Hello, welcome back to another episode of the Say Less podcast.
I'm your host, Caroline Jones, and I know it's been a while.
Sometimes I go through different seasons of being super busy and then also just hanging
out with people, trying to get to know people.
Life just is life sometimes.
But with all that being said, we're going to jump into today's segment.
It's probably going to be a long one, so strap your seatbelt in and get ready.
But basically, red flag or green flag edition, and this is in relationships, kind of been
going through different seasons of life.
In the series or the episode season that I'm in, it's just...
Sometimes you catch feelings and then you're just like, if I catch feelings, I either need
a coffee or a lobotomy.
I don't know which one.
Sometimes just have days like that.
I'm probably the only one that ever feels that way because it's like something has got
to be mentally wrong with me because honestly, this is not me.
Like, that's just definitely not me.
It's just never has been, probably never will be.
But we're just going to go...
So honestly, I think that being said, I don't know if right off the jump you're going to
feel comfortable with someone.
You need to gradually get to know that person and then...
But the reason why I decided to do this episode is because my mind has been just messed up
in the head.
And then I've been like talking to other friends and they're going through things.
They're telling me to be careful, don't hurt yourself, blah blah blah.
I'm already been burned.
You can't really burn me more than I've already been burned.
So thanks for your advice, but also sometimes it's worth the effort.
I don't know.
I have no idea.
It's things over with things.
Anyway, so the red oak, the green flag edition, that was a long intro.
Sharing location.
So honestly, for that one, I don't really consider that a green flag or a red flag necessarily.
It's more like an amber flag.
The reason why I say that is it's more like a proceed with caution.
Now it depends on the reasoning behind the sharing the location.
It's almost like I need to make sure that you're where you're supposed to be quote unquote.
That is a red flag right off the bat.
Like if they want to know where you are like obsessively like 24 seven, that's a little bit of a red flag too.
If it's more like a safety concern of, Hey, just let me know when you get to this place or I just need to know that you got home safely.
That's something totally totally different.
In that case, I would give you a green flag.
Now, also people like, Well, why would you want to know my location? That's a little bit obsessive and controlling.
There are people that are borderline controlling.
I will give you that, but it really depends on like the intentionality behind why they want the location shared.
So, like I say, if it's like more so like a safety concern, it's okay.
I would say get to the bottom of the reason behind why you don't want to share your location.
Is it a fear? Is it a madness? Sadness?
If it's, you know, sometimes we mask our emotions so that the emotion that you truly feeling does not feel so bad.
You know, sometimes what I've done is I'm actually disappointed or I'm mad with someone.
But I play it off as a joke and humor and I deflect so it doesn't actually hurt as much.
So, be real with your emotions. Be in touch with your emotions and say, you know what, I don't honestly feel like sharing my location with you because I feel unsafe.
Okay, you don't have to share your location with every single person and if this person has me, like if they ask for like a first date, I would say that's a little bit weird.
Like the first three times that they know you, that's a little bit strange.
But otherwise, like you've known each other for a while, maybe you've been knowing that for a while.
That is okay, like honestly in my book.
If someone like texts good morning, I don't know, like it's like, it's something like positive.
But it also has to be, I honestly like people that can like carry on like a conversation.
You don't necessarily have to text good morning and good night.
If you do those things, that is a bonus. That is a green flag.
Texting good morning, I think is a good green flag.
Also, if you like ask questions, you know, oh, what are you looking forward to most today?
Like then they actually have to respond versus like text good morning, you're just like good morning, good morning, blah blah blah blah blah.
So that's a green flag.
Showing emotions is a green flag.
If they can show them helpfully, okay?
If they tell you, hey, I'm upset because of X, Y, and Z, or I'm upset because this happened at my job.
And I don't think I'm going to be, this kind of goes back to being like in touch with your emotions, but not letting your emotions overrule you.
If your emotions overrule, then you could go into granting them to becoming a green flag, I mean a red flag.
Because sometimes if I'm afraid my, like something in me is going to be broken because, and I'm going to end up at the urgent care, that is a red flag.
Like, I don't care who you are, that's just, that's not showing emotions helpfully, well, beneficially.
Same as slamming doors.
Still, like, does that evoke like understanding and expression?
100%.
But is it actually dealing with those emotions in a healthy way, in a healthy coping mechanism?
No.
Okay, so here's another thing that I found is like they call people out no matter who it is.
If someone's able to call them out, now I would say that this is a green flag.
