Hello and welcome to another episode of Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na.
Hi!
I have baby.
I was always jamming in my head.
I know.
I do too for a bit.
Yeah.
We keep talking about this.
It's fun.
It is fun.
I like our intros.
It's peppy, it's chipper, it's...
Hi!
How are you?
Yeah.
No matter what we're talking about.
Hey!
How's your day?
You good?
All is well?
Yes.
And then you kind of like we move on.
It's a journey of a day.
It is a journey of a day.
Hey, you've got a new chair.
I do have a new chair.
Which means that I get your old chair.
Yes.
Which means I can't touch the floor.
That's right.
I'm literally swinging my feet going, I'm like, if I tippy toe, again we need video.
If you could see me, I'm tippy toeing.
But it's a comfy chair.
Your parents blessed you with a new office chair.
It's so cute.
Your parents' love language is gift giving.
Yes.
And I know that we've talked about stuff like that in the past with one of our podcasts
as far as like people's gifts and their love languages.
And that's just, they thrive on that.
It's like they get upset when we go get something ourselves knowing that they could have gotten
something for us.
Or we buy dinner for them.
Oh, that used to make them high.
Every now and then it still does.
Yeah, I was going to say, your dad doesn't seem to cringe quite as much as he used to,
but it's really, it's sweet to see, you know, just those love languages.
And then it's like when you have a better understanding of someone's love language,
it's a lot easier for you to just say, okay, okay, you know, I'm going to let you lavish
your love on me in this way.
So it's not a bad thing.
No, no, it's not.
All right, babe, what are we talking about today?
So today we're kind of going to do a relationship Q&A.
Okay.
Not, not that we have a special guest with us today, because obviously it's just the
two of us sitting in the office.
But this was a list of questions given to us from some of our single friends.
Yes.
And we were asked by one of our absolute most precious friends if we would be willing to
basically kind of touch on, hey, how did you know?
Or when did you know, you know, when you were ready to start seeing somebody?
So it's going to be kind of a little bit of everything.
It's going to be a lot of stuff that we have talked about before.
But at the same time, I want to make sure that we're trying to bring something a little
bit extra to the plate so that we aren't repeating.
But there are some things that are worth repeating, especially when it does come to relationships.
And also with these, it was, you know, we love these questions.
We love our friends.
We also didn't feel that each question would be enough for a whole episode all by itself.
Right.
So we're going to be like, you know, here's these handful of questions and we're going
to answer them in detail.
We're going to answer them thoroughly.
Yeah.
The one answer wouldn't take 30 minutes though.
You're right.
At least not that I know of.
Yeah.
I mean, we might get talking and it might happen, but.
That's true.
Anyway, so.
Let's jump in.
All right.
So number one, how do you know when you met the right one?
Are there any clues when the person of interest isn't a good match for you?
That is good.
This is where I'm going to say it goes, it goes back to prayer.
Yeah.
You know, it goes back to prayer.
It goes back to listening to the Holy Spirit.
It goes back to what, what do you, what are you doing to prepare for this moment, for
this season in your life of, you know, I know we've talked about setting expectations and
boundaries of, you know, well, one, one day when I want a spouse, you know, these, these
are the qualities that I want this person to have.
I know one of our pastors joked that, you know, if, if you both leave in Jesus, if you're
both filled with the Holy Spirit, then just pick a model off the shelf.
That's it.
You know, what suits your fancy.
Right.
You know, after, after those big questions, it's just, you know, it's down to personal
preference.
Yeah.
So, because the reality is you don't really even have to have a whole heck of a lot in
common as far as everyday interest and things of that nature.
You and I have talked from the beginning and we've, you know, alluded to the fact that
like our first date we're walking through Barnes and Noble and you're saying, I like
this.
And I'm like, I don't like that.
I like this book.
I don't like that book.
I like this kind of music.
I don't like that kind of music, you know, and it just, it, you know, to see us together,
it's like you got two totally like polar opposites, but there's enough beautiful, um, common ground,
you know, yes, absolutely.
We love God.
Absolutely.
The Holy Spirit.
I also would say, um, one of the things is I love watching you light up when you get
excited about something and vice versa.
You, you love when you love hearing me talk about my days as far as when I go and hang
out with the kiddos and things of that nature, you know, or if you're big into like, we literally
had to put the alternator back in my car and you're very mechanic savvy.
I was raised by a mechanic, so I got under the hood along with you and our sweet, sweet
friend Chico blessing came and helped pull a lot of stuff apart for us, but I got to
come and help you put things together.
