Hey, everybody, and welcome to a Would You Rather episode of Fried Rice Podcast.
You didn't know what I was doing there?
They stopped taking a hit because they didn't know my fiendish plan to do Would You Rathers
the whole time.
Yeah, take a hit.
We're in this.
We're 22 seconds in the show already.
Thanks, Brendan, or whoever.
I never started that up.
This is going to be a parallel sort of Would You Rather, Topsy Turvy episode.
So hey, and welcome.
Or hey, and how are you?
It's an episode of Fried Rice Podcast.
I am the person leading the podcast, Andrew Rice.
Let's get baked.
With me as always, for the first time ever, is Michael.
I'm happy for him to be here.
Chellios Larson.
You did it.
Hi, everybody.
With me.
Or for the first time ever, it's Brendan, Jesse's girl, Shipley.
Hello.
For the first time ever.
Wait, how high are you?
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm just going to finish it off, though, for the first time ever.
I don't like how you're leaning your arm on me like you're some weird high school professor.
I know.
This is the most fucked up intro.
Would you rather I restart from the beginning?
Okay, all right.
And with this as always, for the first time ever, is Austin Lives Next Door.
Took him no time at all to get here.
Farrell.
Check me out on Game Spy.
Game Spy?
Holy shit.
Normally, I'm like, yeah, that's an outdated thing, what you say, but Game Spy is the most
hit home in the heart feels one that you've said so far.
I aim for that.
I got a list.
That one hit home.
Yeah, so this is all about philosophy.
This episode is about the would you rather.
This is about thinking.
This is about exploring life and what it means.
He's grooming us for something.
He is a good term.
Grooming is a good term, not for what I'm doing, but for this movie, for sure.
I didn't even think about it.
The whole time you can watch this movie and think grooming, grooming, grooming.
Yes, the entire thing.
Not the first time you watch it, though.
It's until the end.
But when you first...
Anyway, we'll get into the movie part.
It's like halfway through.
You kind of...
You notice the tension there.
Yeah, but before we continue, something happened last week and I think it needs to be addressed.
It was our musical episode and I had written a secret song that I inserted into the middle
of the episode that I could maybe in the court of law, maybe get arrested for maybe terrorism
threats or death threats.
If I die, you're fucked.
Yeah.
If Michael dies, I'm their number one suspect.
It makes sense now that Amnesty International is calling me because this is like a fucking
war crime, what I wrote.
Not only to listen to, but the lyrics, the lyrical content in it, in which I very much
laid out my plans to kill our very own Michael Larson.
Mike, do you have any thoughts on that?
Because you haven't said a fucking word about it since coming over here and I'm really worried.
I don't really have any thoughts on that other than it was all right.
It was good.
It was a good job of writing.
Not sure about the content, but it was a good job of writing and at least a little ditty.
A little ditty.
So I thought just to be nice, I would respond.
I made a little poem and I am not a poet, so we'll see how this goes.
In the realm of nerdy delights, behold Andy Rice, a six foot two bard with quirks both
odd and nice.
His brain a cosmic library of fandom lore where Star Wars meets Marvel and musicals
soar.
We're using soar as a, Andy wills a light saber not for duels, but to slice through
punch lines like Jedi rules.
Knock knock he'd say robes billowing wide.
Who's there?
Yoda's favorite bedtime guy.
His humor a blend of gamma rays and wits, Spider-Man quips and Tony Stark's snarky
fits.
Why did Iron Man join the Avengers choir to hit those high notes with repulsor fire?
Andy's laughter echoes like Homelander's flight.
A boy's fan he'd say Supes you ain't right.
He'd mimic Billy Butcher's gruff disdain.
Oh Huey let's grab a pint and complain.
But his heart it beats to Buffy's theme.
A vampire slayer's destiny, a chosen dream.
Once more with feeling he'd sing as a glow as if Sunnydale's fate rested on his show.
I want children in classrooms everywhere to put their hands on their heart and recite
that from memory every morning when they go to school.
That wasn't a diss track.
That was a love letter, Mike.
That was a, I would have to pay someone to write such a loving poem for me.
In contrast I feel a little guilty now about my song.
Cause at one point I said I wish you were on the live no longer walking on this earth.
I wish I had a time machine to stop your mom from giving birth and that's fucked up.
Because you're in our general relationship most of the time though.
I'm really nice to you and you're a dick to me.
It got really intense when he started saying cellios all the time and then you just introduced
him as cellios and that made him go away.
You made this whole diss track about murdering him and that's all you had to do.
The end of Eight Mile View where I took your power away by using your thing against me.
The first Hulk movie.
Take it all at the end.
I don't understand the reference.
What Hulk movie?
Which one?
Which first Hulk movie?
The first Hulk movie.
The first not before Marvel.
Ed Norton?
Not Ed Norton.
Eric Bana.
Yeah.
What happens at the end of fucking Eric Bana Hulk?
His dad becomes like an elemental or some shit and he's just like I want your power
and he's like take it all.
I don't remember that.
Bro, I went and saw the original Hulk in theater and it's one of the very few movies I've fallen
asleep in the theater.
I was a kid so I didn't have any, I'm not like a grown man where just falling asleep
just makes sense when you can.
You didn't fall asleep to butt naked Hulk fighting three dogs?
That's the exact part I woke up to.
What?
A fever dream that you wake up.
My buddy woke me up and I see a Hulk fighting three dogs in the dark or at least that's
what I'm told I saw.
It was the darkest worst CGI scene I've ever seen in my life.
Then I looked and I was like, I don't know what the fuck's happening.
I'm going to go back to sleep and then they woke me up at the end.
I didn't, right after he said give me all your power.
But Mike, I think the best line of that was the Tony Stark repulsor fire one.
If you had made that into a song.
That took a while.
These are hard to rhyme some of those.
Yeah.
I did easy rhymes for mine.
He definitely put thought and effort into that.
Yeah.
You only had a date.
I released my diss track yesterday.
There are 24 hours of it.
Yeah, but you're old.
That's that's the last hours and 24 hours.
Eight of those asleep.
Speaking of philosophy, it is interesting as the older you get, the faster time does
go.
Well, yeah, yeah, it is.
It's which makes you think mathematically it's true.
So you got to think every time you like.
So dogs are experiencing time way faster than we are.
Right.
That's why when you leave your dog at home alone for a couple of hours to you, it's just
a couple of hours for it.
It's like a day.
It feels like percent of their life.
And so when you're petting your dog, you got to think about they're getting two or three
times the enjoyment out of like the time that they're spent with you.
So they're actually loving you more than you're loving them.
And when you get older, yeah, I mean, fuck time just slips away from you, which is good
in some cases.
Right now, it's the summer.
It's really hot.
And I'm just kind of on Adam Sandler click mode.
Fast forward where I just sort of shut down the lower base, like the higher functioning
parts of my brain.
And I just like go to work on like autopilot and I just hoping that summer ends.
And then when winter kicks in or fall, then I'll reengage.
I don't know.
We're all looking at Austin like he's he's got some as he's the youngest one here, I
think.
I'm curious if his time fucking 30.
Yeah, it is still young.
I don't know.
It's all downhill from here.
Although I don't think you're allowed to go to youth hostels anymore in Europe.
I think that stops at like twenty seven or twenty eight.
But you can teach in Jakarta.
You can teach in Jakarta.
And if you're looking for that kind of thing, Austin, but work at the Indonesian X-Men school.
I love that place.
It looks pretty, though.
The school opening scene where they were like the whole town looked pretty cool.
Nobody's seen their fucking.
What do you mean?
Yeah, well, not that.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that is my first.
Well, anyway, we'll get into the we'll get into the notes in just a second.
Let's do what are we smoking?
Cue music now.
Ten minutes.
Thank you.
I still got to come up with what do you smoke music?
I don't think I've added it once in this last few episodes.
I think keep I keep saying add music now and then nothing happens for the audience.
I don't know.
I will running bit like three seasons.
What we just did, what you should do on this one is just put your song you made about me
is right there.
That is even though it didn't go, but it'd be funny.
You know what?
Unfortunately, the clip I have of you saying this movie makes me miss man thing.
I couldn't I couldn't fit it into the song like there wasn't a good part for it.
And it just audio wise didn't work.
But I did want to have that in there.
Same.
I just doing a whole song of just quotes from you.
But the mine was easier, I guess, just writing a whole song faster than going back through.
I bought a pack of royalty free music on Humble Bundle.
They had just a good deal for it.
So I now own, you know, a bunch of music.
And I found that track just in piano moods, volume one or whatever.
And I it was the only one that I could sing over that could come up with a couple of the
music that was singing.
Well, one part the ACME.
Do you like that one, Paul, the ACME for anvil to fall on your head?
Yeah, that wasn't bad.
Cool.
So what are we smoking?
I brought I went to Needles yesterday.
I picked up these really cool packages.
It's Gramlin.
Oh, that's funny.
I didn't even read the logo.
Gramlin instead of Gremlin.
And it's got little gremlins on it, I guess, gremlins.
And this is Peach Pie that we're smoking.
And then we're also going to smoke Sunset Mojito.
And it's got like a cat drinking a mojito on it.
Pretty cool.
Pretty cool artwork.
Austin.
I brought a joint that's Cypress Hill has their own weed now.
And this is Dr. Green Thumb Strawberry Nightcap.
See what it looks like.
Indica leaning.
I don't know how to open these.
But yeah, found that.
Got a free A through that in here, too.
That is going to be glitter bomb.
Wait a minute.
What is coming out of that box?
Yeah, I don't know.
Okay.
The only container I had on me.
So it didn't come in its own little no, it was joint form.
I just had I just had it rolled into a joint.
Had it rolled.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Had it rolled.
Who do you go to?
Who's your professional joint roller?
My fucking grandma.
That's awesome.
Your grandma rolls a hell of a good joint.
That's like solid.
It curves a little bit to the left, but that's, you know, she makes it makes.
Yeah.
Good thing.
People like that.
That's what grandma likes.
Oh, never mind.
It curves to the right when I hold it this way.
If you just turn it, yeah, it'll change.
Oh, the curve went away.
That's a great joint.
Oh, that's a shitty joint.
This is great.
We're gonna smoke the shit out of this in just a second.
And then Brandon, you also brought something.
It's been a little while, but I brought a Jeter Canon.
This one I brought a Sativa.
It's called Morning Flight and it's infused with live resin.
It is 40% THC, 40.9% THC.
Jesus.
And it's got a gold tip.
Yeah, it's kind of.
It's like legit.
That's also how grandma likes it.
This is one of those things that like, if I met a celebrity that smoked weed, like Snoop
Dogg or whoever, I'd want to bring one of these and just be like, oh, hey, let's just
smoke this gold tipped fucking infused super fucking Jeter joint.
God, that is amazing.
That's why they're rare treats.
Plus they're harsh.
Oh yeah, this is going to fuck us up.
I can't wait.
That's why I got a Sativa.
Well, we're about to talk philosophy and I have a bunch of fun would you rather questions
for us later.
Speaking of rolling good joints, a while back, right when I first started doing comedy, there
was a chick I knew shortly before that that I worked with and someone asked me if we fucked
and I'm like, I'm not fucking, I'm not like, but he took that as like, yes, we did somehow.
And then it got to her and she got like really mad at me before I went on stage.
She just showed up.
Oh, look, it's the guys that I fucked in.
I'm like, keep, keep going.
I had my notebook out, like keep fucking going.
I did material about it on stage.
This chick, when I knew her, she was, she was like, you know, when I live in Hawaii,
I rolled joints for Snoop Dogg and I'm like, oh, you fucked Snoop Dogg.
That's a fun bit.
You know, writing humor on stage doesn't always work out.
I found out there was a group of crossfit friends that came for you, like when you were
in CrossFit.
Oh, when we did Romanos?
Yeah.
And I think my joke to them was like, hey, you know, Jesus was CrossFit.
Yeah.
Ouch.
And I thought it was pretty good.
It's a great joke for me.
I don't know about a mixed crowd.
Yeah, not a mixed crowd.
It didn't work.
One of the CrossFit coaches there was a pastor.
And she, luckily none of the, the, the really like heavily involved in Christianity people
were there.
Oh, she wasn't there.
The owner of the owner of my CrossFit gym was there.
The pastor?
The pastor was not there.
She wasn't there.
But she, yeah, she's a female pastor.
Pastor?
Yeah.
Yeah, females are allowed to be pastors.
It's okay.
They allow women to be pastors in true.
It's 2024.
And guess what?
Pastors can fuck now too.
Hold the phone.
I don't really know much about pastors.
Apparently.
I thought church was like all, you know, misogynistic men kind of rule it.
Catholic.
Only Catholic.
She, she added me to a group chat by accident for their like Christian Christmas play.
Yeah.
And I just started getting all these fucking messages about Santa and like, Oh, who's doing
this?
And I was like, yo, I didn't know who it was.
I was like, yo, what the fuck is this?
Get me the fuck out of this group chat now.
And then the next message it says typing, it's like, this is pastor Deanna.
What you said?
What the fuck is this?
Like, yo, what the fuck is this?
Cause I was in the middle, I was in the middle of like drowning at work and in the kitchen.
I was like, yo, who the fuck is this?
Why's my phone keep blowing up?
Stupid shit.
That's so good.
But that's cool.
Well, that's what we're smoking and we're going to get fucking high.
Which one do we want to start with?
Oh, might as well.
We're going to start with the fucking.
We'll go fancy to begin with.
We'll go with the fancy one to start.
Then we get the full effect.
Although the Dr. Green thumb one is also fancy because that's like it's Cypress.
