CristUD lower rate
oh
It's a podcast you gotta hear
For laughs and talking cheer
It's the fried rice always a surprise with any rice and stoner crew
Got
Has
We
Okay, I'm not gonna have a listen to the whole two minutes of that but
And
Welcome to another
AI music filled episode
Fried rice podcast. I'm your host Andy rice. Let's get fried with me as always is cage
It's weird because I need to add a middle
Descriptor between the first and last name, but it already is a weird thing to say together
So this doesn't really make any sense
Pickle cage pickle. Yeah, thank you. It's an honor
with me as always is
Cellios, thank you very much. I've waited make you feel better
Did you see what I named the episode for prayer?
Yes, it's called Mike has a stupid nickname and I hope the internet remembers that forever
he calls himself cellios because a fucking crank because you can't kill cellios because he's always fucked, you know, just blah blah blah and
And we have this thing where we're constantly trying to kill Mike and he's just it won't it just hasn't worked
Nothing's stuck, right? I've poisoned almost anything I've ever given him like I spray a little rat poison on it every single time
I'm handing him his treat. I've put arsenic in his water
It's Michael Larson everybody. Hey everybody
With us as always is it actually took him two weeks to drive here this time. Oh, it's Austin Trope two weeks to get here today. Phil!
Check me out on machinima. Machinima. Yes. That's my favorite recurring bit. There's two things that I love
It's the descriptions of the episodes if you look down at the hotline
There's a little special thing in the description for you each week
And it's fine Austin on whatever obscure internet thing that he found
Defunked internet. Machinima is not only defunked but there's actually a huge chunk of it that just got straight deleted
I don't remember. Yeah, because the Solace Corporation bought it and Rooster Teeth is gone now, too
I think machinima was like
Was it like flash animations? It's like a thing between machine and cinema obviously
It was like, you know red versus blue and you know a bunch of youtubers were under that wing and then it just kind of fell apart
they fucked a bunch of people over like one of my favorite youtubers bro team and
Now it's just gone. There's only remnants of it left, you know RB and the chief, you know like old
So it's when YouTube was paying those groups to do things separately
It was a giant chunk of internet history that's gone now and sad
Newgrounds is still up
Newgrounds is still around Albino Black Sheep
Anyone?
No? Is that Newgrounds?
No, it was like
Oh, how about a
How about joecartoon.com?
JoeCartoons!
Put a fucking hamster in a blender
Put Osama Bin Laden in a blender was one of them too
Fuck you, I'm on strike!
Just killing animals
I tried to find it, I can't find it
Put a hamster in a microwave
And you like oh no
I think it's the the one that's fucked up is holding a you you have a hamster and he's in a pool of piranhas and
Every time you click him the piranhas come by and take a bite out of him, right?
And the whole time he's like, hey man, come on, let me out
I'm just kidding, like leave me alone
And it takes bite, oh fuck that hurt
Come on, please stop it. Let me live
Another one bites and it's just uh, it just gets down to like his uh, when they bite his nuts off he goes really?
Really?
Fuck you
He like says, fuck you, you eat my nuts
There's a bunch of, there's one where you put the hamster in the microwave
And the different levels you put it on
And he cries, he like he's banging on the fucking thing to get out
Make him explode
It's horrific
This sounds worse than quiet on set
There's one thing like, oh okay, one more, one more
Which does not sound better
I'm gonna lose it if I don't bring it up is Homestar Runner
Homestar Runner
Strong Bad Email
To email, to email
They made, they recently
Okay, so one of my favorite genres of video game are point and click adventures
If you're unfamiliar with them
Think Monkey Island, think Day of the Tentacle
Which basically is like a very typically cartoony game
That you, your character, you're not fighting people
You're just sort of clicking on one side of the room
You can walk over there and it's all puzzles, right?
But they're, but the LucasArts ones are phenomenal
They're very funny and I brought this up because
What did you just say prior to that?
Old obscure things that you just
That's the number one rule
Fucking Cage Pickle, you son of a bitch
No wait, wait, shit
What were we just, no, no, no, come on, before that I'm losing it
Yeah, I know and I got there because
Joe Cartoons, they did point and
Yeah, that's something to do Joe Carto-
Oh, Strong Bad
Yeah, yeah, Home Star Runner
No, no, no, Home Star Runner
Don't let me lose this
Alright, so there was a new
So the point and click adventure genre sort of died down
In the mid to late 90s
But then it got resurrected when
What's that company? Telltale
Started doing an advanced version of a point and click
Where you're actually walking around with your character
But it's still the same stuff, right?
It's still make decisions, do puzzles, right?
Can't go here, can't go there kind of thing
I always run into that shit with those kind of games
Oh, and you could play some of the older ones
And get to like near the end
And not have the one little piece of puzzle that you need
That you should have gotten in the beginning of the game
That you have to backtrack to
It can get annoying
You accidentally sequence break, broke the game
Yeah, no you can
You can soft lock it for sure
They're Quake without guns
But there's a, well no, no, no, no, no
Actually that's what I remember about Quake, all the puzzles
Yeah, you go do the puzzles
I'm gonna have to disagree with you
You know, different tools, you have to use certain tools
Find the right tools
Well sure, but Quake is a first person shooter
I said without the guns
No, no, no, not at all, no, no, no
I would put those on such the opposite ends of the video game spectrum
You couldn't be further off
Saying that Day of the Tentacle is like Quake without the guns
Is like saying, no, no, I'm sorry
No, no, maybe, yeah, okay, sure
Yeah, that's a first person with some cute funny stuff
Sure, condemned to bloodshed
But to say that, to say that Day of the Tentacle is like Quake without the guns
I'm trying to think of an equivalent and it's so difficult
I've never seen Day of the Tentacle, I have no idea what it is
It's like saying that the Matrix is the Wizard of Oz without the music
Okay
It's about someone that goes somewhere they're not supposed to go
They meet crazy people
You see what I'm saying?
Yeah
But they're so fundamentally different things
Sound and music without the music
Yeah
You wouldn't find them, no, no
Nazis
No, because that's just like Schindler's List or something
That's just a Nazi, that's just, or the newest movie, really what that is
Sound and music without the music is that one movie that just was up for a bunch of Oscars
The Quiet, The Quiet Place? No, not The Quiet Place
That's that movie with the monsters
Which is basically the same thing, right Mike? What did you say?
The Crying Game
No, not, what's The Crying Game?
Oh don't look it up
I'm not gonna hold it up
Don't look it up
Especially if it's a Nazi movie
Save Sir John
German movie, Oscars, 2024
This was actually Zone of Interest
And the reason Zone of Interest is so interesting is because it's about a German family of an officer
Who works at Auschwitz, I think it's Auschwitz, the concentration camp
And they have a suburban, idyllic life right outside the camp, sort of
And they have to, and so the whole, I don't even think you go, I think the controversy was
They don't even show what's happening in Auschwitz, it's literally just a, like a dark, like this family
Trying to live an ideal life while they know it, he's knowingly going to work and torturing people
And killing people
Oh so they have a whole life of a guard
Of a guard, of like a high ranking official in like, it looks dark
It looks like, I'm gonna watch it at some point because
He's at home and his wife's like, hey babe how was work?
Yeah I mean probably, and that's what makes it like a nerve wracking kind of like, you gotta be prepared for it when you're like that I think
But think about that, think about like being Eva Braun even
Yeah, you have to marry your cousin
Is there a scene where it's like, your kid is dead?
Eva Braun and Hitler, yeah, it's like, it's just sad
I have the same birthday as Eva Braun
Do you?
I do, it's weird
Also Alec Baldwin
And Ronald Reagan
Dude, a thousand here
Is Axel Rose still okay? Cause same birthday with him
Bob Marley
Okay there she goes
Babe Ruth
You can't put Alec Baldwin in that otherwise, oh turns out it was a real Auschwitz, oh no
Oh shit
On the set of the new Auschwitz movie, Alec Baldwin just genocide some crew on accident
He didn't check to make sure that it was, I'm not gonna go any further with this joke
It's not even a joke, the Holocaust is a real thing that happened, it was a crime against humanity
We should all forever remember and never forget and it'll never happen again
Do you know why?
Cage Pickle took his hat off for this conversation
Do you know why Hitler didn't drink?
No
It made him mean
He's a mean drunk
He did a bunch of math
Have you seen about the fucking, oh he had pics of him just like
Fuck, I hate black people, what's going on?
Don't clip that
That was, I should have done it in a German accent so that way you know I'm doing Hitler
This has been a fun opening
Good, good, good, strong 10 minutes
Before we even hit record we were talking about Clyde on set
Which I finally finished, if you're listening to the podcast we finally
Did you watch the fifth episode then?
Actually we did not finish it because in a few days there's
No it's already out, it's out
The fifth episode's out, I watched about half of it
It's where they talk to Josh
I thought you said April 16th that it comes out
They talk to Josh Peck again
Yeah, Drake Bell he means
Oh sorry, yeah the other one, yeah Drake Bell
They talk to Drake Bell after, like they talk to a lot of them after the documentary came out
I didn't get to the end, I stopped watching when it was that
When it was that chubbier
The chubbier kid
Because at that point he was just like
Yeah I was there, there was probably some creepy stuff going on
I don't know, it's just like they tagged one more guy
And then everyone else was just like, it's like that Tiger King episode
The one after Tiger King ended
It was a great show and then they just screwed it up
And then you're just like, oh thanks Joel McHale who I typically like
And I'm glad you got that money for Tiger King, the bonus episode
The big wrench in that show for me, the quiet on set thing
With Drake Bell, it's like yeah it's a terrible fucking thing happened to him
The fucking, oh Legion of Skanks went so hard on him
They were just like, for four years he was going to that guy's house to get real
It sounds like he just had a gay relationship with this guy
They were just, they went fucking hard
They were just like, they got blasted online
They were like, this is worse than the Neds
That was Legion of Skanks, not us
Don't clip that
But the Neds declassified one you were talking about
Where they were like
Yeah talking about blowing each other and stuff
They were like, this is worse than the Neds
And they were like, yeah I'm sure ours is way worse
But the big wrench in it though was that like
Drake Bell got in trouble like a couple years ago for like
I saw that
He does it in the thing very quickly
Very quickly that, oh he just said some inappropriate things to him
It was Drake fucking Bell
Was it a man?
No, it was a boy
It was an underage girl he was talking to
Now from what it says, I looked at it
So I did some diving after
Looking into everybody because that's what you do
You don't want to see what everyone's up to
And what it says is that he cut off communication
When he found out that they were underage
So he was inappropriately texting someone
And then found out that they were underage and stopped
And if that is the case, then so be it
If that's him covering his ass
Then I mean we'll never know
But what happened to him regardless of what he did later on as an adult
Is bad, horrific, should never have happened
I mean now that I hear the Legion of Skank's point of view
But I don't think it happened for years on end
Like I think it was probably, it wasn't like a probably
And every day he'd go over
But it was your
You have to pretend you're a kid though with somebody who has power over you
And that doesn't, that dynamic is the problem
It can't be a relationship, it's impossible for that to be a relationship
I don't know, their goal is to be as like offense
It's literally dubbed the world's most offensive podcast
And it's very funny
No, no, no, no, I'm not, yeah you don't have to defend the Skanks
I think it is funny
I'm just from a
You can't defend them
You can just like them or not like them, that's it too
You have to remember his humor is all
They do it so we don't have to
But I mean it was probably, I'm just saying
If you were getting raped by someone at that age
And it was probably like a
Every now and then kind of thing
Where he just couldn't escape the situation
You know, but I don't think it was
He probably wasn't over at this dude's house every single day
Just like knowing what's up gonna happen
And then just being like alright let's
I guess get, you know, do this thing
I like how all the people that were defending that
The Pickle Man
They were defending that guy
And they just listed all of them off
They went hard, dude
And I was pausing the thing before she started naming names
Because I was like, I don't even think they'll probably name names
So let me pause on the letters and I read a few of them
Most of them, yeah, were just like
Like, fucking hey, this guy's great
Whatever he did, it was momentary lapse of judgment
Okay, sounds like he put his dick inside a teenage boy
Against that boy's will
And uh
Very poor judgment
Yeah, he was wearing a sundress though
No panties
Who?
