What is up bros?
I'm Caleb.
And I'm Jonathan.
And we are a couple of bros.
It's true you are a couple of bros.
Hi.
Oh man, I got cocky.
I've known each other since junior high.
Yeah.
I know.
They're a couple of bros just watching movies.
Sometimes they invite someone into their home to watch a movie with them.
Today it was me.
Hi, I'm DJ.
We're going to break down these movies one movie at a time and we're going to do it fair.
We're going to do it with a grading system.
Don't you worry about it.
You know a movie we're watching.
It's Madame Web everybody.
That's perfect.
That was perfect.
On to the headliner.
Yeah, that was that was perfection because I got cocky.
I was like, I don't need the outline, which has like the script up.
I'm like, because I haven't used it in the past like few weeks.
Nope, definitely needed it.
Oh, shit.
Anyway, welcome to the all bros.
This week we are joined by our official third host, DJ from the untrained eye.
Hello, I'm feeling a deep bow.
Yeah.
What the hell, DJ?
Yeah, I know.
Listen, we're adults out here, you know, over here bragging with your two kids and I still
do a podcast every week.
Like we get it.
You're very good at your job.
But one day we get paid.
We get paid for this.
Yes.
Well, it's more of an internship.
I mean, we get paid in memories.
There we go.
I'll cut you.
I'll cut you part of my experience.
Yeah, the show is not it's not dead, but it's just on a deep hiatus.
Yeah, there you go.
A medically induced coma, something like that.
That's actually a good way to describe it one day or just kind of our back.
Yeah.
So everyone.
Yeah.
So if you guys are I guess we haven't brought it up yet.
But so this week, we really don't have anything to talk about in weekly watch.
I don't know if I've watched a movie this week.
I know I haven't.
Yeah.
No, I was going to watch Beetlejuice, but then I didn't have the time to.
Did you guys either of you watch the new short movie, the Spider-Verse Tale or whatever that
they just released?
Yes, I did watch that.
I did.
You watch it.
It's very, it's very clearly it was supposed to be, I feel like released in October because
it feels very spooky a little bit.
There's a sleep paralysis demon and everything.
I don't know.
It was very good.
Okay, I'll check it out.
Well, wasn't it released on the day that the part two was supposed to come out?
Yes, which by the way, I didn't realize that.
That is hilarious that they're like, psych.
There's something to hold you guys over for the next like three years.
Really thought.
Yeah.
So I watched, I watched the whole video and I was scrolling through the comments and someone's
like, this is bullshit.
They were supposed to release the, the Beyond the Spider-Verse movie today.
Listen, I'll take it.
I'll take whatever you want to give me.
Okay.
It's, it was new Spider-Verse material.
I will take it.
Yeah, I dug it.
I thought it was a pretty good short.
I'll tell you this.
I watched it and I was like, God, that was really short.
It was, it was seven minutes long.
It didn't seem like it was that long.
Like it went by, it went by like part one, like, or into the Spider-Verse or whatever.
Like it was just two and a half hours that was over like that.
So that's how that felt too.
Like it was, I can't wait for that last.
It's going to be the last movie across the Spider-Verse.
Is that what it's called?
And I'll be on this beyond the Spider-Verse.
I cannot wait.
When is it supposed to be released?
I don't think they have a date.
Yeah, no, I thought it was an April thing.
I heard it was like in like on, in like it was postponed indefinitely that I don't know.
Let me see.
So the Spider-Verse, please.
Because while you're looking, I need to make a quick rant real quick since I don't have
my own podcast anymore at this time.
April Fools, listen, companies, I know you're all listening right now.
And I know this one isn't going onto the internet video style, but I'm looking directly into
the camera.
I hate you.
Stop making April Fools things of, Oh, we're going to start making forks now instead of
cars.
Shut up.
Nobody cares about your stupid dumb April Fools joke.
We're going to start whatever.
No, stop.
Oh, look, we're just going to lie to you.
And it's hilarious because it's April Fools.
No, you're doing it wrong.
This is like when you turn your thing rainbow for Pride Month.
No one believes you.
You don't care about gay people.
You also don't care about fooling.
So shut your ass up and move on.
Leave the fooling to the people.
The end.
End of rant.
Creach, DJ.
I agree.
No, you.
Yeah.
So Spider-Verse does not have an official release date and it apparently I don't think
that was an April Fools joke.
It says that it was indefinitely delayed.
Shit.
That is horse pucky.
That sucks.
It says Sony also delayed Venom three.
Oh, what?
Yeah.
So it was.
They it was supposed to come out in July.
They moved it over or back to November and now they've moved it forward to October.
Geez.
OK, God, Sony pick a day.
Shit.
And yeah, still nothing about I'm going to make sure this didn't come out yesterday like
this article.
We're about to go over why Sony is just giving its death throes out into the movie universe.
So freaking I'm going to I'm going to choose to blame Madame Webb for Ghostbusters Frozen
Empire not doing as great as it should right now, because when Sony saw how bad the the
box office was for that movie, I feel they pulled back, especially on the publicity for
Frozen Empire, and just didn't want to showcase they actually had a good movie coming out.
And I don't know.
I question Sony's decisions with Ghostbusters Frozen Empire because there was that literally
they had it.
They had it on the week of the twenty ninth.
So this past week weekend, which would have been perfect for Easter weekend, they should
have kept it.
But then they decided to move it up one week.
Warner Brothers took that spot for Godzilla X Kong.
And because they took that spot, that frickin destroyed Ghostbusters at the at the box office
and just what Sony.
Oh my God.
Just so many bad decisions by Sony.
Sony hasn't been making very strong decisions.
No, I think I saw now the Sony Marvel universe consists of the Venom movies, Venom movies,
Morbius, I guess.
Well, into the Spiderverse wouldn't count because it's not live action.
But what's the other there's one other live action when I'm forgetting Craven.
Well, yes, Craven will happen.
Jesus.
Okay, so it's been delayed indefinitely and we're all worse for it.
Thank you, Sony, for nothing.
Hey, with fun April Fool's joke, Sony, you're an idiot.
We all hate you.
And so I had in drowning this year while Warner Brothers is frickin eaten heavy.
They're like, I love it.
Warner Brothers, they need to relax because they all of a sudden they think they're something
so much so that they've tried to bring back multiverses.
Hey, man, no, don't do this.
Like you're you Smash Brothers one, just relax.
You people already forgot about you.
Don't don't do this again.
Don't try and bring this back again.
Just fade into the whatever you're doing.
Make another Harry Potter or something and just stop making people pay attention to you.
Like they're not going to like you again.
I don't know about that.
I think Warner Brothers, like depending on how the new Superman movie goes, I think that
it's going to be DC's time to shine for a little while at least.
Oh, is Warner Brothers who is in charge of DC?
Yeah.
Oh, I guess it is.
Huh?
Yeah.
I mean, listen, James Gunn, this is his moment.
This is whether we're going to see whether James Gunn was just good for the specific
rag tag of Marvel heroes or if he is able to actually, you know, Joss Whedon style,
bring in a whole universe together and do something with it.
By the way, I've been saying for weeks now, days even, we need a new Kevin Feige.
Like Kevin Feige had his day.
We need new Kevin Feige.
He needs to retire and there needs to be a new guy on top to bring Marvel back to.
So I almost to the point to where I don't believe that he was the one that greenlit
Deadpool and Wolverine.
It seems like too good of an idea for him.
I don't know about that.
I bet he's freaking getting like, I bet he's on a leash with freaking Disney, like on what
is and what is not acceptable.
Like maybe now, like I'm sorry.
I think like what he's done is they, I don't think they gave a rat's ass about the MCU
like until it started growing into something.
And then they're like, okay, cool.
Now we're like backing you.
And now like that, now that they've accomplished end game, they've got a freaking leash on
him like don't ruin it.
Don't ruin it.
It's freaking Disney pulling that leash.
That's ruining it.
Now my counterpoint to that is maybe he got to end game and was like, I did it.
Now I rest on all of my laurels.
I just, uh, I don't really have a clear direction on where to go now.
Like I had this big 10 year plan and now that my 10 year plan is over, it's kind of being
revealed that I didn't have a really clear plan on what to do after this.
I'm just going to kind of make decisions that seem similar to the first two phases.
And so I can tell people like, nah, it's world building.
It's, you know, there was mysterious stuff that happened in the first ones.
If you remember correctly, like, and maybe, uh, and I'm not taking anything away from
him.
I think everything he did was amazing.
Uh, I just think Marvel has turned into Marvel movies have turned into like, they have good
moments, but it's not good overall.
Like they have cool scenes that you're like, that's a cool thing that happened.
And I'm glad I saw it, but overall I could have just seen it on Tik TOK and gotten the
same amount of enjoyment and wouldn't have had to watch this whole movie.
Dude, you know what?
I think the problem is our big part of it.
The movies that are good were made by someone that was a fan of the source material in some
way, shape or form.
Yeah.
Like with, uh, with winter soldier, arguably one of the better MCU movies out there made
by the Russo brothers who were fans of captain America.
And that, I mean, you could see, there was a time when Beth and I were doing the, uh,
we were trying to watch everything like, and I can't remember if we were doing chronological
or release order, but like, you can tell that like all of those movies, they're, they're
like, yeah, we're, we're going to do something.
I guess maybe we'll try and be serious.
Maybe not.
Like we don't really know what kind of tone we want to set.
And then winter soldier came through and was like, hello, we're a film and we are an espionage
film and this is very serious in case you were wondering, uh, we take this all very
seriously.
This is a serious matter.
Hydra is here.
Uh, everybody's going crazy.
Uh, it was, I feel like that was like a big shift for like.
Marvel or the MCU as a whole, like trying to trying and succeeding to find a tone for
itself.
Uh, so I don't know.
I don't know what, what that's going to be going forward.
I don't know how true it is, but I've heard that they actively try or avoid hiring people
that are like fans of the comics.
Cause like, have you seen those clips where it's like, they've gone from like a bunch
of different fricking MCU movies and a lot of the writers were like, oh yeah, well, I
wasn't really familiar with this character before coming into this movie.
And I'm like, what the hell are you talking about?
Which it's funny because like, I think that if you have like, say you have five writers
writing a movie like that, if you have one that is like not so familiar, like, cause
they were talking about this for the acolyte, the new star wars show that's coming out soon,
which is like, it does.
But that one of the things they did on that was like, at least one of the writers was
not very familiar with star wars at all.
And the reason they said they brought this person in was to kind of like have the people
that could geek out on it, but have someone that was also like focused on the story still
to like drive that forward and wasn't so like married to that.
But it's, I think it's gotta be a big room.
And I feel like the big room of writers and they can't be, I feel like the geeks have
to over outnumber the people that don't really have as much of a stake in like the source
material.
Like, I don't think that's a bad thing to have someone that doesn't know, but they can't
be like in charge.
You can't put that person, you know, they can't be the head writer.
But I think that's a good idea to have someone to ground the content just to be like, okay,
you've guys have gone so far into the fricking lore, bring it back and like reel it in a
bit.
Like I think that's a good idea to get like to reel it in for general audiences.
But yeah, like a fan has to be the one to write it.
Otherwise you get bullshit like Thor, Agnorok and Levin Thunder because Taika Waititi, he
like almost brags about, he's like, oh yeah, like I didn't read a single Thor thing.
Like I just wanted to do something fun.
Taika Waititi, I feel like the shine is coming off of that dude.
Like he, especially when he talks about Marvel stuff, he annoys me.
And the other guy, I swear to God, I hate that I'm saying this out loud, looking at
your Spider-Man poster in the background there.
But I want to, every time I think about the Scarlet Witch, it makes me want to slap Sam
Raimi right in his dumb face for being like, yeah, I don't really, I just like, they had
this thing and I heard it was some kind of witch and I'm into scary stuff.
So I'm going to make a scary witch.
Oh, there's a show about it.
Don't need it.
Anyway, she's a witch.
I can't argue with you on that one.
It's just, it's annoying.
Like I get it.
Like if you want that aesthetic, that's cool.
But like make a guy like Sam Raimi, like, Hey, you have to take a month, a week, anything
and like just deep dive the source material and like be, make this, these characters true
to what we already know.
