In this episode, I speak to Miriam Adler, the
founder of La Luna and a relationship coach.
And I must say, as me and her, we took this journey
together and over a few months, we've been coaching
each other. And in that experience, I felt like
this work around inner child was deeply, deeply
powerful and transforming. And she was able to
hold space so much that I could find pieces of
myself and reconnect with certain pieces of myself
by feeling into that little girl that always
lived in me. I felt Miriam's power around inner
child integration and this is why I want to share
her work and her thoughts and her wisdom around
the inner child work here on this podcast. Keep
listening if you want to learn how patterns like
codependency, emotional withdrawal or fear of
abandonment often come from moments in early
childhood. and why you might unconsciously attract
partners who don't commit or give just enough
to keep you hoping but do not truly give you
the love you truly deserve. Why you might struggle
with self -worth and how to heal yourself by
reconnecting to your little child that lives
within. And you will also learn why intellectual
insight alone into this work won't really deeply
change these patterns and how to actually connect
your body into this process and experience profound
healing. You are listening to the Feminine Power
Podcast, your portal into embodiment, feminine
awakening, and the true power of your life force,
sexual energy. I'm your host Mariya Grinina, founder
of Feel, a global platform for feminine embodiment
and a coach for women ready to live with magnetism,
love and full aliveness. If you're ready to rise,
you're in the right place. Follow the show and
let's begin. Yeah, and I've had a beautiful experience
exchanging coaching with you for quite a few
months. and I've had deep highlights. I have
deep highlights for myself about my own inner
child and those highlights that I found and those
stories that I found by working with you are
shaping my life now. There's so much empowerment
in the stories that I uncovered about a little
me inside of myself and I've built so much more
compassion for myself and gained so much more
clarity and therefore Now I'm making better decisions
around my life, around my love life, around my
relationships. And I would love more people to
learn more about what does it mean to heal their
inner child, to build a new relationship with
them, to re -parent them and exchange stories
and revelations that we've had in our journey
together to show people some examples. And before
we dive in, I would love to share your story
with our audience. Tell me who is Miriam Adler
and what does she do and what brought her here?
Oh, big question. Well, who's Miriam Adler? I
think there was a moment in my path that was
very, when I think back what really brought me
on this path and what brought me sitting here
today was actually an incredible feeling of...
lostness of who I am. So when you ask me the
question of who is Miriam Adelaide, it always
brings me back of this deep soul searching that
I felt since I ever could remember, like in my
teens, in my early twenties, like in these formative
years where I felt so disconnected of who I actually
was. And rather than connecting to who I am and
my authenticity, I was very much trying to please
my parents few of me or their expectations of
me. And actually some of these expectations they
had of me was actually illusionary expectations
that I put on myself. So I grew up with this
very quiet perfectionist voice inside of me of
constantly wanting to do better. And I remember
one time, I think many times walking home after
school from having done tests and I was really
good in school. I was a very good student. And
I would just dissect the tests that I did. Like,
I'm like, okay, what did I do? I did bad and
here I could have done better. And this voice
of dissecting myself and wanting to do better
kept following me in in everything I was doing.
Then it was in my early 20s, it was directed
at my body. I felt like, oh my God, I needed
to perfect my body and look better. And somehow
I got drawn into the world of modeling. So after
I finished school, there was this moment where
I was like, OK, I could go to Harvard. I could
go to all these universities and and study medicine
like the path that was given to me. But again,
I was like so lost of who I am. But there was
a voice inside of me that was like, you're not
going to choose anything that doesn't feel like
your truth. And I didn't really know back then
what that was, right. But, and then I kind of,
like I said, I got lost in the world of modeling
and it was a world where I deeply disconnected
from my body. And, and I felt, oh my God, I lost
my period for six years. I, I was like in this
constant. dieting and binge eating and just like
very much like punishing myself. And there was
this voice inside that kept knocking off like,
Oh my God, what are you doing with your life?
What are you doing with your life? What are you
doing with your life? And that kind of started
to get louder and louder. And the beautiful thing
about also intimate relationships is like I was,
I was in a relationship back then and also that
broke apart because obviously intimate relationships
are such mirrors so it felt like everything in
my life kind of like crumbled and in that crumbling
where I just couldn't hold the outer shell of
perfection anymore my path really started and
with that was a deep reconnection to actually
all the moments in my life that I have held suppressed
my feelings. And as you know, we ever talk about
inner child, but when we suppress our feelings
and when we hold ourselves so tightly, there
is such a huge part of our psyche missing, right?
Like the feminine part is torn. totally silenced.
