Hello and welcome to another episode of Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na.
Hi babe.
Hey babe.
How's it going?
Good.
How are you?
It's good.
I see good.
I just rolled into the house.
I'm sorry.
That's alright.
I'm so cool.
Yeah?
I like took a big deep sigh there.
Yeah.
I'm good.
And that's what happens.
And that is what happens.
And anybody that listened to last week knows why I'm taking big deep sighs right now.
Yes.
But it's good.
It's good.
I'm doing my best to decompress before I get home.
But you're also incredibly kind and loving to me and let me talk and work things through.
But it's also one of those things where our sweet sweet Karen reminded me that when I
leave the school and after I have been with these amazing students that I need to take
myself a spiritual bath.
And we actually say this a lot in our family anyway.
But just so that way I don't come back with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
And I don't have any attitudes or incidences or just spiritual stuff that wants to stick
on me.
And then eventually maybe touch you or the kids or just you know.
So there's my quick little practical tip of just reminder.
And then maybe sometimes people don't understand that that's actually a thing.
So I'm good.
Yes.
I'm good.
I really am.
I'm good.
I'm fine.
I'm getting the footing underneath me.
I'm getting things figured out.
I was told that I was a really crummy PE teacher today by one of the kids.
But we're finding out that unfortunately this kid he's got other things going on.
And I just happened to be the target that was the closest to try to hit.
I was going to say sometimes that's on the same level as when your kid is upset.
Them saying that you're a bad parent.
I hate you.
I hate that cold.
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
I even gave him permission to go to the office and go tell on me to the administration.
Yes.
And so but it's fine.
It's good.
What are we talking about today?
Today babe.
There we go.
Sorry guys.
I'm trying.
I promise I'm trying.
Yeah.
So today I want to talk about how relationships take effort.
Like me talking right now.
Yes.
Where did this come from?
I mean it's come from many conversations that we've had.
You know but also you know life happens.
Yes.
You know and you know I know they say sometimes you know they're like you know marriage is
work and it's like sometimes yeah.
But you know there's a lot of times if you say marriage is work then people equate work
with not fun or hard work or you know it's not enjoyable.
Yeah.
Whereas if you say it takes effort you know for some people that's a little more palatable.
Yeah.
You know but it is.
It's you know this you know be it a marriage be it a relationship if it's something that
you want to you know do well and thrive you have to put effort into it.
You know it's taking care of kids, taking care of a plant, taking care of a pet, going
to the gym, going to your job.
You know these are things that we want to do on a daily or near daily basis that takes
effort you know.
So why not a relationship or your marriage be you know why not give it daily care.
Absolutely.
You know and again you know do those things on a daily or near daily that you know can
make sure that you can take care of that relationship the way it needs to be taken care of.
You know something that you were saying you know in addition to the spiritual bath.
You know I know when I used to go into the office every day that commute time on my way
home that was like my decompression.
You know because again it's when you're commuting when you're spending 15-20 minutes in a car
with just you your thoughts and maybe music or a podcast or whatever.
Yeah.
That's that helps you decompress a lot better than walking up 12 steps and all of a sudden
you know walking up the flight of stairs and all of a sudden it's like and okay.
Yeah.
You know so it is so it's important to take those things to be mindful of what's going
on internally.
Yeah.
So that you're better prepared for what's coming at you externally.
Yes.
So.
Yes.
So what does that look like?
I mean I think what it is is you know again you mentioned taking spiritual baths.
Yeah.
And for those that are not maybe not familiar with that term or you know it's you know it's
basically praying over yourself to wash off or release whatever's tried to get a hold
of you throughout the day you know.
Right.
Because we are spiritual beings.
Right.
You know we are in a constant spiritual battle you know again the weapons formed against
us you know it's not the weapons that will be formed against us it's the weapons that
are formed against us you know.
Yeah.
Count yourselves you know what is it counted a joy when struggles come.
Yes.
Not if struggles come.
When struggles come.
Yeah.
You know so again it's you know focusing on that spiritual aspect of life that you know
we need to make sure that we're not bringing trash home.
Absolutely.
You know and it's in a way it's that simple you know I remember when I was in college
and we were recording you know I had a I had a literature course that I mean she was having
us read some just weird stuff and yeah and it was you know there were times you could
almost see it on me you know when I would show up you know so it is it's just you know
releasing that and and basically not making sure it doesn't come home with you.
Yeah.
You know it's you know it's also taking times to to notice your spouse your partner.
Yeah.
Who you're in a relationship with noticing your kids if you have kids you know it's those
internal times when you're like man it would be nice if somebody said this.
Yeah.
So say it.
You know.
Yeah.
Plant the seed that you want maybe just not just to grow in that person but to grow in
you.
Yeah.
You know because it is it's like I think one of the things that really triggered it was
you and I were in the car a couple of days ago and I don't remember how it came about
but it was like you you were talking about like somebody's talking about infidelity.
So infidelity doesn't happen overnight.
Right.
