I like my music two notes at a time.
And welcome to motherfucking Fried Rice Podcast in front of a live studio audience.
I'm your host Andy Rice. Everybody say with me, Let's Get Fried!
Without further ado, I'm going to bring out our guests. They're with us here every week. First and foremost, he's our most rare, our most rare guy.
He's like a big foot sighted. He comes onto whatever he sees. He only comes to the live one, I've noticed. The one that has the most exposure, I guess.
If you're a Star Trek fan, you'll like this next bit. It's Ryan Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn!
I'm so happy to be here! Up next, we have, he's a, I can't hear you. Up next, it's Michael. Now listen, here's the thing.
I've tried to kill this guy with so many different and creative ways. I've shot him out of an airlock recently. We were space trucking.
I've shot him in the stomach. I've stabbed him in the throat. I've done everything. His mom is sitting right there and I don't even care.
I've done all these things openly. This has nothing to do with anything, but I did get him a nice piece of cake for him.
Just for him. It's Michael. He's really lucky to be alive. Larson.
It's your birthday! It's for you, buddy. It's your birthday. It's yours. Just take a bite.
Oh, God. You should slow down just right there to say goodbye to murderers. Just take a bite.
This isn't real. Wait, wait. Just one bite.
No, it's not a trick. What are you doing? Where are you going? You killed me.
You fucking threw it away? You can't kill me! Why is he looking? I was... You cannot kill me!
I was kidding. It wasn't pleasure. You couldn't have enjoyed a slice of cake, you bitch.
You fucking hippie little bitch. All right, wait a minute. It's Michael Larson. Hey, everybody.
What this is always is the producer of the show initially. And now he just kind of pops in whenever the fuck he decides to work.
Cowboy Mac Publick. It's Zachary. Let's all give him a big amen. Amen, brother!
With me as always is Brendan.
Simply Out The Busters!
Fuck, dude. You got the most hype intro of any.
And then the music. That's everybody. Oh, no. No, shit. I'm so sorry.
And the most important person here tonight.
This guy's going to be my floating host. Whatever that means. He's going to be our man of the spot.
He's going to take you to the undisclosed location for the bell ringing challenge. He's our guy. He's my right hand man.
I couldn't be here without him. It's homeless head Siri. No one's gonna. No one's gonna. Just used that joke earlier.
It's Austin. He drove three and a half hours to be here today.
Feral!
Yo, check me out on MapQuest.
And then that's the music.
You want to cut it?
Sorry. That was. You are so demanding. I am.
Welcome to my podcast. I have a stage now. I had people build me a stage.
This is pretty great. You know, are you? Oh, fuck.
Music intro! Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
Yeah, just restart it so you can get your shit intro.
You forgot him. You fucking forgot him. We couldn't be here without the most important person on the podcast.
It's Jesse Lee. I don't want to hear it.
Do your fucking show.
Lee Hart. So give it up for Jesse. He's our sound guy.
There's a lot of people I should be thanking. Let's just give it up real quick.
This is their spot. This is just real quick. They had made a home for Mojave Comedy.
Are you cutting me off? Okay.
They made a home for not only Mojave Comedy, now, the Pride Rides podcast.
We're doing our first real big boy in person live event.
You know, not in a comic con. No shade to that one. That was fun.
But this is like, you know, we get the fucking smoke.
That's three!
Yeah! Awesome.
And then also, just I'm giving it up to you guys for actually coming up.
My family over here, my mom, my sister came out, my best friends from childhood came out.
They drove all the way from California to be here. Boo! California!
So anyway, I hope we have a fun show tonight.
Fuck it. This is... We'll see what happens.
I have prizes. All of you are going to walk away with at least something.
I got fucking stickers, pins. I got all sorts of fun shit.
We got some really cool shit.
And then we also have, if you like our beans, let's just put this up front.
These are fucking awesome. Yeah, please do.
My mom handmade these beanies for the Friday's party.
And what do you call them?
These are emotional support nuts.
Yeah!
I have two nuts left. Somebody bought them.
So that's five dollars. The two nuts. Those are fifteen dollars each.
All the proceeds go to help children get to travel.
Travel expenses for children to get to hospitals.
So buy those. The beanies, those go to give my mom more yarn to make more fucking beanies.
I also have a beer token to whoever hands me my beer that is under this table right now.
Yes! Thank you.
What's your name?
True. You're a true angel.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Let's give it up one more time for Austin's mom. She is fucking awesome.
She's been doing all sorts of shit for us for this party.
Fun fact, Austin is single.
So you can go over there and watch him stare at his mom as she puts these things together.
That's where I was going.
Something just splashed me. Explain yourselves.
That was my piss.
Oh, god damn. I was like, my face is wet now. What the fuck happened?
Okay. Oh wait, we have a schedule. Thank fucking god. Mike decided. Mike over here is like, oh yeah, where is our sponsor?
Hold on, dude.
Where the fuck?
He went off into the night.
If you're not familiar with bell ringers, let's get into it.
Bell ringers!
Bell ringers is an attachment for your hookah or bomb that takes a standard bomb and turns it into three pieces that you can put a bunch of shit into.
I saw him earlier put a blunt, a joint, and a fucking dab rig into one and they just did all three.
And now we can't find him.
He wandered off into the dark.
He fucking bounce bounced?
Maybe he gave somebody a ride.
He left 30 grams in a fucking bell ringer channeling challenge.
Okay, so we're going to get into this. I'll introduce you later. It's on our schedule.
It's actually just great. Do you think he's outside of Circle K asking for a cigarette?
I think his mission is to find chocolate.
I'm so high. I could not do it.
And I don't have any regrets about that.
You know, one thing, inside joke, this guy is like if you took Lucky Burelli and put his brain into Vin Diesel's body.
For those of you not familiar, Lucky Burelli's a dumpster fire of a person.
He's got bamboo hair.
He's the only person I know that's been banned from performing here.
The place we're currently having a smoke session at in the back yard.
