Oh yes, what was it you said to me before?
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucka?
And welcome to the season finale of what according to Spotify is Kaylee Mitchner's favorite podcast,
Fried Rice Podcast.
I'm your host Andy Rice, let's get fried.
That took a lot out of me.
With me as always is Sean.
If his name was Matthew, he would have died alone in a hot tub, Perry.
It's Michael, lucky to be a live slapstick, Larson.
Hey everybody.
We have Jesse, the audio manly heart.
Oh God, that was a bad one.
Audio manly heart though, that's fun.
We have, usually it's better if I do this, we still got the music going, blah blah blah,
and then we have Brennan, da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da
da, Shipley out to Boston.
Hello everybody.
We have Jeremy, probably going to be my brother-in-law at some point in my life, and he likes to
give hugs, Rigden.
We have Audrey, who will be the first to remind you that one time I smacked her because she
interrupted a TV show I was watching.
I have two sisters, she's clearly my favorite, Rice.
One hundred percent favorite, how's it going guys?
We have Tomas, is it his real name, Collins.
We have the Dolly, dusted llama.
Peace be with you brothers.
We have, oh shit, no it's just water, don't worry about it.
We have Jess, who honestly has made my life out in Arizona just feel more welcome because
she's such a sweet and open person, and she gave us a home for comedy, and we're going
to have Fried Rice podcast at the place that she runs, and she's so sweet and so cool,
and she's amazing.
Terry!
Those are all lies.
We have John, Papa John.
I feel dirty saying it because I work for the enemy, Conaghy.
What up?
And we have, he drove three hours to be here ladies and gentlemen, let's give him a little
applause.
It's Austin, he seems quite tame, but he's really feral.
I was going to say I regret coming here, but that was a good one, thank you.
Awesome.
And I'm your host, Andy Rice, let's get fried.
Oh, okay.
That's the longest intro ever.
I'm done.
You're very red.
Yeah, I'm always very red.
You're very flush.
That was a lot of emoting you just did.
I'm proud of you sir.
In my mind that went better, like before, like when I was practicing.
Like when you were thinking about it.
Yeah, that's alright.
So your sister traveled five hours to get here, right?
No honorable mention of that one, huh?
Five hours, he's three hours.
I would say I put more, no offense to Austin here, but I just named something Austin did
and like a geographical like fact about him.
I dug deep for some reason.
But then went impressive.
You said it was impressive with Austin that he did such things.
And then we clapped.
Are you not impressed?
We actually clapped for Austin.
Yeah.
Okay, everybody give it up for Audrey!
Alright!
Okay.
Way to pander, dude.
So this is the season finale and I overbooked like a mother.
How many people are here?
Twelve.
Thirteen.
Twelve.
Twelve people.
That doesn't happen in that shit.
I said I wasn't going to be sacrilegious.
I started this off saying I wasn't going to be sacrilegious, but these are disciples in
the way of the cult, not in the way of...
How about recyples or rice-ypels?
Hold on.
How can we turn...
Dis-riples?
Oh, there's got to be a way to turn this into a thing where you guys are my followers, but
it doesn't matter.
I don't believe in God, so...
Rice babies.
Rice...
Yeah, we have rice presidents.
We have...
Oh God, rice principals.
But we're just reusing Vysel.
Rice cops.
Miami rice.
Audrey, your legacy to this, you're just like you've Godfathered in or whatever.
You're just part of the family.
Yeah, cool.
Do you feel good?
Yeah, but she really is the rice.
Do you guys not have a mic?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I'm holding it.
Yeah, it's that whole thing where we have to share it because you didn't tell me in
time.
Yeah, cool.
I'm not comfortable with it because I feel like I need to get the nerves off.
Let's go into what are we smoking?
So if you brought something here, let's get into it.
Sean, what did you bring?
I got it right here.
Hold on.
I got to follow up.
Is that what it's called?
It's not McDonald's.
It's called Boston Runts.
It's from Story in Havasu.
You want to know about it?
Just like the TNT.
It's 15.12%.
Just give us the percent even though we don't care.
15 even though it means nothing?
It means yeah, nothing.
I don't know.
I'm not much of like a...
I'm like the guy from fucking Grandma's Boy.
I don't really care about that.
As long as it's good, it tastes good.
I've shouted him out so many times because he was such an integral part of my teens and
probably 20s or whatever.
But Grant, if you're listening, my pot dealer from back in the day, you're...
Look what you've created.
It was a Grandma's Boy situation.
I would go to his house.
He had a little man cave.
We'd go in the back.
He'd be like, it's this much for an eighth.
I would buy...
Yeah, the bling, the bling, bling, the Frankenstein shit.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
He would...
And then we would just smoke.
And then it was also pineapple espresso because he liked me.
So I didn't get the snickle fritz.
I got the good stuff.
And we would sit there.
We would smoke together.
And I would see people come in and I would see him kick them out.
He would shame them for being pill heads.
And then he would just give them a little pound and then they'd bounce.
And then I'm like, all right, I should go.
And he'd be like, no, just hang out.
I got to know his wife, his kids.
I think his kids would know me by name maybe if I met them right now as like their teens.
Is that weirdo, Andy?
He's just hanging out with my dad in the basement.
Stopped us from spending quality time with him and potentially got him into high felonious
crimes.
I'm imagining basement.
Yeah.
My dad, he went to that room all the time with all those strangers all the time.
Here it's all garages.
Yeah.
We have customers who go there and always meet them in the garage.
Yeah.
Out here there's a lot of garage meets.
It's a thing.
A lot of garage meet, yeah.
Yeah.
So let's, okay.
So we got Sean's, Mike, who else brought something?
Oh, Brendan, you brought the one we're smoking now.
Yeah.
What are we smoking now?
It's actually.
This one is a sativa.
It's a clementine.
Thank you for the sativa.
Yeah.
I brought it for Mike.
Yeah.
This one is 30% THC.
But yeah, I mean, that's all I guess we're talking about.
But it's pretty good.
I picked it up Wednesday morning.
Yeah.
It's what we just smoked right now.
It's delicious.
Yeah.
It's what we just smoked right now.
It's delicious.
That's great.
And I'm, I'm feeling sativa eat high, I guess.
What did you guys bring?
Oreos.
We brought some Oreos from Pomona, California.
The STZY.
It's a 36%.
I'm glad you brought a Pomona.
That's one of my notes later for Die Hard.
When they talk shit about Pomona.
Pomona!
You're staying in Pomona?
Pomona?
I'm like, bitch, I grew up on a bordering city of Pomona.
I grew up on a bordering city of Pomona.
You're staying in Pomona.
Pomona.
You're staying in Pomona.
I grew up on a bordering city of Pomona.
Not that we know what movie we're talking about yet.
No, not yet.
Shit.
I'm bad at this.
What did you bring?
Blue and green, and it's at 36.5%.
Yeah.
I'm sure that'll capture somewhere.
Yeah.
You got a joint roll of that.
And yeah, sativa dominant.
Yeah, absolutely.
And you rolled a joint with it.
Old school.
He rolled it himself, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
And you rolled a joint with it.
Old school.
And you rolled a joint with it.
And you rolled it himself, ladies and gentlemen.
We don't get that a lot.
We get a lot of pre-roll, but.
Yeah, I even have my reading glasses on, too.
That was great.
Dolly Llama.
I guess I'm calling you that from now on.
Your name is Dustin Llama.
Yeah.
How many people call you the Dolly Llama?
Well, so believe it or not, in elementary school, I got made fun of a lot with that
last name, and it wasn't even a cool last name until high school.
Okay.
I don't know what it was.
I can't relate.
My last name is Rice.
No one's ever made fun of me.
Yeah.
Never.
No, I mean, no.
All the time.
I mean, seriously, kids are so mean in elementary school, bro.
And then you get to high school, and people are like, oh, shit, like the Dolly Llama.
Or like, oh, bro, I love llamas.
You know?
Was his name Carl?
Oh, my dad's name was Carl.
His name Carl.
No, no, that's a real thing.
My dad's name was Carl.
But.
But anywho.
Yeah, what'd you bring?
So I brought Back to the Future.
Yeah, I'm not even kidding.
And it is 28 percent THC.
And on top of that, Marty McFly might have sold me a little bit on the side, too.
Just saying.
I don't know what that means, but I like the way you said it.
Yeah, you don't have to know what it means.
It's a secret.
It's like hippie meets.
It's hippie Jesus.
Guru meets.
Yeah, hippie Jesus is a good way.
Maybe we're your maybe you're the ones we should follow.
I mean, hey, man, prophets come in many different shapes and sizes.
He reminds me of like a diet.
Duncan Trussell.
Oh, cool.
I don't know what that is.
I can see that.
What is that?
Well, yeah, you sound like him a little bit.
Yeah, he's cool.
He's a good, he's a good guy.
Yeah, but.
Cool.
Your real zen dude.
What did you bring, John?
I just brought a pre-roll.
It was only I have no idea what it is, but it's a 19 percent THC.
Just sitting there.
Anybody wants to use it?
Yeah, great.
We're going to light up some pre-rolls right now.
Austin.
I didn't bring any weed, but.
Oh, you're one of our most favorite warm, welcoming.
Yeah.
Yeah, pillar of our community, just Terry and I just insulted.
You didn't even name skip.
What?
I did.
I just went straight to John.
Mine is something you can actually make fun of.
What?
It's pumpkin spice.
Oh, yeah, it's an M fuse, which is just a great brand.
I'm glad you all wait silently for this.
You inhaled the pumpkin spice.
Does it taste like pumpkin spice?
I'm beginning to think that my lack of smell is affecting my taste buds because I didn't
taste shit.
And I'm sure that that's very strongly pumpkin spice and I can't taste anything.
It's very pumpkin spice.
Oh, yeah, it's very pumpkin spice, man.
It tastes like a candle with smells.
Okay.
I don't know.
I don't.
That's you with your nose.
It's a smell.
I can't smell.
So that is kind of ableist language you're using right then.
But whatever, I'll let it slide.
Okay.
So and then I brought.
Oh, wait.
What did you bring?
I brought two guys that brought weed.
I don't smoke.
So like just hearing the percentages keep going up was giving me anxiety on its own.
Yeah, yeah, it went up and went down.
It's like if we made a graph, someone in the comments, leave a graph of the percentages
and who brought what name who's a better friend.
And what was the edible we had?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
So then I bought these pucks is what it's called.
And it's rainier cherry flavored.
And I think the consensus is we all enjoy very good.
Very good.
Very tasty.
I got them in jars.
I got a jar all the time.
So fun story about jars.
Yesterday, I was standing in jars waiting to ask to see if we could sell sell some treats
out in front to raise money for charity.
And as I'm standing there, I get a text message.
Are you coming?
So I'm in this weed shop.
I am looking to raise money for charity.
I'm like, I say, coming to what?
They go to the awards banquet.
This is 11 o'clock yesterday.
1102.
The awards banquet started at 11.
And I go, Sure, I'm on my way.
I have no idea what I'm going to.
So it's the awards for the Realtor Association.
And they wanted me there specifically, because I was winning an award.
I did not know.
But I ended up winning humanitarian of the year as I'm finding out while I'm standing
in a pot shop.
It was just funny.
It was a pot shop.
It was at jars.
So John, what I liked about that story was, oh, speaking of jars, I won humanitarian.
Just happened to hear it out of jars.
It's like I feel like I feel as if I said I went to that new cow ranch yesterday, that
new store that opened.
You know, speaking of cow ranch.
I was in a cow ranch and I got this call saying that I had won humanitarian of the year award
at my local city.
I love it.
No, but you are a pillar of the community.
I was trying to raise money.
I thought it was appropriate.
But then you brought jars back.
No, I love it.
Here we are.
Full circle.
Don't apologize for being you.
You're amazing.
You brought so much food.
Like so much pizza.
Like.
I had a pizza.
From the superior pizza place.
I had a pizza, baby.
I'm disclosing.
Superior pizza.
In case they want to see it.
