Hi everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Airway First, the podcast from the Children's
Airway First Foundation.
I'm your host, Rebecca St. James.
My guest today is Randy Lee Bosloff.
She's an author and outspoken advocate for mental health.
She has spoken at events that promote wellness and compassionately shares experiences about
her own mental health issues with others.
Randy is a mom of two teenagers, a grandmother, a wife, and a competitive kickboxer.
She's a certified personal trainer who has represented teen candidate internationally
and even after battling cancer, she returned to coaching and competing.
In 2017, Randy published her first book about mental health awareness and has continued
writing and expanding her genres ever since.
You can find her books, A Mother's Truth, Raising Unique Children, and Embracing Me
on Amazon.com.
You can find out more about Randy Lee at rbriting.ca.
And now let's jump into my interview with Randy Lee Bosloff.
Okay, thank you so much for being on the show today, Randy Lee.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks for having me.
Absolutely.
So before we jump in, I just kind of want to set the stage so parents understand, you
know, for some people this might be a really big disconnect.
Why are we talking mental health?
And we will put various links in the show notes based on things we talk about and for
help, things like that, but one thing that a lot of people don't understand is children,
especially with airway disorders, severe learning disabilities, any kind of medical condition.
A lot of times there's a mental health component that goes with it.
And it's just not addressed.
You just don't think about it.
You think about their kids.
They don't really talk about it.
They don't know how to express it.
So that's one of the things that we're going to be talking about today.
So just kind of wanted to set the stage for everybody so they understand.
So let's go ahead and just jump right in.
If you wouldn't mind, I'd love it if you would just share with the listeners a little bit
about your story and your journey with your son's disabilities and what you went through
to get help.
Sure.
So my son, he's now 16.
And he was diagnosed with autism at the age of eight.
Prior to that, he was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, which is oppositional defiant disorder,
sensory processing disorder.
There was a bunch of other ones too.
And finally, they're like, okay, yeah, it's autism.
They just were like really pushing off, giving that diagnosis.
They were giving everything but it.
And my husband and I, we knew from a much earlier age that he was a little different
than the neurotypical kids.
And it wasn't until he started having these major meltdowns at school that people were
believing us that something was different.
And so once he got the diagnosis, it was good because we needed that in order for the school
to then put proper things into place for him because prior to that, they weren't doing anything.
And then we were able to look for additional help after that.
When he was nine, he had his first suicide attempt.
And it really opened my eyes to, wow, it's such a young age.
And it was around that time that he had this big emotional outburst of just sadness, pure
sadness.
It was about, it was like midnight.
And he's going on about, why am I so different?
Why don't people like me?
Why do they pick on me?
And that was kind of my moment of going, well, why do you feel that you couldn't have told
me this earlier?
Like why did you feel this wasn't a safe environment to tell me?
And I realized that I hadn't been sharing my story with him or with anybody really.
I had been keeping very quiet and pretending that all you need to do in life is just pretend
everything's okay.
Right.
And just keep going.
Exactly.
So it made him feel very upset because he couldn't keep going.
So that was kind of the moment that I decided I'm going to start being very loud.
And so it was a long process in and out of the hospital a bunch of times in grade seven.
He went to a treatment facility where he lived there for three months.
He came home on the weekends and that made a world of difference because they finally
were able to do some different assessments for him.
And we realized that he also has a learning disability with his reading and writing.
And now he's 16.
He's got his beginner's driver's license.
He is doing very well at school.
He doesn't actually physically go to school.
He does all of his work at home because there's so much anxiety with the going to school and
he was bullied for so many years.
So that was a whole other big thing.
But that is my short version.
No.
No, go ahead.
No.
And what's interesting is the way that you explained that he just didn't know.
And that's one of the things kids don't know, especially because like you said, as adults,
we're just going to push through.
We're going to keep going and they often don't even know the words to say.
They just know they're different, right?
That they're different than everybody else and they don't understand why.
So as you've gone on this journey with him, especially at such a young age, what was it
like trying to find him help and treatment?
