Hello and welcome back to another episode of
Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na. Hey
babe. Hey babe. You're busy playing on your phone.
I'm not playing, I'm looking up scripture. And
the next thing you start talking and I'm like,
I was not. You even asked me, babe, are you ready?
I'm ready. And now I'm like looking and I, oh,
see, it's the video. It's coming. Yeah. We are
even closer now to video than what we were before.
Yes. Because, babe, what did you put in Amazon
cart and I bought? We got computer components
and lights. So, yeah. So we've got two cameras.
We got the cables. We've got the computer set
up. We got the cameras. I already said cameras.
You got another camera, though. Got another camera
for Sebastian. Yeah, got another camera for Sebastian.
Because you guys have a project that you're going
to be working on. Because that's going to be
an interesting little project, yeah. I'm very
excited. Thank you for turning this down all
of a sudden. Yeah, earlier we were talking, and
it's like, wow, that's really awesome. Yeah,
let's hear each other. And I'm like, that's really
loud. It's really loud. I feel like I'm yelling
at you. Why are you screaming at me right now?
But you and Sebastian are going to be doing a
project soon. Yes. Because one of our amazing
friends gave him an amazing idea. And he wants
to run with it. And so, okay, let's run with
it. Let's see what happens. We're going to see
what happens. I'm stoked. Yeah. I'm personally
stoked. We're just kind of watching all of these
things just kind of, okay, God, what's up to
you? Like, congratulations, you have a new car.
Yes. Congratulations. We have business cards
coming. Yeah. I don't know why I say congratulations,
but I think it's just in my mind, I'm like, we've
had a lot of y 'all and friends and family, different
ones that have been kind of. uh, keeping up with
us, finding out what we're doing. We've got some
friends that are like, come move this way, come
move this way, be closer to us. Other friends
are like, no, you will never move. You will always
be here. It's like, I almost, I almost want to
say we have friends that are passively cheering
us on. And the reason I say that is because they're,
they're, they're encouraging, they're cheering
us on, but they're not like, because we're not
a hundred percent there. at the starting line
i mean we are but like i don't know it feels
like the excitement's there the anticipation's
there the the encouragement is there but it's
not like full -throated like it's not like you
know it's like all the excitement of like getting
ready for the race and then all of a sudden it's
like the starting gun hasn't gone off so it's
like So it's like all that preparatory encouragement,
if you will. Yeah. No, I hear what you're saying.
I think it's how you look at it. Ooh. I think
it's all in the perspective. Because in my brain,
that gun went off a long time ago. Yeah. Way
back here, like, hey, I want you to start this
podcast. Now I want you to go get your certifications
for relationship coaching. Hey, I want you to
go and I want you to speak and I want you to
be part of this event. And then it's like, hey,
I want you to even sit in front of couples and,
you know, give advice. You apparently have. pulled
back the curtain now to your new co -workers
because you have moved positions yeah change
teams same position change teams yeah and so
you have pulled the curtain back and let them
know what we do and now yeah now they're like
soliciting me for advice everybody wants to know
like to the point where yeah to the point where
one one co -worker was like you need to fix my
husband i'm like no No, I know. I'm like, I know
your husband. He's a cool guy. Yeah. No, that's
not how this works. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Which
is, which was funny. Cause when you were working
with him, he's like, fix it. Yeah. Fix it. I
mean, he didn't so much fix it. It was more of
just, why? Yeah. Why is this? Why is this? Why
does this happen? And then you would get me involved.
Well, I say you get me involved. I would. I would
share how my day went and some of the conversations.
And he was gracious enough to hear what I had
to say and go, I don't think I even thought about
it like that. So it's encouraging to know that
there has been enough groundwork done. Again,
the... The gun that has gone off and you're like,
you know, cause we're not like running hard.
I literally feel like the tortoise and the hare
and we are the tortoise and we are just, we are
steadily intentionally moving forward and taking
ground by doing the little things to build the
foundation, to do this stuff. We're being obedient.
We're just being obedient and doing what it is
that we feel that God is telling us to do each
step of the way. And each step of the way, he
meets us. And each step of the way, it feels
like just a little bit more. He goes, okay, nope,
nope. Do you trust me? I know this may not make
sense or nope. do you trust me? I know you don't
see the big picture, but Oh, do you trust me?
And it's like, no, I do trust you. I do trust
you. And it's like, sometimes you and I will
sit there and look at each other and we won't
say a word. And then there's other days where
we look at each other and we'll say the quiet
parts out loud. And then there's other days where
it's like, I have absolutely no idea. No idea.
None. When are you guys doing bubble? No idea.
No, that is not something he has told us today.
Yeah. Well, well, are you seeking him out? Okay.
