What is masculine energy?
And what does it do for us?
How can we balance it and also learn to embody more of it when we need it?
Why does everyone speak about toxic masculinity and most of us are missing the point about
the divine masculine?
How can we support men more and see more of them thrive?
How can we see more masculine men around us?
Those who have balanced energies, understand their feminine but also are deeply connected
and expressive of their divine masculine?
How does sexual shame affect men these days?
And how can men break out of it and become empowered multiragasmic lovers?
Welcome to this episode about all things masculine energy and men's sexual energy.
And in this episode I speak to Sean Ford Kelly, an executive coach, certified sex educator,
angel investor and philanthropist.
He's the founder of Come What May, a sex ad non-profit that I invite you to check out
in this episode description as you may want to join one of their free circles that are
deeply, deeply empowering.
And you can learn more about them in this episode.
For now, let's hear Sean's story.
For us women, it is possible to have it all and embody our truth and power in all areas
of life.
Feminine Power Podcast is your guide to reconnecting with your feminine essence, reclaiming your
power and arising into your fullest potential.
I'm your host Maria Grinina, co-founder of Feel, the feminine embodiment platform.
And here on this podcast I interview our expert community and our members and we together
share transformative tools, intimate conversations and embodiment practices, bringing you a wealth
of wisdom and practical tools to support your journey.
Follow this podcast for your weekly inspiration and if you'd like to go deeper into your
embodiment journey and the awakening of your sexual energy, check out our online membership
linked in this podcast description.
So I grew up from humble beginnings, I guess, from a council estate in Manchester.
I went through the usual path of school and university and through my university years
I wanted to rebel as most people do from their childhoods and because there wasn't a lot of
financial stability in my youth, I got into financial economics and I went as rich as
possible and drive Lamborghinis in London and over to New York and be the wolf of Wall
Street.
And then as I finished university the financial crisis was still in play, this was 2010.
I was applying for jobs and I remember my life changed on a job interview.
I had an investment banking interview with Bank of America Merrill Lynch in UK and if
I was to get that job I was to stay in the UK if not I was to go and travel and luckily
that's the only job interview that I didn't get the job and I travelled through the US
and went to Fiji and then I spent nine years in Australia and I had a crossroads of what
my life was to turn out to be.
I decided to let investment banking go and the financial world go and really follow my
life and follow the path of lifestyle design that was beautifully put in the four hour
work week by Tim Ferriss which was a huge inspiration in my life at the time.
So I kept travelling, I ended up receiving sponsorship in Australia and yes I built a
life there in the corporate world still in the recruitment space and then fast forward
a few years to Covid and I was in the UK visiting friends and family and my flight back to Australia
got cancelled and I had to build a new life in Europe.
I ended up in Ibiza and this is where my spiritual and personal development started to grow.
I let go of my business in Australia to become a coach which I realised I had been a coach
for the past ten years but in a different form and then I stumbled across my passion
project which was I have come what may which I'm sure will get into a little bit more which
now is my baby and we've supported thousands of people along the way so that's a brief
introduction to how I've got to where I am in this moment.
I want to tell my story how I met you and my first deep encounter with you was on this
coaching call that you gave me, executive coaching call where I was pleased with how
you hold space, how much respect you give for me as a woman, as a young woman entrepreneur
and how much encouragement I receive and also how much insight I receive from you just asking
the right questions and holding the space but mostly what really stayed with me as the
biggest takeaway was that embodiment exercise that you guided me through where I addressed
my challenge of being able to resolve conflict and speak up or ask for what I want in the
moment because I do a lot of work for myself to be an empowered woman but there are so
many things that still in my way I work through and that was something very, very deep in
me like how to in the moment ask exactly for what I want so we did that embodiment exercise
where you guided me through visualization and connection to my direct energy, to my
masculine energy and I could visualize the tunnel and my animal that supports me also
in the tunnel and how my energy that's that's that protective and direct and forward looks
like and therefore after we had that call I was able to carry that with me in my life
so be able to tap into that energy and actually visualize and imagine it when I need to ask
for something and that's a takeaway I could have for my entire life.
One amazing well done you for being able to spot and guide and suggest the right thing
and also to what the power of embodiment and energy what what what what the thing is this
power because you know I don't think I can have the same effect and the same tool to
carry with me if it's just intellectual but that real you know the combination of intellectual
reasoning and that deep embodiment and energy is something like so so powerful and I'm grateful
for that and that's why I brought you on this podcast to talk about that energy that masculine
energy that you showed me from that perspective but also masculine energy in the wider context
of what's happening now in the world in the wider context of what that means to us in
ourselves in in our relationship with our masculine lines well all of us have masculine
energy I feel like it's very important to recognize and also then speak about masculinity
which is a whole other big topic that I feel like we just must bring it up even though
the podcast's main audience is I mean the audience is about 75 percent female and I am
excited to share with women more about this important topic and yeah would love to set
the stage for you so Sean would you like to first tell me more about the session we had
why did you choose that exercise and how do you usually work with embodiment?
