...
And welcome to another exciting season two on video.
Here's the point so you know it's real episode
of Fried Rice Podcast.
I'm your host, Andy Rice.
Let's get fried.
With me as always is Michael Chellios-Larson.
What, now that I said it, how do you feel?
I feel much better.
Good, now can we drop it?
Now that I acknowledge it.
No, I told you we could drop it.
When I stopped trying to kill you is what he said.
He pulled me aside and he's like,
yeah, I'll stop saying Chellios
the moment you stop trying to kill me
and I'll never stop trying to kill him.
Every time we're at work and there's a pizza
that I know is gonna give him a heart attack down the line,
I'm always like hey Mike, you wanna slice of this
and I'll just eat it right in front of him?
Or today we're doing our.
Oh yeah, well we'll get into it.
We'll get into the special, special,
the foodie episode of Fried Rice Podcast.
With me as always is Brennan.
Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da.
Shipley up top Boston.
Hello everybody.
Oh my God, isn't that nice?
Ladies and gentlemen.
We can hear Brennan.
For fans of the show, if you've ever been listening,
you know that Brennan is our quietest member.
You know it from the fried rice, the rice balls.
You know it from all of the episodes.
This is great.
Now you can hear more.
He's Andy's CIA handler.
Yes, I was gonna say now you can hear more
than just the cops.
Yeah, just.
And with us as always is Austin Drow from another state
to be here today with $200 worth of beef jerky, Farrell.
Check me out at Toys R Us and yeah, it's fucking great.
Yeah, like I said, this is the foodie episode
of Fried Rice Podcast, which will be nice
because on video you can actually see
what the food we're eating is.
Last time we just munched on an audio podcast
and we told you how delicious Clearman's spread was.
So Austin, why don't you tell us about,
okay, we got two contenders in the ring
and we're gonna get into it once the oven starts,
once it's at broil mode.
But the two contenders are mine,
which we've done on the show before.
It's the world famous.
It's the absolute, probably one of the best tasting foods
on planet earth and that is Clearman's Cheese Spread.
Today it will be put on a fresh sourdough slice of bread.
I think they need to understand
your relationship with Clearman.
Oh God, okay.
If I was hoping no one would bring up the message,
the chat thread that we were talking about,
but Mike, go ahead.
If you wanna tell them how I feel about Clearman's, you can.
I have to find it first, but I will.
Okay, and then on the other hand, in the red corner,
weighing in at $200 worth of beef jerky, we have Austin.
Grr.
Okay, that's your cue to talk about your food.
Yeah, I've been eating it since I was a kid.
What's it called?
It's from a place called Jen Meats in Placentia, California.
And yeah, I've always been eating it.
Every time I go to California, I go get some.
I usually spend a lot of money on it
because it's like 33.99 a pound,
but that does not bother me.
It could have been $40 a pound.
I would still buy it.
50?
Yes.
60?
Yes.
No, I mean, where's your limit of how much it would cost
per pound of meat for you to stuff?
If it was 100 bucks a pound, I'd still buy like half a pound.
Wow. I don't care.
Well, I can't wait to try this beef jerky.
Then I would try to use my,
hey, I've been eating here my whole,
I'd use my lifetime achievement award
to try to get a better price.
But I went in there this time,
and it turns out just three weeks ago,
they've only had one kind of beef jerky.
They didn't make a spicy or anything like that.
It was just the same thing for, God, maybe 40 years.
And I go in there and I'm like, where is the beef jerky?
I'm about to have a heart attack right now.
They moved it.
And there's also like eight other flavors.
So the brand new line of beef jerky.
Yeah.
And you bought every single one of them.
Yes.
Oh my God.
I haven't even tried them all.
I literally am going through the packs.
Pull some of these up.
Just show how many packs we got.
So we got Korean barbecue.
Yeah.
And then I'm going to read the prices if you don't mind.
Just so that the people at home know what this is costing.
Like around half pounds.
So this is about a half pound, $16.
Whiskey barbecue.
$20.
Sweet and spicy.
$20.
Mango habanero.
Ooh, $20.
Real Western.
Real Western, ooh, $34.
Jesus Christ.
Everything is bigger in Texas.
This one is different.
It's chicken buffalo wing.
Yeah, I did want to try this one.
And that's another $34.
Honey teriyaki.
Oh God, I'm trying every single one of these fucking things
if you let me.
$20.
You have the jalapeno garlic on that table.
I have jalapeno garlic.
I bought that specifically for me
and we'll all try that as well.
And then of course the creme de la creme,
which would be the classic OG beef jerky.
Classic OG.
Now that is what he specifically is submitting
to the contest is going to be classic OG versus Clearman's.
I'm going to give these back to you.
Okay, Andy, I don't.
Tell them how much I love Clearman's.
Oh, maybe not the first one.
Okay.
No, all of it.
Basically, if you listen to the Mac and Me episode,
the same thing that he would do to Mac and Me,
he would do to a tub of this cheese.
Well, that was his final, yes.
Maybe I won't read it now that I read it again.
Maybe it's not for public consumption.
Well, no, now that you fucking said it,
you gotta fucking read it, damn it.
Go for it.
It's hard to get this into your voice.
The Jews had to wander the desert aimlessly for 40 years.
The only thing they had to eat was manna from God himself.
In this manna, he named Clearman's cheese spread.
Yeah.
After I'm caught for all the atrocities I've committed,
I'm going to ask for Clearman's for my death row final meal.
True.
And of course, the total,
if you came back with a girlfriend for me,
perfectly suited for my autism,
it made me choose her or Mac.
It made me choose her or Clearman's.
It's Clearman's every time.
I choose Clearman's over love,
is what I'm saying in that one.
I would fuck a tub of Clearman's.
There I said it.
But the jerky looks good.
I would, I would.
If it was consensual, if I could get the,
if I could get consent from a tub of Clearman's,
it'd be pound town all day long.
I don't think you want to fuck this beef jerky.
No, it looks rough.
Like rough to, like, I don't know what, how.
It'd just be taking two slabs of meat and.
You definitely don't want to fuck that mango hop.
No, God, anything spicy.
That would be, what are we talking about?
What's happening right now?
Are we having a discussion about beef jerky?
Good food, it's the battle of the foods.
All right, well, we talked about it.
So let's try the beef jerky and then,
well, we got to wait for the bread to be done.
Yeah, we'll try these other ones until that bread's done.
So let's get, so what are we smoking then?
Funny enough, not what Brendan brought,
but then also kind of what Brendan brought.
Brendan, what did you bring, but then what did I pack?
What are we going to smoke later?
So,
the weed I brought today is called Snowballs.
And it's basically a indica dominant hybrid
flour rolled in THCA.
And so it's super potent,
but the one that he packed was a nug from a different one
that I put in the bag,
hoping it would get coated in a little bit of the THCA,
but it didn't quite work.
Yeah, the last time I had this,
I slept on the chair over there for like an hour
after the podcast.
It's not like an hour, Mike.
You slept there until well into the evening.
You slept there so long,
I did my whole day's worth of activities
around you sleeping.
I ate, played video games, I watched a movie,
and you just were on that chair, unmoving.
You just woke up every maybe like two hours to check in.
You didn't know where you were.
You're comfortable with that.
And then you went back to sleep.
It was weird.
And that was like earlier on, no, not earlier on.
That was like right in the beginning of the podcast too.
So, I don't know, just thanks, Brennan.
You're welcome, anytime.
And then we're also smoking.
I bought, I got some new weed.
I have Hawaiian Knights from Mojave Reserve
and I got a free jars, cannabis flower,
which I'm liking a lot.
And that is something, gas truffle.
You know, at some point, we're gonna have to stop
coming up with stupid names for weed.
I'm gonna say this right now.
That we're gonna hit a limit where eventually things
like your strains of weed are gonna sound like usernames
of just stupid, stupid things that no one's ever heard of.
Right now, gas truffle sounds like something
that would be an awesome Xbox name.
Like, oh, hey, gas truffle, let's go, right?
I'm down for that.
But, and I know that it's just a mix between fucking,
probably something called gas and something,
some truffle brand and that's, it's all,
that's what they do.
But like, can we just, when you go buy beer, for instance,
it's, well, I guess there's a shitload of different kinds.
There's different beers.
It's not just beer.
If you buy beer that's called beer, you're an alcoholic.
Just saying.
Where's the beer beer?
Just the one that labeled the box of beer.
I'd much rather them like evolve.
Instead of giving it a cool name,
have a cool phrase that goes with it.
Like, this is that shit that killed Kennedy.
Like, oh, yeah, like that.
Here's that, get you high like King Kong.
Zapruder film weed.
Get you high like King Kong.
It's that, yeah, God, I mean, I'm blanking,
but there's gotta be a million fun things to say.
Mike, give us one.
One.
Oh my God, this is dirt fire.
This weed will get you so paranoid
you're staring out your window every five minutes.
Oh, fuck yeah.
This weed is gonna make you regret
every decision you've ever made.
This weed is gonna make you think
about your high school girlfriend
and what if we did get married?
This weed's gonna make you 37, 50 pounds overweight,
starting a podcast in your fucking house,
inviting your friends over
just for some semblance of belonging.
Just anything to make the pain go away,
the overwhelming, crushing depression
every single day you fat fuck, that kind of weed.
Sounds like the perfect strain.
Yeah.
Why are you talking to me like that?
What I see last night, someone at some video,
and it starts with, it's like, hey, you fat fuck,
you know, at the, like talking to us,
but as like some sort of motivation,
like talking to his audience,
like you're like a fat piece of shit.
I'm like, oh God, that's a brutal way to start a.
Thanks for the motivation.
Yeah, that's why I never start a fried rice,
like hey, all you fucking asshole, see you.
Talking to you, there's the point.
It's a left-hand point.
So that's what we're smoking.
We got Hawaiian dream, the Hawaiian nights,
whatever the fuck, I wish it was just,
but you know what I'm saying?
There's gotta be like, I go to the store
and I know exactly what I'm buying every time.
There's gotta be, I wish they had a scale
or some sort of system so you know that it's
like a light green fluffy weed that's indica strong, right?
Instead of having to ask every single time,
it feels like too much of a,
people can just bullshit you every step of the way with weed.
You know, I think a lot of that came from it being illegal
and then going to medical, and so when they went to medical,
they had to do these bud tenders so that, you know.
Yeah, but being a bud tender, you're not,
you're not, like there's no qualification to be a bud tender.
And that used to be different.
It's all an optical illusion.
There's a test that you take when my mom went and did that,
there was like guys leaving the building crying
that they didn't pass the test.
Failed the bud tender test?
Wait, okay, now I would buy that you have to know
the difference between indica, sativa, hybrid.
You have to know what strains are,
you have to know what terps are, you have to know,
like you need to be able to describe weed, I get that.
And so maybe if you're too dumb to like,
you know, I'm not too dumb.
Well yeah, now that weed's legal,
every dumb ass is like, I'm gonna sell weed for real.
Like, they just love smoking weed.
The guys that probably used to actually sell weed
when it was illegal,
probably the best bud tenders you'll ever meet.
Oh yeah.
And if you don't believe that, watch High Hopes on HBO.
It will tell you that anyone can sell weed.
Sure, but let's not also, you know,
your mom's doing a great job, Austin,
and we appreciate all the things that she's done.
So yeah, maybe sometimes. I don't.
Maybe sometimes bud tenders can be heroes.
She passed the test.
I know, your mom's a hero.
We love her.
I will say though that, yeah, I don't like that it's,
I don't like that, I feel like I'm being lied to
by everyone in the weed industry from top down.
