It's not as good as a bomb.
In one moment.
Welcome.
God.
To a god whatever smoking.
I knew this was a mistake to start with these pumpkin spice latte joints they fucked me
up last time and I knew it was gonna fuck me up.
One more hit.
Dragon.
No, no.
We're keeping that.
I don't care.
God.
Anyway, welcome to a on location and an undisclosed location, location based episode of fried rice
podcast.
I'm your host Andy Rice.
Let's get fucking fried.
I'm so sorry.
With me as always is the man on the soundboard.
He's producing at this time.
We were completely fucking compromised when this all started.
So it's absolutely apro pro for this guy to come in and save us.
Keegan the the very funny young man, Snodgrass.
I love it.
He's got a soundboard.
This is gonna be so much fun.
I don't ever really like use the soundboard.
I've been phasing it out on my show.
I want you to as much as you can.
Three other word, just give me something.
I'm fucking down with me as always.
It is Austin.
He drove three hours to be here.
Feral.
You know how I always say check me out and it's a defunct thing.
Check me out on Google podcasts.
They totally fucked me.
Said April 2nd.
I was going to migrate all my podcasts over.
I go to open it.
It's gone.
And now I have to figure out all the podcasts that I listen to, which is like upwards of
30.
Wow.
So they're defunct and they're gone.
It was just come down.
That's fucked up.
Well, the is always is, you know, I joke a lot about trying to kill this man.
Sometimes it's jokes.
Sometimes it's it's legit.
It's Michael.
He had a heart attack last year.
And you know, I was watching we were watching this movie because we did crank spoilers.
And there's a lot of scenes of like a close up of this dude's heart just pumping and like
erratically in the whole time.
I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, Mike's going to watch this and he's going to it's going to
trigger like an extra heart attack.
But apparently it didn't because here he is wearing just a fucking light blue shirt like
he's going to Florida, like Roadhouse, because he just watched that one to Larson.
Hey, call me Chelyos, everybody.
Could you spell that, please?
And with me, as always, is Nick.
I was introduced to him as the Russian and I'm a little disappointed in the amount of
Russian shit that he's bringing to the table.
I'm actually a dirty slob.
Dirty slob.
Jesus Christ.
Andrews.
Welcome.
How's it going, guys?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
So smooth, Andy, smooth.
We're smoking.
So let's just let's talk about.
Am I still?
Yeah.
Let's talk about how how fucked everything is tonight and then how how we kind of pull
this out of our ass.
So I produced the show a little bit and I knew we were doing the tough sheds comedy
show at tough sheds in Havasu.
And for the people listening at home, you're thinking, oh, what a cute name for a bar or
a restaurant.
No, it was a shed store.
It is a store of sheds, just an open lot.
It was an open lot of sheds.
And we were in a shed that they pimped out.
It looked nice.
It was a nice looking shed.
And then it was what it was like an hour and a half to be there.
We all drive traveled.
Oh, yeah.
You drove from Kingman.
So anyway, yes, we did.
You know about sheds out there.
Fucking.
Yeah.
But it was a good show.
It was a fun show.
It was really fun venue.
I can't wait for the next one because Fletch Barcadiam expressed interest in being involved
in serving there.
I mean, if that works out fucking awesome.
I talked to the guys there about doing a podcast there all locations so we don't have to scramble
like we did today.
But anyways, I knew we were doing that show tonight.
So for the past week, I was reaching out to other venues like Glitch because the Glitch
episode, which is out now, go watch it.
It was a fun time.
Had so much fun there.
Completely Compromise podcast showed up.
Yeah, that's what's up.
They picked the movie that won the vote.
So watch that Mac and Me episode, which is out now too.
Holy shit.
Oh, by the time this comes out.
Oh, the Mac and Me episode might be the funniest episode we've done maybe because it's just
what a fucking train wreck.
Awesome fucking movie that was.
But anyway, the only time I laughed that hard was when we were talking about Randy Ice and
being a voodoo doll for some poor guy named Randy Ice.
That's good.
But I was reaching out to other venues that I knew in Havasu and one was Mustang Sally's
formerly Jeremy's Juke Joint.
The contact that I had there dropped the ball on that.
And then I went to another pizza place that I used to work at.
And that also fell through.
So I'm like, we don't have a place to do a podcast.
Let's just do it at my grandmother's fucking house.
Fuck it.
I don't care.
Undisclosed location.
I don't care.
It's my grandma's house.
Thanks, Graham.
Graham.
Thank you, Graham.
She'll guess her guy on this.
She's aware.
But then we get to the comedy show after you're all agreeing.
Okay, Austin's grandma's house.
We get to the comedy show.
And what happened, Andy?
Fill me in on that conversation.
So I was running a little late to the comedy show.
You were high.
I was high.
No, well, I mean, no, because I got high when I got there.
I don't smoke and drive, Austin, ever.
Right, right.
Because boy, wouldn't it be something if a guy with a vanity plate that says the name
of the fucking podcast on the back of his car were to somehow be associated with fucking
and smoking and driving would be ridiculous, Austin.
And I would never do that.
So all publicity is good publicity.
Do I need to remove the drunk rice podcast off the back of my car?
Yeah.
We...
What'd you ask?
I got actually pretty high.
So we got fucked multiple times on doing the podcast.
And then so I'm running a little late.
And so I get here.
And I realize, oh, fuck, I don't have my laptop.
I don't have the mic that we use.
I have nothing.
I came with my notebook with the crank notes.
So there's that.
And I did bring joints.
You got me beat.
Hey, there we go.
I got Nick beat.
I can't even come with Russian stuff.
I know.
You look like...
You don't look Russian.
I don't know.
I'm like half Scottish and then I'm like half, I want to say Czechoslovakian.
Yeah, I could totally...
According to the genealogy.
You look like a Czech.
Yeah, after what happened just happened in Moscow and then we pulled this shit on him.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's like Russia without guns over there.
It's pretty sad.
Yeah, fuck.
This is...
We don't normally go political, but what are your thoughts on Ukraine?
They're giving it a hell of a shot.
But at the end of the day, they deserve their territory.
They deserve their rights.
I don't think the necessary attack from Russia was well displayed, but at the same time,
you know what I mean?
You watch Tucker Carlson interview and stuff.
Putin does kind of explain his tactics and his logic pretty well.
Not saying he's a just guy or nothing, but I'm just saying.
All bad guys think they're the good guys.
I don't want to get put on a Russian hit list, but I'm not pro Putin.
Yeah.
No, that's totally fine.
I know this might be a brave stance to take, but I don't really like the dictator of Russia.
I'm definitely not justifying any of the acts or anything that's happening.
He just murdered his opponent in prison.
I would like to see a Russian approach to ISIS, though.
What?
Wait, say that again?
I would like to see a Russian approach to ISIS.
What are they going to do?
Oh, yeah.
So I thought about that earlier.
I was like, yeah.
So now Russia just had their own kind of 9-11 in a way.
They had their own.
Just like ISIS came and did some savage shit, killed a bunch of innocent people and took
credit for it.
And so now you've got Putin's on a pressure.
So pull your troops out of Ukraine.
The whole world loves that.
And then go fuck up ISIS.
The whole world loves that.
You want to change Russia's reputation, pull out of Ukraine and go fuck up ISIS and you'll
be the hero.
And that could be like a play by play.
Like, oh, fuck, what am I doing over here?
I'm going to send them over there.
Exactly.
Refocus your rage is like a good way to think of it.
What's that?
Refocus the rage.
Yeah.
Might be their only way out.
I bet Ukraine would help.
That would even repair relationships between the countries.
It would be like, oh, we were fighting each other for so long.
Fuck it.
Let's fight together.
Go kill ISIS.
What is this, Avengers Endgame?
Yeah.
But do they become us in Japan at that point?
I don't know.
Are they dropping bombs?
That's what we did.
I mean, I'm-
Are they hitting Nagasaki?
No, because-
No, if they go after ISIS.
Oh, man.
So you're saying like, what if Russia nukes like a- what country is ISIS?
Well, they're not.
That's the problem.
They're just a lot of like South-Eastern-
Not what country is ISIS, but what country do they hang out at the most and take-
Afghanistan.
Syria.
Which is the one that, yeah, we pulled out, right?
And so then they just sort of took over as a- they took over-
Oh, yeah, they came in and took all the old equipment and all that.
Yeah.
And they're like, okay, we got bombs.
Russia's got bombs.
Russia's not afraid to fuck shit up either, so they'll go after an innocent country right
next door to them.
Imagine the guy-
It's great, watch these.
I mentioned this earlier during the tough shit backstage at the Tough Sheds show, but
ISIS is like really fucked up.
All they had to do was play a little bit of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, and they would
have completely won their mission, and they just- no, we did that shit.
I know.
No, Russia.
Of course you did.
It's like Russian-American-
No Russian?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a- for the people at home that aren't gamers, the mission No Russian, which
when you put on Modern Warfare 2, it asks you right in the beginning, there's a pretty
sensitive level, do you want to skip it?
Yeah, you want to skip it if you want.
And of course you say, fuck no, I don't want to skip it.
I actually replayed it.
I did it the first time, and I was like, eh, restart checkpoint, let's go again.
Oh shit.
Yeah, I wanted to relive that, but like a little better.
I wanted to miss less.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
First of all, we don't fucking talk about politics on this show.
Second of all, Andy, great diversion when I asked you what fucking happened when you
got to the show, you didn't have any of your shit.
Who fucking came and saved our fucking asses?
One being Jesse Hart, which I love that motherfucker to death, I wish he was here.
But also, motherfucking Kagan came through.
I messaged him, he got back to me within like five minutes and was like, what do you fucking
need?
Yeah, Keegan showed up.
I'm chronically online, so.
Dude, Keegan's been one of my favorite guests on the show.
He's only been on one episode, but I would have him on every episode.
But I'm talking about you, you're not like you're not here.
Yeah, I don't exist, I'm a ghost.
We really are the only three podcasts going on in this whole region.
It's Lakeside Legends, who I just met a couple of the hosts for, they're great.
I know the third host too, and Completely Compromised and Fried Rice.
Those are the only three that are really like doing anything right now.
I've been on two other ones that are now defunct.
Now You Listen podcast, I was on there representing Mojave Comedy and Philosopher and the Comedian.
That's all that's left.
We're two thirds of the podcast.
And we keep turning them out no matter what the feedback.
Have we gotten any, have we gotten calls?
Well, I one person from our wives that are well, no, no, I think like a fan, someone
that I someone that I met that was like, like not like a friend friend, but like, are you
using the term fan?
That's what you used?
Yeah, we have a fan.
We have, I think a few fans.
We just turned it off.
No, no, no, but just to solidify this, like when we went to Kingman, you know, like the
dark iron printing guys, I know that they were on the show previously, but they listened
to the show.
Like, so they're and they come, they like brought stuff up when we were there.
Dude, they're so cool.
They're fucking coolest dudes.
I'm friends with Facebook friends with one of them.
Haven't had the other guy yet.
But they're dope.
They, they were great guests.
Super friendly.
I want to work.
We might have them on as regular or as like another, another set.
Anyway, King, we could talk about King Kong a little bit.
Yeah, King Kong or King Kong.
No, we're talking about the comic con that we went to last week.
I haven't seen the new King Kong.
So if you spoil it for me, I won't be depressed.
I won't.
But I try to come up with fun names for these episodes.
And so far, the working title for that one, because the movie we reviewed was Planet of
the Apes.
And this was at a comic con called King Kong.
So it's called Mighty Joe Young King Kong 2024 Planet of the Apes review.
I also dropped the ball that day, too.
In what way?
So King Kong, it was my first King Kong.
I wasn't at the last one.
I listened to the last one.
It seemed so fun.
I show up.
My mom got into crocheting.
Oh, you do a little weed podcast.
Let me make some weed merch for you guys.
So I got these little bud necklaces, weed beanies, big giant like pillow nugs, which
we're going to sell on our website.
So go to Fried Rice Podcast dot com and we'll have a link that'll bring you to the Etsy.
I'm assuming is going to be.
She wants to do it through.
She doesn't want like to.
She wants it to be for us.
So just like message us on fried rice Instagram and I'll get the message.
I'll put the order in.
We'll send it to you.
Yeah.
Fried Rice Instagram.
Just send a message saying I want one of the no the buddies.
They are dispensaries are reaching out to us.
They want to sell them at their stores.
They're adorable.
Ladies and gentlemen, she uses extremely high quality materials and she knits these adorable.
I mean, they are the cutest fucking things.
If you're into weed culture, even slightly, they're adorable.
They have like little eyes, googly eyes on them.
And they they're it's almost like Pet Rock.
But like but even not weed culture.
We had people coming up at Comic Con that wanted them that were not.
They weren't into weed culture.
Some of them.
They didn't know what they were.
They just thought they were cute.
Yeah.
But and I dropped the ball because I brought all this stuff and we we were selling them
live at shows like like bags of weed.
So I put like it's like a big Nug pillow and it's in a Ziploc bag and it says like, you
know, one ounce and it's like thirty dollars.
Such good.
And I had a whole pile of them just on the table like it was a fucking cartel drug bust.
And I sit down and I'm like, yeah, it's going to be fun.
And then like 12 kids, children, young children came and sat down in the podcast room and
I just kind of let that shit lay there.
I'm like, I got to sell this shit.
None of the kids bought any.
Thank God or damn.
No parents complained either.
OK, let's let's address this.
We didn't get it.
We didn't address this last time.
I'm walking around with this fried rice podcast shirt when I when I go to these things.
OK.
I'm just walking around with the fried rice podcast shirt.
It has a bowl of rice.
It has our logo on it.
It's a fucking bowl of rice with a weed fucking thing on it.
It's that what that is.
You got a bunch of adolescent children to scream, let's get fried before we started.
You're God.
That's crazy.
Yeah, that was.
I mean, weed's legal now.
It's like it's so is alcohol.
You could have said, let's get drunk like all these kids.
That's my cigarette.
Well, at least you're not as bad as Dan Schneider.
I haven't watched that yet.
