The
This is what we get when
But if you want something done right, I'll do it myself.
And Splish Splash, we're taking a bath.
Welcome everybody to the Waterist episode
of Fried Rice Podcast.
Wow, that long hit got me right off the bat.
Waterist isn't a word.
I'm Andy Rice, your host.
This is Fried Rice Podcast.
Let's get fried.
I did that wrong.
And with me, as always, is Austin.
He swam underwater like a fish person
three hours to be here super fast.
Farrell.
Check me out on maximum exposure.
It's Michael.
He is a smoker, just like in the movies.
And yet, even though he's full of carcinogens,
he still won't die.
Larson.
Ex-smoker, thank you.
Ex-smoker, I know, I know.
But you have your little Nick pen.
That's Nick.
No, I'm considering that a smoker.
I do both, you fuckens.
Filthy smokers.
Let me take another hit off of this bong.
He's a filthy smoker.
So welcome, everybody, to the.
Brennan could not make it.
Actually, no, he's right there.
There he is.
Yeah, look, little Brennan.
Just as quiet as him, too.
Little Brennan in the corner.
We have a little Weed Buddy.
If you want one of those, reach out to Austin's mom
via our website, friedricepodcast.com.
Just reach out on our little comment section on the bottom,
and we'll put you in touch with her,
and we'll get you a Weed Buddy.
Or don't.
It's cool.
Whatever.
I don't care.
Oh, yeah, you're anti-mom right now, aren't you?
Even though she's a wonderful woman who supports this podcast
and we love her.
I don't care.
I'm winking at the camera.
So everybody, welcome.
This is the Waterworld slash.
We are going to talk a little bit about the Postman,
even though we might have a live The Postman viewing at a bar
soon.
We will put comments in the.
Well, we'll let you guys know ahead of time.
They're down.
We just have to set a date.
So we're going to set a date, and we'll
let you guys know so that you guys can come join us
in Lake Havasu at the Glitch Barcadiam, a video game bar,
where we will do a laser disk viewing of The Postman
with an intermission on flipping the disk.
While doing a podcast, watching it,
live commentary on the movie.
Obviously, you can't watch it with us.
They're working on something on their end.
They're talking about doing a Twitch.
I also suggested that they do kick as well,
since they're a little more creator-friendly
and a little more lax with their rules.
So we might be able to stream it.
Fuck yeah.
So keep an eye out for that.
We will let you know.
But today, it's all about water roll.
But first, our very famous segment, the What Are We
Smoking segment.
Roll the music.
There's no music.
It's by the Talking Heads or Talking Bombs.
But that's why I keep getting mixed up,
because there's a Talking Heads band.
Talking Bombs.
They haven't gotten me the clip yet.
So I don't think the last couple episodes have had it.
But we will put it in there.
They're really cool.
So we are smoking.
I got some shit today.
I got this Fade Co. Indoor Premium Smalls.
And it's Roll's Choice.
So I don't think it fits anything.
I think they just threw in a bunch of nugs,
little tiny nugs.
But it was a 7 grams for $30 at Jars on their discount.
No, no, sorry.
Not Jars.
Story.
Story Cannabis, which took over Jars out here.
And they have this.
The reason I keep going back is they have a discount shelf.
They have an actual discount shelf.
And the discount shelf is fucking awesome.
I bought so many animals.
So did I.
I bought six or seven packs of Starburst.
$3 each.
They were $3.
Yeah.
And they had vapes, which I bought.
And those actually kind of sucked.
They looked immediately dark on the inside.
Like, you know how when you get a vape,
you want it to be that golden nectar color?
And when it's dark, something's wrong with it.
It looks like something.
It's aged, it's spoiled, or whatever, if that's possible.
But I mean, it is possible.
If you look at all my old cards, which I have hundreds of them,
because I always feel like one day I'm
going to extract that last little bit of wax out of them.
Waxed out of the tin of me.
Which I never do.
And if you look at them, they're all the same dark color
that I got.
So I think these are just expired.
And they're like, fuck it.
We'll sell it to you for $8, you know, expired part.
I can't relate.
Yeah, I know.
You don't do vape.
Also, yeah.
So I like the discounts.
They kept the BOGO for jeeters.
So I'm OK with that.
I think the jeeters were a little bit more expensive than.
And every $40, they give you a free joint.
Is it every $40?
Well, I've spent more than $40 there every time
and haven't received shit.
How good is that?
I think they're a penny.
Oh, you know what?
Fuck.
Someone handed me a free joint.
I have a free joint token in my wallet right now.
It's a little wood token that says free joint.
And I keep forgetting about it.
Jars does the same thing.
Like, you get a free eighth if you spend over $100.
Oh, I trust you.
I know that.
And you have to remind them to do it every time.
I've never.
They've been like, oh, you get a free eighth.
No, you just.
I'm just like, yeah, and for the free eighth,
just whatever's clever.
That's the way we all treat coupons when it worked to you.
It's like, oh, you didn't ask.
Sorry.
Why is this cost so much?
That's the fucking rules, guys.
I will say this, though.
I took a $208 order just the other day
to a family that paid full price for all their pizzas.
And I was fucking happy about it because they
didn't tip me one cent.
Like, you take a $200.
It was like a 10 pizza plus sides like order.
It's huge.
Like, you're going to tip a guy $5 just for helping you out
for bringing two bags full of shit up to the door?
I have something for this.
And it's people, just the way they tip delivery drivers
is just fucking insane.
There's a lot of good ones out there.
They'll like at least give you.
10 bucks for nothing.
10 bucks.
For nothing, just making the drive.
Yeah, $20 order that'll give you 10 bucks.
The weather was, I saw one guy came out
and gave me an extra five bucks on top of the seven bucks
he put on there because he's like, the weather's
looking a little rough, man.
I appreciate you making the drive.
That's the same thing when I'm door dashing.
When you're door dashing, once you get to platinum level,
you have to have a high acceptance rate.
Your acceptance rate has to be at least 70%.
If you go below that, every order you decline
brings it down 1%.
And just the other day, I went from 90% to 70%
because all the orders were like $4 to drive 30 fucking miles.
$4 to pick up 30 items at Safeway.
Like all these cheap motherfuckers.
Yeah.
It's insane.
That's, yeah, I hate it.
Insane, dude.
If you're going to pay someone $4 to drive to the store,
shop for half an hour, and then drive to your fucking house
20 miles away, and you think that's worth $4, dude?
Suck a dick.
You actually have to go in and get the stuff.
Yeah.
They don't just have it ready.
Sometimes they do have it already,
and sometimes you have to go find everything.
And then it just becomes a whole hassle.
But yeah, that's ridiculous.
I'm a platinum.
I have almost, I'm 4.95 rating.
That's because one dipshit gave me
a one star out of the 98 five stars that I have.
Why did the guy give you a one star?
Probably because it took too long or something.
I don't know.
I have no idea.
I'm a great, I've completed over 1,700 deliveries
as the door datcher.
Wow.
And that's the only fucking bad review I got.
I don't even know what it was.
What sucks with our job is that it doesn't give you.
OK.
I feel better now.
Yeah.
Trust me, you're talking to the right people here.
If anyone's going to believe, if anyone's going to be like,
oh, we get it, buddy.
Like, yeah.
And then people are like, oh, well, then
go get a real fucking job.
It's like, no, this is a real job.
It's just people have the opportunity to fuck us over,
and they mostly choose that.
Yeah.
It's weird when people say go get a real job,
and they refer to truck drivers as what they're doing
isn't the same thing.
Now, I understand.
Driving a truck, the reason I don't do it
is because it's a lot more responsibility, a lot more
pressure, and a lot bigger of a vehicle where a lot more
can go wrong.
I don't want all that.
So I get that they get paid a lot more than me
because they're driving around a lot of shit.
They're doing one super big delivery.
But it's still a delivery.
But for us, we have to navigate the streets safely,
deal with other drivers who don't treat us like a truck.
That's the thing.
A truck you know is there, and you're either avoiding it or,
I mean, I'm sure they get cut off constantly,
and that's probably got to be annoying.
But at the same time, they're just going.
You can't get mad at a truck driver
for showing up when a truck driver shows up.
But I don't know.
People get mad at us if the pizza's five minutes late.
They'll call the store if the pizza feels
like it's about 10 minutes later than they typically
get it, which is 10 minutes after they order.
We're so fucking fast at our store.
Some people order the food, and they get it,
and they don't believe that we've made it fresh.
I had someone stop me and go, is this hot and ready?
Did you just grab a pepperoni pizza or whatever?
Absolutely not.
When you were placing it online, we see your order
before you place it.
We see what you're trying to place when you're on the app.
And then it just shows up there.
So we make all your shit.
And then when you place the order, 30 seconds later,
we're putting it in the oven.
And then six minutes after that, you get a driver like me.
It's in a bag 20 seconds later, and I'm out on Highway 95
less than a minute after that.
I'm running out the door.
We're out of the store generally within 10 minutes.
Yeah.
Great campaign speech.
For Domino's.
Go order Domino's.
Ask for the mix and match.
Don't be a fucking idiot.
If you go to any restaurant or any place that's not
like a fancy restaurant, even fancy restaurants
have specials, go ask them.
Anyway, what are we smoking?
When you brought some stuff.
All right.
So I had a shit ton of points at jars,
so I just cashed in big time on a bunch of pre-rolls.
So I'll let you guys pick which one to get.
We got Legend OG.
They're all Indica, by the way.
Legend OG, one gram, 20.1%.
Then we have Midnight Roast, which is 18.69.
And then Slurdy is 18.29.
Well, you go off of numbers, it'd be Legend.
If you went off of names, Midnight Roast.
But at the same time, what percentage
has it ever meant to anything?
Right.
18.6.
I'm going to go 18.69, because once she's 18, you get 69.
Wow, that's the worst way you could have made that.
But thank you.
I feel dirty holding this now, because you
had to end it on when she's 18.
Enjoy.
Yeah, you get 69.
Well, thank you.
We will smoke that in a little bit.
All right.
We had a great show at Lighthouse.
Oh, fuck yeah.
I pre-gamed at Glitch, a little too hard.
Then pre-gamed more at the venue, a little too hard.
Got to meet Jose Ramon.
And I'm telling him how much I don't smoke.
He's up in the private area smoking.
And I'm like, yeah, I don't smoke.
By the time I enter the stage, I am fucked up.
And I completely forgot what my set was going to be
for about maybe 30 seconds.
I had some jokes about the audience.
One guy was talking about weed, and someone else
said it was their birthday.
And I got up there, and I was like,
I don't have any weed for you, and I don't give a fuck
if it's your birthday.
And I was like, I used to live here.
I don't live here anymore.
And I said I don't live here anymore about two more times
before I remembered what my set was.
And I took you a while to get started.
And I got started, did my set, went OK.
And then I ended on a joke that I just pulled out
of my ass about the bartender Devin, because he used to work.
I had my Jeremy's Juke Joint shirt.
So I got the crowd back.
