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Hi everyone and welcome back to Airway First, a podcast from the Children's Airway First

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Foundation.

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I'm your host, Rebecca St. James.

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My guest today is Angie Weber.

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Angie is the mom of twins, a wife, a podcast host, and is the creator of the Parent Toolbox.

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On a mission to break generational cycles, Angie has taken her knowledge of natural products

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and the therapeutic techniques she learned through her own healing journey to provide

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parents with more tools and tricks for their parenting toolbox.

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You can find out more about Angie at theparenttoolbox.info.

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And now let's jump into my interview with Angie Weber.

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All right.

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Thank you so much for being on the show today, Angie.

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I really appreciate it.

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Well, I'm so honored to be on here and to be able to hopefully share some really great

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tips with your listeners.

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So thank you for having me on.

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Absolutely.

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Before we dig in, and I do want to start with your personal journey just so everybody understands,

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I don't think, and we were talking about this earlier, for most people this is going to

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be a real obvious connection to what we do with airway and sleep-related disorders for

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children.

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But what drew me to you was when I found you and your website, I started thinking about,

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you know, we've had a campaign where we've talked about, it's back there, the impact

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of airway and sleep disorders on children.

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You know, it is physiological.

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There is a brain component to it, and there is an emotional component to it that people

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just don't realize you go through this and it just kind of beats you down.

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You know, speaking as somebody that lives with an airway disorder, it beats you down.

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You know, when you have to go back to the doctor, you have to go back for treatments

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and do this and that.

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And then, you know, not only that, which I know, so we'll be touching on that, but as

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parents of children with airway and sleep disorders, you just feel like you're on this

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island by yourself.

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You know, what do you do?

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How do you help your children?

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What's the right reaction?

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How do I help myself?

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You know, so that's really what we're going to be talking about today, just so parents

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kind of understand where we're coming from.

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So let's jump in, and I would like to start with your own personal story and your journey

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that has led you to your website and your podcast, of which we'll put links all throughout

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our show notes.

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Awesome.

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Yeah.

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So my journey really started because I was trying to heal from some trauma that had happened

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in my life a few years ago, and I was, you know, using some of the tools that I still

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share and I was going to therapy, you know, pretty regularly, but I just felt like there

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was a piece missing and it really came in to me, I think in the summer of 2021, when

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I was like, there's something wrong within me and I need to do the hard work, unfortunately,

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to fix it because it's not going to be anything anyone else says or does that's going to be

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able to fix that.

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I have to figure out how to do this myself.

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And being a more holistic person to, I was trying to avoid if possible medication on

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my journey.

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And so one of my girlfriends actually introduced me to this thought of doing an outpatient intensive

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treatment program.

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And typically when we think of a treatment program, we think like, oh, you went for

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drugs or alcohol or something like that.

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But this program actually was specifically for anxiety, depression and PTSD.

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And so when they say it was intense, it was, it was the hardest thing, the scariest thing

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I've ever done.

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And I was just talking to my husband last night about it actually, and it was the absolute

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best thing that I could have done.

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I learned so many foundational pieces that were just unfortunately not taught on how

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to manage our emotions and our mental health and really figuring out like how all of this

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is interconnected within our body and our mind.

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And so I just started using so many of these tools and they were making such a difference

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not only in my life, but also in my kid's life.

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And it was like, oh my gosh, more people need to know about this.

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So since 2018, I have been educating full time about essential oils and helping people

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make more positive, healthy choices in their homes.

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And so I did a class called the parent toolbox.

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And it really brought together these therapeutic techniques that I had learned and also these

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more holistic options that we can kind of pair together because I just really wanted

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to share the information and give people some resources and tools that they could be using

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to see good results as well.

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And after the class, so many parents said to me, well, why aren't we taught this before?

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Like why aren't they sharing this in schools when we're younger or even moms who are empty

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nesters that said, I really wish I would have had these tools when my kids were younger

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because I think they probably thought all I did was yell.

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And so that was, you know, which I think a lot of us can can relate to.

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And that's never the thoughts that you want to have when you think back on your parenting

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journey or, you know, you assume that your kids, that's all they remember when most of

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the time it's not.

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I mean, if you ask the kids, you know, we went on, we went camping a couple of weekends

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ago and I definitely got pushed to like my limit at some points.

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And I later talked to my kids and said, you know, I'm sorry, mom and dad got frustrated

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and you know, we're kind of cranky and my daughter's like, what are you talking about?

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You know, so thankfully kids are pretty, pretty graceful for us more than they probably should

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be.

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But that was kind of the whole start of this is I just felt this need to get this information

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out there.

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And so I say that I really am on a mission to break these generational parenting cycles.

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And I don't say that to put shame on any generation before us.

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It's just that they did the best with the tools that they had.

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But that doesn't mean we have to carry those tools with us on our own parenting journey.

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Right.

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And I will tell you, it's funny, your, your monetary or your mission to break those generational

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cycles is one of the first things that grabs me.

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Yeah.

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We've all had stuff growing up, right?

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And so we all, it's like, oh, I don't want to do that.

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I don't want to do that.

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But it's interesting because, you know, listening to some of, some of your podcasts, there are

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things that, you know, you talk about, we gotta get rid of this guilt, this mom guilt.

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Cause I'll tell you what, I've carried it all moms carry it, right?

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And it's just, you know, to what extent.

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And I think part of it is, you know, cause there are moments where you catch yourself

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and you can hear your mom's voice coming out of you and you go, no, I don't want to say

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that.

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So I think that's, I think it's fantastic.

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And it is something that.

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Like you said, don't have guilt, we don't know.

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And we say this a lot on this podcast, you know, especially in medical professionals

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come in and we're talking about different diagnoses and things.

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And we could have seen some of these airway issues earlier and we didn't catch them, but

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we didn't know.

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So to me, this falls in the same bucket.

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You're right.

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No one teaches this stuff growing up.

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They don't teach you in the home act.

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They don't teach you in any other class in school.

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They don't teach you in the baby classes.

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They teach you what to do with the baby, but not, you know, not how to do this.

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So let's just, let's start with some basics out of the gate.

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Because one of the things that parents deal with stress and anxiety that comes with all

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of this, right?

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Both for their children and for themselves.

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You know, your, your, your kid is, you've just figured out, wow, your child has a breathing

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disorder.

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There's function of some kind.

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And you're working with a myopunctional therapist maybe, or they just had the tongue tie release

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or whatever your particular situation is and it's stressful for the, for the child.

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And it's all these different emotions that are floating through them.

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And then as a parent, now you're dealing with it.

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What are some tools that, that we could use just as parents to calm and kind of center

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and ground ourselves or with our children?

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Yeah.

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Well, there's so many.

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And I just kind of want to make a caveat that when we do this work and a lot of the

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parents that I work with, you know, of course they come and want to do like parent coaching

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with me because they're like, my kid is doing this or that or, you know, they're having

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this behavior.

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How can I, what can I do to fix that?

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When in reality, a lot of the times it's that unfortunately we have to re-parent ourselves.

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Because like you said, sometimes we hear those things come out of our mouth that we just

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like instantly want to grab back because we're like, Oh, no, that's my mom coming out or

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that's my dad coming out.

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And I said, I'd never do that.

