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Welcome to Dating Log, the podcast that records the ups and downs of dating in your 30s.

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I'm your host, Wyndham Juneau, and this is episode three, Loved and Laid.

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In this episode, I spoke with an old friend from Boston who touched on how our lives have

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changed since our early 20s and what it means to be dating now in terms of finding a balance

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with our time, energy, and building a career.

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I hope you all have had a wonderful Pride Month.

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Enjoy the episode.

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Okay, yeah, so I am Chanda.

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I identify as a Southeast Asian American queer.

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I use she, her pronouns.

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I would say, I would consider myself maybe a dapper queer.

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Definitely not butch.

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I hate that word.

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I live in Providence, Rhode Island.

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It is very fucking cute.

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I moved here about three years ago from Boston after having lived there for like nine years.

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I would like to know, can you share your age with us?

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Oh yeah, I am 34.

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I will be 35 in August.

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Remember when we were in our 20s?

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I was just going to say, how old were we when we met?

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Like 23?

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I was 24 when we met.

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Okay, then I was 23.

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Yeah, it was 10 years ago.

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I missed the part where you moved to Providence.

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I thought you were still in Boston.

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No, no, I got out of there as soon as I could.

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And why did you get out of there as soon as you could?

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What?

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You know, I had goals for myself.

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I wanted to be able to live alone.

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And Boston just felt so chaotic.

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And I just got over it.

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Providence is so...

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Have you been to Providence?

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Not in a long time, I would say.

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Right, right.

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Yeah, well, it's definitely super cute.

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It's super queer.

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It's like quirky, eccentric, creative.

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It's really...I really feel like the community here is just like top notch, really.

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Okay, so the community.

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Actually first, let's touch on this person you're dating.

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How is it that you're dating someone in Brooklyn when you're living in Providence?

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Well, I'm a field service engineer, so I travel a lot.

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And actually currently I am...I wouldn't call it dating, I guess.

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It's like all three situations are super casual.

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Did you say all three situations?

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Yeah.

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Maybe we should start at the top.

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Okay, yeah, let's do that.

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So I am currently in three casual dating situations.

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A big reason why they're all super casual is because I'm a field service engineer and

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like traveling is a big part of my job.

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So I feel like that's pretty much the only capacity I have right now for dating.

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And they're all super great.

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And yeah, it's going well so far.

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First person that I'm dating in Brooklyn is the...I've been dating her since January.

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So she's the longest running casual situation I have so far.

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Can you maybe give listeners a little background?

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Like what have the last...let's say since we met, right?

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Ten years of your relationship and dating life, what has that looked like for you?

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When we met, I was dating Sasha.

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And she and I were monogamous for...I think we dated for close of five years.

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And when we broke up, it was a big drastic change because we were living together.

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And all of a sudden, I had to kind of experience the world from a different perspective by

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myself.

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And also, you know, heal and move forward and yeah, really work on myself.

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So when we broke up, I like got on the apps pretty quickly.

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Which apps?

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Tinder.

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Yeah, because I don't think Hinge was like really that big then.

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So Tinder was a big thing then for sure.

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And so I was going on lots of dates.

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It was like kind of unreal and thinking about it now in terms of like why I went on so many

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dates, I feel like it was because maybe I was trying to seek validation from people.

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You know, because I feel like that was pretty much...I feel like that was a big part of

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like my healing process, right?

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It was just seeking validation from folks.

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But in hindsight, it definitely wasn't the best way to go because people's feelings were

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involved, you know, and people got hurt, I got hurt.

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And it just, it definitely wasn't the sort of validation seeking that I should have done.

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My recent monogamous relationship was happened during the pandemic.

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So I was like, I was 32.

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So I had been like single and dating for about four years.

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You know, when the pandemic happened, obviously, like you're gonna be stuck, you know?

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So like, why not have a boo, right?

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Why not do the monogamous thing for a while?

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Yeah, from dating to like, to the COVID, to monogamy, it was kind of a mind fuck, you

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know what I mean?

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So life, the whole world stopped.

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And it was just, I like now all of a sudden, I had to like, like change my outlook and

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do things differently and be cautious and all this shit.

