1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:16,360 Welcome to Dating Log, the podcast that records the ups and downs of dating in your 30s. 2 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:18,520 I'm your host, Wyndham Juneau. 3 00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:22,440 This is episode seven, Dating Anxiety. 4 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:26,480 This conversation is special because my guest is one of my absolute besties. 5 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:31,400 We have one of those friendships that ebbs and flows seemingly across time and space. 6 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:36,320 And we've seen, supported, and hyped each other up through all of our boyfriends, girlfriends, 7 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:40,760 crushes, bad dates, good dates, hookups, and more. 8 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:46,440 Chelsea and I talk about nerves and anxiety when it comes to meeting new people, how many 9 00:00:46,440 --> 00:00:52,160 dates you should go on to give someone a fair chance, and she's got a few stories for you. 10 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:53,600 Here she is. 11 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:54,600 My name's Chelsea. 12 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:55,600 I'm 32. 13 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:57,680 I live in Winnipeg, Florida. 14 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:07,840 I'm bisexual and I have mostly used Bumble for meeting new people and just organically. 15 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:12,920 And how is dating going for you? 16 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:21,480 So this current time around, it's been a very interesting experience, mostly disappointing. 17 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:25,000 When you say this time around, what do you mean? 18 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:31,800 This time around being, since I have been single again, I've been single technically 19 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,200 since last October. 20 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:38,080 So from that time until now, I've been on many dates. 21 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,000 Yeah, it's been interesting. 22 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:47,240 It's like each time, each episode of being single and the dating that goes on during 23 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,600 that period of time is so different. 24 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,720 Would you care to elaborate? 25 00:01:51,720 --> 00:02:01,280 Well, this time around, I think I experienced a lot of people that are flaky, which is weird. 26 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,080 That was kind of new for me. 27 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:09,000 To the point that I was talking with this guy who I think was even a little bit older 28 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:15,360 than me and he was great at texting, which I'm not that great at texting. 29 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,160 I like to just kind of meet and get it out of the way. 30 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:24,240 So the first day that I had that I was available, I told him that I would go, he lives at the 31 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,640 beach in Ormond Beach. 32 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:33,040 So I told him that I was wanting to take my dog to the beach so maybe we could meet up. 33 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:35,440 And he said he was down for that. 34 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:40,480 So the morning of, I texted him, I didn't hear anything back from him. 35 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,720 And it got to be like 11 o'clock and I really wanted to go to the beach. 36 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:45,160 I was off work. 37 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:49,000 So I just got my dog in the car and headed out to the beach. 38 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,680 So I'm halfway to the beach. 39 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,800 I get a text from this dude being like, oh, you woke up too late. 40 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,160 Oh, I'm fishing, blah, blah, blah. 41 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,160 And I'm like, oh, I'm on the way to the beach with my dog. 42 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:02,280 If you want to meet up with us, just being cool about it because I don't even know the 43 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,200 guy. 44 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,320 And he kind of blew me off. 45 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,320 It was so strange. 46 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:13,640 He was like, oh, well, I'm going to be barbecuing with my friend if you want to come by, but 47 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,280 there's not dogs allowed here. 48 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:20,200 And I'm like, I'm just going to chill at the beach with my dog today. 49 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,840 So maybe just forget about it. 50 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,400 We had like a definite plan. 51 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,120 So that was really annoying to me. 52 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:31,560 And then he was trying to talk to me another day and I was just not interested because 53 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:36,600 obviously if you're like almost 40 and you can't even make a plan the day before and 54 00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:40,160 then stick with it, we I'm terrible at making plans. 55 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,160 And that was too much for me. 56 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:47,920 Have you had other experiences where people have been flaky to this extent? 57 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:49,440 To that extent? 58 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,800 No, I don't think so. 59 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:55,760 I was talking to this guy like right before the summer. 60 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,920 We went out like three or four times. 61 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:04,160 I really liked him because he was really fun, really funny, like hilarious and like goofy, 62 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,440 which I kind of like. 63 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:11,720 And so I think he told me on the first time that we went out that he was going to be leaving 64 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,800 for the summer. 65 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,600 So I was like, oh, that's cool. 66 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:16,600 You know, do your thing. 67 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:17,600 It's like for work. 68 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:22,800 It was like a really cool boat party thing in Croatia that he would be filming and doing 69 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:23,800 all the videography. 70 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,920 And I thought that was really cool. 71 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,240 So, you know, obviously I wasn't bothered by that. 72 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,800 Like go do your thing, have a fun summer. 73 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:37,640 And so when he left, like we had only hung out a couple of times. 74 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:42,080 So it's not like I had huge expectations or anything, but he's like, yeah, do you mind 75 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:44,600 if I text you from time to time while I'm in Croatia? 76 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,120 And I'm like, no, of course not. 77 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,080 Like you better kind of thing. 78 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:54,880 And then so we like texted probably three or four times after he left, like once or 79 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,720 twice a week, we had texted each other. 80 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:03,040 And then after probably three weeks, I didn't hear from him again. 81 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:10,840 And he just posts all these things on Instagram, like crazy parties, like people just pouring 82 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,720 liquor into his mouth and like everybody's naked. 