Welcome to Dating Log, the podcast that records the ups and downs of dating in your 30s.
I'm your host, Wyndham Juneau, and this is episode three, Loved and Laid.
In this episode, I spoke with an old friend from Boston who touched on how our lives have
changed since our early 20s and what it means to be dating now in terms of finding a balance
with our time, energy, and building a career.
I hope you all have had a wonderful Pride Month.
Enjoy the episode.
Okay, yeah, so I am Chanda.
I identify as a Southeast Asian American queer.
I use she, her pronouns.
I would say, I would consider myself maybe a dapper queer.
Definitely not butch.
I hate that word.
I live in Providence, Rhode Island.
It is very fucking cute.
I moved here about three years ago from Boston after having lived there for like nine years.
I would like to know, can you share your age with us?
Oh yeah, I am 34.
I will be 35 in August.
Remember when we were in our 20s?
I was just going to say, how old were we when we met?
Like 23?
I was 24 when we met.
Okay, then I was 23.
Yeah, it was 10 years ago.
I missed the part where you moved to Providence.
I thought you were still in Boston.
No, no, I got out of there as soon as I could.
And why did you get out of there as soon as you could?
What?
You know, I had goals for myself.
I wanted to be able to live alone.
And Boston just felt so chaotic.
And I just got over it.
Providence is so...
Have you been to Providence?
Not in a long time, I would say.
Right, right.
Yeah, well, it's definitely super cute.
It's super queer.
It's like quirky, eccentric, creative.
It's really...I really feel like the community here is just like top notch, really.
Okay, so the community.
Actually first, let's touch on this person you're dating.
How is it that you're dating someone in Brooklyn when you're living in Providence?
Well, I'm a field service engineer, so I travel a lot.
And actually currently I am...I wouldn't call it dating, I guess.
It's like all three situations are super casual.
Did you say all three situations?
Yeah.
Maybe we should start at the top.
Okay, yeah, let's do that.
So I am currently in three casual dating situations.
A big reason why they're all super casual is because I'm a field service engineer and
like traveling is a big part of my job.
So I feel like that's pretty much the only capacity I have right now for dating.
And they're all super great.
And yeah, it's going well so far.
First person that I'm dating in Brooklyn is the...I've been dating her since January.
So she's the longest running casual situation I have so far.
Can you maybe give listeners a little background?
Like what have the last...let's say since we met, right?
Ten years of your relationship and dating life, what has that looked like for you?
When we met, I was dating Sasha.
And she and I were monogamous for...I think we dated for close of five years.
And when we broke up, it was a big drastic change because we were living together.
And all of a sudden, I had to kind of experience the world from a different perspective by
myself.
And also, you know, heal and move forward and yeah, really work on myself.
So when we broke up, I like got on the apps pretty quickly.
Which apps?
Tinder.
Yeah, because I don't think Hinge was like really that big then.
So Tinder was a big thing then for sure.
And so I was going on lots of dates.
It was like kind of unreal and thinking about it now in terms of like why I went on so many
dates, I feel like it was because maybe I was trying to seek validation from people.
You know, because I feel like that was pretty much...I feel like that was a big part of
like my healing process, right?
It was just seeking validation from folks.
But in hindsight, it definitely wasn't the best way to go because people's feelings were
involved, you know, and people got hurt, I got hurt.
And it just, it definitely wasn't the sort of validation seeking that I should have done.
My recent monogamous relationship was happened during the pandemic.
So I was like, I was 32.
So I had been like single and dating for about four years.
You know, when the pandemic happened, obviously, like you're gonna be stuck, you know?
So like, why not have a boo, right?
Why not do the monogamous thing for a while?
Yeah, from dating to like, to the COVID, to monogamy, it was kind of a mind fuck, you
know what I mean?
So life, the whole world stopped.
And it was just, I like now all of a sudden, I had to like, like change my outlook and
do things differently and be cautious and all this shit.
Not that I wasn't being cautious while I was dating, but it was just like, now it's for
major health reasons.
But now dating now, I'm not, I'm not so much so seeking validation from these people.
Just I'm definitely in that state of mind where this is where I want to have fun.
Okay, when did this most recent like dating spout start?
Like when did you get out of your last relationship and start dating again?
