Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the Sayless Podcast.
So I did want to kind of go over a little bit about what we would be talking about today.
I kind of have been in my A for just last week.
So just business things were going on.
But today, like what in like just life circumstances.
But anyway, moving on from that, I did want to kind of talk a little bit about the whole analogy of what you see is like what you get with people.
And I'm going to say that's not necessarily true like all the time.
And a lot of people say, oh, I'm good at reading this individual.
I know exactly what they're going through just by looking at them.
I think that you can like sense certain things about individuals.
And sense when they're going through a hard time, you don't know necessarily though if it's from like you break up, you don't know if it's from trauma or like flashbacks.
You don't know what exactly it's from.
But anyone who tells you, oh, with that individual, they are the most down to earth person you will ever meet.
And what you see is what you get.
I have found and I have seen that as you kind of look at this individual, there might be some things that they are hiding.
The quote that I it just kind of came to me, even the most down to earth people have things that they are hiding or things that they laid to rest in secret.
And there are still things that those down to earth people.
And like most of the time when people say down to earth, I don't really hear about a lot of people say down.
They were down to earth person when they're not like southern or they're not country.
And that might just be the way I was raised.
I don't know.
But that's but anyway.
And I will say that sometimes the demographic of where you are located sometimes does play a part in the ways that you communicate with people in the ways that you approach different situations,
which, like I say, I have known some people that from a lot of people's point of view, they are quote unquote down to earth.
But you still can tell that they were like struggling with some like internal struggle deep down.
And they just haven't had like the time to process that or like even filter through like their emotions, how they're feeling.
Maybe they haven't been able to necessarily talk with someone.
And it's hard when you don't know necessarily how it's going to be received.
Sometimes you don't like tell people different things because let's be honest.
I mean, things are like important to us.
And sometimes even when we like post on social media, like everybody says, oh, it's always the highlight reel. No one ever shows like the hard moments that they've gone through,
which I will like say that is like true, but it's and sometimes we think that we need to be this individual.
And you don't know like what was happening like two seconds before like the camera shut on and the two seconds after like the camera shut off or like the phone like captured those memories.
So it really like seeing someone being able to live their best life.
And there are so many different directions that you could go with this, but I'm really trying to stay on topic because I know I call my bunny trails specifically.
But basically, if you don't take anything else away from this podcast, just know everybody is struggling with something and has their own thing going on,
which kind of plays in with this what you see what you get. I was thinking that kind of like intersex into this.
And inherently good and evil like perspective are more people like in a like are they good, true souls or are they like these evil individuals?
Well, if you want to go this direction, all of us. And if you have not read this, please go back to American lit.
And we like this just this story. Not like the but and I feel like a lot of individuals had to kind of dissect this, but the Jekyll and Hyde, we all have like all Jekyll and Hyde.
Some of all some of the hides or like this monster that has been created is not necessarily as bad.
And we try to shield people from that. We we know, okay, I don't want to hurt anybody from that characteristic of me that is harmful.
So even sometimes our hides that we kind of care with us day and day out.
They just live inside of us and we know how bad it can be.
So we try to protect other people from it from we give them every answer in the book to walk away to walk away now before things get too deep when you can't walk away.
And if you do not like to read this book in American lit, just some of the characteristics basically is Jekyll is this doctor figure physician and he creates this monster that exemplifies all of his worst sides of him.
So basically on the sidelines hide or like Jekyll's like alter ego.
It's like mainly a serial killer. Now, like I say, not all of us are going to have like that side of us where it's that horrendous and egregious of an act.
But we all do have like our Jekyll and hide sides and like I say, sometimes we try so hard to protect people and protect our loved ones from that hide.
And we don't want them that let them in and see that in some people that is going to necessarily derail them and they like may leave because they can't take that side.
Some of us have kind of like built walls up so that then people can't come in. They can't see that hardship in us.
Or we like brush it up under the rug. We brush so many things up under the rug that it doesn't even show anymore.
And then when that side comes out, people are horrified at the results and the ruins that you left behind.
The problem is, is while some people say, I will never let anyone get wet from my storm in my life.
There are some times that no matter how hard we try to protect against that and we give them everything possible.