I want to punch you in the throat now because
like, yeah, totally seeking him out. But yeah,
it's, it's, um, it's, it's, I like it. I like
the journey he has us on. Yeah. It's, it's building
the momentum. It's like being in the gym where
you do kind of this, the warmups, you do the,
you know, the, the PT, the stuff before it's
like you start running. yeah and it's even like
when you say that like it's like it's in the
gym even when you when you are at the gym and
and even if you're faithful you know it's like
you've been it it feels like you're not going
anywhere because you keep lifting the same weight
but yet you're secretly getting stronger not
secretly but quietly yeah getting stronger yeah
you know and and it's like you don't realize
that you are and all of a sudden oh maybe I am
yeah I mean something comes in front of you either
it's an opposition or an opportunity and then
you go from second guessing like do I even have
anything to whoa I don't think I realize that
this whole time I've been building my stamina
and this is yeah here we go yeah yeah I love
that Okay. Well, that was just kind of a weird
randomness of stuff. Not really. But here it
is. I was going to say it wasn't really random.
It was like, here's where we're at. Yeah. Yeah.
It's good. Yeah. So what are we talking about
today? So I'm going to call today no changing.
No changing. Right. Okay. So. What does that
mean? Because it almost. It's kind of tongue
-in -cheek for me because I know a lot of our
talk. We talk a lot how change is good, how change
is inevitable. Growth is good. Being uncomfortable
in those seasons, that is good because you want
growth. Again, it can be uncomfortable to lift
heavy weights. It can hurt. You know, and it's
there's that growth. There's that change. There's
that, you know, that that process. So change
is good. Change is a welcome thing. Right. But
I wanted to call it no changing. Kind of kind
of like I said, kind of tongue in cheek. But
I wanted to say, no, you can't change your spouse.
Right. Because that's kind of what I wanted to.
I mean, not just me. I mean, we've been talking
about this a little bit off and on for the past
week or so. Right. And so it is. That's what
I wanted to call it because I think that's the
best thing to remind people is you can't change
your spouse. Who your spouse is when you meet
them, that's who they are. That's who they're
going to be. You can't change them. Only they
can decide to change themselves, and truly only
God can change them. Right, right. So it's that
little fun reminder. Yeah. So I know that there
was a couple of scenarios that came to the surface
that made us even have this conversation. Yeah.
And one of them was hearing a couple basically
fight. over a scenario. And with the scenario,
this is something that the wife got very upset
with the husband. And we're standing back and
we're watching this and hearing this and going,
wait a minute, this is something that you've
known about this person for the whole duration.
Yeah, and we could say this about so many couples
that we don't know because this is a... It is
more common than not. Right. And I know that
I literally even put something on Facebook, two
different things, actually. And it was talking
about the argumentative wife and that there's
no man that wants to be with an argumentative
wife. And I know that we in the past have heard
it said and have said it ourselves that no man
wants to sleep with his mother. Because if you
are somebody that is constantly bickering and
griping and harping on your husband, you're basically
becoming his mom as opposed to his counterpart,
somebody that he can come alongside with and
grow something with. And so too many times we
have seen where the very thing that this person
is trying to change is the very thing that you
fell in love with. Because I know time and time
again, like even in our own story, me stepping
back and having to pray and ask God to give me
wisdom because there were certain things, qualities,
personality traits that you have. And I remember
literally Holy Spirit like really pressing on
me and basically saying, if you try to change
him, you will destroy him. And I think too many
times, and this goes both ways. It's not just
a husband to a wife or a wife to a husband. This
goes both ways. A lot of times, what happens,
the thing that changes when you become man and
wife is now you are with this person on a greater
basis than you were before. If you were not like...
together before if you weren't living together
before but even then i believe that something
shifts in the atmosphere something shifts in
the spirit realm to where it's like when you
go from boyfriend girlfriend even engaged to
husband and wife like all of a sudden the certain
little nuances and the the quirks of who your
person is the things that you found enduring
almost become a little bit more amplified and
can potentially grade if you're not careful.
Yeah. And I think also part of it is that whole,
as much as we talk about, you know, don't read,
you know, nobody's a mind reader, you know, how
much of their, or how much is it out there that
people are like, well, now that we're married,
they should know. Well, now that we're married,
they should stop that. Right. Now that we're
married, they should now start doing that because
we're married. They should know that this absolutely
irritates me. No, that's not how this works.
That's not how this works. If they didn't do
this beforehand, if you knew that they never
separated their laundry, their dirty clothes
before tossing them in the washer, just because
you're magically married now doesn't mean that,
oh, they're now going to sort their clothes.
No, no, that's not how that works. Are you secretly
trying to tell me something? Nope, not at all.