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Not that I wasn't being cautious while I was dating, but it was just like, now it's for

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major health reasons.

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But now dating now, I'm not, I'm not so much so seeking validation from these people.

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Just I'm definitely in that state of mind where this is where I want to have fun.

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Okay, when did this most recent like dating spout start?

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Like when did you get out of your last relationship and start dating again?

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We actually broke up on my birthday last year.

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Oh shit.

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So it's been what 10, no, nine months.

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So we broke up during my birthday in August last year and then I met this wonderful person

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in October and she, she was a person that I like was posting about or I soft launched

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and things ended there because I was traveling a lot and she, and the connection just kind

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of like, you know, withered away.

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Yeah.

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So with my job, it's really hard to keep connections alive.

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You know what I mean?

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Okay.

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A lot of people want that closeness and like physical touch and lots of quality time and

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I just can't provide that to folks.

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So but she and I are still really great friends.

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We talk almost every day and she's super special.

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So she's definitely going to stick around in my life for a while.

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Are you still dating each other or just friends?

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No, we're just friends.

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Although we still, we still have sleepovers and we still go on really cute friend dates.

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Okay.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And yeah, I actually told her that I like was in love with her.

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Recently?

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Pretty recently.

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Yeah.

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And, and I'm okay with that.

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Like it feels really good to like, to share that because she's a great person and I just

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want her to know that I love her.

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I love her through everything really.

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Like seeing from dating her to like now just being really good friends.

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I see all sides of her, you know?

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Yeah.

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And yeah, she received it really well when I told her like, it's not weird.

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It's just, if anything, it's way more, we're way more comfortable with each other now.

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So you dated this person, I feel a couple months after a breakup, you met this person,

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you're dating, it's not working because you're traveling a lot.

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And in the meantime, you've swiped on a couple other people.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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So since this person, since this person that I love, I have been just casually dating and

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I haven't felt like any strong connections yet.

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And I'm really hoping that I do meet someone where I like feel that intensity again, because

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it was so nice, you know?

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But a lot of these people that I find really interesting or like want to date casually,

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but also a little more than casually are looking for serious relationships, you know?

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They're looking for like long-term monogamous things or just long-term primary partnerships.

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So there's that level of like, you know, we just, we're not on the same page.

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And it is a little discouraging because really I'm just trying to get everyone loved and

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laid, you know?

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Oh my God.

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Yeah.

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I'm trying to get everybody loved and laid.

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Like I think I, when my friends tell me that they're going on dates or that they like got

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laid or something, I feel so, so happy for them, you know?

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Hell yeah.

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I get it.

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Yes.

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This is what we should be doing.

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Yeah, we should always hype our friends up, you know?

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All right.

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So we are above 30.

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It is a different pool.

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Can you tell me what are some of the biggest changes that you experienced from dating in

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your twenties to dating in your thirties?

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Well in my twenties, I feel like I was more open to different dating styles.

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Now I am way more concerned about whether or not I have the space, the capacity to do

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anything other than casual.

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I mean, I was like, I was a little shit head in my twenties for sure.

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I wasn't really as honest.

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I pretty much, I did whatever I wanted and I didn't want to be told, you know, anything

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else.

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Whereas now like I am definitely more communicative and open and honest and way more down to have

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serious conversations, you know?

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Whereas before I would run away because I was just like, oh, commitment is scary.

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But yeah, now that I'm like almost 35, sure, like the idea of like settling down has popped

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up.

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But like I said, it's like I just, I'm not really in the right place for that.

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What have you noticed about other people in their thirties who are also dating?

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I think other folks who have dated who are also in their thirties are also open to having

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these conversations with me rather than like running away from them as well.

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I wonder if there's really any big differences other than just like maturity level, you know

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what I mean?

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Yeah.

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Like emotional intelligence is such a big thing and we could only hope that as you get

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older, you are more self aware, you know?

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Ideally, right?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And like, and yeah, that's what I'm striving to.

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That's what I'm striving towards.

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It's just to be more self aware and like gain all this emotional intelligence, all this

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knowledge.

