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Welcome to Geoduck Stupid, your favorite D&D podcast full of a bunch of stupid.
I'm Tanner.
I will be your DM for the session ahead of us.
This is our first session.
Now we're going to go around the table and introduce you to some of our keen players,
some not so keen, some very keen.
We can discuss after the session who's keen.
Someone will figure that out.
Yeah, we'll get to the bottom of that.
I'm Kason.
I will be playing Gear, the barbarian rogue smuggler, and I am a recovering crack addict.
I'm Bo, I'm going to be playing Gibbon, the warforge cleric, and I'm Gear's bodyguard.
I'm Ryder, playing Danicoast, the tiefling warlock, and I have a cool necklace.
Very cool.
I'm Alex, I will be playing Ryul Fenhorn, the eladrin paladin of Shaunty.
I am Connor and I am playing the character Beezle Dub, a tiefling sorcerer who has a
tadpole in his head and he knows how to play the harmonica.
Yeah!
The harmonica!
Let's go.
So how we're going to begin this campaign.
So each and every one of us has gotten a specific note and or letter from Professor
Apati that says I'm willing to hire you and come perform a job for me.
I need you to meet at this tavern on this day at this time.
Now if you want a specifics on that, we're going to call it the Silver Sword Tavern.
It is a little along the road of Raybury.
Raybury is one of the bigger cities without the realm.
Raybury is known mainly for its education.
So yeah, on the note it specifically said that there will be a carriage to pick you up
at this tavern to get you to where you need to go, which will be Professor Apati's observatory,
his science area.
This is a little science zone.
So can gear and give and give me a perception check?
Absolutely not.
Oh I got a 12.
Wait 13.
Stupid.
6.
Okay, 13 and a 6.
So as you guys walk into the Silver Sword Tavern, you kind of see a whole bunch of rowdy people
all around drinking, having fun.
Everything seems pretty normal.
You specifically see, like gear specifically sees a nice little billard's table.
People are playing cards all around, people are gambling.
Given just kind of, he's too distracted on the back of gear's hair because it's looking
real good today.
It's glistening in the wind.
It's too beautiful to look away.
And that's canon.
I'm going to lean over to give it a whisper.
You want to scam some fools in the billard's table?
What's a billard?
Trust me, you're gonna love this.
Okay.
As you guys go up there, there's like a bunch of different types of people.
They're all playing a game in this world we call Texas Hold'em, but in that world they
call Rexus Roldem.
The dealer looks over and is like, what can I get you?
You need a place at the seats, at the tables?
I got so many cards.
The card is coming out of my ass.
So many cards.
I'm just gonna look at him blankly and sit down.
He gives you your hand.
An ace and a two.
Both diamonds.
I'm gonna try to have Gibbon play and give him a no idea what's happening.
This is the idea and then I'm going to just pick one of the other players as they go.
The other players around you, there's three other players.
There's an elf and two humans.
What's that name?
Yeah.
What are you doing real quick?
I'm gonna cheat.
How?
I'm an ace.
I'm a robot.
I'm an ace up my sleeve.
Oh, you have an ace up your sleeve already.
Okay, give me a side of hand.
At the Rexus Roldem table.
Six.
That's like I assume a small robotic hand comes out from your sleeve.
I don't really know how your...
Obviously switches it out.
Yeah, obviously switches it out.
The dealer kind of looks and he gives you this eye.
It's like...
Two different bags.
The cards have two different bags.
He just kind of gives you this glare and then he slams his hands on the billet table.
I thought it was Rexus Roldem table.
Rexus is still the other table.
I'll switch the card back and forth.
He just looks and he's like, thank you.
We're honest people here.
Well, you did know.
Oh, shit.
While the dealer was distracted there, I was stealing from the pot.
Give me a side of hand.
Look in the middle of the table.
No, no, sorry.
Just from the other players.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how everybody's doing that.
So, are you stealing from all three people?
Who's the closest to giving me a side of hand?
That's a five, baby.
There you go.
So, the man next to you, he thinks you're trying to jerk him off.
So he looks at you and swipes at your hand away and he's like, wait, bathroom, 15 minutes.
Gives you all the...
Look at the guy and I'm like, walk away from the table.
He'll do it.
That's there for 15 minutes.
He's in the rules for the addition.
He's in the day.
He was in the process.
He'll pretend.
Okay.
So, you walk away from the billiard?
Yeah.
Are you still playing Rexus for the other?
Absolutely.
And I see the dude offer him.
Yeah.
And I'm like, hey, I'm not going to do it.
The guy gives you a rink.
This guy kind of looks you up and down.
He's like, yeah, okay.
Okay.
Ten minutes.
So, I stand up and I go let you gear him up.
Ten minutes.
Give him a bathroom.
I love you, Gibbon.
I don't know if I'm ready for that.
I'm ready for that.
As this is going down, as this is going down, the doors, it's kind of like one of them old
saloons.
So, they have those flapper doors.