I feel like when I go to a dispensary
and the people there,
they are all trying to sell me a product
that until you use it, you don't know how good it is.
Right?
It's not like you can read a review online
to see that Hawaiian Nights is a good strain of weed
because no one, there's no, I mean,
maybe there's a website where people talk about it,
but it was not this specific Mojave Reserve.
That's in this specific area.
You know, like-
People do, they can do reviews on products on weed maps.
Weed maps, that's what I was gonna say.
Weed maps is great.
But I, once I find a brand I like,
I stick to that brand and I try other stuff from them.
Sure.
Jeters.
I think it's down if we're gonna go like
a product that's rarely let me down.
We're talking, some of their glass cannons
have been faulty a little bit.
But the Baby Jeters, there hasn't been,
I think a single Baby Jeter
in the hundreds of Baby Jeters I've smoked
that have been, has been faulty.
These are like a perfect party joint.
Like this is the, I think this is the creme de la creme.
Well, yeah, there's gonna be companies,
just like with beer we were talking about earlier,
like Bud Light's a Bud Light.
You don't get a bad can of Bud Light.
It's just the same.
Now, they're all bad, but I'm saying it's all the same.
They have quality control.
Then this would be, yeah.
But then you get, but even Mojave Reserve,
which is a good company, and I've had good weed from them,
you can get bad weed from them.
It just, and it comes in a bad,
all I'm saying is that the weed industry right now,
the way that it's set up makes the customer the victim
of whatever that weed company's trying to push,
whatever dispensaries are trying to push.
They, that's why Cheryl over at Marvin's
has those crazy ass deals, because honestly, she can.
She could just be like, sure, yeah, buy one, get two free,
of almost everything in the store,
like buy one, get one for everything.
Because the prices are made up and nothing matters.
It's a game of who's line,
and they're just making all the fucking money they can.
It's exactly like a car dealer.
But it's not like alcohol, is what I'm saying.
It's not like alcohol.
You know what beer costs,
because beer has to be competitive with other beer companies.
You know a Bud Light's not gonna cost more than a Coors,
and you know that like Modelo's gonna cost the same
as a fucking Tecate or whatever, right?
It's just, they have to stay competitive.
Vodkas stay competitive.
Now, when you get into hard alcohol, it's different,
because then it's just, then it's just marketing.
Then it's all quality differences in marketing.
And by the way, if you're listening at home,
here's just a tip.
Kirkland, from Kirkland Signature, the Costco brand,
the guy that invented that, his name was Kirkland,
and Grey Goose, the guy that made Grey Goose,
I don't know if his last name was Grey Goose,
or if that's just the thing he did,
but they together made the formula for Grey Goose vodka
under the condition that Kirkland can sell his vodka
using the same process.
Just don't tell people.
It got out.
So if you want Grey Goose quality vodka,
go buy Kirkland Signature vodka at Costco
for half the price.
And you put it in a Grey Goose bottle,
and even the most snobbiest Grey Goose drinker
would not be able to tell.
And that's one of those hacks, like even diamonds are,
right now, weed feels a little bit like diamonds to me.
It's just like, someone will tell me, this is dank,
it's gonna get you high, it's really strong, I get home,
and it's too dense to pack bowls, or there's too much stems,
or it just fucking doesn't light right, or whatever the fuck,
and I hate it, and I'm stuck with it,
because I trusted some fucking guy at a counter,
and there's no way for me to verify.
Now there are dispensaries that have the glass case,
and you can, even the one in Bud's,
the one that has the smoke lounge out here,
because we have one that you can-
I still haven't been there.
Oh no, it's the dispensary part in the front.
All their weed are these little jars that have a push,
a little rubber push on the bottom, and holes on top,
so if you wanna smell it, it pumps the smell
into the air.
That's cool.
Now I can't smell, so it almost feels like a slap
in the face, but that's fine, I understand for you fucks
that that might be a good thing.
Well I was gonna say, I miss the old days
when they had the giant jars of weed,
and you'd go in there and you'd smell the different jars,
look at them, they'd pull a nug out,
put it under a little magnifying glass,
and you'd be like, okay, that's what I want,
and they'd weigh out like four, gram, eight.
But they can't do that anymore.
If they knew, they'd give you a little extra,
because they were cool, I miss those days.
They can't do that anymore, because now everything
has to be pre-packed.
Regulated, yeah, everything's regulated.
Because I worked for a dispensary in California
as a delivery driver for a couple years,
and that was during the days where we packed everything.
So we would have just jars and jars and jars of weed,
and we would just pack it when someone placed an order,
like order to go, like pack to order,
and we would then run it out.
And they would, that was amazing.
And for me, it was probably the best time of my life
weed-wise, because I was getting $5 grams,
and I literally packed them myself,
and they were, I could just see all the,
I just picked the best nugs,
and made myself the best grams,
and I would buy a few every night, you know,
just for fun, just to have weed on deck.
It's the same thing we run into with edibles, though.
As an edible guy, mostly edibles,
and I can buy one pack, and it's great, everything,
it's consistent across the, they're 10 milligrams,
you can tell it, I'll take two, it's perfect.
Another pack, I can eat five or six of them,
and it doesn't do anything.
Yeah, I feel the same way.
I just got a pack of these gummies from some company,
and I've been doing three, and feeling nothing.
And typically, 30's enough for me to at least go,
good, edibles kicked in.
Try Stizzy, the Stizzy brand, edibles.
Pretty good?
Oh, yeah.
Strong, though?
They're consistent, and they're strong, they're fast acting.
They usually have CBD or CBN in them,
so they're quick acting.
I use them to go to sleep.
That's one of the companies that rose from the pile.
There's always a few of them that just,
because there's so many companies
trying to make weed out there,
there's so many dispensaries selling them.
When I went to Oregon, we were driving,
and my friend that lives there was like,
see that building, see that dispensary right there?
It used to be abandoned, but before that,
it was another dispensary.
Well, it's like, yeah, I bought OGs this last week,
and it's nowhere near.
I need to find those little balls I had before.
Those things were great.
They were little peanut butter balls.
They were like five milligrams, but they were great.
Those Amy and Al's cookies were pretty solid.
Amy and Al's were pretty good.
Amy and Al's was solid.
I haven't seen them really, anyway.
I don't know why I stopped.
Jarz has them.
I tried those, and I played Death Stranding,
and I didn't get scared, so it's good for me.
Dude, that's one of the most,
that game resonated with me.
I didn't beat it, but.
It's too long.
I got lost.
I don't even think I'm halfway.
I got lost in the soundtrack.
There's a band,
and I can't believe I'm spacing on their name right now, but.
It even shows you in the game, too.
It's like, this is mine.
Yeah, exactly what the name of it is.
Anyway, if you Google Death Stranding,
if you go to whatever your music thing is
and put in the Death Stranding soundtrack,
they're the ones that have the most songs on there.
Something about that band is just, it's different.
You know, like, it just feels good.
I like it a lot.
I think it's a lot better than that game.
Speaking of spoilers, you finally got to episode one.
Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.
As a rule, we're not gonna spoil Fallout
for the people at home who didn't sign up
to get Fallout ruined, but they've been threatening
that if I didn't catch up on Fallout since two days ago
and I was halfway through episode one,
if I didn't get through Fallout.
It's been out like a month now, Andy.
Yeah, I know.
I get to things a little late sometimes.
We only spoil bad things here.
The embargo is down, we can talk about it.
I read three books last week trying to catch up
on that Wednesday Night Book Club no one's listening to.
And so I didn't have time.
Let's not talk about the things everyone's watching.
Let's only talk about things no one has watched.
Yeah, the Nines with Ryan Reynolds.
No one watched that this week.
Or ever.
Tooby saw Spike in the Nines.
I tried to join the Tooby Test Tube.
Under 30 only.
Really good name, by the way.
It is a good name, Tooby Test Tube.
Because I'm under 30.
And I signed up and I did the survey
and I told them like, yeah, I got a podcast.
All we use is Tooby.
I didn't ask them to sponsor us,
but they haven't sent me another email.
So I don't think they gave a shit.
They listened to it in the first episode, probably.
Yeah, we're gonna, our first episode is now going
to be the beginning of season two very soon
if it hasn't shifted already.
So the first episode's gonna be a lot better
than the first episode.
First episode, final cut, right?
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, sorry.
No, it's gonna be season two.
Oh, first episode of season two?
That was Guns of Kimbo.
Or Die Hard.
I was thinking maybe last episode of season one.
Yeah, I was about to say Die Hard was the season.
Well, except for the part in the episode where you say,
it's the motherfucking season finale!
Yep, and you know what?
No better way to start.
12 people there agreed with you?
Yeah, I'm gonna, so that's what we'll do then.
We'll have the first episode be season finale of season one.
If you're curious to see what led up to that moment,
go to our Patreon, but really the quality sorta kicks in
a little bit now, season three, which is again,
15 episodes, so do what you're gonna do.
So I guess we can talk about the movie then.
Or do you guys wanna try this beef jerky?
Oh, yeah, the oven's probably hot enough.
Shit, it didn't ding.
Or we got headphones on.
Fuck!
Let me go.
All right, the bread takes literally like three minutes.
Everyone wants a slice?
Yeah.
Clearmans.
Yeah, okay, great.
Are you gonna pause?
Oh, I guess we can.
No, I can distribute a piece of jerky.
You're just gonna go walk in there
and throw it in really quick?
I can pause it.
You know what, hey, we're gonna pause.
We'll be right back.
Not for the video, though.
Those of you on video will get to,
if you wanna go watch the video,
you'll be able to see what we do in between.
This will be a Patreon exclusive.
Watching Andy make Clearmans cheese.
You can take the camera in there
while he makes the cheese.
It's too much to reposition it to get everyone in frame.
Unless there's a good debate point,
I can have you minions talk about while I'm gone.
I could just give them beef jerky
and not let you have any.
No, you guys are worthless.
I'm gonna pause this.
And just like that, it's like we never left.
The power of editing.
Except now we have, well, it's not even editing.
We just hit the pause button.
Yeah.
So now we've got our snacks in front of us.
First, while it's hot, we're all gonna try Clearmans.
All right, so this first one is gonna be,
maybe we shouldn't start with Mango Hub.
Wait, hold on.
Wait, I said while it's hot,
we're gonna start with Clearmans.
Oh.
And you're like, no, maybe we shouldn't start with the Mango.
You just got beef jerky on the brain, Austin.
The contact high is hitting.
Sorry.
All right, everybody enjoy.
And then this, oh, we should have paused.
I'm gonna pause while we all chew real quick.
And we'll be right back.
We've just been staring at Austin.
We're all chewing.
Looking lovingly into his eyes.
All right, 10 out of 10.
Well, would you call this garlic bread
or is that just sourdough with cheese on it?
This was sourdough bread
that I bought independently of the Clearmans.
This is a cheese spread.
It just claims to be Clearmans cheese spread
is all it says.
Could have been a little crispier.
I know, fuck.
I was feeling anxious.
If it had maybe one more minute in the oven,
it would have been perfect.
The bread wasn't right.
It felt like soft bread.
It should have been a lot crispier on top
and still soft on the bottom.
Now, if you went to Northwoods Inn,
the restaurant that serves this,
they would have given it to you perfect.
And I did let us down right now.
I even asked, should I put it back in?
You guys just said, it's fine.
I had to mess with you right now.
It wasn't necessarily awful or anything.
I like sourdough bread
and the cheese tastes good on it.
Do they serve it on bread bread at the restaurant?