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And so we were really, a lot of us grew up being like suppressing our emotions.

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So we were told, don't cry, don't worry about it.

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It's not that big a deal.

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Why are you upset?

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You shouldn't be so angry, whatever it was that you heard.

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And again, not guilt from our parents, but what that did is kind of like put a stop at

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us tuning into our own body.

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And instead of sitting in that uncomfortable feeling, we want to shove it down.

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And exactly, you don't really want to deal with it.

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So then when we come into situations where we're stressed out, we're probably going more

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towards what I like to call survival resources.

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So those are ways that we're just numbing out and trying to avoid versus trying to address

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the emotions that are coming up, especially when it comes around stress.

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And for your listeners in their situation, you know, I can't even imagine like having

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to go through so many different medical hoops and doctors.

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And I know that that also brings a layer of, you know, having to advocate for yourself

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and for your child, and that can be so challenging in the medical world as a mom.

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And so the biggest tool that I really like to educate my parents on is called the window

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of tolerance.

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And so there's some great videos out there.

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It was coined by Dan Siegel.

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He's a clinical professor.

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He explains it really well.

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I like to kind of break it down into more of a childlike version, just so it's a little

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easier to kind of understand.

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So I always tell people, pretend that you're standing straight, you know, in front of a

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window, you're standing confident, everything's good.

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When you're like that, this is where we're in our sweet spot of emotions when we're thriving,

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we're able to communicate, we're able to receive.

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And so if you're standing in front of that window, you can see that the grass is green

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and you can see the sun shining and you can hear the birds chirping and you can smell,

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you know, the dew on the grass or whatever it is, like that's again, where we're thriving.

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Now there's little things that are going to happen throughout our day, right?

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Because otherwise it'd be pretty mom boring, you know, so maybe your kid forgets their

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lunch or they spilled a glass of milk or, you know, you forgot something on the counter

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and you're on your way to work already.

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Like those little things happen.

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But what we really want to start paying attention to and start observing is when are we starting

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to get outside that sweet spot of emotions?

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And so there's two extremes that you can go to.

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You can go to hyperarousal, which I like to call high activation and compare that to if

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you were bouncing off the ceiling.

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So this is kind of our fighter flight mode.

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If you're bouncing off the ceiling, you're not going to be able to exactly tell what's

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going on outside that window because you're going to be moving too fast.

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The other extreme, we can be in hypoarousal or what I like to call low activation, which

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is our freeze mode.

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And that's like as if you were laying on the floor underneath the window, you're not really

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going to be able to see anything going out that way either.

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So what we can do is we can start tuning into our body so that we can be more proactive

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when these situations, these triggers and these emotions come up and we can start kind

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of taking a pause and saying, you know, what are my thoughts like right now?

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What kind of emotions are coming up?

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What kind of body sensations?

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What kind of body movement or urges am I having right now?

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Are any of my five senses dulled or are they heightened?

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And so we just start really kind of trusting our body to give us these cues and really

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listening to our intuition.

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And that's usually the first step.

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And like I said, unfortunately, we have to do this for ourselves before we can expect

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our children to do it because they are like little sponges and they will show us the best

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and worst parts of ourselves based on what they see.

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And so we really need to be practicing it before we can expect our kids to be practicing

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it.

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But once we start identifying those things, like let's say that it's in the morning and

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your child gets very anxious and stressed out in the morning and it's because you have

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to go to school or to daycare or wherever it is, you know, if you really step back and

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kind of start observing, maybe it's because you're trying to fit too much into a 20 minute

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window.

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Maybe that's the frustration that's happening.

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Maybe we need to lengthen that by 10 minutes, you know, so we can start kind of identifying

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these little things and we can also start using more healthy, safe resources or coping

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skills.

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So that's breathing, essential oils for anger.

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I love actually to talk about anger because I think it gets a really bad reputation where

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no feelings or emotions are bad.

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Everyone has them.

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And so when it comes to anger, for example, we don't have to bottle it up where we might

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just burst at the seams at some point.

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We can do things like push against a wall, scream into a pillow, stomp as hard as you

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can outside on the ground.

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Maybe you play the drums on the couch.

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There's so many little things that we can do to help release that energy and help us

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get back into that sweet spot of emotions instead of just trying to bottle them up, which is

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going to do more damage to your nervous system and possibly create more stress down the line.

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I agree wholeheartedly and especially that part about anger.

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That is such a misnomer.

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And again, like you said, it's what we were taught.

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I can't, you take it, you squish it down, but it does come out at the worst time.

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And I think as you said, you know, with kids, that was one of the first things I noticed

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as a parent was to see that come back to me where I would watch my children squish it down,

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all these things.

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And I'm thinking, wow, that's not good.

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But it's like you said, you have to kind of figure it out for yourself before you can

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mirror it and then help them process.

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Yeah.

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And again, it's not a mom guilt.

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We didn't know.

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It's how we were raised.

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So how are you going to know?

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How are you going to know?

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And it does have, as you mentioned, it does have physiological impacts throughout your

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body.

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Which I do want to mention, there is a podcast that I will put a link to in here where it

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talks about, and I apologize, I cannot remember her name, but I will find it, put a link,

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because it was really, really good.

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Your body remembers trauma.

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Unfortunately, yes.

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Yeah.

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And it has these lasting effects, which again, to me, is why this is such an important conversation

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to have, not just for helping ourselves, but our children.

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They're dealing with breathing issues and ADHD and all the other symptoms that come

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with that, the sleeping disorders.

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So I'd love to chat a little bit about that and some of the things that you learned during

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that podcast about what does that do to you?

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How does your body actually record and remember these things?

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Yeah.

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I mean, our body is this magnificent thing, right?

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Like there's so many things that it can do and it can create and it's just, it's an amazing

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thing and it's so complex.

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And so sometimes when we go through trauma, we think, okay, well, I'm done.

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I'm over it.

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It's all good.

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And then a couple of years later, you can be in the middle of a store and all of a sudden

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like something comes up, you're like, whoa, where did that come from?

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It's because our body, and there's a book called The Body Keeps The Score.

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I have not read it yet.

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It's very technical, I heard, and kind of science-y.

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And that's not necessarily my jam.

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So I haven't dug into it yet, but I have heard like some great things about it.

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And the thing is that, yes, the body does keep the score.

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Even if we think that we're over it, we've shut it off.

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We've tried to move past it super quick.

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It doesn't mean that it's still not stored in there.

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So our nervous system can be out of whack.

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It can be in our subconscious and maybe we just completely avoided it and we wanted to

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shut it off.

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But the truth is until we actually address it, until we do the healing around it, it

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can show up in multiple ways.

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It can show up in skin conditions.

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It can show up with our moods, our behavior, our stress level.

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And again, some days you're like, everything's good.

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I'm great.

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And then all of a sudden something clicks and it's like you're totally transformed back

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into that trauma and you're not really sure how it even comes up.

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And so I would just tell your listeners, especially with children who are going through these

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medical issues, really work on bringing that to the surface so they're not suppressing

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it, so that they don't have to sit hopefully in a therapist's office in their 30s trying

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to unpack all of that because it is a lot of hard work.

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Sure.

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Sure.

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Yeah.

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And especially another thing you don't realize, and again, this is personal experience.