I had a pizza.
In case they want to sponsor us.
I wonder if I did that.
I wonder if I.
Sponsor is Andrew.
Didn't say where it was from.
But it is.
Yeah, it's really good.
Mr. Rice, in case they want to sponsor us.
It's from Papa John's.
Did it feel dirty and nice at the same time while you're eating it?
It's a good pizza.
It's good pizza.
We eat it all the time.
We can't really.
The best thing and the worst thing Domino's ever did was chicken poppers.
Those chicken kickers.
Do you remember chicken kickers?
No.
They were like breaded buffalo.
And they were amazing.
They got rid of them.
We have breaded.
There's breaded buffalo bites.
They still have them.
They have them but they make them weird.
They feel like sauce and cheese.
Yeah, this was just a dry run.
That's what they.
Exactly.
That new one with sauce and cheese is a lot like that one.
So good.
This is not stoner talk or nothing.
They sell that chicken like in the deli part.
They sell that exact chicken, man.
It's the same.
We don't got passes up here.
I know.
It sucks but it happens so I get that.
Well, shit.
Okay.
Well, we just made a bunch of listeners hungry.
Yeah.
Let's give them a minute to go get a snack.
What are we smoking?
Yeah, it's snack time.
I would have thought the stoner podcast went directly to food within five minutes of it
starting.
Went from pot to food on the stoner podcast.
Yeah.
I was actually going to make that Clearman's bread cheese stuff.
But now, now there's no way because we have all this food and all this shit.
And then what I brought, which we're going to light up right now is baby jeeters infused
baby Durbin poison is going to be the one.
When they when they tell you they're poisoning you up front, that's good.
Okay, so the movie we watched.
We're just getting straight into it.
Let's get into it because we got a lot of opinions here.
You didn't ask me how I was doing.
I did ask you how you were doing in the beginning, but I skipped if you had anything to smoke.
Did you bring anything to smoke?
No.
Just all this equipment.
Literally go to an audio store.
So Jesse.
Yeah, that's as much as I have this relationship where every time he shows up here, I have
new exciting things to throw at him.
He sees them not in the same light that I do.
He sees them as what are they going to call it?
And today when he showed up thinking there's going to be four of us, there's 12 of us.
Only three times.
Exactly.
So off to the audio store he goes.
I mean, what a beard rack, man.
Good radio.
No one can fill the 10 seconds while I'm taking a break.
I just wanted to see what would happen.
It's been like this all day, people.
Earlier we're just sitting in a quiet circle getting ready for the mics to get up.
It's almost like we're waiting for the host to talk about the movie.
Who brought up what did we watch and then just stopped?
He was smoking something with the words baby and poison in the name, so we just wanted to observe.
Durbin poison.
What is Durbin?
Durbin poison.
It sounds, I don't know, I don't like saying it.
I do.
I don't like saying it.
I don't know, you know.
My Snapchat name is Durbin Out.
I don't know.
Durbin Out.
And I was really stoned when I made it and I was like, you know, I just really wonder
what would be a good Snapchat name.
And I went Durbin Out.
So people at home go to Durbin Out on Snapchat and add Hippie Dolly Lama Jesus over here.
I'm sure he posts all sorts of Zen shit.
This is what I'm imagining.
It's just like, hey man, I went to Walmart the other day.
I went to Vashis the other day, whatever that is.
And I bought a blanket that's got a bunch of wolves on it, man.
And wolves represent spirituality.
I don't know, is that you?
No, not too much.
Not too much.
Not really.
I missed it.
You gotta twist it a little bit.
Like, no, that's cool enough.
Like, see, I'm more about like be yourself and like believe what you believe and just
realize that, you know, the world is going to be crazy no matter what you believe.
Bad things are still going to happen to you.
Hold on.
I made the mistake of asking a question while you were taking a hit.
Pass that real quick.
Now continue talking.
That was literally the definition of holding the mic.
Yeah, exactly.
Both times.
You had to hold the mic.
I was just sitting in the room like, oh, look at this guy talking on the mic and I had the
mic, so it fits.
But no, man, I'm more like, you know, I lay back and I try to tell people you can improve
your life just by having like hope and faith in something greater than yourself.
Like, these people with religious beliefs are great because they have these religious
beliefs, but I feel like they twist the meaning of everything, you know?
You have to do this to be good in like God's graces kind of thing.
But in reality, you really don't have to do anything except accept Jesus Christ.
Like, he came and he like loved you so much that he died for you and he didn't tell you
how to live your life.
He died so you could live your life.
Really.
Can I interrupt you for a moment?
And that's how I teach people.
That was probably more Jesus than I anticipated.
But I'm beautiful.
That's what it is.
You're very eloquently well-spoken guy.
And I think if you derp it out on Snapchat, he's got positive Jesus-related content.
He seems cool as shit.
I like him.
And I like your vibe.
Afterwards, because we still, and this is so fun, if you're a listener to the podcast,
three or four episodes ago, you listened to some really great ads, really great ads from
Brennan and I's solo episode where we paused it about four or five times.
Those ads, we're going to probably have to record after this because that's the next
episode.
We haven't done shit.
So those ads that you listened to weeks ago were recorded now.
That's fucking podcast magic, baby.
And I definitely want to promote you as a church, like evangelical kind of thing.
We're going to do that.
We're going to do an ad for you after this.
It's going to be good.
I can picture Dustin giving that same speech on Snapchat, no shirt on.
People who have these huge followers are just wrong.
We're going to get that started today.
We're going to retroactively get that started starting with Snapchat next week when the
episode airs.
Blow up a million, like a thousand freaking retrobusters.
Oh, no, if we get a GoFundMe, we can make some money out of this, man.
I mean, think about it, man.
These pastors and stuff that had like these billions and billions of followers, they're
just not teaching the right thing.
They're not saying the right thing.
They're getting their grief, you know?
And people follow them.
Love your vibe.
The movie is Die Hard.
Movies Die Hard, 1988, Bruce Willis.
Woo!
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers!
I needed to say fuck after all of that.
I'm so sorry.
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers!
I did mess it up in the beginning.
I practiced so hard.
The most, again, podcast magic.
The people listening at home.
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers!
I practiced so hard to get that right, and I blew it!
And I fucking hate this.
Motherfuck.
I couldn't die!
God!
That was it, right?
That was perfect!
Motherfuck.
Oh, yeah, there we go.
Oh, yes.
What was it?
No, I'm not going to do it again.
Fuck it.
It's over.
I fucked it up.
I'll put it in the actual clip.
Put it in the actual clip.
Right there.
At the end, the last thing.
Right before it.
What are you trying to do?
And then listen to me fuck it up.
Like an extreme contrast.
Yeah.
Extreme contrast.
Now, the only thing I fucked up was how he said it.
I got the line right.
Yeah, which is like 2% of the way.
I put my own spin on it, we could say.
Yeah.
My own interpretation.
OK.
There.
Fixed.
Fucking perfect.
Meant to do it.
I'm amazing.
Comedic genius I was once called.
Undiscovered comedic genius.
I was once called by Tomas.
That is going to get you.
Yeah.
Mystery man.
Man of mysteries, Tomas.
He didn't even got a mic next to him.
He's just hanging out, which I'm cool with.
Again, this is just vibe couch.
This is just your two sides of the same bearded, zed out, pulling.
God, if you were brothers, I'd believe it.
You know?
You would, yeah.
Red pill, blue pill.
Red pill or blue pill.
Yeah.
That's cool.
All right, yeah.
So this is one of the...
Speaking of.
No.
Not speaking of.
But yes.
Speaking of movies.
Die hard.
Man.
OK.
So I guess we all watched it recently.
Yes.
Mike actually went and watched it in theaters.
Yes.
I had no idea until, OK, because we looked it up on Tubi on last week's show.
Yeah.
And after we watched the movie for the show, I always look at Tubi and say, what am I going
to watch next week?
So we searched.
Oh, let's do Bruce Willis.
Why not?
And there was a news story about him recently as why.
Yeah.
And so my wife and I were talking about Bruce Willis that day before.
We said, oh, what Bruce Willis?
Oh, Die Hard's on here.
Let's watch Die Hard.
We do the podcast, recommend it, go back a week later.
It's now past the first of the month and it's no longer on Tubi.
Shit's gone.
So I apologize to everyone at home.
Typically, you pick a Tubi movie.
We technically did.
Right.
Yeah.
At the time.
But then I figured out why, because it's in theaters.
So we went to search.
I went, well, where am I going to stream it now?
If it's off Tubi, I went to search and it pops up in my Fandango app.
It says, well, if you want to stream this, yeah, you could go here, here, pay three
nine nine three nine nine or it's nowhere online.
It's not on.
It's not.
It's on Disney.
So it's either paid three.
I know, but they put it out, I guess, because of Christmas time.
Yeah.
I got it.
Yeah.
And so think about them knowing it's a Christmas movie.
So December 1st, they pull it off free.
You're welcome.
Put it on the play.
You're welcome for the royalties.
But I actually went to the movie theater and saw it.
That's awesome.
They were showing it at the IV.
So it was very cool to go see one of our movies in the theater was a totally different experience.
It was only me, my wife, and there were like four or five other people in the theater.
It was it was like a normal movie at three o'clock in the afternoon when we went.
Still, I would have loved to have seated in theater.
Well, no, that's not true.
I hate the movie theaters.
I would much rather watch it here.
Pause it any time I want.
It's so full all the time.
But so I guess it's the 35th anniversary is the point.
So they put it on sale everywhere for nine.
So that's what happened, isn't it?
Because of it being Christmas, I guess they pulled it and put it on sale everywhere and the 35th anniversary.
Sure.
Put it back in theaters.
Thirty five years.
So it's a great deal.
Do they have an app where like you can subscribe to it and get like movie theater movies?
Well, I don't think they don't call that an app.
Yeah, I think it's I think I've seen it like streaming one, two, three movies.
There are places on these.
I don't know.
It's called Roku.
It's called Amazon Fire Stick.
If you watch movie theater movies, it's just like a monthly subscription of like 15 bucks or something.
And you get it in all the theaters we make Paramount have like select movies that they would do at the same time.
But I don't know.
That was a still new site.
That was the best part of the kid movie.
Was it worth the millions of dead people?
No.
But the best part of it if we're looking at silver linings has to be when they just released Matrix four and like Godzilla and all the shit.
Max on HBO Max.
Come on.
That was like that was the best time to be at home.
Definitely worth all the people.
You're you're you're pro.
You think it's worth it.
I'm just over exaggerating but I mean worth it or not.
It's like Louis CK has a good villain.
It's like it's just a bunch of already dying people died.
I guess in a grim fate kind of way.
Yeah.
If everyone's predestined to die when they're going to die, then if I live through it, then why not enjoy the benefits?
You're the only one that can.
Right.
Those dead people can't.
Everyone who's alive, all of us.
I mean, I'm saying most most people survived.
The royal alive people.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
My only was that a bad take as a human?
Just you guys are all looking at me like.
Yeah.
And you're the host.
What the fuck is going on?
It got real quiet.
I got judged real quick.
Just because there's a guy talking about Jesus doesn't mean you have to turn on me.
It's OK.
I'm on your side.
I don't believe in Jesus at all.
It was cool.
The Matrix was released on HBO Max.
That's all I'm saying.
I think we're all I think we all agree with that.
OK.
Yeah.
All right.
Stand your ground.
It's all good.
Thank you.
Speaking of movie theaters, this was released in movie theaters.
Yeah.
Movie.
Well, we all paid three.
We all paid three ninety nine.
Yeah, I did.
We paid ten.
Yeah.
You bought it.
You too.
Yeah.
We rented it.
OK.
Yeah.
Everyone invested.
I think most people rented it.
Yeah.
I think you all collectively like one hundred seventy dollars.
Yeah.
Production costs.
Bruce Willis, if you're listening, blink to someone to get over to us for a sponsor.
I like it when Andy goes dark.
That's way better.
It's way better.
She lost a bunch of weight.
