Hello and welcome to another episode of Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na.
Hi.
Hey baby.
I look forward to the day when we have cameras rolling and everybody sees you quietly dancing
in your head to the music.
To the music.
To the intro music.
Which is funny because we mute it and we don't hear it ourselves but yet we've listened
to it enough that we know the music.
I sound like a psychopath.
No, no not at all.
I will say though because it does get cold in here when we do film, when we do get cameras
in here we are going to need to make sure we have like a quiet space heater or something.
I just, well what was it?
You said the other day, because babe it's freaking cold down here.
It is cold in my office.
This is dumb.
For the computer people out there my office is like a server room.
It's ugh.
Or a science lab for those teachers out there because that's where I was today in the science
lab.
And I'm like dear god I don't have enough clothes on.
No it's no joke.
We talk about that but it's like we talk about getting you a heated blanket, an electric
blanket.
I'm about to Amazon.
You might see me smack in the middle of this.
Forgive me guys if I seem a little distracted.
I can't feel my toes or my nose.
And you were so kind to give me your hoodie.
My office hoodie?
Your office hoodie.
Because I keep a hoodie in my office.
For this reason.
And now you see, no you don't need to see, but you already know.
You already know.
This is why I have literally blankets strategically placed around our home.
Anybody that comes into our house y'all come visit.
Listen I got you.
I got the pillows.
She's got a blanket for you.
I got the pillows.
I got it.
If you are a cold natured person, because we have leather furniture upstairs that does
not help.
I got you.
I will take care of you.
You will.
If you have our hot natured friends, just go sit on the leather couch.
You'll be fine.
See?
We got everything for everybody.
We got you.
How has your day been?
My day's been good.
Yeah.
For the most part pretty quiet.
So we did some grocery shopping.
So that was always exciting.
We did some grocery shopping and it's like our dates.
We always joke but it's true.
And listen, just a side note, if you guys aren't able to find time sometimes throughout
the week or that's like, well we just don't have the finances to go out.
Listen grocery shopping, that counts as a date.
It does.
You hold hands, maybe pat each other's douches periodically throughout.
Give each other a little squeeze.
And literally the bill, you get the bill at the end of your time.
And you don't have to leave a tip.
And you don't have to leave a tip because groceries are expensive enough.
That's right.
But it's good.
No, it was a good day.
It was a good day.
And you met me at the grocery store because I got to-
Because you were subbing?
Yeah, which was good.
I love my kids.
They're good kids.
I love my school kids.
I love when I get to go sub and I get to go see these amazing familiar faces and you always
love my stories because I literally put voices and mannerisms and I've learned how to morph
myself into a high school boy.
Yes.
It's like watching a really, you know, a budget version of a one man show.
So yeah.
Hey Mrs. Wentz.
How are you today Mrs. Wentz?
What's going on?
How was your weekend?
It's good.
No, it's good.
It's good.
Yeah, it's good.
I do.
I love my kids.
They're good people.
But that was my day.
So what are we going to talk about tonight?
So today it's like we're going back and forth about what to talk about and we've got some
really good solid ideas and we do still have some questions from our big request of, you
know, some Q&A stuff.
But as I was sitting here talking and we're talking and going over topics, I wanted to,
you know, I know our big thing is communication.
And that's our biggest thing is talking, you know, whether you're, you know, especially
if you're married because yes, that is kind of our target of why we started this was communication
in a relationship or communication in a marriage.
But you know, we do explore and we do talk about how communication is important in every
aspect of your life, whether it's, you know, parent to child, child to parent, you know,
friends, student teacher, you know, boyfriends, fiancees, girlfriends, you know, coworkers.
You know, it's just and we're talking and I got to be honest, I did.
I stopped and I just prayed out loud of, you know, God, what do you want us to talk about?
And it's, you know, because we do talk about communication and I don't, you know, of all
that we talk about, I don't want to sit there and say, well, it all boils down to communication.
You know, I don't want it to be that simplistic, but in a way it is that simplistic.
It is that simple.
You know, if a whole lot of stuff would be solved in our lives, if we would get out of
our own way and communicate, if we would stop being afraid of how are they going to respond
to me?
You know, how are they going to respond to me?
And just communicate, just talk.
You know, yes, it helps if you have, if you've built that foundation, if you've got that
trust, like I can look at you and say, you know, pretty much just say anything that's
on my heart, on my head.
