Hello and welcome back to Upfront and Undivided with Luke and Dean'na.
Hi.
Hey, babe.
How's it going?
It's good.
How are you?
I'm good.
It's a day.
I was going to see if you were going to comment on what I'm wearing.
Right now, as of right now, you are dressed up as Rosie the Riveter.
I am.
Yes.
I am.
Because you're awesome like that.
We got the bandana to actually sort of, see I move like that and I'm like, I don't think
it would have survived school.
I don't think so.
I got to go hang out with my high school kids today.
You did?
And it's funny to me that our elementary boy didn't dress up and you didn't see anybody
dressed up today.
I really didn't.
And where I am among a bunch of teenagers and grown adults and a lot of the people were
running around wearing things.
And it was really funny because here's Gabrie going, because I substitute, I don't get like
the teacher emails and I don't get like stuff like that.
But me being there last year, I kind of had the pulse of things that they did and what
they're really, what do you want to say?
Festive or very school spirit.
That's it.
School spirit.
Yes.
And so I got myself a new jumper.
You did.
Not for this occasion.
It looks amazing.
Thank you, baby.
Because I wanted one for the longest time and it's one of your favorite materials out
of your favorite stores.
Yes, it is.
And so it came just in time for this and I was like, that'll be the easiest thing.
Just in case this is not supposed to be a dress up day, nobody's going to be none the
wiser because I didn't put the bandana on.
So if you guys go look at my Facebook page or even my Instagram feed, my personal one,
you'll see I look like Rosie the Riveter.
Yes, you do.
The blonde version.
Yes.
That's what I got to do and that's what I get to be.
And when we have people come and ask for candy later, that's what I'll get to pass out with.
Because it's like we're not big into, all of a sudden I felt like I needed to explain,
we're not big into Halloween.
We don't really, we don't celebrate Halloween per se.
We really don't.
But we do like candy.
And we like our community.
And I noticed that our kids really like passing this out.
And the spirit of giving almost just let me and then you get the kids that come to our
door and then you'll hear Sebastian or Gabriel complimenting them and telling them how cute
they look or how fun their costume is.
And I think it kind of like hit me like, okay, you know what, we're going to take back what
the enemy has tried to use to hurt and we're going to speak blessings and we're going to
be life and light in the midst of this.
So yeah, that's my kind of my disclaimer for the holiday that we don't really like.
So anyway.
That shows up at the end of October.
I mean, I already said it, but still it is.
It's, you know, it is.
How can we bless our community?
And this gets to be one of them that they get to come to the lances house and get to
partake of candy and get smiles and, oh my gosh, good to see you, you know, kind of moments,
especially if we do get to see faces that we know, which we do periodically.
We do.
So what are we talking about today, babe?
So today we're going to jump into it.
I once again, I came up with a fun, I think fun title when help is an option.
Oh, okay.
Yes.
I like this.
So we're going to kind of be talking about some sensitive things.
Yeah.
Some kind of deep things today.
And I kind of want to go at it from a two prong, two prong approach.
Okay.
And in a way, my title and what I want us to talk about today has two parts to it.
Okay.
But it's basically like the two parts are if you see something in your spouse and you
want to help your marriage, it is an option to go find help.
Yes.
Whether that be couples counseling, whether that be you go to counseling, whether they
go to counseling.
Yeah.
It's just something, you know, if your marriage needs help, help is out there.
Yes.
And then the other part is because I know this is something that we've experienced,
you know, with me going through my mental health journey, those times when you as a
spouse or you as a friend sees somebody that you know that is struggling and you have that
space to speak into their life, you can say, hey, have you thought of counseling as an
option or have you thought about talking to somebody through some of these things?
Yeah.
Or if you know that they are talking to somebody or in some kind of regimen, you know, hey,
how's that journey going for you?
Yeah.
You know, kind of check in on them.
So those are the kind of, so it's like one topic, one kind of big topic, but kind of
two approaches or two kind of meanings to it.