She's looking for something new.
Congratulations.
Damn.
Well, that's this movie.
Let's go back to 1988 for a moment.
Yeah.
Bruce Willis is sexy in this.
Yeah.
He's handsome.
Hey, that's that scene where he's in the wife beater in the room talking when he first was
talking to his wife.
Yeah.
And then she pops her head into talk to Holly, Miss Janer, and then she looks at.
Yeah.
And he's just fucking stretchy.
He's doing something hot.
And she's just like, yeah, she gets it.
He's literally posing.
No.
Yeah.
I can literally pose.
Yo, can I just go ahead?
I'm just saying, how good does your dick have to be to win like a fucking dude?
Like a bad guy with a gun runs out and smashes the gun on a trashcan.
She's like, my guy's fucking pissing that dude off.
I am so on her side for getting a divorce from him based on some of the behavior of
scene.
Just if we're talking about women and Bruce Willis in this movie, I don't think there's
a moment where a hot chick is in frame where he's not checking her out.
Am I wrong?
Every time there's an attractive woman.
He goes by and touches the boobs.
He was looking at every one.
There's a poster.
He checks it twice.
He hits it on the way back.
He touches it.
It's every beautiful woman.
He touches it.
It's every beautiful woman he passes.
He's in fire.
You guys need a mic near you.
You're saying because he's a police officer, he checks his surroundings and that's what
you're saying.
That's why he kissed his hand and touched the boobs on the wall?
I was sworn to serve and protect.
Every time there was a blonde, brunette, redhead walking past him, he was, stop making kissing
noises.
That was one kissing.
On purpose.
I like it.
I noticed in the beginning of the movie, he gets out of the airport.
He goes up to the limo and then he's riding in the front seat of the limo.
He gets called out for that by the taxi.
He gets called out by our guy.
He's like, well, he throws some trash in the bag.
I didn't know anyone was going to be up front.
It's my first date, which I love.
Little details like that.
Just if we're talking little details.
What about the cop who just pricks his finger on the rose?
He's running up to the building.
It's just a cut.
He runs up.
Ow.
And then he just cuts away.
There's no resolution to that.
I would love if it cuts to the ER afterwards.
It's just all the dead bodies are getting wheeled out.
You got Bruce Willis just hot and sexy, bloody just in the back of an ER.
Holly looks beat up for some reason.
I was fucked up.
But then this guy, he's got a little bandaid on his finger, but he's got a blanket around
him.
It was he was a little allergic to this particular kind of rose.
That would be a great follow up.
Him and Al are best friends.
They have drastically different takes on the night.
They go to get coffee after.
Let me tell you how my night was.
There was this rose.
You also had a great take.
What would you tell me on the way about the guy when Bruce Willis sat in the front seat
of the limo?
That's a really autistic thing to do, I thought in the beginning.
He's just really awkward.
I'm just going to sit in the front.
Also back to Argyle though, that guy is probably one of the best parts of the movie.
That's how you do comic relief.
Oh, he's great.
It's just all this shit's going on, explosions, people dying, and then it just cuts to him
just sitting in the limo with a stuffed bear.
There's some weird stuff in this movie like how rich they are.
How rich?
Oh, the terrorists?
No, them.
He's a cop, ex-cop in his X1, and her job somehow she has a maid?
Who does?
The most stereotypical maid ever.
A limo that he sits with a huggy bear as a driver to pick up her ex.
Hola.
Hola, Mr. Nera.
Exactly.
Where is this?
Actually, it was the company that got the limo.
Wait, the company sent the limo?
But why?
The huggy bear is a driver.
That's true.
She didn't even seem to know that he was coming.
And yet, what do you say to the limo?
Have you heard from him yet?
Is he coming?
Oh, I don't know.
I don't know.
She did mention that, but the thing that got me about with them was the cell phone quality.
So this guy is under a building in a parking garage.
1988.
There is a fried rice kitchen.
On a car phone.
And the signal was clear as day.
I'm with you.
They've been lying to us about phones for decades.
There's an conspiracy.
I was doing homework in the bistro, and I'm like, what's your Wi-Fi?
I got no signal.
The man who knew too little, which came out in the early 90s or the mid 90s or maybe the
late 90s, 90s.
Is it Chevy Chase?
Or Bill Murray?
Bill Murray pulls a fucking cell phone out that looks like a motor, like a razor from
like 2020, 204.
Who says that?
I was 2004 is what I meant to say, but that's not right.
It's always 2004, right?
We found a more effective way to refer to the 2004.
That sounds like we're 90.
Like we're old people.
Am I wrong?
But we are.
You are now.
The technology in that movie was wild too.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
The technology was so fun.
People saw that in 1988 and went, whoa.
I know.
It was like my cute toy.
And he's like, yeah, if you go to the bathroom, you can find the difference too.
That was the dumbest part of the whole movie.
He goes up, hey, I'm looking for, I'm looking for a phone.
I'm looking for this Christmas party that's going on.
It's like, all right, you use the touch screen.
Okay.
Oh God.
Exposition about my wife, blah, blah, blah.
He hits the button.
It's the dumbest map in the world with a button pointing to says elevators are this way.
He looks up to guys like, yeah, it's on the take the elevator.
Stop it.
They're the only ones.
That's the best.
They're the only ones here.
Great.
Thanks bud.
Thanks for that.
No, what it is is they installed it a week previous and not enough people were using
it.
He was, he wanted to see it get used.
He's been with people all night.
He deserved to get shot in the face by those fucking terrorists.
First death of the whole movie.
And how insane was their nonchalantness about walking into that building and then the guy
leaning up against it.
Pointing to the guy in his face, boom, continues the conversation about passion.
Oh yeah.
Amazing.
That sells how bad these motherfuckers are right off the bat.
Yeah.
Those terrorists are well robbers.
They're not terrorists.
They're just robbers.
Wait, you know what?
Hold on.
Yeah.
Let's clarify something.
But if they're foreign and they're causing.
They're environmentalists.
That's what I'm saying.
That's like.
If Osama bin Laden's ultimate goal was to rob a bank by doing 9-11, would we still call
him a terrorist or would we call him the greatest robber of all time?
Yeah.
It's still a terrorist attack.
Like with the, you know, like whatever, right?
Yeah.
It's a great fear of both from now on.
It'd be like he's like the greatest terrorist ever because he robbed the bank while he was
blowing up.
Sorry, Hans Gruber is both the best terrorist and the best robber.
Yeah.
Okay.
So we can all agree it's a little bit of A, a little bit of B.
Yeah.
He's both.
The great terrorist and the great robber.
We're using the word great a lot with Osama bin Laden and Hans Gruber.
I stand by what I said.
Okay.
Fair enough.
That is a Sean Perry take on.
I side with that.
He had a German Jeffrey Dahmer on his team.
That was John McClane's first kill.
It was a German Jeffrey Dahmer.
Still.
You guys remember when we was a crime?
When what was?
Yeah.
When this movie came out.
Yeah.
So it's like.
John McClane would have been fucking us up back then.
I just remember how much I used to smoke before this stuff was legal and now it's legal.
And it's just like, you know, what if we referred to it as it was?
And it's like, I don't know.
I mean, I don't know.
I don't know.
Well, I wish I knew that comedian's name.
So we've just been sort of all over the place with Die Hard, which I love.
Instead of breaking it down scene by scene, which we found to be for any of the listeners of the Christmas special of eight crazy nights.
In hindsight, we made some mistakes and by we I'm not using the royal.
It's me.
I fucked up.
I really broke that movie down to the point where you don't need to see it.
And I feel like that takes away the magic.
I even did a perfect whitey voice eliminating the need to even watch the film.
Oh, it's good.
It's good.
Again, now, sorry you had to hear that for a second week in a row.
Sorry.
It's that was a rough one.
Merry Christmas.
Happy New Year.
OK, so.
He's a womanizer.
He's a sexy.
He's badass.
He's a great shot.
He's a bad shot.
Well, they're all bad shots.
Every one of them.
The number of.
No one's a good shot.
Just coming around the corner with bullets.
I'm sure someone's car with a body better than he could with a gun.
The best shot.
He threw a body at a car and hit him.
The best shots in that movie were his kids.
When his mom when their mom calls and says, watch me, don't go snooping around for presents.
And he's like right away with where's dad?
So I heard that the guy that played the dick, the one who gives up John halfway through the guy, I heard that that actor got so much hate after in real life from people that like he.
That.
I had to take it.
What's his fucking name?
What was his dude's name?
Forgetful Candice.
I'm sorry.
Well, shit, you guys.
Anyway, look it up.
It's an interesting story.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
I love the way this movie was shot.
Honestly, it's the first time I ever watched it.
And I love that.
I love that opening scene when she follows the camera follows the.
Actually walking.
Well, yeah, well, it's just going down the hallway in the very beginning with when he's following the wife or the girl, the girlfriend, whatever.
I don't know if it was on purpose, but what I saw it, I thought at first it's like, well, this is almost like I found footage here.
The way they were doing that they were walking with the camera at the very beginning of the party.
Yeah, I just like it's not without a guy.
It's not a party scene.
It's the beginning of the movie.
So when she's in the office or I'm sorry, you're right.
I guess it is a party.
I'm sorry.
You're right.
It's a party.
I forget that it's like the same time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I forget it's all the same day.
Yeah, I don't know.
I just really like the way it's like I feel like you don't see that kind of stuff in newer movies nowadays.
It's just the way it's like I like how like lived in the set.
It felt more like you were there.
Yeah, it's just a much bigger set.
I like that shit.
Yeah, it's beautifully shot.
It's well acted.
Bruce Willis.
I think he does a fantastic job.
For the party.
You know exactly who he is.
You can tell it's like, yeah, that guy's like, oh, yeah, just take your shoes off in your hotel room and walk around.
Yeah.
Oh, that's so funny.
Yeah.
Walk around barefoot in the hotel room.
Make fists with your toes around.
Yeah, make fists with your toes.
He said that so like Arnold Lee and Terminators too also.
It's like you just take off your shoes.
Well, the socks and fall on your toes.
Yeah.
That was a weird.
That was a suggestion.
Yeah.
It's like, OK, you know exactly what kind of guy he is right there.
Yeah.
By saying OK.
Yeah, he does it and it's funny.
But Danny does it.
He's not even in a hotel.
He's in an office building.
Yeah.
But he's like trying to calm down.
Son of a bitch, he was right.
That's close.
He's not going to get it.
I love carpet between my toes if possible.
I didn't know.
I love that.
What's let's go with favorite moments if you have to pick one.
I.
My favorite moment is when Hans Gruber he had the line after he killed the boss and he comes
back in and he's like, yeah, so to call me whatever his name is, he will not be joining
us for the rest of his life.
Oh, that's good.
I just thought that was such a funny line.
The realization of Holly's face.
Oh, fuck.
She just got real.
Yeah.
Mine's got to be the very first, not later on as it gets repetitive, but the first Yippee
Kaye motherfucker when he's just a throwaway line.
It's a throwaway line.
Fuck you.
Line that he uses that.
That was probably my favorite.
You're pretty old.
Who is Roy Rogers and why did he say that?
First of all, not that.
Listen, motherfucker, if you're going to be the oldest one in the room, you got to know
who Roy Rogers is probably.
What's up?
I know who he is through more through like Ronald Reagan.
See, that's a cowboy.
It's old cowboy TV from like Reagan's days.
What's a rhinestone cowboy?
A cowboy with rhinestone.
It's like saying who is Superman to in our day.
He got a lot of old people in his hands.
Yeah.
Okay, but I might argue most of us.
I don't get anyone.
What's a rhinestone cowboy?
What's what it makes a rhinestone?
City sparkly shirt, sparkly shirt, city cowboys.
This is a type of cowboy.
Okay, they were sparkly.
So modern country day singers, my bad.
This started off as an inquiry.
I feel like I'm being attacked now.
So fuck it.
I don't really want to know.
You keep it to yourself.
You keep fucking rhinestone cowboys all you want.