The boy
Well, he hasn't seen the documentary
This is just him, I guess, adding his own flavor to the story
Cage Pickle just in his mind wants to see Drake Bell in a little sundress
Maybe put that hat on so people can't read Twitter for people who don't read Twitter
You're anonymous on the audio
We can blur you
Oh yeah, you have an editor now
We can have him blur your face
Yeah, we can blur you
Shout out to
Man, I see, I don't know if he wants to go buy an alias
For the editor
Well, next week
Well
Insert here
Insert here, yeah
Hey man
Is that our new god?
No, because I'm probably going to end up saying his name a thousand times because I'm going to be like
Hey, Tomas, put this in here, put this in there
So it's Tomas
I won't say his last name
But yeah, Tomas
And not the one that's been on the show, a different Tomas
I have multiple Tomas friends, that's how I roll
I'm diverse motherfuckers
And I don't call him Thomas, like I'm stupid and I don't know how to pronounce someone's, you know, ethnic fucking name, alright?
Just like everyone I know that's named David, I call him David
Everyone? Even if they ask you, even if they introduce themselves as my name is David?
Sorry dude, your name's David
Oh, David, thank you
What are some other
He's me at work, that's what I do to new employees constantly, I just don't
Mike does do that
I think it's one of his flexes that he does
Ryan calls you Andrew all the time
No, we got a new kid and what do I call him? I call him Lil Dicky
That is true
And I don't, see the thing is, you call him Lil Dicky because I think he's a skinny white boy with curly-ish hair
Yeah, exactly
And, but that's
Close enough
Much like Quake Without the Guns is a Day in the Tentacle or a Monkey Island
Also personality based, but yes
I think he looks more like Brendan Lee from The Crow
Yes
Before he gets killed
And if he was not half Asian
Half hour after that shot
He looks like Brendan Lee from The Crow before he's dead and if he's not half Asian
Did anyone find out where Alec Baldwin was on the day that Brendan Lee got shot on set?
Oh
Sounds great
1996?
He would have been around
Yeah
Do you think that Alec Baldwin is some sort of serial killer?
Just kills people on set?
Was it 1996?
I don't know
Was that the year?
If he's friends with Garth Brooks that's crazy
Because that's interesting because the movie that we were fixing to talk about
Came out in 1996?
Oh, this is 1994
Ah, two years before
So now where was Alec Baldwin?
I was just born so it wasn't me
So you say
You don't think he is in it
Oh, The Shadow
Oh, he was The Shadow
What an interesting title of a movie to have if you're going to disappear into the shadows after killing beloved star Brendan Lee
On Brandon Lee
He was in The Shadows I guess with a sniper rifle
Oh shit
He rebooted his murder?
Shot him from a distance?
Damn bro
Now just for the hell of it type in
Did Alec Baldwin kill
Do you think anyone else has had this theory?
Yeah
Someone's going to now
Look it's the first thing you think of now
Oh shit, did Alec Baldwin kill Brandon Lee? No fucking way
Brandon Lee was killed by a prop gun years before the Rust shooting death
NPR, Brandon Lee was killed by a prop gun years before
In a shooting civil right?
No, that doesn't say he didn't do it
No it does not
In fact, not one of these articles is saying hey where was Alec Baldwin on the day that Brandon Lee
It does say why wasn't anyone charged then if they're going to charge Alec Baldwin now
Why wasn't anyone criminally charged in Brandon Lee's death?
But he was, isn't he serving some time?
That's going to happen to Baldwin
Yeah that's what I'm saying
Why did they not do that?
Do we even know who shot Brandon Lee?
Yeah it says he was shot the same way
But they don't say it, oh shit wait, no, no
Lee's co-star fired, it says right there
Lee's co-star fired a prop gun
No yeah it says co-star, that's not a name
That's what I'm saying, yeah it's not showing
There it is
Wait, Massie was an actor
Yeah it's the scene where they murder them in the beginning
Michael Massie
They just shot it in different sequences
That's why you see him in some parts and other parts they have to digitally
And what I heard was that the original shot of that
You know on the first, he wasn't even pointing at the guy
But they said it didn't look right on camera
So then they went back and it was also like I said
It was a prop bullet that was in there and they put another one behind it
So that's how I understand that
That's fucked up
What has Michael Massie been into since
He's still kind of doing stuff
2016
He was in The Amazing Spider-Man 2
He was The Gentleman, whatever that is
You think people throw him a bone every now and then because they're like
That sucks dude
Poor soul
Poor sorry bro that you
He was in The Batman
What?
Rob
A lot of bit parts yeah
He was in Catwoman 2
Cellbinder series
So maybe he's the most DC
He's been in more
Bruce Banner
Yeah he's been Bruce Banner in The Old Adventures
Okay well wait we're not doing IMDB scrolling
We found out that was a bad way to spend time on a podcast
Oh shoot
Okay oh oh shoot
What are we smoking?
Do do do do
Insert music here
I've just been packing some stuff that I had
I don't know what it's called or where it's from or anything about it
So that's what I brought to the table but what's important is
My mom got a job at Jar so now I get like 3 weed to bring here
Because I never bring weed
And she gave me a Cannabis Oz Cryo Blunt
This one's called Cantaloupe Haze
It's a 1 gram blunt
And it's a 31% THC
And it doesn't really say
Unless you guys can read it better
Whether it's a hybrid or an indica
You guys just know that it's not sativa so there you go
Cannabis Blunt
It's not sativa or it's not indica?
I mean it's not indica
It's cryo infused holy shit
Frozen infused
It's an infused one I guess
Yeah this is going to fuck us up Mike
You ready?
I'm ready
Alright do you want another beer?
Yeah
Alright I don't know if I got another pineapple one
Do you want to try another one of the michellatas?
What the hell is a pineapple beer?
Pineapple michellata
Liqueur acid?
Does it have tomato?
I got lime and salt
Or I got orange
I'm open orange
I'll do lime and salt
Orange then
Because I was coming from Keenman
And I went by the house and grabbed my stuff
I forgot to grab it
I got those packets
Oh you weren't here
You didn't hear us talking about the packets last week
Oh yeah
I have you some packets
You bought some?
Did you say you had some clearance cheese for me or something?
Yeah and then you weren't excited at all
So I'm really debating on giving it to you
Because I'm already
I'm out
I've already gone through
I'm out
I've already gone through
I bought myself two
I'm going back to California in like a week or two
And I'm going to buy myself more
And I'm still debating on whether or not to give it to you
But at the same time you should get it because we love you
And you do so much for the pod
And I'll bring my beef jerky from California next time I go
And next time I'll bring my pickle bread
Family recipe
Are you the pickle man?
Yeah it's made from
Cage pickle
It's made from dildo
What's the name of the pickle man that did that?
Oh shit are you
The pickle man
The guy that raped Drake Bill?
The family recipe made from dildo
Yeah the pickle bread
Do you really have a pickle bread?
Or is that all just a lead up to a joke?
It was all just a setup
Because I don't think I've ever had
These are long setups
I don't think I've ever had pickle bread
I don't know if it's a thing
But it sounded great
I don't know that pickle beer we had in Oben was
You know what though my buddy
I've had pickle nuts
Where's this going?
No that's real
Pickle nuts
Dill pickle nuts
Ok
I literally bought a jar yesterday of dill pickle nuts
I get mine
I get the nut sack
I don't get the jar I get the nut sack
Yeah of course
I
My buddy makes this
He makes spicy
He makes homemade spicy pickles
And they are
I'm not a big pickle fan
I don't eat just pickles on their own
But supposedly they're phenomenal
The juice though
That those pickles come in
They squirt out
I do a whiskey shot followed by a pickle back
No it's in a jar
When he gives it to me
I'm sure it does squirt
Ok why are you making everything so sexual
Caged pickle
Oh we are on your whole subject
I should have known
I should have known bringing up pickles
To cage pickle himself
Would be a dicey situation
A cagey situation really
Or testy
I would have liked this fucking thing
Oh this is
Is this a blunt wrap
Yeah it's a blunt
Oh shit
Usually you get drugs
Looks like a cigar
That's a
Cigar size
I don't want it to
Looks like it will go out
No it's not going to
I'm just worried it's going to start bleeding down one side
I'm not a pro down here
I might have to light the other side
We're being too quiet
We're all quiet for a minute
Ok so
Chalada taste test
Yeah
What do you think of orange vs pineapple
What do you prefer
Pineapple
Ok this is your first time having the Modelo Chaladas
It is yeah
What do you think overall
They're good
I'm sure Mrs. Pickle will appreciate the pineapple later
Yeah
Do these have tomato juice in them still or no
It's just juice and
It's kind of a flavor
It's like a hint of flavor isn't it
This one's got the tomatoey vibe
It does
I think these are less tomatoey vibe
Yeah neither
Oh hell yeah
And I hate chalada and this is good
They're good
And they're not all
Now I have the Bud Light Chaladas in there too
And those are tomatoey as fuck
Those are like the ones that you expect a chalada to taste like
Like a handmade chalada
Which I love when you go to a bar
And they do it with the Tabasco and everything
Are you ok
You want me to get the window or anything
No no
You're doing good
Alright cool
Fizzbo
I never do that
You're more into fisting
I really set you up for that
I understand that
This guy's strong
Speaking of which I did want to get into the story again
Unless it'll incriminate you
But gotta tell us the In-N-Out story
Or undisclosed burger location story
Put your disguise on
Yeah do you want me to talk about it right now
Hell yeah
Well it was after a concert and we were at the In-N-Out burger
And I was sitting there making my own
What does your wife look like
Give us that background first
She's a beautiful Filipino looking woman
She's 12 years younger than me
But she looks younger
Well with the show we just came off
Don't start with 12 years and then off
She's 12 years younger than me
Yeah but she almost
And of course she looks several years younger than her real age
And you were what 20?
I met her when she was 28
No ok
Mike don't try to get this guy on sex crimes
No nothing crazy like you see on TV
But you know there's a guy over there
And I saw him and he looked like he was chewing out this other table
I was like wow that dude's getting pretty loud
And you know he's
I was like somebody's gonna punch that dude pretty soon
And he's gonna have to calm down
But I didn't pay too much attention
And I was getting the burgers and everything
Well come to find out he was chewing out my wife
Cussing at her
Telling her that she doesn't belong in this country
She's 15
He said the actual fucking thing
He said you don't belong in this country
Don't belong in this country
How tall are you again?
I'm 6'4
Yeah you are
And at this night you know he was the second biggest person in the room
He was the first biggest
I was the first biggest
Yeah and so I told him
I said hit the road motherfucker
And he didn't
And that's when I put my burgers down
You know we danced
And okay give us a little bit more
Well he came at me
And he was flipping people off on the way
And of course you know we had like three tables worth of friends there
And he was just flipping everybody off
Chewing them all out
Telling them they needed to leave
And that they had no right to laugh
And even speak to him and all this
So he came at me though
And I came at him and I choked slammed him
And when he hit the ground you know
His body went limp
He basically just knocked unconscious
I guess you could say he was in and out of consciousness
In and out of consciousness
And there's other
And an undisclosed location
And there's three employees had to wipe the blood up off the floor
Holy shit
Yeah that was bad
And the cops they all thought
They told me to run to get out of there
Because they thought I was going to jail you know
Yeah
But you know
Cops said nope you did the right thing whatever
Yeah in fact cops fist bumped me and said it looks like instant justice to me
Holy shit
Yeah so crazy night at the end of it
But he did attack you first
That's what's important
Well he had verbally assaulted over 30 people
Before I even noticed what was going on
He was just a drunk fucking loud mouth
I did not know he was drunk at the time
But he was for sure right
Yes turned out he was
Okay just being an asshole in an undisclosed location
Big motherfucker coming in here just like don't talk to your wife that way
Well I'm glad the Hooch's show went better than that
I was a little bit better
Dude no he was ready
Cage Pickle was ready to fucking beat that Kyle guy up if it came down to it I think
If Kyle rushed the stage would you have
I would have got in between the two
That was all I was going to do
And then you let that person
You let that person
You let him swing at you a few times
So that the whole crowd sees that he swung at you several times
And you were just sitting there in a defensive posture
And then you know after that
You could whelay the crap out of him after that
Because now the crowd is on your side
I could have escalated it
I got to that show as Hooch's early
And I was really tired
He said go to the Chinese buffet
He looked like he scrounged up enough change Austin
Did I say that?