Yeah.
The doors swing open and Damacos walks right in.
Walk right in.
Okay.
Give me a perception.
Amazing.
We're staring at him.
All of us.
The whole place was quiet.
He walks in.
He stands there.
Okay.
So, you can see basically everything.
There's that billard table.
There's like a bunch of shady men kind of in the back right.
So that back table, there's like four shady looking men kind of talking pretty quietly.
And then there, you know, there's a bartender talking to a very nice pixie up at the bartender.
Bar, bar place.
Bar place.
I think it's just the bar.
Bar at the bartender.
Hey, bartender, give me a bar plate.
Does Damacos see us?
Oh, then you see two other shady people.
One is a war forge.
Staring at you.
They're both just staring at you.
I need down.
I'm going to approach the war forge in whatever.
Okay.
We don't stop staring.
All the time.
And then, has it got a problem?
Yeah, you're looking like a double-eyed surprise.
Sorry, I'm sorry.
Damacos said, hey, we're going to meet somebody in the bathroom in ten minutes.
Ten minutes, big guys.
You guys have fun with that, Mom.
I hate to the bar.
Can I try to pick a bar?
Yeah, give me a splat in and give me just...
I don't know who you are.
I'm just stealing from you.
I'm breaking.
What would be some of the...
I guess just give me a dex.
18.
So you notice Gear trying to pick a bar?
Hey.
What the fuck is that about?
You were looking like a double-eyed surprise.
I'm going to roll a...
Where is it?
Deception?
Yeah, deception.
Deception.
Deceduse.
Give me an insight real quick.
This is 16.
Got an 18.
You believe him, wholehearted life, that you are a double-eyed surprise.
I'm sorry, I'll try to keep my hands to myself.
I'm sorry.
You've been slapped in the ass.
Carry on and we'll go to the bar.
As you get to the bar and bartender, it's kind of flirting up a storm with his pixie.
So those wings come off at all?
And he notices you and he's like, hold on doll.
Goes on down to you.
What can I get you?
Welcome to this silver sword.
Can I just get a meat?
How much money do you got?
You don't look very rich.
Just put it on the Warforge and the other guy's tab.
What?
Give me a deception.
We actually haven't opened the tab.
He's like, I haven't really started a tab.
You know what?
It'll be more expensive, but I'm sure you'll figure it out, right?
Before gold for meat, but it'll go on theirs, but you're going to have to break it to him.
That's fine.
Okay.
Four gold for a single meat?
So we're just doing gold in this campaign because I don't really want to figure out silver,
copper and all that.
I feel like it'd be easy.
But in world four, gold for meat is pre-sanded?
Yeah.
Well, that's pretty up there in the price because he's hiking the price for this man.
So he pours you a meat, gives it to you.
He's like, all right, now if you don't mind trying to score some wing back here.
Oh, my God.
Good luck, man.
As he goes over to the pixie, the bar doors swing open a third time.
Raul enters the bar.
Wow, what nifty doors.
Never seen you swinging back and forth before.
Give me a perception.
Mod 20.
You basically, if you were paying attention, you heard everything that Ryder was kind of saying,
but you do somewhat see what looks to be like a loot chest under the register.
Huh.
All right.
Raul's going to take a casual glance around and walk to the bar.
The guy that's hitting on the pixie.
Just kind of, he looks a little upset and he's like, what do you want now?
Can't you see what I'm trying to play here?
Uh, are you the bartender?
Am I behind the bar?
Yes, but you're playing games.
You want some to drink?
Yes, please.
Raul glances around him and he's going to turn to Damocos.
What are you drinking?
Mead.
All have a mead, please.
That'll be too gold.
Raul pours himself the gold.
He says it in front of his face.
The bartender looks at Damocos and is like, that'll be too gold and glances back at Raul.
Raul hands him the gold.
He pours up a mead for you, hands it to you.
He's like, now I'm going to get back to some wing now.
Look, no one else needs drinks?
I don't think so.
All right.
He's going to walk over to the pixie.
Raul takes a big swig.
Chokes takes another swig.
Smaller swig.
If you're going to choke, give me a constitution.
Oh, fuck.
Just a constitution safe.
That will be a seven.
You choked pretty hard.
You spit up all of your mead on Damocos.
Sorry, old friend.
Why?
How am I supposed to get dry clothes now?
This is my only set of clothes.
Oh, bartender.
Can I get some napkins?
Oh my God.
What do you need?
Just some napkins will do.
He just takes a bunch and a hugs it at you.
They all fly around up and up riding from you.
Oh yeah, Raul's kind of just starting snatching napkins and dabbing at Damocos.
As you start dabbing, everybody just dabbed in here.
The whole room had to take a dab break.
Can I get a napkin?
A real quick, can I dab?
Cringe, alright.
The door swing opens a fourth time.
And you see Beaselbub.
I be a drink.
Not only what, perhaps even two.
Do you want to roll me for a second?
More.
Cringe, laser focused.