But of course, this is an undisclosed location because no one knows where we're at.
And I would never ever say the address or where we're at because that could get them in a lot of trouble.
So this is actually Andy's house. It's surprising how I fit all of you in here.
How many people did you have to pay to come?
Over the years? Over the years? Six or seven?
What did you say?
How many tickets did you buy? I was guessing you paid for them.
Who'd you fucking bribe, motherfucker?
I haven't seen any of these people and I've known you for five years.
Well, some of them are my family and friends.
Everyone's my friend. Actually, I didn't buy them.
You know, so it's funny.
Hey, Suzy, Suzy, Suzy, Suzy, Suzy.
The guy that runs the place is where on the fucking camera I do so.
Hey, easy with the sauce.
But it's not jokes, people.
For the casual observer, which is all of you, this is real fun, entertaining shit.
Let's get into this. The what are we smoking? This is what we're famous for.
I'm deciding.
Oh shit, oh shit, thank you.
We're not done yet, people.
How much of this are you going to shit the bed on?
It's written right there.
Probably the most important person on our podcast.
Could it be here without him?
I said there was going to be special guests. I wasn't lying.
If you are a fan of the podcast and you've been here from the very beginning,
there's a special person that's been missing for quite some time.
We left on pretty negative terms, I would say.
People thought maybe this man would never come back.
Why? Probably because he was going to fucking die of old-ass age.
You're going to see this guy, like, dirt cold and it said it was nice learning from you.
Because you're way older than him.
I've had to pay for this.
Yeah, thank you.
This motherfucker was here from the beginning.
He might not make it through the podcast because he's old as fucking shit.
It's Robert Bobby Polarski.
You thought you'd never see him again.
You hoped you'd never see him again.
You might not.
I've got a question for Bob.
I'm back, baby.
You guys have to share mics.
I just keep getting hit in the head.
I've got a question for Bob.
Ask your question for Bob.
Bob, you moved here in the Philly World Series.
How does it feel to give them bad luck?
Baby said, is this mic working?
I think so. Is it working?
Yes.
I have to speak loudly into the mic.
You've got to speak loudly.
I've got to speak loudly into the mic.
Speak into the mic.
I did not leave on negative terms.
You did not leave on negative terms.
You disappeared in the middle of the night.
You left a note underneath my fucking door.
Because the Phillies lost, the Phillies lost, and then the Eagles lost.
So I didn't want to see shit of anybody.
But now I am back and I don't give a shit.
You think me, Andy Rice, noted sports fan, was going to fucking give you shit
over whatever the fuck teams you just named in whatever sport we're talking about?
No, I don't give a fuck, Bob.
I would have let you live your old ass life collecting dust and whatever it is you do over there.
You would never let me live my own life.
You look like you have hollow bones, motherfucker.
And I don't know what the fuck you use.
You really put on some weight.
Yeah, I did.
But I did put on some weight.
It was due to depression from you leaving, you old sack of shit.
Hey, what sports were those, Andy?
I don't know.
Take two guesses. You've got like five.
Look, Eagles, it sounds like you've got to be able to fly.
So you're thinking MLS.
I'm thinking MLS.
Look, we're not doing this.
No one signed up for sports trivia.
Since you fucked up the intro so bad, I can no longer tell our round.
We're right here. We're in the what are we smoking?
Remember I said that 10 minutes ago and did nothing with it?
Yeah, then you introduced Bob.
That should have been number one.
It was up here. Yeah, I fucked everything up.
What are we smoking?
We're smoking a bunch of shit here.
I have a baby cheater that I'm going to light right now.
I think we're at the wrong caveman.
I don't know what they're smoking.
But I did.
So what is that called over here?
Ask the giggling lady what that spinning contraption's called.
No, we were talking about these are VFDC.
Well, hey, hey, wait real quick.
Let's just back up.
I need one clear answer, not a drunken garbled mess of whatever happened.
It's called dedicated.
No, I'm asking about that fucking bong thing that I did.
You got me.
It's a stun gun.
Thank you. It was great.
You're welcome.
I felt like I was getting angsty.
I turned the vibe real quick.
I don't want to do that.
Because you brought me presents.
So, okay, don't worry about it.
Are you ready?
Yeah, okay, yeah.
So what are we smoking?
We're going to smoke a bunch of shit.
So let's just, there we go.
You want to take your present.
Number four.
That's two, three.
He's got to open a present.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
He's got to open a present.
Andy opens some presents and discusses them.
We had to spit it into time.
This is the kitty table.
There's so many more presents than even in my life.
Look how excited everyone fucking looks.
I'm just jittery.
No, some people are excited.
Some people say, oh, I hope you enjoy your present.
I think there's some people that genuinely went out of their way to give us something good.
And I think there's three dildos.
I'm a liar motherfucker.
I feel like I'm a prisoner of Pee-wee's Playhouse.
And Pee-wee's going to fucking watch him open all these fucking presents.
I don't even like doing this for my kid at Christmas.
And you're asking me to do it for you?
Your own family looks sad about having to watch you open presents.
Do I have to sing the open a present song?
God, I hope not.
I don't know.
It sounds like you would probably have one growing up.
You're exactly on time.
This is the perfect time to get in for whatever it's called.
That's where you hang out with them and that.
Right?
Andy, if it stays this loud, the cops are going to shut it down.
What do you mean, we have to?
We have a noise ordinance after 11.
It's past 11.
It's past 11, man.
It's just now 11 o'clock in the dot, Ruby.
You made the perfect note for my mom to get out of here.
Hell, man.
You can get the cops.
The cops are going to show up.
Baby's mom's got a little pee.
You should get her a cop.
You're like, no.
Good night, mom.
Good night.
Drive safe.
Text me when you get to the hotel.
I got wars.
I got to go.
Michael, Amanda, I love you guys.
Sorry, Andy.
You got to go.
I have two sisters in my favorite.
It's a real shame to miss all this great content.
Is this not recorded?
It's not recorded.
They're getting it.