And it's like, that's not my absolute favorite place to be, but it's nice to know that I
can be in that space with you and it makes you happy, you know?
So I don't know, I, I, I would have to agree just the Holy Spirit, just nudging you, you
know, calling your heart to a place.
Um, I know one of our sweet friends that, you know, when the one that had asked, how
do you know when you're ready to even start dating?
What was that something inside of you guys?
I'll speak for me.
I'm not so sure if it was a thing that I said that, okay, it's time for me to date.
I think, I think my heart finally got to a place where it was starting to heal and I
could trust again.
I could trust again, you know, because I talk about the first time we, our first encounter,
you shook my hand, you looked me right in the eye and I said, hi, I'm Dina.
And you go, I'm Luke.
And it was for the first time in over a decade that I had actually felt safe, you know?
And I think that those are kind of some of the qualities that you need to walk away with
of how does this make person make me feel?
Not just, oh my gosh, he's so hot, you know, but, or she's so hot.
It's, it's a thing of, wow, I can, I can see forever with this person, you know, not to
be weird, creepy.
So, yeah.
And kind of, you know, the, with the other part of that question are, you know, how do
you know if, you know, the, the red flags or that you're, that it's not a good fit and
it comes down to again, what, what are those items that you said, you know, this is what
I'm looking for or what are the items that says, you know, this is, this is no go.
Right.
You know, this, this is a, I'm not going to compromise on this standard in my life.
You know, and, and what are those things?
And, and, you know, again, if, if you prepare for this moment and the season, before you're
in this moment in season, you're much more likely to know this, this is a red light,
this is a green light, this is a, this is a flag that I need to be aware of versus this
is a, this is an open door that I can walk into.
Right.
You know, because again, and, and I, you know, I know for me, it wasn't, you know, I had
been through so many relationships in my past.
I knew red flags.
I knew what crazy girlfriends look like, you know, and it is, it's, it's just those things
that you, it's either those, those hiccups from your past that you're like, I know this
is a red flag, or it's a, you know, this is a standard that I have set in my own life.
And if they don't respect that, I'm out.
Yeah.
You know, and, and I'll say for me to the other question of, you know, how did you know
when you're ready to, to settle down or start dating?
I mean, it wasn't, for me, there was no light bulb.
Yeah.
It wasn't like a, you know, the Holy Spirit rang a bell in my head and said, okay, you're
now ready.
Good job.
Yeah.
You know, it was, it was kind of like, I think the best way I could explain it is, you know,
like a candle melting wax or, you know, like sand getting eroded by the sea.
It's just, it was something over time.
You know, it was these, these, you know, the walls that I had built up around me, it was,
you know, the, the personality and attitudes that I had had before I came to church that
were coming off of me.
And it was, it was, I mean, yes, before I came to church, I had the thought of, I'm
getting to a certain age.
I want to settle down.
I want to find somebody that's stable, insane.
Yeah.
You know, before Jesus, I did not have a high bar.
Something normal, not going to drive me crazy.
Someone loyal, you know, so it.
Bless you babe.
And then you got me.
You are all of those things.
So yeah.
So again, it's for, for those kinds of questions it is, it's, you know, if you, if you're
somebody that said for the longest time, I'm not going to a never, never, never.
And then all of a sudden you have that inkling of an idea of, huh, maybe there's a pretty
good chance you're moving, you're moving in that direction.
And there's, yeah, there is, there's a good chance that, yeah, you're ready.
You just don't want to admit it to yourself.
Yep.
Oh, you just called her out.
I know you just heard that.
Okay.
So number two, how long should you date or court before you get married?
Is there such a thing as getting married too fast?
Do you want to tell this story about your parents?
I'd be fine.
I would like that story.
Tell that, tell the, tell the listeners about your parents.
Okay.
So my parents, um, their anniversary is this month.
Their anniversary is at the end of this month, April 28th.
Um, so my parents, uh, they met when they were in the air force.
Um, it was my mom's first duty station.
Um, so she had just been assigned there.
Um, it was my dad's, uh, in the air force, they call it tech school because you do basic
training and then you do your tech school to learn your job.
And then you go off to, to your duty station, your first, your first base that you're going
to be at.
And back then my dad played the guitar and he played every now and then he would play
on a guitar, um, in a coffee shop, coffee house.
And the story I was told, this is the best, this is the best.
My mom picked up my dad.
I can totally see the mom doing it though.
Now that I know your mom, the way that I do it, like, oh yeah, oh yeah.
You totally were like crushing on him.
