What is up bros, I'm Caleb and I'm Jonathan.
We are a couple of bros that are going to be critiquing how shitty people are at the movie theaters today.
Welcome to the All Bros podcast. Today we are joined by two special guests.
DJ, our unofficial, or I think we officialized that, official third special host and then return
of the great Jason Almi. What up, what up?
Hell yeah. Dude, I haven't heard you on like a free show in forever.
I don't think you heard me on a paid show in a while.
Yeah, I got to, I do have a show though and I got a YouTube and they're, they're both out there for
free. So, you know, they're available to you, pop culture mass, movie mass on YouTube and, uh,
apple and shit. So, I mean, I'm just saying the last episode come out. Uh, you could check easily
on your smart phone. I think it's, I think there's been, there's been at least two episodes since 2023.
Look, I put three, you know, just for your, for your information, DJ, uh, I have,
I have four that I released in October. I released four episodes on pop culture mass
in October for your information. None yet in November, but I'm working on that.
All right. Listen, I have no room to talk. The untrained eye, the podcast that brought me to this
show to begin with has not had an episode come out since November of 2023. Also dragging the
table is dragging the bottom of my goddamn podcast app. Dude, of all of ours. I mean, holy shit.
That was a deep cut right there. That was a deep pull. I went hard for that.
We love you, DJ. Don't worry. It's true, dude. I got my audio. Listen, I almost canceled again,
cause I thought this was some kind of a trick or a ploy, uh, to get us on the same episode.
Like, Oh, Jason hasn't, he hasn't, uh, gotten back to us yet. I don't know what I'm saying. Uh,
all right. Well, like we said, we're going to be talking about movie theater etiquette this week.
We're actually going to make a full blown list that I'm going to be like, I'll create a little
something, something for it, but yeah, we're going to create like a whole little outline of what the,
the rules of the movie theater are. And DJ and I are here to represent the, um,
um, the movie theaters in the black neighborhoods, right? That's what DJ and I are doing here.
Correct. That's what I thought. I, I for one, enjoy people yelling at the screen. I love it.
Yeah. I love it. Cause that's, you know, I feel like that's, that's me too. Right.
Need motivation. Angry dad podcast, trying to jumpstart your life. Angry dad podcast.
You want help getting off the couch. Angry dad podcast. You need a verbal kick in the ass.
Angry dad podcast. You want to hear from somebody who's been through it all. Angry dad podcast.
I am here for you. You can find me on all podcast platforms. Listen, I, I've never been to a rocky
horror picture show, uh, you know, where you throw spoons at the whatever. I'm sure it's great. I'm
sure it's amazing. I would enjoy it. I would see Django unchained and me and my bloody Ross were
the only two white dudes in that theater. And let me tell you, it was, it was pretty uncomfortable,
but also a lot of fun. It was a strange mix. Um, cause there was a lot of celebrating during that
film. Uh, a lot of pistolas being shot up in the sky. A lot of celebrating. Oh man. Sat near the
back. I was like slinking down on the chair like this. Like, Oh my God, I don't look like Leonardo
DiCaprio at all. No fucking. Apologize for my people. Apologize for my general pallor right now.
I'm like correct use of grammar, but I'm fucking hiding. Yeah. That was a, that was a very fun
experience. It was in Atlanta, Georgia too. So I mean like we're talking about Atlanta. So yeah,
I mean it was fucking ATL. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That'd be a very risky movie to go see
around there. I don't know what I was thinking. I walked in there like a babe, like a newborn babe,
just like an idiot. Like let's go see Django unchained. It's Quentin Tarantino movie. I like
that guy fucking walked in and was like fucking record screeched. I was like, why are you guys
playing a record in here? It's a movie. It's reached. Everyone started putting out their
fucking joints real quick. I was like, no, I'm cool. I'm not. I'm not a cop. I swear.
I look a lot like the man, but I am not the man. So don't worry. You, you gentlemen can keep
smoking your marijuana. Yeah. So there's only one, like only one rule that my, or me and Rose have
agreed upon is the number one rule of movie theater etiquette. And that is shut the fuck up.
It is so rare to hear Caleb say fuck. So you know that he means business. He means business.
Yeah. Let me ask you guys this, just generally speaking, not just that one particular rule,
cause I think it's a good rule and important rule, but do you guys believe that rules are meant to
be broken? No, not in this case, the minority here. Cause I do believe rules are meant to be broken.
Listen. Okay. Listen. Yes. In the sense that, like I just said, the Rocky horror picture thing,
I'm sure there are other movies where you go to see them and there's like some kind of, you know,
cult thing that everyone does where they're like, we all brought, you know, I dunno, tulips or
something that we all stand up and, you know, do a 360 and throw them behind our shoulder.
If you're going to see Avengers end game and the girl beside you is going to her boyfriend,
the whole, the whole first 20 minutes, who is that? Wait, is that rocket? It wasn't rocket.
Is he, is what, what about, is he going to get the stones now? What happens now? And you have to know
there is, there is no time to break rules on a new movie. Okay. So that's, that's one of those
instances that you painted right there, DJ, that I would say that's not a good instance of like,
rules are meant to be broken. Cause if you break a rule, you got to break it in like a good way.
That's like, you know, you can't be like that girl who's like asking her boyfriend, like,
why is that raccoon talking? Are the shrooms kicking in? Did you, did you dose me again?
You son of a bitch. I am not letting you have anal tonight. If you dose me, see, that'd be pretty
funny. I would think that would be like, that's, that's a rule. That's okay to break. If you can
be funny about it. Like when, when the black lady's yelling on the screen, like bitch, get out of
there. Don't bitch. Don't go up there. The killer's going to fucking cut your titties off with a
rusty knife, bitch. You know, like to me, that's funny. So it's like a good breaking of the rule.
Cause now I'm laughing like, like in scary movie with a Brenda and the movie theater.
Exactly what I was thinking of. I saw, what was it? What was the second in the,
the sequel trilogy called rise? The Jedi? What was it called? The one everybody hated? Uh,
last Jedi. Yeah. The last Jedi. There was a, there was a moment where BB eight pulls the, uh,
the like tarp or whatever off of R2D2 and it's silent for a second. And a little kid somewhere
in the theater somewhere was like, is that his uncle? And like the whole theater lost it. And
like, that is like the perfect example. I think of like that little kid can break that rule.
I think if you hit it like that, you get, you get one per movie, right? You can't just break
the rule. The whole movie you get one. And if it's that silent moment and somebody comes in
with like a good zinger and it's not long, it's just a few words. Boom. It really does improve
the experience for me. Cause like it's a communal thing too. Like I can watch a movie alone at home.
I can eat Chinese food with no pants on at home too. But I'm at the theater because I want to be
seated amongst my peers such as you. Oh, for everyone just listening, uh, the ghost of Christmas
past just took Jason Almey all the way out of the stream. What just happened, bro? The best comedic
timing in the world just happened. I can't wait to listen back and hear it. I'm just fucking yapping
the whole time. And then you get all your faces disappear. And I'm like, when you come right back
and you're laughing, like, I just like a time skipped like five minutes and you guys said a
funny joke. I missed it. That's not good etiquette. So you, so you would love to see a movie with us
and action and action. Yeah. It's a communal experience is all I'm saying. So like some of
that, like the etiquette is an important topic, which is why I was interested in discussing it
with you guys. But then also like, I dunno, my big rules are meant to be broken sometime kind of guy.
You know, if you've got a funny zinger for Thanos, I'm all about that life. I think there's one zinger
allowed per movie. Like you can't have some dude like fricking practicing his type five in the back
like every time there's a pause in the, in the movie. Yeah. Like you get, you get one like that
little kid yell and is that, or is that his uncle? That's the one no one else gets to make a joke.
The entire rest of the movie. Yeah. You don't want to, you don't want to like come in when they're
taping an episode of mystery science theater 3000 and you're sitting behind these goons and they're
just fucking talking all the time. Like shut the fuck up. Come on, man. Yeah. And like, like DJ said,
there are some instances where it's like, yeah, where you're going to like one of those cult
following movies, like those experiences where people do a certain thing, like a sing along
or whatever, like those are like outside of the realm of normal movie going. Like those are like,
you're going for the event, the experience or whatever. Like this is just like, Hey, a new movies
out in theaters. I'm going to go check this out. It's like, it doesn't really have a following.
Yeah. That's important. You got to catch the dialogue. You know, speaking of sing alongs,
just, I want to run this guys, run this by you guys. So with wicked coming out this weekend,
a lot of people are like telling fans, even movie theaters are saying, please don't sing along.
We know you guys know these songs by heart, but please don't sing along. There's a sing along
coming in December. I don't necessarily agree with that. I, yeah, I'll say this. I don't either.
In a rare move. I agree with DJ. It's, I mean, that's part of the reason why you're there
to begin with is like it was, it's like going to Hamilton and being like, I, or yeah, that's the
movie, right? Hamilton or the show. Yeah. Yeah. And telling people like, Hey, I know you've seen
the show a billion times and you have the soundtrack, but when he started talking about
Alexander Hamilton, like you just shut your mouth and you hold on your play bill and don't say
anything like, shut up. You're going to, you're going to say, you just are like, I mean, if they,
if I walk in that theater and he tears my tickets and he's like, you fucking sit there silently,
motherfucker. I'd be like, don't you fucking tell me what to do just because you told me not to.
Now I don't even know the words. I'm going to fucking sing because I ain't never seen
with you now one fucking time, but guess what? I'm going to fucking sing anyway. I'm not like
fucking hypnotized, like singing Biggie Smalls lyrics and shit. Everybody else is going to be
like, the fuck I'm like, it's cool. She green. Yeah. This is like with a movie like wicked,
you know that those, the, like the people that know those songs by heart and are probably going
to sing along are going to go to like the event view. It's like that, like they're going to be
there opening weekend. Yeah. A later viewings. Like that's when you want those people to go.
But if you're coming in on like a Wednesday with like a group of five people in a theater, that's
basically empty. Maybe, maybe don't. Yeah. Specifically wicked. Let me ask you guys this.
What do you suppose the percentage of, you know, the ratio, the percentage of like gay to straight
is going to be in your average screening of wicked? Is it going to be at least 50% gay
or you think it might be like seven? It's 80 20. Yeah.
How are you going to call a gay person not to sing too? You are, they're gay. That's where the
word comes from. They're going to sing. The motherfuckers are going to sing. You can't like
all my gay friends, try telling any one of my gay friends not to sing. First of all,
they're going to sing. And then second of all, they're going to slap your mouth for telling them
not to sing. And then the problem arises when like, I don't know how many of you guys have been
in church next to the, the lady or the fella that is like, I don't just want to sing this one.
I want to let Jesus know that I should have been signed to a record label and I am going to sing
louder than I should. And I'm going to sing with vibrato that isn't there. And I don't necessarily
realize that I don't have the skill to sing, but I'm going to sing loud enough so that
Christ himself can hear me. So basically my child, that was Caleb.
Just described both of my fucking kids. I'm just going to fucking belt this shit out at the
fucking heavens. Oh no. Half the fucking words, even though you've seen Moana 47 times, I did not
know the fucking words. Uh, Caleb, were you allowed singer at church? Is that what I'm gathering?
No, I don't lie. Come on. Dude, I freaking, I've, I've opened those freaking flood gates
I'm just letting them fly now. No, I, I did not like singing anywhere. Even like when it was like
a choir situation, like, no, like I did not care for singing, but I'm pretty sure if we sat together
and you know, like we were both singing, I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words. Honestly,
no, that's not, I did 100%. I was raised Catholic, dude. I just fuck them. I was just miming them
fucking words. I just started pretending I was in a box too. I'm like miming everything. I'm like
quietly ejaculating just like the priest. I mean, uh, quiet. I'm just a fuck. I'm
Catholic. I'm like, why are y'all here to sing? I'm just, can I just drop this check off and go?
Like, I'm just here to make right with the Pope, right? Like get, let me just drop the check off
and I'll leave. I'll get out of your way. I don't need to breathe up any of the air in here. Let me
just go. I'll drop off the check and then, you know, I'll rub baby Jesus toes on the way out
or whatever. You get a little baby Jesus statue. I'll rub his toes, rub his toes. Then that's good.
You know, you tickle the baby Jesus and drop off your check. And then you leave that's church
etiquette. If you're Catholic, he's right. I grew up Catholic. He's a nose. What's the, what's the
Mormon equivalent equivalent to that? What would you say, Caleb? I don't know if there is, they
freaking guilt us into staying the full time. Hey, that, that heretic movie, I fucking, I told you
guys, I saw man, that's a, that one's about some Mormons. It's got some Mormons in it. It's about
two Mormon missionaries and they're fucking hot too. That's one that I'm, yeah, that's one I'm,
I'm pretty excited to check out. Yeah. Holler at me after you see it. I don't want to derail this
particular episode, but holler at me after you see it. Cause I want to yell about it.
Hell yeah. All right. Are we going to go down the line? Are we going to each give a rule?
I say, yeah, I say that's how we freaking do it. So Rose's turn. Yeah. Rose, what's your,
what's your number two? I feel the only screen that you should be a pay get paying attention to
is the film screen in front of you. It irritates the hell out of me when I see phones throughout.
And especially like if it, you paid to be here, it's not like this was a free event. Yeah. So
especially if you're like seeing it at night where those show tidings can be up to $20.
If you're seeing an XD or IMAX. So you're paying $20 to be on your fucking phone. That's,
that's stupid. So, so are you talking directly to Caleb? Because
listen, he's not talking to me. He's talking to my wife. Don't throw your wife under the bus.
I will absolutely throw her under the bus for this particular instance. Yeah. Her ass is getting
thrown way under the bus. I'm sure if we go back to the tape and listen to maybe the second or
third episode I was ever on, it was me giving you a ration of shit. Cause you're like, I had to check
my phone real quick. I didn't look, I just, I did it under my shirt. Nobody saw it. I swear to God.