We actually broke up on my birthday last year.
Oh shit.
So it's been what 10, no, nine months.
So we broke up during my birthday in August last year and then I met this wonderful person
in October and she, she was a person that I like was posting about or I soft launched
and things ended there because I was traveling a lot and she, and the connection just kind
of like, you know, withered away.
Yeah.
So with my job, it's really hard to keep connections alive.
You know what I mean?
Okay.
A lot of people want that closeness and like physical touch and lots of quality time and
I just can't provide that to folks.
So but she and I are still really great friends.
We talk almost every day and she's super special.
So she's definitely going to stick around in my life for a while.
Are you still dating each other or just friends?
No, we're just friends.
Although we still, we still have sleepovers and we still go on really cute friend dates.
Okay.
Yeah.
And yeah, I actually told her that I like was in love with her.
Recently?
Pretty recently.
Yeah.
And, and I'm okay with that.
Like it feels really good to like, to share that because she's a great person and I just
want her to know that I love her.
I love her through everything really.
Like seeing from dating her to like now just being really good friends.
I see all sides of her, you know?
Yeah.
And yeah, she received it really well when I told her like, it's not weird.
It's just, if anything, it's way more, we're way more comfortable with each other now.
So you dated this person, I feel a couple months after a breakup, you met this person,
you're dating, it's not working because you're traveling a lot.
And in the meantime, you've swiped on a couple other people.
Yeah.
So since this person, since this person that I love, I have been just casually dating and
I haven't felt like any strong connections yet.
And I'm really hoping that I do meet someone where I like feel that intensity again, because
it was so nice, you know?
But a lot of these people that I find really interesting or like want to date casually,
but also a little more than casually are looking for serious relationships, you know?
They're looking for like long-term monogamous things or just long-term primary partnerships.
So there's that level of like, you know, we just, we're not on the same page.
And it is a little discouraging because really I'm just trying to get everyone loved and
laid, you know?
Oh my God.
Yeah.
I'm trying to get everybody loved and laid.
Like I think I, when my friends tell me that they're going on dates or that they like got
laid or something, I feel so, so happy for them, you know?
Hell yeah.
I get it.
Yes.
This is what we should be doing.
Yeah, we should always hype our friends up, you know?
All right.
So we are above 30.
It is a different pool.
Can you tell me what are some of the biggest changes that you experienced from dating in
your twenties to dating in your thirties?
Well in my twenties, I feel like I was more open to different dating styles.
Now I am way more concerned about whether or not I have the space, the capacity to do
anything other than casual.
I mean, I was like, I was a little shit head in my twenties for sure.
I wasn't really as honest.
I pretty much, I did whatever I wanted and I didn't want to be told, you know, anything
else.
Whereas now like I am definitely more communicative and open and honest and way more down to have
serious conversations, you know?
Whereas before I would run away because I was just like, oh, commitment is scary.
But yeah, now that I'm like almost 35, sure, like the idea of like settling down has popped
up.
But like I said, it's like I just, I'm not really in the right place for that.
What have you noticed about other people in their thirties who are also dating?
I think other folks who have dated who are also in their thirties are also open to having
these conversations with me rather than like running away from them as well.
I wonder if there's really any big differences other than just like maturity level, you know
what I mean?
Yeah.
Like emotional intelligence is such a big thing and we could only hope that as you get
older, you are more self aware, you know?
Ideally, right?
Yeah.
And like, and yeah, that's what I'm striving to.
That's what I'm striving towards.
It's just to be more self aware and like gain all this emotional intelligence, all this
knowledge.
I do appreciate that like I think a lot of people now are willing to kind of guide folks
towards like, you know, ethical and ethical, honest dating really.
You say this and I'm wondering, you said the people that you're dating, they don't know
about each other, but they know that you're dating.
Is that, does that fall under this ethical honesty?
Like where are the lines there?
Well, they don't, it's not like they've asked me like what the other person, what the other
people are like or anything like that, you know, or who they are.
It's just, I tell them that I'm like dating other people and when it comes down to like
planning dates or whatnot, I'm honest, you know, I'm like if they want to see me this
day and I can't, I will tell them that I'm going on a date and they receive it really
well.
Everyone's super cool.