So it took me, I think now it's been 10 years
since that, and it took me actually, and it's
still taking me time to really recover that feminine
essence of mine and nurture that and live in
an integrated woman self. And that is what makes
me sit here today, because over the years of
doing this and obviously seeing myself grow and
step into more power, into more truth, into what
I'm doing today, I also realized like the responsibility
that I have now to actually support other women
through that. Responsibility is a big word, but
actually the deep, yeah, dharma or service that
I could do because I could just see many, many,
many other women suffering from the same split
of their feminine, right? So that's why I'm sitting
here today. Yeah. And tell me about what you
offer now to the world. I'd love to hear and
share more about your treats that are so beautiful
and on all these important subjects for mother
relationship, for love, for feminine. Yeah. So
like I shared, that was more like my personal
path. And then I think five, six years into studying
my own healing journey, it kind of became like
it started, it became really clear that I wanted
to, I wanted to offer that to the world, every
gift that I received. And I founded La Luna,
which now it is my baby, definitely. And it is
collective or a community and a series of life
experiences, retreats, right, that help women.
now also couples, mother and daughters in the
aspects of first of all learning to relate more
truly more authentically to ourselves and then
the relationship that we have with others, with
lovers, with our parents, with family because
I realized that in the end why I'm doing this
work is because I want to I want my relationships
to thrive because my relationships are what makes
my life like obviously the relationship to myself
first but then all the other relationships that
are around me so I wanted to focus my work on
really changing the landscapes of relationships
and what I offer now I mean first of all obviously
I offer like we've done together I offer one
-on -one coaching and these are containers of
three months where I take women but also couples
and actually also man recently through this journey
of really reconnecting. with the heart, with
actually the truth of who they are underneath
all the insecurities and wounds. Because I realized
how many of us still live through our wounds.
And we will discuss what that looks like when
we live life through our wounds rather than through
the open heart, through actually the vastness
of who we really are. And then with La Luna I
offer retreats because I really strongly believe
in the power of group work and in the power of
being present in one space. Different retreats,
one is for women around embodying their feminine,
one is for singles and couples around the relationship
between masculine and feminine and really learning
to embody these energies within you so that then
your relationships can actually thrive and also
a retreat that is directed to actually solving
these relational patterns that we talked about
today. And the other avenue that I've been going
down is leading mother and daughter retreats
around healing the mother wound. Yeah, that's
beautiful. They look truly amazing and I love
that you cover different styles of relationships
and so many veterans can come up in those journeys
that they need integration and I would love...
to talk about those things that you've seen coming
up for people in your work, whether be it a coaching
or be it retreats around what we want to talk
about, the inner child. I mean, what I see is
that it's at the core of everything. And what
I see is that so many of us, or if not all of
us, have a little child inside that somehow We
are not fully aware of because a lot of these
beliefs and certain insecurities are actually
within the unconscious. We are not aware that
it's actually our inner child that is driving
our lives. And what I see is that so often we
end up in relationships or we end up in even
work -wise or we end up in situations where we
actually don't realize how much of that situation
is called upon through a negative belief that
has been implemented in childhood. So, for example,
this week I was working with three clients and
it was really powerful because what I saw is
they all had very different childhoods, but somehow
similar beliefs started to form of like, I'm
invisible, I'm not seen, or I'm not important.
And these beliefs are obviously formed through
certain impactful scenarios or certain impactful
experiences that happened in our lives. as children
or as adolescents that we weren't able to fully
process. So what happens is that I start to uncover
triggers with people. For example, I'm going
to just share the story of a client of mine because
it's going to help visualize it more. So she
experienced a trigger. And obviously triggers
are gold because triggers always show us where
there is something unprocessed in our lives.
So when something triggers us, rather than projecting
it outwards and thinking it's the other person
that is doing something wrong, actually, if it
triggers us, if it moves something in us more
than... it more than something normally would,
right? So we get really aggravated or our mind
starts to raise or we experience a body sensation.
Something really impacts us. We know that the
essence or the core of that trigger happened
way before... allows us to surface an emotion
that somehow has been trapped in our body and
has been happening way before this scenario that
is happening now. So trigger is always gold.
And so my client, she was very triggered by her
mother taking over her life. Like her mother
watches her children a lot and she felt like
her mother was kind of like taking over her role,
right? So she felt pushed to the side. So we
went to the core emotion of that trigger and
she was like, oh yeah, I feel pushed to the side
with my mother. And then in that process, through
breathing, like it always works, like I always
invite the client to bring an increased amount
of... breath through the body because then the
breath actually opens up old memories and we
can actually access memories that we wouldn't
usually access. So she traveled back in time
to the first time ever she felt pushed to the
side. And the first time ever she felt pushed
to the side was a memory with her mother where
she felt where she felt not seen, where she felt
kind of disregarded, where she felt like her
mother didn't, you know, where her mother didn't
take care of her the way she needed to be taken
care of. So she was envisioning herself standing
in the corner, feeling pushed to the side. And
in that memory, we then got to the core of what
happened when she felt pushed to the side. She
then started to react with shutting down, with
becoming robotic, with trying to like, with trying
to please. So, you know, she wouldn't no longer
feel it. So she tried to be extra nice to her
mother so she would be seen. And so she kind
of disregarded and abandoned herself. Right.
And then when she was going through that memory
and really feeling that and connecting to that
child in that memory, And breathing, she was
actually able to have the release of the emotions
of that child, to actually feel her sadness and
her pain and also her anger that she felt in
that moment, but never allowed herself to feel.
So that emotion was still stuck in her body.