I am not secretly saying anything because I will
tell you that doesn't bother me because I'm the
kind of person that I'm like, look, they're all
dirty. Throw them in the cold. They're all the
same. They all get washed the same. Unless it's
something that it's like, oh, this has to be
washed separate or this has to be washed special.
It needs bleach or something. like with my bjj
my gi it's like okay that has to go in the gentle
and it hangs dry by itself right so it's like
okay we're obviously not throwing that in with
my underwear and socks okay cool but i don't
i don't i don't care all i came thinking is good
to know yeah i did not know this that's good
yeah um but again that's kind of why i i take
care of it i toss it in but um You know, but
again, it's those things that, you know, how
many spouses are out there and they're like,
they'll quote unquote put up with something,
behavior, attitude, personality, and just they
have it set in their mind that, well, as soon
as we get married, this will stop. Right. This
will change as soon as we're married. Or I can
change them. Yeah, that too. If I'm hanging out
with me and if I nag them enough or if I gripe
enough or if I, you know, if I show them the
way. If I show them the way enough, then they
will be better at this. And it's like, I think,
can some of that happen? Yeah. Is it better to,
number one, have a conversation? Yeah. Hey, babe,
guess what? This kind of grates my gears a bit
when you do X, Y, Z. Yeah. And it's like, oh.
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that that even bothered
you. That didn't seem to bother you before. Well,
again, A, we weren't living together. We weren't
married, doing all of the things. So I didn't
know how you squeezed your toothpaste. Or I didn't
know that, oh, you don't close the lid on the
toilet bowl. And could you do this for me? Because
this just helps. And I am speaking out of my
space because that is. was my thing. That was
the conversation we had. Yeah. I was like, would
you mind closing the toilet seat and the bowl
or the lid for me? And it's like, okay. And I
said, you know what? It just looks nicer and
it doesn't have all the weird germs and the things.
Yeah. No problem. Yeah. And it's like, cause
ultimately I didn't care. You didn't care. And
it was like, and I think too many times it's
like nine out of 10 times your person probably
is not going to care. Yes. You know? And if it's
something that is very. It's just ingrained in
them. Number one, it's going to take a second
to break a habit. Or number two, this may be
something that they just go, this is just honestly
who I am and it shouldn't be that big of a deal.
It's like I would almost say start with not even
so much the things that get on your nerves or
bother you, whatever. Even just if it's something
like asking in a polite and respectful way of,
why do you do that? You know, without being weird.
Hey, can you explain why do you fold your shirts
like this? Maybe that was our first conversation.
It was several of our first conversations. Why
do you do that? What possessed you? You know,
but it is. I think, A, you need to sometimes
have the conversation of why do you do this or
why is this? But also, for some of these things,
hey is this important to you that's good you
know like the toilet lid yeah it's like oh this
you care about this yeah i don't yeah i could
do this yes yeah you know it's like it's not
a thing in my world right you know i mean you've
you've been to my parents house it is it is not
a thing that i grew up with no no but i love
how funny side note since you said that yeah
i love that Since that is a thing in our world,
it has bled over and it's become a thing in your
parents' world. Is it? Yeah, because I will walk
in and that toilet, all the lids are... I was
just there yesterday cleaning. Everybody's toilet,
except the downstairs downstairs one, all the
toilets were closed. Nice. And they bought soft
closing toilet seats. Because that's what it
is in our world. And they were tired of hearing
their grandson slam the toilet seats. Because
that's what we do. And our children do that.
You close the toilet seat. That's just what you
do. But it is. But it does. I think that's a
big part of it. Is this important to you? Again,
another one of our favorite examples is my shirts,
my t -shirts. It's like, it's enough important
to me. Will the world end if it doesn't happen?
No, not at all. It is not that life or death
changing important to me. Right. But it's a preference.
Yeah. And it's like, yeah, I have no problem
doing this. Yeah. And it's enough of an importance
to you to where you want to do it. If it doesn't
get done the way that you like it to be done,
you'll just redo it and get it done yourself.
And that's not you trying to be slighted with
me, not trying to be rude. It's just like, this
is important to me, baby. See, I'm having a struggle.