Did you find this to be in it?
And obviously you're not in the US, correct?
I mean, Canada.
Yeah.
It's a little bit different.
But what was it like trying to find him the right kind of help at this age?
A lot of wait lists, a lot of closed doors.
So up until we got the diagnosis of autism, basically there was no help without having
a diagnosis of something that they considered a reasonable diagnosis to receive help.
Because ODD didn't count, sensory processing didn't count, none of those counted for getting
help.
And so it wasn't until we had the diagnosis of autism that the school finally made the
proper IEP and the IPRC, which is basically telling them that he needs special support.
And then that opened up the door to Bethesda, which is our local organization that deals
with kids with autism, or people with autism really.
So that opened up that door so that we could start getting therapy there.
They did some ABA with him.
And then there is a little bit of government funding where I am.
Not a heck of a lot.
It has changed over the years.
But there was different supports that we can now put him in special camps and things like
that, get respite workers.
But it was a lot of, okay, where do I go?
How do I find this?
Because it's not the easiest thing, especially when you're going back and forth to the hospital
and telling three doctors the same story over and over and over and trying to get somebody
who will listen to you.
Right.
And so what is that like?
Because I think that's something a lot of parents can experience.
I mean, as a parent, I mean, you must have felt.
It was so frustrating, so disheartening.
Because when we would go in, we actually changed his family doctor, which was amazing that
we actually could.
Because in Canada, it's really hard to get a family doctor.
There's not enough of them because our healthcare system is tax funded.
You pretty much stick with who you got and you're lucky if you got one.
So we were really lucky because my husband had a different family doctor than I did.
And so they took him.
So that was the only reason that he got in.
And at their office, they had a child psychologist at that time, psychiatrist.
And so she actually listened to us.
So she is the one that really got the ball rolling.
But until that point, we had, we had nothing.
Like it was just, oh, they're just, they're just young and being annoying.
They're just, they just have bad behavior.
I'm like, this is not bad behavior.
This is something else.
Right.
And so it's, I mean, you did one of the things that we hear from parents all the time and
that we hear from other medical professionals, you've got to advocate.
If you know something is wrong with your child, you keep pushing and you keep pushing.
Yeah.
And that I find is the hardest thing to do at the beginning because at the beginning,
you trust everybody else.
You trust that the doctors have the best interests in mind.
You trust that the schools have your kids best interest in mind.
Right.
But what I learned, especially with the schools was they had their best interest in mind.
If it was going to inconvenience the school or the teachers class and not to say all teachers,
we've had a handful of good ones, but he's a great 11 now and it's only been a handful.
If it's going to inconvenience them, they're going to tell you what's going to be better
for them, not for your kid.
And so at the beginning, I used to be like, Oh, okay, okay.
Like, I have no idea.
And then I started going, actually, we're not going to switch him class.
Actually if you're sending him home, you're going to officially suspend him so that there
was a paper trail.
That was their biggest thing was if he was having a bad day, if he was having a meltdown,
they would tell me you need to come and pick him up.
And I did for pretty much most of grade three and a little bit, integrate four before I
realized from talking to other parents in this situation that they're doing that so they
don't have to have the paper trail that shows that they can't handle your kid.
So that because every time there's a suspension, that suspension has to go to the school board.
And so I was like, Oh, okay.
So every time they would call me, I would say, Well, no, unless you're suspending him
officially, I'm not picking him up and forcing them to do that.
And that documentation was not only good for them to be held accountable, but also for
when we were looking for other supports for him, they asked, you know, well, what proof
do you have that this is happening?
All of these suspension letters here.
Got it.
Right.
And see, how would you know to do that for for most parents?
Right.
And so you mentioned support groups.
I mean, this is a huge component of, I mean, just anything that parents are going through
these days because it's just there's so much, you know, props to our parents.
They did a great job, but it just seems as parents so much more complicated on so many
levels.
What kind of support groups were you, are these online support groups or these in person
support groups?
Yeah.
So there's a couple of different ones where I am.
There is some in person ones that Autism Ontario runs.
