Hello and welcome back to another episode of
Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na. Hey
babe. Hey babe. How's it going? It's good. How
are you? I'm good. I got new sneakers. You did
get new sneakers. I'm excited about my new sneakers.
They look good. I took pictures. Yes. And I sent
them to Heather and Marsha. Nice. And I captioned
it with, ask me if I can run fast. Because listen,
I've heard this before and it's so true. It's
very true. It's so true. Like when an adult gets
a new pair of tennis shoes, nobody ever asks
them if they can run fast. Nope. Little kids,
can you run fast in those? Oh, watch me. And
then they like start like peeling out and doing
all the things. And so. And they do like the
Wile E. Coyote. Yes. Yep. And that's just. And
then they don't go very fast. But the fact is
that they look like they're trying to do something.
That is what I plan on doing after a while. Yeah.
I'm going to give these things a... But then
I also said they might be like half a size too
small. Yeah. But we'll see. But they're made
by... You found out. You went and looked. It's
a husband and wife team. Yeah. Which I thought
was really, really cool. Did not know that whenever
I ordered them. Ordered them off of Amazon. Genuinely,
because they are fun looking. They are fun looking.
And you who has gray scaled your phone now to
where you don't see any color. Yes. So frustrating.
Hey, babe, look at this. I'm like. Please no.
I don't want to. Just forward it to me. I don't
want to. Just so I can see it for myself in color.
Just forward it to me from two feet away. That's
right. That's right. You did not know what the
color was until I opened the box and you go,
those are fun. It's white and orange. And what
color green would you say that is? I mean, I
think almost like a teal, almost turquoise, like
a light turquoise maybe. And then like little
black racing stripes. Yeah. So I'm excited. They
look good. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, you found out
it was from a husband and they literally started
it out of their garage. Yeah. Which is so cool.
So look at me supporting. I don't know where
they are. Do they say where they were from? No.
Okay. We'll have to go look. Yeah. See if I can
follow them somewhere. Give them a shout out.
Take a picture of my tinnies. Yes. Me running
fast or attempting to. Or me strolling casually
on the treadmill and just being like. These are
fantastic. Yeah. But they are comfortable. Very
comfortable. They're called what? Like cloud
platform or something like that. I'll go look.
Yeah. Because I got it through Amazon. Yes. I
think I said that already, right? You did. I
did. About three times now. Okay. So I got these
through Amazon. They are not sponsoring us. Nope.
They have not sponsored our content. We are getting
zero money from them. Babe, that would be. One
day. That would be epic. Hey, if anybody wants
to sponsor us and have, you know. We will gladly
do mid -roll ads. I will shout out for you all
day long. Project Cloud Shoes. Project Cloud.
Yep. And. That's close. Yeah. It does not, on
this, not that I can see. It's not like it's,
I see that it's from a husband and wife. But
they've got, like, several different colors.
Yeah. And, yeah. Just cool. lightweight canvas
sneakers blah blah blah blah blah blah sorry
i'm gonna stop memory full foam inside that's
why it feels nice so anyway i'll report back
i'll let y 'all know yes let you know what's
going on hey what's going on what are we doing
we're recording we are recording do you know
what's coming up in april i do know what's coming
up what's happening we are going to be doing
a four week kind of marrieds class. Anybody that's
in the KC area, if you listen to us, I'm going
to assume you're a fan. Thank you. But we are
going to be doing a four -week marriage class
on Tuesdays starting April 8th at 6 .30 p .m.
Yes. Out of our church, 9900 View High Drive.
Yes. So if you're interested, like I said, we're
going to be talking about marriage stuff. We're
calling it Marriage Supplements. Yes. Kind of
a spinoff of our Taking Your Vitamins book that
we wrote, and then also Enjoying the Journey.
We've got our devotional out now, an eight -week
devotional. And we're going to be pulling from
some of those things, but more than anything,
I think we're actually going to... What did we
say today? Because you and I have had the opportunity
to be just hanging today together. Yes. It was
like a lot of our friends that know us, that
know our story, that know who we are, are going
to come, which we appreciate. They're going to
support us in all the things. We want everybody
to come with open ears, with new ears and no
expectations. Because even if you feel like you
might have heard this before or heard some of
it before, because we're coming with what we
believe is some fresh stuff. But it's like you,
yourself, you and your partner, you and your
family, whatever it is going on in your life,
you are probably like us in a new season. And
even if you know things like from back here,
you need to hear them in a different way, different
perspective, because it might help. That might
be the very thing that helps carry you into the
new season. Yeah. And I would say even for the
people that don't, you know, that don't listen
to a lot of our podcasts, you know, a lot of
the episodes and people that haven't read the
book. And, you know, I think it's just the fact
that it's like, well, it's just Luke and Dina.
I know them. I know what they're going to say.
This will be fun. It's like not necessarily.
I mean, yes, I know it'll be fun. Yes. I know
it's also. We're going to introduce some hard
things and get people to think and really do
that critical thinking of, oh man, it hit me
all of a sudden. One time I was watching, I saw
an interview and these gentlemen were interviewing
this woman and they're asking her about her marriage
and so on and so forth. And the final question
was like, is your husband happy? And she like
blanked. And she's like, well, usually everybody
asks me if I'm happy. And they're like, yeah,
but we're changing it up. We're doing it a little
different. Is your husband happy? Wow. And it
was like she couldn't answer. Oh, wow. And she
not broke down, but she got defensive and angry.
