The
The following podcast has been dubbed from English to English.
And welcome to another foreign special language edition
of Fried Rice Podcast.
I am your host, Andy Rice.
Let's get fried.
With me, as always, is Austin.
Traveled three hours to be here, but he came from China.
Pretty impressive.
Farrell.
Check me out at the Weinstein Company.
With us, as always, is Michael.
Unlike Asian people, he's aging, and you can totally tell.
Larson.
Cellios, motherfucker.
With us, as always, is Brennan.
Oh.
Trying to get canceled in one minute.
52 seconds in and we're canceled.
With us, as always, is Brennan.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
Shipley up to Boston.
Hello, everybody.
And I am your host.
I already said it, Andy Rice.
Oh, this is the first time in the history of this podcast
where the fried rice probably is the most fitting.
And again, the reason I'm doing all these Asian jokes
at the top, I guess, if you want to call them that,
is because we watched for the first time
ever for this podcast a foreign movie.
And it was Jackie Chan's first strike.
And we'll get into it a little bit later.
But welcome to the show.
It's been an exciting week for everybody.
Speaking of strikes, we got our first YouTube strike.
Oh, did we really?
Yeah.
It said for usage or creation of illegal substances.
And it was the You Cannot Kill Michael Larson video.
And it's just like an hour and 44 minutes in.
And I went and listened to it exactly then.
And I didn't find anything offensive.
And I'm like, what is the strike for?
And it's like, oh, use or creation of drugs
because of the little joint.
Because it's that loop that we have, like the fill in loop
so we can put the videos on YouTube.
And it's like, yeah, but that's like almost every video
right now.
And it's only that one.
That means like some asshole went in there
and reported it for that.
So we're getting in trouble because we
have a fun little loop on our YouTube video
that has a joint being just not even smoked, just placed down.
I mean, we're burning.
It's burning.
But what about the bong being picked up and put in there?
What about the joint being put in the ashtray
and then taken out of the ashtray?
And for some reason, that specific moment,
even though there's 12 other videos with the same exact loop
that's happening until we get the new format going.
When do we get our actual video on there
and we're all actually smoking?
That's the thing.
It's going to be small in the corner.
You have to have like this size TV to even see what we're doing.
I haven't checked our voicemail lately.
I'm almost afraid to because I feel like what's going to happen
is that I'm going to start getting angry phone calls
from people who think I'm driving poorly because of my license
plate.
They're going to like, who the fuck
is this fried rice podcast?
They're going to look it up, see I have a number,
and then start calling and being like, hey, asshole,
you cut me off on the road.
And then I'll be like, are you that purple fucking van?
You that fat bitch that was behind me?
No, I did not.
I did not cut you off purple van.
There was about four car lengths in front of you, purple van.
If you're out there, purple van, you're listening to this.
Because I saw how angry you were when
I got three car lengths in front of you, you pieces of shit.
And you know what?
80s, 90s, purple van.
It was old.
They don't make vans purple anymore.
It could have been off purple.
What's like a, what would be close to purple?
Like a bluish, like runish, maybe.
It was something into that.
She sucks.
Yeah, she sucks.
Fuck you, purple van.
Do you have another sticker?
I'll call those people back, back in Phoenix, dude.
I don't give a shit.
And Deadpool 3 came out this week.
Deadpool and Wolverine came out this week.
We're not going to, of course, do any spoilers whatsoever.
But because Brendan hasn't seen it yet.
What do you mean?
We just released it a week ago.
Oh my god, that's right.
I forgot all about that.
I learned how time works, Andy.
Yeah.
Jeez, this is not the way that we deal with time is not sensitive.
Which also means Brendan already saw it.
You like the movie, Brendan?
Yeah, it's fantastic.
About three weeks ago, right?
I'll talk about it next time.
Especially that one part, that one part, right?
Yeah, that one part was amazing.
Perfect.
It was funny.
Thank the episode.
So OK, what are we smoking this week?
What are we smoking?
Speaking of what are we smoking, I made one of those highlight
reels.
And if you listen to it, you can tell it gets edited.
But it's like, all right, let's get into what are we smoking.
And then it cuts to microintremadol is what I'm smoking.
I must have been shortly after my surgery.
Yep.
So good cover, Mike.
I packed a little bit of this GMO from, I don't even know the brand here.
It just says GMO.
It's a bag.
It's green.
It looks like it's got monster trucks on it.
So if you know, and monster trucks with like onions and mushrooms in it?
GMO, what are they like?
Genetically modified?
Yeah.
Well, whatever.
It's nighttime flower.
But what did you pack?
That tastes pretty good.
It's still killing me.
It's Calibut's Glitter Bomb.
And it's a hybrid.
I got it at THC, 28% THC.
That's good.
I've got to go tomorrow down to Calibut.
I guess I got to go into Cali this next week to get some.
I went to Jar's yesterday.
Damn sign on the door.
Yeah.
I went there on Thursday or Wednesday and it was closed.
I'm like, wow, way to miss out on thousands of dollars.
That's got to be more than that.
I think there's tens of thousands of dollars.
They sold and they're reopening next week with a new name.
Are they really?
That's what I read online at least.
They got buyout Jar's money?
Jar's all over?
Or just this Jar's?
She doesn't work there anymore.
But my Jar's was not closed.
This one says Jar's Kingman for some fucking reason.
But I did not get it in Kingman.
I got it in El Mirage and Phoenix.
But this is Georgia Pie and it's 25%.
And in parentheses, it says good.
They do a good, better, best or whatever.
Yeah.
I hate.
I mean, thank you.
Which means nothing.
Yeah.
Yes, I mean, Georgia Pie.
Hell yeah.
Thank you.
I'll unpack that one next.
Yeah.
But I hate the tier system.
So last night I was talking to my friend and there's two
thoughts and this sort of relates to it a little bit.
There needs to be just more universal terms for this.
I think weed right now, we're sort of in the wild west
of what to call stuff sometimes.
I think that we need to come up with a way
that people know exactly what they're getting into.
So you buy a bottle of alcohol, it tells you the proof.
And I know that we have THC percentages.
But as we all know, that it kind of means nothing.
Because like.
They affect you differently, even whatever the percentage is.
It used to be top shelf, mid shelf, bottom shelf.
Yeah.
That used to be what it was.
And that was an OK system.
We need something like based on how mellow it is versus more
how it makes you feel.
Or how potent.
Yeah, the potency.
But then also like top shelf, mid shelf, bottom shelf
sort of sounds like drugular terms.
Yeah.
You don't go, well, I mean, actually.
No, that's what you want.
Alcohol though.
You would want, let me get top shelf, let me get well.
Right.
Exactly.
So I guess that would be.
The problem with it is it doesn't always match up.
So I'll get a top shelf and smoke it and have
hardly any effect on me.
And then I'll get the cheapest crap in the world
and it'll make me higher in hell.
This comedian had a really good joke about dispensaries
should have like a section for people who like buying
weed the old fashioned way.
And I'm getting to the old fashioned.
And then they take you to a room and there's
just a guy with a dog that doesn't like anyone.
And then you make the transaction.
And then he asks you to give his mom a ride to the liquor store.
That's great.
That's so good.
You're going to be like, then you smoke it with him.
Make sure you're not a cop.
Yeah, Grant, if you're listening.
Love you, buddy.
Loved going to your house.
You're my favorite guy.
And then the other thing I was thinking is,
we're just talking about universal terms for things.
I'm tired of us not having a name for shorts or YouTube
shorts, reels, or TikToks.
Right now, as I'm saying, all three, there's not a form
content.
Well, yeah, but even that people aren't using short form content.
They're either saying I watched a TikTok the other day,
and then immediately people look at you like,
you have a TikTok?
And I'm like, no, I don't have a fucking TikTok.
And I didn't watch a TikTok.
But maybe I watched a TikTok that somebody posted on YouTube
shorts, or maybe I watched a Facebook reel or an Instagram
reel, whatever.
It's all the same shit.
It's just short form content, one minute at a time,
or less, or more, or whatever.
There's no rules to it.
Honestly, some could be 10 seconds.
Some could be 10 minutes.
Now I've seen that.
Yeah.
YouTube or Facebook, they can be a little longer.
All our highlight reels, I've just
been throwing them on Facebook just to see what happens.
So I'm trying to get us the business page higher
on that level.
And now we're at the point where we need 3 million views
on our shorts or whatever.
So if you're listening, go watch our shorts 1 million times
and get two other people to do the same thing.
I'm not asking you to do all three yourself.
Instagram's a little more strict.
They want it to be like 10 minutes, and that's it.
Yeah, I mean, it's.
With our highlight reels, I clip just the funny parts.
Not even all the funny parts.
It ends up being however long it is.
I think Slipstream was like 20 minutes long.
We had a lot to say about it.
We did.
They usually generally between 10 and 15 minutes long.
If anyone sees, I'm not watching this two hour fucking video
on the coonies.
And well, then here's a shorter one.
I actually recommend that you listen
to our podcast at 1.5 speed.
Because I feel like you can.
Just two hours, they're pretty long.
We're sorry.
And everyone's high and they talk slow.
Yeah, I mean, fuck.
And you know how I feel about slow talkers.
I fucking hate it.
So like, listen to our shit at 1.5.
I'm not going to be offended by it.
We probably sound better at 1.5.
Yeah, we do.
Brendan sounds, he's louder at 1.5.
At 1.5 speed.
So that's the one we spoke.
We got Georgia Pie.
We've got Glitter Bomb.
And we've got genetically modified Monster trucks
with onions in their backseat for some reason.
Again, it's a weird picture.
I don't know if they used AI or whatever.
But that's what I would use.
I would use AI if I had a weed company.
I would just have all sorts of cool packages
with fucking weird AI shit all over it.
In fact, I'd even call my weed AI or something.
Like, it gives you artificial intelligence.
Artificial.
Oh, there's got to be an I word for weed.
Artificial indica?
No, because you don't want people to think it's artificial.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Yeah, you know, I think they're getting like spice
or something.
There is an artificial, yeah, it's spice.
That's artificial indica.
When I, my buddy Sean and I, when we were 22,
we went backpacking across Europe.
And when we went to Ireland, we were
jonesing for some weed.
It was day two of us being on our trip.
And so we bought spice and, or I think their version of it.
And we smoked it at a park, and it was fucking awful.
And I hated every second of it.
And it didn't get us high.
It just gave us headaches.
And so we were like, nah, fucking spice doesn't work.
Let's go buy real weed or whatever,
which we did at some point.
But the guy that we, so the shop we went into,
though, to buy the spice, we were like, hey,
we heard that there's some fake weed out here.
Because we didn't know what it was.
I think it was just brand new, whatever spice was.
And we're like, hey, we heard there's some fake weed.
We're trying to be like, why?
He's like, yeah, here it is.
He's like, I also have fake cocaine.
And we're like, OK.
And he's like, you want to try a sample?
We're like, what?
And he pulls out, literally says sample on it,
a tiny little Ziploc bag of fake cocaine.
And he puts two lines out on the glass counter in front of us.
Where was this?
In Ireland.
Like Dublin, in Dublin, on a little street
that there was a farmer's market outside, which plays a-
Do the accent then.
Oh, OK.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
Hello, sir.
We would like to, we've heard that there's some fake meat.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
There'd be spice is what it's called.
OK.
I'm Randy McIse.
That's me.
I'm Randy McIse.
OK, well, yeah, we'd like some of that.
But we've also got fake cocaine.
It's me lucky charm.
And so anyway, he lines it up.
Sean didn't want to do it because he's like,
I'm not doing no sketch fake cocaine.
I do both lines.
Wait for it.
Hi, Andy's mom.
I've never done cocaine.
And so the thing is, immediately, I feel sick to my stomach.
It hit me weird.
It probably may be laxative.
It might have been maybe laxative.
I walk outside and I throw up.
I throw up all over a fruit cart that was outside.
I threw up on some fruit at a fruit cart,
on the bottom of the thing.
And the guy got really angry and me and Sean had to run away.
And we ran down the street and ran into a Vons type thing,
like an Albertsons type store.