The same, not a rolls or whatever?
They also put it on their potatoes too.
Oh, they do what I did, which I, see, I tried it.
I had some at home left over from last time
and I put it on steak.
Is this steak butter?
Oh, that's the way to go.
And a baked potato too, it's a game changer.
Maybe one day we'll start the pod
with baked potatoes going in the oven.
And then at the very end, the sign off,
you know, fucking drove four hours to be at Oscar Farrow.
I take a bite and I'm like, it's fucking C minus.
I don't know.
I do make a really good twice baked potato,
horseradish potato.
I was about to say, the day that Andy's really trying
to kill Mike, we'll do like a fried rice podcast,
barbecue, I'll make brisket again.
Andy's been claiming this about these potatoes
for five years now.
I've heard about these potatoes.
I keep hearing about these potatoes.
Every Christmas party, I'm gonna make those twice baked
potatoes and he shows up with a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I remember I got interested in the podcast
and he's mentioned it at least three times
in the first season and he tells the whole story.
He's like, I'm gonna duplicate those.
And you know what?
I didn't get the right horseradish.
But you know, I'm gonna find it and I'm gonna make it.
I still haven't gotten caviar.
I still haven't pulled the trigger.
The caviar, that's what it was.
I still haven't pulled the trigger to get caviar for it yet.
I will one day, austere.
Christmas 2037.
We'll be in season 30 by then.
Tubi is now out of business and the podcast is in disarray.
Tubi. The dried crackle.
Tubi, after taking a financial risk in 2024
on a failed podcast loses everything.
All right, let's get to some jerky.
All right.
I'll start us off with sweet and spicy.
Brandon.
Did you call him Brandon?
Brandon.
Brandon. Brandon.
It was great podcasting.
Just chew on my.
Us eating.
It's really fucking good.
To any of our African listeners, we're sorry.
That is very good.
All right. What does that mean?
What the hell did that just.
Forget about it.
Here.
Here's Korean barbecue.
Yeah, see, that's the thing.
Once we get to the original, it's gonna blow your mind
because even the guys who make the original jerky
can't outdo it.
God, that Korean was.
Well, Koreans got like sesame seeds on it.
Slap so hard.
This one is.
I don't know.
God, it's very tender.
This is whiskey barbecue.
Wait, I can't eat them as fast.
I know, what are we doing?
Hurry up.
I'm getting through half a sample at a time.
Oh my God, that Korean one.
I'm still eating it.
But it's really good.
So good.
This episode brought to you by Jim Meats Jerky.
Where's this place?
Placentia, California.
On Yorba Linda Road.
This whiskey one is gonna take some work.
That's a tough jerk I got.
I mean, it's a brand new fresh off the press.
Look, some jerky needs to be hard.
Are we ready to move on?
Taste is good, yeah.
All right, here's a little spicier one.
This one is chicken buffalo wing.
I've been excited for chicken buffalo wing.
Chicken jerky.
I don't know if it's chicken.
I think it's just beef jerky flavored
like chicken buffalo wing.
It's white though.
It looks like it might be chicken.
That is good.
Maybe, chicken jerky?
That's good.
Impressed.
It feels like it might be chicken.
It's chicken.
It looks like chicken.
Why are you not holding up every single one to the camera?
Come on, get on it, hold them up.
This is the chicken.
Before you bite into it next time.
Here's a half-eaten chicken.
Uh.
God, the chicken one's so good.
Chicken's good, yeah.
I've never had chicken before, chicken jerky.
I'm just chewing.
I've never had chicken before.
I'm so sorry, everybody.
Here's a chicken.
Here's honey teriyaki, I think.
I got a little mixed up here on the board.
I don't know what you do.
I was trying to give you the smaller.
Everything's been fantastic so far though, right?
Yeah, it's all good.
And it's a good variety.
What was that one?
That was honey teriyaki.
That's the weakest so far.
Really, it might be my favorite so far.
And then right here, you don't have to eat it right away
as I'm handing it to you.
I'm just giving it to you first.
That's a real Western.
Real Western?
Yeah, I'm not sure.
I think it's maybe just, maybe barbecue.
Maybe just a variation of whiskey barbecue
they couldn't choose, I don't know.
So I tell Andy the only thing I could snack on
is beef jerky. Oh wait, no.
So you're saying, well I'm trying to give you
the smaller one.
The one I just gave you is jalapeno garlic.
That's jalapeno garlic, what I gave you just now.
Hold on, hold on.
This is the real Western.
Jalapeno garlic's good.
I decided the moment which one I wanna give you.
Did you get one of every flavor or is there more?
Yeah, there's one of every flavor.
We haven't even gotten to the original left.
There's two left before the original.
We're voting on just the original though, right?
Yes.
Okay.
This is just a fun beef jerky taste test
for all of you guys. Yeah, because otherwise
it wouldn't be fair, because this is a lot of flavor.
Western is really good.
Western's good?
I haven't even tried them all yet.
I was saving it for this.
This one is a mystery flavor.
I forgot, I didn't write it down.
I forgot which one it was.
Mystery flavor.
Or just misplaced label flavor.
Was this Andy's, the habanero?
Is it spicy?
Is it really spicy?
It's got kick.
Yeah, that's the habanero.
No, because I have that right here.
So it's gotta be either jalapeno garlic
or sweet and spicy or, yeah.
My bad.
It's one of the better ones.
It's good.
I think it's sweet and spicy, it's sticky.
It's like honey and.
It's good.
My hand's getting a little.
Mango hob.
Spoiling everyone's dinner.
10 minutes of us eating jerky.
Check out Wednesday Night Book Club
and coming soon is high scores.
Mango hob, habanero's fire.
That's good.
I feel like the one before the mango hob
habanero had more of a kick than the mango hob and arrow.
Mango hob and arrow comes later, the kick.
Okay.
Kind of like our sauce at work does, the same way.
Habanero gets you after.
Best one so far, three and barbecue.
Followed by either the chicken or that mango hob and arrow.
Yeah, that last one gets a kick after.
Then there's a good western one that I liked.
The western one with them.
And then cue the halo soundtrack.
Here is the original.
Oh, gee.
Oh, that is.
Genevieve's beef jerky.
All right, now this is what we're judging
against Clearman's.
The texture's rougher than I expected.
I gotta cleanse my palate.
I'm gonna cleanse it with some beer.
Yeah, that mango's still kicking on me.
The more you chew it, the more you savor it.
It just gets juicier and saltier.
I love it in every hole.
Right?
The more you chew it, the saltier it gets you 100%.
As you chew it more, it almost turns into like that
jerky chew that they used to have.
Oh, remember that stuff?
Yeah.
I wanted some.
And big league chew.
My dad dipped Kodiak and then I saw like a beef jerky one
and the guy's like, okay, can I fake dip?
Here you go, two dollars.
That's what that reminds me.
That's good.
See how we all got dead air?
That was really, that was the banger at the end.
All right, so.
I mean, I think these are two 10 out of 10 products.
I think Clearman's on a sourdough bread
with a dinner on its own as an appetizer, phenomenal.
You have to pick a winner.
But this beef jerky on the other hand,
if I had a bag of that at work and I could just roll around
and just toss it in my mouth on a 10 minute ride
and just chew to some salty, my heart's content.
I mean, that's really good.
But I will say this, of all the jerkies,
the original's not my favorite.
I think the Korean barbecue one
is maybe some of the best jerky I've ever had in my life.
Like that.
So tender.
I'm gonna maybe ask for another slice before I leave.
One more and I'll give you some of it.
Before you leave your own house.
I'm gonna trade some of my garlic one
for Korean barbecue if you'll let me.
Fair enough, fair enough.
We can do a little bit of swapsies.
I have a scale.
Scale, I don't think it has to get to that level.
I've been using this since high school.
All right, wow, so.
We'll leave the voting up to Brendan and Michael
because you and I brought the food.
And I think it's pretty obvious
which one we will vote for.
I am gonna give you good props for the clear mince cheese.
I got my own tub.
So I'm gonna go home and try my own little experiments.
If you go a little bit longer than I did,
like you put your oven on broil,
you put your tray all the way to the top,
if that's how your oven works,
that's how my oven works.
Some people's broil's on the bottom.
But you find the broil function,
how your oven does broiling,
and then you put the cheese spread on top,
you put the thing in there,
and it only takes a couple minutes.
Does it make a good dip?
No, not really.
Practically only for melting on things.
It feels like butter when you're,
it's like you wouldn't wanna stick a chip into butter,
really.
Say it'd be interesting to maybe try lobster crab with it.
That would be kind of, yeah.
Like if you had a hot lobster and you just.
Butter basted it or cooked it in it.
Oh, you're not talking about after.
I thought like after, I was like, give me some lobster
and I can just slap some on top of it.
No.
That's not it.
It's what I did last two weeks ago.
I had like a little bit of a tub left.
I had a steak, one of those little round steaks.
I know it.
A filet.
A filet and a little bag of shrimp.
You're talking to Mike.
And I basted the whole thing
and I put it all, cooked the shrimp,
and then cooked the steak, put the shrimp back in the pan,
little bit of olive oil,
and like a tablespoon of clearments,
and kind of just mixed it all.
Oh my goodness, it was good.
I can see.
And you said you had a heart attack?
Yes.
I don't believe you.
That's my diet.
I can see you putting this on like some bagel bites.
That's insulting.
Or some toasties.
No, like it's so finite,
you don't want to waste any of it experimenting.
I can see that, but I think it would be worth trying like.
You know what?
No, fuck it.
You're absolutely right.
Bakeable snacks.
Except that my brain went right to bagel bites,
went to the pizza bagel bites.
What?
And I thought that does not sound good at all.
Dino nuggets, cheesy dino nuggets.
You said bagel bites.
Did you not mean the pizza bagel bites?
I meant the pizza ones.
Yeah, that's what I thought too.
Oh, I don't think that would be good.
No, actually, no, once he said it,
I was like, no, that's not even a bad idea.
I would like halfway through the cooking process
of the bagel bites,
toss a little bit of it on maybe a couple.
Or get a butter knife, scrape their cheese off,
be like, fuck your cheese,
and then just make little clearments bagel bites.
Yeah.
With little bits of beef jerky in it.
I don't know.
I think Austin got a contact time.
I think you could just buy bagels.
You could just buy bagels.
Yeah, you can even buy little bagels.
They have those.
I was trying to think of an already good
bakeable snack food, I'm sorry.
The next one was dino nuggets.
It's called a toaster.
I've been playing a lot of Ark.
Dino nuggets.
You're just trying to take all this frozen crap
and just throw it.
He's playing so much Ark
that he just sees everything as an opportunity
to build something new.
He's looking around the apartment,
he just sees all of it.
I see some pop figurines over there.
If I play my cards right,
I could probably build the deck of a new house
to start a new base on.
You're not far off.
But yeah, okay, so let's start with Mike.
Beef jerky wins, moving on.
Yeah, beef jerky.
I have to go with beef jerky because first of all.
Why?
Well, first of all, because I can eat it.
Is the first reason.
Take that out of the equation.
We shaved a couple years off his life.
No, seriously, I get, really they're pretty equal
as far as flavoring and all that.
They're both great.
I would say I would choose beef jerky
because you get a longer,
it's just, with beef jerky,
it's like you get longer to enjoy it.
When I eat the bread, it's gone.
The beef jerky's still there.
I can still taste the beef jerky
several minutes after we ate it.
Right now, I still have that salty flavor in my mouth.
I get that because it is a pain in the ass
to make clearman's bread.