I was like, yeah, I used to go to Jeremy's Juke
Joint all the time, rest in peace, because it's gone now.
Everyone was like, whoa.
I was like, Devin used to work there.
Devin used to get me so fucked up.
I would come in the next morning and be like, man,
I was hammered last night.
What happened?
He's like, oh, man, you were drinking cocktails.
You were playing with cocktails.
You had cocktails in your mouth.
I'm like, why are you saying those?
So weird.
I always have cocktails when I come here.
And he's like, no, cocktails is the guy from the band.
And I ended on that.
And I hung out for the rest of the show.
And then Jose Ramon is smoking outside the venue.
And we're all talking, and I just
end up smoking a joint with him.
And I don't smoke.
The whole time.
I don't smoke.
And then, all right, I'll smoke this joint.
That always happens.
If I'm drunk enough, I'll get baked.
Good to know.
But Sean, my knight in shining armor, was like, hey,
meet me back at my place?
Or I'm like, yeah, man, I'll meet you there.
And he's like, no, you're coming with me.
Get in.
Oh, so he DD'd you all?
Yeah.
I wouldn't have driven.
I would have realized I am too fucked up to drive.
I need someone to take me home.
Well, that's great.
Thank you, Sean Perry.
And if you want to hear more from Sean Perry,
listen to our Wednesday Night Book Club that's
coming out next week about, well,
that came out a week or two ago.
We don't know how time works.
Yeah, how time works, called About Tender
is the Flesh, a Cannibalism Book.
Ooh.
I pushed you to finish that book.
Yeah.
You got two chapters in, and you were like, oh, this is brutal.
Wait till October and listen to our episode on torture porn,
and I will fill you in on some things.
So just wait till that.
Wait a couple of months, people.
It's worth waiting for.
Did Andy seem different at work this week?
Oh, yeah.
Very different.
No, trust me.
What I watched.
He's listening to that book, and he's just like.
No, no, no.
OK, well, we'll get into it.
We'll get into it.
We can't get sidetracked.
Let's talk.
All right.
Because trust me.
A lot of fun content coming out of the pipes.
Yeah.
Wait for the torture porn episode of our Halloween special
in October, and you will remember this if you can.
OK.
And we'll try to bring this up again if possible.
All right.
So let's get into it, because it's a big movie.
We got a lot to cover.
We're talking about fucking Kevin Costner's Waterworld,
baby.
This, I picked it.
This is an Andy pick.
This is one of my best ones, if you ask me.
One of the top picks that I think I picked for the podcast.
It's a.
You know that's not saying much, right?
I picked some bangers, dude.
But people liked the nines.
Not Austin, but other people liked the.
I like the ending.
I liked the ending of the nines.
When it ended.
So we watched Waterworld end, for the record.
We pick everything that's on Tubi.
Austin watched Waterworld on Tubi this week,
but Mike and I went outside of Tubi
to find the extended versions.
I didn't watch the extended version,
but I watched commercial version.
Oh, so you watched the 215 version.
It was on Paramount or Peacock.
OK, so you both watched the regular version.
Two hours, 15 minutes.
I watched the.
More like three hours with all the ads.
It felt like three hours.
Yours must have felt like five.
Mine was two hours and 57 minutes,
which is the exact same runtime as the Postman.
So it's just weird that it's two hours and 57 minutes.
The Ulysses cut of Waterworld.
And then I watched Postman right after,
which is another two hours and 57 minutes.
So it's just weird timing.
And there's so many similarities.
That's what I'm going to do is as we go through Waterworld,
I'm just going to point out a few similarities to Postman.
Because all you need to know about Postman
is it's post-apocalyptic.
There's a Shakespearean army running around.
You have a guy who he takes a postal services guy's jacket
and letters to burn for fire.
And people mistake him for a postman.
He ends up leaning into it and starting
an army of his own eventually.
And it becomes this epic post-apocalyptic war movie
with America being restarted.
It's fucking awesome.
Postman apocalyptic?
Postman.
It's a postman apocalyptic world.
All right, so Waterworld.
We have the best Universal logo of all time
because it's the Universal following Earth.
The Universal goes away.
And you start to see the sea, the water rise and land go away.
Holy shit.
Who cares graphics wise?
It looked awesome.
That's like one of the more ingenious ways
that you start a movie.
I was hooked immediately thinking, awesome, let's go.
So I just thought that was fucking cool.
I remembered seeing that the first time I saw the movie.
My parents covered my eyes when that chick got naked on the poop.
But did she really not?
You saw her butt.
Yeah, she was naked though.
I mean, yeah, that is naked.
She was just faced the other way.
First difference between.
Am I not naked if I take all my clothes off and turn my back
to you?
You're right.
I'm not naked.
Tee hee.
You can't see.
First difference between Waterworld and Postman
is when the hot brunette chick that he's not going to sleep with
but then does gets naked.
It's from the back.
It's clothes drop and you see a shot.
It's the exact same shot except one's obviously on a boat,
one's in a house.
But then what makes Postman different.
Might be the same girl.
No, it's not.
But it's not.
It came out first.
Because this was not her in this movie.
Oh, you're talking about it might
be the same nude stunt double.
Yeah.
Which movie came out first?
Postman was 97, I think, and Waterworld was 95.
But in Postman, the actress, well, you know it's her
because then we get some titties.
So Postman gives you the tits, Waterworld doesn't.
So I don't know how that weighs your grading, Mike,
specifically.
I don't know if that's going to bring it down a letter
but knowing that you could have had titties.
43 minutes and 30 seconds in my cut of it.
Of titties?
Ass.
Oh, ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we open?
Mike's tits, I'm ass.
Mike's tits?
What?
Mike is tits, I'm ass.
Oh, you didn't enunciate.
You said Michael's tits on an ass.
And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about?
Mike's tits, I'm ass.
Mike's tits on my ass is what you said.
All right, I'm never going to have sex or be horny again.
All you have to say is Michael is an enthusiast of breasts.
While I seem to enjoy the dairy air of women.
And I would absolutely know what you were talking about.
If it was 1942, I would give you a custom, personalized Nug
Buddy if someone draws Andy with Mike's tits on his ass.
Oh, god, that's a $45 value, people.
Just go to friedricepodcast.com.
Go to the feedback or send it to friedricepodcast.gmail.com.
Any of our socials.
Any of our socials you send in our way,
we'll send you a customized weed Nug Buddy to your specs.
You want it to look like a boyfriend you never had,
a girlfriend you never had, yourself, a child that maybe
you lost in labor, whatever makes
you feel better about a Nug Buddy to give you comfort.
See, for me, it's Brennan's not here.
So we have little Brennan, little Nug Brennan.
And it makes me feel happy.
I don't know why I brought up the labor thing.
So we open with the Mariner, the most iconic shot
of movie history.
We open with the Mariner, that's his name, by the way,
throughout the thing, pissing into a machine that
turns his urine, his very clear urine, by the way,
which I like that as a note.
Because the more water you drink, the clearer your urine.
So I feel like he's not drinking soda,
and he's not drinking coffee, and he's not
drinking all these other like, and he's not eating.
It's very pure.
Yeah, he's just recycling.
It's just recycling pee.
So it's like, it would be clear, I think.
So he recycles his own urine, and he drinks it.
And part of me feels, because the way it's shot,
it's like an unbroken shot, part of me
feels like he did just drink his own piss.
Like, they made a machine that maybe he had a bottle,
and he poured the bottle into a machine.
And it really looks like it moves along
and pours in a little cup.
So I don't know, it's just some really ingenious stuff.
I've seen a thing like that.
It might have been like Man versus Wild or Survival Man.
But actually, do you remember that show Brainiac?
No.
It was like British science show.
They had all these experiments, like putting things
in microwaves and shit.
Really good.
It was like a before school on Spike TV.
They did a thing where they took a bunch of insecticide pumps,
and they had a guy run piss through it.
They drank it, and he's like, it's great.
I would imagine, OK.
I mean, if you have those straws, the life straws,
the survival straws, you've seen those where you can just
take the survival straws.
Oh, this is well before those.
Unfortunately, he's like, wait a minute.
They could have just made a straw?
Yeah.
No, but what I'm saying is technically,
if you could take that and go to,
they say any water source, I think, and just put it in there
and you could drink drinkable water from it,
I think you could do it to your own urine.
I think the problem with those is I believe,
I don't know if they were like just an object.
I think it's like probably something battery powered
or you have to charge it.
No.
You think it was like a UV thing?
I have one.
It's just a survival straw.
Like Dario got a little filter in it.
It's got to eventually get clogged up over time though.
It has a limited number of uses, but it's a survival straw.
I mean, it's like really, you find a source of water,
I think you would just stay there, use it as long as you
can until it'll help you.
You know, like that kind of thing.
It's not supposed to be like, now I
can drink anything because I have this straw.
I'm just going to go drink, put it in the whatever.
So his ship, we get an idea.
Like he runs around, he starts spinning things,
doing all the shit to make us like, see,
we get the ship porn that you would get from anything,
any movie that's spent a lot of time working on a ship.
Very cool ship.
Cool design.
I like the-
I didn't even, even when I saw it, I was like,
that's cool, the turbine, the way the turbine worked.
And then when he did take off, how the sails pop up
and all that, it's very cool.
Yeah, it's an awesome ship.
I wonder if anyone's ever made a replica of it
because I feel like it's doable.
And it's just a catamaran, then with all that stuff added on.
Because if I ever wanted a boat, I
would make the Water World boat, probably a smaller version
because his is pretty massive.
Like you wouldn't really want to take it out
in the lake or whatever.
But if I had like a smaller version of his boat
with all the gizmos and I spun the thing to move the stuff
and it was like sail, that'd be so much fun.
Little cabin.
I just like it.
There's a little lime tree.
Yeah, little lime tree.
Which, eating limes?
I mean, I get it, it's the end of the world.
You've got to eat whatever.
No, scurvy, it's an ocean going thing.
You have to eat fruit or you will get scurvy.
But like limes, limes of all things.
I believe it's just get hella diarrhea.
I might not be mistaken here, but I don't think I am.
I believe lemonade came to existence because sailors
did not want to eat lemons.
Lemons tasted sour, they were weird.
It was a new fruit, everyone was afraid of it.
They were just like, gross, we're not just
going to eat this thing.
But it is to prevent scurvy.
So the governments of the world were like,
or whichever government it was, they really pushed it.
You have to fucking eat lemons, guys.
You need to stop getting scurvy.
So they found a way to like, I think they just
added some sugar and water and made it more palatable.
And then people, that's where we kind of,
the whole lemon craze came from.
Limes last a long time, so that's one of the things
they used to put them on boats because that was.
Now, what I loved is I've seen this movie before,
maybe three or four, maybe five times throughout my life.
And I still forget the twist that there is no dry land,
but then the other twist that there is dry land.
So it's like, I love the double whammy twist.
Like when he shows her that there is no dry land,
because you see him growing the thing
and he has a bucket full of dirt.
And you're as mesmerized by the fact
that he has dirt as all the people are,
because it's like, how did he get dirt?
