Welcome to another episode of the Say Les Pod.
I'm your host Caroline Jones and we're just going to be talking about some different things that we all leave behind in 2023.
If you listen to my last episode, I think I was kind of, I'm still like recovering from whatever like nasty gunk I have like in my like whole body.
Like just cleaning it out. But yes, I'm like I'm not as congested now as I was then.
So anyway, um, and also like I don't feel like my voice is like zooming in and out does not sound like the right word, but that's the best way I know how to describe it right now.
Um, okay, so we're just going to jump right into it. Toxic friendships, toxic relationships, leaving those behind in 2023.
You know, anything that kind of makes you question your self worth or self identity is a no go.
Like, I think that sometimes it might be like the person is trying to, um, like be you in some ways, especially if like, especially if you find that you might be good at like a certain skill set or something.
And they're like constantly trying to bring you down.
I'm not saying every body has to be your height individual or your height man, like gassing you up at every single turn.
I have found some good friends and 20, like the end of 2023, the beginning of 2024, who have kind of like encouraged me in that way of kind of being like this good version of myself, not necessarily like hyping me up at every turn, like offering advice.
Um, but also like, you know, encouraging me, um, and uplifting in the times that I am like struggling or I'm like going through something.
Um, I find you know, when you have dumb down to people, when you don't really necessarily find the need to overthink a lot of different situations.
So 2023 was a wild ride for me, mentally, went through a friendship, break up, you know, who knows if that friendship might come back and solidify.
You know, we both kind of went into doing some different things and left it maybe not how we should have.
Um, I don't, I don't like bushes. I don't like beating around them.
Sometimes it's like you knock off the leaves and you know, you just have like different things just flying off.
Um, I don't like bushes. So it's like, I live by this. This is a statement that I've kind of created for myself with relationships, friendships, whatever kind of relationship you've kind of been is I cannot fix something I never knew was broken.
If you let me know, okay, this is what is broken. This is what needs to be fixed in our relationship and our friendship. I can do that. I can help you with that.
Um, but I can't if I don't know anything what's going on behind the scenes.
And I know sometimes people want you to kind of like fill in the gaps or understand based on like a text message or emoji or something that they said.
Dude, I sometimes cannot fill in the gaps and say, okay, this is what you meant.
So you have, I, I'm smart. I will give you that because they're like, I thought you was the smart one. I will give you that I am smart.
But sometimes it's like even the intelligent individuals need clarification at times.
We'll try to be as emotionally intelligent as we possibly can be. But sometimes you got to come to us with a little bit of knowledge of saying, hey, this, this is what bothered me. Okay.
Now I know where to go from there. Because while I do agree that people need to heal, sometimes I think that people need to heal separately and some people need to heal together.
If that individual was the one that was causing your trauma, you cannot heal from a wound.
And especially if it's been like stitched up, if you're like opening up the stitch back up or like you're continuing the mess with that score, it's not going to heal properly.
So sometimes you just need to leave it alone and just kind of like move on.
You can end that particular situation if you can let the individuals know, hey, this is what we're feeling and you are trying to make things work.
Then at least at the end of the day you've tried. You know that maybe, maybe you didn't do everything correctly.
But you tried to make things work. That is what we're going for here.
Another thing that we are leaving behind is situationships. I've been in and out of situationships a long time.
I am the queen of situationships. I invented situationships.
We just are that tight. There's a lot of situationships, quite a few situationships that I've been in, even in college.
The thing about situationships is you don't know exactly where you stand with the person.
So you're like, okay, what are we? I don't know if I should have the what are we conversation or not.
So now I'm kind of frozen.
And sometimes that can kind of like, if you do not know what you are and they're like giving you pet names or different things in the beginning,
that can lead to love bombing versus like specific genuine interest in you.
Like if they want to like, if they're like giving you flowers, like usually it's a sign of love bombing versus hey, I actually hear about this individual.
They might be trying to manipulate a certain situation.
That being said, like, don't necessarily think just because like sometimes it does depend on the individual.
And just because you've known someone for like two weeks, and you've known another for like two years doesn't necessarily mean that it's a break in their character.
Because maybe they might be a good, solid individual.
I'm just saying I'm leaving situationships behind in 2023 because I honestly can't do them anymore.
They were basically exhausting to me.
Either you want me or you don't.
Like it's like, I don't know what to tell you.
I like that one statement like it's like I'm okay with being friends.
I'm okay with dating.
Just let me know what we are.
So I'm not overplaying my position.
I agree with that wholeheartedly because sometimes I truly do be overplaying my position.
And I am a big fan of reciprocity too.
Because like if one person's doing like 100 and the other person's not even giving like 50%, you might want to question your boundaries there a little bit.
Maybe see if that's a red flag.
So when I was in college, there was this one person.
I don't know if my mom remembers this time, but like she was picking me up from college.
And I think I had to fix my phone because my phone was breaking.