This probably is like the chillest like casual situationships I've had and I'm really, really
enjoying it.
It's so easy.
You mentioned a couple times now and also in our text that you've been having some fun
while dating, would you care to share a story or two about this fun?
What does that mean exactly?
I guess it just means that I'm going on really cute dates, you know, and like the fun aspect
of it is the mystery behind it.
So it's like, so it's like all of that sexual tension, you know, just building up throughout
these dates and, you know, trying to figure out who's going to make the first move and,
you know, feeling feelings.
That's definitely the fun part of it.
And can you tell me about, have you been on any dates that were like super awkward or
gone terribly wrong or you thought, oh my God, get me out of here.
Somebody call me with an emergency.
Well, you know, when you get on these apps, like you're bound to get like kind of catfished,
right?
Did you get catfished?
Well, it's like people use filters to the fucking like, to them.
Oh my God.
I hate it.
Unreal.
And so, yeah.
And so like I went on this date and with this person that I thought was like super cute
and we didn't really have much of a conversation on Tinder before meeting.
It was kind of like, she was just like, let's meet tonight.
I'm free.
And I'm like, okay, I guess I'm free too.
You're super close by.
Let's do it.
So I met up with her and she just did not look like her photos.
You know, she was, she wasn't like unattractive, but she definitely just, just, I don't know.
I think her like, I feel like her aura just like was just different.
Yeah.
And she was just really boring.
And oh God, at one point she was just like, she was telling me that she wanted to do all
these things with me, you know, go on all these other dates.
Whoa, like already?
Yeah.
And I already, I had already known like when I first saw her and like, you know, the first
five minutes of like meeting her, that I just wasn't interested.
Yeah.
And so I didn't know how to say like, actually, you know, I, that's not, it's not going any
other days.
But then again, this was, I was like 27 at the time.
Okay.
This was like, and I think this was really my only bad date that I've ever had.
I generally, generally have really good dates.
So yeah, I definitely ghosted her.
And I don't, I don't encourage that, right?
Yeah.
Ghosting sucks.
I was going to ask.
Yeah.
Ghosting sucks.
It doesn't feel good.
And like, I did feel like a shit head, but I also felt like this girl was coming on really
strong and I don't think she like got the hint, you know?
And I was also 27, I didn't know how to be confrontational and not hurt someone.
And how do you handle that now if you meet someone and you know within the first five
minutes or by the end of the first date that you're not really interested?
Oh, I definitely will.
I go the route of like, it was really nice to meet you.
And you know, I just don't think we are on the same page, but I hope you have a great
time and I hope you find what you're looking for.
Just like that.
I'm way more honest now.
That is for sure.
I don't want to waste anyone's time.
I don't want my time wasted.
So yeah, you know, there's that maturity difference, right?
From my 20s to now.
When is your next date?
Well, I guess this coming weekend for the wedding.
You know how weddings can sometimes make people have feelings or people look at other people
and are like, oh, how long have you been together?
What are your plans?
Do you feel any sort of pressure or input from society in regards to where you're at
in your life and who you're dating and how you're dating?
I don't feel any pressure really.
I feel like I'm pretty accomplished in my own personal life that dating and seeing folks
is just another aspect of it.
I wouldn't say it's the most important thing to me right now.
But I guess, yeah, I guess taking them to a wedding, specifically my ex's wedding.
I'm sure I will get questioned by their family members and friends that I hadn't seen in
a really long time.
But I'm just going to tell it like it is.
You know, we've been hanging out since January and she lives in Brooklyn and we don't see
each other that often and it's fine.
It's cool.
Yeah.
I think she's someone that first of all, she's very she's she's practicing solo polyamory
right now.
Can you explain that what that is for people who might not know?
Yeah.
So I think the way she explained it is this she's she's dating other folks, but she's
primarily more so focused on like herself.
And so I feel like I can also sort of relate to that as well right now.
So she's definitely not prioritizing like last minute changes.
You know what I mean?
So so she's definitely like a planner.
If she wants to go on a date with someone, then she will plan it out.
But like, if she's busy doing something else, she's not going to drop what she's doing to
see these people.
I'm curious about your friend group and yeah, well, where you stand within that are multiple
people single?
Are they married?
Are they dating?
Are they in serious relationships?
