Hi, I'm Linda, self-love coach and hypnotherapist who loves a good yoga class in my pajamas,
listening to the belly laughs of my baby boys, and hunting down the best vegan donuts.
This podcast is for ambitious and soulful women who want to feel fulfilled in all areas
of their life and are ready to dive deep into the mysteries and wonders of the subconscious
mind in order to achieve that.
So if you are ready to be let loose from the shackles of self-sabotage and design a life
of emotional freedom and everyday abundance, you are in the perfect place.
Because life can get even better than you imagine, and the biggest shifts start inside
of you.
Welcome.
So in today's episode, I want to talk about what it's like when we're going through a
self-love storm.
Not only what it's like when we're going through it in the middle of it, but also some things
that you can do to manage it in the moment.
And some things that you could maybe even look forward to after the storm has started
to subside.
And of course, that's always really helpful to know that there is something that you can
look forward to.
There is a rainbow on the other side of the storm, and we will get to that a little bit
later in the episode.
So I feel like it's fitting that I'm recording this on an evening when it's actually a little
stormy outside so you may hear some background noise.
But a self-love storm, what is it?
What is a self-love storm?
So it's a term, obviously, that I just made up, but I feel like it perfectly describes
the kind of situations that we find ourselves facing so much of the time.
And the thing is, when you're in a self-love storm, when you're in the middle of a storm,
you know it.
Because nothing goes right.
It seems like every disaster that could happen happens.
You find out that you've overlooked some subtle cue with this person that you started dating
or this job that you accepted.
And those subtle cues that you've overlooked turn into major problems later on.
You'll feel personally attacked inside of your relationships or your place of work or
your community space.
And that'll be really devastating and isolating.
It'll seem like rejection is now the norm.
Like acceptance is hard to find.
And your inner peace, well that feels like it's just swirling down the toilet drain.
Okay?
So self-love storms are nothing to sneeze at.
They feel really overwhelming when you're in the middle of them.
And it's really hard not to feel like, you know, the mistakes that you've made are, you
know, they're not failures, right?
Because when we're in a self-love storm, we begin to view things much more from a place
of lack around what we lack, you know, what we did wrong or how we failed.
It's really easy to kind of drift into that place.
And so if you're not quite there, you might not necessarily be in a full-on self-love
storm.
I'm talking about those really difficult time periods where everything seems to be happening
at once.
So what can you do?
If you're in this place, what can you do, right?
When it feels like there's no support or you're kind of just not handling things well, you
know, it's really automatic for some of us to fall into this place of judgment or judging
ourselves.
Gosh, get it together.
You know, why can't you just figure this out?
And we move really quickly into this place of trying to force change and solutions and
resolving problems like right away.
And if you're someone who struggles with perfectionism or you were like a firstborn daughter, you
know, you may like very quickly move into the state of trying to function and fix and
make it all better.
And when you can't do that, it's going to make you're going to end up feeling like you're
doing something wrong, even when you're not actually doing anything wrong, right?
The situation is just the situation.
So rather than running too quickly into this place of, you know, focusing on change, how
can we fix it?
I actually really urge you and want you to allow space for your feelings.
And I know that this is nothing new.
You've heard it before and yet, right?
You're talking about this because yet many of us still struggle to actually do it.
When you allow space for your feelings, you immediately, okay, immediately you are taking
away the source of resistance that can actually prolong the self love storm, right?
That will prolong this period of time where you feel like, man, I'm not handling this
well, I don't have what it takes, or all these negative beliefs are surfacing.
So when you just allow space to say like, Okay, I am frustrated.
I'm so frustrated with this situation.
Nothing is going the way that I really wanted it to.
This isn't how I planned it.
Then you give yourself room to acknowledge and validate your own emotions, right?
You become that safe person, you know, that safe person that we all needed when we were
younger, you become that safe person for yourself and your own inner child.
And when you do that, the resistance that's within you, that wants to push back against
anything that you say that's like, No, no, like, it's never going to be okay.
No, this is how it really is.
That part of you that's creating that kind of resistance, it begins to subside just a
bit.
It begins to give you a little bit more room to think more clearly to come to a place of
acceptance about what's not working.
And to be okay with that, right on some level, right, there's a there's a bit of surrender
that's required when we're in the storm.
And we need to just acknowledge how we feel without trying to change it right away.
Right, because change will come, change will come and actually it'll come more easily if
you don't rush into it as your first response.
Trust me, been there, got the postcard got the t shirt, you don't want to do it that
way.
Okay.
So once you've made some more space for your feelings, you're kind of you know, you're
sitting with yourself, you're figuring out, okay, how does my body feel?
What is my mood like right now?
Am I angry?
Am I sad?
Am I crying?
Because I'm angry, you know, just giving yourself some room to be with it.
Then you can start to name it.
You can explore, okay.
I think I feel I feel angry about this.
I feel angry because I felt disrespected in that conversation that I just had with him.
