Welcome to Dating Log, the podcast that records the ups and downs of dating in your 30s.
I'm your host, Wyndham Juneau, and this is episode 12, the litmus test of dating.
How do you know when to call it dating?
And how do you know when to call it a relationship?
According to my next guest, there are certain litmus tests we can do to determine that.
Jimmy gave me my first solid piece of dating advice 15 years ago when we met, which he
shares in this episode as well.
We're also going to talk about what it's like to be dating in a culture that is completely
different than the one you grew up in.
By the way, hang around after the episode for an end of season note from me.
Enjoy!
Okay, so my name is Jimmie.
I live in China.
I've been living here for seven and a half years.
It'll be eight years in April.
And I guess recently the way I use the app I use the most to meet people for dates is
Tinder.
I want to kick off the episode with the general question.
How is dating going for you?
It's not going very much at the moment.
So recently I haven't been doing a lot of dating, but I think that's a little bit more
just about where I am in my life.
And also the fact that dating in my city, even like we're a small Chinese city, even
though our population is around four or four and a half million, a lot of the women I end
up connecting with on Tinder are either in cities like Nanjing or Suzhou or Shanghai,
which are nearby cities.
They're a little bit more internationally minded.
So like a lot of the women I come across on Tinder generally have lived abroad or studied
abroad at a university for some time.
So I think that's why they tend to be on Tinder.
But also sometimes it can be a little hard dating here because of cultural differences.
But yeah, recently not a lot of action.
This is a podcast about dating in your 30s and beyond, how your experience dating in
China has been, let's say since you've been 30, because I do know that you have been dating
and we're dating for quite a while and we'll get to why you're not dating.
But first tell us about that.
So how would I characterize it?
I guess like dating life and sex life is pretty good, but having a love life is a little bit
harder.
How so?
Well, it's been more casual relationships than like serious ones and it's very hard
because either you date girls in other cities or if you date girls here, there's basically
two types of dating that I've experienced, which is girls who are from outside of the
city who live here.
And generally that's a lot easier.
Whereas girls who live here, especially if they live with family, which is pretty common
for most people until they're married, unless they live in a different city or they have
a good amount of money, is harder because you'll be out at a bar or on a date and around
anywhere from like nine to 11 o'clock girls will start getting calls from their mothers
or from their fathers being like, where are you?
What are you doing?
Who are you with?
When are you coming home?
Because there's a bigger push to get married here at a younger age because getting married
over here, not always, but in general is a lot more focused on two families becoming
one family rather than two people being in love.
So a lot of the compatibility of marriage comes with like, do the families approve?
And generally what type of financial situation?
And sometimes there's still like a wedding price where a man will pay a price to a family
or give like a kind of exorbitant gift or like have to put down a deposit on a house
or a home and the woman's parents have to approve of that.
How is that for you to be dating, let's say locals, people who live there, knowing that
there are these expectations or ideals around relationships and dating?
Well that's one of the difficulties of finding someone compatible is because I'm really not
interested in trying to live up to those expectations or those traditions.
Because like even in America, I want to consider myself a very traditional person, but especially
here it's a lot harder.
So sometimes you know that relationships have a bit of an expiration date on them.
And as well, like when you meet women who are more independently minded, they're not
as maybe interested in a long-term thing.
Or if you meet women who are more traditional, it's a lot easier to have a very fleeting
relationship that's mostly kind of, I would say romantic sexual.
Where like there is a bit of romance, but a lot of it's about sex because they know
that because you're not from inside their community, it's not going to get back to people
that they know.
No one's ever going to find out about this short dalliance that they had with some foreign
dude.
Yeah, I think the last two years, almost every girl I've dated has been in another city nearby.
They're just, it tends to be a little bit more easy.
It tends to like in some ways because you don't know these people, no one else knows
them.
So you kind of start off with a fresh blank slate.
How do you define dating?
You know, going out where you know that there's something more than friends, that there's
a romantic and a physical attraction and set of possibilities.
And then I think the difference between like a few dates in dating is then like when you
and that person check in on a, you know, at least a two to three day basis and you clear
weekend plans before you make weekend plans with someone else.