And the babysitter shot it. You look, you did it. You do it. This is you. We're talking about you,
Caleb. It was a very intense game of candy crush. I had to try to finish that level.
The movie unfortunately began before I finished the level of candy crush, but you know,
this is important. I'm with you. I think it's kind of sad these days that like people are so,
A, they're so addicted to their phone. But then also what comes with that is the glut of short
form content that I believe is ruining us as a species, especially the children. Yeah.
Yeah. The, or it's going to give birth to the next, the next phase of entertainment. You never know.
Yeah, could be. That's why the Irishman felt so goddamn long. You know, you're used to,
No, it didn't feel long. That's like saying walking across America feels long.
If you walked across America, that would be like, fuck, that was a long ass,
and that movie would still be going. It would still be slowly curb stomping, slowly and
feebly curb stomping a guy who was so accommodating here. Let me lay my head on the curb for you,
Bob. Hold on. Give me again. That fucking curb stomp scene was the worst. I got that movie over
there as a long movie. Only it was only 47 and a half hours. I mean, if you have a couple of days
to watch one movie, you're good. Yeah, I had to watch it in three. I had to watch it in three settings. Today,
I went to the store. I went to a barge and mobile. I got a, I got a seven samurai today on 4k.
That one's a long one too. I'm gonna fucking try and sit through that. Take a minute. It's gonna take
a minute. But yeah, I think the short form content is kind of ruined people's attention spans.
And that's why I think people whip out their phones during the movies. Cause I'm like, you
can't fucking just enjoy it like 90 minutes of a long form entertainment. But I think people have
a hard time with it for real. No, that's why like when they say like, uh, silence your phone, like
I turn my phone completely off and I make anyone that's with me also turn it off. Like it's great.
My nephew, of course, he's got a girlfriend now. He's like, I gotta leave it on. What if she texts
me or something? I'm like, well, then you can't save her. You don't even have a car. So turn it off.
Plus that's what you need to tell him. That's, that's a bad precedent anyway,
that you're willing to like just put down the shit you're doing. Like I'm in a movie, man. Like,
you know, if you're, if you seriously, if you're stuck on the side of the road, I'll come help you.
But like, come on, man, don't be like, if you text me a tip picture while I'm in a movie, I'll fucking
fap to it when I get out, but I'm not going to fap to that tip pick until this movie is done.
Cause I got to respect the filmmakers. You should even know it came through until you turn your phone
back on. Exactly. The final credits roll. You've seen the after credit scene, uh, for the Irishman
too. And, uh, you're just, you're done. The lights come up and it's time to go and your phone comes
on. Yeah. That really was like the Martin Scorsese end game though. It was like he brought back all
his, he got everybody back. Fucking Joe Pesci. They wheeled Joe Pesci's ass back in and he's like,
all right, I'll do this one. This last one just for you, Marty. Oh, the phone,
phones are hard. Like it's, it's hard because like, no, it's not backtracking.
For those of you that don't know the story, my, I think it was my mom was fricking calling me and
like during the quiet place, which is like the worst movie for this to happen. She was calling
me and I had my phone on, on silent, like you're supposed to. Yeah. But I, I, I had it like where
the screen was facing out. And so I could see the light from my pocket. So I reached in and I flipped
my phone around. So it was screened up against my leg. And then I went back to watching the movie,
but then my, my mom called my wife. And so my wife pulled her phone out because new,
new baby and everything. This is like one of our first nights out with the, so she pulled her
phone. I pulled it out, like tucked in her jacket, looked at it and she was just like,
Hey, it's your mom. And I was like, all right, just handle it. Like, and she's just,
so she just like hung up, put it back or whatever. And then the lady that was like
two seats down, like through the biggest bitch fit about it because she's, yeah,
because she said that it like distracted her. And I'm like, how? Like I couldn't even see
that she was looking at her screen. I just, you know, I don't know if it's autism or
ADD or what, but I, when I get into a movie theater, my peripheral vision widens so far
that I do see if there is someone that is in the row in my row or in front, if they take their
phone out, if there's any light, I see it. Even if they like put up their smartwatch and they're
just looking at it, like I'll see that light. And it makes me want to just make people not
want to go to the movies anymore after what I do to them, because it's just,
yeah, I recommend being intoxicated at the theaters. So that way it's fun. You don't notice
that stuff as much. By the way, that was my next rule is no booze until you get to the theater.
Ooh, I want to hear your rule. I mean, are we done with screens? Cause I can,
we can order those people all day. I'm not super upset at the screen people,
to be honest with you. Like, I don't know that that like the situation that Caleb just
described kind of, you know, it's sort of the same thing. The same boat I'm in, I got two young kids
that are pretty much same ages as his. And it's like, just kind of ruins you for going to see
movies. Cause you know, the minute you get in like Murphy's law, somebody's going to be like, yo,
your fucking kid is, I got a question. Am I supposed to feed him the bread one or the blue one and
shit like that? You know, he's vomiting green now. What does that mean? Like when I think the
screen is more acceptable if both parents are out together. And also I think real dependent on the
age of the kids. Like if they're teenagers, fuck it. Caleb has said, fuck more than me this episode.
And this is like, this is amazing. This is monumental. Listen, I told you the floodgates
have been open, dude. You're not, you're not necessarily wrong, but here's the move. You make
sure that the screen is pointed towards your leg in your pocket. And if you feel it buzz, just
politely get up and excuse yourself. Don't pull it out and be like, let me make sure it's an emergency.
Hey, if you think it's an emergency, go step outside. Don't, don't be, don't make me look at you
cause you've got a light on. Cause here's the thing. It's not that it's, I don't think anyone's mad at
the quick look, but it's, you're not, you're not the first person that's pulled their phone out.
That makes sense. Cause there's always that guy. I was sitting next to that guy once. And thankfully
for me, he was so much bigger than me that I was like, it is not worth it to tell you anything,
sir. You can have your phone out as long as you want. But I wanted to like have some brass knuckles
in my pocket that I just pulled out and just started punching him in his face until he couldn't
see the phone anymore and be like, Hey, was that text worth it? Anyway, I'm going to continue
enjoying Ant-Man or whatever I'm watching. Uh, thank you for this. It was Deadpool and Wolverine,
by the way, the second viewing. That's the only reason why I didn't actually say anything. Cause
I was like, I have seen this movie. My nephew is to my right. This idiot is to my left. So he
can't actually see the phone. So that's fine. I guess. Yeah. Like quick, quick is like a quick
look is fine. As like, as long as you, like you attempt to hide it in some way, shape or form.
I think that's important too. Like, you know, you ought to at least, if you seem like you're kind of
ashamed of yourself a little bit, then it's like, he's not being flagrant about it. He's got it up
against his leg or she's got it in between her tits. And she's like looking down, she got her
chin mashed in between her tits and she's got the phone up under there. As long as they're like
going through some pains to like conceal it, even if they're doing it very poorly, then I'm,
I'll give them credit. I'm like, look, they tried, they gave it a shot, you know? And as long as they
just do a quick look, I'm like, look, they did a quick look and I can tell they feel bad. I'm not
going to say shit. I'm going to let them get away with it. Yeah. And I think as long, like, if you
have to do it during like a bright scene where everything is illuminated, like you're not going
to notice one extra light down in the corner or whatever. Like if everything's fricking like out
in the sun and some shit where my wife, where she checked it, I mean, it was a fricking quiet place.
So it was like in the middle of the night in the movie. And so yeah, she, like her little light
illuminated a lot. And so yeah, I understand why the, why that lady was pissed,
but this lady also took it a little too far. I need to check my phone, but I'm waiting for a fade
to black. Sorry, I dropped my earring. Hold on. I'm looking for it. Oh God. Yeah. Wait, do you guys,
do the theaters that you guys normally go to, are they, what is it? What's it called? Like you buy
your seat in advance. Like you don't have to look for a seat. You just, it's reserved seating. Yeah.
And here's the best thing. Like, because this is how it is near me. Do they have like the recliner
chairs too? The one I use to go to those. You push the button. It's like,
the first time we went to, they like revamped our theater years ago and they put one of them in.
And the very first time we went to see a movie at the theater after they put those recliners
and my wife fucking fell asleep during Wonder Woman. Those are super comfortable. We took
our nephews years and years ago to see a Captain Underpants and a man I fricking laid back. I
heard that guy say diarrhea von Puppenstein and I laughed. And the next thing I knew, the credits
were rolling. All right. So I think our rule number two could be if you have to check your phone,
be quick and shameful. Be shit. Yeah. Be shameful. Yeah. Make a face like this pain. So you're like,
oh, yeah. And I give a little like, oh, sorry guys. Yeah. Anyone who's like looking in your
general direction. Yeah. If someone says something, just be like, yo, I'm a fucking prick and I should
get run over after this. Okay. Like I understand. I'm a piece of shit. Okay. They've got to fucking
tell me my, I know my kids know my wife knows they all know I'm a piece of shit. I'm so fucking
sorry. That's why I'm here alone. They already left me. Okay. I'm already miserable in my life.
This is supposed to be my weekend, but I really wanted to see you guys understand like how
fucking happy I would be if it was just me at the theater, like just me all by myself. I got the
fucking popcorn. I got the Coke. I'm not sharing with nobody. Nobody's fucking. I didn't pay $57
for four fucking tickets. I'd be so happy. It is nice. I will fully admit it. It's very, have you
have you have you have done it before though? Right. Jason. What? Like go see a movie by myself
or yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Like recently like Deadpool. I was traveling. I was actually out
of town for a conference and um, like I had a like Monday was just, there was nothing until like that
evening. So I was like, dude, what am I doing after lunch? I'm fucking going to, I went to see
Deadpool and Wolverine at one o'clock in the afternoon by my fucking self. It was excellent.
It was so good. Hell yeah. My wife isn't as super into movies as I am. So I get to go to the movie
theater by myself a lot. Yeah. I don't, I don't go a lot by myself because my wife, while my wife is
not as into films as I am, just like your situation, um, my wife has a problem with me enjoying my life.
She has a problem. Like I'm going to go see a movie by myself and I think on paper that sounds okay
to her. She's like, okay, that's fine. But when she sees the smile on my face, as I'm like grabbing
the keys, she sees this smile. She's like, Oh no, mother fucker. I'm coming with you.
I want to go see this movie. She's like, no mother fucker. We're going to see this other movie.
We're going to see Barbie again. I've never seen Barbie. I haven't seen that one. It was, it was
very good. Yeah. I have not, I have not ever seen it. I'm trying to, there was a point in that movie
where I'm certain you were supposed to be on drugs to watch it. Cause I'm pretty sure we watched her
be born. I'm not sure I've ever seen it. I'm not sure I've ever seen it. I'm not sure I've ever
watched her be born from like, like in like a, in like a 2001 Odyssey. Well, it started with like
that homage to, to Kubrick, but like there was like a, I don't know. I can only describe it as
her being born. Watch that movie. It's the weirdest, it's the weirdest movie you'll ever watch.
If I do, I'm going to eat some of the shrooms I got upstairs.
You should. We broke that one down with, with Beth. It's great episode. I remember Bethany,
the literal better half. I'm sorry. She couldn't be here tonight.
All right. What's, what's rule number three, DJ? Rule number three kind of ties into rule number
one, because I, the situation that I gave you about end game and what is that raccoon doing there?
This was a thing that happened to me. And this was two people that walked in, like,
what's the word I could smell the, I could smell the booze on them as they were sitting down and
they were talking, they were talking as like the credits were rolling, but I was like, surely as
soon as the movie actually starts, they're going to shut their traps. Nope. They did not at all.
And it was, I, Beth was sitting to my left, the husband boyfriend was sitting to my right
and his girlfriend wife was sitting to his right. And I just kept hearing her try to whisper, but
doing that just drunk whisper of like, and is he getting the stones now? I thought he had all the
stones. Where are the stones? And then she just started narrating what was happening. And now he's
got them. What does he, Oh, look, and he's doing that. And I just leaned over in a moment of
weakness. I should have just said nothing. I should have just done nothing. But I was like,
I leaned over and I was like, Hey, we don't need you to narrate the entire movie as we're seeing
it. We're actually watching it in real time. And she, her boyfriend, husband, whoever looked at me
and I could just, he reeked of booze and he looked at me like, I'm going to punch your face into the
back of your skull. And all I could think was, all right, it's time to just look forward and pretend
like that just is what I do. And that's exactly what I did. And I just looked straight forward and
just kept watching the movie. And I felt him like burning daggers into me the whole time. And his
girlfriend tried to say one more thing. And I knew I had done it because he was like,
you know what that means? That means he's your bitch. He's his woman for you. He's his woman
because he didn't want to upset DJ. You should have called him whiskey dick the whole rest of the
night. Enjoy your night. When you guys get home, enjoy not making love whiskey dick.
I was drunk. Can I tell you, I was so full of anxiety at that point because I was like,
this guy's going to punch me. Like I'm just going to be sitting there watching the movie enjoying
it and he's gonna punch me in my face. And to his credit, he did not. But all of this to say,
if you're going to drink, I'm all for drinking at the movies, just wait till you get there.
Don't don't pregame. Like you don't have to pregame or if you do don't pregame so hard
that you are shit faced when you show up. But how do you feel about other substances? Because I'm
definitely guilty of not just alcohol, but also other things. And sometimes with those things
being like federally illegal, and not certainly not something that you can buy at the theater,
you kind of almost have to pregame that shit. What do you think about that? So I'll open it to
instead of just saying don't drink, I'll just say like, nothing that's going to make you. I don't
know that I would want to be sitting next to someone on Molly. To just all of a sudden, they
just like, yeah, their head is on my shoulder. And they're just like, oh, my God, I know,
they're just running their hands through your beard.