I mean, we've talked about this before. My hands
don't do that. I literally, my mind is backwards
on this. I can't do that. um another thing that
I know that like even conversations that our
daughter has had in in past and even for future
spouse like Well, Mom, there's some things that
I don't want to have to explain, like why she
will have a certain pillowcase because of the
texture of her hair, things like that. Well,
I'd rather not have that conversation. I'd rather
have somebody know. And in my mind, I'm thinking,
sweetheart, even if somebody has the same textured
hair as you or comes from the same similar background
as you, it's not a guarantee that somebody's
going to know. Military background, it's not
a guarantee that somebody's going to. to know
you know it it's it's having you keep saying
it why why is this important to you yeah why
why do you deem this something that that seems
to bother you if it doesn't get done a certain
way yeah why is this and it's like if we if we
just take the time to understand a regardless
of somebody's background their culture their
history even female their gender whatever the
fact is that this is you know well that should
be important to you no it's not i'm a person
i'm an individual you know i'm not i'm not just
this one thing yeah and i think when we come
into that space and give people people license
and permission to to ask questions to be able
to say oh, I didn't know that, or, well, that
might be important to you, but not to me, you
know, to give them permission to be who they're
created to be or who they are, then I think that's
when you get to come into the world of compromise
and learning. Like, babe, why do you do this?
Oh, well, I do this because this is how I was
taught in the military. Okay, well, I have enough
military people in my family to know that that's
not always the case. I do not believe that my
brother does stuff like that. My brother, according
to my sister -in -law, and I'm not throwing you
under the bus, Bobby, I'm really not, but it's
like, according to my sister -in -law, my brother
doesn't even do laundry, so it's like any part
of it, and that's their dance, and that's cool
with them, but in my mind, I'm like, it's a preference.
It's a personal preference. Because I think also
I want to kind of come back to like some things
that I know I started to steer away from it.
But it's like I almost want to go back to, you
know, behaviors, personalities, stuff like that.
And it's like, you know, if this isn't something
that you think you'll get along with. Come on.
if this is something that it's like it really,
you know, and this is why, you know, when we've
had conversations with, with young people that
have come into our, our sphere of influence and
they're like, you know, and we talk about, you
know, go ahead and, and work out your, your list
of like expectations, your list of standards,
you know, don't list. My perfect spouse will
look like this and talk like this and do this
for a job and earn this much money. It's like,
no, no. Set the expectations of how you want
them to act, how you want them to treat you,
their character, stuff like that. Because at
the end of the day, that's the stuff that really
matters. That's the stuff that's going to get
you through the day -to -day. And if they don't
have those things when you're courting, when
you're dating. When you're engaged. It's like.
Are you sure you want to be with this person.
If they don't have. If they're not up to your
standards. Or they're not. They don't have the
kind of character. That you want them to have.
Are you sure you want to spend your life. With
this person. Thinking well I can change them.
Or I'm sure they'll change. Once we get married.
It's like they won't. Or even if I just give
them enough time. Right. In some case scenarios,
I would say, yes, there's time. Okay. When you
and I got married, I had my own little cleaning
business and I was working at a news station.
You were a full -time college student. Yes. You
did bring something to the party. You weren't
just a deadbeat person at all. You weren't. You
were working towards something. Yeah. Right.
But to have that understanding of even the conversations
of, hey, babe. Where do you see yourself in the
next five years? Yeah. What's your goal? What
is it that you desire right now? Not like you
have to have your whole life planned out, but
what is it ultimately? What direction do you
want to go in? Yeah. Where are you trying to
go eventually? Or where would you like to land?
And I think when you have character and you walk
in integrity and you're consistent. Yeah. in
certain spaces, potentially in, in like the,
the spaces that really matter. Like, you know,
you are somebody that you're, you're a person
of your word. What you say, you do, you do, you
say, okay. Um, you, you did not have a job, but
you came and you worked with me and we, we got
things taken care of and we built a business.
You helped build that business with me too. Right.
And do the things. And it's like to see the potential.
I know that we've said don't marry the potential
of the person, but when you see what this person
is capable, there we go, what they're capable
of doing based off of what they've already done,
not what you think that they're capable, what
their potential is to do. I think maybe there's
a difference there. Well, I think also it's,
in my mind, what it sounds like you're trying
to say is it's almost like you recognize the
character. Yeah. And it wasn't the potential
of, oh my gosh, if I marry him, one day he'll
make six figures or one day he'll have this kind
of job or we'll have this kind of house. But
it was, you saw the character, you saw the work
ethic, you saw the willingness to get dirty and
do the work. So it's like, okay, if he does this
now, when we're not pulling in a whole ton of
money, this is the kind of character. That's
going to get us through those lean times. The
hard times. The hard times. Yeah. For sicker,
for poorer. Yep. The cold nights. We've been
through all of them. All of them. You know. Yeah.
So I think that's kind of what you were getting
at. Yeah. Like I said, that's what I heard. Yeah.