Right. And then by her releasing that and actually
calling upon her grown up self now. that is able
to hold that emotion that is no longer a child
that is the victim of it but actually is able
to hold it securely she was able to find safety
in herself and in that memory and then i asked
her what she would tell the child as that grown
-up self now and she was like you have space
you deserve to take up space so that would what
That's what she told the child. And as soon as
the child heard, she heard that even more tears
came and her whole body posture changed rather
than being contracted and making herself invisible
and living through that whole body started to
open and take up space. And then I asked her
to take that taking up space into her. future
or into her present moment self. And then she
was able to actually see how she would react
to triggers now differently, rather than making
herself small again or pleasing again or collapsing
again. Now she started to realize when that feeling,
that trigger comes online and that negative belief
of like, I don't have space or I'm pushed to
the side. Now she can say, you deserve to take
up space to herself and actually change the imprint
somatically, take a breath, ground her feet.
And in that moment, rather than, yeah, like I
said, avoiding or collapsing or pleasing, she
can actually move towards the person and act
and respond differently than she had all her
life. Right. And that is how we change our lives,
because we no longer are living through our wounds,
but we're actually living through Yeah, we are
living through our grown -up selves rather than
our children now and we actually get to lead
life from a very, yeah, from a very empowered
stance rather than a stance of being the victim
of our negative beliefs and then with therefore
also attracting obviously everything, you know,
I will attract situations if my belief was you
know, I'm pushed to the side, I will obviously
constantly attract situations that I'm pushed
to the side. So now she doesn't need to attract
that. I mean, I feel like we can share a couple
more experiences because these examples are usually
some of the best ways of learning and understanding
what can happen when an inner child gets integrated.
I'll share mine. I'll share my experience of
integrating a moment from the past that I now
use in my relationships that truly help me to
connect deeper rather than acting from insecurities.
And indeed, I feel like the most powerful part
of healing inner child is to learn to not act
from insecurities and fears that our inner child
has learned long time ago when she was small
and vulnerable, when she couldn't protect herself.
Now knowing that as an adult I make my decisions,
I'm a strong person and I am the one who guides
myself in life, I can stand up and empower myself
and act from a different place of power. But
if I don't heal my inner child, unconsciously
and subconsciously I act still from those insecurities
as if I don't have the power I actually truly
have now. And that's what makes a difference
when you heal your inner child and when you don't.
So my example would be from our coaching sessions
where I figured through this body exploration
that in my relationships with men, in my love
relationships with men and my romantic relationships,
I've always had this pattern which made me detach
from them. even though it would be a safe relationship,
a committed relationship, there would be moments
when I'd detach and somehow just go into my own
safe space, avoiding intimacy. And those moments
were about when my men would want to just do
something fun for themselves without me or...
receive an exciting invitation or basically do
something without necessarily involving me. Which
with my conscious mind I find pretty toxic. I
would want my man to feel free and enjoy himself
and there is abundance of everything that we
can do together. I consciously would understand
that and I want to be an empowered woman and
a confident woman but something in me would always
tell me Oh, look at that! He's gonna do that
now without you. Maybe he's gonna have so much
fun there that you will no longer be even needed.
Like, there is this toxic voice and that would
make me detached. And I would go and find something
else to do for myself. Instead of just sitting
with the feelings and taking them as a part of
our exciting life together, I would... need to
go and take something else for myself so that
I feel like I'm secure. I can always be good
without him. And exploring this pattern, which
is quite a light pattern, wasn't like a big trauma
or anything, apparently led me to a big trauma.
that I found through this exploration that it
was when I was about one and a half years old
when I've had this amazing relationship with
a book of my mother that was always mine and
was always given to me and I had such a privilege
of having it all to myself and then my sister
was born and suddenly this book is no longer
for me. suddenly someone else is with it and
I no longer have this access. And that made me
feel like if something good is given to someone
else, I will be left out and I'll be left behind
and I have luck and I really need to fulfill
this need elsewhere. And back then when I was
a year and a half, my grandmother has given me
an alternative, her boob. She would put me on
her stomach and I didn't suck her boob but I
would like play with it, I would still feel safe.
So I kind of told my mom in my mind you know
what you don't give me the boob I'm gonna find
it elsewhere. And since then growing up in all
my intimate relationships if I wouldn't get 100
% of something I would detach and tell them you
know what I'm going to get it elsewhere and I'll
prove myself that I can get it elsewhere, which
of course would not create deeper intimacy that
I truly desire. I don't want it to detach from
my loved ones every time they just want to have
fun or want to do something good. And by meeting
myself back then when I was this little child
and learned that pattern, I could create clarity.
And I could reparent my little girl and I'd go
into that breath work it led me through and I
would meet her and be like, it's okay. There
is enough for everyone. You are fine. You don't
need to run anywhere and take anything from anyone.
You're fine. There is abundance. You can always
be fed and you can just walk through life with
confidence that you can have anything you want
and you don't need to take it from someone. And
you don't need to run away if you don't get it
immediately. And now in my relationships, when
my relationship with my man, I am feeling much
more empowered. He can have fun. I can have fun.