We give them the life vote. We give them the hurricane pack basically because we know who we are and they're like, I would never like hold that against you.
But sometimes it's not that simple. If there's anyone, sometimes people are going to be affected.
And by your seismic earthquake, and you know, for you, it's like a nine on the scale.
And for them, they're just receiving like the two impact scale. But still, you feel bad that they even experienced even a little bit of that and you wish you could take that away.
There are sometimes, yes, while we are growing and developing, we are going to have other people maybe get hurt.
But the thing is, knowing who you are, knowing these types of things upset me and be willing to work on them.
Like, I used to be the type of person that was like, okay, well, you don't want to deal with that. Okay, peace out. Like, I don't need you. I never needed you.
The thing is, we can't just be willingly setting up IEDs and landmines, hoping that one of our victims is going to step on that.
That being said, there are sometimes that you unintentionally, like a bomb sets off in you and you have like tried to conceal the pressure.
But they're still going to feel like the aftermath.
So I think it's kind of more of like an intentionality type of thing.
Were you meaning to set the IEDs or did it just like kind of happen where these individuals kind of like stepped into them, stepped into this whole...
If you're being like a Rosalind Dyer and you're like actually sending the traps, then yeah, we need to talk about that.
But, or like any kind of individual who has like preyed on innocent victims.
But if you're trying everything in your power to make things right,
I think that is like totally understandable.
So I did kind of talk about like the stonewalling technique about us kind of withdrawing or holding ourselves back because we care about these people.
We don't want to hurt them.
The funny thing is we think we're doing people a favor by stonewalling them and putting up our guards.
And yes, you develop those devices over time of stonewalling, of knowing why the stonewallings when maybe it has come from a like fair amount of childhood trauma.
Maybe it's come from a fair amount of like even adult trauma.
Because I think sometimes, especially now, some individuals go through a second, like not like a second period.
But sometimes we can go through like multiple periods of trauma.
So it's like, this is all has to do with childhood trauma. It's like, no, that has to do with the trauma last week of XYZ.
And why I'm saying XYZ is because there are so many different things.
And like I say, I'm trying to stay on topic here.
But with that being said, like I think that's why sometimes we stonewall, we know that about ourselves.
We know maybe it's not necessarily a healthy habit.
It's something that we have to do in order to survive. It's kind of like our survival skills and like our coping mechanisms.
We tell ourselves that and I could do like a whole episode on survival lies just in general.
So without going too much in detail, survival lies are basically those lies that you have kind of told yourself in order to be able to better manage the stress or be able to deal with certain issues.
If for instance, your parents were getting a divorce, you may like actually tell yourself that they weren't able to make things right.
Or that maybe they truly never loved you because if they loved you, they would stay together if they respected each other.
Like the first one I said that was kind of.
And that's not necessarily true. Some things just don't work because they, it doesn't have or let's say like you're like kind of going back to that scenario because that's kind of the only one.
Or like let's, oh another one is if you want an abusive relationship.
You, you start to believe that you deserve it because you provoked this individual. And you know what, anything that they hand that you, you absolutely deserved.
And none of that's true, but it's basically a lie that we have to keep ourselves for saying or we think saying.
Right. So, because I kind of beard off topic a little bit there. So I'm going to kind of my, my bunny, my bunny trail is going to hop back on.
And another thing that I wanted to really like touch on is when someone shows their true colors of who they are and without what you see is what you get.
Like if someone shows you their true colors though and you, you notice like this pattern of lies or this pattern of different obstacles.
This individual is constantly blowing you off for no reason. This individual, I truly believe that you do not owe anyone the benefit of the doubt.
If they've already showed you their true colors, like people say, give them another chance. If someone is a dirt bag for lack of a better term.
And you know, there are a lot worse words that I could use to describe this. But today, maybe not later, but today I'm going to keep a PG.
When people are dirt bags to you, you don't need to offer them that second chance and keep trying to remedy the situation because here's the thing.
For one, people who say, oh, this individual is rough around the edges, but they're so good with XYZ. You're ignoring the red flags for one.
Now some things maybe like beige flags where they're not wrong. They're not right. They're, they're not neither good. I don't know what that that was not English.
