WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.839 Picture this. The journey ahead starts here together 00:00:04.839 --> 00:00:07.820 and together we can build a brighter future. 00:00:08.779 --> 00:00:13.080 You are listening to Illuminating Hope, a podcast 00:00:13.080 --> 00:00:20.280 of Hope House. Welcome back to Illuminating Hope, 00:00:20.480 --> 00:00:24.460 a podcast of Hope House. I'm Tina Johnson. Today 00:00:24.460 --> 00:00:26.859 we're going to be talking about the incompetent 00:00:26.859 --> 00:00:30.260 suitor. But before we begin, I want to be very 00:00:30.260 --> 00:00:32.880 clear about the purpose of this series. Understanding 00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:35.759 the different types of stalking is not about 00:00:35.759 --> 00:00:38.719 excusing or sympathizing with abusive behavior. 00:00:38.979 --> 00:00:41.920 This information exists so survivors can better 00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:45.200 recognize patterns, strengthen safety planning, 00:00:45.619 --> 00:00:49.060 and trust their instincts. There's never an excuse 00:00:49.060 --> 00:00:52.859 for stalking. Responsibility always lies. with 00:00:52.859 --> 00:00:56.079 the person choosing the behavior and never the 00:00:56.079 --> 00:00:59.619 survivor. I am going to present a challenge of 00:00:59.619 --> 00:01:04.219 common excuses or maybe name what gets minimized. 00:01:04.340 --> 00:01:06.760 There's a type of stalking that often gets brushed 00:01:06.760 --> 00:01:11.739 off as awkwardness, persistence, or not knowing 00:01:11.739 --> 00:01:15.799 better. Today we're talking about the incompetent 00:01:15.799 --> 00:01:19.700 suitor and why harm doesn't. disappear just because 00:01:19.700 --> 00:01:23.200 intent is minimized. So what is an incompetent 00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:26.700 suitor? The incompetent suitor stalks in the 00:01:26.700 --> 00:01:31.280 context of loneliness and could be sexual desire. 00:01:31.439 --> 00:01:34.379 Their targets are usually strangers or acquaintances. 00:01:34.540 --> 00:01:38.099 Unlike the intimacy -seeking stalker, the goal 00:01:38.099 --> 00:01:41.900 here is not a loving relationship but a date 00:01:41.900 --> 00:01:45.879 or a short -term sexual encounter. This behavior 00:01:45.879 --> 00:01:51.079 is about access, not connection. In many cases, 00:01:51.680 --> 00:01:54.760 incompetent suitor stalk for relatively short 00:01:54.760 --> 00:01:57.819 periods of time, but when the behavior continues, 00:01:58.200 --> 00:02:00.920 it's often because the stalker is indifferent 00:02:00.920 --> 00:02:04.260 or blind to the distress that they are causing. 00:02:04.579 --> 00:02:07.159 Just to be clear about an important boundary, 00:02:07.620 --> 00:02:11.310 distress that goes unnoticed by the pursuer is 00:02:11.310 --> 00:02:14.650 still distress. Sometimes this insensitivity 00:02:14.650 --> 00:02:18.310 is linked to cognitive limitation, poor social 00:02:18.310 --> 00:02:21.710 skills, or different conditions and disorders. 00:02:22.430 --> 00:02:26.409 Understanding neurodiversity helps explain the 00:02:26.409 --> 00:02:30.990 behavior, but it does not excuse the harm. Boundaries 00:02:30.990 --> 00:02:35.590 still matter, consent still matters, and safety 00:02:35.819 --> 00:02:38.620 still matters. And just to add some clarity, 00:02:39.080 --> 00:02:42.120 people with disabilities are not inherently dangerous, 00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:46.560 but survivors are not required to endure harm 00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:49.560 in the name of compassion. This type of stalking 00:02:49.560 --> 00:02:53.180 may look like repeated advances after rejection, 00:02:53.719 --> 00:02:57.219 maybe sexualized comments, showing up repeatedly 00:02:57.219 --> 00:03:01.759 in shared spaces, or continued contact despite 00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:05.240 clear discomfort. Often victims are told to be 00:03:05.129 --> 00:03:08.370 nice or give them a chance or not to make a big 00:03:08.370 --> 00:03:12.129 deal about it. But discomfort is a boundary and 00:03:12.129 --> 00:03:15.650 boundaries don't require justification. So let's 00:03:15.650 --> 00:03:19.669 pause to reframe and remove guilt or social pressures. 00:03:19.870 --> 00:03:22.210 You are not responsible for teaching someone 00:03:22.210 --> 00:03:25.250 how to respect your boundaries and you're not 00:03:25.250 --> 00:03:28.389 obligated to sacrifice your safety to spare someone 00:03:28.389 --> 00:03:33.979 else's feelings. No explanation is required for 00:03:33.979 --> 00:03:39.020 a no. Your no can be a complete sentence on its 00:03:39.020 --> 00:03:42.379 own. In closing, naming the incompetent suitor 00:03:42.379 --> 00:03:47.479 helps us to stop minimizing harm and start prioritizing 00:03:47.479 --> 00:03:50.500 safety. In our final episode, we'll talk about 00:03:50.500 --> 00:03:53.740 the predatory stalker. The predatory stalker 00:03:53.740 --> 00:03:57.219 is the most dangerous and deliberate form of 00:03:57.219 --> 00:04:01.240 stalking. If you or someone you know is experiencing 00:04:01.240 --> 00:04:05.259 stalking, support is available through your local 00:04:05.259 --> 00:04:08.039 police department, domestic violence organizations 00:04:08.039 --> 00:04:11.919 like Hope House, or the National Domestic Violent 00:04:11.919 --> 00:04:17.779 Hotline at 1 -800 -799 -SAFE. Thank you for listening 00:04:17.779 --> 00:04:21.680 to Illuminating Hope, a podcast of Hope House.