At the pod
What do I even mean by that?
He looks homeless
That's a good line I said that
Holy shit that was
Instead of taking that I get to the venue early
Write this shit down
I'm tired there's nowhere to lay down
I'm just going to go lay down in my car
And just take a quick power nap
And in the car the whole time
I can hear Kyle outside the bar on his phone
Yelling at this girl to do her homework
Whether I don't know if it was his girlfriend or his daughter
Or in his case probably both
And I was going to bring that up on stage
Like hey I heard you on the phone
Yelling was that your wife or your daughter
Or in your case probably both
He would have fucked you for sure dude
That would have been great
He was already bleary eyed looking at the stage
Like why the fuck are they making fun of me so much
I thought I crossed the line when I said
You looked like the lead singer of Smash Mouth
But see I don't respect
Because I knew Pickle here would have had my back
But I don't like utilizing my bigger friends like that
Like Knuckles get him or something
I don't want to do that
So I was just like
And then Sean got up
And then Sean was just getting hella frustrated
That was the worst heckler Sean ever had to deal with
And he also kind of
He didn't react the best
But he also kind of made it funny
He also got so like
Fuck you
At some point it wasn't a joke
He said hey man how about you shut the fuck up
Shut the fuck up
After he got off stage
He went looking for that fucking guy
I was right there
He's looking at me
He's like fuck dude that guy's fucking Kyle
Fuck Kyle
I'm like okay yeah
Fuck Kyle I get it
He's like I'm going to go find him
I'm like what
So he just
He just leaves and I turned to
Whoever I turned to Jesse
I was like Jesse I think Sean's going to go find Kyle
And fight him
He's like what
125, 130
Smaller
The best way to handle that is the way comics
Are supposed to handle that and that's just to make
Jokes about that
You make fun of them hard
On stage
When a country star breaks up with his girlfriend he writes a song about it
You know comedians write
Jokes
My best comeback live was at Oatman
And it was that old drunk guy
On our first Oatman show
And he was fucking just heckling the shit out of everybody
And I got up there and I did the whole
Johnny Carson bit where I was just like
I'm thinking of a number it's three
And I don't know if it's
How many teeth you have left or the last
Grade you finished but
You need to shut the fuck
Up dude
Having those
Having those kind of comeback
Jokes you know in your repertoire is just
You know something that you have to have as a comedian
You know like the comedian
That says hey I got a joke that
I'm not getting your dick off
Oh I see you've already heard it
You know those kind of
Jokes
Why haven't you done the open mic
You know I got up
A long time ago and tried to do open
Mic one time and I
Bombed
And I bombed and I
From then
On I respected what comics
Do more than anything else
Getting up there is way harder than what
People think you know and the nerves
And the stage fright
You have more punch lines than I do
I don't have any
That's me I have trouble with open mics because
If I do stuff it's story so it's longer
It's hard to do hard to get
On at the start
If that's what you do
The only jokes that ever come up with that punch lines
Are fucking stupid and made for
Children it sounds like you want to hear one that I made
That was actually from my brain and it's so
Stupid no it's not an engineer
And it's not losing well actually the losing
My tail one was pretty good I'll tell that one in just a second
But you kind of gave away the bit
So maybe I won't
But
Go to the bathroom in a second
What is a
What is a queens favorite
Type of weather
Like a royal queen
No idea Carl
When it's raining
And you got to spell it R E I
For Kyle
You got to spell it for Kyle
Very cerebral
It is a family friendly show
I might use that but I feel like I have to
Explain the spelling because this is a popsicle
Stick joke if you were to read that on a pop you'd be like
Oh that's not bad though right
No it's good words like just slow it down when you
Say raining
When it's raining with a G
I still have the footage
The G for you idiots out there
I still have the footage of you and Korra
Doing Mr. Roboto
Oh shit at the
Yeah you were like getting down
I think I love
I love karaoke when I'm tipsy
And I was pretty tipsy
That night and I think I'll probably
Be a tipsy again this time
Because we have rooms to stay in I guess
If I want to but
Roboto I have a whole shtick
I
Sometimes what I would like to do
I've done it once
I start off like Tin Man
In Wizard of Oz
And I start singing the song and then I have like
A friend
Like usually a pretty girl or whatever come over and start
Oiling you know like and then as I start
To move as the song is going on and then
Right when the break happens is when I do my full fucking
Little breakdown of a robot
It's pretty
Cinematic from just a
Bar point of view you don't get the
Showmanship very often with karaoke
You just get people going up to be a drunk I go the
Extra mile is what I'm saying
Just throwing it out there
Sorry you guys aren't hyped
Neither is anyone ever at any of the bars
I've done this at the one time
So fuck everyone
I do the acoustic version of
Boys on the Hood karaoke that's my go to
Everyone gets pumped up about it
They know the words but it's also like an acoustic
White swivel
That's a good one I might steal that
Not this time not with you present
I have a few backups
That I do for sure
I do Brain Stew by Green Day
And I do no I do Basketcase
By Green Day and I do
Sticks
Miss Roboto
My buddy does
You're Welcome the rock song
From Moana
And he kills it and people
Get hyped because
No one's expecting Moana's
You're Welcome and he's like
The trees and the frogs and you're welcome
You're welcome
Like the song from Mulan
Let's get down to business
To defeat
The Huns
You're the Huns in this situation
You think that the Huns had a lot of honeydew lists?
Well I certainly do
Honeydew, honeydew
Thanks, if I had a snare drum
Oh hey
That was sort of an organic
I listened to last weeks
When we found, I haven't shown you
You weren't here last week were you?
For the Clark Kent situation
Oh Clark Kent
I brought my perfect attendee
All year, I've been on every episode since Die Hard
And I'm pretty sure
I've been on more episodes than Ryan at this point
Oh for sure
For sure, yeah season 2 has been
So much better I think in quality
Content, production
Value, I think it's been a lot better
I think season 3 will be even better
We're going to get better and better guys
We're not professionals, none of us are
We're growing, we're just people
That like getting together, smoking weed
Having fun
If you guys enjoy the content
Please leave a like and comment below
On Spotify, what the fuck am I talking about?
Comment below
Where'd you find this?
What are you listening to this on? This is your phone?
Your earbuds are in?
Leave a comment anyway
Yeah call the number, let me check the voicemail
It's almost the podcast's birthday isn't it?
In July
Leave a McDonald's number
I'm going to check voice, see if anybody called us
No, yeah of course not
Cause, I mean listen guys
Literally, there's at least
We know there's at least 200 of you
You guys listen to this all the time, just one of you
Just one of you call the fucking number
It's on every description
We're trying to get a bunch of stoners to do a job
That is true
How do we accomplish that?
And since all our guests are stoners
I already have our question of the week
Based on the movie
Which we can get into in a minute
What is your plan of action
When Martians invade?
Perfect
What do the stoners do? Where do you go?
You don't have to give, you know
Don't give it away, but I'm going to go to my buddy's house
I know people that live out in the middle of the fucking desert
That have guns and like all that shit
Way far, that's where I'm going
I'm going to be one of the last to die
That did them no good
Well, no, I mean that's
We'll get to that later, but I'm saying if you do any good
It'll be a bunch of hicks
That's a great question
It's so great in fact
So remote that there's not even cell reception
Yeah, we're talking like
Maybe bottom of the Grand Canyon
Or something like in a cave
Somewhere like
I don't know, fuck it
Prepper people
I thought of that same exact
I was going to ask us something similar to that
As a question of like what would be
Our plan if aliens attacked
Right now
Well we can do that us
That's our question
What would you do
And we'll tell them what we would do
Basically though I will say this
Whatever I'm doing
If you're a listener, if you're a friend of mine or whatever
You've got to convince whatever
Roving army that you've
Attached yourself to that's
Going to survive the alien apocalypse or whatever
And convince them that I'm a good dude
And that I'm pretty funny
Sometimes and that it's worth maybe
Podcasts in the future
I always thought that I would be an entertainer
In the way that
There's a play that I
Read once or briefly
What I read
It's a
Post apocalyptic future
Where there re
Someone is at the fire telling someone
They're recounting an old
Simpsons episode
Wait a minute, there was a show not long ago
About post apocalyptic future
And the ones that were
I wish I could remember the names but the ones that
Became the biggest were the Shakespearean
Theater group
You're talking about the postman
That wasn't the name of the show
If you're talking about the postman
In which we just talked about earlier
This is a show that was on HBO
Like a year or two ago
What about the postman in which
In a post apocalyptic world
A copy salesman becomes the leader
Of a Shakespearean army
That Kevin Costner and his
New America ideals is trying to
Combat and start a new America with
The Postal Service
Pretty much the reason why
The start of it
What a great fucking movie
Why didn't we watch the postman
It would have been a lot better
You think that's Hank's favorite movie
It might be
It is, which is a
I think an inferior movie to the postman
I'm going to get a lot of shit for that
I've never seen the postman
I've watched him as a kid
It just made me realize he's in both of those
He just likes filming in the middle of fucking nowhere
Wasn't he in waterworld 2
Now we're going to the middle of the fucking ocean
Just Kevin Costner in the middle of nowhere
Can we just put him in something now
Kevin Costner is awesome
Have you ever seen the
One where he is
An older man
And he's
Thinking back on the time that he pitched
A perfect game
As a professional pitcher
And then it's also recounting his love
Story of meeting the girl
His romantic interest
And then he loses her and then
It's a good baseball movie
Are you talking about field of dreams
That's close, but it's not great
It's like he's recounting
If we're going to go off of
Kevin Costner baseball movies
You don't think I know what I'm talking about
There's field of dreams
There's also the one where he is an older
Baseball player
He's done at least 3
The baseball movie I've seen was Angels in the Outfield
And the one where the guy is like
There's no crying in baseball
That's
League of the grown
There's another one where he's like
Did I ever tell you you look like a penis with a little hat on it
Remember that
I do not remember that
The movie I was thinking of
For the Love of the Game, which is amazing
1999, love that
Then there's field of dreams, then there's Bull Durham
Which is the one I was trying to think of
Then there's a football movie
Well then there's a football one which is Draft Day
And he also has a movie called
The Criminal, so if you haven't seen The Criminal
That's actually a pretty good movie
I haven't even heard of it
I like The Guardian, Ashton Kutcher
The search and rescue
Like training, G.I. Jane style movie
Dope
That one's great, The Criminal you said?
What are we doing?
We're running
The podcast, look at this
Oh, with Ryan Reynolds?
And Tommy Lee Jones is in it as well
The last ditch effort to stop a diabolical plot
A dead CIA's operatives
Memories, secrets and skills
Oh, shit I've heard of this
This is cool
I'll watch this
That was a league of their own as well
Did I ever tell you you look like a penis with a little hat on it?