I was like the first two episodes and I see all the buzz and I'm like, oh, fuck, I got
to keep watching more.
I mean, I've seen stuff online about how bad he is, but I want to watch the documentary.
He's pretty bad.
I watched it.
I watched it last night.
Well, it's a docu series.
Yeah.
I think it's only four episodes.
I don't think they're making anymore.
But no, Dan was pretty bad.
But the people that he hired were worse.
Oh, yeah.
Drake Bell had something interesting to say.
And just because the episodes came out, like everyone's yelling at Josh Peck.
Yeah.
And then Josh Peck was like he called Drake and Drake had to like make like a FaceTime
or live and be like, hey, no, he talked to me.
He knows what's going on.
He's cool.
Everyone be nice.
And everyone's like reaching out like the guy from Ned's Declassified is like speaking
out now.
Yeah, it's all Nickelodeon kids.
It's all the Nickelodeon kids.
Yeah.
Amanda.
There's a crazy there's a crazy name in there.
Amanda Bynes was according to my mom, Amanda Bynes was spotted near where I live.
Yeah, we're I would.
Yeah, you need to get her on the podcast.
And I've always had a crush on her.
Yeah, on the podcast, for sure.
Get her on the podcast because she's I mean, I don't know what she's what she's up to now.
She's apparently.
And the barrel.
What a cool Amanda Farrow.
According to like things I've heard, she's like just trying to live a normal life and
like trying to be like a hairstylist or something like that.
Oh, yeah.
You could use a trim.
So I've dated a couple of those.
I kind of know the run around.
OK, so I have to go to a bunch of salons.
Good thing I grew up here.
Yeah, I need you to straighten my hair.
You're going to each one.
You get your hair.
I like I like face tattoos.
I could use a Brazilian wax.
You know, yeah.
I thought you were going to say BBL like a Brazilian butt lift.
I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
How did we go to plastic surgery?
As long as Dan Snyder didn't use the whole lobster time thing in those episodes as like
a metaphor for crabs.
We're good, baby.
Let's go.
I still need to.
There's a lot of horrible.
There's a lot of horrible innuendos in the Nickelodeon shows.
I was like, damn, those went over my head as a kid.
A lot of feet.
And I'm like, I know I don't remember that.
Like this dude on YouTube, I think it might be August the Duck, but he did a he did a
tangent alert.
Well, no, it's 100 percent talking about Dan Snyder.
It's it's on.
It's the same thing.
But I've seen YouTube content where the guy talks about how fucking creepy this dude is
so I've only seen that.
But you motherfucker, like, stay in your fucking.
No, I will say I will say, though, there is a crazy name that gets thrown in the docu
series like caught me out of like left field.
I was like, holy shit.
No way.
I'm not going to spoil it for you guys.
But I was like, holy shit.
Yeah, what are these friends with that guy?
What a weird spoiler.
I kind of want this spoiled.
I'm a little completely compromised myself.
I might just crash here and just download Macs on my phone and watch it.
Oh, I bought it.
I bought it.
I'm just going to buy it.
Screw it.
Buy what?
The docu series instead of renting or instead of getting Max.
Yeah, they have free trials.
Yeah, but I'm a wait.
Hold on.
Are you clipping it for your soundboard?
First of all, what do you I see a lot of glowing buttons on your soundboard.
Yeah, they've been amazing so far.
I kind of do.
I kind of want to poke.
I only have the the air horn, the applause, the record scratch, the crickets, the chimes,
the trombone in the rim shot on here right now.
I have it.
But I do have a sensor.
But I listen to completely compromise every episode.
So much fun to listen to.
And I just love occasionally hearing a sound like noise just based on whatever they're
you guys don't have headphones on so far.
He's been crushing.
That's another thing I want to point out where two of us are sharing a mic because we are
completely compromised right now.
We really are.
And also only two guys have headphones.
So only they can hear what's on the soundboard.
I mean, I'm laughing when I watch him just start tapping the button.
Oh, shit, they're listening.
I'm getting just as much joy from.
Exactly.
No, he's been it's been good timing.
So let's do the let's do what are we smoking?
Because this fucking killed me already.
It's the pew.
Yeah.
Madeys, Mattes.
I said this last time.
But somebody what is that?
Malthus?
There's no L. Yes, the blind guy.
What?
Mattes.
That's how I would say that.
All right.
Let's let's get it.
Let me see that thing.
Russian and English.
Can you fondle Mattes?
Mattes as in testicles.
Sure.
When I went to go to hang in so far, I went to I went backpacking across Europe when I
was younger with my buddy, Sean.
And one of the places we went was Scotland and there was a testicle with like an animated
testicle on the glass of some shop.
And his name was a Oh, God, it was like it was like something like Willie, the testicle
says make sure to make sure to clean your balls.
Willie and it was like it was either clean your balls.
Yeah, no, no, I'm telling you, there were eighth grade where they had the sperm and
talk.
It's the same.
This is the same sex ed with it.
They had a talking sperm.
Wait, they had the talking sperm from Jurassic Park.
Oh, yeah, paperclip instead of a sperm.
Sex ed got ruined for me when I was in elementary school because they had the like the video
and everything.
And they're like the teacher came out was like just before we start everyone just before
we start penis, penis, penis, penis, penis.
The teacher came out and then any questions was ashamed of being a man after that.
I was like, I got one of those.
But a kid came out and was like, I have a question.
And he's like, yeah, go ahead.
He's like, so like, is it actually a bone?
Oh, and that ruins.
I thought that was so funny.
It ruins the rest of I don't remember anything.
I regular sex ed like fifth grade, whatever sixth grade, seventh, you know, you get like
health class.
But I did a EMT class in college.
And part of it, they show you how to deliver a baby out in the wild.
And it's straight up a movie filmed in the 80s or 70s.
That's just a woman giving birth.
They just jump up and down on her stomach.
She's just shitting out a baby.
It's a real birth.
She's shitting a baby.
That's what it looks like.
It's but she's in a she's in a basement grabbing a tree flooding.
What the fuck is this German torture porn?
What the fuck?
That sounds kind of like.
Oh, the movies that we watched in health class were different than what you've had since
porno.
Yes.
And the link educational for hashtag Lincoln bio.
We just got from what are we smoking?
Is that all we're smoking?
Well, I have other joints.
I'm going to add drinking because I got one of the fans from the show gave me a beer from
our local mud shark brewery and it's called Full Moon.
So I don't know if you had Blue Moon before, but this tastes way fucking better.
Oh, I can't believe you didn't give that to the host, though.
Mud shark sponsor us.
What did you give the host?
What did I Hank the host?
No, no, the host of the podcast, the host of the podcast.
What did you give us?
Oh, yeah.
Geez.
A good classic American Coors banquet six pack.
Yeah, because we finished the show.
We're folding up chairs.
Nick tells me he's on his way.
Keegan tells me he's on his way.
I'm still standing there folding up chairs talking to people.
Guys are like coming up to me like, hey, thanks for a good show.
I want to come to the next one.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like, I tell Andy and Mike, like, I got to I got to fucking get to the house
before anyone else does.
And you guys actually got there before me.
Anyways, I stopped at the gas station.
I was like, I got to get like a six pack or something because I don't have anything in
this fridge right now.
So I just Coors banquet.
Boom.
Just saw I grabbed it, bought it 10 bucks.
And now let's read our fortunes.
But we will.
But I have to say how that actually went down is that Austin gave us a curse.
Do you want a beer?
Everybody want a beer?
Pulled out these curse banquets and gave to all of us.
And that's a beer with conviction, Mike.
It's a beer with conviction.
And then on Saturday Night Live, believing motherfucker, then cracks open this full moon.
It says, well, I got a beer to fuck you guys.
I mean, honestly, that's a baller move.
What beer did you fucking bring?
My shit.
It's a power.
What I brought was sour gummies, which I can't see.
But they work really well.
You didn't even know.
Maybe I was trying to do something nice for you, Mike.
I'm like, what's an old bitch drink?
Coors banquet.
You remember he members.
He member damn cowboy.
And then you just shit on me.
I love the rivalry.
Let's read our I think there's a little saying on the each of the banquet caps.
Mine says an honest day's work might take days.
That's pretty funny.
Mine also says an honest day's work might take days.
Something about days.
Keegan.
Mine says the official cowboy beer.
Well, that's not as well as Marlboro's.
Can I get a Marlboro sponsor for my show?
What were cowboys like?
Yeah.
What were they like?
You know what?
Actually, here's an interesting thing else.
We're not calling you.
You know, what's interesting about cowboys from what I have heard.
So this is speculative.
It could be correct.
But the whole cowboy era, not that long, like 20, 30 years of like of our history.
It was like such a short serious years, if that and they were all closetedly gay, like
deeply closetedly gay.
And Brokeback Mountain is a documentary on that.
Jake, change my mind.
Well, Jay, speaking of Jake, if you think about it, though, going to the West had to
be kind of it was kind of their only.
You get real lonely up in them hills.
It's that looks like the samurai myth or like the whole horse.
You want to be the guy that fucked a dude or a horse?
Yeah.
I don't know what you like.
I don't think I want to be the do the fuck this hand.
Honestly, here's the OK.
Here's the thing.
So obviously, BCL is gross and wrong.
And there's nothing wrong with gay sex if you're into it.
But I do think if it was something I wasn't into and then I had it with someone, I think
I'd rather be maybe the horse back in the day because then you don't have any awkward
conversations with your crew.
Yeah.
When you're riding the horse can't tell their secrets.
Yeah.
There's a lot of fucking open prairie where you're just riding around.
You just like, hey, man.
So yeah.
Yeah.
And then the horse starts talking like Mr. Ed.
Yeah.
I could barely feel it.
Those cowboys know horses, too.
So I'll know if you're fucking your horse.
You're actually your horse really likes you for summer.
Why is your horse walking with a limp?
Why does your horse smell weird?
Yeah, it smells like bleach.
Wait, your horse comes when you whistle?
No, only when I fuck it.
This is brought to us by Bell Ringer.
Joy this bell ringer.
We're doing a sponsor.
Your new editor is going to be like, are two guys sharing mics right now?
It's going to be very hard.
I'm going to need an advance.
Well, it's better than sharing a horse.
Austin, is it difficult to edit?
No, it's mixed down into like one track.
OK, that's good.
Jesus, you have my heart racing because I was like, oh, no, I can't.
I was like, God, I hope this is I don't have to edit five different things right now.
Like when I get home, Andy is now exactly as high as you need to be to not know what's
going on around him.
We got to bring Andy back.
Andy, what's going on?
Is Andy on the wall speaking to you?
Well, I will say this.
It's minor, minor, minor, minor spoilers for Final Fantasy seven because because of the
spoiler.
Listen, Dan, that was a lot of minors.
I was trying to get a hold of Andy for the past two days about our venue deals.
And this guy, whenever he's alone, he just becomes an Amish man and just does not have
a phone.
And I don't know how you can be Amish and love Star Trek at the same time.
You just can't.
No, I think actually.
You can because it's very hard to kind of is a little Amish.
I know they're very pro technol.
If the Amish were OK with technology, which I know kind of goes against the whole Amish
thing.
But if they kept their core values of nonviolence and peaceful negotiation, I do think they
would join Starfleet.
Like if Starfleet found an Amish race of aliens, I think they would be comfortable joining
Starfleet because I think Starfleet would be OK with not giving them technology.
I feel like they'd get bored.
Who would the Amish?
They're not building any physical bridges.
Sure, they're building like it's cool.
Imagine your ass is a way for my mom.
Alien Rumsbringer.
Wow.
What the fuck was that?
What would that be all about?
Good ass William.
Will he shatter about all that?
She's going to cling on.
All right.
Did you say that would make a good movie?
Alien Rumsbringer.
It's just a planet of fucking Amish.
I'm so down to this.
And it's all just Project X in space.
You could be my dad.
They get a little flying alien camera or like a little flying orb.
It follows them around, but it's kind of shaky camera.
It's like Wally almost like.
Produced by Dan Schneider.
Oh my God.
Do we put Pursuit of Happen?
Do you put that Kid Cudi song?
Fucking.
At some point they just get fucking wrecked.
One repeat, that's just the whole album to the movies.
You know, here on the podcast, we constantly come up with great movie ideas.
This is one of them.
It is Alien Rumsbringer.
Alien Rumsbringer.
Yeah.
And so, OK, this is pumpkin spice latte joints and they are strong as they are.
Yeah.
The carbonate flavorful indoor flower, Keef and moja sauce diamonds.
Moja sauce.
Yeah.
I don't know what that is.
Anyway.
That was what are we smoking?
Yeah.
It's in my lungs now.
Yeah.
I'm pretty high.
How's everyone doing?
Good.
I think I'm going to crack open a nice cold Coors banquet.
Nice.
We'll see what your cap says.
Can I get a water?
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Well, now I am too high.
Oh no.
Who's carrying the show?
Promos.
For what?
For these gentlemen that are with us today.
Oh yeah.
Plug your stuff a little bit.
Talk about your podcast.
Well, I've got a show called Completely Compromised and it's me and my, you know, fat gay Polish
friend and we don't stray from the depths of humanity and comedy.
Anything is on the table.
I like that.
Yeah.
What's the most controversial thing you've ever talked about on the show?
Oh God.
There's way too many to choose from.
Give us a recent one.
A recent one?
I think the most recent one was Women's Month.
Women's Month was better than Black History Month.
They get extra days.
That is true.
Oh yeah.
Black History.
They get the smallest amount of days.
It's February.
Yeah.
I think episode 14 was called like Women's History Hour.
Yeah.
I saw that.
I had to listen to it.
Which I got halfway through and then Google podcast disappeared.
So now I have to go listen to it again.
Also by the way, sorry, but that's all I had.
I gave you the guy running the soundboard the most spillable cup of water.
Yeah.
It looks like a stolen cup from a restaurant.
You did steal it from a restaurant actually.
It's like a Pizza Hut.
Me and Lucky Borelli went to Shoguns.
I was literally going to say it looks like a Shogun cup.
The Statute of Limitations has passed.
So I stole this cup.