Firstly thank you for the words, it is a really enjoyable session, every coaching session
is completely different and intuition leads the right way to go and for you in particular
I remember the words that you used in terms of wanting to change the way that people perceived
your energy especially when you're going into the bigger meetings the big vision meetings
maybe investor meetings and that in the past maybe some people had seen you as the pretty
cute girl and lovely and beautiful but warm and loving and people were wanting to invest
in you because of this amazing energy that you have but in that coaching session you
wanted to take a step further you wanted to be a lot more assertive you wanted to take
a place of more power so that you felt that you were meeting people as equals and not
just this cute woman who's coming and asking for money for a business whereas actually
you are a powerful woman with a powerful business that wants to really do some beautiful things
in the world so I really felt that sort of step up from you in terms of wanting to sort
of take your place and in business there has to be that masculine element there has to
be that the knowledge within sales of when to turn it into a meeting into a...
sort of cutthroat sales aspect to it rather than just talking and floating and being chaotic
when do we actually stop that and turn to business and I think in that call and coaching
session that we had there was some tips there for you to really take the reins and be assertive
and take the masculine to lead conversations in the way that you wanted to but also to
embody that feeling and embody the masculine essence to take control of the different situations
and push them towards the way that you wanted them to go to.
That is so true for me it's a big challenge still ongoing but I feel like since the time
we had a session and up until now I got already so much better at that if me having a nice
girl problem it's like a nice girl issue I've been carrying which actually was so helpful
to me in my life but I just outgrew it and I for a very long time I still would lean
into this comfortable space of a very nice girl that just people want to help rather
than the powerful woman that people want to follow and I must say that was one of my pivotal
moments was that session so thank you and thank you for describing your protest.
And then in that coaching call what we actually looked at then was okay so we did a sort of
meditation to start to bring in some words of what the masculine feels like to you.
So words such as being assertive and protective and very direct like these sort of words that
we associate with the masculine to actually to meditate and to really drop into the body
and feel where in the body that these feelings come from.
And then we went into a sort of embodiment of the animal like when we connect to this
masculine essence like what animal comes up to you what where do you feel power that exercise
in itself has been incredibly important for me in my journey of embodying my own masculine
and my darker masculine and when I need to show up.
And yet it's been a really important tool through my whole life and so not through my
whole life over the past couple of years as I've been more embodying this business person
and it's also helped within my personal life as well and I do have a story of that embodiment
if you if you would like me to go into that.
I had my first child just in the six months ago which has been a real beautiful addition
to my life my little girl and the birth process was not that simple.
It ended up being 48 hours and we were at home for 30 hours and then had to go to the
hospital and eventually had to have a C-section.
And the aspect of giving birth that nobody really told me about as the father was I didn't
expect I kind of knew it was going to happen but I didn't expect it and it was only until
I felt it I suppose that's what wisdom is to see my partner in so much pain for so long
and it was heartbreaking and there were certain moments through the through the birthing process
when obviously I'm just sat there holding my partner's hand while she's screaming contractions
every every few minutes and just being there being the rock being this masculine presence
and when and the doctor we tried to give birth at home and when the water broke and there
was mcconum in the water so we had to then go to the hospital and the doctor said that
and I could have burst into tears like I was holding all this emotion from from seeing my
partner being in so much pain and I held that back and then we were in the hospital kept
going and there was an inner fear in me that I was going to lose them both and this was
a fear that had had been with me throughout the pregnancy which was deep in my mind it
wasn't something that I was feeling on a daily basis but it was there it was present that
both my partner and my little girl were going to die and when the decision was made to go
in and have a c-section they did say because we had tried and to give birth that the baby's
head was was low and there could be complications and when the as my partner was taken away
on the trolley and they had allowed me to go into the room as I was taken off into another
part of the world to get changed and put my scrubs on and in that moment that was the
first time I was really left alone and I just wanted to break down like there's so much
emotion there that I just needed to cry but I was like if there's one moment in my life
where I need to step into my masculine and be there and support my partner it's right
now yeah and as I mentioned before we we embodied this power animal inside my power
animal is a gorilla so what I do I embody I beat my chest and I know that kind of well
like yeah so I did that in this in this hospital ward there was like just to embody embody this
masculine but while I'm putting the scrubs on it was like and it worked and and I was
I held back my emotions I went into the went into the delivery room and yeah within 30
seconds there our little girl was passed to me I know that some people may be listening
and be like okay the it's not very good for some men to hold back their emotions but I
knew that the emotions would come later and but in that moment it was that tool this connecting
to my masculine and power animal this tool of embodiment that I had been taught a few