A couple of different routes to go.
Yeah.
I like that.
So which one do you want to start on?
I think I kind of want to start with the marriage stuff first.
Okay.
So give me a scenario.
What are you thinking?
So I mean, I can swing for the fences and let's say there's been infidelity in a marriage.
And we've had people on our podcast, you know, Stuart and Patty, you know, they've talked
about that before.
And you know, that was a great episode reminding us that nothing is too far gone.
Truly.
You know, but it's, you know, and we've known other couples that have gone through similar
journeys and experiences, you know, but it's one of those things where it's like, so that
was one event.
And even if it was a one time thing, sometimes there's those like those echo effects or there's
new fingerprints, a new soul tie possibly that needs to get dealt with.
And you know, whether you go to like a pastor that is certified for counseling or, you know,
even just a pastor or you go to just a regular therapist, counselor or something, you know,
it's always good to kind of, you know, clear the air and deal with that.
You know, and you know, I don't want to say like deal with it, like, you know, just put
it out there and forgive and forget, you know, it's I can say that, but it's usually not
that easy, you know, from what I've seen.
And it's just, but it gives you a starting point towards that journey of healing.
Yes.
You know, so it's not always there, you know, in the back of your mind or something or,
you know, oh, they came home late from work.
So obviously this is what's going on or, you know, they're hiding their phone from me.
So this is what's happening.
You know, so it's one of those things that it's like talking with somebody, an actual
professional that knows how to talk through this thing, these things helps on the journey
to healing.
You know, and I think that's the big thing.
You know, it's always that like, A, it's always a journey in marriage, you know, or in any
kind of relationship.
It's always a journey.
It's always an, it's a string of experiences, if you will.
You know, but, but to get over an event like that or, or a situation like that, it's, it's
that journey towards healing.
Yeah.
You know, and regardless of how long it takes.
I think a lot of times when I think of, I do, I kind of, I think of Patty and Stuart's
talk.
And so if you guys are curious, even what we're talking about and you haven't heard
it, I would encourage you to go listen.
But it's one of those where I think the first thing is, is you want to have the conversation
with your spouse.
It's almost like what would be some, some practical, we always talk about the practical,
right?
Like what would be kind of the, okay, well, I found out that my, my spouse is cheating,
whether it's they were physically or it might even be an emotional, mental, like you said,
this, just the soul ties that could come in so many different forms.
Anytime that the affection of your spouse gets turned to somebody, somebody else in
some way, you know, like you sent me that really horrible reel of an Instagram, the
work wife, the work spouse.
I was like, what is that?
You know, but it's, it's a real thing.
It is, you know, it's, I think it's understanding where the, maybe even where that pitfall started.
Where did, where did that, that extra turn of the eye happen?
When did that maybe kind of maybe retrace the steps in a way of find out potentially
where love was being lost in that, you know?
And you as the one that has inadvertently been the one cheated on or been mishandled
again, cause it's like, we don't want to so much just put it on cheating per se, but just
somebody that's been mishandled, you know?
I mean, it could be, it could be a job.
The job takes all of your time and affection away from your spouse or your kids.
Or it could be a level of abuse.
Of abuse.
Yeah.
Just mental, emotional, spiritual, physical abuse.
Right?
So it's, and when we do say nothing is too far gone, please understand us.
We're sincere when we say that it also, we also preface it with, with the leading of
a Holy Spirit.
Cause there are times when I'm pretty certain we have said this over the time that we've
been doing this, but there are times where Holy Spirit will say, that's enough.
We're done.
Yeah.
And then there's other times where it's like, you're throwing your hands up and God's like,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, I actually, not only can I salvage this, but I can make it better than what it was
before.
Yes.
And so I think a lot of it is, it has to be, it has to be a dual situation for it to flourish
I think it could survive and maybe somewhat thrive, even if one person is just kind of
like, I'm giving it all and I'm just in this and this is what we're doing.
