Hey man, have you ever heard of Fried Rice Podcast?
Fried Rice Podcast?
Yeah man, they're a podcast that reviews movies and a new one comes out every Saturday on
YouTube.
They're sponsored by Bellringers.
Bellringers?
Yeah, Bellringers.
It's an adapter for your bong or hookah.
And it holds three joints, three blunts, three bowls or three dabs.
Three dabs?
Yeah man, three dabs.
And check us out every Saturday on YouTube at Fried Rice Podcast, sponsored by Bellringers.
Now we are.
I don't mind, I like the tension building up for being honest.
Oh are we live right now?
Oh now we are.
I'm freaking out.
Oh here we go, in the mic, here we go.
I just made sure it was working.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, that feels good.
Yeah.
And welcome to the motherfucking Bellringers special of the motherfucking Fried Rice Podcast.
I'm your host Andy motherfucking Rice.
Let's get fried.
I'm scared.
I love this fucking music.
With me today.
Oh, fucking switched on me.
Right now I'm getting a different vibe.
With me today, as always, he drove three and a half fucking weeks, four weeks to get here.
It took him a month and a half to get here.
It's Austin.
He's our new social media manager, so stop sending dick pics, they're not for me.
Foul.
Check me out on MapleStory.
We have, I sent a snake full of venom over to his house.
It went into Michael's mailbox.
He opened it up and before it could strike, he grabbed it by the neck and he said, not today Andy.
Lucky to be alive, Larson.
Hey everybody.
We have two very special people with us here today, even though they're here every single week with us.
As always is Anthony, the leader of Mojave Comedy, our one and only, I don't know, he just opened for the guy that did Cash Cab.
What was his name?
Ben Bailey.
Yeah, this guy's big time motherfuckers, Mitchell.
What up, podcast.
Hey.
And of course we wouldn't be here without him because he's our sponsor.
He's our guy.
He's grabbing his titties right now and I fucking love it.
It is Jason, the bell ringer himself, Shaffer.
Hi guys, my name's actually Pace.
Okay.
Well, uh, oh, and then, and then just a shout out to Austin's motherfucking mom.
Oh.
Because she just made me the cutest fucking wee beanie.
I'm wearing it right now.
We have our video on Instagram.
Look for our shit on fried rice podcast.com.
We have a fucking number.
We'll call that shit.
Leave us voicemails.
Bell ringer motherfucker.
Austin's mom motherfucker.
All right.
That was the intro.
I got nothing else.
What's up guys?
Hey, what's going on?
What's happening?
Is this still live?
Yeah, we're still going.
Should I put my clothes on or do I leave them off?
Beautiful.
I figured so.
Sounds about right with you guys.
Man.
So we got three baby jeeters it looks like in that thing.
Yeah.
One of them is like crazy powerful.
Well, good.
Cause we're all about that.
Oh, okay.
We're not.
I thought this was fried rice podcast.
Not fucking weird podcast.
Yeah.
So I got to drive you home.
I don't care.
I'll drive us home, but I smoke weed in my sleep.
It's like breathing oxygen to me.
And of course Jason's kidding.
Cause here on fried rice podcast, everyone that comes over and does the podcast ends
up spending the night or taking an Uber.
Awesome.
Fuck yes.
I just didn't want to act like a fan.
I'm a stalker basically.
So swim fan I think is my favorite stalker.
Swing fans.
Swim fan.
Do you remember that one?
I don't watch TV or movies.
Well, that's a weird stance to take.
On a movie podcast.
Oh, I thought we were for gay fucking.
Okay.
My bad.
I thought I was here for the gang bang.
I should have been Jason problematic safer.
Jason going to get me fucking canceled.
How much does Andy suck on big sponsors titties and let him get away with murder?
Not that.
Cause I thought it was gang bang.
I didn't say the word you thought I said.
It was gang bang.
Got it.
Let's hope this podcast does not test your editing skills too much Andy.
No, no, I'll be fine.
I leave this shit as it is because you know what I've started to realize honestly when
it comes to this podcast, when it comes to fucking everything, not only if people give
a shit, I don't care.
No, if they give a shit means they're watching bro.
If I would rather be talked about.
Yeah.
Like Hans Kim got on the news because he made that Matthew Perry joke.
Right?
Like fuck.
Yeah.
Good for him.
So we are doing the gang bang and then we'll make that a real big podcast.
I'm just wondering because I, like I said, got my shirt off.
I'm the only one.
It's weird.
See, I don't like that.
They appropriated the word gang for gang bang.
I should have been called like a group pounding or something like something more gender neutral.
Homeless.
Or because gang is really a masculine.
There's like how many female gangs are there besides like in Greece, the pink ladies.
That's the only one I can think of.
Part of them.
Oh, the sharks or jets.
Well, I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't watch movies or.
That was a very direct reference to that dance fight from, what movie is that?
I don't know.
Sharks and jets and they meet off and they're snacking.
Is that it?
Oh my God.
I wasn't even alive at that time.
Good job.
Way to come in with the agent.
No, I mean, Moses was your best friend.
Fuck.
Oh, are we supposed to make those sounds too?
Because you're not even really laughing.
You're literally sitting straight up and just going.
So.
Buttons.
We have a bell ringer here with three baby cheaters in it.
And it is already.
We're six minutes in.
And I'm fucked up.
It's the warm up.
Please.
No, no, no.
Listen, I made your ice.
This is fried rice podcast.
I don't quit.
I'm so excited.
You don't quit.
I feel bad for Anthony and Austin who don't smoke because you're not getting fucked up.
You haven't said a fucking word since you've had all that smoke blown into your face.
I keep blowing it.
Yeah.
I'm like, oh.
Watch that Hawaiian when he gets.
You guys don't.
Oh, no, buddy.
You're going to live for a while.
What did you say about the lines?
I said he's going to have to watch that Hawaiian when he gets home.
He's like contemplating that right now.
Yeah.
You don't have enough to car.
Because I know is that this was a field sobriety test.
You would fail.
Just like it is a fact of being in the room.
So that's the pre heater.
We call it the.
That's the pre the appetizer.
Well, we got four names for the bell ringers.
It's the fucking.
Hi.
First of all, this is gun.
Now, this is where you want to stop because you don't want to smoke the filter.
Yeah.
Well, I'm all down for sucking on something hard and get my mouth and swallowing, but not
when it's paper.
Oh, here's the thing.
I'm not going to get my mouth and swallow it.
I'm going to get my mouth and swallow it.
It's paper.
Oh, here, buddy.
I'm sorry.
Get it out of there.
That or you just do this.
Okay.
Or you just set them all in there or you can be really crazy with it and turn them upside
down.
Oh, my God.
They're going.
Well, a good thing your carpets part of the show.
Okay.
On fire.
No, it's just trying to light my shit on fire.
My couch on fire.
I'll also show you that this particular one is one that you can.
The shock.
But yeah.
Yeah, you're just gonna rinse it off with your spit after and then you put it in somebody else's mouth
Well, no, I'm not gonna touch that
I mean if there's one thing, you know, Howie Mandel. Oh, I've got a little bit of that like
This gangbang starts
If I sign up for a gangbang, I know what I'm getting. Oh, I have gloves. I have sanitizer wipes
I'm fucking a mess. I've got everything I need for a game because I don't need to use my mouth
I don't need to use my hands it other than to you know, it's a lot to something right for bracing myself
It's obviously sounds like it won't know not necessarily. You're just doing like a pure out money shot. Yeah, I just hold
I just whatever blasted pure out there. What's I don't think you can wash this dirt off, but look at that
That's motorcycle mechanic dead hands. Yeah, that's gonna be so dirty inside you
anyway, this has been the most just
outright just just gayest opening and I can't say that well, no, but I just it's just I
Say I want I want to say right here at the top that I absolutely
Am an ally to LGBTQ community our FML fail. I hate that shit. I hate the alphabet joke
I don't even understand. Yes, you fucking do. I hate that shit so much. The alphabet joke is so done
It's like the I identify as an attack helicopter thing. You do like so
2000 and late I mean if you're gonna come up with that's
That appropriately right now because that's what it was for I would say this if you're going to go after the gay community
Then I think you got to be more creative now nowadays. I'm not saying attack them
I'm saying just couple of jokes that even they would find funny just like that's what relates like I think
Book of Mormon is the perfect demonstration on how to make fun of someone and have your audience and have the pure target
love it too, and so I think like they don't that the whole like
LGBTQ is just you know identifiers right just it's an acronym. We don't give I hop any shit
Why would we give that any shit? We don't call it I hop
Elemental P, you know, well, there's already P but sorry. I'm not coming at you hard. Oh, are you talking to me?
Cuz I wouldn't know I
Literally was thought you're talking to
Me this is actually a good opening because there is a little bit of that in this movie
Oh boy little LGBT actually did you not watch the movie?
Who's never mind? Well, I'm seeing that there their captain or whatever the one that has her
Oh because it's a so I actually read a trivia spoiler alert for the movie
But it was that John Carpenter said that he was even considering them to have a relationship
the two of them the girl the blonde one, what's her name Natalie Natasha Hendridge?
Henstridge and
Pamela Greer Greer
Greer
Yeah, exactly. That's a that's what I
Decided against it. He also decided against just I read this recently today making a good movie making it making it half musical
Where all the flashbacks would have been LL Cool J rapping? Oh
Rapping to the oh dude that would have made it so much better. Yeah, but then but then
Jason state that was his whole I can hate it outright
So anybody know what else John
Yeah, but anyway, why don't we John Carpenter was famous for Halloween
Which incidentally I play Michael Myers every year for the last 23 years. You look like a Mike Myers guy
I have a face for radio. They've said it. I'm not saying face wise we never for print
Funny looking so yeah
Let's get into the wall. This is probably the most
Monumentous version of what are we smoking because there's a lot we've already killed
Three baby jeeters. They're done. We kill them in the first six minutes had a tense
topic talk about LGBT rights
Which doesn't happen on the show I never get into this shit
I usually just shut it down and then we move on so you got to keep your pants on well
They're underpants. I got well, are you gonna get progressively more naked?
I don't know not even recording it
I know
So our first shirtless guest it is our first shirtless gift the first
Pressure yeah, I would hope
We got Brent Chrisler's so I
You just took a shoe
Can feel at home, man. I'm sorry. Maybe don't make it so homie. I mean if it wasn't so inviting
No, I know I understand. I don't know what I do. No sir. I will not be on video doing this
Because then you're gonna be famous like I'm fucking known listen, you know, you ever seen the movie dirt diggler listen
I'll take this right now
I'm not buying your shit Jason because just moments ago before this even started
You're like you were desperate to get that GoPro up because you want to be on film
You want to expose that fucking mug of yours for some reason some part of you looks in the mirror and says the world needs
To see this and I I listen I don't question it. I feel like I should be on a couch
Can I lay back I'm actually looking at your tats. I haven't given it a sense. What do you got going on tat wise?
What's this over here? It looks like a tattoo. All right. Yeah, it's my only tattoo that I didn't pick out
so it looks like a jack-in-the-box with a
clown a
Two-faced clown in a straight jacket coming out with some brass knuckles a syringe a
hammer straight edge razor straight edge razor, sorry
I see
And then the my mom takes lethal injection
She actually thinks is like oh you're doing needles heroin. It's I'm like no mom
It's the box if it's open people die
Not that I've done anything like that, but so 30th and 31st birthday
Yeah, I said the buddy sticks the guy that tattoos me draw someone there
So I know I'm not in control of this life anymore. I just lost my wife
She had a baby with another man cheated on me long story short on Christmas Day. It was a sad story, but now
What we've come from there is now if the right arm hits you you're dead
I'm gonna turn my iPhone locator on
I was about to say speaking of mom
Speaking of moms this this fucking beanies real nice. Let me call mine and tell her where I'm at and who I'm with
What's the matter? I thought this was a gangbang like we have a dominator
I'm sorry, so let's see the water be smoking. I brought I mean I got some some stuff at THC
I got some stardust. Oh gee. It's an indica
I've got
Some what is this la kush sounds good?
I got some some leftover that cucumber stuff. I think cucumber melon. What do we have cucumber lime?
Yeah, yeah that stuff and I brought that joint, but it's not what's on the label
It's not a stizzy
40s or
Well, it looks I think it's oregano
It looks good, but how can you tell there's no wait cuz that look any different than those no right?