83 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:18,360 And so I'm like, OK, well, guess I wouldn't say that that's flaky. 84 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:22,760 But I was like, OK, bye. 85 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:26,360 Did you actually have like a goodbye text with each other? 86 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,800 No, no, no, no. 87 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:34,040 I think he's just having a really great time and a lot of really great friends, maybe something 88 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,040 special. 89 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:36,040 Who knows? 90 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:42,920 I'm happy for him, but I'm like, it's probably for the best, though. 91 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:43,920 Why do you say that? 92 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:49,000 Because I don't think the sexual chemistry was there. 93 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:53,080 Is sexual chemistry something that's important to you when you're dating? 94 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,240 Yes, very. 95 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,760 I mean, yeah, yeah, it's important to me. 96 00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:05,120 It's not everything, but I think it's kind of like it goes with other things, too. 97 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,120 Which other things? 98 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:10,640 Well, so like if I'm hanging out with somebody or I'm on a date with somebody and there's 99 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:19,440 no sexual chemistry, but I really enjoy I'm really enjoying them, I feel like, OK, the 100 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,040 sexual chemistry maybe can come a little bit later on. 101 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,540 But sometimes it doesn't. 102 00:06:26,540 --> 00:06:29,160 So it's kind of like a good tell. 103 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:33,280 There's some people you just have no sexual chemistry with and then you can kind of try 104 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:37,000 to, which doesn't usually work out sometimes. 105 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,480 I guess it does. 106 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:39,480 But I don't know. 107 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,960 It goes with other things. 108 00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:45,360 Like if I'm really attracted to you, I feel like you're probably going to be a little 109 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,360 bit funnier to me. 110 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:51,600 Like your jokes are a little bit funnier, like the things, the quirky things that you 111 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,600 do. 112 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:53,600 I'm like, oh, that's cute. 113 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:58,360 Like, maybe if there's no chemistry, it's like, OK, these jokes are stupid. 114 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:06,080 You said just now, you said if I am dating or hanging out, do you define these things 115 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:12,160 differently and what does dating mean to you? 116 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:19,360 So there's dating when you just go out on a date with somebody, like for the first time, 117 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,840 you're like, OK, this is a date. 118 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,160 Are you dating them? 119 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:28,640 I mean, it's kind of like a weird words thing, because if you only go out one time, they 120 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:29,640 know you're not dating. 121 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,640 You just went on a date. 122 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:39,720 But I guess dating, like if you go, if you continue to see somebody that you're interested 123 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:45,200 in, whether it's hanging out or on dates, I guess I would say dating. 124 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:52,360 I guess one just seems like maybe with more intentions. 125 00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,640 Would you say that one thing is more serious than the other? 126 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:56,640 I'm not really sure. 127 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:57,640 I don't know. 128 00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:58,640 I've done both. 129 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:05,680 I like I prefer a mix of both like dating and hanging out because you can't be formal for 130 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:09,160 you're not really having any fun. 131 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:14,760 Like I went on a couple of dates with a UPS guy for my job and that was really we went 132 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:20,680 on like three or four actual dates and then we would go right home after and not hang 133 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:21,800 out at all. 134 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,980 So I feel like in that setting, you don't really get to know somebody very well. 135 00:08:25,980 --> 00:08:29,640 It's like you're just sitting down at a dinner and then you go home. 136 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:35,120 And so there's not really you don't get to see much of them organically. 137 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,160 They're just in date mode. 138 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,680 Oh, date mode. 139 00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,720 I like that. 140 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:45,280 Like they're like, you know, you're like prepared on a date. 141 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,960 Maybe you're just like hanging out. 142 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:52,280 You know, you get to kind of see them more in their natural way. 143 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:57,200 So I think you can miss out on that if you're only just going on dates. 144 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:03,480 When you go on dates, what kind of things are you doing? 145 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:08,920 Usually it's been having like dinner and drinks, sometimes just drinks. 146 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:14,800 I kind of prefer that because I think it kind of I mean, I don't really care for like mini 147 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,240 golfing or anything corny like that, that some people like to do. 148 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:22,840 I really like food and having a drink or two takes the edge off. 149 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:28,440 As someone who does suffer from anxiety, it really helps sometimes. 150 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:35,960 But yeah, usually it's in that kind of setting, like appetizers or dinner, drinks, something 151 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:36,960 like that. 152 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,240 I've gone bowling on a first date. 153 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:42,200 That was pretty awkward for me. 154 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,200 Why? 155 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:49,480 OK, so this is the UPS guy from my job and we went bowling on I think our last date, 156 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:50,560 last and final date. 157 00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:55,960 It was awkward because the first reason is because he came with his own bowling ball 158 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:59,520 and shoes and like a bag. 159 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:04,040 So that was extremely way too white for me right off the bat. 160 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:05,480 I'm like, this is crazy. 