And then when he tells them, I got it off some traders,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you believe him.
I believe them.
There's no reason not to.
And then when you find out he's just going down deep enough
because he can, and he's getting dirt from the bottom
of the ocean or whatever, it's like this sad realization.
But then at the very end, when you find, it's so good.
So nothing's free in Waterworld.
It's a great line.
I love that.
That's how it would be in Waterworld.
The Mariner, he kills a few people right off the bat
in that town on his way out.
Oh yeah, there's like a weird mutant racism going on.
Yeah, OK, so.
Well, because once they find out he's a,
yeah, you skipped a bunch.
They find out he's a mute.
And at first they wanted to see.
At first it was all cool till they saw his gills.
Yeah, no, they wanted his cum.
And then they found out he was a mutant.
They're like, we don't want your cum anymore.
Actually, we're going to kill you.
Yeah, I think.
Yeah, so he gets into this town.
And they, yeah, they have the weird,
like they find out that he has gills and shit, which I am,
you know me, I am not, I don't want us to have mutants.
Kill him, right?
That's your role.
I don't want mutants existing.
You know, like if we really did have an X-Men running around,
I would be on the Sentinel program as soon as I could.
Because I'm just like, why would we want
a Wolverine running around?
Would you want a Wolverine running around?
Honestly?
Maybe an X-23.
We'd send him to Ukraine.
No, no, no, we wouldn't.
Because here's the thing.
Here's what people don't understand.
The moment you have super powered mutants,
and the moment you have a Wolverine,
and the moment you have a Professor X-type, it's over.
Because the moment that someone can start brain
controlling a Wolverine and having
them do whatever the fuck they want them to do,
and he's an invincible, unbreakable killing machine,
I don't want that.
So what we got to do is the moment somebody shows up
with gills, yeah.
What about Storm?
What about her?
She could end world hunger.
But that's for God to decide, not Storm.
All right, let those kids starve.
Andy Rice, everybody.
But we don't know what the ramifications of, say,
going to the deserts and making it look like a rainforest
would be for the rest of the world.
More oxygen?
Yeah, but it would also cause severe weather, extreme weather.
It would probably cause hurricanes here
in Arizona somehow.
Because the Earth has to adapt to its new environment.
Especially if you straight up, if Storm was just like,
all right, here's an area of the world that
hasn't seen water for hundreds of years.
Let me just make it a rainforest.
And the Earth wouldn't know what to do.
It would like, you know what I'm saying?
Because even us, global warming, us going up by a couple percent,
like our degrees of global temperature
is enough to cause severe extreme weather all over the place.
And you add a greenhouse effect to it
by adding another layer of rainforest or something.
Who knows what could happen?
So you got to think about it.
Storm just runs around willy nilly just,
I call the power of the storm!
Water, hear my cry!
And she doesn't think about the fucking ramifications
of worldwide, like, catastrophe.
If the ex-member real, you would want a rogue.
Doesn't she take their powers away?
Yeah, but who's rogue working for?
And what is she doing with those powers?
You.
She works for you.
Why would she work for me?
To make all the.
I'm Andy Rice of Fried Rice Podcast.
Why is she working for me?
Because you made a good point.
And you got a lot of people behind you.
No, I'm just a guy.
You beat Professor X in the elections,
and you're now your president, and you
want to get rid of all mutants.
So you're employing rogue to touch everybody.
We turn on the news tonight, and it's like, breaking news.
An X-Men type team has been discovered in China
as they've raised us.
They have their own team of mutants now.
Would that make you happy?
No.
Sure, it would make it interesting.
Boringly.
It would make it interesting.
So I did write down that once we get into the,
once the smokers show up at this place,
and they start attacking, I was like, man, they really,
this movie really ripped off that attraction
at Universal Studios.
See the other way around.
You know that Waterworld attraction?
I get it now.
They should have said based on the Waterworld exhibit
at Universal Studios.
I've seen that show one time when I was a kid.
I don't really remember it, though.
No, it's so good.
It's so good.
It's like, you can't, well, I guess since you haven't,
I've been to Universal Studios a few times,
and I always go to the Waterworld show,
and every single time.
It's one of the best stunt shows there is.
They literally fly a plane over the wall at one point,
and they land it into the thing.
You get the guys going underwater on the jet skis
and stuff, and popping up underneath stuff.
It's so fucking cool.
The stunt work in this movie is awesome.
The water stunts that they're doing with the jet skis
with all the boat shit is fucking cool.
Any disagreements there?
No.
OK.
Because I feel like earlier in the chat,
somebody put that this movie was god awful.
It was Zach who's not here to defend that position.
I'll defend it for you.
OK.
So Tig from Sons of Anarchy is in this movie.
Yeah.
And surprisingly so is Jack Black.
Jack Black's in this movie.
What?
I was looking for him the whole time,
but I did not see him until I watched the fact video
where it showed where he is in the movie.
He's one of the smokers.
Is it with a bunch of grease on his face or whatever?
Yeah.
He's sitting down.
Is he the one right under the gun?
No.
Very briefly, he's in it just sitting down
in a dialogue scene, which is just hilarious.
Yeah.
Right around the same time Mars attacks,
which was another smallish role, I guess.
It would have been water world, then Mars attacks,
and then we get Gulliver's Travel something.
He's in some deep shit right now.
Well, sort of.
I mean, he's Jack Black.
He'll be fine, but Tenacious D is kind of no more
until further notice.
Fuck them gently, right?
Yeah.
I mean.
So OK.
Smokers are awesome.
I love the main bad guy.
What's his name?
The actor?
Dennis Hopper?
Who did not phone it in like he did on Space Truckers this time.
No.
You say he phoned it in on Space Truckers.
I think he was playing the role.
He chewed the scenery.
And I mean.
We had a whole argument about this.
You don't remember?
I was like, he's this inner Captain Ahab
with a bad case of sunstroke.
Captain Ahab with sunstroke, yeah.
He did a lot better in this movie, is what I think.
I, well, wait.
Did I, was I pro or against Dennis Hopper's role
in Space Truckers?
You didn't like, you thought he didn't
care about the role.
Well, I don't want to contradict myself.
But now, now I'm looking at it through the lens of,
I just saw Waterworld.
And I love Dennis Hopper now.
So I'm going to say whatever he did for Space Truckers
wasn't his fault.
I just think he did.
I've been saying he was bad in Space Truckers.
I just think he did a lot better in Waterworld
than he did in Space Truckers.
Yeah, I bet when he talks to people and they look at him,
I'm like, I know you from somewhere.
He's like, yeah, Waterworld.
He doesn't go, Space Truckers.
That's the one.
And if someone says, no, it was Space Truckers,
he's like, oh, fuck you, then.
It was one with Steven Dorff.
And then you guys are like, you have a big old semi-truck
in space?
It's like Waterworld.
Yeah, and then that really great actor
was jerking his robot dick.
The BAFTA award-winning Charles Dance
has to crank his robot dick to fucking rape a dick.
Space Truckers.
To rape Vicki Vowancourt.
Vicki Vowancourt, sort of.
Or that chick that looks like her.
Yeah.
Fuck, yeah.
So we get awesome Dennis Hopper.
Smoking cigarettes, where did he get those?
Which one, Dennis Hopper?
Dennis Hopper smoking cigarettes throughout the movie.
And where do you get cigarettes in Waterworld?
I don't know where they got gasoline.
Well, don't they?
They live on a big oil tanker.
Yeah, but still, gasoline.
And there's that fucking poor little guy.
It's gasoline.
Oil takers don't have gasoline.
They got oil.
Yeah.
And then they have to take it to a refinery
and refine it into gasoline.
Unless they're just shoving crude oil.
Because the only thing they're using for gas, oh, wait,
all their shit, huh?
All their shit.
Where are they getting?
It just made sense.
It was all sailboat and all that shit.
Where are they getting bullets?
Bullets.
Yeah, bullets.
Giant fucking bullets for that super gun
that they mow down that community with.
You know that whole community that it goes to in the beginning?
Yeah.
They built that in the ocean.
A hurricane came and destroyed and sank that entire set.
Really?
Yeah.
It was before or after they filmed it.
After they filmed it.
Or during filming and they had to rebuild it.
Which the budget of this movie was originally $3 million.
And you know what it grew to?
$175 million.
Wow.
And that's in 95 months.
It was just a snowball.
It just kept getting bigger and bigger.
There were storms.
It was bad, yeah.
Everyone almost died.
The girls almost died twice.
Kevin Costner almost died twice.
There's a bunch of near deaths.
Well, I mean, but it paid off.
Yeah.
Cool ass movie.
So you know what?
I'm OK with it.
Yeah, the cigarettes, that doesn't make sense.
Nor does the gasoline.
Nor does the bullets.
There's just things that just got to work.
He takes the lady down in like a bubble thing
and all the way down to the ocean floor.
Yeah.
Which even with-
Haven't you ever done that in the bathtub with a cup?
Even an advanced scuba diver with extra training,
the deepest they can go without gear is 130 feet,
and then you'll die?
Yeah.
He takes her all the way down to the ocean floor,
just like, doo-doo-doo.
But scuba divers, what you're not realizing
is they're using scuba equipment.
They're using air oxygen tanks.
They're using all the stuff.
No, believe me.
I went down a Google rabbit hole.
No, no, but what they haven't tried
is basket with air in a pocket and just put them
in the top there and then have someone bring them down.
Have you ever seen a scuba diver do that?
You can't go up that fast as fast as they did or you'll die.
Look, I haven't seen, until I see someone go down
200 or 300 feet into the ocean via bubble of air
and a little fucking balloon thing.
I'm going to say it's possible.
I'm sure they have.
And you know what?
They're probably dead now.
They saw it.
They went down.
So this is why I don't comment on Facebook
and I put girls standing up for the mariner.
What do I mean by that?
Oh, I think it's because when they say, oh, he's a mutant,
some girls like, well, what's wrong with that or whatever?
And they're like, shut up.
They tell her, shut the fuck up or whatever.
And I'm like, oh, this is why I don't comment on Facebook.
Because you say anything, people get fucking pissed.
When we're talking about just that opening,
the smokers attacking, that shot in the distance of them coming
closer is ominous as fuck.
If you were that little community,
you'd be like, oh, god, we're all about the fuck.
Oh, that wide shot of all the smokers.
That wide shot.
You see the background.
I think it's pretty cool.
That whole attack scene is amazing.
I love that when the mariner's leaving,
he stops to get the tomato plant on his way out.
Yeah, hooks the tomato plant.
That was kind of cool.
Then he, OK, by this point, he has the girl with him.
Both girls, right?
He has both girls with him.
They escape.
You've seen the movie.
You know what's up.
The smokers attack.
He leaves.
Dennis Hopper loses his eye.
It's awesome.
That guy gets a harpoon to the foot.
Did you see that shit?
Which guy?
This gay guy?
No, they were attacking him on the community
before the smokers attacked.
And they grapple, and he shoots a harpoon out of this guy's side
into his foot.
