WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.839 Picture this. The journey ahead starts here together, 00:00:05.379 --> 00:00:07.820 and together we can build a brighter future. 00:00:08.800 --> 00:00:13.000 You are listening to Illuminating Hope, a podcast 00:00:13.000 --> 00:00:22.460 of Hope House. Welcome back to season 4 of Illuminating 00:00:22.460 --> 00:00:26.359 Hope, a podcast of Hope House. I'm Tina Johnson. 00:00:26.739 --> 00:00:29.980 January is stalking awareness month. Today we're 00:00:29.980 --> 00:00:34.200 starting a short but very important series understanding 00:00:34.200 --> 00:00:38.340 the five types of stalking. Stalking is often 00:00:38.340 --> 00:00:42.140 misunderstood. It can be minimized, and even 00:00:42.140 --> 00:00:45.780 romanticized. Many survivors don't even realize 00:00:45.780 --> 00:00:49.219 what they're experiencing has a name. Before 00:00:49.219 --> 00:00:52.479 we begin, I want to share that today's episode 00:00:52.479 --> 00:00:57.100 includes discussions of stalking behaviors. Please 00:00:57.100 --> 00:01:00.359 listen in a way that feels safe for you. Also, 00:01:00.359 --> 00:01:03.679 before we begin, I want to be very clear about 00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:06.299 the purpose of this series. Understanding the 00:01:06.299 --> 00:01:09.939 different types of stalking is not about excusing 00:01:09.939 --> 00:01:14.299 or sympathizing with abusive behavior. This information 00:01:14.299 --> 00:01:18.200 exists so survivors can better recognize patterns, 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:23.260 strengthen safety planning and trust their instincts. 00:01:23.480 --> 00:01:27.180 There is never an excuse for stalking. Responsibility 00:01:27.180 --> 00:01:31.840 always lies with the person choosing the behavior, 00:01:32.299 --> 00:01:35.629 never the survivor. The first type of stalking 00:01:35.629 --> 00:01:38.950 I want to talk about is called rejected stalking. 00:01:39.129 --> 00:01:42.349 Rejected stalking usually happens after the breakdown 00:01:42.349 --> 00:01:45.890 of a close relationship. Most often, the victim 00:01:45.890 --> 00:01:48.750 is a former intimate partner, but it can also 00:01:48.750 --> 00:01:52.390 be a family member, close friend, or someone 00:01:52.390 --> 00:01:56.909 the stalker had had a very close bond with. This 00:01:56.909 --> 00:02:01.909 kind of stalking is rooted in rejection and for 00:02:01.909 --> 00:02:05.049 the person doing the stalking that rejection 00:02:05.049 --> 00:02:09.250 feels unbearable. There are typically two motivations 00:02:09.250 --> 00:02:13.169 that drive rejected stalking. The first is an 00:02:13.169 --> 00:02:15.729 attempt to reconcile getting the relationship 00:02:15.729 --> 00:02:20.780 back. at any cost. The second is revenge, punishing 00:02:20.780 --> 00:02:25.780 the victim for daring to leave, say no, or simply 00:02:25.780 --> 00:02:29.599 moving on. There's often a push -pull dynamic. 00:02:29.860 --> 00:02:33.580 I want you to recognize confusing behavior patterns. 00:02:33.819 --> 00:02:37.280 One of the most confusing things about rejected 00:02:37.280 --> 00:02:41.759 stalking is how inconsistent it can feel. One 00:02:41.759 --> 00:02:45.699 moment. the person may seem loving, apologetic, 00:02:46.020 --> 00:02:49.340 or desperate to reconnect. The next moment, they're 00:02:49.340 --> 00:02:52.919 angry, threatening, and even cruel. The push 00:02:52.919 --> 00:02:58.819 -pull dynamic is not love. It's ambivalent. They 00:02:58.819 --> 00:03:03.000 do not want a mutual connection. They want control, 00:03:03.300 --> 00:03:08.219 reassurance, or restore their own. damaged sense 00:03:08.219 --> 00:03:11.759 of self. Why does stalking continue? In long 00:03:11.759 --> 00:03:15.960 -term cases, rejected stalking can continue long 00:03:15.960 --> 00:03:20.580 after any chance of reconciliation is gone. For 00:03:20.580 --> 00:03:24.060 some stalkers, the behavior becomes a substitute 00:03:24.060 --> 00:03:27.479 for the relationship itself. If they're