161 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:11,520 And so we start bowling and he got strikes every time, every time. 162 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:16,840 And he would dance and he would like look at me like, oh, and I'm like, I don't know, 163 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,680 this isn't that fun for me. 164 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:21,760 He said like halfway through the day, he's like, you're not having that much fun, are 165 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:22,760 you? 166 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:28,680 I was like, well, I mean, obviously you're really, really good at bowling and I'm not. 167 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,680 So challenge, I don't know. 168 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:33,160 It was a little weird and he brought his own shoes. 169 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,160 It was just a lot. 170 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,840 He thought that was going to be the date that sealed the deal, I think. 171 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:40,880 Like, wait till she sees me bowl. 172 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,080 No, we did a lot better when we had dinner. 173 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,280 Why did you stop seeing this guy? 174 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:53,760 I stopped seeing that guy because I think that we don't have anything in common. 175 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:59,400 And I think it was extremely difficult for me to find a connection with him. 176 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,240 He's really, really attractive. 177 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:06,640 But when we'd be at dinner and he's asking me questions to try to get to know me, everything 178 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:12,760 that I answered, I feel like he was a little bit almost shocked by, like a little put off 179 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:18,600 by because I think he had kind of a cookie cutter type of life. 180 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:19,600 I don't know. 181 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:20,600 We just really couldn't. 182 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:25,160 We have extremely different histories and I think it kind of scared him. 183 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:30,080 I think he's probably looking for a certain type of person that kind of more matches his 184 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:34,960 life and he would feel more comfortable bringing home to mom and dad. 185 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:39,080 And a little more rough around the edges, I guess I would say. 186 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,760 So it was just a little boring. 187 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:45,360 Vanilla, very vanilla. 188 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,000 How many dates did you have with him in the end? 189 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,000 Four. 190 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:55,520 And so that how many dates do you usually have with people? 191 00:11:55,520 --> 00:12:00,920 I would say four is like usually the last date if it's not going to go any further. 192 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,400 Why do you think it's four? 193 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:03,920 What's magic about that number? 194 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:04,920 I don't know. 195 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:07,560 You want to give somebody a fair chance. 196 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,800 So it's like people can be nervous. 197 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:10,800 I get nervous. 198 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,360 So first date doesn't really count. 199 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:17,120 I mean, sometimes you can know, like, okay, I'm not into this person or so you want to 200 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:18,880 give it another date. 201 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,620 And then, I mean, it wasn't going badly. 202 00:12:22,620 --> 00:12:29,960 So I did want to keep seeing him at least until I had a better idea. 203 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:30,960 But yeah, I don't know. 204 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,960 I feel like anything after that, somebody's leading somebody on. 205 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:39,120 Okay, let's touch on something that you mentioned earlier and then we'll go back to this. 206 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,000 Anxiety in dating. 207 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:45,400 How do those things go together or not in your life? 208 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:53,240 In my life, I think it's definitely a factor. 209 00:12:53,240 --> 00:13:00,760 So the girl that I've been seeing now had a really funny way of describing it because 210 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,960 I was really, really nervous the first time we went out. 211 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:10,200 And we met at this bar near my house that I go to and I'm like really craving a cheese 212 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,000 burger. 213 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:18,600 And we were texting and she mentioned a cheeseburger and I was like, wow, no, I really want a cheeseburger 214 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,220 because we're going to get food. 215 00:13:21,220 --> 00:13:27,680 So I felt a little bit not embarrassed, but like just I'm not like too bougie in that 216 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:31,080 I love a good hole in the wall that has like a great burger kind of thing. 217 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,920 So I'm like, well, I know of this place. 218 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,680 It's my favorite burger in town. 219 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,240 It's a little rough around the edges. 220 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:39,280 So she's like, oh yeah, that's cool. 221 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:40,280 That's cool. 222 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:44,280 And so I think that kind of started the anxiety plus she's really, really, really pretty. 223 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,600 So that made me a little bit nervous too. 224 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:53,480 And I don't know, the nerves just like I'm always nervous on our first date, like pretty 225 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:54,480 nervous. 226 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:59,080 So we met there and it was really nice. 227 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:02,160 Like I didn't think anything was bad. 228 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:08,360 There was like, you know, I think the anxiety sometimes I'll have like an awkward silence. 229 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:11,840 It's only probably awkward in my head because of the anxiety. 230 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:17,200 I like kind of loosened up, we were more comfortable like, and we were just chatting and whatever 231 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,840 after like 20 minutes, but we had a really good time. 232 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:27,360 But then after the day we were texting and she told me that at first she, that I was 233 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:29,320 really intimidating. 234 00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:35,280 And I was surprised by that because I didn't feel like, I felt like I was in a really good 235 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:36,280 mood. 236 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:37,280 Like I was smiley. 237 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:42,480 Like I was very comfortable like after the first couple of minutes, but she said that 238 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,720 I looked mean. 239 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:45,720 And I was like, why? 240 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,560 Like, what do you mean I looked mean? 241 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:51,000 And she said, well, not mean, but close, which is not like an ongoing joke. 242 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:57,920 She said I looked mean, but close and that I just looked very serious and like intimidating. 243 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:04,040 And I was like, that is so weird because it's just not the way that I remember. 244 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:08,960 Like the vibe that I was putting off when I approached the situation, but I think because 245 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:16,480 I had anxiety because I was nervous, maybe I wasn't aware as much of how I was seeming. 