Infidelity is something that I mean that's pretty extreme that's about is it's you know
where it talks about the marriage bed should not be undefiled that means that you listen
don't be sleeping around don't be having an affair don't have fornication adult adultery
the whole nine of it.
Right.
So it's just it's between you and your spouse.
So we immediately went into that place of man if you have hit the place of that.
Yeah.
Then then there was some mismanagement.
Yeah.
Back there somewhere along the way and I love what you said as far as like if we daily.
Take inventory you know like we do with our health you know I'm feeling a little under
the weather right now I might want to go ahead and get ahead of this.
Yeah.
And so that way I get good again as opposed to just be like oh well you know case or asara
it is what it is and just and you're like no that's not how this you don't have to have
it like that.
Yeah.
So you know be proactive you know if if your spouse seems to be you know kind of veering
off their attention doesn't seem to be quite or it's it's just you know like divided a
little bit.
But we also say that with projects we say that with jobs we say that with life and that's
where the intentionality needs to come into play.
We had a sweet friend of ours say can you give us some practical tips on what dates
even look like because sometimes I'll be like Luke Dina listen I don't have the money for
the kids to be going somewhere and then taking my spouse out that could be a good hundred
bucks that I do not have.
Yeah.
And we would say hey maybe go on a grocery store date.
We do those a lot.
Yeah.
I just want to be with you I just want to sit in the car and I just want to be with
you you know or we and we found that one box date that you can do once a month.
That's just you could even do it from home.
You don't have to go out whether you have children or you don't have children.
The fact is that you need to be investing.
Yeah.
This is the most important relationship in your life outside of God.
You need to take that time to invest whether that if you don't have the finances you make
the time.
Yeah.
What is important to you.
No.
You'll make time for you know and it's like with you and I we have incredibly busy lives.
I would veer to say and listen guys we're talking to ourselves right now.
Yeah.
I would fear to say grab a calendar start writing it out.
Start start carving out time because even I always think of like God when he created
the heavens and the earth took him seven or six days right.
And then on the seventh day he rested.
If he's saying it's important to rest it's also important to have that time of like reconnection.
If your physical life your intimate life with each other seems to be something that needs
to be improved on then schedule it.
Yeah.
Take time be intentional.
Babe I want more affection from you.
Babe I need this from you.
You know or this would make me or what can what do you need.
You know not just vocalizing your need to the other person but asking your spouse what
do they need.
Yeah.
What can I help you with right now.
I don't know how many times I ask you when you go into the garage do you need any help.
Am I thinking there's nothing I can do really but I could sit there.
Yeah.
And I could be with you.
Yeah.
And we could just spend time together you know and sometimes that's all it takes.
You know just knowing that the other person I want to be with you.
I miss you.
You know we'll say that periodically throughout the week.
I miss your face.
I just want your face.
Can I have your face now.
You know and so it's I think think outside of the box.
Think outside of the box.
You know figure out what might be lacking in your relationship and then start pouring
into where that might be a drought.
Where it your cup isn't quite as full.
You know right now I'm in my health class I'm teaching optimal health which means the
full package you want a full package deal as far as a marriage.
You know you want to be hitting on all cylinders in every space.
So it's like what can I do physically emotionally mentally spiritually you know to better make
us better.
So you know really just I think I would think just you know you don't have to spend a lot
of money.
No you know no but time time is something that I think or when if you don't have a lot
of time babe I only have like 30 minutes.
Okay you just want to go for a walk.
You know do you can we just sit right.
And we just reconnect somehow some way and let each other know that you are each other's
priority in that moment.
Right and again it's it is it's that finding those moments of reconnection.
It's finding that you know in a way I almost want to think back to you know I know we did
that one episode and we talked about you know the different love languages and all that
and again it's I know for some people quality time is important.
You know other times it's you know it's acts of service or you know doing stuff and it's
like you know that stuff that you get to find out you know before you're married you know
find those things out.
You know even if you know even if you're not married yet you know have those conversations
to figure out what is important to you.
You know what is important to the other person.
You know I'm I'm a big fan and we're big fans of you know especially people before they
get into a relationship.
Try to have these questions answered for yourself.
You know hey what is important to me.
You know hey if if life is getting busy how can I carve out time for what's important.
Or you know if I've got you know 15 projects that are pulling me in 30 different directions.
You know how can I re center myself how can I re center myself to somebody that's important
to me.
Right.
You know so if it's like if you have these conversations beforehand if you have these
expectations.
If you have these boundaries you know when when it comes time for that relationship or
it comes time for that you know hectic season of life you're you've at least had the conversation
with yourself.
Yeah.
So you're you're a bit more prepared for it.
Yeah.
You know and again it's it's not always fun to talk about how to prepare.
Yeah.
When everything's fine.
Yeah.
But it is it's good to have those conversations of OK well you know like I know that we have
not had a big conversation about what to do in our house if there's a tornado warning.
Right.
But we know go to the basement.
Yep.
You know.