We all can have fun. There is abundance of boobs,
which I tell to myself. It's ridiculous. I could
tell to myself, there is enough of that food
that can be provided at any moment. That's okay.
So, it can feel abstract, but for me, in that
moment, it really made sense. And I could recoup
this little piece of myself that was struggling.
And having said that, so my little trauma was
not that significant or painful, right? My mother
did not really abandon me. But for me, when I'm
here in a house, that meant Oh my God, my entire
world, my entire food supply is not taken away
and given to someone else. And by re -parenting
myself when I'm an adult and I consciously understand
these things, I empower myself. And that's what
I wish for people to start paying attention to
these little things that actually can be so big.
I love what you're saying. I mean, I remember
that moment really well. And I think the beautiful
thing is like you're saying, it's like we don't
need to experience huge traumas to create patterns
in our life that are actually unconsciously hurting
us, which is like this pattern of lack, right?
That so many of us have, right? I mean, I've
been healing that as well. And it's like, whoa,
like when we speak about patterns in your life,
I think what is important for people that listening
is like, what am I repeating in my life that
is hurting me? What am I repeating in my life
that feels like, that actually feels like, yeah,
I guess, yeah, what am I repeating in my life
that is hurting me? Daily practice is what truly
transforms inspiration into embodiment. It is
how this path moves from something you know to
something you truly live. This is why we created
Feel a platform where you can access daily embodiment
sessions, tantric meditations and feminine energy
and sexual energy activations to nourish your
journey day by day. Join the Feel membership
to start your practice and sign up for our newsletter
to stay close to our offerings, our courses,
events and so much more. You'll find all the
links in the episode description. We all repeat
things in our life that is hurting us. We all
have these like spiraling, whether it's in relationship
or in job or in certain circumstances that when
we actually become aware and we're like, whoa,
like it's not the man. It's actually, it started
way before that because I've been repeating the
same pattern with any man that I've been dating.
Right. And that is then a beautiful invitation
to then dig deeper. And I think like you're saying,
one thing is cognitively understanding it and
going back to the memory like we did and feeling
that. But the other thing that I think is so
missing from therapy these days or from psychotherapy
these days is actually the somatic and like implementing
the somatic and the primal system into that.
So implement or inducing that experience with
actually allowing you to feel because It wasn't
just important that you understood your pattern
and what happened in the past. It was actually
important for you through breathwork and through
even light movements to travel back to that memory,
find yourself and then somatically feel what
safety feels like in your body through breath
and through obviously visualization and through
holding yourself and talking to yourself. So
your nervous system actually was able to release
the anxiety that it felt when I was a child and
the pain and it was replaced with actual safety.
And it was like, wow, my love, you're totally
safe. And rather than having that cognitively
understood, to have it being felt in the body
and then being able to go back to that memory
each time now another trigger would show up and
being again, reminding yourself of that somatic
feeling of safety. That's, I think how we change.
patterns. So it's important to bring the body
into that process. Yeah. So thanks. Thank you
for sharing. It was so beautiful. It's such a
powerful thing to do because then in integration
in everyday life, I can just remember that place
and talk to my ear child in a moment. Like, look.
It's not like that. It's not like that. We have
everything now. It's not that moment. And you've
actually always had everything. It was okay to
share. Yeah, exactly. And you were describing
your shadows so beautifully because what happens
is we feel the pain of lack. It's like, where's
the boob, right? You feel the pain of lack. And
what happens then is you start to protect yourself,
which that is your shadow. And your shadow in
that case was like... I'm going to do it all
myself. I'm independent. I don't need you. I'm
going to replace you. I'm going to take from
somebody else, right? Like that is your shadow.
And even visualizing your shadow, who's like
kind of like, you know, it always helps to have
kind of a visualization of that. And by you understanding
that that is your reactivity and by actually
really knowing that when that shadow comes back
online, this kind of impulse with your partner
of like he's doing something beautiful. And then
you're like, You know, I'm going to now replace
you with something else, right? Because I don't
want to be vulnerable. Now you're like, whoa,
this is my shadow response. And actually, the
only thing that can ever steal from me is my
own shadow, because my own shadow is actually
what's now going to take my experience of abundance
away from me, because the shadow is like, there
is not enough, so I'm going to just take everything
from somebody else. So the shadow. destroys actually
our life and the abundance and the fullness of
what is here. So when we develop that relationship
with our shadow, obviously we can smile it and
we're like, my love, here you are again, right?
But then we can also develop boundaries with
that shadow voice, which is so massively important
to not let that take over our experience. I find
in this work, in inner child integration, creating
new boundaries and creating this talk with them,
creating an ability to speak with your inner
child and describe to them the boundaries and
parent them as good parents would be so important.
And this ability can definitely be developed
and built. And it's so exciting. Sometimes when
I explain it to people who haven't done this
work, They're like, are you crazy? You have to
speak to so many parts of you. You basically
speak with yourself all the time. But in reality,
it is a powerful skill and a new ability you
can create that makes you so empowered. Perhaps
you can share a little more about these boundaries
and this re -parenting. So, like I shared, the
boundary and re -parenting. is a process that
I have to become aware when that voice inside
of me is speaking, when the voice of my wound
is speaking, or when the voice of my limiting
belief is speaking, or when the voice of that
shadow part of me is speaking that wants to tell
me, like, you're not loved, or look, I knew it,
like, he's preferring other women over there,
right? Like, we have... When we start to become
conscious of that voice, it's very repetitive.