Motherfuckers.
I'm fine.
If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
Yippee ki yay.
I don't know what it means, but I just die hard.
Fuck it.
I don't care.
I had to jot down the time code for it.
And my favorite part of the movie was 23 minutes and 30 seconds.
Hold on.
Don't say anything.
We'll put it up right now.
You said 23 minutes and what?
30 seconds.
Oh, God.
Audrey, how close am I?
Awesome video content.
Hey, this is awesome.
This is favorite part of the movie.
Is this it?
Yep, this is his favorite part of the movie.
23.30?
Put it in.
Yep.
Play it.
Nice.
Okay.
First set of.
Boom.
Hold on.
Bear with me now.
That's Audrey's favorite part.
That specifically.
That few seconds also encapsulated the 80s.
There's tits, cocaine, and guns going on.
Tits, cocaine, and guns going on.
The only three things that really mattered to me.
For the other three.
For the audience listening at home, which is the audience.
That was the one.
Well, that's probably the first shot of titties in the whole movie.
A real set of titties.
Could you imagine just from her perspective?
She lives through the.
Audrey kept going by.
Then he kissed.
But if you imagine.
So she lives through this, right?
She's one of the lucky ones.
She gets through it.
She exposed herself to all her coworkers.
Her boss died.
That guy that she slept with that one time.
That creepy coke guy.
Because you know.
He died.
She's okay with that.
Yeah.
He gave her HPV.
But.
So the part that bugged me the most about that.
Was.
That couple had heard shots fired.
They were in an unlocked office.
Just.
And he's like, I got this.
I can do this real quick.
Like.
He's.
He hears the gunshots.
Still on the desk.
Like.
What was that?
It was me, baby.
I just lean into it.
This is it.
Better make it worth it.
Yeah.
It's impressive to think that you can get a nut off the gunshots.
Yeah.
Honestly.
That was really exciting.
Yeah.
The thrill of it.
Yeah.
Sure.
That's the best sex of her life.
Yeah.
Followed by humiliation.
He survived.
Which is often how I end sex.
You know.
I love.
I was going to say, doesn't that sound normal?
But wait.
The guy they don't show is his dick has to be out.
So he's just.
He's just.
He has to be out.
So he exposed himself to him.
Oh, well.
They gave him the dignity.
I don't think they were allowed to show it.
No.
88.
They couldn't show dick.
You know what the saddest part is though.
She gets home.
And her cuck husband.
Who she's been cheating on.
He's like.
Honey, you'll never believe it.
I was at work today and I pricked myself on a rose.
It was humiliating.
And she's like, yeah.
Don't even worry about it.
Yeah.
Oh.
Okay.
That's a good one.
Yeah.
Any other favorite moments since we're going down the road?
Brendan.
I kind of like the.
The same scene with the freaking rose.
I like the bad guy who's sitting there staring at the candy bars.
Just kind of eyeballing them.
Oh yeah.
That was so funny.
He grabs the crunch bar and he's just eating it.
He ate like 10 of them.
Yeah.
He's fully getting it down in time too.
Yeah.
He was.
Yeah.
He just.
He was gaming it up.
He was.
He was gaming it up.
Yeah.
Fuck it.
He's like he gets reminiscent at some point and like kind of feels bad about his relationship
in the middle of all the gunfire.
Who the?
What?
The witch guy.
The chocolate guy?
No.
Bruce Willis.
He.
When he kills that guy?
No.
Just in general.
Like throughout the movie it's as funny.
The moments that there's all this crazy shit going on and then there's like profound moments
that just kind of come in the middle.
Yeah.
But it was written way out there.
He's like she's heard me say I love you a thousand times and never heard me say I'm
sorry.
Oh, I hate that shit so much.
This movie was not written for one of us.
You've got to remember it was written for Schwarzenegger.
Oh yeah, I read that.
This movie was written for Schwarzenegger.
So a lot of those lines are like, or if you twist them and you think about it, Schwarzenegger
wouldn't set them.
How different a movie it is.
They would have cut.
They would have made the dialogue different.
Such a different.
Schwarzenegger would not have said I told her I loved her a thousand times, but I never
told her I'm sorry.
I just think of you as a guy, hey motherfucker, as Schwarzenegger.
That would have been the end of it.
So we switch to the great.
Yeah, so Nacho's offered this role first.
Had to be contractually.
He was 70 years old.
I was gonna say, how old was he in 88?
Look at the fuck?
But that's insane.
70, it's insane.
And he had the good grace to say no?
You said no.
You know what?
This is it for me.
This is not for me anymore.
I mean, you know, fucking.
Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It's
like, well, how old was Sean
Connery when he played James
Bond? Like, he's pretty old,
right? So, yeah. So, I guess
it wasn't that. That's not
that. That was not this rule.
I understand that. But like,
in 88, they didn't like, you
know what I mean? Like, I
guess in comparison, they
probably didn't know at that
time like what to compare to
like they're just like James
Bond in an action movie. Well,
I don't know. The movie feels
like a lot of it and and
there's other things when you
read about this movie where the
actor made a change to the
character that he had done which
was not common back then. Like,
for the the the people that
were in it all had a say in
what was happening. Except
Alan Rickman who again
protested. No.
Alan Rickman rewrote about
half this movie himself. It's
really. Yeah. Alan Rickman.
All the bad guys scenes were
not by rewrite. That's part of
the movie. It's just like,
trust me, I'm Alan Rickman. I
I got this and he just sort of
just like, you know, it was a
great scene. Every **** scene
he was in was **** dope and
every piece of dialogue between
John McClain and the cop ****
**** It was like just the worst
I love the dialogue between
are you kidding me? Okay. John
was okay but it was all very
regimented. It's so good.
Regimented real. When he reads
off those tweaking ingredients,
I was off the top of his dome
here. Are you kidding me? That
was like, oh, I'm not. Okay,
when he reads all those calories
like this guy definitely got
diabetes. He hasn't eaten a
Twinkie in 10 years. He's like
**** like his pregnant wife.
Is his wife pregnant? They say
their dynamic is what it's
does he have a pregnant wife or
no, no, no. He mentions it
twice but I think after it's
it's he's got a **** load of
**** hostess treats, right? And
it's like uh pregnant wife.
Yeah, sure, buddy. Yeah. And
then later on, he's like,
here's the ingredients to a
two-year-old and he's just say
it's his go-to. I bet people
at work talk about his pregnant
wife for years. Yeah, but he's
not expecting their first
child. He tells them that. For
years. What are we talking about?
We're talking about Amy's
sister. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, what?
No, that's way different
because she's right here. Now.
I just love how it is. That is
you should say something.
Otherwise, that he's has a
point that you don't exist.
Okay.
I just love how 80s this movie is because when the detective shows up,
asking the cop, he's like, how do you know this guy isn't just one of the terrorists?
How do you know this guy is one of the terrorists?
And he's like, I have a hunch.
And that's just an acceptable answer.
No, it wasn't acceptable.
Not to the detective, but it's an acceptable piece of dialogue to them.
They're just like, I have a hunch.
These are the worst.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You're a cop, and you're telling me you have a hunch?
That's what I love about it, though.
It's hilarious to me.
I love how it's such a classic movie because of that.
I love, OK, when he backs up his car getting shot at,
that's a cool, just realistic thing that I could see someone doing,
where he's just like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and he's just backing up.
Like, oh, god, back, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and he just falls off the ditch.
And he's like, oh, thank Christ.
And he's just like, give me some fucking help.
But there's no way in hell, even if he's the guy that fucking backed up
and all the hero of the day, for sure.
Twinkie, Twinkie Man, you know, whatever.
Even that, they wouldn't let him have a radio and just be like,
you hanging in there, guy?
Or everyone can hear him.
It's like, hey, listen, they're sending the police in.
Watch out.
It's, I don't know, that's a little, that's I didn't like.
I wish they'd found a different channel so that they could have talked
privately.
I agree with that.
I agree.
The fact that they just kept talking in that channel, the whole movie
is pretty annoying.
I think they kind of referenced that in the Liv Free Die Hard a little bit.
It was more like hacker tech stuff and John McClane didn't know how to work
any of it.
Got it.
Speaking of which, if we're going to go sequels, the next two Die Hards are
great.
Do we all agree?
Yes.
I've never.
Die Hard with a Vengeance is my favorite.
Die Hard with a Vengeance is probably my favorite.
It might be the best one, including this one.
Because the plot of Die Hard with a Vengeance is like, the terrorists have,
and they're just terrorists.
Wait, no, they're robbers again.
God, they're terrorist robbers.
If you put bombs in schools to rob the depository, what are you?
Terrorist robbers.
You're the worst.
Damn it.
There needs to be a turp.
OK, well, we have the internet.
And there you go.
Thank you.
Wait, a terrorist robber, a pirate.
Oh.
That's a pirate.
Ooh, wait.
I think pirates have to be naval.
Pirates dig, terrorize on their way.
Wait, what?
I think pirates have to be on the water, though.
I think it's purely a naval thing.
I could be wrong.
They're like land pirates.
Even when in land, too, they had pirate homes, and they would fight and steal.
Don't ruin it.
We have a chance to prove that Osama bin Laden was a pirate.
They were ships.
They were the pilot by proxy.
They do use nautical terms with aircraft.
I mean, I'm sure he knew a lot of pilots.
Terrorist.
Both of them, maybe.
I'm not spelling that right.
Terrorist and?
Wait, terrorist.
Terrorist and?
I guess you kind of know.
Robber.
Get a bunch of stoners with an AI.
This Osama bin Laden a pirate.
Think about it.
Pirates win against the government.
Terrorists.
The government was constantly hunting pirates.
The British government?
Well, I don't want to click on any of these.
Wait, I might argue a lot.
I'm good.
He's trying to get on a war zone.
I'm good.
I'm just taking a big step back because every one of those links was like, hey,
NSA.org, CIA.whatever the fuck.
I'm fucked.
Well, shit.
Does anyone here static?
Fuck.
Is your VPN on?
Yeah, well, shit.
Now they know I have a VPN.
I could have tricked them into thinking I lived in Phoenix a little bit longer,
Mike.
If you're not the answer, you've got to accept the cookies.
That is a wise thing.
That's like a tech guru thing you would say, right?
It sounds like a life advice.
That's like if I saw a little picture of you on the corner of a browser,
and it was saying exactly that.
He's replaced a Clippy.
He's replaced a 20-24.
Instead of Clippy himself.
Little cartoon mama.
Hey, that's part of his sermon.
I still can't get that picture of you out of my head.
You shortly to the cross talking to Snapchat, doing your sermon.
Hey, what's up, followers?
Followers of Christ, I mean.
I'm going to put this out.
I'm going to have to get Ryan on the phone to end this thing.
We should.
All right.
Let's call Ryan, because he's a piece of shit.
I mean, I love him.
I really wanted to talk about this movie.
You should have seen when I told him what the movie was.
He's like, oh.
Yeah, he said like a million gifts.
Gifts.
So right now, gifts or gyps?
What are we doing?
Gifts.
Ryan's going to be wrong.
OK, I thought you said gyps.
It's Ryan.
He's like, no, he can't do it.
Does he need to do the answer?
No, he can't answer.
I was going to get a good angle, but he's not going to answer.
He's not going to answer.
He's going to answer.
This is bad.
Well, you're in edit.
So I also really like all the shooting in this movie.
This episode is now 12 minutes long.
You like all the shooting, you said?
Even though it was all badly aimed?
No, no, no.
What I mean is when people got shot, I liked all the scenes.
Like the scene when the dude's knees got shot out,
and that was fun.
And the dude got shot, like his nuts shot to the table.
That was fun.
I loved all the catch.
You know what I mean?
Thanks for the advice.
You know what I mean?
That shit's fun.
Yeah, those are fun things to watch.
You have the opportunity to kill someone.
Don't hesitate.
Thanks for the advice.
But he hesitated before killing.
He waited a second, shot him, and said thanks for the advice.
Didn't listen.