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I do appreciate that like I think a lot of people now are willing to kind of guide folks

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towards like, you know, ethical and ethical, honest dating really.

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You say this and I'm wondering, you said the people that you're dating, they don't know

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about each other, but they know that you're dating.

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Is that, does that fall under this ethical honesty?

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Like where are the lines there?

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Well, they don't, it's not like they've asked me like what the other person, what the other

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people are like or anything like that, you know, or who they are.

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It's just, I tell them that I'm like dating other people and when it comes down to like

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planning dates or whatnot, I'm honest, you know, I'm like if they want to see me this

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day and I can't, I will tell them that I'm going on a date and they receive it really

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well.

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Everyone's super cool.

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This probably is like the chillest like casual situationships I've had and I'm really, really

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enjoying it.

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It's so easy.

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You mentioned a couple times now and also in our text that you've been having some fun

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while dating, would you care to share a story or two about this fun?

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What does that mean exactly?

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I guess it just means that I'm going on really cute dates, you know, and like the fun aspect

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of it is the mystery behind it.

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So it's like, so it's like all of that sexual tension, you know, just building up throughout

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these dates and, you know, trying to figure out who's going to make the first move and,

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you know, feeling feelings.

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That's definitely the fun part of it.

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And can you tell me about, have you been on any dates that were like super awkward or

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gone terribly wrong or you thought, oh my God, get me out of here.

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Somebody call me with an emergency.

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Well, you know, when you get on these apps, like you're bound to get like kind of catfished,

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right?

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Did you get catfished?

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Well, it's like people use filters to the fucking like, to them.

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Oh my God.

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I hate it.

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Unreal.

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And so, yeah.

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And so like I went on this date and with this person that I thought was like super cute

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and we didn't really have much of a conversation on Tinder before meeting.

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It was kind of like, she was just like, let's meet tonight.

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I'm free.

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And I'm like, okay, I guess I'm free too.

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You're super close by.

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Let's do it.

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So I met up with her and she just did not look like her photos.

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You know, she was, she wasn't like unattractive, but she definitely just, just, I don't know.

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I think her like, I feel like her aura just like was just different.

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Yeah.

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And she was just really boring.

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And oh God, at one point she was just like, she was telling me that she wanted to do all

243
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these things with me, you know, go on all these other dates.

244
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,120
Whoa, like already?

245
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:49,120
Yeah.

246
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:50,120
Yeah.

247
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:56,360
And I already, I had already known like when I first saw her and like, you know, the first

248
00:16:56,360 --> 00:17:00,080
five minutes of like meeting her, that I just wasn't interested.

249
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,080
Yeah.

250
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:09,280
And so I didn't know how to say like, actually, you know, I, that's not, it's not going any

251
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:12,160
other days.

252
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,920
But then again, this was, I was like 27 at the time.

253
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:15,920
Okay.

254
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:21,120
This was like, and I think this was really my only bad date that I've ever had.

255
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:28,440
I generally, generally have really good dates.

256
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:33,400
So yeah, I definitely ghosted her.

257
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,520
And I don't, I don't encourage that, right?

258
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,520
Yeah.

259
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:37,520
Ghosting sucks.

260
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:38,520
I was going to ask.

261
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:39,520
Yeah.

262
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:40,520
Ghosting sucks.

263
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:41,520
It doesn't feel good.

264
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:46,560
And like, I did feel like a shit head, but I also felt like this girl was coming on really

265
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:51,720
strong and I don't think she like got the hint, you know?

266
00:17:51,720 --> 00:18:01,080
And I was also 27, I didn't know how to be confrontational and not hurt someone.

267
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:06,520
And how do you handle that now if you meet someone and you know within the first five

268
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,560
minutes or by the end of the first date that you're not really interested?

269
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:12,400
Oh, I definitely will.

270
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:16,320
I go the route of like, it was really nice to meet you.

271
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:22,200
And you know, I just don't think we are on the same page, but I hope you have a great

272
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:25,760
time and I hope you find what you're looking for.

273
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:26,760
Just like that.

274
00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:27,760
Just like that.

275
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:28,760
I'm way more honest now.