Yep.
I like how he says, if you'll notice
the arterial nature of the blood coming
from the hole in my head, you can assume
we're having a real lousy day.
Yeah, that was a good line.
That's a good dentist.
Yeah.
I like that he just knocks.
He just bonks her on the head, I think, at one point.
The mariner, he gets mad at her.
Mad at the woman who just hits her.
I'm like, yeah.
Fuck around and find out.
That's just what it like.
Sorry, but this is Waterworld.
There's no loss.
He's not playing a good guy.
Everybody mistakes that he's a good guy.
He's not a good guy.
He's surviving.
Yeah.
By the end of it, still not a good guy.
But he did some good along the way.
But not if you're a smoker or one of the many, many, many
people living in the smoker community.
So if you're one of the many, many smokers who are just
trying to survive, like every other person in this world,
so you can't just attribute good qualities to people
because they're, quote unquote, peaceful.
We haven't seen any of the things
they did to make that community in the water
in the first place.
Plus, they were literally about to kill Kevin Costner
because he was a mutant.
So they're fucking xenophobic racists
that have a process of killing people that just launches them
into a goo and just has it recycled.
Yeah, you're looking for good guys and bad guys.
This movie doesn't have any, except for the lady
and the kid.
No.
How are the lady and the girl good guys?
The kid stole all of his fucking crayons and wasted them.
She didn't ask.
No, no, but I know that you're laughing,
and I know that's kind of funny because it's
a kid taking crayons.
But at the same time, this is fucking Waterworld.
There's one rule.
You don't take what's not yours unless you are
willing to fucking die for it.
And that's fucking nothing's free in Waterworld.
He says it right at the top.
This little girl, he saves her fucking life.
He gives her a machine that turns her urine into water.
And yet, they're still dying of thirst later.
I don't know how that, they just start pissing.
Just running out of piss.
Or he's drinking their piss.
He's like pissing in this machine.
They're like, why?
Just do it.
And then he drinks their urine after.
But I'm just saying, there are no good guys.
I would say the girl is innocent.
The little girl is innocent.
The older woman, not so much.
She's just trying to protect the girl.
She even tries to whore herself out at one point.
But that's actually one of the few things
I wouldn't blame her for.
Realistic, right.
Yeah.
Because it's like, use whatever you got.
Use your assets.
So I do like that Dennis Hopper has a car on his oil rig
that he just drives around for no fucking reason.
Just like to get from point A to point B,
because it's kind of a long walk.
Because gas is abundant.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
If you got it, yeah.
That's the whole point.
But yeah, I love that.
I love the car.
I like that plane fuel, too.
Oh, yeah.
Like a fucking airplane.
I love Dennis Hopper, how insane he is,
that he just threw the match into what would blow up
the entire fucking thing.
And one of his henchmen has to fucking stop it.
Like, if you all of his henchmen
are trained to know that Dennis Hopper is fucking insane,
and he will blow this entire goddamn place up
if you're not careful.
Well, he didn't give him $20 million like the Joker did.
The henchmen.
Oh, like in Batman?
Because I mean, the difference in this
is even if Dennis Hopper gave them $20 million, or $20
million, whatever the equivalent of money is in water world,
20 million dirts, 20 million shits.
Yeah, 20 million shits and unlimited hydro, clean hydro.
And put it in that plane, where the fuck's
the plane going to land or go?
Like, it's just going to land in the water somewhere,
and then it'll die.
Yeah, the clean hydro was green.
It's clean, though.
Cleaner than that's the cleanest it can be.
It is.
I like when they capture the girl
and they burn his boat down.
And he takes the older woman underwater and they kiss,
breathe each other.
They come up and the boat's all gone.
This is the most mild, my boat.
That's it.
Not my fucking boat.
Actually, I like that choice, because I
remember what you're talking about when they come out
of the water, and he just looks at his boat,
and he goes, fuck.
Oh, he just goes, my boat.
Yeah, but the mariner, that's the thing.
The mariner, he's a survivalist.
He doesn't let things affect.
He doesn't have emotions, because for him, it's like,
well, shit.
OK, the boat's destroyed.
I just got to rebuild.
Fix the boat.
He sees the boat.
He goes, all right, now time to fix the boat.
It's not for him like, oh, man, my whole life's ruined.
Everything's blah, blah, blah.
He's going to let those emotions affect how he does things.
He just sees the boat.
Now it's broken.
Fix the boat.
Survive.
He has the charisma of a barnacle.
And that's cool.
As a what?
As a barnacle.
Way, he's more charismatic than a barnacle.
Really?
Yeah.
There's a few jokes he says.
It's Kevin fucking Costner.
He's got the Riz.
He's got the Riz coming out of that.
Mad Max will kill.
He spent 10 minutes with that chick,
and she's already offering herself to him.
Yeah.
I think that when the smoker plane, right before that scene,
when they got their boat destroyed,
when the smoker plane shows up and starts circling,
I thought it was adorable that the little girl waves
to the plane, like how she waves to them.
And then they start attacking.
And then, of course, the woman ruins it all
by launching that harpoon that's attached to a fucking wire.
She fucked that up.
So I'll give you, Austin, you can
say that the girl was the villain of all of this.
I like that they fuck up, and he cuts both their hairs off.
Yeah, that was smart.
That was a good one.
That was funny.
But it's a way to abuse them without, is an actual abuse.
Plus, on a smart way, if the smokers
are looking for a little girl, and you cut off all of her hair,
and you make her a little boy, and then you
do the same with the woman.
You cut her hair off and put her in mainly clothing.
That's just three guys on a boat.
And they're super obedient after that.
Yeah, because it's like, did you power move?
It's smart to run around a boat like that.
Your hair getting caught in that shit with the whole slime
back and forth.
He walks by and is like, did you say something?
And she's like, no.
Like, just.
Then we get the dude from Sons of Anarchy, Tig.
And I was like, this is a hero I can get behind.
He literally is selling his chick for some paper.
And I was like, fuck yeah, get that paper, boy.
He sends her down there.
But it is.
It's just paper.
The guy's just like, I got paper, bro.
You can read stuff.
It's like it's coke or something.
Yeah.
And then they fight off.
Well, he goes downstairs, and then Tig's like,
it's my bitch.
And they get in the fight.
Which talk about cool director choices.
I loved the scene where you see Tig coming out of the top,
coming out of the cabin.
And he's got a knife in his hand.
And it's bloody.
And then he collapses.
And Kevin Costner comes out.
And he's holding his knife.
And you know he had won.
But it's a bigger knife.
Well, no, it's not just a smaller knife, I think.
But I like that it looked like Tig won the fight.
And he's about to get the girls.
Just a good directing choice.
And then, holy shit, Kevin Costner fights a monster.
A giant whale monster.
Use that guy as bait.
Use him as bait.
And then the CGI monster comes out of the water
and eats that guy.
Holy shit.
That was, I forgot all about that.
Not as expected.
Yeah.
Did that blubber look kind of appetizing?
Yeah, after they cooked it, yeah.
Throw it down.
And they're just eating it.
I kind of want some of that.
Yeah.
And then I liked it was a sweet little teaching
the girl how to swim scene.
I liked that.
That was like a sweet moment.
I put a pretty clever trick with the dead bodies.
But why not just use a couple of goons?
Oh, yeah.
So when Mariner and the girls are going,
and they see a trade outpost, and you
see the bodies on wires looking like they're waving or whatever,
yeah, cool, right?
I get it.
That was very clever of the smokers.
And on a hike, same thing, yeah.
Why not just use the smokers?
Like, here's the thing.
From far away, even from close up, you're going to look,
and you're going to see, oh, here's
some people I've never seen before in my life.
Dirty, dressed up.
Here's the traders I need to talk to.
I need to trade with them.
You wouldn't look up, see.
Like, what I'm saying is, if the smokers killed everybody
and tied rocks to their legs, put them
in the bottom of the ocean, like I'm sure they do or whatever,
and then manned that outpost and waved them in like, hey,
we're traders, just like you expected us to be on this thing,
and just had Dennis Hopper hiding behind the fucking wall
if he needed to be there, he would have done this.
The Mariner would have pulled up.
He would have gotten off the boat
and said, hey, we're here to trade or whatever.
Then they would have gotten him.
Instead, they literally put it in a way
that once you're close enough, you
can see dead bodies hanging from the bottom there,
and corpses tied up as strings, like whatever.
Cool directing choice, bad story choice.
I feel like it makes the smokers look a lot
dumber than I think they actually are.
Well, I mean, they do worship Joe Hazelwood as a god.
And who is that?
He's this guy that spilled, like, it was in charge
when this big oil spill happened, and everyone says
it was because he was drunk, but then it turned out he wasn't.
But it's so funny that they worship him as a god
because his picture's there.
Hazelwood is looking down on his proud.
And they come back later when it's the Valdez sinking.
It's the Exxon Valdez.
Yeah.
And that's the one that had the spill, right?
The oil spill, yeah.
Yeah, OK.
That's the moment I laughed out loud.
I was like, oh, this is just hilarious.
I'm not sure it was intentionally hilarious,
but it was.
So they meet back up with some survivors
from that community attack.
And I see that guy that got the harpoon in his foot,
just walking around just fine, nothing wrong.
Survived.
You just got to survive, dude.
That's the rule.
It's like, all right, harpoon in foot, pull out, heal.
Repair, heal.
Maybe he's a mutant.
So, oh, yeah, he's a wolverine.
That kills us.
When they, oh, I did put the underwater effects
and the shots are fucking awesome in this.
Yeah, the effects actually somewhat hold up pretty good.
Yeah, a lot of the time are really.
A lot of the, because a lot of it's just practical stunt
work with real jet skis, real water, in the ocean,
just doing cool shit.
And I love it.
When he ziplines down, there's like a little hint
of a wire you can see, but I didn't really,
it doesn't bother me that much.
Safety wire.
Obviously, it's Kevin fucking Costner.
The practical stuff was good.
The explosion, not so.
Would you guys want to see a new Kevin Costner post-apocalyptic
dick movie?
Whether a sequel or it's.
Is it old man, like now?
Yeah.
Maybe, maybe like some book of Eli,
like he's old and tired and has a bit sick of doing this.
He's not the heroic young guy.
I'm eating Waterworld 2 now and he's like 65.
Yeah, the chits are microplastics now.
No, because I wouldn't want a sequel to Waterworld.
It's perfect.
I found Isla Newblar anyways in the end.
I would take a postman too, but that
would be harder.
They sort of close it up at the end with a flash
forward to 2043 and it shows the daughter of the postman
as she's talking about how her dad saved America
and how America exists now.
So they fix all the problems of postman,
so I don't think that it needs to be a postman too.
A prequel to the postman, sure.
I would want to see how.
How it went down.
Yeah.
It's going to be hard to do a post-apocalyptic anything now.
Just because.
We live in that time.
Because of how good Fallout was.
I mean, it's going to be kind of hard to top that.
What I would want is a Kevin Costner
starring in a sort of a Bioshock infinite sort of thing.