And same thing with the Thor or the, yeah, the Thor movies.
Like it's, I don't know.
Dude, me and Rose were literally talking about this before you hopped on talking about like
the Sam Raimi verse and how well put together that could have been had Sony just fricking
let him loose.
Cause I'm like, yeah, like he, he had like a solid plan.
So like I was telling Rose, I'm like, if you can't write a, a movie where like the sole
focus of the villain is Green Goblin, like you're just a bad writer.
I'm like, but Sam Raimi fricking killed it.
And then fricking, he brings in Doc Ock kills it with him too, because those are the two
big bads.
And then it's like, okay, apparently the original plan for Spider-Man three, like what Rose
was telling me was that it was supposed to be just saying man and the new Goblin.
And I'm like, but with a more focus on, on Sandman and I'm like cake, like that's like
easy enough to do, but they like forced him to throw in venom.
And then I guess the plan for four was, oh shit.
Who was mysterious right before he's going to be Bruce Campbell was going to be a mysterious.
I think that was thrown around from what I heard.
I thought it was supposed to be the lizard.
Cause the guy that played Dr. Connors and Toby's movies actually did an interview recently
and brought that up that yeah, he Sam Raimi had talked to him about Spider-Man four and
he was going to become the lizard.
So it was supposed to be, as far as I know, it's supposed to be the lizard and vulture.
Those were supposed to be the two villains and Spider-Man four.
Yeah.
And then it's like those two, since they're tech, I would say in the general audience,
those are probably a couple of the Spider-Man's lesser knowns, but you can have two, like
where you can have like a half movie for each of them.
I'm like, he, he, he split it up really well.
It's just Sony came in fricking bit him in the ass.
Cause they're like, throw venom in there.
And he's like, I don't know venom.
I don't like venom.
And so like it showed that he didn't like venom.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, it's like, it pains me to say these bad things about Sam Raimi because like,
I think he also did with the Spider-Man trilogy, like one of the impossible feats, which was
make a sequel movie that was better than the original.
Cause Spider-Man two is, it's just the best out of all of the Spider-Man movies.
Possibly even to this day.
So yeah, no, I saw it.
I saw your doc.
Like that, that fight, that fight between him and doc Ock, where they're just going
around the city fighting that is on par with anything that has been currently happening
in Marvel.
Just no, no questions about it.
Like if you, if someone had never seen that scene and they were like, how did I miss this
in the Tom Holland Spider-Man?
Like yeah, exactly.
You would never know that that was not today.
Like it was well choreographed.
It was, it was just a good Sam Raimi.
Why?
Why Sam Raimi?
No, dude, he, he fricking had, I will never understand studios where it's like you release
something that's really freaking good.
And then it's like, all right, now we got to make sure that they don't ruin this.
And it's like, Nope.
They, the reason they were able to create something so good is because you didn't fricking
put this choke hold on them.
You fricking assholes.
Yeah.
The matrix for that was a word.
I'm hoping that Warner Brothers has learned from this bullshit and knows like if, if James
Gunn is creating good shit, leave him alone.
I don't, I just don't.
I can't, I won't believe it until I see it.
I can't, I can't anymore.
Well, that's kind of what they did with fricking suicide squad.
I think they kind of let him do whatever the hell he wanted.
And he's like, cool, I'm going to nitpick some of these parts from the first one that
I liked and get rid of the shit I didn't.
And we'll go from there.
And then they just kind of let him do whatever.
And the movie was awesome.
Yeah.
I feel like people poo poo that movie.
Like that was a great movie.
We got peacemaker out of it.
Like what do you want?
Yeah, exactly.
I don't know if you guys, this is not related to this, but I just, I just wonder, have you
guys been playing or do you know of the suicide squad game or kill the suicide squad, whatever
it's called or suicide?
I have not played it, but it's looks fun.
Yeah.
I haven't played it either, but I'm going to agree with what Caleb said.
I think it looks fun too.
Apparently though, I like all I've like on Tik TOK, it only shows me the cut scenes and
apparently like the joker has just been introduced to the fray.
And I got to tell you that joker, everyone after this podcast is over, go to your Tik
TOKs and type in suicide squad joker.
And after you get past Jared Leto and you get to the video game one, that is the thing
that Jared Leto was trying to do.
I promise you because it's so much better and it kind of, when you look at it, you will
think to yourself, this is going to be Jared Leto joker.
No, it's like turned up or down.
I don't know which way he had to go, but it's turned that many notches up or down to make
that exactly right.
So I don't know.
I guess it's kind of movie adjacent because somebody had to act that out.
There can be other good jokers guys.
I'm just saying it doesn't just have to be that weird guy from that dick movie that we
just saw.
I'm not the biggest fan of his look.
Well, I'm telling you, it's because he's kind of like Jared Leto esque.
But when you hear him talking and you see him interacting with them, it is good.
Like it is actually good.
Okay.
I'll give him a chance.
I forgot the salt burn, sorry, in case people were wondering what I meant by the dick movie,
a salt burn.
I'm interested in what they're going to do with him in the Batman too.
Hopefully nothing.
Hopefully they put that guy in jail where he belongs.
Oh shit.
Anyway, so how about we get into this week's breakdown?
Let's do it.
Hell yeah.
Alrighty.
Just in case you didn't know, this week's breakdown, we will be discussing Sony's latest,
I don't even know if I can call it a Spider-Verse film, but their latest train wreck, Madam
Webb.
And I gotta be real, I finished this at seven o'clock.
Today?
Today.
Damn.
I finished this like three weeks ago.
Wait, no.
I saw this, I think the week after it came out.
So I saw this movie over like a month and a half ago.
It ages like a fine wine, they say.
Yeah.
It just gets worse and worse.
Beautiful.
I was going to watch it earlier, but my wife, she voluntarily told me to go to, I'm kidding,
she told me like, oh, we're going over to, this lady has to help her out.
She needed some computer help and whatnot.
She needs the help.
Let this, let her be my wife.
Yes.
Yeah.
So we were going over to this lady's house to help her out.
Her and my wife become really good friends.
So I was like, all right, cool.
We'll go over and help.
She had some issues with her floor that she wanted me to look at too, so I was like, all
right, cool, but I got to watch this movie today.
And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
And I was like, okay, as long as you know, like we're good.
And she's like, yeah, we'll only be there like a few hours.
And I was like, all right, cool.
Anyway, we left at like 740 and it like, and we got to her house after stopping for breakfast
and whatnot at like 840 and then around 330, we left her house.
And then she, then my wife's like, oh, well, while we're on the way home, can we stop at
Walmart?
And I'm like, shit.
So I got home at five or we got home at five and she's like, can you help unload?
And I'm like, God damn it.
So I grabbed all the shit with like one trip ran inside and then it's a freaking Amazon
screwed me and delivered a microwave.
And so my wife's like, can you get that?
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ran inside, like got that ran out to my, my new space and turn on.
Just imagine the whole time you're doing this.
Britney Spears toxic is playing it over.
Yeah, yeah.
Back and forth running.
Yeah, but I was a bit frantic when I started it.
I'm just like, he wanted like, we were supposed to start at seven.
I'm not going to finish the movie till then.
Well, listen, don't worry.
This movie was here to chill you out and relax you.
No action in this movie.
Just hanging out and looking at stuff in the Amazon.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah.
But so yeah, this movie is very fresh.
I mean, it's in my mind, easily one of the most fresh movies that I've had.
I have times to stew on these, but not this one.
I hate to break this to you, whether you had a week or an hour, like you're going to have
the same feeling about this movie.
I promise.
Yeah.
There's no, um, so anyway, if you guys are new to our breakdown system, we have split
movies into eight different categories that we individually score to come to a final all
bros and untrained I letter grade.
They categories that we score our story, writing, acting, character development, effects, music,
costumes, and then we give our own personal score at the very end.
All of those numbers get magically added up and spit through our algorithm and give us
a letter grade to compare this movies to, uh, to compare this move.
I am on one today to compare this movie to others of a similar grade.
Um, also gives us a percentage that despite what anyone may say is mostly just for fun.
No, it is not.
Don't listen.
Don't have it then.
Don't have it.
Just say, just say it's a movie or it's not a movie and that's it.
You don't need anything else.
Otherwise, madam web is not a movie.
All right.
See you guys next week.
Yeah.
So if you guys have not seen madam web, congratulations, buckle up, consider yourselves lucky because
this movie is so bad.
Um, so yeah.
So if you, like I said, if we're about to spoil the whole fricking thing in our favorite
segment that we like to call reading with Rose, I dare you to be able to spoil this
movie that implies that you would be able to give one cohesive statement on what this
movie was about.
So I will dare you to ruin this movie.
All right.
So yeah, we will be posting that spoiler warning now.
So without further ado, Rose, take it away.
All right.
In 1973 in the jungles of Peru, a research team led by Ezekiel Sims and his pregnant
colleague Constance web discovers an unidentified species of spider with rare healing properties.
Ezekiel betrays the team and claims a spider for himself before leaving Constance for dead.
An indigenous tribe attempts to save Constance, but she dies shortly after giving birth to
Cassandra.
30 years later, Cassandra going by Cassie works as a paramedic in New York city alongside
her coworkers, Ben Parker and Q Neil.
During a dangerous call, Cassie falls into the water and has a near death experience.
Ben revives her, but she begins to experience visions.
She, wow.
She begins to experience visions.
Initially, she dismisses them as deja vu, but after failing to prevent old Neil's death,
Cassie realizes that she can see into the future.
Ezekiel, who has limited pre precognition, wow, power and enhanced physical abilities,
collects information on three teenage girls, Julia Cornwall, Anya Corazon and Maddie Franklin.
His visions lead him to believe that they are destined to kill him.
Cassie is also drawn to the same women and intervenes to stop Ezekiel from ambushing them
at Grand Central Terminal.
She steals a taxi and takes Julia, Anya and Maddie out of the city to hide them in a nearby
forest.
Cassie returns to her apartment and finds Constance's note, which reveals Ezekiel's
identity and the true nature of his powers.
Ignoring Cassie's instructions, the girls go to a diner where Ezekiel finds them.
After briefly incapacitating Ezekiel by ramming him with the car, Cassie takes the girls back
to Queens and they take refuge in Ben's house.
Cassie flies to Peru and tracks down the tribal chief who saved her mother.
The chief puts Cassie through a ritual that separates her soul from her body.
She experiences a plane of higher consciousness where all living things are connected and
where every possible future can be seen.
She learns that Constance sought the spider to save her from a fatal hereditary disease.
Ben's pregnant sister-in-law, Mary, goes into labor earlier than expected and he takes her
to the hospital.
Along with the girls who are seen on camera when in the car, Ezekiel intercepts them again,
but Cassie rescues the girls in an ambulance and distracts Ezekiel so Ben and Mary can
escape.
The group lures Ezekiel to a condemned firework factory and sets up traps to disorient him
while Cassie calls for a medical evacuation helicopter to fly to their location.
Ezekiel destroys the helicopter and separates the girls, then taunts Cassie with Constance's
death.
Cassie uses her powers to guide the girls to safety.
She sets off the final trap, which fatally crushes Ezekiel.
An ignited firework strikes Cassie in the face, blinding her.
Cassie is taken to the hospital just as Mary gives birth to her son.
Cassie wakes up to discover that she is now blind and paraplegic due to her injuries.
However, her clairvoyance enables her to see fully into the future.
Cassie assures the girls that she will mentor them in their future roles when the time comes.
Don't worry though, it was not now.
The time is not now, it's later.
And don't even worry about it.
Yeah.
How dare you.
Oh man.
Dude.
This was rough.
I try to have like a good attitude going into this.
Maybe it's not as bad.
Maybe people are being super harsh.
And I think the stuff that like, cause I have another show that I listened to that, that
discusses Marvel movies.
I haven't listened to their review yet.
I try not to listen to, if I know that we're going to do a review on the same movie, I
won't listen to theirs.
I don't want to be like influenced, but they did talk about like when the trailers were
released what they thought the movie was going to be.
And I think I almost would have preferred what that was.
So in that, in their version or what they thought was going to be the case, because
they, it was like right after Adam Scott kind of got revealed that he was going to be playing
Uncle Ben.