246 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:22,320 Like maybe I looked stiff and I wasn't like smiling so much or I don't really know, but 247 00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:26,600 that was interesting for me because I think it was the anxiety. 248 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:31,360 But instead of seeming nervous, I seemed intimidating. 249 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,520 Has anyone else remarked on this to you while you've been dating? 250 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:35,520 Yeah. 251 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:36,520 Yeah. 252 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,520 Actually, I kind of get it. 253 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,800 Often people say that I'm intimidating and then they realize that I'm not like, oh wow, 254 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,120 you're actually so nice. 255 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:44,120 And I'm like, what do you mean? 256 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,960 Like, I thought you were intimidating. 257 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,120 Like you seemed kind of scary. 258 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,720 And I'm like, why? 259 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,640 I feel like I'm so nice. 260 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:56,560 I think it's the anxiety that I'm just like, I don't know. 261 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:57,680 I'm not aware of it. 262 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,400 I know I feel anxious, but I think I'm being cool. 263 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:04,760 And they're like, wow, you were scary, but now I can see that you're not scary. 264 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:12,560 And I'm like, how does my anxiety translate to being a bitch or looking like I'm snobby 265 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:13,560 or something? 266 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,560 I don't know. 267 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:18,720 That's funny how the experiences are so different from the inside and the outside. 268 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:19,720 It was kind of enlightening. 269 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,920 I like to learn things about myself, especially it's like, oh, this is how you see them on 270 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:24,920 a first date. 271 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,200 Because I wouldn't know, I guess. 272 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,880 Have you learned other things about yourself through dating? 273 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:31,880 Yeah. 274 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:37,960 So this girl that I'm seeing, we've been seeing each other now for a little while and it's 275 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:38,960 going really well. 276 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:39,960 I really like her. 277 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:43,520 She's very sweet, extremely thoughtful. 278 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:49,080 But I think I've learned that, I guess, just about myself in the present. 279 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:54,280 I wasn't really expecting, like I was dating, so I was obviously looking to see what's out 280 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:59,160 there, but I wasn't really expecting to be really interested in somebody just because 281 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:00,600 that's not the way that it seems to go. 282 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:05,360 I seem to have a difficult time finding people that I can really connect with. 283 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:11,800 So yeah, I don't know how many times we had dated or hung out or anything at this point, 284 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:18,880 but she kind of said to me one day, she was like, so do you like me or what's going on? 285 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,280 I'm like, what do you mean? 286 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:21,280 Yeah, I like you. 287 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:22,600 Why wouldn't I like you? 288 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:28,640 And she's like, well, and she kind of told me, and she was completely right. 289 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:34,080 I was just being completely closed off, which is not like me at all. 290 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,200 I'm usually a pretty open person. 291 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:45,480 But yeah, everything she said I realized was true, and I had to think about what is different 292 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:46,480 about me right now. 293 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:51,880 Why am I being closed off when I am wanting to be open? 294 00:17:51,880 --> 00:18:01,280 So I thought that was cool because she actually kind of made me think about myself and reflect 295 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:02,280 on recent things. 296 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:07,200 And to me, that was a good sign because maybe we can get a little bit deeper. 297 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:12,960 So we ended up talking about it, which I kind of realized that, I don't know, maybe I had 298 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:19,560 some walls up because of my last relationship and I think maybe trusting myself, my own 299 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:28,640 judgment and just being like, I guess I've been a little bit scared to be emotional, 300 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:32,400 kind of vulnerable, which that does kind of track for me. 301 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,720 But I don't know. 302 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:42,340 I wasn't being, like by this time, we had seen each other enough that I feel like I 303 00:18:42,340 --> 00:18:48,000 should have been, I guess, showing how I was feeling a little bit more like able to do 304 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,880 that, and I wasn't. 305 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:57,700 So I had to kind of like look at that and adjust and kind of re-approach the situation 306 00:18:57,700 --> 00:19:02,320 and which I'm still a little bit struggling with, which is odd. 307 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:09,120 So I'm learning that about myself, I guess, that maybe I'm not quite as open and vulnerable 308 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:10,600 as I thought. 309 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,720 How many times have you seen her? 310 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:14,160 Now it's been quite a few. 311 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:18,600 I would say if I had to guess, 15. 312 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,880 Oh, that's way more than four. 313 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,240 Yeah, way more than four. 314 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,040 It's going well. 315 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,080 It's going well. 316 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:31,160 And are you seeing other people still? 317 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,840 Are you still on the apps? 318 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,720 How's that part of it? 319 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:36,720 I don't know. 320 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:37,920 I know that. 321 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:46,000 So I hadn't opened the app in a long time, so I deleted it recently. 322 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,120 And I thought it's like nice to do. 323 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:53,400 I don't, you know, it's not like I get all these notifications or anything, but I do 324 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,400 like her. 325 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:58,080 I don't have my phone blowing up with bumble notifications or something. 