Welcome to the third episode of Ida the Hobbit and the Crystal Queer Deers.
This episode will feature Bartholomew and his magic yo-yo.
We'll take you on a ride on his skateboard while dealing with Ren and Rey.
Let's find out what Ren and Rey want.
Currently on a call with his boyfriend Immuniel, Bartholomew prepares to leave his house to
visit him.
Hey, this is Bartholomew?
Have you even left your house yet?
Olo, you said you'd be here half an hour ago.
Of course I have, Featherface.
I'm already halfway there.
Come on, Bartholomew.
We both know you're lying.
Me?
Lie?
Never.
Whatever, dear.
Just knock on the door when you get here.
And if you don't answer me, Lee, don't fling your yo-yo through my window to get my attention
again.
You know, I never know if you mean that endearingly or just blatantly staining my species.
And I only did that twice.
I fixed your windows anyway, with the yo-yo.
Just move your food, but okay.
Relax, Immu.
I'm taking my skateboard.
Bartholomew continues towards the village exit.
Feeling the calm, blissful air rushing through his hair, Bartholomew feels at peace as he
rides.
Bartholomew!
Hey, Barthy boy.
Huh?
Bartholomew!
Oh, Ren.
Rey.
What's up?
Look, Rey and I have been arguing about this since we last saw you.
You gotta set this straight.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Yeah.
His name is Immuniel.
I'm actually on the...
See?
I told you, Bartholomew is gay.
Uh, well, I actually identify as bi.
No he isn't.
I've only ever seen him date those.
If he has a boyfriend, how come we've never seen him?
Immuniel is really shy.
He's not ready to...
Bartho just said that he has a boyfriend.
He's gay.
You like a girlfriend?
I've told you two.
And the entire village already.
I like both.
Uh, he's gay.
He is straight.
You deaf?
He just said he had a boyfriend.
You're blind?
We've only ever seen him date girls.
Not this stuff again.
I'll see you two later.
Bartholomew continues skateboarding towards Emu's house, spinning his yoyo around his
finger.
The crackling of twigs and rustling of leaves can be heard underneath his wheels.
The magical whoosh of his yoyo forms a steady beat.
It's dark already?
Oof.
I really took my time.
Man, Immuniel is gonna be so annoyed again.
He's straight.
He's gay.
Huh?
Is someone there?
Eh, just paranoid.
Thanks to Immuniel's creepy horror movies.
The distorted haunting whispers grow louder and louder.
The voices crawl through the leering shadows of the forest, inching closer and closer to
Bartholomew as his fearlessness wanes.
He likes girls, Ren.
Wait, Rey?
Is that you?
He has a boyfriend, Rey.
Ren?
You two?
Did you two follow me?
He's straight.
He's gay.
I keep saying…
Alright, that's it.
Come out of the trees and let me expl- Bartholomew trips over the root and has flung off his
skateboard.
His enchanted yoyo is dropped and splits into two.
Ow.
Huh?
Oh no, my yoyo!
Bartholomew struggles to his feet and trudges towards the broken yoyo.
A sinister red orb and blue orb emerge from the trees, sounding eerily similar to Ren
and Rey.
They hover in front of Bartholomew.
He's straight.
He's gay.
What the?
A red orb?
A blue orb?
Wait, I know those voices.
He's only dated girls, so maybe he's changed.
Ren?
Rey?
Are you two in there?
We've only ever seen the big girls.
Well, that was before.
Plus, I saw him flirting with a guy at a skate shop.
What have you done with my friend?
I've been trying to find him.
Healan.
What's with my friend?
I'll tell you why, Awkwafina.
Look, she gets chosen when she thinks assholes areadelkadics.
And I ended up paying men for her.
That reminds me.
Weren't thugs like me?
Wait, but that's a certain boy from Hell in Hell.
Oh, you mean a guy named Cisco?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, he's a girl.
I think that looks like it is.
And why is he gay?
Butões?
Nerdy.
Why are we getting only the higher grungy or even the wired ones?
You know, I think you had a�goids pair of 50
There's 100s of heat"?
that photo with him with his arm around a guy? They were obviously dating.
I dated his sister too!
Bartholomew throws more and more punches. The punches land left, right and center.