But I still think you're shortchanging the marriage because you're not both highly invested
in it at that point.
But I think to go back to what you said originally, I think one of the first things you have to
do is you have to even acknowledge that there's something going on.
It's almost like an alcoholic or a drug addict or just porn addiction, whatever addiction
it might be, even if it's an addiction of another person or the addiction of the...
Attention.
That's, thank you baby.
Yes, I was having a hard time.
The attention that you get, you're not even per se doing anything, but there's a little
extra flirting or there's that little, oh, somebody, they're teasing with me or, oh,
we're just friendly and you're like, I think you enjoy that attention.
And so it's acknowledge that.
And then really start diving in deep and asking the Holy Spirit to guide you and ask you,
what is it that I crave that's making me look outside of my marriage?
And then go to the spouse, go to your spouse, repent and acknowledge that this is going
on and then say, okay, now what can I do?
Yes, to make this better, but what can we do ultimately for us to help build this back
again?
And so I would say for also the spouse that is the one that got cheated on or again, wronged.
Thank you, babe.
I'm having a hard time today.
It just wronged, I think I would have to say in that space, you need to let forgiveness
flow like a river and break that cycle.
You both have to break a cycle.
There's a two fold cycle, kind of like you said, that's two pronged situation, right?
There's a two fold cycle that needs to be broken.
The breaking of the spouse that's outside looking for something outside of their spouse
and then once that spouse, the other spouse finds out about it, the breaking of the cycle
of where are they, what are they doing, what's going on, taking those thoughts captive, giving
them room to heal, giving them room to restore, save face, gain ground.
I don't know, you know what I mean?
All these different ways of saying it, but give them the opportunity for them to break
the cycle too and be honest about it.
So I'm not saying this one, that one, that one, this one.
So let's put you and me in this space, right?
So I'm the one that wrongs you.
And what I would say would be one of the best things that we as a couple could do was sit
down together and say, how can we fix this?
How can we regain ground?
How can we recover from what it is that we've done or what I've done, right?
And then kind of not so much a blaming game.
I would never say it's a blaming game, but I would say that there might be something
that you would, you want to sit down and say, is there something that I could have done
more?
Is there something you could have done more?
It's the admitting, you know, kind of, kind of, it's the admitting of yes, this happened.
You know, if there is, you know, if both of us are, so to speak, at fault for something,
it's like, hey, here's where I could have done better.
Here's where we could have done better.
But you know, it's that clearing the air, you know, and yes, you don't want to get into
a blame game, but you want to get into a taking responsibility and then working towards restoration.
That's it.
Yeah.
And then, you know, this, this will probably involve a third person, you know, or a third
party.
Yeah.
You know, a ref, so to speak.
I mean, without literally the guidance of the Holy Spirit and him completely overshadowing
the two of you, which we know is possible, but I think having, yes, a third party involved,
just so they can guide you through the conversation so that way it doesn't become a pointing of
the finger situation.
But it is, I know one of some sweet, sweet friends of ours that used to be over the Marrieds
Group for a season.
I remember him distinctly and there's rings in my head.
Even if 90 for 95% is your spouse's problem or their fault, you still need to own the
5% that you, that you get to bring to the table.
And it's like, but they did this, but I wasn't the one and nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Like literally just say, Father, what would you like me to do here?
My heart, number one, needs to soften because it's broken.
Like it needs to heal.
But I want it to heal in a place where it doesn't become hard.
I want it to heal in a place where it's soft and pliable so that way you can deal with
me and show me what I can do to maybe, and maybe you didn't do anything, right?
But you need to be in a space where you can receive your spouse back into your marriage,
into that covenant so you can trust again, so you can hope again, so you can dream again.
You know, so you guys can be everything that you are created to be together.
And when we get to that place and we start letting people, setting them free per se,
you know, just not holding them captive to their past, even if it's been done against
us, you know, love keeps no record of wrong, right?