326 00:19:58,080 --> 00:19:59,680 I just, yeah, let me delete it. 327 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,960 I'm not using it. 328 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:02,960 So I don't know. 329 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:03,960 I haven't asked her. 330 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:11,880 I'm curious, but I don't think so because we do talk a lot and we do see each other 331 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,080 pretty frequently. 332 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:18,360 So I would think we're kind of in the same boat, but without having a conversation about 333 00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,280 it, I guess I don't fully know. 334 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:28,080 How has your, let's say, sexuality journey influenced who you're dating and how you're 335 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,080 dating? 336 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:37,320 I had a very long relationship with a female in my early, early twenties, like 19 to 23. 337 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:42,200 That was tumultuous, extremely stressful and just terrible. 338 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:48,400 So I think after that, I was kind of like all set with women for a minute. 339 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:51,360 It was traumatic, the relationship. 340 00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:57,560 So even though those things aren't related, I think subconsciously sometimes we make decisions 341 00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:58,840 like that. 342 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:03,520 So yeah, I dated men really. 343 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:09,560 And anything that I had with a female was just sexual. 344 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:18,040 And then, I don't know, now by this time it's like, okay, bunch of semi-long failed relationships 345 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:19,440 later with men. 346 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:25,320 And it seems that I always have the same issue in these relationships being like communication 347 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:32,440 and being like maybe that they're not able to go deeper. 348 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:41,320 I feel like I can't establish a really deep connection with a lot of people, mostly men. 349 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:48,240 You just said, I've had all these failed relationships. 350 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,920 What does that mean and why do you think that? 351 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:55,400 Well, I guess it's not like all these. 352 00:21:55,400 --> 00:22:03,600 It's only been a few, but I would say because they didn't work out. 353 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:16,240 I think that I usually go into a relationship with a set of skills and a set of ideas of 354 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:20,040 how I want the relationship to be. 355 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,460 And they're not that specific. 356 00:22:21,460 --> 00:22:25,560 It's just like, what are your key things? 357 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,960 Like communication, that's a skill I've learned. 358 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,400 It's really a skill. 359 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:32,240 And some people, I mean, it does take practice. 360 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:37,800 You have to educate yourself on what is healthy communication, things like that. 361 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:43,000 So I think I come into a relationship with that skill. 362 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,240 And I also need that back from other people. 363 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:54,480 But people can seem very communicative in the beginning or seem like they're open to 364 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,280 that. 365 00:22:56,280 --> 00:23:03,360 And with all my relationships, really, there ended up being a huge lack of communication 366 00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:10,000 in my more recent one to the point of like, I think that people have gotten irritated 367 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,320 with me after dating for a while. 368 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,360 It's like, okay, wow, you want to talk again. 369 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:16,360 You want to talk. 370 00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:18,840 And it's like, well, yeah, that's what you're supposed to do. 371 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,100 I'm having some feelings. 372 00:23:20,100 --> 00:23:22,000 So I want to talk. 373 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,220 And it makes them uncomfortable. 374 00:23:24,220 --> 00:23:31,080 So I don't know if I just keep finding this similar person because of something that I'm 375 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:37,240 doing or like something about me or what, I don't know. 376 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:44,240 But by the end of the, both the relationships were like not communicating at all. 377 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:47,920 So I would say that's a fail in that sense. 378 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:52,600 So your last relationship ended last fall. 379 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:56,680 How long after that relationship ended before you started dating again? 380 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:58,840 How long was it? 381 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:07,080 I would say probably I started dating a little bit in January. 382 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:11,720 And what were you looking for when you started dating again? 383 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:19,360 When I started dating again, I think I was just looking to see what's out there. 384 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:26,600 I don't, I think that I honestly, I just was like really bored and my friend was like always 385 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:30,840 talking about this guy, that guy that she was going out with from one of the apps. 386 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:35,400 And so I'm like, oh, okay, let me just download it and see. 387 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:46,880 And I was looking for something casual, like a friendship that could be more. 388 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:54,000 And so I actually, what I kept doing was going on dates with people that I think that I knew 389 00:24:54,000 --> 00:25:02,000 that I wasn't very, like I didn't find them very attractive physically, so to speak, because 390 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,600 I, but they seemed like really cool. 391 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:09,260 Like someone that we have, I have a lot in common with or like, you know, oh, we like 392 00:25:09,260 --> 00:25:12,600 similar like music, we like to do similar things and da da da da. 393 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:15,640 And so I would go out with them and then I would see that, okay, this is somebody that 394 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:19,040 I would want as a friend. 395 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:24,320 So I think I was like looking for, I was like seeking the friendship part, like the closeness 396 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:32,240 part, the connection part, but it, you know, obviously there's something that makes a relationship 397 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,560 more than a friendship. 398 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:40,120 Whatever that is. 399 00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:48,120 How is dating different for you now than it was, yeah, in your twenties? 400 00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:56,480 It's completely different because I think that I'm more, I'm more comfortable with like 401 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:57,480 myself. 402 00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:04,080 I'm more comfortable with who I am and that I think in my twenties, I struggled a little 403 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:10,800 bit more with like, okay, do like, like, what do I want, you know, like, okay, do I want 404 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:11,800 to date a guy? 405 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:12,800 Do I want to date a girl? 406 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:17,240 Like, do I want to, which I mean, now I realize there's no point in trying to figure that 407 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:18,240 out. 408 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:19,240 I don't care either way. 409 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:22,840 I'm fine with that. 410 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:26,800 And I think I've just accepted myself a lot since then. 411 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,400 I've learned to love myself a lot more. 412 00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:36,640 And so I think that my boundaries are also a lot more solidified. 