Yeah.
And before, before the air force, my dad had long hair.
He was borderline hippie.
Yes.
Um, we're still believing that there's some stuff, there's some stuff he hasn't told us.
Oh yeah.
Love you dad.
So so my dad's there on the weekends, evenings playing guitar in a coffee house.
My mom comes and picks him up.
They start dating.
So my, like I said, my dad is in training.
My mom's regular air force and my dad finishes training and he gets orders.
Yeah.
And so they're like, well, we've been dating for three months.
Three, three months.
Say it again.
Three months.
We can either go our separate ways and take the chance of running into each other again,
or we can get married and see what happens.
And they've been married for how long baby?
This year is 49 years.
How cool is that?
Very cool.
And not to uncover your parents at any regard, but they've had some, they've had some pretty
severe ups and downs.
They've had their ups and downs, their challenges.
Yeah.
But I think the fact that they never said quit.
Yeah.
They never said quit.
Not that I heard.
Yeah.
I was about to say you being raised in that household, I don't think divorce has ever
been was even an option to them.
And that's so incredibly cool.
I know with us, ours was, what did we say, what say February, February to the following
May.
Yeah.
February of 11, we started courting.
Yeah.
May of 12, we got married.
Yeah.
And so that's what 15, however many?
14, 15 months.
That's again, it's longer, but to some people it may not seem very long or it might seem
a lot longer than some.
But we were also, in a way we were ready.
Yes, very much so.
Because, and again, what's going on in your life?
Yeah.
You know, to answer a lot of these questions, it's going to depend on where are you in life?
Yes.
You know, what is your walk with God look like?
What do you want to personally accomplish in your life before you hit the season or
not?
Because we, you know, again, we were a little bit older than a normal single swing in marriage.
We are mid thirties.
Yeah.
You know, and so we knew what we wanted out of life, or at least we had a decent idea.
And we had been talking about marriage probably since at least the summer.
Yeah.
So, what, four or five, at most six months after we started courting, we were talking
about marriage.
Yeah.
And that we knew we wanted to get married.
Yeah.
And just the fact that the moment that we had our first date, I knew in that moment.
I had already known.
I don't think it took you a second.
It did.
And that was fine.
I think just the fact, again, the way that we went about it, because if this did not
go the way that we thought it was going to go, neither one of us, like there's no skin
off either one of our noses.
We kept ourselves very beyond reproach.
Yeah.
Is that the-
Above reproach.
Yeah.
Blameless.
Yeah.
And we had no regrets.
Mm-hmm.
We didn't do anything out that we go, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.
Now I'm going to have to be awkward at church with you.
Yeah.
We did it in a manner to where it was like, if this doesn't happen, I'm still going to
honor and respect you as a person.
Yeah.
And we'll move on.
Yeah.
But yeah, it was, but I know one of the biggest things that caused us to wait until May to
get married was because I was actually finishing up college at the time.
I had gone back to get my degree.
And so-
Because we were going to try before that.
We were.
Yeah.
Like what?
January, February, I think.
And we decided let's wait till I'm done with college.
Yeah.
The weekend I graduated from college, we got married.
So it was awesome.
You got your degree.
He became a husband and a father.
Yup.
All in two days.
Yes.
That's awesome.
It was awesome.
It's awesome.
Okay.
So yeah, that's what I would say to that is-
Okay.
So as far as any such thing as getting married too fast, again, a lot of our answers are
going to be, what does the Holy Spirit say to you?
Yeah.
Man, if you don't have a God advantage when it comes to certain things, it's just, life
is going to be a lot more difficult.
It just will.
And I'm a big fan.
Again, if you're walking this blameless, if you're doing your best to remain innocent
in your relationship, by six to nine months, you should know.
I believe so.
You should have a really, really good idea.
Yeah.
If people have been dating for two, three, five years and they're like, I don't know,
then the answer is probably no.
Yeah.
Either you know and something's going on with you internally or spiritually that is preventing
you from saying yes or you, the answer is no and you don't want to admit it either to
yourself or to the other person.
Yeah.
I, to piggyback on that, I would say that if there is something of that nature kind
of happening to you, then that my mind would be, you might want to step back.
You might want to just kind of step back from the relationship.
Not that you have to say, I have to cut this off completely, but especially if it's become
a physical kind of relationship, if it's brought in, if you're already living like you're married
and you haven't gotten married yet, then yeah, you need to do some deep.
I would challenge you to just do some really deep inward thinking of what is the problem?
Yeah.
What broken place need, God, do you need to fix?