Do I see anybody else at the bar?
You are so focused on the bar that you see the bar.
Perfect, I've watched it right up there, loudly.
You just got spurs on that are just so loud.
The guy's already pouring a meat.
And he walks up to you and he's like, nice to see you again, Beasel.
Handjiya meat.
That will be one gold for you.
Look to Damocos.
Oh, I know.
Right, who's gonna...
I gladly paid the one gold and asked him how does it go with the ladies.
Oh, you know, just trying to get my flutter on right now if you know what I mean.
How do I feel?
I go up to the girl.
Okay.
Sorry, while this is happening, can I gear and make this way to the bathroom?
Yeah, it's been like 15 minutes.
What?
It's been like 15 minutes. Hypothetically, it's been...
You could meet there, it wouldn't be weird, is what I'm saying.
I'm trying to scope out.
In the bathroom?
Yeah.
No one's there. There's like a man taking a poop.
Is it like a multiple stall situation?
So there's like two stalls and what someone says in a urinal,
but it's just a bucket with a bunch of ice.
And then there's a man handing out a towel.
What?
Nice old piss.
As soon as you walked into the bathroom, the man holding the towel was like,
So, we're here for a fucker piss.
This was actually going to be a double two.
Double two.
This was actually going to be a number two.
Oh, I'm taking a shit. Stalls right there for yourself.
I'm going to go sit in the stall.
Okay.
Did you follow them in there?
Well, you know, a little bit.
I was scoping it out.
So what would be a piss or a wank?
Uh, neither.
Well, nice seeing you. That's all the bad looking stuff for you. Would you like a towel?
I'm here to thank somebody.
Oh, so a wank. I didn't expect you for a wank.
Well, if you want to wait over next to that stall, they're almost done.
Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.
Towels?
Towels are always good to clean up, if you know what I mean.
Of course.
I'm a professional.
In this line of work, you see a lot of jizz stains.
I dip it in one gold piece.
You guys, it puts it in his pocket.
Thank you so much.
Back to the bar real quick before your health goes down.
I want you a huge persuasion to get the bartender laid with a fairy.
Okay, what are you saying to her?
Well, my friend, known for a long time.
Long legal way way back.
Always let me cheat this pipe.
And, let me tell you.
Is that a sex thing?
Cheat that in this pipe.
Amazing event.
I would do it. From watching.
You got a nice pipe.
Wait, you ready? Here comes my girl voice for the pixie.
Oh my.
Oh yeah, I'm off to see her.
I'll tell you what, my friend, he doesn't get out too much.
He's always got this big tabard.
What are you saying, you just help him out?
Your persuasion?
Very cool.
You got a blow to sleep talking to him.
Well, I was thinking about fucking him, but you kind of come off as a little creepy.
I don't see that.
I don't see it.
She's going to grab her drink and look at the bartender.
I'll see her around and walk out with her drink.
She's out of the bar now. She's gone for the rest of the life.
I blew it.
Well, right open.
Right, you was just sipping at his meat like it's a tea and just like side eyeing that whole company.
Like none of my business.
I was just having a nice drink.
I understand you have a nice one.
Thank you. You should see me on the weekends.
But as you all noticed, there's an elf getting up from a billard table.
The door of the bathroom swings open.
You see the elf walk in and he gives you a look.
He's like, you already got the towel.
Alright, wouldn't these stalls open?
Oh well, we have to wait. You know, they're not done yet.
I got it. He goes over to the last stall, pounds it twice.
They're like, oh, we'll be on the second floor.
Ready, money, money, and it's gone.
Alright.
Two gnomes open the stall door.
They're like, I'd steer clear of the toilet.
A little bit of gnome business. You know what I mean.
Disgusting.
He goes out for a high five.
With the same elf.
The elf is the only one.
Yeah, he walked high seal.
He's looking at a game.
I don't want to high five.
Come on, man. The only game.
I'll go like, okay.
Finger in the palm.
Alright, he just walks out.
The elf looks to you.
Looks like we're in number two tonight.
He, uh...
Alright.
He looks at the towel man.
Gives him a gold coin.
Says, you know what to do.
The towel man turns to the magic item
that kind of looks like a light switch.
Oh yeah.
He's holding the candle.
Smooth jazz.
He presses a button and a bard walks in.
He starts playing some smooth jazz.
I'm waiting for you to get in the stall.
The elf walks down to the stall
and sits on the toilet seat kind of passing.
Gibbon walks over.
Closes the stall door.
What he doesn't reveal is that Gibbon's got a huge robot penis.
Can we roll for a minute?
No.
Can we roll for a minute?
D12 roll for a minute?
Yeah.
Oh man.
Mine entered.
And you need to roll for a minute.
So you walk into the stall.
It's one of those handicapped stalls.
So it's very roomy.
You can definitely get the deed done.
Does that have a changing tail?
You're actually not in the room.
He's above the table.
I'm waiting for the stall door to close.
The stall door closes.