I don't think that you should be afraid of hurting people's opinions, or hurting people.
Now, people say, so you don't care about people, that's totally, totally different.
But it's like if you literally talk to them, talk it out, tell them what's going on.
If they're willing to listen, great, if they're not willing to listen, also great, at least you got it off your chest.
I'm one of those people, don't, like, people are so used to like, save face, because they don't want to hurt people.
Sometimes they're like, I don't want to hurt you, I love you too much.
If you love someone, you would literally tell them what's going on, because I hate bushes, I hate being around the bush.
Just, like, don't try to knock off some of the leaves and try to, you know, and scoot around the issue.
If you got something to say, say it to that person.
They may yell at you, they may call you out, they may call you a bunch of names.
But I think honestly that that is a healthy way of going about it.
Okay, so also friends are important to them.
If they have, like, you know that one quote, it's like, show me your friends and I'll show you your future.
So friends are important.
I would say, like, I know people sometimes say only trust or date people that have, like, two friends.
I would say, like, find someone who can get along with a lot of different people.
And even people that have, like, different opinions than them, if they can kind of connect with them and have discussions one way or another,
they are going to be one loyal.
Like, and also if they have lots of friends, like, you know, okay, they are popular, they are popular for a reason.
And, like, if it's popular for the wrong reasons, obviously, you'll probably see those red flags up front.
But what I think is never trust someone who always hypes someone else up,
or someone who's constantly bashing on another person.
Those are the, like, if they literally say, oh, well, they have these things wrong about them.
You know, this and this and this and this, also, like, they're good friends.
If everybody is hyping up someone, be curious as to why.
Like, if, you know, they have a huge friend group, that's probably a good sign, 9 times 9 to 10.
But also if they have, like, a few close friends, then you also know that it's like they care about the people that matter most.
They're not, like, necessarily worried about, like, the numbers.
But, like, here's the thing, like, if people can get along with everybody, 9 times out of 10, it's a great flag.
So, I'm going to just, like, soak back a little bit to, like, what I've said about someone who's constantly hyping up someone else.
And I know sometimes people will say, oh, well, who's the common denominator here?
Sometimes that is true, but not all the time.
There were a couple people that would always hype up this one individual and just, you know, saying he was the best person ever.
And they would even, sometimes they would even show me their social media account, like, that was going to prove that they were the stand-up person.
I knew this person, like, from class, and maybe they just had, like, a different persona that they portrayed while they were in class.
But there were nothing like this person described, like, they were saying, oh, they were, like, so kind, and they would go out of their way to help you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
In class, this person was the exact opposite.
And I kind of was really confused at first of how, like, two different versions of the same person could exist simultaneously.
Like I said, maybe this person was just, like, two different people. And, like, one was in class, one was who he was to his friends.
Don't know.
But this guy was, like, a jerk. He was awesome, like, all sorts of different things, like.
And I honestly don't know what he did on the side, but I'm, like, you know, um...
And then there was also this person that was, like, hyped up.
And they were, like, she was organized, she did this, this, this, this, this. Never really seen those aspects of this person.
They're, like, oh, they're also good with art. That may have been true.
But the other parts of them, the other characteristics, they weren't cultural, they weren't, like, organized.
Like, and so I'm, like, is there something wrong with me that I'm not seeing it?
So that's why I'm, like, also people, like, constantly talk horrible about this other person.
And what I've done is I've tried to get rid of that person.
Either way, like, if people are overly hyping up the person, you find out, that's not their true colors.
If someone's constantly talking bad about the person, maybe it's because they are either jealous of that person or whatever.
Because there is a difference between just, like, talking bad about somebody and actually just, like, spitting, like, the facts about who they are as an individual.
There is a difference.
Um...
Okay, so also very competitive.
If I... I don't really consider that as, like...
That's kind of more of, like, a beige flag. I don't even consider that, like, red flag, green flag, or amber.
It's more of, like, a beige flag with...
It could... like...
I mean, I think that it's very, like...
I don't... uh...
I don't want to say, like, attractive, but it's, like, not...
As long as you're not, like, arrogant about it. Like, it's, like, I don't think that there's anything, like, necessarily wrong with that.
Um...
When someone says that I'm not romantic, so I'm just kind of...
Um...
I would actually consider that more so of a red flag.
Okay?
I'm not saying... because with all that being said, if someone said not romantic, like, people make time for the things that they want to make time for,
and if they care about something, they'll kind of, like, remember the small details.