years ago which really supported me and I've been able to have these tools to step into
these different parts of ourselves when we need it can be incredibly important yeah well
goes goes bombs here in this story I can't imagine how hard that was but also must really
share the appreciation for the masculine energy here this is why it is so essential in this
world for someone like right the masculine can can protect and hold space for all these
cows to happen and give it as much safety and protection as possible so I am proud of
you how you held that and I'm so glad it in the end of the day to all ended up pretty
well and your baby so beautiful and so calm this is a story that really shows how important
it is to one acknowledge the power of the masculine and to practice it right you remembered
your exercise how amazing it is that's what I can also do but of course my my situations
haven't been that difficult yet but this one is the exact example of how important this
whole is tell me please your definition of the masculine energy so firstly it's important
to say before we go into conversations like this it's easy to drop into labels of I'm
masculine I'm feminine this part of me is masculine I act in a certain way because
of this whereas actually on the integrated level we all have masculine and feminine
essences yeah masculine and feminine isn't necessarily to do with gender it's not about
male and female if you connect it to a Eastern philosophy and we look at yin and yang the
masculine will be seen as the yang and it is has more of a bias for action it's very
much outgoing whereas the yin is more receptive and it has a bias for flow so in terms of
the sort of a divine masculine the masculine essence can be competitive and competition
can be a positive thing you're looking at assertiveness protectiveness they're very
much goal orientated rational independent and and they're quite precise and pick one task
move it over over a few whereas you look at the feminine and the masculine is usually
competitive feminine is collaborative when masculine is assertive the feminine is receptive
when a masculine is protective the feminine is nurturing so we have both of these aspects
and we tend to think as masculine as being more to do with male bodies because men would
generally have more masculine traits than women however with the rise of female and
feminine empowerment I like to see feminism actually sometimes as a paradox because it's
feminism has empowered so many women in the world and but it's also pushed women to be
more masculine and it's trying to push men to be more feminine so we need to look at
these traits within us and know that we are a mixture of everything we all have masculine
and feminine traits but it's important not to not to drop into and completely identify
with particular labels of one or the other because as an integrated being we have all
of these things.
Yeah absolutely and I will provide a bit of my angle here because I know how hard it is
these days for men to even comment on feminists of expression movement and generally on women
because men get so much blame especially in the world of the internet everyone is offended
everyone is triggered so here I want to comment as a woman on the feminist movement one how
amazing it is that women now have equal rights that's I think like that's the most important
thing that's happened and I as a woman want to have an equal right to choose how I want
to live my life and very often especially on the internet and social media on big feminist
publics that are followed by millions of people there is a lot of image of how now a feminist
woman should look like and very often it is very very far from what I want to live my
life like very often I feel like I am being shamed for wanting to perhaps lean more into
my feminine where I want my man to to be more of a provider where I want to be able to maybe
I want to be a stay at home a mom in the future when I complete all my amazing startup endeavors
and a lot of the time those desires are now being a bit shamed or seen as less important
for a woman because what women now needs to be like needs to be a super boss babe while
it's not necessarily what all of us want all the time that's just one example but there
are lots of ways where feminist movement can be a bit distorted if you are resonating with
this episode and you are ready to take your embodiment journey to the next level I invite
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the podcast description for the link to join our membership and secondly feminine masculine
again it is always in us and therefore I want to switch back into the the healthy and powerful
masculine that first of all we've already seen and discussed in this podcast but secondly
I want to know where should I be looking for masculine as my support firstly just the plan
on your previous sentences I think it's it's important to recognize the geographical differences
between equality for women obviously different different parts of the world are still in
a in a fight for what was in the West have been able to to create the difficult aspect
of this is that we do live in a masculine capitalist world where money is the greatest
target for people so I think it's a lot easier for myself as somebody who has created financial
freedom for himself who is a guest sat on an ivory tower and to be able to comment on
on the world in this way when there's so many people that I fight into survive and to fight
to survive in this world you have to be super competitive and you have to drop into these
negative aspects of masculinity of wanting to get ahead and crush competition and not
being soft or weak or compassionate and working 80 hours a week and looking for like individual
wins rather than the sort of well-being of the whole when you're struggling to survive
and when you are struggling to pay the bills of course you are going to look after yourself
and I think that there are obviously positives to masculinity in terms of where we are with
regard to innovation and the quality of life for billions of people around the world has
been increased exponentially because of this masculine way of being innovative and pushing
society forward however when you've got people at the top that are super rich who are just
hoarding money and creating this competition on the lower levels I find it really difficult
to see how there is a complete way out.
Yeah.