watching 00:03:27.849 --> 00:03:32.810 contacting or monitoring the victim, they still 00:03:32.810 --> 00:03:36.490 feel a connection. For others, stalking becomes 00:03:36.490 --> 00:03:41.830 a way to salvage their own self -esteem. Instead 00:03:41.830 --> 00:03:45.909 of processing rejection in a healthy way, they 00:03:45.909 --> 00:03:50.729 externalize the pain, blame the victim, and try 00:03:50.729 --> 00:03:55.389 to regain that power and control. There is something 00:03:55.389 --> 00:03:58.500 I want to pause and note here. and that it's 00:03:58.500 --> 00:04:01.919 important for survivors to understand. None of 00:04:01.919 --> 00:04:06.360 this means the victim caused the stalking. Rejection 00:04:06.360 --> 00:04:11.819 does not create abuse. Abusers choose abuse. 00:04:12.099 --> 00:04:14.719 So what does this look like in real life? I'm 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:17.819 going to share some practical recognition without 00:04:17.819 --> 00:04:21.459 listing tactics that will teach harm. So rejected 00:04:21.459 --> 00:04:24.930 stalking may look like constant calls, texts, 00:04:25.269 --> 00:04:28.750 or messages after being told to stop, showing 00:04:28.750 --> 00:04:32.589 up uninvited at someone's work, church, or maybe 00:04:32.589 --> 00:04:35.870 their social spaces, monitoring social media, 00:04:36.069 --> 00:04:40.720 or using others to gather information, alternating 00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:44.660 between I miss you and using verbiage like you'll 00:04:44.660 --> 00:04:48.560 regret this, refusing to accept the end of the 00:04:48.560 --> 00:04:51.560 relationship. There is normalized confusion. 00:04:51.819 --> 00:04:55.060 Many survivors struggle because part of this 00:04:55.060 --> 00:04:59.779 behavior once looked like love, but when contact 00:04:59.779 --> 00:05:04.079 continues, after consent is withdrawn, it is 00:05:04.079 --> 00:05:08.310 no longer love. It is stalking. I want to stop 00:05:08.310 --> 00:05:12.829 and validate and gently empower you right now. 00:05:12.970 --> 00:05:16.509 If you recognize this pattern in your life, I 00:05:16.509 --> 00:05:19.389 want you to hear this clearly. You are not being 00:05:19.389 --> 00:05:23.470 dramatic. You are not misreading it and you do 00:05:23.470 --> 00:05:28.129 not owe anyone access to you because of a past 00:05:28.129 --> 00:05:32.019 relationship. In the next episode, we'll talk 00:05:32.019 --> 00:05:36.160 about another form of stalking and why the type 00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:39.399 matters when it comes to safety and support. 00:05:39.759 --> 00:05:43.160 Sometimes stalking isn't about wanting the victim 00:05:43.160 --> 00:05:47.480 back. It's about punishing the victim for saying 00:05:47.480 --> 00:05:52.959 no. The resentful stalker is driven by anger, 00:05:53.279 --> 00:05:57.259 entitlement, and the belief that they have been 00:05:57.259 --> 00:06:00.459 wronged. So in the next episode, we're naming 00:06:00.459 --> 00:06:03.819 what that resentment looks like when it turns 00:06:03.819 --> 00:06:07.720 into control and why it's never the fault of 00:06:07.720 --> 00:06:13.060 the victim. Again, not all stalkers want reconciliation. 00:06:13.579 --> 00:06:18.259 Some want revenge. As we conclude this episode, 00:06:18.660 --> 00:06:22.480 remember, healthy love respects boundaries. Control, 00:06:22.720 --> 00:06:27.519 obsession, and fear are not love, no matter how 00:06:27.519 --> 00:06:31.319 often someone claims they are. If you or someone 00:06:31.319 --> 00:06:35.220 you know is experiencing stalking, help is available. 00:06:35.339 --> 00:06:37.980 You can contact your local police department 00:06:37.839 --> 00:06:41.540 your local domestic violence organization like 00:06:41.540 --> 00:06:44.579 Hope House or the National Domestic Violence 00:06:44.579 --> 00:06:50.139 Hotline at 1 -800 -799 -SAFE. Thank you for listening 00:06:50.139 --> 00:06:53.519 to this episode of Illuminating Hope, a podcast 00:06:53.519 --> 00:06:54.480 of Hope House.