So we've gotten water, we've gotten land.
Give us something.
Give us like a dystopian, not post-apocalyptic,
but like a dystopian future where
we live on floating cities and everything seems fine
and everything seems OK, but underneath it all, there's like.
He's a mutant, he can fly.
No, mutants.
Oh, I mean, I guess.
No, but I want to rip off Waterworld.
I actually, let's just do Bioshock infinite, the movie,
and make him the comstock.
Make him like the bad guy.
I've only played one, I couldn't get into the other Bioshocks.
Well, infinite's great because it deals directly
with segregation stuff.
So like you go up to this, you go to a sky world.
And as you're walking through, you're
looking at like blacks only bathroom, whites only bathroom.
And you walk inside and there's a huge difference
between the two of them.
At one point, you're walking by and there's
a guy like a carnival game.
And this guy goes, hey, step right up.
He hands you a baseball.
And he's like, all right, throw it at the.
And he calls him the N-word.
And there's just a black person.
That's Bioshock infinite?
Yeah, there's a black person.
And you have the choice.
I have no idea.
You have a choice of throwing.
It sounds like you're describing Wolfenstein,
the one where the Nazis win.
Well, yeah, the new glosses or whatever it's called.
I forget.
They chop your guy's head off and then he gets reanimated.
But then there's just like, KKK guys just walking around,
just enjoying a sunny day.
Well, this is, well, no, no.
Bioshock infinite, damn.
But what, OK, because you know how in Bioshock 1,
it's a guy makes an underwater city to live in.
He's like, I'm going to make a utopia down below the sea.
And then everything goes bad because he introduces drugs.
And then that other guy is like.
The other guy's like, I'm going to make.
Would you kindly blah, blah, blah, do this, that,
and the other, the whole game.
But then the second, but then infinite
is I think a different person made a floating city.
And he wants to keep American values the way
that he wants them, which is segregation, slavery, all
that stuff.
So you're so it's modern day or the future, whatever.
But it doesn't matter.
This is neither here nor there.
I'm stopping my own tangent here.
So she fucks the Mariner.
And I'm like, ew, don't fuck that mutant.
Gross.
What are you doing?
You get fucking mutant babies.
Ew, ew, ew.
Comes water.
No, he comes sea monkeys.
Maybe you got a thought on this.
Why was he so dirty all this?
He basically lives in the water.
That's a good point.
Well, I feel like you're I know why the smokers were always
dirty.
No, that's a good point.
Maybe there's dust in the air.
I don't know.
Pollution.
I put no, no, no, no, no.
Balloon guy never finds them ever.
Nope, doesn't happen.
This is so fucking stupid.
I thought that was stupid.
But then he said, I saw the smoke.
That's how he saw the smoke.
Yeah.
And I mean, up in the air, the horizon's
a lot further away.
There's a better chance.
I thought it was I was like, no, no, I thought.
No, no, no.
And he's like, oh, I saw the smoke.
I'm like, oh, oh, oh.
It's the eyes of you to burn your boat.
At some point, he learned to control the balloon.
Because when he took off, he couldn't control it at all.
Yeah, but also, I think at some point.
I'm sorry, I'm leaving you here because I
can't control this balloon.
It was also different, though, because I think once he was
leaving, though, you also have to think he had to keep leaving.
His place was getting attacked.
So I think he got out of there.
I don't know.
He actually literally apologized to him.
Sorry.
Yeah, I liked that, though.
I like that little weird scientist guy.
Who gave the girl the tattoo?
And why?
Well, Doug, look, that's not important.
What is important?
What is important is that at one point, Kevin Costor just,
they're like, well, how are you going to find the smokers?
And he just tosses a match on the trail of the jet ski guy
and follows that flame back.
You guys had that in your version?
Did you guys have that scene?
Kevin Costor, the way he finds the smokers
after he kills a smoker guy, and he has a jet ski,
and then there's, oh, those two smoker guys show up
on a little floating platform where he was dropping off
the girl, and everyone was like, we're not going to go find,
we're not going to go look for Inara.
And he's like, I'm leaving, right?
Remember that?
He goes there, and they're like, oh, no one wants to go help you.
He's like, OK, well, I'm not going to go look for her either.
And he steals their boat and leaves.
It takes like a sail and bounces and goes fix his ship.
And then he comes back because, I don't know, whatever.
He was thinking about her.
He sees the crans or whatever.
And then the smokers show up.
He kills both of them.
He gets on one of the jet skis, and he's like,
they're like, how are you going to find the smokers?
And he takes a match, and he throws it,
and it ignites the trail of the jet skis that lights up
miles long across the ocean.
Did you guys have that scene?
I mean, I'm sure he figures out the direction.
No.
They just cut past that.
OK, why?
It's not important.
No, it's very important.
What's very important is, did you
see him ram the fucking jet ski into that guy into a pipe?
And he's just double-O, double-O, H2O, fucking 7,
Kevin Costner on the ship.
It's right before this.
OK.
Hold on.
Sorry, everybody at home.
The guy finds him.
All right.
I just have to show you, because you guys don't believe me.
Really good quality.
What are you watching this on?
Are you streaming this on?
Thanks.
All right.
So it's right here.
Oh, god.
No, that was not in order.
OK, now watch.
It's so, maybe we can even hear it.
It's fine.
Here.
Oh, yeah.
So he follows this trail of flames
all the way back to the smokers.
You guys didn't have that, huh?
Oh, it looks like he made it there.
Yeah, it goes all the way.
We can read a map.
Yeah.
So read.
So anyway, that happens in my version.
I thought that was insane.
Oh, yeah, Smitty.
Yeah, that's the one you're talking about,
where Smitty's like, all right, bring it in slow.
Bring it in slow.
And then he just, thwomp, just launches it.
And then the other guys come up, and they fucking
laugh about it, which is just great.
They're like, ah, Smitty, ha ha.
The little girl's speech when she's being interrogated
by the bad guy, and she's like, he doesn't take prisoners.
He kills.
Yeah, all the meanwhile, he's Kevin Costner, Batman.
And he's just going through murdering everybody.
Oh, I wrote that down.
He doesn't have a name, so death can't find him.
He doesn't have a home or people to care for.
He's not afraid of anything, men least of all.
He's fast and strong like the big wind.
He can hear 100 miles and see 100 miles underwater.
He can hide in the shadow of the noon sun.
He can be right behind you.
You won't even know it till you're dead.
Awesome.
Just a cool speech for a six-year-old girl
to have locked and loaded.
First, she was just stealing crayons.
Now she's delivering intimidating speeches
about a dude she just met.
And then we have the best moment in the entire fucking movie,
and it is that little old man who works in the oil thing.
And the flame mariner drops a flare down.
The flare goes into the hole, and the old man goes,
oh, thank god.
And then it just blows up.
Thank god it's over.
I fucking died.
I had to pause the movie.
I was laughing so hard.
I was like, thank god the little old man is finally dying.
He's so happy to die.
You missed the most important part before that, though.
What was that?
Where the smoker calls him the R-word.
The R-sler.
He does use the R-sler.
Straight up just R-word.
Then we get a stunt.
And Kevin Costner goes, actually, it's mutant to use her.
We get a stunt where Kevin Costner bungee jumps off
the thing while four jet skis are going towards him.
And he bungee jumps, and he goes, ah.
And he pulls the girl up, and they all crash into each other
and explode.
Well, they explode before they even touch,
if you go right to that.
That was bad.
That was like.
I was like, that would have been so cool if it just
exploded just a second later.
Or maybe not have them all drive into each other.
Because you think one of them at least would turn at some point.
Have it be realistic.
In a moment like that, I get that you want the two cars
to crash, or the four things to whatever to crash,
or everybody shoot each other, or all that stuff.
Trying to turn or something.
Have one of them turn and hit a wall or something.
Yeah.
And then we get to dry land.
It exists.
They find it.
They get there.
And.
Yeah, it's La Nublar.
It's La Nublar.
And you can already tell Mariner hates the land,
which I love that.
I love that any time he steps on anything more solid
than his boat, he trips out.
Like when he got to that first community, he steps on the grate
and he's like, oh, I don't really like this.
And then when he gets on even the oil boat,
it was like a little bit of a whatever.
And then on the land, for sure, he's like, oh.
Why is the.
It's the opposite of sea-like.
Yeah, where's the rocking?
Yeah.
So here's my Kevin Costner movie.
Post-apocalyptic.
Kevin Costner lands on an island.
Dinosaurs re-evolved.
And they're back.
Kevin Costner versus dinosaurs.
65.
That was Adam.
That was that.
Yeah.
How old was a fucking cowboy hat guy from Jurassic Park?
Sam Neill.
40s.
Maybe 30s.
40s.
In that movie?
I think Kevin Costner could still do it.
What does he look like now?
For sure, put Kevin Costner in a Jurassic World movie.
Get rid of Jurassic World.
Give us a new Jurassic.
We don't need Jurassic World.
Give us a new Jurassic Park.
Post-apocalyptic Jurassic Park.
The world's over.
Fucking dinosaurs are still kicking on the island.
Planet of the dinosaurs.
There we go.
Sort of.
Like that vibe.
Instead of Planet of the Apes.
And then Rise of the Planet of the Dinosaurs.
And then.
Ooh, do land of the lost.
Or no, but I don't really like the idea of dinosaurs
as a post-apocalyptic.
I saw Postman once.
And I remember not hating it.
I thought it was pretty good.
I like anything post-apocalyptic.
And seeing Waterworld, Kevin Costner also post-apocalyptic.
He's the man.
He is the man for it.
He can do one more.
He can do cowboy stuff great.
He can do post-apocalyptic stuff great.
He can do anything.
He can do baseball romance great.
If you watch Feel the Dreams, Bull Durham,
and The Perfect Game are three baseball romance movies
that he is so fucking good at.
You can tell he loves baseball by watching it.
Yeah.
Perfect Game is one of my favorite movies.
I've seen that more times than I've seen Postman.
It's just like he's a near retired baseball player.
He had an epic love story with a woman.
And they're sort of on the outs.
And he is playing this game.
He's playing a game.
And he's throwing a perfect game, pitching a perfect game.
And she's watching this and hearing about it
as she's trying to leave the city.
And as all of this is happening, you're
getting flashbacks to how they met,
flashbacks to when he was a younger player,
flashbacks to all this.
So the story is he's, so it's like in real time,
he's throwing a perfect game.
She's trying to leave the city.
But she's getting pulled back to him
because she's remembering all the good times they've had.
And while he's on the mound, kind
of having a slumdog millionaire thinking
about all the things that led him to this moment sort of deal.
Really good baseball movie.
And then you get Feel the Dreams, which is one of the best.
I mean, maybe the best baseball movie.
You know that one.
If you build it, he will come.
They will come, but he will come.
That's one of the most misquoted lines in movie history.
Just like, no, I am your father.
It's not Luke, I'm your father.
Weird how those things are always.
Someone disagree with me.
Like the other day, I was like, no, it's no, I'm your father.