So what they, what they assumed was that Ezekiel Sims, the character that he played was in
the comics was like a time traveler and he was coming back in time to basically hunt
down baby Peter Parker.
Well that's what I read after the fact.
That's what the comic was.
Like that's what happened in the comics that he was a time traveling weirdo.
Yeah.
So that's like, they were explaining all of that.
So that's what they thought that it wasn't, he wasn't hunting down these girls to like
protect his own ass.
He was hunting them down because he knows that they protect Peter or that they were,
they were going to obtain their abilities to help protect Peter.
And so I'm like, I do, I would have preferred that.
I mean, listen, I will say this, excuse me.
I did not know that I was going to be a part of this show.
So I did imbibe some reviews on this and everyone was saying how terrible this movie was going
to be.
It's the worst movie that's ever happened.
Now in fairness, I've never seen Morbius, but I didn't totally hate this movie.
Like this movie was not good, but it was not as bad as I was led to believe.
And I only say that because if you watch this movie, I am a 40 year old person who exists
in this world.
So I lived at a time before 9 11.
I know for some of you that's hard to believe, but this movie seemed like a movie that was
made in 1999, about 2003 with no idea that there was a 9 11 coming.
Because they didn't make her like a hero, even though she was a paramedic.
It seemed very like, it just seemed like such a movie that you would have seen in 99 and
be like, you know, I mean, it wasn't good, but like for the time it was really, it was,
it was good.
It was, you know, if they made it today, it would probably be a lot better.
They'd be wrong, clearly.
But it was so weird.
It was so weird to watch this movie and be like, what year is this from?
Because it's not from this year.
I think there were a lot of elements in this that were had the potential to be good.
It was just overall execution was bad.
So so bad.
Yeah, like I think a lot of the pacing issues, like I don't think that they showed off her
ability to see the future very well.
Or to see like basically live alternate timelines.
Like, I don't think they showed that off well at all, especially in the final sequence.
Like, it just kind of felt like she was just I couldn't like ultra instinct blocking shit.
And I'm like, like, you're not showing off that that's, that's, that's what she knows
to do.
Beth and I after this movie was over, looked at each other and said, so can she time travel
or see the future or both or hop dimensions?
Or what does she do?
Did she actually save those girls at the end?
Was that something that could have happened?
Was she for people at once?
What exactly is it?
Because there was a moment there where I was like, she is time traveling.
And I was like, no, she sees the future.
No, she sees other dimensions.
No, she can sleep, walk, dream something because she like, at some point slept or dreamed a
version of talking to Ezekiel where it never happened.
That never happened.
But she had a conversation with him.
So it was very unclear as to what her powers were or what they meant to this world.
Yeah, if if you're familiar with the character in the comics at all, it clears some things
up, but I don't think they accurately portrayed what her ability is.
So what her ability to like be multiple places at once is more isn't in a physical sense.
It's supposed to be in like a mystical, like kind of mystical way.
She can project her consciousness over like the multiverse, like because that's what Madam
Webb does, she's like the one that's in charge of the web of life and is able to pull spider
people into that.
So she's the one that kind of created the spider verse.
I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.
I might be.
I'm definitely wrong about this, probably.
But everything I saw about this movie after the fact was that like there was never really
like an origin story for her.
There was she was never like a like prominent really like wasn't featured very often or
very prominently like in any any of the comics.
Did she have her own comic at any point in time?
Like a book named Madam Webb?
I think she might have one within the past couple years.
Maybe I'm not 100% certain on that.
I'm pretty sure her first like actual appearance was in the 90s Spider-Man show.
It just I don't know, man.
Like it was it was not a good origin.
It's not a good origin movie.
Like I mean, I know everyone complains about origin movies.
And really the remedy is like you don't want to see the same origin you've seen a thousand
times.
You want to see Peter Parker get bit a thousand times.
But one of them one of the other things you could do besides just not showing an origin
is have a new origin of a character you've never seen before.
And they could have done anything.
And they did this movie.
They just made an asshole into like the because she was an asshole.
Just we're all clear on what this lady was.
Like she was clearly a hateable person that everyone liked inexplicably because it was
the worst.
Everyone freaking Parker's mom wasn't having it.
Yeah, that's true.
Parker's or Peter's mom.
She just seemed like Emma Roberts seemed like there was someone with a gun right off camera
that was like, oh, my God, don't stop acting or we will do it.
Like that's what everything she did seemed like.
This was a favor.
Just so we're all clear, Emma Roberts appeared in this movie as a favor to someone.
I have no actual proof of that, but there is absolutely no reason why she should be
in this movie at all.
Fair.
Yeah, I think that's reasonable.
It was either a favor or she really needed some bills to be paid.
I will do whatever, but it was good.
It was I execution was horrible, but I think the potential for a solid story was there.
It was by the way, I think two things could have happened.
Either one you just shorten you shorten the time between introducing those three girls
and then all four of them getting together and then have a second half where they are
in their suits and they are, you know, kicking Ezekiel's ass or whatever.
Or take those girls out of the equation completely and make this a horror movie between Cassie
and Ezekiel.
Because like when they were going through the subway and he was like taking out all
the cops and you couldn't really see him and he's coming from here and he's coming from
there and he's going from under it reminded me very much of like an alien movie, like
the first alien movie.
So I was like, all right, like you couldn't really see the xenomorph.
That's kind of what made him scary.
Like this could have been a good horror movie if they had just tweaked it a little bit.
I was thinking the exact same thing during that sequence.
I'm like this like the bad guys suit like I've been hearing a lot of people giving them
shit for that.
I think the design, especially in a horror situation, would have been perfect.
Yes.
They should have been complaining about the spider people in the Amazon suits.
What in the actual hell was that?
Those suits were terrible.
The dude's voice took me so off guard.
Talking and it was perfect English.
I was like, what in the shit?
You live in the middle of the Amazon.
You got bit by a spider and now you're a spider man.
Sorry, you're a spider person because we don't say spider man in this movie because that
guy doesn't exist yet.
Yeah.
Because as we all know, with great power, sometimes you got to have some responsibility
with it.
You got to use it in the correct way.
So much so we got to say this twice.
Gosh, dude, when you were reading your description, Rose, when you were talking about the chief
of those spider people, I was like, what?
I didn't catch that he was the chief at all.
And then the fact that he shows up again in normal human clothes, I'm like, what?
Yeah.
That was the most inexplicable thing where he was just like, yeah, dude, I totally like
built a hut up here and now I just do yoga all the time and have this have this online
business you've heard of online.
It's 2003.
We barely have it, but it's here.
I got an online business selling Amazon mud.
It helps people exfoliate.
Yeah.
The story with the girls was just I think you could.
Yeah.
I think you could have scrapped that altogether.
I don't think it necessarily needed that.
I think it needed like because it shows like he thinks that his death is going to be by
those girls.
I think as soon as Madam Webb kind of got introduced, his visions should have shifted
to be like dying by Madam Webb.
And then it should have been like purely hunting her down.
Well, by the way, they made him the dumbest smart guy in the history of dumb smart guys
because he's like it starts with whenever he's seducing that NSA lady at the opera.
He's just like starts talking about what we all kind of figure is like very specific,
like and I know that you have access to this facial recognition technology.
It's very new at being 2003 and all, but there was a 9-11 recently.
So I know you have facial recognition.
I think what irritated me most about that sequence is that he just sits down and then
he's like and then she goes home with him.
Yeah, dude, it was all like, are you shitting me?
And he starts, listen, I have never been seduced at an opera.
So I don't know how things go when you are seduced.
But I got to tell you if after seduction had happened and lovemaking occurred, if the girls
started talking about like, yeah, I've been having these dreams where these three dudes
kill me and now I look for these dudes and I'm going to kill them before they kill me.
I'm going to be like all I'm going to be hearing in my head.
It's like a high pitched whee and I'm going to be thinking of my escape of how the hell
I'm going to get out of here with I don't even need my clothes at this point.
I just need to get out with my life because I have clearly made a bad decision and I'm
with a crazy person.
But someone from the NSA was like, nah, this is still pretty normal.
This happens all the time.
You see someone in your dream.
You try and kill that dream guy.
He was ridiculous.
This is more of a writing issue than anything.
The way that his just rando assistant was just kind of there like she was as useless
as you could possibly get.
And they kind of treated the whole like how is he finding us like some sort of like premonition
thing.
I'm like, no, he's tracking you.
Obviously, somehow you just don't know how yet.
They didn't have cell phones.
This is 2003.
This is what we're all missing from this is like this was very like I got this movie on
a level that I think they wanted me to get it on because it's like this is supposed to
be you don't have cell phones.
That's why we're going to leave girls out in the in the forest for three hours.
What and they just they're like, you know what, I'm going to walk for two minutes and
find a diner that's basically right over there because a normal person, they would definitely
have a what's the word I just said it cell phone.
I'm going to call someone and let someone know where I'm at something like that.
That lady, though, she was the perfect exit.
She was as 2003 movie or sorry, 99 movie in a 2003 world as it gets because everything
he said was like, all right, bring this up on whatever.
And she was like, got it, boss.
And she theoretically has access to cameras in the entirety of New York City and is able
to be like, oh, we got a hit over in the Bronx area like did you like what are you like?
That seems like what 1999 would think technology could do in 2003.
It's just like, yeah, man, we got to hit and some lady could do it.
Sorry, I'm not saying that derogatory to ladies.
I'm just saying some rando could just be like, yeah, I type I can type like 50 words a minute.
I could do this.
I honestly kept forgetting that this movie took place in 2003.
I had to get down myself when I was watching it.
And then it was like, I would forget.
And then they hit me with just like, this song is going to be a bop.
And then it was Britney Spears toxic.
And I was like, what the are you talking about?
Oh, yeah.
I think I made a point to like almost look at the camera and be like, it really is a
shame about Martha Stewart.
Like that was when Martha Stewart went to jail for a second because she did insider
trading.
Yeah, exactly.
You see how no one cares.
What is the story?
Listen, a man died via firework.
Okay.
They weren't like stretching their their brains to do things in this movie.
Dude, something that pissed me off is that the movie completely it felt like they just
kind of forgot that Madame Webb was supposed to be blind until the last possible second.
And then they're like, oh, shit, hit her with the face with firework.
Now she's blind.
You were talking about how they just were like, oh, no, we have no way to prove that
she's blind.
We couldn't put we couldn't put those white out contacts in her eyes.
We have to get some kids sunglasses that he got out of, I don't know, like the world's
worst cereal box.
You had a budget like, hey, don't buy her shoes for that scene and buy her sunglasses
instead.
No one's going to see the shoes.
She's in a frickin wheelchair now.
Dude, I completely forgot that she had the the hereditary disease.
So when she's in the hospital and they say, oh, you can never walk, I'm like, where the
hell did that come from?
I didn't see her legs.
I didn't see her legs get a frickin damage during the thing.
I was just like, like, what made her not able to walk?
Yeah.
So I thought it was the fall.
I didn't realize it was the hereditary thing coming back again.
I can't remember if I read it in the trivia on IMDb or somewhere.
But like, supposedly, she did get hit with a firework like in her back as well.
I didn't see that.
She at least got hit in the face.
By the way, it could have been a two for one whenever she got hit in the face.
It just like and she just like slipped some discs on her neck and just boom paraplegic.
I'd buy that.
By the way, did you guys catch this is I guess more of a writing thing.
But did you guys catch when she was in the hospital and, you know, they were like, oh,
Peter, he's been born or they never said Peter either, like the boy has been born and everything's
great.
And then Ben said he could never take on something like that.
He could never have a kid.
She's like, we'll wait and see.
Like, hey, you're pretty chipper about the fact that you know that these people are going
to die, lady.
Bro, dude, dude.
Okay.
I'm giving I'm probably going to give the story like 68 because I want to talk about
writing like immediately.
Oh, man.
68 you say.
Okay.
Are we telling our are we telling our scores out loud?
Yeah.
I'm giving it I'm giving it a 70 because I have a I actually have a solid feeling about
this movie, even though I'm going to say some things about it that people are going to go
you shouldn't grade it that high.
But I I legitimately believe to spoil my whole feeling.
This is a C minus movie.
If it was in 99, I'm grading this like it was made in 1999.