It's very like, it kind of always tells us the
same, same story over and over again. So then
the boundary with that voice looks like that
in the moment that I catch it, I'm actually gonna
just say with a lot of love, right? My love,
like I... don't no longer need to, because I
actually feel safe. Because what happens is that
this voice actually wants to protect us, right?
This voice wants to, it learned to make us feel
safe through acting in a certain way. So now
the boundary looks like, okay, I'm interrupting
that and I'm actually tuning into safety in my
body, taking a breath and like... slowing down
and then I even have a visualization for that
voice for me it's a bird that is like and I'm
like and I'm in that vision I'm just like soothing
it and I'm giving it a bit of like like seeds
to eat and I'm like okay and I'm like thank you
so much and then I'm gonna actually replace that
with my grown up woman self voice with the voice
of trust, right? I'm just tuning in and I'm like,
okay, what is really true now? And with that,
what is really true now, I get to challenge the
belief system. I get to challenge the truth of
these thoughts. And I'm like, okay, like, is
that really true? Right? Is that really true?
No, I already know it's not true. And I think
it's very quick. It's quite quick. Like once
you've done it once and twice and three times,
you're kind of like, it's just like a separation
from that voice and the reparenting of that.
looks like at least for me. I mean, maybe I say
a personal example for that actually. What a
pattern of mine was and what I had to reparent
was the feeling of something in love was lacking.
Like I would experience with any man that I would
date this feeling of somehow after a while of
somehow not feeling like the priority or not
feeling important enough or there was that feeling
of lack of like feeling unloved right and I realized
over the years I'm like it's for sure not dependent
on the man because I've experienced the same
feeling over and over again right so what I What
I had to go back to was the memory of myself.
Also, my sister was born when I was four, five,
and feeling that she took over my life. She took
over my mother. She took all the attention away
from me. So I started to believe that I'm not
important. So now, actually, this little girl
that believed that she's not important started
to actually direct my other relationships. When
I felt that which was really important for me
was an actual and with that started to form an
anxious attachment pattern like I would be like
reaching out and like I would get extremely Yeah,
I would get extremely anxious and full of panic
when I wouldn't get what I actually wanted and
I would feel very unsafe very unsafe and I actually
needed to go through a detachment process with
my partner, where I had to face my fear of actually
losing him and not being his biggest priority.
And in that, really facing my deepest fear in
that moment of loss, I was able to re -parent
that because the pain was becoming so loud. And
rather than to react to the pain by soothing
it through him or soothing it through a message,
I had to learn to soothe it myself. And that
is reparenting, because in these moments that
this fear would get so loud or this panic would
get so loud, I would be like, OK, Miriam. And
I would almost see myself like... As a grown
-up looking at my little child, it was almost
like I was witnessing this little part of me,
this very fragile part of me in total angst.
And I would like breathe into her and hold her
and I would tell her like, you're safe now, like
I got you. And in this I got you, she was able
to really release all the tears and all the pain.
And it wasn't necessarily memories attached to
them. It was just like my nervous system was
just releasing the sensations of having been
left out and not being held the way that I needed
to be held. In that, when I started to realize
that I'm no longer the unsafe child, that I no
longer need to, but now I'm actually able to
hold the emotion of loneliness that was underneath.
And I was able to hold the emotion of sadness
that was underneath. It did no longer control
my life. So I think a really big part of reparenting
is learning that we can hold our emotions, that
we are no longer slaves of, or that we are no
longer children that need to be soothed by somebody
else, but that actually we are grown -ups that
are able to breathe through our emotions, whether
it's pain, grief. anger, right? And that we can
make that emotion feel safe enough to be fully
processed rather than suppressed. And when we
learn to hold these emotions as grownups, that's
how we re -parent our inner child. Because rather
than reacting to that emotion, now we move through
it and then come back into a state of alignment
and presence. And then act from that alignment
and presence rather than from the reactivity
of that emotion, if that makes sense. That definitely
does. What's really beautiful to see here is
your ability and ability of people who learn
to do this inner child healing to soothe, right?
It is as if you meet that little girl who lives
inside. and hug her and love her and give her
what she actually wanted back then. And it's
like the need suddenly gets satisfied and no
longer she needs to cry and shout for it and
claim it because it's given. What do you feel
like are the most common patterns people face
that come out of this wounded inner child? Yeah,
that's a beautiful question. I think the most
common patterns or the patterns that I see are
either a collapse which looks like pleasing.
or a learned way of not raising your voice, of
doing anything possible that you're not losing
love and with that kind of, rather than standing
in your authenticity and truth and strength,
you basically abandon yourself or you've learned
to abandon yourself and make somebody else's
truth your truth. And I see that in many women
and I see that in many men, actually. And then
man, it's like this Mr. Nice guy, right, that
is like has learned to please mama because if
he doesn't please mama, mama gets really angry
and mama withholds love or mama gets controlling.