And it's, and it's again, if the Holy Spirit tells you to bounce, you bounce.
This is not what we're saying though.
We're saying if you know that, well, I don't feel like I need to be, I'm not released from
this or, you know, don't let it be a knee jerk reaction.
Well, you know, this is just, they did it to me again, or this is just, you know, whatever.
And it's like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
Hold tight and stand back and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you.
Let him deal with you because irregardless, if he tells you to bounce, guess what, guys?
Your heart still needs to be healed.
It still needs to be put into a place of soft, pliable because the Holy Spirit told me to
bounce my first one, my first marriage.
And if I had not let the Holy Spirit come in and heal me in those places and even me
who did wrong to him too and heal me from that, right?
You and I would never even be, we wouldn't be here.
Right.
And I know, you know, and I know we've talked about, you know, if you, you know, if it gets
to the point where you need like a counselor or therapist, pastor, you know, even if you
know somebody that can act as, you know, I'll jokingly say ref.
Referee, yeah.
You know, or mediator, if you want to use the fancier term, because I know we had some
really good friends that were going through some stuff and they didn't want to go to the
point of getting a counselor, but they both trusted you to be impartial.
I forgot about that.
And they had like, oh goodness, it was hours long conversation.
And they had you kind of sit in the middle and be like, you know, we both trust you to
be impartial and we want to get everything out, but we want to do it in a clean way.
And so they did, they asked you to be ref and they are happily married and they have
moved on from those issues.
And they're almost 30, they're moving towards 30.
Are they really?
25.
Okay.
So I rounded up to 30, but yeah, I want to say, I think they just celebrated, oh gosh,
I don't know, if it's not 25, it's close to 25 years of marriage.
And this was when, I mean, it might've been maybe been 12, 13 years.
So it was like at the halfway point, but it was, it was, I forgot about that.
But the two of them were willing to sit down.
I think that that was the point.
Even if your spouse isn't willing to sit down, but you are, then you sit.
You sit, you take that time.
You talk to somebody that can maybe give you this kind of, again, we're not, we're not
marriage counselors by all means, but we are pretty good mediators and we're pretty good
people to say, we've been here, done this to a space.
And what does the word of God say?
I mean, we will always take you back to what is the word of God say?
And again, there's some things that the Bible says, yep, this is, you're allowed to, but
ultimately God doesn't like divorce.
That wasn't his first choice.
It was kind of, he got not so much that God got pushed into a corner, but he said, I see
that you're not going to let this go.
So I'll give you, here are this, here's your guidelines.
These are the grounds for which you can get divorced.
But I'm still God.
And even in the midst of those kinds of grounds, I can still heal you if you're willing, if
you're willing.
And I think as long as you are willing to dig it out, willing kind of like you said
at the beginning, willing to put that time in knowing that this isn't going to, your
marriage is this monster ship and it's not going to turn overnight.
It's going to take some time.
Be patient with each other.
Be patient with yourself.
I would say when those thoughts come up, even the one that is having the thoughts of infidelity
or having thoughts of talk it out, like say, this is really getting on me.
And the spouse that it's being spoken to, give them that space and not to go fulfill
that, that's not what I'm saying, but give them that space to talk it out so that way,
once you, you and I say it a lot, when something has been living in the dark for so long and
then you bring it to the light, it starts losing its power.
And you'll start seeing that when you talk it out and this is what I'm feeling right
now, just even in our journeys, just our physical journeys, mental journeys, right?
We've had those times where it's like, babe, I'm not okay right now.
I don't know what's going on, but I'm not, just be honest, honest and upfront and allow
the Holy Spirit to come in and let him, let him maneuver you and let him guide you through
this treacherous waters to where on the other side there will be peace.
And with some of these things, you're talking about give them space and all and let them
kind of, I'm not saying completely back off and let them go on a journey towards them
getting healed and restored because I think that's something that you, in the realm of
marriage and spouses, that's something you both need to work on together.