That's the only way I can do it and not just give it all the way across.
And I feel like that's boring.
All right.
What do you think, Rose?
I'm lower than all of you guys.
I'm at 65.
Damn.
All right.
Moving on over to writing.
And dude, I wanted to talk about that scene so bad because I laughed out loud at that
scene.
And how messed up is that line?
Because she because because I almost wrote it down.
Like that's how much I freaking loved it.
It was oh, Ben's loving to be an uncle.
All the fun, none of the responsibility.
And she's like, that's what he thinks.
And I'm like, like a giggle to avoid.
He has no idea what's coming up.
Like people are about to die.
It's like, yeah, your sister and her or your sister in law and your husband or your brother
and his wife are about to die.
And she's just going to keep that shit to herself.
That's so messed up.
Yeah, that's really absolute.
I laughed so hard at that, dude, because I'm like, that is such a messed up piece.
It really, really is.
I thought my favorite thing, I guess.
Yeah, this would be writing my favorite because they tried in this movie at least three or
four times.
I noticed to be funny.
And this movie failed miserably at being funny in any way, except for the funniest part of
this whole movie.
Whenever she's like, she's reading her book because whenever she just leaves for three
hours to go and read a book at her house, she's like, hmm, they could walk on walls
and super strength and all this other stuff.
Well, I guess you can't know that you can walk on a wall until you try.
And she starts trying to crawl up the wall and just slumps down on the floor.
That looks at her cat and is like, we're not going to talk about this.
I was so like over that this whole movie by that point that Beth laughed out loud and
I was like, oh, wait, that was really funny.
They actually did land a joke.
I think what made that hit is I can't think of a single person that didn't get bit by
a spider and at least try to crawl on a wall.
True, because I know I did, but no, I got bit by a spider and just got a big ass rash
on my forehead for a week.
And especially after the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man where they show like the little hairs on the
hand, you're like, maybe I have them and I don't see them.
Dude, I remember that like the freaking bite on the forehead that I got and my mom looking
at it, she's like, oh yeah, that's a spider bite.
And I was like, oh yeah.
You think it was full of gamma radiation?
When I was alone, I remember putting my hands on the wall and I'm like, it doesn't feel
extra sticky.
And then I was trying to crawl and then nothing happened.
I'm like, you know what?
It probably was because I got bit in the head and not the hand.
I mean, listen, once a year, I still try and use the force.
So I'm just saying, you never know.
It could happen one day.
Yeah.
This movie, like the other thing, like the, cause I thought that too, at the very beginning,
1973, we're in Peru.
I was like, why does this lady resent her child so much?
She's like, she's not going to stop me from looking at these spiders in a camera.
I'm like, all right, lady, relax.
We just met you literally 30 seconds ago.
Can you not be an ass to your kid instantly?
They redeem that mom so well.
Well, but like, I was like, okay.
Like this is like, it was, it was just like jarring.
Like I feel like I felt like that needed to come sooner.
Cause like it didn't, it, the only thing that made it see to, from Cassie's point of view,
that made it seem like her mom didn't like her was like, she just went to the Amazon
and that was just a bad idea.
Like that doesn't mean she hates you.
You could also take that as your mom's dumb.
So like it's, it was just a weird thing when she started like breaking down, crying, like
I thought you hated me.
Like you didn't give us that the whole movie, like there was not one second where you were
like, I was talking about how much my mom hated me and my guts, my guts, she hated the
most like none of that.
And then she's like, I was dying of a disease.
Thanks, mom.
You're great.
Let's hug.
Was she time traveling?
Was she dreaming?
Who knows?
I think it was an odd mixture of the two.
Cause again of how fricking vague her skill or power set was.
Yeah.
I will say this.
The fact that she, I will take this as a writing thing.
The fact that she broke her back, went blind, all that stuff from that fall is wild to me
because she got punched by a spider man multiple times.
She is all I could think when she was getting punched is I'm like, she is still a person
like we have found out by this point that she got none of the other gifts and just the
premonition was just dialed up to 11.
That's the only thing she got.
So this is a human being punched by an angry spider man and she's just like, Ooh, my tum.
And then when she falls into the ground or falls into the water, that's when she's like,
Oh my God, my eyes and my back.
Yeah, dude.
The dialogue was fricking ridiculous in this movie at times.
The best part.
Oh, sorry.
Now go.
It was my favorite part.
Just, I, I wanted to laugh out loud in the theater, but there were people there and
I didn't want to disturb it for anyone that might've been enjoying this movie.
But the part where she's at the hospital at the end and they're all talking and the nurse
comes in, she asks, Oh, are you fam or are you family?
She turns around and says, there are, she's no, she says they're mine.
Like, shut the hell up.
By the way, the best part was that nurse came in there just to ask that.
Cause she immediately just about face.
Yeah.
They did so much of random exposition in this movie.
Like, are you kidding me?
Like when they were explaining the fricking, uh, spider people, like, Oh, like you, like,
you know, the legend of this.
And it's like, Oh, the spider people that like run across tree tops and do this and
this and that, and they have mystical abilities.
Those spider people.
I don't believe in such things.
Yeah.
I'm like, you're so dumb.
And then please shut the hell up.
Yeah.
And then the, the fricking Ezekiel again, that's another thing that was pretty vague.
I thought he was just supposed to be security.
Was he the one funding?
Okay.
The, the description that you read Rose made it seem like this was an Ezekiel led thing.
My understanding was also that he was just like, like she was there.
She was the one being funded to be there, but not by him.
He was just like a local that was like, I can show you where they found the remnants
of these spiders.
Uh, cause that was seemed like that seemed to be why he was there.
Like, especially how she was talking to him.
Cause she wasn't just being a jerk about her kid.
She was being an asshole to that guy too.
So it was like, when he turned around and shot her, I'm like, I mean, you got off lucky
lady.
Like you are in the middle of the Amazon being a jerk to people that could have stabbed you
with a machete.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Dude, I, yeah, I, I didn't understand the relationship.
I thought I did.
I thought he was just some like security guy that she hired to like be part of the crew.
And when it turned out that that wasn't the case, I was, I was kind of taken aback.
I was like, I don't understand what this relationship is now.
Did this spider also stop him from aging?
Are we to believe that he aged or not?
No, he aged pretty sure he aged.
Cause it was supposed to be 30 years from when we first met him.
And the only thing that I saw different was that his hair was longer.
Otherwise he looked like to me, he was having that future premonition and his hair was gray.
But then if you notice the more the movie goes on, the grayer his hair got.
So it was very strange cause his hair, when he started out, it was not that gray.
And like the, by the end, it wasn't gray, like it wasn't the vision, but it was much
grayer by the way.
I will say this after looking up Ezekiel Sims or whatever his name was, like the comic version
of him, it's crazy because this guy looks like a deflated version of what the comic
looked like.
I mean that like disparagingly against that guy.
Like I just mean like the, it's like how I heard, it was, it was April Fool's thing,
but I heard that, what was it?
Chris Nolan was going to come back with Christian Bale to do the Dark Knight Returns, like that,
that comic graphic novel.
And I'm like, no, Christian Bale is a good Batman, but like you, the Ben Affleck, the
Ben Affleck Batman should be the one for that.
And I felt like Ezekiel, like there was a, he was the Christian Bale version of like
what the actual like hulking Ezekiel was supposed to look like.
Cause he was, he was just like more of like a chiseled, like just beefy dude.
And that was not, the only thing that was the same about them is that my wife noticed,
she's like, is he not wearing any shoes?
I was like, he was not.
That's a quirk of his.
That's a quirk.
I had a hard time getting behind his character at all.
It was not very, it wasn't even hateable.
It was like, why?
I don't understand why you're this way, man.
You had no motivation to do this other than you like, what would you do?
Yeah, they didn't set up any motivation other than he was some like down in the dumps dude
that got screwed, I guess I couldn't tell you.
And then what was he doing that whole time before he started having visions?
Did he had the visions straight away?
Like was that like, there was nothing like that.
Yeah.
I mean, no shit.
It was like 30 years of having some vision of these randos and it's just like, now they
have the technology.
They finally caught up.
Also, was that meant to be the same spider as well?
30 years later?
I think so.
Yeah.
I don't remember.
Yeah, it looked like it.
I don't think spiders live that long.
Like I'm not a spiderologist, but I don't think they live 30 years like that.
But DJ, it's radioactive.
So it lasts forever.
It's not radioactive.
It's mystical.
Okay.
That's just sorry.
Mystical.
Like Peter Parker's spider was radioactive because they did experiments on that spider.
This one's just a mystical spider.
So that means it lasts forever, right?
I guess that's what it means.
But he removed it from its homeland.
So that's why he was cursed with the visions.
Well, that's why I thought Ezekiel hadn't aged because I'm like, well, the spider, if
this is clearly the same spider, then maybe that's part of the deal is you've aged slower.
I don't know.
Anyway, one thing we should mention too, there were some other, there were three other actors
in this movie.
They were the girls.
They were there.
They danced on a table once.
By the way, the best part about that stupid scene when they were in the diner was they
were like, let's dance on the table.
And they get on the table because those guys look like they're into them.
And then they get on the table.
And if you look at the guy's faces, they're like, cool, but can you not?
Trying to eat here.
Yeah.
And then like, I don't know if you guys had subtitles, but she get like, forget her name.
Maddie kept like slapping one dude away and like, don't touch.
I'm like, what?
This dude looks mortified that you're on the table in a public place.
And then, okay, that scene, especially when she, you don't realize that she is just seeing
a vision when she's walking through the forest for one minute.
And then she's at the diner.
She sees him.
Oh my God, the Ezekiel's here.
I've been poisoned.
Whoops.
I was just, I was still at the taxi cab the whole time.
This is part of why I wish I hadn't watched any review or heard any reviews on this movie
because the whole fight scene that's happening where she ends up dying via hand poison, toxic
is playing, right?
Well then when she's like, oops, that was just a vision toxic is playing.
And it's like, all right, so is that happening?
Are they dying right now?
And she was like, I don't know, but I'm going to take a 10 minute longer route to get there
so that I can, so that I can drive into this guy.
Hopefully.
Because at the speed she came in there, I hate to break this to everyone who watched
this movie.
There's no way she could have known that she was going to hit him and nobody else.
Yeah.
Well, she, I thought she got stabbed the first time and then poisoned this, like when she
came in like a wrecking ball.
She well, so the, in the, in the vision, she, he grabbed her by the neck and that's when
he poisoned her and she died in reality.
Whenever they were, she was like, get in, girl, no, wait, he grabbed, uh, no, not Cassie.
He grabbed what's her name?
Not Jessica.
Oh, uh, skater girl.
No, what's, what's the other one?
Oh, uh, shit.
We have access to IMDb guys.
I'm gonna go there right now.
Uh, Anya?
No, not Anya.
The Sydney Sweeney's character.
Oh, Julia.
I'm sorry.
Julia.
Yeah.
He grabbed.
So the first go round, she like, uh, Cassie comes in and it's just like, let's get down.
Like let's go.
And then they're about to leave.
And then she like, Julia's like, apologize.
I'm like, I'm so sorry.
And then she goes, grabs her jacket and then he comes in, grabs her by the neck, like basically
like slams her on the, on the chair.
They have a fight a little bit like Cassie and Ezekiel have a bit of a fight and then
he stabs her and then she like wakes up back in the forest.
Here's the song and then runs back.
She hits it or hits him with the car.
She gets out, tells the girls to get in, they get in.
And then before she shuts the door, he like grabs her hand.
That's yeah, whatever.
I told you this movie's fresh and I can shit like that past me.
I mean, listen, you could give it a week and you'll, you'll forget.
By the way, I only watched.
I'm trying to, sorry, you go.
Sorry, DJ.
No, go ahead.
No, I was going to say, I'm like trying to just remember like the important parts and
like Caleb's able to like fricking just remember this piece by piece.
I know.
Cause I just watched this movie.
I think that's funny.
Well, I remembered all the parts, they were just wrong.
Wrong order.
Wrong people.
Cause I remember that.
I remembered specifically him like grabbing her hand at the, like as they were about to
back out and like for real, by the way, never came, never know more about the poison ever
again.
She was just like, I got poisoned.
It was pretty crazy, right?