I assume he's a little quiet.
I'm distracted.
I was like, here's the stall door closed.
It's a little bit nice.
So it's a bard and a bard.
Yeah.
The music is like, you're a god.
You're a god.
So you're just like in there.
You don't watch.
You're just like a cow.
Oh, I was just sitting.
Rekon.
Fast number two, huh?
I'm going to lean in and whisper.
I already paid this down.
I'm going to whisper.
Four to five.
Oh, to the Talmogad?
Okay.
Roll me a persuasion.
16.
He looks at you.
Would you like to keep the bard?
No.
You'll ruin that, Miss Mayor.
But I get it.
He walks out.
I paid him four gold.
Okay.
In the bard follows.
Okay.
I'm going to make sure the door is closed.
Like the bathroom door.
I'm going to swing open the stall door.
Hold on.
Are you distracting him?
Yeah.
How are you distracting him?
Lap dance, man.
Could you give me a performance real quick?
On seduction?
For sure you got it.
Even for the best setter, it's 12.
Performance?
11.
So the elf that's in there.
He's like, whoa, nine-inch robot cog.
Yeah.
But he's got your attention, though.
He's definitely got your attention.
You don't really need much with that kind of cock.
Oh, yeah.
How are you swaying it?
Just like helicopter.
Like not moving your hips at all.
Just a dreeeeere.
I'm going to see you back.
Oh my goodness.
Okay.
All right.
I'm going to swing the door open and say,
put away your cock and pull out your wallet.
Intimidation?
18.
He's like, whoa, man.
Just trying to get a little bit of that jerky.
Give me your wallet.
Okay, okay, okay.
Do you have to have the whole thing?
My kids' pictures are in there.
I'm keeping them.
They're dead.
I'm playing 10-8 again.
That's a fucking 16 in that time.
Okay, just take it.
And you as wallet.
There is about 12 gold in there.
Picture of his dead kids.
And a nice little library card.
Okay, so I'm going to like,
really, uh,
performously like,
pull the bag open,
pull out all the gold,
take the picture of his kid, throw it out of him.
Take the library card,
inspect it.
On further inspection,
the library card is to the Raybury Library.
Sick.
He has access to everywhere in there.
Whole access to the library.
I'm going to give him a high five.
Score both!
Score!
I'm going to give him a high five as well as his date.
All right.
He tracks after me.
I'm like,
just Mr. Clean stands the whole time.
He's kind of like the,
the extra mouth in the alien I'd like to presume.
So it goes out,
has it's own little mouth and face.
Jesus.
That's right.
Alright, well, back to the bar real quick.
What are you guys doing?
Just quietly sitting
meat and staring at,
Damacos.
I'm apologizing to the bartender.
I'm always, man.
I'm just swearing I'm going to make it up to him.
It's okay.
We'll do it another, it's, it's fine, I guess.
I think it's these two that really
fucked it up.
Yeah, we did the decals through with the atmosphere.
I'll make an exception.
You know, in elf by elf face.
In elf by elf face.
I'm actually quite a good elf.
Prove it.
That's what a good elf is.
That I would say.
How, how do I do that?
Alright, how much money do you got on you?
Well, eight gold, but I needed.
Okay, well, do you have any pride?
I would like to think so, yes.
Alright, I'm going to take that from you.
Okay.
You got an oars?
Well, I have a mount, yes.
I'll take that from you.
Okay, you got an oars?
Well, I have a mount, yes.
I'll mount.
Yes.
Okay.
Should we...
As you guys are...
You guys are disgusting.
An elf comes out of the bathroom
sobbing and he's running.
Goes out the front door.
Can we follow up?
You can follow up.
Was that a good time?
I'm going to come sit in the empty spot.
Sit in the empty spot.
So, on the far is that at the beginning,
there was one chair with a pixie in it.
She's gone now.
So, then it goes...
Damocos,
Raul, and then...
So, like, we're sitting right next to each other?
Yeah, you guys are already sitting next to each other.
There's two seats available on the right
of Beezlebub, and then the one seat
on the left to Damocos.
Well, what would give a stance?
Yeah, so I'm going to sit on the seat on the right of Raul
and then throw my arm around Damocos.
He wouldn't fucking believe what just happened.
I heard it was so fun.
That was a white surprise.
Goddamn right I did.
And then, as I said, I'm going to pull out the 12 gold.
I'm going to go drinks for everyone.
The bartender's like,
more work.
But I'm going to, like, look down the line here.
Let me just read this.
Oh, so speaking of your tap...
My tap?
Yeah, your friend Damocos.
My arm's still rounded.
I'm just fucking kidding.
You guys would pay for his beer?
I overcharged him because...
I overcharged.
I like Beezlebub.
Okay, he tried it with the ladies.
I'm going to go drink some beer.
Beezlebub, okay? He tried it with the ladies.
You just came in and wanted me to do my...
You overcharged him, but you overcharged him.
Sounds like personal problems.