They're missing it.
They're not coming out of here anymore?
You are.
We have to bring it down a little bit.
You're fine.
Can you guys hear me?
Yes.
Absolutely.
Is this better?
Yes.
I'm so sorry, John.
It's OK.
You're a national treasure.
You're a humanitarian leader.
I don't want to be your dirty.
It's a good thing you're not hitting him exactly at this location.
You want to go?
Yes.
It's smart.
I'm going to use your presence because I think I fucked that up.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
So this is where you guys get to talk.
Oh, goody.
Oh, my god.
I can't wait for this.
Oh, he's going to do the bindings at the top.
Oh, he's doing the bindings at the top.
He's having a hard time.
This one's really hard.
You want to do this one?
Just fucking rip it.
Just bite it.
I'm so sorry.
So guys, this is funny that this is the very first present, but a few weeks ago, an episode
dropped where we were talking about, and I put a note saying I need to edit this out
so that this doesn't happen.
But I put that because we had some stupid thing about Barbies, and I was like, oh, and of
course I plugged the show right after talking about Barbies, so motherfuckers are going to
be Barbies, and I was like, I'm going to edit that shit out, and I didn't because I'm lazy.
So first present is Barbie in a little black dress, so let's see if she makes any friends
tonight.
Next present.
I don't need an upskirt.
You guys can get an upskirt.
Oh, jeez.
That'll go this way.
Oh, they're not west of here.
Hey, what's her name?
Oh, does she have a name?
I don't know.
She might.
That's what you decided.
I don't like it when we have names.
I get too attached.
You just dehumanize it, Barbie.
That's going to go towards the other Barbies you already own.
Whoever did that, I bet you're very handsome.
I swear to God!
I thought it should have fucking ended there.
We've never met, but I thought it would be like...
Is this from you?
You're welcome.
Oh, God.
Hey, Andy, it's another Barbie.
I don't think it's a Ken either.
I think is this...
That's a Ken.
Is that a Ken?
That's a Ken.
You need a matching set of fucking Samoyeds.
He wants the Ken down to keep it.
You can read it out.
Hey, you can read it out how like, learning hurts.
You're gonna need a one-new show.
Hey, look, it's another Barbie.
I can learn how to flirt.
With Mermaid Barbie.
Hey, maybe you'll realize that they're fucking with you.
Barbie Dreamtopia.
Hey, Andy, you know these are all gifts, so you can't throw them away.
No, I can't.
I wasn't in on the joke.
No.
I legitimately got you cookies.
Oh, no.
My cheese.
You know what I mean?
My cheese?
Did you really?
Yeah, I did.
There is a seal.
There is?
I'm so surprised.
Because we thought it was just a rewrap with a box.
No, I'm...
Yeah.
Are these real Trouble cookies?
Yes.
Oh, fuck.
Fucking right.
What a guy.
Barbie's gonna have chocolate all over her mouth.
What's in there, Andy?
Is that cookies or was I... or were you right?
It's definitely not cookies.
I don't want to.
I don't want to put this up in the truck.
I got it.
Let's see it, buddy.
No chocolate on her mouth?
It was a rewrap.
Are you all right?
This is the worst thing I've ever seen.
This one's really a rewrap, Andy.
That's all it does, but it is.
You know what?
I guarantee this one doesn't have a Barbie.
It don't.
So, my bad.
That's genuine.
Let's see, he's opening up a box.
Be careful.
Ooh.
That's awesome.
Wow, a real gift.
I can't see.
My bad.
I wasn't in on the joke, bro.
You're a fucking asshole for not getting the box.
No, and there's more.
Hey, there's more.
Don't throw it.
No, no, no, but just...
Keep throwing.
Can someone... okay.
Can someone please describe this fucking beautiful...
You motherfucker don't even know.
No, no, I'm saying...
I'm my bad.
I'm going back in the bed.
I'm having so much fun.
I'm going to do it.
If you're into anime, this is driving ball seats.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's Vegeta, I believe...
I don't know.
That's a dirty word.
Actually, I believe that's the same thing.
It's Bajin Vegeta.
Bajin Vegeta and Silver Hair Gouken.
It's a bomb.
But there's a bunch of mushrooms on it.
It's a fucking bomb.
There's a bunch of mushrooms on there.
Dude, that's beautiful.
That is beautiful.
It almost makes me...
Hey, there's more.
There's more.
He's going.
Kame Kame, hi.
And then we go to some...
There's some carbs.
Fuck yeah.
That's my...
Keep going.
Careful, there's a big manger in there too.
Be careful of this other shit too.
Oh my God.
Keep going.
There's other shit.
It's in the bottom in there.
Holy shit.
Kame Kame.
You know how I met this guy?
I delivered pizza to him and he gave me weed as a tip.
And it struck such a quiver in me that...
Adra is famous for life.
When I went to...
When I did a stand up show and I was like, someone fucking tipped me in weed.
This guy's like, that was me.
We've been friends ever since.
And I love this guy.
It's Papa Mike.
He's been on the show.
And you justGülme bowman and my wife and I put together really big 같이 messi mens.
Andh.
And we...
God.
You just exited my family.
euros
It feels like you've seen the TV show.
Is this gonna be good?
You remember our friend from the
Middle's World, I think.
Right?
And our...
I think New performo.
That's watercolor.
There's a color for watercolor.
You just set your own birthday party up.
I was actually thinking about this.
Hold on man.
Biggest scam of all time.
I guess this whole time I've just been calling the suicide hotline for my attention.
I guess I'll start throwing a birthday party for myself.
So here's the thing.
We all live in a fucking simulation.
You know, God's not real. Your religion sucks. Doesn't matter.
But here's the thing.
In simulation, all you have to do is learn how to fucking write the code.
And this is how you do it. You make a Facebook event page.
And you tell everybody it's your birthday.
Which it is.
And then you tell them it's one wrapped gift per...
And then you should edit out the Barbie shit.
And then you'll have a birthday party.