Says it's an umpire or something
That's great, I lost my track of thought
I just thought you were talking to Pickle
And then there's that other one
What's the movie where the guy
He fucking throws a mean fastball
It was just all about that
Oh, you're talking about
You're rookie of the year
Rookie of the year, yeah
And I think that stars a different kid
Than a Connecticut Yankee
In
No, no, sorry, a Yankee in King Arthur's Court
A kid Yankee
No, a kid
Sorry, I think it's called
A kid in King Arthur's Court
And it is a
It's a retelling of
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
Which is the Mark Twain
Book, which is pretty good
And I like that book
It's funny, and it has weird
Things about it, but it's a remake
And what makes it funny is because
When they say Connecticut Yankee in the
Mark Twain version, they're talking about
A Yankee, like someone who lives out
In the Yankee part of the country
Or whatever, right? And the time
Whatever Yankee meant then
But a kid in King Arthur's Court
Lives on a little league team
The Yankees, and so he's a Yankee
That falls into
And also Black Knight is a funny
Version of that
Have you ever seen Black Knight?
I think he gets knocked out
On the baseball field, wakes up in King Arthur's Court
And he's in oddity
Because he's wearing baseball uniform
And he knows the future and stuff
In the original book
What I like about it is he straight up
Just industrializes Europe
He's like, cool, hey, what's up?
I know how to make machines
Because he was a foreman of a factory
That made machines and stuff, made parts
So he's like, hey, let's go
And so he just creates plants
And industrial farms all over
All sorts of shit
It makes the future come
And then by the end of it
He's got people on telephones talking to each other
By the time he's an old age
And old man
And then as he's dying
He wakes up back in the modern day
And he, I think
I think that's how it ends
But I think, either nothing happened
Or it all happened, I don't know
It's a dream sequence
But I think the kid in King Arthur's Court
Is also a dream sequence
I don't know
Black Knight, same thing
I love that style of movie
You should read the Mark Twain book
It's not that long
Your favorite is time travel stuff
So that's a thing
Yeah, it does fit my time travel
Although, you know what, I've never read The Time Machine by H.G. Wells
I know, I need to
I have so many books that I need to read
I just
I have a few Charles Bukowski books
And then a bunch of Star Wars novels
Those are all the books I own
I'm working my way through Stephen King
I picked a book this week
Kind of at random
Because I saw it on Audible
And I was like, fuck it, let's just see what this is
Clayborne, and I had no idea
What it was about, and I had no idea
Anything about it, I just went in
Blind, because I was like, I'm just going to read all of his books
Anyway, so fuck it
And so far, I'm I think seven out of
Nine hours, so I'm close to the end
And I've enjoyed every
Fucking second of it, what an enjoyable
Fucking read this book is, it's just about
A woman who killed her husband
What an enjoyable read
She's in a police station and she's
Talking to the detectives, and the whole
Way that the book is told
Is like, from the perspective
Of like, alright, alright, just give me
Just give me a glass of water, I'll continue
And then she's talking, nobody else is
Talking, there's no
Narrator other than her, there's no
Scene painting, it's just her
Spoken word to a
Police detective about what happened
And she's like
She's accused of murdering
The woman that she worked for, the old woman that she worked for
She's saying, I didn't kill the old woman
Now by now you've probably thought
I killed my husband, I did
Let me tell you how I did that, but it's going to tell you
Why I didn't kill this woman
And so far, I've gotten to
Just got to the point where she killed her husband
Which is most of the book, so it's tricky
How they do that, and then how he does that
And now I'm going to get to the point where
She supposedly didn't kill the woman that
She kind of hates
And, but
Sort of, I don't know
It's good, I like it
I like the flashback
There's ways to not do that, and that was Ghost of Mars
How like, there was just a new flashback
Every fucking 10 minutes
I forgot about that
That was the John Carpenter touch
Like flashbacks, dream sequences, like all those things
People usually love those, I don't know
How you can fuck that up, especially when your name's John Carpenter
Best version of flashbacks
Best use, memento
You've seen memento?
What year is that?
1990 something
Guy Pierce, he wakes up
He's got tattoos all over his body
He walks up to the mirror
And written backwards so that he can read it on the mirror
Says, on July
Something, 1994, your wife was
Raped and murdered, you're trying to find the guy that did it
You know, you have short term
Memory loss, you can't remember more than
Ten minutes at a time
So it's the crow with no powers?
Except that the short term memory loss
Is
He has polaroids
In his pocket of like people that he runs into
On a daily basis that says you can trust this person
This person's shady or whatever
And he's trying to track down the killer
And this is directed by, I want to say Christopher Nolan
I think it was one of his
Adam Sandler
Oh, 2000
50-50 first dates
Oh, that's a great, yeah
It's a polaroid of a woman holding up a polaroid
Yeah, that's his tattoos
Yeah, 2000, Christopher Nolan
Movie, one of his earlier ones, but
Holy shit, one of his
Like, absolute best fucking
So good, it's such a good
Movie, and it has a
It's worth watching to the end, for sure
Like, it's a, if you haven't seen Memento
Highly recommend it, this has been the
Andy Gets High
And recommends everything other than the movie we're going to talk about
Section, roll the music
What are we talking about?
What movie are we talking about?
First off, the movie is
Mars Attacks, which came out in
1996
You had that locked and loaded earlier, so it might as well
Based on the Tops Trading Cards
That's how they got it
Speaking of the origin of the
Yes, that's the origin
It wasn't even a comic book
It was a Tops Trading Card
From way back in the day, they just had
Cool designs on it
I think where we get the radioactive looking
Skeletons, like the bright neon
Skeletons
What the aliens looked like
Verbatim, like they
Straight jacked it and put it into
1996
This movie came out and you just see them like, duplicated in like
Music, art, and like
Yeah, that's all from Tops Trading
I didn't know it was
Tops Trading Cards
And saying that that's what it was, but what a Tim Burton move to do
Is to make a movie based on that
Very Tim Burton movie
Well, who here
Had seen the movie prior to
Way back when I was a kid
How much did you remember?
Oh, a lot, I remember the
Cows running, burning in the beginning
And I was like, whoa, that's the hardest thing I've ever seen
I didn't remember that
But speaking of that, that is my first note
I was like, the cows burning would make an
Excellent fucking burger commercial
That was your first note? My first note was the credits
Oh, no, no, no, no, those came after
The credits were
I was like, great
I was hoping that the opening credits would be
A Mars Attacks
Just like Steel
Was the creation of Steel
And Mack and me was the
Was Aliens traveling
Through space
I love when they get me a good intro
That's just the title of the movie
To me, I was like, the first thing
That was the setup for what me and my wife
Through this whole movie had a problem with
Which was the timing
How the fuck did this movie take place?
Because the UFOs were from the 40s or 50s
That's not a flaw
That's a treasure
It's the same reason why we love
Edward Scissorhands so much
Because you look at the neighborhoods, the suburban neighborhoods
In Edward Scissorhands and you're like
Is this 1950s or is this 1990s
Because they'd be doing some 1990 shit
In 1950s aesthetics
And that's what makes Tim Burton so quirky
Especially in his early days
This was beyond quirky because it wasn't one time period
It was eight time periods
Who here had not seen the movie?
I had not
I never saw the movie either until yesterday
And yesterday was the first time I saw it
And you had only seen it as a kid?
No, I've seen it a few times since I was a kid
I love the movie
And I don't know how because it's my kind of movie
This time I watched it, it paid way more attention
The background shit in this movie
Some of it's delightful
What the Martians are up to
One of them was just
Howling a cow on his back
Just walking through the fucking back
It's kind of a precursor to Later in the Lab
Way more weird things
Like the president's daughter's name
Is Taffy
That's what I wrote, Taffy?
Or how about the fact that
Jack Nicholson is two major characters
In this
Or the guy that's trying to build
The casino, that's all he cares about
No, the guy trying to build the casino
That's Jack Nicholson
That's what I'm saying, he plays two major characters
He's the president and the guy trying to make the hotel
We spent hours
Trying to figure it out because the wig works
You cannot tell who it is
And the voice is
That was insane
Jack Nicholson cosplaying as Kid Rock
Sorry, but yes
I was watching it all the time
The moment he started talking I was like
Wait a minute, there's no fucking way
That he's two
There's two Jack Nicholson's in this movie right now
But the voice, he was changing his voice
He wasn't talking the same at all
Also Natalie Portman is so mild
With the whole movie
She just doesn't give a fuck
She just watched a bunch of people get slaughtered by the force
She's like, I guess they're not
No, her line was
I guess they don't like humans
No, no, I guess they don't like birds
Birds
She just watched
A bunch of military people
Get fucking annihilated
A bunch of civilians by death rates
And she goes, I guess they don't like birds
And that speaker guy of the house
The guy that gets the hookers all the time
Oh, Martin Short
Martin Short
Wait, real quick
Natalie Portman, you know how she was super mild
She was really queen amadalaling herself
Throughout that crisis
She was just like a plain face
Except the only difference is
Way less wardrobe changes
If you go back and watch episode one
She changes her clothes every five minutes
She looks different
Part of her job is
She has to be dressed differently
We don't know the politics of space
Especially that long ago
The thing about my point
You're just picking up hookers
In between the Washington Monument and the White House
You're just picking up a hooker
Like, hey, I'm in a limo
Come check it out
Right outside the fucking White House
We knew that he was asking for dates
With people that you meet in random places
It's called love at first sight
And don't shit on love
Have you ever seen serendipity?
It's basically serendipity
I've been to the White House
I've been to the Washington Monument
There's no hookers there
There's also not a UFO that knocks it over
And catches it and brings it back
But yeah, there's not hookers there
Is what I'm saying
I'm saying that Martin Short
Had a limo for the day
With beautiful looking, heavily makeup'd women
And he asked them
They asked him because they're like
Would you like a date?
And he's like, well, how am I going to pass this up?
And he said yes
Which led to one of the funniest lines in the movie
When he said, we call this the Kennedy Room
Oh, that's great
See, you've got to think that was
Really controversial when this came out
In 96?
Everybody's known since the 60s
You know what's really controversial?
Is when they're having the press meeting
And that weird looking guy steps up
Do the Martians have two sexes like we do?
I love that
I think that was one of the best
The press conference asked nothing of importance
It was just like, hey, so aliens have come out
Blah, blah, blah
And then Michael J. Fox, who I love in this role
He's such a swarmy little
But he's not a bad guy
He's just a swarmy little guy
And he goes like, so are we going to be able to talk to these fucking aliens?
And the guy's like, I don't know, we'll figure it out
And the next one's like, do they have two sexes like humans?
It's like, this is what people fucking ask
Humans are stupid
It's that Tommy Lee Jones line from fucking
Humans are, a person is wonderful
Yeah, they're a strong, capable
But human beings are fucking stoned
Was that his point of this movie?
That humans suck?
Yeah, was that his whole
He always has a point of view
I don't think there
I don't think there was a
I don't think there was a highlight
That poor kid with his shitty fucking family
They just worshiped Jack Black
The son
Like that just reminded me so much of my family
And made me sound sad, dude
Just a bunch of like, they're fucking not taking my TV
That's literally what my family was like
I feel like, again, this might be a little bit
Controversial for you
I guess, but I think that Jack Black got a bad deal
First off
When we're introduced to Jack Black
I think that he's a good guy
First off, when we're introduced to Jack Black's character
And his father and mother
It's a normal trailer park family
Nothing wrong with it
You got a big family, living in a small trailer
You gotta do what you gotta do, it's cramped
I'm sure they like, whatever
But, he just assembled a fucking AK-47
Or whatever
In under two minutes, that's impressive
His dad, he checks it
He goes, I told you dad I was gonna get it in under two minutes
His dad's super fucking proud of him, I love it
And then the dickhead younger brother comes in
Well, you want a cookie?
And then you see Jack Black's face go
Like, get serious for a moment
And then he just kind of brushes it off and tries to get happy with his dad again
Moment ruined
Long haired kid, dickhead
Go spend some time with fucking your demented grandmother
You know what, I get it
I fucking get it
I know why you're siding with him, you long haired dude
With your demented grandmother
No, she's not demented, that's just dad
Just kidding
If your dickhead dad, in my case grandpa
Just worshiped your other fucking son
Forever, and just kissed his fucking ass
Even though he wasn't shit
Like, yeah, you'd be a little bit
What do you want, a fucking cookie?