Anyway, we're getting out of here.
But I mean, writing wise, I, I do think that there was some good writing moments.
Like, I mean, we brought up a couple.
I actually really liked the one where they're all at Mary Parker's house and she comes into
the room and she's just like, well, I either peed myself or my water just broke.
And Ben's like, well, it looks like you peed yourself because your husband is not here
right now.
And he, and your baby isn't due for a couple of weeks.
And then he like panics.
He's like, the ambulance isn't going to get here.
And I'm like, aren't you a paramedic?
Yeah.
So by the way, I do think it was funny too, that when they left and Cassie came back then
was like, Oh, the ambulance is here.
I know how to drive one of those.
There's finally a reason for me to be an EMT and just gets in and steals an ambulance.
Hey lady, this is your, your risking.
Yeah.
Countless other lives for these three.
I'm just saying, uh, you stole an ambulance to do that.
You didn't steal a car.
You stole a health machine.
Yeah.
All, all to just get her hands on an AED.
Yep.
I'm like, you couldn't just be a paramedic that carries one in her vehicle.
Nope.
No, cause that's too plot convenient.
It's yeah.
As opposed to calling an ambulance when you know, you don't need one.
Yeah.
I, yeah.
My main issue, like the, the humor I felt hit.
All right.
The, it was the story beats that fricking jack this up.
Like I'll actually give the writing a bit higher cause I felt like the writing was good.
It was very exposition heavy and it forced that exposition on you.
And I didn't care for that.
So writing, I'm not much higher.
I, I'd probably say I'm like maybe 71.
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna, I think I can match you at a 71 because I, I mean, again, I enjoyed
this.
Listen, thank you for, I can see it already.
Thank you for being the voice of reason.
Rose, you are the non, you're the non committed fan in the room.
I was expecting us all to be in the sixties or even fifties with this movie.
And I, y'all are making me feel bad.
You know what it is?
It's that the day before, or maybe it was the weekend before, uh, we talked about this
before we started recording.
I watched dune part one and kind of everything looks like it's in color now in a way.
So, I just did not.
I, I, I, I promise you, I expected to go into this movie and it'd be as bad as everyone
was saying it was and just to hate it.
And I gotta tell you, it was, I, it was better than the marvels.
I believe that in my heart.
Sorry.
I can't give you that.
I could never give you that.
I'm sorry.
Listen, the marvels was exactly what MCU movies are doing right now.
A lot of good ideas, no follow through at all, almost no reason to exist by the end.
Like the marvels had a great bunch of ideas that they just refused to follow through on
any of the cool stuff they started doing.
So I cannot, at least this movie was like, I'm dumb.
The end.
Like that's what I'm going to do.
There's no, if you're looking for depth, you are in the wrong movie, my friends, because
we are about to get as shallow as it gets.
I think what the marvels has over this movie, I feel that the main three actually have chemistry
in the movie where like, yeah, okay.
The three girls, someone have chemistry and then there's Dakota Johnson.
She's, she's just freaking like left out in the cold.
And I think even like during interviews, Dakota Johnson even led into that, that the three
girls, oh yeah, they had such a fun time, you know, have being on set together, you
know, hanging out and then there was just me.
She didn't, she, I don't think she interacted with them at all unless they were on screen,
unless they actually had to act a scene together.
Listen, the girl Kamala con, uh, was that her name in the marvels?
Yeah.
She was great.
Uh, Captain Marvel was Captain Marvel, Captain Marvel and Rambo.
I almost feel like they should have had their own movie before they introduced Kamala into
it because I think the thing that turned me off for the whole thing was when Rambo was
like, you left me when I need you to the most.
And she was like, I, I didn't realize I'm really sorry about it.
That's okay.
My mom's dead though.
Oh man.
I knew that.
I knew that it's really rough.
I liked her too.
You know, it had me too.
She was my mom.
Anyway, can we get past this?
We totally can hug.
It's time to go to Disney princess land where we're all singing now.
Like, what the hell is this?
Why?
No, that's not enough.
Like I'll give it to you marvels that you want to just like explain away Wanda vision
with like a witch, put a hex on me one time.
That's how I got them powers.
Uh, fine.
But you can't be like, Hey, this was one of the most important people in my entire life
and we're going to have less than two minutes of dialogue.
Be like, Oh, this is our catch up and, and just make good.
And we're just moving on with our lives and never talking about it again.
I can't, I can't get behind that.
So where are you?
Where are you sitting with this Rose?
If you're so, so low 61 since you're being the voice of reason on this.
So yeah, I thought the writing was worse than the story.
So I'm going to be really, I'm at a 63.
Damn.
Okay.
This is going to be a fricking great, I don't want to know what this comes in above.
I don't want to know.
Definitely start with below on this.
Yeah.
All right.
This is our next step.
We got acting, which I think is everyone's, we're very excited for it.
So with this cast, we got Dakota Johnson playing Cassandra Webb.
We have Sydney Sweeney playing Julia Cornwall, Celeste O'Connor playing Maddie Franklin,
Isabella Marced playing Anya Corazon, and then Tahar Rahim who played Ezekiel Sims.
I think you should add what's his face in there for Ben Parker considering I'm going
to vote for him in my top three.
That's fair.
All right.
Adam drivers.
Not Adam driver.
Adam.
If we should have added anyone, it should have been the person that did the dub for fricking
Ezekiel Sims.
Oh my God.
It's so noticeable.
It's so bad.
It was bananas crazy because there was one point where he was first interacting with
his secretary or wherever that lady is where I was like, huh?
Was this guy on a different planet when he was when he was doing this, these words like
what are you?
They basically got me to do it.
They were like, listen, the guy can't come in.
Can you sound like him?
And I was like, no.
They were like, can you read?
Yes.
All right.
Good luck, man.
So you want to know what I heard?
The issue was I know.
I've heard that his so he's French and his accent was so thick that you couldn't understand
what he was saying.
The freaking subtitles then I know I'm like just make him a French bad guy.
That's cheaper than rerecording the audio.
You just have to do that in post production.
I know it dude.
Like just freaking make him speak his native language for heaven's sake.
That's all you had to do.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
But then why wouldn't make any sense that he was her guide in the Amazon and funded
this Amazon spider trip?
Well, this is why I thought he was just like a freaking security guy.
I didn't think he was funding the expedition.
I thought he was just the muscle as he said.
She's like I wouldn't have agreed like I if I'm remembering this line correctly, he says
I wouldn't have agreed to this security job if I didn't think you were close to finding
the spider.
And I'm like why the hell was correct?
Yeah.
I'm like that sounds weird.
Like you agreed to do a security job because you thought she was close to obtaining a spider.
Again, this is another feather in my cap for this movie was made in 1999.
This is there is you're starting to really sell me on that.
Like this is a time travel movie after all and they all time traveled to 99 and they
made this movie.
Yeah, I did the no one was was on their a game here.
Like the guy who played Ezekiel wasn't the least bit and I'd like to know if he was in
the suit at all other than like the discussion.
Yeah, I mean, because whoever was doing the stunt work for that, like walking around in
the suit was a job.
I mean, yes, but also like I felt like you know, everyone wants everything practical.
Like there were times near the beginning when he was moving around.
I guess this is effects, but like he well, whatever we can save it for that.
I disagree.
I don't think this like he looked too heavy.
I feel like almost like it's he seemed the guy who was playing here or whatever doing
the stunt work for him seemed like too short and almost too stocky.
Yeah, because that's what like specifically why they go for people that are like leaner
and like Tom Hollins build where he's like more gymnast like no one buys a big bulky
Spider-Man.
Well, and that's it.
Like I think that even though he wasn't like a hulking presence, like he looks in the comic,
like it would have made sense because he looks lanky like a spider.
Like it would have been fine if they had a lanky stunt person doing that for him.
So I don't know.
Yeah, but dude, that dialogue was just horrid.
Like whoever they got to dub didn't even like try to lip sync.
Seriously.
Well, listen, honestly, we say nobody was like a standout.
I think he was this he believed in this movie more than anyone else in this movie.
The guy that was playing Ezekiel not the dub guy, but the guy that was playing it because
he seemed very serious and very angry a lot.
I'm like, that is so cute.
You don't know what's happening in this movie, sir.
It was rough.
And then Dakota Johnson like this is just not the best performance coming from her.
Or any of the girls.
And all the girls have been in some good shit.
I've never seen one of them in any movie ever.
So did you see Ghostbusters Afterlife or the new Ghostbusters?
So you saw Afterlife?
So Celeste, she played a lucky in Afterlife.
Really?
All right.
I've seen them.
And then not Sydney.
Isabella Merced, did you see the or I doubt you have the live action Dora movie?
I have not.
Okay.
Have you seen like the commercials for it?
Yes.
No, sorry.
So she so she played Dora.
She was also in that movie with Mark Wahlberg, Instant Family.
Oh, yeah, I didn't see it, but I know it.
Yeah.
So I mean, she's been in a lot of stuff.
And then Sydney Sweeney, she's basically been everywhere.
I'd be surprised if you didn't recognize her.
I hear a lot about her.
And they're like, Sydney Sweeney, the newest hottest thing that ever happened.
And I'm like, yeah, let me look at her IMDB.
Oh, she was on Euphoria.
I do know her.
The White Lotus never saw it.
The Handmaid's Tale never saw it.
I'm sure there's other good stuff she's been in.
But Euphoria is okay if you like watching people that are supposed to be in high school
get naked.
It's super not weird, I guess.
No, of course not.
No, dude, she the the things that I have seen her in, she's fantastic.
But the stuff that she's been in lately, like that Anyone But You comedy, and this movie,
like it's not doing her acting ability justice whatsoever.
And it's a bit of a bummer.
Oh, she was in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.
There you go.
I do recognize her.
Oh, really?
Was she really?
Yes.
She played Snake.
I'm reading her IMDB.
That's all I can tell you.
I'm sure it was probably one of the people at that compound.
Yeah, probably.
That's weird.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, it no one was bringing their A game to this.
It was over the top and cheesy.
Like, if the writing was bad, the acting was was worse.
And I would I would put this lower than my story, honestly.
So where are you guys sitting with with acting?
On a personally.
I think acting all ghosts.
I'll go just like one of my story at a 66.
Yeah, I was gonna try and stay in the C category.
But I think I have to creep into D and give this one a 69 because it's it's it's a real
thing.
And now that I just looked the next category is character development.
Oops, gonna have to go lower into the D category.
Oh, boy.
I I was a little bit harsher on this.
I'm giving this a 63.
I was disappointed with everyone's performance.
Listen, I was in one way or another.
But my shining star and I'm sorry, this will be my number one is Adam Scott.
Like Adam Scott seemed to be the only guy that was like, I'm stoked to be here.
I am now in the Spider-Man universe and I'm Ben Parker and I'm kind of going to be beloved
no matter what I do.
The end.
See you guys later.
You're not wrong.
I actually really liked his character, too.
My top three is I think it's like it's basic.
I my number one is going to Dakota Johnson, which isn't saying a lot because it was she
was not.
I think she had like I think she had the potential to be better.
Like a better written character.
I think she could have knocked out of the park.
Like I've never been like the biggest fan of her acting.
Megan, just in the things that I have seen of her.
But I think she could have made this character work had she been given better material.
My number two and it was probably just because she annoyed me the least is as a bear said.
And like I said, she annoyed me the least out of the three girls and then my number
two again, it's just she annoyed me a little bit less or my number three would be Sydney
Sweeney because she annoyed me less than or a little bit more than Isabella did.
I got to agree with your list, man.
Is it?
Yeah, it's the same for me.
Yeah, Celeste O'Connor, nothing against her, but she was easily the most annoying of the
three girls.
I was telling Caleb earlier, thank God the Frozen Empire came out this year because I'm
reminded why I actually like her as an actress because I love her as lucky and Ghostbusters,
but I hated her here.
She was so annoying.
Yeah, I would have Adam Scott number one.
I would have the dude that played Ezekiel Sims at number two just because I don't know,
like he looked the part, but he just wasn't the part.
And I just, I don't know, I like him.
And my number three is actually going to be his personal assistant because that lady deserves.
It's a damn shame what she had to go through to be in this movie and she, I think she really
caught the end of the stick more than anybody did.