Like, how dare you ask me? Wow. Because that's
not what you're supposed to ask me. You're supposed
to ask me if I'm happy. And I was like, oh, that
took a weird turn. Not that we're going to challenge
people like that. I mean, we are to a point.
To a point, yes. But yeah, it's definitely going
to... We always want to encourage people to take
a serious look at their relationships. Absolutely.
To take a serious look at their marriage. Like,
where are you? Where are you? What are you doing?
It's like, I know we've talked about it before.
We do this. Um, we have an app on our phones
and it's like every, every morning it asks us
a question and sometimes it's silly and sometimes
it like really doesn't apply to us. Um, you know,
sometimes it's like super quick, you know, like
this morning was, you know, how would you feel
if your, you know, if your partner grabbed, you
know, started grabbing, you know, taking your
phone and started looking through it. It's like,
okay, here you go. And I mean, you can have my
phone, just not my sandwich. Right. And then
I'll give you the rest of mine. Right. You know,
but sometimes it really gets you thinking like,
you know, like, you know, hey, when was the last
time you talked about, you know, your five -year
plan type question? And it's like, oh. Yeah.
You know, and yes, it's not, it doesn't have
a Christian spin to it. It's, you know, some
of it is worldly. Yeah. And we kind of like skim
over those questions. But, you know, we do, we
want to ask those questions of. You know, take
that hard, you know, take a deep breath. Take
that hard look at your marriage. And how are
we? You know, take that critical self -assessment,
so to speak. And just, yeah, but that's what
we're going to bring. I mean, that's what we
always hope to bring at least a degree of, even
in these episodes. But, you know, when we sit
down and talk to people, you know, a lot of you
listening, you know that we're... starting this
journey out with firm footing, um, with our coaching.
And so it's like, you know, we want to have those
kinds of conversations with people and we want
to not really us have those conversations with
people, but we want to encourage them to have
the conversations with each other that, you know,
okay, cool. You're married now. I see you're,
you're not quite hitting your stride yet. Right.
Did you two ever have a conversation of, here's
what I think marriage should look like? Did you
have that? Was that covered during premarital
counseling? Right. Did you have premarital counseling?
Did you have premarital counseling? Yeah. So
it's stuff like that. It's like, let's take a
serious look at what's going on and where you're
at and where do you honestly want to be? Yeah.
Because when you said, you saw me frantically
typing something. Taking notes. Yeah. So when
you said, what is your five -year plan? And this
isn't even what we're going to be talking about
today. But this is kind of just a side note.
Here's your nugget for the day or your bonus
track. Here's us teeing up our four -week talk.
When you're talking about, like, you're five
or what's your tenure, right? Okay, well, me
and my spouse, like, no, like, totally, we're
on the same page. We want the same things. We
have the same goals. We have the same dreams.
Okay, cool. What are you guys doing together
that is cultivating that on a daily, though?
Like, what are you doing to make that dream a
reality? And it could be, like, okay, ultimately,
we talk about, like, creating a family legacy
and a family inheritance and family business
and all of the things in our lives. Right. Just
we, we can see where, um, we can create that,
that, um, what is it? The generational wealth.
Right. So we talk about these things. Okay. That's
great. But like, what if you have a spin thrift
and then you have that one that just pinches
all the pennies and then you can't get on the
same page and then you have the frustration because
like, It's those kind of deep sea, I call them
deep sea diving talks that you have to have because
unknowingly somebody could be potentially sabotaging
what it is that ultimately you want to do or
how you think it needs to go. You know, like
you and I. We're constantly creating, like right
now we're working on the website and we're doing
all of the things and just the behind the scenes
stuff that just is eventually going to give us
the traction of the stuff that we want to do.
Yes. Okay. But if I don't take the time to set
time aside and say, I'm going to, even if it's
for an hour or two hours, you who is out of the
house working five days a week. You could very
well have a plan in your brain going, well, babe,
I'm the one that's out here grinding away and
you're not doing anything or you're not putting
in the time and the effort. And you see what
I'm saying? That could create a riff. What is
the word I'm wanting to say? Somebody's going
to eventually become very bitter. to somebody
else and maybe not even being completely aware
of it but I know that if these conversations
aren't talked about we talk about these things
probably not quite to that extent but just like
there's days where I will be home and not subbing
or I won't be out of the house doing something
and I will like text you the laundry list of
the things that I have accomplished for the day
and I've done this stuff. And it's like, you
don't ever make me feel that way, but it's, Hey,
I want to let you know that I am, I am on a mission.
I'm in this with you. I may not be making physical
coin, but I'm creating an atmosphere and a space.
You know what I mean? And it's like, I think
if we allow ourselves to get into each other's
heads, am I making sense? I think so. You know
what I mean? I think so. Not just for us, but
just I think those unspoken expectations of what,
hey, could you maybe work on this? Hey, what
are your thoughts? Hey, how's that website going?
How's that project going? And I think sometimes
it's also, even if you have a common goal in
mind, even if you have a common, you know, like,
okay, we are going to build and publish a website.