Because if you're somebody that feels like you
have to harp on this person in order to get things
done. Yes. Um, and in it, there's a difference
between a babe. Would you mind helping me around
the house a little bit? Yeah, sure. Or they see
that I'm my favorite scenario, right? At the
very beginning, like I'm vacuuming around you,
I'm cleaning around you and you're just, you're
sitting, you're, I think you were watching TV
or playing a game or something and you're just,
you weren't doing anything. You're just, you
weren't doing anything. And I was like, just.
increasingly getting more and more angry as opposed
to just, could you help me? Would you, would
you mind helping me? Yeah. What would you, what
do you need? Not realizing, you know, like there's
a difference between realizing and understanding
because it's like, I feel like I'm throwing you
under the bus. That's fine. That's fine. No,
no, no. But it's just a good, it's a good example
because it's like, I had a cleaning business.
You did not come from a family that, that. That
wasn't a high priority. That is not a high. I
think that's a good way of saying that. Yeah.
Because they're not filthy. No. Like nobody in
your house is filthy. Yeah. It's just, it's,
oh, okay. Like. And, and I'll, I'll say I grew
up on the weekends, like one day of the weekend.
That's when my mom would clean the house. Yeah.
It was just my mom. So it wasn't taught. Right.
Yes, my sister and I were told to make sure our
rooms were picked up so they weren't a total
pigsty. Hey, at least make sure I have a path
from the door to your bed. Okay, cool. There
will be a path. I was the same kid. I get it.
But it was my mom that cleaned the house. It
wasn't, hey, we're all going to get together
and clean the house. My mom would put on her
ABBA or her carpenter's record and she would
clean the house. She would water the plants and
that's what she did. That would be either Saturday
afternoon or Sunday afternoon. That was it. Here
I am, an adult now, and that's not where my brain
goes. My brain doesn't go, oh, it's Saturday,
it's time to clean the house. It was never taught.
Right. And so I think that that's the whole point,
right? Like we stand back and we want to look
at some of our listeners and say, find out these
answers to these questions. You know, like, is
this who, hey, just out of randomness, when you
guys cleaned the house when you were growing
up, what do you mean we? My mom is the one that
did it. Right. Oh, see, that should tell you
everything, right? Like those things. Our house
was, I cleaned the house when I was a kid growing
up. I was the one that cleaned it, and my mom
and my dad would be the ones that would be outside
doing the lawn. Okay, yeah. And so it's like
after I finally got broken of having an atrocious
room and everything. So funny. My room was always
trashed, but the rest of the house, everything
had its space and place. But it's one of those
things where... have these conversations. And
if that is not something that is high priority
for your spouse, don't expect it to become a
high priority. If it's something that you see
like, okay, you know what? This isn't your forte.
This is not something that you're good at. You
don't seem to have an anointing for doing this
particular project. Yeah. But you know what?
If, if you could just come and you could be in
this space with me or if you could just help
me in. Okay. So you don't want to clean the house.
Could you at least put your socks in the laundry
basket? Could you, could you at least do you
like to do the lawn? Sweet. Can you go do mow
the lawn for me? Kind of, you know, just. And
I know that we keep hitting the same things because
in my mind I'm struggling to even find out what
other things would be. But it is that simple.
It is. And before you go too far down the train
and then loops. Sorry. I think part of it, though,
is, you know, again, that recognizing of, well,
that's not how I am. And so I had a conversation
with a couple of people and it was the, oh, my,
you know, my spouse, you know, I've tried to
do the, I've asked them to do this. And it becomes
the, well, I asked them, I vocally asked them.
And then I, a few days later, I text them a reminder
or I write them a note and then I text them a
reminder. And if, you know, a week and a half,
two weeks later, if it's still not done, then
I just do it. And it's like, I think that needs
to be a conversation. Yes. Because something's
not clicking in one or both of you. Because what
was that one couple? Phenomenal. You know which
ones I'm talking about. And she said, when you
ask your spouse to do something, you need to
follow up with, could you get this done for me
within such and such amount of time? And I think
also, yes, you know, not necessarily give like,
you know, here's the schedule. But again, you
know, hey. This is kind of pressing on my brain.
Could you? Could you get this done by the weekend
because we've got something coming up? Yes. You
know, hey, we're planning a 50th birthday party.
Hey. Can we make sure that this gets done beforehand?
Right. Sure. Let's do this. Right. But I think
also because I thought of another couple that
we had a conversation with. And it was the, what
are you doing or what are they doing when you
ask them to do something or ask them for help?
That's good. Because if you're just in the same
room together and you say, hey, can you get this
done for me? Right. You know, hey, babe, can
you do this? Yeah. You know, if I don't, I'm
notorious because I do not have the best ears.
So we have had several conversations. And you
have a soft -spoken wife. I have a very soft
-spoken wife. I grew up in a loud household.
I played a lot of loud music, and I worked around
a lot of loud jets. And that's why Jesus is Lord.
That's why Jesus is Lord. Amen. Shout out from
the rooftops. But there are times if you don't...
