Guess hey
Party people
Welcome back intrepid adventurers to Queers on Dice
We will never have a normal introduction because
We're queer. We're the queerest podcast this side of the Milky Way galaxy and some of us are neuro divergent
Yeah, and tik-tok tells me that I have like a new neurodivergency every like time I open it up
Yeah, so I don't know. I don't know what I am anymore
Fun that's true
Angela Basset
That really like dates the time and place Viola Davis my woman King
Michelle we loved you... and then suddenly with us, of course is
Hi, I'm Nick and I'm playing Flandel. Tell us a fun fact about your home planet Calistor
Oh, yeah. Okay. So Flandel wouldn't know anything about Cal
Well, well wouldn't have experienced Calistor because it exploded millions years
Not millions, but like hundreds of years ago. So but fun fact was that it was like
Completely covered in water. It was an aqueous planet fully just watery
Did like did Flandel's people live underwater?
Yeah, I think they were like
kind of like
jellyfish oh
That's that's wild. Yeah
The fact that you're like just fully functioning outside of water is really crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I imagine
They whatever the outside of their jelly sack is just like a little like tougher now, you know
Or like a jellyfish like the top of a jellyfish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
We Flandel facts Flandel facts. Goo fact. Mm-hmm. It's gooey
Keep it squishy y'all
Wow Wow come on catchphrases now, I'm gonna write that one down
And our next adventure
Hi, I'm Lisa Frankenstein and I am playing Pique the tiefling warlock
And tell us something about
Mar about Mar it's a great planet
Down with the merchants. Mm-hmm. Yes, the merchants go. Let's kill them. Yeah
I mean guillotines are great for them. Oh, we hate the merchants. They are just
People who like to you know control the merch
Fuck those guys. You never get between a drag performer and their merch
Rule number one. Yeah, I was just reading about dragonborns really quick
I
Am
But you're not gonna be able to say that so you can call me hammie and I am playing Jenn of Ah a
dragonborn and
Fun fact about my planet. Yeah fun facts about valkyrie
So on valkyrie we have this game that we like to play where we
put bubbles into the air and then we use our
Breath weapons just for fun to blow them out. Oh
Yes, you can do it first so you can do it in a more fun way
It's like a clay pigeon thing, but instead of a clay pigeon, it's like a bubble
Yeah, oh god would Flandel be offended by
Well, listen I don't I don't fuck
It's an out-of-touch game we've
We are a mess they say woke now
How does Jenn feel about woke?
I'm she has been canceled multiple times on crystal vision
So it's uh, you know, the PC vultures really be coming for her. It's a touchy subject. Yeah. Yeah
Yeah, and my name is a risk throttle and I am your game master in this
spicy space adventure fun fact about
Me cuz I guess I don't really have
What's about your planet fun fact about the planet earth there's nothing fun. I don't know. Oh my god
The planet earth there's these things called sclera contacts and
Wear them for too long. You lose vision directly in front of you and suddenly like for the next day
It's literally 24 hours. I was just
Blurry visioned and like couldn't see so we just remember a drag performer will do anything for a nice picture. It's true
Yeah, thank you for getting real with us. I feel real
I'm so glad pinch me
Wonderful so where we last left off these
Strange or charter guests have taken you to a
Natural asteroid cleanup Flandel with a clutch natural 20 detected. There was something wholly
Unnatural about this technology that perhaps resonated with an artifact that
resides near him
Maybe we'll see more of that later
Shaking the table probably me
I'm shaking my dice and my leg is touching the table. So I'm probably shaking the whole thing
Because I'm so enthusiastic about this dice
Sorry, we are recording in a very very fancy studio right now, so anything's possible
Yeah, and we're all in full drag even Nick
even me
and even Nick too
Nick is actually his drag name
Like Willem
Willem
Nick at night
Nick at night would be a good burlesque performers name. That's true. It's true wonderful. And so during this kerfuffle
Nick failed to grapple the orc leader
But you know who sure was able to trip the fuck out of that guy was
Jenn of Ah baby a thousand percent. So that brings us to
instant combat because
I just tried to trip him hard and you did
You really did trip him with that tail bracelet
That's what I'm saying. It's there for emergencies
And so we start combat with this orc captain prone and the other two orcs looking a little confused
But getting ready to fight the first in
Initiative order is actually the captain what?
Yeah, wait the captain was there. Oh, sorry or okay. Okay. Okay. I was like I don't remember Sean Connery anywhere
Always there
When you need me the most I'm an empathic and sense when people I think it's more like when we need him the least
Yeah, he's not there now. Yeah, he might be useful. You don't know we don't know what his combat prowess is
Like no is the the orc leader? Okay for now far now
far now, yeah, and so he
he gets up from prone and he looks around and both the
Tripper and the grappler are the people that are right next to him. So that would be Jenn of Ah and
Flandle I want to summon beam beam. No, let me not do all that. Never mind. I take it back. So when it is your turn
Got it, I'll be patient. Yeah, but he'll keep you company
Bowie is the podcast mascot. He is a
Half Dachshund half black lab noodle and he's very cute and he's keeping hammy company
And he's so quiet. How does how old is he? Yeah, he's like nine nine months nine going on ten
Your baby and so what the captain is going to do though Jenn because you really knocked him down
He's gonna attack you
I
Gotta say I absolutely am obsessed with Jenn of Ah
It's a vibe I didn't mean to make her this like malicious, but I don't know it happened
I'm learning so much about you
Does a 12 hit you so you're gonna look
Armor class. Let's see. So your armor class is 14
So that means that someone would have to roll a 14 or higher in order to hit you
Your armor class is essentially saying like how hard are you to hit got it?