Like I would kind of define that as like one of the litmus tests of dating of like, oh
well Friday I'm going to go out with friends, but what are you doing Saturday?
Oh well then how about Sunday?
We get together at this time and it's like kind of implied that you're going to try and
see each other at least once a weekend or once a week when you're both not at work.
Yeah, I like that definition.
Yeah I feel like that's a very like Seinfeld kind of definition where they sit around it's
like, oh can I do the phone break up?
And it's like how many dates is, do you have a tampon in your apartment?
Oh well then you've got a girlfriend.
And so I kind of feel like if it's like, oh do you check with someone else before you
make weekend plans and like figure out when's their free time before you solidify the other
weekend plans you might have with friends.
So I think, I mean it's, and it's also like, you know, a lot of people are kind of commitment
foes and they don't want to put labels on things.
So I kind of think it's very healthy to think of relationships in certain ways.
Like you know, I've been learning Chinese and I teach English so I think a lot about
language learning and there's a real debate of like, how do you define fluency?
And some people are like, oh if you can do this test or you've spent this much time,
but then there are, there's other ideas of like, can you go in the language you're learning
to one of their supermarkets and write out a handwritten list of groceries you need in
that language and ask someone in the store.
So like it's, so I think there's like certain, what are your habit qualifications?
So I think dating and relationships are based a lot more on habit than just like what you
say is like your status.
Do you think there are other litmus tests of when a dating becomes a relationship?
That's a good question.
Where, when does dating go into relationship?
Cause I mean, dating itself is a form of a relationship, but I know what you mean.
I think maybe too, when you and your partner have a discussion about exclusivity and when
you guys decide that you have a very defined set of boundaries of what type of relationships
you have with other people that are beyond friendship are acceptable and unacceptable.
Like one for me is I've had girlfriends live with me in China.
So the last time that happened was probably about four years ago.
It's probably about 30, 31 and I invited my girlfriend at that time to live with me.
But one of the boundaries of the relationship was like, Hey, if you move in, I had an apartment
with four bedrooms.
I'm like, your bedroom is not my bedroom.
And it's not that we, we can't sleep together on a regular basis, but if you're going to
be here, then I want you to have your own space.
I'm going to pay for the apartment in full.
You don't have to pay rent because I'm paying for the space anyway.
So you moving in isn't an extra expense.
But the thing for me was like, I want you to have a place where like you can close the
door or like if we also had different weekends.
So at that time I used to work on Saturday and Sundays and my Mondays and Tuesdays or
Tuesdays and Wednesdays were my day off.
So like if I went out with friends, especially work friends, it was usually Sunday or Monday
nights.
She worked Monday through Friday.
So I was like, look, some of this is also really practical.
Do you really want me coming home at like 3 30 in the morning after being shit house
drunk with my buddies and like get into bed with you when you're going to wake up in four
hours and go to work.
And the other thing is like, look, I want you to have your space because I don't want
you to feel trapped or locked in.
If we're going to be together, then I want you to choose me and I want you to like have
the freedom to have your own space, have a door in the place where like I will give you
the respect of your privacy and knock on the door.
But I also want that too.
I like I want to be able to like curl up in my bedroom.
Like if you're living here, if you want to have friends over, like I want like my room
that I can go to and have my own space and like be my own person.
So I think when I get to that point, I know I'm in a relationship.
You said the word commitment folk.
What is your relationship with that word?
My relationship with it.
I guess I could probably be described as a little bit commitment phobic, but I don't
personally think I am.
I think I'm just much more down to earth and realistic about things and about like that
life is kind of weird and life is long and like finding someone that you're in love with
and you're going to spend time with isn't necessarily just about the right person, but
also about like the right time in the right place in your life.
Because I've met people who like I've had insane chemistry and attraction to, but the
circumstances of our life just make it gruelingly difficult.
And that's not something I at times have been okay for.
And then the other times when I've been like, no, I'm down for that sacrifice.
They'd be like, I'm not.
So I don't think I'm particularly commitment phobic, but I've only really had two relationships
that have gone past the 10 month mark.