There's a Charles Eisenstein kind of quote and I'm going to be paraphrasing here which
I really align to and he's talking about the fall and the lack of community and that everybody
seems to be talking about community and wanting to be closer to people and however he says
that community started to fail when the things that we used to do for free people then had
to pay for so we've lost these essence of community at a grassroots level because we
started to charge for aspects whether it be cooking for people or child-minding etc when
we started having to pay for all of these and it caused even more separation within
communities and then everything became about money.
These are obviously big sort of existential socio-economic conversations that we're having
and yeah it's difficult to see a way out.
Really starting to embrace in all of us their healthy masculine which is the protective
nature to actually start to want to look after communities and be providers for ourselves
and the people closest to us but also our communities.
How do we support our communities and then how do we support the planet as a whole and
support regions and nations.
The feminist movement has pushed men to be more feminine which has caused a sort of crisis
in masculinity.
Actually what we need is we need these polarities.
We need the masculine, we need the feminine but we need them both in healthy aspects rather
than in the shadow that is causing a lot of pain.
Yeah I mean it is such a complex issue and indeed we aren't able to find answers on how
to create a really balanced world especially in a global scale and how we live in the west
is very different to the rest of the world and I come from Kazakhstan.
And when I travel there now as an empowered woman I can't even speak to any authority
without a man behind my back and by my side because no single word from a woman's mouth
will ever be taken seriously so that's meaning to any kind of even policeman on the street
I need to call my dad to come and talk with me.
So I can definitely relate to the fact that it's like so far from reality the real equality
in the world but I feel like what we can do as human beings with our souls and energy
is for the world and especially for those who are now a bit more privileged and have
the general daily survival needs already sorted.
What we can do is to rise and to really work on ourselves and the balance and become an
example and also provide better energy for our communities as you mentioned and every
single event that we do with women there would be at least once someone coming up and saying
oh I don't feel safe with men I don't or I'm tired of dating all these feminine men
there would be a lot of concerns that they bring up that are all connected to this misbalance
and again not to blame or shame man this is a whole melting pot that we have created as
a society through so many historical cultural economic levels.
But what I want to hear from you is one how can women better understand men and how can
they support a change?
Difficult question.
These aspects of masculinity such as protectiveness and even assertiveness sometimes that when
you ask a woman what is a toxic masculine they may be able to realize 10 different aspects
of a toxic masculine but then if you ask them what is a positive masculine they would have
a lot less answers for that because women seem like to hijack the positive masculine
as traits for women like protectiveness for example it's like oh well women can be protective
that yeah okay that's right but it is generally like a masculine essence.
What I would say is for women to look at their own relationships to their masculine and their
feminine like is your masculine integrated and integrated is is your feminine integrated
like are you write down what it is exactly that you are looking for and how you want
the masculine to make you feel and can your masculine inside you make you feel those things
I think that's an important aspect of that.
Also to your original question I think it's important for people to understand that there
are fundamental differences between men and women on a physiological level and on the
way that we react to different things for example emotionality.
I hear so much within our world about men being emotionally unavailable but when you
actually dig into what that means is that I think some women expect their men to be
able to talk about their emotions to them whereas actually women don't really want that
women generally don't want them men to be super emotional all the time and I think it's important
that men do speak about their emotions but I think it's important that men find a good
group of men to speak to about that.
This is why it's so important that men have go to men circles and are able to access real
positive groups of men and outside of this old paradigm of unconscious men at the pub.
I think it's important that men have male friends that they have the support networks
for them and that they do things with them whether they go out hiking or go cycling that
sort of thing I think that's a real that is stereotype I guess within some relationships
is that women almost control men and they don't let men go and be men and I think it's important
to let men do men things and to go and do man stuff and I think it's really important
that we have these different avenues to embrace these different parts of ourselves.