And so I rolled a d20
I rolled a 7 and 7 plus 5 does not equal 14
So you are safe and it missed you he gets two attacks and that is a 23 to hit
Oh
Can I block it?
What do you mean? No, no
That's what your armor class represents. Yeah
Have special stuff in order to block it like for example, I have hellish rebuke
So if I get hit I can like react but you have to have something like that
In order to how much health you have Jenn 37
That's right, cuz you got the extra seven. That's that's relief
That's why I'm gonna hang back. I
have
You don't have a lot. I have 11
Where is our health? Oh, I have hella health you take six points of damage from my health. Yeah Pique you're up
Okay, so the captain just attacked Jenn of Ah, right? Yes, and he's the one who lost
health already
No, that was me. No. Yeah. Yeah. He lost health. Great. I am going to cast toll of the dead on him
Shit
so I grab I I have my satchel on me and I grab my book out and
Let me see. I think it's like a specific thing
The sound of a Dolores Bell fills the air around this person for a moment
The target must succeed a wisdom saving throw. I
Love the drag named Dolores Bell Dolores Bell. Dolores is my middle name
I'm sick. Is it? Dolores. Your literal middle name? Yeah, my actual middle name. This is the first
Government name of Lisa's that I've ever heard. Yeah
Spoiler alert Lisa is not my real name
I know the illusion right? I'm truly in shock. The delusion really
Does a for save um, how do I check that? Oh, there it is
My spell DC is 13 13
Yeah, so a four does not save so what happens on a failed save so he
suddenly hears a
dumb
Belthole and I need to roll for a one die 12 for necrotic damage
Because he has already taken damage which one is that?
The D12 is like a windy 20
Baby
That is eight damage
Sick Wow and I like I'm like don't you dare?
touch them
Yeah, he's spooked. He's like
What was that?
Yeah, I'm a creeper
That brings us to
Jenn of Ah oh shit. Oh shit. I just roll. Do I pick I have to pick a thing so
You can do
Here's what I recommend to you. Number one you get to cast
Hunter's mark on something
Okay, which is essentially just a spell
Also, why aren't you using the app?
Because I didn't know I was I didn't
I didn't know that makes it easy
Know that with the power of D&D Beyond it's never been easier. Wow to roll
Check stats keep track of inventory
And play this game that we all love please. God sponsor us
Is that too desperate just yeah
You said my government name I'm gotta I gotta
Edit that out
Cut it
So I would go to actions. Yeah, so if you go to actions
You can make an unarmed strike
Or I have a breath weapon or you can make beam beam attack. I'm gonna use beam beam sick
So you have a plus five to hit with your drake friend and he can bite
Yeah, let's bite the bitch
Great, um, Rola d20
10 10 plus five that is 15. Um that hits and you're fighting you're hitting the captain. Yeah
Great. Um, go ahead and roll damage
That's 1d6 plus 2 damage 3. Oh plus damage you do 5 damage
You look so unsure but like when I say it and I mean it it's true great you did it
Yay
You did it, haha. Yay. Oh
Baby's first damage. Oh my god. Second damage second damage
Fuck you guys. I don't even
Yay
You tripped him first
I did and he did trip that. Oh, yeah. He yes almost stayed his teeth. Yeah. Yeah, you're messing him up
You've done the most damage
Did beam beam just bite him?
Or you just yeah, where did beam beam bite him?
You look like you want to say on the dick
He just hurt is it the same guy is this the same dude that we're attacking?
Yeah, you're just messing up the leader. Yeah, so he heard a crazy creepy bell and then he got
Bit in the crotch by a dragon. Yeah, dick biting. You heard it here first
Here's something that I kind of like forgot to mention so the drake does its own attack and then you can also attack. It's both right?
Yeah
So you can also make a strike. Yeah, I'll strike
You let's say that you have like a
Bladed weapon as well. So you'd have like a my cargo shorts. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah
And then do I add you would add five to that 12?
Um a 12 unfortunately does not hit them. So you go to swing
And after being bit on the dick he ducks in pain and you swoop over with your strike
Damn it
Exactly, but good job beam beam
Um, yeah
Sorry, I don't know it's a pokemon that's what he sounds like. Oh, I guess that's what he sounds like. It's pokemon drake pokemon. Yeah
Beep beep
Okay, so you are now
Somewhere oh boy
Oh boy, maybe
Wow, we've gone into dark territory beautiful, uh up next after Jenn that is
our
Lovely friends exivus and dirth
Did they count as one dreth?
Is it dreth or dirth?