These are all different. I like the packaging can't tell and he said it didn't even belong in this package
So I like the word package look I get I get
Never in this podcast history if I if I had to if I had to double take so many gay innuendos from a guest
First of all, they're not gay. They're lbgq. We're all one
Elemethyl
Yes rolling on the floor, too
Oh my goodness. Yeah
Again, I want to stress. I'm an ally
I want rights in every department
I'm a lesbian in a man's body. I want to be a lesbian in a man's body
I want to be a lesbian in a man's body
I want to be a lesbian in a man's body. I totally agree with having sex with women
That's an edit. I don't even fuck do I just leave it let you to hang yourself or do I?
Or do I edit it out to make us all look good? I don't know what to do
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do
The creative progress is tough
He's like South Park
People will hear that and be like oh that's just face
They're gonna be like yo that is totally fuck face now
This is a new character that was back in the day when I was married
Yeah, his name was fuck face because when he got introduced I felt like hey my name's Jerry
And I'm here to get queerly
Oh
That was your opening line? Yeah, well if you don't how many dad bots were in that?
I gotta say I got it listen. I'm honest on this show. I don't know anything but
I fucking love it
I hate all of this gay stuff that you're doing. I hope it can do
Can we move on from it and do anything else?
I don't know why we are doing it in the first place
You're doing it. I'm Jerry. I'm queerly
You came out of your mouth
I'm being me bud
Keep your pants cool
That's gonna be the key
I've never lost control of my own home like this before
Oh my god this is your house I love it
I've been invaded by a
He represents what the bell ringer does to your band
Wait we haven't even started with that but I want to start hitting the bell ringer
Yeah let's get more high I think that is the answer
I know that sounded sarcastic but here on Fried Rice Podcast
That was a genuine answer
Maybe we can move through this
While you're doing that why don't you tell us about the new bell ringer
Yes so it is a triple adapter for your bong or hookah
The smaller ones for your hookah
But now what we've tried doing here at the bow
I thought you said you didn't like touching things and you're touching things
Anyways
Whatever
All I know is there's a lot of weed about to be smoked
I'm not even a representative of the bell ringer right now in face
Fuckface if you're nasty
Well that's like a reference to the Janet Jackson song
I don't know I'm not a big Janet Jackson fan
Do I look like a big Janet Jackson fan
Oh no my name ain't baby it's Janet
When you come in here is it the Marvel stuff
The
Well I mean is it the Marvel stuff
Are you talking to me
Yeah yeah
What's the question
The DC stuff
There is a Black Panther poster over there
There is
I also have Luke Cage and I also have another Black Panther
And I have Falcon
So I don't know what these nerds are talking about
But there's a lot of pictures in here
Either way all I know is
Yes I would say to that question yes
I like these pictures I like the new Ninja Turtle ones I just put up
If you're listening at home which you are because we're not filming this thing
I like the Ninja Turtle ones on the wall that I just put up
There's a scary Satan poster on the wall right by the TV
Well it's Hellboy it's Young Hellboy
Oh okay I don't know comics I'm sorry
I don't watch movies or TV
That's from the comic and it's a real painting
I don't read or watch movies
I was addicted to them for one time
At comic books
No movies I had DVRs like six DVRs
Who gets addicted to movies like who stops watching things
Everybody
Why
You don't go out you don't shower you don't do anything
I do all those things
And I still enjoy watching it
You were just a hang around
You were like oh I like movies a little bit
No you got to be addicted to it where you just don't stop
Your DVRs are so full
And I said DVRs
They're so full that's all you spend your life doing
Yeah
I'm not going to drink this right now
Can I have the period blood?
No no I'm going to drink it later
Oh hell
If I had it on you want some I can put some
Absolutely not I just didn't know if that was part of the ritual
It's not period blood it looks like it
I will say that what a gross way
I was going to say like a viscous oil
Red
Yeah
I don't lie here
He may say he doesn't lie
But I'm a tiger I'm not a lying person
Yeah
Person
This is
And that
I honestly
Right now I'm defragging my brain
Trying to like
Because right now host brain
Fucking autism
Andy brain and then
Johnny
What's happening right now is the
Sanctity the comfort that is my home
In my head that's just the bricks
That I've laid there year by year just being
Finding myself more comfortable living in here
You're shattering it it's like you're
Yeah you're like
Red faction 2
With a sledgehammer you're just going in
And you're that's a I mean if you guys like
Red faction 2 the video game
From 2004 I don't
Know but you could break
Down you could break down walls in the game
With a sledgehammer I didn't know anything
Other than but what I did was feel
So comfortable that I thought I
Could just get naked it is uncomfortable for the
Gang man I mean if we don't want to
Do the gang like that's okay
Can I get a torch I need to light this
Crack up sure yeah
It's not
Crack it's PCP
So while Andy's doing that
Anthony who's been very
Silent tell us a little more
This is the quietest Anthony's ever been
I think if this whole thing was a Polish I would
Be less confused
Anthony's in the corner which if you know Anthony
At all he's so
Out of character for him to just sit
I'm lost man it's like another planet
Walk in and kind of he was the first one that
Kept standing up walking away from me
I think you already sensed the
Holy fuck I wasn't really
Talking about crack but okay
Well that's all I had
You asked for a torch
Oh I guess I didn't know I was at the
No no no cause that's not the way
We do my wax with the hell stone
By the way I'm partnered with
Settle down it's not like that
I'm just about to get really fucking high and I'm already
And I've already lost all my defenses
You've broken into my home Jason
You're welcome and you've destroyed my
Sense of comfort Stop talking
Alright let's take a hit This is my podcast
I'm the captain now
Look at my eyes
Okay wow so this
Is a real torch like you like weld
Shit but it's like a bowl of weed
The hell stone is the best
It'll go out when you're done
It tastes so good
So I'm just gonna hit it like that
As you see it went out
We're not heating it up before hell stone
You can get them in Aqua Lab technologies
Suck suck suck suck suck okay
Now it goes out like I said so
You're literally taste that now
You will taste the wax it's not gonna make you cough
Because you're not heating it up so much
Let's give grandpa one
Grandpa's no cough medicine
I thought grandpa's cough medicine was good
Grandpa has three stints
He's sexist
So wake up pussy it's the 2023
We're not able to die
You had a heart attack earlier this year
I wouldn't doubt it I mean the guy looks like it
Oh shit
Of all the people
Well no all of you do
Besides me and Austin
I mean me and Austin look like we're about to fucking just like
I don't know rule the world
You look like you're about to rob a toy store
Is this the toy store we're talking about Austin
This is why I'm fucking here
You look like the Wet Bandits 2024
Not like you don't look like any
You're either one of them but it just looks like you'd be the one
foiled by a child
In a home alone situation
Shoot man I'm just a natural born
Killer
I just said the Wet Bandits
What is that is that a movie
Those are the bandits from home alone
There are people here that don't watch
I don't watch movies Oh god damn it
There's no way that's real
No I'm not buying into it
I'm not letting you
No he bought into it
She's feeling feisty cause he's on my right hand side this time
Because there was a thing where I directed all my anger forward
And it worked perfectly
You're right you've gotten through 25 minutes
You're welcome
I keep him on my side
I know
Cause you know what
Grand Peppy needs a nap
I'm feeling like he can use a nap
You gotta stop picking on him
I mean my god that's probably why he had a heart attack
I heard
Cause I feel the anger directed at me
And I'm just all like
And I spit it back out as love
Yeah no you're good at that
Well I get it I mean I took over this podcast I know
Hey by the way how you guys doing on Faces Podcast
2021
No I don't even know
That was your most creative name
Was first off just your name podcast
And then the wrong year
Oh I'm sorry Fried Rice is much better
Do we have any fried rice here
I'm Andy Rice
Oh is your last name Rice
Welcome to Fried Rice Podcast
I'm here because Austin said we're gonna fucking rob some people
And they got a bunch of weed
We're bringing Stoner Podcast back
Dude
Let's smoke a bunch of weed and hit record
Yeah this is the
This is the old school
Version of
God damn that
Well that's just the start
How Mormon you are
Are we still in the what are we smoking section
God you brought a bag you brought an ounce of weed
And a baggie
God you're one of the best guests we've ever had
In some regards
In other regards you've destroyed my sense of comfort
Almost as just a human
Okay well you just helped me
I thought you were
Holding your hand towards me
I don't know if we hold hands in a gangbang
Well he just
I just got my hand held by this man
He was halfway over his
He went 60%
I fucking hold his hand
I don't know what kind of podcast this is
We're not even recording
But okay
What are we doing next
Oh and I'm the guy
This is my shit
Keep your pants on
I thought sorry every time you adjust
It looks like you're dropping a trowel
One time you did
It's just what happens
I roll it up and
What do you want me to do to keep it in more
Alright so
What was that
What was that wax you brought
Oh that was called
Good wax
And then the other stuff is also called good wax
And I'm so old that the other stuff is
Good weed and weed from the dispensary
Is what I label these
Because the good weed is the street ounce
That someone has
I don't know how
I didn't do that
Street weed
You gotta have the street man
Then you have this
Fancy stuff
The jeeters and all that for the second
And third the dispensary and then the
Laboratory tested
Which I disagree with all of it
I don't think it's real
Like laboratory tested and stuff
We actually were
When we say percentage we say it's bullshit
Because here's the thing
Sometimes we've gotten stuff in the 20s
That's kicked our asses
Supposedly and then you get
25 but it's still good
I can shove my hand up a bull's ass
But I'd rather take the butcher's word
For it
That leafer's that we got the other week
That leafer's joint
It says it's
What was it 58%
Diamond and crusty
It destroyed us
It like
For little guys
For little guys you're huge
How am I a little guy
Well you're like what
Am I not still
Running a fucking podcast
After everything thrown at me
Lex Luthor
I mean if I'm going to be the fucking superman
If I needed a bald villain
Who's insane
And a business owner
Then here we go
Lex Luthor and Joker
Mixed together
I just started my second business to take over the world
I believe that more than anything
You've said about not watching movies
Wanting a gang bang
It is you
Directly Jason Schaefer
Wanting to take over the fucking world
That's my fake bro
I'm done with this shit
I tried giving him my business card folks
He grabbed my finger I think because
He said he's like Howie Mandel
He likes jerking fingers off
So he handed me a business card because he wants me to plug his other business
Which is light him up lights
Actually this is pretty cool because it's safety feature
For your bike
Your motorcycle
It's under lighting it's LEDs
It syncs up to your blinkers it makes you more visible
It's fucking cool already
He does none of that
He didn't know what it does
No so what it is
What are you marketing it wrong on Instagram
I'm joking that's exactly what it is
I was like man that was some great marketing
I understood exactly what the product is and I don't even own a motorcycle
And then immediately he's like
Na dog it's
It's like putting on your helmet it makes you look like an alien bro
Yeah and you fly away if you press the on button
No it's exactly what it is
It turns underglows into turn signals
Look it up
Light him up lights LHC at Instagram
Or the other way around
It's all of it
I don't watch movies or I'm not on the internet
I think you've been plugged enough
Why are you plugging me dude what the fuck
The moment that came out of my mouth
I came out of your mouth
Should I choose my words more carefully around Lex Luthor
Plug and came out of your mouth
What do you fucking expect me to do that's just comedy gold
After wanting not to be the gang
So we got good wax
Good wax we had some
We got some street weed
We've had so much
This has been the weediest
Just all we've done the first half hour
Of the show is fucking smoke
And all we've done is I've been attacked
By a
Super villain
Yeah well cause you either die a hero
Or die a hero
Or like you grandpa like me we live long enough
To become a villain I bet you're just grumpy
About everything like life you wake up pissed
Do I?