Oh, it's brand new too.
Yeah.
Let's go new first.
Got a little filter built in.
Oh, you want to go new first?
Let's go new first.
Okay.
Yeah, because it's indicating that we'll hit the sativa after.
Bring us back, wake us up.
First you make me watch repo, Brandon.
Then you show me up at what are we smoking?
I didn't mean to.
I went out of my way even though I don't smoke to contribute.
I will say this is fun because no one walked into my apartment today and was like, yeah,
this movie fucking sucks and I hate whoever recommended it.
That's a first for us.
It's like it seems like everyone is just like, eh, like whatever about it.
Well, Andy.
There's things to talk about.
I'll reinforce that by saying this movie did better than Steel on Rotten Tomatoes.
It did better than Space Truckers.
It did better than Southland Tales, obviously, of course.
It did better than Battlefield Earth or Battle Earth as Andy refers to it sometimes by accident
because he's high.
All the time by accident.
It did not do better than Genetic Opera.
Really?
It did not do better than repo.
Okay.
Also, it, oh, the audience score didn't do as good.
It also did not do better than Terrifier 1 and 2.
Well, you know what?
Here's something controversial, but Terrifier, I'm thinking, might be the first movie that
we do a rewatch on at some point to see if from a different lens, if it's gotten any
better because a lot of people have been hitting me up and saying Terrifier is great and that
we're all fucking just idiots for saying it's so bad.
The only way I am going to agree to that is if we do that one as a live watch.
Yeah, we might as well just, we should do Terrifier as a live watch.
Maybe we'll do that for Drunk Rice or the 100th episode or something.
Or Halloween.
Halloween, we might.
That'll be the topper for Halloween.
You were talking about releasing an episode every day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, yeah.
So we've got some plans for Halloween.
We've got some plans for Christmas.
I think this might be a great to release on Halloween kind of deal.
Perfect.
Okay.
The movie is After the Dark or The Philosophers, if you want to be, you know, what they first
called it about it.
Came out in 2013.
Stars James DeHarsey.
Sophie Lowe and it's got some people that you might recognize such as Gainey Weasley.
The guy, the charismatic dude from the very first Purge movie that attacks the house.
He's the her boyfriend or the main chick's boyfriend.
It has Starlight from The Boys.
It has the kid from Spy Game or Spy Kids, the kid from Spy Kids, not Scout Fight.
And then that's about it.
Is there anyone else?
No, that's pretty much it.
We got Starlight and Diet Dr. Strange as the teacher.
One of the trivia facts was this was Natasha Gotts debut or whatever.
So I had to click on her to see what else has she been in and it was like a bunch of
movies like this.
And I'm just like, okay, so this is like the only movie she's been in.
Yeah, but it's also her top.
Like it was on her top of her.
It was the top of her list.
Yeah, it's actually the top of some.
Oh, wait.
And of course, sorry.
The blonde guy.
Yeah, I forgot all about him, but he's important.
He just didn't pop up on the first thing or any of this.
He's not on the Google result.
He has to be on the I guess the IMBB.
Maybe he this is one of those things where he doesn't want to be associated with it.
Oh, Freddy's Freddy Stroma plays the blonde guy, but he also plays what we all love him
from, which is Peacemaker.
He plays vigilante.
He's like friend guy and he definitely plays a different character in this.
It's crazy to see that if you look at just these two roles of of like kind of like openly
gay high school student who's cool and just, you know, like is chill to over the top, nerdy,
fucking R rated lottery.
Yeah.
He was also Cormac Mclagin in the Harry Potter movies, but I don't really know who that is.
I can't I can't picture it.
There it is.
So after the dark or originally the philosophers, let's get into it.
This is a movie very simply about a high school in where is it?
Jakarta, Jakarta.
That is the coolest high school you could imagine going to.
It's basically like a college, which is kind of how my high school was before I went there.
Like my high school back in like the 70s and 80s was known to have two campuses and students
made their own schedules sort of.
So it's like you would go from like 12 to four one day and then you would do so like
college.
It would be like college bricks and super rich private crusty upper level schools.
Mine wasn't like an upper level crusty one.
Mine was just the way the campuses were set up was kind of like a college sort of thing,
like blocks.
And I feel like that's kind of this vibe.
And this one.
Yeah, this is definitely you're sending your kids to top priority education.
And it's a class led by it felt very smug.
Very smug.
Yeah.
Most of those kids were very smug.
Especially the scarf.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Spy kids.
Yeah.
Really nice classroom.
Looked like a converted dojo.
Yeah, in the middle of like a bazaar.
And their clothes were all super nice.
Yeah.
And there was a garden.
There was a beautiful garden outside with a bench that they just went and sat down like
just so serene.
It starts off with them fucking in this nice ass fucking apartment room, whatever it is
with giant wide open windows.
How did they get away with that?
Like, like just hear me out.
If even at boarding schools, I'm assuming because I don't think any of us went to a
boarding school, but I would imagine if you went to a boarding school that was like out
of country that there would be strict measurements in place to stop kids from just spending the
night and fucking.
Like, I don't think this is a boarding school.
This is a international school.
So they live or their parents are like work at, let's say some oil company.
They're rich, high dot high end oil company people.
The kid is going to school.
Like 500,000 a year.
Right.
It's, it's exactly.
So you think the kids all live there?
They don't live there.
They live in the no live in the car.
Okay.
Got it.
So, so this is just, this is just parents negligence leading to kids just having full
grown adult relationship.
Yeah.
Spending the night at each other's house and fuck that many 17, 18 year old rich kids like
that.
So at the school level, it was actually quite accurate.
So I, okay.
They're also really smart.
They figured it out, I guess.
Yeah, that is true.
They're all, they're all geniuses.
So, so if they, if they can figure out how to survive the apocalypse, I could see them
surviving a far.
It's like the, the athletes like in the Olympics and shit, they had to make their beds out
of cardboard because it's just a fuck test.
I've heard.
Yeah.
Which yeah.
I mean, that's also 16, 17, 18 year old kids.
They're all in their fucking athletic prime.
They're going to be fucking.
Exactly.
All the hottest people, you know.
Just the hottest most physically fit people.
And then you've got the, the like, what are some sports where it's just, you're chunky
just out the gate?
Like you're a big dude, big dude sports.
So sports for Andy is what we're saying.
Competitive.
Competitive eating?
Mike.
Lifting.
Competitive lifters.
That's what I'm saying.
They're still in great shape.
Oh, that kind of thing.
Yeah.
I'm talking like, what did you say?
You were like big sports for Andy.
Yeah.
So you're like big sports for big deal and like competitive eating.
I don't know.
Since he said chunky.
I said chunky.
Like, like, like, like, you know, like fat dudes, like, or not fat, but you know what
I mean?
Wait, like for instance, would a sumo wrestler, do they do sumo?
Okay.
Those guys are fat and they're not nail up.
Cause that would be stupid.
There's no one else doing sumo, right?
There's no like white dudes doing sumo.
No American sumo league.
Yeah.
Competitive eating for chunky people.
That was, that was low, low hanging fruit.
I'll go e-sports actually.
Yeah.
I mean, that's more up to date.
Dota 2 tournaments.
Well, yeah, they went to the Olympics.
I don't think it'd be the same kind of fuck best.
Not with the hot athletic Olympics.
Maybe all again, all the other e-sports.
Actually, it's a bunch of furries.
Lots of coming, but not fucking.
A bunch of furries.
Furry con is probably the horniest place on earth.
If there's a furry convention somewhere out there right now, there are people fucking
there.
I went to this weird, not a furry thing, but I went to this weird, back in the day, there
was a website called melodramatic.com and it was a prototype of Facebook.
Maybe right around Facebook came out or right after MySpace, but it was right in the early
days of social media and it doesn't exist anymore.
Not really.
And it was a alternative goth sort of Facebook where people specifically made, put their
dark poetry.
People, you know, emo scene kids sort of stuff.
I was never really like that, but it was a cool website.
As much as we would love to see that.
I was never goth.
Goth Andy with the painted nails and the little suit hair.
I was never like that, but I liked the aesthetic of the website and I liked reading all the
stuff.
It was like my first kind of foray into social media that I enjoyed.
It was just cool, right?
But they had a gathering once, like a party, like from anyone who was on Melodramatic.
So everyone all over the country.
And it was in LA and it was at like this hotel that they found.
And we all showed up and I met a lot of people that I had known from being friends on there.
And I'm still friends with them today.
Like, you know, just, just for me.
You should make one of these for Buffy.
Well, I would love that.
But hear me out where it goes in just a second, because it started off just like, all right,
cool.
I'm just meeting all these people or smoking weed or whatever.
And then the chick comes in who runs the website and she's like the ultra goth chick.
And she's like a real sexual, deviant kind of like open sexuality thing.
She comes in being like on a little like bed that's being carried by four, like just shirtless
dudes and immediately it turns into some fuckfest.
It's like people just start taking people into the side rooms and fucking people are
taking their clothes off for everybody and they're just doing all the stuff.
And I was like 19 at the time and there was, yeah, it just.
Sit in the corner and just cower.
I didn't sit in the corner and cower, but I think a group of us that were just like,
oh, we didn't know this was going to turn into an orgy.
Sort of went outside and smoked some weed and started talking about, man, that's pretty
nuts in there.
How it just immediately turned into just an, just an unfiltered orgy with fucking like,
and it got like bondage stuff came out.
Like there were people in like gyps.
I don't know where it all was.
We were just regular people.
And then this chick comes, comes through.
I feel like the lighting changed to red.
Not one of your friends smoking at times like I'm going to, I'm going to go in there.
Maybe.
But I know that, but I've just felt like the moment she came in, the lighting changed to
something dark and sinister, like red people just pulled out gypsuits from their fucking
purses.
I might be remembering it a little wrong, but in my mind.
No, you're remembering several movies, right?
It's you.
When they go around the fire, the witches go around the fire and all of a sudden there's
some dirt.
Someone got executed there.
Someone got sacrificed.
No, I didn't do any, I didn't do any, any drugs leading up to the besides weed, but
someone dropped something in your drink.
No, it wasn't nightmarish.
It's just in my mind.
I remember it just getting, trying to convince him it's all in his head.
It's all in your head, Andy.
Yeah.
And he died in a car accident five years ago.
You just need to wake up.
That'd be crazy.
Yeah.
Because I, the, but I've asked, I've talked to some of the people since then.
I'm like, Hey, remember that crazy night we, we met and then it turned into some crazy
orgy, but
They're ghosts.
Who are you?
Who are you calling me?
I wonder why you added me on Facebook 20 years ago.
How'd you get in my house?
How do we branch off into that?
That really was just the tangent.
I don't know where the fucking came, even came from.
Oh, people fucking at school.
Yeah.
Okay.
Natural conclusion to that conversation.
I like that she gets up and says, don't go back to sleep.
And he just immediately closed his eyes and goes back to sleep.
Very real life.
Now that's probably the realest thing about this movie.
Yeah.
Um, he gets, so he wakes up late.
He goes through the city of Jakarta.
He gets to the private gated off X-Men Academy.
What'd you call it?
Indonesian X-Men school.
And uh, the X lady boys.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Uh, and so he goes in, he does the old, puts the book in between the door and he uses logic
to get through, I guess.
You guys like, well, either by a minute or three hours late is late.
Right?
Is that the expression?
Did I fuck that up?
They said it two or three times.
Yeah.
It was like a 15 minutes early or late.
I don't know.
No, it was like, yeah.
The one my boss used to have was.
Something that shitty bosses use.
Yeah, pretty much.
If you're five minutes early or on time, if you're on time, you're late.
And if you're five minutes late, you're fired.
Is what my boss had in their kitchen.
I'm so glad I got to tell my boss off the other day.
Ooh.
Did you quit your job?
No, no, no, no, no.
My old boss.
So.
After the lighthouse show in Havasu, I went over to my old place of work because I still
have a couple of friends that work there say hi.
Fucking boss shows up in a cyber truck.
And I was like, hey, you're late.
I'm gonna go get you.
And I was like, man, you are you should be so happy.
I don't work here anymore.
And he's like, why?
And I was like, you're driving that fucking thing and how much you used to pay me.
Fuck you.
I would just fucking quit.
You rolled up when I was working.
I would have just fucking walked out and not anything.
That's ridiculous.
I saw a meme where it was just a video of a cyber truck driver.
But it's like now you easy way to find the town's biggest tool is whoever owns the cyber
truck driving around.
And yeah, I mean, that's kind of a right now until until more people own it.
It's kind of a douchebag thing to own.
I feel like you really think more people are going to own it.
No, it's so automatic opening and closing the front.
If you put your finger in it, it'll fucking crush your finger.
I saw the banana test and then I saw some guy put his finger in and fucked it up.
That was bad.
So I got out and cut himself on the door.
His leg, just a giant gas on his leg.
He's like, but it's great.
I love it.
Like they're just like, no, I fucking love it.
It's great.
It's bulletproof.
Right.
Call members.
That was one of the claims.
Right.
It's bullet resistant.
Resistant.
There we go.
Just like water resistant.
Waterproof.
Yeah.
Can't put proof against anything anymore.
All right.
So I did put the first thing, Mike, was side titty.
There you go, Mike.
And it was, you know, because you love your titty.
I'm surprised I didn't write that down.
I usually keep track of that for Mike.
Yeah.
What was the very first thing was side nudity.
So they go into class and then the professor says, we find out that it's a philosophy
class and then he goes over some of the concepts that they've covered earlier and he goes,
what are some of your favorites?