I feel like the worst kill was the second one, the guard that
was guarding the elevators.
They already killed the other guy with a silencer,
and they were very quiet about it.
They did a good job.
And this guy didn't give two fucks.
We knew it right away when John McClane was going upstairs.
But the guy dies, they shoot him, but then for some reason,
they roll in a flashbang to surprise him.
I guarantee you, turning around the corner and fucking shooting
him will surprise him.
The flashbang did not need to happen.
So at some point, they could have just walked into that place.
They could have just walked there like boom.
You're still surprised.
What was the gratuitous?
That one flashbang, I just don't like.
It's gadgetry.
Murder.
It's just murder with extra stress.
Are you saying that they're just showing off gadgets
to show it off?
Yeah.
Like that tank they brought in to just blow up,
like whatever the fuck that thing was?
They needed to justify the practical effects department.
Oh, they're bringing in an RV or a Humvee.
We said RV.
Is that what we said?
We rushed in 12 flashbangs.
We're only at 11.
We need that other one.
Otherwise, they're not going to believe us next time.
Corporate isn't going to buy the same amount next year
if we don't use it this year.
So yeah.
That's why they launched two missiles.
Killed everyone on the first one.
No one reacted though.
First fucking blows the thing up.
Everyone's like, all right.
The second one, everyone's like, oh my god.
That's the worst.
They just killed them everybody.
I love the guy, the sergeant, I think,
when that guy falls down from the building.
He's like, I hope that's not a hostage.
He says it so casually, like four comedic effects
for his friends.
Yes.
That wasn't even for us.
That was for his buddy.
He's like, I hope that's not one of the hostages.
Am I right?
What if it is Dave?
Or Al, right?
It was Al that said it.
What if it is, Al?
Certain actors pop up in movies, and I just
can't take them serious because I only
saw that sergeant as the principal from Breakfast Club.
Oh, yeah.
And then the FBI agent shows up, and I'm like,
that's the dumb henchman from Goonies.
And they make him such a dickhead in the movie too.
I thought they were going to be all professional
and get screwed over.
But no, they just made him dumbasses.
I love the Johnson and Johnson.
Some of you, that was you with Alan Rickman.
You had only seen him in all of Snake.
Yeah, and in Snake.
But you said he also wrote part of the movie?
Well, just his whole live.
His character's parts where?
I'm going to make myself very smart and cunning.
FBI agents, dumbasses.
Police sergeant, dumbass.
That's kind of his thing in every movie.
The cop Twinkie eating and lying about it.
I know, we started talking.
No pregnant wife.
That's Andy's theory.
I'm going to kill a coke head.
And I don't like Japanese.
I'm going to kill the Japanese.
His American accent is terrible, right?
Yeah.
When he's trying to convince John.
Oh, yeah.
I'm glad you brought that up.
I hate that John McClane gives him props.
You know what I mean?
That you should be in a fucking movie.
He's got TV.
The idea was clever.
That was so bad.
It was bad acting and a bad accent.
Everything about it.
It's good for being over a TV radio.
But he's obviously on purpose.
That's what we're saying.
Rickman's American accent isn't really that bad.
It was.
It sounded German.
No, no, no.
Whatever he was.
It sounded like a guy who wasn't German trying to be German
and do an American accent.
That's what it sounded like.
Because that's what it was.
That's the point.
Yeah, that's what he's trying to say.
They're trying to make it.
They're purposely doing it bad.
What do you think?
You're saying Hans Gruber in the moment was like, shit,
I have to do a bad American accent right now.
No, the movie.
Obviously, make it bad.
The director.
So that director, him together, all of them.
They made that decision.
They all decided, OK, hey, I get the understanding
to give him an American accent.
That makes sense.
Trick John with an American accent.
He doesn't know what you look like.
You've only heard him on the radio.
That's a brilliant idea.
But at what point in the writers' room did they say, all right,
but it needs to be bad?
Are you saying that's on purpose?
Because he's supposed to be German.
He's German.
You're supposed to know he's German.
All right, I feel like I've lost everyone again.
That part did well.
It's like Ronald Schwarzenegger doing an American accent.
It just wouldn't work.
So you've got to find that.
And it's more complicated because now Rickman was British.
British, German, playing an American accent.
He could have done the American accent well.
All I'm saying, OK.
He could have done it.
No, but couldn't we eliminate one of the layers of him
being a British actor?
That's how good of an actor he was.
Couldn't he just then play a German speaker being American?
Why are we adding where we're throwing in that as British?
Because it's a fact.
It's just a fact.
It's just part of the equation.
A real actor can eliminate that.
You can't just not be British.
But still, in that scene, Hans didn't
know it was John McClane until he told him he was John McClane.
You saw the shock on his face.
It's the only guy that you don't recognize that has a gun.
And you know what his voice sounds like.
And then he's like, I'm John McClane.
He's like, oh.
Yeah.
He just, yeah.
I'm really shocked when that happens.
That is stupid, yeah.
All right, well, I guess I'm wrong.
I didn't know that when I invited all my friends over,
I'd be just an angry intervention.
Have a better take.
Just sucking.
Yeah, it's weird how you don't know that when it happens,
almost every episode.
In smaller doses with less people, I have more control.
You're more my pawns and minions in that situation.
More than he could chew.
At least now, no.
Yes, I've been off more than I could chew.
Thank you.
We're an hour in.
Thank you.
It's the first time Andy mentioned it's his show in Ramona.
He's reminded us about it.
But we've also learned that if Andy ever needs an intervention,
we just need 11 people.
That's enough.
Let's do final thoughts on Die Hard.
And then we'll grade it.
And then we'll move on.
So back to the terrorist robber.
Yeah, I'm all day long, if you want.
I'll do an hours to this.
We've all seen Ocean's Eleven, right?
Yeah.
No spoilers here, but they're all robbing.
They come together.
Yeah.
If they were all robbers, I feel like it would be like that.
I wouldn't give one person from Ocean's Eleven
a gun ever at some point, even though they
were very organized.
But this group of robbers planned an amazing heist.
And we're all going to be there.
And we're going to be there.
And we're going to be there because the robbers planned
an amazing heist and were way too comfortable with guns also.
Yeah.
Because they were terrorists.
Yeah, that's what it is.
So when Hans Gruber got together the perfect heist team,
he hired one black guy that's good with technology.
He hired one European dude who then
hired all his muscle buddies at the gym who
are gung-ho for murder.
Or they were all part of a terrorist cell,
that's what happened with he
got boosted out of a terrorist
cell. So, then, they're
terrorists, not robbers but
they're they're they're
terrorists robbing. They're
terrorists. They're not
robbing who are robbing
something. Exactly. That's
what they're fighting for.
Terrorist activities. So, that
would be they're terrorists.
They're terror pirates. They
were way too good at this.
They're terrorists and pirates
and I like terror. Yeah. But
they were so comfortable
playing with them. They're
killing them. They're killing
them. They're killing them.
Or now, so, so, like, if you
ever look at, like, any of the
terrorists, like, practicing
for war, notice, there's like a
bunch of like, 10, 12 year olds
firing AKs in the air with them
and **** dude. Sure. They're
born into that **** So, like,
they probably shot their best
buddy in the leg.
I mean, the twins definitely
have a lot of fun. Like, so,
what we think is right and
wrong, they're just like, let's
go. Let's go. Let's go. They
have no concept. They have no
concept. They don't learn how
to shoot each other. Yeah, you
know, when you start talking
about some of those other
countries and places, they
don't have concepts. Wait,
wait, wait. Hold on, hold on,
wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
this is Fried Rice Podcast. We
don't get into **** politics
on here. The **** is going on.
Everybody take a ****
chill pill. Jesus. Yeah.
There's tough **** in the
middle. We have a grading
system. It goes from B down to
F. B being the highest because
we typically don't grade great
movies. This is an exception.
Uh B is going to be our
highest. C is a, you know, you
can work yourself down and then
it goes to D and then after D,
we go, oh no, sorry. Yeah. It
goes to F. Then we have a W and
W is what we don't even need to
discuss W today because this,
I don't think anyone's willing
to give Die Hard a W on air.
**** me, dude. Even if you
don't give a ****, we'll do a
Christmas movie. We'll take a
quick vote. We don't need to
discuss it because I feel it's
going to get political. Uh I
don't know. You just, I'm
dying, you buddy. Alright. Uh
so, we'll do, we'll do yeas and
nays, okay? Christmas movie.
Yes or no? Yes. Yes. It happens
during Christmas. That is not
what we're doing, Jesse. That's
what we're doing. Jesse says no.
We're going to complicate this
for by OCD. Just come on.
Brendan. Yes. Is it crazy?
That's a Christmas movie. Wait,
is it? Jeremy says yes. That's
a Hanukkah movie, right? So,
maybe this is a Hanukkah
movie. There's Christmas. There's
Christmas trees all over the
place. It's not a Hanukkah
movie. No. What? $640 million
all of a sudden. It's a
Hanukkah movie. Christmas
trees. It's a Hanukkah
movie. It's a Hanukkah
movie. It's a Hanukkah movie.
Absolutely. Tomas says, yeah.
See. See. See. Jesus.
Oh god. It's Christmas. You two
are bad for future while I need
you. My soul might need you in
the future. Yes. 100%. How can
you not have a Christmas movie
that takes place during
Christmas has a **** Christmas
songs during it takes place at
a Christmas party is absolutely
a Christmas movie. I don't care
what anyone says. I'm going to
do a Christmas movie. I'll even
say Bruce Willis, come fight me
bro. If you have any different
opinions because he once said
it's not a Christmas movie. Now
you want to fight and that's
exactly now the time to
challenge.
It's not a Christmas movie.
It's just as much murderous
violence as if this is a
Christmas movie. If this was
about Halloween instead of
Christmas, would it be Halloween
if it opened with Monster Mash
took place at a Halloween party.
He was in costume. The terrorist
rolling costume and it was a
more fun version. So, are all
the terrorists at Christmas
coming? Are they? Wait, wait.
Yes, it would be Halloween
because on his arm, he would be
riding Dracula. Uh ****
tampon man. He'd be riding down
all these different costumes.
It'd be way more fun.
It'd be boo.
Wait, wait. It would be a
fantastic movie though. I really
want to see that. As much as I
don't want to argue against
that because I think it's funny
that you're upset about this.
I want to see it. He does.
He's got a good body. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good body.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I
think that's but I think that's
circumstantial. He just has good
comedic timing. That's all. He
says to our guy, this isn't a
Christmas song. Yeah, it is.
I'm rolling down to something.
I don't know what I'm playing.
It's a song. Ready to go. It's
a Christmas song. Would it be
better if it was a Halloween
movie? It might be. The the bad
guys dress up in costumes.
There's like Master Chief. Wait,
wait. Hold on. I would love to
the yokeyama fucking building or whatever was drenched in green because it was st.
Patti's day would it be then be a st.
Patti movie if the moment he walked into the party or the moment he got to the
taxi. I want to drink some Guinness.
If Orgyle pinched him.
If they don't do it he doesn't go ho ho ho when he walks into the fucking building.
If the terrorists were Irish.
All I'm saying is if he doesn't change his grip it makes sense right?
If he didn't have to change his grip and say oh what a great political point that
would be if it were an IRA related.
If he didn't have to change his grip.
That didn't make any sense.
That made no sense.
It would be a fight on Catholicism if there were an IRA movie.
Wait yeah you're taking your you're you're you're you're disrupting the idea of a
Christmas movie man. It doesn't exist in your head.
So you're saying the Santa Claus if it was about say.
Explain that before Christmas.
Nightmare before Christmas.
Fuck everything you're saying.
Nightmare before Christmas.
Answer the man.
No no he's asking you.
That's a Christmas movie because he brings Christmas to the dead.
Is there Halloween in that movie?
In a Halloween town homies telling me it's a Christmas movie.
Yet this fucking movie that it takes place during a Christmas party is a questionable fucking.
A.
Halloween movie.
And turn that evil and just stop Christmas.
It was like some workshop of error.