Yeah, I don't think I'm very commitment phobic, but I think it's very, very hard to find people
where you can tolerate a lot of the more mundane and boring parts of relationship with.
There's a lot of people I've dated who like we can go out and have a lot of exciting fun
and be with friends and go to bars and go to nice restaurants and go to a fun location
or like a little weekend trip and getaway, but then spending Friday through Sunday just
at home in the apartment doing nothing tends to drive.
I found it tends to drive the people I'm with more nuts, which then drives me a little bit
more nuts.
I'm pretty okay with being in the same room with someone all day long and barely talking
to them.
I find a lot of comfort in that, but I find that for other people sometimes, and especially
in dating, that it can sometimes freak people out a little bit because they're like, why
are you saying?
You don't want me to be here?
You don't want this?
No, I do.
Just like, I don't know, I'm reading a book, playing my video game.
What are you doing?
What is it that you've been looking for while you're dating?
I guess the thing is, I don't... Okay, I guess there's two answers to that.
I guess the one is trying not to look too hard.
There's a show, I might ostracize myself from some people listening, but there's a great
Louis CK show that he did right before he got Me Too that if he hadn't of been Me Too,
it would have been a lot more famous, but it's like a piece of American theater.
It's amazing.
It's called Horse and Peets, but there's this one episode and it's in a bar.
This one character after this bad date, blah, blah, she's talking there how she can't just
find love and blah, blah, and the one character is like, you can't find love.
He's like, I was an actor for years, but I couldn't do pratfalls.
I couldn't fall and make it look real because falling is supposed to be an accident.
You can't try to fall.
It's just not the same.
He's like, and that's why they call it falling in love.
You can't try and find love.
It has to happen to you.
I think I'm very cautious of overly looking or setting myself up for a goal of having
a relationship.
Maybe I'm a little bit more that way because in China, it's a big thing of get a relationship,
get married, have a kid, and then all of a sudden you have free time.
I think that's also why a lot of people step out of their relationships after they're married
here because it's the first time in their life that no one's bothering them and they
have a certain amount of independence, but that's a bit of a different topic.
I guess what I look for in a relationship is someone who wants to share their life and
have my life share with them, share our time, but that respects the idea and doesn't want
my time or their time to only be our time.
That there's a certain level of independence on both sides and that there's a certain amount
of self-preservation involved.
I think it's a little bit irresponsible maybe and a little bit wrong to love someone fully,
fully because imagine if you really love someone and they really love you and then some terrible
accident befalls them or befalls you.
What would you want for that person?
Would you want them to be so connected and so strongly bound to you that it would be
like a crippling injury and that they would no longer be able to function?
I don't think so.
I think you would really want them to be able to continue to be the person that you've always
loved and cared about and admired.
Of course, I think everyone wants everyone else to be a little bit sad for them when
we lose something and be sympathetic to us, but I also think it's a little bit selfish
to want someone to fully have to take on your feelings of loneliness or to be completely
dedicated to you.
The way that emperors in olden days would have slaves buried with them.
I wouldn't want to trap someone in.
I guess I look for partner.
I look for a woman.
I'm a heterosexual guy and I look for a woman who's pretty independent and who is interesting
and who I feel we have an equal partnership with.
I think having a feeling of equality and equity in the relationship is a really vital thing
for me because I feel like if there's nothing I can offer or there's something that someone
else can't offer where we fill a little open slot, kind of like a jigsaw puzzle, then the
relationship seems a little bit mismatched to continue to go with that jigsaw puzzle
thing.
Because if someone contributes and makes your life better, then I think of course you would...
It's like having a job where you're no good, but you can just get away with it.
Some people will go for that, but I think a lot of people, generally, they get tired
and they'll leave a job like that because there's no satisfaction of being able to contribute
to the company and the culture.
Camping out in someone's life, I don't think is a very nice feeling.
Camping out in someone's life.
I've met people who've done this for years or I meet people who just completely lose
any sense of their independence and spend all their time together.
There was a couple who...
I worked in an English training center for a long time and I'm still friends with a lot
of those people even though that school no longer exists.
We had this one married couple from America come.
One day we were talking to the guy, Matt, the names were Chris and Matt, and we were
like, Matt, do you ever spend any time by yourself?