And then just, you know, sit here and be the birthday guy.
So I think that this is wonderful.
Another gift please. One more.
Oh, the rest are bad.
Oh God.
I can't trust this bag.
Open it up. Open it right now.
So you never said you want...I like Barbies.
Oh, it's a Barbie.
This is a fucking Barbie knockoff.
Everybody knows it.
It's a Barbie box.
Is that the real Barbie up there?
In the box, I could put them on display.
I put this on display, I'm on a list.
I put this on display, I'm a weird daughter.
I think you're still on a list if you're not in the box or not.
I'm so sorry. He's being very ungrateful right now.
But being in the box is worse.
Holy shit.
Nerdy.
Oh, what's funny is...
A male Barbie.
I didn't realize there was a Barbie.
So from my perspective, I'm like, oh look, it's Darth Vader.
Did you get that, Ryan?
It's a...does it talk? You have to touch it.
You have to touch him where?
Please describe where you're touching the...
Yeah, it's fucking anywhere.
No word.
Welcome to Andy Doesn't Understand Micropods and I Can't Pick Up That Rage.
We're all real quiet.
Go ahead, do it again.
Stop that.
He's still touching it.
He's getting it all right.
Okay, you lost it.
Whoever got me this, if you've ever been inside my room, it feels like you have.
There's a lot of fucking nerdy Star Wars shit on my wall.
Okay, shut up Darth Vader.
We're having a little thank you.
I'm sorry.
So we have to watch you open all 30 tickets.
Yeah, all of them.
But we'll move on to another section.
Theresa, you might...
Jesus Christ, the bell ringer behind that is nice.
Good call, good call, guys.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we're going to be doing...
You did it already.
Okay, shut the fuck up.
Hold on, dude.
Not you, I'm talking to Austin.
Somebody just stuck their finger up my ass.
What are you talking about?
Don't tell me to shut up.
What bathroom is that?
I'm going to put it on one.
Just, I guess, walk as sideways as you can.
Put your fingers inside your butt.
Credit card.
She calls it a credit card.
She thinks it's a cute way to sexually assault people.
Bell ringer.
I guess now you do insert a credit card, so it works.
It is.
Well, yeah, now it's inserting.
You're doing sliding.
You should just shove your fingers in.
That's not too broke.
That's right.
No, fucking no more roomy presents.
You need to talk about bell ringers.
So we're doing...
First off, by the way, we're always high, so sometimes it doesn't go smooth.
Oh, they can't tell, Mike.
This is all right, we're off the fucking rails.
I'm so sorry.
So we are going to have a bell ringer contest.
And the challenge is really for some motherfuckers who think that they can smoke some motherfucking weed.
So is there anybody in the house tonight that thinks that they can take on...
I mean, it's 30 grams of weed.
Teresa?
So that's it.
It's three?
Oh, there's two.
There's two.
Teresa's definitely in the room.
We got one.
We talked to Teresa, we talked to her.
We got two.
We got two?
Are you for real?
Yeah.
You gotta be in there.
No, no, I'm not.
I guess I could wait.
Hold every hand signal I'm giving off.
I'm not down.
I have to be up here.
I'll take the mic.
You guys are sitting in the microphone.
It doesn't go that far.
But we're going to zoom it.
So this is Austin's going to take three people out there.
And you guys are going to smoke.
If there's three people, ball's in.
We got two.
And we're going to zoom call it for the audio and everything.
How long did the last one take?
I heard an hour and 12 minutes.
That's what he said.
The practice goes until you tap out.
If you tap out, you tap out.
You said it took them an hour and 12 minutes.
Bullshit.
You guys can achieve that in about 10 minutes.
Right.
Hold on.
That southern broad over there can do this by herself.
I know that for a fact.
She has a problem.
Yeah, let's get you two involved.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
We need four.
Only four people can fit in our undisclosed location.
It's behind closed doors?
It's behind four closed doors.
It's nice, man.
It's in his weird room.
Yeah, because we're in my room.
This room is General Heels.
It's bad.
Can it move?
We got you two and we got Bobby.
So let's get your names.
Kentucky?
Yes.
Eric?
Why are you giving out names, bro?
Okay, fine.
Kentucky, Pennsylvania, and Oakland.
Yes.
Oakland.
Call me that 13 or 14 more times, I'm out of here.
Because he's really old, man.
Be careful.
That's 12, Mike. Stop fucking it up for the rest of us.
All right, so, uh,
Brian, you ready?
Are you guys testing?
I'm testing the sound.
Okay.
Do you want the fucking weed?
And then while they're
while they're heading out there.
Austin, keep talking.
That looks like the statue of Liberty torch,
not the fucking stuff we're supposed to smoke.
It looks like
For the listeners at home,
what I have, well, what Ryan's holding in his hand right now
is a
god, a fucking enormous bell ringer
that has
in it three
ten gram bucks.
This is the size queen.
And it's
the same person who tried to smoke this.
And we're about to send three people
into an undisclosed location.
And they're about to fucking achieve this.
And the last one to leave the car
wins.
Oh, sorry.
The last one to leave the other one is
the one with the shitload of barbies.
The one with the shitload of barbies.
So, we're fucking weird
and snitch nugs.
Do we need to go?
Do we need to hear them?
I want to hear the coffee. I want the coffee.
We just want them in the background.
Okay, great. So, awesome. You three.
Let's follow Austin. Let's give it up for our
three challengers.
I didn't agree to be in the camera though.
Austin doesn't smoke. He's about to get had.
I didn't know
I was being filmed though.
That's what's good about a podcast.
This will be deleted.
Can I hold the camera?
Yeah, yeah.
That's awesome.
You're driving, yeah?
We're not recording.
It's supposed to be recording video, not video, guys.
We're not
recording.
Audio, not video.
You guys good?
You can't hear him anyway.
Does anybody want the fucking weed?
I know. Everybody's taking
out the weed.
Everybody.
They left the weed. They scared the fuck out of us.
They're so afraid.