Right. So that we can start getting more public
about our coaching business. Right. Okay. You
might, when I say that out loud, you might have
in your mind, these are the steps I need to take
to accomplish that goal. I might say, my steps
might be completely different. Or all of a sudden
it's like, I mean, we've seen this in the past,
even with the podcasting and the equipment and
stuff. It's like my brain will go to, not necessarily
we need to have top of the line, but... it's
like my brain will already go in the steps of
okay if we get this stuff now we can upgrade
this piece and then we can upgrade this piece
and it's like i've already i've i've already
equipped the studio with thousand dollar cameras
right and right five hundred dollar mics and
and top of the line and and all the stuff we
do not have that right now i want to make that
very clear yes um but it's like i've i've worked
on it in my mind so far that it's like okay i
can scale this i can i can build an upgrade and
we don't have to drop all the money right away
but i've planned out all the steps right And
it's like you might look at it and say, okay,
well, I can plan to get like the $100 mics. And
again, that's not bad. It's not one is better
than the other. It's not one is right, one is
wrong. It's just difference of if we don't have
that communication and that talk of what does
our plan look like. Kind of like what was a couple
years ago, my favorite thing is. You know, we
know where we want to end up on this road trip,
on this family vacation. Right. How do we get
there? Right. You know? Right. And it's like
if we don't have the conversation of how are
we getting there, what route are we taking, it
can look very frustrating to the other person.
Right. Right. Right. And that's where you need
to have that constant. communication as far as
that is concerned as far as and i think that
that's you said it really well you kind of broke
it down from your side of it yeah That even when
we think differently, we have the same goal,
we have the same end game, but we're going to
probably go about it differently. And when you
have that conversation of what is it that you
see? Okay, you see the equipment. Okay, I immediately
had the whole studio designed. What kind of fabric?
What kind of chairs? What kind of, right? Those
things. And then it's like, okay, and then what
kind of social media are we doing? And when we
do do our counseling, or not the counseling,
but the coaching, when we do those things, what
are some of the tools and what kind of things
can we do to implement to get people talking?
What kind of furniture should we have set up?
That kind of thing. I mean, and you and I have
actually talked about this as far as the times
that we bring people into our home. Take them
downstairs to our workout room, hand each...
Each partner a slam ball and say, I want you
to slam this down and pick it back up and slam
it and pick it back up as much as you can until
you're exhausted. Okay, now I want you to sit
down. Now let's talk because you are way too
frustrated and you are way too wound up. We need
to kind of get your walls back down. And it's
like. And having you being programmed in a certain
way, me being programmed in a certain way, the
way that God has designed both of us, and then
being able to respectfully, honorably... appreciate
and kind of just give each other the space and
the room as opposed to like man babe I didn't
even think about it that way or let's do it yeah
no I like the way you're going on that or you
know or hold on hold on we don't have our checkbook
doesn't say that we can do that but this is what
we can kind of think and then and then not expecting
the other person to see things completely from
our point of view, or even being able to think
from our point of view, because that's 99 .9
% of the time of the couples that we have encountered.
I see where they, they kind of are those whole
extremes and people go, Oh, you know, opposites
attract. And I'm like, they do. And I think kind
of rightfully so, because when you kind of bring
those two people together, not that they make
you complete, it just, I think it just creates
you to become kind of more of a rounded person.
Because I can see things from different point
of views now because of how you think. Like somebody
will encounter me and I go, oh, yeah, no, this
is how my husband speaks. I get this. I understand
your personality. And so instead of being maybe
potentially repelled from that or feeling...
Less than of that, I just go, no, I understand
now. Okay, this is what this person's trying
to say and this is what they're bringing to the
table. So now I know how to communicate with
them more effectively as opposed to feeling like
I'm speaking a foreign language. Right. So we
say all that to say. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Starting
April 8th. April 8th. Tuesday, April 8th. At
630. We're going to do four weeks. Yeah. Yeah.
It's going to be roughly an hour, hour and a
half maybe, depending on how in -depth we get.
Right now I'm planning an hour, but partly expecting
an hour and a half. I was going to say, yeah,
I don't anticipate us being longer than an hour
and a half. We're not going to keep people longer
than an hour and a half. I don't want it to be
more than an hour and a half. We've got lives.
People have lives. We want to be respectful.
I start getting cranky after 8 o 'clock. You
are true. You are right, sir. I do. It's true.
It's true. So, yeah, so if you guys... Would
love to join us. We would love to have you. And
it's not going to be just us talking at you,
kind of like this. We're not going to talk at
you. We want to have a conversation with you.
We want to have an opportunity. We want it to
be interactive. We really do. Yeah. I mean, we're
going to be driving it. Doing the majority of
it. We're going to drive it. We're going to,
yeah. But we do want some audience participation.
Oh, gosh. I think it's just more fun that way.
It really is. Because we're still learning, too.
I mean, that's one of the things that we tell
people all the time. We are not at all experts,
but we are here. Yes. And we're, oh, is she home?
Our girl's home? Yeah. Okay. Hi, Capri. All right.
So. What are we talking about today? Today we're
going to be talking about how many people are
in your marriage. Because this was something
that was brought up. You were having a conversation
with somebody and this was brought up. And it
kind of to a degree plays off of what we talked
about last episode with the echoes. Okay. Yeah.