He's like, well, sometimes when Chris and I go to the gym, I'm on the treadmill while
she's lifting weights.
We're like, oh, Jesus.
Wow, cool.
We were all very polite to him.
He was a coworker, he was a nice guy, but me and a couple of my friends were like, oh
my God.
That's something for you then.
No.
Actually, I guess one of my goals is...
This is going to sound really stupid, but I think a really good litmus test or a really
good proof for love and comfort and companionship with someone is when you're having a really
good time by yourself in many different situations, whether it's with other people, whether you're
on the couch watching TV, if you're traveling, and you think, wow, this is so nice.
I'm so at peace right now, but if I had this other person with me, it wouldn't disturb.
It would only enhance this.
That's a nice way to think about it.
Why do you think you haven't found this yet, what you're looking for?
My thing is I guess in one way, like I was saying before, I'm not super looking for something.
I'd rather have something happen and be like, oh my gosh.
I am on Tinder and I've been flipping through recently, but sometimes I'll flip through
and I'll just be like, ugh, and I just close out a little bit and like, ugh, this is torture.
This is no fun.
Other times, I sit there and I'm like, ooh, maybe, ooh, maybe.
Sometimes I have a sliding scale of optimism and pessimism, but I think I've had some relationships
in the past that in hindsight could have been, but I think they weren't because it wasn't
the right time and place.
I think maybe at my core, I'm the same person, but I think maybe I hadn't developed certain
parts of me to be able to identify and hold on to those relationships.
But then it's a little bit like trying to get a genie back in a bottle thinking that
way.
Because also, who are they now and what priorities have shifted in their life?
And sometimes you think, oh, if I could only meet up back with this person again, but of
course you can never go in the same river twice.
I think also because I've been here seven and a half years, when I first came to China,
my plan was to be there at least a year, probably two.
And then after being here about four months, I was like, all right, I'm going to be here
three years.
And then it just kind of continually rolled on.
So now I'm thinking it's probably going to be, this will probably be my last year.
I think I'm going to be moving in July.
I don't have a lot keeping me here beyond the fact that I enjoy China and I enjoy learning
Chinese.
So I think also at certain times in my time here where I've met someone where I think
there maybe was real potential to have a longer relationship, I think part of the practicality
in me held me back.
And also the honesty in me.
I really don't like leading people on.
That was a bad habit I was into more in college and maybe in the early 20s.
And I saw myself hurting some people and I felt a lot of guilt and I did a lot of reflection.
And it's hard not to.
When you really like someone and you want them in your life, it's very hard to sometimes
be fully honest with them when you know that it might mean that it gives them a way out.
But I don't know, I guess the big thing in some ways is I'm just very quick to figure
out like, hey, this is fun, but I don't think it's going anywhere super long term.
So that's how I feel.
How do you feel?
If you're down for just spending a lot of time together and having fun, then let's do
it and let's enjoy the time we have.
But I don't know where I'm going to be next year.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Because also living here, you have a year by year contract and residence permit and
ability to legally stay.
So sometimes planning longer.
And again, I think maybe in another country, I might have, like if I was in America, I
might be in a long term relationship.
But here, like women are a lot of women who are single, not all of them, but quite a few
are like, hey, I've got these long term plans.
I'm looking for marriage.
I'm looking for this.
Or like I dated one girl, one of the ones who maybe could have been, and we dated kind
of on and off, not completely monogamously, not completely committed.
And we were open about that.
But we were together about two years.
So that would have actually been the longest relationship.
And she was a girl I worked with.
She was my teacher assistant at work.
And so that was also a little bit of dangerous boundary.
But that, it worked out well for a couple not great reasons.
Well, I guess they're not bad reasons, but they're a little bit unusual reasons.
I was, let me think about it.
I was probably about six, seven years older than her.
Probably like after maybe about a year, a year and a half together, we were saying,
I love you on a regular basis.
We were really close.
At one point when we got really emotionally more committed, she was like, look, you got
to realize at some point I'm going to move back to my hometown and marry a Chinese guy.