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You have this child that's going through this and they're getting TMJ surgery and they're

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going through myofluminal therapy and all these things.

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And then you take them back to a doctor and they suddenly start acting kind of weird and

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you can't figure out why.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I mean, it's in there.

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It doesn't matter what age it was, it's in there somewhere and they don't maybe not

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have the words to express, hey, I've got some PTSD.

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That was super traumatic.

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I know I was like, hey, I can do this and I'm a little soldier through it, but that's

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a lot of load to carry for a little person.

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It definitely can.

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And when I was going through my trauma, I remember I had went to the doctor's office

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and they called me a couple of days later and I had no idea what they were talking about.

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I completely blacked out during that.

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I was so confused a couple of days later when they called me and I was like, what are you

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like, it was the craziest experience.

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I was like, what are you talking about until I like really looked at my calendar?

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I was like, oh my gosh, I did go to the doctors the other day and I didn't even remember anything

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from it.

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So imagine if these children are getting these medical procedures at a young age, like it

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doesn't mean just because they're young, they're not going to remember.

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It can be stored in their body still.

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And again, we have to try to help encourage and nurture them to work through that trauma

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so that it doesn't come up later in life if possible.

329
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Agreed.

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And the book that you mentioned, I do have, I would have to go to get highly recommended.

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We'll be linking it in the show notes for people because it is outstanding and it does.

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It really, like you said, just because you're little doesn't mean it's not in there.

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There's a lot in there.

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One of the things that you're also a huge advocate for has to do with more natural, holistic

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these kinds of treatments and support for your body and your mental well-being.

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And you talk a lot about natural options like essential oils.

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So for you personally, why is that such an important path?

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So I actually used essential oils when I was in labor with my twins.

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And so when I say, obviously, I don't know the hardships that all of your listeners go

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to with go through with the medical procedures and seeking medical advice for the specific

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issue.

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I remember when I was pregnant, I think we went through about seven different doctors.

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Like I was so adamant about being an advocate for myself and my babies even before they

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were here because I just didn't sit right.

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Some of the stuff they were telling me in my gut.

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And so I used essential oils just because someone in my birthing class was like, I heard

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they can work and I was like, I'll try anything.

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I'll stand on my head if I don't have to have a needle put in my back.

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So an epidural was always just something I was terrified of.

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So I used them during my labor.

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They were amazing.

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I was able to do an unmedicated natural birth with my twins.

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It was great, but I didn't have any support going forward about what do I do next.

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So we kind of went back to, you know, are just same old, same old, getting stuff from

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the stores, you know, grabbing stuff off the shelves.

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And then about when my kids were about a year old, I started doing more digging into like,

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what are we actually bringing into our homes?

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And I was focused mostly on the physical aspects of that.

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Like all these toxins that we're bringing into our home unknowingly because we think

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when we go to the store and it's on the shelf, everything is safe, right?

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It's not.

362
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:02,800
Right.

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It's not.

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Unfortunately, and we can see that throughout history of products, especially well-known

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products, you know, being pulled off the shelf and then they say, you know, oh, we

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reformulated it and all this kind of stuff, but it should be raising some red flags for

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you.

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And so, yeah, when my kids were about one, we started diving more into essential oils

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and started just kind of replacing items in our home.

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And at that point, I thought everything was fine or good enough.

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I mean, I thought we had the same amount of sick days as everyone else did.

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Nothing super odd of the ordinary.

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But then when we started using more natural products and essential oils in our home, I

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looked back and I was like, oh my gosh, we haven't had any sick days now.

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And I have more focus and I have more energy and I'm in a better mood.

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And so I kind of just like stood back and thought there's something to this.

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Like we need to start replacing more things because although the physical attributes of

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toxins can definitely lead to illnesses and, you know, the amount of exposure we have to

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that and we can't control everything.

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We can't eliminate all of it.

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00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,280
Yeah, but we can do the best we can in our homes.

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00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:17,200
And but then I started learning more about, okay, well, when we're using these toxins,

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00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:21,600
you know, they're creating unbalanced hormones and that's going to create more stress that

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00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:28,480
could create more weight gain that can create again, skin, you know, issues, brain fog,

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00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:32,320
stress, all these different things that are tied together.

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And so yes, I love educating people about essential oils and how easy it is to just

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make these simple swaps in their home to just be again, more proactive with our health because

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we live in a very reactive society of it is, you know, I have a stomach ache.

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I'm going to go take something for it now.

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I have a headache.

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I'm going to go take something for it now or whatever the case may be.

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00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:01,800
Instead, if we just started taking more of those proactive tips, which we were kind of

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00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:06,480
talking about before we even started recording, you know, about how working out and things

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00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:10,240
like that, those are proactive steps for our health because someone actually just shared

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00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:16,160
this on a meeting yesterday that a man without his health has one wish.

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A man with his health has a million wishes.

397
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Oh, and that really puts it because we never think anything's going to happen.

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But then once it does, then we have to go in that reactive state versus what if we were

399
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:36,200
just a little bit more proactive and that encompasses mentally, physically and emotionally.

400
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,200
Absolutely.

401
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:38,200
Absolutely.

402
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:39,200
And as you were talking, it's interesting.

403
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:44,280
I mean, so much just goes through my mind, which again, I'm going to tell parents over

404
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:48,040
and over, please go to your website because that's what happened when I went to your website.

405
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:51,040
I would find one thing and another thing and another thing.

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00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:54,160
There's a book I'm reading right now called Dirty Jeans and that's one of the things it

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00:23:54,160 --> 00:24:00,000
talks about that I don't want to quote it incorrectly, but it was over a million industrial

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00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:03,560
chemicals are out there.

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00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:10,320
And if you go to the CAS website where they catalog these things, you know, just acceptable

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00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:16,240
ones, there's over 350,000 in the US, in our homes, in the products, on the shelves, in

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the grocery store.

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You're listening to Airway First with today's guest Angie Weber.

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You can find out more about the Children's Airway First Foundation and our mission to

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00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:38,920
fix before six on our website at children'sairwayfirst.org.

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00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:43,520
The CAF website offers tons of great resources for parents and medical professionals, including

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00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:49,320
videos, blogs, our recommended reading list, comprehensive medical research, podcasts,

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00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:51,640
and so much more.

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00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:56,000
We also encourage parents to join the Airway Huddle, our Facebook support group which was

419
00:24:56,000 --> 00:25:00,440
created for parents of children with Airway and sleep-related issues.

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00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:06,080
You can access the Airway Huddle support group at facebook.com, backslash groups, backslash

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00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:07,920
Airway Huddle.

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00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,640
If you are a medical professional or parent that is interested in being a guest on our

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00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:16,920
show, shoot us a note via our contacts page on our website or send us an email directly

424
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:20,920
at infoatchildrensairwayfirst.org.

425
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:26,480
As a reminder, this podcast and the opinions expressed here are not a medical diagnosis.

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00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:43,320
And now let's jump back into my interview with today's guest, Angie Weber.

427
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:47,880
That's mind-blowing to me and I think about that when, you know, conversations I've had

428
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:55,200
with Dr. Susan Maples, for example, one of the things that impacts kids so strongly, allergies,

429
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:59,040
and we don't think about it, but if you have a chronic allergy, guess what?