Yeah.
Because ultimately that's the only place that you're going to get any kind of healing and
then ultimately any kind of resolve.
Yeah.
Whether it's you're getting married to this person or you're cutting it off completely.
So yeah.
Okay.
So number three, how do you prepare for marriage while being single?
How do you?
I mean, one of the main things I know, and again, there's days where I want to apologize
to everybody and say, if we're repeating ourselves, I don't want to feel like we're repeating ourselves,
but at the same time there's things that need to be repeated.
And even if we kind of bring it to a different place and the fact that, you know, maybe there's
been a few weeks that has gone by and then all of a sudden it's like you've already been
chewing on something and then here God brings something right back around again.
When I was single and I'll even go even closer back when it was just Gabriel and I went as
a single mom, I remember sitting there and having bills in front of me and pushing it
across the table to an empty chair and saying, okay, God, how do you want to do this?
Because ultimately only you can.
You're the one that produces wealth.
You're the one that blesses my business because I was working.
I had my own cleaning business.
I was also working at the news station with audio video production technician.
And so I'm like doing double duty plus being mom.
And I had to learn how to submit my life.
And that seems to be such an ugly word to a lot of people, whether it's been, it has
been abused in the past, whether it's like with marriages or especially husbands over
wives, but the submission goes both ways.
And one of those things where I finally, when I say submit, it means I yield my life to
you.
I yield my life.
I yield my thoughts.
I yield how I think this needs to look.
Because ultimately I've chosen poorly over the years and God, I want, I want nothing
but your best.
And the only way that that's going to happen is that I start yielding my life now to whatever
that looks like.
When I go shopping, father, what would you like me to buy?
You know, um, how, how do I pay for this bill?
How do I take care of my daughter?
How do I raise my daughter?
What do I say to her?
How do I respond to her?
You know, and, and then ultimately asking him to heal my mind of any, any preconceived
idea of how I think it needs to go.
Because um, my, my upbringing, um, I didn't have good examples.
I didn't have good examples of what a healthy marriage looked like.
And I didn't have, my parents were almost married 50 years, you know?
And and not to slam my parents, but you know, they did the best they could with what they
had because if you even find out about my grandparents, I come from a long line of jacked
up, you know?
And every, I can genuinely say though, every generation has gotten better than the last.
And, and I think looking in the word of God, asking him, what does a wife even look like,
father?
What does that look like to you?
You know, um, we brought up the, the story of the sermon with, you know, here's a pastor
gray and he's like, you know, a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and talking about
how you carry yourself.
You don't carry yourself as a girlfriend, somebody to be played with, somebody to be
fantasized and lusted after and messed with.
You carry yourself with the utmost respect knowing that you are God's girl, that you've
been set apart for such a time and says even the men, it's, you know, we've talked about
you and I, how God completely restored my innocence as far as how I carried myself and
what I demanded more or less and it created that it broke something inside of you to where
all of a sudden your innocence is being restored.
Oh my gosh, I don't have to sleep with you before we, you know, Oh, I don't have to live
with you to, no, we can genuinely sit here and we can talk.
We can allow the Holy spirit to come and knit our hearts together.
You know, we can, we can just become friends.
We can become each other's best friends and not have to get caught up in the, you know,
the physical realm because once you start getting mixed up in the physical realm, things
get, if it gets out, if it's out of alignment with what God has called, it gets messy.
That's when you're dating somebody to three to five years and going, Oh, well ultimately
they're going to change and ultimately they're going to want to marry me.
And you're like, but you're already giving them everything that they want.
What's, you haven't given them any, what's, what's, what's the goal here?
Yeah, exactly.
You, you've, they've already got, they've already got you.
And so, um, I would say as far as, um, just ask the word of God, ask the Holy spirit,
get into the word of God, asking, just ask them to show you what that looks like.
And again, it's, it's back to the, you know, what, what kind of spouse do you want to be?
Yeah.
What do you want?
Yeah.
What do you want?
But not, not just what do you, not just what do you want, but what kind of spouse do you
want to be?
Yeah.
You know, start, start being that now.
That's so good.
Yeah.
You know, don't, don't sit there because you're, you're, you know, 23, 25, 28 and say, well,
this is how a normal young adult acts.
And so this is what I'm going to do.
Yeah.
No, start, start acting the way you want to act and start, start insisting that you be
treated the way you want to be treated.
Yeah.
You know, cause again, it's, if, if you allow the kind of treatment that you would not want
to be treated as a spouse, why are, why are you allowing that now?