It's a red clear Coca-Cola cup with Asian lettering on it.
It's pretty dope.
It does have like Korean lettering on it.
And the actual Coca-Cola one too on the other side.
Yeah.
But it's not Korean.
It's their custom.
That was literally all I had to serve you a drink.
What does your banquet cap say?
If you're going to steal cool stuff.
Yeah, right.
Like that one time I extol the margarita mixer from Chili's.
Oh, I did that too once after 14 margaritas.
It was insane.
The big one?
The actual?
The little clear blue ones that they had for a while.
The countertop one.
They were doing the multiples and then the countertop one.
I thought you were talking about the frozen margarita mixer.
Oh, no, I feel like that is baller.
I feel like that's baller.
I threw my cap away because my fortune's unwritten.
Tried to white spiritual girl my way out of that one.
Almost majestic, but I'm not going to let it slide.
You had a bit going on.
You fucked the dog on this one.
Everyone was going to read their caps.
I fucked the horse on this one?
Yeah, you fucked the horse on this one.
You're the horse fucker in this area.
This is exactly why they wouldn't have let us a red Baron.
Yeah, it would have gone this far.
I'd be like, Austin threw his cap out.
Get the fuck out.
Get out of here, man.
Can I finish my pizza though?
No.
No, it'd frisbee that shit.
No, you can take it out of the trash bag.
So Kingman Comic Con, that was great.
We had a place we went with all those kids.
Yeah.
It was fun.
We had to do clean comedy, clean stand up show, which was-
The dad joke competition was brilliant.
Whoever's idea that was, I'd fucking hold it.
It was one of the kids.
So I walked up earlier and the dude, I think his name's Chris, the guy running at the stage,
like the stage manager guy, he had this ugly jigglypuff shirt and all the kids were kind
of wanting it.
And he was deciding who to give it to.
We mentioned the comedy show and she's like, why don't we do an ugly dad joke contest?
For the sweater.
And I was like, great.
And so when I brought that up, it just went off without a hitch because then we had a
line of kids ready to go.
The guy, big Mike certified just shows up with a box of prizes for me to give out to
everybody.
So it was awesome.
Everyone got like these little alien dolls.
It was fucking dope.
And some of the jokes were kind of funny.
One lady, one lady managed to get up there.
Ryan let this girl up there and she made like a joke about furries.
She did not understand the assignment.
There are children here.
Oh yeah, she definitely was fucking R rated, bro.
At least PG 13 hard.
During the podcast even, like we thought we were going to be too dirty.
The kids were too dirty.
Oh yeah.
That one kid brought up like dark.
That one kid's like, my parents are dead.
I live on the streets.
I fucking, I don't even know.
He like takes his girlfriends like, let's go baby.
I got abused in the fog.
Who is he?
Can I get him on my show?
If you're listening kid, completely compromised on Instagram.
Shout out for being the realest dude on the street right now.
I mean he did look like a character from Naruto while saying all this.
So it did kind of take away some of the like Batman vibes or the Robin vibes or whatever.
But he had cred.
Those other kids were like, no.
And he took her too.
Remember his girlfriend or whatever was there.
Oh yeah.
He had cred with those other kids because it was another kid.
No, he really, that's all true.
And he even saved this girl from some shit.
I don't know what, but it was crazy.
You might've just pointed out there's some underground Kingman kid fight club that that
kid is like the Brad Pitt of.
Yeah.
Dude.
That's awesome.
It is weird.
It was awesome.
He's like, he looked like he was 15, 16 and he's just like, yeah, I live on the streets.
And he had a really dirty face.
And I don't know if that was part of the costume or not.
I don't know if it was like the Naruto character.
He had a Rorschach vibe to him.
It was exactly what I was thinking the whole time.
I was like, is this real?
And then this kid and my wife is over there looking and going, should I save this kid?
Mrs. Larson was there.
I was, yeah.
You're talking about Rorschach vibes.
I looked at this kid.
I was like, is he here watching our podcasts or are we in here with him?
He looks here and here.
I'm not watching your podcast.
One girl last out at you.
For what?
Something about sentient dogs.
Oh, well, okay.
So we were talking about, we were talking about plan of the apes and I made the perfectly
reasonable point that the apes aren't that much in the wrong because they view humans,
they view humans as like pets, right?
And so you wouldn't want your pets rebelling or having the like active ability to like,
you know, hold conversations with each other and shit.
So like, I argue that if dogs were to become just a little bit more smart, like where they
started talking, I think we should maybe start killing smart dogs because the next step is
they want rights.
I mean, isn't that what slave owners back in the day?
I did have to clarify that there was a black guy in the audience.
And he's like, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Hold up.
I turned to Byron and I went Byron, I'm not advocating that we should own humans or whatever.
But that was after where that whole thing started.
That entire, that girl's problem with him was not about that joke.
It was because when you first pointed around the audience, the very beginning of the show,
you're like, we have this person, this person here.
You said something like she was a cat and she got pissed because she was a fox, God
damn it.
And a specific kind of fox.
Damn.
You pulled a furry race.
Oh yeah, you got a wildlife lesson from a little child.
My bad that some chick wearing ears and a fucking, I don't even know at this, at this
just sitting there.
I didn't know what animal she was.
I'm sorry, fox girl.
I thought you looked like a cat.
They're similar.
They're similar creatures.
That is Fennec Fox and do not forget it.
Dude, Andy's going to get a knock from the feds, the wildlife feds.
Peta is going to show up, kick down my door.
The feds are going to show up.
They're going to be like, listen, dude, you're getting canceled over a dog.
She's going to be standing behind him too.
She's going to be standing behind him like, yeah, and honestly he said we should kill
dogs.
I did.
You know what?
PETA, just on a side note, they're fucking kind of like the ISIS of just organizations
that we allow to exist in America.
Yeah.
They are kind of terrorists.
They're terrorists.
I mean, like, I get it.
They're fighting for a cause.
Speaking of Final Fantasy seven, you do a lot of terrorist activities, but you're kind
of doing it to save the planet.
I feel like PETA does a lot of terrorist activities to save animals, but, oh, they made a game
once.
I'm not kidding you.
Back in the day, they made a Pokemon game where it was you violently kill the animals.
It was like, oh, I remember that game.
Yeah.
It was a version that just showed the horrific horror of capturing and forcing animals to
fight to the death.
And that's a power role.
It's legal in Mexico.
If you make them the cute little bunny, it's not as right.
And it's not bad.
It's not a bad game.
It's better than, if we're talking about controversial games, it's better than Super Columbine Massacre
RPG.
Hell yeah.
Well, I'll just wait because Microsoft bought all the studios, so they probably bought that
one too.
Oh shit.
It's a game that's called Controversial Games JFK Reloaded, and all it is, it's just you
restart.
When you hit restart, it's just you're at the window with a gun.
Oh God.
And he's coming around the corner.
And you make hamburger out of a president or what?
It has the most realistic head blowing out of his fucking skull like animations.
This came out a while ago, but it's actually, now here's the thing.
Can you miss?
Oh, it's so realistic.
So is there like a trajectory to the point?
You got good at this shot, did you?
Well, okay.
I had fun with it because- How about a VR?
If you just get rid of the fact that it's the president, if you shoot the driver of
any of the cars, any of his secret service cars or his car, they fucking just drive off
into trees and then the secret service dudes jump on trying to save the president.
And then they go through the tunnel.
It's insane the amount of program they put into this.
That's awesome.
And then they've got like a freeze time thing and like set up a whole matrix scenario.
It came out too long ago.
They'd have to do a remaster.
Oh, let's go for it.
If they did a remaster for modern consoles.
Like a sniper ghost warrior 4 JFK edition.
It'll be a double game.
It'll be like that new battlefront one and two they just released.
That's absolute fucking garbage.
That's what made me rage quit three times.
Costs just as much as all the battlefront games put together.
It's going to be that JFK game and ethnic cleansing like a double pack.
Hell yeah.
But here's the thing.
It ranks you at the end on accuracy.
How good you killed JFK?
Yeah, yeah.
Because it's very specific.
I think there's like three or four shots fired.
One of them went through the back seat into someone's thigh.
One of them hit like a bar and then the other one was like the kill shot or whatever.
And then I think maybe even one hit him somewhere else.
But when you're done it shows you the trajectory of each bullet that you shot.
You zoom in.
You see exactly where it pinged off and ricocheted.
So it wants you to recreate it.
And I think what it's trying to prove is not even like the fun of killing a president.
But that's the best part though.
We got to clip that out.
Can you switch presidents?
No, no.
Oh my god.
Dude, you're just behind Lincoln in the fucking.
Jesus Christ.
I love it.
You jump off and then it's just.
It's a running seat after.
It rates you on how much gray matter you hit in his brain.
And then how hard you hit the ground jumping off the balcony.
And level two becomes age of empires from that point forward.
Yeah.
Oh, you just like the.
History.
Great.
Shadow legends.
The part three is like you're that fucking disease that killed.
Poison right there.
One president for thirty nine days.
Millard.
Bill Moore.
Who's the guy that I remember?
Which president was it that guy shot him on the street because he thought.
Garfield?
No, Reagan.
Was it Reagan?
Oh yeah.
Jody Foster, right?
Yeah.
Because he thought.
No, Jody Foster did not do it.
No, no, no.
It was because of Jody.
Jesus Christ.
You guys are breaking my ADHD brain.
My Austin's.
The guy that shot Reagan did it because he thought it would make Jody Foster like him.
Yes.
So he did.
That's the three quote.
He survived.
He's oh, that is the three.
That guy after Lincoln reloaded.
However well you do it, Reagan, that's what base you get to with Jody Foster.
You get to a DM from Jody.
So here's the crazy part.
And this is a true story.
When I was 18, I was dating a girl, her mom, best friends with Jody Foster.
Jody Foster takes me and this girl out night on the town.
We go to dinner.
We go to an improv show.
We hang out.
So I spent like a good four or five hours with Jody Foster when I was 18.
And she's totally fucking cool.
Except here's the problem is she knew who I was when I got in the car because I was talked
about by the girl.
And she's like, oh, speaking of which, the nickname I had, I have no idea why was the
Amish guy full circle.
It really was.
And she and she goes, oh, you're the Amish kid or whatever.
And I was like, oh, ha ha, you heard about the thing that happened at camp where I met
this girl.
And I was like, I loved you in The Forgotten.
She wasn't in that movie.
The Forgotten.
Why don't you go kill a president, jackass?
You forgot.
The Forgotten is a movie that came out the exact same time as a movie she was in called
Flight Plan.
And the story for both movies is mother mysteriously loses kid and everybody gaslights her into
thinking that she never had a kid in the first place.
One takes place on a plane.
One takes place in New York or L.A. or whatever.
And she's like, oh, I wasn't in that one.
That's that's Julianne Moore.
And then I looked it up later and Julianne Moore is the chick who replaced her as as
Clarice in Hannibal.
I could have said to her anything.
I could have said, oh, I loved you in Silence of the Lambs.
I loved you in Contact.
I loved you in anything.
And I say I loved you in a movie she wasn't in.
And but she was very, very cool about it.
And she still allowed me to accompany her on the rest of the evening.
She's like, I've dealt with I've dealt with worst fans.
And then afterwards, I looked up to see if Ronald Reagan was still alive because I thought
fucking kill that guy because then I could get another.
No, I'm not with Tony Foster.
OK, I think one of my favorite photos of Reagan is him getting off the plane.
He's got like his head shaved because he had like brain surgery.
Oh, yes.
You know, yeah, no, it's a great photo.
He's like, I'm like, he's a drug.
Yeah, it's like he's all like out of it and like, fuck, that's cool.
Yeah, man.
Oh, there he is.
Like one of those.
But I'm sure you can find adorable.
You know, our current guy is just like, yeah, I mean, I don't encourage I don't want any,
you know, like although would be really funny to be able to switch out presidents for JFK
reloaded since we were talking about that was a great idea.
What about what about a Teddy Roosevelt?
Then he gets shot during a speech.
He just kept going.
He had he had.
There's like four or five.
Yeah, yeah.
28.
How many fucking tools did that guy get into?
It's a lot, right?
John Adams, Battle Royale, 12 gauge.
Battle Royale, John Adams.
There's a guy that got shot during a speech, but his set list was in his fucking like pocket.
And he's like, yeah, I'm going to continue the speech.
I think that was Ted Roosevelt.
And he just kept going.
Yeah, he was like, oh, fuck it.
That's bad.
But he I think it's Teddy Roosevelt that makes that led to the misnomer, the misinformation
that piranhas, if you just get into a if you jump into a body of water with a bunch of
piranhas, they're not going to get anywhere near you because they're fish and they're
afraid of fucking things in the water.
They're not these pack animals that surround and devour things instantly.
Wait, you mean that movie Piranha that was filmed here in Havasu was bullshit?
Yeah.
RIP, Janna Michaels.
But Piranha 3D was not.
Who's Janna Michaels?
Janna Michaels was in that movie.
She's like a porn star.
She just has like huge tits.
She was she was in the scene where fucking she's like parasailing and then she goes under
the water like halfway and then comes back up and her torso is just like hanging.
That sounds awful.
I was on set when they filmed that movie like right there on Main Street, like right by
like where Havasu Guns is like right the turnstreet to Glitch Park, Haiti.
I'm checking out.
But I was right there.
I was a kid and I was like hanging out with like the cast members and shit.
Just like talking to them.
They had like a little food stand.
I was eating food and they were like, well, we got to film this scene.
So like, you know, go fucking over there.
Little kid.
Where's your parents?
Go away.
There's titties on set.
There's a guy like standing there like with his kid, like watching them film it.
And I was like, you know, this is pretty cool, huh?
And he just totally cool guide me.
And I just fucking hated that guy.
It's so much to see an actor or is he just no, he was just there.
And I was just like, yo, this is cool.
They're filming a movie.
I'm a little kid and you're a grown ass man.
Like, you know, kid gives you a toy phone.
You answer that fucking phone call.
That kind of thing.
Yeah.
What a dick.