Not you
You're talking about the royal you
Grandpa he's already been labeled
Does everything have to be about you
He has been
Mike has been
We live long enough to become a villain bro life ends up hurting us
And breaking us down to where we're just pissed waking up
He wakes up the pissed
And we're like hey that was another gay reference
Why is he going there
That's a prostate
That's a prostate reference which well
There you go
As long as you don't milk it and we talk about it
Oh god love the milking
I gotta steer it that way cause
One of Mojave comedy's best
Just did the most amazing thing that any of us have done
So far
At least in my opinion
Opening for fucking Ben Bailey dudes
Like it's spill
Cash cab I mean I could be Ben Bailey
As bald as he is
But it was dope
Yeah it was great I thought I was
Kind of starstruck for about 30 seconds
And they talked my fucking ear off
It relaxed me and it was nice
He talked your ear off
Yes famous people will
That's what we do
We hung out with them after the show
A little bit backstage and we were just talking to them
And like just nicest fucking dude ever
Did you
Well you said this is the show
He wanted us to bring weed but that's kind of off
Dude I got you
You damn right
Do you not realize
You guys are all stars already
He was asking if anything and I was like no I don't have any
I should have been there dude I'm so sorry
Me too I was like I know some people
No I really should have been there I would have brought a couple jeeters
And we could have
You don't bring a couple jeeters
I'm sorry I was on my way to shout out
What day of the week was it? Thursday
Yeah I work on Thursdays
I don't work ever I own two businesses
I asked you if you acquired a joint for Mr. Bailey
I said it in those exact words
No it's not my thing
So I thought okay maybe I don't want to bring it on Anthony's behalf
And be like that but I totally could have
Rowson weeded it and I was there
And so could have Sean had weed on him for sure
That guy always had weed on him
He invited me to Denny's
Did you go?
Why?
His wife was there
And it's like
No I got this weird thing in my head
Of like he's doing it to be nice
You know what I mean? So I was like I don't want to fuck with
He had another guy with him and I was like
I don't want to fuck with their room
Mess up their moons over my hammy
And shit with my weirdness so I just fucking went home
That's weird
I would have totally got him weed
I had the same I had jury duty with
Ben Harper he's a musician
And he
I went up to him cause he
I recognize you
You spoke at my graduation cause he was like
From my hometown
And he's like yeah cool what's up kid
And he invited me to go
Pizza for lunch and I felt
Almost I was just like this feels like
He's just being polite
I'm okay bro I brought a lunch
And I was broke I didn't eat
I was just like you know one of those rough
Like 19 year old moments and I was like
I just went the whole day
I got picked for the jury
And I hated it
Oh I thought that was a clip from them
Well you got picked
I was there for a week they pay you like 12 bucks a day
You got picked though
But I skipped this last one
Like a couple weeks ago which I'm super happy about
But anyway
We're done with the what are we smoking
Section we're not done smoking
But we're done with the what are we
Smoking section but I mean
God fucking
You're just so high now
Again I warm
Just lubing it around
So you don't get like so high you pass out
Because the bell ringer has
Made people pass out
I'm never in my life
Oh I challenge accepted whatever you say
Neither am I
Oh god but we also need to have
A podcast
I don't even know what a podcast is I'm just
Being me bud you guys do your podcast thing I'll just
Sit here and get you high
Oh god I can't argue
I'm just gonna sit here
And be your weed sommelier
So last night I was
That's a very intellectual word I love your linguistics
I watched like four or five
Bloodhound gang music videos last night
What the hell
See what I'm saying
Fuck me that was just being a nowhere
And I'm the one doing this gay shit
Man they did some funny videos
Did they bang it out
No the porno one
Jacy Lane
So that should be your theme song
Honestly
Mom and dad this is Jacy
This is my mom and dad
And it's just a picture of Mike
You titty hot a bitch
That's your mixtape
Is that your Ralph Wiggum song
Ralph Wiggum song
Yeah their entire song is Ralph Wiggum
No but I found
A death metal band called
Oakley Doakley last night
Oh they all dress up like Ned Flanders
That's true
Not too hard
Yes
Beautiful clean titty
And you get more than one off of each one
So I'm just saying
This is a great podcast
Getting higher
Oh no he already said never in my life
Oh watch
The only goal I had today when I told Austin
He was like yo we're gonna go rob these people
They got a bunch of weed I was like I just wanna get them so high they pass out
And then we'll just
In my mind I'm doing the math
Can Anthony and Mike and me
Pass my limit of being high
And hopefully Austin
Stop you on full blown
Crystal meth from robbing us
Because I feel like
You got crystal meth where the fuck is it guys
You're gonna reach into your pocket
And pound into your face and say time to rob these
You're gonna throw your pants on the ground
Whip Anthony in the face with your dick
And then take all my movie posters
Did you tell them what our plan was?
No I'm serious but I'll fucking fuck you up right now
Whatever you do start playing Night Ranger
Are you a rat Austin?
That is verbatim what I texted you last night
Let's play some Sister Christian
And set up for a minute
And get a butt plug that we call the bell ringer
It's not really a bell ringer
I will endorse that innuendo
Because they do look like butt plugs
His invention the bell ringer
It sucks man listen we tried
Rescalpting it and stuff to make it look like a ding ding
A bell like you know
But no matter what when you set them up
Well they're for breast cancer awareness
Mine are usually brown and red but those are pink
Breast cancer awareness but
Yeah we did that
Listen I gave this guy 35 minutes of just
Uninterrupted
This
And that was the worst thing that's been said so far
On the show Anthony I'm going to give it to you
Pick your moments You're diabolical
You're the real super villain you're the real Lex Luthor
Because you're also bald
And when you pick your moments
You told me what to do I did it
You're what amazing Lex
So what we could I mean this is
Anyway I bloodhound gang
I covered that that was a note I wanted to make
For some reason in my mind
Can we talk about the movie?
Was there a movie? Yeah
I thought we were here for a movie because now purposely
I want to go on another fucking tangent
Shit
Oh yeah did I talk last week
About how much Temu I bought?
Temu
Mine hasn't come yet
But I went on
Is it Temu because it's
T-E-M-U
Yeah that would be Temu
I thought it was T-E-2-E's
Well you just spelled it right
I thought it would still be Temu
Shamu
I thought those were Temu's
It wouldn't change it
Are there commercials?
Oh yeah I've skipped them
The games
You're a game man
And they have that weird girl go
If you ordered that you get the free Temu
Is it TikToks or something?
Video games
You guys must not really be gamers then
Because me and him are talking about like a Yahtzee
Toy Blast
This ain't the real stuff they really show you
That's a fancy one
I just want to hear the fucking name
That last 30 seconds
Whatever noise just happened
No one at home was going to fucking understand
I'm right here and it was this, this and this
Nothing
Just real quick
They just said it
I said Temu I think
Can you please play a real commercial
Because me and him know
This is an official from the fucking company
That's what I meant
They don't show those commercials
You know what I'm talking about
Fine, fine, fine
Well it's the one where me and him see it all the fucking time
The same way
This one is the compilation
She just said it
She said it
Did anyone catch it?
I don't know I was too busy hearing it and thought it
Temu
She just said Temu
That's her dialect
Temu just wait
Everybody
Chill for just one fucking second
For god sake the entire point
Of this fucking video
Is to hear her fucking say the word
Will you all
For the love of god be quiet for one second
Temu
Temu is what she fucking says
The company that made it
It's a Chinese company
Can you do a three seconds
Yeah, can you do three seconds before that
Where she goes
Right, right
So it's not, it's just her dialect
Go before it, watch what else she says with a T
Let's do that
Free returns, let's hear her say free returns
Free returns
Hold on, hold on, you guys are
I feel like maybe borderline racist
With this
Because I'm clearly understanding
I'm clearly understanding
You guys, I pulled up an English ad
With someone in America
Playing the company, we were about to hear it
It was great, and then you guys started
Fucking yelling, this ain't the one I seen on my phone
This ain't the one I seen
So I find the
Fucking compilation
The moment we hear an authentic Chinese person
From the company
Say the word, you guys come out of fucking nowhere
And attack me, fuck you
Fuck you, fuck you for not standing up for me
And fuck you for not standing up for me
It's Temu, I shopped too much
At Temu this week
Fuck all of you, moving on
Let's talk about the movie, it was Ghost of Mars
Directed by John Carpenter
2001
Starring
Ice Cube, Natasha Hensrich
Whatever her name is
From Species
And
Jocelyn Jason Statham
His first on screen kiss
That is not Jason Statham
But anyway, it is
No, that's some other dude, that's his third kiss
What, okay, no, no, no
Explain, explain
I'll explain, because this is my wife
And I've been sitting here watching this movie
I know, he always brings notes
He's the only one that brings, well, no, he brings notes
Actually, he's disconcerting
He's prepared
It was his hair
That shit's ridiculous
It didn't look like him though, so he'd talk
It was like his third cousin
Talking, it wasn't like
Everybody else looks just like the
Ice Cube, that's fucking Ice Cube
Natasha Hensrich, that's Natasha Hensrich
Jason Statham, I don't know who the fuck that is
That's not Jason Statham
That's Jason Statham's
Third cousin once removed
It's like a
Like a moonlighting Bruce Willis
Yeah, it's uncomfortable
A Seagram's wine cooler
Or a Bruno
The album
It was actually literally uncomfortable to watch
Because you kept
Sorry, I know too much about Bruce Willis
Talking about Bruno
That's a fucking deep cut
Talking about Bruno, hold on, I'm going to look that up real quick
But that's a great point
I like your Jason Statham take
That was his musical alias
Talking about Bruno?
We don't talk about Bruno
Oh, you're talking about Icanto
No
Bruce Willis
What is the movie called?
Or he's Bruno
Bruce Willis had an alter ego as a musician named Bruno
Sure
And he was a musician named Bruno
It's like fucking Garth Groves
Right now organically
In real life's conversations
Say, let's talk about Bruno
Yeah
You said let's talk about Bruno
When there's a very famous
Almost Oscar winning song called
We don't talk about Bruno
From the movie
Talk about him as Bruno
That's a deep cut to talk about him as Bruno
You literally said let's talk about Bruno
That's a funny
I'm just saying
Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker
The right 12 year old girl would have misunderstood completely
What is going on in this thing?
I thought we were here to talk about movies
We are
We are talking about several movies
I don't watch movies
He played the harmonica shit
He went around LA and played
Gigs I think
So okay, we got also Clea Duvall
Who I absolutely love
From not only faculty
But also
But I'm a cheerleader
Which is a great movie
Have you guys seen But I'm a Cheerleader?
The faculty
It's about aliens in the street
It's got Jason
30 days and nights
Josh Hartnett
Clea Duvall
A couple other people
The only thing I remember from that is Harvey Danger
Was on that movie
Grandpa does joints so that's a cigarette for him
You getting diamonds now
Up into the big boy categories
This is all before we hit the bell ringer
Good, I feel like my brain is warming up
Like butter
Like a melting wax
It's so funny
You go to a movie like this
We're watching this movie
We're looking at Natasha Anstrich thinking of her
She ended up with two kids
From the other cop
I can't remember his name
He never played anything else after this
He became a Hollywood husband
Not Jason Statham
The other cop
He's got time
Chris Pratt was a Hollywood husband for a while
This dude, no, but now he left her
He married some other actors
He's been like for 20 years
He did this movie and then nothing for 20 years
Except
Fuck these girls
I was a hobby lobby husband for a while
I know how it feels
One of the side actors that I
Took notice of
Was Louis from Revenge of the Nerds
He was one of the train conductors
The main guy from Revenge of the Nerds
He's also Lizzie McGuire's dad
He's one of the train conductors
I noticed him and I was like
Hope nothing bad happens
Tim really liked the dude
Literally
Just towards
I'm like cool, he's going to make it
He leans his head out like a fucking moron
One of those
Zombies
Really, really strong
Really accurate
Buzzsaw like aim
Threw a blade and sliced his neck open
That is so weird that they have so many saw blades in that movie
Because there's no fucking trees on Mars
Oh there's no oxygen on Mars
Whatever
With the whole fucking movie shit
No, no, no, no, it's 2179
So now there's oxygen
And gravity
They said literally that it's in the middle of terraforming
And that's why they had the breathers
If you had to go
Remember 10 years ago we had to use full masks
So we're already moving forward
And in another 50 years
I think Kohagen already operated that machine
Here
We got two
That was Kohagen
From Total Recall
They had that machine that made oxygen
Maybe that happened before this
This is a sequel to Total Recall
Kohagen already activated the machine
It's pretty good
I can breathe now
So what do you think
First off of the Total Recall reboot
I didn't see it
But it's probably bad
What? With Colin Farrell?
It was good
I liked it
What's his name? Cranston right?