And so the very first one was the infinite monkey problem or the infinite monkey theory,
which is if you put a monkey at a keyboard or at a typewriter for all of eternity or
infinity, he would eventually just write the complete works of Shakespeare just by random
chance.
That set the tone for the whole movie.
I was like, oh, they're going to do this now.
Like, they're going to put a bunch of CGI into this, into thoughts.
Bad CGI.
Not bad.
2013 mid.
Oh yeah.
Mid.
For the time.
Yeah.
B quality for B plus A minus quality for 2013 straight to DVD movie.
It was smart.
Which I think was it.
No, but they went to the trolley meme.
Yeah.
Right.
Immediately after.
Right to the trolley meme.
Yeah.
But the thing is, this is 2013.
This is, this is 11 years ago.
Right?
So yeah.
Well, no, I mean, the trolley problem has been around forever, but it wasn't a meme.
But it wasn't a meme.
Not a lot of people knew about it.
But actually your first time watching this in 2013, you could have been like, oh, I've
never heard the monkey theory before.
I've never heard of the trolley problem before.
It could theoretically, I think maybe I was introduced to it.
Maybe the first time.
And to be on your age, being in a philosophy class.
Yeah.
This could be the introduction for a lot of people even now, unless you go out of your
way to, you know, look those things up.
Yeah.
My 12 year old doesn't know the trolley problem.
Yeah.
But there is another, but there's now even a steam video game called the trolley problem
that starts with the actual trolley problem, but then it escalates into like more and more
moral dilemmas as you go along.
I did like how they changed the trolley problem around where they say, oh, push effect.
Well, no, but that's the, I've seen that variation before where it's like, yeah, there's five
people at the end of the track and you can pull the switch and it kills one.
Are you active?
They didn't even really go into it much.
So the act of letting nature run its course and killing the five people, does it make
you immoral for allowing it to happen?
It makes you pretty much amoral for just standing by and letting nature run its course.
The act of pulling the switch does save five people, but it also makes you murder one.
It's still murder.
There's no one who has that.
And so now you have murder on your conscience.
But then the act of pushing a fat man and valuing his life, now the fact that he was
fat, does that have anything to do with it?
It's just the fact that he-
It did because the science of it being him being fat, he was fat enough to derail the
car.
But I think a lot of people's social norms would kick in and they'd be like, yeah, I'd
rather get rid of a lazy fat person.
But inaction is also action.
Inaction can be in, yeah.
But is allowing five people to die worse than letting one per, than killing one person?
But that's the whole problem of everything.
That's like, that's the problem of everything.
Because that's like, you're almost could say, was dropping the atomic bomb good or bad?
Because that's the argument for dropping the atomic bomb is it saved millions of lives
because it killed those hundreds of thousands right then and saved millions.
I'd just kill myself.
The same problem though.
Wait, so you're-
Hold on.
There's two things I have to address here.
I have to address Mike and Austin.
And there's a lot of debate about the nuclear bomb.
We might not have had to use it.
And we could have maybe found other ways to end the war.
We will never find that out, right?
And then Austin, your answer to the trolley problem is you see a train heading towards
five people and there's one person on the track and you're by the thing.
You're just going to pull a gun out and blow your brains out?
Tragedy struck at a train station where five people died and a witness killed himself in
response to the tragedy is what they're going to think.
Killed himself right by the lever and those five people are just confused as shit in their
last moments.
It's all caught on camera.
A man who could have saved five children from getting killed by a train.
Some scientists say, he's a fucking genius.
The smartest man of our time.
What a shame.
There's a meme online that's very funny which is if the balloon hits the ground, you die.
And so one guy pops the balloon, grabs it and puts it in his pocket and he's like, I'm
invincible.
And so people start shooting him because his balloon hasn't touched the ground and he's
fucking invincible.
And it's just a funny, yeah.
So oh, and then there was the ignorance bliss paradox which is you're hanging on the side
of a tall building and you were about to fall to your death and you can, you managed to
call your three best friends.
They show up and all three of them decide that it's not worth the risk.
Too dangerous.
It's too dangerous and they back off and you fall off but you survive.
Look at you at a parachute.
Well, that's just, but that's just a silly way to, because these are all hypothetical,
right?
It's one of those things they can get away with in this.
If you're hanging off a cliff with a fucking parachute, I'm letting you fucking fall.
You dumb ass, why'd you call me up here?
Maybe those three saw the parachute and went, oh, well she's just, well.
Hope you fall in front of a truck.
So it doesn't answer the question.
No, no, no.
Problem with that scene was it didn't, it made the question not answered because she
had a parachute.
Hold on.
So he just went, oh, fuck it, we'll leave.
Wait.
Now you have a point what I'm going to say.
Maybe the three of them saw the parachute.
I know you're being silly because the parachute almost doesn't even really matter because
it's just the way he described his words are just saying you survived the fall, but we're
seeing from the movies, from like the, the, what they're trying to show us a parachute,
but the rules get tricky later on because there's a lot of mental experience, thought
experiments going on in thought experiments that are side stuff that like only you know
about in your own head until you decide to reveal the information.
So if they were doing that thought experiment and now all of them are thinking the same
thing.
Oh, that's the first example of what the professor does.
Well, no, what I'm saying is later on in the bunker, when the professor goes and grabs
the gun and he doesn't tell anyone about it, right.
He's cheating in a way because it's like he, he's painting this picture and then he's keeping
secret information from them while he's going and doing these things.
But they also, at some point the kids do that back to him.
So in this first thought experiment, the infinite or the ignorant bliss paradox, technically,
I guess those three students who are the ones that backed away from their friend dying could
have been like, well, we saw the parachute.
And then that does bring into question extra like moral, like, do you still let your friend
fall even if he has a parachute or do you try?
Sorry.
I'm going off track here.
This is just, there's, there's no, you broke my brain by saying that they could have seen
parachutes.
It doesn't matter.
Let's move on.
The next one is the, we get straight into the atomic bomb apocalypse and we see three
variations of, or maybe four, I think it's three.
I think the fourth one is when she takes them.
Yeah.
Or it's three.
I don't know.
So the first one is, is it just them, the students with no jobs, right?
No, they have jobs.
No, it starts out, they're in the classroom at the start and he gives them the list of
jobs.
Yeah.
Right before that, I was, the one thing I was going to say about the other thing though,
when they were doing the things is some of the kids had cool quotes in that philosophy
is to real life as masturbation is to sex was one of them when they were talking about
that stuff.
And then the other one was when she was, one girl was going after him about the kid being
late isn't punctuality the virtue of the lonely.
I wrote that down.
I did too.
Cause then I wrote right after I wrote, damn Andy, you are definitely not lonely.
Thank you.
Cause I'm late to everything.
Which I get and it's fucked up.
But you know what though?
You're absolutely right.
I have friends over all the time and I'm late to everything.
As soon as they get to this part where it's like the main meat of the movie, the hypothetical
bomb shelter, the whole thing, the whole time I see him like walking around with all
these students behind him.
I was like, you know, I'd really like to watch magic school bus right now.
This is like, this is like realistic magic school bus.
If Ms. Frizzle was a pedophile.
Okay.
Well, you're giving away the game a little bit of what the plot is, but we already hashed
over it.
We did.
Okay.
So we'll just spoilers.
Uh, spoilers for the movie.
We're currently reviewing, but yeah, the, the professor is fucking the students, uh, the
main chick and she has her boyfriend and she's fucking everybody.
And she's, she's fucking everybody.
Only a plus student ever.
Yeah.
I can figure out.
Imagine that.
Yeah.
Uh, every hypothetical he talks you in it.
I mean, he threw with his mind in front of the other students.
So they get the jobs and they have to decide what 10 are going in.
Right?
Cause there's only room for 10 people in the, the reason they do the job thing is cause
there's only room for 10 people in the locker and there's plenty of them.
There's enough air for 10 people.
One extra person would, would kill you all in months.
Um, so yeah.
So what he does is he gives all the students occupations and he gives the main is the chickies
fucking her boyfriend, special ones.
Um, and they, uh, and then it's like, you have like genetic scientists, you have a botanist,
um, a civil, like an engineer, a poet, a poet shoots.
Yeah.
A poet.
Boom.
Second.
I just saw that as like you, me or Andy, like I'm a comedian.
This is when I renamed him and the whole rest of the movie I referred while I was with my
wife, his name became professor murdered.
He was just professor murder.
Professor murder.
Yeah.
He kind of was.
So it fits with your, uh, X-Men thing.
No, it's professor murder in the X-Men.
As soon as he kills that first guy and it's like all becomes like a big like debate.
It just looked like, uh, that episode of South Park where the, they're, they're just like,
like that's what it felt like.
And I was just like, I just closed the door on the bunker with me, just me alone inside
of it.
That's great.
Uh, yeah.
Cause if you really take a step back, it's just them talking about it, right?
But they did physically move the seats around in the class to make a, like a, there was
a few moments where I think that was artfully done in a cool way, especially at the end
when she had all of them behind her protected.
Maybe we need to explain that cause that's kind of in this movie hearing about, I don't
think they get that what was happening in this movie is they're in a classroom.
Oh yeah.
And then he's describing and they're, they're going through it, but then you're seeing it
through one of their eyes or all of their eyes.
Well, it's a collective, it's a collective.
What I, what I think of it is, is we're watching an amalgamation of all of their thoughts put
together.
Yeah.
So each of them has their, like they're all collectively painting a picture with their
minds.
Obviously that's not happening from their perspective.
Like they're just a classroom talking about hypothetical events, but to make it interesting
for us to watch is we actually see it all play out with shitty, with a really bad nuclear
bomb explosions that go off and do zero damage other than just smoke.
And I do have one question, well, not a question cause I looked it up, but the, the, the, the
whole premise of this movie falls completely apart from the one year thing.
In the one year.
It's nowhere near long enough.
It's not even close for a nuclear fallout.
It's like seven or eight years in this situation before you could, and then you'd only live
about 20 years if you went out.
If you want to wait long enough to be normal, you have to wait like 35 or 40 years.
But then again, there's a lot of, I think there's a lot of cheats in this because it's,
it's a hypothetical making away with that where he can literally just tell the class it's
a bunker.
It's going to last one year, you know, and you decide.
And then they had to make the decision immediately.
Guinea Weasley and the chickies fucking both say they don't want to do it, but then he
threatens their grades and bribes her basically.
And so they, uh, they each get their jobs.
Uh, there's a, there's a list.
We don't need to go through it all, but, um, some of the worst ones are gelato maker, a
harpist without a harp, harps with no art opera singer, a hedge fund manager, um, a
house cleaner who's just really good.
The angels person, the angels in heaven will bow their heads to how virtuous and kind and
good this man was if, if heaven is real.
And if it's not, he's just a really good guy.
Uh, is how he introduces himself.
Like holy shit, that's a great, that's a great card to get though.
Uh, and so they make the logical choice based on everyone's professions.
The teacher says that he's a wild card and you don't know what, if he's worth it or not.
They make a final call.
He doesn't make it into the bunker.
They make it in, they make, but then he writes a note at some point that says he was voted
to be in the bunker, but then they were like, let's spend a minute alone.
We're about to be locked up for a year.
Yeah.
I wrote that down.
Oh, not in groups.
Well, that was right after he really became professor murder and killed all the other
kids while they were doing that was when he killed everybody.
I love that line of shots to match that many bodies.
Unless he's like lined them up in a room two at a time.
Uh, lean forward a little bit.
But yeah, when we said, let's take five, like we're going to be in there for a, we're going
to be trapped in for a year together.
Let's take five minutes to be alone.
I liked that.
I liked that thought.
Does anybody else like me?
I'm like the other girl that I obviously saved.
They're all coupled up.
Weird.
Yeah.
No one stayed alone.
Every single one of them was just coupled up.
Yeah.
You're absolutely right.
Uh, I wonder if they were, but I wonder if they were coupled up other people from the
other group.
No, he killed the other group while they were coupled up.
So then he kills all the other people.
He then goes outside the bunker and at like a few days, he puts up a little sign that
says I'm the one with the X with the, uh, the exit code.
And they, so they go, fuck, I wonder if that's real.
We have to now wait this, this year.
So they're kind of just waiting guys like right there.
One of them's an engineer.
Couldn't they just engineer their fucking way out of the bunker?
They tried.
They shot it.
They tried to dig underneath.
No, not that.
No, just the keypad itself.
They have a fucking engineer and an electrician electrician too.
He could have figured it out.
Yeah.
You're absolutely fucking right.
They could have.
Yeah.
Also, I was hoping that they would keep showing him decomposing over time and they did it
like three or four times.
I was like, fuck yes.
Well, because the fourth time they had to stop because they were the, was it a wolf
or a dog?
Oh, that was a dog, like a prairie dog.
But like, oh yeah, that was some gruesome shit.
That was awesome.
You can actually see the move.
Just drag the body just a little bit and then pulled the meat up.
Like that was so well done.
It's great.
Uh, and then they find out that yes, he was the one with the exit code.
They're all trapped.
They only professor murder could have saved you.
Right.
So then they run the experiment again.
And in this experiment, they, their cards now open up and in them gives these character
traits such as our main boy finds out that he's gay.
And so now they have to consider is having a gay man worth bringing on, uh, because we
need to rock repopulate the earth.
And he makes a great point right out the gate.
He's like, my dick still works.
Like right.
So I mean, I could fuck, I can make people, I won't enjoy it.
It's going to go, but later on in the bar, he does refuse because he says it doesn't
feel right, which is interesting.
But then the other gay guy does go do one for the team, I guess, take one for the team
or whatever, but give one or give one for the team, I guess.
Um, you do bust enough for humanity.
You know what?