Because we talked about that and that was really
good. Yeah. But this is kind of a different angle
of it. Yeah. Because of some of the things that
were brought up when you were having that conversation.
It really does bring a new light to the questions
of what is going on in your marriage. What is
your mindset? How did you get to your mindset?
Is this something that's potentially holding
you back from growing in your marriage? And that
can be a big one. But it's like, I don't know
how deep you want to go into details. Yeah. So
I was on the phone with one of my most amazing
people ever in the history of ever. And I won't,
that's as far as I'll go. And we were just talking.
We were talking about deep things, which I always
appreciate. I was literally just calling to talk
on this person, make sure that they were well
and everything was good in their world. And then
we got to talking about kind of generational
stuff, things that kind of hit you along the
way, growing, you know, telling them about what's
going on with us as far as worth, you know, the
relationship coaching and then they're doing
the marriage stuff. And so, again, what we talked
about just now does tie into kind of this conversation.
That's what even got this conversation kind of
going because it's like, how are you guys doing?
What's going on with you guys? And I said, and
I started crying a little bit when I was on the
phone with them because they have that ability
with me and we are very, very transparent. And
I said, I don't, I said, I think the reason why
I ask the questions that I do. is because I don't
want any residue of being critical or angry or
junk. I don't want affairs, adulteries, things
that have grown throughout the fabric of the
history of my family. And I don't want those
things to come near me. anymore because I've
gotten caught in that stuff and I but I but it
stops with me and you and so that way it doesn't
hit our children and then our children's children
and it doesn't hit our loved ones it doesn't
hit the people like that I'm talking to on the
phone and I'm not you know what I mean it's like
it doesn't hit the people that we encounter that
um and I said I I I believe with everything in
me that some of the things that have happened
over the years have very well been generational
or just ties that have been let in knowingly,
unknowingly, innocently, or they're a free will
participant of this, right? And they stopped
and they said, I would have to say. That in my
past, it wasn't just me and my spouse in the
marriage. There was a third party, and it was
somebody that they had been attached to physically,
spiritually, all of it. Soul tie is what it was,
a soul tie. And they said that it was actually
quite a chunk of what was happening with their
marriage. They had said once they saw that thing
getting cut and severed is when they started
seeing things blossom and starting to see things
grow. And I can absolutely, I want to slam my
hands on the desk, absolutely attest to this
because I know that this has happened with you
and I. When we were first married and... We would
even be intimate together, and I would just start
crying because I would start having flashbacks
of faces of people, right, while we're together.
And it's like it stops you from getting into
a space almost. And I would feel myself kind
of recoil from you because in my mind I'm thinking,
I want to be with you. But I'm scared if I keep
coming into this space with you, I'm going to
keep seeing these faces of other people that
don't need to be living there anymore, right?
And that is one of the questions that we want
to ask people, our audience, the people that
we're going to be encountering when we're talking
and just saying, how many people? are in your
marriage like how many people live there because
i i went even further with you that day when
um i i literally wrote it down while we're talking
while i'm talking to this person on the phone
and then i put the sticky in front of you and
you're like what is that you know and um yeah
but You know, it's like, okay, you, me, Jesus,
right? Like, you, me, God, you, me, Holy Spirit,
right? Okay, that's what it's supposed to be.
But then I even kind of went even farther, and
I was like, what does the Word of God say? Leave
and cleave, okay? How many people are in a marriage
with their spouse and their parent? How many
people are, you know, like, here's mom or dad,
or both. Oh, your face. Husband, wife, and kid.
Right? Yeah. Like how many people, because that
could have been you and me. Yeah. Like it was
almost you, kind of you and me for a small season.
Because it was, it's like, okay, wait a minute.
Which is like, it's a misjustice to that child
because now, number one, that's not how it was
designed. Right. Number two. You're giving this
child, especially if it is a stepchild, okay?
You now are giving this child more privilege
than what they should be having. And with their
sweet little, tiny little, beautiful minds developing,
even if it's an older, you know, their brains
are in a completely different space. Because
with our sweet brown -eyed girl, she was struggling
because she's like, I don't want to share my
mom. Like it was her and I for so long. And it's
like you do a misjustice to that child. You do
a misjustice to that relationship between the
child and the new parent. Because it's like you're
cutting off this respect. You're cutting off
a space of... authority yeah you're cutting off
this this space of being able to allow this this
person that you've brought into your life now
with your child you're you're not letting them
come in and be able to speak with the authority
with the the decisions with the love That they
could bring because you're placing this child
kind of almost above them or equal, at least
equal to them. And that's not fair. And in my
mind, as you're talking about that, I swear you're
rubbing off so much on me. Did you see it? I
saw something else. Yeah. You're restricting
the growth. That's it. Because in my mind, you're
talking about that. And I'm like. You know how
when you have like a potted plant and it's like
you have it in a small pot. I just repotted one
of ours. Yeah, you did. You just repotted something.