Things up so many things I want to talk about. I think you have to choose your drugs specific
for the occasion. Like you have to know I'm going to see a movie. So I want to choose substances
that are gonna help me to sit and watch the fucking movie and not make me want to like,
either jerk myself off or blow the guy next to me or dance or whatever.
Listen, you should never there. I can't think of a movie that you would need to or want to watch
on coke, except for maybe like Wolf of Wall Street towards the middle.
Yeah, I let me tell you about a mistake I made one time guys. I, you can tell me how badly I
fucked up. It's gonna be obvious. I don't know why I did this. But I, I obtained some edible
marijuana from a friend of mine some years back. And I'm, I'm, I'm still not like a professional
with edible marijuana. But at the time, I was a complete noob when it came to eating weed. And so
I really didn't know how much of it to have. It was like an edible granola, which is also weird.
Well, why does it have to be granola? You make it like all healthy and shit. Like I'm gonna,
like I gotta eat the whole thing. And, and so it can't be just like, it's weird. Like it used to
be like when I was in high school, it's just like they made edibles. It was just brownies. You just
eat a brownie and get high as fuck. And now it's like, we've got edible fucking whole grain,
fucking. Wow. What? Like I don't. Honey bunches of oats. Why is it like, why is it hard to eat
like, why is it hard granola? So anyway, I eat this granola and I eat way too much,
but I did it right before going to see the movie it. Oh, no. I eat all this weed and then I dropped
to the theater, right? Like, cause the weed takes a minute to kick in, but it kicks in when I get to
the theater and me and YRF are like, we're like, we're like walking, like animals trying to get
into the fucking like, like quadrupeds. I'm putting my hands down on the ground and shit to get her
popcorn. And we're standing in line and we're just looking at each other like, what the fuck is
happening? And we go sit down for the movie and we're just like, all right, we're gonna see the
movie it, you know, the one about the clown with the big fucking teeth and he eats a little kid in
the first five minutes of the movie. And we're just both like this, like you can't see me gripping
arm in my chair, but we're like gripping the fucking seat. Like it was like two hours of just
pure anxiety, like pure hellish like that whole movie. And I think everyone in that theater was
like, is he fucking okay? He's breathing funny. Like he's not making much noise. He's certainly
not looking at his phone, but what the fuck is wrong with this guy? And we fucking like turned
into animals during that movie. I need to rewatch that film. This wasn't the most current it, was
it? It was the first of the two most current it's. Oh my god, dude. No. It was a bad idea. It was a
terrible, I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. But it's one of those things that like seems
like a good idea. Like we're gonna go see a movie. Let's eat some weed. And then you get there and
you're just like, turns into his mouth, turns into fucking spikes and shit like razor blades,
and it opens all wide and Bill Skarsgard is fucking weird as fuck anyway. So he's doing a great job
and you're just like, I made a fucking bad choice already in me. Like all this weed is in me. I got
fucking THC. My heart's going to don't don't don't don't. And it's like THC THC THC THC just pushing
it all through my fucking brain. And it's like edible. So it's like, okay, get ready to be high
for the next 17 fucking hours. That movie seem like it was 43 hours long, because I got to imagine
13 minutes in you're like, it must be close to over. I started like writing, you know how like
the guy on the desert island starts writing the fucking notes. I'm like writing on the fucking
side of the chair. I'm like, it's been 47 weeks. I've been fucking watching this clown Pennywise
devour children over and fucking over again. And dude, it was it was a wild experience. That was
a mistake Blade Runner 2049. I got we ate some weed before going to see that one. That was a
better one for eating some weed. So okay, that okay, you've helped me refine what I'm saying,
then it is. It's kind of no pre gaming, unless it's that kind of situation. But definitely no
first times. You know what I mean? You're like, hey, I've never done this substance before. Let
me try all of it now and then go into public for hours at a time, even if it's in a dark room.
Yeah, no, you got to know how that shit affects you. Well, because listen, there is a difference,
like, there's a difference even between I remember the first time because I always smoked like joints
or blunts when I was a child. And then the first time that I took a hit off of one of those like
giant like two foot water bongs, I'm like, let me show you idiots how to smoke like a real man.
And I frickin took this whole thing to the head and passed away.
You just winnie the pooh when he goes out of his body.
I left this earthly plane, and I thought I was never coming back. And, and that's it. That would
be the same if I was like right before I went in to go and see you know, the lion, the witch and
the wardrobe and was like, everybody watch this. And just took that to the head and went in there
and just guys, I didn't see any movie, but I did see God himself. I fucking up I do. That's the
one thing I do love about smoking it better though, because it's in and out faster, I think.
When you eat it is just like, all right, this shit is fucking in you.
You're in there for the long haul. Your international flight, you're gonna be high for the whole fucking 20 hours.
How do I do this next time I fly to China, I'm gonna do that shit.
So I would say normally, because I'm sure I've been in in theaters with people that are high on
any number of substances. But I would say then maybe I would bring it back to just like,
if you're gonna drink, wait till you get there. Just wait till you. What's the word be responsible
with your substances. Maybe that would be the rule. You know, I haven't always I haven't always done that.
And you're not listen, nobody's gonna be your some days you're gonna be the you know, is that
his uncle kid, you just got to make sure that you know, you're not being too obnoxious.
I feel you. I feel I are you guys have any movies that like, you refuse to watch sober? Is there
is there any movies you're like, I gotta be fucked up for this one. I'm not watching it sober. If you
want to watch this movie, we're getting fucked up. If you want to stay sober, we're not watching this
movie. I'll tell you one you should never watch on anything other than life. And that is the movie
Requiem for a dream. Never appropriate to watch that. No, you should absolutely not. I feel like
that's the one that's even worse than watching it. Have you guys seen Caleb and Rose? Have you seen
Requiem for a dream? I'm looking that up real quick. One with Jennifer Connelly.
Look for the double. Google the double dong scene. Google double dong. You're gonna like it.
They're going butt to butt and they got nice juicy butts back bouncing. Boom, boom, boom, boom. It's
it's nice. You're gonna like it. It's okay. No, that's one of those movies where you're like,
that was the first movie that I ever watched that I was like, oh, movies don't have happy endings
sometimes. Sometimes they're the first movie when they started. It's bleak as shit. But I kind of feel like, you know, with respect to the characters, it's hard to watch them sober. I got a movie that I refuse to watch sober. I watched it sober once. And it was fucking weird and uncomfortable. And that is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
I have never honestly the only movie I've ever seen on anything was Scott Pilgrim versus the World. And that's a great movie to watch. Hi. That's something a lot of fun. Yeah, I watch every movie sober. I think I'm the same with Caleb. Like, you know, I've drank in the past, but I don't think I've ever watched a movie intoxicated. Why do you know I feel wait, what?
Just keep winking for anyone just listening. They're just winking, wink, wink, wink, wink. I've never done drugs, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink.
I my question is, like thinking of, you know, like bad movies that you absolutely hated, but like you think might be at least enjoyable while intoxicated or high. How do you guys feel about Borderlands? Do you think that would improve that movie at all? Or do you think it would still be dog shit?
I never seen it either, but I bet it would improve it. I doubt what I will say is that I find that doing I like to do drugs and drink during films because it enhances my enjoyment of the film, in my opinion. And so like, for me, I want to make a good movie better. And I thought it was gonna be great. So I ate some weed. And that was not a good idea. But
you know, I don't I think if there's a bad movie, I'm like, I'm just gonna avoid it and watch a good movie and and eat a little weed and
And I said earlier, there's no movies that you should watch on Coke. I was wrong. Fear and Loathing. You probably
Oh, yeah.
Pretty loaded.
Fear and Loathing is the movie that you watch on anything you can get your hands on as much as you can get your hands on as many different things as you can get your hands on.
And as much as you can stand. Yeah.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is meant to be a crucible. It's meant to be a test of your fortitude. Okay, can you survive this? I've seen the first 45 minutes of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 100 times. I've seen the last 30 minutes of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas three times.
I have never started that movie before midnight. I don't watch it over. I do not make the end of that film guys. I fucking do the Winnie the Pooh gif and I just
float away. You know, my body's still there like
I gotta watch that movie again. I haven't seen that in years. I just bought it on 4k like a week ago. I've been up in my fucking 4k game on Criterion this month because they're 50% off at Barnes and Noble. I got really good at that.
Barnes and Noble. I got Risky Business on 4k. I got fucking
Double Indemnity on 4k. Boo. Yeah, Billy Wilder dog 1944.
I couldn't spell indemnity if it if it cost me everything couldn't do it. Does it start with an E or an A?
An I actually. All right. Well,
I think it's not up to me. Alright, so number three. I put don't pregame the booze or any other recreational substances and absolutely no firsts.
Yeah, yeah, I would say. Yeah, that sounds good. Alright, what's rule number four, Jason?
I this is one that I have broken on many occasions. I would like to tell you guys about, but I think rule number four is no ejaculating in the theater.
Theater, though, like all theaters or just specific theaters because some theaters. It is appropriate. I think I think even at those theaters. I think Paul Rubin's went to jail over that.
I think I think he got in some trouble and I think it was one of those adult theaters. What I'm trying to say to you guys is this.
When I have ejaculated in a few few movie theaters. Unfortunately, I don't know about you guys, but I have definitely I have blown loads on the floor and on the back of the seat, mostly the back of the seat probably
Oh, no, not why you have the popcorn bucket right there. I'm trying to eat that shit. I'm trying to jizzle my own.
Eat the popcorn first to get your strength up and then you
Sometimes I gotta get jerked off.
Extra badger like hey, we're going to share this popcorn. Give me a small bag.
The popcorn recovery between blasts. You know, you got to pop off, then you need some popcorn. Watch a little bit more first night starring Richard Gere and Sean Connery and then you're going to pop off again. You know I'm saying like I'm trying to get it twice.
The popcorn recovery and
I have to know speak, you know, like with what DJ said with the popcorn bucket and everything is one of the movies you ejaculated was it Deadpool and Wolverine.
No,
I know right now they got fuckable popcorn buckets all popcorn buckets look like this. Why does every fucking popcorn bucket look like this now? $25 but they all
They know their audience.
Yeah, it's like the Deadpool and Wolverine popcorn bucket look like a Wolverine fleshlight and it was like, all right, I mean, am I supposed to stick my hand in that because I got a big hand but a tiny dick I can put my dick in there.
I wouldn't even hit the Wolverine sides man shit. Well, yeah, I got I mean, you know, it's when you're a kid I you guys probably had the same experience you're 13 you're 14 you're going on dates you know you're old enough to like you know you get your mom drops you off at a fucking PG 13 movie it's 1994.
First night is out Richard gear Sean Connery you know what I'm saying Sir Lancelot and shit and it's like yo I mean like I got a fucking javelin right here in my fucking pants let's fucking joust baby and you know I've been blown in the theater I've been I've definitely been jerked off several times.
And you know it's dark you don't know where that's going you got no fucking clue where that's going it's not like you could aim it at the best circumstances either.
Like you're not you don't know where it's going so I gotta say that's a rule I really think you should strive not to jack it in the theater, however, having been a violator of that rule for much of the night I think that's a good thing.
I have to say that like a I'm sorry for anybody who's like for anybody who's gotten home like what the fuck that I step in what is this on the.
shoe I am sorry to that person.
We had a theater.
So much popcorn butter all over this what I remember getting white cheddar popcorn oh my rose no sorry.
We had a movie theater in our neighborhood that was specifically called the sticky shoe.
yeah that's what I'm saying man they think it's because you spilled soda like sometimes you know you walk through there it's like kind of squishy because someone spilled their soda or whatever and that's what I was always counting on I was like awesome he's just gonna think it's soda.
But like every now and again I believe in that theater and the guy would be going in with the broom and he would come back out and get a mop.
So you're saying this should not be allowed or this should be allowed i'm confused.
I know i'm what i'm saying is I feel guilty because I have violated that rule many times.
So you think there should be like Disneyland style cameras like infrared pointed towards the thing they're like just come over the microphone we see what you're doing stop it and grow.
I mean I don't know about that it's just like with checking your phone it's like how do they enforce that they can tell you please don't look at your phone please don't.
Get really fucked up on drugs before coming to see it and then shitting your pants during the movie please don't ejaculate on the back of the seat we just installed these recliners.
And if that person's reclined enough in front of you you might not even it might go over you know what I mean like imagine being fully reclined and you just start feeling this.
Jizz on like this is what the fuck is hitting me on the fucking chest and it's coming over your shoulder from behind you so i'm saying.
That as a rule just etiquette towards other human beings even there's really nothing to stop us if you want to get wild and free like turn your phone on blast or porn on your phone.
While on drugs and getting jerked off and blasted over like pop off on the dude in front of you and you know but you you shouldn't do any of that is what i'm trying to say.
I feel like you know how we were talking about rocky horror picture show I feel like what you're saying is what you're supposed to do during a live showing of fear and loathing in Las Vegas.
yeah.
I think definitely somebody has ejaculated during rocky horror picture show in fact I think every screening of rockery horror picture show at least one person ejaculates.
During that that's one of those rules are meant to be broken things if you're in rocky horror and people start whipping it out by all means do you think.
All right rule number four no beating the meat.
Honestly it's specifically the ejaculate that's the problem if you're touching your penis that's not really an issue until well.
Issues.
Right.
Opening weekend.
It's only an issue if you finish.
Which I did at one time have you guys seen the movie Billy Madison.
Absolutely I wanted to see that movie with my girlfriend in the mid 90s this was during my heyday of ejaculating in the theaters we made the mistake of going to see Billy Madison on opening night.
Every fucking seat in that whole theater was packed side by side and i'm like you still jerking me off right come on.
