Okay, this is the second official podcast of the second episode of the Say Last podcast
with your host Caroline Jones.
And yes, I am just going to be rambling a little bit more, but I want to take this time
to listen like I say. We're going to be talking about anything and everything on this podcast.
So if you want anything to be spoken about specifically, you can definitely let me know.
But this is this official podcast of the second episode is just why I don't believe in the
one. You know, I don't think that there's one specific person for everybody who's ever
lived, who's ever going to live. And maybe at one point when people were talking about
their soulmate or this, there was one point in my life where I probably did kind of fall
under that line. And I was thinking that would be so nice to kind of have that to have that
experience. But I don't believe that anymore that there's a specific one designated for
each individual person. Because you might spend your whole life wondering why you haven't
found that individual. Or even am I supposed to be with this individual? Am I not? It can
get you questioning a lot of different things. Also, like that is just like an okay kind
of way of looking at things, as well as just the premise that oh, well, I've been told,
oh, you have like an apartment now, like when are you going to find a guy? Like it's like,
what prompted that conversation? Well, because I have a kitchen because honestly, those different
ideologies or you get the classic one is do you have your eye on anybody? Have you found
anybody down that way? Like it's like, no, but again, just, you know, in the nicest way
possible, keep your mouth shut on those types of things. Because honestly, you for one,
you don't know what's going through. Second of all, like I say, that is just a very difficult
thing. Especially when you are the female and you have like these people who are like
putting some sexist comments and those are some of the more tamer ones that people can
say. But the reason so first of all, do not believe in the one because you can get yourself
in this tailspin of wondering if you ever met that person, what are you, what are you
going to do? Like, did I completely miss the ball? And sometimes, and there are divorces
for a lot of different reasons. Okay. And sometimes with start of marriages, we wonder,
why do they seem so great together? But they are constantly obsessing over the one maybe
that got left behind because, you know, that is definitely the one that got away. And we
can replay that over and over in our heads till we think we made the wrong decision by
walking away. You know, if a situation ship doesn't go anywhere, it doesn't go anywhere.
And that is probably a sign that you're not meant to be together. I used to beat myself
up about that. Like, okay, we're in this thing. I don't know even what they call it. But these
situationships, they are almost as draining as a relationship because you put forth so
much effort, you try to be that person for them. And if you know, and sometimes you know
that they think the same way about you and it's like, dude, why? Why haven't you moved
on? Why haven't you like picked up phone? Like all these different things. When things
don't happen, we often sit in that place of remorse, regret. And it becomes this cycle,
this continual cycle of just beating ourselves down. So my advice and what I've kind of
learned is if a situation ship doesn't go anywhere, or even if nothing ever happens,
it was not meant to be. Like at all. And I know that sounds like difficult to hear.
I know it's like I completely fumbled on that relationship. And it's one of those situations
you don't know who's more deploying. Is it the individual that didn't do anything? Because
the other one in the relationship didn't seem to even make ends meet. So first of all, like
in this podcast, I'm going to just tell you about like the reasons why people feel like
they don't need that one or they feel stuck. But then like another reason that people may
feel stuck in that is they have seen their family members like struggle with different
categories. And honestly, I'm not saying that your parents are the one to blame because
you have a very horrible and toxic relationship with your boyfriend. Because your parents
might have been the best things since Spice Bread. They might have been. But while we
can learn good, healthy relationships from our family and from our parents, we can also
learn harmful and horrible different ways to kind of be in a relationship. The way that
I view that is and I view this with anything in my relationship in life, not just relationships.
I was talking about relationships so much that anyway, that's a whole different story.
Is imagine like a rose that rose is beautiful. Yes. And you can admire that rose. It has
definitely the ones and different characteristics that make it not pretty and can maybe stab
you in the back. But that rose is still beautiful. Now, honestly, if a person has more thorns
than even like beauty or more red flags and even green flags, you better not go. Or boy,
you just better run from that whole situation because it's not really worth it just kind
of holding yourself back. And you end up being the one who it and and cut and you end up
in a this is us type of relationship where you're like, I fell down the stairs. We both
know you didn't fall down the stairs. I can tell that. So don't don't lie to me with that.