Right.
You know, if you want to live to a different standard, when you're, when you're, when you
get married, why are you not either living that standard now or working towards that
standard now?
Right.
Cause I know that like we talked to our, our beautiful girl and it's like, do you want
to be with somebody that's been with 15 other women?
Right.
She's like, oh gosh, no.
And I go, then you don't want to be that girl.
Yeah.
Guys, do you want a girl that is sincere and that has a true devotion to you and that has
kept herself and you can look at her and go, oh my gosh, this is literally the woman that
I get to be with the rest of my days.
Then don't be that guy.
That's right.
It's just, it goes both ways.
It does.
It's just, you know, it's so many times that we talk about, you know, chastity or we talk
about being chased and you know, and it's become such a girl thing.
And it's like, no, the fellas, their innocence needs to be restored too.
And they need to carry themselves as men, as husbands, you know, because with all due
respect, that's probably one of the number one things when I looked at you and I was
like, you're kind, you're gentle, you're loving.
This is a good friend.
This is somebody that's, that's attentive to the P everybody that you talk to, they
have your undivided attention.
And this is stuff that I saw before we even started talking.
And I'm like, these are qualities.
These are qualities that I want in a person.
You know, I, I want to know that when I have your, your attention, that's it.
It's not divided by 40,000 other things, you know, granted we have children and blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, but you know what I'm saying?
It's like we do, we have those moments where even in the midst of the 40 things, we even
today, you know, stop ourselves and just go, hi, how are you?
Miss your face.
Yes.
And so, um, it's, it, it's setting yourself apart and knowing that you, you are priceless.
You are a treasure that your body, your mind, your soul, your heart, your emotions, all
of the things, these are gifts and you do not give those gifts out to just anybody.
That's right.
So, okay.
Uh, four, how are we doing?
Doing good.
Okay.
What are some appropriate dating, uh, courting guidelines?
Again, here's my stock answer of, you know, before you get in the situation, make, make
your list.
You know, I, I'm a big fan of write down your list, write down your expectations because
again, if, if you make up your mind ahead of time, and especially if you write it down
ahead of time, then if that situation comes up, you know, no, here's, here's my predetermined
response.
Here's my predetermined path.
I'm, I'm, I want this or I want that.
Um, you know, so some of those things, you know, I mean, again, do you, do you want to
be alone with this person?
Um, you know, where, where things could, where temptation could come up?
I'm not saying, you know, no, you're not allowed to go out on a date by yourself, but you know,
in alone in a car is, is that, is that a good idea or a bad idea?
Um, you know, I would, I would say definitely stay out of bedrooms.
Yes, very much so.
You know, don't, don't nap together.
Oh man, no.
You know, cause it might, oh, we're just napping.
We're just holding each other and napping.
No, that, that can lead to things.
And that's something that, that is, that's an intimacy.
It is.
Yeah.
And that's, that is something that, um, yeah, that only, that should only be given to those
that are married in a committed relationship.
Not even a committed, just married.
Just you have a, you have a covenant with this person.
Yeah.
You know, so, so things like that, you know, again, it's, I know we're a little bit, we're
a little different because we were in our mid thirties.
We were both previously married and new stuff.
So for us, it wasn't a concern to be in the car alone.
I mean, to, to go one place or another, we did not, I would recommend against, you know,
I know some people call it parking or they used to, you know, where you just sit in a
car out on an abandoned road or wherever and you just sit and talk.
But sometimes that sit and talk can lead to other things.
So, so again, it's, it's not that we're trying to be sound like we're sticks in the mud or
anything, but you know, again, have that conversation with the Holy Spirit, do that deep, um, you
know, uh, that deep conversation with yourself of what, what is a trigger for me?
Right.
You know, what, what is going to bring up a response that I don't want?
Right.
And what, what kind of situation do I feel would put me in a bad spot or put me in a
bad light?
Right.
You know, yeah.
So because it's you, you could absolutely be doing everything on the up and up and right,
but even just the perception of what it could possibly look like and no, just no, the, no,
the boundaries, no, no, that, um, just keep yourself, like I said before, just above reproach.
You know, it, it's not like you're trying to, um, well, I can't do this because this
person is going to say this.
The reality is even in the midst of our courtship, people said things.
Oh yeah.
And a lot of times the reason people said things is because they didn't believe that
this was even possible because they never did it.
Um, because they somehow in their brains, this, this surely can't happen.
Right.