I liked it
Because it had a drop hole or something
I think it was closer to the short story
I read the short story, it's pretty good
But not to talk about gang bangs again
But there was a drop hole
There was a what? There was a drop hole
In that move out
Where a bunch of men went inside
Why the fuck do we keep coming around
At this
Jesus
You've lost control
I love Cleandoval is what I was saying
But I'm a Cheerleader is a really underrated
Independent movie about cheerleader
Who
Is obviously gay
She just won't admit it
Like to herself
But her parents suspect it
Her coach suspects it
And so they send her to a conversion camp
And then she discovers
I think that's why you like that movie
It's like an Andy Rice auto bio
Wait, okay that's
I wasn't saying thank you to that
I was saying thank you to
Having the joint pass to me
What I mean to say to that
Is
No
It's just a good movie
And Cleandoval is one of the
Other lesbian chicks who's there
Trying to be quote unquote converted
But what's great about the movie is that it's sort of like a rebellion movie
Like almost like a prison riot movie
In a way where they rebel against this camp
And really just
They are who they are
And they end up just embracing that
Instead of it working
You know like
Becoming straight by the end of it
It's not a pro conversion movie
It's definitely a like fuck that shit kind of thing
So I like it
It's a good movie, well anyway she's in that
Jason Statham we all love because of
The transporter series
Prank and snatch
This is not happening, no
I think you have to
We're gonna die
Oh my god you're gonna end this
This is the start of the bell ringer
If I have to have these two
That's what I was wondering
I don't know if you guys are cops
That's why I'm making sure you guys are
These guys look like he's undercover at
Thank you
At a club med somewhere
He got deputized
Oh I love Hawaii Five
Okay I got this
It's like these guys are on a podcast
Called White Rice and they're not
Even smoking weed
Well he's a guest
Oh I thought you were a regular on this show
Makes sense
Now
What I mean by this is you're starting the bell ringer
So now you're getting used to
Having three different ways of smoking
Marijuana going into your
Lungs
You're not gonna blow this smoke away
So Austin you're trying to
Wave the fan, I'm literally gonna have so much
Smoke in here, this will be the first
Ever fried rice podcast
I might have to physically just for my throat sake
Take a couple minutes
Why do you keep talking weird man
Just say you gotta take a break, you don't have to tell me about your throat
Oh
Well he made a point to go, my throat sake
I'm like, in a gang bang you gotta get used to this
What's the thing
You saying it
I'm just talking about this
Why do you gotta break, that's not
The bell ringers is not
Sponsoring pussies
Again
This, you gotta realize
We're gonna do a dab, a blunt, and a bowl of weed
That the three forms
That you could do the marijuana
I could put a pin in one of these motherfuckers
And do it, so like vape it and stuff too
Yeah, you can do all that
And what that does is take you to a level
Where you end up becoming the host of a podcast
Listen, I didn't know this was gonna be
Bell ringer the infomercial
I'm okay with it, no, look I'm not saying
I didn't know, I knew we were gonna talk about it a little bit
I didn't know that we were gonna do
51 minutes of just Andy getting
Higher than he's ever been in his life
All because he invited the Joker over
Who, the Lex Luthor motherfucker
I heard it was a podcast
They can't see you
They don't even know you're high
Oh they know
If they've listened to the show
I'm pretty sure
This is the least I've ever spoken in my life
And now I feel like I'm
Talking slow
Oh, the least
You made it through your three cast members
So far
For what
Oh, Natasha Hensrich
We got Ice Cube
That was cool
Ice Cube playing James
Desolation Williams
The best name ever
What a fucking badass nickname
Because here's what desolation means, I googled it
It means a state of complete
Emptiness or destruction
And if that doesn't describe what
His soul was, well at least what they
Were trying to portray
He kind of said it
What I gotta be
Yeah, he's a fucking
I like it
He's a killer
He's killed people in self defense
But not for no reason
He's not a good guy
No, he's not a bad guy
Antihero
He's surviving
If you listened to last week's episode
We talked about the way the gun
Poor innocent fucking pregnant woman
Who got caught up in the middle of a
Kidnapping thing and was like shot at
And had to like defend herself with a
Shotgun at one point
Austin and Mike were so fucking
Quick to paint her as a
Villain right out the gate
I say Ice Cube
Who's killed motherfuckers
In cold blood
James Desolation Williams
Painted to be the bad guy
Slash like
Antihero
You're like, not a bad guy
Not a good guy, but not a bad guy
Pregnant woman, that bitch ruined
Everything
Ice Cube
He's cool, whatever
Moral of that story was
Don't automatically paint
Someone out to be a villain
Yeah, don't turn this
Around on you
This is not you
That's not, that's like it carried away
You're a monster
And you know it
Only on TV
I play a character, that's what we all do
Yeah
Mine's just a weirdo
They should have just named the guy Ice Cube
In this movie
They should have just named it Ice Cube
But anyway, if you're not gonna watch
I'm like Doughboy in space
That's what I'm gonna call his movie
Doughboy in space
I'm a hard-hitting fool
They locked me up
That's Doughboy
I read that John Carpenter said
Now this sounds like bullshit to me
Because it sounds like they had a lot of problems on set
Like Natasha Henstridge
Right before filming joined
Like one week before, right?
Oh, okay
Jesus, what are you talking to me?
I thought I had to explain the water thing
If you need the water, it's more complicated
You don't have to worry about it
This gangbanger's happening
So he said that Natasha Henstridge
So she joined right before him
They had trouble on set
So then later I'm sure he says
Well, it was supposed to be an over the top
Like homage to those kind of
Funny action movies
From the, you know, whatever
No, you didn't see the actual interview
True, he was
Boy, it's actually
He wrote
That it was, the whole thing was written
That way
And he shouldn't have let the audience in on the joke
That he shouldn't have let the audience in on the joke
That he was never
He said it's called Ghosts of Mars for Christ's sake
Why would people take this movie seriously?
He was never trying to make an actual
Like horror flick
He was trying to make Commando
That's what he
And if you know that
And you watch it knowing that though
This movie's actually a lot better
It really is
I remember watching it the first time
It was like a horror movie
This is not like a horror movie
But it's an action, comedy, comedy flick
Like a cop buddy flick
As you've heard, just cop buddy
It's just a cop buddy movie at that point
Just with zombies
It's just over the top
That sounds like he's covering his ass
That's like saying I put raisins in a burrito as a joke on cooking shows
What the fuck are raisins in this burrito for?
Oh, it's a comment
On cooking shows that make burritos
Without raisins, I thought it would be funny
I don't know, when you watch the movie back
With that thought in your head
That it's a buddy cop movie
It makes a lot more sense
I thought this was like a joke movie he did
Because he took the same thing he did with Thing and Assault on Precinct
A bunch of guys, they're locked in this place
There's evil outside trying to get inside
They have to get out of there
But he made it in such a way that it was like
No, think about this movie
It's a Snake Pilsen movie, man
It's repurposed
The script was originally supposed to be
But he probably scrapped so much of that
He scrapped a bunch of it
It's a rewrite
It's a Mexican movie
It's Escape from New York
The movie is Escape from New York
I'll tell you exactly what it is
We just fucking reviewed this movie
The episode just came out this week
Assault on Precinct 13
That's exactly what this is
It's just a group stuck in a location
Being attacked by a random
Weirdly choreographed gang
Of an undetermined amount of number
Running into a place
Where they have unlimited bullets until they don't
And then they do again
And then they do a choke hold situation
There's a back door kind of thing
And then they leave
Did they leave on a train?
Because if they did, it's a shot for shot
That's what I was getting to
Where it was just like that
Except they were about to leave
And then Ice Cube just turned around
And they were like, you know what? Fuck this
And then they just start slaughtering all these Martians
And they just put more metal music to it
It's just like they gave
Oh, you think we're just going to do the same John Carpenter thing again?
Nah, we're going to give you exactly what you fucking want
We're giving you what you want
Martians zombies throwing fucking saw blades
It's like Anthrax I think
I think it was Anthrax that did the music
Was this movie starring Natasha Henstridge
And Pam Grier should be escaped from obscurity?
Did you write that in the car?
I watched this movie
My wife walks in the room while we're watching
And it's one of the fight scenes through the corridor thing
And she literally thought
And my grandson was watching with me
And she thought we were playing a video game
Why?
It looks like a video game
This movie looks
You can see if you watch today's video games
That my kid plays and I play with him sometimes
Where they go through the hallways
It looks just like it
The shots in this movie, his style
And I'm not saying he took it from video games
Obviously it's the other way around
I'm guessing
2001 he was probably taking shit from video games
We had Resident Evil, we had Duke Nuke
We had Doom
This is not
This is a lot like Doom
Doom takes place on Mars
And Doom came out like 1992
1993, 1994
It's more like Doom
It's not like the original Doom graphics
It even has metal music
I'm talking about the graphics
It could be a cut scene from a newer Doom
I could see
If they wanted to sell it as a retro
Yeah, if you watch this back
Now I would say Doom
The movie Doom
Where they make it look like the first person shooter
They do a pretty good job doing that
In the early draft
The script was written as a semi-musical
The idea was that Ice Cube would wrap
Throughout the flashbacks
Slash exposition sequences
Of Mars featuring heavily as a dancing troupe
The idea was scrapped
When Carpenter
I'm talking about comedy, that's what he claims
I have no idea
Three different times there's stories
Within the story
You've got to realize the whole movie
Is Natasha, I think her name was Melanie in the movie
She's telling the matriarch
Who's dressed up like Dr. Evil
Everything that happened
So while she's telling that story
Those drifters tell a story
That weird short haired chick tells a story
And it does a flashback
So it's a fucking flashback within a flashback
Three different times
How their point of view is
When they're telling you how did you get here
Oh, well I was flying in my fucking hot air balloon
It goes
The whole movie's flashbacks
I wrote
The whole movie should have been
Before I finished it
This whole movie should have been that discovery scene
That felt like a better
Vibe of that architect finding
The red mist
That should have been the first movie
Ghost of Mars should have been the sequel
When you get to the
Mining town after the
The events, right?
I want the sequel
I want him and her now at the end of this movie
Where they set it up for a sequel
I want it to continue, I want the next one
Them out just kicking ass
Playing good and bad cop
I don't know if
Doom 3 stole from this movie
Or if this movie stole from Doom 1
And Doom 2
So
Since they were doing flashbacks
I think what they could have done
What he could have done is do like
A Rashomon sort of vibe
Do you know that format
Where it's like
I know Roshambo
That's where he kicks someone in the nuts
But Roshamon is the
It's that old Japanese
I think it's Kira Sawa
I don't know
I think so
Something
Happens in the woods
Like a woman and her husband
Are going through the woods and they're attacked by a bandit
And then
The husband dies
And now the bandit, the woman
And then a woman
Who's speaking on the ghost of the man
Are telling their three separate
Stories of what happened
They're all
Drastically
But they're all
But they
But they differ
Somewhat like
Like drastically from each other
So if they had done that with
Ghosts of Mars that could have been interesting
Like how she got back
Like if they brought back her ice cube
And the dad from
Lizzie McGuire and they asked them
Like what happened
You know what I mean
I think they were trying to
But it just wasn't
Smile
Oh yeah, let's get a better one
Is mom on right now?
Is mom on live?
She's probably high as fuck right now
That's good because we're not
I would hope not
I'm still smoking, I don't know, I thought this was a fire
Rice packet
You destroyed Mike
You don't have to take it
I'm always going to take it
I'm going 90, you go 10 by taking it
I'm just saying
What about villains
Oh I wrote a few notes, oh wait what villain
Oh wait
Marilyn Manson mixed with the crow
Mixed with every member of Gwar
Was their villain
No I said it back at Monday Night Raw
Watch party
It's good yeah
Now once I read the thing
That it's sequences
With Ghosts of Mars featuring as a
Heavily as a dancing troupe
A lot of it makes sense
If you watch the scenes in the background they're all like
They're like doing Power Ranger
Warm up moves in the background
They kept coming over that same ridge
It's the same three zombies just jumping over that ridge
They showed like seven times
The same shot
I think the
What was it
The heads on the
Pike scene was pretty cool
Did you
Why couldn't dumb ass just shoot her
Because if he did he would have triggered a whole
Whole fucking horde of them
He was being smart
Except he didn't know they were there
He didn't know they were there
If I saw that bitch I would have been shooting her
Well I know because she
Just killed
Chopping the new tent off and she pulls it out the back
Why didn't you just fucking shoot her then
He didn't know about all the other zombies
There's no
Why would you just let her go
I want to see what she does
I didn't know what the head was until I saw it
At that point you didn't shoot her
It was just heads he didn't know who's head
It could have been anybody's head
You can't just be pointing fingers at
Some chick
She goes off King Kong and I couldn't help
Look upon the tip
And she just had like two
Major bolts for piercings
Oh it was an exposed nipple
It was heavily
That slipped by you?