Anyway, right now your tap is four gold.
What?
Well, use the toilet for the top.
Alright, so he gets out.
A couple more means passes him around the bar.
What are you guys doing here?
I think I've seen you here before.
You want to believe what kind of mouth this guy has?
I do quotations with my own teeth.
Sebastian is quite the fellow.
Oh, wow.
Sebastian, you say?
Sounds sensual. I like it.
Sebastian's not a cool person.
As you guys are, you know, getting to know each other.
Another man walks through the bar.
He's got this paper kind of up in front of his face, looking around.
He walks towards the bar, asks the barkeeper,
I'm looking for these five men.
I think you're men.
Are you guys men? You guys are men, right?
No.
No?
Well, you're...
I'm a man.
I'm looking for four men in a day.
I believe that means.
I believe that's the best.
Bartender just looks at you five.
Points at him.
And then he's like,
Hello, I am Gaff.
I'm looking for a Damacos,
a Bezelbub, a Raul, a gear,
and I think a Gibbon.
There's a zero in it, so I don't really get how I'm supposed to pronounce that.
It's a robot.
Are you...?
That's easy to me.
Sure.
Got it.
Alright, well, I'm here to escort you to the observatory.
So, when you guys are done getting your party scene on,
the carriage is here to take you away.
Not anywhere bad.
Why would you say that?
I think the whole group is going to exchange looks on that one.
To do what?
After he says not to.
Yeah, to do what?
Insight on the 14.
He seems like he's telling the truth.
Alright, I say it.
He seems a little nervous though.
Why would you say not to?
I'm usually doing these transports for like high-end security stuff,
but this one is just to grab and go.
You know?
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, but you guys are bad people.
I think you should be telling us that.
Listen, man, I see what you're trying to do here,
but I'm just saying you should maybe find another role in the work.
Yeah, you kind of suck at this.
You're kind of bad.
Let's get on this chair.
Let's go, though.
Let me roll to see if he cries.
Natural one.
He's soft.
I'll put my arm around him.
It's okay, man.
It's okay.
I just try to be really good.
And I say, he's lying.
He's serene and lying.
I just try to be a really good driver,
and they hired the premium package.
I'll be in the van.
Not the van.
I'll be in the carriage.
And he kind of wimpily walks outside to the carriage.
So do you want to get a little more trashed,
or should we have now?
Well, I believe this fellow is going to buy us a round fast.
Sure.
Let's do it.
Now, if you guys...
I'm the bartender now.
Hi, bartender.
Now, if you guys...
I overheard you guys are looking to get trashed.
You guys want to see some shit?
You'd say it like that.
Three gold each.
It's called this thing...
called the moon liquid.
Listen.
Yes, I'll pay this tap.
But you guys have to promise to be my friend.
You're my unconditional loyalty.
Alright, let's go.
Three rounds.
Now, if you guys want this moon liquid,
it's just a shot.
I cannot legally give you any more than that.
Wow.
Because legally, the last thing...
I think there's a lot of legal things in this place that aren't being...
Can I taste that?
Are you trying to persuade to get more?
Yeah.
Can't give you persuasion.
Well, this is happening.
I want to quickly throw my patron's signal in the bar.
You're going to draw it?
Yeah.
With what?
I don't think.
I have a quilt in me.
Give me a performance on how well it's written.
What was your persuasion?
16.
He's like, alright, just because you're cool.
I'll give you one extra, but you do not tell another soul here.
Is there a peccal or...
Probably not.
I mean, you're like a half-rubber or a half-rope game.
Okay.
21.
Yeah, you draw that so well.
God damn, you're like Picasso over there.
The bartender looks and is like, God, that really spruces up the place.
It looks good.
Looks good.
Thanks to the symbol of my patron.
What's your patron?
Name's Bell.
So he pours everybody out a shot.
So it's three views?
Yeah.
15.
Hell of a goal.
Gibbon has two shots.
Are you trying to hide it?
Everybody has a shot.
And everybody simultaneously takes it, I assume.
Yeah.
I think we're friends now.
Okay, I'm going to assume I'm immediately ship-faced.
Everybody give me a constitution save.
Sorry.
Microphone, sorry.
Do we add the...
The savings up here.
Okay, got the constitution saved.
20.
Fuck.
15.
9.
I'll be back with you in a second.
15.
Done.
4.
Done.
21.
Okay, so everybody 20 and up.
Was that even alcohol?
You are not even remotely phased by it.
Now, Gibbon, give me another constitution save.
For your second shot.
Oh.
8.
So an 8 and a 5?
A 9.
8 and a 9.
Okay, so you are wondering, are you really a war force?
You're just a fleshy man.
You're so far gone that you're slurring every word.
You don't know what's going on.
If you had to drive right now, it'd be into a tree.
You got a...
15.
Okay, so you're filling the effects.
You're definitely pretty buzzed and pretty tipsy, but you're not all the way ship-faced.
Well, what do we get?