McVons?
McVons, yeah.
And that's where we found out that they call their body wash
douche.
Some of them are called douche.
McDouche?
Yeah, McDouche.
Sorry, I'll put a Mc in front of everything.
Everything's next there.
We did go to a, you know what, this
is the time that this was the water we smoked.
And not talk about Europe.
I just spent, I just saw Sean.
And we, you know, I missed the trip.
It's been a while.
I like the old stories, though.
I miss it, man.
I remember we, way back in high school,
we went to the park to meet up with someone to buy weed.
And he's like, I don't have any bags,
so I just got to give it to you.
And we just walked like a mile home with our palm open,
just with weed.
Just like, do do do do do.
Why first time getting my friend Michael high?
Or I think it was his first or second time.
We got, we just got so fucking high in the backseat
of this car.
And we started walking.
We were like, we can't drive.
Let's just walk to the Carl's Jr., which is by a block away.
It was a mission.
But we go to the Carl's Jr. and we're still fucking
just stoned out of our minds.
On our way back, we see this car just driving kind of slowly
by us.
And we all thought we were about to get drive-by shot.
And so we like froze and we're all about to jump
into the bushes.
And the car just drives by.
And we all like, we're freaking out.
We look at each other.
And I was like, husband, did you think
we were about to get shot?
Like it's, you know, I don't know.
We didn't get shot.
I don't know where this is going.
You're just getting me high and talking about old times.
Yeah, we went to my friend's house.
This is like right after we first started smoking weed.
And we got the idea of, why don't we eat the weed
and see what it does?
So we got a big nug.
We split it in half.
We went into the laundry room to eat it for some reason.
Yeah, that's what does.
And we ate it and nothing happened.
So we never did.
You don't get high from eating weed?
Not straight up, no.
Not straight.
If it's just flour.
You gotta like, how come it kills dogs then?
I don't think flour does.
Chocolate kills dogs.
Dogs are very vulnerable.
Yeah.
It's true.
It's something to do with the heating process
of cooking it that brings it out there.
You gotta like strain the Christianity out of it.
My friend, I went to his house and his dog bark, bark, bark.
Just doesn't like me one bit.
Doesn't give me a chance.
I'm trying to, you know, like I'm being super friendly
because I love dogs and it's a little chihuahua
and it fucking hates me, right?
And then later on, and this is after me being
in the apartment and like being near the dog this whole time
and it stopped barking.
We're trying to like get a situation
where I can get close enough for the dog to smell me
or whatever and it's like, don't worry.
She's just shy or whatever.
She doesn't bite anyone.
The motherfucker took a bite at me.
Just last night it fucking nipped at my hand
and they both looked at the dog like, oh shit.
She's never done that before.
It was a chihuahua, it did hurt.
No, it didn't hurt.
It wasn't.
But Jesus Christ, dude.
Scary though.
I'm getting like a bad, I've had a bad run
in with dogs lately.
Ever since that, I took a delivery to that house
and I took a delivery to a house,
the gate was closed.
I opened it up because it's a delivery.
They know I'm coming.
I knock on the door and then I realize, uh oh,
I hear barking inside and I realize there's a dog door,
two of them, right next to me.
And they look open and I hear movement from the inside
and I was like, fuck.
And so I put the pizza on the ground or table, whatever,
and I fucking run.
And I get to the gate as the dogs are running out,
chasing me.
Like they get to the gate, slam the gate,
they're right there, like jumping up and shit.
And then it was scary, man, they're big dogs.
And I, who the fuck does that?
I don't know, but who the fuck doesn't come back to the store
and tell everybody else about that address
so we don't do the same thing?
I think I put a note.
There was a note on that.
Did I?
I think so.
Okay.
That was their way of getting out of tipping me.
Me and my buddy.
There's easier ways to not tip me.
Yeah, just don't tip.
Send your fucking.
That's what I tell people.
Quit sending the kid to the door
because you're embarrassed.
Yeah, send your kid to the door
because you're gonna tip.
That's the cheap, that's the fucking pussy way out.
You listen bitches, if you're listening and you don't tip,
we've got some fucking shit to say.
That's teaching your children wrong.
Yeah.
Gen Z, Gen Alpha, every time I go to the fucking door,
if there's a 15, 16 year old kid and they order pizza,
guess who's not getting a fucking tip?
Because they're pieces of shit.
You're teaching them wrong.
Like no one's teaching their kids
the right way anymore to be, I bet you,
your piece of shit, Gen Alpha kids,
Gen Z kids right now are at a restaurant
not tipping their fucking server.
And then they're gonna go home and get on their Facebook
and share Andrew Tate videos about business and like,
yeah, I know dude, I'm gonna fucking.
Just posting quotes and shit.
It's like Gen Z men or boys are like the new white girls
of our younger days where it's just a fucking stupid quote
with like a picture of a flower or some shit.
Now guys are doing it.
It's like, it's always like a picture
of like fucking Ghost Rider or that guy from Peaky Blinders
or some shit.
Yeah, yeah, some sort of giga Chad.
I don't see you at the party.
I don't see you at the bank.
Like shit like that.
Like those are the fuckers that don't tip.
This guy likes to go out and drink with, you know,
bitches on grind mode, grind set 24 seven.
Beast mode, hashtag beast mode.
Hashtag beast, you know, that's actually beast mode
probably old school now.
I bet you saying beast mode is fucking lame.
I'm 30, I don't give a fuck.
Yeah.
Speaking of fight me kids,
let's talk about this week's action packed question board.
Jackie Chan's police story four slash first strike.
I wish I had known it was the fourth
of a police story franchise named first because.
Fourth strike.
Because I, the whole fucking time,
I'm just thinking like, this kind of feels like a movie
that's in the middle of a franchise.
Why does this story start in the middle?
I'm confused.
Why is everyone so on,
why does everyone want Jackie Chan's dick so bad?
Why is every country in the world fighting
to get Jackie Chan to help solve some cases?
What has he done other than follow a Russian woman
around a little bit in the beginning?
What's so big about like it does anyway.
He noticed how many times she went to the bathroom.
Wait, what'd you say?
He noticed how many times she went to the bathroom
on the plane.
She went seven times.
Yeah, she went seven times.
I feel like, okay, we're gonna execute this guy now.
She was doing some cocaine.
Yeah, she was definitely doing cocaine.
That's what you take away from that.
Well, okay.
First Jackie, so it's called first strike.
It's called ging shat gu si four gan dan yang mo.
It's also called police story four
or Jackie Chan's first strike.
Is that.
I can't wait to see what the transcript says.
What you just said.
Is super cop part of the police story?
I think so.
Is that the first?
Don't tell me super cop is the first of the police store.
No, there's a police story.
A police story two first strike.
Oh, but there's also a super cop too.
Okay, so super cops its own.
Oh no, it's police story three super cop.
Okay, no, no, no, no.
So you're telling me there is a police story.
A police story two, a police story three super cop,
a police story four Jackie Chan's first strike
and a police story three super cop two.
That's this is a common thing in the 90s.
I've watched breakdowns of it.
It's kind of like a, if you look up armor of God,
Jackie Chan, there's a whole, yeah, there it is.
Armor of God two.
Oh, and there's also a new police story.
There's something with the rights to the title
or something from between China.
It's China, Hong Kong is the thing.
Part of it is that China, Hong Kong thing.
So like when they released them other places,
they have to have a different name.
So even though it's the same movie,
it has two names or three names.
I mean, I get all that, I guess.
But armor of God two operation condor.
I remember calling this operation condor,
but what is this called?
Mission Adler?
That's no one in there, no one's called it Mission Adler.
Different countries, different names.
Oh, der Stark arm that got there.
Okay, so that's a German title, who cares?
I mean, this is a better controversy
for Jackie Chan than the other one.
Wait, it's a what?
What's the other one?
Type in Jackie Chan controversy, people won't like it.
Not to defame Jackie Chan,
but there's a reason he's not in anything anymore.
With something with his daughter, isn't it?
His son is gay?
And he's like, I do not like son.
Yeah.
Oh, well, way to bring this down.
Well, hey, you're getting the work done
over his movie titles.
Well, I was about to-
This is a lighter version.
I was about to start talking about
how much I love Jackie Chan.
I still love him, I love him more now.
I stand with Jackie Chan.
That's a funky ass picture of Jackie Chan's face.
Let's go to his controversy.
First of all, no, it doesn't even say anything.
Yeah, it does at the bottom.
Oh, an affair.
Affair?
It's an affair, despite regretting the results
of the affair in Chancery.
Oh, he had an extramarital affair.
He has a daughter.
Yeah, okay.
Oh, okay, wait, no.
No, I think it's-
There's nothing, yeah.
Yeah, it's nothing for America,
but I think in Taiwan it might be
a much bigger deal than here.
Is there gonna be a Jackie Chan movie
where he saves Taiwan from China?
Political views and controversy.
It just needed a much bigger section
to talk about how fucked up he is.
So we're just scrolling through,
we're like, no, look, he's fine.
It's in under his legacy, it says, see, cultural impact,
he's really good, and then, no, no, no, here we go.
Here's the political views and controversy.
Just because of their country's political views.
Yeah, talking about Taiwan and Hong Kong, China.
Yeah, the CCP.
He's a country boy.
He was named in the Panama Papers?
Oh, wow, is this him in drag?
Wow, I did not expect to find just a picture.
In Supercop 2, which again, is Police Story 3's sequel
to itself.
Supercop 2 is Police Story 3.5.
Yeah.
Or if you are going Final Fantasy rules,
they did, for the first, so, Final Fantasy 1 through 9
are just standalone on their own.
There was a Final Fantasy Tactics,
and you have like, Mystic Quest,
I think is like a Final Fantasy ripoff,
and then there's a couple of choke ball games, whatever.
But, Final Fantasy 10 got a direct sequel,
and it's called Final Fantasy 10 2.
So it's the sequel to Final Fantasy 10.
So it's Final Fantasy 10-2.
Maybe that's X.
What?
Like Apple, maybe they just don't allow for 10.
Wait, oh, Apple doesn't allow for 10?
No, you get like, the iPhone went 6, 7, 8, 9, X.
Well, that's Roman numerals for 10.
No, but you can't call it 10.
They get mad if you call it 10.
I will call it 10.
Yeah, well, don't call, don't walk into an Apple Store.
Who's gonna get mad at me?
I'm saying, you walk into an Apple Store
and ask for an iPhone 10,
they're gonna look at you like an idiot.
I'm gonna walk into an Apple Store holding an orange.
I'm gonna ask for a fucking Apple 10.
Not even a specific product,
I just want an Apple 10.
That runs Linux.
I want one of those fucking computers
that were transparent, bluish,
you know what I'm talking about?
The all-in-one buddy that came with it.
Yeah, I want one of those.
We had it in school, yeah.
I want one of the, what?
We had it in school, Mike?
I had it in school.
That's right, I had it in school.
No, wait, you had it in school?
No, Mike, Mike, Mike, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You might have been aware that your children at some point
had these in school.
Michael, the computer, when you went to school,
the computers were the size of gymnasiums.
They took, it took 40 people to have it do calculator math.
We're running 17 times 47.
And it's punch cards coming up.
And you have a special lady at the end
that could read the punch numbers.
Yeah, Mike, going to the computer lab for you
was going to another building.
That is the computer lab.
That's not kids, I know we're all upset about JFK
getting assassinated, but you know.
I was gonna say that the school nurse
was also a switchboard operator.
Yeah, Mike, when you had to,
I bet you had a party line, didn't you,
when you were growing up?
No, my grandmother had it at her house still, but.
You know how crazy party lines is?
Do you know about that? It's insane.
So back, so like, when phones,
before we had cell phones, obviously,
but when it was just landlines,
there were like rural areas.
And also, it also-
Downtown Dallas.
But the thing is, is like they had,
you'd have to share a phone line
with the rest of your building,
the rest of the people either
in your neighborhood or whatever.
But like, it's all just connected.
So you'd have to wait for someone
to finish talking or whatever,
and then pick up the phone and dial your whatever.
But people could hear your conversation and shit.