413 00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:41,040 And I think that in my twenties, it was easier for me to kind of deal with things that I 414 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,240 didn't like or didn't think were okay. 415 00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,440 I was a little bit unsure. 416 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:46,640 Like is this okay? 417 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:50,040 Is this, am I supposed to not tolerate this? 418 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:56,560 You know, it's like now I kind of have a better understanding of that because of my experiences, 419 00:26:56,560 --> 00:27:02,360 you know, like this guy, I saw this guy, I met him on Bumble. 420 00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:06,960 This was actually, I think the first date I had after my relationship. 421 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:10,840 And we were chatting and he seemed really funny and like really down to earth and really 422 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:12,640 like someone I could hang out with. 423 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:19,920 And he, we were chatting and he ended up telling me what he does for work. 424 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,080 And I was like, oh, a good friend of mine does that. 425 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:28,620 This guy actually lives in Texas, but he was here for work in his camper van. 426 00:27:28,620 --> 00:27:31,920 And for some reason automatically I'm like, camper van, ooh, that's hot. 427 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:34,240 I don't know why it's a thing in my brain. 428 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:38,000 I'm trying to get rid of it. 429 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,880 So I was like, oh, my friend does that too. 430 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:42,280 That's, you know, crazy. 431 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:44,880 And he was like, oh, do you know Eric McLaughlin? 432 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,640 Now I just said his full name. 433 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,200 And I was like, yeah, that's my, that's my friend. 434 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:53,120 And he was like, oh, I'm like working with him right now. 435 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:54,760 I'm like, oh, that's crazy. 436 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:58,520 So I guess he asked Eric about me and Eric said all these awesome things. 437 00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:01,760 And so this guy got really like excited. 438 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:05,800 And I guess he knew he knew my brother too, which was weird. 439 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,280 And he wanted to like hang out with me like now. 440 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:11,240 And I was like, well, I'm like walking my dog. 441 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:16,000 I'm over, you know, in this part of town if you want to like meet up with us. 442 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,120 So he did. 443 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,560 And he was cool. 444 00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:20,560 Like I liked him. 445 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,480 Somebody like I said, okay, we could have been, we could be friends. 446 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,240 I don't see it going any further than that. 447 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,200 But at first I wasn't sure. 448 00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:31,320 So we like had some beers by the lake. 449 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,080 He was really nice with my dog, which was nice. 450 00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:37,880 And I guess I felt comfortable enough that I was like, well, since there's like nothing 451 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:42,400 to do right now, it was like a weird day of the week and like everything was basically 452 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:44,160 close, but we still wanted to hang out. 453 00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:46,720 So I'm like, you can come to my house. 454 00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:55,600 So he came to my house and then it started to get kind of weird, which he was like, oh, 455 00:28:55,600 --> 00:29:02,400 I have like, he had like some drugs with him that he, and he wanted to like party like 456 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:03,400 that. 457 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:05,080 And I was like, ah, I'm not really feeling that. 458 00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:07,680 Like I don't really know this person. 459 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:12,400 And then I'm like the first time we were meeting and we're at my house and now you want me 460 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:17,960 to take some kind of like hallucinogens. 461 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,360 It was a little bit uncomfortable, but he was serious. 462 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,280 He was like about it. 463 00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:30,680 So then I was like, okay, I guess like me, I guess I'll have a little bit, but I regretted 464 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:35,560 it immediately after because now I'm just, it was a weird situation. 465 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:45,840 And then I got the vibe that he, like he was, it's hard to remember exactly how the conversation 466 00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:51,520 or the night went, but we were watching, we were like watching this documentary and I 467 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:55,960 said something about it being late and he was talking about how he was going to go, 468 00:29:55,960 --> 00:30:00,800 obviously he was sleeping in his van, but that he wasn't sure where to like park it 469 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:04,440 or like, cause he's not from around here. 470 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:09,200 And I figured that he would have had this all kind of figured out beforehand and made 471 00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:12,440 me uncomfortable because now I'm thinking, oh, he's just going to go sleep in his van 472 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:13,440 in front of my house. 473 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:18,960 So I was like, well, you can stay like if you want. 474 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:20,480 And I don't know, it was weird. 475 00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:24,800 So he stayed the night at my house in my bed and he was like really trying to like cuddle 476 00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:25,800 with me and all this stuff. 477 00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:26,800 I did not like it. 478 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:29,480 It was very weird. 479 00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:32,960 And so when he left in the morning, I was relieved. 480 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,640 And then I thought about it during the day and I'm like, you know, that was a weird experience. 481 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:40,280 Maybe he was nervous, like, you know, but he was cool. 482 00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:44,400 Like he was somebody like, it seemed like we had a lot in common and someone I would 483 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:49,000 enjoy hanging out with, but I think it's like the setting that makes it weird. 484 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:53,400 Like, I think I could be friends with somebody like him, not dating. 