I only went to one of those meetings, but I found the Facebook group of Autism parents
was the most helpful one because when you're in the moment of going, oh my goodness, what
do I do?
I can shoot a message off and be like, anybody else know where I can go for XYZ?
And then it's like, okay, it's done.
I've got it out of my brain.
Somebody will answer me.
I'll have, I'll be able to have a direction.
Right.
That makes sense.
So for parents that are at the beginning of this journey with their child, you know,
they have some kind of breathing disorder or medical complication or autism or something.
And now there's this mental component of it and they're, they're struggling to find their
their child health and guide them through this journey.
What kind of advice could you give them just, you know, here's where to start, you know,
maybe here's how to approach this.
Yeah.
So the first thing I would say is keep notes.
That is one of the most important things you can do even about things that you don't think
are important.
I remember going to one of the doctor's appointments, they're like, well, how old was he when he
held a spoon?
Like, I don't know.
Like that's not, it's not a big milestone.
So things that you don't think are important.
If you can just keep the quick notes, like that it happened.
It obviously notes of when the bigger things happen.
And when you're keeping those notes, keep them in, it's called ABC.
So what happened, the antecedent, the action that actually happened first, what behavior
occurred then, and then what was the consequence or the basically the outcome of it.
And that way you can just really just photocopy that and give it to the school or give it
to the doctor and say, look, this is what's been happening.
And do you know the frequency it's been happening?
And you know, ideally what's caused it to then have the behavior happen.
Because that's, at least with autism, one of the big things was, well, what triggered
it?
And for the longest time, like, I don't know.
Until I started taking notes and going, there's a pattern here.
Right.
So as you started this process and you've worked with your son over the years, and you
are in 11th grade now, how has his journey changed?
I think that he is a lot more self aware.
So he had his first panic attack when he was in kindergarten.
And I didn't know anything about panic attacks.
So we took him to the hospital thinking, you know, thinking my five year old's having a
heart attack.
And so we found out that it was due to anxiety and it was the panic attack.
So the first step was really putting words to what was happening.
So when something like that would occur, it was, no, you're not, you know, you're not
dying.
You're anxious right now.
You're having anxiety right now.
So putting words to whatever is happening and trying to name those emotions because kids,
especially the younger ones, you know, happy, sad, angry, those are what they know.
That's kind of it.
Right.
Yeah.
So you can put names to it, like just pick happy.
Happy has a scale of I'm content.
I am joyful.
I'm happy.
I'm ecstatic.
I'm over the moon, right?
So each base emotion has many within it.
So you can, you know, start to put names to those emotions with them, help them to do
that is a really helpful one for the kids to then start to be like, I'm having, you know,
if they say I'm not feeling good or I'm having a bad day because especially if kids are
struggling, going to school, sometimes they'll fake being sick.
Sure.
And oh, I don't feel good.
Well, why don't you feel good?
And is it because you're sad?
Don't feel good.
Is it because your tummy doesn't feel good?
Is it because you're feeling really sad about something that happened at school?
Are you feeling guilty?
Are you feeling ashamed?
That's a really big emotion.
It's a shame.
You're listening to Airway First with today's guest, Randy Lee Bosloff.
You can find out more about the Children's Airway First Foundation and our mission to
fix before six on our website at children's airwayfirst.org.
The CAF website offers tons of great resources for parents and medical professionals, including
videos, blogs, recommended reading lists, comprehensive medical research, podcasts, and much more.
Parents are encouraged to join the Airway Huddle, our Facebook support group, which was created
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Shoot us a note via the contacts page on our website or send us an email directly at infoatchildrensairwayfirst.org.
As a reminder, this podcast and the opinions expressed here are not a medical diagnosis.
If you suspect your child might have an airway issue, contact your pediatric airway dentist
or pediatrician.
And now, let's jump back into my interview with today's guest, Randy Lee Bosloff.
That's true, right?
Because there is this stigma to it.
You know, there definitely is for adults and having children in the Gen Z generation, I
give them props.