I'll give a shit there's a lady right next to me I don't care she's 60 she's seen it before I don't give a fuck.
And i'm i'm like finger blasting during fucking Billy Madison do my fucking i'm doing everything did i'm like Billy Madison stalking gibberish i'm laughing my ass off i'm.
i'm like finger I mean because you don't think it's just me getting jacked off i'm finger blasting the lady you know what i'm saying i'm like i'm getting pruney fingers during that movie.
And you look over in that 60 year old lady is like thank you.
That old lady's like you got two hands.
Your pussy's gonna smell like my grandma's house.
So much to unpack with what you just said.
Man listen I don't think that finishing is necessarily the problem it's it's spraying it like if you cover it up and keep it contained.
yeah I suppose that's a little bit more etiquette like then yeah just letting it free no i'm gonna go ahead and say this is why being uncircumcised should be more normal.
All in there.
I save it for later it's my flavor saver down below.
Don't do it with the lights off yeah if you were sitting in a room of people with the lights on would you be doing it if not don't that's exactly how i'm.
I think I think specifically it really is about containment of bodily fluids during a film because I mean look i'm not saying I would because it doesn't feel as nice as as coming does.
But like you shouldn't shit on the floor like pissing up or whatever either because you don't want to miss a minute of the movie you got to leave to go use the restroom.
So like I think it's like my rule really is about like keeping your bodily fluids within you or at least you know getting up to use the restroom.
Because if I was getting jerked off in a theater these days I'd like to think I would be polite enough to get up and go to the bathroom for like completion like when i'm about to pop off.
You when you see me running out the back I would run like running out the theater like gripping my pants like trying to hold my fucking belt up or whatever.
That's me trying to make it to the bathroom real quick because I might have got too close you know what I mean like my old lady might have got me a little too close.
And you always that's that's a I mean y'all are men y'all know that's a tough one that's a tough line that's a tough tightrope to walk as you want to get as close as you can.
You know you get to the bathroom but like if you get too close you know it's all about balance and you can easily get too close and it's like all right i'm popping off I guess.
Just like the 90s i'm about to i'm about to do it on the floor if I can but I hope that dude in front of me is not to lean back.
Well in fairness in the 90s no one was leaning back.
That was a straight up chair there was no leaning there was no nothing.
And in my defense I did try to go see movies that were like several weeks old like a month old so there would be very few people and I sat in the back you know I mean like we did our thing back there and it was like all right.
y'all try to enjoy the movie sit in the middle we're gonna sit in the back and you know.
I didn't know I never moaned I never did the like the the the coming like oh like any of that.
See that's just courtesy at its finest.
I mean even back then I understood etiquette is important, even though I am ejaculating inside this theater.
The things we do as teenagers should just be completely scrubbed through from any record.
yeah I'm very glad I never got caught doing that because if that was on my permanent record can you imagine if your kids found out about you after you died or some shit like that.
Dad was great but I just found out that when he was 14 his girlfriend at the time jerked him off in a theater 47 times Jason I don't know if you know this, this is going on the Internet.
Yes.
I have not subscribed my five year old from your show I'm afraid.
Listen.
So does this begin Caleb?
Listen, this could be on the Internet forever you this they could be 25 just like I wonder what happens if I whatever the equivalent of Google is my father.
You know they say the Internet is forever but I'm not sure I believe that yet.
It's been what 30 years and seems pretty permanent.
Unless you're going to learn some very interesting things about me if they care to Google me I think they're going to regret it like me eating the weed to go see it they're going to be like I should have done that.
Was a bad idea.
Well that's the thing this is this is the you almost should let your kids listen to this so they know what not to do.
I mean benefit from my mistake you know.
So I'm more than that if you wouldn't do it with the lights on don't do it with them off.
All right.
My number five is keep your shoes on your feet.
I think that's nice coming after what I just said I just want to.
Or exactly.
Choose on man for your own protection beyond safety.
Yeah well these people that freaking come to these theaters that like that have the recliners and shit they get way too comfortable with that shit.
They should.
And I had some lunch.
Yeah and I had some lady freaking kick off her shoes and she even went as far as taking off her socks too.
No.
Yeah that's if you don't cut like.
If you don't come to the theater and flip flops leave your shoes on like no one needs that like every.
I forget what movie it was too but she was sitting right next to me and I was like I was ready to burst.
I was.
That's where you.
Some rules are meant to be broken but that is not one of them.
Well where do you land on like Crocs.
Can you slide the Crocs off.
No Crocs stay.
I think you should keep the Crocs on but if you got socks and it's not smelly then I might forgive you if you are very discreet and I don't really notice then that's cool but you start taking your socks off like this late.
Was she like unroll her panty hose she took her fucking panty.
Shit.
She's like fucking rubbing her dogs and shit like that.
Oh man he's fucking bunions been hurting.
So she.
I don't know if you want to like it was like a straight like she was straight up wearing like pajamas.
It was like pajama pants like pajama shirt like a freaking cardigan she brought in a blanket and shit.
And so like if you're going to do all that underneath.
I was just a homeless lady that just decided to get some warmth and a fucking movie.
Dude if it was like I'm still judging her very harshly.
I would do.
Yeah I mean I.
In general I judge the homeless.
I don't know if you like.
Yeah she started like just taking the layers off.
She dropped her shoes and I was like.
OK like.
I can live with this.
And then she started going for her socks and I'm like God damn it.
And yeah her feet freaking stunk too.
So OK you were getting some stink.
I was going to say I don't know if you want to lump this in.
Because this was mine but maybe you could just broaden it to like hygiene because one of mine was take a shower.
Like I've never I've never dealt with the sitting next to the stinky person.
But I got to imagine that's I mean and you're telling me that that horror story right now.
Lady with her stinky feet.
Because yeah no I couldn't.
I could I would have to just move like there would be no like well maybe I can get through this like once I get through this.
Like once I can smell you as a human I don't know if I can like we live indoors now.
You can't you can't do this.
Put on some deodorant spray on some some body spray do something.
Yeah.
Bare minimum if I'm going to a movie theater I'm putting on deodorant and giving myself a good little spray down.
Like bare minimum.
That's even knowing how many people are going to be in the theater beforehand.
Like when I can like choose my seats and shit like even if the theater is basically going to be empty and I'm still sitting by myself I still freaking clean it up.
It's it up.
Yeah.
Like even if I don't feel like I like like if I don't feel like a stinker whatever like yeah like I'll freaking avoid.
And like if I do like there's been some instances where I've had to go like at least for like this show where I've had to go from work to the movies and I usually don't smell the best.
Like I have a emergency can of like spray deodorant and then I choose to sit away from people.
And then if someone gets too close then I'll move.
I'm sorry.
I'm having such an ADD moment right now.
Does this video is this video going online like on YouTube.
All right everyone if you're just listening to this right now I want you to go to YouTube.
I want you to look at Caleb's shirt and I want you to wonder what it looks like Stitch is riding on.
Don't move it.
Just leave it how it was because I was like I looked over and I was like is that dude riding a star spangled penis right now.
What is happening.
I'm sorry.
I was looking at you talking and I just started looking at that and I was like Jesus Christ that looks OK.
That's a stanky dick.
I apologize.
Uncle Sam's dick.
Dude fair enough.
Like even when you get to the like if when you see the point like it doesn't make it much better.
No it doesn't.
Yeah don't be stinky.
Don't be a stinky bitch.
Yeah.
I would say I was going to say something about like not farting in a crowded theater because that's what that rolls in with don't be a stinky bitch.
You know hygiene also like because you know sometimes you go see a movie like I recently saw a film with my wife Heretic after we went to lunch and I had a prodigious amount of Mexican food.
I mean I had a pork tamale.
I had fucking Mexican street tacos.
You know I'm saying like there was something brewing in me during that movie.
You know I'm saying it was like all of these Mexican flavors.
It was very we authentic or two which is rare for New England but it was like you know the fucking the corn and the fucking tortillas and all the fucking you know they put that red sauce all over the tamale and you got that and you got the you know the dairy from the cheese and they're just fucking duking it out.
Everything's in the gut fermenting right.
And so like this is common for people you go eat a ton of P.F. Chang's and then you go into a fucking movie.
You go see a Jet Li movie after eating P.F. Chang's and it's like you know the first 30 minutes you're cool.
But like you know the towards the back half that movie belly starts kind of rumbling and things have kind of moved down.
Things are like fermenting in your colon right now and it's like the bacteria in there is really kind of like stirring shit up and it's like do I want to let this one squeak out and see how it goes like because it's quiet.
The movie's loud. No one's going to hear me fart.
But like if it if it comes out sideways it might smell a little bit.
And hit a friend nostrils.
Am I alone in this like if I know I'm going to see a movie at like noon.
I'm going to not eat anything.
I'm not going to drink anything like I don't want to have to get up for any reason.
Like I don't want anything. I don't want any stomach troubles.
No nothing like I want to be a pro. I was hungry.
This is good.
Let me tell you I kind of want some of that right now.
It's fucking good.
Dude a full blown meal before a movie is that's some risky business.
That is wild behavior is what.
Yeah.
If you make it through the movie like dinner and a movie.
Everybody says you know movie and dinner.
Yeah it's movie and dinner.
What you just said is the equivalent of eating all that weed granola and being like.
I've never heard somebody say movie and dinner.
Everyone says dinner and a movie.
But it rubs off the tongue better that way.
But that's not the order of operations.
What if it's like a 10 o'clock movie.
What if we're going to see a 10 o'clock movie.
So go see an 8 o'clock movie and have dinner at 10.
And then you can talk about the movie you just saw as you're eating.
That's actually kind of wise because you can talk about you could discuss the movie after.
But I still think you got to go eat at 7 730.
You got to see the 10 o'clock movie.
If you have a couple of drinks in you at dinner you can you can like you can eat a little bit of that granola weed.
And then then you go see the movie.
Listen if you're just having drinks like that's one thing.
But if you're having a full blown meal you can't have some of that risky shit.
Talk about tacos tamales cerveza maybe you do a shot or two of tequila and you eat a little bit of that fucking that fucking the weed the weed salsa.
You eat some of the weed salsa.
Got the CHC salsa and then you fucking.
OK.
You're feeling pretty good.
And then you go into the movie and then you shit your pants.
Hold on. I'm going to know Rose that long of a movie and don't shit your pants. You should you should go to Vegas and put it all on red.
There are movies.
Rose has been so silent.
I feel like you're the guy that sneaked the food in.
You're like you have like a whole steak in there where you're like I snuck in.
I snuck in entire plate.
Gerald Sose chicken with fucking wings and a fucking egg roll into Gladiator on opening night Gladiator 2000 and every seat was packed and the dude next to me is like fuck the fuck you.
I open this fucking I open this Irofoam I got like chopsticks and shit.
I'm doing it up.
I got the fucking tea.
I'm pouring the tea into the little fucking thing.
I'm gonna fucking fold out.
I'm like fucking putting my food and the guy like you are a fucking piece of shit.
I'm like I mean fucking general so I fuck you.
What would you have in?
No I mean I'm definitely with Caleb and DJ definitely movie and then dinner but I will fully admit that I might have snuck a cheeseburger into a movie theater once or twice.
Let me ask you this since Rose it's you and I duking it out to be who's the most flagrant at bringing shit in.
Have you ever left a movie to get food and then brought it snuck the movie back in?
No I have not.
I've done that.
I went to see with my good buddy Jimmy RIP.
He is no longer with us but my best friend from high school he and I used to go we would go see movies and we would like we'd make a day of it.
We'd go see a movie we'd pay for the first one and we'd sneak into movies the whole rest of the day.
We'd be in the theater for 12 hours and we'd watch like four or five movies and invariably I would get hungry because you can't like bring a whole cooler in of food.
So I actually snuck out of the movie Signs with Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix.
I snuck out of that movie because there was a subway in the same shopping center as the theater.
So I snuck out of the back I used my coat to prop the emergency exit door open so it wouldn't fully shut but it was like mostly shut.
So nobody knew it was open but it was like it didn't latch.
I like I like rigged the latch and so I snuck out I rigged the latch with my jacket and I was cold I was shivering I went to subway.
I got a fucking footlong Italian with everything on it and then I snuck back in a fucking resume my seat and I fucking started eating this fucking footlong Italian with everything on it fucking whole theater smell like vinegar.
And piss and I fucking.
The sub was better than that movie fuck signs fucking night Shyamalan I said what I said.
How dare you.
No.
Of all the things what was the what was the bad color movie what was that one I hate that's the one I hated.
The bad where they the girl she was kept saying it's the bad color and they thought they were living like in the 1800s but they were really yeah the village that movie was a piece of shit and it was worse than signs but it doesn't mean signs wasn't a piece of shit.
They're both pieces of shit. One was a shittier piece of shit but they're both welcome both disagree hard pass.
I feel like science. But but honestly circa 2004 whenever science came out. I was in the majority everybody agree with me everyone's like that fucking movie suck.
Well, everyone was too high on six cents to be to deal with anything else that he did at the time but that that movie.
Movie gets too much hate signs.
I mean, deserves it.
I feel I feel the one night Shyamalan movie that does deserve all the hate is the last Airbender.
Yeah, I didn't even watch the show. Like I've only seen like half of the first season. You're still freaking down for that.
I fuck off. I haven't seen one minute of an Airbender anything I've never seen one minute legend of Korra nothing.
You're missing out. You're way missing out.
I mean, friends or fans of the original show and just how like betrayed they felt with that movie like yeah I'm not Shyamalan at least for that movie definitely deserves.
I mean, listen, nothing I never saw it. This is one I never saw but knew it was terrible because everyone told me was the Dragon Ball Z movie.
That was one that was every ranch and anonymously said, no thank you forever.