Since we're on bust a nut, I guess we're going to do our, we're going to do our first hypothetical
question real quick because it's too good.
Oh, I found this note that says, I'm not going to play this game with you.
Yeah, you, yeah, you are.
Would you still jack off if when you came, your semen was just one big sperm and afterwards
you had to fight it?
I found that on Reddit.
We got a few more about the rest of the show, but, uh, would you still jerk off if your
jerk is just this fucking monster sperm comes out, you immediately have to fucking beat
it to death.
Like one of those cartoon, cartoon ghosts.
Yeah.
I was thinking, just in my mind, I'm thinking of like a little, like a super Mario ghost
comes out of your dick.
What does it do to me if it wins?
Cause usually I like to take a nice nap, but I'll tell you what happens.
You're pregnant.
No, no, no, no, you're not pregnant.
I like that.
No, no, you, it gives you a, it gives you a facial.
If you can't beat it, like if it wins, it's covering your face.
How big is it?
A human size?
Oh, it's the size.
It's your size of your head.
That is now in my mind, the Pac-Man ghost killing move.
Yeah.
You basically, you basically have to kill the sperm before it gives you a facial.
Okay.
Would you still jerk off though?
Well, I'll definitely pick my moments.
Like, Hey guys, I haven't seen Austin in a while.
Did you see a blaze sperm coming through?
Why is he in the corner jacking off into a safe?
We're gonna slam the door.
It's like you're a teenager and your, your mom's in the next room.
She just hears, she just hears like she thinks his porn noise.
She's like, no.
And then the next thing she hears, you just beat the shit out of some fucking sperm.
Not today motherfuckers.
Austin's spending a lot of time in that airlock.
He goes in there about three times a day.
He's always so relaxed afterwards.
You've been watching aliens a lot.
And sweaty.
And sweaty afterwards.
So that was that one.
What if you fuck a lady though in that hypothetical?
No, just when you jerk off.
Oh.
Just when you jerk off.
So you can fuck regularly.
I guess that would be the goal.
So they make different choices this time.
They change out a few people.
They swap a few people.
Well, except professor still hates poets.
That was great.
Yeah.
He still hates poets.
I love that.
He just shoots him in the head.
I'm a poet.
Baaah!
Shots him in the head.
No, that's useless.
That was great.
I wish they had a bigger payoff at the end or something.
Because I don't think it really had a final third.
The last part is I'm a poet and then he reads his characteristic or whatever.
He kills him before he did, I thought.
No, no, no.
The last one he gets to read his...
What was his character?
I forgot.
It was something like...
He's a genius.
No, damn, I forgot what it was.
But he got to read it at the end when the chick was picking her team.
Yeah.
So...
He should have figured out that in the end when she takes over, he just tells the professor
that he's a poet.
That would have been a good payoff.
You're a poet.
Oh, remember that poem you wrote me?
Yeah.
So they...
They ate the turtles, right?
They were eating the turtles.
Yeah, they definitely ate the turtles.
And they also ate their homie.
They cannibalized him.
Yeah, they ate the guy.
There was another guy that was like, you know, he's a man.
He was sick or not, or he didn't know if he was sick or not.
He was in contact with somebody who was sick.
Was it the Ebola doctor?
Yeah, something like that.
And I was like, oh no, Schrodinger's AIDS.
Schrodinger's Ebola virus for that one chick was one of the things that they had to consider.
Because she didn't make it back in because of that.
So she's a doctor.
She's a doctor.
She's a doctor that got exposed to Ebola, potentially might have it.
So they do switch around.
They do bring the professor in.
And he does prove to have the code.
And he lets them out.
And the code was 73872.
And that, it spells out Petra, which is the girl's name.
So it's one of those little Easter eggs.
She's the underage girl.
He's banging your head.
Yeah.
I don't remember.
It's okay.
They balance out the pedophilia with the gay sex scene.
So I think, you know.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
That was a, look, as far as like no dick, gay sex.
You know what?
I haven't done an award in a while for nudity.
No dick, gay sex.
How does that work?
No, no, no.
I'm talking about where you don't see the dick, but you still see them fucking.
A la.
Missionary style somehow.
Brokeback Mountain or, you know, like the way they film it.
I don't often give out, I haven't given out a nudity award in a while, but I'm going to
say after the dark has some of the best gay sex scenes I've seen in a movie.
It is Pride Month.
Yeah.
It is Pride Month.
But no, honestly, I watched it.
I was like, those two guys look happy.
They look like they're having a good time.
Don't ruin their good time.
Don't make him do a woman.
Right.
That's not right.
It didn't feel right.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, when you guys are quiet, after I say something like that, it really
is going to not sell it the way that I need this to be sold.
Like, like any amount of fucking anything would help.
But I can't just say like, oh, that was some great gay sex.
And then you guys all just fucking silently let me fucking hang myself over.
Let you have your moment.
Let's move on from the case.
Well, I was going to say, like, but even like the like the gay sex felt more comfortable
than the like the normal sex.
Yeah, that's the thing.
Male, female sex.
You see the two dudes fucking and it was cool.
That felt awkward and uncomfortable.
Very uncomfortable.
Yeah.
The teacher when the teacher literally at gunpoint in a mental exercise forces himself on one
of his students.
Holy shit.
The super smart one.
She's my favorite, by the way, the soldier chick with the the soldier chick with the two.
Wait, what?
OK, listen, before that, let's address this at the top.
Mike called me a pedophile for recommending a movie.
I forgot had a scene where a teacher looks up with this whole point of this movie.
And at the time, I thought it was college because everyone thought it was college until
the end when he's like, all right, good luck in college, because it's this like open ended
college looking, you know, whatever.
OK, I liked American Beauty.
Does that make me one?
Yeah.
Does that make him one?
You actually see the high school titties in that one.
Does that make you upset?
In fact, American Beauty, you pervert, actually, now that we're getting into it, has Thor a
birch at 17 showing her 17 year old titties in that movie.
Her parents had to be on set with her.
That's one of the few.
But of course, it's a Kevin Spacey movie.
You know, there's going to be some fucking child pornography.
Like it's a that's what he's into.
Right.
That's what he does.
You know, I read that in a or saw it in a behind the scenes thing, whatever.
That's definitely a 17 year old Thor birch.
I did not know that that I've never seen American.
OK, back to the rapes.
I will not.
But I just want to focus back on before that part, because remember, that was his response
to well, I love American Beauty and that doesn't make me some fucking weirdos.
What you did say moments ago.
Apparently, it does make you some weirdo, according to Mike and Mike's fan.
Not me.
I didn't even know about it.
That would be Andy.
That was after me.
That was Andy.
Not me.
Oh, my God.
That's so good.
All right.
Back back to the rape scene, though.
But before that was so when the mating part started coming around and then she's all mad
that her boyfriend had the gay sex.
So she just like grabs the teacher by the hand and just the teacher cucks the boyfriend.
Yeah.
And he's just like, man, we just keep trying and trying and we just can't have any kids.
I'm trying my ass off over here for you students.
I'm working so hard day and night.
Poor little Petra.
Mind fucking her day all night.
It's been 12 weeks.
Petra's boyfriend.
What should I do every day?
What's the move?
Try to anal, try to oral.
Nothing's working with your girlfriend, dude.
What do I do with your girlfriend, Petra?
I don't know.
Because remember, you're gay, bro.
I mean, we can try you.
I don't think that would work.
So like, I'm going to try again.
There's another five minutes when I'm ready.
I think the best was the spy kid game at the very end.
That was the best scenario.
It was his scenario that he set up.
Where he just left with the six chicks.
What happened to me?
You drowned, the coconuts fell on you, killed off all the other guys.
I thought of that right at the beginning.
In the first one, I was like, I benagled my way to get the gun.
I killed all the men.
I'm like, let's go, bitches.
Let's go.
Except like two of them.
I don't know.
There's like two extra.
So he has the escape code and he gets depressed when she stops.
When he tries to force himself on that chick and they kind of rebel against him a little
bit.
He gets sad, right?
Isn't that what sort of drives him over the edge?
When he's starting to set up threesomes and group sex and trying to go, he gets pretty
out there.
She's like, I'm not doing this.
Don't touch me.
You know, then the fight breaks out and then they stab him in the ear with a pencil.
That's right.
That was probably my favorite shot of this whole movie of just him standing at the door
staring at file with a fire with a fucking pencil in his ear.
He kills them all.
But.
That Jeter, bro.
God damn.
That's why those are rare.
Well.
God damn.
Yeah.
So he kills them all.
And then the students say, well, then he's like, I think the students say, let's try
it again.
And so they tried again.
This time, the chick with the most sultry voice ever, because like she literally it
sounds like she's doing ASMR videos on YouTube.
She goes up, she's like.
Let me.
Lead the class.
I'll pick everybody that needs to get picked.
And he's like, OK, fine.
I want to pick you.
Like, I'm not going to do her voice all the time, but it's very like, it's very soft.
And so she so she picks all the kids pretty much who didn't get picked, including the
gelato maker.
Before that, though, he finds the other trick sleeve in the box.
He's like, wait a minute.
And every single one of these, you make me gay.
And everyone, you fuck my girlfriend.
That is some Andy asked shit.
Oh, yes.
Yeah.
With the pics, with the pics in the ratings and.
Oh, you know what?
I like this movie, so I'm going to make it.
You're absolutely right.
I put my thumb on the scales constantly when it comes to this show.
Actually I found a movie on Tubi that's so good.
I forgot was there that I almost was like, do I pull an executive car and just do two
pics in a row?
But I thought that's that's that's a monster.
I didn't even consider it.
Don't even didn't even cross my mind once.
So we get to.
So now we get to the final scenario.
The professor pulls out his gun or no, he doesn't have his gun.
Jesus Christ.
So she they take his gun.
They give him a couple of bullets to hand it to him.
At gunpoint, tell him to fuck off.
Not every kid that wasn't picked before got picked.
It was a it was a mix match of like some of the kids that made it before, like her boyfriend.
But she wasn't going to she wasn't going to go in.
But she spent since Spy Kid in and Spy Kid being the spy that he is, does some fucking
espionage and he tricks her at the last minute and pulls her in some real James Bond shit,
closes the hatch.
They're all inside.
And the professor's like, you don't have the fucking escape code.
And the chick with the identity memory fucking had it pretty cool.
I like that twist.
I really did.
Because this is where I'm getting this what I was trying to get into earlier.
It's all kind of like a weird.
If you're having a thought experiment like this, is that allowed?
So like if the if the four of us were right now having having a thought experiment where
we're trying to survive the apocalypse and we already know that we're going to be in
this apartment and we now know that outside we can't go outside because of something that
kill kill myself.
Yeah.
Austin killed himself.
Now we have self in every thought.
Now we have dinner.
I win.
Now we have dinner.
I have other food, but we're starting with Austin.
We start cannibal.
It's all downhill from there.
Right.
If you start with the worst shit possible.
Everything's better.
Are you putting Clearmans cheese on me?
Oh, dude, if a wish.
If I had Clearmans, I would save it.
I'm trying to think of ways to make you not eat Clearmans.
How highly you speak of Clearmans and like if there's a fly in your Clearmans, do you
still eat it?
I.
If I see the fly land, I delicately scoop them out.
I'm willing to sacrifice enough Clearmans and I guess give him a Vikings death because
if he stays on that Clearmans after like if he sticks on there and I say and he's on there,
I'm going to smush him into it.
And I feel like that's the best the best death you could possibly have as a as any sort of
living being.
If someone could scoop you up in Clearmans and squish you immediately so that your life
ends.
And the last thing you experience, if you get infused with clear, I want to go in my
sleep when you want to be dumped in clear and drown.
If my mortal body could be infused with clear, it's the last few seconds of my life.
Thank you.
OK, here's the challenge round.
The world ends.
You've been wandering this deserted wasteland for years, just eating rats like a man, animal
you are.
Yeah.
And animal.
All you want is just some clear mints and you come across a body and it's Mike and coming
out of his ass is some clear mints cheese.
Do you eat Mike's ass for the clear mints cheese?
You're dying.
You're about to die at your last moments of life.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm going to consider this as a serious question because you asked it seriously.
Hypothetical.
This is a very intelligent thought experiment, Andy.
This wouldn't be any worse than last week.
If I came across a wild Mike, his corpse was just out in the wild and coming out of his
asshole was who I looked to appear, smell like, and even I'll believe you taste like
clear mints cheese spread, no, I'm not a fucking monster.
Now, if someone in a post-apocalyptic situation were to come up with, like they brought me
to a post-apocalyptic restaurant and someone said, we found Mike out in the wild.
We've cut off his ass.
We've shoved it full of clear mints.
Everything's been cleaned.
Everything's been grilled.
It's all ready to go.
Then yeah, I would eat Michael Larson's ass full of clear mints.
If you just have to harvest, it has to be harvested.
If anyone wants to clip that, I guess.
But if that's the high band, it's the next clear mints ad.
I should put that in our trailer.
I saw that Spotify gives us an option to do trailers now.
Great.
Let's just start with that.
We're not allowed to buy it.
Please stop.
Please stop advertising.
We don't like it.
We're a family owned Christian organization.
I'll say you need our product at People's Ass.
We'll give you a constant supply, just stop talking.
Lifetime supply.
You never bring us up again.
An anti-sponsorship deal.
That's funny.
That's our business plan.
That was blackmail.
Every episode, just you describing a terrible way you would eat clear mints.
That's how good it is.
Brought to you by Clear Mints Cheese Spread.
Available at Stater Brothers in California.
Oh my God.
Back to the movie at the end of this commercial break.