Did you also
add up all the guys?
No, I didn't.
We're cutting.
How are you guys doing over there?
Listen, it's a fucking
live podcast.
You know,
technical difficulties.
We're smoking a lot of fucking weed.
They ran away?
We got one guy in the car.
We're right there.
Yeah, yeah.
We're going to hotbox the car.
You can do this every morning on the way to work.
You got this.
If you do it, it comes natural.
You can fucking film me every day.
This is a...
Let's give it up for the Valorant Challenge.
We already know who's going to win.
That's Kentucky already.
She's going to win.
I got three felonies right here
that Kentucky takes the WI.
That's fucked up.
You can plug your shit.
Don't plug your shit.
Plug your shit, Ryan.
What else is on the
itinerary that was
written up very beautifully by my friend?
I don't know.
I can't read it.
I'm almost dead.
I'm almost dead, my friend.
This next part
sounds like a sex scene.
The first one is lit.
First one is lit.
Second one is lit.
Third one is lit.
We need a little more light.
We need audio.
Let's get him flushed.
It looks like a fucked up
night machine goggles set.
It's like an alien
spaceship.
They're all over this area.
Troubleshoot on screen.
Austin looks like he's
stuck in a brain building.
Austin doesn't
smoke.
You know you're going to get
contact high like a bullet.
They don't really look fucked.
Get it Eric.
Yeah.
I only see two.
Is this your mic rack?
Probably.
If I hear some porno I'm in.
I'm out there.
This is
real entertaining audio shit.
They're smoking.
Austin looks scared.
They're smoking it out at once.
That's what I said.
Is that the fucking Barbie
girl piece?
Yes it is.
So I'm boring my audience
so much they're fucking dancing the Barbie
girl piece.
My mom got me
my mom
for some reason.
My mom got me a Barbie.
Lamp lights.
Barbie lights.
Christmas story.
They're like little lights
in the bedroom.
Come on Barbie. Let's go party.
Those are fucking awesome Andy.
What's that?
Hey the dollar store
has some cool shit.
Hobby Lobby.
What's it clearance?
Why is Austin still in there?
He's going to be
fucking crazy.
He's going to start pretending he's driving.
He's going to be like
a dog.
What's that?
It's a beard.
This part
seems real sexual. We go on Skype
outside to Austin and contest it
and get his belt running.
How about we ring
the bell Andy.
I tried to do that every week with my wife.
That never goes over. He doesn't take 5 minutes either.
I get shut down in like 20 seconds man.
What do we smoke
I don't smoke weed but I feel like we just put a bunch of people in an airlock
and they're just like hang in there you're doing good
knowing that we're gonna hit the button and just launch them into fucking space
they're getting they got mad at me when I opened the door I have to go there's
no audio we can't hear them it's just like they're just like it's like seeing
someone in the airlock banging on the door you can't hear anything
yeah you see two of what was the challenge anyway we just got a bunch of
that's right yeah thank you
which is why it's so fun
it's on a schedule
I wasn't aware tonight
what was that toby lee jones movie where it opens up and the guy kills himself by sticking a bag in the gas pipe
That's what that looks like.
They're going to fucking die.
This is the opening.
There's Susie.
They're going to join them.
Susie.
You guys see her.
You see her.
So did you prepare for all of them not to leave?
Keep going. You're doing great.
You're only going to die a little bit.
We got to be shushing a little bit.
I need him to open a gift.
Oh yeah. Which one is it?
I'll open it up.
Can you guys hear her?
I made a really funny joke earlier to her.
Remember that thing I said earlier about seeing women hitting on me after the show?
I made everything in this.
Except for the things that were already dead.
That's right.
You didn't kill her.
She says I didn't kill her.
Except for the stuff that was already dead.
What the fuck is happening tonight?
Look at that.
Justin, you are so at home right now with this whole thing.
This is like your type of weird fucking house.
Justin, do you go to the audience convention?
Shit.
Do you go to the audience convention?
No, I need to.
I'm in my life right now.
Keep opening it. I'll find it.
This is special.
Oh my god.
What? Okay.
What happened to your body?
What the fuck happened?
We're having a video.
We're having a video, Andy.
Jesse, what are you doing over there, bro?
It says,
Get off the pornhub, bro.
That's a beauty.
Hey.
I'll go with you, but make sure you get the screen.
What happened?
Molcissor?
Molcissor fossils and handmade stuff from Kara.
We've never met before.
This is such a thoughtful fucking cool ass thing.
Thank you so much.
I think she might be hitting on you.
But he would.
She's mad.
Andy.
I said fives and sixes.
That's a really comfort zone.
She's interacting with you guys.
I'm a sod four.
This is like Love on the Spectrum, but right in front of you.
This is fucking awesome.
Have that five or six.
I have a live update.
Don't move, guys. You're going to disturb them.
Hello, everyone.
I'm reporting to you live from an undisclosed blue Nissan Sentra in an undisclosed parking lot of an undisclosed building that we are standing outside of.
There's two unicorns running back and forth here.
Can you fuck off and just watch this interaction?
This is amazing.
I swear right now.
I didn't hear a word Austin just said.
You can't find it wrong.
I have an update.
Is he still alive?
He's not really okay now.
Now you don't know if it's a joke or it's not.
You know what?
The molussoid went down.
That's a real number.
That's a number.
That's not a zip code.
I learned this from watching Love on the Spectrum.
Say you like Legos.
I like turtles.
Don't lose this.
That's a very cool birthday gift.
This is the best gift.
That's called hope.
I love the fossils.
Hope for Andy.
This is the best gift.
Now it's your turn.
Buckle up for the weirdest text of your life.
This is where I lose it.
I start texting, hey.
Do you like fucking divas and putt?
Did you know it spawned off King of the Hill?
Did you know we also rubbed fucking office paper?
Are you really into fossils?
Is that something you're passionate about?
I do fossils in open.
We have a fossil over here.
I love open.
That could be the first date you guys look for fossils.