Like if you don't get my attention first and
like, yeah, it's like, get my face, look me in
the eyes and okay, now we start the conversation.
Yeah. You know, because it, how many times it's
like, you know, I had a conversation with somebody
and he, you know, he was like, my, my wife thinks
that I'm ignoring her because I didn't listen
when she said this and she said it, we were in
the same room together, but she did. She didn't
say it directly to me. Right. So I didn't realize
she was talking to me. And now. Because there
was another person. Right. Because there was
another person in the room. And so he's like,
now I'm the bad guy because I apparently don't
remember that she said this. Right. And it's
like, yeah. I was like, unless you just have
the conversation of, hey, grab my attention.
Yeah. Yeah. Say my name. Say my name. Yeah. Because,
I mean, especially. I mean, I know women can
do it too, but I know guys are more famous for
it. Guys are really good at just zoning out.
It's a gift. Yeah. I've determined that it is
a gift. And I think that, whew, that's a whole
other topic in itself. Just the... the differences
of how we communicate, the way that we go about
things, the way that we're wired even. I know
that there was that one comedian, Christian comedian
guy, talking about how you guys can compartmentalize
your thoughts where ours are high. Hardwired.
Interconnected. And it looks like something a
cat coughed up. Or like a bowl of spaghetti.
Yeah. Like it's just everything is interwoven.
That's why it's so easy for us to start telling
you a story, but then veer off and tell you 14
other subject matters. Or you start the story
in act two. In act two. We have no intro. that's
it right like you oh babe and so and this is
what happened it's like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
what happened i missed the and after that what
we'll do is we'll go to the store what and and
i think are there exceptions to the rules absolutely
absolutely but majority rules on this one that
this is how men and women think and and you've
just got You just have to stop insisting that
your spouse be you. Yeah. Like, like I think
that part is what I want to shout from the rooftops
because it's like, I'll get nailed. I'll just,
I'll, I will. send this the sweetest post i think
something just something so simplistic and i
will get hammered against the wall usually by
the wives because it's like oh well you know
if they if if if my spouse if they're going to
put in the same amount of effort then i'll do
and i'm like oh honey like that's not the word
of god that's not what it says because here's
even you see where i have something pulled up
this is what's pulling up whenever you scared
me So 1 Peter 3, and it's talking about, hold
on, let's see. It's talking about husbands and
wives, right? And it's like, maybe is this the
right one? This may not be the right one. We
need to find it later. We're going to find it
later. But the scripture that I'm talking about
is where it's talking about the wife. being able
to win over her husband that is not a Christian,
that doesn't believe in God. And the way that
she does it is not harp about Jesus and not harp
about who he is. She serves him. Yeah. She lavishes
her love upon him. She's a good and a faithful
and amazing wife. We're not talking about like
a doormat, but we're talking about somebody that
just exudes and exemplifies the character of
Christ. Yeah. Living out loud. She lives this
out loud in front of him. And he's like, kind
of like you with Tyler, right? Yeah. Next door
neighbor. I don't know what it is that's so different
about you, but I want whatever it is that you
have. Yeah. Like, when we live our lives in such
a simplistic manner where we're serving each
other, that we're not taking care of each other
based off of what we can get out of the deal.
We genuinely love this person enough to where,
I just want to take care of you. I just want
to, what's going to make you happy today? Yeah.
Right? Like, what can I do to make your life
easier? And it's like. And insisting that that
person thinks like you, acts like you, talks
like you, responds like you, has the same mental
capacity and the same thought process as you.
Dear God, why did you get married? Yeah. Like,
why would you do that? You're narcissistic at
that point in my mind because like you might
as well just have married you. You're looking
for somebody that is like you. And you know why?
Because that's easy. And guess what? Marriage
isn't easy. The beautiful thing about marriage
is you get to go into this covenant relationship
with a person that has different thought processes,
that has a different, like, just way of going
about life and seeing things perspective -wise.
And instead of insisting that they see things
from your lens, you need to, you have been gifted.
this this amazing ability to now see life through
a different point of view with somebody that
you know that loves you that you love there's
nothing cooler yeah oh yeah there's genuinely
nothing cooler and if you insist that this person
comes along and does the same things and responds
the same way and all of this stuff We all like
the same food. We all like the same restaurants.
We all like the same movies. We all like the
same books. See, that sounds incredibly boring
to me. Incredibly boring to me. As much as I
say that now, at the beginning where I'm going,
dear God, we have nothing in common. And I was
genuine about it. I don't think it was more so
like, dear God, we have nothing in common. But
I think it was honestly more of me standing back
going, do I even have anything to bring to the
table? I feel very... Out of sorts here. Babe,
when you and I first got together and you're
showing me how incredibly... What am I trying
to say? How I came from a world that valued book
smarts. All the things. Yeah. And I'm... Why
am I about to cry? I literally stood back and
said, what do I have to bring to the table? Yeah.