You know, okay, I feel a sense of loss because yet another one of my co workers is jumping
ship and leaving me here and this job that I don't even like, right?
You can start to name it the frustrations and the sadness and the disappointment that
you actually feel because just by ignoring it or not getting space, guess what?
You're still feeling it.
You're still feeling it anyway.
The feeling has already germinated inside of you.
It's already there.
So when we give it space to just be and for us to name it, that's when we can actually
allow it to subside and it's not going to keep ramping up in order to get your attention,
right?
You don't want to ignore the feelings that are just going to exacerbate and grow and
transform into these kind of raging monsters because you're not paying attention to them.
You want to give them attention on the front end and that's going to help them to, you
know, to lessen more easily again without that resistance.
Something else that you might want to do is think about some ways that you can co regulate
and this is something that we often do pretty naturally anyway, but if you have more of
that leaning towards being more perfectionistic and feeling like you need to handle things
independently and you shouldn't need to lean on anyone, this may be more of a struggle
for you to follow through on even if you do have an urge to do it.
So when we co regulate, we are inviting someone else into our experience in the moment to
help us to find our grounding again.
And so we're not using them, you know, it's not, you know, using someone else as a crutch
for dealing with our problems or, you know, finding a sense of peace.
What we're doing is we're allowing a bit of vulnerability, right, into that space and
that relationship.
So certainly it should be with someone that we trust.
But you're allowing that vulnerability to lead you into deeper connection actually with
that person.
We will talk about that again towards the end where we're talking about the rainbow
on the other side of the storm.
But that gives them an opportunity to be there for us.
And most of you listening, right, most of you listening to this are probably more of
the sort of person who was there for everybody else.
So you're not usually the one who's calling on others to be there for you.
You know, you're the one who was the shoulder for others to lean on.
Okay, Self Love Beauties, I have a special announcement to make.
I have an event coming up this October, the 2nd through the 27th.
It's called the Joy Reclaimed Summit.
And it is a gathering for women just like you who are looking to experience breakthroughs
with physical health, emotional health, relational health, what have you.
And I've handpicked 25 exceptional women to speak directly to you and share their stories
of how they've achieved their own breakthroughs and been able to reclaim their joy.
So definitely come be a part of this gathering.
You can find it at joyreclaimedsummit.com and the information will also be in the show
notes.
And a bonus, there's going to be giveaways each week.
If you join in with the Facebook group for the event, you will have opportunities to
win some really nice prizes, including some one on one sessions with myself and some of
my other speaker coaches.
And that will help you to get to your breakthrough even faster.
Alright, so I look forward to seeing you there.
And so this might not be your norm and yet I really call you to and I ask you to consider
letting others be there for you too, because the odds are pretty good that there is somebody
who wants to be there for you.
Somebody who is grateful for all the times that you have been there for them.
He was grateful for your support, your steadiness, the rock that you were in their life, and
would be happy to be there for you.
And you know what?
Sometimes when people are more used to us being the ones that they can lean on, they
may not know exactly what to do.
And they may not do it perfectly.
And that's really okay, because you can show them.
Maybe what you want from that person is not words of advice, because they're not actually
that great at giving advice, right?
But a lot of times when we're in the storm, we actually don't need that much advice.
What we really need is someone to sit with us and to be with us, right?
Co-regulation is someone being with you, not them coming in and then fixing your problems.
So you can invite them to be with you.
Maybe you want them to come over and just watch a movie with you and not talk.
Because again, talking is like not their gift, right?
But they can be with you.
They can provide some comfort in that way.
They can give you a hug.
They can give you physical touch, right?
Maybe they can give you a gift of a bouquet of flowers or just bring you a nice cup of
tea or cup of coffee, right?
There's all kinds of ways that others can be there for us that don't require some, you
know, master's degree in counseling, or, you know, the sage wisdom from living on this
earth for 90 years or something like they don't need to have all that to be able to
give you some amount of comfort that will allow you to have that co-regulation that
we so often need in the midst of a self-love storm.
And then when you've had a little bit of this time, you've, you know, identified your feelings,
you've had some time for some co-regulation, you've given space for all that you're experiencing.
I do want you to think about what is the story that the storm is highlighting for you?
What is the story or this core belief that is being unearthed, right?
The story that was already there taking up real estate inside of you, but was not really
fully exposed until now.
Okay.
And now we're getting more into the opportunities on the other side of the storm because those
opportunities really do start here.
This is an opportunity to see, okay, why was I triggered by the situation or these series
of things that happened all at once?
Again, that's what a self-love storm often consists of.
What was it about this series of events that really got under my skin that made me feel
so flooded, so overwhelmed, and so out of control?
What is it that I believe about myself or my circumstances, right, that this is bringing
up for me, that's kicking up dust for me?
The more that we can have a deeper understanding of what we actually believe or the stories
that we're carrying around that we don't even know about, then we have an opportunity
to actually reintegrate these different pieces that have been broken off by these negative
stories, these lies.