Some things are neither good nor bad. They're just kind of like in the middle. And sometimes we want to label that as, oh, that's a red flag. That's, or that's a green flag.
Yes, these individuals might have 10 green flags, but I do think not in every situation, but in some situations that one red flag can outweigh the million green flags that you have.
I don't know. So also, I think that some, when you go through that time of saying, oh, people are rough around the edges.
It's a glass type of like metaphor. Like, you know what I found is I get cut from from your knife.
I get cut from your glass because I'm walking maybe on eggshells in order to try to avoid the real situation.
I also have glass in my hand because, you know, I thought that there was this, this kind of develops into a savior complex of I can rescue them, I can save them, I can get them to shore safely.
And while it might be nice to give rescue people, you can't rescue everyone just like a doctor wants to help every single individual that they can.
And there are going to be some people that say, well, you were the doctor, you should have XYZ. There are sometimes you can't help that other person, no matter how much you want to, no matter how hard you try.
You can't help them. And you cannot help them if you yourself are drowning.
And I thought, like, I thought even like from childhood friends from different things that, and I'm not like, I will be real to a certain extent, but I'm not going to go more in depth than I have to.
And just because I don't think it's right to like put someone else on last, even if you're not like necessarily mean to, but, but there are different things that you burn and grow over time.
But you can't save someone without with, and I'm not saying that's always the case, but if you yourself are drowning, you can't rescue them, save them to shore.
It's kind of hard to do, actually.
And I want to like give you like the piece and the clarity that just because you want to take care of yourself doesn't mean you're selfish or you're narcissistic and you should feel bad about that.
Because sometimes we do live in a confusing world where individuals will tell us, oh, because like you think you're better than everybody else, you think you're this because you couldn't rescue them.
No, sometimes, you know, you do need to like protect your piece and you need to know what kind of way of the draw the line.
And the thing is, each individual line is going to look a little bit different.
So just because you have your line fall out here doesn't necessarily mean that like someone else's lifeline isn't stronger.
And it doesn't mean that you can't like rescue these people to shore.
But you have to make sure that first of all, you have on your life first, you are taking care of yourself in order to be able to care for these individuals.
And if you are not, you won't be able to care for them.
And that is going to be looking a little bit different.
It's going to take like a process of beginning to trust yourself for one, to trust your intuition, to love yourself.
And I know different people have different opinions on that. You do need to protect yourself.
I mean, you need to know that you are worthy. You are loved.
And yes, sometimes you don't necessarily have to be rescuing someone every 24-7.
That, my friends, is exhausting.
Sometimes just like even hearing it, like hearing someone say, you know what, you helped me.
Thank you for always being there. And sometimes you are fine. I wasn't even trying to be there.
Or you are like, thanks. Thanks for listening to me.
It doesn't feel like a burden in that type of regard.
But you do, and like I say, that's not feeling narcissistic in a way of saying, oh, look at me.
Like I helped all these people. Just even hearing people say, oh, you brought a smile to my face today.
Like, thank you for being in my life.
Great. I didn't know you were going through anything. I wasn't trying to rescue you to shore.
If it comes to that and I need to help you out a little bit, and I have some things in my hurricane pack and I have my crisis support bag and I can help give you some of that, then yes, I will definitely do that.
But sometimes you don't have any left.
There's a quote, oh, it's a growing sideways by one of the lyrics from Noah Kahn. And it's actually in like the main course, or actually, I think just the course of the song.
It's the last part, though, it says, oh, if my engine works perfect on empty, why can I not English today?
Oh, if my engine works perfect on empty, I guess I'll drive.
And those lyrics, I mean, I'm just in my feels with all of Noah Kahn songs right now.
But those lyrics hit a little bit different. Because sometimes I do find that I'm running on E, but there's so many obligations and there's so many different people pulling me in opposite directions.
That I don't even have time to catch my breath.
So, first of all, like, protect your peace. No. And that's going to take some time.
When people say, what does protect your peace mean? Protecting your peace, basically, in my mind just means knowing where you stand on a certain topic, knowing you can't control certain things and you can't really allow it to bother you.
Now, this is going to take some time, getting used to. It's not going to be a transition that just happens over time.
I mean, we all hear the same healing and it's become more popularized. But healing is not linear.