I'll play it now.
And she's like, no, it's Luke, I'm your father.
I'm like, no, it's no, I'm your father.
Can you guys tell me, have you guys seen Reservoir Dogs,
right?
Yeah.
Remember when the cop is tied to the chair
and the guy's listening to, no.
Da da da da.
Na na na na na.
That cop dies, correct?
Remember?
He died.
In that scene?
Maybe not in that scene, but he gets shot and killed, I believe.
That cop dies.
That cop does not make it out alive.
I think we have different people get shot.
I think one guy gets shot, and he's in the car,
and he's like, oh god, I'm fucking dying.
I'm like, whatever.
I don't think he's the cop.
I think the one that gets tortured.
OK, look, the cop dies.
I had an argument with my uncle about it.
I forgot what we were talking about.
I was like, yeah, like in Reservoir, when the cop dies,
and he's like, no, the cop doesn't die.
I'm like, yeah, the cop dies.
It's just like a point where you're just like, yes, they
fucking die.
You're not going to just change history
to make this person feel better.
They're wrong about something, and you're telling them, no,
he fucking dies.
My uncle pulled a fucking, we were in a car.
He pulled his gun out and put a gun to my fucking head.
Real story, true story.
What?
Yeah, I'm like 18 or 19 at this time.
We're driving.
Your uncle pulls over.
No, just while he's driving.
Puts a gun to your head.
Yeah.
An M9 puts a gun to my fucking head.
He's like, he fucking dies in that.
He doesn't die in that movie.
All right, he doesn't die.
I'm so sorry, uncle.
Is that what you said?
No.
You kept arguing with him.
No, because we're in a fucking public place driving,
and he's just being a fucking dumbass.
Imagine someone driving by, and they look over,
and they just see some dude driving with a gun pressed
to the passenger's head.
I wish someone would.
That guy was fucking psycho.
I worked in a factory for about six months.
Loud as shit.
Wear your plugs every day.
He had to pick me up from work one day, just blaring Metallica,
trying to look all cool with his windows down.
And I turned it down, and he starts punching me
in the fucking arm, freaking out,
like in front of all these people.
This is your uncle?
Yeah.
Your mother or your father's a brother?
My grandma's on my mom's side.
She had with a different guy than my actual grandpa.
But so like a half.
And the whole time he's driving me home, he's like,
I'm going to fucking fuck you up out front of the house
when we get there.
And there's like a cop on the highway
going the opposite way of us.
And I flip off the cop, hoping that he'll pull us over.
And so I'd be like, yeah, this guy just says he's going to
basically just kill me, beat my ass.
You going to do something with that?
Didn't happen.
We get to the house.
He takes his pants off.
Gets out of the car, takes his pants off.
He meant fuck you up.
He meant I'm not going to beat you when we get to the house.
I'm going to beat off in front of you
when we get to the house.
Well, there's another story there.
But this guy is a different vibe.
I'm just not going to say his actual name.
This guy, bad news.
Bad fucking news.
Yeah, he takes his pants off because he watches
a lot of trailer park boys.
And you know Randy, Randy takes his pants off.
He's going to fuck you up.
That's how fucked up in the head this guy is.
He gets out.
While he's taking his pants off in the front yard,
in the driveway, I'm walking to the house,
my grandma and grandpa are outside.
I'm like, yeah, he's off losing it on some crazy shit.
I'm going to go inside and lock the door now.
And as soon as I lock the door, he's banging on the door.
I had to go out in the backyard and hide
while they tried to calm him down.
He figures out I'm in the backyard, comes out there,
comes around the corner in his underwear.
I have a big ass rock in my hand.
And I fucking throw it at him.
And he just retards strength.
Just bounces it right off his fucking gut.
And he's chasing me around.
I also have a baseball bat.
And I have to climb on the fence.
And I'm like, I'm going to hit him with a fucking baseball.
I'm just a kid at this point.
How old are you?
I'm 30.
At this point, I'm at this.
How old was I?
I'm not asking how old are you now.
You said it.
How old are you?
Well, OK, in the story.
I'm like 17, 18 at this point.
Just a fucking kid.
And he's pushing 30.
So funny this happened a week ago.
How old were you?
I'm 30.
Oh, god, no.
No, I have guns now.
I would have fucking killed him.
It would have been like perfect opportunity to kill you.
Holy shit.
That was a nice Austin shitty family tangent.
Yeah, god, free therapy for Austin.
I mean, if he sliced it the right way,
I'm probably a piece of shit too.
But not as much as these people I fucking grew up with.
I'm sorry to hear that.
So a couple notes for the end.
How the fuck does Inara know that she's home?
She definitely wasn't born on dry land.
That didn't happen.
Oh, wait.
She showed up in a basket, right?
Like Moses style or whatever.
So she could have came from dry land.
That does solve it.
And the little music box is what she was in.
Yeah, but she was also an infant.
She wouldn't remember.
So once she saw the skeletons, she walked into the hut.
She's like, this is home now.
Or this is home.
I'm like, no, you don't know that.
But then there's a bunch of paperwork on the back.
So whoever did live there and then died hundreds of years
ago, but also were alive long enough to send Inara out.
And then become skeletons in this short time?
Yeah, that was a little weird.
I guess that they were trying to get it out there,
because they were tattooing every person with a map
to dry land on their backs.
So every person born has a map to dry land on their back.
And then they would just send those people out probably.
So maybe that was just an outpost.
Maybe that was just like, hey, listen.
We have a responsibility, knowing where dry land is,
to get the message out to everybody,
to get them over here.
So we tattoo it on the backs of everybody.
The moment they're old enough, we send them out in a basket,
or we do whatever.
We send them out on a ship.
And then we stay here.
Whatever, it doesn't matter.
Why couldn't the mariner just live near-ish to dry land?
So yeah, live in the water.
That's fine.
Go live in the water.
Be an ocean dweller.
I know that's what you like to do.
Do it a mile or two off coast.
Do it where you can see the land.
Come visit.
Come visit your girlfriend and your surrogate daughter chick.
Why does he have to fuck off completely?
I get that he wants to be alone.
I get he's a solo guy.
He doesn't want to be burdened, I guess.
But he also was learning how to be a man,
like a family man or whatever.
So I don't know.
How does no one just happen to stumble upon that island?
I bet people have.
But then if you're a solo-
Then they become skeletons eventually.
Yeah, exactly.
So if you're like a, from everything we've seen,
the only time we've seen anybody with more than just
a couple of people with them, it's
a settlement of some sort.
It's the smokers, whatever.
But then what's crazy is this is all happening presumably,
let's just say, above New York.
Because there were skyscrapers when he went down below.
Let's just say this whole movie takes place right
above the state of New York.
And that would make sense, even if they were traveling
days on any direction.
They're not covering more than a few hundred mile square
radius.
So that land could be just one of many dry lands.
And if you go to the opposite side of the world, China,
or you go to Australia or whatever,
there could be huge continents that we were that-
Yeah, people don't realize the size of the world.
A couple of months ago, they still
find tribes that have never been contacted.
So even today, with all our technology, all our modern
stuff, there's still people out there that never
been seen.
I love that whole story about this guy that
was like a Christian minister or whatever.
And he goes to the island, try to bring in the Bible,
and they just fucking murk him right there on the beach.
Yeah, I mean, look, if you want to spread your religion,
that's on you.
But some people don't want to watch your shit near them.
Or my house.
Yeah, or my house.
Although, if you do come here, you're
welcome to jump on the podcast.
I want to send a bunch of fried rice podcast
shirts to Sentinel Island.
Just running around in it the whole time?
That'd be great.
Well, I'm ready to rate this thing,
because I've gotten through all my notes and thoughts.
I know we don't do high scores anymore.
This is just my last thought, high scores.
The score of this movie, fucking amazing,
if you haven't listened to it already.
Yeah, the score is fucking real good.
It's a really good.
Sorry, I just want to check to see if Don Barres.
Don Barres hits you back up?
Yeah.
No, I think he's mad at you.
I don't think he likes you.
Mad at me?
Why?
I know he was probably just joking,
but it seemed like just in the middle of the conversation
he was having with that chick, you message as fried rice
podcast, and he reads it out loud.
Fuck you, Anthony Mitchell.
I fucking hate you.
I want to be your friend.
I'll show him after this.
But for the other movie that we're
going to be reviewing later on tonight,
Windy City Heat, which is a prank that they pulled
on some guy.
One of the two pranksters, I guess, who's a comedian.
His name is Don Barres.
After watching the movie, I had never heard of him
prior to this.
I think I know.
Well, that's not true, because I saw him on Kill Tony,
but I didn't know who he was, because he was one
of the more recent Kill Tonys.
And I reach out to him, because I saw he was live on Instagram.
And to be fair, I'll show you the whole clip.
I don't think he was really mad at me,
because if you look, all it is is
that the chick is reading off messages to him.
All she's doing is reading the chat to him.
And so he saw mine, and he said, like, fried rice pie.
And then he started reading it.
And then he did a very funny shout out to Anthony Mitchell,
where he's like, Anthony fucking Mitchell,
it's people like you that make me
want to beat the fucking shit out of every person I ever
fucking see in this world.
And I'm like, nice.
That'll make Anthony happy.
Anthony was very happy.
And he sent me like, this is an early birthday present.
I'm so giddy, because it's like one of his favorite dudes.
It's his favorite movie.
So I was actually pretty happy.
So look, listen, Waterworld.
Well acted.
It is.
It's well acted.
I mean, it's a little goofy at times.
And there's some overacting and some underacting.
And there's some dips in the energy at times.
Any movie this long is going to have parts that aren't great.
Yeah.
But it's a miracle this movie was even made.
And it was originally going to be a lot less than this.
Yeah.
I'm so cute.
Oh, there was all kinds of stuff.
This was almost slipstream on water.
Thank god it's not.
The director and this Kevin Reynolds, right?
And Kevin Costner.
And they were friends, like real friends.
And by the end of this movie, they didn't speak to each other.
Reynolds walked off the project.
Costner had to take over the directing and editing.
And Reynolds, his quote after when they asked him about it,
says Kevin Costner should only star in movies he directs.
That way he can work with his favorite actor
and his favorite director.
You know what?
I love that line.
And I think he said, OK.
And then he went on to make, if I'm not mistaken,
he went on to make Dances with Wolves, which won him an Oscar.
But hold on.
Let me just.
Kevin.
What's he look like now?
What's his name?
Kevin Costner.
He's the one I, yeah.
See, he can still do it.
Oh, no.
Dances with Wolves was first.
My bad.
So Dances with Wolves.
What do you make after this?
That's pre-apocalyptic, is what I mean.
Let's look at, yeah.
So we had, I mean, this guy.
Oh, no.
He's very poor.
I mean, from Untouchables, Bull Durham.
Robin Hood.
Field of Dreams, right?
But then, let's see.
He did Dances with Wolves.
Now you know he can do a three hour epic,
is what people were thinking.
Oh, shit.
This won a bunch of Oscars.