You know how to call a donkey?
All I know about the donkeys is that if I buy food from one of you at the top of the street, I'm going to have to buy food four more times by the time I get to the bottom.
Because none of the food from the guy at the top is supposed to give the donkeys.
Either it's the one below it or the one below that or the one below that.
But I love it.
Look, they're like halfway, dude.
Holy shit, they're still going.
No one's quit yet.
They haven't even started.
No one has quit?
No one's quit.
They're halfway through.
Well, I'm going to have to buy food from one of you at the top of the street.
Well, fuck.
There's more gifts.
Here.
I will, yes.
Absolutely.
Do not lose that number.
Should we get to, because we have two gift sections on this itinerary that's two fucking pages long.
For what should be an hour on the podcast.
It should be an hour.
Can we just end with Andy one down low?
You should end on that.
You won.
You actually won for one.
I really should give the rest of the gifts to charity because I feel like God just intervened.
I did.
Okay.
The rest of this is going to suck compared to that.
That was going to be clips.
Yeah.
We're going to do that mystery theater.
Oh yeah, let's do that.
We're going to do that.
How about we get an update on the people in the fucking...
Yeah, we'll do an update.
We'll do an update.
Which is what I came up here for and then just got fucking just berated by a fucking this guy.
Who only shows up like once every 60 episodes.
Come on!
Somebody go get him.
Yeah, I went out there about 10 minutes ago.
And three of them are doing okay.
And one of them said help me.
So I'm going to go check on them again while we do this next segment.
And then I'll have another report at the end of that segment.
I won't interrupt you again.
I'm sorry.
Johnnie is running across.
He doesn't smoke but he put himself in a dangerous way to fucking get up.
Is this a whole lot of us?
Yeah.
This is a straight up kidnap.
I have your podcast hostage.
You won't ever see him alive again.
Can we get that on a t-shirt?
I want that on a t-shirt.
That's the creepiest photo of us.
That's the thumbnail for the episode.
Oh, yeah.
So, Brendan, why don't you introduce,
so probably the,
well he's introducing what we're going to be doing.
So, Brendan,
you're going to be doing the
so probably the, well he's introducing what we're going to be smoking right here.
Oh, yeah.
Do we have any of what are we smoking music?
Oh, we have what are we smoking music live?
You tell me.
No.
We can't go back that far.
I have three music cues.
We got to get through this bad boy.
So, let's get it.
So, I brought a baby jeter cannon.
It's going to be a hybrid nebula.
So, it's a
pretty strong jeter.
I have my own microphone.
He's so fucked up.
He's got the other mic.
I'm just trying to take people's mics.
Hey, listen, I'm so happy.
Not just because of that
whole shit. Because that,
act of God, like I said, just stroke of like,
you know, whatever. But,
I'm just happy you all came out of here.
I feel real good.
Thank you.
What's our next thing?
The mystery image theater.
So, we're going to just talk shit about a movie
for like ten minutes. I think that'll be
something. Let's do it.
What's a weird date you guys can do?
Look for Rox in my oven for a second.
Excuse me.
For my sake,
just for the sake of anything, in case
it wasn't a sick joke on her part,
let's just stop berating the poor girl
and just let her enjoy
the show.
I'm already,
she's already
seen that planning isn't one of my strong
suits.
Like,
following a list isn't one of
my strong suits.
I know in the future that.
I hope she's not religious.
Because I definitely would have said something God
earlier in the book.
Fuck. Well, I don't know.
Fossils. Most people that believe in fossils
and are so religious.
They're not religious.
Alright.
Good job, Abbey.
One, two, three, one, two, three.
Right there.
Down. No, no, no, no.
Up, up, wait, stop, stop, stop!
Get out of there! No, what the fuck!
Hahaha!
You better go in your book.
Andy, did you just cover your screen?
Hahaha!
What was that saved one?
Hahaha!
Now that girl knows a lot
about you.
What was that? Oh, no, that's
you, Barbie? What was that?
I bet it was just a file that was named a
here.
They're trying to hear file.
Whatever you guys got.
I don't want you guys to see my fucking
bookmarks.
You've got it with Barbie's already labeled.
Right?
So many of this one, so many of that one.
You know Mark Bansy Barbie?
You've got another Barbie.
You guys are going to find out my Barbie
is that what you're saying? My Barbie?
You have a Google doc of all
your Barbie things.
He's got a room for a one hour
pose style.
I can already see Andy's birthday wishlist
next year is a podcast live
project.
What are we watching here?
You're playing the fucking movie
of the
American
three thousand from the year
one.
It looks like the 80s sometime.
Nine hundred years after the great
world
he created he destroyed
out of the darkness of
radioactivity
rubble emerged a new
world
and
the
world was
amazing.
I have to go return some video
right now.
Bye everybody.
Really?
Fuck you Ryan.
You're now in
control.
I am.
I'm driving the ship now.
Well
David Inglewold
Pumpernickel
So to be fair
I found this
today on
I have no
idea what the fuck this is about.
I'm sorry.
So far it's beating Swamp Man.
It's already been
man-fam.
I have to be
so I'm going to put it in the
book and get out.
Do you think this was a parody like
Monkey Python or do you think this was a
serious film?
I think this is a serious film.
Hey look, Bill Ringer.
That was product placement.
William Wallace is in here.
That's
the guy who
played that.
Yes.
I just want to see
I feel like we can stop watching
this once we understand what this movie is about.
I just want to know
it's about power.
It's about power.
Did you just say power?
Power.
In the corner.
You hit the
sun issue.
Yeah, where they at?
They're
in the car though?
Yeah.
They're in the undisclosed location.
Oh.
I hope I didn't pick
the sun issue.
It would be once you pick it up.
I feel like this is a
bowling alley.
It's not having the power.
Oh, god damn it. I got waxed.
Oh, shit.
Hold on. Pause the movie.
We got the belt
and the TV's right there.
Did you guys
finish it?
No, she looks like that girl in the picture.