And I can just like throw it out, you know, basically almost like word vomit on you.
Yes.
And it's like, you know, my heart, you know, I'm not saying this like at you or to hurt
you, but it's like, this is what's in me.
I need to get it out.
And that even if it's ugly and looks gross and doesn't come out right and my words are
jumbled and I stutter and I'm getting it out.
I'm getting what's in me out.
I'm trying my best to communicate my feelings and you, you will always look at me and you
will just, because you know my heart, because we are in this together, because we're on
the same team, you can look at me and say, okay, I think this is, this is what I'm hearing,
you know, and that gets the conversation started.
You know, it's, it's like, you know, if, if you're working on your yard and somebody just
comes in, dumps a truckload of dirt in your front yard or on your driveway, it's like,
okay, well now I got a giant pile of dirt, now what do I do with it?
And then you put it where it needs to go and you sort through it and you're like, okay,
here's where this is.
Or, you know, again, if you're trying to build a house and the supply trucks show up and
they dump all the, all the raw materials right there on the lot.
Okay.
Well, this goes here, this goes here, this is for this, this is for that.
And you put things where they are, you sort things out, you figure out this, this, and
you build it.
You build a house and communicating it, it's like that, you know, because we do, we, we,
you know, sometimes when you just, sometimes when you just have so much in you and you're
just like, ah, you know, it is, it's like, it's like dropping off a load of raw materials.
And then the two of you get to sort out and say, okay, well, here's what, here's the pile.
Let's, let's sort the pile.
All of a sudden just in my mind, it is, it's, I'm like, I've got all these like metaphors
and visualizations.
It's like, you know, you just pulled the laundry out of the dryer and it's in the basket and
you just dump the basket on the bed.
I mean, that's what I did that night too.
Do you want to help me sort and fold clothes?
Of course.
You know, but it is, it's, you know, you, you dump everything out and it's like, okay,
this is mine, this is yours, this goes in this drawer, this goes in that drawer, and
this is for our kids.
And we put that on the stairs and.
Yeah.
You know, and, and I think I do, I think that's what it comes down to.
And I think, yes, it's hard to do that when you're in a newer relationship, you're getting
to know each other.
It's, it's a little, it can be a little more difficult knowing the person's heart when
they, they dump all that out in front of you.
Because sometimes if, depending on how it comes out, especially if it's, you know, hey,
this is what's on my mind and this is what I'm feeling at the moment.
Yeah.
If there isn't that connection, if there isn't that foundation, that trust, sometimes it
might feel like an attack.
Yeah.
So I immediately went to our first date.
Yeah.
And I, it's always funny to me where people will stand back and I always think of like,
one of my first thoughts that kind of goes back to, you'll know what I'm talking about
the minute that I say this person's name, Cabrera.
Yeah.
Right.
Like, oh my gosh, like, so this is one of, sweet friend of ours, sweet friend.
Yeah.
He's just, he's a monster of a guy.
Yeah.
And, credibly fit, always just very like, he literally looks like a statue kind of work
of art, if I can say that in a wife way.
I mean, he's like a crossfit, he's a crossfit kind of guy.
He used to play football, professionals, semi-pro.
Neat guy.
His wife is just as stunning, right?
And so it's one, but it's one of those things where I remember distinctly, I was like at
church one day and in my mind, I'm thinking, I just want someone to tell me like, Hey Dina,
get up here and do like a quick sermon.
And I'm like, all right, Cabrera, come here.
Okay.
So everybody wants this elaborate, like, dude, you're fit, like you're trim, you're this,
you're that.
Tell me, how often do you work out?
Tell me, what kind of, what does your diet look like?
Hey, tell me.
And it's like all of the, these components made up of this huge thing to where it's like,
you didn't just build this overnight, dude.
Yeah.
It's not an accident.
It's not an accident that this happened.
This is something that you've had to work on, on a constant, right?
And so whenever I hear people speak and we're humble, listen, like when I say this, I don't
say this out of a boastful space at all.
But when, when we literally have friends or different ones, people have come up to us
and said, how do you guys, how do y'all do this?
Like how do you do, how many times you and I will, we'll finish each other's sentences
or we'll say the same thing at the exact same time.
And it's one of those things where it's like, even at the very beginning of our relationship,
even before the trust was even there, before we had to trust God, we had to trust God.