But he didn't.
He actually came back.
Fucking Christmas.
And brought Christmas to Halloween.
To like live in that.
It went to the East.
And it's a Christmas movie.
Look.
If you're telling me right now you're comparing two movies.
One that has Halloween in it.
One that has zero Halloween in it.
And you're telling me the one that has Halloween in it is a Christmas movie.
But the other one is.
Okay so you know the tree with the fucking like a Christmas tree door.
Right?
That means Christmas exists.
Wait.
Fuckin what is.
Thank God you wore your ugly Halloween sweaters.
The other way you look at it.
You brought Christmas to Halloween because they didn't even know what presents were.
Correct.
It was all about things.
Exactly.
Which makes them both Christmas movies.
It's those three little kids that like went to go and pick up Santa Claus and they tried to make him take it over.
They're both Christmas movies is what we're trying to say.
Exactly.
So really Hans Gruber and his minions are the three kids and Nightmare for Christmas.
Wait.
You guys were arguing with me?
They were arguing with me.
No your argument was you're saying Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.
I'm not saying it's not a Christmas movie.
I'm just saying.
I changed my mind now. You guys got me all fucked.
I'm saying it happened during Christmas.
It's a pirate movie.
That was the whole argument.
It started from there.
That was the whole argument.
You guys were saying it happened during Christmas but not a Christmas movie.
That's what you were saying.
I didn't say it was a Christmas movie.
Yes or no.
These guys are just being dicks.
Do you see why Nightmare for Christmas would be a Christmas movie?
Yes that's my whole point.
That's why I brought it up. That's why I'm telling you.
That's the whole reason why I brought it up.
Wait.
I'm going to put a time out real quick.
We're going to settle this once and for all.
We're going to deconstruct your crazy brain over here by doing one thing.
Wait. I just want to hear what we're going to do.
Nightmare for Christmas is like a Christmas movie.
Think of a Christmas movie.
Not you.
They're going to say Christmas movie.
You're going to say if it's a Christmas movie or not.
Okay.
I don't want to tell you why.
I don't see a Christmas movie.
It's a fucking Thomas Edison. Go for it.
He's going to tell us if it's a Christmas movie or not.
Go for it. What's a Christmas movie?
Fucking Santa Claus.
Okay. A Christmas movie. Obviously Santa Claus.
Yeah of course.
Die Hard.
That's going to come up in the air.
It has to be a Christmas movie.
Okay.
Home Alone.
Home Alone. Yeah.
I don't remember Home Alone.
Did we get presents instead of the Christmas Home Alone?
That's absolutely Christmas.
I don't think you should be in this conversation anymore.
You can't answer Home Alone is Christmas or not.
I think you give up your right.
In the Christmas conversation.
Wait. The first one is Christmas?
Is Home Alone about Christmas?
It's literally about Christmas.
I like how before this segment
you were like let's not get political about this.
Why is it about Christmas?
I feel like we're dangerously close to getting a Christmas movie.
Why are we going to do ratings?
Yeah we're going to do ratings.
All I know is that just real quick
Jesse thinks he's so fucking slick.
Over here he thinks he's got this giant pot stirrer
and he's just sitting back
just going like let me just get this fucking going.
Let me get everyone over here.
You don't think that I'm fucking watching Jesse
and taking notes?
I thought it was him.
No no no.
He's just pumping you up.
He's the devil's advocate.
Which is so ironic because you're fucking saying Jesus.
Is this a Christmas episode?
Well it's coming out in January.
No it's coming out in January.
Well it's coming out right before January.
It's a New Year's Eve episode.
It's a Christmas movie right?
Okay yeah we'll finish it up. Christmas movie.
Okay yeah.
It's going to be about Christmas.
He said diehard again.
Fuck yeah Tomas.
Is it Grandma's movie?
Yeah it is.
Oh.
Another solid Christmas movie Christmas.
What about Grandma's too?
Yeah.
I know.
Everyone said all my ideas on the last one.
No.
There's only 10 Christmas movies in the whole world.
I know right.
Okay.
There's one I think is the obvious Christmas movie.
Awesome.
Every single one everyone said was each of my backup.
And it just went up to the top.
Oh.
It's a christmas movie.
It's a christmas mass movie.
Is it not open with this boat?
Then what's the fucking point of Christmas bro?
Passion of the Christ.
Just because it has a sad ending doesn't mean it doesn't open with Christmas.
Hey Groundhog did.
It's literally like 10 minutes.
Oh Prometheus.
Didn't you guys just watch that? Isn't that a Christmas movie because it takes place on Christmas?
We didn't just watch that.
But it does.
It's a Christmas movie.
The alien prequel.
They're traveling for like 100 years on this ship.
They finally get to the planet.
And it's Christmas.
And the guy busts out of Christmas trees.
And says it's Christmas back home.
Oh so because.
No.
It starts with Christmas Saturday.
I'm almost done with this.
Let's go one step further.
We're going to shut this down.
I feel like we're trying to make a really big point.
Because you have them.
I love it. This is going to be a great clip.
So all those movies you named off of are obvious Christmas movies.
Like it makes sense it's Christmas.
It has a plot of Christmas.
Santa Claus is somehow involved.
Christmas is somehow involved.
All this happens.
These people in Die Hard.
There is no obvious freaking saying.
No.
Taking place on July 18th.
He's just saying it's going to be the same movie.
There's nothing obvious.
It's Christmas because it was convenient.
When it was.
It was convenient.
It was a Christmas party sure.
But it wasn't a Christmas movie.
Christmas is an integral to the plot.
A skeleton bringing Halloween to it.
Santa Claus is a Christmas movie.
Santa is a Christmas movie.
Santa or bust.
No fucking Santa is no fucking Christmas movie.
Of course the Jesus guy wants to believe in Santa.
We would have weird parameters for Christmas movies.
You should have circled back 10 minutes.
Roll on.
No Santa, no Christmas.
And then we would have fucking known where you stood.
The train movie.
You're standing firmly on the naughty list.
The Polar Express
didn't mention Santa.
But it's obviously going.
The Polar Express didn't mention Santa.
Santa's in the Polar Express.
He's at the end.
The Polar Express is literally a Christmas vehicle.
It makes it a Christmas movie.
This is definitely up in the air.
It's like one of those 50-50 points.
It could have been a July 4th movie.
What do you say?
It did come out in July.
Just so that I don't build a little
of your points.
How about a miracle?
A miracle during Christmas.
That could be kind if you want to interpret it that way.
John and his wife
will be really not getting together.
But he's not getting anything.
Christmas miracle.
Just him winning is also a Christmas miracle.
Al finally got over killing that innocent kid.
Christmas miracle.
Let's just call every fucking movie
that reconsiders each other a fucking crazy movie.
Apparently somehow
loving and kissing each other is all that's interesting.
Call me crazy.
My criteria for a Christmas movie
typically includes
Christmas party,
Christmas music,
Christmas trees, Christmas
music
Christmas trees, Christmas
Christmas
I need
die hard with the vengeance
and you're like
I've decided
Wait wait
What about
next Friday?
What about Mean Girls?
Oh yeah. Friday after next.
Mean Girls, Batman Returns
and there's a Santa Claus in it.
Christmas. Yeah, it's me.
Girls are Christmas movie. Yeah,
there you go. It's me. Girls
Christmas movie.
literally has a kid dressed as
Santa, right? Walking around at
some point. Yeah, none. None.
Girls is a Christmas movie.
They're not. They die hard at
Christmas. It's close. Alright,
it's yeah. What about what
about? Okay, every year around
Christmas, what gets played?
Yeah, they're the Christmas
and Alan Ripman was in die
hard. So, that means
the Christmas movie.
I actually, yeah, they do. They
do. Yeah, the very first, the
very first movie he gets. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Hey, uh just real
quick. Look at this still image
of the movie that I just pulled
up which is Die Hard. They can
live that up for weeks after.
How long do people leave
Christmas lights on their
houses? You're around us
sometimes. They might have been
forgetful. Oh my god. Jesse,
you're a white trash. Jesse,
you're right. Stirring the pot
is fun because I have another
one. Batman Returns takes
place. I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm
not gonna lie. I'm not gonna
lie. Is Batman Returns a
Christsumi? I think. Wait, what
are we? Santa? Santa! Santa!
Santa! Santa! No, that's a
fucking Santa! It's an ornament
just like the fucking tree.
This is a canonically a
Christmas movie according to
the movie. Wait, Santa's gotta
be alive for it to work for you.
The image has been alive and
there's no Christmas movie
ever. What is fucking going on?
There's no holiday cheer here
in this movie.
No fucking time.
So, every time I fuck somebody
it's holiday cheer.
Yeah. It's holiday cheer. It's
like. At a Christmas party,
you're walking around the
table. It's holiday cheer. I
mean, yeah, I suppose. I'd be
cheering with some cocaine.
Yeah. So, she clapping.
In front of your. In front of
your billionaire boss just
straight up. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Even jolly. I've got a new name
for you. You're now Contraria
Jesus. I mean, you think you
just put down on the table like
I get it because he's being
contrarian right now but that
alone is a concept. Could you
think of a contrarian Jesus? We
said we weren't going to do
this. I don't know. You're
pretty Roman right now. B is the
highest. W is the lowest.
Christmas movie and there's not
a Christmas movie. How is that
being comparing to any? It's
coming your way. Grab it. I
don't know, man. No, no, no,
no. You're just going to be
like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm
going to just look it up.
It's fine. It's just a
position. I feel like you just
looked at word up on your phone
while you're.
Okay. You see this face? I'm
too old. I don't have a phone.
Alright, we're doing we're doing
great. We're doing great. We're
doing great. We're let's start
this way because we always we've
been doing it last every ****
time. Awesome. I'm so sorry.
Finally. Okay. So, I'm going to
give this movie a B. The intro,
I had a bunch of notes but once
I got to the end of it, I was
like, oh, that's a good ****
movie. Can you in under a minute
give us a brief rundown of your
notes? Uh yeah. So, if you took
the time to uh starts with that
dweeb saying, make fists with
your feet. Uh no, no snooping
around for presents and then
the kids like, where's dad? Uh
John McClain is autistic because
he rides passenger in the limo.
You're not going to like this
next one. It is a Christmas
movie. First track mentions
Christmas. And the last the
last song is a Christmas song.
Touch screens did not age well.
Argyle's the **** That's how
you do comic relief. First
titties, 23 minutes and 30
seconds. Yeah. Nazi Jeffrey
Dahmer is uh John McClain's
first kill. SWAT guy cut by
flowers. Nice. FBI looks like
dickheads. Ends with Christmas
song. But yeah, I'm going to
give it a solid B and I'm going
to hand it to our uh Christmas
guy. It's a year. Not just
Christmas. You know where he
found this out? Jars.
So, it's a B and one thing that
I want to go to is the um
**** stone right here. It's a
B. If I think about it, I'll
steal it. Yeah, yeah, this is a
it's fine. No one's this
podcast was easy. It could come
back in 20 minutes. It's fine.
Don't worry. I can't wait to
see the wavelengths like going
back to the
podcast. It's it's hey, let's
let's let's not make it
political. Who is this? A
Christmas movie? And then just
wait about 45 seconds. It's
going to just break people's
**** **** But yeah, okay. Uh
Jess.
Oh. Oh. Yeah. Well, it's a good
movie but super cheesy. Dated.
It's a good movie. So, does
that make it an 80s movie? It
was just cheesy. Shut the ****
up. Sorry. I want to say but
that was a good line. That's a
good line. Yes, it is. Okay.
Okay. Here's no. So, you're
just saying, are you going to
just say cheesy? I'm going to
give it to you. Okay, I can see
your point. I'll give it a B.
I really enjoyed it. Did
you just say cheesy? Because
you're all thinking, oh good.
And he doesn't have to scream
at this guy. He's just trying
to get his opinion out. I'm
just saying, I like the movie.