This relationship is never going to go beyond another year because I would never, I would
never marry you because my family and my parents and being close to them and giving them a
home that they would understand and the type of thing that they expected me is really important.
And like, I get to pick my guy and I'm going to pick a guy who makes me happy, but you
don't meet one of the big requirements, which is being Chinese and from my hometown.
And you don't want to live and stay here forever.
She's like, I would never move to America.
I would never, if we were to have a kid, I wouldn't want him to go to school in America.
I would only want him to go to school in China.
So, and like, but I respected her because of that, because I was like, okay, that's,
that's cool.
I'm very okay with that.
I'm comfortable with that.
Let's enjoy the time we've had.
So I guess that's, that's a long winded bunch of reasons why I've been not in a long term
committed relationship since I've been here.
At the beginning of our conversation, you said you're not dating right now.
Can you tell me about that process and why are you not dating and what does that exactly
mean?
So it's not that I'm making a decision, I'm not like, I need to abstain from this or that,
but I've also, I think where it's like maybe a few years ago and in the past where I've
been more okay having casual fun, looking more for physical and sexual relationships
and short term short lived things.
I think I'm a little bit tired of that.
I feel like I'm a little bit burnt out here in China.
So that's one of the reasons why this is going to be one of my last years here.
So I have a little bit of burnout fatigue and for the most part, like when I've had
opportunities or meetups or like women to chase after, to try and make something happen,
I'm almost tired before I even began.
I'm like, ugh, what a, what trouble, ugh, who needs it?
It feels like the opportunities I've had to date or on Tinder have felt a little bit like
playing a game or like trying to win an elect, like if I went after those girls, it'd be
more like trying to win an election instead of like doing the job because there's no better
candidate.
Like, I don't know if that makes sense, but I just, I just feel like unless it's very
upfront, like, hey, we might just hook up this one time and that might just be it, then
it's not cool to do.
And especially like on Tinder and stuff, like a lot of the girls were like, no one night
stands, not looking for a hookup, interested in a relationship, things like that.
And so I'm like, okay, well I'm not, so let me, you know, I'm not going to lie to someone.
What do you find the most frustrating about dating?
I guess the first smartest answer that comes to mind is texting.
I really fucking hate that at times.
Yeah.
I, I don't like playing the phone game a lot.
And then I think I know I can be a frustrating person.
But sometimes myself is one of the most frustrating parts because sometimes I can like hear voices
back in my head like, oh, just let it go.
It's not a big deal.
And like, I just fucking open my mouth anyway.
And I'm like, you idiot.
And even though I'm in my head being like, this is stupid.
None of this matters.
I just like can't help but scratch the mosquito bite.
So I can be frustrating.
But I think, I think to just like having, like, I think I've had my heart broken quite
a few times before and I've experienced quite a bit of loss in my life.
So like a lot of things I think that like come with like stupid arguments and problems
in relationships, I don't have a lot of patience for, I don't have a lot of patience for like
a lot of petty shit.
I don't know where you are on like the scale of how much it bothers you when someone chews
with their mouth open.
In China, like it happens a lot more.
I don't mind it at restaurants and like in eating at tables, especially in big groups.
But I was dating this girl kind of on and off and we were at my house, we were watching
a movie and she was chewing gum.
It's just the two of us.
And we're watching a movie and she's just like, I was like, look, I'm not upset or blah,
blah, blah.
I was like very like, be cool.
Don't be, don't just fucking say the first thing in your head.
You're going to sound bad if you do.
I was like, look, babe, I, I adore you very much.
But like, you're just chewing your mouth open.
It's just killing me.
Can you, can you please, can you please not do that?
And anyway, it was fine and it wasn't a big deal.
And then like later on, like our relationship, the rough patch and she was like, I just don't
feel free when I'm with you.
And I'm like, what do you mean you don't feel free?
She's like, you're very controlling.
You're like, give me an example.
And she's like, well, like that time when I was chewing gum with my mouth open, like
who cares if I chew with my mouth open, I felt very controlled.
And I was just like, really?
That's your death.
So then I was like, that's your definition of control.
So that didn't go well.