And so it's like we know if in that if that happens this is what we do.
Right.
We know if life gets hectic we re center ourselves we carve out time that we can focus on each
other.
Yeah.
So you know again it's not always fun to think about what are the strategies if if life falls
apart but again be prepared.
Yeah.
And you'll be able to handle it a little bit better than if you weren't.
Yeah.
I'd also say because I keep hearing this in my head of so simple things how do you do
that.
OK guys how do you do that.
You put your phone away.
Yeah.
You lay down your electronics you turn off the TV and you talk.
Yeah.
You know if you have a hard time communicating if it's gotten to a place where maybe communication
isn't flowing quite as well maybe somebody somebody's mad at somebody or you're trying
to you're trying to make your way back from something.
Right.
There's cards out there there's card games where you can have conversations that start
conversations for you bring in somebody talk to a counselor talk to a pastor talk to somebody
that can help walk you through maybe some hurts maybe some things some disappointments
some shortcomings right.
Yeah.
If that's something you don't feel you can do on your own because I think a lot of times
when you and I talk about car ride conversations and there's another very kind sweet friend
that just learned about us and her text to me was I love how you guys interact with each
other and you know it's so seamless and so easy and I'm like we've worked hard for this
is the thing and the reason why it looks easy and seamless why we can genuinely talk about
anything under the sun is because we've gone to those places.
Yeah.
We've allowed ourselves to just be bare in front of each other and say this is what I'm
struggling with this is what's going on with me.
It's not a reflection of you per se but this is what's happening with me right now and
you get to be the one that helps walk me with you know walks me through it.
And so if communication and conversation is something that you struggle with the hey guess
what guys the best way to learn how to do it is just do it and no matter how awkward
it is no matter how much you seem to stumble over your words sometimes the fact that you're
talking my my sister-in-law's mom said the most beautiful thing to them her and my brother
when they first got married and she said she goes well yes all we're doing is just yelling
at each other and arguing all the time and she was at least you're communicating.
Yeah that's true.
The minute it gets quiet that's when you need to be concerned.
Yeah.
So she's like talk it through I'm not saying yell at each other please do not take that
as you have permission to yell but there's a reason.
Yeah.
Kind of like the young man I was telling you about today I had an altercation in one of
my classes today he's yelling at me but it was he's were he was mad at somebody he was
mad at a situation and it was me that he was taking it out on it may not even necessarily
be you that is is causing your spouse to have an irritation or starting to shut down it
might be the outside voices it might be the extra pressures it might be just the things
that's where we need to be patient with each other we need to say what do you need from
me today.
Yeah.
What can I do for you how can I help silence the noise or what what what part can I play
to help make the load lighter you know and so making ourselves available to each other
making ourselves willing to have the hard conversations that is that is some it may
not be practical but that's some of the simple basis of you know making sure that your relationship
is still on stable solid ground and even when it's stable and solid you grow.
Yes.
You grow and you've got to allow yourself to dig in those footings even deeper like
we talked about once before how many podcasts ago but it was like we're building the building
the foundation but now we're building a building on top of it okay now we're wanting to expand
and we're wanting to try to increase well we got to dig deep into that bedrock even
more so so that way when we are building and when we are doing things that that our foundation
is solid that starts with God and then it just and then it you know continues with the
two of us so that's kind of my take on this today I think.
I think mine as well you know I mean again I think again my biggest thing my biggest
is you know yeah be prepared but also you know like you said you know do the little
things.
Do the little things.
I you know I want a time where I can reconnect with my spouse with my boyfriend girlfriend
whatever my fiancee yeah it's like again you know take these simple things that you know
wander through the grocery store yeah you know go people watch.
Yes you know we like that.
You can you there's there's a lot of simple things that you can do to reconnect.
Yeah.
And you know even if it's reconnecting on a shallow level that can lead to reconnecting
on a deeper level because I was just about to say what is it that made you you know like
you wooed the person to you.
Yeah you know like go smell good again you know go don't give your don't give your spouse
the leftovers of your day.
Yeah you know.
Make the effort you know be excited about dates even if it is to go to the grocery store
you know you look extra little cute right now yeah I'm going to go out with you I want
to represent you I'm an extension of you and I want to look good because when I look good
that makes you look that even much better and besides I want to look cute for you.
You know and I think I think if we continue to love each other and court each other Charlie
and Karen are constantly saying after the 50 plus years now that they've been married
they still are on their honeymoon it's because you're taking that time to pour that love
on that person and they know beyond a shadow of a doubt even when it gets too much that
I'm for you I love you I'm not going anywhere I'm never going to change my mind that's right
you know and that's what that's what we need to be doing this week I think well every day
but this is this week's what we're talking about.
So be mindful be mindful you know if you're having a conversation if you're sitting with
your spouse move the phone over you know if it's not something that's pressing if your
kiddos like our kiddos right now one of them is out and about but even then it's like make
sure they are a priority in your life make sure that they know that they are number uno
yes all right enjoy the journey y'all have the best week.