Yeah 100% let's go a little deeper into these men connecting with each other doing men things
it is indeed it can be difficult and alienating for men to really step into their power these
days especially in big cities there is so little community for men and indeed very often
it's the only thing that they can do together would be this pub kind of connections of especially
I mean in the UK that's where I live that's the most common thing while there are also
amazing things that men can do together all the men's work that's going on right now men's
circles that when I see that first of all I find all the men who do that very very sexy
and secondly I'm so happy that that exists but also there is not enough of that especially
in certain places even in our western bubble I can't see enough of that in big cities I
see a lot of that beauty in Lisbon or in Ibiza I don't see enough of that in London I would
love you to describe what is that work about what are men's circles what is men's work
and to your point I actually know maybe two or three men's organisations in the UK that
are doing some really amazing amazing things with regard to retreats and circles etc so
if you if you haven't been to a circle before whether it be a mixed circle or a women's
circle or men's circle a circle is an opportunity for people to gather and to be able to discuss
a topic from a more heart centred deeper level I remember my entrance into men's work was
in Ibiza and sitting in men's circles and seeing one man open up about his troubles gives
you permission to open up and do the same and I think it's really important that men
do do talk about these things and the different aspects of our lives in the UK I think the
number one way to die for men under 40 is suicide and I think it's it's super important
that men have these avenues to go to just to talk about the life and to talk about the
difficulties that they face and I remember I had a question at the field event in Lisbon
the salon from from a woman and I believe that there's this thought process for women
that men don't talk about their emotions that they don't connect whereas actually in in
real world that when you put a group of men together in circle and you get people to talk
about what's going on for them and men open up really quickly I believe that actually
it's a lot easier for men to open up to other men than it is for women to open up to other
women I think we have this toxic femininity this sister wounds and and it's it's right
because when men are in circle men can trust men because men tend to be not judgmental
and they don't really judge each other and men aren't really gossipers that would be
one of the shadow aspects of the feminine in terms of their competition would be sort
of gossip and bitching behind people's backs but in a in a men's space that you feel really
safe and actually yeah men are able to open up super quickly and I've seen it in every
sort of men circle that I've been at whether it be festivals or locally online that when
you give men the permission to be able to speak about different aspects of their life
they grab it with both hands circles are powerful I mean that's where my journey started as
well what about men's work now all those retreats emergence where men really get to deep dive
into their nature as men I've been seeing some of that observing from the side and I've
been fascinated by it and love what's happening do you have some insights you'd like to share
again I just think it's really powerful I think retreats for everyone and there seems
to be this power and force behind retreats at the moment where retreat venues kind of
around the world are being sold out kind of months in advance because people are choosing
to go to a retreat and have an embodied deeper experience rather than go on holiday they're
wanting to feel something different and in these spaces in these containers where people
can really have a space to access emotion to access different different layers of emotion
as well whether it be from sadness to grief to anger and rage these aspects of our ourselves
especially as a man where men are afraid of their anger and rage and that they should
be these emotions have caused a lot of pain in the past and because we're in societies
that don't teach us how to deal with our emotions that when these emotions do come up we don't
feel that we can control it so what happens is is that they linger within our bodies so
to go to a retreat where you can be angry and you can be rageful and be seen within
that and it be accepted and it's completely liberating and I would highly recommend everyone
at some stage find these sort of transformational retreats to go to because they are completely
life changing. Yeah, having said that there is this one subject that we must talk about
now again in Lisbon Salon in the west that I'm sure there were questions like that men
aren't very open to talk about you know sexuality especially when it's when there is some sort
of problem or insecurity while you prove that it's not the case and it's actually so healing
and liberating and for men to have space to actually talk about sexuality it's just exactly
what we need for for more goodness in the world it's like such a fundamental pillar
talk to us about yeah about that. So as I mentioned before I was in Ibiza and just after
COVID 2021 and on my personal development journey got into men's work and was absolutely
loving it and there was a little bit of a gap for me I was already on my journey into
sacred sexuality and accessing the shame around different aspects of my own sexuality
including a difficult kind of compulsive relationship to masturbation and I remember having a conversation
with my cock for the first time and thought me and my cock best mates we've been through
a lot together and when I actually spoke to him he was like you've been abusing me for
the past 20 years and yeah it was a difficult process of acceptance for me as well as inquiry
and growth but at that time there was no real spaces to talk about it there were so many
different men circles popping up and you could go and talk about different emotions and how
you feel etc etc but there was nothing to do with sexuality and I remember at the time
I was trying to practice sort of semen retention yeah exploring my sexual energy and yeah I
had sex with my partner and I ejaculated and I remember lying there afterwards was like
fuck's sake like I wish I had like a group of guys where we could be accountable to each
other to go through these practices so the idea came up to do like a month long container
called come not may and a few weeks after that I did a breath work session and out of that
came this idea to yeah to set up a non-profit in the men's space where men could have safe
spaces to go to to actually talk about different aspects of sex so we held our first men circle
about two and a half years ago and we were online and in person and within the first