And he ends up being the one saving the world
Yeah, and he saved the fucking world
And Jack Black didn't kill one of them
You notice, Jack Black didn't kill one of those damn things
I'm on Martian detail
You're putting up fucking road signs you fucking
Here's the thing
He got
He volunteered in a moment of crisis
Okay?
He's a little overweight
So you know that already he's
Struggling with like, are they even going to accept me
But he's still gung ho about it, he takes the bus ride over
He enlists
They're not going to put him on active fucking
Combat duty up two days later
He's got to go through basic training at least
So, him even being
Out there, that's brave
Him even being out there
On presidential, on general protection
Detail is a brave thing
And his haircut was brave
You ever seen Tales from the Crypt?
What a fashion bitch you are
What a fashion little bitch you are
And that haircut was brave
You look ugly
Jack Black
But I will say his strategy of
Shit starts fucking popping off
And he just starts running towards the alien
Hides behind a truck
Finds a gun
And then dies immediately without killing anybody
Oh god, that death
That fucked with me as a kid
How it goes to here it stops
And just Jack Black's head
I was like, oh god
The cows in that were
Traumatizing as a kid
What I was hoping though is
Right before he died, what he actually says is
I surrender and then puts his gun up
And then dies, right? What I was hoping for
Is that the news articles later
Inside the family's
House would be like, coward
Soldier dies a coward
Death surrendering to
Aliens or something would be such a
Better like icing on the cake of like
That family so they have to deal with the kind of shame of it
So anyway, I did put that long haired dick
Or that long haired kid was a dick
To fucking Jack Black for no reason
It makes it worse when he's the hero
I think the
Casino manager that deals
With the fictional boxer guy
In the very beginning
Jack Nicholson's casino manager
But the little dude
Is a fucking G
He knows what's up, the guy's like
I need a raise for my family and stuff
He's like, nah
Well, listen man, I could get two boxers
That are just as good as you for fucking
Maybe less
Danny DeVito was just a cameo
Jim Brown, right?
I will say I misremembered this movie
Yeah, Jim Brown
I misremembered this movie, I thought the ending
Was always
They play Tom Jones
Through the speakers
I said is Tom Jones going to save the world? That's what I said when they first played it
But
Because that was always a misremember for me
I forgot that it was that weird music
That the grandma listened to
I always thought that they put on Tom Jones
At the end and that's what got them
But then I knew this was false
Because the aliens get on stage
With Tom Jones as he's singing
And they start dancing, doing the backup
What a great
What a fun, poorly acted cameo
From Tom Jones, he's not a great actor
You made that other song that's
What's new, Pussycat?
Whoa whoa whoa
If there's a whoa whoa
Tom Jones
Fucking did it bro
I like how when they finally cut to the casino
And there's a lady that loses on slots
Two times in a row as it's panning
And she's still smiling
Like the machine is rolling
And it rolls
She lost two times in a row
She rolled it, lost, rolled it, lost again
She's still like
Fun
There's so many of those little scenes in this movie
That just have a little shot
Almost like when the aliens attack and they roll
The bowl
The whole sequence
You really pay attention
It shows certain things
And then just weird off angle
Footage of people running around
And then it cuts to another funny thing
So when I saw
Them roll
A bowling ball to knock
Down the Easter head
Easter Island heads or whatever
At that point I realized
These aliens are just fucking around
They're having fun with their mission
And so that means that they're
Barbaric
I don't know what the difference between war
And barbarism, like barbaricism
Is or whatever
But if it's the line of enjoying your work
While you do it
Then we gotta look at some things
Some Americans were barbaric during Vietnam
And a lot of Germans were barbaric
During World War II
And then you gotta think
The Martians were barbaric during their attack on Earth
Because
That's some vicious shit
The fact that you're gonna play with your food
The fact that you're gonna show up to Congress
I understand as a
Strategic move makes sense
Get all of Congress into one place
Murder, murderize them all
But I'm not saying
Don't cut that one here
It's murder all of Congress
If you can get them all in one place
It was a great strategy if you're trying to
Attack Earth
As Mars, Martians
When they all meet them in the desert
And they're like, we come in peace
We are your friends
Come here
Did anyone ever decide if that was
A language misinterpretation
Or were they here to attack
No, they were fucking with them
The moment I saw them
Playing with their food
They're just trolling them
They have a little box
That translates to them
We are your friends, don't run from us
Come here, is it just murdering everyone
In sight
The hippie guy that
Came in peace
That guy's the right president
For fucking sure, dude
He was high as fuck
Which was the first laugh out loud moment
In the movie when they shot
That damn duff
It was serious
How did he play serious with the cows on fire
Running through, that was pretty funny
From the time they went to the president
At the very beginning
Jack Nicholson, by the way
What a fucking presidential role
He played it so serious
In such a comedic movie
And he dies in such a funny
Whatever, everything about his role
Is funny, but I would
See him again as a president in a
Serious movie any day
Well, he can't do it now
Why? He's got that Bruce Willis disease now
Does he really? Yeah, he can't
Remember his lines and shit anymore
Oh, by the way
OJ Simpson died
The other day, fuck yeah
Are we allowed to celebrate that
You were sitting in the battle with Kansas
Yeah, I saw that
I saw you post that, that was great
Yeah, I mean
I don't have anything to follow that up with
Are we sponsored
Are we sponsored by
Knife sharpener
Anthony sent me
Anthony Mitchell, our comedic leader
Sent me in a news article
Saying OJ confesses to his family
Before death
Click on it, it just shows a black dude
With a giant fucking hog
It's just a troll
I prefer getting Rick rolled
Than dick rolled
I just made that
Actually, I want that to be a tattoo
Where I get a barcode tattoo
And if anyone scans it
It takes you to Rick Astley's Never Get Over It
That's great, that'll be really funny in 40 years
I know, it's less than a while so
When people have to download the nostalgic
App to read barcodes
And then it'll take them to the internet
Quote unquote, whatever that used to be
And then they can find out what a Rick Astley is
Whatever a hologram
They're looking through
If I can roll someone in their fucking mind chip
That fucking, yeah
Their Google glass
Oh see, now that's the one terrifying aspect
Of the mind chip, I'm totally for the mind chip
Put the mind chip in, if I can literally lay down
In a bed and I'm just walking around
In Final Fantasy World
Just being fucking dope, absolutely
I'm making a full feeling and sensation
All that shit, perfect
Just put a tube, feed me, I don't care
That's what you're gonna do
You're gonna lay in your bed and be in Final Fantasy World
Not banging Megan Fox
Yes
Well, you gotta think, even with AI
It's gonna get to the point where there's gonna be
Like Star Trek, Holodeck level
Pornography
Where people are going to AI
Recreate Megan Fox, like you're saying
Exactly down to Megan Fox
You haven't done that yet with your
You'll be able to choose
Wait a minute, wait, wait
You're talking to someone who owns a
What is it you have that does that? 3D
I have an Oculus Quest
Does an Oculus have that?
It has VR porn if you want to get that
And you've never looked at it to see?
I'm asking about it because I don't know
I don't own one
No
Because I don't need to use VR for porn
If I was gonna look at porn
What are you talking about?
Two days fine with you
You beat anyone else up lately
When they have one of the Martians come down as the alien chick
Oh God
You're so graceful
What are we rating that chick?
I'm gonna rate her on
Oh
I was gonna say
There's a Patrick girl in there
The one that's next to Jim Brown
Besties, of course Mike
Is her name Smothers?
Do you remember the actress's name?
No
That played Cleopatra in that movie? No
I wanna say Alexandria Smothers
That's a poor name if I've ever heard one
I would say
If we're gonna rate on
Bangability
We tried this dude
It's sore on IMDB with this movie because there's so many
stars
If you're trying to look for an actor in there, good luck
Yeah, because there is a ton
There is a ton
The amount of famous people in this movie is insane
That's Lisa Marie
She's the one who played the
Big head girl
Martian girl
No, no, we're looking for the Cleopatra
Why would her name be Cleopatra here?
Oh, is the
You can't sort that way so I don't know
And that outfit
If this was on Amazon, it would like
Was it Christina Apatee?
No, because she plays a young
What are we doing? This is the pervious thing we've ever done
Let's just move on
You know what, if you wanna jerk off to the Cleopatra
There she is
We found her, it's Janice Rivera
Janice Rivera
Is that who that is? What else has she been in?
She's been in six things
Mars Attacks being one of them
Cindy, Byron's co-worker
Last Action Hero
Oh, Unaccredited
I was gonna do maybe
Last Action Hero is the movie for this week
And I might be assigned
But now let's look at the picture
Of Bangability for this chick
Wait, we're gonna
What we're gonna do is
Fuck Mary Kill
The Martian alien robot chick
The dog headed
Sarah Michelle
Sarah Jessica Parker
As the dog
Or the dog headed
Version with her body
That's the three
We're doing alien chick
With the Martian inside
We're doing Sarah Jessica Parker
With the dog body
Or her body with the dog head
Fuck Mary Kill
Cage Pickle
Out of those three choices
It's the alien girl
Because I always thought Sarah Jessica Parker is overrated
Okay, you would rather
Fuck an alien and a robot body than
A green blooded nasty alien
I mean the last time
You were saying fuck the robot
The last time she looked good was in
The Navigator
What an oddly specific
Reference
Remember that baby?
Sarah Jessica Parker was in the Navigator
I guess I'll look up Sarah Jessica Parker
I have the solution
For everyone
Kill the alien
The Martian chick
Gross
Fuck the dog headed
And then marry the alien
At least it's someone I can talk to
I'm not going to bang her
You're my wife, I can talk to you
You can choke that dog out
You can choke that annoying little fucking dog out
I think we can leave it there
Wait a minute, Patrick
There we go
You left the clear map
It's really going to give you bad choices
This is the case
Oh, so
Pam Greer plays an interesting character
She's in a wonderful moment on the bus
First off she talks to her husband
I haven't seen the kids in a few days
Kids will just be kids, it's New York City
They just disappear for a few days
Don't worry about it, they're 9 and 12 years old respectively
I'm sure they'll be fine on the streets
They're badass, I love those kids
And she's like, oh okay
And so she's driving the bus
Which is one of the best moments
And she sees them playing the alien game
And she takes them off the bus
Or onto the bus, yells and scolds them
Puts them on the bus, gets the applause from the people on the bus
Which is what's a wonderful moment
But then they get home
And they're playing the same alien game
Which makes me think
What the fuck
What game is that?
Why go to an arcade and spend money to play
A game you literally own at home
They have the light gun system set up
They literally could have played
I get it, they want to ditch school
They don't want to go to school
And they're thinking, let's go to the arcade and play the game
They can hang out with mom
Listen, we did it all the time
We went to the arcade, I had the same games at home
And I went to the arcade
Which is silly, what a silly thing to do
I've lost all control of my cup holder
I was guarding it
I thought you were going to kiss me at some point
Those kids were great
I was trying to figure this out when we were looking at credits
Because look at all the famous people in there
Ray J, was he one of the kids?
Yeah
Okay, I was
Quite upset with him and Kim Kardashian
He was one of the kids
Him and Kim Kardashian, they're the ones that had the sex tape
The one that made her famous
The one that launched the Kardashian empire
Was Ray J's dick in that one
Sex tape
Weird timing, huh? OJ dies and then now we're talking about Ray J
And now we're talking about Ray J
Holy shit, Ray J
OJ
And it's hard to make those
Jay-Z? No wait, hold on
It's hard to make those OJ jokes
But you know, I'm going to take a stab at it
My favorite one is always drink apple juice
Because OJ will kill you
The scene in the White House
First of all, the alien
Turns to one of them
And his laser gun
Makes a revolver noise
That's cool
Also, two kids protecting the president
Get the president out of here! That would never happen
It's not even a white or black thing
It's a kid thing, fuck Biden
They were just playing the game to them
You could tell in the way it was shot
They were playing the game to them, this is cool
I've been doing this
Get the president out of here
That was good foreshadowing from Tim Burton
Pierce Brosnan character
Great
Really? Yeah, what a swarming dickhead
Did you not watch him as 007?