I have two different two really big different friend groups, you know, of different age
ranges, right?
I was with friends from lot friends last night who are in their 20s.
And a lot of them are monogamous.
And they are in monogamous relationships.
Whereas like the folks in my 30s age range friend group are not so much.
Some are married, but they're also practicing like polyamory.
But I just find it so interesting that the friend group here in Providence who are in
their 20s are monogamous.
But then again, you know, when I was 24, I was in very serious monogamous relationship,
right?
So so I I get that because I definitely felt like I wanted a sense of security when I was
in my 20s versus now.
And I think it was because like, in our 20s, we're still trying to figure ourselves out,
you know, and and in terms of like who we are as a person and career and like school
and whatnot.
And now that we're in our 30s, and we're a little more established in life, or like,
and you know, I hope or I hope everyone strives to be that way.
Right?
I definitely don't feel like I need another person to feel secure anymore.
And there's definitely nothing wrong with longing for security in a partner.
Because like, at the end of the day, like, yes, you should feel absolutely 100% safe
and secure with someone else.
In my case, right now, I don't, I definitely don't need that at all.
I just feel like that's just another form of like validation that I'm not eager to seek
out anymore.
And I guess that goes back to, you know, what I was talking about early on in our conversation.
Yeah, I, I'm also thinking about this.
Yeah, because like, in our 20s, yeah, we all kind of want that we want that serious relationship,
we want that person to settle down with and buy a house and build our careers together
and do these things.
And now I think I'm feeling kind of the same way as you.
Like I've, I went over that hump and I didn't do all those things.
And now I'm like, whew, dodge those bullets.
Whereas there was a time, you know, in my late 20s, where I was thinking, oh my God,
I'm falling behind.
I can't keep a relationship more than a few years, but all these other people are what's
wrong with me.
And yeah, I've definitely asked myself that same question.
Like do I consider myself a like a serial dater or or do I consider myself as a fucking
failure?
Because if you think about it, like all of these dating moments or folks that I was seeing
for two to three months at a time, essentially those like they did fail, you know?
And so I definitely have had a hard time with my own sense of like self-worth.
Yeah.
And I still have, I still have moments where I feel that way now for sure, but it's definitely
not as strong because I just feel like now I have other responsibilities.
Yeah.
So I guess that's yeah, that is a big difference of like dating in my 20s or even like 30,
31 to now.
I feel like people aren't aren't aren't used to like seeing it from a different perspective,
right?
Like instead of seeing it as a failure, it's what are other ways that we can, I guess,
change that narrative, right?
And a lot of times like we're not we're not taught that we definitely see like if we fail
a test and we're a fucking failure and and yeah and so you know being graded really is
is just it's so demeaning.
And I feel like we've taken that into our personal dating lives as well.
But then again, yeah, like I also like I said before, I still sometimes see myself as a
failure, but I'm also just like I have to like backtrack and like, you know, reassure
myself that no, it just didn't work out because of X, Y, and Z. That's all it is.
It definitely doesn't mean that like I'm a failure or I'm the bad person or whatever.
It's just sometimes it just doesn't work the way you want it to.
And you have to be okay with it.
I like to think of it and this has been also a perspective change for me to kind of accept
and get used to because it's come as feedback from other people that I am free.
Yeah, a lot of my friends who are in serious relationships have told me, you know, they
are living vicariously through me, right?
And on the one hand, it feels flattering.
But then on the other hand, it makes me feel like I'm some fucking alien or something,
you know, like like like shit like like, yeah, like it just it doesn't sit completely right
with me, you know?
Yeah.
In what sense?
I wonder that too, like when people say that, I'm like, are you happy in your life?
In your relationship?
Is this where you want to be?
Right.
And I think everyone wants to have I think everyone wants to feel free.
It's just a matter and like you can certainly feel free in a monogamous relationship, you
know?
But I think there's just obviously there's something else to be said about being completely
free and not being attached to anyone.
Yeah.
It's that it's completely different.
And that's all it is.
It's just it's a different lifestyle.
I think people would generally go through phases where they will miss certain parts
of themselves, right?
And will feel nostalgic about like their past lives and their single lives or whatever.
But ultimately you ultimately you just have to find happiness within whatever situation
you've gotten yourself into, you know?