I couldn't agree that it was a
movie. I mean, I'm sure it
happened at Christmas. No,
come on. I like I like I like
your first incident passing the
ball. I'm a solid B and it's a
cultural icon. It tells you
what it's like.
It's a monolith of the 80s.
Solid B as well. Got it. That's
a great answer and he's on the
plane.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. We're not
talking about we're crawling
through a dump. Oh, wait. Real
quick. I'm not sure if you're
ready. Can we talk about
someone who's actually crawled
through the ducts of the
Nacatone Tower? It can be part
of his grade. Yeah, he can tell
us about how accurate it was.
Tell us what. Rated on
accuracy. Company of mine.
Twice a year. And we gotta go
on a little tour there. And we
got to go in the little air
duct. The little air duct and
stuff. We got to hold the
lighters in there. You get to
hold the light. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
What's the name of the building
again? Not yet. Yeah. Is that
actually the name of the
building? It's called Foxt
Plaza. It's in downtown LA right
now. I'm looking at the date of
this picture. Took it Christmas.
Yeah. Oh, he's having is it a
Christmas picture? No, we're
actually, we're actually
scheduled to be there next week
after Christmas. Yeah, we're
If you need to rob the place, I know some terrorists.
What did you rate it?
Solid B?
You can do B+, if you think it's worth the plus.
No, just 1+.
Because we typically have done B movies.
He wasn't planning on watching good movies in the beginning.
Maybe you just don't consider the movies you watch.
I haven't listened to one.
I don't think I've ever listened to an episode.
If we're being brutally honest, I'm terrified.
I feel like I've said some shit on these days.
You don't want to hear all those kissing noises.
Last week, if Inside Baseball over here,
I believe Gaslit made by telling me that I make these kissing noises
throughout the podcast. Listen to Miracle Mile.
Don't listen to that.
But don't listen to it for...
I hate this. I don't even want to talk about this anymore.
Brandon? I give it a B+.
This is hands down one of my favorite movies.
A few times a year.
Can we talk about the next two?
Did they suck?
No, I'm not talking about 2 or 3.
4 or 5.
A Good Day to Die Hard.
Is that the one where he launches a motorcycle?
Sure. Great title. Die Hard with a Vengeance.
And then we have Live Free or Die Hard.
And then a Good Day to Die Hard.
One of them has Jai Courtney.
Cool. Jai Courtney thing.
Leave in the comments.
Kevin Smith is also going to go.
He plays the spider or something.
He's the computer hacker guy.
Kevin Smith? He plays an active part on a cameo?
Kind of. They go to him for information on how to hack shit.
Is he Kevin Smith? No, he's the spider.
John McClane is old and outdated and doesn't know how to deal with technology.
He relies on Justin Long to get him through his fucking things.
I watched it. They launched a motorcycle or something into a helicopter.
And I don't even know if it was a war or after the fight.
Are we all in agreement?
He's surprised that John McClane is still a cop after 4 of these incredible incidents.
We're going to have a big one on Stone.
He's getting too old for this shit.
How did he survive the crimes he committed on this one?
He dropped C4 down an elevator shaft.
Blew out a floor of a building that had people in it.
I was doing what I had to do. He was getting rid of pirates.
I'm so sorry. He was defeating pirates.
I guess. Modern day swashbuckling.
The cop gets away with his hunch just by saying I have a hunch.
This is an alternate type universe. The pulp fiction universe exists in a world
where they say the theory is that the inglorious bastards happened.
In a world where Hitler was super killed with ultraviolence in a public way.
That it okayed superviolence throughout the years.
That's why we don't see cops in the pulp fiction time.
That's why they can go around gunning each other down because cops have better things to do than worry about gun violence.
So what world does Die Hard exist in?
Where it's just like John... Christmas time.
You know what happens? Jack Skellington opens that door.
There are cops in the pulp fiction world because of Reservoir Dogs.
Is Reservoir Dogs a canon Tarantino inverse movie?
Or is that a movie that the guys from pulp fiction watch?
Because Django is a movie that John Travolta's character in pulp fiction would go to the movie theaters to watch.
Is this a past timeline? Is it a movie that he watched? Is Reservoir Dogs also a movie that they watched?
Or is that an universe one?
No, because they continue their characters into the other movies.
So Reservoir Dogs...
Michael Madsen's character in Reservoir Dogs is Vincent Vega's brother.
So those are connected for sure.
It's a theory I said. Jesus!
B? What was your grade?
B. Is that okay?
Can I say B? I already want to argue.
I don't actively look out on you guys.
I'm just very passionate.
And in charge.
Mike, under a minute what have you got?
I like to be intellectual masterpieces.
As Jake Peralta would say, yippee-ki-yay, mother buckets.
That's good. That is a good alternate.
B+.
There's nothing not to like about it.
Sean, first time viewer, no nostalgia going into it. You just heard about it.
In the sphere of your life growing up, people talked about it.
What's your grade?
It's good. I enjoyed it.
I'd probably give it a B.
It's fun for me.
You see a lot of the things other movies have ripped off.
The scene where they're laughing at each other hysterically.
Like I said earlier, the dialogue between the cop and John McClane is so cheesy and fun.
It makes me smile. It's bad in a good way.
Which is why I give it a high grade still.
What's hilarious about that is you talk about age difference.
I'm his age.
Living the timeline through two different views is the dialogue you find is stilted.
It's like what real people talk like that.
It's not bad dialogue. It's actually good dialogue.
The lines have changed.
That's how people sounded.
Someone in the 80s walking up to the drugs store and saying, I've told you a thousand times I love you.
I've never said I'm sorry.
Today it's like, so bitch here's my Riz.
She gave it a C because she thought it was cheesy.
She had only seen the movies last year for the first time.
It's not real.
It wasn't cheesy at the time.
Which I understand that going in. Which is why I still like it. Which is why I understand that it's good.
I would think that even if it's a different time.
But it's still, I'll even admit, a little cheesy.
We all have to admit, there are lines, put, the cop breaking his finger up a rose
is the oddest choice to leave in a movie.
It's like, we need this to be an hour
31 and a half minutes. What do we got? We have an hour 31
and 20 seconds. We need a 10 second scene. How about that
extra that pricked his finger on the fucking rose when we had the
stormtrooper scene of them stupidly running up to the building.
Because super fucking cheesy. We're looking at the best parts because
we love it so much. But yeah, there are some super
cheesy fucking moments. But many modern action movies are also super fucking cheesy.
You know what I mean? Like Expendables, all that shit. But that's what I expect. I have an action
movie. That's what I like about it. That's why I say it with love into it. You know what I mean?
It's like a... Is Command the War or Arnold Schwarzenegger?
There's a scene where it's like a five minute
uncut shot in my mind where it just starts at his feet.
He's just strapping up for war. He's putting on his boots each lace
and then he puts on his socks. It's actually like 30 seconds.
He's putting each gun into each secret little thing. He goes cocking every gun three times. You've seen that, right?
You know what I'm talking about? I love it.
I love it so much. You know one of those cheesy moments
comes in a circle like what Sean was saying about you see all the rip offs in the other movies?
Crawling through the vents. The hysterical laughing. And of course the I'm Sergeant
So-and-so I'm in charge here. And they're like, not anymore.
Oh, the South Park did that so good. Oh wait, was it South Park?
They've done it, yeah. Oh, they've done it. Oh, they were playing cops and then some other kids
came over playing FBI and some other folks came over playing FBI. I think that might be
what's wrong with modern cops is this movie. I mean they see this when
they're kids and it gets in their head and that's how they... That's a hole. That's what they think a cop is.
I'm about to kick this fucking thing over. We don't do politics on this show!
I don't fucking do it!
Those aren't modern cops anymore. Those kids that grew up in the 80s
are not like this.
No, actually, if we could talk about Al shooting that kid all day long.
Love shooting kids. What a fucking brazen thing to just admit.
I need this guy to trust me.
I can't pick up a gun because I'm Sean the innocent kid.
He can pick up a Twiggy though.
I absolutely love this movie.
There's not a scene I don't enjoy watching.
It's kind of like in my mind a perfect action movie. So I give it a B+.
So I think judging from the consensus minus one...
I like it. I'll give it a C+.
No pressure. This absolutely averages out to a B.
I don't think there's any argument here.
Folks, for Fried Rice Podcast, Die Hard gets a B. Good job, Die Hard!
Set us up for the future. It's a perfect way to end season one.
Well, no, we're not ending it there.
No, I'm just saying it's the reason we did that movie.
It's a good last movie.
So, before we get into what we're going to recommend for next year,
for the first episode of next season,
we're going to do a little bit of...
I was going to do favorite moments of the season, and I was like, I can't remember shit.
Anything you want to shout out? You're a listener, Brendan.
Anything you remember that was fun?
I can't remember.
This was a good segment.
A whole fucking 10 minute argument.
That's pretty much every episode.
That's every episode.
Shout out to our Patreon user, Destiny.
Everyone give it up for Destiny.
Let's give a shout out to the people that listen.
They showed me their Spotify accounts. Let's give it up to Sean and Teresa.
And then, of course, I mentioned to her at the top of the episode,
we love her, she's our mascot, she's never been on an episode,
and we hate her for that. What are you doing, Kaylee?
So, I went to Burger King the other night,
and I should have, but it was late, it was after work, and I went there.
And I noticed that there was a toy of Batman theme.
So, I asked on the intercom, how much is one of them toys?
And she's like, just come around.
And she hands me my meal and a toy.
And then she hands me a crown.
I'm like, I don't need a crown.
She hands me the crown, and I go, oh, I'm okay.
She's like, well, if you're going to give your kid a toy, you might as well give him the crown.
I was like, is this for my kid?
That was a wake up call.
It's like when you order extra drinks so that you look like
it's more than one person eating all that food. You know what I mean?
That's the decoy for the crown.
These four combos are not for me only.
If I'm at Walmart and I've got like six or seven lunchables
ready to go, and someone stops me, I'm not going to pretend to have kids.
I'm just going to own up to it and be like, yeah, I live alone.
No one can stop me. And I love the taste of turkey and American cheese on some cracker fish.
What are you going to do with it?
And this cute little candy bar.
If you approach Andy by walking away,
Mike gets it. Did you hear Mike? He agreed and he said, Andy, get a little candy bar.
Get a little crunch or you get some Oreo knockoffs.
Or if you're lucky, what's that model?
The one with the almond joy. No one puts Andy's mints in a lunchable.
They sure do.
Did you almost say chili?
I almost said China, but I came at him pretty hard earlier.
I don't want to upset China too much.
Whole Foods Lunchables are just different, Andy.
I can see you getting asked about those lunchables way too many times and then you just get so mad you explain to them how good it is
to microwave the little pizzas.
I was like, how could you fucking read my mind?
Because I talked about this on stage.
But yeah, no, absolutely. If you're going to buy, you microwave those little fucking lunchable pepperoni pizzas
all day long. They're not bad.
They were better when it was that Tombstone sauce, but then I think Tombstone wanted their own
people to buy their own shit.
Tombstone Gate 1934
What's that?
Actually, you want to...
I would say food related, probably the most
autistic thing I've ever done is I looked up
what's the best hamburger helpers?
What are the best? I found a ranked list and I looked through it
and cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, right up near the top.
I'm like, okay, of course, because that's what everyone gets, but it wasn't number one.
And you know what number one was? It's the one that I buy every single time now.
Do I have your attention?
Just wait for this ad. I'm just kidding. We're not going to do more ads. I'm just kidding.
It's tomato basil penne.
Okay.
We're in different states, but thanks.
Fucking real class act over here.
Thanks for the flashback.
To Austin's Paltry 3 hours.
What were we talking about?
Hamburger helpers.
Tomato basil penne.
Jesus Christ, the more I say it, it sounds like gibberish.
Tomato basil penne. Anyway, you get sausage
instead of hamburger. And you make a sausage tomato basil
penne. It changes the game of what that helper can help you with.
I don't know, but I love it.
Well, that was my update. It was the Burger King thing and I guess
a little added thing, hamburger helper. I think there's too many of us to get into
how your weeks have been.