It's not an easy, well, it's easy.
It's just not.
Instant.
Oh, you prematurely fucking ejaculating over there,
you son of a bitch.
All right, Brennan.
Think about all the pleasant memories you have
to work with clearmans.
All those moments your children try clearmans
for the first time.
Your little boy, remember he's like,
daddy, what is this?
You're like, well, that's clearmans.
Uncle Andy brought it from last time he was a child.
The memories of his children against me.
They've also tried jerky, Andy.
God.
Damn it.
But, I mean, so, clearmans has a nostalgia factor for sure.
Growing up, going to Northwood Inn was a special treat,
rarely, because it was so expensive,
and the bread was what you always remember.
But the jerky was amazing,
and that is, I don't have to heat up my house
in the middle of summer to eat the jerky,
so I'm sorry, the jerky wins.
Point at the camera and say jerky wins.
Fuck, jerky wins.
I feel like an asshole.
Hey, it was really good clearmans juice.
But the clearmans is great.
I bought my own tub of it.
So I guess his jerky's a 10.
Both 10s.
And clearmans is a nine.
No, it's still a 10.
They're both 10s.
The movie we're watching today.
Is a three.
Called The Nines, and that was the perfect segue,
and you guys, I don't know why you argued with me
on that one, but it is a 10.
You're absolutely right.
Okay, so we watched a 2007 movie called The Nines,
and it is, it's a thinker.
It's something.
It's a movie.
So, basic premise, Ryan Reynolds
is three different characters.
He's an actor who's going through some shit,
burns down his house and is on house arrest
in some other person's home.
He is a writer of a TV series trying to get off the ground
who's best friends with Melissa McCarthy,
and he tries to get her to star in it,
and he's also a husband to Melissa McCarthy,
and he has a daughter.
In the third part, yeah.
And in the first part, the actor guy, Melissa McCarthy,
is a publicist for him.
There's also a blonde woman who is,
when he's a failed actor, she is a romantic interest,
slash, just hook up.
Hope Davis.
Hope Davis, the actress, thank you.
And then in the reality TV show part,
she is an agent that helps him, or doesn't help him,
get his pilot off the ground,
and then the third part, she is a hippie lady
that he meets in the woods,
which I think that's enough for right now.
So, this is an interesting movie
that has, if you've seen the number 23,
I feel-
It's doing way better, though.
What's better?
The number 23.
The number 23's way better.
Came out the same year, too.
Did it really?
So, the number 23, if you've seen it, Nick Cage,
trying, no, not Nick Cage?
Oh, yeah, Jim Carrey.
Which one, I was thinking of-
Knowing.
Knowing, sorry.
Which one, I saw that in this movie,
I kept thinking, why didn't they name this movie Knowing,
and then I thought, oh, now I know why.
That probably came out in the same year, too.
But yeah, Jim Carrey is an author
who sees the number 23 everywhere,
it leads him to find a book,
and then, no need to spoil that movie for everybody,
but in this one, he is, in each of these worlds,
he's told to follow the nines.
As a viewer, you don't know what this means at all,
like, as you're watching.
You don't know what the nines mean,
but he starts seeing it more and more.
One iteration of him goes crazy, circling a bunch of nines,
and just fucking obsessing over it.
I guess the substance of what he's going through
in each of these worlds isn't that important
in the long run, because they don't.
Till you tie them together, right?
When you tie everything at the end,
really, these are just fantasies
that he's kinda living out.
But anyway, in the first one,
I didn't even take much notes on this,
because I was just enjoying the vibe of it so much.
My first note was, that's plenty of lighter fluid.
Why are you still doing that?
Yeah.
Oh, I love the line.
So he, it opens with him using a ton of lighter fluid.
It's too much, burns down his entire house
to burn his ex-girlfriend's clothing.
And then he goes on a bender, and he goes,
is this crack?
He goes to buy, hey, do you sell crack?
And the guy gives him, sells him some crack,
and then he finds a prostitute walking around.
And it was funny how they went non-stereotypical
with the crack dealers.
They went to two white college kid-looking guys
for crack dealers, and then to go smoking with.
Yeah, he finds a, well, he finds a prostitute lady,
and he goes. Very stereotypical.
And he's like, hey, is this crack?
Do you know how to smoke this?
And then he cuts them in the bedroom,
just jumping around.
The look she gives when he goes,
do you know how to smoke this was great, though?
She's like, yeah.
Melissa McCarthy, right off of the beginning of this movie,
already is doing such a good job acting.
This is like a tour de force of her acting, I feel like.
She hits it on so many different levels.
Because if you think about every character
she technically played in this,
one of them was an actress who had to play another role
in it and then have that role become an actual serious role
that she was playing.
And it was her.
They didn't even change her name.
It was Melissa McCarthy.
It was her.
Well, it was Melissa McCarthy in the second iteration.
Right.
And she really was from the groundlings.
In fact, that whole, oh, sorry,
that whole second part of the reality TV show,
I read that it was improvised, a lot of it,
and they just kind of let the actors do their things.
So when he meets the actress chick
who's not Melissa McCarthy and they sit down at lunch,
she goes, you and I have the same birthday, November 21st.
That's her birthday.
It's not his, but he just improvised, went along with it.
But it's got an interesting, some of the choices they made.
Okay, so the first part is him as an actor.
He goes and he's now under house arrest
and Melissa McCarthy is a publicist
who's helping keep his record
from being tarnished too badly from this.
And he's under house arrest.
He cannot leave the home.
And it kind of feels like she's gaslighting him.
A little, especially like when she says
she'll break his ankles.
Yeah, she does.
It's like a copy of that scene from Misery.
Yeah, yeah.
Which now that you think about it, is that just him?
So maybe in that universe, Misery doesn't exist
and he who made the universe in which we know Misery exists
in a different iteration,
he's just using that in a different.
Yeah, you're jumping way ahead of yourself
for those who haven't seen it.
Oh, I thought that's what this movie was turning into.
I thought that's what it was turning into,
was Melissa McCarthy was the chick from Misery
and it was just gonna be that kind of something.
And then, oh, we're gonna do something different
at the end and nope.
Okay, yeah, I get that.
You don't know what's happening.
She feels like she's gaslighting him.
Then you meet the love slash sex interest
from the hot mom next door who they end up hooking up.
And then she.
Also gets her own music montage.
Oh, yes.
Is that all there is?
We're like, is it, my wife's like, is this a musical?
No.
No, not at all, just a random song in the middle of it.
Right before I watched this movie,
I watched another movie with my dad
and it was called Silent Running.
I don't know if you guys have heard of that.
I've seen its brother, Cool Runnings.
Huh, probably was way cooler.
Silent Running was just ridiculous
and there's three different parts
where there's just a woman singing in it.
There's just music and it's just awful.
It was before Star Wars too and it had,
that's like it inspired the droids from Star Wars and shit
and it's rated G, but he kills three people in that movie.
He murders one straight up and then blows two other guys up
with a nuke.
Bambi's mom gets fucking murked
in the first few minutes of Bambi.
He's bleeding like actual blood out of his leg
and he's dying.
What is this called, Silent Running?
Silent Running.
Is it black and white?
1972.
No, then it's color.
Who's the star?
Okay, Bruce Dern.
So the old, you know, Hateful Eight, the old guy
in the chair, that guy.
I just heard Mike.
Mike doesn't have his mic to his mouth,
but he just went, oh.
When he heard Bruce Dern.
I mean, it's, I wish it was on Tubi
because I would have selected that for the movie.
How about a Kobe Benson?
Is that his name?
Kobe Benson or Kobe Benson?
Oh, from Psych?
He's the dad?
He was in Other Things.
Yeah, I don't know.
Anyways, Beef Jerky's awesome, but I watched this movie
and then I watched The Nines right afterwards
and I was like, I thought there wasn't a worse movie
than Silent Running.
You saw this with your dad?
Not The Nines, I couldn't put him through that.
He would just turn it off and be like,
I'm watching football now.
Okay, fair enough.
But I watched a bad movie
and then an even worse movie after it.
I was like, The Nines will be better.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,
we gotta back up.
What football was he watching?
Or golf, whatever the fuck.
I don't know.
I was like.
He would have.
What year did you watch this movie in?
He's watching the whole thing.
Austin said he would, but he didn't.
I get it, I get what you're saying.
And like.
But wait, I get that you hate.
The music, the musical.
You didn't like that?
I did not like the musical part.
I like the part where he puts up,
the only music part I like is where he puts a floppy disc
in the piano and it starts playing.
The piano was bitchin'.
That was one of my notes.
Labeled knowing, actually.
That was one of my notes.
Yeah.
And the worst part, sorry,
worst part than the music-wise,
piano was cool, the little montage is that all there is.
And then I had to learn a new part
of the Mockingbird song that I could have gone
the rest of my life without knowing.
Which one was it?
Like the cart in the bull goes down.
You didn't write it down?
No.
I'm gonna make you listen to the whole Mockingbird song now.
It's probably 16 versions.
By Eminem?
I'll listen to that.
That was my-
A little baby don't say a word.
Daddy's gonna get you down.
Or whatever it is.
Got a little baby.
Yeah.
And if that clear man's bread don't win.
And he's gonna kill himself.
That was an interesting,
watching this movie, we're sitting there watching it,
trying to figure it out.
It's cause this movie's a try and figure it out movie
as you're watching it.
But my wife, sometimes she just pops off
with the funniest shit.
She's just sitting there, we're watching it.
It's kind of intense.
It's not, I mean there's funny moments in the movie.
But we're sitting watching, she breaks into song
and my wife's sitting there, sitting there.
About three bars in she goes,
schmigadoon?
It did have a bit of schmigadoon vibes
if you're familiar with that musical show.
I'll give you that.
I'll give your wife that, that's good.
And Pam's ex Roy is a major,
is kind of a major-ish character in this.
More major at the very end, but weird seeing him around.
I like that each actor played a completely different role
in each of the-
In all three, yeah.
Iterations.
Some of the like Crime Nine Labs is the name of the show
that he, the fictional show that he's on.
Okay, so in the first one, yeah, he's in the house arrest.
And then eventually, Hope Davis' character
and Melissa McCarthy's character,
they're sort of fighting over like who's gaslighting him,
who's doing what.
And as an audience member, you don't know what's happening.
And right when Melissa McCarthy sits him down, she says,
well, here's the thing, you and I actually know each other.
We've been friends for most of our lives.
We talk on the phone every single day.
She said, we've been friends since I've been 12.
Yeah, and we've talked on the phone every day.
This is gonna come in.
So this movie is a sequel to an 11-minute short called God
that came out in 1998 starring Melissa McCarthy
in which she is on the phone with God.
You never hear God's point of view.
It's just Melissa McCarthy.
It's sort of like a, like a talking to the camera.
She's like, me and God, we always just talk.
He's got the best gossip.
And it's like her listening to God.
And then her husband's like trying to listen.
She's like, I can't tell you, whatever.
And so eventually God, she goes out to a party
and she gets drunk and she comes home late
and there's 44 missed calls from God.
And she answers the phone and he's like,
yelling at her supposedly.
And she's like, what, I'm drunk with real humans.
I can see, and I don't have to,
people, other people can see, you know, stuff like that.
They break up.
She has a very bad few days after.
All the like little things start just going wrong
until eventually big things start going wrong.
Like her car just ends up upside down.
And then eventually she starts talking to the devil
and she's like, oh really?
And she's like, oh, she talking to the camera.
Yeah, it turns out, you know, the devil and I got a lot of,
you know, a lot of things in common.