Yeah.
You really got to ask yourself like, is this what you want in this moment in time?
Yeah.
I think along with that, like it's probably why it's so hard for folks to end toxic relationships.
Who?
Preach.
Can we can we talk about that?
Because like that is real, you know?
Yeah, like there's a lot of fear when it comes to ending toxicity.
Yeah.
And I think that, you know, there's that fear of like not being able to find someone else
or afraid to do things on their own or even just a change routine.
Like people are just like they're not comfortable with change.
Yeah.
And so they kind of just accept what is right in front of them.
And or the unknown.
This is a big fear.
Yeah.
Yes.
The unknown.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And I think that watching people fear to me get stuck in these cycles and you know, you
can see it as an outsider.
And I would want my friends to tell me like this needs to fucking stop.
And it's a gentle balance between saying I am watching you like dig yourself a grave
and be so unhappy and frustrated inside every time.
Like please cut this off and to just be supportive and be like and how do you feel?
Would you like to come over?
You want to talk about it?
Yeah.
Ultimately, it's like there it's up to them to, you know, decide what to do with their
lives.
And they we can only advise them as much as we can.
I definitely have some friends who are who are or were in relationships that just weren't
right for them.
That made them unhappy.
And it's hard to see that it is really hard to see that.
And you know, no matter what you say or how much you express your opinions about their
relationships, they're going to feel attacked.
Yeah.
And at the end of the day, they're just going to ask.
They just want you to support them through whatever decision they make.
And if it means that they're going to stick to this toxic person and, you know, yeah,
what are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
You can only hope for the best and hope that they like see it for themselves.
Yeah, I find that difficult.
And also now that you know, right, being on the other side, being this free entity who
is dating and living on their own schedule and being selfish.
Now I think like if I was ever well, one, I don't think I would let a situation like
that happen anymore.
I can't say anymore because sometimes you're blinded by your own whatever.
But I feel that I'm in a place where I am much more equipped to handle these kinds of
things or spot these red and yellow flags and be like, no, that's a hard pass.
Like, I'm not even going to bother getting myself into that kind of situation.
And like, it's not bad being single.
Like my life is pretty great at this moment.
Right?
I fucking love it.
I'm out at parties late into the night.
I don't have to fucking check in with anybody.
I don't need to text anyone like, hey, I'm home.
No, no, you leave when you want.
You go when you want.
You eat when you want.
You watch TV.
You watch what you want.
Yes.
It does feel good.
And sometimes it does feel lonely.
Yeah, it does sometimes.
Especially more so when I'm like having rough days and like I'm possibly, I feel like I
crave a person to kind of defend to about these things.
you know, my bad day.
And yeah, sure, I've got great friends that like will always pick up the phone,
but there's just something special about having your person to rely on, you know?
Like sometimes you just want that like snuggle.
Yeah.
Or that support. You want, you've had a shitty day and you want someone else to make dinner.
That is a hard part about these casual situationships.
Like I feel like I can't tell them that I'm having a bad day and that I want to talk about it.
You know, I don't feel comfortable with that.
Why not?
Because I feel like I'm possibly crossing that casual line.
You know, and I don't want to make the other person feel like they are my emotional, I don't know.
Emotional support?
Yeah, yeah, emotional support.
Yeah, that sounds like that's the line when it goes from casual to dating.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Yeah, and I don't want to cross that line yet.
Not ready.
No.
Is there anything else that you want to share about like dating in general?
Any anecdotes or advice?
I would tell folks, you know, to jump into dating with an open mind, right?
And specifically just to have fun and connect with folks because like you never know what kind of things you could get into and what kind of things you could learn from these people.
And it definitely like also be super honest with yourself as well as these people, right?
Because no one has time for games and bullshit, right?
But yeah, dating should be fun and should be about exploring yourself and growing and also sex, yeah.
That's what it should be about, for sure.
Good sex.
Dating Log is recorded and hosted by me, Wyndham Juno.
It is produced by Harry Dart.
We'd like to extend a giant thank you and a warm welcome to Esme Hemmings, who is responsible for our podcast artwork.
I'm super stoked to have her on board.
You can follow us on Instagram at Dating Log Podcast.
Our website is datinglogpodcast.com.
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