And it's like even if you're putting something,
it's like, oh, no, look, it's our family. We're
in this giant pot together. It's like, but you
still need to stay in a small pot even though
you're in the big pot. Yeah. Because there's
still some growth that you need to do. You need
some roots that need to get deep into there,
right? Like you can't. Man. And see, and immediately
when you said that, I was thinking about our
plant. You also, when knowing that you're growing
into a new space and into a new season, you've
got to let those roots grow deep together. even
kind of in the heart, it's going to look a little
shaky. Because I think of the three of us at
the very beginning. We don't talk a whole lot
about this. And it's not because of anything.
It's just we just don't. But it was really difficult
at the beginning. It was hard. Because we're
literally being uprooted out of all three of
our tiny little pots and we're trying to get
into this big pot. And now because we were uprooted
out of the familiar, out of what we knew, going
into a new space, we looked a little damaged.
We were all kind of like, I'm not sure how to
do this. Are you going to hurt me? Are we going
to be okay? And so it, it almost causes you to
like our little plant up there. It looks, I'm
looking at you going, babe, did I kill it? Like
it just looks weak because it hasn't had a chance
to regain its strength into those roots and start
getting what it needs out of this bigger plant
or a bigger pot. So it's like, I, I think one
of the things that we want to encourage people
is like, number one, you got to give yourself
time. You've got to give yourself space. You
have to understand the order of the things. You
can't bring just anybody outside of Father, Son,
and Holy Ghost. You should not be bringing other
people into your relationship like that. You
should not be bringing other people into your
world. And another thing that I always flash
back to, and it's, well, Luke and Dina, like,
we don't do that. And I'm like, okay, so another
example. We're going to use you and me. Another
example. Remember how hard it was for me to let
go of you to fix things around the house and
for you to fix the car and to fix the stuff?
Because my dad was the one that always fixed
the stuff. Yep, used to get me really frustrated.
Oh, I imagine. See, there's days, you guys, y
'all have no idea. People are like, you guys
are so wonderful, and it's all so pretty. No,
listen, guys. This was a journey. It was a whole
lot of, I got to trust you. It's like, well,
show me. Well, prove to me. Yes, to a point,
but at the same time, it's like, if I keep holding
you to a standard, of either something that's
absolutely not achievable or I hold you to a
standard of, well, you don't do it the way that
my dad does it, even though you did it and it
works and it's fine. You don't cook this the
way my mom did. Ew, babe, right? Like all of
it is just, right? Yeah. It's no, you need to
pull that out of your, stop talking like that.
Just pull that completely out of your subject
box and say, you know what? This isn't the way
that I was raised. Or no, you know what? This
was not the way that my mom or my dad did this.
But you know what? This is somebody that loves
me. And they're doing this the way that they
think is best. And my bit of advice to throw
out for this is if you really have an affinity
towards the way that you were raised, that this
is made. And your spouse doesn't do it the way
you like it. And if it really is bothering you,
then you need to step up and say, hey, this thing
is important to me. Is it okay if I take over?
I love that. You know, like there are things
that you and I do very differently. And it's
because, you know, some of it's because of preferences.
Some of it's because of how we were raised. Right.
You know. and some of it is just you know but
we've learned to talk about it we've learned
to let it go we've you know one of our favorite
examples is we have a hard time watching each
other load the dishwasher it's true you know
so we just oh you're okay i'll just i'm gonna
walk away or i'm gonna like go on the other side
of the peninsula so it's like i'm not seeing
what's going on it's just You know, again. I've
literally watched your eyes just kind of go,
okay. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Because again, it's like,
is this really important? It's not. You know,
is this something that, is this, you know, some
would say, is this non -negotiable? Is this something
that's really going to make. Are you willing
to die on this hill? Yeah. Yeah. Is this something
that's really going to make or break your marriage?
Right. If they don't load the dishwasher like
you do, or if they don't make the bed like you
do, or if they don't fold your t -shirts the
way you do, is this something that's really going
to make or break your marriage? Right. And if
this is something that's going to break your
marriage, you need help. Go talk to somebody,
please. Genuinely. Yeah. Because these are not
things that should be breaking your marriage.
No. If these are things that are breaking your
marriage, there's something else going on. Right.
Right. And you need... You need to talk to somebody
now. Yeah. Please. Because this genuinely could
become, you might have a control issue. Yeah.
You might be somebody that is very stuck into
a certain space. A lot of times I know some people
are like, well, just this creates anxiety and
this creates like all these feelings inside of
me. And I'm like, deal with it. Deal with it.
Deal with the uncomfortable. Deal with being
uncomfortable. And then vocalize it. Vocalize
what this makes you feel. And then go, hmm, when
I said that out loud, how stupid did that sound?
Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just like. Or
again, hey, this is important to me. Yeah. Otherwise,
I'm going to twitch. Yeah, can I do it? Is it
okay if I take over? Yeah. This will be my job.
I hand you, we've said this on so many podcasts,
I hand you your t -shirts and your underwear.
Yeah. And I go, here you go. Yep. This is all
you. Yep. Because I don't fold them right. Again,
we've already discussed, and it's so funny because
people - And it's not a right or wrong. No, no.
It's a preference. It is a preference. It's a
big preference with you. We could absolutely
go into the whole psychotherapy and all of this
stuff and how we think this is. I literally just
kind of looked at you and I said, babe, I think
I figured it out. Because you saw, I've tried.