276
00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:29,760
That is for sure.

277
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:30,760
I don't want to waste anyone's time.

278
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:31,760
I don't want my time wasted.

279
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:36,760
So yeah, you know, there's that maturity difference, right?

280
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:42,680
From my 20s to now.

281
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,120
When is your next date?

282
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:48,320
Well, I guess this coming weekend for the wedding.

283
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:53,680
You know how weddings can sometimes make people have feelings or people look at other people

284
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:57,800
and are like, oh, how long have you been together?

285
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,920
What are your plans?

286
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:10,160
Do you feel any sort of pressure or input from society in regards to where you're at

287
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,760
in your life and who you're dating and how you're dating?

288
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:18,280
I don't feel any pressure really.

289
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:27,520
I feel like I'm pretty accomplished in my own personal life that dating and seeing folks

290
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:31,640
is just another aspect of it.

291
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:35,160
I wouldn't say it's the most important thing to me right now.

292
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:43,520
But I guess, yeah, I guess taking them to a wedding, specifically my ex's wedding.

293
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:54,280
I'm sure I will get questioned by their family members and friends that I hadn't seen in

294
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:55,280
a really long time.

295
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,720
But I'm just going to tell it like it is.

296
00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:04,840
You know, we've been hanging out since January and she lives in Brooklyn and we don't see

297
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,200
each other that often and it's fine.

298
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,200
It's cool.

299
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,200
Yeah.

300
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:15,040
I think she's someone that first of all, she's very she's she's practicing solo polyamory

301
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,040
right now.

302
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:19,120
Can you explain that what that is for people who might not know?

303
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,120
Yeah.

304
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:27,640
So I think the way she explained it is this she's she's dating other folks, but she's

305
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,240
primarily more so focused on like herself.

306
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:40,200
And so I feel like I can also sort of relate to that as well right now.

307
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:45,840
So she's definitely not prioritizing like last minute changes.

308
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,000
You know what I mean?

309
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,800
So so she's definitely like a planner.

310
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,520
If she wants to go on a date with someone, then she will plan it out.

311
00:20:54,520 --> 00:21:00,220
But like, if she's busy doing something else, she's not going to drop what she's doing to

312
00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:02,840
see these people.

313
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:10,800
I'm curious about your friend group and yeah, well, where you stand within that are multiple

314
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:11,800
people single?

315
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:12,800
Are they married?

316
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:13,800
Are they dating?

317
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,640
Are they in serious relationships?

318
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:21,240
I have two different two really big different friend groups, you know, of different age

319
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,240
ranges, right?

320
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:30,240
I was with friends from lot friends last night who are in their 20s.

321
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:34,840
And a lot of them are monogamous.

322
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,560
And they are in monogamous relationships.

323
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:45,920
Whereas like the folks in my 30s age range friend group are not so much.

324
00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:52,000
Some are married, but they're also practicing like polyamory.

325
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:57,760
But I just find it so interesting that the friend group here in Providence who are in

326
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,400
their 20s are monogamous.

327
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:06,120
But then again, you know, when I was 24, I was in very serious monogamous relationship,

328
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:07,120
right?

329
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:15,680
So so I I get that because I definitely felt like I wanted a sense of security when I was

330
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:18,840
in my 20s versus now.

331
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:23,680
And I think it was because like, in our 20s, we're still trying to figure ourselves out,

332
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:30,880
you know, and and in terms of like who we are as a person and career and like school

333
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,480
and whatnot.

334
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:37,080
And now that we're in our 30s, and we're a little more established in life, or like,

335
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:43,840
and you know, I hope or I hope everyone strives to be that way.

336
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:44,840
Right?

337
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:50,880
I definitely don't feel like I need another person to feel secure anymore.

338
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:57,960
And there's definitely nothing wrong with longing for security in a partner.

339
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:03,120
Because like, at the end of the day, like, yes, you should feel absolutely 100% safe

340
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:06,280
and secure with someone else.

341
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:10,600
In my case, right now, I don't, I definitely don't need that at all.

342
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:17,000
I just feel like that's just another form of like validation that I'm not eager to seek

343
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:18,000
out anymore.