I was having to hear like, God, like, listen, if I even am supposed to be with this guy,
you need to do X, Y, Z.
And God was so gracious to me that he like, God, if this guy is the one, he's got to ask
me out before the end of January.
January 31st is our first date, right?
It's like, God, if this is the one, he's got to this, this and this.
And every time God would meet me because he knew.
So at that point, I may not have trusted you, but I had to trust God in that space.
And I think that's what I want to get to for, because sometimes it's like, well, I got to
trust you, babe.
I got to trust you, babe.
Listen, there's some people that have wrecked it.
You know what I'm saying?
There are people that said, man, listen, Luke, you don't get it.
Like our marriage is like, we've blown some stuff.
Like some trust has been broken.
What do we do?
You trust God.
No, but Dana, you don't get it.
No, listen, I do get it.
I absolutely get it.
We understand what it is to screw up in such a capacity that you're like, there is no way
you can combat from that.
There's no way of coming back from that.
And the whole time God's going, if you trust me, if you trust me.
You think I can't do that?
You don't think I'm the one that built it in the first place.
You don't think I can rebuild it.
Oh, and rebuild it better than what it was before.
You don't think I can do that.
And so, but what that takes is number one, trusting God.
Number two, being completely blatantly honest.
Like we were talking to our daughter like this afternoon and talking about being blunt.
Yes.
You know, where, okay, where you can be blunt and it can come off mean, or you can just
be like, I'm just going to be blatantly honest with you.
Like I'm not going to hold anything back.
I'm going to tell you what I want, how I want it.
This is how I think.
This is how I, this is the things that I like.
These are the things I don't like.
This is the stuff that bugs me.
This is the stuff that doesn't bug me.
Okay.
Well, as I'm talking it out right now and I'm saying this right now, wow, that doesn't
seem to be as big of a deal.
Or as I'm expressing this to you right now, wow, okay, that seems to be a little bit heavier
than what I anticipated.
And it's that space of saying that's almost how you build that trust.
So it almost seems counterintuitive or it, you know, it's almost, and, but at the same
time it's like, as you are learning to trust, you have to figure out how you, how that's
your litmus test almost.
Yeah.
Right.
You got, you got to have those conversations to build the trust to have those conversations
that's it to build the trust.
It's almost like, what?
Like it's a, like it's a catch 22.
Yep.
It is.
And, and also in my, in my mind, when you were talking, it's like, it's also having
purposeful conversations on purpose.
Yes.
You know, because it is it's yes.
Yes.
Have those hood, those moments of chit chat of, you know, if you're watching TV or driving
down the road, you know, have a conversation of the color of that car that just drove
by have fun.
Enjoy have, have a lighthearted.
Yeah.
Have a lighthearted, somewhat meaningless conversation.
Yeah.
Um, but, but it also do have those, have those purposeful conversations on purpose.
Yeah.
You know, because, because that, that's how, that's how we get this done.
That's how we do this.
You know, Luke and Dina, how do you got, how do you, how did you get there?
We had conversations on purpose.
Our first conversation sitting across.
Yeah.
First of all, we were in Barnes and Noble.
We're walking through the store.
Yeah.
Well, I really like this author and I like this movie.
Oh dear God.
I don't, I have no desire for this kind of genre.
That's not even in my wheelhouse or at least not anymore.
And I like this over here or, you know, I'm not really big into that, but you seem to
be, but okay.
God, I've got to trust you because you're telling me to hang out with this person.
And especially when it, I mean, granted, this is before we were husband and wife, but even
getting to that space.
And then when we're sitting across from each other at Olive Garden and I'm looking later
that evening and I'm looking at your arms that, and if anybody knows my husband, he's
inked really, really well.
And he's got multiple holes in his head, earrings.
And it's one of those where the words came out of my mouth of, babe, what possessed you
to do that?
What drove you to do that?
What was the catalyst behind that?
Not a condemnation, not a condemning way, but wow.
Okay.
Well, that seems a little extra.
Maybe what possessed you to do that?
And it might be even those kinds of conversations now that you're potentially, like if you are
a married couple and you've, again, some mess ups have happened along the way.
These are things that maybe when the spouse sits down with you and says, we were talking
about this literally at dinner, when I looked at you and I said, I was talking to one of
my students today going, I want to get from a place of, gosh, what were you thinking as
going from that kind of talk to, man, what happened?
Are you okay?
Who hurt you?