I mean, I don't I feel like they should have walked away from that Dragon Ball Z movie and just realized like not every fucking cartoon.
And may or otherwise needs to be converted into a live action. Sometimes it's just okay to enjoy the animation.
Right. Watch the television series. Watch the movies. Enjoy the anime.
We don't need to cast Chow Yun Fat as Master Roshi and fuck everything up.
I like Chow Yun Fat. This is coming from a guy who watched The Killer in 1993.
I've been a fan of Chow Yun Fat since before I was jacking off in theaters.
And you can quote me.
And you can quote me on that. Tell my daughters in 25 years and over my fucking basket being lowered down and there he goes.
He's got his own prototypes. He jacked off in theaters. What a fucking mutant.
I forgot what the rule was. What was the rule?
Rule number five is don't be a stinky bitch and keep your shoes on.
And then we started talking about sneaking food in because.
Is there anything that there is no rule for? Like it's freaking Mad Max rules when it comes to food. Yeah. Outside food is apocalypse rules.
Like if you can get it in there, you did it. Yeah.
That's a rule that's definitely made to be broken. If you can win that game, all bets are off. Cool. I like that.
I like that. But how do you feel like because I have felt bad in the past because I do.
I have a penchant for Chinese films and I have a penchant for Chinese food. I like to bring Chinese food into Chinese films.
I felt like when I went to see Romeo Must Die in the theaters in 1999, I thought Jet Li is going to appreciate the fact that I'm eating fucking sweet and sour chicken right now.
It's not racist at all. But I brought fucking sweet and sour chicken into a Jet Li movie like not even remotely.
Well, listen, I don't want to skip over you, Rose, but my my next rule is going to be no loud food or at least if you're going to have loud food, you got to wait until the big action moment to be like, let me open up my bag of chips and.
I agree. A tender moment. You're like yummy and down on some Cape Cod's.
I don't think I was really making noise so much with the Chinese food as it was like kind of obtrusive to the people next to me because it was like it was like you was like fresh Chinese food is like fried rice and shit like it would fill the room with the aroma.
And I think sometimes that was a little disruptive to my fellow patrons. I can give a fuck. I mean, it can be. But at the same time, like, screw it.
Well, it depends on the food because I was going to say, like, if some lady came and sat next to me and had like some really overpowering perfume, that would be probably.
So I would say like overpowering smells that are like, you know, offensive. But I'm like, I'm super sensitive to perfume and stuff like that.
Like, I hate I can't walk down like the the laundry detergent aisle because it makes my fricking head hurt. So I don't know. I don't know how I would feel if someone had like some pungent food next to me, because on one hand, I'm glad you got your full meal of whatever it is that you got in there.
On the other hand, if I'm dying because it smells like it's too smelly, I don't know.
Oh, I didn't even think about that. No, because you could have like if someone if someone's fricking having like a tuna sandwich in the middle of a theater.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, like that. That would be no bueno tuna sandwich with some potato salad. Yeah, that's that's a little too much for me.
They have it in their little heat heat bag. They open it up like, oh, it's still hot. Like, just bring hot fish in here. What are you doing?
And they're going to bring in cans of soda and they're going to crack those open at the most silent moment. Yes, I used to do that. Let me raise my hand. Okay, before they started selling beer in every theater.
Now every theater just sells beer because that's just good money. They just they make money off it because they also realize that assholes like me would sneak it in.
So before theaters, this was like early 2000s. I was like old enough to buy beer, but like movie theaters weren't all doing it yet. It was very few movie theaters that sold beer.
What I would do is I would actually sneak in. I would I would do the door property thing again and I would run out to my car and I had a like one of those soft coolers in my car and it was just enough for a six pack.
And I would I would bring that in and I remember doing that in the movie Thor one time the first Thor movie.
And so I'm sitting there and I'm like the movie's packed. I got my brother on one side, but then I got like strange dude on the on the side next to me.
And I'm like, I'm like, well, I probably you know, it's gonna make a sound. I brought bottles for some fucking reason. I brought a six pack of bottles like not even cans.
So I was like, dude, it's gonna make sound when I'm like a when I'm opening it and then be when I'm like, it's gonna clink and shit like that. And they weren't selling beer at this theater at the time.
So I was like, dude, I just need to clear it with this dude next to me. So I like lean in and the movie's already going and shit.
Thor's fucking jerking off whatever. And I'm like, yo, I'm about to crack a beer. You gonna be cool or you gonna are you gonna narc on me?
And he's like, bro, I'm gonna fuck drink your beers. And I was like, I good on you, man. And I fucking I waited till the quietest moment. I just sit there.
Hold my beer. I wanted everybody in that theater to know I was breaking the fucking rules. I wanted them to hear that.
That was back in the day. Like you didn't there were no 20 ounce bottles. Everything was in a cup with a straw when they heard that everybody knew I dropped the bottle cap.
I let the bottle cap hit the floor. It was like ding, ding, ding, ding. And I turned that beer up and I bet everybody behind me could see me with that fucking bottle.
I was like, that's what I'm doing in the middle of Thor at fucking one forty five on a Sunday afternoon. You cocksuckers.
Holy shit. I got good memories.
If you get approval from one person that's not part of your group that you go to the theater with or just somewhat like an outside person, like it's kind of free game.
That's what I'm saying. Like the vibe was right when he was like, dude, do your thing, man. I, you know, I ain't going to judge.
It was like, all right, cool. That goes for the rest of you. Cocksuckers open the.
Yes, for all of you guys, he consented for this whole theater.
All right, Rose, what's your what's your next rule?
Mine is so I feel I'm going to condescend myself a little bit with this one because my next one is show up on time.
Like, please, like, I feel that we all know that it's usually about 10 to 15 minutes of credits.
Like the movie says that it starts at two o'clock, but the real movie doesn't start to like two fifteen to twenty.
That's usually how it goes.
So I feel that that's plenty of time, even if you're running late and you know that it starts at two, you still have those 20 minutes to actually get in your seat and be ready for this movie to start.
I hate it when the movies already started started were like 10, 15 minutes in and people are like turning on their flashlights, fricking trying to find their seat.
It fricking distracts you. It takes you out of the movie. It's really annoying.
I'm going to condescend myself, though, with that, because a couple of months ago, they did a re-release of Coraline in theaters and Fathom Events did that.
And they did not I feel they did not do a good word or good job about getting out the fact that there were no trailers before the movie.
And so when the showing said to if it said two o'clock, the movie started at two o'clock.
And so like I because I saw it, I think twice when they re-released it in theaters.
And so like 10 or 15 minutes in, like you still had people coming in trying to find their seats.
And I feel like, like I'm going to condescend myself because that's I can give them a pass for that because Fathom Events didn't give didn't get
didn't do a good job of getting the word out. Hey, there's there's no trailers before Coraline for upcoming movies. Literally, we're going to show just a quick sneak peek of like his next movie.
And then, bam, here's your 15th anniversary showing of Coraline.
But looking past that, yeah, I fricking hate it when someone shows like shows up, like literally basically like what like 30 what 30 minutes of the movie should have been already.
And they're shining their flashlights, trying to find their seats.
Frickin annoying. That's the situation. You need to be embarrassed when you walk in. Yeah.
Well, I feel like just as egregious are like it again, it doesn't like Jason, you kind of alluded to it with like, you know, prop and a door open.
But like I haven't seen it as much recently is the kids that come in and they're clearly trying to like sneak into a movie.
Now, if you're trying to sneak in and you just like slink in and you get to the first open seat and you sit there and you don't do anything.
Cool. We're good. I don't have any problem with you. As soon as you're like cutting up and like, oh my God, we got it here.
Like going to jump off the top of this seat and I'm going to put my elbow on the top of your head.
It is so funny. Bring that up. I don't know if you listen to I think it was the last episode or the one before I talked about seeing Terrifier 3. I have the exact same scenario to two young girls snuck in.
They were like two rows behind me would not shut up for I think they were in there for like 20 minutes and they weren't even talking about the movie.
They were talking about like what was going on in their life talking about like, oh my God, I can't believe we snuck in all the all the shit.
Thankfully, they were only there for the theater. I jerked this guy off all over the. Oh my God.
He was such a fucking weirdo. I just told him the popcorn bucket, but he still wanted to eat it.
But yeah, I'm glad that like they were only in there for like 20 minutes.
But like, yeah, I absolutely agree with that. It's frustrating. Yeah.
Don't show up late. Don't show up. Well, I mean, again, your your fathom events thing like, yeah, I feel like that's how could you possibly know you just assume there's going to be trailers before every movie.
Yeah, like they had it like hosted by the concessions like the like not the concessions like the ticket booth.
But like if you like pulled up the show Showtimes on like Cinemarks app because that's where I see all my movies.
There was nothing indicating. Oh, hey, there's no trailers before Coraline.
So this says it starts at two o'clock. It starts at two o'clock. Yeah. Yeah, it's just bad planning. Yeah, I agree.
They really should notify you of that because it's like a half hour. It's like a solid half hour.
It's inconvenient sometimes, too, because I'm paying a fucking babysitter.
I don't know, Caleb, I don't know if you got any cheap babysitters, but I fucking paid a babysitter to go see heretic.
I paid that babysitter twenty five dollars an hour. Yeah, I'm scared during those trailers like these trailers cost me fucking seventeen dollars.
Yeah, luckily, we got some family that can watch the kids.
But my wife's family is right right nearby. They'll watch one kid.
But putting them put both on my my wife's parents, they're they're in their seventies now.
You know what I mean? Can't be chasing after these children.
We have a friend from from church that we kind of swap watching kids every once in a while.
Yeah, so she she has five kids in total, but we end up we usually end up watching like their youngest two.
And so, yeah, like when we've tried to go out for like dates and stuff, we usually pawn off our our two.
Yeah, that's easy.
That's easy. They're all like around the same age or at least my daughter and the youngest two around the same age.
They're all within like a year and a half of each other. Yeah, that's good.
Yeah. And then obviously the baby's super chill. He just wants to be included.
Yeah, he's so chill. He's just happy to be there.
Like if it's funny, like watching him like in the like play in the living room, like if if his sissy comes hauling ass through the hallway, goes to her room.
He's trotting along, following her to her room.
Is he walking pretty good at nine months? He's not walking yet, but he's he's pretty close.
Like he's standing pretty good for like a couple of seconds and then dropping on his ass.
But then falls pops on his butt. Yeah, he's getting there. He's getting there. I love it. That's so fucking cute. I love it.
All right. Rule number six. I play on time means before the trailers are done, but show up on time.
Perfect. All right, DJ. Rule seven. All right. Well, this is going to feel really specific to two people here.
But if the movie is PG 13 or greater, don't bring your kid at all.
Like if it's Pete, if it's G or PG, cool. I'm good with it all day long. Anything after that, if I hear a kid be like, Mom, what's he doing?
Like, nah, man, like you gotta I gotta we get to kick your kid or something like you gotta get punished for doing this.
That's a good point. I mean, I think that's a very valid point.
It's like bring kids to the appropriate films because kids are going to naturally be more noisy.
I mean, they're not going to sit quietly like an adult is capable of doing, especially when we're talking about younger, like four or five years old.
They're just not capable of sitting quietly for that period of time.
And their attention span is weak. And I agree, man. You shouldn't be taking your kids.
I mean, now, as a parent myself, I'm definitely like, don't take your kids to the wrong movie because, A, you know, that movie might not be appropriate.
Maybe somebody's jacking off in that theater and you just got to be very careful about like what kind of movies you take your kids to.
You know, you need to know, like you need to know who the target audience for a movie is.
Yeah. And plan accordingly.
Like if you're going to a kid's movie, like as an adult and you're pissed off and kids are being loud or disruptive, you don't get to do that.
Absolutely not reasonable. But on the other hand, if you go to watch, you know, a history of violence and there's someone with their, you know, year and a half kid, they're like, I don't understand.
I'm crying. Hey, man. You're in the wrong place.
I'm kidding. Pulp Fiction. He's like, why is he stabbing that lady with a giant needle?
Gary, dude, I had, I think, I think, I forget who I went to go see this movie with.
I think it was the, I think it was the Spider-Man movie. It was like, it was one that I watched here, like since I moved to Georgia.
But I was with my, my brother-in-law and we went to go see this movie and someone, it was like a Marvel movie. I forget which one, but someone came in with their newborn and sat in like one of the first like three rows.
And I'm like, are you actually shitting me? These movies are loud.
Was that Spider-Man No Way Home? It might have been No Way Home.
Yeah, I swear I saw that with you and Bril, didn't I? When you guys were out here?
Yeah, but that was my second time watching it. Oh, that was your second? Okay, my bad.
We were like in the front row, like, right? Because that's like all that we could get. Yeah. Yeah. But, no, no, no, we were, we were at this.
Oh, no.
I don't know where we were at, but all I know is we had to like have our heads up, looking my hell up to see the screen. Yeah.
But I watched my first time. We didn't have to see a movie when she was pregnant with our second daughter. I think it was like Tenet. I think it was Tenet, the Christopher Nolan film. Yeah. Yeah.
And it was loud as fuck. I was like worried for the baby. I was like, holy shit, is this too loud? Like, I know he's inside you or she's inside you. So she got like extra padding and extra earmuffs. But I was like, this feels like it's too loud to be pregnant during this film.
You guys are going to be playing Tenet when she's older. She's going to have a sudden flashback to being inside.
PTSD should be like the couch and shit like that.
Dad, which way is time moving? Am I getting older or younger? I don't understand. Yeah.
So how would age appropriate audiences or audience? Leave your fucking kids at home. Yeah. Leave your kids at home.
I don't know. Not a kids movie. No kids. I don't know something. Even though like I saw Halloween when I was like six years old, a five or six year old should not be seeing Michael Myers stab.