They talk about things a lot more than we do and they get it out there, but there is
still this stigma, especially in school.
And I do find too, they talk about it more, but I don't know if they actually know what
they're saying.
I would know the consequences of what they're saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, they did.
I would agree with that totally.
Absolutely, right?
So to talking him through it, he guides, does he, it's not really, you get to a point that
you self-regulate.
He's just more aware now and he has coping mechanisms.
Yeah, and by having coping mechanisms, you do learn to self-regulate.
So like schoolwork, because this just happened earlier today, I was trying to work through
his English work with him and he was getting very, very frustrated with me.
He's like, I don't remember that happening at the beginning of the book and it's the
end of the book.
And I said, okay, well, let's then talk this through.
And I said, okay, so we'll finish just this one question and then we'll take a break.
And that was like, oh, okay, right?
And it's just like, and then he can kind of calm down.
So that was an example of me helping him to regulate, but by knowing those strategies,
he has started to self-regulate.
So if he's doing an assignment that he's capable of doing by himself, like English is a little
trickier.
I help him more with that.
But if he's doing, he was doing a multiple choice test the other day.
So here's your computer.
Bye.
Like you don't need me.
And but he was getting frustrated at it.
And instead of yelling at me, instead of doing anything else, he goes, I'm taking a break
now.
There you go.
Yeah.
So there does come a time when self-regulation comes.
They're still probably going to need help at times, but much better than it was before.
There was no throwing things, no yelling.
It's just, I'm taking a break now.
Right.
Definitely lighted in at the tunnel.
So one of the things that you have done, and we do see this with a lot of moms, it's
you're empowered now, you've been through this experience and you've written several
books to of which we'll put links in the show notes.
So a mother's truth and embracing me.
So let's just start with you really.
Why did you write them?
I'll cut that up to right now.
The worst feeling is feeling by yourself.
So if I've already been through it and I'm okay with sharing my story, then I should
share it.
And so a mother's truth, that's the one that's actually about raising love from being pregnant
up until grade six.
We're living through part two.
And it was really cathartic for me too to put down on paper what we went through.
And I've gotten the feedback of, oh my goodness, I see my kid in this book.
I thought I was crazy, but I'm not.
Other people experience.
So that was a really big reason for doing that one because the worst part was when it's
like, okay, yes, he's got autism, which was like, okay, good.
I'm not, I'm not crazy.
I know something was different.
But then it was like, okay, now what?
Where do I go?
So this book is to help those parents go, okay, I have a guide ish.
Like it's not a, it's not a step by step guide, but it's, you know, this is somebody else's
journey and I can, you know, kind of piece together something for me.
And there's worksheets at the end of that book too of things I've learned, like the
ABCs that I was talking about, there's a chart in there.
So you can remember it and use it.
So that's, you know, that was that one and embracing me, that's more on the mental health
side.
So that's my story of my journey of depression for the past 20 years and what I've learned
and the whole reason I called it embracing me is because it's embracing all of who you
are.
And that is so hard for kids.
I mean, it's hard for adults, so hard for kids.
So this book kind of goes through why I thought I couldn't to, oh, it's okay to, and it's okay
to ask for help and it's okay to go to therapy.
And again, there's worksheets at the back of that book too.
I'm big on worksheets.
I love it.
If I'm trying to tell somebody, you know, here's what you should maybe try.
I want them to be able to do it in an accessible way.
Yeah.
And I absolutely love that.
That's brilliant.
So, you know, when we're talking mental wellness, especially again with children, why are we
missing the boat as parents?
How is this as a society that we're just missing it?
It's a really loaded question.
It is, I know.
I know.
I don't answer gladly.
There's a lot of different parts to it though.
So the first one is, well, we didn't have that when we were growing up.
So as parents, how do we know to give it?
True.
Right.
So it's something that we had to learn in order to then help our kids because my mom's
generation, generations before her, you didn't talk about it.
Right.
So that happened at home, stayed at home, and you didn't talk about it.
So that's,
You squish it down and you go about your day and you go up your big girl pants and do
your stuff.