Look, it's dreth. I wrote dreth down. I wrote dreth. I just uh have a little bit of dyslexia. Yeah
It's okay. It's a dreth like hot breath
Did you write that down? Nope. Do you guys like my new dreth?
Oh my god, it's pitiful
They see one sees that flandal like made an attempt to attack
They're just focused on the people that are really going for their boss right now. So one's gonna take a swing at flandal
Uh
These guys are so heavy age
22 to hit oh that's oh
Certainly hits. Yeah. Oh no. Oh no
Uh, that's gonna be eight damage
Oh, oh, that's a lot. Oh my are you okay? I'm i'm fine
Um, yeah, the other one is gonna take a swing at jen. Ah
Yeah, what the fuck how how much health do you have 35? Jesus you both are so buff
I'm like sitting here with my delicate bird wrists
That's a 24 to hit jen
Does that hit you? No, it definitely hits. Yeah
So your ac is 14. Oh, and so 24 is higher
Not damaged just to try and okay
Okay
Jenn you are going to take
Five damage, okay
She's in rice god i'm gonna get wrecked
Well, uh getting wrecked well, maybe now it's your turn to see if you could wreck something up. Oh, come on wreck it ralph
Come on flandal flandal doesn't want to fight. Come on flandalini
um
Okay, he's gonna he just got hit
by what
Like their like pick or something or did he like swing at me? Yeah, he took his pickaxe out and like, oh my god
A pickaxe cheese and rice. It's got the runes on it. Yeah
Flandal technically, it's a great axe attack. Yeah, Jesus
Okay, flandals like um
uh
like
jumps on
vernell and
Is like I think we can really just talk this out. Okay
Um, if everybody would just calm down for a second we can I think there's been a misunderstanding but he's gonna go for another grapple attack
A 19 good so you beat a seven so you definitely succeed in grappling for now good i'm grappling him
sick
Making an appeal do you do any bonus action?
No
No, I mean no
No
Okay. Yeah flandals just trying to keep the peace. Yeah
Well, well that brings it to for now's turn, um while grappled and not really near anyone else
Um, he has no choice but to try and attack you. Oh god
He doesn't want to break out. He just wants to mess you up
Yeah, you hear i'm a butthole i'm a
But yeah, we know the wrong
That's a 19. Jesus. Yeah that hits. Oh flandal
That is going to be
Four damage and then he's going to attack you again. Oh my god. He gets two attacks. I forgot
Does a 14 hit you?
It doesn't
I just kind of like slurp out of the way. Yeah. Yeah
Yeah, stay still I think we can
Talk this out
Smothering you i'm you're like my mother
Oh
This guy talks a lot about his mom. This gets deep. Yeah
I'm noticing i'm sensing something something under the surface there. Yeah, make an insight check. Okay. Oh, oh
Uh 12 yeah, he has mommy issues his mommy issues. Wow
Can I also roll an insight to see if I know that he has mommy?
Issues
Should I roll in then say do you want to roll? No, I have a six. I'm just looking to fuck him up
Um, so is it it's my turn now, uh, yes, okay
so I am going to I see that uh flandal has him and uh that he just did damaged Flandel i'm like, oh
Uh-uh. So I flipped to another page in my book
and um
He needs to roll a wisdom saving throw
Well, these guys are not very wise. These guys are not very wise. I know
But that is a 17
Um, great. Um, so that beats it but he still takes half, uh psychic damage
Oh from what was the spell dissonant whispers? Oh spooky
so he um
So I need to roll three dice six and half it so he hears
This is metagaming because I don't know that he's mommy issues but
I'm like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry
Get in the back of the car and buckle your seat belt. It's day is the first day
Press feeding
It's a spell it's so so the normal thing with this spell is you hear
Unintelligent like you can't make it out. It's just a bunch of random voices whispering and it does
Uh psychic damage to you great, but because I want it to sound like a terrible asmr it does
So half of 13 seven seven damage
Thank you, thank you for coming to my dead talk
He looks messed up mommy
Mommy can't save you now, bitch
Um, Jenn that is your turn. Oh god. Do I have to pick a thing again?
Yeah, so you get to make an attack and then and then beam beam gets to make an attack. Okay. Yeah roll that
19 you hit um, go ahead and roll damage
Four plus two is six. How do you want to kill him? Oh my god. Wait
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Whoa
Bat. Whoa, hold on incredible. Do you want to do lethal or non-lethal damage? I didn't mean to kill him
Yeah, that's fine. Do you want so you could do I don't want to kill you know, I kill him
So you want to do non-lethal? Correct. Great. Okay
How do you knock him out?
Um, sorry, I'm a little overwhelmed
By the prospect of all I meant to do was trip him and now I have the option to kill him
No, he's dead
D&D's fun everyone as I said before
Meri-tay
Um, so
I
Oh god
Whatever feels right
Um, I
I
I'm overwhelmed. I just smack him really really fucking hard on to the ground. Yeah the back of the head just like big
And he's he's a big sleepy baby. He's out. Yeah big sleepy baby
Boss what happened?
Dyrth and Exivus are are distressed and are they still fighting us? Are those two dudes still trying to fight? Oh, yeah
Great. That's what happens when you don't listen to Flandal
Who's Flandal?