Nothing, you're drunk.
No, I like to finish.
Okay, you got 4?
Yeah.
You're so far gone, you're with Gibbon right now.
You're even farther than Gibbon.
You've never had this in your entire life.
And words cannot comprehend.
You can't even get out of word, I assume.
But you're so ship-faced and stumbling everywhere.
You don't know what's going on.
And what, you got a 19?
Bezel.
Bezel?
I got 21.
21?
Okay, yeah.
So you don't even experience alcohol.
I'm only going to bartender.
I don't know.
Fuck with this, this is nothing.
I demand another.
I'm over there.
I look to my left and right and they're fucking like...
So everybody that had a 10 and lower, you're going to be taking disadvantage on action roles, basically.
Action and charisma roles.
So write that down.
Look, I'm only allowed to sell one.
Yeah, I'm your friend.
Roll me a persuasion.
Right here, you want to give me a persuasion?
Yeah, but I think you're going to get 18 on persuasion.
Okay, what'd you get?
What did you get me?
You just wanted another one, right?
Yeah, didn't you say this is not the same thing?
Shaders?
Give me a persuasion real quick.
17.
Okay.
He looks at both of you and he's like, you guys look like you can handle it.
What?
Don't tell your friends.
Hands you two more shots.
Give me another constitution if you decide to drink it.
Right before doing this, I tell my friends.
Okay, you're kicked out of the bar.
What is the constitution?
18.
Yes.
Okay.
I needed that other one.
Okay, with your second shot, you're feeling a little more obliterated.
You're stumbling around a lot.
You could probably drive.
Heavy horses or...
Heavy horses, maybe some big machinery.
Come on, let's go around here.
The carriage driver comes back in, wipes away his last tears.
Are you guys coming or...
Notice that everybody except gear is shitting.
We're coming.
Five minutes ago, all these people were completely...
Everybody is now shit-faced.
Well, no, actually, you're still fine and you're still...
You're pretty drunk.
You don't get the disadvantage stuff, but you're drunk as fuck.
I'm functioning.
You're functioning drunk.
And I thought...
He hasn't taken it yet.
He's keeping it.
But, yeah.
Here's all for the party by now.
So I'm gonna look around the whole house and say,
Let's fucking it all out!
Party.
Let's go!
Can we bring the bar on the carriage?
You can ask him.
If he's cool, look at...
I want to roll over persuasive to take the bar.
Oh, the bar?
The bar.
Oh, the bar.
Just go up to him and tell him what you say real quick and then roll.
Yo, man, we need some music for a ride.
You want to come to work?
You need music?
I charge.
I'm also drunk.
Fifteen gold a day.
What if we roll these and you're for...
How long is the carriage ride?
Do we know?
No.
Okay, listen, we don't know how long the carriage ride is,
but I'll tell you what, we can settle up when we get there, maybe.
Let me personally...
We get there the whole day?
I got six.
That's not enough.
Look, I'm sorry, but I am the prize silver sword bar.
I don't just go around willy-nilly unless there's something worth my while.
I don't think I could afford you...
You're surprised.
I'm...
You're surprised.
I'm amazing.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm sorry, I'm a little lost drunk again.
You know, the little beat over there.
I'm amazing.
So do you want my services or not?
I can't afford you, sweet cheeks.
See ya.
Okay, bye.
All right, let's go.
All right, so...
Woo!
So you guys all start stumbling towards the wagon.
Not the wagon.
So basically what you see is you see two horses out in front of this carriage.
The carriage is kind of like one of them old pioneer carriages.
It's got that whole canvas covered wagon.
There's some nice leather seats in the back and three bottles of champagne in a nice golden bucket.
With ice all over it.
It's got five cups.
And you guys are ready to go.
Can I have Sebastian following us?
Yeah.
You guys see a giant stag.
Just scoop Ryul into the back of the wagon with his antlers.
He's just crawling around drunk.
People say that's not fair.
Sebastian just gives you a head nod.
Does he disappear or what?
I'm just having him just talking about it.
Yeah, just following.
So Gap turns around and is like,
Okay, you guys ready for your journey?
There is champagne back there.
Help yourself.
And if you guys do need some music, let me know.
I'm a pretty good singer.
I need some music.
Okay, sing the song.
This is a song about a red dragon paying taxes.
Oh, in my layer, in my layer, I'm a dragon.
You can't have my gold because I don't want to pay taxes.
That was absolutely right.
I misjudged you.
You were amazing.
Improv.
I'm going to crack a ball.
Okay.
As he's still singing, he's going to still sing about the red dragon doing taxes.
It's like a fucking hammer.
Yeah, I think he's doing something.
Yeah.
So, yeah, the carriages start to go on your journey.
Gap turns around, notices you're right next to him.
So, you guys know what you're doing?
No.
Me and my robot here, actually, just named Givin.
Sorry, Givin.
Sorry, there's Givin.
Can we just kind of know about some observatory and some wacko guy promising us a gold?