I don't know where it says sandwich.
I would eat it in a mic.
It was him eating his sandwich.
It looked like at first he was at home, but it was his lunch after they left.
He's all sad after she's gone.
That last little part was interesting.
Did he kill himself?
Did he repeat the day?
I'm thinking about it.
Still a thought experiment.
It's a Schrodinger's ending.
Did he just go on with his day?
Did he kill himself?
Did whatever.
Maybe.
Is it just the director's thought experiment on us?
Speaking of thought experiments, though, when I went to, and this is going to be a shout out.
I hope it's far enough removed from the last thing I said.
When I was watching this, it reminded me of when I went to summer camp.
It was an acting theater kind of camp.
One of the things that was, one of the workshops was virtual theater.
It was kind of like this.
You pulled a card and it gave you an occupation and some adjectives to describe your personality.
Then you would just go in.
You can see awesome.
I'm still on Clearman's.
Season's Desist.
I would hang it on my wall.
If I got it.
I'm going to start wearing Clearman's t-shirts everywhere I go.
Anyway.
You would violate the Season's Desist for Clearman.
I'm too high.
Go to campbravo.org if you have a child that wants to do theater.
It's a great camp.
It shaped me as a person.
Well, wait.
I shouldn't say that because you don't want people to think that Camp Bravo turned you into me down the line.
After this movie.
The movie we just watched.
There's much better success stories than me out there from this camp.
It's a legit organization.
I just, you know, I made my own choices after.
So that's that's on me.
But yeah, it's really good.
Check it out.
Mike and I next week are going to be doing a camp summer camp for the city that we that we're in.
It's the like the citywide summer camp.
It's all volunteer stuff.
And we're doing the improv theater workshop for the two days with the kids.
And it's going to be a handful.
Who was interested in that kind of turn this off five minutes ago.
You should have done that first.
Before the recommendation record recreational camp camp is going to send you a.
I'm going to cut all this out.
I'm going to listen to this.
I'm going to edit the shit out of this and we'll put it in.
I'll just I'll add this.
I'll just cut this and add it in later.
We're OK.
This is about the Clearman's cheese thing.
That was just like what?
Clearman's cheese.
No, this is about the mac and me thing.
Sir, you're canceled on so many fronts.
Every commercial front.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Commercial products.
What?
One day, though, someone will give us an ad.
Reese's take five.
We don't give a fuck.
Go ahead.
Shove it up your ass.
We don't care.
I would eat a Reese's Reese's take five out of Michael Larson's cooked asshole in a post
apocalyptic restaurant brought to you by Andy Rice.
What else?
Clean it out with some squash soap.
You're just like you're sending bell ringers.
It's not real.
Take five of my hands and eat clear.
That's the shit I want.
I don't want weed smoking shit on my pocket.
I would smoke Dr.
Green Thumbs.
We had some sort of bonk entrapment through Michael's post apocalyptic weed shop, I guess.
I don't know how many ways I can phrase this.
Please stop.
Andy, Mr. Rice, please on your podcast refrain from telling people to dab clear mitch cheese.
Yeah.
So anyway, they survive.
He survives.
The nukes never hit the island that they're in.
That's the end of that thought experiment.
The one, the spy kids guy, he ends up killing off all the dudes.
He ends up on an island with six chicks.
He's got one for each day of the week and on the seventh day he rests.
And it's great.
He's super happy.
And good for him.
My dick doesn't work, but it might.
That's the only thing.
Keeping them all in, it might work.
It might work.
If I try enough.
Yeah, you make one generation of people and then they're all just inbred after that.
One in a thousand is like what he was saying.
If one in a thousand times works, let's try it, right?
I love it.
And then we find out that the teacher and his student were having a, his name is Eric, which I didn't like hearing.
I didn't like her calling him Eric.
It felt weird.
Professor Murder, yeah.
Yeah, Professor Murder seems better.
Her's going like, her going like, hey, Eric, you're being too mean or whatever.
Like, oh, it was uncomfortable.
And then he maybe kills himself, maybe doesn't.
Who knows?
And the movie ends.
Well, yeah, that whole part where it's like that whole really slow scene where they're like having that talk, like sitting on the porch and then they go on the wall.
The whole time that combined with her taking control of the whole thing, she's like talking like this the whole time.
I was like, am I watching an episode of Black.com right now?
Like that's what it seems like at the beginning of Black.com.
So you're saying, but she ends up being the bad guy in that scenario.
Oh yeah, did you find out a way to, to, to, way of the gunner, the maker into the villain this whole time?
I mean, she was cheating on her boyfriend.
No, no, she's a victim.
She's a high school student being preyed on by an old, by a moving group.
Except in the end it twisted and she was preying on him.
That guy wasn't so bad, though.
He was just doing what he had to do.
She had to fuck that guy.
It was part of the thought experiment.
And then she fucks his teacher for 10 weeks in front of him.
So she's the bad guy.
Hypothetically.
I don't know how you could even clear define a villain, a villainous woman in a movie.
There's not very many of them.
Way of the gun and this.
That's fucked up.
She fucked her teacher for an A+, cucked her boyfriend, made him, let him make him gay.
She was probably in on the whole thing.
She's like, first, you got to make my boyfriend gay.
That'll be so funny.
I just uninterrupted every day.
You know what?
He didn't answer my phone the other day, Eric.
So let's make him gay.
Let's make him fuck that other gay dude.
You're going to fuck me for 10 weeks in front of him?
And he's just like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've got this idea for a box.
Me too.
No, one that we could trick people with, with papers.
Yeah.
He's like, oh, OK, let's talk about it.
She's a genius.
Yeah, she is.
Kissed him with her cock breath and then left and then the movie ends.
That's why he killed himself.
Cock breath.
That's the last scene where she wants him to kiss him.
Cock breath.
Yeah, fuck, dude.
And then it ends.
The villain.
All who think she's the villain say aye.
You win.
You won that argument.
She's also a victim, though.
We have to address that.
Villain is a victim.
More villain than victim.
I feel terrible.
You got all the dicks you wanted.
What do you mean?
This is the most cancel.
I can't think this is going to be the most canceled.
Plus, she's not a victim.
I was going into this thing.
I had high hopes for setting a new like PG 13 standard.
This is the worst fucking shit we've ever recorded.
God damn it.
OK, well, fuck it.
Let's just let's rate this thing and then get into some hypotheticals.
So let's just say that the scale, ladies and gentlemen,
because we're fucking idiots over here, goes from B to F.
B being our highest.
You could go B.
What?
W is the level.
Oh, yeah, no.
And then we have this extra thing, extra W,
which is a waste of fucking time.
Don't watch it.
We invented a new level of hell to put movies in
because we hate them so fucking much.
It takes a lot to make a movie.
It's a real fucking musical to turn Austin into a W person.
I'll tell you that.
I don't give many.
I have every rating I've ever given.
I think I'm going back to Guns of Kimbo.
I think I've only given one W, actually.
Well, so, Austin, let's all start with Brennan.
This is my first W.
Yeah.
OK, wait, you've been quiet over here.
I'm going to break it down.
You know what?
After what you put us through, you don't get to give a W.
You get to skip a W.
No, Brennan, tell us why.
So.
In the mic.
It was very slow.
First tell us, what did you give Repo?
I gave it a C or a D, C or D.
I don't remember.
I think it was a C.
All right, all right, go on.
This movie was a death.
It was very slow, very boring.
This is the movie I should have fell asleep through.
Like, the ending was just like, OK, just all of it.
It was just, it was boring.
No, it was all, there was.
Wait, so you're saying you didn't fall asleep through it?
And you should have?
I should have.
This is the one that kept him awake.
Yeah, this is, like, I just, I had to see.
I was like, OK, this has to go somewhere.
Like, this has to do something.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't.
It, the whole time through, you're like, the teacher's fucking the girl.
Like, you're like, that's all it is.
He's a creep for her.
And it's just kind of a weird thought experiment.
Like, I remember at the point when, like, I was watching with my wife a lot of it,
just talking about it with her, it was just awful.
But, uh.
You didn't like any of the thought experiments?
I mean, some of them were interesting, but it was just, it kind of just felt like I picked up a philosophy book and read the book and now I'm making a movie.
OK, that's not, that's not wrong.
It felt very pretentious.
It felt very just over the top.
It felt like a student film for most of it.
Yeah, I like at the point when she starts setting up the people in the bunker, like the last scenario, I was like, all right, cool.
This is like wrapping up.
I got positive for a second.
There was like 35 minutes.
Because you needed to get all the romance stuff at the end.
Yeah, it's just like, fuck.
The break up.
Really?
Like, this felt like the end.
You know, the break up between the teacher and the student at the end of the movie you were watching about the post-apocalyptic mind shift.
It was actually about her being the villain.
She's like a bad guy.
The whole time I was like, Andy, this is this is this is your love for the past X.
This is why you like this movie.
This is awful.
What do you mean by this is OK, you both said that some chick must have made it.
Me like this movie.
Yes.
All three of you.
Why do you say that?
Here's what I think.
Like some chick wanted you were at the at the you're at the video store, right?
You're with a girl.
Yeah.
Twenty thirteen.
You're with a girl.
You're in the store and she's like, well, that looks cool.
It's so you probably bought two movies that night.
One for you and one for her.
And this was the house.
Yeah.
OK.
And the other one was your favorite movie of all time.
You're butterfly effect.
OK.
You're favorite.
Let's say the first your first Marvel experience.
Yes.
Yeah.
Or your Marvel.
I'm in it now.
All right.
No, no, no, no.
Paint me a picture, Mike.
It's twenty thirteen.
Yes.
Get Lucky's on the air.
That punk.
I'm listening to the random access memory album.
My girlfriend hates it.
We go to Blockbuster.
She gets After the Dark.
Brand new straight to DVD.
The Philosophers and I grab Butterfly Effect.
What are we?
What?
What are you thinking?
I'm grab.
OK, it doesn't matter.
Wait, what did you have locked in?
Why is Butterfly Effect not on the table?
It could be a Marvel movie.
It's just not what I want.
Why are you shitting on my hypothetical answers to your hypothetical situation?
Are you allowed?
Are you the?
What is this?
OK, yeah, it was Butterfly Effect.
Mother.
Yeah, I rented it for the 13th.
I'm not going to buy it.
I like rent first night.
You got late after this movie.
I have one after Mike's done.
It's your first time you got late.
So your memories of this movie are only that it worked.
That's it.
I got you.
And there's no because there is no.
You have to.
You know, you have to do something with that.
This is check.
That's where a lot of money comes into hands.
Say yeah.
It's probably being paid out.
It's always hanging.
Yeah, the shownудь keyboard on this is good.
No, because there is no way this movie is.
Listen, I I would have had I had it at W, OK?
I've raised it to it more, because now I'm looking at it differently because now I realized
that that bitch was the villain the whole time that and it changes the entire movie.
If you think about it, still touchy.
It was all set up, all right?
I think you changed it one
great two and F. I was based
only on Austin's story. I do
like that. I did like Austin's
story. It did make it higher in
my opinion. I will say this
though. Let me let me defend
myself for just a moment. So,
I feel like you guys are
attacking me for recommending
this movie. No, just the movie.
Just the movie. Because I
watched it. I think it's great
for the part. I watched it 10
years ago. Not a good movie.
We're attacking your
hypothetical reason for picking
this movie. I mean, it's a
movie with with with love or
girl. Mine's a little different.
Mine's a little different. Okay.
It's like, I think it's a
little more recent. You know,
like, maybe a week ago, you
know, okay, a week ago, Andy's
at his camp thing and there's
this girl there and they get,
they hit it off and you know,
she's not like smoking hot but
like, kind of like, if she took
her glasses off, she would be
really pretty. Like, if she's
all that. And they're talking,
you know, he gives her a few
Reese's take fives while he's
talking to her. She's one of
the teachers? She's one of the
students. What the **** and she's
a flute player. Yeah, same same
age as Andy and everything and
okay. You know, he's he gives
her a take five. Reese's take
five. He says, hey, you should
come to my comedy show. She
didn't make it. He calls her
back and he's like, hey, why
didn't you come to my comedy
show? And she says, sorry, you
know, I'm doing this thing for
school. Let me make it up to
you. Let's let's go to your
place and watch a movie. Andy's
like, I'm going to go to his
kitchen and he makes some of his
uh Clearman's cheese bread.
He's like, oh man, that's stuff
the stuff I would do for some
of this. Yeah. She she eats it
and they watch the movie
together. She's like, this is
my favorite movie ever. It's
called After the Dark and they
watched the movie. She doesn't
**** him. She leaves.
I'm like, I'm going to be a
gay for 10 weeks and then I show
up on the podcast and I'm like,
my professor says that you're
gay now, Andy. So, you think I
chose this movie because my
life closely parallels that of
the the the main character boy.
Yes. Which is, I mean, yeah, I
I, you, I'm surprised you all
didn't **** because I've been
talking to you guys for weeks
now. The girl is sleeping with
her. I kind of pulled that all
out of my **** like which if it
was cooked, if it was cooked
and cleaned out and full of
Clearman's cheese spread on
Mike's **** Clearman's cheese.
It'd be a delicacy. We all know
it's not real. You've been
writing diss tracks this whole
week. Yes. Uh what do you what
do you think? I'm like, ****
**** Kind of boring. Uh the
part where the part. Okay.
You started A plus. It was, it
started at like. Professor. It
started at like F minus but then
they showed the professor
decomposing over and over again.
I was like, yes, that's exactly
what I wanted. I showed the the
guy get to **** all six chicks.
Yeah, that was good. Yeah, that
didn't raise you from a W. No.