Or like her other example was like, she was like, when I'm at your house and you cook
and I do the dishes, you insist that I use hot water to wash the dishes.
And I'm like, well, what, how is that a complaint that you have?
And so I find sometimes when people have like little like things like that, that can be
hard for me in a relationship of just like, and I guess that's like, when you know you're
like really in a relationship you love is like when you like the person more than your
threshold of like being annoyed by them and being annoyed and having stupid arguments
over silly shit is better.
Another litmus test.
Yeah, it really is.
And I think also like when you can kind of be a little bit of that unreasonable person
making a case about something and the person can like go with it and then give you shit
about it later, but not make you feel bad about it.
So the thing is like, I don't feel bad about telling that girl like to like chew with her
mouth open, but I felt bad when she told me that later that she felt that way.
Because like when I when I've had people like friends or relationships where I get made
fun of for being unreasonable at certain times, I'm like, yeah, okay, yeah, I was being reasonable.
And the fact that she felt really strongly about it makes me feel like, okay, then this
is something else in the gum chewing.
This is indicative of some other type of insecurity.
And I feel bad that like she couldn't be more open or in touch about that insecurity with
me because it's like, who the fuck cares if you chew with your mouth open or not?
And like if someone's like, do you mind?
You know what I mean?
Like, yeah, it bothers you for like 10 seconds.
Speaking of insecurities, do you have any insecurities when it comes to dating?
Oh, absolutely.
You know, of all varieties.
But I think I generally do a pretty good job at hiding them.
And I think sometimes hiding like it's a little bit that fake it till you make it.
I think sometimes you can like fake your way of getting over insecurities.
And I think also to like, insecurities can come back up.
Like I'm I'm a pretty short guy.
I'm not very tall.
And I've definitely felt sometimes insecure about my height at times.
And like I'll go through periods of like, I'll go through sometimes years where it never
bothers me and then maybe like one night or one environment or a social situation.
It like it could come up in a way that is completely unreasonable.
I think sometimes with dating, like I think also the other thing is like whenever I've
had like a real anxiety or insecurity, especially about like fidelity or being able to trust
someone, usually that's when I get out of a relationship because I feel like if you
have an insecurity like that, when it's in a relationship that's not long term and very
committed and that like it doesn't feel like being worked through, it's a red flag.
And if it's a red flag, then you know, like red flags mean there's something up ahead
that's bad news.
And I also am kind of the mindset, you can't really fix someone.
And you can't help someone who doesn't invite you to help them.
You know what I mean?
Like I sometimes go through a bit of depression and I had a relationship where this girl was
like, what's wrong?
What's bothering you?
Well, why?
Let's talk it out.
And I'm like, I don't want to.
I'm like, if it's raining outside, do you think there's something wrong with the outdoors?
Do you have to fix the weather?
Like sometimes I just kind of feel sad and I'd rather you just be like, yeah, that kind
of sucks, man.
Like, but like, well, why don't we go grab a drink?
Why don't we go do this thing instead of like you sitting here and harping me about it?
Or like, you know, I'm still an on and off against smoker.
And one of the worst things like to kind of tell smokers like, why don't you just quit?
It's like, oh, geez, I wish who would have thought of that?
You know?
So I think sometimes I get, there's that sometimes I feel like insecure of like, and I think
usually it's another red flag of maybe it's not a good relationship to be in, of whether
or not you make someone happy.
Because I think if you really make someone happy, it's kind of self evident.
And so sometimes like if you have insecurities about it, unless you know that there's maybe
a deeper root, and this is where it's manifesting, then may maybe it's a different type of insecurity.
I've had like, you know, and you have jealousies.
And I think sometimes we all compare ourselves to like, you know, someone's previous partners
or lovers or like, I think men probably, I'm sure women have it, but I think it's in a
different way.
Like there's obviously sexual performance anxiety at times.
And like, then there are times where like, you know, you get if things go too well, you
get anxious and you're like, oh, no, am I going to screw it up?
So yeah, of course, I get insecure all the time, but I make up for it by just running
off at the mouth and talking and acting like I'm the most confident person in the world.
Do you have a next date planned?
And when is it?
I do not have a next date plan, but to not be boring.