Exactly.
My mom always used to say, fake it till you make it.
There you go.
Yeah.
Right.
So that's the first, I think the biggest step is you have to recognize that you don't
have the skills as a parent.
And I'll admit it.
I didn't, I had, I went through my own depression, but I didn't have the skills as a parent
to then help my kid until I learned them.
So it's not to, you know, I'm not shaming anybody.
I was there.
You don't know what you're learning.
I'm still learning.
Exactly.
Yeah.
It's a complete learning process, but you have to be like, okay, I need to learn it.
And then after that, I mean, kids are not just needing an environment with their parents,
but school bombards them, you know, media bombards them with all of these different messages.
And it's like, which one do I go to, which one is describing what I'm feeling and that
kind of thing.
And like some, some kids to their friends, they want to sound either really tough or
they want sympathy or whatever, right?
Like there's different things going on in their heads.
So sure.
It's a, it's a lot.
And I don't think necessarily we've missed the boat.
I think that we are now boarding that boat because it wasn't there before.
That's, that's a really good explanation.
Yeah.
100% agree with that.
And I think also too, especially a child that you know, you're different.
You just, you know, you're different, whether it's autism, whether it's an airway disorder,
whether it's ADHD, sleep apnea, you know, you've got to go to a sleepover with seven
other little girls and you snore like a freight train.
You know, you're different.
Yeah.
So exactly.
And a kid like that, do I want to accept going to that, that sleepover?
Like I really want to go, but now are they going to pick on me after I go?
There's going to be anxiety around that.
Of course.
Of course there is.
Sure.
So what are some tips that either, and I guess this would be a kind of two-fold, right?
Because as parents of children that are different, we have our own anxiety and our own mental
wellness check-ins that we need to have.
But what are some of your favorite tips for parents as well as kids that you've learned
over the years?
Okay.
We'll start with parents just because I want to.
Why not?
So find something that you enjoy doing because if you're not taking care of yourself, you
can't take care of your kid.
Right?
That's why on the airplane, they tell you to put on your airbag thing first and then
help somebody else.
So find something you enjoy doing.
Exercise is always a really good one.
I'm not saying you got to go run or you got to go do weights.
I've been enjoying Aquafit lately.
It's a lot of fun.
I used to do kickboxing, which is so much fun.
Horseback riding, right?
So there's other stuff you can do that isn't hitting the gym.
Journaling is another really helpful one.
And you might be, I mean, I hated journaling at that when I was going through everything
because I had to journal all my kids' issues happening.
But if you feel that you can journal for yourself as well, that better.
And then my other favorite one, other than actually going to therapy, cats.
Cats are great.
A dog forces you to go outside for a walk.
Cats are just cuddly and sweet, as long as they don't want to murder you.
True.
Keep their food bowlful.
But if you're allergic to those, I mean, my sister's got rats.
My niece has got a bird because she's allergic to fur.
But just having that companion that doesn't judge, doesn't talk back.
That's just there.
It's good.
My father-in-law always had fish.
He loved taking care of his fish.
So I would say that.
It's relaxing.
Right?
You know, just when.
One thing about dogs there is, no, it doesn't matter what kind of day you've had.
It doesn't matter what you look like.
Right?
They're going to love you.
You're the greatest thing ever.
And how does that not lift you up?
I mean, really.
Exactly.
So pets are awesome.
But you know, I always say therapy is always a good one too.
Sure.
Right.
And for kids, I mean, it's basically the same things.
Finding some things that they love to do.
And I mean, kids, they might have something at school, like an afterschool sport, or it
might be something that you have to find elsewhere.
Having friends, even just one friend that they can talk to that they feel safe with.
And whether that's in person or online friends, my kid struggled quite a lot to find in person
good relationships.
And so his best friends are actually all in the States.
There was like one in Texas, couple in Florida, and he's been friends with them for years
now.
Wow.
Obviously, make sure internet safety rules and all of that stuff.
Of course.
Right.
All his friends know me.
They're all, I'll walk in the room.
Oh, my mom's here and they're all like, oh.