344
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:25,000
And I guess that goes back to, you know, what I was talking about early on in our conversation.

345
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,640
Yeah, I, I'm also thinking about this.

346
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:34,280
Yeah, because like, in our 20s, yeah, we all kind of want that we want that serious relationship,

347
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:39,280
we want that person to settle down with and buy a house and build our careers together

348
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,200
and do these things.

349
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,760
And now I think I'm feeling kind of the same way as you.

350
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,640
Like I've, I went over that hump and I didn't do all those things.

351
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:54,120
And now I'm like, whew, dodge those bullets.

352
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:59,880
Whereas there was a time, you know, in my late 20s, where I was thinking, oh my God,

353
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,640
I'm falling behind.

354
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:07,400
I can't keep a relationship more than a few years, but all these other people are what's

355
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:08,600
wrong with me.

356
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:12,120
And yeah, I've definitely asked myself that same question.

357
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:22,880
Like do I consider myself a like a serial dater or or do I consider myself as a fucking

358
00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:23,880
failure?

359
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:32,720
Because if you think about it, like all of these dating moments or folks that I was seeing

360
00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:37,200
for two to three months at a time, essentially those like they did fail, you know?

361
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:44,800
And so I definitely have had a hard time with my own sense of like self-worth.

362
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:45,800
Yeah.

363
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:53,320
And I still have, I still have moments where I feel that way now for sure, but it's definitely

364
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:58,400
not as strong because I just feel like now I have other responsibilities.

365
00:24:58,400 --> 00:24:59,400
Yeah.

366
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:08,800
So I guess that's yeah, that is a big difference of like dating in my 20s or even like 30,

367
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,120
31 to now.

368
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:21,400
I feel like people aren't aren't aren't used to like seeing it from a different perspective,

369
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:22,400
right?

370
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:29,320
Like instead of seeing it as a failure, it's what are other ways that we can, I guess,

371
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:34,240
change that narrative, right?

372
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:39,760
And a lot of times like we're not we're not taught that we definitely see like if we fail

373
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:48,240
a test and we're a fucking failure and and yeah and so you know being graded really is

374
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,680
is just it's so demeaning.

375
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:58,760
And I feel like we've taken that into our personal dating lives as well.

376
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:06,560
But then again, yeah, like I also like I said before, I still sometimes see myself as a

377
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:11,680
failure, but I'm also just like I have to like backtrack and like, you know, reassure

378
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:19,880
myself that no, it just didn't work out because of X, Y, and Z. That's all it is.

379
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:24,640
It definitely doesn't mean that like I'm a failure or I'm the bad person or whatever.

380
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:29,640
It's just sometimes it just doesn't work the way you want it to.

381
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:32,640
And you have to be okay with it.

382
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:38,760
I like to think of it and this has been also a perspective change for me to kind of accept

383
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:44,240
and get used to because it's come as feedback from other people that I am free.

384
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:51,400
Yeah, a lot of my friends who are in serious relationships have told me, you know, they

385
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,680
are living vicariously through me, right?

386
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:59,240
And on the one hand, it feels flattering.

387
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:06,600
But then on the other hand, it makes me feel like I'm some fucking alien or something,

388
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:15,640
you know, like like like shit like like, yeah, like it just it doesn't sit completely right

389
00:27:15,640 --> 00:27:17,160
with me, you know?

390
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:18,160
Yeah.

391
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:19,720
In what sense?

392
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:26,440
I wonder that too, like when people say that, I'm like, are you happy in your life?

393
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:27,800
In your relationship?

394
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,000
Is this where you want to be?

395
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,000
Right.

396
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:39,040
And I think everyone wants to have I think everyone wants to feel free.

397
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:44,840
It's just a matter and like you can certainly feel free in a monogamous relationship, you

398
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:45,840
know?

399
00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:52,920
But I think there's just obviously there's something else to be said about being completely

400
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:56,200
free and not being attached to anyone.

401
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:57,200
Yeah.

402
00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:59,480
It's that it's completely different.

403
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:00,480
And that's all it is.