That slipped by me
I want to rewind
Like this bolt pipe just had two of these just like that
I did notice earlier someone else had a literal hand bra
Yeah made of actual hands
That was pretty good
I bet that's one of the most rewatched moments on Tubi
Either the hand bra or the bolt
And the hand bra I think is interesting
Was that even a term back then
Piercing?
Hand bra
Did that exist?
In 2001 yeah
This didn't come out in the 70s
I understand I'm asking
It takes place in the 70s
I believe so as a term in photography
I remember a really old poster
In my grandparents garage
It was my grandpas garage
It was a Budweiser that said men cannot live on beer alone
And it has a name
So I'm pretty sure they referred it to that
I'm just wondering when that was
Well
Okay
The CGI when they're throwing
I said
I said Jason Statham
Question mark question mark
That's not Jason Statham
That's his third cousin
Cool balloon explosion
There was something exploded
Her fucking balloon
That was a really cool practical
That was probably my favorite part of the movie
Worst CGI I've ever seen
I just skipped to the end
Not skipped to but this is what I started paying attention to
Throwing blades
And then how can you throw a blade that hard
They were like flying by
Landing into fucking rock and shit I feel
The doom music kicks ass
Not very realistic at all with the blades
Okay so we find out what the purpose of the red mist is
It's the native Martians
The people whose planet it is
Humans come in
Start mining that shit
What does the Martian do
Like the Martian species
They start taking care of business
So then the humans are like
It's zombies but then they figure it out
They're like shit
They're just trying to protect themselves
How big of a nuclear
Explosion will it be if we
If we fucking take out this planet
Do you think it will just
Take them out at the root
We're monsters
So I put Martians are trying to protect Mars from
Evaders dot dot dot
Let's nuke these motherfuckers
And you think that's how it would really be
It would be that's the most realistic part
How many innocent
Oh during this fight scene I put how many innocent
Extras would have died if Alec Baldwin had
Been playing Desolation Williams
Damn Andrew
Damn
That might have been a little dark
Oh no they
Killed Lewis from Revenge of the Nerd
Slash Lizzie McQuarrie's dad I wrote
Oh no
And then that's it that was my notes
I'm ready
Am I crazy did you hear how they were
Referring to the trains at the beginning
How were they referring to them Transmarinara
Yeah they were saying Transmarinara
That's like a drag queen in
Little Italy
I was like no way and then they
Do it later on I'm like Transmarinara
It's I guess the station
It's like Marinara station
Well Trans is yeah
Are they going across to Mars
Mara
Yeah well it's Mara Marinara
It's red maybe the ocean is made of red
Yeah you name
Martian shit after you name
Martian shit after things that are red and also
Contain M.A.R.
Yeah okay
So it's Marinara
What other stations could there be with that
Rule set in place
The airport is called menstrual blood
How many levels
In Doom are there I mean there's plenty in there
Deepo
Deepo menstrual blood
Doom might be the closest
Menstrual blood drink
Very interesting It was fruit punch
From oh man I should have read
The label sorry guys I poured it into
A cup because that fucking tab
Was so hard to open and it didn't look like
It was a practical way to drink the beverage
But I think it's also doesn't matter
I thought I misheard it
The first time they said that
Marinara
They said it a few times
They're really saying this
It's one of the worst decisions he's ever made
As a director or
As a writer yeah fuck that
That's terrible
The only thing that did make sense was Jason Statham
And Melanie were like
Towards the end
We might die let's fuck
They're about to and then it stops
He just gets murdered dude they just blue ball
Jason Statham to death
That wasn't Jason Statham
And
I will say okay listen
It was interesting how they did do that in this movie though
Everyone lived through the whole movie until like
The last 12 minutes
This movie then they just killed everyone off
In like 4 minutes
The other blonde girl died
I don't like your theory though man
I don't want to show you a photo of me with hair and then I don't exist anymore
My family loved me
That wasn't you
Man
So he stopped directing movies after this
For 9 years
Until he made The Ward
And The Ward I have not seen
It looks
The cover of it is very cool
Stars Amber Heard
Oh and Danielle
Pannabaker who I like
From The Flash
We just directed
Oh Amber Heard
Oh that's where the name
So familiar
She what? She left a grumpy
Listen
Okay I'll say this
Can I say this
So in hindsight when you look back on like
The Monica Lewinsky scandal
A lot of people look at it like man she took a lot of
Abuse for
What ultimately is just an
Affair yes it was with the president but like
Like she took a lot of
Abuse for that and for the rest of her life
It kind of it's been with her every step of the way
Just the jokes and everything right
I thought we were talking about
Well no
So Amber Heard I feel like is probably
The same situation where she
Well no listen
It's not the same at all
Monica Lewinsky wasn't being like Bill I'm going to
Fucken freak you
It's not an identical situation
Hit me Bill hit me
Amber Heard
I'm taking that jizz dress and I'm going to put blood on it
And say you beat me
So I haven't actually
I haven't watched the core
So you actually have no idea
I didn't follow it
I didn't follow it I just
She takes a jizz dress and puts blood on it
Turns out she's kind of insane
Well I mean I just watched the trailer I was like oh Amber Heard
I know that's Johnny Depp's former
Let's see what it's about
That's what I did I'm not saying you have to
I just meant I was like oh that's interesting
And yeah if you see into that it's interesting
All I'm saying is if you're going to marry
I don't know the details so let me just say this
Before I read into the details
I feel like
If you're going to marry
Johnny Depp right
He's one of the weirdest people in Hollywood
Has to be
Edward Scissorhands he's fucking
Jack Sparrow
I know where he's a good actor
But there's got to be something
Dark inside that dudes head
Well now that might be
He's from Kentucky
No if you're funny it comes from Dark Place
The funnier the person is or the better the person is
It's because they're probably going through a lot of pain
Yeah so he's going
So Andy Dick is a saint
You know what I don't know where I'm going with this
But I do like
Andy Wright is a great comedian
I'm not
Daniel
Pannabaker who's great is in
That movie so let's just talk about her for a second
She's in The Flash you guys watch The Flash
The show The Flash
I don't watch TV
She plays Killer Frost
Spoilers I mean that's a little bit into the
But yeah
She's awesome but anyway
Show your third
Movie down
I didn't enjoy the Amber Heard conversation
I don't know enough about it
I feel like I don't
Have enough ammo for this fight
I'm a normal man I apologize so that's why
I'm not like part of this podcast I'm literally just
Here as the sponsor to get them high
So don't like listen to me
That's what I got from Amber Heard
I was like oh well what's that about
Did you watch the movie? The Amber Heard movie?
No the Crystal Mars one you watched how much
Oh yeah so we do
A rating system I don't know if you're familiar with
The Fraud Rest Podcast rating system
I watched it or I heard it last week
I don't know if Anthony is but we do
B through W
So B through F
Being pretty standard
B is our top F is our bottom
But then W is a special
Place in hell that we resign
Movies that you absolutely hate
What's your takeaway from this
Movie? I need
To take notes
The other two gentlemen have notes prepared
I'm scared I'm just the sponsor
Getting high I don't watch TV or movies
That's a smart now that I think about it
The more I think about it that's a smart
Alias to hide behind
It's like it's if
Lex Luthor needed
A secret identity it would
Be a man named Face
Who doesn't watch movies or TV
I don't know anything about heroes or new things
I don't know nothing
He takes his shirt off everywhere he goes
It's his signature move but then you
Catch this motherfucker out in the real world
Suit and tie
He's wearing a toupee
He's got a falsetto voice
What are you talking about?
Why are you talking about it?
That dude cuts off his fucking
Bone and it's just like glazed
It's hilarious
The finger part
No it's in the candy
It's hilarious
Retard
What a stupid scene
Wait
We're so close to that
Can we agree if any one of us cuts our thumb off
Let's just make fun of the other person
We're going to make fun of them
On the way to the hospital
If you grabbed a can to open it that way
After smoking that then that's what you get
You can't say that word though
You guys once said that
It was hilarious
We're bringing it back we're going to get cool again
Everyone
No those two for sure
He said it was the retard
Mike and Anthony I just need to point it out
I said leotard
You're wearing leotards and mars
I was talking about making flames go away
I heard retard
I was doing a tune up the other day
I don't know what you're talking about
That's a real politician's
Kind of way to try to get out of it
And I don't like it
That's foul play
That's dirty pool
I'll put my offensive joke in here
It's dirty pool and it's not allowed Mike
Right when the movie started it said it was a matriarchy
I'm like oh this is fiction
Grand Peppy's cough medicine
Come on now
He's destroyed
I said when the movie started
It said it was a matriarchy on mars
I'm like oh it's fiction
That would never work
Wait
I think in an ideal
Not my ideal world but in some people's ideal world
That hate women
Wouldn't that be the option
Let's just send them all to mars and then they start their own society out there
They're like they're bitch enough here
Go make your own
But I would say that's the way the world seems to be leaning
It feels like
Fuck women and let's send them to space
So I don't know
Or it could be saying if you let women be in charge
Martian ghosts will kind of
Cut people up
The saw blades
I'm pretty sure it's not that deep
Or it's the deepest
I'm
I mean
I'm
I kind of hated it
I don't say that very often
In movies but
I was bored
I couldn't finish it when I tried to watch it
The night before
Last night
You know what's funny to me is they're on that train
And she has a command
Pam Grew is the commanding officer
She comes up to him and she's like are you high?
Yeah
You better not be high
By the time we get there
You better shake that shit off
It's like they're all high
I mean that's how she gets
Well it is a major arc so there's no accountability there
Oh yeah
Drugs
Drugs saved the fucking day
Oh shit
Natasha Hendricks is
She's dying
What?
She gets so blazed out of her mind
That like the Marsons are like fuck this planet
This bitch got issues
They're like what's going on with this ring?
This bitch got issues
Fuck this shit off into the wind
They just
Float off into space
Because of all the wind on Mars
But I will say
If it's terraforming there would be wind
This was slipstream on Mars
This is what this movie was
I
Liked it more than slipstream
Yeah
Slipstream was some bullshit
God what a fucking
Awful movie
So how do you rate this movie?
Yeah I'll start I don't care
Ghosts of Mars
For me it's like
D plus
Because there's like a handful
Of action scenes that are
That are fun
I think the last half of the movie
The climax is fun
I got no issues with that
Them running around
Him just dual oozeys running through
Mowing down these dancers
These choreographed dancers that John Garpener hired
To just hatch a child in the background
And see
Seriously go watch
With their weapons they're like
They like
They're trying out for something
And the reason you give it a D
Is the reason I give it a B minus
I think it's great
It's what it's trying to be it's over the top
It's stupid
It's obviously on purpose stupid
When you watch it back
Knowing the things now
Now the first time I saw it I didn't think so
But after seeing the interviews with him
And doing the stuff and you watch it again
It's a buddy cop movie with zombies
It's funny
But it's obliterated
It's just obliterated with zombies
It's stupid
Yes it's supposed to be stupid
A B minus Mike
It's basically slapstick
Oh my god you cannot
Take that as your own
It is used as an insult
For you
You're basically
Slapstick
You don't get to take that for your own
Okay so stop it
The fact that you give Joseph Mard
The movie that made John Carpenter quit directing for a decade
A B minus on our scale makes me sick
That's alright
Anthony please for the love of god
Have a
Straight D
This guy knows
That's what
Gangway again
Alright Austin
Fuck you're gonna be mad Andy
No
I'm gonna give you a B minus as well
I wrote it down last night after I finished it
It's fun
It's so dumb ice cube
If they didn't have ice cube in it
It was just a bunch of normal dudes acting like whatever
The acting is bad
It's what it is
But everything about it
The story and everything
It was just funny to watch
I'm like Jesus Christ what the fuck is gonna happen next
If you want to get stoned and watch a bad movie
I'm not saying it's a good movie
It's perfect to watch
It's what we do
This movie is like the definition of this podcast
We literally have a D plus a B minus a D and a B minus
For fuck's sake comes down to this man
Who broke into my home
And has held us here at gunpoint
This entire time
Please call 911
This man is holding us hostage
Oh please don't
Don't touch me with your licks
I've been doing that all this time
Look at that dirty good things
If you watch this podcast
You guys are gonna love it
It's gonna be on bellbringers.com
And friedrice.com
Friedricepodcast.com
I can't confirm or deny that
No it is but friedricepodcast.com
You can catch us on social
What do you rate this movie Jason?