It's like they're at my house all the time.
Right.
Just went out and seen me and all the food in your pantry.
It's great.
It is.
That is a bonus.
Right.
So having a friend to talk to is a really good one.
And again, pets, pets is great.
And we've said it already before, having, making home a safe place to say, I'm having
a bad day.
Here's why.
Here's what I'm feeling, helping them decipher that feeling.
And if you don't have the skills yourself yet to do that, reach out to a counselor,
a therapist, right?
They're available.
Yeah.
For the most part.
And I don't know, did you ever run into issues trying to find, because it sounds like he is
more comfortable online.
And we do hear that a lot with kids that they're more near their anxiety.
They're going to do better online.
Were you able to find therapy online?
Was that an issue?
It was an issue at the beginning.
Yeah.
Because of his age and, but he was okay with going to the therapist, like to leave the
house to go to the therapist because he knew that it was safe there.
So it was a big difference going to the therapist's office as opposed to going to the school or
to a really, really busy store.
So I think, yeah, that made a big difference.
He knew when he got there, it wasn't going to be busy.
It wasn't going to be loud.
He just ceases one person, but we were lucky.
COVID is really what brought online therapy to the forefront.
To everyone.
Yeah.
Right.
Thank you, COVID and Michael Phelps.
Those are, I give them both credit for that.
It wasn't all bad.
There was some good.
There were some good that came out of it.
Yeah.
And I think that was a good thing.
Well, I think it's a good thing.
I think it's a good thing.
And I'm going to talk to my neighbors because it's all,
all you could talk to the people next door.
It's true.
So at the end of every episode, I just like to hand the floor back over 100% to
the guests.
Anything that you want to leave our listeners with anything you want to tell
parents, anything we may have forgotten.
Because, you know, you were the expert in this particular topic.
So I think we've kind of covered all of the, all of the basics.
So I think we're going to have to keep it at our basics,
which is the first step.
But reaching out really is the most important step.
No matter what your kid is going through,
reaching out to somebody in the right organization,
whether it's autism, whether it's an airway disorder,
whether it's a physical disability, whatever it is,
reaching out to somebody and saying, I don't know what I'm doing.
Help me.
Cause that's what they're there for.
And do a lot of your own research.
Just make sure that you're, when you're researching, you go, yeah,
this is reliable.
But do lots of your own research.
Don't just believe what other people are saying without looking into it
yourself.
And just make it, make it a safe space for them to say whatever it is they
need to say, don't get mad when they come to you and say,
I feel like hurting myself.
Getting mad isn't going to help.
Getting scared isn't going to help, but it's okay to be scared.
And it's okay to tell them you're scared.
What I mean by it won't help is don't be so scared that you're
scaring them into hiding it.
Right.
Because then we're swinging totally to the wrong direction.
So they're coming to you saying, I'm having these bad thoughts or I'm
being bullied at school, which is making me feel whatever way.
Don't act so scared that it shuts them up.
Be like, that's really scary to hear.
Let's talk about this more.
Right.
I'm here for you.
And that way you keep that door open because communication is going to be
100% key.
On my YouTube show, I always end it with my slogan,
which is the only way to end the stigma of mental health is to speak
openly and honestly.
And that is exactly what we've been talking about.
And that is actually a perfect way to end the segment.
I do.
I appreciate your honesty and your openness so much right now.
And for sharing your story and your son's story.
And I will make sure that we put the link to your website and your
YouTube show and your books.
Cause this is, um, it's support the parents need to hear about.
I need access to.
Thank you so much for having me.
This is really fun.
Thank you.
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You can find a variety of informative original video content pieces as
well as video recordings and excerpts from selected airway first podcast episodes.
If you'd like to be a guest or have an idea for an upcoming episode,
shoot us a note via the contacts page on our website or send us an email directly
at info at children's airway first.org.
And finally, thanks to all the parents and medical professionals out there that
are working to help make the lives of kids around the globe just a little bit better.
Take care, stay safe and happy breathing everyone.
Thank you.
Bye.