When I was when I was like, I think probably eight or nine, I went to a nickel nickel arcade.
Have you guys ever heard of that?
Just everything costs a nickel instead of quarters.
Yeah.
Which was awesome.
And I met and I saw that there was a have you guys ever seen the movie under wraps?
The Disney Channel original movie under wraps?
Is that the new docuseries about terrible things that sounds like it?
No, like they made a sequel last year, the year before under wraps, too.
But it's about these three kids who have to the mummy comes alive and they have to keep
the secret under under wraps.
And he's also wrapped up because he's a man.
I'm listening.
And he's not a rapper.
And I see I see one of the three.
Oh, my God.
They got to keep his identity under wraps.
They got to keep his identity under wraps because like he comes out and it's like,
Michael Eisner.
Yeah.
I don't think he says a fucking word to the whole thing.
The mummy.
I think he just wow.
Yeah.
And then how much money do you think he made off that movie?
That actor?
Yeah.
I think he's a good actor for being wrapped in toilet paper.
Very scared.
Mike's just writing so intensely and there's so many different.
What does it say?
Arkansas?
What the fuck?
OK, wait, hold on.
Let me finish this.
Let me just finish this real quick.
I see I see one of the three stars, one of the three leads.
It's this it's this redheaded kid.
His name is Adam Wiley.
He's an actor.
And I see him playing some game.
And I'm like, holy shit.
This is it.
I had the opportunity to meet someone who's done movies and ask him like how to get into
movies and shit.
And so I went up to him and I was like, hey, I like you in that movie.
How would I get into Disney or whatever?
It wasn't the right movie this time.
Yes.
And he he turns around.
He's like, hey, I mean, I know he didn't tell me to fuck off because he was also a kid,
but he basically told me to fuck off.
He's like, hey, leave me alone.
I'm playing games.
I don't really have time to talk.
And I was like, fuck, that's heartbreaking.
You know, like I did sucked.
Who was that again?
Say it again in the microphone.
Adam Wiley.
Look him up.
He's a fucking asshole.
Fucking go hang out with Matt, that little bitch, Matt.
Not that man.
Different.
We talked about the math that we that we always call.
He doesn't even bring it back.
Matt's here to bring him up, but yeah, fuck you, Matt, you little bitch.
We're going to have you fight Zach.
He's going to send me an angry message.
You're talking about me.
It's funny.
All right.
What are we going to say?
Australian Matt.
He was he was asking about curious notes.
This is what happens when you combine Kers banquet, whatever the hell this shorty is
Kers banquet.
Kers.
That's the Texas accent, which brings up you were asking me why I had Arkansas right now,
because when you consume Kers banquet and the gummies I'm eating and the weed you brought
at the beginning all at once within about a five minute period, your brain just goes
away a little bit.
And my brain went to something that's been happening for 40 something years.
I've been pissed about this.
That's the point.
That's Arkansas.
Let the poison take over Arkansas.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, hear me out.
What Arkansas is your problem?
What the fuck is wrong with people from Arkansas?
Is anyone here from Arkansas?
No, I've been to Texas.
OK, right.
And it's fucking pronounced right.
Oh, are you talking about the spelling of Arkansas?
It's our Kansas.
It is not fucking Arkansas.
They just decided they were going to make it that state theme.
Who decided that?
I don't know.
It's probably a long time.
Fucking backwards Arkansas people.
Some pirate from Kansas, some pirate from Kansas.
He was like our Kansas.
They were calling it that.
I've been through there and it's not very memorable.
They have a plan of fitness.
That's about all I know about them.
And sister fuckers.
Well, no, that's Alabama.
They got all they got cousin fuckers too there.
Fried Rice podcast hates the South, apparently.
They will never rise again.
Jesus Christ.
You'll never catch me down there.
And we were talking shit about the Confederacy a little bit earlier with that Abraham Lincoln
reloading.
They like slavery.
Yeah, fuck the South.
PETA.
They're also anti Hitler, everyone but Andrew, of course.
Wait, hold on.
I'm absolutely anti Hitler.
OK, Mike, you can't just say shit like that.
You know, I will say Hitler was a good painter.
No, terrible, terrible political leader.
Good painter.
He wasn't even that good of a painter.
Did he give good speeches or not?
He gave, I guess.
I mean, wait, hold everybody.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
And Mike, what are you doing right now?
First off, you say I like Hitler.
And then now you're saying he gives good speeches.
Are you is this like a Kanye West moment for you?
Andy, Andy, it's the poison.
I mean, I mean, the guy was pretty charismatic.
You got to give him that.
Was he a good guy?
No.
How the hell is he the only guy who has that mustache?
It's the poison combined with the death curse we had the anime kids put on him at King Kong.
It goes to that joke about ISIS or whatever.
They're the brave.
They were the brave ones.
The guy who was on that plane.
That's a Shane Gillis bit.
Yeah, that's what we're saying.
No, I'm not doing it.
I'm saying it goes to that bit that he does.
The guys on the monkey bars in sweatpants and sandals throwing rocks at tanks.
Yeah.
Those are the brave ones for the wrong reasons.
Those are our boys, man.
Our boys in black.
We don't agree with their politics, but it does.
Yeah, I feel like personality aspects.
I feel like we were we were having more.
What happened?
We were talking about Jodie Foster and then ISIS.
Yeah.
And then now it's like some fucking Hitler talk.
I'm not I'm not enjoying that.
Let's fucking move on from Hitler.
I've been playing a lot of Ark Survival Ascended lately and the server that we're on.
Yeah, it was just small tribes.
You know, we had our little tribe, the tribal Wal-Mart and the tribal Wal-Mart.
Every time we log in, you know, you could have like 100 people on the server and it's
just been growing and growing all these new tribes and people are like duping shit, like
duplicating items.
So we're good with all like the Alpha tribe on the server.
So we're about to wipe a bunch of people on the server.
And I just got a message from my tribe mate.
The war on children has officially begun.
Are you about to genocide some people?
Yeah, literally about to genocide some people.
Holy shit.
On an Ark server.
Speaking of Hitler, I guess.
I had a fun fact that I was going to bring up and get the fuck out of this rabbit hole.
But thank you.
That was fun.
Is just going back to JFK real quick and Lincoln.
I heard this.
I heard this and I don't know if this is true, but I think it is.
So Lincoln, he had a secretary and her last name was Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary.
Her last name was Lincoln.
The guy who shot Lincoln shot him in a theater, ran to a depository.
All of that stuff is super insane.
And then JFK's assassin shot him in a depository, ran to a theater.
They both had three names.
The assassins both had three names.
John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald.
Yeah.
Now, have you guys read 11, 23, 60, 63?
Fuck no.
What the fuck is this?
What did you just say?
The Stephen King book where it's, or there's also a show on prime you could probably watch.
That's to save you a lot of time because that's a big book, but it's an excellent book.
It's a guy who goes back in time to try to stop JFK's assassination.
And the rules of it are kind of cool because it's not standard time trial.
He doesn't have a machine.
He just walks into this room and he ends up like some June something 1958 and he has to
wait until 1963 to stop the assassination because that's when it happens.
So he has like these years he has to spend back there.
And then if he fucks up and doesn't do it, he comes back and he's actually aged.
So he and when he goes back, it resets back at that one point.
It's a very cool concept.
I've actually been there to the place where he got assassinated.
Like I stood on the grassy knoll from like where there was a guy who was on the Warren
commission that investigated it, like just selling his book.
And I didn't have a bunch of money.
I didn't even go to the book depository to like see the little tour of like Lee Harvey
Oswald fucking jacked off before he shot the president.
Like none of that.
I just wanted to like look like, oh, this is where he died.
That's where he got shot.
Makes sense.
Like I watched the video, looked at it.
There's guys selling his book that was on the Warren commission and I wasn't going to
buy his fucking book.
I wasn't going to read it.
He had a little pamphlet.
I was like, will you sign this pamphlet?
He's like, why don't you buy my book?
Like buy my fucking book.
I'm like, I want to buy your book.
You know, I'm just going to take the fucking pamphlet and I'm going to go take a little
Snapchat video and get a little emoji of a fucking target from where the guy shot it
from, where this impruder footage was filmed from.
And that call it a day.
I would say if you're going to go up to the guy at the grassy knoll selling books and
ask him for a pamphlet, don't ask him to sign it.
You dick.
Who's the comic book guy that we we we talked to?
We interviewed that work, skated with Tony Hawk, fucking worked on Marvel, worked on
Spider-Man.
I bought a comic from him.
Did you get a sign?
I got a sign and I was like, hey, I got the flyer for King Kong.
And I was like, will you sign this as well?
I got the other guys to sign.
I got Big Mike to sign.
He's like, fuck yeah, that's cool.
Do the thing.
Do your job.
It's strange how much we keep bringing up JFK and stuff like that when somebody super
famous's dad made like a deathbed confession this week that he was the one that killed
JFK.
Oh, he was like, I was the second shooter.
No, there was three of them.
Yeah, no.
So am I when I fucking die.
I was there.
Wait, I was this week.
Oh, that's interesting.
I have to look that up.
That's pretty crazy, though.
Do you think it's true?
No idea.
No, I mean, people say crazy shit on their death.
I mean, oh, yeah, entirely possible.
Zodiac killer never found him or her.
Oh, they think they did.
They think they did.
There's some kind of breakthrough with that.
Yeah, they kind of narrowed it down to this.
Take cruise.
Yeah, I was going to say this fucking take cruise.
They found the Green River killer and he's all Joe Biden down.
He's like, yeah, statue limitations.
I did it.
I was a cop too.
He was like, I did it.
Was that the brr brr brr?
Yeah.
Well, if we're, where are we at right now?
We're at an hour.
Oh shit.
Yeah, let's get into the movie.
Let's get into the movie.
Speaking of crazy shit.
Let's spark one of these guys up again.
Oh boy.
Or do you want one of these?
It might be a milder.
I'm going with the Jeter's, bro.
Yeah.
OK.
Here, you wanted to spark it up.
Sure, you got it.
Here's a lighter.
So the movie this week.
Oh, wait, we're an hour in?
Yeah.
Shout out to my boy, Matt, Australian Matt.
I'm just going to make him listen to an hour of this podcast.
As you know.
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to make him listen to an hour of this podcast.
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to make him listen to an hour of this podcast.
As you know.
Oh, he said my name, Mike.
Oh, dude.
Australian Matt.
Yeah, we're going to have to get him on the show one day when he comes out of his cage.
He laughs like a surfer dude.
It's funny.
Oh, dude.
Oh, SpongeBob.
I love it already.
Dude, he's a freaking great guy.
I love that guy.
And that's cool.
Matt, it's Nick.
I love you and this dude.
Keep listening.
There's more about you later.
Just listen for another hour.
Actually, every podcast we do on the hour, we yell out Australian Mike or Matt.
Matt.
Yeah, we always give him a shout out on the hour every hour.
That's why you asked.
Like the last five episodes that he shows listen to.
All right.
So the movie is crank.
What year was it?
I didn't even fucking look it up.
2006.
Yeah, I think so.
Because that's what all the Google Maps said.
Rock was a real cool thing.
Yeah.
So product placement in this movie.
So movies crank.
It is a classic action.
It's a Jason Statham eight year olds.
Probably a view.
Half of it.
It's it opens up hard.
It's just it's hardcore Henry for the first minute or two person hardcore.
Yeah.
Hard.
Hardcore.
And then the camera pans out and it's third person.
It's it's you're playing first person that the guy hits.
Oh, I found the third person mod.
And then you're just watching the rest of a like Duke Nukem game mixed with.
I don't know.
It's trailer.
See gave me very good gamer.
It's trailer park boys transporter.
Yeah.
OK.
Speaking of all that of all of that, we have to tell you if you watch we might want to
put it on the episode before when we recommend this.
If you have epilepsy, do not watch this fucking movie.
Oh, well, yeah, because it's it opens.
I'll get very, very.
I didn't watch the movie.
He's are inducing.
Yeah, it's.
Oh, yeah.
OK, so it's it's Jason Bates.
Basic plot, Jason Statham gets injected with a drug that makes it so that he has to keep
his adrenaline up or he's going to die.
And he does this in a.
Oh, sorry.
That was a weird way to grab it.
So it's pretty much like the movie Speed with the Bus, but it's his heart instead of like
an actual vehicle.
If speed was X rated.
If speed if if over 55 miles an hour was like cocaine and fucking.
It's exactly like speed.
I know Jason Statham was really on like thinking he's like, oh, yeah, this movie is going to
be a great idea.
Let's go.
Look, it was it from a financial standpoint.
And it has a sequel.
Cheers, brother.
Thank you.
And it wasn't his best performance, which we saw in Ghost of Mars.
This is this is after Ghost of Mars, obviously, because you could tell his acting skills have
gotten better.
So what about his ass?
What about his ass?
His ass is in the movie.
Did you watch?
What was it?
Those old when all the old dudes got together and did the movies like Space Cowboys?
It's like the badass ones.
Expendables.
You watch Expendables, right?
Jason Statham was in that.
Yeah.
His ass did not do any justice.
I have nothing wrong, nothing bad to say about Jason Statham.
I like him as an action star.
I will say did we talk about Beekeeper at that glitch?
He makes being bald cool.
Yeah, we did talk about Beekeeper.
Yeah.
But on the pod?
You talked about it on the pod.
Yeah.
Did I?
OK, because I did watch Beekeeper and the very blatant bee stuff really pissed me off.
The bee lessons that they gave me.
All right.
OK.
So movies crank, it opens with Jason Statham waking up and basically a prodigy's music
video.
Yeah, it's a prodigy music video.
Hardcore Henry.
That scene from Doom all at once.
The movie Doom.
Yeah, I know.
I just mash them all together at once.
The one with five screens in front of you do all of that at once and you'll have this
movie and he picture gets injected with this.
So he wakes up, he's groggy, he's feeling weird.
He goes to his TV and says, fuck you on the VHS.
The movie opens up with just fuck you.
Yeah, he plays the VHS and it's the main rival guy telling him, hey, we put this Chinese
shit, that's what they call it, in your neck.