Exactly the problem
Wonderful, um, would you like beam beam to hurt one of the henchmen? Yeah
18 oh my god. Yeah roll roll your um, the six roll the six. Yeah
Five plus two is seven great
Great yeah, you're missing don't fuck with Jenn of Ahh
Is a monster something too powerful for my own comfort
Okay, that's coming from a person of can I be a god?
That brings us to Exivus and
Dyrth they do not take kindly the fact that you took their boss out. So they're both going to attack you
You know, they're going to attack you. One of them trips and falls trying to swing at you
With a natural one. Wow. She is prone
And the other rolls a
18 which I think hits you. Yeah
Um, so you are gonna take
Oh 15 damage. What? Jesus. Are you fucking serious? D12 12. Yeah
Yeah, okay plus three. Okay
15 damage
My god doesn't seem correct. He's got a they have big magic weapons
Yeah, they what the fuck?
oh
Sorry, you wanted to play dnd with like little stuffed animals
No, that's why i'm hanging back because I only have so little health. I'm like, no, that's cool
You thought these were like tiny? No, these are no. These are assholes. These are these are mean people
Yeah, can I curse at them and orc? Yeah, do you speak orc? Yes. Great sick
Fuck you you little piece of fucking fuck twad shit. Oh shit
Only my dad can talk to me like that. Well now your mommy does too
Tell him
Socks in the house as you spit blood
Um beautiful Flandel
Oh, wait. Yeah Flandel. It's your turn. Okay. Did they both go?
Exivus didn't they I thought one missed. Yeah. Yeah, well got natural one. That's right. That's right
He's prone right now prone, which means you have advantage on attacking him. Oh my god. Okay. Okay. All right with melee
Hold on a second. Milorn
Um, dret is one that's prone. Okay
so
Oh, I guess because Jenn knocks farnell out while you were grappling him. He just like kind of fell into your goo
You're just like holy. Yeah, it's just kind of cradle into goo
Okay
flandal you see gets like really really like tense as
Tenses like a goo could get
and then
Something shifts
and his light blue body becomes like
Torrid and like filled with like blue
sparkly like ink purple and and like
Mav and all the all these other colors are swirling inside. It's like getting super sparkly up in there and he's like
This is not the way this was supposed to go
He gets up and he looks like just a little bit bigger his his hands are like
Sharper they're like come to like little points and he's got like little crazy like like studs like
Biky studs that are just kind of like rippling all over his body and i'm going to go into a rage. Hell yeah
Yeah, please we need it. Yeah, and then I have to roll
D8 yeah
To find out what sort of weird magical thing happens
Oh, so uh, he is a wild magic barbarian
So, um all his rages have a special ability that he may or may not know what it would be
Oh, so I rolled a seven on that. That's why flandal tries to keep calm all the time
And what is it?
Flowers and vines temporarily grow around me until my rage ends the ground within 15 feet of me is difficult to rain for my enemies
How beautiful so beautiful. Oh my god
Landal is so upset and everything looks so beautiful
You hear in your head like hey, what are you guys doing over there?
It's like kind of tickles and you it's a zora kind of like messaging you and what's what's going on?
I'll handle this. Don't worry
And then he like stalks over to one of the other ones and just like swings
Uh the prone one or the not prone one the prone one good choice
Okay, I got a
16 oh 16 is great. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay cool
six plus
two
Rage is eight bludgeoning damage
yowza, yeah
Pique that's back to you
sickening I am going to can I can I detect if I detect magic that's like a
Side action right well means whenever
But does it count like I can't cast a like an attack. Yeah
Well, so technically you can't cast two spells at once at will
It's still a spell so it would be an action. Like what are you trying to do?
I want to attack but also like detect magic to see what's going on with their weapons
Like why are they so powerful because I just saw
Jenn of Ah really just they're both like taking it really. I mean like a great axe can do that amount of damage
It's just like but they had runes on them though, didn't they they do have runes on them. Yeah
Okay. Well, then I'm okay. I'm not gonna risk losing an attack. I saw the guy hit Jenn of Ah
really hard and so
I'm going to flip to another page and he needs to roll an intelligence saving throw
Uh-oh, that's even worse than the wisdom sure is yeah
Does a six beat your spell safety? No, okay, it doesn't um, so he suddenly gets a disorienting spike
of
psychic energy almost like
Probably the worst migraine he's ever experienced just suddenly
Just in the center of his forehead like through flooding his sinuses and around the crown of his head. This is mind
sliver
Oh, I need head on
Apply directly to the forehead
Um, and I am going to roll these
He takes four damage and
He takes four psychic damage and he's going to subtract one die four from the next saving throw that he makes
at the end
Yeah, so if anyone attacks him he has to take four at least four away
A one die four
Miss ava it is your turn
Can I use my breath weapon? Yeah, I'm gonna do that
Um, you can definitely get one of them without hitting
Flandle but you could get both of them, but you would also hit Flandel in that case
Oh god
What's your breath weapon? Um acid? I don't want to I don't want to I don't want that
I mean well
I don't want to table table talk. So let's not do what you do what you do
Would you be would you be careful with your allies and make sure to not get?