Like it's-
Oh God.
You would pick up the phone at my grandma's house,
I would pick up the phone if I wanted to call somebody,
and there could be somebody just talking.
It'd be like, I need to make a call to them.
Okay, I'll be off in five minutes.
Same thing as if you picked up another phone.
Wait five minutes.
Can you imagine?
Get off the fucking phone!
It has happened.
It was the teenage girls getting in big arguments over
party lines. You're talking about nothing.
Get off the phone.
Thanks for calling the, is David Cassidy,
was he a popular guy?
Sean Cassidy?
I was trying to think of like,
who was a hunk back in the day when you were young?
Who was your, who would you have a big crush on?
Who was the hunky boy that you liked when you were a teen?
Sean Cassidy?
Talking 70, so.
Yeah, I mean, I'm just, the joke is,
I'm just trying to think you pick up the party line
and it's one of those hotlines to-
Marlon Brando.
Yeah, thanks for calling one.
Those did not exist then.
900 numbers or 800s?
They didn't cross over 900 numbers and stuff in party lines.
Oh yeah, what am I talking about?
When you were growing up,
phone numbers were still just seven digits.
They didn't even have area codes yet.
They didn't need them.
I am making an old joke, but then at the same time,
this might be real.
You might've been around before area codes.
Now, you didn't have to dial them, but they exist.
And now there's only the dial long distance,
but long distance cost a fortune back then.
Oh yeah.
What do I-
Give me a shot, please.
Yeah.
So, now that we've talked about,
I guess Jackie Chan, I don't even know what that was.
So, first problematic thing, hopefully,
we're going to Ukraine, y'all.
That's what this movie takes place.
Ukraine, yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna be honest.
This, my note, okay, I didn't watch this for the plot.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
That's a good call.
You're not supposed to watch it for the plot.
Yeah, I didn't, I'm gonna be honest with you.
Very convoluted.
Yeah, there's this-
These Jackie Chan movies, it's a formula,
and then they just add Jackie Chan to it.
This is where you get the goofy costumes,
and we're going here, we're going there,
and put this funny thing.
The one I really wanted to pick wasn't on 2B,
Rumble in the Bronx.
Oh yeah. That's a much better movie.
Rumble in the Bronx is great.
And it's got that stunt, where he breaks.
So, in Rumble in the Bronx, he jumps,
I think it's like a hundred and something feet
from a cliff to a hover boat, to a hovercraft,
like an actual hovercraft that they built.
Got ran over?
No, no, I don't know if-
Later.
Well, oh, okay.
In this one though, the jump, he breaks his ankle
when he lands, like he breaks his leg,
and they put a cast on it,
and he has the department make a rubber sleeve
that looks like his pant leg and shoe
to put over the cast, so that when filmed
from far enough away, you can't tell.
And he did the stunt again,
and that's the one they used in the movie.
He's broken every bone in his body,
and he's broken a lot of bones multiple times.
And this was when, in the 90s, when I heard this fact,
that he's broken every bone in his body.
That was in a book that my babysitter,
when I was probably like five or six years old,
so now, think about, he's probably broken even more
since then, because he never slowed down.
The 90s was not, like that was just going up
and up and up from Jack 10.
Oh, he'd get fucked up, and like every blooper
after every movie just shows him just-
That's like the best parts of his movies,
like the end part where you see all the work.
I only want Jackie Chan bloopers.
I don't want it.
I think he's been working with the same crew of stuntmen
like his entire career, too.
He trained them.
Yeah, like they're like his protégés.
His little protégés, yeah, I saw a ceremony
where they were honoring him.
I think they're called the Jackie Chan
film martial arts school or something like that.
That's dope.
He's, I mean, obviously I think what we all love
about Jackie, what's made him stand out the most
is that the comedy that he adds to his fighting.
The facial expression.
The facial expression, the fact that he gets,
I remember I saw an interview with him once,
and he's like, you watch a fight,
and people get punched in the face,
and they don't really react,
and that's kind of boring or whatever,
but I wanted to be a guy that actually showed pain.
Like I wanted to get hit and show that it hurts,
and like make it funny in the same time,
and that works 100%.
You see someone get, like, yeah,
you wanna see when the ladder closes on his fingers
that he's like, ah, fuck.
Is it weird for a grown man
to still watch Jackie Chan Adventures?
That was a good show.
It was a good show.
One-watching!
You can even play the game, the little GBA game
or whatever, the Game Boy Advance game.
So first 12 minutes, I just put boring, bad,
unfunny shenanigans.
I didn't care what the fuck was going on.
It's Jackie Chan following around some woman on an airplane.
She peed seven times.
Great.
And some of the worst dubbing I've ever seen.
Yeah, the dubbing is, this is some bad fucking dubbing.
It was awful.
Now, here's the thing.
Not, normally I have a pretty, like when I watch a movie,
I have a pretty set opinion after it, it won't change,
but knowing now that this is Police Story 4,
this could maybe change my grade.
This might actually now go from what was a D
to like a C plus, because from the perspective of
the Jackie Chan playing Jackie Chan, the cop,
no, no, sorry, he's Chan.
No, he's Jackie, they call him Jackie the whole time.
No, he's Inspector Chancock Huey or whatever,
but I guess the Americans we get, hey Jackie.
So stupid.
Okay, so we have world renowned police detective,
Inspector, whatever, Jackie Chan.
And he is so fucking dope that every country
in the fucking world wants him as their boy.
So anyway, he follows some Ukrainian,
it really doesn't matter, like the story.
It's just another mission, another feather
in Jackie Chan's Police Story hat.
You know old Jackie boy, how he do in this Police Story.
He's always saving the world.
If there's a story in police, he's the one in it,
you know what I'm talking about?
So then it gets to like the snow, right?
And of course you get like the funny Jackie Chan's cold,
he didn't dress appropriately, which doesn't.
So he's almost like the anti James Bond,
and I know he even mentions James Bond a couple of times.
Mike right now is handing me.
That's what AI makes out of this movie.
It makes sense, so Mike handed me a piece of paper.
Just real quick for the people listening at home,
which is everybody, or wherever you're listening.
Mike physically prints out on actual computer paper
AI images that he makes online.
He's the only person in the world that makes AI images
and then takes his home printer and prints out
those AI images and then takes to share with people.
I don't have the heart to tell him
there's a share function on his computer.
And thousands of ways we could connect online
in order for him to get these images to us
without killing trees, but he's a gray haired angel
and we'd be lost without him.
So this papery hands me is a Jackie Chan
with a very, very smushed face.
And he is fighting two great white sharks in the snow.
One of them is flying through the air
with like a maple leaf in its mouth.
And the other one is Jackie is pushing away from him
and he's got legs.
The shark has legs.
Printed in full color.
Printed, oh yeah, full color printing.
The amount of money.
Right now, and this is true,
computer ink costs more per liquid than blood.
Than blood.
Yeah.
For Jackie Chan, for the prompt for this, Mike,
did you just type in severely Down syndrome Asian man?
Because oh my, and why is he like putting his hand
like essentially around the shark's mouth?
Yeah, he's sort of fisting that shark's mouth
a little bit, it's weird.
Yeah, you added some extra little,
it's like Jackie Chan, sharks, snow,
and then you put parentheses,
but I really want him to fist that shark in the mouth,
do what you can.
Honestly, the way I make these,
the ones that I do for here, that one,
is always nothing but the description of the movie.
Yeah. Off IMDB.
That's what it gives you if you put
the description of the movie off IMDB.
Yeah, that's insane.
Three, yeah, okay.
Oh, sorry, I was about to give away your rating.
You wrote it right there on the top.
Okay, so where were we?
Oh yeah, so we get to Jackie Chan in the snow
and he's being silly, he can't,
he's too cold or whatever.
And I finally, I was like, okay, so the snow stuff is fun,
like the him, you know, flying around,
but then we get those hidden little snow goons.
The whole time?
Yeah.
The whole, how long?
They were waiting.
Underneath that fucking.
That was smart, I saw the ground move
and I'm like, is that a movie flaw or is there like-
I did too.
But like before that, there's a Swiss bank
where they catch that chick at
and the name of the Swiss bank is just Swiss bank.
I didn't catch that.
That's funny.
Just Swiss bank.
And when Jackie Chan's going around the place
like surveilling, it's like, yeah,
tourist attraction, Asian guy,
wouldn't suspect them at all.
And I think of this Russian store they're at
or Ukrainian store or whatever,
I'm just like, you know, they got everything
from A to backwards R.
Oh yeah, okay, I like that one.
That's a thinker.
Terrorists are messaging each other on AOL messenger.
Yes.
It brought me back to one ranger,
that not Western Western.
This guy, the leader of terrorism or something,
you called him the king of terrorism.
Yeah.
I love the seal hat.
Oh, the one he wore?
Yeah, in the snow.
In the snow.
Yeah.
And then those guys pop up, they shoot everyone, right?
And then the one guy, the one main guy goes to Jackie
and is like, don't move.
And then Jackie Chan moves a lot.
Yeah.
That's what I wrote.
Don't move, moves a lot.
Is this when they start the snowmobile slash
snowboarding, skiing, helicopter, ice, missile,
fight scene, correct?
Okay.
A staple in the police story franchise.
Epic.
Can't go a police story without at least one helicopter.
Without shooting a guy off a cliff.
Yeah.
It was epic.
Like whoever, like the stunts on this are amazing.
It's always Jackie Chan here.
I love practical stunts.
Get away from the plot and just watch it for the stunts
and the comedy, the stunts and the comedies.
The stunts and the comedies.
There's not a single frame of CGI in this, I feel.
You know what I'm talking about?
Like, this is all.
Some of the sharks.
I'm guessing the sharks are probably CGI.
The sharks that they keep right next to the seal tank
were very cleverly.
Also, there's just randomly a koala in his room.
Oh, that was awesome.
I'm like, does that count as a stunt?
Because from what I understand, koalas are fucking mean.
Yeah.
Are they really?
As a kid they're called drop bears in Australia.
Yeah, fucking drop down fucked you up.
As a kid that scene.
Drop bears, I like that.
Drop bear.
That scene made me want to go to Australia, sadly.
Oh, the koala in the room.
I was like, I want to go to Australia now.
Like, that seems cool.
Like, it seems friendly.
He's so cute.
It seems friendly, you know.
But then you find out in reality they're not friendly at all.
And then that guy, the main guy, the son
that everyone thinks is dead,
he shows up dressed as fucking Asian domer.
Oh, you mean the blonde wig?
Yeah.
I'm gonna put Asian, the bad dude?
I don't know.
And blonde wig is the funniest thing
I've ever seen in my fucking life.
Oh, shark girl is hot, where's lava boy?
I don't care about anything else in this movie
except for that koala.
I would take a bullet for that cute ass thing
is what I wrote.
Jackie under the ice was very funny.
Sea lion, that was a fun scene.
I really liked it.
I liked that they had a Sea World trainer show moment
after where he goes bye bye and then the thing waves
and then he, it's like so fucking stupid.
It's like they had a trained sea lion on set
and they were like, well what else can we do?
That's what, okay, so this is,
if you think about this as a police story four
as opposed to Jackie Chan's first strike,
that makes more sense because it's like,
we've seen police story do so many things
over the last three movies.
Like it would, like if you saw James Bond,
what's, if you saw like a goofy James Bond movie,
you would expect him to have like a little high five
with the sea lion on the way out.
You know what I'm talking about like that?
It just kind of makes sense.
It's like a, it's a weird choice for an on its own movie.
It's a solid choice for a part four of a franchise movie
is what I'm saying.
I, okay, you watch the first Fast and Furious movie,
they go to space?
No, if you watched Fast and Furious one
and at some point Paul Walker and Vin Diesel
have to go to space for some fucking reason,
I don't buy it.
You put it 10 movies in?
Why not?
Yeah, fuck it, why not?
I don't give a shit.
You underestimate the power of family, dude.
Yeah.
And in this you underestimate the power of Chandley.
That guy shows up and makes them like get out of the car
and then strip down to Kuala.
Oh, yep.
And then he makes them take those off.