404
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,720
It's just it's a different lifestyle.

405
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:09,320
I think people would generally go through phases where they will miss certain parts

406
00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,720
of themselves, right?

407
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:20,320
And will feel nostalgic about like their past lives and their single lives or whatever.

408
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:27,440
But ultimately you ultimately you just have to find happiness within whatever situation

409
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:29,640
you've gotten yourself into, you know?

410
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:30,640
Yeah.

411
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:35,240
You really got to ask yourself like, is this what you want in this moment in time?

412
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:36,240
Yeah.

413
00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:46,200
I think along with that, like it's probably why it's so hard for folks to end toxic relationships.

414
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:47,200
Who?

415
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:48,200
Preach.

416
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:49,200
Preach.

417
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:51,600
Can we can we talk about that?

418
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:55,400
Because like that is real, you know?

419
00:28:55,400 --> 00:29:04,040
Yeah, like there's a lot of fear when it comes to ending toxicity.

420
00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:05,040
Yeah.

421
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:06,040
Yeah.

422
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:11,760
And I think that, you know, there's that fear of like not being able to find someone else

423
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:17,280
or afraid to do things on their own or even just a change routine.

424
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:21,120
Like people are just like they're not comfortable with change.

425
00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:22,120
Yeah.

426
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:27,120
And so they kind of just accept what is right in front of them.

427
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:29,120
And or the unknown.

428
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:30,120
This is a big fear.

429
00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:31,120
Yeah.

430
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:32,120
Yes.

431
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:33,120
The unknown.

432
00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:34,120
Absolutely.

433
00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:35,120
Yeah.

434
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:40,640
And I think that watching people fear to me get stuck in these cycles and you know, you

435
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,360
can see it as an outsider.

436
00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:50,760
And I would want my friends to tell me like this needs to fucking stop.

437
00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:57,160
And it's a gentle balance between saying I am watching you like dig yourself a grave

438
00:29:57,160 --> 00:30:00,440
and be so unhappy and frustrated inside every time.

439
00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:07,160
Like please cut this off and to just be supportive and be like and how do you feel?

440
00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:08,160
Would you like to come over?

441
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:11,160
You want to talk about it?

442
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:12,160
Yeah.

443
00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:17,320
Ultimately, it's like there it's up to them to, you know, decide what to do with their

444
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:18,320
lives.

445
00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:23,160
And they we can only advise them as much as we can.

446
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:32,320
I definitely have some friends who are who are or were in relationships that just weren't

447
00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:33,320
right for them.

448
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:34,320
That made them unhappy.

449
00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:39,360
And it's hard to see that it is really hard to see that.

450
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:46,840
And you know, no matter what you say or how much you express your opinions about their

451
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:49,280
relationships, they're going to feel attacked.

452
00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:50,280
Yeah.

453
00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:53,520
And at the end of the day, they're just going to ask.

454
00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:57,040
They just want you to support them through whatever decision they make.

455
00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:03,680
And if it means that they're going to stick to this toxic person and, you know, yeah,

456
00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:04,680
what are you going to do?

457
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:05,680
What are you going to do?

458
00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:10,920
You can only hope for the best and hope that they like see it for themselves.

459
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:13,520
Yeah, I find that difficult.

460
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:19,400
And also now that you know, right, being on the other side, being this free entity who

461
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:24,000
is dating and living on their own schedule and being selfish.

462
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:29,840
Now I think like if I was ever well, one, I don't think I would let a situation like

463
00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:31,840
that happen anymore.

464
00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:36,440
I can't say anymore because sometimes you're blinded by your own whatever.

465
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:42,440
But I feel that I'm in a place where I am much more equipped to handle these kinds of

466
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:46,360
things or spot these red and yellow flags and be like, no, that's a hard pass.

467
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:51,840
Like, I'm not even going to bother getting myself into that kind of situation.

468
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:54,200
And like, it's not bad being single.

469
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,040
Like my life is pretty great at this moment.

470
00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:58,040
Right?

471
00:31:58,040 --> 00:31:59,040
Right?

472
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:00,040
I fucking love it.

473
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:01,040
I fucking love it.