Flandle in the blast to try and hit both of them. Yeah, totally
Okay, cool then
Um, I believe breath weapon is a saving throw, right?
Must make a dex save. Yeah, that means yeah dc 12 dc 11
Uh, he succeeds um, so go ahead and roll a d10
30
Uh, so three so he takes three damage. Oh
Halved so he takes two
Looking messed up. Um, and then does beam beam attack? Yes
15 oh that hits. Oh
Roll a d6 plus two
Five
Seven
Um is
Now you showed restraint and did non-lethal damage, but does beam beam know to do such restraint? Oh my god
Oh my god. Wow. Wow. We're that's a lot of morality
Oh, we're breaking hammy right now
I guess fuck it. I don't control the drake. Yeah, I do but I don't you do but you don't
Yeah, I think that's just how it is. Little dragon is hungry. Yeah hungry for crotch
Crunch has a hunger only crotch can satisfy
I guess because i'm too emotional to be more creative
I think
He goes for the booty cheeks. I guess this time. I don't know. I'll mix it up
He just takes one cheek the other cheek and then it's legal. I'm like
Oh my god
um, and as he
Devours the delicious ass meat
Wow
He's an ass man
He likes what he likes he like kind of glows a little bit and like undulates light out of excitement of a fresh kill
You know once they taste that first little bit of blood it's it's over it's over like
He also hurt flandal so
Did
They had this coming. Are we okay with that team that I just killed him? Yes. These are criminals. Okay, that's
That's outside of characters that i'm saying. Yes. Yeah, okay
Yeah, okay great
flandals part of flandals like
This is so bad, but the other part of flandals like there will be blood. Yeah, look at my beautiful garden
Look at my rage garden fertilizer of death
Exivus kind of looks up and it's like what have you done to my brothers?
Oh
Exivus I think you know the answer to that
You won't make it off this ship alive
Oh, okay. That's how it has to be and exivus is going to swing wildly
at flandals, oh fuck me
shit
That doesn't eat hit it does not oh Flandel look out damn you
And he misses oh he's full of emotion
Full of emotion. He's fully throttled. Yeah, that was his first mistake. Yeah. All right, um Flandel
It's it's it's rage boys rage goo. Got it. Goo rage
You can see the weird like vines and flowers just like growing over the wrecked the corpse
over the wrecked the corpse corpse of
Of what's his face? Dreath. Yeah
Dreath was the nice one. Dreath was the nice one, too
Oh shoot
I love this like morality compass that we've established here
That's just a that's just a 10 to hit so I don't feel like it works
Wait
Oh my god, can I do I want to do a reckless attack? Yeah. Okay. Cool. Cool. Cool
Oh
Six plus uh
Four is ten plus two is twelve
Twelve bludgeoning damage, uh, is this lethal or non-lethal damage?
shoot
It's sounds lethal. It's lethal
It's lethal. How do you how do you kill this?
How do you kill this guy handle?
Landel takes his head
And just like his hand which is like normally like just like a like spike
Envelopes like the front part of his head like it smushes in there
And then he takes him down to the ground and then just keeps smashing his head into the deck of the ship
until it's
Like a pulp
Wow that looks like the juicy head earlier
Um one word of caution, um, not everyone is comfortable with gratuitous gore
Oh, that's true. Okay, so
That was okay, but I mean describe like the all the weirdness around
Yeah, but thank you for that. Yeah, that's good. That's good. I mean he did die
And he is dead and he is and Flandel isn't a rage. So oh, yeah. I'm just yeah
Yeah, but I understand we're like, yeah
No, i'm not gonna describe how all of the intestines into yeah, that's just stuff. That's not that's not yeah horny
Horny
Some of us get too horny too horny
You guys we just killed the
Not all of them not all of them, um, okay total watch I detect magic on these weapons
Uh, they're non-magical. They're non-magical, but they have runes
Yeah decorative runes
So they're just strong
They're just strong
I'm like, oh my god great access to a d12 and then they get a plus three to their strength
I'm like, are you are you two? Okay, are you?
Are you all right?
That was insane. Yeah Flandel just breathe
Breathe you did great breathe
You can kind of see him like he gets like a little smaller and all the little weird studs go away
And he turns back to like light blue
you can see like the color and the sparkles is sort of like
Like descending like below the collar of his shirt
um
If you don't say
Uh, I won't say anything about this if you don't say anything
If you don't say anything about this as far as we were concerned exactly. So, um, i'm gonna go up to um
farnell
Flannel baby deep breath
What did we do?
We did what we had to do
And I go up to farnell and I grab him and is he is he's passed out, right?
Yes, I shake him really hard. I'm trying to wake him up great because he's stable, right? Yeah, he's stable. Yeah
Um, he's you you rouse him. Why don't you wake up the one that's alive because
And I um, i'm gonna use my intimidation and I ask him
Why are you here? Uh, go ahead and roll
Uh, with advantage with advantage
Great yeah first one it's better
Just by a little bit, um 12 plus five so 17 17. Yeah, he's like he kind of like looks over
What did you do to dress answer my question? Okay, just like holy shit
What yeah, and that's what's gonna happen to you. I don't
I don't I don't know. It's the the aspirant of our precincts just wanted us to
uh get get get what's over here and be be careful not to
To handle the cargo but just what is the cargo?