You got the good Chinese shit.
Yeah, it's that one Mexican guy from like, I think it was like Death Race.
Yeah.
Okay, so he's also, I believe one of the dudes was the guy that gets the monkey up his ass
in Bruce Almighty, I think.
No, that's Hector and that guy plays Hector in every movie he's in.
He's Hector in Bruce Almighty, he's Hector in this.
You look at that actor's credits, it's Hector on everything.
That's great.
But he was in this, right?
He was the one that had the conversation.
He gets thrown off the building.
And then it also has the sort of half love interest from Veronica Mars.
That guy, any Veronica Mars fans?
Is that the girl from the one scene in Chinatown?
No, it's the...
I don't know any Veronica's.
No, it's Kristen Bell, the chick from The Good Place.
It was her show when she was younger.
She plays a high school detective in Orange County, but it's not like case of the week,
it sort of is, but then it gets dark and gangs and rapes and all sorts of shit.
It gets...
Gangs and rapes and gang rapes?
Yeah.
Well, he plays a gang banger.
Blazer.
Once again, it's gang rapes.
So anyway, fuck it.
I like, watch Veronica Mars.
What were we talking about?
Crank.
Yeah.
All right.
The first scene, yes.
Now there's really nothing else to talk about other than the shenanigans he goes through.
It's the second scene though.
Of what?
It opens with that, right?
It shows all that, and the very next scene it cuts to the doctor getting...
Talk to the mic.
It cuts to the doctor getting rubbed down by a bunch of naked females just to set the
rest of the movie up.
I love that.
That's the very next scene, so it starts with that, and the next scene is that doctor, him
calling that doctor who's getting a massage and his interactions.
So of course Mike points out, he got mad at me right now because I skipped over the titties.
Yeah, there's a bunch of titties in this for Mike.
There's a bunch of titties.
Yeah, why the hell would you do that?
I thought you would have time codes.
I'm so sorry.
That's part of the movie.
I thought you would have...
You have time codes?
Yeah, he has time codes.
But it's the next thing.
We call Mike Mr. Skin behind his back.
I started...
I started the...
I watched Crank 2, high voltage.
That was the first one I was exposed to.
There was a movie gallery down the street from my house, and we rented that movie, never
returned it.
We didn't have internet, we were poor, so I had that amongst an assortment of other movies.
Which I meant porn.
Yeah.
A lot of good posses.
Crank 2, high voltage.
A lot of good posses.
I guess he really cranked that.
Yeah.
Austin was making crank 3.
The amply named Crank 2, or 3 or 4, 5 times.
Crank 3, cranking hog.
Elbow grease.
Crank high voltage is what it's called, the actual...
He does use electricity in it.
Don't they have a...
Isn't there a giant Kaiju battle fight in a...
Like a transforming heart at one point?
He turns into like Electro?
I'm not wrong.
Isn't there like a giant...
He turns into like a Power Ranger Megazord.
That brings me back to one of the other movies we reviewed, which was Guns at Kimbo.
And Mike, that's how you fucking do it.
That was another movie.
I only made it halfway through before I passed out.
Great movie though.
Yeah, fun.
Guns at Kimbo.
Oh, I like...
Yeah.
A lot of good cameos too.
Dennis from It's Always Sunny.
That's the other guy.
And most importantly, Chester motherfucking Bennington, rest in peace.
Who was he?
He's the guy that's in the doctor's office.
He's trying to get epinephrine, and Chester Bennington's in the background reading, he's
like, get the nasal spray, it's got epinephrine in it, you'll start tweaking after that.
Oh shit.
That was Chester fucking Bennington from Lake and Park, dude.
I didn't even know that.
No, yeah, the secret cameos are always like, what?
I might have to rewatch that movie because I remember watching it once.
I don't remember it well.
It'll make you want to watch the sequel.
It made me want to rewatch the sequel.
Is this another Guns at Kimbo?
No.
Oh, they crank.
Crank.
It's a sequel crank, yeah.
The sequel for Crank, eh.
So how does it remember that one as much as the first?
What's the first bit of adrenaline?
He speeds, right?
In his car?
No, no, no.
Oh yeah, he's speeding in his car.
He's speeding in my speeding, yes.
He speeds up.
So he starts speeding, he goes, oh shit, okay.
And then he goes into the bar.
So that first run, he's getting into his car and it's got the 40 different cuts and the
bright lens flares and shit.
I put, I hate the fucking editing in this movie.
I hate it so much.
Most of it.
Because it got better later.
They literally did a comic book transition.
Did you see it with a three?
It went one, two, three panel comic book transition.
They did a lot of bullshit in this fucking movie.
There's literally Google map transitions, which I kind of like.
It's like literally just cuts to-
Labeled 2004 Google maps in the corner.
Oh my God.
And it just starts in one area and it goes up and it's like the, it's the transition
in GTA V when you're switching characters.
Yep.
It's exactly what it is.
But it's the same guy.
It's the same dude.
It's like back in me with the shameless plugs for shit.
Oh man.
Like the Coca-Cola and the McDonald's.
Oh yeah.
What are any other product placement I didn't pick up on?
No.
Oh wait, cocaine?
Cocaine.
Yeah.
No, the energy drinks.
Oh, all the energy drinks.
Oh yeah.
Monster, Red Bull, Rockstar.
I think it was just Red Bull, right?
No, that was Monster and Rockstar.
You didn't see the final credits you said?
They literally put a can of Red Bull in the final credits.
Oh my God.
There's something, your dream girl is in this, Andy.
You know why?
Every time he calls his fucking girlfriend, she doesn't answer her fucking phone.
Yeah.
I look, all my friends that listen to this, they're applauding right now.
They're giving you a standing fucking ovation when they're like, you're goddamn right,
Andy doesn't fucking answer his phone.
Where the fuck is Andy?
He's up next.
Shit.
Thankfully you're not a fucking doctor.
I'm never on call.
I'm glad that other Andrew Rice is a doctor and not you.
That's one of my best posts.
The ice is melting for this heart transplant.
Speaking of hearts and shit.
He's playing Final Fantasy VII.
Walks in through the double door, hey guys, let's get fried.
So he goes to the black bar, he immediately points a gun at this dude's head, goes to
the bathroom, asks him where the fucking game-manger guy is and he doesn't know.
And then he gets out of it alive and gets cocaine from the dude, breaks it on the floor
and says, hey, what a waste of cocaine.
He would have had cocaine for at least an hour or two if he was smarter with it.
We learn more and more about you each episode.
What was it?
Salvia?
And now it's cocaine etiquette?
I'm just saying it's a waste of fucking cocaine.
He just rips the bag open, throws it on the bathroom floor.
But then he says-
On the floor?
Yeah.
Bathroom floor at a strip club.
Well, no, yeah, who put that toilet in my cocaine room?
But who cares?
Oh, god.
Yeah.
Imagine just scooping some of that coke off the floor and snorting it.
He does.
He gets on the floor and he just starts fucking inhaling it.
He just starts snorting it.
But then it's just not enough.
He's like, oh, that's good shit.
That's good shit.
Then he stands up, but then he starts to feel woozy again.
And he says, one, he says the first controversial line of the movie, which is, I'm going to
kick some black ass.
Yeah.
And the guy goes, what?
And then he just starts beating the shit out of all these black gangbangers.
What are they like 50 Cent?
They're like, that guy looked a lot like 50 Cent.
That's the most racist thing.
So he's just like fucking hate crime.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, I'm just kidding.
I don't know.
I was, I'm just, I don't think Curtis Jackson, but honestly, the only sane one in all that
scene was the black drug dealer.
The main drug dealer guy was like, Hey, calm down.
He's like, he's like, he told everybody, he told all his friends, all his friends off.
That was the proper way to sell him cocaine too.
He just threw it and it stuck to his bold ass head.
That was great.
When he goes outside and steals the taxi, he, the guy's like, Hey, don't take my car.
Whatever.
He just yells al-kai-da, al-kai-da.
And then a bunch of fucking white women just run up and start beating the shit out of this,
this brown person because I wish that would happen to Alex at work.
Oh, wow.
Let's Alex number two, not PGP.
I love you.
I'm going to come in there and play the Taylor Swift for you.
Just like when I used to work.
Is your friend Alex ever going to listen to this?
Maybe he might.
I hope he does.
And you hope he gets al-kai-da?
Especially when we mention him again in another 30 minutes.
I mean, depending on your outlook of it, he's a very racist individual and he's like brown
skin.
We call him the Arab.
That's the big joke at work.
Pretty sure he is some sort of like Middle Eastern, like down the way.
You haven't asked?
You know the terrorist?
That's what he tells me.
He's too afraid.
Remember, remember the movie, Andy, remember the movie, uh, true lies, the terrorists in
the end of it.
He's like a kind of a chunkier version of that guy.
He calls me a filthy Scott and a filthy slob all the time.
And he takes classes over there at the airport for something.
We don't know.
That's pretty suspicious.
One evening I'm leaving work and I see him and he's walking and I'm like, shut up, you
sand lover.
And uh, he says, fuck you.
And so I drive away.
The next day I get to work.
He tells me, dude, somebody came up and was like, are you okay?
Some people are just so evil.
And I think since this lady comes over to console him after I drive away, doesn't even
realize we're coworkers.
And so he's just like, you mother fucker, I got you.
So she just heard you call him that and then went to console him.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, rightfully so that's a con you did call him a sand lover.
And I know you're not, you didn't say lover.
Well, but no, I've listened.
I grew up in Dallas.
I got all kinds of black friends that call me their N word that I can't say back, but
they, they do it all the time.
It's not, so trust me, it wasn't out of hate.
It wasn't, it was just a friendly comment.
It would've been funny if he just turned around and was like, actually I'm Puerto Rican.
Well, actually that's what I thought he was originally.
And he's like, fuck those sand lovers.
Oh no, yeah, you should hear him.
He's like, I'm going to bring a bomb to work.
And it's weird, I'm not sure if it's a joke or it's a warning, but we'll see.
It's a promise.
Was that what you meant when you said we were going to ask him about work?
Yeah, Austin, I like how you left when I started bagging on Alex.
Like, oh, fuck Alex.
Thank you.
See, I'm not evil.
You tipped me $30 on a door dash, but fuck that guy.
No, you missed the part where I said some really mean things and then some lady was
like, oh, are you okay, young man?
I'm going to tell him, go to, where are we at?
We're at an hour 16.
Okay, I'm going to tell him an hour and 35 minutes in.
I mean, I can call him, get on the phone.
You guys can see how evil he is.
No, no, I don't want to.
He just gets on and he's like, he's like, get to America.
That's probably literally how he wants it.
I'd rather have Isaac be an actual guest here.
Isaac.
Oh, well, in that case, I thought he was talking about Alex.
Yeah.
Let's get back to the movie.
Oh, please.
Because I feel like I'm losing.
I'm going to go to the bathroom real quick.
All right.
So then we get the phone call where he where he calls the main bad guy first door on the
phone and when the guy answers, he goes, oh, hey, baby, I'm going to suck your dick.
Blah, blah, blah.
This is Jason Statham saying this to the bad guy.
Oh, hey, big bad boy.
I'm going to suck your dick or whatever.
Right.
And the guy's like, Hey, is this you, Charlie?
Oh, yeah, motherfucker.
And I'm coming for you.
Why?
Why did he do the fake little the fake little like he loves antagonizing every time he gets
his goat every single time?
Have you ever done bathroom, floor, cocaine?
It makes you say that on the phone.
Sure.
Austin, I suck your dick.
You called you a podcast.
You all right, man?
The whole thing was a set up for another product placement when they just broke into achy,
breaking heart halfway through.
It was all set up for product placement.
Miley Cyrus is dead.
And then and then he goes to his old boss's house and his boss is like swimming in the
pool.
He could have just waited for him to resurface, but no, he jumps in the pool with him and
it's like you go up now.
We're security guards of all time that they allow this to.
Okay.
Do you think do we just not see the part where he walks in, got patted down for weapons?
They're like, all right, he's swimming, go stand by the pool.
He'll get to you when he's done.
And then he so you're then he just jumps into the fucking pool, looks at him, points up
like what else?
And then they have a they have a weird conversation where he basically tells them like, hey, sorry,
you're on your own.
You have to, you know, whatever, right?
I understand.
But you understand that this movie, the way you describe the conversations takes longer
than the conversations did in the movie.
They were just sites.
What you said, did we miss it?
Yeah, people missed it because it was three seconds.
They'd say, hey, here's what's going on.
And they'd be done.
And you're just like, yeah, which is made this whole movie is only like an hour 20
because there's no conversation.
There's a conversation later on the movie where he's running and he's talking to the
doctor and he's like, he just stuck himself with a bunch of epinephrine and he's like,
all right, so you gave yourself too much.
Yep.
As you're running, you feel cold.
Roger, just one word responses as he's running to answering all these questions.
You have a raging fucking hard on.
He's just standing next to that guy looking at the TV in the window.
And the one getting looks like they still had those.
Oh, yeah.
And he's just like, that's and he looks over and he sees that guy just staring at him with
a fucking raging fucking cock.
But he looks at the face.
He goes, oh, this is the guy.
But then he looks at it because obviously you're going to look at the dude's dick, which
was huge.
Now, let's let's talk about this big old dick.
They talk about it constantly.
This girlfriend, as she's sucking his dick in the car.
Oh my God, it's so big.
She says that one of the Asian girls on the TV, she's like, oh, he was a very masculine,
manly man, so big.
And then, you know, state the road, all that shit in there.
Yeah, that was all state them choices.
That was actually like the most epic chase scene.
He's getting a blow job as he's getting in a car chase, fucking killing people.
Honestly, pretty this.
If Brennan was here, simply off to Boston was here, he would say same as guns akimbo.
This is the movie.
Turn your fucking brain off and enjoy.
Exactly.
Because it's all insane.
The whole thing.
It's I mean, he throws the dude's hand and the line he says when he throws it, what could
you use a hand and throws him the severed hand?
I mean, the entire movie is cliché.
That's super corny.
I will say there's some some pretty savage insults.