two circles we already had men opening up about premature ejaculation erectile dysfunction
sexual trauma and also people talking about insensual relationships and and these deeper
aspects of ourselves but really fundamentally connecting to shape I wanted it to be my gift
to the world so I and yeah I wanted to create a non-profit I knew deep inside how how big
the organization would would eventually get but I personally didn't want to kind of profit
from that and yeah over the past two and a half years we've held over 150 events six
months after our first men's circle we also opened up to women as well we had our first
women's circle and then started having mixed circles where men and women and and a few
non-binary people could come and have open conversations together which was which was
also really beautiful yeah so we've had thousands of people sitting circle from all over the
world and we continue to have circles every every fortnight and it kind of became my my
passion project my my purpose my um my reason for being I guess yeah so powerful and so
beautiful I very much respect the power of circle something I do for myself regularly
and that's how my journey I think my journey of healing started from a circle I came once
to a circle when I was I don't know 19 or something randomly I didn't even understand
what that was somewhere in London and that was when I like confronted my huge childhood
traumas really out of nowhere cried like babies for the whole time and that's when my journey
started I think like I mean started in many ways before but that was a really strong moment for
me to recognize a power of community would you tell me more about male sexuality you know the
nuances of that I understand it's a very big question and subject but if you could tell us
people of all sorts of genders listening to this podcast what are the most important things for us
to understand about male sexuality because there's so much misconception so much misunderstanding
and I just want to have a chance to hear a little bit more from you what you've learned and what you
feel is important for people to know I suppose as with any idea that comes through it sort of starts
small and then gets bigger and bigger so for come what may that the the original idea was
to have a space for people to talk about sex so so simple and as the organization
organization grew and as I went deeper into the sexuality world I realized that this was actually
a lot bigger than what I first thought and with them the big premise being if we as the wisdom
keepers in society are not able to have open and honest conversations about sex and how are we
going to support this next generation of beings that have a completely different background when
it comes to their sexuality especially in those early years of exploration I'm 37 like my first
entrance into pornography was through like dial-up internet where it would take me like three weeks
to download a video whereas younger people now but have access to hardcore pornography in an instant
and the rates of erectile dysfunction are rising the highest growth rate of erectile dysfunction
is actually between 18 and 21 yeah one in 10 nine year olds have seen pornography I think 50% of
13 year olds were in a different world now with regard to where sexuality is for for both men and
for women in in surveys 50% of 16 to 21 year olds believe that women either enjoy or expect physical
aggression during sex which includes airway restriction so these teenagers and younger
people have a different baseline of what sexuality means to them and I think it's really important
for us to be having these conversations and know that sexuality is potentially becoming more violent
I think it was 79% of 18 year olds have watched or seen pornography that includes some sort of
violence so we need to recognize that this can be a problem and we also need to recognize
men's parts in that and I think having a space for men to be able to talk about these different
aspects of ourselves and own these different aspects of ourselves as well that own that we do have a
a an animal inside us to own that we we'd like to take dominant sexual positions and and to know that
sexual energy can be like a drug for men it can be very hypnotizing and it's very I'm certainly
not condoning sexual violence I just trying to paint a picture of the conditions that it can take to
be to for someone to become a perpetrator within the sexual world men need to take ownership that
they can lose themselves in this sexual energy I use my own personal experience in this in that
during my heavy masturbation days like I'd use masturbation as an emotional release as a tool
for it to become more stable when I was going through difficult times I kind of locked myself
away for a few days and just masturbate and eat shit food and just completely and avoid
avoid my feelings that way and and it was very destructive and what I noticed was that within
these sort of masturbating sessions and I don't know if you know that to to receive the same
amount of dopamine today and doing the same activity as yesterday is quite different and
difficult and so that to receive the same dopamine people have to do some do more intense or extreme
things so during watching pornography you could go down a pornographic rabbit hole and and go to
and to very hardcore things and in that moment of ejaculation there's like instant shame because
you look and you're like what have I just watched like how was that a turn on for me a few seconds
ago and I think it's really important for us men to and be able to learn how to control this energy
more yeah also with that the rates of child abuse are incredibly high that when you dig into the
statistics and the the statistics on top of that of people that become perpetrators of sexual
violence and the rates of child abuse for them as a as a child is super high so it's important that
as communities that we look after child abuse victims and and not to not to treat them as a
victim for their whole life but to give them the support that they need for childhood and as an adult
as well like to keep a to keep an eye on these people yeah it's a part of male sexuality that
we need to own and take control of but we also need to to recognize the the conditions to create a
rapist yeah thank you so much for sharing this I don't think and there is enough such open
conversation especially personal experience sharing and you've touched upon a lot of really
important societal issues well first of all porn I I believe that there is the growing conversation
and awareness and your big part of it around this issue I do hope that this goes far and where people
recognize how big of an issue it is but I want to to provide just lastly actually only our last
point still because it also touches me as a also a victim of child abuse I must say that
what I'm really passionate about and like part of one one of my big reasons for for being
leading feel is I really believe education from a very young age for people can make such a big