I thought he was gonna like take them and like kill them.
But like imagine if he succeeded in killing Jackie Chan.
They go search the car, they're like,
oh my God, he must be dead.
And then they pick up the Kuala underwear
and gig I think as well.
I think you didn't need that much Kuala to cover up
the Jackie Chan's.
I'm just saying.
I did put it was very funny, the Jackie,
naked Jackie, I love it.
I like that they then immediately go,
we have to go somewhere quiet and private.
So let's just go to this kangaroo zoo, I guess.
Three or four wild ass little kangaroos in front of them.
A whole fenced off area of hundreds of kangaroos.
Am I wrong?
There was a shitload of just kangaroos, right?
Yeah, but this movie does that.
It does that thing.
How they go everywhere.
They go everywhere in like 36 hours.
Well, it's great.
It's a police story.
That's what I'm saying.
As a franchise, I could see in China,
this playing out like you watch the trailer
and it's just like, you love from the creators,
police story one through three,
your favorite cop is back.
And this time he's going international.
And it shows him in Ukraine
and it shows them in fucking Australia
and it shows them wherever.
There's literally Jackie Chan holding a Kuala bear
is why half of the Chinese population
went to go see police story four in theaters.
That's why this movie made $10 billion.
You always hear about how the Chinese education system
is so good, but if they think you can travel the world
in 36 hours.
Well, wait, technically, if you just hopped on,
no, you could go, no, you can take-
Not in a submarine.
You can't do this.
You cannot do what's in this movie.
I like how they landed from a helicopter to a submarine
to a boat's going to take them into town.
Yeah, I love it.
It's almost like if Jackie Chan did a move,
like did around the world in 80 days or something.
Yeah, in three days.
In three days.
Every time he gets to a big choreographed-
In three days.
Fight scene.
Every time he gets to a big choreographed fight scene,
you kind of forget all the ridiculousness of everything else.
Oh, immediately.
Like, this is why we're here.
This is why we're here.
Immediately, cause then it's like-
That doesn't make it less enjoyable for sure.
No, for sure, but this is police story four.
The whole rooftop chase.
Yeah, I literally put big goon fight,
finally a good fight scene, sort of,
because he doesn't really fight them.
It's more of a really good runaway scene.
And he has another really good runaway scene later too.
He ruined those people's relationships,
those ladies taking up-
Yeah, oh my God, I wrote that down.
LOL, the husband asking who Jackie is.
Jackie ruined their fucking marriage is what I wrote down.
And then I also-
Done, because okay, if you're listening,
if you didn't see, if you haven't seen in a while,
Jackie Chan does the typical,
all right, I'm hanging off the side of a building.
I need to go through this window or whatever.
There's a woman in a bathtub.
She gets out, no titties, sorry Mike, this is for families.
And she, he, what does he say, I'm the decorator?
Yeah, I'm the laundry guy.
I'm the laundry guy.
She's like, who are you?
I'm the laundry guy.
He takes the jacket and I wrote Jacket Jan.
Jacket Jan.
Jacking jacket, Jackie Jacking Jacket Jan.
So he, and then on the way out,
the husband comes in, who the hell are you?
Wait, what, it's Australian.
Who the hell are you, mate?
And he goes, I'm the laundry guy.
The laundry guy, Karen!
And I like turns to her, yeah.
Beats her, beats her ass.
LOL, war!
So okay, realistically, if you're that man,
let's just be for a second.
Let's all be that Australian man.
Let's say, I guess he was coming home from work.
That's not the vibe I got.
The vibe I got is like he was going
from like the kitchen into the hallway.
So let's assume you're in your apartment.
You've been in your apartment now for several hours.
Your wife has taken a bath.
You're in the kitchen getting something to eat.
You then hear a commotion.
Your wife is startled.
She comes out in her towel.
Then you see a fully dressed Asian man
running out of your fucking,
you go, who the fuck are you?
And he goes, I'm the laundry guy.
I wouldn't then accuse my wife of cheating.
Not my first move.
I would, jokingly.
And I would tease her about it for the rest of her life.
I would, well, because of course she'd be like,
no, they came in through the window, right?
And I would believe her because I'd be like, wow,
it's a weird move to try to cheat on me
while you're in the house.
And I'm home.
I'm home and the guy's fully clothed.
Like weird move, Karen,
but I guess if that's how you wanna do it,
I'll go fuck your sister, I guess.
You know, like when we're at your next family reunion
on the table, I guess.
I don't know, what are we doing, Karen?
Nah, then those goons came in and just murder both of them.
Oh yeah, they came out, no witnesses.
Just snap, snap.
Fucking raped their corpses.
This movie's dark when Jackie's not around.
Jackie just leaves a trail of fucking destruction
in his wake.
That's the real police story legacy.
It's all these countries Jackie visits.
He just fucking ruins.
That ski resort that he fucked up with his snowmobile
or whatever, all the damages he caused.
All those people lost their jobs.
All of them lost their jobs.
The guy that owned that ski resort had to sell it
to the Chinese government.
Why were there signs at the ski resort that says,
we'll fucking shoot you if you come over here?
It's just for kids.
Just for kids, I forgot about that.
Children with murder.
Hey, I've got a sign that says I'm gonna get shot
if I go through here.
No, just tell them to go through.
It's just for children.
Yeah, that means that, okay, if you...
If you're over four feet tall, you don't get shot.
But there's one month, there's a sick, sick motherfucker
out there.
There's just sharp shooters out there.
There's a guy at the ski resort that's like,
if you see any fucking kids, shoot them.
You see any adults, it's fine.
It's a private property.
There's a group of gentlemen.
They're legally allowed to shoot anyone that trespasses.
I guess technically we're not allowed to tell them
that they're allowed to discriminate who they shoot.
So they've taken upon themselves to only kill children.
We put up signages.
I don't know what you want.
Like, this is the world we live in.
We warned them.
Welcome to Ukraine.
Okay, so then it goes to, oh, the homeless scene
where he has to spend the night.
And he's in that little cubby.
That guy goes, get the fuck out of my cubby.
How about this one?
Is this free?
Yeah, the guy's on vacation.
And he falls asleep in there.
It's pretty funny.
Then they have a really good fight in the museum dojo.
Oh, with Asian John Wick?
Yeah, what is that place?
Museum, dojo, warehouse?
Is it though?
Hideaway.
It's a hideout, yeah.
Is it though?
They were like a gang.
No, no, no, guys, I really want you to like-
They're like an Asian gang.
No, I get that they're an Asian gang.
Maybe it was their sweatshop, I don't know.
The kids were just off that day.
I think-
That's gay.
If this is their sweatshop, no, no,
because like, seriously.
Oh, wait, oh, no, copyright.
Ah, copyright, all right.
Just real quick, this-
The stilt scene was great.
Oh yeah, the fucking stilt scene.
Just kicked the two guys, that was awesome.
Is it this?
No, it's after this.
Okay.
This whole fucking, all right.
Where is this?
Please tell me.
Their house.
Okay, no, look, that's a huge property, right?
There's horses of shit.
There's like, this is, see, okay, it's got a sign,
but it's not telling us what it is.
It's got huge, big double doors that you open up.
There's a Chinese dragon strewn apart.
The sign might-
There's chairs everywhere.
I might tell you what it is, we just can't read.
We can't.
This looks like a, okay, it looks like a convention hall.
Like a-
Yeah, it looks like maybe they're getting ready
for something. A banquet hall.
This is something you would rent out for Chinese parties.
They're planning the wake for the, you know,
soon to be here.
Got it, and they're counting all their money out?
Like, so, that's what's throwing me off,
is like, this looks like a-
Open door with the money on the table.
Yeah.
Hi, we'd like to rent out hall B for a gang meeting.
A money laundering operation.
A money laundering operation, please.
Oh, you'd like the Chinese dragon room, okay?
That's perfect for these sort of illicit affairs.
Like several ladders and weapons strewn about.
Yeah.
The mop head, don't please.
Some cranes in the background, would be nice.
And then just some random fucking dude in the background.
I don't think he fights Jackie.
He's the accountant, he's like,
I think he's like, why do I do this?
This guy's not gonna come fight Jackie.
My daughter needs to go to school,
I gotta keep doing this.
Why couldn't I just be a straight, regular accountant?
Why do I gotta work for the mob?
Why'd I have to say yes?
My wife's friend?
I don't know, it doesn't matter, all right.
That's the dude from Ozark.
He's trying to figure out that whole sign
and you crane thing for the kids.
Yeah.
He's the sign maker.
So, we get a very cool fight, iconic, the ladder fight.
I think this is the one that stuck out of my head.
I remember once he got put in the yellow suit.
Black and yellow.
Black and yellow, and then once he picked up that ladder,
I was like, yeah, I have seen this as a kid.
I remember this now.
I say that, but then he's probably wearing,
you know what, now that I think about it,
I think he replicates that scene in another movie.
I think he puts on yellow and black,
and I think he fights a group of people with a ladder,
and I think he does it as an homage to Police Story 4.
I don't know, is it Who Am I?
I don't remember.
I remember that.
Another sequel, Police Story 5 by Fred Rezmock.
Well, I wouldn't do a Police Story 5.
I would do a Police Story 4, First Strike 2.
There we go.
So.
Oh, and the subtitle, the subtitle is Super Cops.
Super Cops.
Because then I would want a Police Story 4,
First Strike 2, Super Cops 2.
Yeah, they should have just added an S
when he went to the buddy comedies later.
They should have just added an S.
Should have been Super Cops.
Everybody should do that.
If you're listening and you're a movie producer,
follow what Alien did, because Alien, the first one,
and then Aliens, the second one,
is the smartest fucking titles ever.
You know what's the dumbest fucking title ever?
You know what the dumbest sequel title of all fucking time
is?
They come out with a movie called Now You See Me,
and then you know what they don't call the second one?
Now you don't.
You know what they call it?
Now You See Me 2.
Who the fuck came up with that bullshit?
That wasn't magical.
The magic was ruined with that.
Like, stupid.
And Aliens is still doing it.
Yeah.
Maybe someone trademarked that name
and just didn't do anything with it.
The new one that's coming out next year or whatever
is still Aliens.
That's coming out in a couple weeks.
Oh, whatever.
You know Nick Swartz's website is nickswartzson.net,
and that's because somebody took nickswartzson.com
and they're not doing anything with it?
That's cool.
He probably didn't offer enough money for it.
You can probably get it from him for like $30.
I'll give you a, yeah.
Don't steal our website.
I think we've got both comment in it.
So we have the Museum Dojo Conference Hall B fight.
We have the Iconic Ladder fight.
And then yeah, Chinese funerals in Australia
sure are weird looking.
They're lit.
They're fucking lit, bro.
Like hey, Australia, do you happen to have a bunch
of Chinese dragons, a bunch of Chinese decorations?
Great, do you have stilts?
You got a lot of stilts?
We need stilts.
What's that?
White umbrellas.
White umbrellas, perfect.
So we have a bunch of weird fucking scenes.
It looks like a circuit delay, what's it called?
Cirque de Soleil.
I call that scene the Chinese standoff
because that's exactly what it is.
There's so much China around you
and there is a standoff with hostages and shit.
Oh, I thought you were calling it a standoff
because he's standing on the stilts.
Another reason why it's a Chinese standoff?
He literally kicks a motherfucker on a second story balcony
with his stilt kick, amazing.
I just put stilt kick, so good.
Then there's a bunch of snipers on the roof
and he's talking to the Asian guy that wore the wig
or he's talking to the Russian dudes.
Anyway, there's a bunch of guns trained on him
and he somehow got everyone together previously
and is like, when I give you no signal whatsoever,
I need you guys to just be ready
to block bullets with your umbrellas.
And people are like, what, what was that?
No, no, I just, no, no, just,
I need you guys to open up your umbrellas.
But why?
Because.
Bulletproof umbrellas, you know?
No, that's what it'd be funny.
It's like, why are we gonna do this, Jackie?
We'll follow you into the ends of earth.
Your police story for Jackie Chan.
Put these stilts on.