Like he just wanted a little bit of, you know,
privacy and respect from God.
And then he got sent to hell, blah, blah, blah.
Eventually she discovers that she misses God.
The moment she thinks that God calls her
and they start apologizing to,
well, she apologizes to him.
He doesn't acknowledge he did anything wrong,
but that's God for you.
And then that's the end of that short.
It was funny.
One of my favorite Melissa McCarthy things, honestly,
the way she acted in that was fucking awesome.
And so that little line that she says to him,
where we've been friends since I was 12,
we've talked to the phone every day,
is it another iteration?
Or technically that one, I guess.
Or him in the car upside down in the movie also.
Yeah, it could have been.
I know that now John August, the author,
has a lot of upside down car stuff.
We got to watch Big Fish and see if that one has it.
Cause he wrote Big Fish.
I don't remember an upside down car in Big Fish,
but I did like Big Fish.
He also wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Or Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
The one with Johnny Depp.
Not the Gene Wilder one.
No, no.
So I don't know if that brings him up
in some people's opinion or down.
That's a nostalgic question probably.
I didn't care for it.
I'm not a big fan of the Willy Wonka one.
Not, yeah.
The second one's not as good.
I mean, the new one's actually not bad.
I kind of enjoy that new one.
That's what people are saying.
I kind of liked the 30 minutes of bad entourage in part two.
And then it ends with Ryan Reynolds smacking a bitch.
Yeah, that was great.
That was okay.
She just calls, you're not a man, walks away.
I like how he answers, he gets the voicemail
and it's just a guy saying, nine, nine.
I'm like, okay, Ramstein's haunting him.
Yeah, in the second one,
so White Rennie sits down with Melissa McCarthy.
She basically is about to break down some things for him.
And then it cuts to part two, the reality TV show,
reality television.
And that's when we're following Gavin, who's a playwright
and he's trying to do, or not a playwright,
a TV show guy and he's trying to get his shit.
Showrunner.
Showrunner, and he hires specifically Melissa McCarthy,
the actress, Melissa McCarthy from Groundlings.
It even shows her and her real life husband,
who she's really married to in real life,
at Groundlings hanging out and he even turns to him
and he's like, oh, I'm so proud of her
for getting a real role.
He then gets pressured by the network to fire her
and replace her with somebody else.
That and then it all ends up blowing up in his face
at the very end.
And Hope Davis ends up like hiding from him basically,
not trying to, for reasons though,
and that's what's crazy is that the whole time
you're just thinking like, what's going,
why is she a bitch in this one?
And then you find out why and it's to purposely drive him
away from Melissa McCarthy.
Her entire job is to take him away from Melissa McCarthy.
So in the first one, when he was gonna be friends with her,
she started sleeping with them.
In the second one, when he hired her to be in his show,
that would have put them in close proximity the whole time,
she ends up getting him by using this like
fictional Roger guy or whatever.
She ends up getting her shit can
and breaking up their friendship.
And then the third one, she literally leads him away from
the car in which Melissa McCarthy's in and then drugs him.
That's right, she's the wife in the third one.
That's Melissa McCarthy's the wife.
Yeah, cause that's when he's married to Melissa McCarthy.
And the reason that we get for all of this is,
so I guess in the second one, the failed pilot,
when he ends up finding Hope Davis,
it does have one of the best seats where Brian Reynolds
legitimately just loses his shit or the character
and he pops her in the face, just pops,
like not an aggressive to knock her out,
but just like a fuck you and he just hits her out of anger.
That might've even been improvised.
Yeah, I just started laughing.
Like it was a pretty good pop.
There wasn't Andy in that part, Andy Fielder.
What's that?
He's the guy that was in the test group and I'm like,
there's Andy, there's Andy's character.
Every time there's an Andy in a movie, I gotta find it out.
Oh, okay, cause I was just, I thought you literally
right now were just like, well, he popped a chick
in the face, that's your Andy moment for the day.
Like I'm just out there smacking bitches.
That's a Mike and Austin moment.
Also, are the women the villain in this?
Yeah.
Wait.
Definitely, yes.
No, no, neither one is a villain.
So then in the third act we get to,
it's the show, it's the pilot for the show that he wrote,
Knowing, in which a mother and her husband
and her daughter drive out to the forest
and get stranded while he leaves
and then they're stuck behind
and the mute daughter says something to her, right?
It's a big like reveal and it scares the shit out.
So that's what happens in the pilot of the show.
But then it's like, we're treating this as if it's now
like a real thing that's going on.
Did the little girl bug you throughout the whole movie?
We really wanted to know what she was saying.
I wish they'd have used some subtitles there
because I don't know, I mean,
I wish I knew what she was saying.
I think the whole point of it was to sell the,
when she actually says something.
And I know that it undercuts it
because we see that in the pilot,
when they're shooting the pilot,
we see the note of let's make her talk or whatever.
But in the actual moment that would have been,
like if we didn't understand a word she was saying,
but then she turned and said, he's not coming back.
Like that would be pretty powerful in a TV show, I think,
without having to know.
So I don't think, I wasn't upset by the choice.
I didn't need to know what she was saying.
She was saying, help, where's dad?
Well, no, I met throughout all of it,
through the whole first two parts, she didn't have,
she had lots of dialogue, but it wasn't dialogue.
It wasn't out loud.
She would talk to them.
She didn't have a lot of dialogue, not anything important.
She was just- More than 40 lines.
Okay, maybe.
I wasn't paying attention to that.
I just, anytime I saw her, I was just like, you know,
whatever this means, dad, whatever.
I don't know, I don't know sign language.
Really unnecessary burn on Polly Shore in this movie?
They're doing a-
There's no such thing as an unnecessary burn
on Polly Shore.
They're all necessary.
That was, that was, they could have at least saved it.
Like, hey, he's not, they're playing, what was it?
What game is that?
Whose mother invented improv and is it,
who's a failed comic?
Bad comedian whose mom owns the comedy store.
And they're like, oh, Polly Shore.
No, they didn't say owns the comedy store.
I think she's, they said like invented improv.
I think it was like wrong or something.
No, I don't know.
Maybe it did.
Oh, Polly Shore.
And like, okay, all right, cool.
Fuck Polly Shore, I guess.
This movie just had a point to make.
They could have won one person.
Hey, he's not bad.
Oh, whatever, you know, and just moved on.
I mean, that could have been like the director
or Melissa McCarthy had an issue with Polly Shore
or something.
Yeah, I mean, if you're at the-
If you're at Groundlings Theater, you're right across,
I mean, you're basically down the street
or near the comedy store, so.
And I'm guessing that was actually them
having fun with Polly Shore.
I hope.
They're not.
You want me to hold the microphone up too for that?
No, but I thought we had a conversation last week
that when Andy puts his mic down for a second,
we don't all just shut the fuck up for a moment.
We always put it down when it's your about the time.
It's your turn.
No, I don't.
We all said something.
I put something down when you guys are talking.
And we all said something.
It was like your turn.
And so he grabs the mic and lights it.
I learned a new term.
I've heard of Skinny Max.
I've never heard of Spray Preview.
Spray Preview was a good one.
That was a good one.
I like that.
Oh, my last three notes on this movie.
He's a fucking Sim?
Melissa isn't helping.
Part three, fuck.
Okay.
I'm not watching Extra Guy now.
I'm only watching Deadpool if it's a Ryan Riddle movie.
So we get the reveal from Hope Davis's character.
And she says, I've been trying to keep you
from Melissa McCarthy because you love her too much.
In every iteration, she's your favorite person.
She's keeping you here.
You are a nine.
In the universe, there are one through 10.
And eights, and then he's like, sevens are humans.
Sixes are monkeys.
He says, what's an eight?
She says koala bears, they're telepathic.
I thought that was a fun line.
It was funny, yeah.
And he's a nine.
Basically a god.
If there's a 10, they don't know about it.
They just, theoretically there might be a 10,
but they don't know.
They don't even address that.
But she was also a nine.
She's a nine.
I thought she was a different number.
No, she has a X instead of.
No, it was interesting because hers wasn't a number.
It was Roman numerals.
So was his.
Yeah, his is Roman.
But no one else's was.
I'm pretty sure if Roy and the prostitute chick
had probably Roman numeral nines on them too.
We just didn't see them.
But I think every nine would be.
You think the prostitute chick was a nine?
Absolutely.
At the very end, you see,
like Roy's character and the prostitute chick
were both there to help Hope Davis.
She was the one doing the face-to-face contact,
but Roy was always there setting up the,
like he set up the security system.
He criticized the show or whatever.
Like he was there for that.
He also, well, he wasn't really the third one.
He just popped it at the end to help.
But it's so, Ryan Reynolds being a nine
means that he's God.
And he, every universe of these three universes
are just three separate iterations of him existing
simultaneously, maybe before and after for who knows how long.
See, I did not get that they were separate.
Oh, so you think he's three different entities
on the same earth existing at the same time?
Well, I don't know that all three actually exist.
No, I think all three exist.
That's the whole point.
He's God.
He makes these, like he literally makes these universes
on a whim and then destroys them when he leaves.
So.
He said he did 90 at the end.
He had 90 iterations before he got to the one
that he was in then.
So I don't think.
And it killed millions of people.
I got all that.
What I'm saying is that in this movie, these three,
I don't think we're separate because otherwise,
if what you're saying is true,
then the last scene would not have happened.
No, I think.
Because it would have destroyed the universe.
No, what happened was.
When he left.
He reset.
First universe, when he got,
the first universe he steps outside of the.
The line, yes.
So that universe is gone.
Okay.
Second universe, he gets pushed away from Melissa McCarthy.
The entire project fails.
And then when he yells at the camera to leave him alone
and she goes, what camera?
That's when that earth shatters in his mind.
Next universe iteration is the third one.
And the third one is basically what he was already
half creating in the pilot of knowing.
He jumps into that universe, creates that.
And that's the one that finally is enough
for Hope Davis to get him alone.
I think you said the key word to me.
And what we're, where we're differing on this
is very simple.
Shattering in his mind.
I think that's the key to it.
Well, you don't think he's God?
No, I do not think he's God.
You think he's a crazy person?
No, I think he's a,
I think he's you when you write a joke
and then you decide you don't like it and you shatter.
Okay, I have to talk into the mic.
When you shatter that, it's gone.
When you write a joke, as a writer,
you're creating a universe.
Every time you write something or create anything,
you're creating that universe.
When you decide it's done, it's done.
Okay, but then what, if I was God though.
But you're not, you're the God of that universe.
You're the God of whatever you create.
That's the God of, that's all this is, is he,
is it?
I'm saying he's not a literal God, he's a writer.
No, I don't think he's a, I don't think so.
I think he's, I think he's a, they say it.
He's an interplanetary, you see him fly off
in the distance with his homies at the end.
Like he's an interdimensional God-like being
that can at will create a,
because they even said that you don't have the human words
or human thoughts to even understand what we are.
I'm not saying that's not what he was writing.
I'm not, I don't think this is writing, I think.
Oh, okay, so from your perspective,
it would be the second part is the real one.
That's why it's reality TV.
And when he ends up finishing this series,
the main actor played by himself would be-
Ceases to exist.
Or he's told by a woman that he meets next door
has Hope Davis's actress play the part that he's told.
So the last part then would just be a fictional thing
that we're watching, an in-universe movie or TV show
is what you're saying.
The last one is the pilot of knowing.
Right.
He modeled the character after himself.