It's old. It's an old old ship. We're not sure it's it's it's something
Something technical. I don't great. Who are you works? No better. Who are you working for?
the aspirant of threx so as just you would know that an aspirant is a um, kind of like a
governmental leader
Within them so like there are no monarchies in hearth space
Like there's no there used to be a dynasty of threx, but there's no longer. It's um, they're all roughly
Democratic, but not really
Okay
Usually some type of a council exists and then on threx. There's the aspirants cool. I go great
Is there anything else you would like to confess?
I miss my mommy. Don't we all and then I take my dagger out and I stab him in the throat
And I like an infernal like for hadar
Okay, whoa does anyone else speak infernal? No
No
Beam beam does speak infernal sick and it's like whoa
So I stand up I wipe the dagger off and I are you all okay
Does the does the like floral stuff start going away? It does it starts like it just sort of like starts fading away
Like it like it's you could see it's wilting and and then it turns to ash and then it blows away in the solar wind of space
Okay, yeah, and this was all happening still on the ship, right?
Uh-huh. Yeah observation day, right? Yes christ
Honestly that escalated very quickly
And was I just I just wanted to trip him make him not to jump
But you know we do what we have to do when you don't follow orders that got out of hand that got really really out of hand
And this is really really bad both of you look at me. Okay, everything is okay
They attacked us first
Peek I am suddenly very unnerved by your uh
Murderous tone and murderous. I didn't murder anyone and neither did you and neither did you it was all self-defense
That's the reason I started attacking because they attacked you and they attacked you
right
Yes
Hey guys, I don't mean to interrupt but uh, and I kind of get this feeling
That the charter guests aren't here anymore. They aren't and i'm detecting a little bit more bio matter
Getting absorbed into me the normal you know what there actually is some bio
You know they decided to go they jumped off the side of the of of the ship. We said no
No, don't do that. I start shoving the bodies off and you know like sandal help me
You know like sandal help me too. I see they left a little bit of a mess on the observation deck where they were
I don't know what it is. Maybe bio matter who knows they were dirty. I think all that juice really went through them
I told you they were going to waz
Yes, but they did say that we would get the full 10 points. They did they were very happy with us
Uh, give me a deception check
Flat because it would be with disadvantage, but you had help
But from you not for me with this one
17
All right, let's see if this ship uh, let's see how good this ship's inside
Uh, not good enough damn it pretty close. No, I mean the ship wasn't close. Oh yay
Sickening. All right. So they're just out there
Gathering and cleaning up the asteroids great. Um, i'm supposed to expect a payload, right?
I believe so. Absolutely. Okay, great. So i'll just um, and uh out appears this kind of like
Geodesic tree cage that's looking to like hold something
That's jutting out from the ship and it looks like it's just waiting for something from the asteroids to kind of be inside of it
Just have them send it over there
Okay
Perfect. We'll get right on that when they get back. Yep
Yep, we have time
We have time. Oh, breathe
Get some juice for christ's sake, okay. All right pull it together. I don't think I can eat anything right now
Uh, do you need a nap?
Miss ava, jen, I you don't seem very fine either you seem really high strung right now
Well, yes, we have a lot of shit to figure out after this tobacco. I mean, I think this tour is going rather well
Well, beam beam sniffing at one of the corpses beam beam. No, we pushed them off the ship
He was like sniffing where the corpses went
Beam beam. This is our secret. It stays between us. You understand
I'll find more shit for you to sniff later. Just not now
I think it would be smart if we um
Checked out their room to make sure that it was clean and tidy and up to par fantastic idea
Let's go
Okay, great. Come on Flandel. Okay, cool. Uh, help me out here
So what's your intention of going to the room? Like what are you looking for there?
Well one money that they could put it well because we were supposed to get that's what the ship was asking, right?