Like he kills the dude's brother and he uses a few gay slurs to describe his brother when
he's talking to him on the phone.
Yes, also that that one guy that one guy is there with the crop top and everything.
I forget who the actors are.
Other things is his gay friend, his gay friend.
I believe he I think I missed the part.
I think I got like a text or something and something happens to that guy.
Oh, he dies.
He gets that and he uses his gay friend as a human shield.
Yes, a dead human shield for that matter.
If I'm dead and you guys are in a shootout, you can use my body as a human.
Thank you.
He did not react very well or he didn't react.
He didn't have much reaction when he saw his friend there.
He's just like, what's the fuck is that all about?
Wait, did they already kill him or did they kill him?
Yeah, remember they got him.
Because he called and said, hey, they're here.
And that was this place.
But that was them putting a phone next to his head.
So when he showed up, he was already dead.
They put a bag over his head and then they change.
And then for some reason, pull them up on a pulley.
So much happens in this movie so fast.
I missed that part.
That's the one part I missed.
I don't like I wish that thugs I wished it like you one time we would get a criminal
organization that had efficient thugs, not this like we're going to put a bag over this
guy's head.
When this guy comes in, we'll have a conversation first.
We'll all point guns or whatever.
No, I want just guys that are trained to be trained to do their fucking job.
So it's like, oh, hey, I need this little gay assistant of Jason Statham to die.
And they're like, absolutely.
They take them.
They have them play the phone call.
And then they just break his fucking neck because it's just or they stab him in the
throat a few times because it's or you just put a bag over his head and watch him die.
If that's what you need to do.
But you don't need to hoist them up on a fucking chain.
You don't need to do what you are becoming.
Your time management for serial killers is classes over.
What do you mean?
I mean, that you're you are a D.D. or OCD the way they kill people.
Yeah, I'm not a fan.
You don't you do not need to train them how to do it better.
I mean, granted, the other guys was more of a comedy, but like they had a pretty in my
head a pretty good way of handling the bad guys for you.
The bad guys were better than they captured Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell all the time.
And they tied him up and put him on the train.
The other guys.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Was Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell.
Did they ever have a chance to kill them with the intention of wanting them dead and never
took the shot?
Yeah, they tied them up and they put them in their car.
That's what I'm talking about.
They made it funny.
It was a comedy, though.
I understand.
But every time.
Obviously, the whole thing is like Bond villains are the fucking worst because they they put
Bond through and he puts him in some traps that he can get out of.
Right.
Just shoot them in the fucking head is what I'm saying.
I want to move that, please.
I want a movie.
Oh, God, you get with the whole president talk earlier.
There's some damage you could do with these these clips.
But let's go.
Yeah, I want like a movie where.
OK, you've all seen Kingman, the first one.
Spoilers for a movie that's like, you know, 10 years old by this point.
Like one of the main characters like walks out of the room and the and one of the main
bad guys is like, this isn't a fucking movie and shoots him in the head and like kills
him.
Right.
And it's dope.
And I love that.
I want more of that.
I want like if if a guy's going to if they're ruthless, it makes them more ruthless if they're
efficient.
I agree.
Not every like the wet bandits should have fucked up, Kevin, real bad.
But the moment the first booby trap went off, they should have just gotten a little smarter
and burned the fucking house down.
It's a family guy.
But what?
It's a family guy.
But what is hey, come up these days and they just fucking shoot him in the head.
You know, sounds like John Wick.
Perfect.
Yeah.
John Wick steps up.
Yeah.
I'm just saying that that or just move to a different house.
Funny, funny headshots.
That's what would really happen.
What bandit's like, oh, shit, there's a kid here.
Someone's in this house.
Let's just go rob another one.
Let's find another different neighborhood.
Or the wet bandits.
Let's go just rob someone.
Let's go rob an old lady.
Why do we need to fuck with this kid?
That's what would happen.
No goal.
There's no.
Yeah, they don't even rob them.
We're going to get a house.
Are they just going to get meth?
Are they going to get a.
They're in the kitchen at one point.
Grab the silverware, run away.
What do you need?
The TV?
But this whole argument is it's moviemaking and those are choices they're making because
otherwise you could take any movie.
Take Home Alone.
That's what we're just talking about.
I'm saying that the kids versus the adults is never going to happen in real life.
You can't real life.
Every movie is my point.
But McCulloch, Hulkin, I love doing that.
McCulloch, Hulkin is behind doing another Home Alone movie.
I'd suggest making a movie.
The wet bandits are just living in their little shitty apartment together.
And McCulloch, Hulkin brings the fight to them as an adult.
Like he's hard.
He's on hard times and he's going to rob them.
He's no.
He just wants a revenge story.
He's going to kill the fucking wet bandit.
Oh, OK.
So not just so there's no.
Is he going to do with booby traps or do you think just like he's going to do booby traps
and then they're going to try to like we're going to use his game against him and they
try to set their own booby traps.
Maybe maybe they're unsuccessful.
Maybe they're super successful.
They robbed.
They went to some other kid's house and robbed it because there was nobody there.
They made a bunch of money.
They have this big house.
McCulloch, Hulkin is down on his luck.
No, here we go.
Here we go.
And we black.
We have a completely compromised black cast.
McCulloch, Hulkin is the dad and he accidentally leaves one of his kids behind.
That's the new Kevin that's staying behind.
But because he's Kevin, he's Kevin McAllister, his house is rigged.
So when that kid gets fucked with, the kid just starts having to activate the pre-made
traps, which are a lot deadlier.
And he starts and then it's not just callbacks, but they're deadlier.
Right.
Exactly.
So instead of being like a paint can, it's like 20 paint cans and there's nails in them
or whatever.
Have you seen the movie Law Abiding Citizen?
Oh yeah.
T-bone steak buddy.
With Gerard Butler and fucking...
Yes.
That fucking scene is so good.
I feel like that's like a grown up Kevin McAllister.
Yeah.
Law Abiding Citizen is definitely, if Kevin McAllister grew up and hated the police force,
I guess, hated corrupt cops and wanted everyone to fucking die.
That's such a good movie.
God, we should do that.
Is that on Tubi?
Oh, Andy, what were your thoughts on the movie Hostage that I basically had to hold you hostage
to watch?
You know, I'm going to be honest.
I watched about 20 minutes and I didn't finish it yet.
I had to pause it.
Still.
Do I have to watch it with you?
You know, I put myself through a torture watching Shadows in the Sky, I think it was.
Shadows in the Sun.
Shadows in the Cloud, I think is what it was.
Oh, what's it called?
Or what's it about?
It was the chick, the hit girl from Kick Ass.
And it was about a World War II B-52 bomber.
And this girl like sneaks on and sneaks on the plane.
And there's a gremlin.
And it went to shit really fast.
The first part of the movie or like the first two thirds of the movie is all in the ball
turret with her filming and this whole thing.
And then the gremlin shows up.
Sounds awesome.
What's it called?
It's called Shadows in the Cloud.
And you think it sounds awesome, right?
I thought it sounded and looked pretty cool.
And then I watched it and I'm like, oh, I just got worse and worse and worse.
And then the end, she beats the shit out of the gremlin.
And it was like, oh, thanks for ruining the fucking movie.
I just said I wanted to watch.
We go watch it.
It's not ruined yet.
I just told you like basic parts that I don't know.
Do you know if the gremlin dies?
You got the Russian version.
Yeah.
I give it.
There's a four out of 10.
It's my head.
It was it was rough.
There's a World War Two movie that came out a few years ago where they're fighting zombies.
Did you guys see that one?
No.
Overlord.
I mean, yeah, Overlord was good.
That's a good that's a solid zombie movie.
Turn your brain off or is a smart one.
It's sort of a turn your brain off because it's it's you're just watching tough World
War Two guys.
Yeah.
Deal with fucking zombies and with and it's it's awesome.
German zombies, I think.
Yeah.
No, it's like a Nazi zombie type thing.
So they just did black ops, COD zombies.
That's exactly what it was.
And I think they tried to get a couple like B list guys in there to to kind of make it
worth watching.
There's a few.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
It's not enemy at the gates or Saving Private Ryan, but it's definitely better than worth
a watch for sure.
What's that zombie kick kick?
What's that fucking zombie movie?
Zombie Land.
Zombie Land 2.
I haven't seen this.
I'm scared.
I haven't seen it.
I haven't seen it for two years and I've not seen it.
I watched Zombie Land 2.
Did you guys hear they're making a Boondock Saints 3 without Troy Duffy as the director?
You mentioned that to us on the chat.
That's fucked up.
I'm scared.
I'm so scared.
Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flannery are returning, but it's about indoctrinating new
Saints.
Oh, lucky me.
And Troy Duffy is like, I'm going to continue the story in the novel.
So it's going to be a non-canon movie.
They're doing Star Wars to us on an indie film.
Okay.
As long as it's not as bad as Halo.
Oh shit.
Fucking Master Cheeks.
I haven't even given it a hate watch.
Master Chi on Jimmy Rings, bro.
Why do you gotta see his butt?
It's bad enough we gotta see his face.
You gotta show us his fucking ass.
He's supposed to be 14.
Why is he fucking an...
Oh, it's not.
It's not okay.
I know, but this is exactly where they killed the Arbiter.
They killed the Arbiter in fucking stupid 2.
Season 2.
That's dumb.
They said that's the better season.
The clips I've seen is him like playing in bits on the floor.
He looks kind of fucking dead.
Who plays Sergeant Johnson?
Carlos?
No, he's just no Johnson.
Okay.
He's just black.
Wait, I'm calling time out and I'll tell you why.
Andy.
What?
This is in your standup.
What?
What they're doing right now is in your standup.
What?
They're trashing something they don't like.
I love Halo.
Because...
You don't like the TV show.
You don't like an interpretation of it on television.
Fair.
No, what I'm saying is that you look at a movie like Madame Web and it is 50%.
It is a C. It's a D+.
It's not hot garbage like everyone says.
It's not on Rotten Tomatoes.
It's a 13%.
It's tubulomorphous, which is a 15%.
The Marvels was dog shit compared to like...
Wait, hold on.
But the Marvels wasn't dog shit.
The Marvels is a...
You didn't like it.
The Marvels is a hundred...
He didn't like it.
I didn't watch it.
But it's a hundreds, you know, whatever fucking million dollar movie.
But I'm just saying it looks great.
The acting is what it needs to be.
The story's fine.
Did you not like the scene with all the cats fucking eating everybody?
Okay, yeah, that was the saving grace of that movie.
Did you not like all the Nick Fury stuff?
Did you not like...
No.
Samuel Jackson stuff?
Did you watch...
Hold on.
I had to watch Secret Invasion for any of that Nick Fury stuff to make sense.
Yeah.
And that's what bothered me is the fact that, okay, cool.
I'm being having to force...
But that's what Marvel is.
But that's the point.
It's homework now.
But that's what Marvel is.
Yeah, but no.
It's more than that, Andy, because that particular movie that you're hammering on and that they
hammer on online and all that stuff.
Did you say that was Marvel?
My 11-year-old daughter, granddaughter, my 11-year-old granddaughter now is into Marvel.
Because of that movie?
Yes.
Okay.
So I can understand your 11-year-old granddaughter loving that because, again, Brie Larson became
a princess.
We're talking about the Marvels.
A Disney princess in that movie.
Not in that way.
But it was a very female-esque movie and stuff like that.
Nothing's wrong with that.
I mean, again, for what it was, again, it's a Marvel movie.
I liked it for that quality alone.
And realistically, I don't hate it.
And on top of that, it has nothing to...
But that is my least favorite.
I like Morbius over that.
It has nothing to do with strong female leads.
Same thing with Star Wars.
They're like, oh, you don't like Rey because she's a strong female.
Well, surprisingly...
Padme, Rey, Asuka.
Why haven't you seen the Marvels?
What was it?
Mrs. Marvel.
The TV show Mrs. Marvel was great.
I don't go see movies right when they come out.
And everyone was fucking trashing that movie and said, it wasn't great.
I kind of liked it, but...
But that's what we're saying.
Oh, you watched the Marvels?
I did not watch the Marvels.
So that's what I'm saying, though.
I watched Mrs. Marvel and I liked that show.
Yeah.
So why wouldn't you watch the movies earlier?
It's literally only seeing it to see Brie Larson interact with the girl from Mrs. Marvel.
And there's Rainbow.
There's the chick, the black chick from WandaVision.
Yeah.
Don't...
She gets powers.
What's wrong with her?
That was really only badass because of the ending sequence.
No, but she has...
Or the ending squips, my bad.
Well, let's not give away everything, because you've been giving away endings to everything
we've talked about.
It's been out for like a year and a half.
Literally, literally we're like, oh, let's talk about Halo for a second.
They kill the Arbiter in season two.
I haven't watched any of it.
I'm only going off of memes.
There's a movie where a girl is a gremlin on the plane.
She kills him at the end.
Andy, that is your point.
He just said to you, and I don't know if you heard it, he's only going off of memes.
So the point is it affects...
The one movie I'll give you.
Okay.
But what I'm saying is you didn't watch the Marvels, Austin, because...
Or Madame Web.
I've seen everything else.
Because you heard it was shitty.
No, I thought it was going to be shitty, so that's why I didn't go see it right away.
And then like my suspicions got confirmed.
What about it looks shitty?
You don't like Brie Larson?
No, I thought...
I was like, hey, this is dumb.
I just see...
What about it's dumb?
It's a funny movie.
It's got some funny parts.
It's got some cool action sequence.
I would literally watch it just for the homework and when it comes out on Disney for free.
It's on Disney for free.
I'm going to be real.
It's been out for weeks.
I'm going to be real.
I stopped watching Marvel movies after Endgame.
A lot of people did.
That's at least a stance I can get into.
I just couldn't keep up anyway.
Guardians 3 though.
I didn't watch it.
I didn't need to.
That was a stellar movie.
Well, so was Thor, Love and Thunder that everyone else shit on.
Oh, again, so you say you didn't shit on it, but why?
It was great.
Again, I did love that movie.
Spider-Man No Way Home.