But anyway, that's like another maybe that should be like a whole like the toxic relationships
should be a whole nother episode in enough itself just because that is like a deep dark
wound. But basically, all I'm going to say is I with that is I hear people all the time
just saying, oh, he's a little bit of rough around the edges or she's a little bit rough
around the edges. You know what glass is rough around the edges. But I don't know about you,
but I've had glass like in my foot in my hand, everywhere but where it's meant to be. And
you're basically playing with fire and expecting not to get burned. Like, how is that even
possible? Anybody I digress from that. So basically, we see these different like relationships
in our families. Because our families, this is an original thought if someone has thought
of it before me, I guess it's not that original. But it's something I've continually thought
about, like, even when I was a kid, our families prepares for life, whether for good or not
so good. The family unit kind of shows you, okay, this is how a relationship is supposed
to look. This is how a individual is supposed to respect their spouse and their partner
for life. And a lot of times, if you're looking towards finding that one, you may even hear
things about like someone in the relationship is no longer satisfied. Maybe because they
were looking for the one, maybe because certain things happen and they realized or they thought
that they realized that that person wasn't worth fighting for. And in any relationship,
whether that's friendship, or that is a romantic relationship, or even family, you have to
like work with it. It's not going to be easy. If anything, it is sometimes going to drive
you up a wall. But it is definitely worth it and worth the risk of having that other
person angry at you. I would rather you have me, you be angry at me. And we know at least
we can work something out. If you're angry with me, or upset with me, I know that there
is a least we have at least a funny chance because you expressed an emotion, you expect
it showed a difficult emotion sets kind of like bubbling up at the surface or has been
bubbling for a while. And you were vulnerable enough to share that with me. You may be saying
at the top of your lungs, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. But at least at the end of
the day, we know we'll reverse stand. We know. Now do I think that there needs to be that
time where it's just like, okay, we need to reflect, we need to be able to express how
we're doing in a healthy manner? Yes, absolutely. But sometimes we don't have those tools and
we don't know that we don't have those tools and chill kind of that rubber meets the road.
And we're like, oh man, I don't have like my tool belt. I don't have all of these things
that I should have for like a healthy, well built relationship. And so the point to maybe
like finding that person, I relate more to like finding a person, being able to do life
with them and celebrate like the small business you celebrate mine, I'll celebrate yours.
We can talk about what's really going on for without fear of judgment. This is how I see
like a healthy relationship. You know what? You may have some red flags, but it's not
going to be detrimental to our relationship because we can work these out or we can even
seek professional guidance on the topic. And I know I thought that for some people it's
like hit and miss. I truly believe in seeking professional like LISP LPC type of material.
Now if you feel more in an LCSW or so an LPC is licensed professional counselor, LCSW is
licensed clinical social worker. If you feel more comfortable in that atmosphere, by all
means, I'm a woman LPC person myself, just because my background is in psychology and
never really wanted to go into social work. That being said, have worked with some social
workers in my career, even have some family members who are on the social work spectrum.
We have different opinions that doesn't, but at the end of the day, we can agree to disagree
with that. Anyway, so like seeking professional guidance is definitely definitely one at the
top like pinnacles of success in your relationship. Understanding because on both sides, there
may be some generational like trauma that has or mainly maybe it might just be on one side
of the relationship. But there might be some generational signs that you didn't realize
were incorrect or unhealthy coping mechanisms of dealing with the problem. Or maybe you
did and that's why you're like, I'm never going to treat my spouse the way that my
parent treated so and so. Like maybe you do recognize that. Great. Then we can like move
on. We can place an all on the table without like a screaming match or like a power struggle.
You know, tell people this is what you're going with going through. If you know, while
I don't believe in the one, I do believe that if I feel safe with you, that's kind of my
big venture. If I feel safe with you, then maybe we can make this into a relationship.
If I don't and I am constantly like fidgeting with something, I'm a fidgeter by heart. I
get that. I sometimes get really bad anxiety with different things. But I understand that
about myself. And sometimes I have to get myself a couple of times before I feel comfortable
with you. And if you are anything like me, the first time that we hang out, even if it's
just in a friendship, I don't want there to be any pressure. I will not hang out with
you in a dark theater. Just saying. Just because you know, part of me being safe is not feeling
like I am isolated. And even though you have like hundreds of people in a theater, it's
just not like a good combo. Also, you're not talking with a person for the most part, unless
you are me and you talked about the whole movie. But we can go like getting coffee. That does
not feel, I love getting coffee. So getting coffee with someone is not going to feel like
an obligation to me that this is a date. The moment that my brain like thinks date and
just kind of hears that, I'm just like, I kind of shut down and any messages, anything, it's
just going to be all left on the bed. So just saying I'm that type of person where it's
like I will not text you, I will not call you back if I feel like it's too far gone.
And there's no, we're talking back from that. And then like the thing is, if you are truly
seen by this individual and I don't mean they just like see you analogy in the hallway and
I mean, like truly they know your weaknesses, they know when you're having a bad day without
you having to like explain like a million different things to them. And honestly, I know some
people just don't really want people to notice that. And I will say it is definitely scary
like having someone know you back and forth and just everywhere around. I've had some
friends where I've tried to tell them I'm okay. And they're like, I don't believe you.
And then, you know, it ends up being a crisis. And then I spill my whole guts. But there
was freedom in that freedom and not having to have your guards up and have your walls
continually up each and every time that you meet with this person. And that goes back
to the feeling safe part. First of all, if you feel safe enough to meet with the person,
but you're going to feel safe enough to share those parts of you that might be annoying,
might be a little bit extra or just in general, you feel overwhelmed and you don't know if
you can be yourself. The one who takes you away from whatever is like bothering you and
allows you to take that step back and breathe. And you are there for them too. I think I
was like listening to another podcast or it might have been like a video segment type
of thing. But basically, the individual was saying, everybody always says that a relationship
or a marriage, whatever, should be like 50-50. And she's like, that's not necessarily true.