We have an opportunity to reintegrate those pieces of our identity into a more holistic
and healthy perspective.
So you're getting an opportunity to grow.
It doesn't mean, mind you, like none of this is saying that a self-love storm is something
that you have to be happy about or thankful for.
Some of you may be in a place where you're able to say, like, oh, I'm thankful for the
storm.
And that's great, but not all of you are going to feel that way.
And you don't have to.
You don't have to feel thankful for the storm.
You don't have to feel thankful for that person passing unexpectedly and your partner losing
their job or your child having that accident.
You don't have to be grateful for that, okay?
I'm the last one who's going to say that you have to feel that way in order to get some
benefit from it.
But you know what?
If horrible things have happened, if distressing things have happened over the course of your
day, your year, what I at least want for you is that you can gain something on the other
side even if it was truly horrible, right?
We don't have to debate how horrible it was because some things are just horrible.
They're just a mess.
And you know, that happens in life at times.
However, we do have a choice about how we respond to those things.
That's where we have our choices, right?
So how can you integrate this new awareness of a story that you didn't even know that
you had in your head, right?
The story of how you're too much or the story of how things just don't really work out for
you.
So if they seem like they're working out, well, watch out.
It's about, you know, the other shoe's about to drop, right?
Like those stories, you have an opportunity to reintegrate and identify how those things
are actually just lies and how you would be better off without those lies, right?
So on the other hand, too, when we're talking about, you know, co-regulation earlier, a
self-love storm gives you that opportunity to experience what it's like to have other
people just simply be with you and remind you that you're not alone.
And this might be because that person has been through their own storms and they know
what it's like and they're just like, girl, yeah, I don't have any words.
I'm just going to buy I'm here for you.
And yeah, I get it.
Right.
So you can experience what it's like for someone just to be there with you and for you without
expecting anything.
Now some of us may feel like, you know, hey, most of my relationships are trash.
Like I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't have friends like that.
And I'm not saying that's not true, because sometimes we're in spots like that in life.
However, it is important to recognize that sometimes when we're in that negative space
where we're feeling a lot of lack within ourselves and in our situation, we may be blind to some
sources of support that we didn't even know were there.
So how about you just assume for a moment that there is some support available and think
about who that might be someone who would be willing to just be with you in the moment
in the present without expecting anything or trying to fix anything.
Okay.
And mind you, some of those people who care about you and that you care about who do try
to fix things right away, you can have a conversation with them.
Right.
We're, we're able to communicate.
Hey, I don't want you to give me solutions right now.
I just want you to be with me.
That's it.
I don't even want you to talk.
Honestly, is that all right?
Can we do that?
Just can we do that for now?
And then lastly, I want you to think about this when you're in the middle of a self-love
storm or just barely coming out of one.
I want you to acknowledge that you have been through other storms similar to this, maybe
maybe tougher than this, maybe a little easier than this in the past.
And the fact that you have been in those storms before and you survived and you got your way
through them somehow, right?
That deserves to be acknowledged and that deserves to be praised.
You know why?
Because you're a survivor.
You're a survivor.
And not only are you a survivor, but you're a survivor who is learning to be a thriver
because there's something in you that just won't settle for less.
You're not willing to settle just for, oh, I survived, like a post-apocalyptic movie.
There's so many of those these past 10, 20, 30 years.
I think of like Mad Max and the 80s and other films like it since.
It doesn't have to be like, oh, I'm one of 10 people left on the earth when we're scrounging
for scraps.
No, that's not the goal.
But you are a survivor who knows how to get through difficult things and make it to the
other side and make a life for yourself in spite of some significant challenges.
And that is worthy of praise.
That is worthy to be acknowledged and to be validated.
And the fact that you were like, you know, I don't just want that.
I want more for myself.
That is also worth something that is so valuable to have the kind of drive that says life can
be good.
Life can be even better than this.
Maybe even life can be better than what I can imagine right now.
Maybe that's possible, too.
So when you've come through that self-love storm, gosh, it's a moment to just take a
breath and be like, oh, man, that was tough.
Like I think a few more of my hairs turned gray, right?
You can give yourself that space.
You can give yourself some space to laugh if you feel ready to laugh about it, laugh
with someone that you trust, who you know is laughing with you, not at you.
You know, give yourself a moment and just kind of, woo, catch your breath and recognize
that if you take the opportunity that it is offering you, that you may come out even richer,
even more resilient, even more hopeful, even more creative, even more loving on the other
side of that storm.
All right.
I know that I have learned to create more and more and more of that for myself.
And it's what I want so much for all of you to have as well.
So that is today's episode.
I hope that it blesses you and I will see you next time.
You hung with me to the end, my shero.
If you benefited from this episode, please say thanks by leaving a wonderful review.
It helps me know what's helping you the most and allows more like-minded women to find
and learn from this podcast.
We don't want to keep all the good stuff for ourselves.
See you next time.