And so now he's like catering to to mama and
doing all the right things, trying to do all
the right things. But he's actually abandoning
himself in the process and he's Losing his own
authority in life and the sad part about a man
that is in that pattern right is actually that
he Yeah, he he does anything to please his woman
But somehow his woman still doesn't feel it's
enough and she actually loses attraction to him
because she is like she actually wants his authority
and she wants his truth and he she wants his
strength and he's doing anything but you know,
in this doing anything, he is actually losing
what he wants the most, right? Which is, which
is his woman. And it's a very, it's a very, uh,
it's a very like, it's very sad to actually see
this pattern. It is so common. It's unbelievable.
I remember myself in very early days of dating.
Actually, first time I did this, I was about
15 years old when I started testing men how far
I can push them. And if I can push them far,
I'd break up. And I've done that so many times
when I was like, especially when as a teenager
in my early years, I wasn't so conscious about
being kind and compassionate. I rather was playing.
And I remember doing this on purpose, pushing
a guy to check how hard can he bend? And the
harder he'd bend... the less attracted I'd become.
And it's so sad to see this, how many people
would really bend for love thinking that this
is the right thing to do and definitely comes
from this really early wound. And then how sexy
it is to see a man who can set a boundary. I'd
be like, please do this and that. And I'd be
like, no, you need to pace it out. And I'd be
like, yes, okay, now I want to stay in this relationship.
Unbelievable. Yeah, because it's like I think
it's it's obviously we test it's a power dynamic
and we always will test Are you powerful enough
to hold me? Right and if I'm able to just push
the guy over right like with my little fingertip
and he bends down to me Obviously then I'm in
this like I lose respect for somebody that doesn't
respect himself right and that's that's really
important to know and the healing for a man in
this pattern like you're saying happens if he
learns to go back to that like these traumatic
memories where he felt that his voice didn't
matter where he felt that his mother would like
explode in anger at him and he felt scared and
frightened and now he needs to bring his voice
into these memories and bring his power into
these memories and not fear anymore losing the
feminine, but actually standing up for him because
that's where it comes from. He was afraid to
lose mama, then now he's afraid to lose his woman.
And I think when a man really faces this fear
of losing somebody and realizes that, OK, even
if I lose you, my life is potent and beautiful
and abundant. And yes, you are the flower in
my life, but my life is going to continue to
thrive. And with that, knowing of that, he then
doesn't operate from fear of loss, which when
you operate from fear of loss, your relationships,
it's like you're actually operating from a disempowered
state, right? And that is always going to be
felt on the other side. I think this is an important
pattern and I think another, obviously we also
see this, both of us, I mean we both do women's
work, right? We both see this a lot in women
the same way and so many women learn to abandon
themselves and that looks by... dating somebody
that you know doesn't respect them or or trying
like to look for breadcrumbs and that is then
the self abandonment or the self abandonment
and actually being the nice girl and smiling
all the time and like ha ha ha ha when they actually
mean to say no and when they mean to say like
hey this is not okay for me because also as women
we've been taught right to behave to be nice
to be sweet to not be too much And then that
surfaces with that collapsed, adjured self of
behaving of actually, and then we don't even
know anymore what is our truth, right? Because
we're so accustomed to make anybody else's truth
more important than ours. And then that shows...
then that kind of transforms into codependency
and we end up in codependent relationships where
we make somebody else's need more important than
ours. So let's touch on these actually because
this thing of especially women who are dating
and then are settling for this low commitment
for breadcrumbs is so common. It's one of the
major issues that women go into this work for
actually. So where does it come from this breadcrumb
Okayness. Oh, this bread crumb. Okayness, because
obviously at the core of it, it's low self -worth,
right? So I'm going to need to take anything.
Anything is better than nothing. Because we believe
that actually somewhere inside there is a belief
that either we are not worthy for love or we
don't deserve it or we don't deserve love. with
that is like, okay, if I operate from like, I'm
not worthy for love, if somebody even gives me
a tiny little breadcrumb, I'm like, okay, like,
I'm gonna take that because if I'm not taking
that, maybe then I'm not gonna receive anything
else because like, I'm actually, I'm not really
believing myself to be worthy for more than a
breadcrumb, right? And I think at the core of
that is, again, a girl that has learned somehow
to abandon her own self and wait for somebody
else to save her. Because as soon as a woman
learns to retrieve these parts where she's abandoned
herself and waits for somebody else to save her
or protect her or make her feel safe or write
always this external grasping when she takes
that back into herself and actually learns to
make herself feel safe and The more she makes
herself feel safe the less she abandons herself
her truth more. She speaks up the more her nervous
system will operate from this place of safety.
And then actually a man that will give breadcrumbs
won't actually be attracted to her. She won't
be attracted to him anymore because she's like
that doesn't match the safety that I feel inside
So I'm like, I'm not taking these breadcrumbs.
Thank you very much So that is I think how we
yeah how we how we heal how we heal that pattern
Yeah, yeah totally agrees basically to to stop
taking back breadcrumbs one needs to heal the
self -worth in them and to heal the self -worth
in them part of it is to go back into times and
places where you've learned that you don't deserve.