Now, that's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying that you don't need to bring a kid to like an age appropriate. I'm talking about, you know, if your kid is like Jason was saying, one of those shithead kids that's like, I am going to be cool for 30 minutes and 30 minutes only.
And then everything after that is going to be your worst nightmare. I'm going to be on my time, bitch.
Yeah. So you know what I mean? Like, because there are you see like every once in a while, you'll see the family of like, you know, a two year old up to a 13 year old to go see a PG 13 movie or whatever.
But they're all cool. That is not who I'm talking about. I'm talking about the people who let their kids frickin run rough shot. And they're like, just be quiet, sweetie. Like, get the fuck. No. Get out of here.
I swear it was either in Halloween 2018 or Halloween kills that someone did bring a newborn baby into that and they cried multiple times throughout the movie. Oh, my hell. Absolutely not.
Like, I don't walk around with Halloween. So that like I don't I still feel myself getting like anxious when my kids running around a theater for a movie that's meant for her.
Yeah, like I couldn't even imagine doing that for a movie that's in a theater that's full of people like are you know, absolutely the hell not. Like, I specifically plan movies like kids movies that I take my daughter to.
I specifically plan around like trying to find the most out of the the out of the way time to go see the movie. So just to make sure that as like as few people are there as your kids nap.
Yeah, I mean, the daughter doesn't really anymore. Yeah, the nine month old obviously have a nap several times a day at nine months what happened at least twice a day right in addition to sleeping overnight. Yeah, yeah, that added that age is, you know, very developmentally appropriate for the kid to take multiple naps.
My daughters were that age. I mean, we they'd fall asleep at like 9am and then again it so it's like even there's a certain age where it's like not even practical to take them to see a film because it's like if the kid wakes up at fucking 6am.
Well, movies don't start showing to like 10 o'clock at the earliest like sometimes during the summertime. They'll show like the land before time for like a dollar at 10am on Tuesday or some shit. So like the fucking housewives it's about the quail loot herself and then blow her fucking brains out is like can take her fucking kids for like Oh shut the fuck up for a few minutes and watch the fucking land before time.
But you know like so you got to like plan it with naps and shit anyway but I can't take her to 10 o'clock because I got to give her a nap at noon. You know what I mean like there's too much bullshit like they got to hit that age anyway where it's like all right we don't got to worry about naps.
You know like we can actually go see a movie at 11 but I'm with you like you know like I try to go see Garfield like we're going to we took them to go see Garfield. We're going to take them to see Moana to I don't know if you're excited about that but I'm going to tell you right now if Tamatella is not in fucking Moana to I'm going to fucking
burn that the other god damn.
I'll just go up and sing a god damn David Bowie song. I fucking I want my money back and I will fucking shank every fucking Disney employee I live my fucking eyes on if Tam, Tamitoa better show up. I don't want a psychedelic ass David Bowie song for Tamatoa.
All right. Anyway, you got to take him at like 11am so like if they're fucking making noise whatever it's a theater full of parents. They all got their kids. You know what I mean like if you really want to go see.
Honestly, if you want to see Gar the Garfield cartoon which was a piece of shit as well. If you want to see that as an adult and you don't have kids with you fuck you you're a pedophile get the fuck out of here.
Which happens for children in this fucking theater get the fuck out of here. Watch it when it goes streaming on Netflix at home okay. Take your fucking free candy van and get the fuck out of here.
Okay, can I can I just say in my defense. I have to go see. Yeah. All right reviewers.
Reviewers reviewers not with that. What's weird. What's weird. My friends don't want to go see a kids movie.
I would I would like pay a hooker to come with me and be like we're not going to fuck. You don't even have to jerk me off during this movie but you can if you want to. I just need somebody to watch it with.
Like what is weirder going and seeing that movie by yourself at 11am or at 10pm.
Excellent question. I don't know man.
Mario Bros movie at 10pm.
That's different. Okay. Okay. That's that's a fun for all ages movie. Yeah.
Yeah, and I think you know Christopher Pratt being the main character voice notwithstanding Super Mario Brothers I think was just good like all around entertainment and Garfield was like you have to be a kid to enjoy this piece of shit because if you're fucking if you're.
Yeah. I mean if you're smarter than plunging for a cause then you got a fucking.
You know you're not going to enjoy this you know.
But all Caleb what no I think Caleb has paid me back for it. Freaking when we did Paw Patrol.
The mighty was it called Paw Patrol to. Yeah. Yeah.
He wanted to review that movie.
I can't remember if like you wanted to have Iris on or not.
I mean there's a lot of listeners on that episode I bet right like that one blew the door. I don't know what I don't know if we did but frickin so when I went to go see that I made sure that I did a showing when all kids would be in school, like, literally no one else would be in the theater
that's what I was hoping for. I was checking that show time periodically throughout the day just to make sure that nobody else was in that theater.
I was freaking like the showing had already started the trailers are going I'm like OK so there's nobody else besides me in the theater. This is great. Literally like 30 seconds after I thought that to myself a father and his two sons walk in.
I'm just like you got to be fucking like quickly dipping up and like buckle buckle again.
I'm sorry I was I was pounding off but I thought I would go home so in my defense, not any kids in the room with me when I was masturbating, but I put it away as soon as you guys walked in.
Don't worry.
But also just in case don't sit in front of me.
Yeah, you got to know. You got to know who you're bringing to these movies.
Like Moana too. Absolutely bringing my kid to that. Like I expect no no issues. The one that I'm a little hesitant on and I'm training her for it. Like I'm making her watch movies that are a little like above her demographic.
Yeah, but she is her favorite movies right now are Sonic and so I want to take her to Sonic 3 when that comes out.
But I'm also making sure that she's ready for it when it does come out because if she's not then I'm not going to take her but I feel like you know what I'm sort of iffy on this because like I do not think my kids get as excited about going to see a film in the theaters as I do.
And I also think when I was I mean I don't have very clear memories of being four or five but I don't remember getting super excited about going to the theater to see a film like I might see a commercial for a movie I don't like the fucking Care Bears movie or some shit in 1984 and been like, yeah, that's fucking I want to see that movie but like my mom could lie and be like all right it's coming out in a while and then just get the fucking VHS whenever I feel like I could do that to my kids what I'm saying like after taking them to Garfield and spending $57 to go see Garfield.
It's like what this is this is supposed to be cheap entertainment.
It's not supposed to be a fucking day at Disneyland for these fucking for a fucking movie piece of shit.
I was in that movie and he didn't say one goddamn F word. I paid not say the F word for two fucking hours. I can't believe I did that. But anyway, I feel like I could have just it's on Netflix right now. In fact, they've watched it once since it's been on Netflix. I could mean they were like, yeah, okay, cool.
I mean, I think the Garfield movie looks cool but like they don't see a lot of commercials anyway. They don't know what's coming out unless I tell them hey Moana 2 is coming out this Thanksgiving. I could just say yeah Moana 2 is coming out next March and just fucking buy the DVD.
A lot of stuff has changed especially since we were kids is because you know we're looking at our little like you know 15 inch CRT TVs that are just nonsense and then you go to like listen you don't know your your daughters might be like and I remember the first movie that dad and mom ever took us to it was Garfield and it has a special play because like I remember like my dad the first movie I ever got to see like just me and my dad he took me to go see was American American.
Was it an American tale the the five God yeah yeah and like dude I like I love that movie forever now because like I remember being like I remember our little stupid TV and like I remember going into the theater and seeing this gigantic thing I couldn't even understand.
And I'm like wait we can't see this anywhere but here so like I do think there is like there is love lost for the theater in that sense when you have like same day releases and you have you know what I mean like you can watch on HBO Max you have a 73 inch TV like it's not the something is taken away but I don't know I still think even though it is expensive I do think there is something good about going and seeing it in theaters.
I think it's a very valid point when the you know when we were young and it's twofold because a the home technology was not as great VHS was very low resolutions very poor quality image the television was very small like you said you know interlaced images and very like 480 I and shit like that like very poor home viewing so when you go to the theater and it's like superior quality it's huge the sound is big and loud it is a very impressive but I would say that the twofold part is
also because it was like 1989 it was like three dollars for a fucking matinee ticket so like your dad could take you for six dollars both you could see the fucking movie you know it's like I feel like there's a little love lost for the theaters and that has translated into them being like well we need to charge 17 dollars for a fucking matinee now because we still owe a billion dollars for all these like reclining seats across the country and you know IMAX isn't doing too good with
movies we got to recoup a little duh it's not like it used to be where movies were cheap entertain movies used to be like going to the theater was supposed to be a cheaper alternative to like taking your family to the fucking opera or whatever else the highfalutin high society shit this was like poor people go see movies because we're poor and dumb.
Yeah.
My daughter gets really excited for movies so I'll show her trailers and then she's like oh like when are we going to go see that and she gets like super pumped like that too.
I try to hype her up a little bit but it's to my it's to my detriment I hype her up I spend $57 to take us all to go see the goddamn movie the kids pay attention for the first half and the back half they just want to fucking play with their own buttholes and run around and I'm like what the fuck are we even doing here.
I've had to change your diaper for fucking times. How do you shit four times in fucking 80 minutes.
She loves the movies so much like I started a little scrapbook of like I kept I've kept all the tickets for every movie that we've gone to see together. And so I'm putting it all together and like a little scrapbook for her.
And I'll make one for my son eventually but she like she loves going to the movies because she knows she gets like the little kids pack. She gets her own drink her own popcorn she gets a little candy.
And then the only time that she. Yeah. And so this is like the also the only time that will we get her like an icy. So, like, she knows like when we go to the movies she gets her icy she gets her kids pack and she gets to go see this like super cool movie.
Yeah. And then I like depending on what the movie is like afterwards I let her like run up to the front and like dance around. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. And so she like she always gets super hyped about that.
But it's yeah it's a no no you're no you're kid. Yeah. And take them to the right movie you know. Yeah. Our field is cool. Pulp fiction is not. Yeah. Yeah. This is why I'm training her.
It's why I'm training her for for a movie that's like I said outside her demographic with Sonic 3 because my brother's going to be in town and like that movie will be coming out and she loves Sonic the Hedgehog.
And so she like I'm preparing her for for this caliber of movie or yeah training her like Rocky. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So we got rule number seven leave your kids at home unless it's a kid's movie.
All right, Jason what we got for rule number eight. All right. For this one.
I say no refunds no refunds just because you didn't like the movie doesn't mean you get your money back. You know what I mean. That's fair. Don't you know what it like don't don't be like hey I didn't know this movie is going to have tits and I need my money back because I'm like you know no refunds.
You fucking you bought the ticket you rolled the dice. You didn't like the movie. You know especially if you watch the whole fucking thing. No refunds. Get the fuck out of here.
That's what I was going to say like is do you put a time limit on it like in the first 20 minutes if you're like this is bullshit.
Can you can you at least go and like you know redeem your your free movie for next time or do you just have to take that L. I think I don't you know I kind of feel like you should take the L if you're just saying this movie is not for me because like there's so many resources now to educate
yourself on a film like who's it made by who's going to be in it what that filmmakers are the films are going to be like you know if you're going to see Quentin Tarantino film now there's like eight other Quentin Tarantino films that you like could potentially have seen.
There's no reason for you to get 20 minutes in and be like there's too much cussing in this movie. Did that white guy just say the n word. I don't like this.
You know what I mean like he directed the movie. Oh this is coming from me I almost asked for my money back and left Django if I hadn't been so pale and worried that they would see me.
I did go to why you're leaving man. What the fuck is wrong with you bro. I'm like no my dad is calling oh shit.
What about what if what if there is one of those dreaded emergencies. Caleb checks his phone as he is want to do and it's like get home now.
Then he asked for a refund or I think in case I think in case of emergency. I think if something comes up like you buy your tickets online and then something comes up and you don't get to the theater.
They they should comp you at least and give you free tickets for the next one even if they don't give you your cash back. I think it's just in the in the instance of people watch a movie and then they're like I didn't get the experience that I wanted when I bought these tickets.
It's all about buying the thing consuming it and then regretting it and having that like buyer's remorse about it. You have to live with your buyer's remorse but you know life happens there's extenuating circumstances and you know you buy tickets a week in advance and then your kid gets sick and then you get sick and it's like you know rain checks are OK.
But it's really it's when you watch a movie like I don't like that. Quentin Tarantino fellow after all and I don't like his films and but I had to watch the whole thing first before I decided that I watched the whole hateful eight before I decided that I didn't like Samuel Jackson making that boy suck his dick at gunpoint.
I mean it's like sorry buddy like it's a Tarantino film. This is the type of thing that happens in a Tarantino film. So so mine is no refunds motherfucker. I don't care if that I don't care if that young man did ejaculate on the back of your seat completely ruined your experience.
I think you get I think you get at least 25 minutes to decide whether or not to stay for the movie.
I lose respect for somebody who gets up and walks out of a movie. I'm like you know you stick with it because honestly I think a lot of films.
I think you have to sit through the whole thing because a lot of movies. It's like how they come together at the end. A lot of movies will set stuff up and they'll spend a lot of time kind of putting things together getting the whole the pieces in order and then the movie will kind of come together
and it's closing a few minutes the way things all of these elements kind of dovetailed together create this like satisfying where it's like if you only saw the first hour you might think like it's not that great.
But then when you're leaving the theater like fuck that was the dark night that shit was good as fuck. Like it's like the way it ends to can be so I feel like you if you told me like I watched the first 15 minutes and decided I didn't like it.
I'd be like what the fuck do you mean you didn't even get to see the resolution. You didn't watch the end of the second act or the third act to see like how this fucking movie resolves the conflict like you can't tell me you don't like a movie if you've only seen the fucking opening credits.
I think the reason I would want that like there to be like a limit like obviously like if you go there watch like 99% of the movie and then you're just like that was dumb. I want my money back. That's bullshit.