430
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,440
Now your kid's a chronic mouth breather because their mouth's always going to be open to

431
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:04,520
Canberra, you know, and they're going to have sleep apnea.

432
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:05,520
And here we go.

433
00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:06,520
Now we've started the process.

434
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:14,000
You have a dysfunction that, like you said, if we just go back to the root cause, so,

435
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:18,760
you know, why not try to be a little more intentional with what we bring in the home?

436
00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:21,120
It's just, again, it's that shift, right?

437
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:25,320
If we can shift, you know, the kids will be able to shift.

438
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:26,320
Absolutely.

439
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:30,480
And it could possibly sound really overwhelming to some of your listeners of like, oh my gosh,

440
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:32,480
now I have to replace my home.

441
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:33,480
Yeah.

442
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:37,600
You know, and you need to kind of have it as a mentality of like, if you're trying to

443
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:42,600
eat healthier or maybe lose weight, if you decide I'm only eating broccoli and chicken

444
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:46,480
every single day for the rest of my life, you're going to give up after about day three

445
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:48,920
or you're going to be really crabby.

446
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:53,560
And so the same kind of thing, if you're trying to incorporate some more of these like parenting

447
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:57,920
techniques or natural products into your home, like just know every little step is still

448
00:26:57,920 --> 00:26:58,920
a step forward.

449
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,200
You don't have to replace every single thing.

450
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:05,800
You can start, for example, with the oil breathe at night to see if that helps your child throughout

451
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:10,120
the night more, you know, just start with one little step and then you get to decide

452
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:12,000
the pace of your journey.

453
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,000
I love that.

454
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,000
That is huge.

455
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:15,000
And yeah, absolutely.

456
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,680
Because in other words, it is overwhelming, especially when I'm finding the more you read

457
00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:24,560
and the more you find out, you're thinking, oh, I have so much to do.

458
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:30,800
Another thing that I really like that you mentioned, and I can't remember where I saw

459
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:36,120
this on your website, but we have to let our kids fall.

460
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:38,360
And again, I know a lot of people are like, what is that?

461
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:39,680
Have to do it anyway.

462
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:45,480
I think it actually has a lot to do with it because if we're, my opinion, so focused on

463
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:50,480
doing everything for them, you know, because you feel bad, they're having to go through

464
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:54,240
all this airway stuff or they're having to go through monofilamentation therapy.

465
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:58,920
I think there's a difference between supporting them and overcompensating going too far.

466
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:03,520
To me, this is a personal thing for me.

467
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:08,400
I have always believed that I wouldn't fall at home because that's where they learn.

468
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:15,280
But you know, why is this something that a piece of information that you honed in on

469
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:17,680
and that you advocate and teach to parents?

470
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,520
Why is this so important for us as parents to be doing with our children?

471
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:22,520
Yeah.

472
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:23,520
Yeah.

473
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:25,440
I absolutely love that you brought this up.

474
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:29,480
So even before I started doing all the parent tool box and parent coaching and the podcast

475
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:33,680
and all that, we had went to a sermon at our church and it was all about parenting.

476
00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,960
And he was talking about the different types of parents.

477
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:40,160
And of course, he brought up helicopter parents, but he also brought up a new term called lawnmower

478
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:41,160
parents.

479
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:42,160
Yeah.

480
00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:48,120
And so those type of parents try to mow out every single obstacle they can for their

481
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,680
child understandable, right?

482
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:52,040
Because we want to see our kids happy.

483
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:53,040
We want to see them thrive.

484
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:54,960
We don't want to see them suffer.

485
00:28:54,960 --> 00:29:00,280
Like I am guilty of this sometimes where I am so protective over my kids innocence

486
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:04,400
right now of their childhood where I'm like, you there's so many other things that you're

487
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:06,920
going to have to worry about as you get older.

488
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:08,360
Like I just want you to enjoy it.

489
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:10,120
So you know, end of school.

490
00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:11,120
Yeah.

491
00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:12,120
I have a paintball fight.

492
00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:13,120
Like I don't care.

493
00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:14,520
Like get messy, do whatever you want.

494
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,080
Like just enjoy it.

495
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:20,960
However, the problem that comes in here with this and he was explaining this sermon was

496
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:26,600
actually kind of triggered by an article that had come out at the time about professors

497
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:32,680
from colleges getting calls from their students parents saying, why did my kid get this great

498
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:34,800
in college?

499
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:36,280
And so yeah,

500
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:39,840
We try to like hold my face still.

501
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:40,840
I'm sorry.

502
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:41,840
Right.

503
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:42,840
Exactly.

504
00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:43,840
That visual reaction.

505
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:44,840
Yeah.

506
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:45,840
I'm not going to lie.

507
00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:48,920
Still have my mom make me doctor's appointment sometimes when I was in college, but I never

508
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:53,040
had her call a professor to see why I got a certain grade, you know, right?

509
00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:57,960
So the whole point of the sermon was with these lawn mower tactics.

510
00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:01,600
What's when we think we're doing really good for our children, what we're actually doing

511
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:05,320
is we're not letting them strengthen their suffering muscle.

512
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:09,680
And there is going to be a point where we are not there to mount the obstacles.

513
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:14,880
So if we do not teach them the strategies and these coping skills that are healthy and

514
00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:19,920
safe, if you're not there, they're not going to know what to do.

515
00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:24,280
They are going to get rejected at some point in their life, whether it's from a job, a

516
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:30,400
contest, a sport, a love interest, whatever it is, if they don't have those tools in their

517
00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:36,160
own toolbox to get over those failures and rejections, what are they going to do?

518
00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:39,920
I mean, there is a huge rise in mental health issues with children.

519
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:45,080
Unfortunately, there's a huge rise in suicide among children.

520
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:50,280
So if we're not having open, honest communication with them and allowing not only for them to

521
00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:55,440
fall and, you know, give them these tools, but also allowing them to see us fall to know

522
00:30:55,440 --> 00:31:01,000
that my parent is human too and look at they recovered from it, I can as well.

523
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:05,400
And again, being able to use these, I'm just such a huge advocate of making sure we're

524
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:10,720
using safe and healthy resources versus going to these survival resources that so many of

525
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:16,920
us do to numb out these issues where survival resources can look a lot of different ways.

526
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:22,200
But I mean, we can say drinking, smoking, gambling, bad relationships with food, all

527
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:23,600
these different things.

528
00:31:23,600 --> 00:31:25,680
They're lashing out, they have road rage.

529
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:30,920
Like let's start rebuilding our toolbox with healthy resources so that our kids can see

530
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:33,080
that and develop them on their own too.

531
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:36,360
So again, they don't have to rewire when they're in their 20s and 30s.

532
00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:38,280
Right, right, which is huge.

533
00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:41,120
And I will put a link in here in case parents haven't seen it.

534
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:43,400
We do have it on our website.

535
00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:44,400
And I don't want to get it wrong.

536
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:45,400
I can't remember.

537
00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:46,400
It was 2021.

538
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:48,400
I think it might have been 2022.

539
00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:54,560
But a surgeon general actually put out his report and said, children's mental health

540
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:58,360
is our number one focus.

541
00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:03,880
Because again, like you mentioned, the suicide rates are so incredibly high.