And you're like, but yeah, if you can, if the Holy spirit's involved and you give him
permission to smack you, if you try to go somewhere that you're not supposed to, you
know, um, I know that with, um, as far as, uh, the guidelines that we talked about, it's,
we're not saying that you write these guidelines yourself, that if you're in this relationship
with this person, you need to have a mutual understanding that this is where we are because
this ultimately is where your foundation is laid.
You know, to this day, we always talk about, um, well, you know, I, I trust you and you
trust me.
Again we've had things along the way where people have tried to even say things to you.
And the very first thing you say out of your mouth is I trust her.
Yeah.
Well, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But I trust her and it's because there's this foundation.
There's this, um, Hey, we've, we've been through some stuff.
We've proven who we are and, and what we want in this relationship.
Even before we got married.
And so I know that like a friend of ours, um, she counsels married women a lot of times
and she's like, you know, do you trust your husband?
And it's like, no, I don't trust my husband.
Well, why not?
Well, I couldn't trust him with my body even beforehand.
He couldn't keep his hands off me.
He didn't know.
He didn't know the word no things of that nature.
And so that produces a, it produces some stuff inside of you that you're like, well, we're
married now.
What's the problem?
And it's like, yeah, but I couldn't trust you when I said, no, let's, let's not, you
know?
So it's insane with men and women.
So anyway, and I'll say real quick, um, to, to close that one out.
Don't, don't be afraid.
And I highly encourage, tell at least one friend, yes, you know, if not two or three
friends, we had a good, here's my plan.
Here are my expectations.
Yeah.
You know, if you do write something out with, with your, your significant other, um, you
know, share it with your friends.
Yes.
You know, don't, don't be afraid to have an accountability partner or two.
Yeah.
And if you can't find friends that you can be accountable to with this kind of stuff,
you might want to reconsider some of these friends.
Right.
And I'll be that bold to say that because, um, that means that you are living in a completely
different world.
Your desire is to have one life, but apparently there's a, there's a second life that's going
on.
So you might even have to go as deep as to say, you're not for me in this, so I can't
walk with you on that.
Again, not cutting them off completely, just, yeah, this is, yeah, this obviously is something
that you can't.
What level of a friend are they?
That's a good, yeah, I like that.
That's a good way of saying it.
Okay.
Um, number five, do you think it's possible for girls and guys to be friends without a
possibility of dating?
If you ask one of our pastors, it's the answer is absolutely not.
Yes.
And I, and I know we've talked about this recently.
And you know, I know, I know it's out there that says, you know, there, there's a lot
of people out there that have the mindset of if a guy is a friend with a girl, it's
because they want something more.
Right.
Is there truth to that?
Some.
There, there is some truth to that.
Yeah.
And, and I know when our pastor said that guys and girls can't be friends, it was in
the discussion, it was in the realm of soul ties.
Right.
And to that, I would say, you know, again, if you're, if you're, you know, quote unquote,
such good friends that you're having those deep heart to heart conversations where you're
sharing your feelings and, and the, the, the conversations are getting intimate, not even,
not even about sex, but just intimate with emotions and feelings, right.
Open hearts that can create a soul tie.
Yeah.
And I would say that kind of guy-girl relationship friendship is, is more dangerous than beneficial.
Yes.
But now lighthearted surface, especially in a group setting, I think it's fine.
Yeah.
But again, it's, it's when you get into that, I have a, I have a connection with this person.
Yeah.
You know, that's when it's, that's when it gets into the, that's, that can be a soul
tie.
Right.
That can be a dangerous situation that can, can, can possibly harm or derail future relationships.
Yes.
I, I will say in our own personal lives.
Okay.
So our beautiful, amazing sister is celebrating her birthday today.
Right.
Yes.
And you have a very amazing relationship with her.
Yes.
And I would say even outside of me, there's such an adoration that you both have for one
another.
And then we have our amazing friend that came and helped you with a car yesterday, that
same thing, an amazing adoration for one another.
You know, so I think a lot of it is kind of like what you're saying.
When you know the respectful boundaries of your life, because we have incredible heart
to hearts with both of these individuals.
Both of us will have a credible heart to hearts.
I will also say that those incredible heart to hearts are usually with the other person
in the room with them.
Right.
And we don't, we don't do these conversations by ourselves.
Right.
Um, for that reason, just out of respect that, and honestly, we come really good as a pair
because you get to bring things to the table that I don't even think about it and vice
versa and just the different perspectives, you know, from the male versus the female
and just how do we, how do you explain it?
Well, how do you explain it?
Well, what do you think?
You know, and I think that that is one of those times where I would say, no, I've got
some really great friends that are guys.