Yeah.
Like what would possess you?
And people think, oh, like demon possessed.
No.
Like literally what came into your lane that caused you to go off kilter a little bit?
What happened that caused you?
Because I tell you the stories all the time.
It's like I come home and I'm encountering these kids that have gone through trauma that
are dealing with trauma.
You being a vet, you encountering other veterans, other people, we're encountering people that
are dealing with trauma.
People in the world, everybody's gone through crap.
And instead of us saying, man, you freaking lost your mind.
No, actually, no.
Like literally this person potentially, they're not thinking straight.
They're not in their right mind.
So man, are you okay?
What's going on?
And it's like when we have those kinds of conversations as opposed to taking something
personal, like somebody comes at you and starts yelling at you if it's your spouse, if it's
your child, if it's somebody on the street, something going on, all of a sudden they're
like coming at you in a way where it's like you feel like you're being attacked as opposed
to being defensive.
I mean, granted, if you're fighting for your life, that's one thing, but like if it's verbal
and it's like somebody, it's a defensive thing, maybe take a step back out of that and say,
okay, in my relationship, this is my spouse.
They're coming at me.
Hey, you okay?
What happened?
What happened that made you snap like that?
Hey, what happened?
Is there something I can do?
Did I do something?
So that's what I was about to say.
Yeah.
What did I say?
I'm so sorry, babe.
What did I say?
Yeah.
I mean, or even the self-assessment of what's happening in our marriage.
Yeah.
What's happening in our home.
Yeah.
Because again, we know that that can happen, that happens, and it is.
I do, and I know in my brain I sound like a broken record because I keep coming back
to... It is.
It's communication.
Every day, all day long, it's like people are like, hey, you guys should talk to people.
We have the same thing to say.
We've got one Bible verse and we've got just talk to each other.
It's like, thanks for coming to our TED Talk that lasted 2.5 seconds.
But it is.
As much as I laugh and as much as we giggle and I poke fun at ourselves, I know that as
... In my mind, as simple of an idea this is, I know it takes effort.
I know it takes work.
Even on our end.
It has taken... I mean, I know for me, this has taken a lot of work for me to get to the
point where I can communicate with you as well as I do.
And most days I feel like I fail or at least fall very short because it's not just the
trauma.
Sometimes how were you raised or what were your friends like?
If you were raised in a house, because I saw a video about it and it broke my heart because
I know there are people out there that are like this.
If you were raised in a house that they never said, I love you or I'm proud of you, it's
like, what is that going to do to you?
Yes, you could probably classify that as trauma.
But if you were raised with not showing a lot of affection and your parents did not
show a lot of affection to you much less to each other, all of a sudden now you're married.
I mean, what's that going to look like?
Especially if your spouse was raised in a house where they were open with their feelings
and their words and showing affection to each other.
You could be loading the dishwasher, your spouse comes in for a hug, you think they're
attacking you and you like jump back ready to punch.
And that might just come out of the blue.
And those are the things that need to be talked about.
They are.
Because I know that in the middle of one of our talks, as far as our marrieds group at
church, they were talking and some of our pastors were talking and they were saying,
you know, like almost verbatim, a lot of what you are saying, you weren't even in the room.
So this is what's cool about this.
But it was like they were basically saying, you know, so many times, like fights will
come out of the blue or stuff will come up like out of nowhere.
And sometimes you think you've dealt with those demons or you've dealt with that trauma
or you've dealt with whatever that's got, however you want to call it, whatever you
want to say.
But the fact is that some that's so here's my scripture that I think of in this moment.
And I believe that it has helped our marriage tremendously.
And it's also helped us in raising our children and now eventually talking to other people
around us.
And it's be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to respond.
And in the word of God, it talks about slow to get angry, right?
But to be slow to even respond.
It's like you're coming at me coming from my first marriage was not healthy.
And at times I have, I would have flashbacks.
Thank you, Jesus.
I'm so very far and few between anymore.
But it would be a thing of you would say something just right, or your hand would raise in just
the right manner.
And there's this pulling back of what's going to happen.
You know, and it's in.
So with that being said, it's like, we need to remember that number one, you're not my
ex husband.
And then you being quick to listen.
Babe, are you okay?
Slow to speak, slow to get angry, slow to respond, even to take offense or to be, I'm
hurt.
I can't believe that you would even think I would do something like you wouldn't.