Who tapped out?
Me first.
She had a pee.
Who's left?
Just Bobby?
It's Kentucky.
It's Kentucky and
Bobby.
Bobby and Edgar?
Keep it talking after
closing the bar.
They're all three in there.
So how do you feel, Susie?
I'm high as fuck.
Just tell
the audience how you feel.
Go into the mic.
She's like, I don't even know how to walk.
She's like walking.
High as fuck.
I'll say wait a minute.
She's not much for many words.
That's the day.
That's a light in the back.
They're no longer
responding.
They're
two left, right?
They probably think you're some sort of deity.
They're moving lots more.
Just doing an open book presentation for me.
I feel like I need to use
this press play a minute.
Oh, I just skipped all the way to the end.
Oh, shit.
She said how many rubies.
That must be the chicken from
Namor metal music.
I know, baby.
Oh, they're getting there.
They're getting there.
They're still
talking.
They're boomeranging.
Okay, they're
disc golfing.
Okay, yeah, so it's a bunch of
hot chicks
throwing frisbees at young boys
running around the corner.
Oh, that was Denver Brighton?
It's still the credits.
It's just jack of all the deal.
The balls.
You know, it's crazy.
I just gotta provide
another update.
I just gotta provide
another update about
the Ringer Challenge.
I just realized I sent them in there with
a 30 gram one, 330
chicken.
Chicken?
My car is fucked right now.
That's why you're the most important
person on the clock.
Andy O's
asking to vacuum out your car.
This is circleism of you.
This is shit.
I'm sorry, guys.
I'm gonna open presents while they
look at it.
Andy, you gotta raise your hand.
Hello.
How do I get a beanie?
I want your beanie.
Your beanie?
Hey, bro, you're flirting with me.
It's not me, my you. It's Flurrie.
How do we name your beanie?
She made it for me.
There's only one left.
Ha ha ha.
Bobby wins!
Woo!
Bobby wins!
This is Bobby.
He's still staying in the car.
He's like, get him out.
He's still in the car.
That's what I'm talking about.
He's still in the car.
I had to pee.
I was like, you know.
I think we're gonna let the audience decide.
Oh, he already came out.
He's in the car.
He's in the beanie.
We have people that want to buy a beanie.
His mom was selling the beanie and the little nut.
The nut guys.
Do you take me out?
I'm selling them, as I explained earlier, you fucking stoners.
I would like to buy a beanie, sir.
They're $25, but if you show me and Andy that you're subscribed to us on Instagram and Facebook, they're $20.
What's your Instagram?
Where are you right now?
That's the answer.
Pride Rise Podcast.
Pride Rise Podcast on Instagram and Facebook.
I don't...
We got three left.
I'm gonna see Andy.
Yeah, fuck.
Let's give away some prizes.
Beanie!
First off, we're not giving away beanie.
Where's Bobby?
Where is he?
He's got to get his prize.
Oh, he still has it.
I have prizes.
Let's see.
Over here.
Big guy in the cowboy hat.
Come on up. You're the first prize winner.
Win, win, win, win.
Alright, Chris.
What's your name?
Chris.
That's me, Chris.
Chris.
Fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah, fah.
Hey, Bob's still in his fucking belly.
Hey, hold it, Jack.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't hit this, too.
I didn't measure that there, Bob.
I couldn't take no more after I picked him up.
How's that feel, Bob?
His arm is lit, bro.
It's like a horse.
Hey, Bob's a big energy.
Yes, sir.
Andy, do you have a ride?
Give me the mic.
The mic.
Andy, I don't even smoke weed, but give me that shit.
No!
Andy, the prize.
What are you doing?
You don't even smoke.
I think the cowboy hat guy should get a hit, too.
I shouldn't have done that.
That's part of the prize.
That's part of the prize?
Oh, shit! Pure pressure wins!
Yeah!
Woo!
Oh!
I should go to the bathroom.
Where were you in the water?
I fucked that up.
Thank you so much. Here's your prize.
I bought it.
I went to Temu, and I spent way too much money.
And so all your prizes tonight are basically crap.
But this crap is a tiny little alien Lego toy from Aliens.
It's like a xenoblurph. It's sick.
All right, that's our first prize.
Second prize. Rachel, come on up.
Where's my Barbie?
Where's Austin?
Oh, my God.
He's stuck in the car.
There's Austin.
I'm not buying it. It's going for whoever.
Oh, announce it, then.
So we got one beanie of choice.
For who?
For a guest.
Here's your wrist of random two.
Could be anything.
It's a scroll of some sort.
Open it up and tell me what it is.
Who would you put up a beanie with?
Zach just bought a beanie for somebody, so he gets to choose who gets it.
I'm not choosing it.
Make it a game. Make it an AI game.
Make it an AI game.
That is really cool.
How about we get this?
That is fucking cool.
That's a Beetlejuice.
That's fucking cool.
I need the names of four.
I see four of you back here.
You can do...
You can...
Bride toss it.
We're doing a bride toss.
First off, let's vote on the one we're going to do.
True?
We're going to need to move that chair real quick.
We're going to throw it in this open area.
There are like three.
I want the one on your head.
The one on my head is for my head only.
Who wants that?
Get in this area real quick.
I'm going to give them one of these.
Get in this area right here.
This small space.
It's a small space.
It's like doing a Garter Band.
I like that.
Austin.
Cut.
I like this one too.
Guys, get over here.
In front of the heater.
Let's try not to knock over the heater.
There's four contestants here.
Just in case.
We want it away from the chair.
So we don't knock over the chair or any glass tables.
No, no, no.
We do that.
Who's the four?
We want it right here.
That direction.
If you want it in the four,
it's not going to go very far.
If I have a right spot,
I'm going to get in here.
It's right here.
You don't want to listen.
She's not fucked up enough.
She's the only one listening.
It's right here.
It's a beanie.
If you want it.
If you want the beanie.
One, two, three.
Oh.
Terrible call.
That's pretty good talk.