Yes.
Yes, there's going to be some individual work on that, but in a way it's kind of like thinking
about weight loss or getting fit or something like that.
Yeah.
And it didn't happen overnight, so it can't be fixed overnight.
Correct.
And I loved your image of like riding a ship.
You're not going to turn a ship on a dime, especially the bigger ones, but it is, it's
that going through the journey together, it's talking things out.
Your sister-in-law's mom, her famous bit of, I may not always agree with it, but I agree
with it.
Even if you're shouting at each other, at least you're still communicating.
You're still communicating.
At least there's still something there.
But it is.
It's interesting when something happens in a marriage that all of a sudden it seems like
a marriage takes a big hit or something.
It's like, how do you come back from that?
When it is one of those things where it's like one spouse wants to work on it and one
spouse is just kind of whatever, it's like, what are the words that you can use to say,
I mean, yes, you can sit there and in a way plead your case, but it is, I know that's
a really tricky position to be in if, again, let's for fun use us as an example.
If I decided I'm done and you're like, no, let's fight for this, how do you say, no,
we can fix this and no, I know God's got more for us.
It's one of those things that it is.
I know there's several things to do and if it were infidelity, how do we come back from
that?
In a way, I was thinking if it were infidelity or if it were a situation or something, something
explodes.
I've heard several people say it and I've heard it before.
It's like nobody woke up and said, this is what I'm going to do today.
It's always those little steps and it reminded me of a friend of ours that teaches self-defense.
It's like self-defense, it's like, what if I'm on my knees and he has a gun to the back
of my head.
It's like, well, stop.
How did you get there in the first place?
There were several steps that happened.
There were several steps that happened outside of your marriage or inside of your marriage
that got you to today.
How do we look at those or how do we all of a sudden, it's like we didn't do anything
about all these steps leading up to today.
How do we now today think back to all those steps or even ignore all those steps but say,
I know we need to turn around.
We need to go back.
How do we do that?
You and I were talking the other day like we do.
We were actually discussing a really sensitive situation that was going on.
I'm being very cryptic, yes, but I'm trying to be very respectful into the situation.
There were a couple of things in this that I responded back to the situation that was
being presented in front of us.
You had made a statement and I had made a statement.
I'm going to read basically what I wrote out because I think that this would be incredibly
helpful.
I have it written down so I'm just going to read it to you all.
Just give me a second.
It says, be still right now.
Let God direct your words, your response in your feet.
Pray for your spouse's heart, their mind and their emotions.
Know what God is capable of and also know that his ways are higher and his thoughts
are higher.
He's the only one that can make a difference between life and death.
This doesn't surprise God or catch him off guard.
The situation you're in, this does not surprise God.
He's very much in the middle of it.
Let's see what he wants to do because he loves your spouse more than you do.
I followed up with, because you had made a statement as I was making a statement and
your statement was this.
Your words need to be the embrace that brings your spouse peace.
You may be saying all the things but you need to break it down.
You need to tell them that you want them, that you love them and you want to stay married
to them.
They need to know that they're not just needed but they're wanted.
I think if we come with a broken spirit, a contrite heart, literally not just God will
not deny us but I believe that that puts us in a vulnerable position to where our spouse
is, you go from, I'm mad at you, I'm angry at you, I can't believe you to, I love you.
You're broken.
I want to do whatever I need to do to help get you back to becoming free and whole again.
When we start, I even literally go back to Torrie and Dustin when we did our conversation
with them.
Tori's like, I went from seeing Dustin as this grown man to seeing the child that got
introduced to some things that created this monster that now has grown into this thing.
When we start saying, God, uproot, whatever that is inside of them, that's making them
pursue something other than you and other than me.
Uproot whatever that is so that way they have a pure devoted devotion to you and to me.
Let that happen to me too because I think when we start seeing each other in that kind
of capacity, well, they betrayed me.
They did this.
They broke the covenant.
They broke my heart.