We're probably running pretty long.
So we'll put a cherry on the top.
Because of earlier.
Full circle before the party.
Did you guys have a good time, everyone?
I definitely don't believe in God.
I don't believe in God.
You said no.
We should have ended with a clapping.
I need royalty free music.
We gotta pick a movie for next year.
I already picked my suggestion.
We already said it.
I know I'm high, but what happened?
I have my suggestion. I knew you guys said it was supposed to be bad movies.
I'm going to have to write these down. There's so many of them. I don't know if everybody has them.
Sean, what's yours?
Is it Killing Them Softly? Have you all seen that?
Give us a brief. What is it?
It's got Brad Pitt in it, directed by Andrew Dominic. It's when a duo of insect crooks are hired to
rob a mob run poker game and crush local criminal economy. Vengeance is sought via
a reluctant hitman.
This is weird, but because
we're trying to get our sponsorship by Tubi,
I thought I'd go with something we haven't done. A Tubi Original, which I didn't even know existed until
it popped up. They're making their own stuff now.
There's a Tubi Original. It popped up on
the internet. The Devil Goes to Kansas City.
It's an action horror.
It's a revenge flick. It's like it said something like
somebody's daughter gets raped in Kansas City and a farmer from Iowa
goes down to get all his revenge. It's one of those revenge flicks.
What are you doing to me? Are you doing it during Christmas time?
I have no idea. I don't know the movie.
This is our own. This episode is going to air
I think on the 30th. It will be the New Year's season.
This is the end of the year. We're doing next year's first season.
Jesse, you got anything? Yeah.
It's a new movie that I'm loving. Sort of.
It's from 2022. It's called Corrective Measures.
As tensions rise among supervillain inmates and corrupt staff,
the march toward anarchy begins in the world's most dangerous maximum security prison.
Starring Bruce Willis. What?
Michael Rooker, Tom Kavanaugh, some other people.
Again, it was made in 2022. I don't know.
It was made by I don't know when it was released.
It's a Tubi Original. It's a Tubi Original. Yeah, I just want to see
what Bruce Willis is acting is like more currently.
Yeah, no, that's OK. Also,
yeah, yeah, well, that's the fascination. Yeah, it's like
how this is going to be. Yeah. OK. I went with Guns
Akimbo starring Daniel Radcliffe.
Daniel Radcliffe. Yeah. A young man must rely on his newly
acquired gladiator skills to save his ex-girlfriend from
a ringleader and his gang of religious. Basically, the one where he wakes up
with guns attached to his. Yeah. What? It is the anime.
In my mind, I'll say right now, I've already circled your two. Yeah.
I love the way this is ramping up. If it just gets cooler and cooler.
Austin, there's a lot of writing on your shoulders because again, I started
with that. You don't let go. It will stop.
OK, we're stopping. Oh, Jeremy doesn't have one. Audrey, you got one?
It could be anything that I would like you guys do. It'd have to be Tubi. Yeah. I don't know.
Just look behind you and pick one. OK, well, not here.
That's what I do. My list is on here.
Is it Scanner Darkly? That's what happened to me. I think that's where I pick from.
That's leaving soon. When is soon? Is it Scanner Darkly?
Is it Fear Loading in Las Vegas on Tubi? I think they did that.
You guys did Fear Loading? No, we talked about it. I don't think we ever did.
There's an episode named like roughly Fear Loading. OK, Audrey's is Fear Loading. I don't think
it's on Tubi, but fuck it. She's my sister. I love you.
OK, neither was on us.
His list was leaving soon. Guys, what did you have on your list last night? I have two actually.
One would be Naja Born Killers.
That was written like Quentin Tarantino. And then Cobra.
With Sloan to stay like a bee kind of 80s.
OK, so that's me and the guy. Good Beaver cheating the system.
I'm going to be picking two movies.
First time on the show. Risky fucking move.
We'll see if I allow it.
Next we have the Dalai Lama himself.
It's called an awesome action movie.
That's the name of it? That's the name of it, yeah.
And it's Wild. One of their mamas away for a few days.
And then their film aficionado brothers decide to make their first movie
with a kidnapped action star as their lead.
Well, OK, good job, Sully.
You were much more passionate about
Santa Claus earlier. Jess?
I didn't research one, but if votes count.
Later, if you vote absolutely count and we vote for that.
I'm all excited.
Well, don't call me out for it.
Just because she's a woman doesn't mean I can't cut her off.
It wasn't about her womanliness.
I didn't do any research and can't beat any of those.
So after I watched Die Hard last night, I went back on YouTube
and I saw this video about the movie Cobra, which he just mentioned, and that was going to be my choice.
He already said it.
But I had a backup and if you haven't done it already, it's Prometheus.
Oh, shit. OK.
So, Andy, yours is?
Mine is Lord of the Flies.
Because I think Lord of the Flies is classic. It's based on a book we all read in high school.
There's a lot to deconstruct. I've never seen a movie adaptation of it.
It's a kid. So like for me, it just sounds like something I would enjoy.
But that's again, just that's something that you all don't give a shit.
That's what Lord of the Flies. It doesn't it's not going to happen.
It's going to be one of these way cooler things. I'm going to vote for mine.
All right. Here we go. We can kind of reenact it on the podcast.
I've got a spear. Somebody bend over.
Who's piggy? Is that what you said?
Who's going to be piggy in the front of the book? Who's the one that got the spear up yet?
I think piggy.
He got the spear up his ass and he falls off the fucking cliff?
I am so glad I don't know.
I'm just glad I don't know.
Is that what Pink Floyd's all about?
I don't know.
I've never read it.
Anyway, let's vote.
Raise your hand if you want killing them softly.
I would raise my hand.
Everything automatically has one vote. Who wants the Tubi Original?
The devil goes to Kansas City.
I feel like not knowing anything.
Not that we're shitting on the Tubi Originals. I mean, great. Make Originals all day long. We want you as a sponsor.
Please sponsor us. We've been specifically picking.
But if you don't fucking sponsor us, I'll tell you this. Pluto's right around the corner.
Sling TV. Streaming 123movies.china.net.
They want China to sponsor us?
I'll find something motherfuckers, but please do sponsor us.
Alright, so Tubi Original. I'm sure it's amazing. The devil goes to Kansas City.
No one voted for it. We now have Bruce Willis again.
Double trouble. We're going to do two in a row, I guess. Corrective measures.
Superheroes and shit. Sounds really good. Super villains.
Incorrectional facility. Anyone voting for it? Vote now!
I want that one. Yeah.
Guns Akimbo.
With Daniel Radcliffe. I've seen it. It's good.
He wakes up with fucking guns attached to his hands and he has to just survive
the fucking day. It's intense. Who wants Guns Akimbo?
Shit. Seven. You're allowed to vote twice.
I voted for two. It's nine.
Audrey with
if it's on Tubi or not, fear loathing.
There's really no reason for anything not to get votes.
Because this new system I just came up with.
So if you have a movie with no votes, no offense, Sean.
It's on purpose. Awesome action movie.
Give it a vote. What's it called? Awesome action movie.
Anyone?
Three votes for that one. Perfect.
I skipped Natural Born Killers.
Natural Born Killers? No, no.
I will say this. Because he broke the rules. I'm breaking the rules.
It's Natural Born Killers and Cobra. The first time you've done a double movie.
If you want to vote for that. Maybe Austin could absorb the Cobra vote.
I do like Cobra. It's a double movie.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Pretend it's like Brian House.
Prometheus. Raise your hands.
Anyone?
We could have a
vote.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Seven for killing them softly.
And the last one was Lord of the Flies.
Eight for Lord of the Flies.
Now we have to have a voting tiebreaker.
We have the to be original. The devil goes to Kansas City
with zero fucking votes.
Way to killing them softly have the two previous votes from the other.
We have corrective measures with two.
We have guns akimbo with nine. Our winner. And then the rest all got
a lot. More than
the to be original. The devil goes to Kansas City.
We're going to smoke your joint.
Great.
The devil goes to
Kansas City.
We're going to get some
royalty free metal music to close this bitch out on.
I don't think I'm ready for an extra.
Extra.
Outro.
I've run out of gas.
There's so many of you.
This guy took so much out of me.
Looking at a picture of Santa Claus.
And he doesn't think it's on fucking.
I'm going to go with the Christmas party.
Did you mention Santa Claus?
They also have.
How about just every December we bring him back for a debate.
Let's not get back in.
When you think.
You think he's
going to be a little bit
dark in Africa.
You must believe.
Did midnight occur within the movie.
You can watch it on the website.
I think maybe
it starts a Christmas movie and then at midnight it stops being a Christmas movie.
It just occurred to me that our government spends millions of dollars.
No politics.
Ladies and
gentlemen.
This has been.
Started on a little shake.
This has been the season finale of the fried rice fucking podcast.
We're going to start from the right this time.
With me as always.
They didn't give me any weed either.
With me as always.
He's the one I trusted.
When I first met him he used to wear suits to take care of himself.
He was probably 20 pounds lighter and probably crushed a lot more ass.
And now I look at him and I think maybe my life isn't that bad.
Thanks.
With us as always is John.
Give him any opportunity to tell you he's the humanitarian
community.
With us as always is Jess.
The pillar community. She's done so much for me.
For comedy, for fried rice podcast. She's amazing.
We love her. Terry.
With us as always is a fucking scrooge.
A real fucking.
What does he say?
If it ain't Santa, it ain't him.
What's your first name again? Dustin.
The Dolly Lama Lava.
Everybody should learn their Christmas movies.
Get out of my fucking house.
Get out and go to
heaven as soon as possible.
With us as always.
He must work for some fucking seedy government agency himself.
Because no one knows his real name. It's Tomas Collins.
Hello.
What am I supposed to say?
You just said goodbye.
Why?
Just say anything other than hello.
With us as always.
This music is making you crabby.
With us as always is my little sister.
My favorite sister. Sorry.
If she's not there at a family gathering, it feels a little bit stiff.
I always feel better when she's there at the table because I know I've got someone who's got my back consistently.
Except for that one time earlier in the podcast when he totally threw me under the bus.
I forgot what it was about. But I'm holding it against you for the rest of your life. Fuck you!
But it's my little sister. I love her. Audrey Rice!
It's penne pasta, bitches. Peace out.
With us as always.
With us as always is
I hope he becomes my brother-in-law one day. Let me put it that way.
He's amazing. He's a hugger. He's been in the
Nakatomi Tower air-shacked himself. It's Jeremy Rigdon!
Bye.
With us as always.
Oh man, does it work as well? Hold on.
Oh, this is not as good.
Yep, yep. Yep, here we go.
With us as always
is Britain!
Shifty!
How's it going, everybody?
With us as always is Jesse.
He's really, actually I give him a lot of shit, but he's done a lot for the podcast.
He's added some music. Our episodes sound better
with a part of it. I really appreciate you. I wish I could pay you.
You're worth a lot more than I give you credit. Lee Hart!
Thank you, sir. I appreciate you. With us as always
he's the most OG here. Not just
because he was born before the internet was a
sparkle in some nerd's eye. You know what I mean? We're talking
about the 60s. He's from the 60s!
That's how old he is. But he's so OG, he's been here since the beginning. Not quite the beginning
because he had a fucking heart attack earlier this year. A heart attack
that has bankrupted him. That has just made him into a monster
when it comes to these movies. He's grumpy. He's a real pill.
But we love him. And we keep him on here. And we give him time.
It's Michael! Lucky to be alive! Slapstick Larson!
It's basically just Slapstick.
And with us as always is Sean. Again
he had a really kind of awkward drug-fueled reunion
on Friends and then a year later died in a hot tub if his name
was Matthew Perry! The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is my favorite
Christmas movie. God damn it!
I mean, wait, no, I'm me. I am the host!
I am your host, Andy Rice!
This has been Fried Rice Podcast. We have been incredibly
fried. Thank you so much. Join us next year. We'll see you then.
Thank you all so much. I love you all. Thank you!