difference sex education specifically if we teach young men what sex is what sexual energy is what
all these dopamine is what porn is what relationship with a woman is how to really make a woman feel
good how to make them feel good like all these simple educational bits that we as a society often
actually just don't really focus on or talk about or rather talk about STIs and all of that stuff but
but do not include the relational and pleasure aspect could make a big difference because
perhaps men would grow up with a lot more knowledge that they can empower themselves with and a lot of
the issues would would be mitigated but then on the victim side of things and I don't want to say
that just like only women are victims men are victims too especially of child abuse and also
sometimes women can be though the perpetrators as well for a child and I speak from my personal
experience if only I and other children just knew enough information about what is the ownership of
our body what is the what sex is what does it all mean when someone else is coming after you if we
had the basic education we would not be freezing in the moment so much and just having the knowledge
is such a power and that's what I want to really highlight here for because for everyone listening
to everyone how will ever have children how important it is to to really explain these things
holistically and not just also have the shame that we carry and brush or brush over these
conversations and just hope that people figure it out on by themselves but lastly I want to
highlight the good aspects of male sexuality because you know we have touched quite a lot on the
on the dark side well I keep learning and learning more and more as I grow into this work and especially
by really leaning deeply more into a spiritual aspect of sexuality and into tundric world
that man's sexuality can be such a gift when it's conscious but it has to be conscious on
both sides and on the on the receiver as well the penetration can be the most healing thing that can
happen like I do receive a lot of healing through the penetration of my man dick can be the magical
wand that can resolve even on the somatic level deep seated trauma inside a woman and of course
then the beauty of having really deep connection sexual connection with a man and form for me
like and for a lot of women who get deeply into this work is is deeply deeply powerful
transforming and can lead to a huge amount of liberation so having said that sexual energy
and sex is such a power it can destroy people's life it can heal people's lives and it's a big
power of all of our lives and there is really not enough conversation about it and that's why I
feel like your work is so important for come with us come with Wayne and all the work of all the
sex educators that are writing arising right now yeah so I just wanted to to really highlight all
these things and hopefully that inspires people to look deeper into their own sexuality what do
they do with their sexual energy right now well I'd like to actually bring up the orgasm gap here
as a bit of an example so many people may have heard about the orgasm gap but I'll explain it so
the orgasm gap is the gap between the percentage of heterosexual men and heterosexual women who
report that they usually are always orgasm during sex and for heterosexual men and 95% of
them would usually or always orgasm whereas it's 65% for heterosexual women now you could
interpret that in so many different ways and the the biggest interpretation that I've seen from that
online is that men are bad and men need to please their women more like this is a perfect example
of the patriarchy of men receiving more pleasure than women but it's actually there's there's
there's an underlying piece here that nobody seems to be talking about and that is that
men are only given one avenue for pleasure if you think that pornography is the the main form
of sex education men have been taught that having sex very hard and thrusting is is the way to
orgasm and that that's it and I think that the average time for for men to to ejaculate is five
to seven minutes so it's it's not a long time at all but men haven't been educated in terms of the
pleasure that they can feel yeah men and a shoot making an assumption in this during the orgasm
gap research that when we talk about orgasm we talk about ejaculation where there's actually
men have different ways to orgasm outside of ejaculation and and that's one piece of information
that men need to know is that and ejaculation and orgasm are two separate independent events that
happen at the same time and it is possible to split that and to to be able to have orgasm
outside of that so whether that be a through prostate stimulation or through energetic
sexuality and or energetic orgasms there are different ways to pleasure that there is a piece
within that kind of lack of education for men that because there's only this one way that especially
when men have a fear of sort of like losing their erection and what that means in the shame of what
that that is a lot of men may feel that they just have to get the job done and it be over whereas
women need a lot longer to be able to to warm up to be able to orgasm and obviously women have a
varied varied degrees of ways to orgasm themselves the big interpretation for me like looking at the
orgasm gap is that we need to educate men in terms of being able to receive more pleasure
and to release shame I remember the first exercise in a sacred sexuality a retreat that I did and I
had to sort of like touch myself softly like touch myself on the on my arm and and that was so icky
and uncomfortable because I had this program in me that it was gay yeah and then I had to unpack
that oh my god like it is that there's like this ingrained homophobia and took from from childhood
when I remember being in school and talking about um wanking around the table in year seven and people
saying oh you touch yourself oh that's gay if you're not don't have a woman to to touch you
and it's like these programs that can condition within us that really hold men back from being
able to to feel a lot of pleasure and and I think for women listening to this like to empower men to
feel different types of pleasure and to not put pressure on them to always be hard and erect and
and show some soft cock love and really start to have devotion for a cock whether it is hard or soft
and really embracing to because what one of the biggest fears for a man is when you lose an erection
firstly it feels shit it doesn't feel nice and secondly there's like a shame that's added on it
because you're if you're in a heterosexual relationship that that your partner may think it's
about them that they're not attracted to them anymore so that's why they're not getting erect
so it adds these different layers and it can be a big cycle so to be able to embrace the waves of
of erections and from soft cocks to hard cocks and just be super playful about it I think that's a