And yeah, this might be her only time she gets some shine.
So thank you, lady whose name I'm going to look up right now.
Dude, she was getting freaking ripped on.
She's like, when he was telling her like use it or like use this program better.
And I'm like, first off, it's a program no one in the world has access to that she just
kind of had to learn on the go to use.
Second of all, she's doing the tracking.
Like she finds them within minutes.
Like what more can you want from her asshole?
Like if they're hiding in a basement, like you're screwed.
I think this lady's name is Zosia.
Z O S I A.
However you would say that.
M A M E T.
Maybe also French guys.
I'm just throwing it out there.
Might also be very French.
Yeah.
Amaria.
I don't know if that was actually the lady or not, but damn it, lady, you're my number
three.
I feel like I recognize that the assistant from somewhere.
She did seem familiar looking, but she might've just been, let's see.
She was in the kids are all right.
She was in the television program girls.
She was in this little indie film called Madam Web.
The trolls band together.
She was crimp in that movie.
She was the voice of princess lady fingers and a Harley Quinn, the cartoon show, the
flight attendant.
Did you see that show?
That was that one with the.
Yes.
That's what I remember her from.
Yes.
She was Annie more a dooey.
I can't say her name.
Yeah.
I'm pretty sure that was, um, uh, Kaylee Cuoco's character's sister.
Yeah.
That's what I remembered her from.
That was bothering me.
Well, again, there again, then her and Emma Roberts.
Those must've been, uh, an Adam Scott.
I feel like they w those were all the favors in this movie.
Well, I guess, I mean, considering how like hot in the streets, those three girls are
right now, like maybe this was all, this was favors all around.
Cause was anyone clamoring for a Dakota Johnson led movie?
I got to imagine the answer is a fat no.
After 50 shades, I highly doubt it.
I find it funny.
Cause I know that she said that when she signed on for this, like after there were so many,
um, uh, rewrites and all, like just so many changes.
And when the first trailer came out, she fired her agent or she fired her agency.
Good.
That's hilarious.
That is hilarious.
I actually like her more now that I've heard that, you know, what would be a great, like
I am kind of like over, like I don't listen to celebrity interview podcasts nearly as
much as I used to.
I would listen to a show where people get like, where actors get approached and be like,
like in terms of like horrible movies, like with this, like I would love to listen to
an interview with Dakota Johnson talking about like, what movie did you sign up for?
Like explain what that was so we can understand your thinking a bit like that.
This is why NDAs are terrible.
Cause I'm sure she's not allowed to talk about that in any capacity.
And that's the only thing I feel like everybody wants to know.
Yeah, I know, dude.
I've thought NDAs are like are void once the project comes out or are they just like, they're
just lifelong freaking bullshit.
I think they can be like, I'm sure they're different.
I'm not, this may come as a shock to you.
I'm not a law scholar, but I think that they can just be for a determined amount of time.
And I'm sure one of those amounts of time is indefinitely.
That would be so lame.
Yeah, gosh dude.
That would make a great show though.
Just like, Hey, you know, this movie that everyone universally kind of dislikes.
Well, we're going to explain why this actor signed up to be in it.
It's just a new different way to be sad though.
Like I just heard a, a, a Tik TOK today with what's that comedian's name?
The dude, he fluffy.
What is his name?
Oh, Gabriel.
Yes.
He was, I think it was Gabriel and Glacius.
He had a, he had a chance to be in an animated movie.
It was just, they hadn't gotten funding for this movie yet and they were only going to
be able to pay him like a couple hundred bucks to do it with possibly like points on the
backend and his manager or agent or whatever was like, yeah, like in that same time that
you could do that, you could go and do like an arena and make 25 grand.
So I think you should go and do that.
And he was like, that is a great idea.
I'm going to go do that.
And the voiceover that he was going to do was in happy feet and he was, he was going
to be, there's like a, a Mexican something and it ended up being whatever Robin Williams
voiced in that movie that was supposed to be him.
Oh, and he's like, so he's like, I'm glad that like my child, if any, if it could have
gone any ways, like, I'm glad my childhood hero could have gotten that part, but man,
I would have loved to have had that part.
Okay.
Yeah.
So yeah, all sad.
It's always sad news, no matter what, like I'd want to hear what's her face that Olsen
girl talk about what wand or what the multiverse of madness was going to be the first time
that she got the script.
Cause that was another one.
They said the script was rewritten a million times.
Like I had no idea what was going to happen when I showed up.
Like I got my lines day of, yeah.
Gosh, dude, like this India's are bitch.
Like it's just, it's a, it's something that like, listen, it's like what, like I understand
NDAs in terms of like not spoiling something like a big twist or whatever for a movie,
like what everyone was trying to avoid with like infinity war.
Like I understand not trying to break that, but it's like once the movie's made, like
if there was something else in the pipeline, like that's, I feel like it's like, Hey, you
fricking like voided your own bullshit.
Like you created something that I signed on to do and you changed it on, on everyone.
And like, like it's like, Hey, that thing that I signed the NDA for no longer exists.
So guess what?
The NDA doesn't exist.
I'm sure I would feel it.
It's probably, who knows?
I don't know.
It's all dumb.
I quit movies.
I'm sorry guys.
It's time to go.
You know, if this was the only movie that someone had seen, I would feel so bad for
them.
Could you imagine this was definitely somebody's first movie they ever saw?
Poor thing.
Here's what's really crazy.
This was more people's last movie they ever saw.
Can you imagine how many people died on their way after having seen this movie?
This was imagine if this was the last movie you ever saw.
Oh God.
I'm going to immediately watch a movie.
I don't care what movie I turn on.
I just don't want that to be my last movie.
If I don't wake up tomorrow, who says it's a go to sleep thing.
They might have gotten immediately into a car accident, struck by lightning, had one
of those, what are they called?
Those like a widow maker, like where you just get switched off.
It's like, boop.
All right.
It's like the one person that actually like thoroughly enjoyed this movie got struck by
lightning on the way out.
That wasn't half bad.
Technically, even though I'm like busted on this movie, I'm like, for its time.
It was great.
It was the nineties.
We didn't know any better.
Oh shit.
All right.
Next up, character development.
Ooh, we please guys.
I want to know who and you, whoever wants to say this first, in your opinion, who had
the most character development in the movie?
Madam Webb put out in the year of our Lord, 2024.
When did the movie come out?
This was 2024.
Please, I must know.
I would say getting paralyzed doesn't count as character development.
All right, Rose, you go first.
You know what?
I'm going to say the three girls combined that that's, I feel got the most character
development.
Show your work.
Oh shit.
They come together, they bond, they get powers.
There we go.
That's what they do.
They don't even.
Yeah, they don't get powers by the end of this.
They get suits by the end.
No, they don't.
But that's how the movie ended with them in their suits.
It did not.
That is not a future premonition of their suits.
They didn't have the suits in their possession.
God damn it.
Then I don't have an argument.
No, I would actually argue those three did have the only the only character development
because they went from being like three randos to being like, actually, you're not a rich
stuck up kid.
You're not an entitled whatever.
I'm poor and my mom's crazy and my parents are rich and they're never here.
My dad got deported.
All right.
Like, there you go.
And by the end, they let's just compress together just like we practiced on that pillow earlier.
But now it means something.
So they literally went from strangers to friends to working together.
So only character development in this movie.
I
like going blind and paraplegia.
Yes, that's a word now is a thing.
If that's character development, then Cassie, I don't think that was the only that I think
that was bullshit because they threw it in like very last minute.
Wait, she's what?
That's what it seemed like.
I feel like I could have very easily given this to Cassie had they built the resentment
towards her mother better.
If they would have built the really or that resentment better at the beginning where she
was just kind of like all hated like they I think they tried at that baby shower thing
where which was so dumb where they're like when they pull out a blank card and they're
like, oh, whose is this?
And she's like, oh, that's mine.
Like that is so attention grabby.
Like it was embarrassing.
But I I use like if I think that would have been a good place to show her resentment a
bit more because she's just like, oh, I like didn't really know my mom.
She was off doing spider stuff, like shown like that anger.
And I wish she would have made it like a bit uncomfortable for everyone versus everyone
making it uncomfortable for her.
It was like they were doing she was supposed to be doing a bad Kamala Khan impression because
she was trying to be awkward about like about like, oh my god, my mom's dead.
But like, it's not crazy.
Like she didn't die in childbirth.
Like she was in the Amazon.
It was crazy.
Like it was like, hey, there's an endearing young character.
Why don't we just write that person into this crazy old lady who's not even old.
But we're going to make her talk like a crazy old lady.
Honestly I feel like there is a very interesting story somewhere in here where it's how baby
Cassie got back to the U.S.
I would rather watch that.
It's like, did they go and drop her off at the like, what did they do?
That's the prequel that I wear.
That's the prequel that I actually want.
He put on like everyone else on that expedition is dead.
The security guy is M.I.A.
Like did the frickin chief spider 10 go and like drop her off at an airport like in full
spider get up or like what happened there?
Or he probably like went off, like went home, like went back in his like khaki shorts and
button up like Hawaiian shirt and just like here I have this baby.
Like what a freaking weirdo.
Who raised this baby even?
Like the baby getting back, we can find.
They put the baby on a plane.
Oh, new movie idea.
Babies on a plane.
But I mean, you need documentation for that.
Like did they go and be like, all right, like these little passports, something like.
Like here her mom died.
That's all the that's all the paperwork I need.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that that baby becomes Peruvian property.
She is Peruvian.
She was born on Peruvian soil.
What you just reminded me, though, was he supposed to be her?
What was that bald headed lady in Dr. Strange?
Was he supposed to be her to Madame Webb when he was an ancient one?
Yeah, I was pretty sure that's exactly what that was supposed to be.
Because, by the way, how dumb are you that your soul falls into the water?
Like, come on, son.
Yeah, dude, when he's like, do you trust me?
And she's like, I guess I don't really have much of a choice.
I'm like, no, we just met, sir.
There's always a choice.
By the way.
Oh, the best.
OK, this was the best part of the writing that happened.
I'm sorry that we're in character development.
This is the best writing.
It is the best piece of of dialogue slash action that happened in the entire movie when she
had those kids in the forest and she's like, I can see the future.
And I thought in my head, I was like, I would throw a rock at her.
And then when that girl rocked a rock at her, it's like, see, she can't see the future at
all.
I was like, yes, yes, that's exactly right.
That is exactly what you would do.
You would throw it a rock at someone that said some dumb nonsense like that.
Oh, shit.
Oh, man.
Sorry, character development is for me.
Like nonexistent taking.
So I mean, there's a lot of like implication on like Cassie's resentment towards her mother
that you have to kind of take into consideration, but I do feel like they healed that resentment
very well, like showing off like that, like where her story truly began like that deal.
Like I think that was that was pretty well done.
And so like when she finally was able to like unlock her, her potential and like the way
that he I just I think I like the way that he worded this, where he's like, you need
to address what happened in the past to move on to your future.
Like I like that.
Yeah, it's it's things like that that, again, are like it's the MCU trademark of like, here's
something almost good.
And then here's the rest of the movie.
Yeah, so.
I power comes great responsibility because they friggin butchered it.
They were like, once you've accepted this great responsibility, great power will come.
Like, that's not how this works.
Somehow she had to pass that along to Uncle Ben.
Did you hear them double down on it at the end when she put out her little whatever her
her other people and said the exact same quote again?
I'm like, no, this isn't a thing.
It's with great power comes great responsibility.
The end close the door.
That's it.
There is no.
There's no Yoda talking normal, like just friggin let the thing be the thing.
Yeah.
So personally, I feel like my character development again, I am taking the implication of resentment
into account, not so much so that it's because I think if they would have built that resentment
better, I'd probably be.
High 70s, low 80s.
Because I enjoyed it that much, but because they didn't account for that, I think I'm
somewhere closer to like 72.
Where are you?
You go next.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I can't even get a give it into the 70s.
I think I'll I'll go one higher from acting.
I'll go 60.
So you can't.
It's as you can't give this thing credit.
I feel like for implied character development.
That is very generous.
And even with like when the windows small, small amount of character development doesn't
really add anything to the movie at all.
I don't even know if it counts anymore.
