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You are listening to Illuminating Hope, a podcast
of Hope House. Welcome back to Illuminating Hope,
a podcast of Hope House. I'm Tina Johnson. Today
we're going to be talking about the incompetent
suitor. But before we begin, I want to be very
clear about the purpose of this series. Understanding
the different types of stalking is not about
excusing or sympathizing with abusive behavior.
This information exists so survivors can better
recognize patterns, strengthen safety planning,
and trust their instincts. There's never an excuse
for stalking. Responsibility always lies. with
the person choosing the behavior and never the
survivor. I am going to present a challenge of
common excuses or maybe name what gets minimized.
There's a type of stalking that often gets brushed
off as awkwardness, persistence, or not knowing
better. Today we're talking about the incompetent
suitor and why harm doesn't. disappear just because
intent is minimized. So what is an incompetent
suitor? The incompetent suitor stalks in the
context of loneliness and could be sexual desire.
Their targets are usually strangers or acquaintances.
Unlike the intimacy -seeking stalker, the goal
here is not a loving relationship but a date
or a short -term sexual encounter. This behavior
is about access, not connection. In many cases,
incompetent suitor stalk for relatively short
periods of time, but when the behavior continues,
it's often because the stalker is indifferent
or blind to the distress that they are causing.
Just to be clear about an important boundary,
distress that goes unnoticed by the pursuer is
still distress. Sometimes this insensitivity
is linked to cognitive limitation, poor social
skills, or different conditions and disorders.
Understanding neurodiversity helps explain the
behavior, but it does not excuse the harm. Boundaries
still matter, consent still matters, and safety
still matters. And just to add some clarity,
people with disabilities are not inherently dangerous,
but survivors are not required to endure harm
in the name of compassion. This type of stalking
may look like repeated advances after rejection,
maybe sexualized comments, showing up repeatedly
in shared spaces, or continued contact despite
clear discomfort. Often victims are told to be
nice or give them a chance or not to make a big
deal about it. But discomfort is a boundary and
boundaries don't require justification. So let's
pause to reframe and remove guilt or social pressures.
You are not responsible for teaching someone
how to respect your boundaries and you're not
obligated to sacrifice your safety to spare someone
else's feelings. No explanation is required for
a no. Your no can be a complete sentence on its
own. In closing, naming the incompetent suitor
helps us to stop minimizing harm and start prioritizing
safety. In our final episode, we'll talk about
the predatory stalker. The predatory stalker
is the most dangerous and deliberate form of
stalking. If you or someone you know is experiencing
stalking, support is available through your local
police department, domestic violence organizations
like Hope House, or the National Domestic Violent
Hotline at 1 -800 -799 -SAFE. Thank you for listening
to Illuminating Hope, a podcast of Hope House.