He's did amazing in it.
You know, let's do that.
Then we got Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, another long but
awesome epic.
He was in JFK.
JFK, that's the one where it's like in court,
and that's the first time anyone saw the footage of JFK
getting shot.
The Brutal Films or whatever.
Yeah.
The Bodyguard.
Isn't he the Bodyguard in that?
And the, I will always love you.
That's where that got famous from.
Wyatt Earp, he was Wyatt Earp.
And the Wyatt Earp I've never seen.
Because any time I'm going to watch a Wyatt Earp movie,
I watch Tombstone.
Because why would I ever watch anything
that isn't Tombstone when I want to watch Wyatt Earp?
3,000 miles to Graceland.
That's one of the best.
I believe I've started that movie so many times
as a small child.
And my parents are like, what the fuck are you doing watching
that?
And I watched it.
They took it away, so I never got to.
They dress up like Elvis and Rob people.
That's as far as I could get.
So I mean, it's really good.
I love 3,000 miles.
But then OK.
So then after, I'm sure.
So then Waterworld is 95.
So I mean, we had a success after success after success
after success.
And then Waterworld.
Huge flop.
Everyone hated it.
They hated it before it came out.
This is like the Borderlands of 1995.
It made a bunch of money.
It's just not as much as it should
have for the budget that it had.
Like made more than it's budget.
It was considered a flop, but they made money.
I think it's just like Borderlands right now.
Like nobody's seen Borderlands that I know.
And it's the most hated movie I've talked to right now.
Yeah, Charlie, Moist Critical.
I see a video pop up.
Because I just listened to the Bad Friends episode
where they had Jack Black.
And they recorded it like three weeks ago.
So it was before the Kyle Gass thing.
And they're talking about Borderlands.
Bobby Lee is in it.
He's on the fucking poster in the movie.
He made the poster.
What is he in the movie?
I don't know.
I don't remember.
None of us have seen it.
No one's seen it, but everybody hates on it.
But Moist Critical, on my little YouTube feed,
I follow him.
And I see Moist Critical.
And it just shows Borderlands.
And he says, Borderlands is horrible.
I'm like, oh, no.
That's my recommendation thing this week.
One of the movies I'm going to talk about
is going to relate to Borderlands.
It's the same thing.
We cherish video game shows and movies when they do good.
And then when a bad one comes out, dude,
it sets us back another 10 fucking years.
How does anybody know if it's bad?
Everyone who's saying it hasn't seen it.
Well, I think if there's like a problem, isn't there like a?
Well, but no, but at the same time.
There's a premiere thing.
People get review copies and stuff.
If every critic is saying it's shit,
well, then Water Warp will be shit.
It's 43% or something.
See what I'm saying?
They didn't watch the Ulysses cut.
I think it's almost like 90% of the posts on Twitter
are from 10% of the users on Twitter.
So there's just such a small group of people
who have already seen Borderlands.
And that small group of people don't like it
because they've already seen it already.
Probably like the one with watermarks on it and shit.
Those are the people that are reviewing it right now
and saying it's bad.
Yeah.
I mean, when it goes streaming at some point in the future.
And not in theaters.
I might watch it.
And might is honestly the thing.
It's like if one of you guys recommended it,
if it ever landed on 2B and one of you guys
said let's watch Borderlands, I might watch it.
Well, then I'd have to.
But my brother played a bunch of Borderlands.
I didn't play any Borderlands.
I've played all three.
So I'm going to ask him what he thought of the movie.
And if he says it's bad, I'm going
to take his word for it.
But the problem with Borderlands is like the premise
of the game is fun.
The story is whatever.
And so how are you going to take something
where the premise is fun and the story is whatever
and turn it into a movie?
It doesn't just like.
You have to follow the same story.
No.
Well, I mean, it doesn't have to follow the same story.
But they are because they have exact characters
from the games in there.
So they are following a semblance of the story, which
I don't think is the right move.
I think they could have just done a story from Borderlands.
Set in the Borderlands universe.
That's why some of the others work
when they're not really trying to follow what happened.
Yeah, but then at the same time, you, I know, I honestly,
what I'm thinking is if you want to adapt a video game
into a movie or show, make sure it's a video game that
has a solid story.
Don't do one like World of Warcraft, the movie,
and just know that like, oh, if we put enough fan
favorite characters and fan servicey shit in there,
we can have a movie.
Because it's just it's a boring, stupid movie, right?
Assassin's Creed did its own thing.
I don't think that they were following
like the exact template that made like one
of the games successful.
They were like doing their own thing.
So yeah, you're right.
But then you get a game, then you get a show like The Last
of Us, where it's like, hey, here's
a game that's so story driven that we can make
into an actual compelling series that you don't need to play.
Because it's like when I watch an Assassin's Creed movie
or World of Warcraft movie or I'm sure Borderlands movie,
I'm like, I'd rather just be playing the game right now
than watching this movie.
I'll give you an example, Hitman.
Hitman, exactly.
Wait, which Hitman though?
Well, I like them, but it doesn't matter.
That's the point.
They're not, they don't really follow the storyline
from the game.
The first one was amazing.
It didn't make me want to play the game.
Didn't make me not like the game though.
But that first Hitman movie, fucking great.
First Hitman movie's OK.
Second Hitman movie, I think I actually
liked a little bit better.
I'm not memorable at all for me.
I remember there was a rooftop and a helicopter explodes.
That's it.
That's all I remember from the newer one.
Which is the, I might be mistaken.
Timothy Alphonse.
Yeah, I know.
But which is the one where they have the sniper rifle
in the interrogation room with him.
And he somehow, it's an unloaded sniper rifle
in the room with him.
But then they pull a bullet out.
They're like, so how did this happen or whatever?
He somehow puts it in there and shoots his way out.
That's probably the newer one.
OK, it was pretty cool.
Anyway, Waterworld, let's rate this bitch.
We, here at Fried Rice Podcast, we
have a scale that goes from B to W. We
skip all the letters between F and W.
So it's really just B through F and then W. So that's our scale.
B is our best because we don't have, I don't know,
we haven't thought of anything better yet.
And we've had so much time to.
And I just feel like we're just really
phoning in this rating system at the end here.
Because we really should just have something better by now.
But whatever.
Here's where we're at.
So I give this a strong C+.
I love watching Waterworld.
I enjoy it every time.
I liked watching the extended cut this time.
I wish I knew which scenes I saw that you guys didn't.
But yeah, huge fan.
It also made me watch The Postman, which
I didn't talk anything about.
But again, if you want that, we're
going to talk a lot about it at our Blitz Barcadium live
stream.
So we'll let you know when that's going to happen.
So yeah, C+, for me.
How about you guys?
So this is just a fun action adventure movie.
Kind of old, but it still holds up.
The effects still pretty much hold up.
Even where they fall short, it makes up for it in other parts.
It's really smart.
There's a lot of some twists and good acting, great score.
So I'm going to give it a B. Or five piss jugs.
You know, it's not the worst movie I've ever seen.
It just felt a little uninspired at parts
that was like, moved a little slow at times,
and then really fast.
The pacing in it is a little off.
And that could be the cut, the two hour cut,
versus the three hour cut heat saw.
So the pacing might have been a little different in the one
we saw.
It's got all the ingredients, but it's
like something's missing.
And it could be the things you saw that I didn't.
Do you have any examples of it speeding up?
Because I wonder if you knew a specific thing.
Well, yeah, jumps, time jumps.
There was a lot of time jumps in it.
Like where you were talking about where
you followed the flame that wasn't in it.
Where you went from.
So he just went from like, I'm going to go get these guys.
And then he goes to get them guys.
And then he pulls up to the smoke.
Right, exactly.
Oil thing?
Yeah.
So that kind of thing.
It's like pacing that's off at times.
Something's missing.
I do might be where we missed.
Likeable hero.
It feels like a B movie, even though it's really
a plot movie plot.
Space workers at this have more in common than you think.
But it was ambitious.
And it's enjoyable to watch.
It's not bad to watch.
It's not a bad movie.
But it's C minus.
OK, so Mike's a C minus.
Austin's a B.
Five piss jokes.
Five piss jugs.
Mine would be five, don't fuck that mutant freak.
You're better than that girl out of five.
Mine was two and a half leaking sailboats.
Two and a half?
Oh, mine wasn't five.
I'm so sorry.
Mine was four.
Mine would be like a 3.5.
You know what?
Four.
So mine's a four.
Yours is a five.
Yours is a 2.5.
C plus B, C minus.
Let's put this out of C plus.
Yeah.
So C plus Water World.
Which is like the right rating.
Like we said, Rot Tomatoes has it audience 43%,
which would be a D minus or an F really.
And critics at 46.
Critics likely better than the audience.
Well, yeah, because critics are smarter.
Boy, I don't know about that.
OK, so there we go.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen.
Now time for recreational recommendations.
Or whatever.
What about the next movie?
All right, that works too.
Let's do that.
But I just wrote down recreational recommendations
at 124.
There we go.
Fuck it.
We'll do it later.
What's your what's Austin chooses this week's movie?
It's on 2B.
What is it?
It is going to be Only God Forgives.
Oh, Jesus.
What's that about?
Without giving away too much.
It's a guy lives in Bangkok in the crime scene.
And he's trying to get out of it.
I've very briefly read it.
And I'm like, I don't know much about this.
2013.
Ryan Reynolds.
A remorseful man with a shady past
who longs to escape his role in Bangkok's
gritty criminal underbelly gets sucked
into a brutal cycle of revenge.
So it's vague enough.
Probably like a cool crime drama thing.
Also, Ryan Gosling.
I've always been told I look just like him.
Yeah, OK.
We'll just pretend that it's me.
So when he wants the postman, I'm
going to pretend that it's Hank.
Our boy Hank Hilbert.
Our boy Hank Hilbert, who was a postman.
All right, recreational recommendations.
I read Nikki Sixx's The Heroin Diaries.
And it was actually kind of a fun read.
The book itself is like a piece of art.
Nikki Sixx took diary entries the entire time
for the entire year of 1987.
And it's during the Girls, Girls, Girls tour.
Who's Nikki Sixx?
Nikki Sixx is the bassist and songwriter for Motley Crue.
Thank you.
So it's like a bunch of diary entries.
He collected them all, found them all.
Wait, Motley Crue does girls, girls, girls.
Sixx star at my heart.
All right.
Whoa, sorry to the Rice presidents out there.
Why?
Nothing.
Why are you apologizing to them?
Because I don't know Motley Crue.
Yeah, I think that's going to make them like, Jesus Christ.
Sorry, it's an obscure.
I mean, they're not that obscure.
But it's just like it's hair metal.
Or it's not hard enough for me.
Motley Crue is never hard enough.
Once you read this book, you'll realize exactly how fucking
hard they were.
Because Nikki Sixx, he was like the visionary
behind everything Motley Crue.
Like everyone listened to him.
They just got huge.
They just did the tour for their previous album, whatever.
They're about to go on tour for Girls, Girls, Girls.