Oh look, he's just playing the same part
Only as a professor
I didn't see him
Obviously that's my James Bond
But he didn't really bring it
Obviously he's doing a comedy
He could have outshone it
I would have been happy if he actually acted really well
As a professor
He was really goofy
Honestly, most people did not play this movie straight
He played it like most people did
That's what I thought was so great about Jack Nicholson
He played so straight
While everyone around him
Was kind of in on the joke
I got to watch that new Pierce Brosnan movie
The Adam Devine one
Adam Devine works at a bank
He's marrying this chick
And her parents used to be bank robbers
And they robbed the bank
That he works at and get him involved
Pierce Brosnan is the dad
I think I've seen him in a
He's wearing like a turtleneck
With a black turtleneck sort of deal
He looks like he's going to rob a bank
Maybe I'm wrong
Maybe I'm thinking of a different movie
Do you know why
Bald people don't wear
Turtlenecks
Because they look like a giant broke condom
I knew there was going to be a dick and bald
I knew the moment would come
Mr. Pickle
It's Mr. Pickle, what do you want?
I like how you say bald people
You could have just said you know why I don't wear turtlenecks
I think in that
I get what you're saying
That they were all in on the joke
They were, but I think they all played
They all acted wonderfully
I think that was his intention
Because Annette Benning was wonderful
When you watch this movie you get the few people that are serious
And everyone around them not being so
It kind of fits
But you say not serious
They're serious, they're supposed to be
Typical 1950s caricatures
They're caricatures
Or Jack Nicholson is not
I think that's what I'm saying
The character is perfect
But he played the character straight
Is what I'm saying
The hippie chick
That's married to the Jack Nicholson
Annette Benning
She's like this is so terrible
Here's some money
I love that
I love that she's sitting on the car
Just totally vibing out
When the aliens come out
And then she freaks
It's just so many nice touches
To them
But we're all these years later
This is 28 years later
At the time
This movie didn't do that well
I don't think it would do well today
I heard it's one of the most expensive
Movies they made because of all the actors
And all that
Special effects and all that
260 million dollars
But I heard opening weekend it made
9 million
So 80 million budget but it only made 101
No it's not
You gotta make at least
Three times
At least three times
But that's total with video and everything
That's box ups
That's worldwide box office
That's not even American box office
Here in America it just didn't do well
Well yeah
Because they usually spend
Twice the budget on
Marketing
And then
I read
There's a thing I follow where they talk about this
So they would need to make
160 million
To basically break even
And so it's a flop
At 101
That's why it didn't get a sequel
But if it made 200 million
Or 80 million
Then it would have been somewhat successful
I'm just curious 96
Was that the fifth biggest movie that whole year?
Yeah because there were some great movies
100 million is a lot of money in 96
Yeah and there was great movies
That came out that summer
You had
Twister
How was it received in that year?
Twister came out
That year
Independence Day
Came out that same year
Top box office
Popular 1996
Chamber
Titanic
Is that the same Titanic?
It is
Dragon Heart came out that year
There's a lot of great movies
Last Man Standing
Kiss Good Night
We reviewed that
Hell yeah
No Escape was 1996
The Rock came out
Eraser came out
I saw that in theaters
All dude that's the real question
Cable Guy came out in 1996
So did Scream
Yeah fuck dude of course
Don't be a menace to South Central
Did Scream make 100 million?
I bet Scream 100 million
Cable Guy didn't do that way
No
Top box office come on
I don't even think Chain Reaction did that good
Domestic Box Office from 1996
Independence Day
Twister, Mission Impossible, The Rock, Nuddy Professor
Ransom, Bird Cage, Time to Kill
101 Domations, First Wives Closie
Racer, Phenomenon, Hunchback
Space Jam
Star Trek First Contract
Broken Hero
No it doesn't matter
It doesn't matter
How is it not there?
It's getting killed
Mars Attacks
Dragon Heart maybe
There it is right there number 60
There you go see
That one says 27 million
That's domestic
Father of the Bride
Total Gross
Independence Day came out the same year
Oh lots of great movies
Father of the Bride Part 2
Spiderman
That fucking John Travolta movie
Where he plays an angel come to Earth
Called Michael
Which we should totally review when you die
Because it's an angel
If you actually do die
I'm not going to die
I'm just telling you
We're going to review either Crank 2 High Voltage
Or we're going to do Michael
The movie about a dude named Michael
There's so many more movies beat out
It's going to be clenching as hard
In the last moments
There's a lot of good movies out here
What did you say?
It says Mike's last moments
At least they're going to do that movie
At least Fried Rice Podcast
Will do that movie Michael
Andy's going to make so many jokes
Not me dying
We did kill him, old fucking...
It'll be fun
The movie Jack with Robbo
All proceeds of zero dollars
Will go to Mike's family
Okay, so
I say we
Will all take a go at the alien
Robot chick according to
Gage Pickle over here
Cleopatra, that's what he's talking about
And then we get to the
It's a pretty rushed movie
It jumps around a lot
But we get to the end
Pretty much
You thought it was rushed?
A little bit
I thought this would be such a good movie
It was 20 minutes shorter
No, I think it covered everything you need to cover
I think we got enough aliens attacking
We got enough of their shenanigans
I liked that we got a lot of on ship stuff
That we got a lot of their internal command stuff
That they were laughing and viciously enjoying
With the fact that they were exterminating this fucking planet
Of near intellectual beings
Because we're first off
A sister planet
There's no reason to attack
We weren't really exploring Mars other than sending the occasional rover
And they're underground anyway
They were successfully able to hide from us
The attack doesn't make any sense
How were they able to build so many saucers underground?
Where did they get all the metal from?
And they didn't really explore the telepathic abilities too much
Unless that's how they communicate with each other
Doesn't matter
The point is
The point is you have no point
They had so much
That's what I sound like
No, it was great
I loved every scene
There wasn't a scene I would have cut
What would you have cut?
I would have cut all the interspersals
Between just the people running
For no reason
There was a lot of editing choices in this
That were way longer than they needed to be
Towards the end of the movie
We literally said
If this movie went into 10 minutes ago
It would have been a really good movie
Not towards the very end, but like 20 minutes before the end
When they started after all that
And then they went through a lot of judge submission
About how they got to the president
How they killed the president
Just it got repetitive
When they killed a boxer and they're flying the plane
And they see them all back away from him
But then he just walks up
Like whatever
They could have flown over and seen them
Piling on him and left it that way
They didn't have to walk away like, oh he's dead
There was a lot of that stuff
A lot of very specifics
It didn't need to be there
Especially since he's right there
On the box
I can say the credits could have been
45 seconds shorter
Like I said
When I get a solid
1993 to 1998
Movie
I want there to be a
3 minute long credit sequence
That is
The title of the movie
Explaining itself, we've gotten so much
If we do Twister
If it's not a fucking 3 minute
Uncut shot of just a Twister
Doing a Twister
Or a family playing Twister
Or
The Beatles performing the twist
Then I am not
For it. That needs to be the credits
They kind of cut Michael J. Fox
Pretty hard in this one. He did, he got
Shocked hard. He got murdered
His wife flirted with the
Scientist guy, the Martians
Turned her into a dog
They combined her with her dog and then
She made out with him
She didn't care at all
That was obvious the whole time
When she put her head on the dog body
What a bitch
My point is
This movie, everything goes just a little
Too far
Who's a sweet woman? Sarah, Jessica, horse face Parker?
Hey
That's funny
Bitch
That doesn't reflect the idea
You've got the guy with Parkinson's
There's some distractions
Good lord, you are so anti-woman
It's insane
I think she's the villain in this
Yeah Mike, you going to join him on this bandwagon?
You probably could get Cage Pickle
Yeah, I know, because he doesn't like her eating
Do you think the grandma should have been just a little bit sweeter?
No, I think he was
Played right
I agree
She was a little bit too cynical
She was basically like, yeah fuck you
I like this guy better
She's an asshole, but she saved the world
Whatever
She just likes shitty music
Just me as the long haired kid and the grandma being like
My grandma and then the son
Jack Black being my uncle and the dad
Being my grandpa
That whole thing was just like, holy fucking shit
This is like too real right now
They kept saying, where are they?
Shitty family
Where is this family at that they're
30 years behind
This people here
They cut from that family
Being out of the straight 50s
Backwards
Bullshit, straight to
Michael J. Fox and his skinny tie
It's like
What the fuck
What year is it?
I love the whole story A, story B, story C
Kind of thing
But the time
Switching is when I was having so much trouble
Because that's what they did
It wasn't interspersed in the same scene
It was, here you are
It looks like 1958 now
We're going to switch scenes, it's 1985
Oh, let's switch again, here's the military
They're carrying M1 carbons from 1948
And green
OD uniforms that they haven't
Warned since 1954
I could take you to a few spots in Louisiana
You think we're still in the 50s
That's what we actually ended up saying
Well maybe it was like 1979
Or 80, right at the cusp
And you still had a few hippies
Around, you know, backwards people
You go 30 miles in the middle of Kansas
From Kansas City
And I'm sure that's the way it was
What were the cars looking like? Like when they were in Vegas and in the city
No, they were normal, they were 80s
Late 70s, early 80s cars
In the cities
And then in the town he was driving the old
50s pickup truck
When did the Tops cards come out?
The Tops cards came out in the 50s
Or 60s
They reissued them when I was a kid
They had a reissue of those when I was a kid
When they first did garbage pail kids
And all that stuff, they reissued them at that time
That's the setting of the year
That's the first one, the cards came out
Oh, the cards, okay
Oh shit, they did make them
They did make a
That's gnarly
So no, all he did was copy this
So that's the year
1962
If you want to get
So how did they get closed from the future?
That's what I'm saying
That's a 1994 card though
But what I'm saying is
Tim Burton copied
The cards from the 60s
Right?
And shot it with whatever fucking stuff he had
But it was an homage to the 50s
So it's a 1996 movie
It's 1996
But they're using
Retrofuturism sort of
A deal, because if you notice
If it's 1996, they would have better shit
Than analog tapes to do the
To do the voice recording
Or the voice thing, yeah, the big box thing
That was very 50s-esque
But yet, no cell phones
96 had cell phones
Except the big guy with the big guy in the Jeep
Couldn't you identify the uniforms?
Yes, that's what I did, there were 1958 uniforms
What do you have?
Late Korean forces
In the Jeep, in the movie, he had a cell phone
By Vietnam, we were already in the 90s
And that was 61
The military was late 50s
That's what I'm saying, what I'm saying is
He just copied this, I think the uniforms
Were probably custom built for this
To look like the ones from Mars Attacks
Because if you look at the army dudes on here
They look just like the ones from the movie
Look at that, right?
The general had on modern uniforms
That's what I'm saying
It was mixed up
Is my point
At what point in time was Vegas built up to that level?
Because I know what they just, when they destroyed that building
I think that was actual
Demolition footage of that actual
Real building, wasn't it?
No, that old casino?
Is that the, uh
Oh, that, which one?
The which old casino?
What are we doing? What are we fucking doing here?
We're just arguing for arguing sake
I'm curious, I'm trying to ask what year it was set in
Maybe that's the whole thing that we're going for
Or as we end up saying at the end
Oh wait, it's Tim Burton, it's an alternate universe
It doesn't matter
This could be
This is 100% an alternate universe
This isn't, this doesn't take place
At any point in time that
Has existed in our history
Never had a retro
1996 that felt like the 1950s
Right, well we didn't hear either
Except when it went to the country
That was my point
Is it in the Burton universe? Is there a Burtonverse where it's all in the same universe?
No, that wouldn't make sense
Then wouldn't that make it a Christmas movie?
Well technically
If
You could put
If you went nightmare before Christmas
As a Tim Burton movie, because he didn't direct it
But he helped create it
I think he produced it
But if you count that
I don't know what universe we would
Like where would we
Where are we in the forest?