474
00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:02,040
I'm out at parties late into the night.

475
00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:03,040
I don't have to fucking check in with anybody.

476
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:04,040
I don't need to text anyone like, hey, I'm home.

477
00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:05,040
No, no, you leave when you want.

478
00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:06,040
You go when you want.

479
00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:07,040
You eat when you want.

480
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:08,040
You watch TV.

481
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:09,040
You watch TV.

482
00:32:09,040 --> 00:32:10,040
You watch TV.

483
00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:11,040
You watch TV.

484
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:12,040
You watch TV.

485
00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:13,040
You watch TV.

486
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:14,040
You watch TV.

487
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:15,040
You watch TV.

488
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:16,040
You watch TV.

489
00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:17,520
You watch what you want.

490
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:18,520
Yes.

491
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:19,520
Yes.

492
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:22,740
It does feel good.

493
00:32:22,740 --> 00:32:25,420
And sometimes it does feel lonely.

494
00:32:25,420 --> 00:32:30,880
Yeah, it does sometimes.

495
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:40,480
Especially more so when I'm like having rough days and like I'm possibly, I feel like I

496
00:32:40,480 --> 00:32:45,760
crave a person to kind of defend to about these things.

497
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:47,760
you know, my bad day.

498
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:53,760
And yeah, sure, I've got great friends that like will always pick up the phone,

499
00:32:53,760 --> 00:33:01,760
but there's just something special about having your person to rely on, you know?

500
00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:05,760
Like sometimes you just want that like snuggle.

501
00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:07,760
Yeah.

502
00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:11,760
Or that support. You want, you've had a shitty day and you want someone else to make dinner.

503
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:16,760
That is a hard part about these casual situationships.

504
00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:25,760
Like I feel like I can't tell them that I'm having a bad day and that I want to talk about it.

505
00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:27,760
You know, I don't feel comfortable with that.

506
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:28,760
Why not?

507
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:33,760
Because I feel like I'm possibly crossing that casual line.

508
00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:43,760
You know, and I don't want to make the other person feel like they are my emotional, I don't know.

509
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:45,760
Emotional support?

510
00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:47,760
Yeah, yeah, emotional support.

511
00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:56,760
Yeah, that sounds like that's the line when it goes from casual to dating.

512
00:33:56,760 --> 00:34:00,760
Yeah, yeah, exactly.

513
00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:04,760
Yeah, and I don't want to cross that line yet.

514
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:06,760
Not ready.

515
00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:08,760
No.

516
00:34:08,760 --> 00:34:15,760
Is there anything else that you want to share about like dating in general?

517
00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:19,760
Any anecdotes or advice?

518
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:27,760
I would tell folks, you know, to jump into dating with an open mind, right?

519
00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:39,760
And specifically just to have fun and connect with folks because like you never know what kind of things you could get into and what kind of things you could learn from these people.

520
00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:49,760
And it definitely like also be super honest with yourself as well as these people, right?

521
00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:58,760
Because no one has time for games and bullshit, right?

522
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:12,760
But yeah, dating should be fun and should be about exploring yourself and growing and also sex, yeah.

523
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:14,760
That's what it should be about, for sure.

524
00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:20,760
Good sex.

525
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:24,760
Dating Log is recorded and hosted by me, Wyndham Juno.

526
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:27,760
It is produced by Harry Dart.

527
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:33,760
We'd like to extend a giant thank you and a warm welcome to Esme Hemmings, who is responsible for our podcast artwork.

528
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:35,760
I'm super stoked to have her on board.

529
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:39,760
You can follow us on Instagram at Dating Log Podcast.

530
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:42,760
Our website is datinglogpodcast.com.

531
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:47,760
If you'd like to send us a message, you can email us at datinglogpodcast.gmail.com.

532
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:53,760
And lastly, we are super excited to share the news that we've got a full season coming up for you.

533
00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:56,760
So please like and subscribe wherever you listen.

534
00:35:56,760 --> 00:36:02,760
And if you're enjoying the episode so far, leave a review and tell a friend.

535
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:12,760
We'll be back in two weeks with a new episode.