Like you know, iPhones sometimes they kind of like glitch until you finally break down and get a new one.
So anyway, that was what was happening.
And I had to go to like Battery Plus. Apparently like this individual happened to be there.
And then he was well not at Battery Plus, but like in the same like strip mall type of thing.
And so then he asked me if I was going to introduce him to my mom, but I was like you I am we don't really have anything.
So why I don't even know how to introduce you because we don't have anything anyway.
And so sometimes it's like with situations ships to it's like if sometimes they would just ask and they're like, oh, yeah, will you go on a date? Will you do this?
That's the thing like it's like if situations ships I know it's scary.
I know sometimes you don't want to shoot your shot because you're afraid of being rejected.
Just I am someone who can shoot their shot.
You know, you don't have to shoot like a three point or anything.
It's just you can shoot it from the free throw line.
And honestly, I'm really bad at sports. So if that is a bad bad analogy.
I do like you can you can come at me like you can you can tell me whatever because I'm really not good with sports.
So I was trying to go with like a sports analogy there.
So if it's not correct, I give you full permission to like call me on all that.
Also like seeking sole validation from other people.
We ain't doing it anymore.
I think that sometimes people a lot of people they either do they make up so that they can get attention from somebody or they want to dress cute.
And it's like there's nothing wrong with any of these things like dressing cute, putting forth your best.
But if you're doing it just so that you can gain like that attention and that approval from someone.
Then you're going about it the wrong way.
The people that truly love you they look up to you for who you are for your confidence.
And yes, it does not have to be like a arrogant confidence.
But like honestly, even at my job, I feel like my like a lot of individuals are good at like seeing other people's strengths and like hyping them up.
And so even like with my coworkers, they will just kind of like tell you what you're doing well in.
Maybe they'll also like tell you like things that you need to improve in.
But like honestly at the end of the day know that you're doing okay.
This this life sometimes life has been a weird journey for me, like just in general.
And even this year there's been like some hiccups in the road with my life.
You know, 2024 off to a great start.
But there's been some hiccups for sure for sure.
There's been some things that there's been some emotions and I'm like am I literally okay because I hate feelings and I'm like I want to suppress them down.
Do you do not do what I do and just kind of like suppress and shove all your emotions in a box and bottle them up either.
But know that your work be like a high value individual where if someone doesn't like text you know that that doesn't necessarily define your worth.
For one, if someone doesn't snapchat you follow up with you on social media.
That doesn't define who you are specifically.
Also if people like I know sometimes people say well if they leave me on read, it's that me or they ghost me.
It's it's okay.
It's literally okay.
That's I mean do what you can to make things right if you were a jerk in that type of situation.
But don't over think don't over analyze.
Also the bare minimum and here's something that I kind of like that's another thing that we're leaving behind in 2023.
I do want to say something about the bare minimum though.
I know people talk about like the orange peel theory and people's like well grasping for straws or all bar is so low.
Some people have their bar literally on the ground like I know I did so it's like it's when people do things that are nice and appreciative like if people tell you straight up that they're like that they're interested.
Or people like hold the door open for you.
I will say that's like a sometimes a generational thing.
Like buying flowers doing different things.
But I don't think necessarily like leaving you on read for like maybe 30 minutes is.
Oh that's the bare minimum.
He doesn't like you if you believe she'll read for that long.
No sometimes you're just busy and people's like no one's that busy they check their phone.
Dude I've been that busy before like it's life.
I will text you on my 15 I will do whatever.
But honestly like sometimes I'm like you don't necessarily know what my bare minimum was before.
So that's why when people are overly nice or they just kind of go out of their way to treat us with respect.
It seems like a red flag.
It really does and I'm like living proof of that which is like okay.
What are you what are you up to?
What is your ulterior motive?
And sometimes I think it's like unrealistic expectations like I heard this one person it was like on some.
It was on social media but they were like put away the rom-coms.
And also like stop thinking about like social media influencers with their families because that is not love.
While I agree with that statement we need to have like higher standards.
And like you can't I believe that you can have like rom-com moments.
Not your whole life is going to be a rom-com for real like just be real for like one second.
But like it's like if you romanticize certain parts of your life like oh he got me flowers he remembered my favorite coffee order.
He did this or she did this for me like you know he like.
That means something.
It doesn't have to be like this extravagant thing that you do.
It can even be like a low like a low like I mean sometimes low gesture.
People think that it has to be this grand gesture sometimes where it's like I'm taking this person to Paris because that's how much I love them.
And they're like never settle people.
And it's like yes I get that I get I understand where you're coming from but sometimes people's budget for one thing is not necessarily that.
So it's like if he wanted to he would.
But also if he wanted to and could do that or if he was able to do that he would he would try at least he would try them do these different things.
And I think that she would too.
Like it's like I think people's like if he wanted to he would.
I will say if they wanted to they would because it just makes more sense.
Like I say big reciprocity girl over here.