The orbs keep splitting with every successful hit.
Bartho, do you remember Abigail? He used to see them together all the time.
Yeah, but I saw him holding hands with a guy.
Bartholomew, shut up! Shut up!
He's deaf, he just said he had a boyfriend.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Bartholomew becomes overpowered by the orbs and falls to his knees.
He feels defeated.
Just as this is all happening, just another path away is Ida minding her own business,
strolling through the twigs and leaves.
I wonder if I'll ever turn back into a human.
Distorted voices can be heard in the distance, including Bartholomew's screams.
What's that?
You're like a girlfriend.
Shut up! Shut up!
You're like a boyfriend.
No, someone's in trouble.
Ida runs towards her screams in a panic.
You're deaf, you just said you had a boyfriend.
Why won't you understand that I'm bisexual?
Is that another deal?
The distorted noises continue. Bartholomew screams, softened as he weakens.
I have to help him, but how can I? Oh, a skateboard.
Ida runs towards the skateboard in a haste, mounting it. They rush towards Bartholomew.
I'm coming, dear person.
Huh? What's?
Ida skids to halt near the broken yoyo and picks it up.
A broken yoyo? It's sparkly? Maybe it's magic.
He's only gay to girls.
Shut up! Shut up!
Maybe he's changed.
Oh no, maybe if I just...
Ida quickly begins fixing the yoyo. The yoyo is quickly fixed and regains its power in a flash of light.
Whoa. Hey, dear person.
Yoyo in hand, Ida charges through the herd of floating orbs.
Out of the way. Let's try this.
Ida tries to fight the orbs with the yoyo, but the magic doesn't work.
The orbs continue to multiply and grow even more distorted.
There's so many of them. Maybe the dear person can...
The skateboard screeches until Holt as Ida reaches Bartholomew, snapping him out of the trance.
Hey, buddy.
What? Who are you?
I'm Ida. I'm here to help. Looks like you might need this.
Ida slings the magic yoyo.
Come on, let's do this together.
Ida and Bartholomew slap the hands together.
While Ida quickly helps Bartholomew to his feet, Bartholomew grabs the yoyo and begins to swish it into a circle.
Whoa. Alright, time to settle down.
Bartholomew wraps the yoyo string around the orbs, trapping them instantly. Small orbs try to escape.
Nice try, but you're not going anywhere.
Ida quickly grabs the small orbs and places them into the huddle.
All the orbs are trapped tightly in the yoyo string.
Get in there. They're all yours.
Right, thanks. Oh, by the way, I'm Bartholomew. But you can call me Olo. It's what my boyfriend calls me.
Well, it's an honor, Olo.
Heh, let's finish this.
I know you don't understand me or my identity.
You argue and question, but I hope you'll understand me and listen to me now.
I am bisexual. It means that I'm attracted to two different genders, which in my case are women and men.
Ida and Bartholomew squint as the yoyo glows brighter and brighter.
Whoa, what's happening?
Through my eyes, none of you are wrong. I can understand why you think that I'm gay or straight, but I don't think you're exactly right either.
Bisexuality is not half and half, but instead it's...
A separate concept in itself.
Exactly. I don't have a preference for one or the other, but others like me might.
Look at that, the noises stopped.
So this is me. I hope you'll understand and learn to accept who I am, no matter who I may be attracted to.
The yoyo string glows to a blazing light as if God himself was coming down to Earth. The orbs disappear with a deafening bang.
Olo, that was awesome.
Thanks, Ida.
Well, I guess I better be going.
Uh, hey Ida?
Yes?
Do you want to meet my boyfriend? His name is Imunual, an emu. I meant to visit him earlier today, and having you there might make him a little less angry with me.
Sure.
Thank you so much for listening to Ida the Hobbit and the Crystal Queer Deers. We hope you enjoyed Bartholomew's journey.
The next episode will have Ida confronting her own feelings about her identity, and what effect her behaviours have been having on her friends.
Lastly, Duke Street Community House and Brimbank Youth Services would like to acknowledge that the podcast was created and recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri and the Bunurong people of the Kulin Nation.
We pay our respects to Elders past, present and emerging.
We would also like to acknowledge that land was never ceded, and it always was and always will be Aboriginal land.
Thank you so much.