And I think that that might just, that just might've
hit one of our listeners. See, because all of
a sudden you go, what is it that I have to even
bring to the table? Like I inadvertently, whether
you realize it or not, it's like, you're not
trying to, but subconsciously somehow it's like,
if I could just bring this person back down to
this kind of level, then I won't feel so inferior
or I won't feel so. out of place or it may, or
it won't stretch me as much. Yeah. I'll stay
comfortable. There it is. In where I am. Yeah.
Like all of the above. Yeah. Because it wasn't
so much that I wasn't wanting to grow with you.
My thing was, I genuinely didn't think that I
brought something else to the table for you.
Yeah. Because in my mind, you had, you were so
cultured in so many different spaces and places
that I'm like, I'm just a little girl from Missouri.
How can I stretch him? Oh, look, look what I
did. Look what God did. And I think, too, it's,
you know, kind of part of that is, you know,
yes, they do. They always say opposites attract
and so on and so forth. And, you know, if you're
not the same person, you always have something
new to discover and all that. But I think also
there's that fear of what if we're two opposite?
What if we really have nothing in common? Yeah.
You know, and, you know, people can work it out.
Absolutely. I've seen several success stories.
Yeah. Of people that are complete total polar
opposites. Yeah. And they have an amazingly successful
marriage. I immediately flashed to, back when
I was at the news station, there were two journalists.
Yeah. One was hardcore Republican. One was hardcore
Democrat. Yeah. And they were. happily married
yeah and they learned how to do this they learned
to put their politics aside and they're just
who they were yeah but they also brought things
to the table for each other and said have you
considered this yeah have you considered that
i think that's a big portion of it yeah is because
when you and i first sat down at the table wish
we had video like i really do wish we had like
yeah videoed that because it was it wasn't a
When I genuinely say, because I did, what possessed
you to do that? It wasn't me trying to. tear
you down. It was me trying to understand what
frame of mind were you in when this happened?
Where were you in your walk? Not even your walk
with Jesus, because you were a brand new Christian,
but just your walk in life. Where were you in
that space? And are you going to go back there
even though you've got Jesus? That part, right?
While you were making these decisions, what provoked
this? to come to the forefront, to the scene.
Because it's the same with me. Like, you have
never really flat out asked me. I'm the one that
will come to you and go, babe, listen to the
revelation of why I did some of the stupid stuff
that I did. Dear God, babe, babe, ooh, babe,
let me tell you why. I was such a jerk. Let me
tell, you know. I've got a banner for you. Check
it out. Read this banner. Look. I was this because
of this, you know, but it's, it's like, I think
that that's, what's so cool. Cause you get to
like, start spinning it, spinning it in a way
to where it's like, when you're looking at this
person, you go, I get to learn something different.
Not just about you, but I get to learn something
different about life. And you're a child of God.
You're created in the image of God. I get to
find out something different about God because
you get to hold a piece of the puzzle that I
may not even have. Like, stop. stop like i understand
the the birds of the feather want to flock together
and i understand that sometimes it's just easier
because you're like oh man we got all this history
sometimes like i even heard like people say you
know from this generation here and age wise and
just these are your people and these are your
people over here because based off the music
genre and the way that you've been raised and
grown up and stuff and i want to go no that's
cool yeah are you going to bridge the gap right
Are you going to take the next step to bridge
the great divide? And that just might happen
to be your spouse. Yeah. Or if it may not be
your spouse, that might happen to be your in
-laws. Or even if you are the same generation.
Yeah. The fact that y 'all are two different
personalities. Yeah. From two different sects
of the place, of the planet. I was raised over
here. I was raised in Texas. Yeah. You were raised
over in Nebraska. Yes. Like, that's... As much
as people go, well, it's not much different.
Oh, it's a lot different. A lot different. And
I'm not even a Nebraskan. You're not a Nebraskan.
You're a Virginian. Yeah. But you're an Air Force
kid. As a baby, baby. You're like an Air Force
kid. Yeah. You're actually European. I am. You
are UK all the way. I really am. And that in
itself. Is a trip. It's a trip. We're not even
on the same continent at that point, maybe. But
people make it work all the time. They do. They
do. People make it work all the time. I want
to teach this to our family, to our friends,
to our children. Stop running after the things
that are easy. Stop insisting that things...
constantly be easy. And stop thinking that as
soon as you get married all things are going
to fall into place. Like that part. You get to
spend the rest of your days growing and learning
this person. And whether this is a thing of you're
in a marriage or in a relationship or this is
your friendships. Even the people that God has
placed in your life to do life with. You get
to literally stand back and just go, I get to
learn something different about you. I get to
learn something even different about me based
off of how I respond to you and how I see this.