This is like, I've gotten frustrated tried. And
I said, babe, I genuinely think I'm left -handed
and you're right -handed. I, my brain, you've
watched me. like steam comes out of my ears not
out of anger but out of i'm frustrated and i
can't do this and this is and then it takes me
into a really bad space and it's like don't do
that to your spouse yeah don't do it to yourself
don't do it to yourself don't do that to your
spouse don't create a space to where you're like
you have to do it this blah blah blah guess what
guys Not all of us can do the things. We're not
all designed to do all the stuff. And mom and
dad might have just absolutely mastered it. Your
spouse might have absolutely mastered it. But
if your counterpart has not mastered something
that you have mastered, then by all means, you
take over. You do that part. You get to be the
one that takes care of this now. Absolutely.
And if you, you as the spouse that says, no,
okay, not trying to be weird, but like, no, this
is their job. They should be folding this a certain
way. They should be doing, and you notice I did
not say male or female. Okay. Because it's both.
It's both. If you are the one that is insisting
that things get done a certain way, and you see
that that spouse is trying desperately to do
whatever it is that they can do, but it's exhausting
them to the point of aggravation and turmoil
and hurt, then you as a spouse, the one that's
demanding it, you need to get your crap together.
You need to figure this out. Because what you
are doing is you are creating a space for them
to fail. Why would you do that to the person
you love? Don't do things like that. And I know
there are some people. I didn't mean to go into
that. No, that's fine. Go ahead. I was going
to say, and I know kind of to tag along with
that, I know there are some people that are like,
well, these are husband jobs, these are wife
jobs, so on and so forth. And I know we are big
proponents of if this is where your strength
is, do it. If this is where your strength is,
do it. If this is your preference, my preference.
If neither of us are good at it, but you're a
little bit better... Do it. Period, right? Or
let's go find somebody that can help us out and
get strong in this. I almost don't want to go
back to it, but I kind of do. Because when I
was saying that if it's these little things that
are setting you off, or these things could break
my marriage, and it's like, please get help.
All of a sudden in my mind, it's like... Because
you were like, it might be this, it might be
this. And all of a sudden in my mind, I was like,
or it could be somebody's already either having
an emotional affair or about to, and it's like
they're almost looking for a way out. Yes. And
it's like, oh, here's this little thing that
I can harp on. Yes. That this will let me, if
I blow this up, if I pull this trigger, that's
going to be enough that it's like, oh, see, I'm
justified. Yes. Yes. I can say, sadly, I can
say sadly, even though I know that everything
inside me, I should never have married my first
husband. Yeah. Okay. Even though I know that.
Me, who was the one that was having first the
emotional affair, even though... The drugs, the
alcohol, the stuff, right? All the things. I
could sit here and say this was all justified,
but it's never justified. It's never justified.
It's you need to own your part, okay? I found
myself at the very end, were there things very
much there? Yes. But could I maybe have potentially
stayed, tried to figure it out? worked it out,
fixed it out. Maybe, maybe, maybe, but I think
I'm not to come completely go back on me because
again, guys, listen, I, I absolutely own the
fact that I helped destroy my first marriage.
Um, but what I'm just trying to agree with you
that that is very much a real thing. You will
start finding reasons. You'll start picking fights.
The very beginning of our relationship. Dang,
babe. Why are we having all these conversations
today? Because this is who we are. And because
we need to give good illustrations. what it could
look like when other people are in your marriage.
Because we guys know what this feels like. At
the very beginning of our marriage, how many
times did I try to push every one of your buttons?
Almost daily. For quite, I say quite some time,
a good solid however many months, right? But
it was because of a fear of me, like, you're
going to walk away. I'm just going to find the
button that's going to make it happen. You're
eventually going to leave me. You're eventually
going to fill in the blank here. Turn violent.
Turn violent. You're eventually going to, like,
I mean, guys, listen to me. I pushed every one
of Luke's buttons and not one of them ever engaged.
The only one that ever really hit you was when
I told you to go away. and you thought I said
go away and he didn't even like leave leave I
went I said oh you're looking pretty thin there
we were working out doing all the things I was
like oh babe like you're like you're looking
and I told you to go weigh yourself like on a
scale but I just said go away and I'm cooking
and then all of a sudden I turn around I don't
see him and then I find him in the living room
sitting very quietly but very like like something
broke for just i forgot about this do you remember
that no i forgot about like you literally you
were sitting on the couch yeah and like you would
have literally thought that like i told you somebody
had passed away in your life or something i mean
it just you were like this yeah you weren't even
moving yeah and in that moment the holy spirit
showed me how incredibly How important my words
were to you. And it wasn't just how important
my words were, but how do I need to say this
to you? Like I knew in that moment that I had
somebody that was, that had, yes, been very,
very broken, but so, so tender. Like you were
so. precious and sweet and kind and tender and
you don't want to hear that when you're 6 '3
and you're amazing and a badass that does jujitsu
and the things but but you know what I mean like
I think I think we need to take that moment with
each other and see how we respond when my brother
and sister -in -law were here and they were doing
that interview with us and they were talking
about boulders and rocks right yeah When we speak
to each other, when we say, hey, it feels like
you're coming at me. Hey, it feels like, like
when you just said that to me, it wasn't, you
were trying to give me, you weren't trying to
redirect me. It felt like it was more of a criticism
as opposed to a critique. It was more of a, like.