You don't get it.
No, no, no, I do.
I do.
Luke and I both do.
We've both been in this boat.
We've been the offended and we've been the offenders.
We know that broken hurt people hurt people.
Until you become whole in that capacity, it's going to expose itself somehow, some way.
That's where we want to look at our spouse tenderly, lovingly and say, what can I do
to help you succeed in everything that you were created to be?
And I know a lot of our solutions involve possibly talking to a pastor or praying and
all that and reminding them of reminding yourself and reminding them of the calling that God
has on their lives.
And I'll say real quick that a lot of this can still apply if your spouse does not believe.
Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely.
You may not want to go into the let's pray together, but you can still pray for them
and tell them that you're praying for them.
Absolutely.
They may not be as easy as ready to go to a pastor to talk, but you can still get them
to go to a counselor.
Yes, yes.
So I don't know why, but I mean, I know why, because God said, say this real quick.
But it's one of those things that I was like, if somebody is in that situation where their
believer and their spouse isn't, it's like, this still applies.
This still applies.
Yes.
Yeah.
Because there's actually, there's that scripture that says, even if you are an unbeliever,
if you're a believer and your spouse is not, and I don't know where it is, we'll have to
find it.
Yeah.
But you can win that spouse over with the love of God.
You're not trying to manipulate.
You're not trying to, you're literally trying to bring them into the peace and the goodness
of who God is.
I want to say it's like something about, they're saved because of your salvation or something
like that.
That's something of that nature, but it's like, because you continue to cover them and
you continue to speak the word of God over them and you serve them, you bless them, you
take good care of them.
You will, it might take, like you said, it might take a while.
Remember guys, when you're planting seeds, you're not going to get a harvest tomorrow.
Right.
That's not going to spring up.
Well, it's been years now I've been doing this.
Well, sometimes crops take a while.
And sometimes what it is, it's not necessarily that the crop is taking a while for it to
grow.
It's the thing that has been trying to hold them down is still very much alive.
It's trying to die.
We're trying to kill that.
We're trying to kill the roots that are causing them to not be exactly what it is that God
created them to be.
You're trying to grow and nurture the harvest while still trying to tame and kill the weeds.
Yeah.
And that's a process.
It's a process.
So be patient in that.
Be patient in it.
And if you are either one of these parties, be patient with yourself, be patient with
one another.
Seek wise counsel.
Seek somebody.
Know that nobody is looking at you any different.
Nobody's accusing you or pointing fingers.
And if you're the spouse that is doing the pointing of the finger, stop it.
Just stop.
Stop doing that.
And genuinely take a step back.
I know I say that a lot in all these podcasts, but it's true.
We've got to take a step back in our own lives before we start taking any ground in any other
space because it's like, first of all, God, let me be still.
Let me remind myself who you are, who you've created me to be.
And then how would you like to proceed?
Because again, your ways are higher than our ways.
Our thoughts are higher than our thoughts.
And there's going to be times where the Holy Spirit drops something in your spirit that
he wants you to do.
And you're going to be like, nah, that's crazy.
But that's what he said to do.
And he knows what's going to ultimately crack that hard heart wide open and let that just
the tender flesh and the goodness and the tenderness to come back again.
He knows what it's going to take.
So trust him through this process.
Let him guide you.
He's not going to steer you wrong.
He wants nothing but good for you and your spouse for your marriage because he's a good
God and that's what he desires.
That's what he desires for our lives.
So just know that it's going to be okay.
Just trust him.
And I know we've talked a lot about spouses and we've talked about making sure your marriage
is solid.
And I wanted to pivot a little bit to the other half of my thought of the if you see
your spouse or if you see your friend that is struggling with say mental health or something
going on, I know it feels like today's episode is like bounce back to that episode and that
episode but it's kind of like when we talked with Heather and talked about like you especially
started you started that idea because you're like well how can I as a spouse that I'm not
familiar with like PTSD or like these mental health issues.