You have some really great friends that are girls.
But again, they're, they've almost, they've, they blend, you know, it's, it's very much
a, a lot of them are just very mutual friends in our world.
Yeah.
And like you said, you know, what, what is the context of the, of the conversation you're
having?
You know, I'm again, I'm not going to go off and have a conversation with one of these
female friends, a, without you and b, without your knowledge.
Yeah.
You know, because again, it's, you are, you are my priority.
Right.
Yeah.
I love that.
Okay.
So the last one in our time is, woo, hey, okay.
We're doing good.
How do we approach the fear of marriage?
That's a good one.
Wow.
That is wow.
Okay.
Say la, how do you approach the fear of marriage?
Cause this would kind of also, I believe, um, answer our sweet friends question as far
as when she was asking, how do you even know?
Yeah.
That you're ready and part of me would go, I would think it would almost kind of be in
the same vein.
How do you approach the fear of marriage?
And I think my question would be, what is your fear?
Number one, what are you scared of?
Are you scared of failure or are you scared?
What, what, what are you scared of when it comes to marriage?
Because ultimately this marriage is a sanctity between, I mean, it's a covenant that God
created.
Yeah.
And it's between Adam and Eve and it's just gone on and on and on and on.
Um, I think sometimes the fear of marriage is, um, either how we were raised and what
we saw in our own lives, um, in our families, parents, the examples that are around us.
Oh my gosh, I'm going to be my parents or oh my gosh, like we talked about last week,
you know, I'm going to be my grandmother, you know, whatever, you know, and, or is it
a thing of finally you, you have to get past the fear of, you know, is it a fear of I'm
going to look at the same person for the rest of my life?
Or I mean, what is it exactly that, cause if it's a fear of, oh my gosh, I'm going
to be just with this one person the rest of my life, how does that go?
And I would be the friend that would say, then you're not ready for a marriage.
Because if you can't look at this person and go, I want to spend the rest of my days with
you.
This is a face that I can look at the rest of my, cause maybe you get better with age.
You just genuinely do, you know?
And it's like, I want to, I want to, I want to grow young and I want to grow successfully
with this person.
And I would, I would bring the question of, you know, is, is the fear, you know, cause
sometimes the fear can be, I don't want to mess up, you know, especially if you have
been in that situation where you've had failed relationships or even failed marriages.
You know, I don't want to mess this up, you know, or, you know, sometimes the fear can
be afraid to trust, you know, knowing that to be married to this person, you have to
be open and vulnerable to that person.
You know, I, I know everything about you.
You know, everything about me.
There are some people that are afraid of that level of openness and intimacy.
Cause of the fear of rejection.
Yeah.
The fear of if you, if you really truly knew, and to have somebody come alongside of you
and say, number one, let me in.
Number two, okay, guess what?
I said for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, this is, this is where I am
with you.
I'm not changing my mind.
You know, um, we always go back to, you know, love is patient.
It's kind, it's gentle.
It doesn't push itself on.
It doesn't demand its own.
It keeps no record of wrong.
It just, all of those things.
And it's like, if we start looking through those kinds of lenses, the fear, perfect love
cast out fear.
Yeah.
That's what the word of God says.
Perfect love.
The God kind of love, the kind of love that says I'm never going to leave you or forsake
you.
The kind of love that says I'm willing to walk through hell and high water with you.
Yeah.
And the kind of love that says I'm going to love you enough to trust you with my absolute
deepest, darkest secret and believe that you're going to believe the best for me too.
Yeah.
You know?
Because again, love keeps no record of wrongs.
You know?
And I would almost say, I think some of the fear is also the physical intimacy.
Yeah.
You know, I know we touched a little bit about this, um, episode 17 where we did talk about
intimacy and I know we talked about this the other day with some of our friends.
Yeah.
And we, we spend so many years, you know, growing up of sex is bad, sex is bad, sex
is bad, sex is bad.
You know, people beating it over your head, especially if you're a Christian.
Yeah.
Sex is bad, sex is bad.
And then all of a sudden your wedding night comes and it's like, sex is a beautiful thing.
You should share it.
And it was created by God.
And it's an amazing thing between a husband and a wife.
And it's like, how do you, how do you process that?
Yeah.
You know, it would be like saying, you know, if we raised Gabriel to say cars are bad,
cars are bad, cars are bad, cars are bad.
Yeah.
All of a sudden she's 16 toss her a set of keys and be like, cars are great.
Go drive.
Right.
You know?
Yeah.