Yes.
I'm here to drop you off in front of the observatory of Apati.
Apati.
Apati?
Oh, Apati.
The guy that hired you guys.
Now, real quick, you guys have the letters, right?
Yes.
Okay.
Somewhere?
Can I get them?
I need to make sure that you all are some hooligan.
Yeah, I'll pull up, mate.
Yeah, I'll find it.
Are you listening?
What?
Could I get the letters that Professor Apati gave you?
Yeah.
All right.
Kind of collects all your letters, I assume.
We pull it out of Ryle's fucking dead body.
My top half is leaving out the back of the wagon, throwing up.
I just go over and fucking dig my hands in his pockets.
They start to pull shit off.
I can find it.
I'm a loony thing.
Is that good?
Yeah, everything seems to be in place.
Do you guys want these, or do you want me to just huck them into nature?
I'll take mine.
All right, okay.
I'll take that and then follow the champagne.
You know, those are supposed to be drank in the carriage.
If you don't drink it, it's for other customers.
I drink it all the time.
Give me a Constitution save again.
Just him.
He's drinking the entire champagne bottle.
We're finally getting some.
17.
All right, you don't, you down it without vomiting, but you have more effects of drunkenness.
So I expect more slurs out of your way.
We need some drunk role play, please.
What do you guys want?
I don't know what guys.
Just like that.
That's all I need.
Are you my nephew?
You made that.
So do you guys have any questions about what you're working for?
Or should we put this tail in the high gear, baby?
Let's go.
What are you talking about?
I figured you wanted to ask some questions about the man that hired you.
If not, we will get on there.
You don't like to tell anything.
You're like fucking idiot.
I'm just like, hey, hey, hey.
Another tear goes off.
Dan McCoskin, you're all being restrained these days.
That was all your business.
He's doing it for us.
Ryan was in the back.
Oh!
I don't know.
If you know anything really important, why don't you tell us?
You heard his feelings, so give me a persuasion.
I don't know if I want to talk to that one.
Yeah, that's all right.
I'm all in the backseat.
Okay, I'll tell you.
Well, are you guys from around Raybury at all?
Absolutely.
So you are.
We are.
Okay, so you guys know about the accident that happened a couple years back?
Obviously.
Oh, okay, then I don't have to tell you.
Could you refresh my name?
Yeah, I don't know.
So a couple years back, Professor Apati, he was one of the best professors at the University of Raybury.
Now, because of the accident that he claims he had no responsibility for, but since most of half of his class were evaporated at a thin air.
Not really thin air.
It's very agonizing and slow.
He was kicked out of the town, and now he lives on the outskirts in some observatory.
I've only been there a couple times.
I've dropped off some other adventurers like you guys.
I'm sorry, can I get some clarification here?
Yeah, yeah.
So Professor Apati hired you?
Oh yeah, I'm just a driver.
So he pigs you to pick people up and tell them about how we evaporated that.
That's just my own little work.
Okay, alright.
Alright, how am I about to continue?
I'll have a cup of tea.
Alright, love me some good tea.
Now, if you guys have any tea...
I'll have some fucking tea.
He's gonna shed one or two.
But yeah, a lot of people say that he purposely murdered them.
A lot of people say that, you know, it was an accident gone wrong, but we still had to kick him out because, you know, lots of kids died.
Is there any secrets with this library that they have?
A library?
Or, yeah, that...
The university?
The university.
No, it's run by a pretty well guy, the Lord of Galphodin.
He runs the university in the whole town.
Is there class-style information at the university or anything?
I'm the carriage driver.
Obviously, I didn't get an education.
I didn't even tell.
But no, that's kind of it.
Kind of lives alone except with his goblin friend, Lart.
You'll love Lart.
Lart?
My fart.
Give him.
Come on.
Come on, please.
I wouldn't say that around him, it's pretty touchy.
But as time went on, the carriage ride seemed to go on a little longer than you were hoping.
It is definitely nightfall now, but you have arrived in front of this giant observatory.
In the first part, it's kind of like a big tower that leads into the rest of the facility.
So a big stone tower, and then in the back, it's just this big oval-type building
with a huge telescope on the top, kind of looking towards the town.
And that's kind of what you see on the outside.
Surrounded by forests, there's like a little husbandry full of animals.
There's a horse corral.
And that's kind of all you guys see on the outside.
Gaff turns around and is like, well, this is your final destination.
Gaff really made me something.
You're the worst.
You are the worst carriage ride.
I love Gaff.
He's a little drunk, isn't he?
They're a little drunk.
They're not sober at all.
So I do accept tips.
Oh, you do accept tips?
I'll give you my tip.
All right.
Thanks, Tugol.
He's like, all right, guys, you just got to go inside.
I'm sure that the goblin boy and the professors are going to meet you inside there somewhere.
That's all I was just instructed, bring you here.
So I'm going to head out.
Cool.
Suck.
All right.
Thanks, Gaff.