It's like how can I what can I do?
And it's so it's one of those things and I know I mean as a personal note I know I've
said this to you but I can't say it enough of just how much I appreciate your patience
and understanding with me and my journey of trying to figure out what's going on with
my own mental health regardless of how much I feel like I am or am not getting help or
getting better.
You know but it's but part of it is you know as a spouse I'll say you know as a spouse
as a friend it helps to know that the person that is going through some stuff because you
might know you know yes it was early on in our marriage but you knew that in a way tough
love kicking me in the pants was going to be just enough to nudge me back off the cliff
and out of the cave.
And so it's one of those things that you know and like I said earlier even if it's not hey
you need to go get help or you know the hey have you taken your meds today?
You know just the hey how you doing?
You know just the checking in.
You know I've talked about how I somewhat recently talked to a small group of my male
friends and basically said you know hey I struggle.
I struggle and I'm not okay and you know every now and then you know one of them will just
kind of you know in a way eye check me and just kind of you know hey how you doing?
You know hey you were on my mind today and I prayed for you.
You know and in a way you know that's it's kind of the same with spouses you know and
I know I don't want to sit there and say you know dealing with the military is different
and special or if your spouse is a vet you know that's a different kind of animal but
in a way it is.
You know and I don't I have a hard time understanding it partly because I am a vet partly because
I was raised around vets and military people.
I'm trying to get a better understanding of like from your point of view.
It's just you know sometimes I just shrug myself well we're the military.
It's like that's what happens.
You know but it was yeah so it's like it is it's it's there's a lot of stuff out there
and you know whether it be PTSD whether it be a mental health diagnosis you know any
of the multiple you know if meds are involved or not involved you know it's just the it's
the recognizing when your spouse or your friend or whoever loved one they might need a little
extra help from time to time.
But it's it's how do you handle that and how do you approach them with that and say hey
I love you.
I'm looking out for you I care.
I want to make sure you're okay.
Yeah I would say I don't I don't want to go ditto to everything that we just said but
I I would almost ditto everything that we just said genuinely.
Flippantly at all and you know that that's not my heart.
Because again as much as early on in our relationship in our marriage when I as you say lovingly
kicked you in the tail and said get up we're going to the pool now and we're going to get
some vitamin D and we're going to float and I don't care if you can't walk we're going
to I'll put you on a big old inner tube and you're going to float around a lazy river.
And but I would you could also testify to know that I don't kick you in the tail on
a regular basis.
That's not what I do.
There's more times than not then it's just me simply just grabbing your hand or kissing
you on the head and or just going up and just holding you until you just you break and break
in a good way not a bad way.
Giving you room and space to feel even if it's not a good feeling in the moment but
reminding you that you're not by yourself when you're walking through this feeling that
I've got you that I'm not going to let you go so far off the deep end that you're not
able to return.
And I think that that's kind of a fear that's a that's a scary space and I see that and
between you and one of my besties and different ones you know that I've had in my life that
I've you know just walk up and how are you?
Hi you do.
Hi.
Hey.
You good?
What's going on?
You know or just that hitting of the shoulder and nudging and you know hey I'm here you
know I think that that would go hand in hand even with the marriage relationships any relationship
even with our children that I'm hearing running across the top of our heads right now.
But it is it's a space of standing back and saying you know I got to love this person
enough to help them fight these demons.
I got to love this person enough to not just fight the demons and just come at it and just
and shoulder essay or try to cut the heads off.
But even there's days where it's it's going to take a strong and mighty sword and then
there's other days where it's going to take the heart playing and and the soothing for
the moment to just kind of say hey.
But the fact is that we still have dominion over this thing even though it may not go
away right now.
The fact is we still have the dominion and we can speak to that thing and it will silence.
It may not completely go away today but the fact is that it's quiet now than when it was
yelling at you like two minutes ago.
So being patient in that knowing that from my standpoint of it there's days where I get
so pissed and you see it in my face.