You would never.
I have no doubt in my mind.
I literally trust you with my life, babe.
You're the gentlest, most strong, you're literally the strongest and most gentle person
all encapsulated in one big amazingness.
Right.
And it's one of those where trusting you in that space.
But it is it's a, and then then usually when those kind of moments happen, babe, what do
we do?
I usually say, give me a second.
Yeah, babe, I just flashback.
Yeah.
It's like, what do you need, what do you need me to do?
Do you need me to hold you?
Do you need me to step back?
Do you need me to take you for a ride somewhere?
What do we need to do?
You know, and vice versa in those moments where you'll have something trigger and all
of a sudden something hits and you go, I don't know why I just responded that way.
Like that the enemy's a punk and he knows buttons and he knows some of our weaknesses
and he wants to hit while the going is good.
Right.
And so we have to take that extra moment to not be so quick to try to solve the problem,
not try, but maybe acknowledge that there's just something going on and, and then giving
each other that time to breathe and then coming back, coming back is the number one key there.
And that, that I think too many times gets neglected.
You had mentioned it earlier, just too many times it's like what has made us successful
in both of our healings has been the fact that while the trauma is hitting or while
the PTSD or something, whatever it is that's going on in the moment, whatever is hitting
in that moment, we acknowledge that something's happening.
Even if we don't have the words to say, I am not okay right now.
Even with our beautiful brown eyed girl, her going through the girl stuff, the hormone
stuff, the thing stuff and saying, Hey, number one, you're not allowed to let this take you
too far, but let's acknowledge that it's even happening.
And then it's okay for you to say, I'm not okay.
Yeah.
I'm not okay.
And then after the dust settles, the everybody's back to okay again.
Talk about it.
Talk about decompress.
Yeah.
Because I know earlier when we were talking about that, I was explaining how, you know,
I feel like I've talked to you about this before, but it is, it's, it's like, I know
me and other people I've talked to when they're, they're, you know, having like an anxiety
attack, or if they're in the depth of one of those, like that, that bout of depression,
it's like, you feel like, like sometimes you almost feel like you're at the bottom of a
barrel or you're in the middle of a long dark tunnel.
And it's like, you can't necessarily see in front of you or behind you, but you feel like
everything's closing in on you.
Yeah.
And it's, you know, I know for me and like I said, others and all the, afterwards you
can explain, here's how it felt, or, or this might've been what set me off or, or, you
know, set me down the spiral.
Yeah.
But at the moment you, you, you can't, it, it's hard to, to put into words and, and,
and feelings what's going on.
Right.
And it just, it just feels dark and hopeless.
Or you know, you just feel so on edge and hopeless.
Yeah.
You know, which is crazy.
But it is.
And, and like I said, you know, when, when you're going through it, it's, it's hard to
ask for help.
It's, it's hard to describe what's going on.
It's, it's hard to think rationally and straight at times, you know, but it is, it's like the
next day or later that day or, you know, whenever it's, it is, it's, you know, it's like I told
you the, in, in my mind, I think of it, there, there was a military term that we would use
and it was called an after action report.
You know, it's like, so it's like after stuff has happened, let's talk about how it happened
and let's, let's, let's review what happened.
Yeah.
You know, and, and I think, and, and like you said, I love that you said that, that
it's, I, I feel that that's what a lot of couples and a lot of people are almost missing
out on and they, they maybe don't see the strength in that aspect of communication of
you can have a fight, you can have an argument, you can have that huge disagreement about
what's going on, but, but yes, you know, afterwards, come back, make up and, and you know, get
everything right again, you know, but also have that conversation of how did we get there?
Yeah.
You know, how, how did that happen?
You know, I don't mean to yell at you, but for some reason in this moment, I started
yelling at you.
Yeah.
How did that happen?
Yeah.
You know, do we want this to happen again?
Right.
Or how can we prevent this from happening?
Right.
And actually that's almost exactly what I was going to, why I put my finger on my nose.
Because literally when you were saying that, here's the thing that I also believe is missing
at times because a lot of times people go, okay, Luke, Dina, we like, we talk, like we
talk when we talk and then we talk some more and then we talk and then just, we just keep
having the same fight over and over and over and over and over again, or it's the similar
fight, but it just has a different outfit on or whatever, you know, kind of thing.
And what, what I want to say to you is this, okay.