So I am giving character development a 64.
Fair enough.
Yeah, fair enough.
All right.
Moving on over to effects.
This had a really mixed bag.
Yeah, more so of bad.
But I did like her like that, like when she crashed and it like opened up into like the
webbing, I thought that shit was cool.
I will give you that.
Oh, in the water, you mean?
Yeah, like how it was like the the windshield, like it cracked and then it just like webbed
off and like flaked and all that.
But that looked sick.
Like anytime she was in that realm, I thought looked really cool.
But the action sequences that weren't practical looked really bad.
I didn't notice a lot of like what is it that like too much uncanny valley?
I think at some point, even though I was looking at it, do you ever are you ever watching a
movie like this and even though you're watching it, you like it's almost like when you're
driving and all of a sudden you're like, whoa, I've been driving for like 10 miles.
How did I get this far?
I know I was looking at the road and paying attention, but I don't remember the drive.
There were times in this movie where I feel like that happened.
I feel like some of it was like with those moments because like I don't remember the
end because that was the most like heavy CG I remember in this movie.
And it didn't seem terrible.
It just like the whole movie was so bad.
It didn't make it seem good either.
So I don't I think they dropped a majority of it.
It feels like they dropped a majority of their budget on the sequences where they were in
suits.
Yeah.
So like the last three minutes.
Yeah.
I mean, well, you got that moment at the beginning where they were in their suits for a little
bit.
Okay.
That's true.
And I just talked me down some because now that I'm thinking about it, those times in
the suits were very like PlayStation 2 cut scene.
I will give you that.
That was supposed to be like the whole jam of like why we care about this movie happening.
And they're like, it's kind of fuzzy.
It's like foggy.
I don't understand why it's not vivid.
Like why don't you make us as scared as him and make this very vivid and very like, oh
no.
But instead they were like, what if you you were just squinting and seeing all this happen?
This is where I felt like the horror sequence would have like really helped because instead
of just show like I think it would have been cool to like have them in like shadow and
then not see their faces until like later.
Yeah, like having have most like almost come out of the shadows.
And then it's like these like he's being haunted by these three faces.
Like it's but before that you get just like terrifying spider sequences.
And I think you could have done that with with their stuff.
Like if he's like if he's freaking out like have like Maddie's character with the frickin
like the Doc Ock arms like grab him and like pin him up against the wall.
And then like he like escapes or whatever.
Like again, not seeing any of their faces.
Then like he runs out and then gets like blasted from the side by like Julia's like taser webs
things.
I think you could have done some really cool stuff with that.
And that's not what this movie was about.
Okay, this movie wasn't about cool things happening.
It was just about things happening and happened.
They did wasted potential.
Yeah, that's ultimately what it comes down to.
I was gonna say I don't know how to rate this for effects because like I don't think they
were terrible, but I also don't think they were anything that I really care about.
Like honestly, the way there's most of this movie was you almost didn't need effects at
all.
Like you wouldn't have needed them other than like with her having a vision.
Like there wasn't a lot of him jumping around.
It was usually like it was like in that subway scene where you just kind of like saw like
flashes of him and it clearly looked practical to me.
So I don't know.
I don't know how to rate this.
The way that I'm going about this is my average among average score is 75 and working from
there.
And I think it was a little bit below.
So I'm not giving it 75.
I'm going to give it like a 74.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna meet you there because I think that's yeah, I think that's fair.
I think I'm just gonna be a little below you guys at a 72.
And mosquito sorry.
Oh, I thought like cable smells like damn it, bro.
It's really giving it that low.
You just want to be lower on all the scores with us.
But it was your kid trying to come in the room.
You're like, no, get out of here.
No I'm out in the shop now.
Oh, yeah, you can get crazy out there.
Oh, yeah, I can be as loud as I want.
I'm actually going to be building out like an office space and one on my shop is huge.
That's awesome.
Yeah, we not sure if you've heard but I recently bought a house.
Yes, I did.
So yeah, I came with a big shed and I'm utilizing that space to its fullest potential.
Wait, now here's the most important question.
Is there some kind of air conditioning in there?
Conditioning?
Okay, good.
It's actually going right now.
I'm glad you can't hear it.
No, not at all.
Sweet.
But yeah, like I got a fan going cooler or an AC unit garage door so I could bring my
car in here and work and not get eaten alive by gnats.
That's pretty sick.
Excuse me.
Just for shits and giggles and it's actually how I watched this movie.
I went out and purchased a projector and I watched the movie on the projector with surround
sound so I am living it up.
I need a better projector.
It doesn't show greens very well but everything else is pretty sick.
Yeah, anyway, moving on over to music.
This had a few good songs.
Name two.
You said a few.
Okay, well it had toxic and I laughed.
It was with the I don't know the name of the song off the top of my head.
End credits?
No that one was I like that one too.
Smash out to cranberries is the craziest decision you could ever make.
No, the shit.
What's it called?
Oh, I think we're alone now song when they were in the when Cassie was waking the girls
up in the motel.
I started laughing super hard because it made me think of Ted and I like almost like wanted
to get up and started like mimicking this dance because I was I was drinking.
I had a freaking Caprice son out here so I was like maybe no one else is out here.
Like I am absolutely alone in here.
Listen, the smash out to cranberries is a great name of a cranberries cover band.
So anyone out there take it if you want it.
But smash cutting the cranberries is again, one of the most 90s thing you could possibly
do.
I'm just saying I don't know when that song came out.
But it's if I told you as the 90s, you'd believe me.
Yeah, I mean, even including those songs, I don't think the soundtrack was anything
crazy impressive.
I probably I'm probably at a seven personally.
I'm just gonna match you with that because I know I'm yeah, you can give it whatever
you want.
Like it averages out now.
I'm gonna go to that.
But I just seems too close to musical masterpiece to put it in a sentence.
I wish I could label like I wish it would let me label the middle ones too.
Because like five I was I just had it down as like soundtrack.
Yeah, I'm at a six just because of toxic.
If it wasn't for that, I'd be at a five.
All right, damn.
All right, next up we got costumes.
The only good part of the movie, except for Madame Web's costume, which I hated.
Okay, her glasses up close were bullshit.
But the suit itself wasn't half bad.
I do I hated her suit.
I thought it looked dumb.
But does it if it's only on there for 45 seconds?
Like, does that really count as a costume?
Fair.
She wore it.
But like, I don't know, maybe because I mean, the only the what's the word exposure I've
had to Madame Web is from the 90s Spider-Man series, which to my grave, I will say is the
best Spider-Man series ever.
And so that's the only version of Madame Web I know.
And yes, I know her in this one, her suit is red.
But it just it doesn't look right compared to how it looks in the 90s Spider-Man.
Just I wasn't vibing with it.
And yeah, with the glasses, especially, like you say, Caleb close up.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, they were rough.
I like because I saw him like at a distance first.
And I was like, I don't know what the hell Rose is talking about.
Those don't look that bad.
And then it zoomed up and I was like, oh, shit.
It looked like some crazy like like someone was like, I want to cosplay as Cyclops from
the X-Men.
And this is the closest thing I could get to one of those visors.
So here we go, buddy.
I'm Cyclops Cyclops on a budget.
That's you know, it made me think of the the South Park episode where they were being taught
by a ski instructor.
And they just like, listen, if you like, they were teaching the kids like pizza to stop
French fry to go.
And then they're like, if you pizza when you want a French fry, you're going to have a
bad time.
And that's kind of what I was like mimicking in my head because like her goggles were huge.
Yeah, that was goofy as hell.
Like that was clearly put together by someone who is blind.
Like, if anything, they got a photo realistic to a blind person wouldn't care how stupid
they looked.
The I will say the girls suits look pretty cool.
Yes, I will give you that.
This screen time count, though, like, do we count that for anything?
Because so it's more like grading on a curve with that because it's just like they are
technically costumes that were in the movie, so we kind of include them.
Like if they if these would have been the suits in the movie, like all throughout, I
probably would be sitting around like eight or nine.
Well, it dawns on me right now.
You know why they couldn't have that movie with them doing all that nonsense, right?
It's because what would Dakota Johnson be doing other than like, all right, girls, I'll
wait here and I'll tell you if anything crazy is going to happen later.
I'll do your thing.
Go get them tigers.
Yeah, I've actually like.
OK, I'm just going to like come out.
I'm given the costumes a seven as well because I actually really liked the red leather jacket
that she wore.
Like I like just it was including that bit of red and.
It matches with like previous versions of Madame Webb that I've seen.
They like they have a version of Madame Webb where she wears like red sunglasses.
They're not like frickin ski instructor glasses.
They're like just normal or what you'd imagine normal like sunglasses to be like, but they're
red and she wears a red leather jacket with like a black spider on it.
And then she's usually wearing jeans or or something.
So it fit with the costume that I'm familiar with of her origin.
So I like that.
And then I'm.
Like that, I would probably be sitting at like a six, but I'm given a bonus point for
the the girls outfits like their suits.
And you also I'm also taking into consideration.
I actually really liked Ezekiel's suit.
All right.
I said I could be I told myself I could be talked up from a five and you did it.
I'm actually going to be at Caleb's level seven.
Hell yeah.
I can't I can't give less than five minutes of screen time for those suits and individually
even less time than they get as a whole.
I can't do it.
I cannot.
It's not the way it's not just the future like the next day.
It's like 10 years from now.
So no, by the way, here's a question I have.
So is she just going to start biting them?
Like how are they going to get their power?
That's a great question.
I'm assuming she knows how they're going to get their powers and maybe just won't tell
them otherwise it like alters the future.
I mean clearly because she knows Ben's brother and wife are going to die.
How shitty how shitty is it that she's keeping that secret from her basically her best friend
that's pretty it's pretty hilarious guys.
Come on.
Company movie about jokes.
I'm a little aggravated that they didn't try to introduce a May.
Yeah it's dumb that he they wouldn't let him say her name and that they wouldn't say Peter
either.
Mike guys, it's the reason why we're here.
Like the fact that they hid them saying Peter with like the balloon popping at a that was
so stupid.
So dumb.
It almost like the way that they hit it though where she guessed.
Oh, is it Ben?
And she's like, no, it's and then the balloon pop.
I was like, she that felt very defensive.
Like is Peter Parker actually Uncle Ben's kid?
Yeah.
Why would you say I know it was just like it was so sudden her like her reaction to
like just felt like no, like I think I'm trying to hide something.
I think I'd rather see that story than this story.
It's about multiverse.
Yeah, Uncle Ben sleeps with his sister-in-law.
Good times.
All right.
Last up, we got our own personal scores.
So anyone want to take this first?
I'll do it because I'm probably going to be the nicest to this movie.
I'm actually going to give it a 70 because actually, you know what?
No, I want it to get a solid C for me.
I'm going to give it a 75 because even though I have said everything I said about this movie,
I would watch it again.
Like I would watch this movie again just to just to see what I missed during the shock
of this movie the first time.
Like it's it was so I don't know.
We were talking I was trying to tell you guys a little bit about poor little things before
we started and not spoil anything.
But this this gets out of me the same kind of like morbid fascination of like what could
possibly happen next?
Like this movie starts like imagine knowing nothing about Spider-Man or maybe even a little
bit about Spider-Man and then watching this movie.
This movie gives you nothing and is like you will be happy about it.
And also it's going to end like it started with nothing like this movie does everything
and nothing all at once.
And it's kind of fascinating to me that it exists at all because of all the movies we've
missed out on.
Like I'm thinking of like that Wile E. Coyote ACME movie that we almost had that they finished
and they're like no lol just kidding.
Like they didn't want to put out that movie but they did want to put out this movie.
And that to me is crazy.
This must be some kind of tax evasion something like this movie is just fascinating to me
because it shouldn't be like this is a movie that should have gone to the cutting room
floor.
What was the Brendan Fraser Batman movie the Batgirl that movie?
Why didn't we get that movie?
Why did we get this instead of Batgirl?
Who will ever know?
And I wanted there's it just boggles my mind.
Plus again I watched Dune part one so everything is kind of greater.
All right Rose.
Okay so I think I'm gonna have to disagree with DJ on all front on all points.
As well you should.
No I'm sorry this is just a horrible movie in my opinion.
There's no saving graces for it.