That's the only way I'm saying that if you see over 50% of the movie like and you try to get your money back. I think that's bullshit. I think I would rather someone come in.
I see it like that. They don't enjoy the movie like in the first 20 minutes or whatever get up and leave then have them like feel obligated to say and then bitch about the movie for the rest of yeah they got to sit. I pull out their phone because they're bored. Yeah. I say put your phone down. You better enjoy the rest of you got you got fucking five and a half hours of the Irishman left motherfucker.
Okay, you piece of shit. I don't care if you do have to poop because you ate a pound of Mexican food before you fucking came in. I don't care how much fucking refried beans you got going to war in your guts with the fucking pork tamales and the caranitas. You better fucking sit right there and watch the other eight and a half hours of fucking the Irishman.
So building off of that because when I forget how old I was but has anyone seen dead silence movie about the puppets puppets that come to life. Okay. I think I'd make me watch that once.
No, no, that's that's child's play. No, so when dead silence came out I like and I think I was like eight I think eight or nine. I'm like I convinced my dad to take me to it's seen theaters, but I couldn't last like 10 minutes into this movie like one.
There's a time at the beginning where the puppet comes to life, and he rips this one girl's tongue out like you see her without a tongue that that image just fucked me up.
In your defense there's a lot of movies that I don't make it 10 minutes during.
Okay, first one.
I'm shocked that I couldn't handle that because you know like frickin I saw like Halloween child's play Friday the 13th night around Elm Street like okay, not those last two movies but like I'd seen those characters in like Freddie versus Jason.
I've seen, I had seen like some like fucked up horror movies up until this point but like dead silence was my breaking point I just couldn't handle this movie. And so like, I think 10 or 15 minutes in.
And so thankfully like the theater like employees you know completely understood. They gave us a refund and actually gave me a free TMNT poster which was frickin awesome movie was coming that was coming out I think the next week.
So Jason like leading into like that like save like you think that someone is like, ready for a movie even though like clearly it's a rated R movie I shouldn't have been there. But you know my my parents definitely didn't.
That's the parenting lesson for the day. I think as a parent I'm always learning like I fucked up like every pretty much every day I'm kicking myself over something as a parent I'm like dude, I shouldn't have done that but I'm still learning this the first time I've ever had a five year old before.
And, you know, I'm still new at this and I suck. And I feel like you know what you got to take your lick sometimes you got to walk away from things and sometimes you're a few bucks lighter and you're just like you know what the kid couldn't take the R rated movie but note to self I'm gonna give them another year two years and maybe I'll go peep the movie first
that's what my dad used to do when I was real little and I wanted to go see some R rated shit I want to go see like Freddy's dead the final nightmare whatever it was like well look like you know in theory I want to take you to this movie but like I'm also going to go peep it first to make sure there's not some you know really gnarly shit or like a lot of fucking Bush or something like that so
I love that. So like people first and I'm just saying like, you know, buyer beware and if you think you might not like the movie like wait till it hits streaming I mean, we've got a lot of options there's the internet out there so you can look at reviews, you can compare it to other films that you have seen I think
there's a lot of ways to especially nowadays especially with all the resources we have today, and you can look into a movie you can you can read about it and kind of research it no spoilers of course but like figure out is this something I'm going to dig or not and I think you can usually get into a film.
Extenuating circumstances, obviously happen you can get a refund for that shit but like it's watching a movie and then like being like I want my money back it's like, no motherfucker you just watched the fucking movie like I'm sorry you didn't love it, but you just did the thing you had your eyes open
and you're like, I'm sorry I just watched the fucking movie can't come in here and drink my beer and then tell me that you don't want to pay me for my beer because you didn't like the way it tastes, motherfucker.
I think is going to be the best dish and take a bite of it and be like, no, I was incorrect, point. If you took a bite, and you're like there's a problem with this steak. You could easily like get that problem rectified you like hey man you know like
whatever happened like this is underdone or overdone or whatever I don't you know, but you stop them, but if you eat the whole fucking steak and then the guy comes over like yo man that steak was you're gonna have to take my word for it because it's, it's gone, but that steak
egg was mad underdone. It was fucking disgusting. I found a
pubic hair on it. And it's just like, you just want your foot.
You just want a free steak is basically what you're saying.
Like, you're at roost Chris, you don't pay $95 for that ribeye.
So, um, you know, that's all I'm saying is like, raise your hand
early and be like, Hey, man, there's something wrong with
this Caesar salad. Like this definitely looks like the chef
ejaculated on this salad. It definitely looks like someone
came on this fucking thing. So
but would you trust the new one if they brought it out to your
table?
Definitely not.
Listen, if you're respectful about it, if you're respectful
about it, like, yeah, but if you're gonna be an asshole,
someone who worked in a kitchen, you can't always rely on your
own because just, you know, just so you know, everyone out there
listening, I need you to understand this. Just because
you are not a shithead to your server doesn't mean your server
hasn't been a shithead to the cooks. So you should always be
very weary. Someone who is a short order cook for a long
time. Let me tell you, there was no fault of those customers.
But I ruined a lot of people's meals.
Fucking bring that plate out. You guys like I don't. I saw
chowder on your menu. What the fuck is this? This is fucking
is this a bisque? What the fuck is this all over my food?
So yeah, my my listen, then my helpful tip of the day is if
you're going to return your food, just you're done eating.
Don't don't get any new food. Just
Yeah. All right. Rule number eight. I put got no refunds.
Movies are a gamble. Sometimes you lose.
Yeah, sometimes you got to roll the dice sometimes. And that's
life. I like blind buying DVDs, too. I'll go out and buy some
shit I've never seen for $25. And I'll fucking pop in and I'm
like, I know I'm rolling dice. I know I'm taking the chance. At
least I can resell it on eBay if I really hate it. You know what
I mean? Like I can recoup some of my expense. But yeah, I like
I like taking a risk like that movie heretic. My wife was like,
let's go see heretic. I was like, I know nothing about this
movie. And I'm not gonna look anything up. I'm not going to
read any reviews, nothing. I'm just gonna go in blind and maybe
I'll hate it. But you know what, if I hated that movie, and I
didn't hate it. But if I hated that movie, I would not have
said shit. I would have just said it's my fault. It's my fault
for being a dumbass. And I took a chance and I lost this one.
Well, I think it changes the older you get. Because when
you're young, and your cash is not dispensable, and you're not
you don't have the you don't have the options like you and I
did to just pay for one ticket and watch movies the entire day.
If you're like, I just want to take my girlfriend to see this
movie. And this is the last you know, $45 I have and the movie
is shit. In the first 10 minutes. You're like, Ah, can I
recoup this somehow, please? Whereas like, now if you're more
established, you're like, I frickin gambled and lost. It's
fine. Yeah. Yeah, that could be it too. That could be it too. I
just want other people to feel my pain.
It's an easier L to take when you're when you have money.
All right. My number nine is just be nice to the employees.
Like they don't get paid enough to deal with your bullshit. How
do you feel like trash and shit like that? Like, you clean up
afterward, like that goes in with being nice to the employees,
right? It's like try to be conscientious. Don't create too
much of a mess for them to clean up. Yeah, exactly. So I always
see like a whole like the floor is just covered in popcorn.
That pisses me off. Like, that's the thing about bringing your
assholes. I was gonna say, don't bring your kids. This is where
some of these rules start dovetailing together. Because I
was what my first rule was like, keep your bodily fluids inside
you. Because that guy always used to have to get the mop
after I left the theater instead of the broom. And you know,
you're talking about be nice to so like we're all you know,
don't let your kids run amok. But a lot of this is like,
eventually all of this creates a mess for the guy to come in and
clean up or the girl to clean up. So
yeah, I'll fully admit like one of the first, I want to say that
like the second or third movie that I took my daughter to, she
knocked over our popcorn bag and spilled it and I did the best
job I could to scoop up what I could and put it back in the
bag. Like, obviously, after we were after the movie was over,
and we finished our popcorn. Yeah. But I would have left as I
could. I would like kicked it all in front of me, you know,
like use my foot to push it all in front of me during the movie.
And then I would have left and as I you know how they stand
there like waiting for you to leave and they got the broom or
whatever. I'm like, man, those fucking assholes in front of
us. Can you believe all the popcorn? Yeah, gosh, I think I
would like start like fucking making up like yeah, it was this
fucking family weird. Yeah, I think the fucking parent was
like beating the children to like it was very, wow, it was a
really criminal family. It was terrible. Yeah, like I
apologize to the dude like while I was leaving, I was just like,
hey, sorry. And he's just like, yeah, it happens like you. Like
I did. I feel like I did my due diligence. I attempted to clean
it up, obviously couldn't get the rest of it because a lot of
it went like behind the seats. And obviously, like some of the
smaller pieces, I had a four year old, or three year old
running around and like I needed to get her under control. Like,
the circumstances were there where I wasn't able to fully
clean it up. That is your fingers. Anyway, you can't get
all that you got to let the guy with the broom get the little
bits. Yeah. So I mean, there's definitely situations like that.
But that's I feel like that's still like kind of trying to be
like courteous to the work like trying not to make their job
harder than it needs to be. Yeah, I think that's just good
advice for life. You know, like try not to try not to fuck with
other people, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like,
fuck with other people, you know. Yeah. And I mean, and
these people working at the theater, they're, they're
children. Like, they do not get paid enough to deal with your
bullshit. Like, they do not care. Like I, there are two
movies that I took my daughter to that I do not have the
tickets for. And it's because like, I, I ordered the tickets
and everything. And I was just like, Hey, two tickets for this.
And he's like, All right, cool. Yeah, theater six down, down the
hall to your right. And I was like, like, Oh, do you print
off the tickets? And he's like, Oh, do you want me to do that?
And I'm like, you know what, nevermind. Just, I just walked
off. And I was like, Okay, like, I know I put up this thing, but
there's like a line. I'm writing this off on my taxes. So yeah,
can you please print that for me? I'm a professional reviewer,
you motherfucker. I'm getting reimbursed for this. The fucking
Washington Post is reimbursed. I'm gonna mention you in that
goddamn article because you were insolent. How dare you? Did you
just make eye contact with me? Just get all this, like, get up
in his ass, man. Be a diva.
Like they, they got like other things to deal with and like
whatever issue, like obviously like bigger issues, like, yeah,
take it to them and they'll run it up the chain, however, but
yet, like, be nice to them. Like, if you're gonna be mean to
anyone that works there, be mean to like the managers or the
owner. Like those people are, yeah, like those people are kind
of free game, like, but like the people that chose to make that
a career.
I don't think that was a choice. You know, like you get out of
jail for after a while, like the resume is kind of thin, you
know.
Yeah, the resort, that's, you've resorted to that. Yeah, but
that's, that's, that's my rule. My next rule is just be nice to
the employees. Yeah. All right. What about you, Rose? You got
any others?
Yeah. So with, I feel every movie theater now is assigned
seating. It's very rare that it's open seating. So I would
say please sit where you are assigned to. Because especially
with like big movies, like, say like Avengers Endgame, I'm sure
me and Caleb would have been pissed off if our seats were
taken by someone else, considering we bought those like
the night that they went on sale, which was like two months
in advance. And so, you know, some people will like throw a
fit, be like, Oh, well, your our seats were just like, they were
up there, like down there, they were just way too close. And
you know, we got here first. And I'm just thinking like, I don't
care. Like, it's assigned seating. I bought these tickets
two months ago. I was ready to buy my tickets when they went
on sale. I was I'm hyped for this movie. That's my seat. Get
the hell out.
I wouldn't take any of that shit. I'd be like, you, you're,
you don't like your seats? Well, you chose them motherfucker.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't be fucking sitting in the wrong
seats. I mean, like, look, if you want to fucking I don't know
what I'm not gonna check anyone else's tickets. So like sit
where you sit. But like, if I walk up and you're in my seat,
I'm really yo, this is my seat. If you don't mind, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna sit down now. So
oh, sorry.
Good. No, no, no, no, go ahead.
I saw I think yesterday a tick tock video of a guy who used to
work in a movie theater, responding to this girl's video
where she I forget what movie she went to go see, but she like
literally picked like the perfect middle seat. And there
was this older lady that was sitting in her seat. And she
asked her very kindly, like, Hey, you know, that's my seat.
And she's like, Oh, well, I didn't want to sit where I
chose. So I'm just gonna sit here. And so she's like, okay.
And so she went and told the hell you're not. Yeah.
The employees, the one of the employees came in, and tried to
get her to move. And she's like, No, I'm not moving. And she even
asked the employee like, Oh, can you actually go refill my
drink? I'm like, what the fuck? No, I guess if you're gonna not
be if you if you really don't want to move, like just double
down on the entitlement, like, I'm not moving and be, can you go
fucking refill the small popcorn? I'm not paying for you
know, and then forget it, they try to get the manager involved,
but I guess the manager just didn't want to deal with it. And
so they ended up just giving her I think a free voucher for
pop board and then they reimburse the ticket. So she had
to sit somewhere else, but she got free popcorn in her ticket
reimburse. But honestly, that's balls on that lady. Because like
honestly, I would I would bear that grudge. I would like follow
her out to her car. Is that seat really worth getting your
fucking car? I got a fucking nail gun in my trunk for just
such an occasion. I will pop up. You really want to replace these
fucking tires? I would really worth it. Depends. Honestly,
depending on the movie, like I that woman would live friend
free in my brain for the rest of my life. I feel like adequate.
I wouldn't I would I would have to go to jail before I let that
look like I would. I'd be like I just look I'd be like yo, one
more chance. Do you want to get up? No. Okay, I'm fucking going
going right out the concessions. I'm ordering the largest fucking
Pepsi I can. I'm coming back and I'm fucking putting it on her.