He got a dude that looks just like him
that starred in crime nine labs or whatever
to star as the guy,
the guy who just burned all of his girlfriend's shit,
hires him to play the episode of knowing
with Melissa McCarthy, gets her back
after all the fucking shit goes down,
after he loses that other actress.
That's a theory that is strong-ish,
but I like to take it at face value
where he's literally a ninth dimensional being.
Right.
He can create worlds and this is the 90th iteration
and he's finally told that,
well, and he's finally pulled out of it
because, and then what I love is that final little moment
where he's with Melissa McCarthy
and he puts his girl to bed
and she knows he's about to leave
and they have a very frank conversation
where he's like, yeah, this is,
I don't know what's gonna happen.
Worst case scenario, everyone just ceases to exist,
it's painful, it's like a fiery void,
whatever, like hole, but then I love that the end end
is the iteration he leaves the earth with
is the one we kind of live in right now.
Right.
We live in the one where Melissa McCarthy
is a successful actress who's married to that guy,
but the only thing that's different
is that girl's not her daughter.
So it's technically not our universe.
So, but I like that it sorta went that direction
and I like that Melissa McCarthy got a happy ending
and I like that Ryan Reynolds went off with his homies
to that place that we see in the very beginning
where he's wrapping that green thing around,
that warm white space,
and he's putting that green band around
which allows him to kind of forget
and be seamlessly in the earth
and when he rips it off with his teeth,
which is the fucking poster of the movie,
the final kind of scene that you see of him
is ripping that thing off,
which is crazy that they put that as the poster,
as the final scene of Ryan Reynolds.
Anyway, I like the theory of being God
and that all of you are just figments of my God-like
imagination and that all of this will just cease to be
when I move on to my next interplanetary adventure.
See, I think that's what I'm saying is that
if that was the reality of this movie,
then it's a different movie
than I feel like they were going for.
I think they were going for making you realize
that when you create something, you're in charge of it.
I'm gonna have to disagree with you.
I think this was a science fiction movie
disguised as a light psychological thriller
with humor and a lot of what the fuck
is going on in the movie.
And it ends up having, I think,
a pretty satisfying conclusion.
It's a little silly.
It sort of reminds me of the end of Circle,
I think it's called, on Netflix,
where, well, I won't, you know,
gotta just stop ruining movies for people, but anyway.
Yeah, that's my takeaway is that it was a cool
science fiction vibe, cool ending, I liked it.
I love this theory, great acting all around.
And when he learns that he's God, the aspect ratio
gets really, really, really, really tiny on his face
and then snaps to the knowing, which I thought was cool.
At one point, did you think it was gonna be
a video game creator who'd just gotten high?
It was like, this is my world, I'll do what I want.
They kinda gave it that feeling at a couple of points.
They literally even shrunk down into a video game screen
at one point.
Yeah, I mean, I think that he was trying to fuck with us
the whole time, the director, the writer, John August,
who did Big Fish, which is a great movie.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, go ahead.
I was gonna say, I probably, I can sum it up like this.
Basically, the movie says we're all our own gods
making our own decisions.
It's a lot like a first year philosophy class.
Felt like a lot of it was stuff
that I learned in college and philosophy class
that was, it's high concept,
but ultimately, this movie's kinda pointless.
It doesn't really take a point of view ever.
It's literally saying the point of view
is whatever you want it to be.
You're the god, you're the creator, you created something.
It's like a Rick and Morty episode.
It's like nothing they did in that episode
matters in the long term, but he went on an adventure.
We're basically just watching a god go on vacation
and then at the end being told,
that's been long enough, 4,000 years has been enough, bro.
It's time to come back and be a
ninth dimensional alien being.
I don't know.
It feels self satisfying in the end.
The movie, it's weird because it's one of those movies
that was enjoyable to watch.
I didn't like sit there and go,
I hate this movie as I was going through it.
Austin.
But I got to the end and I went,
why the hell did I watch this?
What was the point?
It's just telling me to decide whatever I wanted to decide.
That's what this movie does.
It just goes through a whole movie
with all this self satisfying, great acting,
some humorous stuff,
but in the end, this movie's not about anything.
Well, the director, the second part, the reality TV show,
he based that on his failed TV show that he made called DC.
And so a lot of that was him just kind of maybe
like critiquing Hollywood.
So like the second part was a critique.
I feel like the whole movie is a critique of Hollywood.
It's like an exploration of fate, maybe.
Because I know they mentioned at one point that,
like I think you're trapped by fate.
I thought some person said something about fate
and I was just like, but that's not right
because he's creating all of this,
but maybe his fate is to leave this place
and that's always going to be his fate
is because he can't stay there forever.
But I take it as face value, at face value.
It's 100% just a God on vacation type of movie,
shenanigans, you know, just he,
but the shenanigans this God wants,
because I would imagine that any God
who would want to live on earth
would want to have the full range of emotions,
the whole spectrum.
They'd want to feel heartbreak and laughter and pity
and sadness and anger,
because otherwise you're not getting the full scope
of the human experience.
And so if you're going to be a God,
yeah, I would imagine one is a breakup.
One is a failure.
One is a happy family man who gets separated with fear.
Well, except for once again,
going back to the philosophy stuff
that kind of defines against the existence of God,
because it's a God wouldn't need to feel those things.
I don't know.
I think-
A God would not feel by definition.
I, when I play the Sims, I don't,
I mean, the Sims is pretty basic,
but if they had a more complex version of the Sims
and I saw my characters really becoming friends
with each other, like-
Like the AI reality, this movie could be-
Yeah, but maybe I would want to experience
what they're experiencing.
I think people play video games a lot
to vicariously experience what the characters are experiencing.
Like I'm playing Kingdom Hearts-
Yeah, but people aren't God.
You are when you're playing a video game.
I mean-
No, you're still going to have the different emotions
and the different things that, by definition,
God does not have.
I mean, play Sim City.
Your argument, that doesn't make any sense.
What do you mean?
Well, the God of the-
You gotta keep this at-
Of the gods, that God, whatever God it is,
has no problem with killing millions of people.
For example, even in this movie, they talk about that.
Oh, I killed millions of people.
I just, they cease to exist, whatever.
He doesn't care.
Yeah.
That's the point.
So it's not living by-
That's like the Bible God.
You can't say, no, it's also the God of this movie.
Yeah.
He says, every time he creates, eliminates them,
he doesn't care.
It's not like it matters to him.
No, he, the opposite.
He says he feels bad when those billions die.
Like he said he-
But I do it again anyway.
He says, he's like, and you don't think that I,
and he's like, and you don't think that I know
that they're hurting, that they feel the pain,
or that like, you don't think that I feel that?
Like I do, but he's a God.
Of course, it doesn't matter on the grand scheme of things.
If you create, if I popped all of you into existence,
and then I, but I'm an interdimensional infinite being
that's going to exist for time that you guys
can't even understand the concept of as humans.
And-
My point is if that's your emotional level,
then you don't care about having a wife.
That's, that's so minor in that scale.
No, because-
Having the experience of having a wife would mean nothing.
It's like creating a video game and not playing it.
It's like creating a, it's like this dude creates
his own video game.
You mean like those AFK games?
No, no, I'm talking about like this guy creates a universe,
a fully lived in breathing universe, a world full of life
that he created on a whim.
And he allowed himself to be surprised by life.
And he allowed himself to feel the range of human emotions
that he created the concept of human emotions.
So like that's, I mean, that's why I created
in the first place if you're not going to enjoy it.
It's like why, so if you're a God-
The same reason you don't feel anything
when you step on an ant.
I feel, I mean, I don't-
Right, exactly.
But-
The wife would be the ant in this scenario.
No.
The wife in this scenario is the ant.
That's my point.
No, here's the point.
If I could transform myself into an ant
and knowing I was an ant and I could just allow myself
to ant it up for a little bit,
then I would want to just like all the other ants,
go do some worker ant shit, meet the queen,
dig some holes, right?
I would want the full ant experience because I-
That's what makes you not a God.
That's my point.
No, that's the opposite of it.
If he created an ant farm of humans
and he wants to pretend to be an ant,
but once he leaves, it doesn't matter
because like who cares about the ants when you're gone?
Like he doesn't care about the humans
because he is an interdimensional being
that is going to create more iterations of earth
if he wants to.
That's the whole, but you're defining what I'm saying.
It doesn't matter.
What are we arguing then?
Okay.
You're saying that he wants to feel the experiences
with the, he loves Melissa McCarthy too much in this movie.
He says it to her.
Okay, if she's an ant, he wouldn't.
That's the point.
Once she's gone, she's gone, fuck it, who cares?
Like you just said about the ants.
To a God, Melissa McCarthy would be an ant.
Every iteration he made,
he's made her a primary part of her life, of his life.
So he's made 90 iterations.
I bet in every single one of them,
there's been Melissa McCarthy,
or at least some of them have been Melissa McCarthy,
and he's made it up.
But to do that, you have to in your own mind,
take the leap that this God is creating
every individual person on earth to fit his needs.
I mean, I would, if I'm imagine if you can create,
if you can create the earth and humans,
then I don't see why the limit of power wouldn't extend to,
like if I could create earth and all the mountains
and all the seas and all the, every animal, right?
Boom, in an instant.
Why would it be any more difficult
to then individually create eight billion people
in an instant?
Because if you have that much power,
you have that much power.
It seems like it's pretty infinite amount of God-like power.
So like, I don't see him,
I think he very much can make a specific earth
in the blink of an eye, 90 iterations in,
he's not perfect, he's not claiming he's infallible,
he makes mistakes, but he wants Melissa McCarthy
and all of them, or at least the last four,
or the last three or four, because he loves her.
And he's just, she's his favorite.
And four because of the God short.
So, I don't know.
But I do, I think, yeah, he's just trying to experience life,
the life that he created, he wants to experience it.
Did you get that out of this movie?
All I'm thinking is maybe I need to stop watching the movie
the night before the podcast,
because I'm like, it's four o'clock in the morning,
I'm starting the movie and I'm like, shit,
I'm not gonna sleep.
I ended up renting it on Prime,
because I was like, I don't wanna add
another 45 minutes of ads.
Which Tubi does not do.
Tubi does, yeah, I love Tubi, but yeah.
They're pretty good about ads, I will give them that.
They're pretty good.
I think there were like four or five minutes of ads
in the whole movie.
I don't want no ads.
I don't got time for that.
Unless if it's a good movie, then it's like,
okay, I could keep myself up for it.
I mean, it had its interesting moments.
It mostly had me thinking he was either
hallucinating people, it was either a drug psychosis,
or a stress-induced psychosis in part two.
That's kind of where my mind was going.
And then, yeah, it took that turn where he's now God.
And I was just like, okay, that's interesting,
but I mean, I don't know.
Not my favorite.
Ugh, Austin.
I just kept thinking of better ways they could have done
the movie, like better situations.
Like it could have been about, you know,
he could have still done everything,
but it could have been he's a writer,
and he's like entering these stories as himself.
It could have been maybe he's a video game designer,
and this is a game that he made that he's addicted to.
It could have been the same exact plot of the movie,
except that there was some kind of risk
that he needed to take in order to like save
Melissa McCarthy, or they're telling him like,
you can't actually do this, and he's like,
I'm gonna prove him wrong, and then finds a way to make-
Yeah, the God stuff was actually distracting in the end.
It could have been a better movie,
it feels like, without the God stuff,
had they made him just a writer,
had they made it more clear.
Good acting.
Yeah, good acting, and humor was well done in this movie.
There was some funny parts.
They did some good, funny, you know, humorous parts.
It was definitely a Ryan Reynolds and Melissa McCarthy
vehicle in those ways.