and a huge piece of advice that I'd give to the and to the heterosexual women within this group is to
really come to devotion towards any cocks not just a hard cock yeah it requires education on both
sides for sure even for women like I do believe they may need to learn a little bit more about
male's pleasure and what's possible for for men because we women also are conditioned to see erection
as the thing that must be happening and otherwise take it personally there is a lot of education
that's missing on our side as well to understand men properly but again it's really not the most
important thing and to understand themselves that most most women may be very um habitual with their
own self-pleasure practice and um maybe just go quickly and to have a five-minute wank and go straight
to their clit whereas actually I think there's eight or nine different ways for for women to have
orgasms and to be able to explore their bodies in a in a different way is also really important
because the more that women get to know their own bodies the more that they can direct men in terms
of what feels good for them which means that everybody's winning in that situation yeah there
is so much to learn and explore especially with a lot of education that majority of us have
and I also feel like it's such an endless deep and really exciting journey because you can keep
learning so many things once you get into sexuality and understanding of it there are spiritual
aspects physical aspects polarity aspects so much stuff and yeah shame is the real problem
that stands in the way for many of us to actually even start exploring that I wonder now what's
speaking to you about this and understanding how much depth there is to actually continue
deep diving into this on the side of male sexuality and what can be done for all of us to
improve our relationships with each other and sexually and energetically I'm wondering if this
should be something we cover on our free online class end of November whatever whatever feels
right in the in the moment yeah I feel like we can deep dive even more where can men start their
learning curve I think there's there's so many so many resources online and to to start and I really
think to get into men's work in in some way and and to join a sexuality circle you're more than
welcome to join a come what may circle and that we have every every fortnight whether it be a men's
circle or a mixed circle and we also have many different events throughout the year as well
and yeah the the internet can be um overwhelming with the amount of education that's out there and
I think it's really important to to have embodied experiences whether it be to go to retreats that
include sexuality to enter into the tantra world um but I actually feel it themselves not just
look at Instagram because there's there's so much um there's so much information and education that it
can just go in one eye and come out the other and and it's important to take steps forward
in terms of your own journey and whatever feels right for you it's also a super personal journey
and you'll when you see and find the right teachers that you align with then um yeah then dive in and
give it a go okay that's beautiful I have a complicated question I feel like that will be very
interesting for most female listeners how can we women actually bring it up to men you know like
the the sexual exploration say um a woman wants her man to look into sexuality with an open mind
and perhaps explore more of sacred sexuality together can be believed that this is difficult
to bring up uh because oftentimes we have this maybe it's stereotype maybe it's real that men
get a little bit offended if we ask for something like that they're like oh am I not enough
how can we bring it up in a healthy way it's also okay to offend people um yeah I know this can be
difficult for um for many women um in terms of having like really difficult uncomfortable
honest conversations yeah it's it's not easy to bring up but and the worst thing that you could do
in a relationship is fake and orgasm did nobody wins in that scenario so being able to yeah firstly
as I mentioned before to to learn about your own body to um know what feels good for you for you
to start your journey in terms of your own exploration and then to be guiding your partner
and yeah if your partner isn't isn't pleasing you and isn't giving you the sort of pleasure that you
want tell it and yeah it's gonna hurt he's gonna feel shit but there's nothing a man um likes to
hear at least then then he's not good in bed so he will put steps in place to get better in bed
it's um very much a um it's good it's good for men to be challenged and it's good for men to be
pushed into uh wanting to be better and if they don't accept that challenge that's a a different
story but men want to be the best and if um if you tell your man that you're wanting more and that
it's not it's not good enough at the moment then he would hopefully step into that all right yeah
um I can imagine the conversation being hard but also that's absolutely true like men like to be
the best how would they know if we just fake uh well on this very very useful advice I think I'll
become into conclusion but I would like you to share where can people find you join your circles
work with you as an executive um coaching offering so firstly um I'll talk about come up May
took it as we um ended on the sexuality piece so www.comewhatmay.life where come what may
uh dot life on instagram uh as I mentioned we've got circles every fortnight that are free the
majority of our events are free by the way and we have in early December a sex education summit
called Expose which is nine days of education uh Maria's going to be joining that as well and
and running some embodiment work that would be we have 30 speakers talking about all different
aspects of sex education and then some integration pieces within circles as well if you are looking
for a sexuality retreat um and sex education retreat to join then we we have our first retreat
in Spain in early May next year it's a really big exciting events and the maturing of come what may
into a sort of bigger organization and expanding our offerings over the next six months which is
really beautiful and then me personally I can be found easily on LinkedIn that's Sean Ford Kelly
for my own coaching if you are interested in having a coaching session with me um I do an
opening a coaching session for free so please feel free to contact me and yeah like again it's my
my way of giving back to the community and if people want to stick on and stay stay coaching
with me after that um if it aligns then then amazing and that's it for today I hope this
episode has left you feeling inspired empowered and more connected to your truth if you enjoyed
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until the next time keep shining your light keep embracing your unique journey and keep rising
into the powerful human you are born to be I'm your host Maria Greenina