I'm looking or what the ship's looking there's the ship was expecting
Um something from the asteroid belts to have been put
into
Oh, okay. Okay. Yes something part of the cleaning initiative
There was something that they were going to collect as a specimen or something like that. Yeah god
Okay, never mind on that front. Yeah, i'm i'm looking for more information on who
Asked them to come to our ship specifically i'm looking for
blackmail material
Sickening because I am a blackmailer. You're gonna blackmail dead people. I'm going to blackmail whoever hired
Him great. Okay
Um, because he did say that his the other people knew more but they're dead. So right so um,
You don't
I'll tell you this you don't he unless you believe that he was lying to you in his last breath
The aspirant of his precinct would be who it is
So you're trying to figure out what precinct he's from within
The wreck in order to figure out who that aspirant is and possibly if there's information about what they were trying to get from
The astral sea in their room now that they would be sent with uh from the asteroid from that
Belt because that they're not in the astro
Oh, sorry my bad the asteroid belt. Yeah. Yeah the asteroids. Yeah
oof
What are they trying to get? I don't know
So scary it's a mystery spooky. It's a mystery. Oh, no
Oh, no, there's asteroids out there and they're just big and filled with mysterious things
Technology in there. I don't know
Prolable things relics from a time long past long past barbara. Oh, it's so long
No, i'm still not over the fact that that escalated so quickly. Yeah, that's so quickly. Yeah
Is that normal? Yeah. Okay. Cool. I mean no, maybe that's my character speaking
Oh my god, yeah, I guess not but great so now I know in my world
Yeah, if I try to trip somebody it could turn into death
Whenever I say oh you want to do something roll an attack
Uh, it probably means you're gonna start fighting. I mean, I mean think in like real life terms
If you tried to trip someone in real life, how would they react? I don't know. They'd fall and be like my bad dude, hopefully
Yes, if they are if they're evil people they will definitely be like oh good homie, I guess I forgot the evil part
Yeah, they're evil. They're bad. Yeah, you're good. Yeah. Yeah, you're sitting here like they seem suspicious. I'm gonna smack them
They'll be fine with that
I'm an empath
Um great. Well, great
Why yes, um, great. So y'all are just you've pushed the bodies off
um
I have to warn you so
Um, they just kind of float right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh
They're not even orbiting the physics of spell jammer means that there's like a gravity plane and so things like bob
in place on the plane like uh,
Like you would in the water so to speak. Okay
Would I have shoved them down like I feel like I would have like shoved them like out of or like under the ship
Or like trying to get them out of view there wouldn't be a good way an easy way to do that because when you push it off
it's almost as if like you would try and push it down on the other side, but like
It's it's like pushing up almost because like once you cross the gravity plane gravity is pointing in a different direction
So like above the gravity plane, uh up is down below it
It's not the case outside of the ship inside of the ship. Everything's right. It normally okay
I don't get it, but i'll understand soon
We'll draw we'll draw pictures, but um
Okay, if that's then back to that we would probably be dealing with that first before we go to that
Okay. Yeah, the corpses are just bombing we would slowly away, but we I would I would definitely be trying to have them
Help me hide the bodies. Yeah
um
Okay. Okay, uh we could do um
There's a um like a life vessel
Uh like a spare life vessel. Um, we can just shove them in there and then and then just jettison that off the ship
Like a like a ship like a little raft. Yeah, like a little raft like a little sounds great. Let's do it. Okay, great. Um
I can't carry bodies. I can yeah. I'm i'm look at these wrists. They're like so dainty and so tiny
We have a really hard time with anything. I know it's pathetic and I it's really embarrassing
I'll do it. I started it. I'll finish it. I love that
Sounds great
You definitely finished it and I will clean up the mess I made
Yes, i'll help. Okay, we're all in this together. How are you all are you are you okay? I know that you you both got hit a lot
Yeah, i'm feeling I mean I just I they took a little chunk out of me, but i'm okay
Yeah, it's it's okay. Okay. I am quite ill but I am fueled with rage
I'm sickening so it's fine. Um, let's get these bodies to that to that life. Okay. Okay. Let's go
Ship shouldn't know
I don't think the azure will know right?
About what about this?
about
Stowing it in the yeah, this ship probably
Yeah, it's fine. We they just wanted to take a nap real quick before they go on their huge adventure
Yeah, we told them how amazing the tour was going to be and they just decided to rest up a little extra
Um, wonderful, um, so you all have
Kid there's a the vessel is just up there on the ship. Um roll for existence possibly
Oh, oh, okay should can I can yeah. Yeah. Okay
Oh
I meant to like can I roll to help but uh, that's a four. Uh, it's actually been changed to a margarita machine
Um, fuck. Oh, wait. Oh, lay. Okay. Well, I'm going to have a margarita when we figure this out
Because I am stressed great roll for margarita
I will also have a margarita. I got a 17. That's a good margarita. All right, I'm probably
Uh, that's an 11. Oh, that's a fine margarita. Cool. Can I add margar can I add my margarita check? Yeah
Wait, what no, it's a lie
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
So you're having margaritas. There's a pile of course. I'm like just
Yeah, yeah
You all are floundering a little bit and into onto the observation deck
comes
serica
And serica kind of like takes a look assesses and says yeah
Azor was right to call me. All right, let's get this figured out. What'd y'all do?
Uh, they attacked us and so we had to um
Attack back. It was defense. Um, as you can see flandal and our celebrity influencer Jenn of Ah
Not doing well. I had to unleash beam beam. Yeah, you do look messed up
Yeah, they both okay were hit a few times. And so we had no choice. Um,
And this is in uh, thieves can't did you find anything out about from the room? Uh, just that they're
um from veil, um and that they
Were under orders to um kind of procure whatever was in these asteroids
They didn't say any specifics about what was in the asteroids
Okay, thank you we need to get rid of these bodies
Oh, I got it. I got it azor. There's been a spill at the margarita machine. Oh my gosh
Oh my gosh, this margarita machine is nuts. I thought you built this better. Whoops. I got two trucks
All of these like discarded limes. It's just like so much organic matter. I hope you like really incinerate it
Why is there so much salt?