And so, with that truly being the case, it is going to take some time knowing what that means.
And maybe you need to take a break from things that every time you're in that setting, it drained you.
Like, I feel like sometimes you know, okay, every time I go into this place, I feel claustrophobic. I feel exhausted.
My mental health struggles. I feel like all of us have those certain places that we go.
And some of them may be physical and some of them are mental.
And sometimes it's because we're like spending ourselves too thin and all these extra curriculars that we don't even have time to check on what is ruining us.
We're just like, I am dead and I feel mid, like all the time and I don't know what is going on.
Like, okay, take a step back, breathe. There are some things you have to go to.
You have to go to work for instance. You have to go to work. Now there are different situations, obviously, where that becomes.
But we are not working with the nuances today.
There are certain things that are a must do on your to do list. And there are certain things that aren't.
And you have to know what is the priority here.
If you say this is your priority, why is that your priority? What makes it that more evident than something else?
Or why can something else be trashed into the waste bucket for this days?
Only you yourself can answer that.
I did also want to let you know that, and this is kind of going to be the last thing that I kind of say on this episode about what you see is what you get,
is people will make an assumption off of what they see or what they think that they see.
And case in point, social media is great. I love social media.
It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
That being said, sometimes it can also destroy our mental health.
And kind of with that being said, people can make an assumption of you from afar based on what they see in a picture.
Like, oh, she's so happy she has her life together, she has this, she has that.
She spoiled, she's...
And they can...
We all know people can make an assumption on you based on afar.
And that's not necessarily outside of like social media. It happens to where people, they can even be in the same vicinity as you
and still have an incorrect assessment of who you are and what you are, what you believe, who you are at your core.
And, you know, like maybe the way that you kind of...
Sometimes people might see you as intimidating. They might be like, you know, the first time I met you,
I thought you were intimidating, I thought you were inconsiderate.
Sometimes it's based on body language. Sometimes it's based on words that have been kind of misconstrued or even like actions.
It can be like misconstrued to them thinking that you've meant something that you've didn't or...
It can be all types of different facets.
They do. It is a human prerogative to have an opinion about you.
But at the same time, sometimes you want to tell people about their Miranda rights.
You want to be like, you have a right to remain silent because I... honestly, your commentary on my life is incorrect.
You don't live with me 24-7. You don't see what goes on behind closed doors for either good or bad.
You don't see that. So you don't get to make half the final say about me.
And I think that there is like freedom in that piece.
And just understanding and loving yourself, knowing, you know what, I don't... they have the right to have an opinion, to also be wrong about that opinion.
You know what? It doesn't affect me one bit. Because I know that they're wrong.
I know that they maybe don't want to know me specifically. And that is okay.
Now, I would say like sometimes you have to evaluate and see if there's any.
But sometimes it's not worth your salt. Is that what you're saying? Not worth your salt.
But I don't know if you ever say it about yourself. It's not with your salt to try and make them see the value.
You know, sometimes we are determined to have people be like, that's not who I am. This is who I am. Why can't you see that?
No, no, no, no, no, no. All I wanted was for XYZ. I want to be validated. I want to be this.
Yes, all those things are good and true. But at the same time you have to acknowledge not everybody is going to validate you.
Not everybody is going to trust and respect you. Not everybody. Maybe some people are really good at seeing your red flags.
That they don't see any of your green flags.
Because that happens to where people are like, you do this and this and this and this and this.
It's like, do I do anything right? Seriously, do I? Or am I just a loser?
And it's not your job to try to convince or to prove to them that you are better, that you are stronger.
Sometimes that you've even endured things and you know things about how different individuals interact, how the world is supposed to interact with individuals.
But it's not your job to make them love you, to make them respect you.
And some of us can spend our whole life trying to do that and trying to shield people from the person that they want us to be.
I said I was going to leave you with that. But basically we're all going to have all good sides and all bad sides.
And if they wanted to, they would. If they wanted to say they would. If they wanted to love you for who you were, they would.
If they wanted to validate you, they would. But you are loved and respected just the way that you are. You don't have to change.
Well, that's the end of this episode. So until next time, and I might try to film another episode just so that you have two for this week.
And until next time, I hope that you have a good rest of your day and peace out.