542
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:10,200
And the other part that is so interesting to me as a mom, to see it is the depression

543
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:11,200
and anxiety.

544
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:15,320
It's such a very, very different world.

545
00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:19,680
I've caught myself so many times where I have to step back and think, OK, yeah, I did

546
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:25,400
all these crazy things and I was in AP, all this stuff and did carry these crazy loads

547
00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:27,360
and worked two jobs and went to college.

548
00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:30,480
And it's a different world.

549
00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:33,920
So when we were able to come home, we came home.

550
00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:35,440
The whole world shut off.

551
00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:36,440
We were home.

552
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:39,360
If you were lucky, you had a phone in your room.

553
00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,480
But even then, right?

554
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,120
It's never off for them.

555
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:51,960
It's constant with social media and FaceTime and you name it, it's always on.

556
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:54,040
And they're not sleeping.

557
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:58,760
So we're all back to that, you know, bio functional impact.

558
00:32:58,760 --> 00:32:59,760
Yeah.

559
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,160
And they don't know how to deal with it.

560
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:03,160
Yeah.

561
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:07,960
And I say, I'm so glad that I did not grow up with social media.

562
00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:09,120
There are so many.

563
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:14,200
I just had a conversation with someone the other day about this and he was actually focused

564
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:17,160
a lot on Gen Z kids.

565
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:21,400
And you know, we were talking about social media and, you know, we do hear a lot of bad

566
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,520
things about social media.

567
00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:28,720
And one of my biggest platforms on it is don't try to overly protect your child by saying

568
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:32,240
you can't have social media because it is a different world.

569
00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:35,560
And they're just going to do it behind your back anyway.

570
00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:36,720
Exactly.

571
00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:41,600
And it's also going to be incorporated into their job at some point, like the future,

572
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:45,360
like all the AI stuff coming out, like they need to be on top of that because that's going

573
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:48,480
to have a huge impact on the career that they choose.

574
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:52,240
And so again, that's where these open, honest communications start happening.

575
00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:56,160
And you don't, you can still put boundaries and rules and expectations around these types

576
00:33:56,160 --> 00:33:57,160
of things.

577
00:33:57,160 --> 00:34:01,800
But we need to be able to actually talk about it with our kids versus just pretending like

578
00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:03,440
it's not there.

579
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:09,800
And of course, our mental health can be greatly impacted by social media, but I love that

580
00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:13,720
there's more conversations around anxiety and depression.

581
00:34:13,720 --> 00:34:18,440
I think that the pandemic definitely brought a little bit more to light about mental health.

582
00:34:18,440 --> 00:34:21,840
I've always been a huge advocate about mental health.

583
00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:26,400
I think that we have a long ways to go still, but I love that the conversations are being

584
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:27,400
started.

585
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:30,680
I think they just need to be identified a little bit more because I personally went

586
00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:34,120
into my program thinking I had really bad depression.

587
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:37,520
And once I started tuning into my body and figuring more things out, I'm like, oh, I

588
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:38,520
actually have really bad anxiety.

589
00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:40,920
I don't have that much depression.

590
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:44,120
It's anxiety that I've been feeling, but I was just mislabeling it.

591
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:45,120
Right.

592
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:46,120
Right.

593
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:50,720
And you learned holistic, healthy ways to deal with it, which I think is, is also hugely

594
00:34:50,720 --> 00:34:54,240
important, especially with these kids that are already dealing with all these other health

595
00:34:54,240 --> 00:34:55,240
issues.

596
00:34:55,240 --> 00:34:57,040
Let's not throw more on that.

597
00:34:57,040 --> 00:35:01,720
And we've talked a little bit about this opening communication and why it's so important.

598
00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:12,160
So just to explore that a little bit more, you have a child that is maybe dealing with

599
00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:19,720
some, I don't know, it could be PTSD because they've had maybe team J or some other earlier

600
00:35:19,720 --> 00:35:22,280
in their life surgery or something.

601
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,440
And they just remember it.

602
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:26,320
Or whatever it is that has set them off.

603
00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:30,280
And now, you know, here we are at this doorstep, they've got to go in and have malfunctional

604
00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:34,520
therapy or tongue release or a palate expansion, whatever it is.

605
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:40,600
Because as a parent, though, you know, this is going to increase their health span, which

606
00:35:40,600 --> 00:35:43,360
is what we want.

607
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:45,520
How do you have that kind of an open conversation?

608
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:47,920
You know, it's, you know, what kind of boundaries do you set up?

609
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,720
Because, you know, let's say you're talking to a five, six, seven year old, you don't

610
00:35:50,720 --> 00:35:53,200
want to terrify them either.

611
00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:54,200
Yeah.

612
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:55,200
Yeah.

613
00:35:55,200 --> 00:36:01,120
So, open and honest kind of communication is super important to start modeling when you,

614
00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:07,520
when they're as young as you can, honestly, because kids are going to remember these types

615
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:08,520
of things.

616
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:11,600
So when I talk with parents who maybe have teenagers, they say, well, why don't they

617
00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:12,600
want to talk to me?

618
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:16,360
I feel like something's wrong, but they won't share with me, you know, and it's because

619
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:20,960
we can't expect all of a sudden this light switch to flip when they get older.

620
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,840
And they are able to, you know, all of a sudden like, oh, I'm going to go talk to mom and

621
00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:28,120
dad about the issues that I'm having at school, even though we've never done that before, you

622
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:29,360
know, now I'm going to do it.

623
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:30,360
Right.

624
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,520
Like we need to model that from a very young age.

625
00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:36,040
And so when you're dealing with children who have like medical issues and it is a scary

626
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:39,480
thing, we don't want to scare them, but we also need to be honest with them.

627
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:44,160
Now one of the things is when we are having these conversations with kids, we need to stop

628
00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:45,920
talking.

629
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:54,760
We need to listen and we need to not overshare because we get so flustered and frustrated.

630
00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:58,600
We sit there and we think internally, oh my gosh, I'm really uncomfortable right now with

631
00:36:58,600 --> 00:37:00,920
this conversation and I'm not really sure what to say.

632
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:05,360
So I'm just going to word vomit all over them and then we give them way more information

633
00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:07,160
than they need to know.

634
00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:11,840
And so really, you know, starting a conversation of like, well, how are you feeling about this?

635
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:13,880
What do you know about it?

636
00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:15,360
What are you worried about?

637
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:16,800
And just let them talk.

638
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:23,280
And actually it's so funny because my daughter, she's so sassy sometimes that then she like

639
00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:25,560
she has these moments that I'm like, oh, it's working.

640
00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:26,560
It's working.

641
00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:30,240
And so a couple times in the last couple of weeks, she's come to me and wanted to talk

642
00:37:30,240 --> 00:37:34,120
to me about something and she will tell me, she'll go, mom, just let me talk.

643
00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:36,280
Okay, the floor is yours.

644
00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:37,960
Yeah, you got it.

645
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:41,320
So you know, don't overshare.

646
00:37:41,320 --> 00:37:45,840
We're not trying to scare them with different information, but we really need to tune into

647
00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:51,040
ourselves to see how we're handling the emotions of the conversation because emotions are very

648
00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:52,400
contagious.