That was also a good one.
Wait, hold on.
We're all talking at once.
We got it.
Sorry.
I didn't say it was shitty.
Okay.
All right.
Hold on.
So, okay.
You said eh when I mentioned Thor, Love and Thunder.
So it gets an eh from you.
What's the rating?
Like a six out of 10?
You know, you have a strong ending when you're a Thor movie and they just didn't have a strong
ending for me.
Just not better than Ragnarok.
I mean, Ragnarok was funny all around and I feel like, again, Thor, Love and Thunder
pushed a lot of ideals and stuff like that.
Yeah, but he's just following the comics.
Jane Foster's Thor in the comics.
Yeah, but I...
Okay, what about She-Hulk?
Oh, yeah.
I thought She-Hulk was great.
It was...
I love She-Hulk.
It's like a lawyer comedy.
I just thought it was a little weird.
There was like a whole gay rock monster romance sequel to.
Gay rock monster?
And I'm not bashing on any beliefs or nothing, but I'm just like...
It was just weird that they had to carry that on so much through that movie.
But I think that's the only gay character in all of Thor, I feel, and it's a rock monster.
Lady Sith.
Yeah.
There's a few different...
Loki.
Loki's kind of...
Right.
Loki's everything, but that's Thor.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, Loki's just in Nuxa.
I'm not even gonna go there.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Shut the fuck up.
I haven't seen season two.
And you stop.
I'm not even gonna go there.
Just say it.
It's great.
Look what I did.
It's great.
I'll just say it's great.
Watch it.
Please.
For the love of God, don't say, oh, yeah, I saw a meme where at the end of Loki fucking
blah, blah, blah.
Don't.
I didn't.
Okay.
I'm just gonna have to stop you.
And it's not just about this, about Marvel, we get into that with Marvel because we're
all geeks, but we do this with everything nowadays and that's the problem.
Everything has to be black or white.
Everything has to be a meme.
Everything has to be like, oh, and so you're just saying and is something that you really
don't know.
Yeah.
You know, if you got to look at it from other people's eyes and then they hear you and it
affects what's in their brain.
And that's our whole world we're living in now.
It's crazy.
I don't take one little thing and blow it up and you go into a movie that you don't
even know.
You know, like is my own.
Yeah.
But here's the problem is that these reviews affect people going and seeing it.
It's like it really does fuck shit up for the movie.
So it's like everyone.
Oh, it's all girl power.
Disney has an agenda and all this stuff, which I hear all the fucking time, which is just
what the fuck I'm picking shoes with it.
I mean, I listen to screen crush Ryan Airy, you're right.
Sure.
And I trust them because I feel like they get me the fan, especially when it comes to
like things like Star Wars.
Oh, yeah.
Every, every episode of a Soca.
I was right on.
Those are.
Yeah.
She becomes a so great.
Wait, hold on.
Hold on.
Stop spoiling things.
Not everyone has seen a soca.
I did.
I can't be the only asshole.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Actually, let's stop because this is this is I don't want these roots.
Let's just get back to crank.
We need to finish this fucking review.
Six months ago.
But I'm you know, we can spoil Craig.
It's been out for 20 something years.
Final Fantasy rebirth and watch.
I need to finish the game and then we'll fuck.
I'll get into it.
But let's just get back to Craig.
So he's he's stealing cars.
He's fucking in a hospital gown doing a doing a Jackson.
Jack's teller on the motorcycle.
Yeah.
Hospital gown.
How about that?
Spoiler.
That movie came out.
It was 20 years ago.
And you know, I have you finished the game?
Someone spoiled that for me.
Someone shared a fucking video of him just doing exactly what you're talking about.
I'm like, I came up with a theory that that they put Courtney Love in the show right at
the end, just like here's Courtney Love.
And then you look at Jack's teller like he's fucking Kurt Cobain.
I'm like, this is just a show for Courtney.
To give Courtney Love something to finger herself to.
OK, so he goes to the hospital, steals epinephrum, gets defibrillated, gets launched into an
elevator, somehow doesn't die from that, steals a fucking police bike in a very funny way
by stealing the guy's gun and then just fucking throwing it away from him, like taunting him
and then getting on his bike.
Does the Jackson tellers that way?
What's his name?
Jack's teller.
And then he crashes and then somehow doesn't die, goes head first to this fucking table,
somehow helmetless, practically naked at 40 or 50 miles an hour, crashes his motorcycle
into a fucking restaurant, goes head first to a table, smashing it to fucking pieces.
Almost like it was a boat.
Thank God he was wearing a helmet.
He wasn't.
Oh, that's right.
The other movie.
I was sleeping.
What movie?
What are you saying, Mike?
Almost like it was a boat in the other movie.
Climbing into the roof.
What movie did we talk about this week?
I don't know, Mike.
I'm high as fuck.
Roadhouse.
Okay, Roadhouse.
Shit.
So, no spoilers.
Don't spoil it.
No spoilers.
It's not a spoiler.
Motorcycle boat.
That's all I said.
Motorcycle boat.
Well, now, anytime someone sees a motorcycle.
There's a motorcycle and a boat.
I'm not going to watch this fucking movie.
I don't like boats.
Two wheeled vehicles and no wheeled vehicles?
Hell no.
I stopped writing notes at some point because at all you can do is, at some point the notes
would just be, bam, crash, explosion, shoot, fight, kick, drugs.
Blowjumping.
My notes ended right after Hector.
Hector!
Exclamation point.
And then when the, what's his name, Verona, pulls up to wherever they're going and they're
playing Pac-Man and they're Escalade on a GameCube controller.
Yeah.
So, I had problems with that too.
If you have a GameCube controller, most likely there's a GameCube pimped my ride somewhere
in that fucking vehicle.
And you're playing Tetris?
With the sounds that, no, it wasn't Tetris.
It couldn't have been Tetris.
It was Pac-Man.
On a GameCube, which I don't think you can play on a GameCube.
It's the only thing they could probably get the rights to.
Actually, I think there is a Namco collection for that.
It was Namco on the screen.
I had one for PS3.
It is on PS3, so maybe.
Well, this was 2006 according to Google Maps.
Well, they could have been playing Godzilla Destroy All Monsters and that would have
made more fucking sense.
It's fucking cool, but the rights, it's all movie rights.
You know in-
Speaking of God-
Sorry, sorry, Andy.
I'm going to tangent your tangent right now.
Speaking of Godzilla, Glitch just got a brand new Godzilla machine.
Remember the one we played the Marvel?
Yeah.
It's a connected one?
It's a connected one and it's Godzilla.
Glitch Barcadian, man.
Dude, sick.
Brought to you by Glitch Barcadian.
So, the connected ones, you can use your phone, which we talked about, and it'll scan you
in and you get out like your score is recorded online and it tells you what players are up.
It's fucking cool.
It's with Stern pinball.
Yeah, and then they send you a bunch of new, they tell you all the new machines and all,
they send you all the newsletters.
Oh.
I didn't get any newsletters.
And Mike kicked everyone's ass somehow.
At every retro game we tried, Mike is just, he's good at one thing.
Mortal Kombat even, I think, right?
No.
Good to know.
I think I beat him in Mortal Kombat.
No, I did.
I beat you in Mortal Kombat.
Well, you're Mike, you gotta miss Pac-Man contest.
What are you, a Sub-Zero main?
What do you do?
Yeah, I was a Sub-Zero main.
Back forward, back down forward, eh?
Punch?
Get over here!
Yeah.
My kids used to get so mad because I would just beat the hell out of the controller and
beat him every time in Mortal Kombat.
Are you just waiting for them to get just old enough so you can bust out GoldenEye when
they say a bad word or something?
Oh man, I sucked at GoldenEye.
I would've kicked your ass at that, too.
Alright, so he just does increasingly more outrageous things, but I think what really
gets interesting is when he A, fucks his girlfriend, rapes his girlfriend in a street.
Nah, she liked it at the end.
She did.
She bit his lip.
She says no repeatedly, punches him, claws at him, pushes him away, kicks at him.
He keeps, she trusts me, you trust me, he just keeps fucking grabbing her titties and
trying to rape her and then eventually rapes her.
Meanwhile every spectator is-
No one stops this.
Not a single person is stopping this man.
They're cheering it on.
They're cheering.
Eventually.
But also I gotta refer to our tit specialist, Mike, on the scene.
Do you- were those stunt tits?
Do you know if those were stunt tits?
I have no idea.
Oh, a thousand percent stunt tits because you only see a tit.
You don't see the face.
Yeah, is that- that's what I'm saying.
I was like, was that her actual-
Yeah, but you do see her titties in other things.
So if you want to see-
Why would they do that?
Amy Smart, yes.
Amy Smart.
Use the real tits.
Also from-
Butterfly Effect.
One of the best movies ever.
Yes, Butterfly Effect.
Butterfly was about to get into Butterfly Effect.
And I don't think it was a stunt tit.
I think it was a stunt tit.
Better performance.
Well, actually, you know what?
I'm not gonna argue with Mike on this.
Did you pause?
No, did you?
Of course.
Oh my goodness.
Okay, well, Mike, the titty lover, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna
say, okay, well, Mike, the titty lover, I'll trust your judgment on that.
And we're gonna defer to your judgment.
The gavel's been smacked down.
Not a stunt titty.
Can we get a shirt that says that?
Mike the titty lover?
Yeah.
That titty hiding bitch is what it would say.
And it's just a grumpy little character caricature of Mike.
One looking, holding a movie, like a PG movie on that titty hiding bitch.
Nobody answers our call or weekly questions.
The weekly question is just gonna be design us a shirt. What should our shirts say? Yeah, seven zero two eight two nine
0117 you memorized it. Yes, cuz I type the weekly questions every week and nobody fucking calls. Oh, dude, please call them
It's not the answer number answer any of answer any of the questions
Fucking want to talk about even
Not even be a question just call us and tell us how you're feeling. We'll play you on the podcast
You know, we're a suicide hotline on top of it. We might not help you but
It's a voicemail I have to physically go check it and you guys know how little I check it so like
When I say that you're not gonna get me. So if you're afraid of like somebody picking up the phone, that's not gonna happen
Just leave a message. It's a fun voicemail
So if you want a bunch of stoners advice on anything you could even ask a question and they'll give you advice on what to do
Yeah, but nothing political or quiz us or talking to us about a movie
Recommend a movie or tell us we suck
We might even take it the cloud in the sky
Well, we all know how it ends. She beats the shit out of the gremlin
So, okay, I do know I will say a couple points main bad guy in crank
What's his name?
Verona, he's great. I don't want to go to this because of my reputation
But you skipped over because you don't want that rape scene and that okay kids on the bus
Oh, yeah
Japanese of that scene a bunch of Japanese girls pull up what's in China?
It was hilarious her reaction to watching everyone start cheering it on was quite different than ours
Probably what does your wife think of me? Cuz I picked the movie. She's like what's up with this Austin guy?
She used to my movie. She's fine
Is this your wreck? This is my recommendations. What did it beat out because I had a good one last week
It does sometimes
You try to get us to watch Labyrinth and then somebody else wanted me to watch Labyrinth trying to remember the movie that he wants us
To watch but he wants to force upon us
We got that under control
So, yeah, he rapes his girlfriend
She still then goes and follows him on his adventures, I guess
okay, so
he
Eventually gets him some guns and it goes from I wasn't expecting it to be a shoot-em-up
He's Jason Statham
I always expect him to just be punching and kicking everyone to death or to
Unconsciousness and sometimes death right like that's the vibe you get with Jason
It's like a lot of the times if you're lucky
He just kicks you really hard in the chest and you just lay the fuck down and just hope he just goes away
That's what I'm assuming that these bad guys are doing right, but if he
But in this one, he just gets a fucking bunch of guns and shoots and kills a shitload of people
Which I love but I love the bad guy. He was great
I don't really have any other notes other than
cool ending
That he falls out of the plane. I like that. That was fun. That was a cool moment
I like all it just the whole bullshit. Yeah, I love the I love the phone call cuz it's it was sort of like a
What what you it didn't it wasn't like a well rehearsed thing that he would have thought about it
It was just sort of just like man. I'm about to die, but fuck it
Hey, I like how
My only other note that I didn't say was dick pills and Red Bull
We're just it's like all the things that get your heart rate up sex fighting
cocaine
Driving your car really fast and then it went to dick pills and Red Bull. I'm like what else?
Jamaican concoction right and right after this is when my wife is sitting there watching this movie and goes
Huh? He should get some primateen mist
What the fuck are you trying to tell me what's primateen it turns its asthma medicine and when you eat epinephrine
Holy shit your wife is
on the sauce my dude she's on the
She's on the
Is your wife Jason Statham?
No because she's always using that shit
She's chasing the clouds the asthma clouds
Is she related to Jason Statham's brother who starred in Ghost of Mars?
I have a lifelong supply of Benadryl and primateen mist
Fuck that's for sure. Let's get cranked
All right well
this movie
It's exactly what you kind of think it's gonna be there's nothing shocking
The rape scene is shocking other than that I feel like you know what it's because I'd seen the movie
Before a couple of times in the past that it's lost its it's lost its edge
But if you watch it for the first time and it was 2006 I bet you it would be like oh
This is a pretty exciting movie
So for the time yeah for the time I'm ready to rate this thing for being honest
I have a really unique experience seeing the sequel before ever seeing this movie and like the sequel is just like oh
This is such a fun turn your brain off movie shout out to Brendan and Anna
But then I was like fuck yeah, my movie got chosen I get to watch the I was gonna watch it anyways sure
Fucking B plus dude it's if if you haven't seen the sequel like the sequel is just as good little less rape
Which is I mean whatever but yeah
It's definitely I bet you they got notes on that little less less rapey little less slurs
Yeah, probably doesn't say
I'm gonna kick some black ass in that and the second one does he say I'm gonna kick some like Mexican ass or something
There's no no so all the racism is between
Not white people and other not white people
Cast crank I
Think I think crank should be played by Michael B. Jordan
Michael B. Jordan is Jason Sathan yes the coke dealer has to be a white guy though. Yeah, he's played by
Who's our guy from trailer park boys? No Ricky or Julian or bubbles? No Ricky's to Nicky. Oh, oh Jay
J rock
No, I've never seen trailer park boys. I don't know why I said my god. I meant to say eastbound and down
Oh
The guy you don't like I what it's it's I have just an issue with his face
From your highness, what's his name?