Like I don't want you to just have to do everything.
Like also like it's like I know another thing that people kind of consider the main minimum is okay this person has to hang out with me 24 seven.
I want you like I want to be your best friend.
Period.
But I also want you to be able to have your own friends.
So if you want to hang out with people you can and I'll hang out with my people.
And then we can kind of come together.
It doesn't make us less than it doesn't like say hey less apart.
You know you can do that.
I truly do believe that now if you have mutual friends way to go to not a problem.
I would just sometimes I worry about what we kind of consider the bare minimum because it's like the orange peel theory.
Like I say I will peel an orange for a random on the street.
Like if they needed that done I would peel the orange for them.
It's like well if they wanted to do the simple things without you asking them they would try to do it.
Yeah just because some people don't do these things.
I think doesn't mean that they're necessarily a red flag.
Like not everybody and some of us have been burned so much that we're just like I see a red flag.
See a red flag.
It's like dude that's kind of like an amber flag.
It's very very situational.
Like even when people's like yeah so I mean there are some things that are just very very amber flags.
Not exactly red or green but kind of depends on the situation.
Another thing that we are leaving behind and this is kind of like a trend that I've seen people kind of do.
It's self-deprecation and I don't know if you've heard about like you know the scale of 1 to 10.
Like it's like he's a 10 but he does this this this or she's a 10 but she does this this this.
You know they were 10.
Whatever whatever.
This is where it gets tricky when people's like oh well I'm medium ugly.
Can we not?
Can we literally stop that?
It's it's not attractive.
It's not cute when you're like going cutting yourself down.
You know sometimes people's like oh it's so cute it's attractive.
No it's really not.
Like it's like but I'm not a 10.
It's like honestly like first of all each person has their own rating scale.
So that old saying beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Maybe there's some truth in that.
I have no idea.
But that doesn't that does not mean that you yourself going back to validation and worth.
That does not mean that you are ugly person.
You are awful.
If you want to you can put like different categories of cute.
Like I realized like a while ago I am not like Instagram model cute.
Instagram model like pretty.
Maybe to some people maybe.
But that's not necessarily how I think of myself.
I'm like oh I'm coffee shop cute.
Like it's like you see that person in the coffee shop and you're just like oh they're attractive.
They're cute but it's like you wouldn't necessarily want me to be a model.
And I honestly don't think that I could be a model.
That's all I'm saying.
Like if you want to put different categories of attractiveness versus like oh I'm medium ugly.
I'm not cute at all.
when I can't come over to your house.
Why not?
Because I didn't put on any makeup.
Like it's like I don't care if you are my friend.
If you are a person that I care about.
I don't care about any of that.
Like it's like obviously take care of yourself.
But it's like that's not the main thing in life.
Like you know if you're like oh I want to like work out before I do.
Like whatever that's okay.
I'm just saying don't feel like you are less than just because.
Yeah.
Like I really I would want you to stay safe on so many different levels.
So it's like even like mentally but yeah.
Take a professional if you need any like assistance.
Okay so now what we are bringing into 2024 is like wholesome friendships.
Like the ability not to over think over analyze.
Have people that encourage you while also trying to guide you and direct you in different areas of your life.
And also like the capacity to heal and emotional maturity.
And I know I have also seen this and it says marry the individual or date the individual rather.
That has had like a messy childhood because they will give your kids the best childhood ever.
So I'm going to say yes and no to that.
You have got to that individual has got to do some like introspection and done some healing inside of themselves.
And realize that that individual that they're now with if they decide to be in a relationship is not their trauma.
I know people that's like well I went through all of this and this happened and this happened and this happened and you're just like them.
And it's like okay if they truly have the red flags that maybe your ex did or this person had then run.
Don't stay there don't be in that relationship.
Maybe also you need to learn communication skills so maybe you need to go to counseling.
But I heard this one quote and I'm probably botching it so bad.
But it was basically when someone is with you they have to love and respect all spots of yourself.
Like you're going to come in with trauma each individual in the relationship.
It is not your fault for the pain that you've endured.
Now maybe if you've brought some of the trauma on yourself that's a different story too.
Which you know you can go seek therapy for.
It's not easy.
But with both parts of the trauma.
But that pain is not their fault but the healing is your responsibility.
And I heard that quote and it's just like it resonated with me.
It's like yeah some of the things that happen in life or the things that cause you to break away from someone else.
They are not that individual's fault.
They are your responsibility so don't keep cutting them with these pieces.
These damaged pieces of yourself.
You have to at least be healed enough to know okay these pieces are going to hurt.
But I'm not going to try to let this other person be cut from all of those different pieces of the glass that are messed up in me.
Such just not helpful for anyone.
I know some of the episodes lately have been kind of longer and this is kind of more of a shorter episode.
I hope you enjoyed it at least and let me know if there's anything else that you want me to touch on or focus on.
But until next time I hope that you have a great rest of your day and peace out.