And yeah, but you've learned that just a tiny
bit of something is enough. Yes. And you know,
it is so beautiful. I mean, we, we studied this
together, but we always speak a lot about the
inner mother, right? Like the mothering of ourselves
and the nourishment. And obviously the mother
is the form she teaches us to receive nourishment.
So when we when we actually create a new role
of an inner mother, we re -teach ourselves what
it feels like to receive nourishment. So it opens
our ability to receive and it heals our ability
to receive when we are implementing that kind
of mother archetype in ourselves. But what I
found really important, especially in the realm
of relationships and dating and is actually the
figure of the inner father and I always call
him the witness and for me the witness when I
understood that actually the masculine is the
witnessing presence in me is the one that observes
the one that watches out the one that protects
me the one that is yeah is awareness himself
and the feminine in me is my heart my feelings
my ability to experience life fully when i then
understood that actually i need to my inner witness
is the is the presence that makes me feel safe.
So the more I watch myself with these eyes of
kindness or the more I get to like say to myself
like my love I see you I see how hard you work
like you're doing you know yeah you got this
like you're doing the more I speak to myself
and I witness my own experience like that the
more safe I feel to open and feel and the more
I will be matched by another presence that resembles
this witness that I carry inside of me, because
what I've realized in my own personal life, I'm
like, my own inner witness is quite sharp. It's
like, it's like heart muscle. And it's like,
come on, you can do better. You step straighter.
Like, come on, like get your shit together. What
are you doing? You know? And all of a sudden
I started to see the resemblance of that in my
partner. And he was really strict with me and
like, come on. And I somehow... really loved
his strictness. I'm like, oh yeah, give me more,
tell me off more. Like, but I'm like, why, you
know, I was missing the... the warmth and the
kind of like understanding from him. But then
I realized I'm like, I'm not giving that to my
own self. So I need to upgrade my own inner witness
first, my own inner masculine first, so that
he actually can match that. And this in my own
inner masculine teaches him how to hold me. Right.
So, yeah, that was a big that was a big that
was a big shift of mine. And I practice that
now all day long. I'm like looking down at myself
and then my family. Yeah, it's a beautiful practice.
Yeah, that's at the core of what we're really
sharing is that if people want to live a good
life, the answers are within. And sometimes it's
hard to understand what does it mean? Okay, what
do you mean? Everything I want is within. But
that's exactly about what you're now sharing.
If you want a different... relationship, then
you're checking inside what kind of relationship
you have with yourself. And often, if digging
deep enough, we see that it's exactly matching
the kind of relationships we have on the outside.
So by changing what's inside, we can change what's
on the outside. And your example just showed
that. Yeah. I love always like that, that saying,
like it really stuck with me. Like the only common
denominator in all the relationships that we
have is our is ourselves. So if I know this,
I know that actually it's never about really
the other person. always about me. And that is
greatly empowering because I get to know that
if I upgrade, if I resolve these patterns, if
I actually really have the courage to look at
myself and change these dynamics, I automatically
will change the... the outer relationships that
I have. And I think that's why we're, we're doing
this work really is because we want to live a
good life. We want to live a love -filled life.
We want to, we want to live our life with an
open heart because like, imagine not living your
life with an open heart. It's like the saddest,
yeah, like grayest experience that there is,
right? Like living life from lack. So yeah, it's,
it's. It's beautiful and it never ends. It never
ends. It never ends. It never ends. There is
no end to this road. And I must say that in this
part of and on this path of self -development
and on this path of getting into an amazing life
where our relationships are thriving and we love
ourselves and we have amazing experiences. This
integration of inner child and also re -parenting
and then healing this relationship with inner
masculine and inner feminine that you've touched
upon. Particularly the foundations. There is
nothing without it. It's one of the most important
things. And like you're saying, that relationship
with these childlike parts will stay with us.
forever. It's not like, oh, we healed our wounds,
right? Like, yes, we heal, but like we make whole,
but actually these certain imprints are staying
with us. probably all our lives, you know, it's
just how we relate to them becomes differently.
And it's not going to stop that one day I'm going
to not needing to have to take care of that child
anymore. And I'm not leading to self -soothe
anymore. And I'm not leading to be like, come
back, because that's the condition of being human,
right? Like it's a constant reminder that we
are not separate. And yeah, and I think if we
don't practice this, we definitely, yeah, we
definitely somehow these, these sneaky beliefs
and voices do sneak themselves back in. Right.
And one thing I think that's also beautiful to
mention is like, sometimes we get really tired.