Yeah, put these stilts, stilted Jackie just walks over
to him hovering above them and he says,
I need you guys to just, when I wink at you or whatever.
And then, yeah, bulletproof umbrellas.
There's, yeah.
If those guys just opened up fire, right?
Is the blonde haired Asian guy,
I know he's not blonde at this point,
but I can't ever not see him with that fucking
Dr. Wig, Dr. Costume.
Is he the bad guy?
No.
I still don't know what the fuck is happening.
I know that Jackie Chan followed a Ukrainian woman around.
She peed seven times on an airplane.
And then I know that the Australian government,
with help of Russia, with the okay of the Chinese government,
allowed Jackie to go to Australia
where he meets Shark Girl and Lava Boy.
And her dad is someone.
And he lies to her and says, and then he goes, I'm a cop.
And the dad dies a little bit later.
I think Asian Dahmer had the uranium core
for some kind of nuclear missile or whatever.
And-
I must have missed all that.
He wanted the money.
Everyone thinks Jackie Chan killed him,
but he's just been hiding, disguised as Jeffrey Dahmer.
Yeah.
After that fight scene at the museum hall, B, whatever,
they all thought that he killed him.
And then he's like, wait until the fight's over
to be like, hey, he didn't kill me.
I think the best-
Well, it was the dad.
Yeah.
I think the best analogy though is what you said earlier
about Fast and the Furious.
That's what this is.
It's just Fast and the Furious.
It's just, the plot doesn't matter.
Yeah, and trust me, as an avid police story fan,
because look, I'll watch police story.
I watch police story one every,
when I wake up every morning.
And if I don't get through super cops too,
by the time I go to bed at night,
I haven't done my day's service.
You know what I'm talking about?
I live by the Chan and die by the Chan.
I don't care.
But anything else?
The news report after the whole fiasco
at the Chinatown, whatever,
she says, this is marking the biggest gang war
in Chinatown in Australia.
And I'm like, wait, there's other gang wars in Chinatown?
Always gang wars in Chinatown.
You know, just going back real quick
on the fact that I watched nothing but Jack Chan movies.
I wanna give you one guess
what I like to watch at lunchtime.
Shanghai Noon.
And then when I get ready to go to bed,
I watch Shanghai Nights.
And then when I really, really wanna get introspective.
It's actually police story five and six.
They are.
Yeah.
When you're stuck in traffic, do you watch Rush Hour?
Yeah, I do.
When I'm feeling introspective, I watch Who Am I?
When I'm in New York, it's Rumble in the Bronx.
And then when I'm...
Drinking Drunken Master.
Yeah.
Drunken Master 2, one, four.
And then when I'm going to a formal occasion,
I'm the tuxedo.
Forgot about that one.
Or...
Kung Fu Panda, I don't know.
I blocked out Around the World in 80 Days.
Yeah, that's what I said earlier.
That movie was a race for my brain.
Remember that one?
He did Around the World in 80 Days.
Oh God, I don't even think I watched that one.
Yeah, that was such a bad movie.
I mean, we love you, Jackie.
I wish we did more stuff.
Well, real quick, who's better, Jackie or Jet Li?
I would say I like Jackie way more.
Jackie's way more likeable.
But Jet Li, I think, is a better martial artist.
He can do more serious stuff, too.
Was it any of The Matrix?
No.
Was that not him?
You were thinking of The One.
Yeah, Jet Li.
Jet Li has more serious movies.
That's the one with Sean William Scott, wasn't it?
He's The One?
No.
Jet Li?
Yeah, I think that was the medallion.
You're thinking, okay, wow, racist motherfucker.
You're thinking Bulletproof Monk.
But that was Donnie Yen?
No, that's Chao Young Phat.
So Chao Young Phat is...
Chao Young Phat is...
Sorry, I'm not up to date with my martial artist movies.
Hold on, real quick.
And I'm sorry that somehow that is all in your head.
He's not looking any of that up.
Some of us don't watch the police fucking franchise,
police story franchise when they wake up.
I don't watch it.
No wonder we're not getting anything
uploaded to YouTube, dude.
I live it.
Watch a fucking police story all day.
It's police story one.
And every other kung fu movie ever made.
Police story two, and then police story three, first strike.
Then I watch police story four, super cop.
And then at some point, Operation Condor,
just for a break.
But anyway.
Then we get to the, what is it?
Toxic spiky things.
Oh, yeah.
The sea urchins.
The sea urchins, that's what they are called.
Okay, I wrote it down, but then I was unsure.
Spiky things.
Yeah, I didn't know what the edges,
I was gonna put sea urchins,
but I didn't know if they were,
and I wanna sound like an idiot.
So I wrote toxic spiky things instead,
which makes me sound like a career biologist
or marine biologist.
But that was funny where he kicks Jackie into that toxic.
Where the fuck are they?
Where there's a bathtub full of just toxic,
another sign for the children.
Toxic, do not go into this water.
Toxic.
He kicks Jackie in, Jackie gets a couple stuck to his butt,
he's sort of like, whatever.
And then you get the most,
this guy's been waiting his whole life for this moment.
The actor, for police story four,
he falls in there and they're like,
we need you to act like you're high on sea urchin.
He fucking delivers.
He overacts the fucking shit out of the fact that he's high.
Is that just me or am I wrong?
Should there have been like birds
flying or tweeting around his head?
It felt cartoonish.
It felt super cartoonish, but again.
Basically slapstick.
Jackie Chan.
Yeah, my.
Basically slapstick.
It's basically slapstick.
Bing, bing, bing, bing.
And then the underwater scene is awesome,
but did that shark just burp?
Are you fucking kidding me?
The shark.
As I said, I love the sound effects of the fight,
the underwater fight, the punching sound effects.
I like the shark that is presumably sort of in a like a cave
that he siren calls a fucking scuba diver man or whatever.
Into his cave.
And then it cuts to the perspective of the shark.
You hear a burp.
Yeah.
And then the shark knows to spit out the scuba gear,
but eat the rest of the guy.
He one gulped this man and then spit out the.
Oh, their shark physics are about as good
as the space physics from space truckers.
There's no security at this fucking zoo.
Yeah.
I mean, it's like a
space truckers there's no security at this fucking zoo.
That sea lion.
The fuck are you talking about?
The sea lion stops people from going into the shark.
It's for the kids.
Shark tank for kids.
This is the most dangerous.
Australia is fucking wild.
There should have been a scene with like a giant spider
that he finds like just running away from people.
And he throws it at him or something.
I can just totally see it.
Like the web's getting in his hair and he's flipping out
and there's a spider on him.
And oh yeah, Jackie would sell this shit out.
It's such a good scene where like,
if he's trying to like find somewhere
and he's talking to an Australian guy
and he can't understand what they're saying.
Oh, that'd be so good.
He's at the Macoss.
The what?
You know about the servo.
What?
I don't understand what you're telling me.
They just don't understand each other,
which would be just fucking great.
The koala should have made more appearances.
I think.
Oh, what was in that pink CO2 container?
Why was it so important?
Why was everyone fighting for it at the end?
It's the uranium core for the missile.
What missile?
The missile.
Did they show a fucking missile at some point?
This is why you shouldn't watch at 1.5 speed
or two times speed.
Listen, listen.
Missile lot.
I didn't miss anything.
Missile.
You know, you missed most of the plot.
No, I know the plot.
It's Police Story 4.
You know I watch everything we're supposed to watch,
like the night we record,
or if not, then I pick up the rest of it on Sunday.
Oh, that's great.
I'm the opposite.
At full speed.
I watch the night before. At normal speed.
I watched some of Police Story 4 on the way here
from California this morning.
I was like, maybe the part where they were talking
about missiles, and then I realized,
I can't watch a Jackie Chan.
I have to actually watch a Jackie Chan movie
because it's all physical.
I can't just listen to a Jackie Chan movie.
Can you imagine that scene?
That car accident?
And he's just blah, like hanging out the side
of his fucking Jackie Chan.
Only thing in the corner is just Jackie Chan.
It's just hand sanitizer everywhere.
And like, Clearman's cheese spread all over his face.
I did buy some.
And then there's just the Police Story 4 movie
just playing on a phone like 30 yards away.
So that's actually, that's a great point.
I've always had this morbid thought.
So if you were to get into a car accident and die,
with modern technology, I bet if they can pinpoint
the time you died, they can pinpoint it,
and know that the music was playing while you were dying.
Let's just say it's one of those car accidents
where the music is still playing and you die.
You could reverse, like look at the phone,
look at whatever, if you had the present mind
to be like, the presence of mind or whatever
to take note of it.
Find out exactly what a person would be,
what the song they were listening to
when they died would be.
They do do that because they found a couple,
like a couple of the Tesla accidents have known
they were watching a movie when they died
and so the insurance didn't pay off.
Okay, but I wouldn't want to know.
You have your watch history on YouTube,
you can go to someone's Spotify
and see what they're listening to right now.
Okay, but I wonder if you could pinpoint exactly
where they were in the movie when they died.
Yes, it'll show the time.
Oh yeah, he was driving, he was going 95,
he was eating clearments, and it was that one part
of that song, doot and doot and doot do.
Ah!
That's when he crashed, head first, into a semi.
Yes, they can recreate to that level, yes.
Wait, what were you just seeing?
It also would depend on what you were driving.
Now that's a Tesla or your car has a computer
and it'll pinpoint exactly, but older cars,
my car will tell, yours maybe not,
but in the last 10 years, the cars all have computers
that track speed, distance, all that stuff.
They can match that with your phone.
Traveling 88 miles an hour watching Back to the Future.
I want to.
It could be.
That'd be a fun one.
Yeah.
That's a fun one, so if you are gonna suicide by car.
Go 88 in one.
Go 88 into a wall watching Back to the Future.
That'd be a fun one.
I'm gonna contract diabetes and then hang myself
with a nerd rope is what I'm gonna do.
Ooh, that's.
Either that or have a home alone set up
and then call the cops and say I'm gonna kill myself.
I.
To get tarned feathers.
Oh, that's funny, but it can't be dangerous.
You don't want to hurt the police.
No, just tarned feathering.
Not like actual home alone where you're trying
to kill those people.
Not heating up doorknobs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Paint buckets swinging down.
I think if I were to do a suicide,
I would disguise it as something accidental.
Like I would choke myself with some food
while driving in the middle of the desert
while no one's around to help.
And then people would just think,
oh, nothing to do about it.
Oh, I always figure we're gonna find you
like Robin Williams once had.
No, I can't do it.
I don't want a violent suicide
because I wouldn't want people to have to clean up.
I'd want it to be all taken care of.
Everything boxed up, ready to go, people's names.
Everyone gets an individual suicide video.
If I was gonna do a violent one,
it would be like all the forms of suicide
you could commit all at once.
You know what I mean?
I would go somewhere public, tie a noose around my neck,
swallow pills and alcohol, have a bomb strapped to me,
light myself on fire, shoot myself in the head.
Well, okay, so.
Fall, swing, blow up, boom.
So I don't know if this is real or not,
but I read in the Darwin's Award book or whatever
that someone did just that.
So they wanted to make sure that they died.
And so they went to a cliff.
They hung themselves off the cliff after take,
so they ingested a bunch of pills,
put a noose around their neck,
hung themselves off of a, hanging over a cliff,
and then while they were choking, shot their gun,
which shot through the rope.
And they flew and they landed down into the water
underneath where the cliff was, survived the fall.
The water, it caused them to throw up all of the pills,
and then they landed on the shore
and then died of exhaustion.
So.
You died every way possible.
Yeah.
I saw one of the coolest ways in a movie,
which I think would really get it done,
which is you find a cliff that you can drive off of,
but it has to have a tree nearby.
And what you do is you smash out your back window
of your car, you tie a rope around the tree,
and then you try, then you put the rope
through your back seat of your car
and you tie the other rope around your neck,
and then you drive off the cliff.
So when the rope finally tightens up,
it just fucking straight decapitates you,
or at the, you know, whatever.
But look, no one ever has to do that to themselves
because you might miss Police Story 5.
You might miss Police Story 5.