It was more like both busting into the door saying
you're doing this wrong. You're doing this wrong.
Yeah. And throwing rocks. And, you know, like
our words being soft. Yeah. We can still be very
much us and very, but tender, tender hearted,
very, very careful, slow to speak. Yeah. Quick
to hear, quick to listen, quick to understand,
slow to respond. Yeah. Taking the moment to stop
and say, instead of getting a flashback of maybe
a person like, well, this is how my dad used
to speak to me. So when you talk to me like that,
then I start lashing out to you in this way.
And it's like, no, no, no. Instead of coming
at the person, you stop and you say, hey, that
didn't feel very good. This took me not to a
good place. And then. And then also as a person
that got taken to the not good place, recognizing
that this is not your enemy. This is not that
person. So it's got to be a twofold situation.
It's not just responding to maybe the third person
that's in that marriage, but it's responding
to that thing and saying, okay, this doesn't
get to live here anymore because that's not who
we are. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. And it is. And
I know like the idea, the ideal is, you know,
husband, wife, Jesus in that marriage together.
Yeah. For non -Christians, I will throw this
out there. Absolutely. For non -Christians, I
did hear, you actually shared this with me the
other day. Somebody was talking about this kind
of a concept and, you know, putting, you know,
making sure that, you know. what's going on is
good and it was like they said the third person
in the marriage um is not jesus you know again
they were they were secular they were you know
but again it's still it was mel robbins yeah
i'll throw her out there yeah it was really good
but she was like you know there's three there's
there should only be three people in the marriage
and it's the husband the wife the marriage the
marriage you know and again it's like what are
you doing for the marriage yeah what are you
doing you know to build the marriage to make
sure that all three are strong and together yeah
and again that's i i it's like yes i want to
sit there and say well no the third should be
jesus yes but i i also understand where she was
coming with that yeah because again it's you
know if we aren't looking out for the marriage
if we aren't looking out for what are we doing
together if we're not looking out for You know,
what are my words doing to my spouse? Right.
You know, if we're not looking out for, you know,
am I building for myself or am I building for
my spouse? You know, again, it's that back to,
it's back to the idea of, you know, we're in
this to build each other up. Yeah. You know,
we're in this to. make sure that we are both
succeeding and going forward right you know that
i don't know it's like i'm getting it's like
i've got so much it's like i it's like in my
brain i'm like i have so much i want to say but
i don't know what to say and i don't quite know
how to say it and so i'm like yeah that part
yeah you want both parties to be able to grow
to the full potential of heaven that exists in
front of and in them right you you get to do
things that are not on my radar and vice versa
you also want to say i am not going to be so
self -centered and so me me me that i i also
need to make sure what am i doing what am i doing
that is going to help us Yeah. Us succeed. Because
I think too many times people might get it one
way or the other. It's like, oh, you've got to
be so consumed with your marriage that you don't
have your own little life and the things. We're
not saying that. We're not saying it's right
or wrong. What we are saying is if it is pulling
from the fabric of the marriage, which should
be the first relationship that you are pouring
into, then... It's missing somehow. You also
need to be working on you, you and Jesus. Or
again, for those that are not Christians, you
need to be working on you just becoming a better
version of you. What is the absolute best version
that you can possibly be? What is the full potential
that rests inside of you? And then figure what
that is out. And then bring it to your spouse.
Sit down with that person. Because ultimately
they should be your biggest fan. What is it?
The gift or whatever it was that I sent you that
one day. It's like my husband's clap is so loud
that I can't even. I don't even notice who's
not clapping for me. That's who we should be
for each other. We should be the one that gets
the most excited about what's going on in each
other's lives. We should be the ones that says,
yes, I think that's amazing. Or like you came
to me, babe, I want to do jujitsu. Yeah. This
is what I feel like is going to help unlock and
help get me refocused and re motivated and get
me moving. And it has, can I say that? Like,
babe, like, like I have my husband back. Yeah.
Like I have my husband back. Right. But you don't
get so fixated. You could be in the gym probably
four or five times a week. Yeah. And you're like,
I want to balance this. I want to make sure that
my home life is good. I need to make sure that
my wife and I are good. I need to make sure that
my children and I are good. I need to make sure
my job and I are good. It's that balancing act.
I need to make sure that I'm getting the projects
done. And then saying, okay. this is what I want
to do. Hey, babe, this is what I need to do.
Okay, babe, I'll see you later. Go to the garage,
go work on your project. Hey, babe, I'll see
you in a couple of hours. Go enjoy the jujitsu
and the, whatever the other thing you did. Judo.
Judo stuff. And I'll see you in a couple hours.
The kids and I, the kids and I will be here.
Yeah. And we will be better because you are getting
better. And then, because when you come home.
We now get to get the best of you as opposed
to the aggravated, frustrated, run -down part
of you because you don't feel like you're accomplishing
or becoming and doing what it is that you're
supposed to do. Yeah. Yeah. Is that kind of what
you were sort of saying? I think so. A little
bit? I think so, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I see your
face. You do, yeah. It's all like you want a
fire hydrant down through this little bitty tiny
little kitchen sink, and you're like, I got to
get all this stuff out there, and I can't. I'm
trying to see. You said kitchen sink. In my mind,
I said paper straw. Oh, shoot, yeah. From a fire
hydrant down to a straw. Dang, yeah. Yeah. Yes.