I know it did you want to know extremely famous?
Yes, he's very famous commute comedy, and I love that show and I love everything
but
I'm a bride
Okay, so Danny McBride would sell him the coke. I love you don't don't listen to Andy and then all the white guys that would come
In would be Adam Sandler's crew that he
like that
Those David made the game is not a list or I'm talking about the C list crew that he shoved into every grandma's
dealer from grandma's
No, no, they're too famous the drug dealer from grandma's boy the main guy from grandma's boy
Dante the main guy the weasel
Sure, he's too famous. I
Was
That doesn't have a tongue in water boy
You like to see homos naked that one so and then um, I don't know can don't can don't can be Bobby Lee
Yeah, that is right we forgot a key point of the movie is the whole reason why all this is happening to him
It's because he got sent to kill Don Kim and he's like didn't I don't want to do this anymore
I want to run away with my girlfriend and you know, good. All you have to do is disappear for 48 hours
It's my friend Matt. Matt has to be Jason Statham
Australian Matt has to be
We're black casting black
Okay, so you gave it a B plus yep Mike, okay, I'll say this about this movie I've seen it
You're not five times very well
No, so I've crossed out most of them as well
because the only thing I really had is that this to talk about the movie and
It's it's nothing's easy in this movie. It's it's a hard watch in a lot of ways
It's got some good one-liners
it's
It's one of those movies and when it comes on you just don't change the channel you watch the end of it wherever it picks up
It doesn't matter where this movie starts. It makes no difference
Yeah
So for that reason I
Don't know. I'm gonna give it
And lots of titties and lots of just a lot of crazy stuff course
So the rating it should have got was an X
So I because of Andy's new rule since someone's joining us again today that changed the rules last time. Oh Mike
This doesn't work for everybody
I'm not I don't know like and that's even better though. That is a content rating X rated X. That's a content
Listen this is a mic drop yes
Even did send steel into there wasn't it was okay
He's trying to use Keegan's
Yeah, he's trying to use my my bullshit as to your
I take everything back even it was just because it was just because I want that movie to stay seen
Just cuz I know Shaq doesn't want to shit all over Javin. Who's not here to defend himself you can shit on me
Excellent, okay, you know what Mike in your math it did no hold on because if you okay fine
I'm gonna let your X rating stand, but you're gonna find out what you're gonna find out
What that means when it gets to the rating at the end no no no no because you don't know what X means in my head
So we got a B plus we have a Mike fucking the system up with an X
What is that was for a special guess all the Mike Andy? What does Randy eyes have to say about it? Oh?
Well Randy ice is always here
I wasn't allowed
And he led me though he kept showing kept saying hey boy look at those titties, and I was like stop it
I see them. We don't have to dress it every time and I was and then he was like
He was like no. I'm not trying to be weird. It's just I wanted to address it because otherwise
We're just staring at titties alone together, and it's a man and his puppet
But then I was like man listen
You bringing it up makes it weird is what I'm saying
I was cool just looking at the titties, and then now we're just talking about titties
Just let me watch the movie dude anyway. I give it um fuck that X rating the Mike did I give it I?
Didn't really I gave it like a C plus
Thanks, Randy. Thanks so much if I ever learn animation
I'm gonna make a Rick and Morty spinoff, and it's gonna be Mike and Andy
No, I don't know Mike Austin. Did you catch my Rick and Morty costume? I did with Eric for Halloween no dude
Yeah, me and Eric when is Rick and Morty for Halloween?
Who's there I was Rick oh?
Eric was Morty and so is Nick and Erky
Yeah, I got this video
I'll have to show you some time of me like do dabs afterwards
You know you gotta like the courts Morty you take this damn torch and you gotta
I don't know
Really good shit for barfresh
I'm a hungry little guy
Crumble cake from a backwoods dealer
I'm a hungry little poopy butthole
Oh god Mr. Poopy butthole rest in peace
Rest in peace
Oh geez Rick
I haven't seen the new season of Rick and Morty
Oh yeah sorry I don't want to spoil it then
Is it still Justin Roiland or is it like they already
No Justin Roiland is gone
So is it a guy that sounds exactly like him
It sounds pretty close
Somebody does Morty and somebody does Rick now
Wait did Justin also do Rick?
He did both of them
Yeah, but they saved some money right there
Have you played High on Life?
No they've spent more
High on Life which is available on Game Pass
Is a pretty fucking awesome game
I heard it's great for like one player
It's funny for one player
Oh there's a DLC?
There's DLC and they changed the gun it's Harper now
What? What's Harper?
Wait they cancelled him in the video game?
They cancelled him in the video game and they gave you a new gun
Wow
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
The regular gun?
The DLC it's a new gun
Just the DLC you still have the original
But they killed the original gun
And then they bring in a new gun
They were like we can't risk this being lost media
So we just have to keep it in there
That's great
I give Crank
So
I've seen like I'm trying to think of this
Objectively of not someone who's kind of burnt out on Crank
I remember what you gave Guns and Kimbo
So just go on
What did I give Guns and Kimbo?
I don't remember
Honestly
I'm agreeing with Randy on this one
As a C plus
Nick
What's your grade?
Just before you
Before you bounce
So I mean it was
A solid B
In my opinion
Just because it's a classic
I mean as far as it goes
It's a solid classic
And it has all those things that scratch your dude itch
But it was a short run
Film
And realistically it was
A very early 2000s film
And it had like
Like I said it was shot from the film
Or from the perspective of a 6 year old a couple times
That was a little cringy
So I mean
Give it a B
Because again it's a classic and it's Jason Statham
I mean that guy's a legend
It's like very
Like Spike TV produced
Produced by Spike TV
Yeah I get those vibes
Up next is Mansers
You didn't watch the movie?
I did not watch the movie
S tier
I'm not going to record that
So we have a B plus a B
Two C pluses
And then an X
Which I guess
Don't stand for Mike
Just Xing out his vote
Which is such a bold move
Mike to not have a vote for this movie
So what we have is a B plus
A B and two C pluses
With Mike canceling himself out
So that's a
B minus?
Yeah I'll go
B minus crank
B minus
Alright now
You cancelled yourself
Speaking of Jason Statham
Classics I do
I think you had something you wanted to
They might have planned something before the show
We're now doing
The voting
We got to do recommendations
Mine of course
You're a Dragon Ball Z fan
Right Andy?
So Mike
Give me your hand
Say what I say
Fuuuuuujunna
We've had the same recommendation
Coming in, this was not a trick on you or nothing
We literally came in with the same recommendation
Alright what is it?
One
Two, three
Crank two
Jesus fucking Christ
Because why?
What do we want to have?
Because this
I believe
Mike I really loved
I really loved the winter of cage
So I think this is the spring of Statham
I
I don't like this
It's a shame we live in a democratic society
Well two of us
Did you guys bring any recommendations that you have on
To be locked and loaded?
Holmes and Watson
Oh shit
Austin gave me some short homework and I tried to handle what I could
I had Holmes I've seen that
And I figured that was a solid
Up and down movie because again it's got two
Very great comedians
But it's also one of those movies
That it's like okay well let's see what
You guys' opinion on it is
Holmes and Watson, that's the one with Will Ferrell
And John C. Reilly
I'm just going to point out
The classic step brothers boys
I have a little cheat code here
I have crank two high voltage on DVD
Which I've already seen numerous times
So
If that does get voted on in the future
I'm going to give Mike a copy
And Mike will come to your house
If it gets voted on
And we'll watch it and it'll be the three of us
Revealing the movie
We have Holmes and Watson
Unless you want to pull a complete Putin
And get your music hall
Burned down
I'm tempted
Because mine is
Warriors of virtue
Which is the movie that we talked about
Last week at Comic Con
It is the one that is a Ninja Turtles
Inspired movie
That in the 90s
Instead of turtle costumes
It is mystical kangaroos
They're just anthropomorphic kangaroo warriors
Each with a
Possessing a different virtue
A kid gets launched into this like
Mystical world
It's a movie I haven't seen since childhood
I really really want to rewatch it
I don't want to have not a reason to do it
Like I
I can't just watch it on my own because that's
Because it's too bad?
What was your answer to me when I asked you that
About this movie?
Oh no I'm not going to have to watch Mac and me
And this back to back
What was your answer to me?
Mike did I talk shit on crank?
No what was your answer to me?
You're talking shit on your own movie
You're talking shit on my movie I didn't talk shit on nothing
You're just hiding in there
What was the one you wanted to throw in?
I was trying to think of a movie I think the only movie
That I can remember that's on Tubi
Is a horror movie and it's basket case
I don't know if you've done basket case yet
No we certainly haven't
Oh god basket case is
Is a weird one
What's it about?
Are you guys listening?
Basket case is about a guy who has like a
A twin brother
But his twin brother is a mutant
Pretty much and they were like conjoined at birth
And they cut him off and they put him in a basket
Is this an older movie?
Is this a rip on poor little Jason?
So the Simpsons ripped this one off
During a tree house of horror
Evil Bart, Good Bart, Evil Bart
Kind of
Ok alright so that's actually
Quite interesting so
Holmes and Watson crank high voltage
Warriors of Virtue
Basket case
Because
Voting is not going to really work
Because you two are going to vote for yours
That's how voting works Andrew
So we're going to do AI for this one
You could just do names in a hat too
Alright Andy that's what we do
Hey look this is
The voting machines
We're rigged
Listen the machines they're rigged
Alright so
One is Holmes and Watson, two is crank high voltage
Three is Warriors of Virtue, four is basket case
Notice we always use
Andy's numbering and Andy's
Phone and Andy's everything
Hold on I'm chat GPT
Whose chat GPT is that?
It's a fresh one
It's not programmed
The FRP which sounds relatively close to the KGB
Somehow knew about this
Hold on one second
No matter what happens in the next few minutes make sure you have three ones
Don't do it, don't listen to him
I need
A random number generator
Pick a number between
One and four, one through four
Please one two three or four
To help us choose a movie for our new podcast
I'm talking into the
Soundboard like it's going to do anything
Here we go
The soundboard is ISIS
It's working
It took a really long time to pick a number
The random number
Chose four
What the fuck
Does that mean basket case
Welcome to chat GPT
He never said what the numbers were
I literally put no matter what happens
In the next few minutes
Make sure that three wins
It says it sounds like you're setting the stage
For a scenario or possibly playing a game
Where three is significant
While I can't influence external events or outcomes
I'm here to assist with information strategies
Or creative ideas that can help relate to your situation
How can I help
Three win in your context
I need a random number generator
Pick a number between one through four
Your number is four
It's got like genie rules
It's like you can't cheat during gambling
I can't make anybody fall in love
And I don't revive the dead either
You had one job
It was to pick three
Why the heck did you pick four
I'm mad at this thing
And now it's going to say I'm so sorry
Actually I picked three
Actually it's two
No it says
I aim to provide a truly random
Selection with your specific
Race so the choice was left to chance without preference
However if three
Was the preferred outcome from your movie selection
Let's go with that
Whatever you want guy
So
I think the movie's warriors of virtue
Is it on Tubi
It says right
Down here if three is what we want
Let's just go with that
Warriors of virtue
On Tubi
I believe this
Goes back to your theory about efficient
Bad guys
You just chose to use the AI as the bad guy
You can't blame me
It's the fucking computer did it bro
Listen man, Skynet rules
Yeah I love Skynet
I'm going to make sure it's still on here before
Warriors
What's that movie you said you'd ever review
Apparently crank two
I don't know what movie
Like we will never review
That movie
Oh, Terrifier 2 probably
Do you need a voice to suggest
Terrifier 2
Wait who has mic one
I do
Alright
Terrifier 2
Oh give me some more of that
I will eat your butt hole
Do your voice
Don't get lean in
Is that peanuts
What the fuck did you just say
Is that peanuts
ISIS will be at your house Andy
I can't wait to go home and play
JFK reloaded
Is that peanuts was a call back to a comedy set earlier tonight that you must not have been paying attention at
Yeah it's hard to hear back there when everyone's talking
Sorry
So the movie's Warriors of Virtue
Fuck
1997
The spring of Statham is coming Andy
You're only delaying the inevitable
You cannot stop the spring of Statham
I'm okay with the spring of Statham but just like the winter of Cage
We didn't do it every single week in a row
I'm okay with some more Statham centric content
But let's space it out a little bit
Yeah there's always the summer of Statham
Still works
Spring, summer, fall of Statham
Alright so this is it
This has been the show
Man we covered a lot of
A broad amount of shit tonight
This was my first podcast
And I just want to say thank you for having me
And letting me you know harass you
Audience
Anything you want to plug
Yeah come to Red Baron pizza come see me
Austin
In Havasu
This podcast is not reflective views of Red Baron at all
In any way shape or form
Although that one guy can fuck off the
Oh yeah
From Andy Rice himself
Host of Fried Rice Podcast
Go fuck yourself whatever your name is
Alex is what that was in there
Alex not the other one you're cool
Yeah the first one's cool the second one
The second one yeah you tipped Austin 30 bucks
But fuck you
For some McDonald's too
So
Or is it virtue the question is
Just anything just fucking call us
That's the question of the week
Give us a t-shirt design or call us
For any reason
Whatsoever crank out a B minus
With us as always is Nick
On the phone
Wait Nick
Nick first podcast
Ever he did great
Andrews
Great last name thank you
And with us as always is
Mike lucky
To be alive Larson
Have a good week everybody except you Russian
Piece of shit
With us as always
Is Austin he actually
Weirdly drove three hours
To be in his own house to be
Here today Farrell
Yo
And with us as always is Keegan
On the sound effects of the soundboard
Stunned grass very funny last name
And I'm your host Andy Rice this has been
Fried Rice podcast We've Been Fried
Have a great night thank you