And it's all these diary entries.
And so he found them all.
He enlists this guy to help him piece together
times and places and everything.
So you read a diary entry.
And then whoever's involved in the diary entry,
they get their like, OK, now this is what they think.
So it'll say something about him doing heroin with Tommy Lee.
That's the whole diary entry.
And then it'll say, it'll have a short interview
snippet of Tommy Lee talking about it,
like now in current time.
I mean, that's pretty interesting.
It's going back and forth.
And every single page has artwork.
Not like a picture book, not where it takes away from,
you know, to make it longer or anything.
It's just whatever they're talking about,
there's some cool drawing, like a doodle, kind of like you're
reading his actual diary.
There's like little doodles and pictures and stuff.
That sounds awesome.
And it goes through without the whole year of him
being just addicted to heroin and trying to get clean
and then relapsing, trying to get clean, relapsing.
And just all the shit that he went through when he died,
when he overdosed and Slash was there.
And everyone thought Nikki Sixx was dead for like a few hours.
Yeah.
Shit.
It's just a crazy story.
But like that gets all sad and dramatic.
But then at the same time, concurrently,
there's the story of like all the crazy shit they did on tour.
OK.
So he's like, ah, this is sad on my end.
But the tour was fucking dope and lit.
Pretty much.
Just everything that they were doing.
And then I'm sure there's an undercurrent of like him
talking about how life's better now.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
He's into photography now.
And that sounds awesome.
It's like a good.
That sounds like a good one of my favorite chapters, though,
is when he talks about they went to a radio station.
There's this young DJ.
They're live on the air.
And they're just ripping lines of cocaine
and drinking Jack Daniels.
And then they get the DJ to start doing it.
So the DJ is fucked up.
And they're all sweat like shit and fuck
like every few words on the radio.
That's and they're taking calls in.
And they're just fucking with people.
And they're like, they're like, tell us what this sound is.
And we'll give you tickets to the show or something.
And so Tommy Lee takes his dick out,
starts banging it on the table.
And then someone called in.
Is he banging his cock on the table?
And they're like, yeah, you want free tickets.
And then the next day, the DJ walks in.
And his boss is like, holds his finger up and is like,
what does this do?
He's like, I don't know.
It turns off the mic.
You should be in charge.
You're fired.
You got fired the next day.
Yeah, really fun book.
It was a fun read.
Yeah, OK.
So Nicky Six is what's it called?
Nicky Six's Heroin Diaries.
Nicky Six's Heroin Diaries from Austin.
OK, Mike, do you have anything to recommend?
Well, yeah, it's going to get a little controversial.
That can't be worse than Black commendations from last week.
Maybe.
Madame Web.
OK.
Not a bad movie.
Not a good movie either.
I'm not saying it's the best movie ever made.
But we watched Madame Web this week.
I mean, I've not seen it in all this time,
all the toxic talk around it.
But then my granddaughter was getting kind
of the best feeling in the world.
My granddaughter came and got me out of bed on Thursday morning.
She was homesick from school.
And she's like, oh, I found a movie I want to watch.
I found a movie I want to watch.
And so she dragged me out of the living room.
I'm like, OK, what are we watching?
And she pulls up Madame Web.
And I'm like, OK, here we go.
Because everything I've heard about it has been horrible.
Sure.
Not a bad movie to get past the first 20 minutes.
The first 20 minutes suck.
When my mom was studying spiders in the jungle.
Yeah, it sucks.
The first 20 minutes is just horrible.
But then it just becomes a typical action adventure
movie that can scream.
It's a very girl power movie.
So I get some of the toxic crap online.
The same Captain Marvel's crap.
The same shit, which is also not a bad thing.
It just made me think about how much of what we talk about
like we were talking about earlier.
I would still watch Madame Web before the acolyte.
You're not changing my mind.
Well, no, not even just that.
It's just these movies that we haven't seen.
But we listen to what we hear online.
The media tells us, oh, this movie sucks.
Maybe a lot of times we should make that decision on our own
instead of listening to what everybody else has to say.
I'm probably still going to watch Madame Web.
I just think that one's more believable.
Because the whole thing with Sony
is that Marvel sold Spider-Man to Sony.
And they have to keep doing something with that property.
Or they lose that property.
But now there's also a thing that Marvel
might get Spider-Man back.
Because there's also another thing.
If they don't do anything with it for a certain amount of time,
they lose it and it goes back to Marvel.
But also, if they do something so bad and damaging to Spider-Man,
it also might.
So they've got to really walk a tightrope.
And I heard this one was like, oh, woo.
So technically, Sony could not put out a Spider-Man purposely
to be bad, to tarnish Spider-Man's.
They wouldn't.
They can't do that.
They wouldn't.
They don't want to lose the property.
Well, why would they want to?
But it's more like, for any number of reasons,
maybe they wanted to fuck over Marvel for some reason.
I'm not saying they are.
They seem to be working together pretty well.
No, Marvel gets it back if they don't want it.
But they could also get it back in a damaged state.
Like if you-
Oh, they'll just retcon everything Sony did.
Like KKK Spider-Man or something.
They'll retcon.
Or they'll do what Marvel did with the Netflix Jessica Jones
and Luke Cage and Daredevil and Punisher.
They just retconned all that, but they're still
using those same characters.
They're just like, OK, so that's its own little pocket universe.
That's what they're doing now.
They would just do that with Spider-Man.
They would keep little baby Tom Hall in a Spider-Man.
That's Earth Whatever.
This is Earth Whatever.
Yeah.
Here we go.
We're fine.
But basically, it's a good movie.
Especially if you've got female children or grandkids
or whatever, it's a good movie to watch with them.
It's empowering.
It's hard to make a bad Spider-Man anything, really.
Venom was big.
Everyone liked that.
I didn't care for the Venom movies.
The games are fantastic.
I'm currently playing through the new Spider-Man game.
I platinumed the last two.
I platinumed the last two as well.
I want to do it for this one.
I guess if you're talking about Marvel's Spider-Man 2.
Yeah, Marvel's Spider-Man 2, that's the one I still in the middle.
So I platinum all three, then, if you
want to include that middle one, Miles Morales.
I platinum Miles Morales and the original Spider-Man.
Yeah, so trust me, the games are, I love the games.
Into the Spider-Verse and across the Spider-Verse.
Those are the best Spider-Man movies.
Those are great.
Those are amazing.
I think those are the best Spider-Man movies.
The artwork, you know?
Actually, my favorite Spider-Man movies
are the Tom Holland trilogy.
He's my favorite Spider-Man so far.
That trilogy is the most solid trilogy.
It does require a lot of extra Marvel homework
to get a lot of the emotional impact,
especially from the third movie.
But whatever, I still love it.
Dr. Strange and the other Spider-Men, Tom Holland and,
I don't know, Toby McGuire and Andrew Garfield.
Yeah, those are, yeah, that third movie is fucking amazing.
That's one of my favorite movies of all time.
But if we're talking about just like, I mean, on its own,
the Spider-Verse movies are just,
those two are perfect movies.
I can't wait for the third one, dude.
I know, the left one was such a cliffhanger moment.
To be continued, holy shit.
But, Madam Web, I have seen and I'm gonna disagree
that it's a good movie.
No, I didn't say it was good.
I said it's okay.
Does it continue or lead into?
What I said was it's good for daughters.
You said it's a good movie to watch with kids.
I am only saying, like, I thought that the acting was fine.
Everyone seems to have a problem with it.
The ADR thing it's called, where they do the voice,
or they record lines after they've already shot it,
was off and I didn't notice the first time I watched it,
but the second time I was like going through
to see the scenes that everyone was talking about
with bad ADR and it really, yeah, you could tell.
It's poorly edited.
The story seems rushed.
It seems like a little bit, I don't know.
It's a little, it's got a lot of that origin story.
Plus, don't watch the trailer
because the trailer literally has the final,
climatic fight scene in it, which I fucking, so stupid.
It shows, it shows how the main bad guy gets defeated
in the trailer and I'm like, what the fuck?
I watched the trailer, I'm like, okay,
so first you get that stupid line about my mother
working in the forest studying spiders or whatever,
and then it's just like, all right,
here's the rest of the movie in 30 seconds
plus the final shot.
So stupid, but anyway.
I know how they can wreck on that.
Venom shows up and just kills all three of them.
Yeah, takes, but I would take a Madame Web too.
I would too.
If it was them with their powers.
I don't like that there wasn't really any other,
I wanted them to, I wish there was,
that's what I said, it's too much origin story.
At the end, I wanted the movie to continue at the end
once the three girls got their powers.
It should have killed her.
Sydney Sweeney just got huge and they're like,
we need a new Spider-Man project.
Sydney Sweeney's huge.
Put her fucking tits in that shit.
I think they could have done a time jump.
Which they, by the way, did not do.
They hit them the whole time.
Yeah, I mean, there were supposed to be kids in that.
They're teenage girls, right?
15, so it's good that they were hiding the tits.
We can all agree.
I wasn't saying anything, I just said get her tits.
Austin, this is a, it's not a family show.
Would appreciate it if you could talk about
the fucking high school titties all the time.
Okay.
Every fucking episode with this guy.
I'm gonna pull a fucking gun to my head.
What about you?
What's your, oh, I don't have one.
I never have one.
I literally have too much time watching.
You know how many fucking things I had to watch
for this Saturday?
You know how many, I had to read a book.
I had to watch four movies.
I had to watch three TV shows
and that's on top of working full time
and editing all this shit.
So it's like, I mean, are you guys editing this?
No.
Are you guys doing all the other shows?
No.
And now you want me to come up with an extra thing
that I recommend?
How about sleep?
You wanna know what I was trying to record,
what I was, what I was.
That's your rec recommend.
That's my recommend was fucking sleep.
That's what I enjoyed this weekend
when I wasn't doing all this other shit.
So anyway, next week it's gonna be only God forgives
2013 Ryan Reynolds and this has been.
No, Ryan Gosling.
Ryan Gosling, sorry.
And this has been the Water Roll episode.
A little bit of Postman,
but we'll get the real Postman in the future.
Look out for our Glitch Parkadium live stream.
I've been your host, Andy Rice.
This has been a great time.
With me is always Austin.
He did the breaststroke three hours to be here.
And by that, I mean, he put Mike's titties on his ass.
Barrel.
Thomas is veg.
Thomas is not veggie.
And Michael with us as always of course is Michael.
He's as old as the dirt at the bottom of the ocean
is itself, Larsen.
Cellios, motherfucker.
I didn't even say you were gonna die.
You went old.
Nope, nope.
That doesn't count.
You gotta come up with new things.
Ladies and gentlemen, put in the comments
how lazy Michael's getting with his Cellios references
because I've thought outside the box
to make it so that he has to think
and he's not doing that.
So that's how we're gonna end it
with a burn against these two.
Him, Austin with his high school titties
and Mike not knowing to when to kill something.
Everybody have a wonderful night.
I've been your host, Andy Rice
and I haven't said anything controversial.
Bye.
And we'll see you next time.