Yes. But it is. It's figure out. maybe this is
part of some of this stuff. Maybe you guys have
already fixed it. You've already dealt with it,
but maybe you're coming up on a new season. And
then all of a sudden, because of this new season,
like stuff is kicking up that you go, Whoa, where
did that come from? Make sure you're vocalizing
it to each other and saying what's happening.
Yeah. Cause I mean, I mean real quick, I'll even
say it was what? Six ish months ago. Yeah. Like
all of a sudden in my mind, I was like, you know
kind of like not for any real reason but i was
like i wonder what my ex is up to yeah yeah yeah
and it was like really weird but i was like yeah
journey because she's listen you want social
media investigator she is good at that you know
and it was like you know and again it wasn't
for any real reason that i could say but it was
like yeah random curiosity yeah and you came
to me after a couple days and you're like yeah
this this doesn't feel right i'm like okay we'll
drop it Yeah. Yeah. You know, I mean. I did ask
you, are we okay? Yeah. Like, did I do something?
Are we okay? Are you okay? Is there something
that triggered this? You know, like, because
you do want to be honest about it, guys. Like,
be honest about it. There's times where, like,
you might have an ex -person. You might have
a cuda. Yeah. Coulda, woulda, maybe, possibly
person that you could start entertaining when
things start getting a little hard. Yeah. Man,
I really wish this could have. I bet it wouldn't
be hard if I had married this one. Shoot, babe.
Right? Right? So it's like when we start entertaining
those things, when it starts getting a little
hard in our own marriages or when it starts to
get maybe a little uncomfortable or just a season
is changing. Or it could be just smack out of
the blue and the enemy goes, hmm. Yep. I'm just
going to plant this, see what happens. I wonder
what life would be like if. And then the enemy's
got you. Yep. And so if you find yourself in
any one of those kind of scenarios, we encourage
you, talk to each other about it. Yes. Be honest
about it. Yeah. I guarantee your spouse probably
has a pretty good inkling that there is something.
Oh, yeah. That's, hey, I can't quite put my finger
on it, but something's not quite. Especially
wives. Wives are usually better picking up on
that. We're pretty good at it. Yeah. I know quite
a few family, different people, the fellas that
you're really good at it too. You can kind of
say. You okay? Yeah. That's usually how you start
it. I'm not saying guys are 100 % clueless. You
guys are not clueless. No. But I know that for
the most part, general population, women are
usually better. Yes. Yes. That's all I'm saying.
Yeah. No, that's fine. But it is. I think maybe,
ooh, I don't know. See? And you say that, and
in my mind I'm thinking, and unfortunately I
think sometimes us women. we have a tendency
to float our brains off in that space a lot faster
than you guys do. Maybe. In my mind, all of a
sudden it's the whole, because you're like, well,
I don't know if it's better, or I don't know
if women have it better. And all of a sudden
I was like, well, maybe not. It's just different.
It's just different. Yeah. You know, we pick
up on different things in different ways. Yeah.
Different clues. Yeah. Yeah. Pay attention to
those clues. Yeah. Love your spouse enough to
say if you feel something from your spouse. Like,
again, I know you weren't going anywhere with
it. Yeah. But I could see where the enemy wanted
to take you somewhere. And it's like, you know
what? Babe, I don't like this. Yeah. I, mm -mm.
This is, mm -mm. And our fearless, beautiful
girl that can find anybody on the planet was
having a hard time finding, which I think was
a godsend. I think it was very much a good thing.
So it's recognize those things. Understand that
it's not even necessarily, like you said, there
was nothing wrong going on with us. Everything
was fine. We also know we have an enemy. We have
an adversary. And even when it seems like the
mundane, the everyday, that sometimes that's
usually when it happens too, it's not that anything's
wrong. It's just everything's just, you know,
everything's good. Yeah. But, huh. Yeah. I wonder
what's, huh. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like, I wonder
what the weather's like in England right now.
Right. Right. Why? We're not living there. We're
not living there. We're not visiting there anytime
soon. So why do you care? Yeah. So it's like,
so just be aware of your thoughts. Be aware of
how you're responding. Get a better understanding
of even why you're responding the way that you're
responding. Yeah. Is it out of a person? Is it
out of a hurt? Is it out of a past? No matter
what it is, it's something that can be dealt
with. It is something that needs to be vocalized.
And that it is something that can be overcome
so you can be better. And every now and then,
go through your marriage closet and make sure
it's only your clothes that are in there. There
you go. I just came up with that. You're welcome.
Sir, write that down. All right, guys. Again,
April 8th. Yes. Revive Church and the Community
Center. Connections Room. The Connections Room,
9900 View High Drive, Kansas City. Yep. If you
have any questions, need anything, we would love
to see you guys. Yes. We would love for you to
be there. We get nervous when we think about
throwing our stuff out there because... Because
you're going to come. Because talking to a microphone
and a computer is a lot different than talking
to live people that are staring at you. But I
can say, I will say for both of us, we wouldn't
do this if we did not care about marriages. And
we know how incredibly important this is. 100%.
So we hope to see you guys there. And you guys
have the best week. Enjoy the journey.