Yeah, I mean, I don't think-
How did Police Story get so dark?
I don't know.
How did this become A Thousand Ways to Die?
I don't know.
I'm not advocating that you kill yourself.
I don't know your story.
It wasn't a thousand ways.
It was several ways to die at once.
Yeah, it was.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, we're not advocating you kill yourself.
We don't know who you are.
But hey, if you're a piece of shit,
yeah, kill yourself, what the fuck?
Like yeah, if you're a real bad person,
if you're out there abusing your girlfriend every day,
if you've ever molested a child,
if you fucking deal hard drugs,
yeah, go fucking kill yourself, you piece of shit.
No one wants you on this earth.
You suck.
You're the worst.
Yeah, all those feelings that you feel
about how nobody loves you
and that you're fucking scum to this earth, you are.
You are that guy.
Did you just hit your wife earlier this week?
You fucking scumbag.
You think you won't do it again?
You fucking will, you piece of shit.
Go fucking crash into a wall at 80-mate miles an hour
watching Back to the Future.
At least we can get some laughs out of your fucking
pathetic life, you piece of shit.
Yeah.
All right, so.
Lay out, so we didn't find out,
oh, it was the uranium cores in the pink thing.
All right.
Yeah.
It was like, I'm bad at writing.
We get the big fun fight scene.
Nice transition.
And then, literally, the most police story ending
you can get, now that I think of this as a franchise,
it just cuts back to his captain going,
you did it again, Jackie.
Jack's like, all right, till next time.
And then we get bloopers, which is the only reason
anybody ever comes to one of these fucking movies
in the first place.
It's like, they were the MCU before anybody else was.
People staying in the theater.
That, back in 1996, when this movie came out,
if you went into one of those Chinese theaters,
you know that there's a group that got up
and started walking away before the bloopers started.
Even they start writing that in there.
Just, like, if there was maybe 10 seconds of black screen,
they're like standing up, and everyone else in the theater's
going, you fucking morons.
Don't you?
You never been to a-
Just did that yesterday.
Yeah, exactly.
Just did that yesterday.
I'm looking around, I cannot believe anyone is leaving.
Insane.
Everybody left?
Not everybody, but about half.
Wow.
Deadpool Wolverine, who the fuck gets,
who the fuck leaves before the credits?
The end credit scene usually ends up on YouTube
pretty quick, so that, I mean, I guess that could be why
they just got it there, like, okay, I sat here
for however long, I hate the bathroom.
I'm not sure when it released on-
Thursday.
Thursday, at three o'clock for me, that's when I saw it.
And yeah, there was like, there was credits scene,
and then the end credits scene,
nobody batted an eye, nothing.
Everyone sat right there, like,
as if the movie was still playing a crucial point.
Yeah, so you had actual fans, like, good fans.
Well, yeah, opening day, he's opening day,
which is like, yeah.
Well, I will say, if you pay attention to the credits,
there's a few Easter eggs.
Oh, like in-
Actual physical, in the credits.
In the credits, yeah.
In the credits.
So, I don't know.
So when you are waiting for your,
I'll say this, if you haven't seen it yet,
which is, this is gonna be a couple weeks,
you probably already have, but at least for Brennan,
when you go to see it, just pay, I mean, there's some.
I'm not saying you have to glue your eyes to it,
but there's some.
Yeah, okay, so, Jackie Chan's First Strike,
Police Story 4, I mean, let's review this thing.
Or let's give it some, let's.
Is that what we were doing already?
We were, no, I mean, let's give it a grade, I guess.
I'll go first, just cause I, now I was,
honestly, it was a D.
I put a C, that I thought at the time, I was like,
oh yeah, here at Fried Rice Podcast, by the way,
we have a different rating system than most podcasts,
or most anybody, anyone really rational,
who does this for a living,
who gives a shit about audience participation,
who cares about you, would do this differently.
But we have our own piece of shit system,
which where we start at B,
and then we go to through F.
So B through F, we're skipping E.
I feel like I need to point that out,
because we added W, and we got rid of A.
So, just like the police story naming, police story names,
we don't give a fuck about how you're gonna,
how you're gonna Google this.
What it's gonna mean for every movie,
all the greatest movies we watch are having B ratings.
And some of the worst ones have As for some reason.
Or M for Masterpiece.
What do you mean by, what do you mean by the worst ones?
S tier, A, Masterpiece.
First off, the A is only being given out to one movie,
and that movie was deservedly an A movie.
And that was 2010's King of the Avenue,
starring Little Dicky, or whatever the fuck his name was
from Little Dirt, whatever, no not Little Dirt.
Dirt Nasty. Dirt Nasty.
Put some respect on his name,
I tagged him in that episode.
This movie, in my opinion, gets a C plus,
because it's, I'm judging it purely on it being
another part of the police story franchise.
On any other metric, it's a D Jackie Chan movie,
not my favorite, not like by any stretch of the imagination.
But another police story fits right in,
and it's perfect for that.
So yeah, I'd say 3.5 Sea Lion Slaps,
3 out of 5 Sea Lion Slaps.
All right, I just went solid C minus,
it wasn't anything really special,
but it wasn't necessarily bad,
it was a lot of the silliness made it good,
and it also had some good fighting scenes,
runaway scenes, and action and whatnot.
Didn't care for the story too much,
so I just went C minus, which is what,
three pairs of koala underwear.
Okay, I like that.
I pretty much am in agreement with everybody.
It's just, it's his James Bond take, basically.
Shows throughout it.
Even the music is James Bond.
Can you say it's basically James Bond?
It's basically slapstick James Bond.
I need all of your reviews to start with,
it's basically, every sentence is just,
it's basically James Bond,
and it's basically how I feel about this is,
I don't even need it to make sense grammatically.
You know, when you finally do your Ted Cruz impersonations,
I figured out how you can do the voice right,
just act like you're imitating Mike.
When I see you morph into Ted Cruz,
you mimic Mike.
Damn right, how do I?
Wear a suit and mimic Mike.
I'm basically Ted Cruz.
Welcome to Texas, I'm basically Ted Cruz,
and I basically run this country.
I'm gonna basically throw basically in there the whole time.
Yeah.
Why is he doing basic,
does Ted Cruz say basically a lot?
No, my friend Mike does.
What does that have to do with Ted Cruz?
Don't worry about it.
But I'd say I'm a C plus.
I look at it kinda like I look at Fast and Furious.
It's just, it's what it is.
Three and a, all Jackie,
actually I look at all Jackie Chan movies.
So three and a half Bruce Stunt and RSC plus.
Yeah, this one is definitely,
got some nostalgia, I enjoyed it as a kid.
But yeah, it's definitely,
again, one of those turn your brain off,
just watch the movie to enjoy the scenes
and the choreography of the fights and all that fun stuff.
You know, you like picking a lot of turn your brain.
That's like the fourth time you said turn your brain off.
You turn your brain off a lot, dude.
They kinda need a break sometimes.
Yeah, that's true.
That's what movies are for.
Break from reality, break from thinking.
But I don't know.
Not always.
Movies are a labor intensive thought process thing
that just, they're not fun to watch.
You have to watch them and pick apart
every little fucking thing.
If you're autistic enough.
And if you watch it and you have to force yourself
to get the suspense of disbelief
so that you're not watching the camera movements
and what the director's making things go
and the set design and costume choices and acting choices
and all the fucking little things that you have to forget
are a movie in order to follow a storyline
that oftentimes doesn't make a lot of sense.
So no, movies are not fun.
You can't just turn your brain off, Brandon.
You have to pay attention.
And.
Okay, but I mean by turn your brain off
is like just kind of focus on the movie
and just not really even think about
the behind the scenes stuff.
Like don't think about reality.
Just think about the movie.
So hard.
That's the most difficult thing about watching movies,
about watching anything.
I get, you know what I think the longer the thing is
that I'm watching, the harder it is for me to stay in it.
So I think that's why TV shows a lot of time I fall off
because like I'll watch even the boys,
but at some point I.
You start seeing the choices.
I start seeing the behind the,
I start seeing the seams, the lines, the cracks or whatever.
Not that there's anything wrong with the story.
But the moment I see bad CGI, even a little bit,
it takes me so far out of the fucking like movie
that I have to like force myself
to maybe get back into it.
It's tough.
So, okay.
So sometimes, yeah, I'm glad,
but yeah, you can pick.
If I want to think or movie, I'll pick a thinker movie,
but this is definitely not a thinker movie.
This is a movie.
Just turn on and just background noise.
You can pay attention to it.
You can't, you don't have to watch the whole thing.
You could tune in and out.
If you miss the missiles, no big deal.
Yeah, like Andy didn't know the Russian was the bad guy.
You know.
Well, look, you can watch the movie at any speed.
Yeah.
At any speed.
What was it?
RGB that they call themselves.
Yeah, instead of the KGB.
Yeah.
Like it's something silly like that.
RGB.
He was the bad guy.
Who's the one, Ruth Bader Ginsburg?
Yeah.
The notorious RBG.
Yeah.
The notorious RBG.
Yeah.
But I give it a solid C.
Nice.
All right, so C, C minus.
C plus.
Oh, C plus, C plus, C minus, C?
C, C.
That's a solid fucking C movie, if I've ever seen it.
Yeah, so fuck, yeah.
Jackie Chan's first strike, police story four,
gets a C.
Now, who the fuck wasn't this week's movie?
What?
Who's picking?
It's your movie.
It's not my movie.
We just had this discussion the other day.
Yeah, it was.
I just picked.
You're after me.
You just picked, so it goes to you, Mike,
and then it goes to Andy, then it goes to me, then Andy.
I asked you.
I asked you this on Thursday.
Hold on one second.
One second.
And you told me it was not me.
We're gonna, wait, we'll be right back.
I'm gonna pause this.
I'm so sorry, everybody at home.
Just one sec.
And we're back.
Sorry about that, everybody.
I don't even know what we're gonna put.
We'll put something in there.
It'll be fun.
Hey, man, have you ever heard of Fried Rice Pockets?
Yeah.
Those Pockets are by Bell Ringers.
Brought to you by Bell Ringers.
So yeah, Mike, it's your choice,
which you knew this whole time.
What movie did you decide to pick?
I have decided on 1989's original, Batman.
Wow.
Is that the one with Michael Keaton?
Yeah.
Wait, what movie?
White Noise.
Batman.
Wait, wait.
Batman.
We're such bad actors.
It's Batman.
Could you tell that we all heard for the first time
right now organically that he told us Batman?
Was that the one with Michael Keaton?
What movie did you say?
God, we suck.
Yeah, so fucking Batman, hell yeah.
Yeah, it's gonna be a good one.
I mean, it sucks that our rating system
only goes up to B, but here we go.
B for Batman.
That's great.
All right, perfect.
So.
Wait, say B for Batman again?
B for Batman.
Sound like Cookie Monster.
B for Batman.
I sound like Cookie Monster probably a lot
when I'm at home alone,
because I'll just go, mm, no, I do Robin.
Do Cookie Monster doing Batman doing Michael Larson?
Basically Batman.
It's basically just Batman.
It's basically Batman.
I am, I am the knight.
It sounds like Sling Blade.
This man thing.
I can't.
This man thing.
Now it's Sling Blade.
Michael Larson.
I can't do the Cookie Monster's gun.
So it's Batman.
I'm so sorry, people at home.
Let's just forget everything I ever,
just forget it all.
Forget that ever happened.
Forget everything that ever existed.
All right, so Batman, perfect.
Here on the show, at the end, we like to,
we don't wanna just talk about just the one, you know,
our movie, we also wanna recommend other things
outside of that.
I lost my pen.
I'm not gonna remember what time this is,
if I don't write this down.
Recreational recommendations.
Beep boop, beep boop.
Beep boop.
It's funny, that's what I used to,
I wait for your little beep boop,
and then I throw it in,
It sounds fucking awesome.
The music I made, I'm so sorry.
It was so jarring right now.
I don't know how to really adjust the volume much.
But like, I know you were just listening to us being like,
whatever, then just, ah!
So fuck you.
Mike, what do you got?
Well, here's what we did this week.