After knowing your scale
Mostly and not ever watching movies or anything
I did watch this one
And I would have to also say a B minus
Yay
For the simple fact
That it's got ice cube
And I am neither confirming
Or denying
That he's an amazing actor
Who also got me through the 90s
You know
A for Adam
Friedrice
B minus
Fuck
No I need to
Anytime you do that you do something to it
Oh my god stop it
He's putting his fingers in my hand
He's sliding
I am grabbing the fucking joy button
Your
Your hands are soft
I'm just saying
You feel soft
Now
This would be I think the appeal
Of the movie
Last one
We're going to have A high to side
Well no I'm going to
We're going to get the
Hold on one sec
I still don't understand why two people here
Are not high and three of us are
Retarded
Stop you see that
I'm sorry
I forget
Analyzing
Oh shit
Wait wait wait
Stop
But the scale
Is
B through
F and
W being
The worst
Figure it out bud
Figure it out
I wish that was the ding
That for AI to be like
To be like we figured it out
Motherfucker
Under the grading
System where B is the highest
Followed by C4 D3 F2
And W being the worst
Yes with a plus minus
Grade adjusted by a point three points
The median grade of D plus
B minus D
B minus and a B minus is a four point
Seven which corresponds to a
Fucking B minus
Our D's did nothing
Like usual
Fuck am I right
That's the story of my
That's the story of my reading
That's the story of my fucking life
So ghost of ours like most carpenter things
Ends up being my
Not necessarily the right reasons
What a disaster
What a fucking
Well good for you John Carpenter you've rated
Super high
On our scale
He fucking did Michael Myers I don't care I will always
We've done the thing we've done assaults on precinct
13 we've now done ghosts of Mars
Maybe you see now you need to go through and put
What his average on our scale is
There you go
At some point we'll have enough
Episodes to do statistics that you can
Find out how wrong you are
Yeah I am okay
Well didn't he say B minus
Okay well three of us did
Two of us
That doesn't mean
Is the majority always right? Never
Was Hitler right? Is that what you're saying?
No I'm not kidding
If we're doing statistics that it's definitely
Going to be an average of the people
Yeah well we got it B minus and I fucking
Am so mad
Oh I'm sorry yeah we hate B minuses
Oh are we going to tomatoes now?
Well no now we're going to recommend
What did it get on tomatoes though?
Oh yeah it's terrible
It got a 24
And a 25
It's universally hated
Oh you know what the best
Here's the best review
It's stupid
What was it?
It said something about
It falling flat
Despite it being a movie that takes place on a sphere
It falls flat
Something like that
All those people who raised
Bad dialogue, bad acting
Confusing flashbacks and they're more campy than scary
Whatever I don't know
This is supposed to be it's great
This is a John Carpenter movie?
Well it's not one of his best, not by long shot
There's just an image for this one
I'm tempted
Oh shit careful
Oh yeah download that stuff
Next thing you know you got the face in your ass
Is there more than just the
No, that's not a full length
It's all tags
It doesn't even let you click it
Can't even get anywhere near it
Alright I'm down to just get into
Next week's movie
Let's recommend next week's movie
Now am I correct it has to be on Tubi
Yeah that's what we typically do
I just want another one
Yeah yeah just because that's our
That's just the standard we've been doing
It keeps it free for it keeps it accessible
For everybody
Because Tubi's a free awesome
Hopefully sponsor one day
Except when this one comes out
Ghost of Mars will no longer be on Tubi
Yeah because Mike did choose a limited
Limited one
So if you really want to see this
Highly rated by Fried Rice Podcast movie
Ghost of Mars
Directed by John Carpenter
It'll be somewhere
Don't write it will be
So let's get into it
We'll start with you Austin
So this one is called Hobo with the shotgun
Yep
I mean we
There's not much you have to add to it
Just move on
And it's Ruger Hauser
Is that his name? I don't know
When I first saw a trailer for this movie on
YouTube I thought it was a joke trailer
And then years later I'm like wait
It's an actual fucking movie
It's with
Yeah
Rucker Hager
Yeah it looks I mean it's an over the top
Action fucking
Just
Hobo with the shotgun
Guns a Kimbo but an old guy
Alright Anthony
I don't know I didn't do the homework
That's unfortunate
Bring him to the home page
I remember texting you everything you needed to do
I watched the movie I didn't know I had to pick
I did say pick another one that's on Tubi
That's what those shows about
I watched
You're going to have to prove to me that that's not what happened
Mike
Who's prepared
Hardcore Henry
Oh man we're going hard
That's a first person one
It's kind of like yeah watching this
We were talking about
Being a video game and I thought
And it was one of the recommendations on there for it
Man this is good
Is that an actual
Video game by the way I'm not even sure
No it was just a movie
It was just a movie there was never a video game called
Hardcore Henry
It's just a movie
It's a movie about a video game character
Mine is if it's still on here
Battle Royale 2000
You got yours Anthony
Let's watch Doom Runners
You can't just
In a post-apocalyptic world
A group of kids flee from a cruel state
Controlled by a Doom Control
And embarks on a quest to find their new
Doom Runner
This, actually I did see that earlier
And it looks kind of campy and fun
I actually watched
I watched about 15 minutes of it already
I also fucking hate it right
You know what I
I saw it and I was like yeah this looks
This looks 90's it looks
Do you want to pick one?
Yeah it did not keep you occupied
Mine is
Battle Royale are we all familiar with
The concept? Do you know what it is?
It's a wrestling match
No
No not at all
It's Hunger Games before Hunger Games
It's a group of Japanese kids
A freshman class or sophomore class
I think it's freshmen
They get sent to an island
They're just randomly picked out of all the
Classes in Japan
It gets randomly picked
And they all get sent to an island
Where they are
Given a backpack and a weapon of some kind
And they're just put on
An island full of grids
And when the grids
Can blow up you know like if you're wearing a collar
And you'll die if you're in the grid
When the time goes off so they're slowly
Fortniting themselves closer and closer
Like the circle like the radius
Is getting so they're getting closer and closer
And they all have different weapons and when they kill each other
They upgrade basically
It's fucking awesome
It's so good that Kill Bill
References
Or wait
It might be they both reference
The same character but
The iconic like jumpsuit
That one of them wears I think is
There's something
That's a reference to something you killed Bill
I don't want to sound like an idiot and get it wrong
Sounds like a Wild West where they have to have it around their neck
You said?
Well that's what the Blade chasing him down
One of my favorite cinematic movies
That's what a
That's actual slapstick Michael
And I enjoy it quite a bit
But anyway
Battle Royale one of the best movies of all time
Like hands down
Really awesome Hunger Games
Blows it with all the
Talk about district 9
District whatever it doesn't matter
This opens with a bunch of kids waking up in a room
They're given weapons
The rest of it is it's two hours of
Exactly no the rest of it
No no there's plot
I'll give one away in the book
I'll say the book because I read the book
That
I read about half the book I couldn't get through it
It's kind of boring but there's one
If it's in the movie I hope this doesn't ruin it
But there's a couple
That like the high school couple
Who were just together for a while like since 8th grade
Or since 7th grade and they're just like
Fuck it I can't kill you you can't kill me
We're gonna die and they just jump off a cliff
Because they're just like fuck it
You know like it just gets
Dark it's good love it
Super good
Jason? Face?
Yes so
Knowing the thing and I see you typing it in
I originally
Looked at Dutch
I don't know if you guys know
We're gonna look it up right now
Ed O'Neil
Ed O'Neil?
Yeah
Oh there's another movie called Dutch with Ed O'Neil
Are you talking about this one? Action crime drama?
Lance Gross and Jeremy Meeks?
Well I looked at it and I was like that's not the one I was
Thinking of so I went okay
Back up out of there because it's
You gotta do what's on Tubi
So then I looked up
Once Bitten and I was like oh
Yes
Is that Jim Carrey? Well one of his first
Maybe
Remember the shower when they're like that's a classic
And I went well everybody's gonna
Know that one so I
Ended up going back
And not deciding that because I thought okay
Everybody's gonna see that I'm gonna throw some curve ball
At him because again
I'm just here to
I then
Looked up Major League
Which one are you suggesting?
Well because I didn't know
The first one wasn't on there you know Dutch
So I went to this one and I went no you guys
Are all gonna know that so trying to be like
Oh this is a good pick
Well I chose the next
Which was Major League
You want us to do Major League over once Bitten?
No well no because it's not
On Tubi
So then I thought to myself
Well I'm just trying
To be honest like a guy
So then I went okay there's nothing that can beat
That except one and that was
Princess Bride
And that's on
Tubi
If I type this in
There's nothing better than the fucking movie Princess Bride
The Princess Bride
If it's not on here
Oh it's the greatest movie
I'm gonna cut you off you're drunk and I'm gonna
And I'm just gonna go with fucking one spin
Never go up against a Sicilian when death is
Oh that was the best
Holy shit the Goonies is on Tubi
And so when I saw that
Can we wild card the Goonies just for fun?
No that's the one I chose because again once
Drunk and unemployed
In Greenland
Princess Bride greatest movie it's not on there
You motherfucker you're cut off
So I said Goonies
I said the Goonies before you
Alright fine
I'm going to allow it because you got me
Actually you need to get me more high
Well again it's all in front of you
Are we watching Once Bitten? Fuck yeah
That's the best movie ever
Alright look the Goonies that's a tough one
To top alright this has been
Probably the most stacked
Group of movies that have ever gone
I almost am willing
To say fuck it and we let the dice choose
Because
So far we have Hobo with a
Shotgun we have hardcore
Henry both of those great action
Flicks totally outside the horror
Element which I'm okay with for now
Battle Royale
One of the best movies of all time
You guys will love it
Oh god then someone suggested
What was it Doom Patrol? No
Doom Runners
That's really your thing
Man you okay
Well it's not as stacked as I remember
When things are going on I forgot
What you threw in
Fuck alright
And then we have
You said
Hard Graves
We kind of had the Goonies and Once Bitten
Both
Once Bitten was the wild card from my understanding
Because I chose the Goonies
Because I really wanted the Princess Bride
I'm confused
You know what we're throwing Once Bitten in
So here that's the 6 right there
2 4 6
Is that the order right here?
Is this a horse race like in prison?
I was good at horse races
You want to just number those down 1 through 6?
Yeah and then roll the dice on every order
It's going to change everything
No it's your order bud
We're going to randomize this
Oh my god now this is
We both have the same order
Here we go
Fold your paper up
I want my order
Oh they're not going to
Do it survivor style
They don't know anyway
I got my choice
Anthony number it
Here put one in both hands
Anthony pick a hand
Don't match mine too much
I need to read it
I'm not going to match the words
I'm listening to amateur show
Telling them what to do
Heart attack
That's why you have a heart attack
You're fucking right
Oh wow
If you're shaking it more twice
I'm going to put my hand in my dad's hand
They're in one of my hands
Now Jason you pick one of those two gentlemen to pick
Who's going to pick which hand?
Oh because he brought me up here and everything
He's already a star let's go with the other guy
Well I'm just saying I wouldn't have
Left
It is in my left hand
Now choose who in the room besides yourself is going to pick
Besides my hand
Choose which one of them is going to choose
Which one of ours is going to be
Remember I picked you
Austin
So what am I doing?
Yellow or white
Wow that's pretty good
So your list is the number
Good it's fucking your show
Should I randomize the numbers?