I mean that's guys listen again this is we are not we don't candy coat it like I'll look
at him some days and go do we just think go for a walk.
What do we need to do.
I don't know.
Have you done any.
What have you done.
You know kind of a frustration angry.
Not necessarily even angry at you just angry at the situation of what the freak.
What can we do.
And it's and it's in those moments that that's where you get to be patient with me because
I want to obliterate that thing like and you do too.
Yeah.
Like it's not like you're holding on like this is my identity.
This isn't who I am.
But this is seems to be monopolizing me right now and I don't know what the freak to do.
I don't know what to say.
Therapist is asking you questions you're like don't know.
Yeah.
I have no idea.
No clue.
That's why you're here.
Right.
No it's not.
OK what are we doing then.
You know so you get frustrated and then I get frustrated with you and then it's like
whoops.
No no.
One of us has got to back up and can't get frustrated and one of us has got genuinely
one of us has got to finally just say hold on.
No no no no.
And that's usually my part which is fine.
Yeah.
I don't mind.
Most days.
Yeah.
You know and that's where I get to stand back and look at you and say this isn't to find
you baby.
No this isn't who you are.
This just happens to be the battle that we're in right now.
Yeah.
This just happens to be where we are and it's we.
Not you.
Not just me.
It's we.
Yeah.
I've got your back.
I'm not going anywhere.
Thicker than better for worse.
This is what we're doing.
Yeah.
And the fact that you're still in the fight with me means that you're better.
You're getting better.
Yeah.
You you haven't given up.
You know even if it's like kind of I'm going to go back and forth a bit.
Like even in the marriages right or the family let's just talk family dynamics.
It's like but it doesn't seem to be getting better.
The fact is that you're still in the fights.
You're still in the fight.
So even if it it doesn't seem like you keep taking the same ground is like two steps forward
one step back kind of whatever you're the fact is you're taking ground.
Yeah.
And even if it's you're just holding ground.
Yeah.
You're beings you're you know you haven't given up.
You haven't given up.
So don't don't give up.
Like don't give up because as long as there is breath in your lungs.
Yeah.
You know I will not give up on you.
You don't give up.
I won't.
You don't give up.
I'll shout that I want to.
You've heard me.
I have.
But then there's those moments where following up with that we also have to shout that we
will not give up.
Yeah.
God I want to give up but I won't.
Right.
God this is too hard but it's not too hard for you.
Yeah.
Reminding and putting it where it belongs.
God I'm weak but I know that you're strong.
God my brain feels scrambled right now but I know that you are the peace in the midst
of the storm.
Yeah.
That you've given me power love and a sound mind.
Sound mind.
Yeah.
And proclaiming those things speaking those speaking the word of God over your minds speaking
the word of God over your marriages speaking the word of God.
Acknowledging yes where the problems are and the things are but not giving it more airplay
than what it should.
Right.
We don't need to have more airplane that airplay than what it needs to.
It just doesn't.
Yeah.
We will not give that any more power than what it's already taken.
And we will continue to take back everything that the enemy stolen plus some.
Yes.
Plus some.
Yeah.
It will be greater than what it was before.
Yes.
And that's what I get to remind you that you get to be better than who you were before.
You are better than who you were before.
Yes.
Period.
Awesome.
Thanks babe.
You're welcome.
I want to cry and scream and yell.
I know you do.
All of the things.
I know you do.
And that's what we need to do for each other.
That's what we get to do for each other.
Yes.
Your spouse is not your enemy.
No.
The thing that your spouse is going through your friend is going through.
The thing that they're going through that's trying to attack them that's the enemy.
Yes.
And that's what we need to go after.
We go after the strongholds, the principalities and the powers of the air.
We start pulling those things down and we command those things to line up with the word
of God that our loved ones will be greater, will be better.
Marriages will be stronger and God will get the glory in the midst of it.
Alright guys, have the best week.
Enjoy the journey.