When I got off work on Thursday, Wednesday,
so Thursday night, after a little recording session here,
we watched Deadpool 1.
Then we watched, went to dinner,
and then went back and watched Deadpool 2.
And then what do you suppose we did on Friday?
If you're in a loving relationship,
I would hope you fuck,
because you should always have as much sex as possible,
especially the older you get.
You're not gonna be able to get as much later on
when you get older.
But hopefully after you fuck, you watch Deadpool, Wolverine?
Deadpool 1. Deadpool.
My recommendation is that you go right now
if you haven't been, and if you have been,
go a second time.
And if you've been twice, go a third time.
I might go a second time, actually.
Yes, this movie is awesome.
I'm not gonna spoil anything,
but that's all I'm gonna say.
It's awesome.
Yeah, I mean, of course, the three of us have seen it.
Now Austin, he's giving it not an 11 out of 10, like Mike,
and I'm giving it a B plus on our scale.
But I mean, if you're going off anyone else's metric,
it's an A plus.
Well, let's wait until we record the episode.
We are, oh yeah, yeah.
Just if you want our thoughts about Deadpool, Wolverine,
listen to the episode that dropped like a week ago.
We'll have a short.
We're gonna have a little review about it,
so we'll talk about it then.
Austin?
So this is a book I just read.
It was from the Placentia Library,
which means it was from when I was in middle school,
and I never returned this book.
And I was like, all right, I'll read this.
And it's Ray Bradbury, The Martian Chronicles.
Oh, John Carter.
What?
John Carter, yeah.
Martian, no, The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury.
And it stars John Carter?
No, it's a book.
The book that was written that came out in 1950.
Am I wrong?
Yes.
I think.
Is this not about a Confederate soldier
who gets sent to Mars and becomes a super soldier out there?
No, no.
This is a.
I thought that was it, too.
Or maybe I'm thinking John Carter of Mars.
Is that what it's called?
No, that's the movie name, but I thought the book was.
No, this is the original,
one of the greatest sci-fi writers of all time,
Ray Bradbury's book.
It didn't even do Fahrenheit 451?
I'm sure there's been a million things named that,
but when there's The Martian,
there's Mission Impossible Mars, dude.
But.
Yeah, Ray Bradbury, he did Fahrenheit 451.
Okay.
It's a novel by him.
No, I mean, I believe you.
I found it.
Each chapter is like a different point in time.
It's like, it could be years, it could be a year,
it could be a few months,
and it's just all these different short stories,
but they're all connected.
Like, there's one where it's like,
they sent a ship, it never came back,
so they send another ship with four guys,
and there's Martians just hanging out, living there,
and they're like, hey, we built a rocket,
and we came here from Earth,
and the Martian just does not give a fuck.
Are they those little guys with those, they look like.
They didn't really describe what they looked like.
Well, they're brown with like gold eyes,
or whatever, or something.
But like, the Martians don't give a fuck
that they came all the way from Earth in a rocket ship.
And they're like, go to this guy, he might give a fuck.
And then they go to him, and he's like,
I don't give a fuck who sent you.
I'm gonna go kill that motherfucker.
And the Martian takes off.
So he's like, go to this town.
They'll appreciate.
All these guys want is for someone to say,
attaboy, thanks for coming to Mars,
and they're not finding that.
And they go to this little girl, he picks her up, he's like,
hey, we came all the way here on a fucking rocket from Earth.
Can we get a congratulations something?
Just give us some props.
She's like, yeah, go this way.
And they go to this guy, he's like, oh yeah,
we got a hall right here, it's a party.
Go on down there, we'll have your welcoming party.
And they go in there, and there's not much going on.
They're like, where are we?
And they're like, oh, this is an insane asylum.
And then, yeah, everyone thinks, nobody believes them.
Nobody believes that they're from Earth.
And then there's a psychologist Martian,
he's like, yeah, you guys are insane.
You guys are making up all this stuff.
And they're like, look, we have a fucking ship,
we'll take you to it.
And he's like, wow, you guys are so insane
that you manifested this fake rocket.
So now I'm gonna shoot you, and it'll disappear.
And he shoots one of the Earthling guys,
and he's like, wow, that's amazing,
it's all still here, all of you guys.
So he kills the rest of the three of them,
and they're all still there.
And he's like, wow, this is amazing how crazy they are.
Wow, that's nuts.
The ship is still here, their insanity is still.
So he sees the fucking spaceship,
and he goes, wow, you guys are so fucking crazy
that I'm even seeing the spaceship.
And then he kills all of them, and then he still sees it,
and he goes, that is some good craziness that you guys.
Yeah, and he starts shooting their bodies,
and he's like, oh my god, they're so crazy.
This is fucking crazy, you guys are fucking nuts.
Relos, you guys are so silly,
and he's just putting their faces
into bloody pulp against the floor.
And he's like, wow, they're crazy, and it's spread to me,
so now I'm crazy, and then it kills himself.
He's fucking their corpses, he's like,
you guys are so fucking silly, you silly little crazy,
you're just smashing, fucking going nuts.
And then he's like, oh, I guess I'm the crazy one now,
because their bodies are still here, the ship's still here,
and they're all dead, and then he kills himself.
Wow. And that's just one chapter.
Wow, in my mind, though, he looks like Marvin.
There's just no way. Who's Marvin?
Marvin the Martian. Oh, I'm the Martian, yeah.
I pictured a kind of skinny job of the hud,
the slug guy from- I was just thinking humans.
I was thinking- Was anyone else
just thinking humans?
Yeah. I was thinking brown skinned,
gold-eyed humans, human-like, human-like beings.
But there's a really dark one about,
so later in the book, everyone's settling on Mars,
so Mars is kind of like a gold rush kind of deal.
There's little settlements everywhere.
Sure. And then Earth goes to war,
so then everyone on Mars flies back to Earth,
except for a couple people, and there's this one guy,
and he was out in the mountains,
he didn't know what happened, and everyone's gone.
And he's trying to call numbers, and it's a chick,
and he's like, oh my God, there's only one woman
left on Mars, I have to go find her.
He finds her, it's a fat ugly bitch, so he runs away.
But yeah, everyone goes to Earth, Earth goes to war,
everyone on Earth dies, and then there's just a whole chapter
about an automatic house that's just operating,
like a smart house.
It's like making breakfast, it's cleaning the floors,
and then it describes outside, and there's just like,
radioactive shadows of the family
that got blown away outside,
and it's just this house just operating.
It's like a long drawn out version of,
you know how the Mars Rover sings itself
happy birthday every year?
It's like a long drawn out version of that,
but it's a house.
Oh, I didn't know that the Mars Rover sings
happy birthday to itself every year.
That's kind of creepy and sad.
Yeah.
That's weird, do we pay attention to it when it does?
Or is it just, or does it just shut everyone out,
and then it just plays, oh, it only plays
like the happy birthday tea noise.
Yeah, something.
Yeah, every chapter of this book is amazing.
It's all their own little self-contained stories,
but it's all connected, it's all in the same timeline.
It was like a collection that came out in 1950.
Short stories that are connected to each other.
Yeah, yeah, it's just going over time,
like, okay, August 2000, it starts in like 1999.
Nice.
And it goes to just past right now.
I think the last chapter is 2026 or something.
Did Prince want a party like it's 1999?
Yeah.
Okay, not Eddie Murphy.
In this universe,
Earth wanted to party all the time.
Earth got, Earth is like all weird and like super,
it kind of relates to now.
It's like they got rid of all books.
There's no books, there's no fantasy, nothing.
And there's a guy who was rich.
Ray Bradbury's got a theme going on with the,
he thinks that- Taking the books away, yeah.
He thinks the future of America is gonna take away books,
because he also wrote Fahrenheit 451,
which is about a group of,
about a guy whose job it is to burn books.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, so there's a guy, a rich guy,
he knows all the books and everything.
He brings a ship and builds this haunted house
where he's gonna have a haunted house party
with all the creatures and everything.
This is fucking insane.
And one of the Bookburner guys shows up.
And- Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah, and he-
Does Ray Bradbury have a fucking multi-verse?
What the fuck?
He brings him in the house,
and he sees all these haunted vampire robots,
and robot this, and fairies, and all this horror stuff.
And he's like, oh my God,
we're gonna destroy this entire house.
And he's like, I bet you will,
but come take a look at it, you know?
And blah, blah, blah.
And he shows him this monkey.
He's like, wow, this is,
so you're still gonna burn it down, right?
He's like, yeah.
He's like, all right, go.
And then the monkey kills the guy,
and then they throw him in an incinerator.
And then his robot butler comes back
with a handful of nuts and bolts and cogs.
And it's like, oh my God,
he sent a robot instead of himself.
But we already sent a robot of him back
to say everything was cool.
Ray Donald Bradbury.
So, wait.
They sent a robot to the haunted house.
The haunted house people then dropped
secret assassin monkey on the robot
when they realized that he was gonna destroy their house.
When they're going to dispose the body,
they realize, oh shit, it's a robot.
Or they had already made another robot
and sent it back to where it's going.
So as far as that guy knows,
who gets his robot version back,
he might be confused that that's his robot version.
And then the real Bookburner guy shows up,
and he's already having the party.
There's a bunch of people from Earth
that are having a masquerade kinda,
like one guy's a vampire, one guy's a Halloween party.
Like a Halloween party kinda thing.
He brings the real Bookburner guy in,
and I never read any Edgar Allan Poe,
but basically he's like, okay, just go into this room.
And then he gets the guy chained up, chains him up,
and then he's bricking him up in the room.
He's like, oh, if you read,
you didn't actually read the books you were burning,
but see, if you did, you would know
that this is an Edgar Allan Poe thing.
He bricks him up in the room and then destroys the house,
kills everybody inside of it.
That's legit.
Okay, and I know because books and how they're written,
I bet you that was like kind of a really,
kind of a just, cool fucking scene
where the guy's like, if you had known,
if you had just read Edgar Allan Poe,
then you wouldn't be doomed to repeat history,
you fucking monster.
You're getting rid of our literature or whatever.
So now I'm gonna give you this poetic,
dark Edgar Allan Poe style death, right?
But the way you described it right now,
in my mind, he's just like,
you didn't even read Edgar Allan Poe, did you?
Now you're gonna die like Edgar Allan Poe, dude.
He's just putting bricks.
The guy's just like, what do you mean?
And he's like, I'm gonna Edgar Allan Poe you right now.
You just beat a douchebag about it.
This version I have of the book,
it's only like 180 pages.
So you could read this in an afternoon.
Oh, I'm for fucking sure gonna read that this week
because now I will say this.
Not often do I have to stop a book
because I need to be in the mindset to read it.
Like I'm very cool with reading
just about anything at any time.
But there's every now and then,
depending on like when I read my friend's autobiography
that she put out, her memoirs,
I had to be in the right mindset for that
because I didn't wanna rush through that.
I only put it on 1.2 speed.
No, I didn't put it, I wanted to hear it
as she meant for it to come out.
But the one that you recommended, the Flesh.
Tender is the Flesh.
Tender is the Flesh is one of those ones
where I got about maybe like five chapters in,
three or four chapters in where I was just like,
you know what?
I need to be in a better head space for this.
And then like a more-
What part did you get to?
I don't know, there's something coming.
Oh, I mean, he was still,
I think maybe it wasn't even three or four chapters,
but he was just showing like a foreign guy,
the process of-
Oh, okay, you're not that far.
Yeah, it's not that far.
But once he was describing the process
of what it would be like to work at a human meat factory,
I was like, hmm, this is something that I wanna feel
a little bit darker inside my head to really get into it.
I think I had just gotten done reading Something Light.
Like I know, you know what it was?
It was like, no, this is what it was.
You recommended that book, Tender is the Flesh.
I'm like, cool.
So I paused my Buffy the Vampire Slayer podcast,
just having a delightful time listening to these two girls
talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I'm like, oh, that was wonderful.
I love the romance of that.
And then it's just like,
I work at a human meat processing plant.
My name is something foreign.
And I refer to them as heads.
I refer to them as meat.