I remember I saw this in theaters with my buddy Ryan and I was wishing that we could
actually like talk and like laugh more out loud for how bad it was but there were other
people in the theater but like many times throughout I would we would literally lean
over to each other be like did you like can you believe that dialogue?
Can you believe that the guy's mouth is not matching what he's saying?
Just just everything is bad in this movie I feel like the suits are good but like DJ's
got a point they're barely in it like literally two scenes and like the actors I feel are
trying with what they get what they've got but just it just doesn't work so this I this
my this is probably in like my top three worst superhero movies that I have ever seen might
be the worst.
So personally I think I'm gonna go a 61.
Damn yeah listen I'm not saying that that is not the correct answer I'm just saying
I just didn't I can't believe I didn't hate this movie more to be honest with you.
I what?
Okay you know what I'm gonna go up one.
Don't go change oh go one up one.
Yeah I'm gonna go 62.
I didn't hate this movie nearly as thought as maybe it's because my expectations were
like below zero that anything that they did was just kind of like I mean it could have
been worse like I think that's that probably could have been the subtitle for this this
movie Madame Web not as bad as it could have been.
By the way Madame Web it's not Saltburn because Saltburn was the worst movie in this I'm sorry.
DJ's hatred for Saltburn is like the best thing ever.
It's real it's a real thing.
So I yeah I didn't dislike it I didn't love it by any means I do feel like there's the
potential for a good movie was there I don't think a great movie was in there but a good
one was and I think that unfortunately I think if I do re-explore this it is to just go and
analyze what could have been done better and it's just gonna be me critiquing like oh this
is what I would have done like it would be basically talking through it being like pretentious
as all hell like this is this is what I would have done if I was in charge of this movie
like I do with basically every episode of our Marvel movie.
I feel like like if there's anywhere where I like excel creativity wise it's like taking
an idea and trying to improve it in some way I don't know if I like my creating stuff from
scratch is any good like sure it is I mean we'll see dude uh total side note I am very
excited to re-listen to our Fantastic Four Dreamcast when that movie comes out because
it seems like they're gonna go along with what I thought they were going to.
Like the cast is completely different than what I thought but this the if they're going
like into that like 70s era or 60s 70s like that's exactly what I thought the I remember
that yeah that's awesome yeah so anyway that will remain to be seen but yeah I I think
I'm gonna be at like a 71 with this I don't I don't know if I could go any higher I like
it doesn't feel right to go any lower or higher with that I enjoyed yeah make me out to be
the asshole hey listen I'm right there with you because I went higher so alright well
oh yeah sorry yeah you gotta submit your scores figure out where this is at I'm sorry I didn't
do it either Rose I'm sorry yes I did it now though so if it didn't come through then I'm
not doing it again gonna have to re-listen no it did alright so going through these scores
starting off with story we ended up averaging out to a 67.67 yes the writing is sitting
at a 68.33 yes acting is sitting at a 66 ah man we're not gonna crack the 70s in any of
these huh character development is sitting on the same level as story sitting at a 67.67
higher than it deserves the effects are sitting at a 73.33 okay I want to double check something
real quick because I don't think sorry there was one thing that wasn't adding up right
music is sitting at a six out of ten the costumes are sitting at a seven out of ten and then our
personal score ended up averaging out to a 69.33 a so with that the final all bros an untrained
eye letter grade for madam web has come out to a C minus goal I didn't say this but was
to make this a C movie I cannot believe that it happened dude no freaking way I would have
sworn for sure that this was going to get a D plus that's what I thought too I was I
was striving for it that is fantastic I like the rating system again all right so you gotta
go below below first and then above above is gonna be it's gonna taste delicious oh
shit all right so this is sitting at a 70.91 percent overall hilarious which is at a C minus
it is point nine percent away from being into the D plus range so there are only three movies
below it that are C minus movies before it goes into the D plus range so we're doing
what it's below first yes what it's below first okay so first off it is below Star Wars
the last Jedi okay yeah I mean yes it is below rebel moon wow I think I enjoyed this more
than rebel moon yeah let's see it is below Morbius that's fair it is below Dark Phoenix
wow Dark Phoenix up there huh that's wild that is too high I can agree with that though
I think I enjoyed Dark Phoenix more and it is below Space Jam a new legacy Space Jam
is way too high I saw most of that movie and it was not good oh the difference between
Madame Web and Space Jam a new legacy is three percent wow that's dude space I don't agree
with Space Jam legacy that needs to be firmly in the D category somewhere anywhere is fine
but all right you ready to hear what it's above am I gonna quit the show you just might
alright 70.91 it is sitting above cats okay yeah that's fair I haven't seen cats but that's
hilarious this is gonna be controversial as all hell it is above Zack Snyder's Justice
League I mean I saw the first 30 minutes and I agree all right now we're in the D plus
range because Zack Snyder's Justice League is our bottom C minus it is above 2019's Charlie's
Angels yeah yeah it's suck don't please don't watch it it is above Justice League hilarious
yeah okay it is above do little yeah oh the art joint yeah and finally it is above the
OG Friday the 13th huh all right that was interesting I remember the last time we were
near this area I was surprised that OG Friday the 13th was so low I get it I understand
why but I still don't get it I don't understand why so our like RC mine it likes RC minus
is pretty like we don't have very many C minus movies we have a decent amount of C's a decent
like a good portion of C minuses a lot of B's B minuses B pluses like those are pretty
high our D pluses D's and D minuses we have four D pluses two D's and two D minuses and
three F's man so the margins there that I mean they're not quite as as tight because
we don't review horrible movies very often I feel like that's been my thing the last
couple times I've been on the show is us reviewing movies that are not good yeah I mean last
one was Rebel Moon yeah yeah before that was Chronicles of Narnia that's true yeah Narnia
was higher higher not a good not as good definitely better in my mind than it was in real life
though but hey listen Madame Webb was a C minus and that's all that matters for all
of you out there in all bros land we did it we did it for the boys made this movie from
the 90s relevant again hey hey Caleb question see now sometimes we re re regrade movies
yes is it possible that we can re do an episode where we regrade Zack Snyder's Justice League
because I will say I do feel like that is one that kind of got shit on because we had
guests on with that one that hated the movie yeah and from what I remember we did not hate
it no we so I think if I remember correctly like our scores alone would have put Zack
Snyder's Justice League at like a C plus okay yeah they they like failed it yeah and so
it brought it down to a C minus so I'd love to throw that into the the hat of episodes
where we regrade movies and give them the grade that they actually deserve we can't
live stream that one wait what we can't live stream that one like we did with the other
three oh yeah that's true we're not doing a four hour stream of Zack Snyder's Justice
League come on man just put it into two parts you can just regrade it you don't need the
whole rigamarole yeah but yeah now that we have it split into categories we could find
out like where it's sitting within like the Marvel Sony universe which surprise surprise
is at the bottom whoa shocker oh wait Madam Web is or Justice League is so yeah on our
rating system now like since I've I've gone in and updated it we can add categories to
the movies and so with Marvel movies or just so I have it split up into like Ghostbusters
Transformers like so I have it split up where it's we can do like Marvel Marvel like so
I have it like Marvel MCU Marvel Sony and Marvel what's the other one animated or something
no oh Marvel legacy so that's like X-Men Spider-Man blade like those ones so we can search it
by by that now which has been super fun but like I added that on so we like if we wanted
to see like oh where something ranked in a very specific category so like overall like
if we do Marvel this is at the bottom of the list but yeah so like in order of moving up
the list it's Madam Web then more at the bottom then Morbius Dark Phoenix Venom Ant-Man and
the Wasp Spider-Man Venom Let There Be Carnage New Mutants and then getting into Love and
Thunder and hold on Let There Be Carnage ranked better than the first Venom movie yeah that
I 3% nope that's wrong that's not wrong I'd have to rewatch the movie but I'm pretty sure
I stand by that no you don't I can't accept that terrible that's a bad take I watched
all over again I watched Let There Be Carnage semi recently and god that movie was not it
like Venom was so much better than Let There Be Carnage and they were both terrible I don't
know man all right let's do it right now let's go Venom no okay all right well I can pull
up and see what what happened with Venom no it's just you're wrong that's all he has to
say is this we're wrong Caleb we're wrong I don't know I don't know why I didn't like
it Let There Be Carnage seemed very boring not boring but like I don't know it was just
it didn't move as quickly as I would have liked it to plus I feel like what's his face
Woody Harrelson's wig was terrible like come on guys get a budget or what was it that yeah
I wasn't gonna be that as well yeah they were pretty neck-and-neck the only place where
one differed from the other was the effects and then the music and costumes were better
and then I think our personal scores were a bit higher for that too just so so we liked
Let There Be Carnage more we thought that they had better effects better music and better
costumes and everything else was pretty neck-and-neck like the story was the exact same the writing
there was a difference of three points and then character development we actually thought
Let There Be Carnage was worse so I mean pretty neck-and-neck it was just those few things
bumped it up I humbly disagree yeah but anyway so that's where the where madam web is sitting
and I gotta say I don't totally disagree I just agree with the Justice League the the
Zack Snyder one not just asleep yeah that was a tough sell but I really I really hope
people come out of the woodworks to be like DJ you are a stupid idiot for this how could
you let this happen it's only you why this is a seat because by the way I am the only
reason this movie is to see anything and it's hilarious that it made it by what would you
say nine tenths of a percent made it into see yeah well you act so you graded mean you
like were equal on writing you were nicer ought to with the acting you were meaner on
the character development tied with me on effects lower than are you in rows were equal
on music then you were actually lower on costumes and then your personal score was just higher
than ours so it's not like you were like overly nice to it like you had categories where you
were meaner just saying this was a C movie I knew it from the very beginning alright
well I believe that wraps up this week's breakdown and this has been a very fun one so thank
you DJ for joining us on this one would you like to tell everyone where they can find
you and your show when you decide to come out of your home if you would like to hear
me and my beautiful wife speak to each other there are still old episodes up you can look
up the untrained eye EYE anywhere wherever you're listening right now type in the untrained
eye we're there it's a purple thing you'll see a thing and we're talking on it at untrained
eye pod anywhere mainly Instagram but I'm usually just creeping around I might post
a story here and there but usually just looking at stuff and you can find me at my house just
hanging out playing the new Prince of Persia the lost crown very good I highly recommend
it I've seen that is that one on game pass right now it is not as far as I know I just
went on it was like when it came out it was like 50 bucks but it went it came out in January
and then like over the past like week it went on sale for like 30 bucks and I it was 30
bucks on Amazon like for a physical copy so I was like you know what I'll go physical
for this one and I bought it and I have not put it down since it arrived at my home nice
yeah I've been that way with Far Cry 6 lately like I've been freaking obsessed good on you
I downloaded it I played 10 minutes of it and was like goodbye uninstall never again
sorry Juan Carlos Pazito you can't do it for me there is oh he's good he's he's got some
good shit later on in the game but I also the type of person that will go in and I try
to clear everything to make it really easy on myself with the stories and it's hilarious
because I've cleared out almost every single base and then I do a mission and it's just
it's supposed to try and make it harder for you and so it's like oh the military presence
is more and so it'll bump it up a little bit by like a point and I'm like okay cool I've
already cleared out like 90% of these bases what was it I think the last thing I've been
playing on Xbox that I just finished was cyberpunk 2077 very good I got two of the bad endings
though like there's at least three endings and the two endings I got not the good ones
I don't think so there you go yeah all right um so next week we don't know what we're going
to do yet so we will figure that out and so next week's episode will be as much of a surprise
for you guys as it is for us yeah Monkey Man isn't that movie coming out the Monkey Man
was that movie called yeah that one's coming to Netflix right no I don't know oh it looks
great yeah okay but anyway so yeah you guys can look forward to that next week I will
post links to everything that DJ does in the description if you liked our episode wanted
to listen to more of our stuff be sure to follow and subscribe everywhere you listen
to podcasts we are basically everywhere same thing with social media Facebook Twitter Instagram
everything we're also on our website tinyurl.com forward slash the all bros you can find links
to everything that we do on there so until next week this has been the all bros podcast
featuring DJ from the untrained eye and we'll catch you guys next week this is see you oh
you're late bye bye sorry see you real soon