Like, oh my God, like I've been doing this for
10 years and I'm just keep, you know, it keeps,
I keep experiencing like spirals and intensity
and things. And I think it's really important
to know that it's never, it's always gonna like
move in a spiral healing. Like it never is just,
it never just is complete, but what changes is
the actual density and intensity of what comes
up. Or it might still be very intense what comes
up in these explorations. But we are so accustomed
to holding it and there is such a deeper knowing
of who we are and our stability has changed that
actually nothing can blow us over just the same
way. And we actually can move through grief and
pain with way greater openness because we're
less scared. of feeling and I think when we are
less scared of feeling that is what changes all
our lives because you have to think like why
did we protect ourselves in the first place because
we were scared to feel the fullness of our pain
we're scared to feel the fullness of our loneliness
we're scared to feel the fullness of the abandonment
to feel the fullness of the rejection or the
sadness right and when we learn to feel the fullness
of these emotions or things that happen to us,
we lose the fear. Our heart can remain being
open. We no longer need to protect ourselves
and then we can live life through that openness,
which is I think what we want to do. Yes. Yes
and yes and yes. This is a beautiful conclusion
for our podcast. And I wonder if there is, what
would you share with people who are just starting
this path? How could they start their inner child
healing journey? That's a good question. Yeah,
what I would share with people that just started
this path is the importance of finding therapies
that include your body. Like, whether it's breathwork,
whether it's somatic movement, whether it's...
dance, but to find therapies that will allow
you to access these deeper buried emotions and
move them through your body and then allow you
to process and hold them in a more integrated
way. So I think what is really important is not
to just make this a cognitive digging process
of the past of going through the childhood and
speaking about the childhood, but it's actually
not so important. It's not really about the stories.
It's about the feelings that are behind the stories
and for you to find therapies that will allow
you to feel rather than to think. That's 100%.
I couldn't agree more. I'm so happy you've mentioned
that because a lot of people can tend to intellectualize
everything. And when listening to these kind
of things like the broadcasts we've just recorded,
It can be really difficult to approach what we
are sharing just through the mind. Imagine like
researching, okay, so what is inner chat healing?
When does it start? What is the proof? What's
the statistics? Which obviously probably does
not exist. And like how exactly does that work?
And what is the exact step number one? It's not
like that. It is such an intuitive and deep work
and the body is the one that leads this journey.
And to also find a facilitator or therapist that
resonant safety from their body, because you
want to be held by like a motherly love. You
want to be held when you go through these deep
releases by somebody that can induce the space
with that divine motherly love. And that is really
the healing frequency. It's not necessarily logic,
but it's that. power of a mother's love that
can heal anything, right? Like it's, it's really
true. So we learned to embody that in ourselves.
And if we are held by that in a container, it's
immensely powerful. And obviously, I mean, you
called your whole, like you called your whole
work feel, right? Which is, which is beautiful.
It's probably exactly that, right? Or what made
you choose the word feel for It is exactly that,
right? Because by feeling, this is where we are
transforming. There is enough information these
days, everything that's developing in technology
and social media. And I mean, information is
no longer an issue. We don't need to... more
now we need to feel more and that's really the
answer for our development and sharing things
like holding and experiencing that's where treats
are really coming going into an experience where
you can actually be held and witnessed and see
how other people are so powerful working one
-on -one or doing practices even just doing practices
is just so so powerful and intellectualization
is rather can be rather harmful yes if it's approached
that And maybe we give them like one really simple
practice actually that you can start to do every
morning that has changed my experience. Like
I'm going to actually get up and it's a shaking
practice. you soften your legs and with that
soften of your legs the kind of vibration starts
to come through all of your body and by moving
vibration through all of our body our nervous
system gets to through breath sound and that
shaking start to release any places where we
are holding tension and contraction and when
we start to loosen these places where we're holding
tension and contraction and we are able to bring
energy there usually in these places of tension
and contraction there lives these old memories
right or these old or these old emotions that
we weren't able to process and by giving them
breath and movement and sound we're able to move
them through the body so often in the morning
I wake up and I do this I breathe in and out
of the mouth. And especially when I'm moving
through like tender moments where I am triggered
or I am tense or I am, then I'm like really allowing
this emotion to flow through me. And then I usually
experience an emotional release that allows me
to come back to myself and hold myself, right?
And that's, it's a beautiful, potent practice.
Yeah. I mean, I love this practice. It's so important.
I hope more people start their day this way or
do this after work or do this before something
important to release all this tension that's
there. That's pretty normal to collect these
days. Thank you, Maria. I'm so grateful and I
loved our three months together. I mean, you
were sharing what has happened. you worked on,
but I mean, me, I was working on my blood drinking
whore. It's the archetype that I really wanted
to bring forward because I've been my like, we're
talking about conditioning. So my was like my.
pretty nice girl that wants to like also please
and like, and I was able to bring forward that
blood drinking whore that doesn't give a damn
and she takes what she wants. And so yeah, this
work can become really juicy, you know, really
grateful for the months we shared together. I
love guiding you towards your blood drinking
whore. Owning it and making it juicy and sexy
is just so good. Such a bastard power. Such a
bastard power. That was Miriam Adler on the Feminine
Power Podcast. If you'd like to learn more about
Miriam's offerings and her retreats, please check
this episode description. And I have a great
news. Miriam will be teaching inner child healing
inside the next cohort of our signature course
Feminine Power Blueprint. Coming up this autumn.
And if you are interested, you are invited to
join the waitlist. You can find the link in the
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Coach. And if you want to connect with me, check
the episode description.