Oh, **** And then the whole
cuck scenario of the professor
getting a C minus. And then
you're like, I'm going to do and
then complain about it. And uh
yes, I bumped it up a little bit
to a C minus. Alright, well,
I'm I'm in the same boat as
Austin. I'm giving it a C. So,
because honestly, uh well, ****
I'm in C minus because you guys
really opened my mind to some
things that I didn't really
want to do. I'm like, I'm going
to do this. The more you think
about this movie, the worse it
is. Yeah, I'm comfortable. It
feels like it feels like a bad
philosophy class like like
that's what it feels like. No,
no, hold on. Wait. It feels
like an awesome. Well, I took
philosophy one on one too. Yeah,
we all have. That's what it
feels like. It feels like I
took philosophy one on one. The
one I took, what was cool with
my guy is he was like, here's
some play dough up at the front
and he used to have him on
speakerphone like on like
speakers around the class and
he had a little
playerphone that you can see
from from either side. So, he's
like I'm covering all bases,
auditory, visual, and kinetic,
you know, people who like, you
need to **** around play dough
while while you're listening to
me and if that helps you absorb
the information, go for it. I
thought, you know, hey play dough
and I picked it up. It just
distracted me the whole ****
time and I I probably didn't do
well in that class. Yeah, of
course. Little my buddy next to
Yeah, deep bus.
I forgot all about, I thought it was college.
In my mind, I remembered college.
It felt like, you know.
And it would have been an easy change to make.
I don't know why they even did that.
They all look like college students.
It didn't matter if they'd have been
in first year students in college.
It'd have been the same story.
Was there that much professor fucking gay sex?
Murders of poets?
But I actually, on a just an objective view,
this would be a fun philosophy class.
If you were just one of the other students
where he's like, hey, it's the last day of school.
We're gonna play apocalyptic bunker.
So here we are.
The actual scenario set up, yes,
it would be a good class.
However, he took it way too far for any school set.
Yeah, of course.
I was in college when I watched this.
And one of my classes,
we kind of had like a nothing to do day sort of thing.
And I had been talking about this,
about watching this movie
and how they did the thought experiment.
Everyone thought it was cool.
And so we did a version of this where I was like,
okay, I wrote down a bunch of occupations.
I didn't make anyone, like I didn't give anyone,
I didn't make it a moral thing
because I didn't want to cross any line.
So I didn't go like, hey, we're gonna exclude gay people.
We're gonna do whatever.
Instead I made like other disability,
like other things that would make it.
Yeah, something like it.
I have a Clearman's cheese.
Exactly.
Yeah, it's like I, Clearman's cheese spread,
but I'm homeless.
It's like you're in, you're done about, not anymore.
So now you just Clearman's cheese spread.
That's your whole thing now, buddy, you got a home.
I can eat your ass with this.
Oh, Michael, Michael, it's not, he's not dead yet.
But it would make cannibalism easier.
Clearman's.
I'm a movie review podcast host.
Yeah.
Pop.
That's your hand, Clearman's.
Clearman's makes cannibalism tolerable.
Okay, so, but yeah, no, I do think that doing mine
experiments like that would be a lot of fun
to do in like a classroom setting.
If it didn't, if the teacher didn't at one point
hold hypothetically one of the female students at gunpoint
to rape her, you know, like that, you know, without that,
it could have been a lot of fun.
Yeah.
So WF, C minus D plus, that's a tough one to grade.
All over the board.
Yeah.
We got some lows, we got some mids.
So it's, but it's, it's, it's low.
F plus.
F plus, yeah.
I'm thinking F plus.
Alrighty, so.
We gotta throw the notebook down on the ground, sorry.
Sorry.
We all attacked your choice.
Not even you, just your choice of the movie.
Why?
F, I know.
Hey, it's not your fault, Andy.
F plus.
That was our, we were defending you the whole time earlier.
It's not your fault.
It's that girl's fault.
It's not your fault.
It's that girl's fault.
It's not your fault.
It's that girl's fault.
You had more hypotheticals for us.
Wait, are we doing, are we doing goodwill hunting?
Yeah.
Okay, all right, or are we just.
We're just repeating, it's not your fault.
I know.
That's what.
That's gonna do the crying part.
That's the saddest.
That was great.
Oh my God, goodwill hunting, right?
I would love to review a movie like that, but we can't.
Boring, bud.
Can't you like all just sit here crying?
Oh, no, that's a great movie.
I got my high school teacher,
one of my high school math teachers
to play that during one of our classes.
Yeah, I was like, I had rented it from Blockbuster.
God, how many, you could probably make a clip show out of me.
Did you say that?
Did your teacher look at you differently?
Like, are you trying to fuck me?
Like.
No, not this one.
Not after the dark.
See, me and Mike weren't too far off with white children.
We're not far off.
Although that would have been dope.
That would have been dope if I tried to seduce a professor
by showing him this movie.
No, he, wait, what am I talking about now?
Oh, fuck, what was I saying?
You were defending your choice.
I wasn't defending my choice.
I was, no, goodwill hunting.
I had a high school math teacher
and he lived on the same street as me.
And so we were friendly enough where it's like,
we knew each other from the street,
like why wave to each other.
But I had told him like I'd rented goodwill hunting.
And I was like, oh my God, have you seen that movie?
He's like, no.
I was like, it's so good.
It's like really good.
It's one of the best I've seen.
And he's like, okay, he watches it.
And then he's like, okay,
I think I could show this during class.
And he brought it and we watched goodwill hunting.
And it was fucking awesome.
That's a much better movie than this one.
Recommend to a teacher to watch.
Yeah, I don't think there's any seducing tone vibes.
Andy, I don't know why you showed me this movie.
It's like the student's fucking the teacher.
And I'm a man, I'm a man professor.
I want you to not focus on the chick so much
as the fact that that boy turned gay.
Like one of those kind of moves
is how you would follow up that.
I think that's the smooth operator.
Anyway, our pick of the week for this week's movie
goes to our boy Austin.
And next week is going to be, Brandon or Mike?
Who's after Austin?
Okay, so Austin, Brandon, Mike.
We'll figure this out later.
Austin, what are you recommending?
This movie is called A Scanner Darkly.
Ooh.
I just finished reading the book
and then I was looking for my pick for this week
and I saw that A Scanner Darkly was on there, the movie.
So I was staring Keanu Reeves, Robert Downey Jr.
Winona Ryder, like a 3D rotoscope?
Yeah.
Much like Waking Life,
which I think either came out before or after.
But we can get into that next week.
Scanner, A Scanner Darkly.
Is it okay if I watch Scanners instead?
No.
But that's cool.
I haven't seen Scanners either, but I've heard of it.
Isn't that a bad 80s movie or 90s movie?
It's a bad sci-fi horror slasher bullshit thing.
Yeah, it's right up our alley, but it's bad.
This season three, the Thinking Men season,
where we watched Final Cut with Robin Williams.
We watched a musical episode out of nowhere,
Scanner Darkly, and then this one, After the Dark.
Just a bunch of fucking thinking movies.
What was the second one?
Red State.
God, we did Red State too, shit.
And Smiley, well, Smiley Face was just fucking bad.
All right, cool.
So next week, Scanner Darkly, great.
Now let's get fucking into this.
Another hypothetical, you find a book
and begin to read it only to discover
that it's your life.
You get to the point that you're at right now.
You're at Fried Rice Podcast.
You're currently reading it.
Andy's now narrating this to you.
Do you turn the page knowing that you will not be able
to change the events to come?
Now here's my thought on this.
I feel like if you keep reading the book,
the book's just going to say that you keep reading the book.
It's like unless, yeah, it's like Andy keeps reading
the book thinking at what point is it going to stop telling him
that he's reading the book.
But then he starts thinking, if I keep reading the book,
why isn't he coming up with a better way
to tell me that I'm reading the book?
I'm going to turn the, Andy decides to turn the page
and see what happens.
Andy's disappointed to find out that the book continues
to just say that he's talking about reading the book.
And the book keeps saying that he keeps reading the book.
And he's still in the same page.
That's how I think it would drive me insane.
He's slowly insane.
And he's just going, book, book, book, book.
My mind goes right to thinking, how could I profit from this
through sports betting?
Yeah.
You know what?
I want to go to a bunch of sports games right now.
A little light bulb, hypothetically,
goes off above Austin's head as he comes up
with the idea to use this newfound knowledge to find
a way to cheat at sports.
He immediately goes on his betting app
and reads a couple pages ahead to find out
what happens in the next whatever, right?
That's cool.
Brennan, would you read?
I don't know.
What would AI do in this situation?
I don't think I would read.
Ooh, Brennan would stay away.
I just, I like it being a mystery.
Like what?
Yeah, I don't know.
I wouldn't want to know the future.
I'd rather just kind of.
Brennan closes the book right before he
finds out the secret that would.
Yep.
And that one's done.
And Mike, would you continue reading?
Well, only, no.
But only because if I could change the outcome,
if I could change the outcome, I would.
But because you said you can't change the outcome,
then it's no reason to read.
Oh, I just killed myself.
Little did Mike know.
I just killed myself.
Sure thing doesn't work.
Austin just kills himself.
It's the one page in that book.
Mike, you're reading yours, and it's just, it's like,
little did Mike know that a light bulb went up over Andy's
head as well as he finally figured out a way to kill him.
The next thing Michael knew was nothingness.
And then it's just blank pages for the rest of the book.
Would be great.
OK, cool.
We did the sperm one.
If your mother and your girlfriend, or wife,
so if your mother and your wife switched bodies
and the only way to switch them back was to fuck one of them,
which one would you fuck?
And would you do it?
I'd kill myself.
Yep.
That one.
Austin, you got the right one.
Yeah.
He won.
A broken clock's right there.
It is a little weird.
It's a little weird to think about.
You just got to kill yourself.
Because if you fuck your wife's body,
it's your mom's inside of it.
But if you.
I'm getting that ticked, dude.
Can I fuck my friend's mom girlfriend?
Yeah, I mean, that sounds like a double right there.
Your friend's got a hot mom and a hot girlfriend.
Wait, is my aunt in the room?
Oh, jeez.
Just unnecessarily in the room.
Just bring auntie in here anyway.
Fuck it, we're doing this.
Oh, here's a similar.
Would you rather fuck a dog but no one would know,
or not fuck that dog but everyone thinks you did?
Fuck that dog.
Are legal repercussions part of it?
No legal repercussions.
I'd kill myself.
Brendan?
No comment?
No, I wouldn't fuck the dog.
Fuck it, everybody thinks I did.
I don't care.
Wow.
Do do do do do do 10 o'clock news.
Local man fucks a dog.
Everyone knows about it.
Loses job.
Family leaves it.
Destitute.
He gets to keep his job.
Meanwhile, the three of us, they find out Mike and I
are fucking some dog over Austin's corpse.
Hoping no one finds out.
We're making that dog hair tight.
Oh, god.
Fuck it, I'm doubling down.
Fuck it.
This is the most fuck you episode of Friday Riser.
I don't care.
You saw my bumper sticker while I was driving around.
Can you see me in town?
Fuck it.
I don't care.
Cancel us.
Fuck it.
All right, you're OK.
Oh, this one's funner.
I guess more fun.
You're at a local Walmart.
And you feel explosive diarrhea attack coming on.
You get to the bathroom.
It's single stall.
You do what you got to do.
When you feel better, you realize there's no toilet
paper, no paper towels.
It's just an air dryer, a sink, and a mirror.
What do you do?
And I think the best comment I saw on Reddit for this one
was, I'm saying goodbye to my socks.
And I was like, what?
I said goodbye to my socks.
And I was like, yeah.
That's smart.
But as someone who has been there,
say goodbye to your underwear.
Wow.
Gross.
I didn't think this went through.
This is just a grody answer.
So at the beginning, I thought it was going to be like,
you're going to shit yourself.
I'm just sitting on the floor.
Or kill myself.
Man found, covered in shit.
Killed himself in the bathroom of a Walmart.
No paper towels, no problem.
Kill yourself.
Brought you back there.
I'm surprised you didn't have a trolley meme for us.
Trolley problem.
Trolley.
Oh, we could have played the game.
Oh, fuck it.
Our first Twitch will be a live stream of us
playing the trolley problem.
That would be great.
We'll do that when we set up a Twitch.
So years ago, years and years and years ago, somebody,
a friend of mine, gave me, and I'm not mentioning names
on an episode like this.
Not with the shit I've said.
They're a good person.
But somebody thought of me on my birthday.
And I think one of the most thoughtful ways,
honestly, where they came up to me and they were like, hey,
I know you like hypothetical questions.
And they gave me a book.
And it was Chuck Klosterman's, like,
23 or 30 hyper-thetical questions,
is what he called them.
And they're great.
And I found the book is in my shelf.
But I found the website that has it right here.
So we're going to do these are like good things.
We're going to do a couple.
You guys ready?
OK.
So let's assume that you're a rudimentary magician.
Let's assume, or that you met a rudimentary magician.
And let's assume that he could do five simple tricks.
He could pull a rabbit out of a hat.
He can make a coin disappear.
He could turn the ace of spades into the joker card
and two others in a similar vein.
These are his only tricks.
He can't learn any more.
He can only do these five.
However, it turns out he's doing these five
tricks with real magic.
It's not an illusion.
He can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether.
And he can move the coin through space.
He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope
and influence.
Would this person be more impressive than Albert
Einstein?
Yeah, he does real magic.
But it's limited as fuck.
It's like he could only do those five things.
Is he more impressive?
I think he could solve world hunger.
He could just pull millions of rabbits out of a hat.