649
00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:56,760
And that's why it's easy to get into these kind of battles with our kids, right?

650
00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,040
Like their emotions are high.

651
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:00,480
Our emotions start getting high.

652
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:01,480
Their emotions get higher.

653
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:02,480
Our emotions get higher.

654
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:05,080
And then all of a sudden it's like two brick walls trying to go at each other and it's

655
00:38:05,080 --> 00:38:07,160
going to accomplish nothing.

656
00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:14,960
And so like I said, validating their feelings and worries, listening and not word vomiting

657
00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:20,320
on them are super important so that you can continue to build that strong communication.

658
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:25,280
Because if you freak out, if you yell, maybe not even because you're angry, but out of

659
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:31,320
this place of fear, like let's say that your kid did something and in your mind, oh my

660
00:38:31,320 --> 00:38:35,160
gosh, they could have gotten so hurt, you know, they could have broken a bone or something

661
00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:36,640
could have happened.

662
00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:40,400
We project that onto our kids as if we're angry, but most of the time it's because we're so

663
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:41,400
fearful.

664
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:42,400
They're going to remember that.

665
00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:43,400
Sure.

666
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:45,600
And the next time something happens, they're going to say, ooh, I'm not going to go tell

667
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:46,600
mom about that.

668
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,920
Did you see how she freaked out last time about that?

669
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:53,920
So again, you can still set boundaries and expectations, but we really need to be an

670
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:56,960
inviting welcoming place for them to come with our issues.

671
00:38:56,960 --> 00:39:00,800
And if you don't know the answer at the time, that's okay.

672
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:04,240
Tell them, say, I'm not sure I need some time to think about this and I'm going to come

673
00:39:04,240 --> 00:39:05,320
back to it.

674
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:08,000
We use the parking lot method a lot here.

675
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:13,360
So if my kids come to you with a question and I'm not sure how to answer it or if it's

676
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:16,280
right before bedtime and you know, we feel like they're just trying to get out of bed

677
00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:18,640
every two seconds to ask us something.

678
00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:21,880
They'll say, you know what, we're going to put this in the parking lot until tomorrow

679
00:39:21,880 --> 00:39:23,080
and then we'll come back to it.

680
00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:24,440
So we'll visit it then.

681
00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:25,440
I love that.

682
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:33,600
And I would add to this because another thing I would think this would apply, you're going

683
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:39,480
to these doctor visits with your child and they're nervous.

684
00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:40,840
Don't oversell it either.

685
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:44,200
Don't be this like crazy hype woman that's going to be great.

686
00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:45,880
It's going to be blah, blah, blah.

687
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:49,160
Yeah, maybe let them have those feelings.

688
00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:52,800
And to me, I would think if you can see that, maybe you're in the car with them or something

689
00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:53,800
the other way.

690
00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:58,720
That would be a good time to express instead of over sharing or hyping them up too much.

691
00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:02,280
How are you feeling and talk to them a little bit before?

692
00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:03,280
Yeah.

693
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:08,960
And even asking them like specific questions of like, you know, is anything happening in

694
00:40:08,960 --> 00:40:10,120
your body right now?

695
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:12,600
Is your stomach tight?

696
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:13,840
Are you kind of fidgety?

697
00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:19,960
Like kind of doing a deeper dive because we also have to educate our kids on their emotional

698
00:40:19,960 --> 00:40:20,960
vocabulary.

699
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:21,960
They're not born with it.

700
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:22,960
We weren't born with it.

701
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:27,480
And so we really need to work on how can we start identifying these different emotions

702
00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:31,840
and things in our children by helping them understand it a little bit more.

703
00:40:31,840 --> 00:40:35,520
And I was driving my daughter to a birthday party the other day and she had asked me if

704
00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:38,720
I was going to stay and I was like, well, no, I'm going to come back home because she wouldn't

705
00:40:38,720 --> 00:40:40,320
have noticed if I was there anyways.

706
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:42,400
Like she's such a social butterfly.

707
00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:45,280
But I just got this sense that she was kind of worried about something.

708
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:48,360
So when we were driving there, I said, you know, Addy, are you anxious about going to

709
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:49,360
this party?

710
00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:52,760
And she goes, well, mom, what does that mean?

711
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:56,440
And so I said, oh, you know, like how we looked in that book one time and like sometimes

712
00:40:56,440 --> 00:41:00,840
our stomach can get tight, maybe get kind of flushed.

713
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:02,760
Maybe you want to move a lot.

714
00:41:02,760 --> 00:41:03,760
Your brain is racing.

715
00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:05,520
You have a lot of thoughts coming to you.

716
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:09,280
And so we just started kind of listing off like some things that could be happening within

717
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:12,440
our body to start signaling that we're anxious.

718
00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:16,040
And then she was like, oh, yeah, that happens to me sometimes.

719
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:17,800
I think I do get anxious sometimes.

720
00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:22,040
So again, we just have to work on them with maybe not just doing a blanket statement of

721
00:41:22,040 --> 00:41:23,040
are you angry?

722
00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:24,040
Are you sad?

723
00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:25,040
Are you depressed?

724
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:28,400
But like trying to dig in a little bit more so they can better identify their emotions

725
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:29,400
too.

726
00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:30,400
I do love that.

727
00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:33,080
And I will, I will say a personal opinion.

728
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:39,160
One of the things I've gleaned from several of the podcasts I've listened to is I've always

729
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:42,880
run with the philosophy I'm raising adults.

730
00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:43,880
That's my goal.

731
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:44,880
That's the end of the day.

732
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:45,880
I'm raising adults.

733
00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:49,080
If I do my job right, successful adults in the real world.

734
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:54,400
And you've had a lot of guests that to me kind of speak to that.

735
00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:59,240
And what made me think of that just then is they don't understand the words sometimes.

736
00:41:59,240 --> 00:42:01,440
Are you anxious?

737
00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:03,520
So you have to empower them.

738
00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:05,680
You have to arm them.

739
00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:07,400
That also goes back to let them fall.

740
00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:13,240
You're on the safe little zone at home, but then teach them how to cope, how to move on.

741
00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:15,840
And I would think the same thing goes with you've got all these doctor visits.

742
00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:20,200
If you've got an airway disorder that hasn't been picked up until maybe teenage or the

743
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:23,160
early 20s, they're going to have to learn to cope with it.

744
00:42:23,160 --> 00:42:26,560
So you've got to work with them to do that.

745
00:42:26,560 --> 00:42:32,440
And I know also as parents, you talk a lot about stress and how we can relieve our own

746
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:33,440
stress.

747
00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:39,280
What are just a couple of tips you can think of for parents that we're in that zone, our

748
00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:42,360
child just got diagnosed, we're really stressed, we're kind of freaking out.

749
00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:46,320
What are some good tips for parents to help reset?

750
00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:50,840
First of all, feel all the feels like ride the wave of emotion.

751
00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:52,440
Don't try, shut it down.

752
00:42:52,440 --> 00:42:55,640
Don't try to stuff it down because it's uncomfortable.

753
00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:59,920
I mean, I can't imagine all the emotions that come up with a diagnosis like this.

754
00:42:59,920 --> 00:43:08,000
And so allow yourself the grace to ride that emotion, that emotional wave is the first thing.