and it was worth like
Yeah, sarika. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I should have done that. Um, let me let me take care of that and like
this, um kind of like undulating wave of alloy wood kind of comes up and then like
Just kind of goes over it gently and then it's forms this bump and then the bump just kind of like goes into the ship
sick
That's like some style razor. That's really creepy
Yeah, that's
That's really scary
That could have been me
Yeah, Pique doesn't get scared and that was like oh my god
Fuck
I don't know. That was a sweet thing. It was a giant snake. It was sweet and scary
Yeah, it was definitely hell razorish
Or it just opens up and swallows the bodies and a margarita machine
Yeah, the margarita machine's gone now, too. Yeah, I I I finished my margarita. I just put it down
That one gets absorbed too. I'm like, uh
um
Jesus
Whoa, well technically everything solid that's not like your clothing or personal belongings is of the ship, right?
Okay, the bodies the bobbing bodies they're gone. They're gone. Oh wait that too. Yeah
That was the cover that was that was the lie I told you
You're good Jenn you just uh, you've had a traumatic experience and it's completely a big margarita a big margarita
Do you feel better? You feel a little bit much better? So I guess
Do you do you do we want to check out the asteroids or what? We have to we have to put
something in this cage
I I turned a Flandel. I go you you tried to stop them initially
What do you what's well, there's something great that
I don't know. There's just something going on in that
the
They're like relics. They're like, uh, uh artifacts or or the pieces of like an old ship
It would have been really bad for them to have like hacked into it. I just didn't know I didn't want them to get hurt
I didn't know
Flandel's stay with me. Look at me. Look me in the eyes. Everything is okay
You were defending yourself
And you were doing it for the good of the ship. You are the best tour guide that this ship has to offer and more
Okay
exactly
Don't freak out on me good. Mm-hmm
Say I have a precious goo boy. I am a precious goo boy. You're the best goo boy. I'm the best goo boy
Okay, you know what? You're the best goo man. Oh
Wow
Okay, i'm feeling better. I actually this is helping i'm the best goo man. Yeah, okay
Okay, we should we should go though we should go
If we get the
I think if we get the thing and then we can just say that we got we just got the thing we put it in there
And then as long as I think the thing is back and then we could just say that they left somehow
Um, you you think we should give it to whoever's looking for it. Well, I don't know if we just get it then
Well, it's it's all about the pristine points, right? Like we need maybe
Do you think there's a way to neutralize whatever is out there?
Yeah, I mean, I think we'd have to we'd have to see what if we neutralize it and then give it to whoever what so who's it
We should at least maybe just see what we're dealing with. Yeah, maybe we can make a decision. Okay. Okay, that's great
You seem really
Calm you seem really good at this. Yeah
oddly good at this
Well my backstory
It just seemed really I just I really understand as I've as I've said, um, I
In my interview
I've given a lot of tours and I have a lot of experience with all kinds of crazy shenanigans that happen on a tour
Dear I'm gonna tell you right now
I've been on a lot of fucking ships and I have been around a lot of messed up people and this is not normal
Oh, well, you've never been on my tour
Now I am extra scared but we are homies now, so I hope that counts for something in the future
Oh, no, we're good. We're fine. I'm really glad that you're okay and that beam beams. Okay. Thank you
Me too. Beep. Beep. Yeah, and I put my my hand on flame like oh and I'm really glad that you're okay
Thanks. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, I'm oddly grateful for your expertise in this moment
Um, saraca, saraca kind of looks like you you guys uh give each other a lot of pep talks
saraca
Saraca, I say in thieves can't i'm like flandal is literally hanging by a thread
I feel like he's gonna just break at any moment. I'm doing this for the good of this is this is completely selfish
Sarah kind of just like says to you like you've got probably like five or ten minutes before the captain comes out because like
This is kind of weird. Good. Thank you. Good to know. All right, i'm gonna head out
All right
See you there's a little bit of like um of like we were talking about margaritas that whole time. Okay
What do you think catalac or is it just kind of like oh my god have you ever had casadores like oh i'm good with
The muskal margarita. Wow. I love it when they use the black salt. That's delicious. Yeah
This podcast brought to you by casadores. Yeah skinny. Yeah
Yeah, that's all and so you both are like
What yeah, so that's what we were talking about
But um, so I so I look at you both and like the captain's gonna be here in five to ten minutes if we're gonna head
Out to the asteroid we should probably
Go, yeah, we should go with that sense of purpose in mind
What were you gonna say? Oh, honestly, i'm feeling very fucked up right now and I don't know
With my ailing health at the moment if it's a good idea for me to go out
out there but
Yes, that's all I was going to say
We got you. Yeah, we got you. We got you
How many hit points do you have? I have 11 left. Okay
Do we have to take it like a like a short rest?
This is constituted short rest while we're trying to like while we're drinking margaritas and trying to figure out what happens
Yeah, I think that like with a sense of resolve and a desire to
Put together what's going on here you
take a short rest and are yourselves for this kind of
Foreign yet familiar technology that you're about to encounter
Um and with that I think that's the end of episode two
seconding
Good god, congrats
Wow that really did escalate quickly
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