So number one, everybody that has been following us and has been listening to us has learned
that you and I have come with some serious, some severe baggage, some, some very tattered,
we've got very colorful luggage.
We've got very, um, we've got very worn, um, and very battered and bruised luggage.
Okay.
Here's the thing as time goes by, we keep dropping luggage to the side of the road and
we keep walking.
We're not carrying the same luggage that we carried at the almost 11 years ago when we
said I do.
And that's something that I think is key that you have to, okay, you're a child of the most
high God, the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead dwells inside of you.
You have all of the power and the authority of the kingdom, heaven on earth, right?
Okay.
So that means that you don't get to stay where you are.
Yes.
That doesn't mean that you get to, um, babe, every time you say that to me, it triggers
me and it takes me off into a space you shouldn't, you know, and it's like, you should know better.
You should know.
And you want to, and okay.
So there's some things that you just, man, just shut up, just stop talking.
Just stop, just stop.
If you know that this is something that upsets your spouse, dear God, stop.
But Hey spouse, that keeps getting upset and getting offended.
Listen, I'm talking from the girl's standpoint.
I'm talking about me right now.
Why does this keep bugging me?
Father, I'm asking that you heal me right now from the inside out to where those triggers,
those, those buttons that you disengage those things that the enemy no longer gets to play
and use my spouse.
Especially if the origin of that button doesn't has nothing to do with your spouse and has
whatever to do with your life before you knew Jesus.
Yes.
Yeah.
Or even if it, let's go even further.
Okay.
Cause we're going to be talking to all of our friends, all of our people, all of our listeners.
Yeah.
Um, even if it does pertain to your spouse, you need to forgive.
You said you forgave.
Guess what?
Love covers the multitude of sense.
Love forgives.
Love doesn't keep a record of wrong.
Love doesn't continue to keep bringing up and bringing up and bringing up.
This takes discipline.
Yes.
This takes forgiveness.
This takes literally the grace and the mercy of God.
We realize the gravity of this.
You guys don't get it.
No, we get it.
You need Jesus.
You need Jesus smack in the middle of your marriage.
He needs to be the foundation.
He needs to be the walls.
He needs to be the ceiling.
He needs to be the decor of your marriage to the point where, so you can flourish in
every aspect of it.
Yeah.
And that's one of those where that's like you were saying that self evaluation.
Am I doing something?
Is there something?
Will you keep doing this?
Well, babe, that's, but that's not like evaluate is that is like, am I, is, am I really bringing
something to the table?
Is this really my thing or is it something that's been projected onto me that you're
saying that this is what I'm doing?
So it's like, get real.
Yeah.
Take, take record.
No, like, like, like, well, like, what are you doing?
Like seriously figure out what that route is.
Go after that route.
Yeah.
So that way your marriage can flourish and live in.
And I'll say this because this just hit me.
Um, are, are you like, I know, I know for you, you, um, when we were, when we were first
starting the court and all, and we were getting to know each other and figuring out all the
turns and twists and everything that makes us who we are.
Yeah.
Um, you were trying to start a fight.
Literally.
You were trying to find buttons and you were trying to find a fight.
You were like, babe, I'm sorry.
That's fine.
So bad.
But here's, here's what I'll say.
One of the challenges that I'm going to throw out is are you a person that is still trying
to pick a fight?
Yeah.
You know, it's like, I know your buttons.
Yeah.
I know your buttons.
If what kind of person, what kind of husband am I or even spouse, you know, if the women
are doing it to their husbands, what kind of husband am I if I'm intentionally trying
to push your buttons to flip your switches?
Not okay.
You know, and not in a good way, you know, because I know there are people out there
that just look to start a fight.
And see, it does.
It reminds me of that guy that we ran into the J at the gym.
He was like, do you ever start a fight with your, why?
I remember we actually said that.
We did.
We talked about that on one of our.
Oh my gosh.
And we're like, don't what?
Yeah.
Why?
That's a horrible idea.
Why would you want to do that?
You know, but it, but it is, I know, I know there are people out there that just look
to start a fight.
Yeah.
And part of it is that's all they know.
So for, so let me, let me share what we discovered in me pushing the buttons.
Yeah.
And one of the number one reasons why I kept trying to start fights was why babe?
Why did we, do you remember?
I remember a few different, I mean, I know part of it was, I know part of it was you
wanted to see how I would act when I got mad.
Yeah.