They did great, but with what they were given to work with,
but I think it's kind of the writer's basic direction
I have a problem with in this movie.
Ryan Reynolds in the second part reality TV show
really did a great job acting.
He really felt like a stressed out writer.
Like, I liked him a lot in that.
It was hilarious though, speaking of Ryan Reynolds,
my wife at the beginning of this movie,
because they took every opportunity
in the first part of this movie
to show Ryan Reynolds shirtless.
Fuck yeah.
They took every opportunity.
Wasn't this around-
Not only that, but showering in jeans.
You don't care that he's showering in jeans?
Look at that, Bobby.
This was post crack prostitute hangout.
I mean, that's like, if you're in a shitty hotel room,
you're not taking your fucking shoes off.
That's just, yeah, it'll dry.
It'll dry.
Just keep your fucking jeans on.
Which we learned in the Die Hard episode,
just take your shoes off in the hotel room.
Let your feet feel the carpet, yeah.
So stupid.
All right, so obviously we're a little bit mixed on this.
Rotten Tomatoes, I think it's got about a 65.
So it is one of those things where I think a lot of people,
I'll say this.
The twist ending isn't for everybody.
It seems like it puts you guys off
by having the whole it being him, God thing.
I liked it personally.
I thought it was a fun, like a fun pulling altogether.
But I will say that, yeah,
if they had gone the different route
and made him just a writer losing his mind
or this is a video game or this is a show or whatever.
Or like Wilfred where he finds out he overdosed in the end.
Sure.
Yeah, they could have gone back to the beginning
where he was with the posse.
When he burned out his house.
Yeah.
Maybe it was like right before he dies or whatever.
I think it would have been equally as good
of a movie in my opinion.
So I don't think the twist ending ruined it.
I feel like if we had the alternate one
that we're thinking, I think it might have been
well better received, at least by you guys.
So it's a bummer that they went with the one
they went with in this case.
I'm ready to rate it if you guys are.
Yeah.
I like it a lot.
I'll give it a B minus.
Because I think the acting is phenomenal.
I wasn't bored once.
I liked all of it.
I liked the movie.
I thought it was strong.
And it does keep you guessing the whole time.
And it doesn't put you on the crazy number 23 sort of vibe.
Which is okay.
No, it's lighter than that.
It's lighter than that.
Because the number 23 one, you can leave that
starting to think, holy shit,
the number 23 really is everywhere.
Am I fucking insane?
And I like that.
That's what makes that movie a lot of fun for me.
And Jim Carrey's great.
But yeah, this is a lighter version of the number 23.
I did like that scene when he was like,
you're looking for nines.
You see him everywhere.
He's like, where are you looking?
He's like the class of nines or whatever.
He's like, well, yeah, the prices of everything.
1999.
Yeah, there's nines in everything.
Yeah, so it was really a gaslighting.
But like, who's gaslighting?
Is he going crazy?
Is she fucking with him?
It's a lot to think about.
A lot of that feel throughout this movie.
Yeah, that's why I liked it.
As far as rating it, it was a tough movie to rate
because I enjoyed the first two thirds of the movie.
And then the end of this movie became just kind of
just out there.
Like it's almost too much to think about
because it's not set up like a traditional,
even traditional God like we're talking about.
It's not really set up that way
because this would be a very fallible God were it God.
Because God's supposed to be infallible.
But by definition throughout this movie,
they're saying how fallible he is.
No, but I mean, you're saying-
The hope Davis is- Christian God.
Yeah, Christian God.
According to the Bible to be infallible.
Right, exactly.
But even if you go to Greek or if you go to those types
of gods, like the ones where it's multi-gods,
when we go into polytheistic kind of-
Right, but those gods aren't capable
of creating universes.
Well, as a team-
In this movie, they're talking about the Christian God,
not those gods.
No, in this movie,
they never bring up the Christian God.
They say that he's a nine and there's multiple other gods.
So he's not even the only God.
There's literally another God helping him out
with two other gods helping her out.
So he's not God, he's not Christian.
Do you think they're all creating their own worlds?
No, I think they jumped into his world
because they can do that because they're gods.
They're like, hey, you've been doing this for 40,000 years.
This is your 90th iteration of fucking Earth.
You're trying- Chill.
Or not even chill.
I guess it's like, you know what it could have been,
honestly, maybe in maybe iterations ago,
iteration one, he was sort of a Christian type God
where it was more overseer, watch what happens.
But the more iterations and the further he invested
and the closer he got to humanity
and then he finds Melissa McCarthy
and falls in love with her as a human
and just her personality and her soul,
that's when the other beings realize it's gone too far.
Now it's like- So it's an intervention.
It is, that's what it felt like at the end to me.
It felt like, yeah, quit fucking with your simulation,
just let it run.
Or I don't even think they care about the sim-
That's what I thought, see, that's how I felt about it.
But I don't think they care about the simulation.
I think they're sympathetic to whatever humans are,
these sevens, to whatever degree
they can be sympathetic as gods.
It's like, if I, you're right about ants, right?
If I step on an ant, I feel nothing.
If I see a kid pour acid down an anthill,
I feel terrible for those ants
because they don't deserve to be horrifically killed, right?
So, but at the same time, I move on with my day
because they're just ants, okay?
But maybe that god, that kid in the situation,
that's who I would be more concerned with.
So like, you see Ryan Reynolds' god in this
and he's now too invested in his project
and he's starting to lose himself in it.
He's starting to be depressed and he's starting to feel sad.
Now all these different iterations are going on
and it's getting sadder and sadder, right?
And Melissa McCarthy's the only reason he's sticking around
is because he just wants to be around her.
So then when this chick comes in,
she has to be bad to him, which sucks
because she was mean to him to save him, really,
and save him from the point of view
of another god saving another god, right?
So like, I don't know, that's okay.
So continue, sorry you didn't get it right.
So basically, so the movie basically,
the end ruined it for me, I was enjoying the movie,
trying to figure it out, but then when they told me
what they wanted me to think, it became almost offensive.
That's what got me really thinking.
Yeah.
It was that last little bit that was like, for me,
the final little clinch that got me going like,
I'm invested, like now I can start thinking about this
in a whole new light, this entire movie.
Yeah, complete opposite for me, it's interesting.
Which is, but I think that's good about a movie.
That's actually a good thing about a movie,
is that it does make you think.
So a lot of that I like.
I just didn't happen to like the way
they did this one at the end.
But as far as making you think,
it's one of the things I like about a movie,
so I'll give it like a C minus for making me think.
But as far as like, had I paid for it,
I wouldn't be very happy.
B minus, C minus, Brennan?
So yeah, I mean, it definitely did make me think,
but it made me think the guy was going crazy
most of the time.
And then when it made that change,
I was kinda like, okay, it makes sense,
but yeah, I don't think I could recommend this movie
to anybody to watch, just.
Ouch.
Yeah, I don't know.
I didn't enjoy it enough to have a re-watch
or to tell somebody else to watch it,
so I'm gonna give it a D.
And by the way, we never asked you
to watch the movie, never, ever, ever.
I forgot we're doing video.
I've just been munching on it.
Don't forget to point.
Yeah, yeah, what's up, guys?
But we never talked about our grading system.
We didn't even do it on the first episode,
and I've been meaning to change it.
We eliminated A, and we added a W.
So after F, we have an even lower grade,
and that's a W for waste of time.
And B is as good as it gets, B plus.
Unless it's Battlefield Earth,
that gets an M for masterpiece.
So that's the best movie ever made.
Join Scientology today.
Go to Scientology.org, which I put in our description.
I saw that.
I was just like, I was just, I don't even know what to do.
I didn't even, it's like I read that,
and I was like, okay.
Yeah, I can't wait.
Let's see what happens.
Let's see if we fuck around and find out.
Is it an actual link?
Yeah, to the fucking Scientology website, yeah.
Go join.
Watch Battlefield Earth, the greatest workplace comedy
of all time, and then go join the religion
that made it possible.
What's not to love?
Fried Rice Podcast presents.
All right, so you gave it a D?
D. Oh, man.
With all the different iterations,
the way they could have done it, the acting was good.
They had something, they just did it all wrong.
I didn't like the cinematography.
It seemed just so chopped together,
like Ed just thrown together.
There's so many different ways they could have gone about it
and they just didn't.
And just like, I understand psychological thrillers,
but it was just way, way, way too much confusion.
And it had a good start out.
I thought it was gonna be something way different
in the beginning.
It's like this guy, he's like an actor,
but he's going around smoking crack and fucking hookers
and taking showers in jeans, burning shit.
I was like, I thought maybe there would be some kind
of go back to that.
It's like, oh, okay, all that meant nothing basically.
And then, but yeah, acting was good.
Acting was good.
They set out to try, do something good,
but I feel like they threw too many things in it
to try to make it good.
And they tried to do it too different.
And they could have just done it the way
we all were thinking or hoping.
And they just, nah, they just said, fuck you,
now we're doing it this way.
And so I'm gonna give it an F plus.
Ouch.
Well, an interesting thing, everybody kept saying
the acting was good.
Are we really sure the acting was good?
Yeah, Melissa McCarthy played like six roles, I feel like.
Ryan Reynolds, who by the way is one of my favorites,
I think he was just Ryan Reynolds.
No.
I think it was Ryan Reynolds before he found his voice.
Yeah, kinda.
No, because no, no, no.
First actor, I got Ryan Reynolds vibes, the first iteration.
I got Ryan Reynolds vibes.
The second reality TV show part, I did not.
I got a different, more vulnerable Ryan Reynolds.
You could tell he was different than the actor.
And then the third one felt different to me as well,
the married husband.
That felt a little bit more like
what you would see Ryan Reynolds at home.
So I felt like the first one was Ryan Reynolds on screen
as we know him today, like a Van Walder type Ryan Reynolds.
The second one is his attempt to be sensitive.
And I think it does come off and it's a light attempt.
He almost came off gay a little bit.
I think they even mentioned that.
I think he was gay.
Yeah.
But it's not like called to,
but it's like enough of a performance where it's just like,
it doesn't matter one way or the other.
But he is more sensitive,
like he's more in tune with who he is than the first guy.
Less destructive, but maybe more destructive in some ways.
Felt like Ryan Reynolds playing gay to me.
It's hard to see him do something
other than what he was in waiting.
Because we always see him as this quick witted,
like humorous guy.
And of course, I mean, that's what got him Deadpool.
It's like, he went from waiting,
which came out two years before this and into this.
And I just, I wasn't really feeling it with Ryan Reynolds,
even though I just like him, that's kind of what carried.
And then Melissa McCarthy did a great job.
The other chick,
Hope Davis is good.
Yeah, but she played,
because she didn't really change that much.
She was always kind of a bitch in the role.
I mean, that's the role.
She was supposed to be.
But she didn't throughout the,
she's the one that didn't change.
But Melissa McCarthy in the third act,
when she was just Melissa, not Melissa McCarthy,
but when she became just the housewife,
not to Ryan Reynolds,
but then the other after with the other husband.
The final, the fourth iteration.
Very final iteration, the fourth one.
That was an amazing acting,
because that was not her.
You lost her in that even.
And I like that she looks in the mirror
and then asks her daughter, what's my name?
And the daughter says, mommy.
And then she turns to him and says, he's not coming back.
Like, this is it.
And so it's like a finality that's just needed.
I loved the idea of the nines and being numbered
and God-like beings just creating these universe so much.
I would totally watch a sequel to this.
Was the little girl a nine?
No, oh.
She knew what was going on the whole time.