Oh, fuck.
My brain was if you could truly conjuring, and it's real.
But Einstein helped make the nuclear bomb, so.
But we're talking about impressive.
We're not talking about good or bad.
We're talking about on an impressive scope.
He came up with the theory of relativity.
He came up with that hair.
Well, not just that.
With Einstein, it carries on.
It's not just him.
It's then everybody who learned from the theory of relativity
and invented anything else.
It's every invention, basically, from then to now.
We wouldn't have computers.
We would be doing these questions.
Albert Einstein is legit.
Now, you could theoretically plant this magician
in Africa or whatever.
Or no, you don't even have to plant him there.
You just put him in a factory and have him just,
he just pulls it out.
If his magic is unlimited, I guess, while he's awake,
he could just do this.
And they pay him per rabbit, or and hourly.
He'd be hooked up.
He'd be hooked up, right.
Some rabbit factory.
God, I hope there's not rabbit factories.
That's sad.
Rabbits are so cute.
I slow down when I see him driving around.
I don't ever want to get one.
Isn't it funny that we hate rats,
but we love rabbits and they're the same animal?
Well, let's talk about another animal
that a lot of people love that I'm totally scared of, horses.
Now, I like this one.
I've asked a lot of people this one over the years, OK?
Let's assume that there's a fully grown, completely healthy
Clydesdale horse and has his hooves shackled to the ground
while its head is held in place with thick rope.
He is conscious, standing upright,
but he's completely immobile.
Let's also assume that for some reason,
every political prisoner on Earth,
as cited by Amnesty International, woo woo, right?
They called me, will be released from captivity
if you kick this horse to death in less than 20 minutes.
You're allowed to wear steel toe boots.
Would you attempt this, to do this?
I would not, but once again, I'm pretty logical
and I know it's impossible.
You could not, I would, Clydesdale,
you, I'll give you whatever you want on your feet.
You're not going to hurt that animal by kicking it.
No, it's completely immobile.
It can't kick you back, it can't bite back.
No, it's shackled to the floor, head held in place.
But it was a limited time, in 20 minutes,
you're not going to kill a Clydesdale in 20 minutes,
but just boot shackled.
So because it's an impossible task, no.
Let's assume.
Or you'd just be hurting the animal for no reason.
OK, let's assume, let's assume for a moment
that you are capable of killing this horse.
Because I don't think the hypothetical is about
whether or not you're physically capable of doing it.
I think it's more about, is it morally OK
to free all the prisoners on Earth
to brutally kill an innocent creature
that's fully aware of what's happening.
You underestimate my horse killing abilities.
But yeah, the answer would be-
If I was the only one I would not kill myself,
and I would kill that horse,
I would bust out the steel toad.
It's just a different way of putting the trolley.
First of all, the first mistake is,
you let me have steel toad boots,
which have laces that I could strangle the horse with.
There you go.
Steels that I could use to slit the horse's throat.
Do you know where you would strangle a horse
that's a long neck?
Would you start at the bottom or closer to the head?
I got two sets of shoelaces, baby, let's go.
Double time off.
That's the quote of the night.
I've got two sets of shoelaces, baby, let's go.
I could tie his mouth shut and plug his nose.
I mean, it's not pretty, but at least
I don't have to kill myself.
It says right here-
What are you doing?
That's a tough one.
It says right here, another problem is the time limit.
Imagine if you, for whatever reason,
took 21 minutes to kick the horse to death.
You'd have done it for nothing.
Because it says all you can do is kick it to death.
You can't strangle it.
And that question, because it's impossible,
you should never do it.
Unless you just like kicking horses, Austin.
All right, let's do it.
I'm not kicking it.
I have to kick him, it's strictly kicking.
Yeah.
Oh.
Just kicking over himself.
Kill myself.
Let's keep going.
Let's assume there's two boxes on a table.
In one box, there's a relatively normal turtle.
In the other, Adolf Hitler's skull.
You have to select one of these items for your home.
If you select the turtle, you can't give it away
and you have to keep it alive for two years.
If either of these parameters are not met,
you will be fined $1,000 by the state.
If you select Hitler's skull,
you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location
in your living room for the same amount of time.
Although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month
for doing so.
Display of the skull must be apolitical.
What option do you select?
Oh, that skull is going out, baby.
And I'm charging admission.
Oh.
So I'm making lots of money.
Yeah, I would say if I had paid off Hitler's skull.
No, no, no, no, it has to be apolitical.
That is apolitical.
I'm just displaying the skull.
That's a, they're just saying you're not putting it
with other things to make a statement.
Yeah, you can't put it next to like,
I hate this fucking guy.
But I can put a sign out that says,
view Hitler's skull $12 and I'm feeling great.
Are you all taking, are you all,
I mean, I would love to have a turtle as a pet.
Can I fuck his skull?
As long as you want to do it on display, I guess.
Yeah, I would say if you can keep it on display
while fucking it, no, everything, yeah, for sure.
As long as you don't think of any politics while you do it.
You got to, you got to.
You have to be doing it for enjoyment.
Biden or Trump.
It's not about because it's Hitler.
It's just a skull, it's just skull fucking.
I think it would be, I think that you would be fine
with $10,000 by the state if you watched like a,
like a porn parody of the presidential debate
or something between Liz Cheney and What's Her Face.
Right, it has to be just, you're fucking the skull.
Who's the chick from Alaska?
Can I fuck that skull?
Yes.
Okay.
You can fuck the skull.
Genetic engineers at John Hopkins University
have developed a so-called super gorilla.
Although the animal cannot speak in a sign language
like a lexicon of over 12,000 words and an IQ of almost 85
and most notably a vague sense of self-awareness.
Oddly, the creature who weighs 700 pounds
becomes fascinated by football.
The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level
and quickly develops the rudimentary skills
of a defensive end.
ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla
would be borderline unblockable
and would likely average six sacks a game.
Although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible
to mis-accounts and mis-direction plays.
Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear
that he would never intentionally injure any opponent.
You are the commissioner of the NFL.
Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?
The Las Vegas Raiders, because this was written years ago.
But, it was weird because it was mostly factual.
At the beginning I thought it was going somewhere else
and it was all, oh, that's just Coco.
It's just going on.
But Coco doesn't have like 12,000 words
in her repertoire, does she?
It's a bunch.
It's 1200 I think is what it is actually.
Yeah, but I mean like, I know that there's-
The IQ number's almost right on.
I know that we have cool gorillas out there.
I mean, I'm a Mighty Joe Young fan myself.
But what would you, I mean, I think I would allow it
because first off, it has self-awareness.
It's a living creature and I would wanna make
the first steps into, well actually no.
Actually this goes against everything I stand for.
I would kill the gorilla because this is the first sign
of what Planet of the Apes was.
Planet of the Apes, right.
And the moment animals start asking for things
like can I be in the NFL, I'm taking that gorilla
and every other fucking kind of its kind
and I'm wiping them out.
I'm gonna kill every single one.
Oh yeah, you can play for the NFL.
Just come over here to my office
and I'm gonna use sign language to say I'm sorry
and then I'm gonna shoot it in the fucking head.
And make sure that whatever lab it came from
burns to the fucking ground.
That little kid fucking is listening.
God damn it, he said it again.
He spit out her cereal.
I like your answer.
I like how you inspired somebody to join PETA.
I like how you started one way and just answered
the question.
As intended.
Yeah.
I would kill that fucking gorilla.
That's a good answer but as intended,
I would not let it in the NFL, no.
No.
It's the Raiders of Paris.
I believe it's in the rules that you,
first of all it's a male gorilla.
It's a male and female gorilla but you have to be human
I believe it's part of the rules.
So and you're a football fan.
You can put a dolphin in there either,
dolphins or sparrows, gorillas, so whatever.
You're a football fan.
Yeah.
And so I understand that from your perspective
it would ruin the game.
I don't watch football.
Now when I see a whole team of gorillas,
all made up of gorillas, that would be great.
If it was gorilla on gorilla,
okay so one of the best crystalia bits
and I don't wanna steal it or go point,
you know like, I don't wanna say it word for word
but he was talking about if football would be
a lot more interesting if it was played by
what the mascots actually were.
So if it was like, I don't know,
the dolphins versus the giants or something.
Like that would be like crazy to watch.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay, NFL, any thoughts?
Nah.
Okay, let's go to the next one.
I don't want it in the NFL.
Can I send it to the Cleveland Zoo?
Yeah.
Okay, wait what'd you say?
Nevermind.
Okay, sorry.
Bad Harambe joke.
At long last somebody invents the dream VCR.
Oh God, that's a fuck.
That's something I want more than anything.
We've been talking about it.
This machine allows you to tape an entire
evening's worth of your own dreams
which then you can watch at your own leisure.
However, the inventor of the dream VCR
will only allow you to use this device
if you agree to a strange caveat.
When you watch your dreams you must do so
with your family and your closest friends in the same room.
They get to watch your dreams along with you
and if you don't agree to this
you can't use the dream VCR.
Would you still do this?
Hell no.
You have to do it every time.
Every time.
It's like when you watch it, it only works probably
like it has a connect on the front
that'll like scan the room and make sure
your closest friends.
That's a hell no.
Oh God, that's.
Now Austin, all your dreams are just about
you killing yourself.
Austin gets committed.
They all sit there and then Austin immediately
gets sent to the crazy house.
Austin has the option to not use this
and he still kills himself in this scenario.
It's just a movie slipstream over and over again.
I think I would take it because I don't remember
my dreams very often.
So. The dreams are a fucked up world.
You don't want people seeing what's in your dreams.
I don't remember nothing.
So I think mine would just be like quick.
Be like, you don't want little flashes.
You don't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen.
You had it.
I would want to use it once
and I would have people just be like,
listen, this is dreams.
We all understand that I don't have control over this, right?
And you would all have to sign a non-disclosure agreement
before you came into my fucking house.
And then we would watch it.
And if it, and I assume that I could stop it at any moment.
So I feel like if a dream got weird, like if it's.
He really likes clearments cheese.
That's what I'm thinking.
Why is he eating out of my ass right now?
We're all, cause you don't know what.
Tonight, I don't want anyone watching tonight's dreams.
It's going to be bad.
Can you skip some nights?
It's going to be, it's going to be, it's going to be.
I'm Andy Rice and I want to eat Michael Larson's ass.
As he's saying. I want to eat his ass.
I want to eat his clearments comes in a little orange bottle.
A little orange bottle.
Jelly holes.
Jelly holes. I don't know.
That's nightmare peel for sure.
Okay. Here we, here we go.
No, there's a good one.
You're going to get diagnosed with so many things.
I'm just going to find one at random.
I'm going to find one.
If you read them first and decide which one,
I'm pretty sure that's not random.
I did. Well, yeah.
Okay.
Okay. For reasons, for reasons that cannot be explained,
cats can suddenly read at a 12th grade level.
I know where I'm going with this already.
They can't talk and they can't write,
but they can read silently and comprehend the text.
Many cats love this new skill because now they have
something to do all day while they lay around the house.
However, a few cats have become depressed because reading
forces them to realize the limitations of their existence.
Not to mention, mention their utter meow frustration.
I didn't do that right.
Of getting unable to get meow-able to express themselves.
Meow themselves.
This being the case,
do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield?
Or would cats find the cartoon to be an insulting character?
I think I started cat killing business.
If you catch your cat reading,
I'll show up and kill it for you because once they can-
That's the start, right?
I'm giving my cat a bunch of heist books.
You're like, oh, go to work. Go get me, go get money.
Wait.
Give him a mission.
Okay. If he's reading, he's learning.
If you wrote down plans for a cat to,
God, and you know it's crazy.
If you had a cat, if you had a hundred cat army,
that's 900 lives of cats that you can sacrifice
at any given time.
Listen, if you've ever been attacked by a cat,
like when they're pissed.
Oh, I've seen it.
Dude, cats are bad asses though.
I don't want them learning shit.
You give a cat any more than they already have,
a cat can fuck you up.
I don't think that they would like Garfield.
I think that they would maybe like Garfield minus Garfield.
The question was about Garfield.
And I think that they would get a kick out of Garfield
minus Garfield, which we covered on the pod.
Last week.
Few weeks ago.
Was it last week?
Yeah.
It's on my mind still.
But anyway, yeah, kill the cats.
I don't even know why I brought that up.
Damn, there's one that I wanted to do
and then we could end this.
Because I know you guys are having such a great fucking time.
You're really selling this thing that I brought up.
Jesus.
I killed myself a lot today.
Oh, this looks interesting.
Imagine if you could go back to the age of five
and relive the rest of your life,
knowing everything that you know now.
You will re-experience your entire adolescence
with both the cognitive ability of an adult
and the memories of everything that you've learned
from having lived your best year, your life previously.
Would you lose your virginity earlier or later
than you did the first time around?
And by how many years?
What's that Tom Cruise movie that he keeps?
They changed the name of it?
Edge of Tomorrow?
Yeah, Live, Die, Repeat.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, this is your whole life too.
But hold on a second.
Would you lose your virginity?
The question is only about the one thing though.
See, it's not about everything else.
Well, I mean, no, we can get into that in a second.
This is a trick pedophile question.
Yes, but read the answer on this website.
Because look, would you lose your virginity earlier
or later than you did the first time around?
And by how many years?
The person wrote much earlier, let's not pry,
which is a weird answer.
Don't ask.
It doesn't say much earlier, it says earlier.
Much earlier.
Would you lose your virginity earlier or later?