Because I was raised in a very angry household and I was married previously to a very angry
man.
Yeah.
And number two, I dealt with rejection.
I had so many people had walked out on me throughout my life that I was, and please guys hear me.
I'm not doing a, oh, woe is me.
I'm, I'm literally telling you, these are the things that God uncovered and, and, and
basically revealed to me and then eventually delivered me of, because I eventually let
go of them too.
I no longer lived as a victim.
Yes.
I said, you know what, wait a minute.
No, I either believe God can heal me or I don't.
I either believe I either forgive everybody that has hurt me or I don't.
I either ask forgiveness for everybody that I've hurt or I don't.
Yeah.
You heard him saying it's, it's, it's literally going, why do I do what I do?
Why am I doing that?
My gosh, what is, so if, if the very person again, your ride or die, the one that you
have vowed your life to, if they're saying, this is something that I see, these are the
patterns that you keep portraying.
This is just, it's not, it's almost the always nevers, those absolutes that we say don't
ever do.
But if you do genuinely have some things that like clockwork almost, you kind of almost
on always, um, you might want to check that literally as the Holy spirit, put a magnifying
glass against me, father, put your word up against me.
Show me what it is.
Why do I keep responding in the manner that I do?
Why do I keep going back to that relationship that is not okay?
Why do I keep going to the, the, the pornography?
Why do I keep going to the alcohol?
Why do I keep going to the, the adult, whatever we, whatever, what, why do I keep going back
to what I'm going back to the destructive behavior that's going to ultimately kill
me and my marriage?
Why do I keep doing what I'm doing?
And then get real with God and then walk with your spouse, repent and ask them to help you
walk through this.
Yeah.
And, and when, when your spouse or, or trusted friend, um, approaches you gently with love
and calls you out and says, Hey, I see you do this.
Yeah.
Don't take that as an attack.
No, no.
Take, again, know their heart and know that that trust and foundation that you have with
this person and know that they're looking out for the best in you.
That's right.
You know, I mean, especially, especially, especially if it's your spouse, you know,
because again, we are on the same team.
We always want the best for each other.
Yeah.
You know, it, you know, it's, I laugh.
It's kind of like being a parent, you know, you always, you know, it's like, well, I really
want this, but you know, I'll forego it so that my, my kids can have it, you know, or
something like that.
You know, it's like, I want, I want to see, I, I always want to see my wife just, just
propelled and, and focused and, and excelling at everything that she has to, that she wants
to put her hands in her mind to.
And if, if my, you know, if I have something that, that needs to take a second, a backseat
or put on the back burner, that's, I'm good with that.
I am good with that to help her succeed.
And, and, or, or even not succeed, but if it's something that, that helps in her healing,
you know, so that she can be an even better spouse, you know, not just, oh, she needs
to be a better wife for me.
No, she can be, you know, so she can be a better spouse.
So she can be a better person.
Yeah.
You know, so she can serve the kingdom better, you know, because ultimately that's what it
comes down to.
Yeah.
You know, we are serving each other so that we can serve the kingdom.
Cause, cause here's, here's some practical.
Yeah.
Okay.
Practical.
I come home, kids are going to muck.
Everything's going to hell in a hand basket.
Babe, what do you do?
I got to be honest.
I'm like, what do I do?
What do you do?
Like I look at you, what would be one of the first things that you, that would be just-
Can I make you food?
Can you make me food?
Hey babe, can I make dinner for everybody?
You look tired, you need to get some rest.
Can I make dinner for everybody?
You look tired, you need food.
You need a snack.
But, but like as opposed to, well, I need to give her space.
Yeah.
It's more of a-
I'll give her space, but I'll also do something that, that needs getting done.
Or create space or just take that load off.
It's like, it's us coming into the situation with our spouse.
You know, if you see that your spouse is drowning, whether it's in laundry, house chores, if
it's the husband, like all of a sudden he's drowning and he's freaking out over the finances,
whatever, whatever, however your household looks, whoever has what role, and I'm not
going to say the girls or the boys role.
I'm just saying we all naturally gravitate to certain things.
We know guys that do housekeeping better than the girls do.
And we know girls that do finances better than the fellas do.
This is not a male versus female thing.
This is a, I'm a co-laborer with you.
I'm, I'm your help mate.
We literally get to walk in this together.
This is our home.
This is our children.
These are our children.
This is our life.
We get to make the load lighter.