485 00:30:53,400 --> 00:31:00,800 So then he asked me like later in the afternoon, if I wanted to, if I was hungry and I said, 486 00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:02,480 I could eat. 487 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,520 And so he said, well, we should get some food. 488 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:09,160 So I'm thinking he wants to take me like out to eat. 489 00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:11,320 I know that sounds nice. 490 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:16,080 You know, I told him I have a phone call with a close friend of mine that lives in Alaska. 491 00:31:16,080 --> 00:31:17,960 So I'm going to be talking with him for a bit. 492 00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:22,120 But after that, yeah, I'm down to get some food. 493 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:24,420 And he had mentioned a place. 494 00:31:24,420 --> 00:31:27,320 And when he mentioned the place, I thought it was somewhere else in town that I really 495 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,440 like that's like a sit down and eat place. 496 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:32,960 But it was like a quick service place around the corner. 497 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,160 I thought they have a really similar name. 498 00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:36,880 So he was talking about the quick service place. 499 00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:43,000 And all I had said before I got on the phone with my friend was that I like that place. 500 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:44,000 That's it. 501 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:49,760 And so in the time that I was on the phone with my friend, this guy went to the place, 502 00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:55,960 like chose my food, ordered it, like chose my toppings and everything, came to my house 503 00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:59,120 and was in his van outside with two meals. 504 00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:02,240 And I just did not like that at all. 505 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:05,360 And I got the phone and I'm like, OK, well, what are you thinking? 506 00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:07,840 And he's like, oh, I got you the honey chicken something. 507 00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:08,840 And I'm like, what? 508 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:09,840 You already got it. 509 00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:12,720 And he was like, yeah, I'm outside. 510 00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:17,080 And I was just like, whoa. 511 00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:21,320 That like it was just automatically over. 512 00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:22,560 How did you deal with that? 513 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:24,120 Well, I thought about it for a minute. 514 00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:25,120 I was really uncomfortable. 515 00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:26,840 I think I even like started sweating a little bit. 516 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:28,920 But I had just like I just got out of the shower. 517 00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:31,160 I was literally giving myself a Brazilian wax. 518 00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:33,080 I was butt naked with my hair in a towel. 519 00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:37,400 And you're telling me that you're outside with the food. 520 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:41,920 It's just way weird way to stepping inside of my comfort outside. 521 00:32:41,920 --> 00:32:43,000 It's just not cool. 522 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:46,360 So I thought about it for a couple of minutes. 523 00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:50,600 Like how do I just say this in an honest and direct way? 524 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:52,400 Like hopefully it'll help them in the future. 525 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:53,400 But. 526 00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:54,400 But. 527 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:55,400 I don't know. 528 00:32:55,400 --> 00:32:59,320 I think there is no coming back from that. 529 00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:02,320 I was like, what did you say? 530 00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:04,520 I thought you were talking about a different place. 531 00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:08,800 And then I said, why did you choose my food for me? 532 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,320 And he said something like, well, it's really good. 533 00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:12,320 I figured he would like it. 534 00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:15,240 And I'm like, you don't even know me. 535 00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,720 I'm like, you have no idea what I like to eat. 536 00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:23,200 I was like, I think it's a little bit assuming that you like I said, it's 20, 23 women want 537 00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:25,200 to choose their own food. 538 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:29,440 And he was like, well, I can see that I should I just leave? 539 00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:31,080 And I was like, yeah, you should leave. 540 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:34,440 I don't like people coming to my house when they're not invited. 541 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:39,880 I'm actually really uncomfortable, but maybe we could try again another day. 542 00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:42,080 And he left. 543 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:44,600 And that was that. 544 00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:46,800 It was so it was so weird. 545 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:47,800 Yeah. 546 00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:53,400 But you were able to like set the boundary and be like, actually, no. 547 00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:57,040 Well, and what he said at first when I said like, oh, I thought we were because I also 548 00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,560 said I thought we were going to go sit down somewhere. 549 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:03,160 And his response was, sorry, Charlie, maybe next time. 550 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:06,320 So that was like still him saying like, this is the way it's going. 551 00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:07,320 I didn't like it. 552 00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:09,040 I didn't invite you to my house. 553 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:14,800 And so, yeah, after thinking about it, like, I just need to say what the boundaries are 554 00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:19,960 and just be honest about it and move on from the situation. 555 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:25,040 And I felt I felt bad, you know, because I think that he had no idea that he was doing 556 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:27,240 things that would make me so uncomfortable. 557 00:34:27,240 --> 00:34:29,560 But now he knows. 558 00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:38,160 Contrary to that, like that was obviously a unique experience. 559 00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:40,160 What have you been finding? 560 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:45,440 I like meeting new people and like just seeing how different people are. 561 00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:52,120 I think it's fun to go out and just I find it kind of amusing. 562 00:34:52,120 --> 00:34:57,200 Just like the idea of going out and like having a couple of drinks with a stranger. 563 00:34:57,200 --> 00:35:01,800 I like noting kind of like, where is where does the conversation go? 564 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:07,460 Like how does it it's a funny thing because everybody's so different. 565 00:35:07,460 --> 00:35:08,640 So I like that. 566 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:09,640 I enjoy that. 567 00:35:09,640 --> 00:35:16,560 Even if I'm like very nervous at first, I always loosen up and then I like it. 568 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:20,520 It's kind of sad because sometimes I feel like, you know, I would like to be friends 569 00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:25,520 with this person, but you know that they're looking for something else. 570 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:33,020 So it's kind of hard to be like, hey, can we actually hang out after this as friends? 