Because I understand there being
Holiday towns that exist
Holiday creatures that make holidays happen
And the magic that goes
And I'm sure Santa Claus bounces out of there
And goes delivers toys to us
In the real world
But where are we
In that forest?
Are we just in a tree that's the Earth?
Like the real world tree
And if Jack Skellington were to theoretically go through there
Would he then exist in our own world?
Does he? And when he comes out
He's just a claymation because that's what he exists as
In the real world
There's a tree that's Earth 616
In Marvel
Yeah
But is it
Just like when something is
Because Christmas and
The idea of Santa Claus and elves and all that stuff
Is all make believe anyway
And so is a lot of the ideas of
What we
What?
I'm sorry, spoilers
But isn't it like
What you're reading right now
Is it that universe all tied together as well?
Stephen King?
Well Stephen King cheats
Stephen King has the Dark Tower series
To be like fuck you everything's connected
I'll just connect whatever I want
Fuck you
He basically just created the Spider-Verse
Years and years ago
And he's just
The Dark Tower series
At first you're thinking oh cool
Here's a gunman following this
This dude, this dark guy
Across the desert trying to hunt him down
And then you realize oh wait a minute
Some dude from New York who's
Sort of related to
Stephen King book
Just got transported, now he's helping this gunman out
And then just keeps going
And then you realize oh wait a minute
Stephen King has
At one point, spoilers if you haven't
Read Dark Tower I guess, but at one point
Roland
The gunslinger
He
There's a few books in
But he gets transported to Maine
And right after
Stephen King gets hit by that
Van, which happened in real life
In real life in the 90s
Stephen King got hit by a van
On a jog and the newspapers
Across the country reported that he died
He did it, he survived
And the next
Is that cover for a long time, like the readers on obituary
Well yeah, he did write an obituary
For a, or a whatever
For Richard Bachman is his
Pending, he said obituary
I gotta do a tangent with any of your tangent, but there is a guy
The guy who created dynamite
I believe it was
He had like a stroke or something
And everyone thought he died, is it his name Jimmy?
Nevermind, it's all reference
I don't remember, but
Yeah, everyone thought he died
It was a long time ago, obviously dynamite
He read his own obituary
Of everyone calling him like the merchant of death
Or something like that
Because he created, and it gave him a heart attack
And then he died for real
What do you guys
This is a good story
This picks up all the audio
No whispering
I guess when we're
This will be the forgotten tangent
Sorry, I thought it was very fascinating
But no, you guys keep going
J.J., Jeremy, Johnson, J.J., Jehovah
J.J., Billy, no one gets it
You're old
Yeah, we'll get you old
There'll be someone that gets it
Old bitch
Dynamite
Okay, Kyle Jr.
Oh my god, they were doing a fat Albert reference
The whole time
That's not about Albert
He said obituary
Wait, what's J.J.
From? Obituary, obituary
What's J.J. from?
From a
J.J., Jimmy
Dynamite
What TV show?
Mama's Good Times
No
It's the one from Pineapple Express
It's Good Times, the one from Fonzie
That's my mama
Well, anyway
That's Happy Days
The one where he kicks the jukebox
It came out right after
The Brady Bunch shows up
And then Archie Bunker comes in
And is like, get the fuck out of here
God damn it Mike
They answer a coconut telephone
And the professor's on the other line
That's it, you got it
Bobby Brady
You're gonna suck
But anyway, at one point the gunslinger
Saves Stephen King's life
After he gets hit by a van
Which happened in real life
And that's a thing
So then he asks Stephen King
Hey, think you could change the story
A little bit for me to help me out a little bit
And Stephen King's like, yeah, I got you
I am the god of this universe
He puts that in the book
Yeah, and then he starts changing the story
This is all in the fucking book
Dark Tower's nuts
And then his son becomes a spider god at some point
And chases him on a never ending train
It's some good stuff
Is that where Tarantino got the idea?
Of?
Fucked up universe
This is all in the universe
A movie they're watching in the universe
So he can just say any fucking thing anyway
There's no universe there, he just made that shit up
It's like the Stephen King of the movie universe
Because he worked at a movie store in New Jersey
Yeah, and he just
Everything's in this universe
Well, no, it's not, you're saying I'm watching a movie
Yeah, I buy that
They got away with it with Buzz Lightyear
Yeah, that's true
Didn't he write Shawshank Redemption?
Stephen King?
He wrote, that's a short story
Was that Richard Botman though?
It's Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption
And it's part of a short story collection
I don't know if it's Four Seasons
Or if it's
The other one
But it's good, it's a great little
I think it's the one that has the body
Which is what they did the
Stand By Me based on
The kids find the body
That's based on the body
Which is what he called, and I think that's in the same
Short story collection as
Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank
So that was like a banger of a fucking short story
Yeah, you knew quite a bit about it
That's the one where they intervene to the fat kid
There's a fat kid in that, right?
Yeah, yeah, it's also Corey Feldman
They have to run across the
It's Corey Feldman
And River Phoenix when he was younger
Who was young Indiana Jones and also
Really?
Died off of a highball in front of his brother
Joaquin Phoenix at a club
That's why he became
The Joker, if you want to be
Right? You can probably tap into that
Joker 2 is coming out
I don't want to watch the trailer
Because I want to be surprised
By everything, but
I like the first one quite a bit
It's weird
I love the ending
With what's his face?
Robert De Niro?
Anyway, Stephen King
He's great
There's an audio book store
That used to rent CD audio books
That was right next to the Blockbuster when I grew up
And there's a big quote on the window
And I think I get it wrong every time
But it's to the effect of
I have the heart of an 8 year old boy
I keep it in a jar on my desk
Stephen King
I love it
It's such a good quote
And I saw that and I was like
Who's this Stephen King guy?
And I think the first book I read of his was Insomnia
Which is a weird one to start with
Because that's almost sort of multiverse
Because it doesn't matter
What are we doing? This isn't Stephen King hour
We're talking Mars Attack
Tomas clipped together every time
And he says, what are we doing?
That would fill an hour and a half on its own
They find out the music kills everybody
That's funny
It's pretty gory too
Like those heads exploding
I'm trying to find that song and make that the Instagram post
Yodeling
Slim Whitman
I love that we can add music to that image post
Wait, he knows who it is
Who is it? Slim Whitman
Yodeling
The grandma
I'm sure you could just type in Mars Attacks
You could type in Slim Whitman
We know the guy
What's the song called?
I don't know
It's him yodeling though
Oh man, the internet sucks out here
It's going to take a million years to figure it out
Yeah, sorry
Look, I'm ready to
My final notes on this would be
Aesthetically, what a pleasing movie
You get that with Tim Burton
There's so many cool costume choices
And set design choices
And I think the CGI
Especially for fucking 1996
Holds the fuck up
The stuff with the ray guns
The aliens themselves
Look great to this day
I was like, when was this made?
This is great
Did you not get the feeling of claymation
Or not claymation
But 3D animation within it though
I got a little bit of that
This is kind of mixed
You can see
That the aliens
Were not part of the frame
No, 100%
The handshake was horrible
Horrible
The president shaking the aliens
That's it
That'll kill an alien
Or me
Maybe
That's so good
This was sort of a weird
Sea story
Christina Applegate's character
She doesn't say a word
She's Jack Black's girlfriend
She's caught fucking some other dude
And that's her whole story arc
And then she dies
But she's a great actress
And she's gone through a lot recently
I just learned that just now
I thought that was just two random people
No, it was Christina Applegate
Because it was a cut scene again
I don't know how they did it
But this is good
This is good because it's all them
That's what I'm saying
It's only when they're mixed in with the humans
That it looks bad
What they did was probably smart
Was make the uniforms
Just that
Plasticy
Just one uniform color
I feel like if you had a 3D
Modeler right now
You'd be able to
Duplicate this, yes
But back then they didn't have that
They had to make it themselves
They also had practical effects versions
There's some dead ones laying around
And the kids take over
Can you imagine how saw after
And expensive those props are
If they even still exist
They'd probably just fucking throw them out
How about that blood splattered painting
From whatever we were talking about earlier
Oh, maniac
That wasn't on the plot
Austin just shows up
And he's like, hey
Before Mike gets here
Let's watch this 10 minute short film
And we're like, okay
Cage Pickle and I are like, yeah, what's up
It stars Kid Cudi and another rapper, cool
And that's probably one of the darker movies
That I've ever seen
It's 10 minutes Mike, you should watch it
I almost don't want to give it away
But holy shit, it's brutal
But at one point
Someone gets their head, their brain
Splattered against a painting
And they're like, I don't have any more money now
If you just think about it
I have a painting, right
If I got my head blown out
And splattered
There's now a niche market
That would be more valuable
If they could get a murderized painting
A painting that would be evidence in a murder scene
John Wayne Gacy's paintings
You got a bank scene, you got a rice scene
A bank scene and a rice scene
You see the one where he sold a painting
For like 2 million dollars
And you have it on display
That's one of the best, have you seen that
Have you seen that
It's insane, Banksy
He puts a painting that is up for auction
And
Right when someone buys it
For like 2 million dollars or whatever
It literally was in a frame that was designed to just shred it
So like a shredder just starts
From the top and just shreds the painting right in front of everybody
Because it's fucking Banksy
One of my favorite documentaries ever
Exit through the gift shop
This guy from France
Is following around all these
Famous graffiti artists
And he wants to
He's like on the hunt for, searching for Banksy
So he can film with him, he hangs out with Shepard Ferry
And then he finally gets to meet Banksy
They go to Disneyland
And one of their things
They're gonna have this inflatable doll
In a Guantanamo Bay outfit
And they tie it outside of
Thunder Mountain
Like on the gate and they put it there
And they just leave it there
It's like a Guantanamo Bay prisoner
Inflatable thing
They got stopped by security
Banksy didn't, he like got away
But they captured that guy
So this dude knows who Banksy is
His identity has been revealed
No
They revealed his identity or at least they think they have
There's no fucking way dude
That Banksy's
At least his face, maybe not his name but his face for sure
That's one of the most
Is it this dude? No
Banksy
Robert Banks
No, it's called Robert Banks
His first name is Robbie
This is not Bobby Banks
Okay
Bobby
Well whatever
It's less exciting now
Yeah, no new ears takes
Everything away
It's like if we knew who the Zodi, it's like once we found out who the
Golden State Killer was, it's like okay
That's an old man, whatever
That's an old guy
OJ
We get it
Alright so CGI was great
I think the acting was superb
The directing was fun, I thought it was great
I'm giving this movie a solid
Fucking B plus
This is a classic comedy
A cult classic, I literally if you go in my
Kitchen right now, there are Mars
Attached string lights hanging from
The kitchen
I like that show, that
Fucking terrible show
At Cornfield
And you bought me a thing because I didn't have like
The currency that they were running there
Which was dollar bills
No it was like tickets or something
Oh
Okay I got you
That's a fun way of saying you were broke
I didn't have the currency that they were accepting
And I was like it was
US currency, it was dollar bills
And coins
I was like well I didn't have that currency
That's not the currency I was offering at the time
I was like okay yeah
I was offering back the hair
No it was like tickets or something
It was a weird ticket deal
No but there was only two left and I was like I gotta buy them both
And so we're bonded forever
Because we had Mars Attached fucking
String lights, and mine are up and have been up
Since then and they look great
My mom just bought me
She bought me the lights for
But I'm gonna wait for Christmas
But the leg lamp lights from Christmas Story
Oh I broke a few of the things on them
So they're very fucking delicate so just be careful
Oh you've had the string lights too?