So what it's asking is, and what I think it's asking is,
if you're an adult in a child's body
and you lost your virginity in high school,
would you then just extend that a few years
until you're an adult so that way you feel less guilty
mentally about taking advantage of a high school girl
with the knowledge of, like, you're basically grooming
at a high school level like sedition,
like you're insidious with it.
Like they don't know who you are.
It's like, it's wrong.
Your adult brain is in this.
It's never been kissed.
It's Drew Barrymore in that movie.
You can talk adult chicks with your knowledge of the world,
like any books that haven't come out yet.
Like if you read Twilight and found some 18 year old chick
and be like, hey, I know what happens
in the next Twilight book.
No.
You gotta fuck me first.
I guess.
But I, or is it, yeah, I mean, I don't know.
It's designed for young, you know,
the problem is with this question format,
is that yeah, for most of us lost it
when we were teenagers, I think,
but there are people who didn't who were 24 or whatever
and then who cares?
But like for me, yeah, I would probably be later
if I had the knowledge.
I don't think that I would worry about,
I think because I've lived a life,
I don't think that sex would hold such a high priority
on my mind through the adolescence
that it did when I was a teen.
I think that I'd have an understanding of those things.
I'd be on lock.
So I think that I would be able to wait until,
you know, I was older and,
but getting to the whole, if we relived our life again
from the age of five moving on with all
of your collective memories,
how much of your life would you deviate from?
Like would you go full?
I'd be a rich motherfucker right now.
I'm the next Justin Bieber, dude.
I'd be so rich.
How?
Are you a naturally gifted singer?
I'll figure it out.
Do you remember all the lyrics to his songs?
I'm just betting Super Bowl's.
I'll bet Google, motherfucker.
How are you going to invent Google?
Are you an engineer?
No, I'll figure it out.
How?
You're gonna go back to five years old,
find some nerds and be like,
I know I have an idea for a search engine
using the internet, call it Google.
And they'll be like, thanks kid.
And then maybe invent Google way before it's time.
It won't work.
Like, I'll pull the fire alarm at 9-11, save the world.
Maybe.
Like that's so many.
How are you gonna convince?
How are you gonna convince your every fucking event
and every like creation ever from the 90s for some of us?
I'm joining Apple on day one.
Oh yeah, investing right away.
With fucking $5 would probably blow up.
Be a millionaire.
You'd get a little lawnmower job, invest in Apple.
Yeah, I mean, you're not wrong.
Bitcoin.
Now, okay, how about this?
Listen, I had Bitcoin and it's got rid of me.
Let's flip the scenario a little bit.
Let's look at this from a different angle.
How about you become a five-year-old version of you today.
So you're not, you don't go back in time.
You're not experiencing the time trial,
but you do get to re-experience life as a child.
But does everyone else know?
Or is it like Peter Parker?
You don't have your wife.
It's you gotta have a whole different life.
Yeah, like you're basically gonna re-
No, I'm not doing it.
Well, it's the same.
I'm just making best friends with my son.
Yeah.
Well, kind of.
I guess if you went to go find him.
But I would argue-
I don't think it's this guy.
He made us watch Repo.
I would argue this.
No, no, no, this is the option.
It's saying, do you wanna go back?
So it's asking you right now.
You could go back in time to the age of five,
relive your life from that time point of view
with all the information you have.
You're saying yes?
I'm saying yes.
Fine.
This spirit shoots you in the fucking head.
You now go back to,
so you're willing to give up your life that you have now
and your wife and your kids and everything.
No, you're asking right now.
Oh no, so you're gonna find your wife.
Your life, you don't have to change it.
You don't have to change anything.
Dude, if you go back to five years-
You do things the same way and you change certain things
like, for example, invest in Apple the first day.
You're gonna wanna-
You still have to do everything else the same.
You're, no, I promise you.
You're saying you wouldn't because you would change things,
but you have the knowledge, so you wouldn't.
No, but there's things you absolutely can change.
I mean, Austin brought up steel works of art,
like songs or movie ideas or books or whatever.
I'd write the movie Steel.
But you don't have to.
It doesn't even have to.
That's my point.
But you can also just,
because I don't remember who,
what any sports team have won anything,
and I can't remember any lottery numbers
off the top of my head.
You can't remember Apple.
I can't remember-
You can't remember Microsoft.
You can't remember-
I could tell my parents in 1990-something, whatever,
I could tell my parents to invest in Apple
and hope that that pays off for us, right?
But you don't have to do that.
If you were 18, you'd be a millionaire now.
If you'd have put $20 in Apple.
I mean, you're right.
Not $20.
By the time I was 18, Apple stock was legit enough.
They were making iPods by that time.
Use a different, okay, use Nvidia,
because they were nothing.
Okay, well, okay, that's besides the point.
But would you go back?
Would you become a five-year-old now?
So you're willing right now to go back
to being five years old, to relive your life,
because you're intending to get the people
that you still have in your life.
You're intending to sleep with your wife
at the same exact time,
to produce the same exact kids that you had.
I mean, you're gonna try.
It's not gonna work.
You're not gonna be able to line up your sperm
the right way with her eggs
to get the same kids that you have.
You're gonna end up having different children,
different grandkids.
That's gonna happen, regardless.
And-
It's probably gonna terrify you too.
You know what?
Oh, God.
Wait, this is a different kid.
What the hell?
Like, what's that thing?
The uncanny valley?
Oh, yeah, because it'll look like a slightly off version
of the one that you already had.
But if you're willing to do that,
I feel like it's,
I guess there's a difference,
because I think that if I could just be a five-year-old now
with the same situation,
but instead it's 2024 when you become a five-year-old,
I still think there's benefits to being a kid now.
I wouldn't do that, but I'll tell you,
I think part of the reason you don't see it
from that point of view is age difference.
When you're my age, you're going,
well, and the hard stuff and all that stuff.
So, because I could be gone in three days,
you're giving me 70 years in this scenario.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, it's worth it.
But I'm also giving you 70 years in this scenario
where you become a five-year-old right now in 2024.
I won't do that.
So you're willing to...
The risk is way higher now to be a child these days.
You don't want to extend your life
another 70 years from now, 2024.
No.
You want to relive the golden age
and try to manipulate time to your benefit.
Right.
So, okay, so you don't value the idea of extended life
as much as you do the idea of profiting off of time travel
in this scenario.
That's right.
Okay, fair enough.
Anyone else?
I know we'll wrap this up.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know it was going to go this hard with the paint.
Here's the last one.
Consider this possibility.
A, think about the deceased TV star, John Ritter.
Now, pretend Ritter has never become famous.
Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame
and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.
Now, imagine that this person, the un-famous John Ritter,
is the character in a situational commie,
situation comedy.
Now, you are also the character, a character in the sitcom,
and the un-famous John Ritter character
is your sitcom father.
However, the sitcom is actually your real life.
In other words, you are living inside a sitcom.
Everything about your life's a construction,
featuring the un-famous John Ritter playing himself
in the role of TV father, but this is not a sitcom.
This is your real life.
How would you feel about this?
Like killing myself.
Yeah, I'm with you on that.
That was some fucking jargon.
That question's weird.
Fuck it.
Basically, John Ritter was my dad.
Yeah, that's the question.
Do you want John Ritter to be your dad?
Yeah, fuck it.
There is one, and I can't find it,
but it was basically if you were given a stipend of,
let's just say, enough to live $100,000 a year,
and you don't have to work for it, and it's just a free money.
You get it monthly.
But the condition for this is every song
that you hear for the rest of your life
is going to be sung by Bruce Springsteen.
So it doesn't matter.
The musicals stay the same.
Eminem, it's Bruce Springsteen rapping.
You're the only person that hears this.
If you listen to Beyonce, it's Bruce Springsteen.
If you listen to Event 7, it's Bruce Springsteen.
Kill Bruce Springsteen.
That's an easy yes.
Do you like Bruce Springsteen?
It's not even that you like Bruce Springsteen.
It doesn't matter.
He's OK.
You don't value music over money.
I don't value music that highly.
OK.
I just don't value music.
I don't listen to much music.
I listen to podcasts.
I watch a lot of television movies.
And you also have a family.
How about you?
He also listens to music without lyrics
that he don't hear.
Yeah, that's true.
Instrumental.
How about because you're trying to be clever,
I'm going to change the rules a little bit,
and I'm going to say that if you try
to find music that doesn't have lyrics,
all the instruments are played by Bruce Springsteen's mouth,
where it's like he's doing the guitar like,
do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
That might be kind of cool.
I like beatboxing.
Oh my god.
Yeah, I'll take the lyrics.
I'll take songs with lyrics, but I'll
find the instrumental version, and I'll sing it myself.
Because I've got to get my Austin Bieber career off
the ground.
Yeah, that's true.
And then you sound like Bruce Springsteen.
But only yourself.
Perfect money-making five-year-old from the past.
Well, that was the end of our hypothetical questions.
Pretty much the end of our episode.
Thank god.
Wait, we didn't do recreational recommendations.
You guys got a quick one?
Yeah.
OK, wait, hold on.
Let me write down, actually, cue music.
206.
206, 206.
Beep-boop.
King of the Avenue.
Oh, I heard, I read, I saw that somewhere.
Is it good?
Yeah, yeah.
I watched it a long-ass time ago.
It was really obscure.
Simon Rex?
No, no, no, no.
Is it Simon Rex?
Yeah, it's Simon Rex, I think.
Remember Scary Movie 3, the guy who basically
takes the M&M role?
No.
Oh, you never saw Scary Movie 3?
I did.
You don't remember that character?
No.
OK.
Guy's like a gang leader, drug kingpin,
and he lives a double life, his wife.
What are you looking at him for?
I wanted to see who was going to start the cheater up again.
But it's too, we can't.
It was too much.
Not packable.
But continue.
Continue talking about Scary Movie 3.
Talking about King of the Avenue.
I'm pretty sure it's Simon Rex is the star.
His dad is Ving Rhames.
He adopts him, and his dad, Ving Rhames,
is like a drug kingpin.
He dies.
Simon Rex takes over, and he lives a double life.
He has a normal wife and kid, and then he
has his girlfriend at his drug house.
And he makes a deal with the devil and digs up his dad.
And his dad comes back to life and starts
killing all his opponents in the drug game.
And yeah, it's a crazy movie.
Ving Rhames comes back from the dead
and starts killing all this dude's rival drug dealer guys?
Yeah.
That's not interesting.
King of the Avenue.
Yeah.
Like a indie, really indie, really indie.
But still good.
Enjoyable to watch.
No spoilers, Mike, if you're going to talk about.
You know what I'm doing.
But no spoilers, please, because I'm not there yet.
You're not there yet?
How are you?
Did you not finish?
Did you finish season 3?
I had no.
No?
No, I haven't, because I'm on the last episode and a half,
maybe.
Because of this, and I have a date.
You got one more day.
I'll try to get to it.
The Boys, season 4.
I haven't started it yet.
Oh, yeah.
You should be loving that.
I watched all three episodes in one sitting of the new season.
Good.
Going home, yeah.
I like it.
Watch the last one.
Yeah, I'm going to.
Oh, yeah, he has to watch Gen V, too.
Yeah, that's on my list, as well.
Not watching Gen V again.
But I've watched it for the first time.
Yeah, not you.
I know you already watched it.
Oh.
I was like, what?
I'm not watching it again.
I'll watch it for the first time.
I haven't seen it.
Yeah, and I'll even probably watch the Diabolical cartoon.
I haven't seen that one.
It's the Boys presents Diabolical,
and it's a Butcher cartoon.
Yeah.
And I'm also considering getting back into reading the comics.
I read the first few.
Definitely some changes.
But Boys is great.
So good.
Did you have anything of a recreational?
I was going to talk about the Boys,
but I haven't watched it yet, either.
Yeah.
I'm excited.
I've been reading the comics, and I just found it.
When I was at court, right outside the courthouse,
there was a pawn shop.
I don't know why.
But I bought a whole box of Punisher comics.
Old Punisher comics.
Yeah, I'm sorry about what happened to you
and why you had to go to court for that thing.
It's a shame that you're no longer allowed in your schools.
All right, we're going to end the podcast now.
Was that payback for me?
Yeah, a little bit for all this other earlier shit.
Yeah, you're going to be vague and say
you're outside of court.
So anyway, jury duty.
This has been, well, with me as always.
Would you rather I go back to the other format
where I'm fucking everything up intentionally?
No, that was stupid.
I'm so sorry, everybody.
If I could, I would hypothetically go back and change
it all from the beginning and make this show maybe
less cancelable.
OK, so I would gladly.
Well, this is always is Austin.
What's one of the things?
You look like you're trying to seduce him.
It's harder because you're so high.
I know, I know.
What?
You're trying to seduce him right now.
I did.
I was touching him.
Stop fucking doing that.
You've been doing that the whole episode.
And I don't like it.
I'm sorry.
Leaning in.
I'm just, it's like I don't have the directest energy.
Call him Professor Andy.
Yeah.
Professor Eric Andy.
He's our own Austin.
He fucked up.
He fucked six chicks, one every single day.
He rests on the seventh day, three hours a day
to get here, Farrell.
Kill myself.
We have Brennan.
Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da
da da da da da da da da da shiply up to Boston.
Good night, everybody.
And with us, as always, is Michael.
I would absolutely, at a post-apocalyptic restaurant,
eat a cleaned out, cooked butthole full of Clearman's
cheese spread if it was offered, Larson.
That's cooked butthole full of Clearman's spread.
Cellios, motherfucker!
I almost hit the fucking stop button
before you could get Cellios.
Go to Clearman'scheese.com.
The Clearman's cheese butthole.
Found it in your local staterooms.
All right, good night, everyone.
See you next time.