571 00:35:33,020 --> 00:35:34,020 So it's kind of sad. 572 00:35:34,020 --> 00:35:35,020 Like I love meeting new people. 573 00:35:35,020 --> 00:35:40,520 And even if it's not something that I want to pursue romantically, it's like, maybe we 574 00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:45,080 can actually just be friends. 575 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:48,840 What are you typically looking for when you're going on dates? 576 00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:55,200 I guess the thing is like that now in my life, I'm not, I don't think that I'm really looking 577 00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:56,200 for anything. 578 00:35:56,200 --> 00:36:00,440 I think my only expectations are of myself. 579 00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:06,760 I know kind of like what I want in a relationship, but I just, I don't really know what it looks 580 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:08,360 like yet. 581 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:09,360 I don't know. 582 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:13,280 Like I want to just like in a relationship, it has to be healthy. 583 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:15,960 I can't do anything else anymore. 584 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:20,960 It's I'm just at a point where I know what community healthy communication looks like. 585 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:23,120 I know what healthy boundaries look like. 586 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:26,640 I know what respecting privacy and space looks like. 587 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:31,160 And that's the only thing that I really want to do in like a relationship. 588 00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:37,040 So when I'm meeting people, I'm more or less just kind of trying to see what their boundaries 589 00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:44,360 are and what their experiences have brought them in their current life. 590 00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:48,360 And just seeing if that aligns at all. 591 00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:53,720 Are you dating with the intention of finding a partner? 592 00:36:53,720 --> 00:36:54,720 Yeah. 593 00:36:54,720 --> 00:36:59,720 That sounded like a question of a yeah. 594 00:36:59,720 --> 00:37:05,720 I mean, yeah, I just, I guess I'm not, I wasn't feeling super optimistic about it. 595 00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:06,720 Why? 596 00:37:06,720 --> 00:37:07,720 Why not? 597 00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:09,040 I don't know. 598 00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:10,040 I wasn't. 599 00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:14,520 I'm feeling more optimistic about it now, but I don't know. 600 00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:22,280 I just, I think that I kind of have a unique brain in a way that sometimes it feels like 601 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:29,000 maybe my expectations of somebody, like not my expectations. 602 00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:33,640 Like sometimes it just feels like maybe it sounds actually way sadder than it is in my 603 00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:34,640 head. 604 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:39,680 Like maybe there's not like this amazing connection that's for me somewhere. 605 00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:45,160 I know that's not necessarily true, but you know, there's no way of knowing and nothing's 606 00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:46,160 perfect. 607 00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:48,240 But yeah, I don't know. 608 00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:54,400 I was feeling kind of negative about it because I meet a lot of people, I guess. 609 00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:59,800 I've gone on a lot of dates and a lot of the time it's like, no, we'll see about the next 610 00:37:59,800 --> 00:38:00,800 person. 611 00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:01,800 It's like, oh no, not really. 612 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:05,520 Maybe the next person, but really there's so many people. 613 00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:12,000 So yeah, I mean, I do, obviously I would love to have like a partner forever. 614 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:22,840 Like that whole idea, but I also have two terms with the idea of not needing a partner, 615 00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:24,380 not needing a relationship. 616 00:38:24,380 --> 00:38:28,000 And I'm happy with that too. 617 00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:29,000 So I don't know. 618 00:38:29,000 --> 00:38:33,880 I think there's people that are in your life for a period of time and they serve their 619 00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:34,880 purpose. 620 00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:37,880 You serve your purpose for each other and then you move on. 621 00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:41,720 So I guess I'm like open to that too. 622 00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:42,720 Next question. 623 00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:48,000 Do you have any advice for people who are dating in their thirties? 624 00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:49,000 Hmm. 625 00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,680 Yeah, I'm sure I do. 626 00:38:52,680 --> 00:39:00,240 My advice for people who are dating in their thirties would be to get to know yourself 627 00:39:00,240 --> 00:39:08,000 really, really, really, really, really uncomfortably well. 628 00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:11,840 Because we all are who we are in the present moment. 629 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:22,680 We are like a whole whirlwind of experiences and like of emotions and these things that 630 00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:23,680 form our personalities. 631 00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:30,720 And if you don't understand those processes, then it's going to be a lot more difficult 632 00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:33,000 for you in a relationship. 633 00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:42,040 So yeah, my best advice would be to kind of pick yourself apart and not be afraid of, 634 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:49,520 not failure, but if somebody says like, you're being like this or I'm feeling like this and 635 00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:53,400 it's something that you're doing, don't be afraid of looking at that and being like, 636 00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:56,600 okay, how could I be actually doing this? 637 00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:57,760 We're not perfect people. 638 00:39:57,760 --> 00:40:05,680 So it's not like you have to suck, but there's always something that you can be doing to 639 00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:09,880 be bettering yourself or to be more considerate of other people. 640 00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:18,520 And so I think that to me, it's been the most important thing that I've seen in other people 641 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:22,820 is whether they are very self-aware or not. 642 00:40:22,820 --> 00:40:29,640 So do it, do the work. 643 00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:33,360 Dating Log is recorded and hosted by me, Windon Juno. 644 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:35,620 It is produced by Harry Dark. 645 00:40:35,620 --> 00:40:39,440 Our artwork is in collaboration with Esme Heming Studio. 646 00:40:39,440 --> 00:40:43,380 You can follow us on Instagram at Dating Log Podcast. 647 00:40:43,380 --> 00:40:47,080 Our website is datinglogpodcast.com. 648 00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:48,080 Check it out. 649 00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:49,080 We just updated it. 650 00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:53,920 If you'd like to send us a message, you can slide into our Instagram DMs or send us an 651 00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:58,680 email at datinglogpodcast.gmail.com. 652 00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:01,320 Please like and subscribe wherever you listen. 653 00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:05,960 And if you're enjoying the episode so far, leave a review and tell a friend. 654 00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:07,480 We'll see you on a fortnight. 655 00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:23,120 Please don't ghost us.