Because it's like, at my birthday, everybody
was so kind and said so many beautifully amazing
things, right? And I'm standing there and I'd
even said it. I was like, you guys helped make
me, me. Because it's like, I think of Heather
and Marsha in particular when it comes to people
that I encounter and women that might be going
through certain parts of their life or certain
journeys that are similar to some of my best
friends. And I can, because of who they are and
the relationship that I have with them and the
relationship that I know that God has with them,
that they are able. I'm able to look at this
person that's standing in front of me and be
able to, without a shadow of a doubt, say, I
absolutely know what God is capable of. Yeah.
Because have you met my friend? Yeah. Because
it's possible, right? And it's like having a
greater understanding of your spouse and looking
at your spouse and saying, oh, I recognize this
personality because this is my husband. Yeah.
Okay, so that means I'm going to use the tools
that I know to use in how I can communicate with
him in an effective, respectful manner. I can
now use these tools to help hopefully, respectfully,
and effectively communicate with this person.
Because you have told me you have people at your
work that you go, yeah, it's just like you, babe.
Yeah. This person is you. Yeah. And now you know
how to communicate. Yeah. As opposed to, why
are you an idiot? Yeah. Or, hey, there's this
person at work that reminds me a whole lot of
this person that we know at church. That's it.
That can rub people the wrong way. Come on. If
X, Y, and Z happen. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like,
okay. Well, once you learn to talk that language
and you know, okay. oh, he's not really a jerk.
He's just a jerk to people that are pretentious
and conceited and think they know everything
even though they don't. Oh, okay. If you actually
go up to him and say, hey, I want to learn and
I genuinely want to learn, I want to know. Oh,
they're the kindest person in the world. Oh,
sweet. Cool. Yep. Yep. Shout out. Yep. That's
it. But that's it. It is. It's that space. And
so it's no changing. Yeah. No changing. Like
I like that. Yeah. It is. It's a no changing.
It's stepping into the arena with this person
and saying, if there is something that needs
to be taken care of and there needs to be something
that needs to be addressed, we understand those
kind of things. Yeah. Right? But do it out of
a spirit of humility, out of a heart of love,
and out of... An attitude of, hey, we are going
to make it to the other side. Yeah. It just may
not look the way that I think it is. So what
way can I help better serve you to make this
better? Yeah. That's what it is. That's what
it's about. Yep. I love that. That's good. Is
that good? Yeah, I think so. I love that. You
keep yawning. I'll just call it out. You keep
yawning. Yeah, I do. I do keep yawning. I do.
It's been a big day. It has been a big day. It's
been a big week. It's been a big month. I know.
We're still starting off of May. Yeah. Because
it did. It started at the beginning of May. Yeah.
End of April. The very end of April. Dang. Yeah.
We've just been running. It feels like we've
just been running so hard for the past like 45
days. Yeah. I mean, some of it's been good. I
mean, yes, we went to a funeral. That was not
good. We went to a funeral. We went to a wedding.
Yeah. The wedding was good. Wedding was good.
We had a birthday. Yeah. Celebrated Mother's
Day. Two birthdays. Two birthdays we did. Yeah.
Celebrated our anniversary. Celebrated our anniversary.
I was like, there's one more thing. Quiet celebration.
Yep. it was a quiet it was the end of school
you subbed for almost two weeks straight yeah
changing job positions yeah or job duties yeah
yeah it's I'm telling you the past 45 days got
a new car I mean this is and it is it's like
you're like okay our friends are like you know
waiting for the the gun to go off and I'm thinking
listen guys it went off 90 days ago, like we've
been nonstop and it doesn't seem to be letting
up anytime soon. And that's okay. It is okay.
I think, I think what's happening at this point,
and it was really sweet because today you and
I, when we went to the grocery store and literally
we're doing this, the paired app and answering
the same questions. basically the same way with
the same answers and just turning and looking
at each other and going, the fact that we recognize
it is, is massive. Now it's time to put ourselves
on a schedule, actually write these things down,
get it out on paper. And then I think once it
gets out of our heads and actually out onto whatever,
I think things will, Become a little less noisy.
What hit me. Yeah. Was we're learning a new stride.
We're learning a new pace. I like that. Yeah.
The stamina. Yeah. Yeah. Growing our stamina.
Yeah. It's like, okay, this was your stride.
This was your pace. Okay. It's time to, it's
time to change things up and increase it. Yeah.
So. We should go take a nap first before we do
that, though. Yeah. I would appreciate that.
Okay. All right, guys. Have the best week. Enjoy
the journey.