No just go down the list
Just go down the list it's his list
We picked it fair and square
Well give it to me I can read I don't need my glasses yet
Four oh I see five
Oh don't put them in your order make sure it's down the list
It is it's in the order they're written on here
Okay
Now you need dice
And now somebody else take the numbers
You take the numbers
Alright so
They're written
Oh okay so
Number one is the hobo showgun
Number two is Hancock Henry
Three is Battle Royale
Four is Duran
So if it's a five or six
It's the fucking weird
It's the choice now
Okay
Give me a dice
Roll
A D6
Make it
Wait
Make it super
Dramatic
Two out
Two out of three
Fuck it
I need to smoke more man
I need to
Let's see what we get at the ultimate one
Wait let's take another guess
Yeah let's go real quick
I'm analyzing
Anthony read it read even quiet this whole time
You want to read it out
Oh yeah read okay wait let's go
Alright let's start with you we're working our way around
Anthony start this shit
I'm so scared
The first dice rolls tumbling across
The table clattering with
Suspense it lands on a
Five
Alright Austin
The second roll the dice spins
Energetically bouncing off the edges
It settles on a four
That is Doom
Patrol Jason
What am I reading I can't
Fuck that's so little
Finally the third roll
The dice twists and turns
And is deciding
It's fate it comes to rest
Showing a uno
The outcome of the rolls
Are five four and one
For the best two out of three we consider
The rolls five and four
Okay
What's the goonies are do
Maiden
Okay so between them
Give
Me a winner
I don't know what that means
Can I spell it wrong
I don't know
View analysis
Between the two highest rolls
Which are five and four the winner is the roll of
Five
That's the goonies
That's the goonies baby
I like that
I like that I like that but
Just give me a D6 roll and see what happens
Because I think we fucked with it
We fucked with it with the one two three thing
But I will say the first thing it landed on was a five
You know what it was a five
Was the first roll
I don't know how you guys play your games
Do it again you get two
That's a random one
What's number three
I mean that's pretty good
Wait a minute
Thought for me
Like the very first roll ever
Prevents it in this GBT
If you were to do that the very first roll ever
You're absolutely right not only does it say
It lands on a five it also says
Down here it says five and the sponsor is here
And he's pulling his swag
We might not have another show if I don't
Go with the first one
I mean I'm just saying if I was to be Donald Trump
Yeah yeah yeah
Great so we're going with five which as you said the goonies
The goonies my original pick
You know what Ashley I'm not going to fight anymore
The goonies is wonderful
I don't even have to watch it
I am going to gladly watch it
And do research
Can we do the German night
I'll give you my granddaughter
Oh yeah I love that too
Oh no you're a list it's right here sir
I am your secretary
Oh my god if you were my secretary
Oh you're it? Yeah
It's hot by the way
No it's not actually
That's what's cool about the hellstone too
Another plug for the hellstone
It's a good name the hellstone
Well again you get four or five
Dabs out of it for one
It really does not get
Hot I literally just took a dab and I'm holding it
I can pull it out like it's
Legitimate whoops it got wax everywhere
And I apologize it's all over your hand
But I can What? Yeah
Well I didn't mean to My hand?
Well yes listen don't be
Like that so when I pulled it out
See look the wax comes down
I just was showing everybody that I
Was actually touching it because again
No other dab can you do
That with that's why you got that huge ass torch
This one you can touch right after
It's not hot and I was just presenting
That instead of letting it go down into your
I apologize so pulling it out
Showed it but it got wax all
Over your hand Yeah like I said
I'm not meaning it but that's great I don't think it did
Pulled it out and dribbled on your hand so I don't think it did
Beautiful okay outside yeah
Yeah because I saw it drip down like it is
Here so the hellstone drips down normally
Into a You're not making it better
Over describing is not the way
To go here I think
I mean if you're fucking with me
You're doing an excellent job
Because I seriously don't see any wax
On me it would have been right
There okay well then good
I wasn't awesome
Alright so we're gonna watch the Goonies
That's a fun one
That's a great movie I like the Goonies
How many times have you seen them?
Oh dude we were there was a time where I
Lived in an apartment when I was a kid
And we didn't have like internet or cable or anything
We just had a few movies we had Mean Girls
Crank 2 high voltage
The Goonies
Notorious
The Biggie Smalls maybe
And a few other ones I've since forgotten
And so yeah I've seen Goonies a lot
Anthony the big Goonies guy
Who isn't
I don't know
He kind of looks like
What's his name Sloth?
Wow thanks for that reference because he was the
Greatest character in there he could have killed everybody but didn't
That's the vibe I've been getting
From the news
And she walked into his house
Right now Andy looks like Mama Fratelli
Ah
He's got that knitted hat on
That's a Mama Fratelli
That's it
Go up there and get it
Oh from the Goonies
Okay I didn't know her name
I didn't know her name
I didn't know her name was Mama Fratelli
I guess I haven't seen it as many times
Axl Rose played Mama Fratelli
Axl Rose
Axl Rose from 40 years later
That actress was in Scrooge
The oldest one where she has a knitted hat
Like you've got on right now
Oh Scrooge is such a good movie
Man we should have done Scrooge
Wait Scrooge?
With Bill Murray yeah yeah
Can we make yours Christmas one?
Oh but nothing beats the Goonies I mean
Other than Princess Bride
Is Goonies a Christmas movie?
Absolutely it's a movie every movie
You gotta call him the dolly llama
It's not anything to do with Christmas
No as he said it literally
It's one of those movies you watch over and over and over
Doesn't matter what year, time, season
It always works
Are you talking about that time you kissed that boy?
The dolly llama?
No the guy that argued with you
About whether Die Hard was a Christmas movie
For 15 minutes
I forgot your friend
Wasn't there a weird scandal where the dolly llama
Forced the 10 year old boy to come up on stage
With his tongue sucked his tongue
Come suck my tongue kid
In front of a whole audience full of people
And everyone's like
It's the dolly llama go suck his tongue
That guy's not my friend his name's Dustin Lama
We just call him dolly llama
Which I'm going to stop doing now
What a weird
I don't know what he means to what religion
So whatever that religion is
Rethink your choices I think
Well if you're Catholic you'll suck something else
Why is this thing always going to get you?
Well it doesn't
Organically
I think this has been an overwhelming half naked presence
So that makes a difference
Trying to get three quarters naked the whole time
Trying to get all the way naked up to my ball hair
It's a bush
I think I would blow my brains out tonight
If I had to sleep in the living room
Where your bare ass was on my couch
Never bare ass
I will go with my bush
So I sleep the
Your bush is going to cushion
Wait you have enough ass bush or enough bush bush
What do you call that the bat cave?
It's a little down under
Do you shake your shit bro?
No I hate everything about this
We're shutting it down
With Anthony here
With Austin here
With you here we're not going down
A pubic fucking butt hole
Still talking about it
Added out
Lost control
I've lost everything
My dignity
My fucking
All of my left
If only I was bald right now we'd be doing freaking bad cosplay
That's who it'd be
Who's Walter who's Jesse who's
Third gap
Yeah god you all look like criminals
You two are definitely the muscle
You're the guy that shows up
To intimidate people
You're the guy that's like
Hey listen you pay me
Jason doesn't hang out here
You know what I mean
But the thing is you're just over there
Playing the arcade machine but you're humping it
Singing the Andy Griffith song
I like that
I liked the Andy Griffith show
A little bit
Because his name was Andy
And I was a kid
And I was like I can relate
To some degree with a man
Who's good and virtuous and named Andy
Then I grew up
And I stopped relating
With the good and virtuous
Andy Griffith
Andy Rice right
Interesting play into that
They are the same name
Wholesome
There's not a lot of famous Andys
Other than the monsters like
Dick
Gallifinakis
Dick Rice
Who's the other one? Who's Andy
Warhol
Who's the fat kid
Who's the eternal looks like a kid
Like a fat chunky kid the whole time
Milonakis
Warhol
He's a freak
There's Andrews too
Andrew Dice play
I want to do a spin if I ever did an HBO special
It would be called Andrew Rice play
Or something like that
I gave you the name
Andy Rice play
I still want him to do an Andy Rice play
And do it
And I want him to just go on YouTube and just throw a potter
He wants me to take it
To the most slapstick level
There's ever been
On a play on words
But no no no
If I were to do that it would have to be
The same way
I'm sorry
I'm back home bro
I can't hold that one in dude
That's all just worse
This guy's being your bare ass
It's like your bare ass heard the idea
Of exposing the sides of my
Fabric and got excited
Let's launch some fucking scouts out
Check out the area
Pepper the battlefield gentlemen
Maybe call for the Penisaurus Rex
One of those smarts
The Penisaurus Rex
Is a great name for your penis
I have no objections to that
What so ever
Cause mine feels extinct
Mine's like the little one that spits
It has a frilled neck
Mine is
AHHHH
Mine's like a T-Rex
And it gets in their eye and they start screaming
And they're boogin around inside the car
And they're usually overweight
And they're banging around inside the car
It's in my eyes
Mine's the copies from Jurassic Park
You can handle one but
You get a group of them together dude
Pssss
What are you doing little fella
You're not as big as your cousins are you
Mike's
Someone is still blowing dirt
Off of the fossil
Somewhere in the desert
Hey listen buying was a good thing you got this
I don't know why we're talking about this
Let's get back to movies
You said Penisaurus Rex
And I loved it
What do you mean guys
Mike's like I'm a velocipaster
I'm questioning all my life choices
At this point
What is a
Dad joke what's a pirate's favorite
Letter
You'd think so
But it'd be in a C
Andy did you hear that
What is a movie called Velocipaster
Velocipaster
Is it on there
I don't know if it's on Tubi but
I'm still watching
I don't know what's going on
I'm scared
Oh yeah yeah yeah I was just typing in
Velociraptor because why wouldn't I
It's on Tubi
Yes
It stars oh Greg Cohen
Too bad that's not the movie
Alright
Who's this motherfucker
Well okay his name is
He just goes he's a Madonna type
He calls himself Voltaire
Sounds about right
He looks cool
He looks rock and roll
Goth whatever
It's a wish Chris Angel
It's a wish
I was going to say
It's a wish version of
What's his
God who
Any fans of the remake of
What's that movie with
Vampire Moves In Next Door Fear Street
No that's the Goosebumps
sequel
Vampire Moves In Next Door there was an 80's one
Then they did a
Remake with Colin Farrell
It's one of the best
The original it's like
This dude's next he's a vampire
Maybe stretch
I would have told you
I don't even know the movie
Do you have anything to drink here
I can't remember the name but Chris Sarandon was the vampire
Do you guys have things to drink also
Do you want a bottle of water
Chocolate milk
That's what I specifically requested in my writer
He didn't tell me
Fright Night
Well there's two
The Colin Farrell Fright Night
Is awesome
There's a scene where
Where he
So they're like oh you can't
Get into the house right because it's
Boarded off then they
Haven't invited him in so he's like
So he gets fucking mad runs around
In the back and just starts ripping out
Chunks of ground finds their gas
Main line and rips it out of the ground
Exposes it lights it on
Fire the fire goes into the fucking
Place out through the fire it lights their house
On fire and then they have to escape in
The garage and like get into the car
Drive off and he's chasing him down like
T1000 like style
It's fucking awesome it's a cool movie
And it's got Anton Yelchin
RIP one of my favorite young actors
And he died unfortunately
In a freak
Car accident and it
Really sucks he was great I loved
Him in Star Trek I loved him in this
He was odd Thomas I could have done with a couple
More of those movies like
He's cool Alpha Dog
He's great it's a good movie
That's with Justin Timberlake yeah
Did you smoke cigarettes in here?
Oh shit
When do I smoke cigarettes at oh did somebody
Spoke on that's disrespect
Yeah
I don't know
That was my
Get ready for work
We're about to wrap up
You can smoke and just let's finish this up
I don't know how long it goes
For a smoker I don't know how
Heavy you are but for that's two hours you didn't
Say a fuck a word that's pretty good you're welcome
Yeah so I appreciate that I love your podcast
Thank you I watch it like a stalker
Everyone have a good time?
I love this fucking much my favorite day of the week
Every week
The stuff I couldn't take my pants off
Is anyone else pissed off
Jason couldn't take his pants off
No then I think we're okay
Who's with me guys come on
I'm not gonna freak out
Come on Dan
Well this is
Well we should be smoking on the way out here
Do you want to do your job sponsor man?
Again I wow I didn't know
I had a job to do other than sponsor you
Didn't you say the whole time my job
It's like my job back here I did but you guys
Kept making me talk so I'm not doing
Double duties unless I get paid by my own sponsorship
Because we were I respected
Your fucking opinion for once
Oh I'm sorry I'm not that guy
I'm very opinionated
These are called Hell stones
Aqua lab technologies
Have you ever thought about cosplaying a little
Lurch from the Adams family
I could do anything that revolves
Around a character of some sort
It's got a gothic vibe
Whatever you want me to do I don't know what your podcast
Is about but I guess I'll try anything once
Yeah let's get you what's it called
One more time
Death stones
Hell stones
H-E-A-L-T-H
However you spell health and then S-T-O-N-E-S
Health stones?