755
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:11,160
Breathing techniques are definitely underrated.

756
00:43:11,160 --> 00:43:17,800
There is a study out there and I don't, I can't quote it exactly, but it said that about

757
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:24,640
like seven deep breaths is equivalent to like an anti-anxiety medication.

758
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:29,440
So again, our body's amazing and spectacular and we can start doing some of these things

759
00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:33,720
right in the moment and start trying to kind of practice them throughout other times too,

760
00:43:33,720 --> 00:43:38,200
not just when you're in these heightened emotions, but just try start practicing them so that

761
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:42,680
it comes a little bit more easy to you in those times that you really do need them.

762
00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:47,720
So again, you can do breathing, you can start just really kind of paying attention and observing,

763
00:43:47,720 --> 00:43:52,240
giving yourself grace, riding that emotional wave until you feel like you've kind of ended

764
00:43:52,240 --> 00:43:55,560
it, you know, talking with someone.

765
00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:58,800
There are so many different things that they can do and it's going to be different for

766
00:43:58,800 --> 00:43:59,800
everyone.

767
00:43:59,800 --> 00:44:04,320
You know, like mine might be completely different than what you use to help calm down and it's

768
00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:08,800
just kind of picking and choosing those safe, healthy outlets to be able to bring us back

769
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:13,440
to our sweet spot, you know, versus again, just trying to suppress it.

770
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:17,160
So an essential oils, of course, are great too because of how they work with our brain.

771
00:44:17,160 --> 00:44:20,160
Yeah, smell is one of our strongest sense.

772
00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:24,760
And so when we smell a pure essential oil, it works with our factory bulb that sends

773
00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:27,920
signals to the part of our brain that deals with the moods and emotions.

774
00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:35,280
And so finding, you know, lavender or serenity or whatever is your kind of go to, which is

775
00:44:35,280 --> 00:44:36,480
actually really helpful too.

776
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:40,880
I know that you brought up before like, well, what if a child goes into a hospital room and

777
00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:45,800
you know, all of a sudden they're triggered, it might be because of the smell of the room.

778
00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:48,360
And that is called aromatic anchoring.

779
00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:53,120
And we can actually create new anchors within our brain through essential oils and aromatic

780
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:54,220
anchoring.

781
00:44:54,220 --> 00:44:56,680
And so one of my favorite sense, it's a blend from doTERRA.

782
00:44:56,680 --> 00:44:57,840
It's called adaptive.

783
00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:03,160
And so when we start smelling that and creating this calmness, the more frequently we do that,

784
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:05,320
we can actually start creating anchors.

785
00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:09,760
And so we have maybe some negative ones, like if we smell the sterleness of a hospital room,

786
00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:14,840
it might trigger us back into, you know, when we were in there before for a surgery, but

787
00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:19,800
we can also create our own now and we can create a calming one with different essential

788
00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:23,760
oils so that it can help again, bring you back to that sweet spot more effectively.

789
00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:25,960
I love that.

790
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:30,480
That's a great idea.

791
00:45:30,480 --> 00:45:32,480
And I want to make sure I get this right.

792
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:38,920
On your website, you've got several downloads that, you know, parents can access.

793
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:43,680
One of them included steps for helping with emotional chaos in your home.

794
00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:46,960
And I won't do a spoiler alert for all of them.

795
00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:51,880
One of them was try, mess up, and try again.

796
00:45:51,880 --> 00:45:53,120
Yes.

797
00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:58,520
And I really wanted to hone in on that one because as parents of children going through

798
00:45:58,520 --> 00:46:05,520
all of these things and the mom guilt, you feel like, you know, I know I'm not the only

799
00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:08,480
one because your moms talk about it.

800
00:46:08,480 --> 00:46:14,320
You feel like, wow, I really, I just totally messed that one up for, oh, that that was

801
00:46:14,320 --> 00:46:16,000
just anxiety for the doctor visit.

802
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:17,000
I didn't get it.

803
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:18,880
Oh, I should have caught it.

804
00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:27,000
So how do we, how do we get rid of this mom guilt that we're all running around with?

805
00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:31,880
You know, I was talking to someone one time and she said, my biggest fear is that I'm

806
00:46:31,880 --> 00:46:33,720
going to mess up my kids.

807
00:46:33,720 --> 00:46:38,720
And I looked at her and I said, you are like, you're going to do something that they're

808
00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:41,120
going to come back and be like, I can't believe you did that.

809
00:46:41,120 --> 00:46:43,200
Like there is no perfect parent.

810
00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:47,200
I say the only perfect parent is the parent who doesn't actually have kids because they

811
00:46:47,200 --> 00:46:49,200
have all the answers, right?

812
00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:51,680
Until you get in the depths of it.

813
00:46:51,680 --> 00:46:54,640
And you're like, you know, those things that you said, I'll never do that.

814
00:46:54,640 --> 00:46:57,680
And now you're, you know, kid is sitting in front of a screen for a half hour because

815
00:46:57,680 --> 00:46:58,680
you need a break.

816
00:46:58,680 --> 00:47:02,200
I mean, there is something that we're probably going to mess up on.

817
00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:03,920
No one is perfect.

818
00:47:03,920 --> 00:47:07,640
And that goes back to the letting them fall, letting them see you fall.

819
00:47:07,640 --> 00:47:12,480
And so with this mom guilt, especially kind of circling back to social media again, too,

820
00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:14,880
is we see the highlight reels of everyone's life.

821
00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:15,880
Oh yeah.

822
00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:16,880
Excellent point.

823
00:47:16,880 --> 00:47:22,280
And we are constantly in this comparison trap of like, well, so and so down the road, they

824
00:47:22,280 --> 00:47:25,640
just went on this really amazing vacation and then they got these family pictures done

825
00:47:25,640 --> 00:47:27,480
and they're all matching and yada, yada, yada.

826
00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:30,120
Like you don't know what's going on behind closed doors.

827
00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:34,400
You don't know the type of relationship that a picture on Instagram shows.

828
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:38,640
So we need to get out of this comparison trap first of all.

829
00:47:38,640 --> 00:47:42,640
And there is a lot of shitting that happens in mom life as well.

830
00:47:42,640 --> 00:47:45,520
And we need to stop shitting on ourselves.

831
00:47:45,520 --> 00:47:50,400
Because from the moment you find out you're pregnant, everyone loves to give you advice

832
00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:52,160
from everywhere.

833
00:47:52,160 --> 00:47:57,800
So all of a sudden you are overloaded with, oh, I need to do this.

834
00:47:57,800 --> 00:47:58,800
I don't do that.

835
00:47:58,800 --> 00:47:59,800
I need to get this thing out.

836
00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:02,000
Oh, I know, but I, but I don't need that.

837
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:08,280
And we just need to decide as a family, how do we want to operate and stand confident in

838
00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:09,280
that?

839
00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:10,400
Like, yes, we can always learn new things.

840
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:15,480
We can always add new things to our toolbox, but stand in that confidence and know that

841
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:19,920
if you are trying to do better for your kids, you are already such a great mom and you should

842
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:22,640
not be comparing yourself to anyone else.

843
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:27,240
Because again, it's what you decide for your family, your values, your mission that you

844
00:48:27,240 --> 00:48:28,640
have for them.