You have a go on.
Hey, thanks for the tip.
It gives you a wink.
Red tracking.
Tax, man.
Red tracking.
He starts going away.
You can hear him screaming that.
He put it in.
That grind.
So yeah, you guys are left in front of these observatory.
Most of the effects of the alcohol is kind of worn off.
You're still feeling a little too good.
But it was a long carriage ride.
Shot.
He's not wasted no more.
No, you're still feeling it, but you're not wasted.
So you get to the doors.
There's a sign on it that says, do you speak no or no?
You speak no?
How?
So you can see that it says push, do not pull.
That's it.
There's going to be a whole thing.
I didn't realize you could speak no.
Never mind.
I can read it in here.
Okay.
Really?
Does not open.
Did you want to relay your message?
I'm just going to push the door.
As the door opens, first puzzle solved.
The door kind of opens into this nice little waiting room almost.
It's got a couple of couches.
It's got a reception desk on the reception desk.
It says LART.
I'm going to write for her.
There's another set of double doors that go in.
There's a staircase that leads farther up to the tower.
Is there anyone in the room?
The room seems completely vacant.
You can give me a perception if you want to look more.
I want to look specifically for a bell.
That's a 19 plus 3.
So you do not see a bell.
But along the desk, you can kind of make out that there's just some weird gelatin-like stuff.
Kind of all over the desk and leading towards the double doors.
I'm going to put the door in the two-pointed pocket.
Yeah, give me a perception.
The best date of the time is 13.
13?
You see a very expensive vase just in the middle of the waiting room between the couches.
Does it look like a bagpack?
Is it just a backpack or is it like a bag of holding?
No, it's just a bag.
If you made some room, then you could definitely fit the vase.
Immediately dumps at all as per a snow-covered bag.
From last session, I still have a LOOP of bottles.
LOOP of bottles.
You still have six LOOP of LOOP in there.
It's from a previous time.
A bottle of LOOP.
All the LOOP?
You could fit that out like...
You could have two in there and fit the vase.
Yes.
What?
You could put it in the vase.
It's like Resident Evil inventory.
So we could stack it precisely.
It's like, you fucking dumb.
Put it in the vase.
Did you want to give me an investigation on the boot?
Absolutely.
While he's doing that, can Rae will be like,
Hello?
You get no response back.
Oh my, I don't think anyone's hit.
Seven.
It hurts.
No.
Finger immediately starts sizzling.
Give me a D4.
Three.
Take three acid damage.
I followed the trail.
The trail.
Should we just walk in?
It was just the minimum.
But it leads into the door.
It also leads into the double doors.
Wait.
Yeah, I say, you know, there's a trail of goo.
You should probably follow it.
I'm not sure.
I hate to do a tap on the risk guy.
So you guys open the next swinging doors,
and it's just a giant laboratory on the bottom.
Like a bunch of different beakers.
Oh yeah, that's what it, that's the base.
It's the size roughly.
It's a extremely large.
There's a bunch of different lab equipment scattered around.
There's like those big, I don't even know what to call them,
but it's in every mad scientist movie you've ever seen.
Like a Tesla coil?
Tesla coil.
There's like two big Tesla coils in the back,
and then there's a staircase that kind of leads up,
and you can see an open concept of like,
of the observatory on like some grates.
Okay.
There's like a catwalks up there?
Yeah, there's catwalks.
Okay.
Can I roll a perception to see if I can understand
any of what the laboratory is doing?
Like, if he's making anything?
Yeah, give me a perception.
Can I roll to see if there's anyone in here?
Can I start bugging with shit?
Yeah, start bugging with shit.
A 16 to see for lab equipment?
He's like what are you making?
So he's not necessarily making anything right now,
but you do see on his desk like blueprints for a machine
that you do not understand.
Like he's making a pretty big machine.
I rolled a 13 for people.
You do not see people, but you do hear like sludging around.
Is it coming from like inside the room?
Is it coming from...
As you say that.
I think I hear slapping.
You feel a nice little, almost like a tap,
but it's kind of like a bird's shadow on your shoulder.
And then a burn.
I am wearing pauldrons.
Yes, so when it does go on you,
it is starting to corrode away everything that it touches.
Five of gods!
Ryul's going to try and swipe away at it.
Okay.
I look up.
As you look up, there's two giant gelatinous cubes
hanging from the ceiling.
Thank you for listening to Episode 1 of Chaotic Stupid.
I was Tanner, your DM.
Gear played by Kacen.
Gibbon played by Bo.
Damocos played by Ryder.
Ryul played by Alex.
And Bezelbub played by Connor.
The intro and outro music is fun and common by Wavemaster.
Art by Gavin.
Look him up by Weirdo Studio on Twitter and YouTube.
And follow us on Instagram, ChaoticDND Stupid,
and Chaotic Stupid on Twitter.
Sorry again for the audio.
We ran into technical difficulties and we will be,
and it will be fixed.
Thanks again for listening.