Health
Like I have a good health
Oh this whole time?
Health stones bro
I was so on board
For this dab
For this dab rig thing to be fucking called
A hell stone I was thinking brimstone
And hell fire on the packaging
I was on board
No I'm godly protected and divinely guided
So I don't know if what you guys
I'm sorry I'll call it
Whatever you want man it's your podcast
I don't want to be hostage anymore
Will you guys make me not wear a shirt
Like I want to please have my pants off too
But no that's not acceptable
Shirt fine I'm literally getting more
Of my sweat and back fat all over his fabric
Than my ass ever would have
It's shade
Not to say anything
I just don't know what to do
Other than get you high and I'm sitting here waiting
Let's see if it'll do it
Sometimes it says fuck this shit
Because it has to do with weed
Suck up something or two until you get wet in your mouth
Go go go go yes
Yep I know it's a real quick shot
It's almost like a shot of liquor
It does not taste great
You can taste the fucking dab
I will say this ladies and gentlemen
The health stones
Otherwise known as hell stones if you're real fucking
Aqua lab technologies
Oh that's cool
Just for fun
I said make us a product imaging
You can tweak it
No because it's wrong
Fuck your GPI shit I'm real
I'm just saying
Whatever this ATV is
I just know that my shit is real
That's not cool packaging
I'll buy one of those
I wouldn't because of the packaging it's like weird
It's so much in there
Oh are you guys Stallonians
What are you doing taking my water
I'm like Howie Mandel
I don't want you touching my stuff
He's grabbing my finger my water
Putting his hand in front of me
Andrew leave him alone
Jesus like I know what you're showing bro what do you want me to do
Wait what I need to do is go to YouTube
Get some fucking closing music
This is out of control
Find the right way to yell at Anthony
For coming on the podcast and not saying a fucking word
Not speaking
Who's Andy
Oh Anthony who was that
Oh he's never quiet
No he's quiet on every time we record him
That's just what we record
I'm like Bigfoot you can't take a photo of me
You can't record him
I can't hear you at all right
You've had some good zingers today but
But you've been very quiet
You're a very shy person in real life
Wow he seems like a fucking outgoing person with that shirt
He's yelling
He's a different personality on stage
A food jeep
Smoking mirrors man
Like motherfucking Hawaiian shirt baby
I have to pretend to be personable up there
I would totally wear a Hawaiian shirt too
And I would fucking do a
I feel
Haka
Isn't that
Is that Hawaiian or is that
Polynesian
I thought this was a radio show
That would be like
When I was in New Zealand they did it before the game
You have been to fucking New Zealand
I lived on an island near there
He has a lot of great stories
And we didn't hear any
He's the most interesting person
The most interesting person here
He's fucking trying to say
Look at me I personally took my shirt off so you wouldn't look at me
World traveler
Oh should he read the Goonies
Movie description in some other language
It doesn't matter if you don't speak
The language
Anthony
You want to read the tag line
This would be a lot
Russian
Don't know
You don't think you can translate
The Goonies tag line
I'll read it as Pat Butcher
Mr. Haney
I don't know
There it is
Yeah there it is Goonies Never Die
Looks like
Can you yell that out
As I play some music
What do we want to do
I said another language
He knows like five or some shit
You chose Spanish? You want to read to Spanish?
He knows Spanish
Why not do a Polynesian one
Tag along
I'll do it in a weird voice or something
Do it however you want to
What about a
Just like a
Just conversation stuff
How are you? What's your name?
Get back in the closet, quit crying
I know we're at two hours right now
But I feel like
There might be a little bit of editing
Why do you look at me when you say that
I don't know
Like I'm the sponsor bro
What do you even have in mind
And it's only because of your looks and touching me
That I even talk
Notice that
I'm going to play this music and we're going to get the fuck out of here
Alright
I feel like the brakes on your car
Right
Amazing
To be honest this is
Turn that off before you summon ghosts
I'm getting worried, this is voodoo
This is voodoo, I didn't sign up for it
No, that was what you guys were just talking about
Not even close bud
That is a black gentleman, the Polynesians
We're Native American
It's a haka, H-A-K-A-K-A-K
Look, we're just going to do what I like
It's a haku
Some synthwave, it's always chill
And I'll do a shout out
This is to
Whitebad Audio posted it
We're listening to something called Endless Night
It's chill
We'll end on this note I guess.
God, hey so listen, listeners at home.
I, this is hands down the most off the rails.
You know what? Fuck it.
This was cool. I had fun.
Just be chill man, that's the whole point.
It was, I mean I'm high off my ass I think and my throat will never recover.
Bell Ringer himself came into my house and rung my bell repeatedly, over and over and over and over again.
That's what I do.
Man, you haven't even done a bell ringer yet by the way.
Just for record, you've literally just started the warm up.
We started this up with the, oh you want to do the triple dab bell ringer system.
Eventually, once you build up to it, I'm sure we'll have more episodes of me on here it sounds like.
You know wait, hold on.
Because we didn't even do the bell ringer. You didn't even do a triple anything.
Load it up. Load it up.
I don't know if we can anymore, we've smoked so much bud.
Okay, well then fuck it.
I don't know what to do.
Next episode, I'll see you guys next Saturday at Bell Hapny.
Next time I'm wearing shorts.
Well you can't take my shorts off, I don't care. They'll be at least not pants.
Okay, but you better not show dick.
No, why, why do you always have a dick?
Why would I man, yeah, yeah.
Listen, Boston, do I not, always not wear a shirt?
Do you not?
He's part guy shirt incarnate.
He's always known me as to not wear shirt.
Every picture I've seen of you has been shirtless.
Thank you, like I'm not trying to.
He goes by face, but it's really chest.
Hey, some are like, look at that big old belly.
Did you have fun Jason?
I had an enjoyable time. I wish we could have gotten to the actual bell ringer as part of it.
But, well, next episode. I'll see you guys back Saturday.
Yeah, we'll work our way up to that.
Well, obviously we're trying because nobody made it past the first level.
Well, level one.
We need Brennan here.
Is the first level of Elden Ring.
The controllers you gave me were the Donkey Kong Bongo set
and a Dance Dance Revolution pad.
And you told me to do it blindfold.
Well, thanks, Dan.
Oh, even Grandpa knows that that was awesome.
Thanks Captain Dan for your service.
With me, this has been, with me as always,
has been Jason.
The bell ringer himself, an unchained monster.
Someone must have made him in a lab.
I don't know, I'd say 40 years ago.
Forty-five years ago.
And they injected him with some sort of, yeah, fine, love.
We'll call it love.
But one of the, one of the,
We'll also call it hobo juice.
Hey, I call it soup kitchen when you got more than one of your pets.
This guy's been off the chains.
It's been, he's disarmed me at every, every opportunity.
I am, destroyed my level of comfort.
Shafer.
And we just started, we'll be next Saturday.
We have his accomplice.
The man who brought him here.
Yes, Austin, that Dan Tux.
The wheel man, you could say, to this crime.
Invasion.
Austin.
He will drive any amount of distance to beat at for some reason,
this podcast and I love it.
And he's the man that's helping us out on social.
Feral.
Goonies, let's go.
Yes, goonies.
That's awesome.
With me as always is Anthony, the most interesting man here.
He's done a bunch of shit.
Hasn't said a fucking word.
That's what the most interesting man does.
You've heard the commercials.
Man, what a quiet son of a bitch.
Because he lives it.
But hey, listen, if this is, you know what, we probably just got
really fucking high in the beginning, just blowing smoke into his face.
You're welcome.
This whole time.
You're welcome.
But, oh no, but you don't smoke.
Yeah, because you have more than smoke.
Oh, because you're definitely a fireman.
No, but he was behind the glass shield that makes him impenetrable to the smoke.
I, of course, am just kidding because he has a job and a family to support
and blah, blah, blah.
Mitchell.
Thank you.
Great to be here.
I wasn't going to sign it, but.
We're all monsters a little bit today.
With us, as always, is literally a legit on video attempt at murder of Mike today.
Mike, we gave him a shitload of joints.
We gave him a damn.
I'm surprised he's still awake.
Yeah, and he's.
I'm surprised I'm still awake.
Maybe he doesn't make it.
You know, you might see him next week.
You might not.
Although it will be the first time I will have seen the goodies.
Wait, what?
Never seen it.
What the fuck is going on?
Record scratch.
I stayed down all the way to the end.
One, kill him.
Kill him now.
Saving next to the end.
Do it.
You've never seen it.
Do it.
Well, that's the story.
Yeah, it's going to be fun.
I need it.
Can we all watch it together then with him?
That would be the most amazing.
Well, we're working with formats to maybe do some live watch stuff because that would
be cool.
I'm just watching.
Watch me watch the goodies.
My God, yes.
You have never fucking seen the goodies and I swear to God.
Oh man, live reaction to the goodies.
Never seen the goodies.
Oh my God, you're missing.
Oh, it's so great.
And if you don't think of it.
Oh shit.
We're going to do goodies next week.
Mike, you.
Is it appropriate for my granddaughter?
Yes.
Yes?
Oh, absolutely.
You better not give it a bad fucking rating.
Listen, I swear.
If you come in with a D minus for the goodies.
No, I'm watching my granddaughter.
I'll see.
I don't know.
Okay.
It is totally great for fans.
Oh, by the way.
I'm going to be like, it was too slapstick.
I didn't like it.
Oh no.
Speaking of whether you have children, whether you don't, whether you have like a niece or
nephew, whatever.
We always have millions, all of us.
What's a movie that you would love to watch with them and have them experience it from
your point of view from when you saw it when you were a child?
Like what's that one movie that like would that really capture the nostalgia?
With that question, please go to friedricepodcast.com and on the bottom of we have our number and
it is 702-829-0117.
That is the question for the week.
It is what movie brings you that nostalgic love that you would like to share with our
younger audience and maybe like the parents out there, they're looking for suggestions
of like what captures that like that spirit of that nostalgia I'm looking for from when
I was a kid that made me fall in love with movies maybe, whatever.
Made me fall in love with a certain type of fandom, whatever.
You know, give us that.
702-829-0117 or friedricepodcast.com.
It's on the bottom there.
So anyway, and with that, I've been your host, Andy Rice.
This has been Fried Rice Podcast.
The most fried and unhinged.
I'm going to cut that out specifically.
I'm marking that down.
The greatest part of it all.
No, no, no, no, stop.
Stop.
Wait, wait, wait.
No one knows.
Wait, wait, no.
That's great.
Everybody, just for one fucking second.
We did a comedy show and we paid money to make it like a special, to have it like filmed
professionally.
It was on a real stage.
Everything was great.
I was doing not my greatest.
I didn't have that good of a set.
And Anthony, that's hurtful.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
Anthony was directly behind the curtain.
No.
If I had taken two steps back, I would have bumped into him preparing.
And my joke bumps.
And he does not have a cricket goal.
It broke me in a way that nothing else has ever in my life on stage.
I had a man just streaming at me once in Oakland and I was able to turn that into just a beautiful
opportunity.
But this destroyed me.
Oh, it's haunted.
I didn't do it on purpose.
Oh yeah, you did it on purpose.
Listen, you can't not do that on purpose.
It was now haunted.
It destroyed me.
Hey, can we get something to eat?
Is that part of the podcast?
I'm so fat.
I'm hungry, bro.
You showed up with tacos.
Did you not?
And I tried to eat them throughout the show.
Two hours.
I can't eat every two hours.
No, every 20 minutes.
I'm a giant.
6'6", 2.90.
What can I say?
He is a giant.
I'm not meaning to be.
That's why earlier I was like, I'm not going to eat.
I'm not going to eat.
I'm going to eat.
None of the spies said, look at these sleeper agents.
What do you say?
Should I add, pass the salt?
And he's like, I'll meet you at the library.
I don't know what you're talking about.
La Biblioteca.
Oh fuck, I've just been activated.
The crow flies with fitment.
Ah, the sand.
Yes, activation.
All right, well that was fun.
Well, no, and then you've.
Wait, what?
I already ended it.
And then.
Oh no, fuck, I hate that shit.
Fuck you, I hate it.
I hate it, no, we're done, we're done.
I'm ending this, bye.
Just keep doing.
I'm ending this, bye.