845
00:48:28,640 --> 00:48:32,320
And so try mess up and try again.

846
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:33,880
We're not going to get this stuff perfect.

847
00:48:33,880 --> 00:48:36,800
I still lead with emotion sometime with my kids.

848
00:48:36,800 --> 00:48:41,840
I told you when we were camping, I was like super frustrated and I probably yelled a little

849
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:42,840
bit.

850
00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:46,880
I'm going to do everything 100% of the time perfect because we're not a Stafford wife.

851
00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:48,160
Like we're not a robot.

852
00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:50,320
Like we're going to mess up.

853
00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:55,440
And so just kind of keeping that in mind that you're doing such a great job and give yourself

854
00:48:55,440 --> 00:49:02,040
again a little bit of that grace and don't be afraid to go back to your kids and let

855
00:49:02,040 --> 00:49:04,320
them know that you're sorry or you did something wrong.

856
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:05,840
I do that all the time with my kids.

857
00:49:05,840 --> 00:49:11,920
Hey guys, mom's really sorry that she yelled and next time I'm going to try a breathing

858
00:49:11,920 --> 00:49:17,520
exercise before I get to that point, you know, like have a game plan, go back and apologize,

859
00:49:17,520 --> 00:49:22,240
show them empathy, show them that it's okay to say sorry.

860
00:49:22,240 --> 00:49:25,880
And again, just try to get out of that comparison trap because otherwise you are going to be

861
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:29,920
suffering from mom guilt all the time.

862
00:49:29,920 --> 00:49:30,920
Absolutely.

863
00:49:30,920 --> 00:49:38,440
And I love that you advocate apologizing and explaining to your children because again,

864
00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:39,440
it's a life skill.

865
00:49:39,440 --> 00:49:40,640
This is what we're teaching them.

866
00:49:40,640 --> 00:49:43,000
We all make mistakes, it happens.

867
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:44,000
Exactly.

868
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:45,800
I love that.

869
00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:50,520
So one of the things I like to do at the end of every podcast is I hand the floor back

870
00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:55,840
over to our guests because whatever the topic is, you know, y'all are the experts.

871
00:49:55,840 --> 00:50:02,080
So I would like to leave you with, you know, last words for our listeners.

872
00:50:02,080 --> 00:50:05,400
Well I so appreciate you having me on and sharing some of this information.

873
00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:10,120
I'm just so passionate about helping parents because of this mom guilt and especially the

874
00:50:10,120 --> 00:50:11,840
mental load of moms.

875
00:50:11,840 --> 00:50:16,120
Like that is something that I don't think that gets talked about enough, especially if

876
00:50:16,120 --> 00:50:18,880
you have a child who has medical issues.

877
00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:23,840
You're not only the taxi driver, the schedule maker, the bill payer, the, you know, food

878
00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:30,040
a preparer, the, you know, whatever it is, like you have all of these things on your,

879
00:50:30,040 --> 00:50:34,840
on your mind and the mental load can be so exhausting and can burn you out.

880
00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:38,160
And a lot of that has to also do with boundaries.

881
00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:42,720
And so that's, I feel like that kind of gets talked about a lot with moms is, well, you

882
00:50:42,720 --> 00:50:43,880
just need to have boundaries.

883
00:50:43,880 --> 00:50:45,720
You just need to have boundaries.

884
00:50:45,720 --> 00:50:50,760
But I think the conversation doesn't go far enough because there are three different types

885
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:52,220
of boundaries that you can have.

886
00:50:52,220 --> 00:50:57,280
You can be underbounded, which is where a lot of us moms fall, me included, because we think,

887
00:50:57,280 --> 00:51:00,200
well, I need to do everything for everyone to be that supermom.

888
00:51:00,200 --> 00:51:05,200
It's actually one of the, like my husband, it tries to be really sweet and call me supermom

889
00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:08,240
and it drives me nuts.

890
00:51:08,240 --> 00:51:13,200
I hate it because I'm like, you are putting this expectation standard on me that I feel

891
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:15,200
like I can never let anything drop.

892
00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:16,200
Exactly.

893
00:51:16,200 --> 00:51:21,960
So we have this underbounded, which again is where a lot of moms fall, then we have our

894
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:23,560
overbounded.

895
00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:27,560
And I think that's where the issue is with a lot of people who start placing boundaries

896
00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:33,080
in your life to keep some of your own sanity and to just feel less of that mom guilt.

897
00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:36,160
And so underbounded, you're saying yes to everything overbounded.

898
00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:37,760
You are shutting everything out.

899
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:39,600
You're like, it's my way or the highway.

900
00:51:39,600 --> 00:51:41,600
I'm the only one who matters.

901
00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:47,320
And so I see this happen a lot where people swing from one end to the extreme of the other.

902
00:51:47,320 --> 00:51:51,840
And where we really want to be is this healthy, flexible, where everything is fluid.

903
00:51:51,840 --> 00:51:55,140
We know that we can put boundaries in place and they may change over time.

904
00:51:55,140 --> 00:51:56,980
Maybe that's with relationships.

905
00:51:56,980 --> 00:51:58,080
Maybe that's with your time.

906
00:51:58,080 --> 00:52:01,440
If you're driving to doctor's appointments all the time, medical procedures, things like

907
00:52:01,440 --> 00:52:07,200
that, like it's okay to tell people, no, right now, this is a season of our life and we have

908
00:52:07,200 --> 00:52:08,800
to be protective over our time.

909
00:52:08,800 --> 00:52:14,000
So we can't come to the eight barbecues that we were invited to over the summer.

910
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:17,160
You know, and just that might change, you know, in a couple of years, but right now

911
00:52:17,160 --> 00:52:18,400
that's where you're at.

912
00:52:18,400 --> 00:52:20,600
So I do encourage boundaries.

913
00:52:20,600 --> 00:52:25,080
I just want people to be careful about placing them so that they don't go from one extreme

914
00:52:25,080 --> 00:52:28,800
to the other and do just as much harm as they were feeling in the first place.

915
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:31,600
So I guess that would be my extra little tip.

916
00:52:31,600 --> 00:52:33,120
I think that's awesome.

917
00:52:33,120 --> 00:52:34,120
That is awesome.

918
00:52:34,120 --> 00:52:38,240
And again, thank you so much for coming on and I will put the links in the show as I

919
00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:42,640
cannot recommend your website and the parents will get enough to parents.

920
00:52:42,640 --> 00:52:43,640
So thank you so much.

921
00:52:43,640 --> 00:52:45,160
Thank you so much for having me.

922
00:52:45,160 --> 00:52:47,160
I really appreciate it.

923
00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:49,440
Absolutely.

924
00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:54,520
Thanks again to today's guest, Angie Weber for sharing her story and her insights and

925
00:52:54,520 --> 00:53:23,160
each of you for listening to today's episode.

926
00:53:23,160 --> 00:53:41,440
If you'd like to be a guest or have an idea for an upcoming episode, shoot us a note via

927
00:53:41,440 --> 00:53:46,700
the contacts page on our website or send us an email directly at info at children's

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airwayfirst.org.

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And finally thanks to all the parents and medical professionals out there that are

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working to help make the lives of kids around the globe just a little bit better.

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Take care, stay safe and happy breathing everyone.