What can I do for you today?
I might be the weak one in the moment and you get to come in and you get to swoop in
and be Superman.
You might be the weak one in the moment and I get to come in and be your She-Ra.
You know what I mean?
It's like, what do you need in that moment?
And it's, it's, it's recognizing being slow to speak.
What have you done all day?
Like husband coming home to the wife.
What have you done all day?
All of you.
I've kept people alive today or I kept the house from burning down.
That's what I did today.
You know, kind of situation or the wife going to the husband.
Oh, well, what, what have you done for me lately or what, you know, and it's like, what?
No, why?
Just shut up.
Yeah.
Are you serious?
Hey, I sure do appreciate the fact that you took the time to do this.
Hey, thank you for always just loving on the kids the way that you do.
You know, it's, it's coming in or being slow in the moment and just like, choose your words
wisely.
Examine the room.
Know your audience.
Does your, does your spouse look frazzled?
You probably don't want to come and say, we have this bill that we need to take care of
or, oh, you know, so and so needs to have, nope, nope, nope.
Sit down.
Yeah.
Sit down next to your spouse.
Yeah.
Hey, how are you?
You're right.
How's your day been?
No.
Is there anything I can do for you right now?
No.
Oh, can I just listen?
I'd like to just listen and hear what your day was or you need to just be still.
No.
Can I just hold you for a second?
No.
What do you need?
Oh, you need ice cream?
Whatever it is, it's be all things to all people so you can win a few.
Okay?
So there's another scripture.
Granted, this is talking about salvation, but why can't this start in your home?
Yeah.
And I think, you know, some people hear that and I think they mean, you know, they almost
internalize that to mean like I have to be fake or I have to put on a different, you
know, it's almost like you have to put on different hats.
Yeah.
You know, it's like at times, you know, again, I know me.
I'm a husband.
I'm a father.
I'm a worker.
I'm a woodworker.
You know, it's, you know, there are all these different things, you know, and, you know,
that's not even counting what I do, you know, at church or outside the home.
And it's like, you know, it's like you can put on these different hats and you can put
on these different outfits for your different roles, but that doesn't mean that you're being
somebody that you're not.
No.
You know, it's like I'm not trying to be an extrovert, you know, going to the bars all
the time, you know, just so that I can win a few people to Christ, you know, but, you
know, sometimes you, it's, huh.
It's being multifaceted.
And yeah.
And sometimes, you know, and yes, sometimes your role as husband or father, you are doing
stuff that you, that is not your first choice.
Right.
But again, it's, I almost want to be tough on people and say, suck it up, you know, just
do it, you know, because again, it's that joke, you know, I don't care how big and manly
and scary you look.
When a five year old hands you a fake telephone call, you answer.
Yes, you do.
You know?
Yes.
If you have daughters and she looks at you and says, I want you to wear this and I want
you to come to a tea party, you put that on, you go to a tea party.
You know?
Yes.
It is.
That's what you do.
And it's the same with the boys.
Yeah.
Mom, I want to play war with you and I'm going to shoot you and you're going to fall down.
Yes.
You fall down.
Yes, you do.
And you come with sound effects.
Yes.
But that's, that's who our God is.
That is.
And I think of that scripture often and I think about that often when it comes to just
people.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm encountering, I'll even stuck into another fellow teacher today and just talking about
the students and I said, we've got to be multiple things, sometimes at the same time.
And sometimes it's not in our wheelhouse and we have to dig in deep or we have to call
on God or we have to do both.
And it's one of those where father, I'm not good at this.
And he's like, yeah, but where you're weak, I'm strong.
Right.
But God, you don't understand Dina's this, this, and this.
And he's like, yeah.
And I made her that way.
But I also made you this way and I'm put y'all together.
So that means I will give you the wisdom to do what you need to do.
And it's like, if we take that time, if we remember that it's not just two in this relationship,
but we've got three.
Yes.
There's three of us.
Yeah.
And so very much, he literally made the very intricacies of who we are individually.
And when he starts speaking to our hearts sweetly about the other one, and if we listen,
then we get to see that communication really, really flow to the fullest.
Yeah.
So that we can genuinely get out of our own ways and talk and listen and communicate.
That's it.
Yeah.
That's it.
I liked this, babe.
This was good.
I liked it.
This is good.
Yeah.
All right, guys.
Have the best week.
And we'll see you next time.