No, I love that analogy.
I have so it's true.
It's true because it's like we fight.
The enemy is just a punk.
Yeah.
He's a punk because it's like, you know, well, keep yourself, you know, keep yourself away,
keep yourself away from the sin, keep yourself.
Well, this is, this is horrible.
And it's like, no, it's, it's doing it out of step is what's going to hurt you.
Sex making love is not going to hurt you.
Yeah.
You know, God designed this.
He created it.
All of the beautiful intricacies that come with it.
And if we just say, you know what, this is something you get to be, you get to partake
of.
Yeah.
Of the gift that is given to you when you get to get married.
Yeah.
This is something you get to look forward to.
So it's an expectation of, oh my gosh, this is so good.
Yeah.
As opposed to, well, no, you know, you're going straight to hell if this, you're going
to, you know, you can't that condemnation mentality.
And it's like, stop it.
Yeah.
Stop it.
Because you're, you're like, we're literally watering down and making things that God is
called good so bad until it's like, oh, well let's yeah, let's celebrate and party.
And then you're freaked out.
Yeah.
Because in your mind, you're like, I can't touch you.
I can't touch you.
And then you got a whole other world of worms and nonsense and crazy that you're just like,
I don't even know what to do.
Yeah.
And, and then you, your body can't perform and then you're, it just, it jacks you up.
It does.
It jacks you up.
So what was our question?
The dealing with the fear.
Fear of marriage.
Yeah.
Feeling fear of getting married.
Yeah.
So I'm, I, my prayer is that people would just pull off all of those preconceived ideas.
Yeah.
You know, we talked about it last, last week, even the good intentions of what people have
said, whether it's marriage, however that looks, you know, no sex before marriage, this
and that and the other, and then just ask God, ask, ask the Holy Spirit.
Yeah.
It, it's going to be a process.
Sometimes it's a process, but the fact is that you have to just step out and just do
it.
Yeah.
You just got to step out and just do it.
You got to step out and say, you know, if, if you're already married, looking at that
person and saying, I love you for better or for worse, that's it.
This is where we are.
So this obviously is a problem.
So let's fix it.
Yeah.
Let's fix it.
I want to fix this with you.
Yeah.
I want you to be better for you.
And then ultimately for us, you know, or if you are contemplating marriage and you see
things in your life that you're strongholds that you're dealing with father, I'm asking
that you help me.
Yeah.
You help me.
You show me how to dig these things out.
And then ultimately, you know, when you are in that relationship that, you know, you're
walking and looking at marriage, then just say, Hey, you know, these are the expectations
that God has blessed us with.
These are the boundaries.
Yeah.
These are the things that he wants to keep us safe in.
Yeah.
So that way we can build a strong foundation of a marriage.
Do you want to walk with me in this?
Yeah.
You know, and be vulnerable enough to say, yeah, I'm struggling here though.
Or yeah, can I take you by the hand and I'll help you get through whatever you're struggling
with?
Yeah.
You know?
And I'll kind of leave it with this, you know, because I know there are a lot of questions
about how do I know and, and what about this and what about this when this time comes?
A bit of advice that I gave to a young lady that used to live with our family.
Yeah.
She was contemplating whether or not to, to start dating a boy.
Yeah.
They are now married and they have a baby coming.
Baby coming.
Yeah.
But we were talking because it was, it was back and forth of, you know, should I, shouldn't
I, and, and how do I know?
And all this.
And I looked at her and I said, do you trust him to pray for your spirit?
Yeah.
And if you do, why don't you think he would do the same for your heart?
Man, babe.
Yeah.
So yeah.
I mean, again, it, it all comes down to, to, to prayer and to what is, what does God say
and what does your heart say?
You know?
So yeah, I think that's what I'll leave you all with.
I love that.
This was a long one, but I think it was a good one.
I think so.
Yeah.
So if you guys have any other questions, like we've kind of blew through a bunch of them
and we kind of went in depth on stuff, but please by all means just reach out to us.
Yeah.
Share, like, you know, review, review, all of those fun things.
Yes.
But just, we appreciate you guys.
And we, if we put ourselves on repeat, it's because we genuinely care about your hearts.
Yeah.
We genuinely care about your wellbeing.
Yeah.
And we have never met you at all in our lives.
Please know that we don't take this lightly.
Yes.
We genuinely care about you guys.
Yeah.
And we pray that God meets you wherever you are and whatever, whatever phase or season
of relationship that you're in.
That's right.
All right, guys, have a good day.
Have a good rest of your day.