I refer to them as anything other than humans,
which they're not.
Oh, fucking dude, so dark.
One of the darkest books.
Okay, great.
That was a long recommendation.
You gotta catch up on some book episodes.
If you get Martian's done, I'll do that with you.
Oh yeah, no, we'll do Tender is the Flesh
and the Martian Chronicles.
And you know what?
Fuck it.
We should also do John Carter of Mars
and just do a double Mars episode.
Because I think that's also a very short book.
It's about a Confederate soldier, Confederate,
who ex-Confederate soldier,
like a retired-ish Confederate soldier.
I can't jump from book to book right now.
I'm about to read Amy Poehler's Yes, Please.
That's a good one.
So I'm gonna read, I'm reading that.
It's kinda long.
So Tina and Tina Fey's, the girl,
well, not girl, boss, that's the other one.
But Tina Fey's, I think it has bossy pants, is also really good.
So Amy Poehler's and Tina Fey's,
they both of course have excellent.
I also, you know whose autobiography I liked was,
what's her face?
The Hot One, Anna Kendrick.
Anna Kendrick, that's her name, right?
You know who I'm talking about, from Twilight?
Doesn't matter.
She has a great one.
Doesn't matter, but it's good.
Also, the guy who plays Wesley in Princess Bride,
Cary Elwes, As You Wish, that one about,
all about Princess Bride and him going on ATVs
with Andre the Giant and breaking his leg
and having to come back and lie to the director in ship
because he didn't wanna lose his job.
You know how long it took them to choreograph
that fight scene?
It was like eight or nine months of the actual shooting.
It was one of the last things they shot
because it took them every day after recording other scenes.
Like, Inigo Montoya and Cary Elwes would go practice
that fucking fight scene that they have
and where they switch hands
and the whole doing the Olympic,
like the spinning and doing a jump,
that was like thrown in sort of like last minute.
They liked it.
It's just cool.
So I recommend, because I didn't have one,
I was gonna say Deadpool Wolverine
because it is that good.
I just, yeah, I recommend picking up a book.
I don't really care what it is.
Just find a book that sounds interesting.
The way I like to do it is think of a,
if you're not an avid reader already,
a great way to start is pick a movie that you love
and read the book that it's based on.
And you can, that's the,
because it's a great way for you to like,
see the differences between a book and a movie,
which I think is-
Piss you off, yeah.
Either piss, I know,
I'm starting to try to find it to be more fun if I can.
Just a different interpretation of the same story
because I think that's what like threw off a lot of people
when the MCU started off.
They're like, Iron Man doesn't help,
he doesn't go to Iraq, or like whatever,
but it's like, no, this Iron Man does.
The MCU Iron Man is a different Iron Man.
I think it took a lot of people time to realize
that it's not gonna be comic accurate depictions.
They're not just gonna take,
that's what the DC animated universe is for.
If you want direct comic book to animated movie,
that's what you get.
And there's hundreds of them on,
they're so good.
So anyway, that's my recommendation, I guess.
Two things to take away from this episode is
if you're a piece of shit,
unalive yourself and read a book.
Pick up a book,
maybe you won't have to fucking unalive yourself.
I've been playing a Lego Star Wars Skywalker Saga
with my five year old.
Oh, that's a good one.
And occasionally the three year old
will kinda hop in too and play a little bit.
Those games are a lot of fun to play with your kids.
They've been having weird arguments with my five year old
about what really is Star Wars and what isn't,
and for some odd reason, he thinks he knows better than me.
And yeah, so that's what I've been doing.
What's an example of like,
what is Star Wars and what isn't Star Wars?
From a five year old book.
So four, episode four, you don't start with four,
you start with five, and then you watch six,
and then you watch four in his mind.
Yeah, I get that.
One, two, and three are kinda eh for him.
Seven, eight, nine do not exist, which I'm okay with.
Okay, what about the side properties?
Is he a Clone Wars boy?
He doesn't watch any of that.
And or?
His absolute favorite is Empire Strikes Back.
Listen, the-
Okay.
I've said this.
Yeah, okay.
It's not bad. When he's being bad,
do you make him sit and watch-
Watch him watch one.
The holiday, yeah.
The holiday special.
You make him watch the Acolyte?
Yeah.
This is your real punishment.
Is it that bad?
Yeah, I heard it's fucking terrible.
And it just shits in the mouth of all the lore
and canon and all that.
The key word there is, I've heard,
what's happening with the Acolyte is,
because it's female based, it's getting paid online.
Got it.
It's not as bad as what they say though.
Why is Mundy in there?
Why is he there?
Why is Mundy there?
He's not alive yet.
Like so many fucking things are just wrong.
It's just, and Craig, it's not the fucking girl power shit.
I love Padme and Ahsoka and Leia
and many, the bitch from Rogue One who gets obliterated.
I love all those, it's not a woman thing.
It's just bad storytelling, a bad story.
Things that don't make sense.
You have not watched it.
Mundy, the guy with the fucking cock for a head.
This is the only thing that drives me insane
is when people who have not watched something,
have an opinion on it.
I haven't watched that,
not, I get what you're saying,
but I also haven't watched that movie
that praises the KKK.
Remember that one, the,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
but I'm trying to say is the one that was the,
up until the Sound of Music was the number one movie
in America.
It was the, what's it called?
The Great, the Great Nation,
the Great Nation Divided or?
Something of a Nation?
Something of a Nation, of a Nation,
Birth of a Nation.
Birth of a Nation, which is a pro KKK propaganda movie
that had a full budget that was made by like,
Purdue, like Hollywood level quality.
Like Disney or whatever.
Like yeah.
That was the number one played across the fucking country
nonstop, like they just kept playing,
go to the, hey, you want to go see Birth of a Nation
again this week?
Sure. I love the, I love the moving pictures.
It's great.
And those guys in the white suits look so great.
You know, that's what they're thinking of themselves
back in the day.
Well, I know what my pick next week's gonna be.
But I haven't seen it to know that I'm not gonna like
the subject matter, but does that mean it's a bad movie
because they don't like the subject matter?
Exactly. That's my point.
Is it well done?
I don't know.
I would hope not in my mind.
I hope.
The fight scenes are cool, I guess,
but it's just the story.
It's like not even, it's this shit story
with cool fight scenes.
Well, I think my point is that everything
doesn't have to be canon.
It doesn't matter.
We were just talking about that with otherwise the MCU.
If you wanted to take the MCU and compare it
to the comic books, it doesn't fit canon.
Well, no, that's the cinematic universe
in the comic book universe.
And this is the television universes versus the movies.
That's my whole point.
The movies and the,
well, but yeah, Star Wars is all connected.
Well, you just wanna say,
then why is it the MCU all connected?
No, because well.
See what I'm saying?
I'm just saying you're making different rules
for different properties.
No, no, but specifically for Disney.
Well, no, specifically for Star Wars.
Star Wars has always been, there's Star Wars,
the movies, the games, the books, the whatever,
they're all connected until Disney came in and said,
we're gonna retcon and make these ones not,
but now we have these books.
But according to Disney, who owns Star Wars now,
the Vader comics, the games,
like the Calcastus game or whatever,
those are canon to Star Wars.
The TV shows are canon to Star Wars.
The books that have come out recently,
the last whatever, 10 years, whatever, are canon.
But with Marvel, it's different because Marvel just has,
because with Marvel, it's like,
you have Amazing Spider-Man.
You have Ultimate Spider-Man.
You have Miles Morales' Ultimate Spider-Man.
You have Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man.
You have Sensational Spider-Man.
You have Mary Jane in Spider-Man.
You have Peter Parker and Mary Jane love stories.
You have, what is it?
You have Arachnia, you know, like the Spider-Girl, whatever.
You have so many things that can cross over sometimes,
oftentimes take place in their own whatever.
So there's a thousand little multiverses.
Maybe there's even a multiverse.
But that's why they do the Earth whatever.
So technically, MCU is canon
to the rest of the comic books in the world
because everything just, we, our Earth, is Earth whatever.
We are Earth 1,000 and-
I have another way to support your point,
but Brennan hasn't seen the thing.
But what I'm saying is I don't just hate everything
that's Disney Star Wars.
I like most of the Disney Star Wars.
Ahsoka was great.
Obi-Wan was great.
Mandalorian, spectacular.
Bad Batch, fantastic.
Even some of the new Clone Wars,
that new season of Clone Wars, great.
Acolyte is just not, not great.
Oh, it could be not for you,
but hating on something you haven't seen to me
is just the point.
I don't have to. It's just the point.
I watch so many reviews of everything
before I even decide, like,
I trust the people I follow that it's not good.
Same thing with Acolyte, like,
because I'm like, I don't want to form an opinion
until I see it, but I tried.
I watched like two episodes and I was just like,
this is just, it just, it felt, it felt forced.
Like it was like, this is, this is now Star Wars.
Like you could have called it something
completely different than, you know,
outside of the Star Wars universe.
It would have been, made some sort of a story,
not connected to Star Wars.
But it just doesn't feel, it doesn't feel Star Wars.
It just, it feels weird.
Did it feel the forced?
Yes.
If Dave Filoni or John Favreau have their name on it
in some place, it usually ends up being good.
Is it a Favreau?
Yes, it's Favreau.
He's my fave though. He's my fave.
He's your Favreau.
Okay. So that, that was a recreational recommendations,
I guess.
What was that?
Star Wars.
What was that?
Was the whole kill yourself thing,
was that like, was that during that?
That was half our episode was this recreational recommendations.
Every time we bring up new Star Wars, we just, no,
we don't talk about Star Wars.
We don't talk about politics.
We don't talk about Star Wars.
I tried going kid friendly Lego Star Wars.
Yeah, that's what it was.
It's pretty kid friendly.
We don't talk about Brugo.
Lego Star Wars is good,
except they took away the character creation.
I don't like that.
They did, but yeah, there's so many characters though,
that like, yeah.
And like on the PlayStation Plus right now,
like when you download it, you get all the character packs
and stuff like that.
That's cool.
So you have tons of different characters to play out,
but you have to make it through the story to unlock them.
That's cool.
It's hard to do with the Favreau.
Yeah, but have you gotten to Empire yet?
We're skipping through, cause it's the entire saga.
Did you start with Empire?
He wanted to, but I made him start with a new Hope.
And then-
You have to eat your veggies before, or your hummus,
before you can get the rest of your meal.
But late, like the next day he was playing by,
he woke up early and just started playing in the morning.
And he was playing episode one.
So he started one and he's working his way through.
That's cool.
Well, dope.
I think we're going to wrap it up.
This has been, it's been a hell of an episode.
I didn't, honestly, when I watched the Police Story 4
for the first time-
All your mind was not any of this stuff we talked about.
When I thought about what our episode was going to consist
of, nope, none of this fucking bullshit was in any of it.
So this is, that's how you know you've listened to an
episode of our bullshit with us as always is my good friend.
He's, it's Austin from Fried Rice Podcast One,
Fried Rice Podcast, the, oh God,
I couldn't think of a funny subtitle.
It's my super cop friend.
He's been drove three hours to be here, Farrell.
Hi.
But now we're going to get canceled.
That's what's going to do it.
With me as always is Michael.
He too has been at some political and controversial
viewpoints on his Wikipedia that are going to get him
in some controversy.
Larsen.
Chelyos, motherfucker.
I didn't even say you're close to death anymore.
Now you just, you got to come.
All right.
With me as always is Brendan.
We'll do it right this time.
Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da
ship lay up to Boston.
Now I feel obligated to go to Boston.
At least once.
Have a good night everybody.
Boston, Brendan's coming your way, ladies and gentlemen.
Shipley's going to ship out to Boston.
Actually they're probably going to beat your ass.
They're like, oh, you think it's funny, A?
A?
No, what is it, Canadian?
I'll go to a hockey game of Boston Bruins versus LA Kings
wearing a Kings jersey.
Oh.
Get into some fights, that'll be fun.
That's like wearing a Yamaha on the Gaza Strip right now.
Now I'm going to get fucking canceled.
Thanks, Austin.
Bye everyone.
See you tomorrow.
ج Szurek