So it is not...
You're gonna sh... um...
Show, like, romantic... romanticism?
That sounds weird.
Show, like, your romantic side in different areas.
Like, I believe that. Like, it's like, if you...
You know that someone likes a certain kind of flowers or likes a certain kind of coffee, or does this or does that,
you might help them encourage them towards their goals.
So, in that way, you're still, like, romantic.
Um, it's sometimes, like, an excuse to not necessarily go out of your way to, like, be better and be a person of, like, high moral standing.
And it goes both ways for, like, both sides of the relationship.
Like, I'm a very reciprocal person.
So it's like, you know what?
It's the best for me. I... not, like, not that old saying, like, I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
That's an ulterior motive.
What I'm saying is, like, we both do things for each other.
Like, one way or another.
Um, because I've heard even people say, oh, he's not much of a romantic.
That individual has done, like, he might not be romantic in the way that you think that this person should be,
but they're still, like, doing things that help you and to improve, like, the relationship.
So in that way, yes, they all be romantic.
Maybe just not in the way that you expect it.
So sometimes it's, like, your...
And that way, you might need to not lower your standards, but adjust your standards a little bit,
because maybe you can't actually see all the things that this individual is trying to do
and trying to love you in the best way possible.
Because I know that sometimes people have just been, like, burned so badly
that they, like, literally used...
If you have been burned and they don't do any of these things.
That is a different story for a different time.
But if they are actually making moves to try and be the best version of themselves,
then give them the benefit of the doubt.
Did you do...
Okay, next one, being clean and tidy.
Green flag?
I will definitely say I am a clean person.
There's a difference between clean and tidy, though.
Clean is just, like, you know, having things kind of picked up
and even, like, swept tidy is, like, getting every nook and cranny like your mom.
See, I keep things in my house, in my apartment, clean.
I'm just not mom clean, okay?
I will definitely say that.
Like, I don't do the dustboards, like, dustboards, baseboards, every single time.
Like, just don't...
Like, I don't mom clean and, yes, when family comes to visit, that's a different story.
But, so I would say, like, being clean, definitely green flag,
but if they're not necessarily tidy, don't necessarily hold out against them.
If they are slob, that's where it's, like, red flag, like, they have, like,
a mile high of, like, dishes in the sink, and there's, like, mold growing everywhere.
That's red flag.
Um, okay.
Interested in all world news and wants to just, like, kind of debate the topics?
I honestly...
I don't mind that.
I would say that's a green flag.
If, like, if it can be, like, a situation where you're discussing the topics
and not, like, just coming at each other for different opposing views.
That over there, red flag.
Green flag is when you sit down, you discuss the topics, lay everything out on the table.
This is what I think, this is what you think.
Okay, we can probably bring something in the middle.
Like, some things with that you don't necessarily need to be on the same page with,
or the same paragraph.
Hey, you can even be reading a different book with that.
I don't care.
But it's like you don't necessarily need to be on the same wavelength with that.
Um, okay.
So if they have, like, very healthy habits, like going to the gym, eating healthy, working out, green flag.
Uh, would definitely encourage that.
Even if they're, like, encouraging you to, like, be healthy.
Some people consider that as a red flag because they're like, well, why would they want to...
They don't love you for who you are.
No.
Okay.
Sometimes you can kind of tell, like, based on their phrases.
And some people, honestly, they don't mean it certain ways.
Like, sometimes I've known people that's just like, oh, that definitely made me sound like a tool.
Do you mind me rephrase that?
Because that's not what I meant.
You know, if people are self-aware, emotionally aware, emotionally intelligent, green flag,
so if they have, like, healthy habits and encourage you to, like, work out and not be like, oh, you know, you're like,
lose, like, 50 pounds, like, that's a red flag.
It's just like, okay.
So, like, there's a right way and then there's a very dark way to kind of discuss things.
Um, splitting the check.
If someone insists on splitting the check, I don't...
I don't necessarily consider that as a green flag or a red flag.
That's more of like an amber, someone like in the middle, um, to me, because sometimes people don't necessarily feel comfortable
like paying for the whole thing.
Or sometimes it's just like, it's...
They don't know exactly how the other person feels about certain things.
So, sometimes I know people say, well, if it's on the first date.
If it's on the first date, like, it's like...
Maybe they're still trying to understand where the other person's coming from.
And it's like, dude, it's like 2024.
There are a lot of different ways that people try to consider things.
So, no, it just...