I'm just like, I'll fucking douse. I did that shit with you
one time I had a full beer. And he was getting ready to drive.
And he was talking to me. And he's like leaning out his fucking
car window talking shit to me. And he's got the door kind of
open like he wanted to like fuck with me or whatever. And I'm like
standing there holding a beer. I got a full like it's a big pine
glass full of beer. And I was just like, Oh, you bought a drive
somewhere? Boom, have fun getting pulled over you go smell
like beer. I put that whole fucking beer on him and just
walked off. I was like, have fun driving home smelling like
fucking beer. I hope you don't get pulled over. You piece of
fucking shit.
I will throw a beverage on a motherfucker.
I'd like y'all make coffee at this fucking theater. They're
like, yeah, I mean, like we got a coffee maker. No one ever asked
why they shut the fuck up. Make me a fucking pot of coffee.
I put that fucking hot coffee right on that bitch and go to
jail for it. She called the cops. He fucking put boiling
coffee on me. I'm gonna sue him. I'm gonna fuck you.
If you were sitting in my seat, you're lucky I didn't cut your
fucking old tits off. That shit off. I will fight over that. I'll
fucking bite her face off like I'm Hannibal goddamn. Like,
fired up on that rule.
I would throw her back to her seat. Are you shit? I mean, like
I'm an equal opportunity offender. I would sit right behind her
and I would make the whole fucking movie. My dick would be
fucking raw by the end of that fucking movie. I would be just
blood. The sides of my dick would be just fucking red like
this fucking sweater right here. I'd be fucking, I'd be shaved.
I would just, I don't give a fuck. I would sacrifice my dick
for the rest of Todd. Just the fucking jizz over her shoulder.
And fuck it. I'd be shooting her blue hair. I would fucking
jizz over her shoulder. I would fucking unleash all that Mexican.
I would sit right next to her to make her uncomfortable. I'd
just fucking fart all that Mexican shit. I'd be like,
fucking, I had refried beans before this movie, bitch. I'm
fucking, you like that shit? You want to sit in my seat,
bitch? Fucking.
Yeah, everything.
No way. No freaking way would she get away with that and come
out unscathed. Like something of hers is getting fucked up and
ruined. I fucking open my phone every two minutes. Fucking
flash. I'm like, this bitch keeps looking at her phone.
Like the whole thing is like close to her. So like people
think it's hers. I'm like, this old lady, she keeps checking
her fucking phone. What the fuck is wrong with this old
lady? Get the whole theater turned on her. You know what I
mean? Oh man. I'll just get up in the middle of Django and be
like, this old lady just said the N word. Fucking everybody in
Atlanta would be like, I couldn't do that either. I'm
like, there's three white people in this theater and this old
lady right here is one of them and she said N word. Oh man.
Alright, well rule number ten, sit in your assigned seat. And
if you don't like what happens to you, it's fair. Whatever
happens to you. You asked for it. You asked for it. You did.
It's like the purge, but you're the only person that the
punishment applies to. It's like that movie Trick or Treat
with Sam. You know what I mean? Like if you violate the rules,
if you obey the rules, you're gonna be safe. If you violate
the rules of Halloween, you're gonna get fucked up and
whatever happens to you, you ask for it. You violated the
rules. That's all it is. You violated the rules and we don't
feel compassion for you. Well, it's the thing we all keep
coming back to is that we're all gonna get fucked up. We're
gonna get killed. It's the thing we all keep coming back to is
the shame, right? Cuz I don't know if you guys have been in
the those ambiguously numbered theaters where like you look
and like you're like, alright, I'm in row H, seat number seven
and you sit and you're like, oh seven was here, but it was
supposed to be there and the actual person's sitting there
like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. Like that's the move. You're
ashamed that you're in the wrong seat in the wrong row or
something like that. Like you just say that sometimes with
that, you just be like, oh, I'm so sorry. I just ate all this
**** weed granola. I had no idea. Like I'm so sorry, man.
I'm just **** I am so **** high right now and I've had a few
drinks. I'm let me just scooch down. You know what I mean?
Like you do that and people like, oh, don't **** with him.
He'll throw up on you. You think with how fancy the chairs
are in theaters now, they would have the wherewithal to just
like embroider a number on the seat. No, like freaking okay.
So, I gotta bring this up. So, American Fork Cinemark, they
don't start with one on their chairs. It goes three to
freaking thirteen. So, like I have to freaking count it out
just to make sure that I'm getting this **** right. Oh my
but the number is only on one side of the chair whereas at
Orem Cinemark, it's on both sides which I freaking love.
Like there's no way that you can get your seat wrong but
American Fork Cinemark is only on one and you best hope that
you either counted this out perfectly or you are a
mathematician because it is a pain in the **** to get it
right. Oh my god. I always feel that I'm not gonna get it
right. Yeah, same. Like that, by the way, that is my worst
nightmare because I, I don't ever wanna be the person
that's like checking my phone, eating the loud food, doing
the whatever. So, like once I'm in my seat and I'm reclined
and my shoes are definitely still on and and I'm ready for
the the thing to start and then someone comes up and it's
like, I think you're in my seat and now I've like popcorn all
over me and you know, freaking jujubes everywhere and I'm
like, Jesus Christ. Now, I gotta get up and I look like an
idiot and like, I'm so sorry, please. I didn't mean to be
this person but I've already soiled your seat. I'm so sorry
and that's it. Like no one, they just think you're an idiot
and you move on with your life. It's fine. Yeah. Not, no, not
only do I sit here, you refill my drink now. What's that?
What's that razor? What's the, I can't forget the name of the
guy. Yeah, but it's the one that's like, you know, never
attribute to malice that which can be explained by ignorance
or stupidity. So, it's like, yeah, if you just get up and
you're like, I'm sorry, I'm a **** idiot, then people will
believe that you're **** idiot and not that you were like
malicious and trying to steal. They're not gonna be like, oh,
that guy, that guy over there. Yeah, the the **** idiot with
his **** out of and he's **** like Mexican ****. Look at that.
He was lying. Now, they're just gonna look at me and be like,
yeah, he's a **** idiot. I can tell. It's obviously just
couldn't **** count. He can't even count from three to fifteen.
Look at him. What are that dumb idiot wasn't sitting on the ****
floor. With the rest of the detritus. Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, I broke out detritus on you. I hope it's not my turn
cuz I think I am plum out of rules. I feel like I'm also
tapping. Yeah, you guys have outlasted me in this marathon
and I'm **** I'm tapping out. I feel like I've cussed about
like what else could you do wrong in a movie theater? I
don't know. I don't know like the Aurora Theater shooting or
something like don't bring a gun. I don't know. Like don't
don't dress like the Joker and show up to like the the ****
Dark Knight Rises and try and try to shoot people. How about
that? Or listen, maybe if you want everyone to act better,
at least here in Florida, we have like there's no rules for
like open carry. Now, you can just do that. So, maybe
everybody just open carry to the theater and everyone will be
nice and quiet. No one will get up in your face. Yeah, they're
in your seat. Are you gonna steal my seat if I got a ****
block on my hip? No, you're not cuz I'm gonna air you out you
**** Yeah. So, there you go. That's my last rule. You wanna
steal my seat. I'm 100% your uncle Barry **** Oh my gosh.
Just splash her with water and watch her melt. We're ****
dueling in the **** street like it's **** OK Corral **** I
hope you're quick to draw your **** pistolas cuz we're in
Florida you **** **** You better be **** her **** scrubs
with that **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
You just whisper crazy **** to her. Just scare her out of
your seat. Yeah. You just sit down next to her. You're like
hell s**t. Or just sit right on her lap and be like, this is
fine. I like this better. Hog the hog the armrest. Just like
lean into that armrest. Like make sure she hears you
breathing like. Oh man. Start blowing her nose on her shirt.
There you go. One thing I heard a drill instructor say. What
did you say, Caleb? I said, one thing I heard a drill
instructor say to scare the **** out of someone was
like that was mouthing off. They're like. It's pretty brave
for someone within coming distance. You're like oh my
**** I did it man. I can call you right now. You better ****
**** off. That is diabolical. It wasn't even like said loudly
like he just walked up and like got next to this recruits ear
and said that and then he like just completely like shut up,
shut down and we we asked him later like what did he say? And
he told us. Yeah, he's like holy ****
Yeah, what about you Rose? You got anything else? No, I got
nothing. Yeah, I think I'm tapped out too. It's 10 rules.
It's like the 10 commandments. It's like the 10 commandments
of. And I think if you follow these rules, chances of you
getting **** up in a theater are pretty low. True, very true.
Yep. So going through these rules real quick, starting off
with number one. Number one is shut the **** up. Number two,
if you have to check your phone, be quick and shameful.
Number three is don't pregame the booze or any other
recreational substances and absolutely no firsts. Number
four is if you wouldn't do it with the lights on, don't do
it with them off. Number five is don't be a **** and keep your
shoes on. Number six is on time means before the trailers are
done and show up on time. Number seven is leave your kids
at home unless it's a kids movie. Number eight is no
refunds. Movies are a gamble. Sometimes you lose and number
nine is be nice to the employees and then finally,
number ten is sit in your assigned seats. Perfect. Sounds
about right. I think we did it fellas. I think we did it. Now,
let's put them all over our local theaters. Yeah, I was
gonna say we need to forward this to the CEO of AMC and
Regal and all those other ones and we're good. Let them know.
Yeah, I may not wanna tell him about how many times I've
ejaculated in this. I think I'd like to maybe do that thing
they do on the TV shows where the guys like he's a silhouette
and they do the machine to mask his voice and then and then I
feel more comfortable having that discussion with the CEO of
because he could probably I don't know what the limitations
is on on some of these crimes but I wanna make sure that I'm
well outside of those before I cop to him. Yeah, you definitely
admitted to at least one crime tonight. No, I mean two. Yeah,
right. Cuz I I admitted to using drugs. I admitted using drugs
that are illegal and federally illegal at least three
criminalized in New Hampshire and legal in Maine but whatever
they're federally legal and then I also admitted to to sexual
activity getting blown and jerked off and you know, I've
never penetrated anybody like vaginally in a movie before.
I'd like to try that before I die. I'd like to have vaginal
sex in a film. I'm gonna try that.
Once those kids eyes gloss over and they're watching Maui, I'm
gonna **** pull the wife aside like hey, they're not looking
that shiny song. It really takes on a different meaning and
freaking finish to the rock saying you're welcome. Oh my
god. How did you know what I do on a daily basis? That's when
your wife is like really really that's all you got. You're
like, what can I say except you're welcome. I kept it brief
for you. I kept it real quick. You know, bang boom. I'm ****
I'm gonna go eat some of this popcorn now. I've been told
this is a compliment. Oh hell. Oh yeah. This is definitely the
ten quickest ways to not get jacked up in a in a movie
theater and I'm glad that we've had this moment to like just
decompress and like talk about all this **** through. It is
borderline therapeutic. Absolutely. It has been nice.
I haven't shared my story about ejaculating in theaters.
That was uh it off the chest. Yeah. Alright. Well, with that,
I think that wraps up this week's episode. Thank you DJ
and Jason for joining us this week. Yeah, I'm sorry but I'm
sorry for all your listeners. I'm sorry guys. Don't be sorry.
I was a blast. Yeah. Like hey, it's it's it's rule number
eight. If they listen beyond a certain point like that's on
them. They take the L. Yeah. For like a couple episodes or
even like years like this is the content they expect even if
it's just me and Caleb like it's not far off from what we
talk about. Yeah. Uh anyway, you guys wanna tell us where you
got where they can find you Jason. I was gonna let you go
first DJ but thank you. Uh you can find me on a nice little
podcast called Pop Culture Mass. It's on Spotify. It's on
Apple. It's on all the **** or hit me up uh YouTube.com
slash at Movie Mass. Hit me up man. I **** yell about stuff on
YouTube. It's cool. Go uh go uh don't subscribe. I'm at sixty
nine followers. I'd like to stay at sixty nine. Uh we'd love
to make it to sixty nine subscribers. So, you know, go
check out the Untrained Eye. Get us up to sixty nine. It's
gonna be great. Uh. My wife's not come back. Who we listen.
There's there is rumblings uh in the the Untrained Eye studios
that we might make our victorious return. So, it has
been a year. So, let's go. Do it. So, I don't know. Go listen
to the Untrained Eye at Untrained iPod anywhere you wanna
see me not post anything. Oh yeah. Alright and you guys can
follow us and subscribe anywhere you listen to podcasts.
We are on all social medias as well. Uh just search at the
All Bros and you can also do that on YouTube if you wanna
follow us there. Oh yeah. Um yeah. Next week uh I think
we'll finally do that. Uh what what are we doing next week?
Are you guys going week to week again or are you going
bi-weekly? Dude, I I don't know. Yeah. Alright. Cuz I I
thought I missed it and I was like, wait a minute. Yeah,
that's to be discussed. Oh, looking at the calendar, we just
had our our podcast birthday. Hey. Yeah, it already passed on
the November fourteenth. And we've been, yeah, we've been.
We're not celebrating. I'm sorry, man. It is what it is.
No, but we've like this show's been going since 2017. So,
was that six? Oh. Seven years. Seven. Yeah. Seven years,
right? Yeah. Uh yeah. So, next week might be a little too
early to do either Moana or Wicked. So, maybe that's the
week that we'll finally do the Wild Robot. I'm gonna have to
rewatch that movie. It's been like two months since I've
watched that. It's it's been a hot minute. But yeah, so you
guys can look forward to that or whatever else we happen to
do next week. Yeah. But until then, this has been the All
Bros podcast featuring the untrained eye and pop culture
mass. And we will catch you guys next week. Deuces. See ya. So
long. Thank you, DJ. It wasn't even, it was, I did a terrible.
So long. I can't do it.