So the last girl I was really dating, I broke up with after the breakup, we stayed very
good friends and we communicate a lot and she was like, oh, she's like, you know, after
the breakup, it felt really bad.
So like I quit my job and now I'm doing my own work online this last year since, so we
broke up right after Valentine's Day, actually.
So since like late February, she spent the majority of the year traveling.
So she was like in Thailand for a few months because I got back from Thailand.
She was like, wow, that sounds amazing.
She went, she went to Chiang Mai and like where we went and stuff and she was like,
oh, I love it here.
Blah, blah, blah.
And then she went to Indonesia and Malaysia and Cambodia.
Then she came back.
Then she just spent two months in Japan and she just came back.
And so her and I have been talking.
So I guess like that would be a bit of a date because even when every time like we've broken
up every time we've met up, it's like we're friends now, we're friends now, we're friends
now and then we spend three days together going out to romantic restaurants and having
a lot of sex.
And so I don't know, maybe that's in the cards.
So that's at least an answer.
That's not, oh, none.
And my last question is, do you have any advice or words of wisdom that you want to leave
other listeners with?
Okay.
So I've got one right off the top of my head and I might have a couple other ones, but
one of the best pieces of relationships advice is something my mom gave me.
She actually gave me a couple of good pieces of advice.
And one of them was about returning to relationships where something went bad.
And her advice was, if your milk has gone sour, why would you put it back in the refrigerator
hoping that it will be better a few days from now?
When things expire, when things go bad, they've gone bad.
But I think also the flip side to that wisdom is knowing when maybe things went bad and
then also when things just didn't line up.
Because I've been on Tinder dates or I've been on dates with people and then it's like
we've tried to schedule and tried to find a time to have a follow-up date or more dates
and it just doesn't work out.
It doesn't work out.
And then we've bumped into each other down the line and all of a sudden we have a window
of freedom, whether it's a weekend or a few months where we get to be together.
And in those situations, it's not like something went bad.
It's that things didn't line up and maybe this time around you just have that short
little window of opportunity.
So I think also sometimes it's not always bad to be in a relationship that has an expiration
date.
But some of the people who've continued to be lifelong friends and real sources of support
and emotional intimacy and good advice and who've been able to tell me things that I
haven't wanted to hear have been short-term relationships where we know by nature of our
own lives that we're going in different directions, but maybe like kind of two ships that then
go different channels.
There's a certain amount of time that we did get to have together and we decided to be
very honest about the fact that it wouldn't be forever and we had a really good time and
we've stayed correspondently close.
But also in those situations, there's been some mutual friends and things like that.
So sometimes life is weird and good relationships and love isn't always a traditional or a linear
process.
I guess the advice is don't be afraid to be irregular, to be non-atypical even in your
relationships.
I think that if you're comfortable accepting it and the other person is then go for it.
Life is short.
You should have those moments while you know you can.
And I guess my last piece of advice, and I'll leave it open-ended because I think it's one
for people to figure out their own, is sometimes loving someone means being sad.
It means sometimes maybe not being in someone's life.
And I think that's okay.
I think a big part of love is the sadness that comes from things not working out.
And instead of trying to always escape it, it's like a rainy season.
Make the best of your time even if it's raining.
All right, y'all.
That is a wrap for season one.
Thank you for your positive feedback.
Thank you for your five-star reviews.
Thanks for liking, subscribing, for sharing the episodes.
Thanks to all my guests for being guinea pigs in this new adventure.
And thank you, Harry, for your producing skills.
It's been so much fun working together, which by the way, folks, Harry and I have had a
blast making this podcast these last six months.
And we are planning to come back with season two in the new year.
If you'd like to share your experiences with dating or you know someone who'd be perfect
for us to chat with, please get in touch.
You can slide into our DMs on Instagram at datinglogpodcast.
You can email us at datinglogpodcast at gmail.com.
Also, there's a form on the website you can use.
Make sure to subscribe, like, share with your single friends, share with your dating friends,
share with your colleagues, and also keep an eye on your feed because we will be releasing
some bonus content in the coming months.
And if you're lucky, you might even get to hear about my dating life.