Sometimes you don't come to the table. Now I am paraphrasing a little bit about what
she said. So, and my husband came out there, but I'm paraphrasing a little bit about what
she said. Basically, sometimes you come to the table and you only have 10% that day.
And I'm just doing easy math too. Math is not my strong suit. And so she was so there
for your partner or your partner in crime, whatever, they can be like, I got you that
90%. And sometimes you both like I'm so drained, I only have 10% both ways. So that only makes
up for like 20, 20%. I can't, I can't cover you like that whole way. So how are we going
to connect with each other? How are we going to relate in a way that isn't a swim match?
That isn't me projecting onto you like, Oh, I've had a horrible day at work. You think
you know what that's like? Like, first of all, that accomplishes nothing. It's just one person
feeling horrible and heartbroken that maybe they were screamed at and maybe they just
like, well, I'm done with you. I'm done with this relationship. Because it all a relationship
is basically about building that trust and choosing day after day. They're like, you
know what? We are going to have a hard times and a hard in battles. We might even battle
with each other. But at the end of the day, I'm not leaving. We're completely different
people. But we can definitely learn how to like maybe split the task. You're I'm just
going to go like a little bit. Just because she is your wife does not mean that she's
the one that has to be like cooking in the kitchen every single day. This honestly going
to be some days I don't feel like making dinner, having everything beautiful and lovely and
just yeah, there's going to be some days where I don't I'm not going to be feeling
my best to even have everything done. And you know what? Maybe on those days, the other
person in the relationship chooses to be the best person and be like, okay, you don't
have that. That's okay. I will spot you. Kind of when you're in the gym, and you're lifting
this big weight off your shoulder. In order to not be hurt and harmed by that weight that's
just maybe feels like it's crushing down on you. You have someone what is called spot
you make sure that you are doing the movements right that you're not going to harm yourself
in the battle. That's kind of what it has to be like. You are going to spot the other
person, make sure that they don't harm themselves and be safe to be safe with their mental health
because I mean, anything is going to take time to kind of like overcome that battle.
And what I've seen some individuals do is they just keep sweeping it under the rug, sweeping
their issues continually under the rug, not letting the other person know what's really
going on, not knowing how they feel about a certain issue. Like truly feel not an anger
but just laying it out on the table. It ends up in a lot of slam doors and broken conversations,
broken relationships. But because the issues never resolved, ever something comes up that
pressure cooker just kind of bubbles up over the surface. And you see that frustration,
that anger, that resentment towards this other individual time and time again. And I'm not
saying that's the only reason that people leave a relationship. But when you're here,
people say I'm not happy. Or, well, even if you have kids, it's like, well, we still love
you but mommy and dad don't love each other anymore. Well, why is that the case? Because
you forgot how to make the relationship. First of all, a friendship, the be in connection
with that person. I've had people I have literally literally screamed in their face. Or even
told them, no, you're wrong. You shouldn't be going down this path. You shouldn't block
whatever the case may be. Some people have been like, you know what? Because you call
me out on this, I don't want to be friends with you anymore. Or sometimes I'm like, you
know what? This is the way that this makes me feel. When you do X, Y and Z, you find out
how who the true people are who are willing to stay in your life are at this particular
moment. And because of the fear of someone evacuating out of my life and not giving any
explanation, you know what? I am literally scared to death ever being in a relationship.
Because you know what? I think I'm going to be all like my, I'm going to have a starter
marriage. I have even thought, okay, I'm going to have a starting marriage. No one is going
to want me because I am too much. I'm too extra. I'm annoying. I have my own issues.
They don't want to deal with that. And it's not fear to completely rely on them. Completely
about everything that's going on, going haywire in your life. It's not fear to them. I'm going
to be a burden. And while, yes, you don't want to cause them pain, you don't want to
be a burden. The people who stay stay because they want to stay. Not because they have to.
And it is taking me a long time to realize that. Because it's often if you're like,
oh, someone goes to you or something that you think that you did something wrong. And
if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you did something wrong, then for sure, yeah,
you need to come clean with that. But it seems like maybe a 5% chance that you did something
wrong. I mean, you're going to end up obsessing about it. Continue. Sometimes. So just remember
the people who stay in your life are the people who want to stay. Not if they go see you. And
they don't ever respond to you. Maybe they're not meant to be there. And I realize sometimes
you do need a distance yourself. But if it's a relationship and you know you're going to
be there for the long call, you at least need to try to make it work. You might need to
say, you know what, I need a breather. I can't deal with this. I can't deal with you right
now. But we're going to come back, you zoom this conversation and be better than we've
ever been before. If you can at least place that on the table, I think at least you have
a funny chance. And yes, I have like found myself crying a little bit while filming this
podcast a little bit. So I don't think you can hear that in my voice. But while that's
the end of the second episode for the Say Less podcast, I hope that you join again like
next Wednesday because I am filming this on Wednesday. But when you actually listen to
this episode, it's going to be on Saturday, June 10. Yep. How to look on the calendar.
Well, I hope that you enjoyed this episode. If you do have any comments or questions or
any specific topic that you know needs to be addressed, just make sure that you let me
know and I will try to address that in a later episode. Well, have a great rest of your day
and I'll see you next week.