You're the most dangerous thing you've done in your life.
You got hit in the top block.
You hit the rafters.
Am I getting a bad throw?
You hit the rafters.
But I want to buy one.
You want to buy one?
That one.
Thank you so much.
I think that's what charity Austin said.
So, charity.
Like the Barbie's charity?
The Barbie Foundation?
Take a bud.
What do you want?
There's more prizes?
There's more presents?
There's the movies?
The movie you want to watch next?
No, the next one.
What about our other two contestants?
What about our other two?
Bobby, Bobby.
Come on up.
You won the Bell Ring Challenge.
Is this for you?
Yes.
Bobby, you won the big prize.
You won the Bell Ring Challenge.
Open this up.
Let's see it together.
And while he opens that up,
I'm going to open this one up.
Because I've already opened it up.
Our contestants are going to open it up.
Oh, yeah.
Look.
Get a good boy comic.
Suzy,
get the comic for you.
Get the good boy comic.
It's a lava lamp.
It's a lava lamp?
Oh, you're on, D.
Oh, look a beanie.
And a lava lamp.
Oh, yeah.
Who's winner, Bobby?
I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to have guns.
Oh.
It's a little...
I'm not allowed to have guns.
Oh, that's a pipe, I think.
Oh, give it back.
I'm allowed to have pipes.
You're allowed to smoke.
You're not allowed to have a gun as long as you don't have a pipe.
Thank you.
So we've got the pipe,
or a butt plug. I'll open it up.
Anything about Rockets and Pets.
I hear you can put some lead in that and smoke it.
Holy shit.
That's sick.
It's a hit.
It's a whole in grabbing
what I can only imagine.
My ball.
Well, just a white...
I'm going to just say white ball, right?
Thank you, whoever got me this.
Oh, wait, it had a name?
Oh, Tomas.
Tomas.
You got me this?
Tomas and I have been friends since 7th grade,
and he doesn't smoke weed.
I'm sorry.
You had to deal with him for that one.
Thanks, Tomas.
You smoke it.
I've been.
That's from Tomas, too.
I tried.
That shit scared me.
Hard to smoke it out.
We got another one.
I think we're done with this movie.
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't play it as it is.
What?
Is that a pipe?
So, I don't know...
I don't know what this...
I don't know what this is.
It's body butter.
Body butter collection.
Body butter!
It's for the Barbies.
I don't know what you're supposed to do.
You rub it on your body in the shower?
Oh, it's for shower time?
It is for shower time.
Living with an unusually small penis.
The book.
We're going to set these up
so everyone can know it's a penis.
And not that last thing one more time?
Oh, oh.
Living with...sorry.
Living with an unusually small penis.
The book.
You got that cut out, right?
No, I didn't.
How to tell her you're gay.
How to help her understand
and celebrate your new identity.
I would have no trouble
if we're being honest.
I'm not insane on these things.
If I invest the case...
And I have body butter, so
someone is crying at me
for a great time with someone else.
I don't know if I brought that Barbie.
We're just going to keep going.
What's next on our list?
We're losing everybody. Let's just get through this thing.
Hey, hey, I want one of your Barbies.
Can she have a Barbie?
I want one of your Barbies.
I'm going to my daughter.
Can she have a dress one?
Because he's proper.
You want a star dog taking part?
That's not a star dog.
My daughter needs a Barbie doll.
Thank you.
Alright.
Hey guys, the movie is still playing in the background.
And you know Chevy, don't even know him.
He lost interest about 10 seconds ago.
It's horrible. You're not missing any of it.
It's like a giant movie.
So can we get your rating on this movie with our rating?
Oh, this is a...
Is it a W?
This is a W.
It's a waste of time.
We're not even playing the game.
Why?
I'm surprised Top Hat survived.
Exactly.
I didn't survive the 1800s.
So somebody got me...
It's a baby doll.
And it's in custom packaging.
That says fried rice baby.
Fried rice baby.
And it's a baby with a blindfold.
It's all in custom.
At some point, who's the weirdo?
Is it the guy who made this shape?
Or is it the guy who's going to have to put it on display?
I don't know.
It's fucking Bob.
It's probably you.
We'll tell you where later.
Right.
Old baby.
Bob, at least you got one.
Baby son sitting on a bench.
Nice.
It's a wee podcast.
Somebody brought a toy.
Let's go.
No name on that one.
I appreciate it.
This one's for you.
Hi.
What's going on over there?
It's a live podcast.
I'm sorry.
Top Hat's not crying.
He's happy.
You guys want to hear the rest?
Fuck, he's got a fucking...
They just took the one.
It's better that way, bro.
Fuck that Valerie.
Actually, this is a perfect time.
I'm going to open up more gifts.
This is great.
You might need a little bit more attention.
Ladies, this next part is going to be important.
Before Bob left, he was writing...
Austin.
You're part of our team.
This next part is important.
Because Bob here, before he left, he used to do songs for us.
Or poems.
Or poems for us.
He's got something prepped.
I really want to hear it while I open up a couple of preps.
Bob, you want to use the mic?
I wrote this song as...
I wrote this song as a fine remembrance of our podcast.
We're ready to play.
Just a Bob could do a song.
I'm just giving it to Andrew.
We can't add a little vocal, bro.
Under Arizona's skies, where an Andy's getting high.
He yells at me every time that I smoke the bar.
Where's he going?
I wrote.
It was like a poker ball.
I took the lighter home that you couldn't find.
So when I'm off, I thought that I'd forget the world.
Every time you yell at me, Andy, it hurts.
When the sun goes down and the podcast ends, I never even heard a word you said.
Andy's always right.
Ryan's picking fights.
And Zach and Gary row a row and round the floor.
Now Jesse wants to know and Austin wants to know why Mike is still pissed off and Sleepwalk killed.
So when I'm all fucked up and I forget the words, every time you yell at me, Andy, it hurts.
When the sun goes down and the podcast ends, I never even heard a word you said.
I think that was negative towards me.