I have the string lights yeah with the little saucers
And the little Mars Attached guys
They're really delicate though
I know I think I'm missing a saucer
Which sucks, but anyway
B plus for me, now this is how we grade movies
Because you might be unfamiliar with Cage Pickle
We don't give A's
Because A's for some reason
We decided this stupid rating system
A year ago we haven't changed it
Which is high time we're gonna change it
Ladies and gentlemen by I think
Next episode we're gonna have an entirely
Different rating system
It's B plus, you can give whatever you want a W
And you know
No but I don't like this anymore
But if we all give it a B plus it becomes an L
When I think of A's I think of
Your top ten movies of all time
I know
If it doesn't make you top ten it's not gonna be an A
The whole point of this stupid B thing
Was because we were watching B movies
In the beginning
And
And so the highest you could be
Was a B and it was a compliment
But we're not purists though
No but we need to burrow weed based
We're gonna find something
This is stupid I think
And I think it doesn't make sense
And I think if you look at it from the outside
You're gonna be like why are all these movies just B's
And why does Shaq get an A
Yeah
What if we, what was the worst movie
Terrifier?
So we put it in a terrifier rating?
No the worst movie was
If you don't stop dot dot dot
You'll go blind
Hands down the worst movie
We've ever fucking reviewed on this show
Maybe the worst movie ever filmed
After that was Terrifier?
No then after that might be Sleepwalk Kill
Sleepwalk Kill yeah
That's easier to say in a rating
Sleepwalk Kill and what's the most mid movie
And just bland right in the middle
And then the best movie
Is it Sleepwalk Kill or is it fucking
Mid or is it whatever the best movie
This might be the most mid movie the one we just watched
Mars? Yes
It's very mid
Not based on what Mike thinks
Using our current system
Because we don't have anything better
This is a C that's mid
Cage Pickle I gave it a C minus
Out of knowing that it goes from
B to F and then W as a
So okay C minus
Yeah it's not my thing
Okay shit
Did you watch it with anyone?
No I just watched it by myself
This movie is a comedy supposedly right
How many times did you laugh out loud in this movie
A lot Out loud
Ever or did you go ah that's cute
First off don't judge me because I had
Trouble expressing myself laughing
A lot of times I keep it all inside
But if we're talking about how many moments I found
Humorous enough that if I were a big
Laugh out loud kind of guy
I would be laughing Mike
Then it would have been
Significant because it's a very funny movie
There's so many funny moments in this movie
It has a lot of amusing moments
Very few funny moments
Movies are subjective so you're not obligated to like
Anything but
That being considered
If a part of a movie is like
He's picking up hookers outside the White House
That wasn't meant to be funny it was just
The setting but I thought that was fucking
Funny they're right in between the White House
It's amusing that's what I'm calling amusing
It was a lot of it
It was horse shadowing
Okay yes and that was funnier
Than this movie the movie
What I'm telling you it's a C
This movie is a C as much as
Any movies ever see I did not hate
The movie but I would not call
This a great movie
Can we call Brennan right now? This movie
I guarantee Brennan will use the words
Great off kind of movie
Right exactly me and my wife watched it we had a good time
It was fun it was enjoyable
But it's not
I wouldn't re-watch this movie tomorrow
This isn't oh I need to see that again
That was so damn good
I need to see that again in a few years fine
I'll be sitting around doing nothing
It's on fine it's that kind of movie
It's not a movie I go
Oh shit had I paid
$20 to see this movie I'd be a mad
Mo foe but
Seen it on TV no it's a good movie for that
I mean that's as mid as it gets
You said C? It's a C
And you said C- I said B
B plus
So that is a solid B plus
No I'm just kidding
Problem with our rating system is it means nothing
Because Andy over rolls it
I just used my unlimited power
No that's a B- or a C
No I would actually
Say more B- because
Two B plus's
One C minus
And then a C
So we're going to go B-
B- which I think is a solid
Fair rating
That makes me feel better about Southland fucking Tales
Southland Tales
Which got a solid B bro
Southland Tales here's the difference
It goes to what I was saying
Southland Tales you watch it at least you have to think about it
At least after you like oh what the fuck is going on
At least there's something
I don't have to think in this movie what I have to think about is
The whole time I'm like what the fuck is going on
How does this end
Oh the fucking
Bitches be tripping guy from South Park blows up
A blink with an RPG and then just
Kills himself by jumping off of a
Floating van with twin shot
What do you mean that is the end
The opening scene of this movie is
This is how the world ends
That's the opening statement of the movie
Also here's the real kicker
Because you weren't there you didn't
Hear the actual yeah there were the comic
Books which of course gave you the back
Story that you made which we are not reviewing the comic books
We're reviewing the film well we did review the
Comic books but what you also didn't see
Was the the the con
Film festival cut which I also
Have in which it's longer
It is longer it's ten minutes longer
So for instance for instance
Just to give you an idea of one of the cuts which I think
Was better in the film festival cut is
Do you remember the dynamic between
Deep Throat 2 and
The government official guy where they were
The politician guy
They met at the restaurant they had
Sort of a back and forth
That was somewhat
Flirty in a way maybe doesn't matter
Then they're both standing there they look
Outside and
They just see the guy on the truck
On the ice cream truck and he
Shoots shoots at their blimp right and then they both
Die along with everybody
In the con film festival cut
The guy turns to her he goes
What the hell is that and she goes
It's a guy standing on ice
She's like it's an ice cream truck
And he goes
And then when the guy launches the missile
They both turn to each other and start
Kissing because it's the world's about
To end for them for their opinion so it's
Like better if that changes the whole movie for you
That one scene
That does not change the whole movie
And I love Parks and Rec and
Leslie Knope being in it I was still like
This is one of those movies though
That gets talked about more
Than even some of the movies
That did better in the box office
That year there's I mean here
We are 28 years later
Still talking about this
Nobody's going to be doing podcasts
Over Dragon Heart you know
Don't be so quick
The moment I see that
The moment I see that shit on the pocket
Oh the mask is on here
So let's do
Okay what's your pick for movie
Rob Killer
Are we doing Stoner movies for 14 years
Oh yeah it's Stoner movies
I'm doing Nice Dreams
Somebody's smoking weed in that thing
Nice Dreams I'm doing Hansel and Gretel
That's the name of the movie
Okay hold on everyone's yelling at me
Is Killer on Tubi
Bring up Stoner Flicks
Yeah I'm going to put in Stoner movies
I thought it was on Netflix
We're going to look at here
Hold on one
The Old Man movie
Is that for Mike
What does this look like
Jesus Christ Andy you're distracted
Oh it's Claymation
We're fucked
We're so fucked
In a foreign language
Andy's pulling a Putin again
Oh ew
He stepped in shit
Oh it's a fart in his face
He's squeezing a pig and the pig's
farting into his fucking face
If this movie gets picked I'll probably smoke weed and watch it
Oh
Okay
Very silly
Grand Theft Auto Murder City
I never heard of that either
Biotome's not a Stoner movie either
Is this a
Dude is this a
Is this real
Is this real life
Grand Theft Auto Murder City
It's just
It just looks like
Some dudes filming themselves doing crimes
In Grand Theft Auto
Big scores
It's Grand Theft Auto yeah
Holy shit this isn't
This is not acting
None of this is acting I know for a fact whatever they're doing right here
Is not acting they're just bullshitting around
You can tell
Let's listen to it
It's better than throwing motherfucking
Cheese
This is a YouTube movie
This is not even
My daughter goes by
Why are there shoes on that
Oh
This hits better than throwing shoes
Alright so
You're typing weed instead of Stoner movies cause it's bringing up a bunch of stuff that's not
Stoner That's people that were stoned
Skater movie, waiting at a restaurant movie
How about marijuana
Biotome's just a
Okay well now we're like
Documentaries
Yeah we don't want that shit
That all looks like
Typing weed
How about weed comedies
No how much is weed
No again
We're getting
Weed geez
Halloween night
I know it's not Halloween
Sexpot
No
Best of blood vision
The ginger weed man
This is hard to find
Porkies
Pimping
Pee weed
It's a sequel
Like the fifth sequel
Smiley face
Weed wolf
Dude
This is the ultimate fucking
Stoner movie
A stoned wannabe actress embarks on a quest to sell a bag of
Government weed
You know what
Number one rule Andy
What is the number one rule
Is this a good one
Dude she stands in front of a fireplace
For like five minutes talking about
President Garfield and Garfield
Do you guys want to
Take his opinion he got so excited about it
Yes
Did you have one locked and loaded
I did nice dreams
What's nice dreams
I did
Hansel and Gretel get faked
You don't want to do smiley face
I didn't even know it was on there
Let's do smiley face that sounds better
I'm going to vote smiley face actually
Sorry Tristan
I wanted to do blast from the past but that's not a weed
Movie
Wait a minute
Wait wait wait wait wait wait
This is great that our next show is 412 oh wait that's after the show
So it doesn't matter this doesn't have to be bad
Dude how is Black Adam already on TV
We would have had to do
What do you mean they have all if you haven't noticed it look the Batman
Batman and Black Adam
They have all the DC stuff right now
I would do season of the witch
Just kidding Mike
Is corn considered a weed we give you children of the corn
It's corn
It's not considered
Hot tub time machine is another
Classic
Ok I'm going to do hot tub time machine
Are you going to do AI you're going to let AI pick
No we're going to let
Cage Pickle pick
I'm going to do the teachers again
Nice stream
It's a stoner
It's like
It's doing a 420 movie I don't know how to do any better than teaching
And we're going to throw in double dragon
What the hell double dragon
I'm going to stick to stoner
And stick smiley face
I think I'm going to go with the smiley face too
Ok
Yeah
I'm down
So we're going to go smiley face
Alright
I'm going to review all three online
For the corn only I'll put them up that day
Weegees Halloween
Night
I mean if we're all staying
In chloride I mean we could probably actually
Make that a double or even a triple feature
Of stoner movies
I think what we might do since we're going to be in chloride and we have that
Space is
Do our first live watch
Live react live watch thing
For the YouTube audience
So coming up
In a couple weeks ladies and gentlemen if you go to
YouTube.com
Backward slash fried rice podcast
We're going to have a live react
So what's going to be is
It's going to be us
We're going to have headphones Mike we're going to be able to make it work
We're going to all be able to watch the movie with headphones on
And at the same
I start that day at 6am just so you know
Yeah
Well chloride's not that far
And it's it's we'll pick something short
Like
That Civil War movie that's six and a half
Hours long you son of a bitch
You old man
How many days left on smiley face just so we're not
We don't run into a south land tales
Oh
Yeah cause I'm not buying that one
I didn't mind buying south land tales
Is there a time limit left
It won't tell you does it it doesn't tell you
It only tells you when there's like two days
Left max yeah well here we go
Smiley face 2007
You won't regret it
You'll what she played it's
I don't care cause I don't give a fuck and she's a stoner
She plays like a dumb blonde
And it's John Krasinski's in there
Probably a youngish John Krasinski
Adam Brody
Yeah fuck yeah so we got smiley face
Alright so
Another successful pod guys
This was a lot of fun and when Tomas
Gets his hands on this it'll be edited and sound way better
Than whatever we just did but whoever
Is going to listen to this for the first time is going to get a raw
Bullshit version and then it's going to be
A much better version when Tomas
Finally starts working
Speaking of
Music
I like that we don't have to credit anyone now it's all just AI
Bullshit
I'm glad I
I'm glad I brought my air guitar
With me
Oh thanks
Oh my god
You can tell it's AI wrote it
Andy Rice
That's me
Andy Rice
Hell yeah
Ladies and gentlemen
With me as always
Is
Cage
He's
I don't know even what to say
Pickle
Deal with it
Deal with it he said
With me as always is Mike
Chalios you cannot kill him
Although you know as much as
You would like him to just
Die Larson
Have a good week everybody except Andy
Jesus that's rude
Fucking rude bro
With us as always
Is Austin
He's going to I don't even know how far
Chloride is from where he lives
But he's someday he's going to marry Amanda Bynes
That's going to be interesting I'm calling it
Right now Carol
Southland Tales W
Directed by GameShine
Oh shit and I've been your host
Andy Rice
This has been
The Fried Rice Podcast
I almost lined it up
Perfectly
Have a great day everybody
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