Yeah, can they make other nines?
I mean, can a nine and seven make another nine?
I bet you just can make.
It would just be an eight, a koala, telepathic koala.
I don't know.
I don't know, we didn't get enough sequels to explore.
I guess now that's another sequel we gotta write,
the tens, I don't know.
Well, you wouldn't wanna do the tens
because that's like, I think, too omnipotent.
But I do think that if you were to.
Nine and a halfs.
How about another one with Melissa McCarthy
living her life in the post nines, like post him leaving,
and then he comes back like a second coming for her,
sort of like where he appears and he wants to, I don't know.
Or maybe the little girl just created it all.
Yeah, maybe it is the little girl, she is a nine.
With a twist.
Yeah, but anyway.
It'd be easier to do another movie with the girl
than the two big stars at this point, probably.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, wait, well.
It's still one of the fannings, I think it was Elle Fanning,
I think it was one of her earlier roles.
Find somebody else.
I hope he breaks the fourth wall and goes to this movie,
kinda like how he did with Green Lantern
and the X-Men origins.
So you're hoping that the next.
I hope this movie gets mentioned.
We're not talking about Wolverine, but you're hoping.
So in Deadpool, Wolverine comes out as this guy.
He does, he shoots the nines in the back of the head.
Yeah, he shoots the, yeah.
This isn't a badly received movie.
I bet you he enjoyed making it.
Well, you said 65%, and that was about what we ended up at,
pretty much.
No, no, you guys made it way worse.
I gave it a B minus, which means nothing,
because it's a D and F plus and a.
C minus. C minus.
So it's a D.
Yeah, it's a solid D.
Yeah.
Fuck.
All right, well, the nines, good movie.
Beef jerky was good.
Gets a D. Beef jerky's great.
And of course, the winner of the beef jerky episode
gets to pick the next movie.
Whatever.
Let me get your pen real quick.
I need to write down the grade of this and the next movie.
The next movie is going to be Spawn.
Oh, yeah, baby.
Which Spawn?
Spawn.
It's on there.
Oh, John Leguizamo.
It's directed by nobody.
I needed something good.
I don't think I could punish you guys
with something worse than this.
In my opinion, in my opinion, not everyone's been.
Oh, okay, week after?
Yeah.
You break up me and Mike.
All right.
Hopefully there's a hockey.
Because Austin.
It's always a hockey.
Yeah, that's his claim to fame.
It's Boston and hockey.
I'll change that funny, guys.
The next movie is fucking Spawn.
Boston gives you a lot of choices.
That is true.
It's a good toss and catch.
So the next movie, Spawn, what a hell of a movie.
I love that movie, unironically.
Not even for it being bad, but I'm a big fan.
All right, well.
Can't wait to see the fried rice with a little cape on it.
So is next week gonna be our review of
the show you haven't finished watching yet?
Fallout?
We're not reviewing Fallout, are we?
No, we can't do a whole show.
No, I'm just saying we're gonna talk about it next week.
Are you gonna finish Fallout this week?
Do you guys see the peer pressure I'm under?
Like the pressure of everyone being like,
you better fucking finish Fallout
or we're gonna ruin Fallout for you.
Who does that?
By the time we talk about it and air the episode,
people will be like, fallout what?
Season two is about to come out.
They could totally just call each other and talk about it,
but they wanna wait till I'm there at work
to have full blown conversations about the show.
Yeah, I'll fucking watch it, okay?
I will watch episode two onwards.
I'll watch it.
Once you guys fuck off, I'll go watch it.
I already gotta rewatch season one
to even remember what you're talking about now.
Oh, I love that show.
That was a great show.
That was great.
Okay, Fallout is fantastic.
We can at least talk about the first episode
because you watched the first episode, right?
All right, spoilers for the first episode of Fallout.
The aesthetic is fucking amazing.
Inside the vault, so cool.
I haven't even really played the games.
Dario talked me into getting New Vegas
on my Game Pass, so I'm gonna start there.
Oh, it's also on Prime to own.
Oh, Prime Gaming, they're giving them out right now?
Okay, I'll probably just pick it up.
But it's also on Game Pass, but whatever.
But yeah, I'm gonna try New Vegas.
I hear that one's a good one.
New Vegas is great.
And you can go to Oatman.
Yep.
Which is crazy, so.
That is crazy, I haven't done it.
You can go to Oatman, which is a nearby town
that you can visit when you come out here.
So, okay, looks amazing.
Acting is pretty good so far.
I like the brotherhood of Steel.
Yeah.
Like, that's pretty cool.
I like that he's a squire.
That was a cool twist.
Do you think he, well, you guys know.
You guys finished it, nevermind.
I was about to say, do you think he's the one
that did it to her foot?
But, you know, I don't wanna know.
So, yeah, I like it.
I'm a fan.
I'm excited to continue.
I hope they introduce more characters.
Oh, and then of course, Walter Goggins character.
Amazing.
Yeah, they're cool.
I was wondering how they were gonna do that.
I even think I remember asking you guys at one point.
I was like, well, they kinda wasted Walter Goggins
by having him in the very beginning just react to a nuke.
Oh well, 200 years have gone by.
No more Walter Goggins.
They used him in the first part of the first episode.
And now he's a mutant who's alive forever, it seems like.
So you can just, if you're mutated by this radiation,
you live forever?
Well, is that scene where they drag him out in episode one?
Just keep watching.
And then he kills them all.
Yeah, yeah.
Now he's free.
Just to make sure that wasn't in episode two.
So, yeah, he's already, he's basically a zombie.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, so far, I give it, you know,
five fallout shelters out of five.
Yeah.
Yes.
Solid show.
I rate it one Clearman's cheese.
Oh yeah.
It's a solid 10 out of 10 experience.
All right, well, this episode's been brought to you
by Jem's Meat.
Jem Meats.
Jem Meats in Placentia.
And also if you're in Placentia and you go to Irvine.
Placentia?
Yeah.
This one I got in Placentia, the Clearman's,
it's at the Stader Brothers.
It's pretty much at all of them.
Where's Jem Meats?
It's in Placentia, it's on Yorba Linda Boulevard.
So just the closest, stop at Jem Meats,
get some beef jerky, whatever kind you like.
And then go down to the nearest Stader Brothers
and get yourself some Clearman's cheese.
And then if you wanna go the next step
and get the third thing, you go to Patty's
and you get yourself a Patty's burrito
and you get yourself a tub of the Patty's hot sauce.
But then while you're down there in Placentia,
you go a little bit further to Irvine and right off the.
That's not a little bit further.
Yeah it is.
It's like 15 minutes with no traffic.
15 minutes.
There's never no traffic.
Whatever.
Yeah, COVID traffic.
Hour and a half.
Zero.
But if you go down there, there's a.
It doesn't even matter, I can't even describe it.
I don't know what the place is called
and I don't know what the bread is called,
but there's these two dudes that just make this bread
in this world market in Irvine.
And there's a line that just wraps around
the fucking whole store because people just stand in line
to get it and they just keep pumping it out all day
and there's a maximum amount you can buy in line
at any given time.
Is it like the Mexican sweet bread?
No, it's like a flat, almost like a naan type of bread.
But, or like a, like a, for hummus.
Like one of those type of breads,
but there's something about it that's different.
It's hard to explain.
It almost feels like a Jewish recipe.
Like there's something about the bread
that makes it like flat, but then it's not crunchy,
it's soft, but it's the best, honestly,
the best fucking type of that bread I've ever had
in my life and it's worth the trip
if you can find this random place.
Where's placentia at compared to like say,
well you said you went to Santa Monica, right?
From there to Santa Monica?
It's near, it's between Anaheim and Yorba Linda basically.
And uterus?
I knew someone was gonna go there.
I didn't think it would be Andy.
Because I know we just blew Mike's fucking mind
when we said there's a place called placentia.
He was like, wait a minute, my wife and I ate that
after our son was born.
No, we did not.
That's, that's Brennan.
That's, Brennan's the hippie here.
No, God no.
Did you?
We had C-section.
Oh yeah.
Cause I would, I mean.
Yeah, he got it to go.
We, we, so let's see your scar.
I had the, I was in the splash zone.
I was scarred for life.
I saw the, I saw the stuff on the table, man.
The splash zone.
Were you in the actual splash zone?
I was the, for my second child,
I was tempted to look over the curtain
cause she's on the table like this
and there's a curtain here,
basically where they're cutting her
and you could see them moving her
as they're cutting her.
I was like, I kind of attempted to look
and next thing you know, some liquid flew over
and one of the doctors like,
could someone wipe my face?
And I was like, yeah, I'm not looking over.
And then of course.
Was your wife awake?
Yeah.
Yeah, but super sedated.
I just can't imagine.
Super sedated.
They're awake.
I mean, it's like they're awake.
Go on.
Like Andy, act like you're giving birth.
You're the chicken.
Just come on.
Just breathe.
I fucking hate you so much Austin.
Just breathe.
You said you loved me.
Just breathe.
And then in the background you hear, ew.
No, I didn't say anything.
I just, my wife saw my face.
She said I was white as a ghost.
And like afterwards, like, cause the whole thing was just,
it was crazy.
The second one was super traumatic.
We tried to do a natural birth.
Didn't work.
She said, cut the fucking baby out of me.
Like she's screaming it.
So C-section is what we went.
Next one's going to be orgasmic water birth, right?
Yeah, no, after that all C-section.
The last one was easiest though.
But yeah, so when I held my son for the first time,
I went to go back to my wife.
And of course then I could see on the other side
of the curtain, all of her innards on a table next to her.
And that was definitely something I will never unsee.
I can never, I can never unhear that.
You're welcome.
Don't ever tell the kids that, you know,
that they're, whichever kid was the most traumatic birth,
don't tell them that.
They wear it.
They wear it like a badge of honor.
Like my mom told me I was the most painful birth.
So whenever she said, like stubbed her toes,
oh fuck that hurt.
I'm like, worse than my birth?
And then just sends her back to it.
Yeah, no, that was our middle child.
That's fucked up.
He was the most traumatic for sure.
Yeah, no, that's not how I anticipated this episode to end.
Well, you're welcome.
I don't know what brought it up.
Oh yeah, you said I ate the placenta.
I started with jerky, ended up with the.
No, I'm not that kind of.
You never ate a placenta?
Well, congratulations.
You just had some.
Yay.
Jerk placenta.
Well, this is, this has been Fried Rice Podcast.
Thanks for sticking around for that great humor.
It's evolving.
Next week, the episode of Spawn,
the movie we're gonna watch, Spawn, it's on Tubi.
Go check it out.
With us as always is Michael,
the Clearmans was a clear attempt to kill him.
It did not work.
I didn't cook it long enough.
That's on me.
Maybe next time.
I hope you die, you old bitch, Larsen.
Cellios, motherfucker.
I knew it, I'm just gonna kill everybody.
With us as always is Brennan.
Up to motherfucking Boston.
I like Mike's nickname, Cellios.
Okay, don't, now, how many people
are gonna fire this episode?
Austin?
And with us as always is Austin.
He drove from another state to be here.
He's gonna have a whole extra four hour drive
to get home.
Three hours, I'm so sorry.
I added an extra hour.
I drove four hours to be here.
That's what it was.
You drove four hours to be here.
You drove three hours to be back.
And there's no way that you're gonna
back up this whole Cellios thing
because as my producer friend,
you know that I need to have someone backing me up
and that it's a bad idea.
Feral.
And then cut it.
Thanks everybody.
Have a good rest of your night.
I'll see you next time.