How many times am I gonna cross this out?
This is gonna be so fun.
This is a good time, everyone.
Speaking of good times, welcome to Queers on Dice, the most hoppin' spell-jamming podcast
this side of the Milky Way galaxy, hosted by Queer People.
It's the perfect thing.
We are all queer performers excited to bring you actual play D&D content with a bit of
a space opera vibe.
To kick things off, let's go ahead and do a round of introductions.
Oh, hey everyone.
My name is Nick.
I am an actor and a person, and I am playing Flandal, who's a plasmoid barbarian.
Flandal, okay, so Flandal's a plasmoid, so he just sort of puts things inside of him,
and then they slowly, over time, break down.
He's slightly translucent, so yesterday you could see just a really meaty lasagna just
kind of hanging out until it wasn't anymore.
That's disgusting.
It's pretty gross, right?
I love it.
Sofras.
Nothing comes closer to home.
I miss a beat.
It's all in there.
It's really awful.
It's terrible.
It's a jail I live in.
It's a prison.
Is it my turn?
I think it is.
Hi.
I'm Lisa Frankenstein, and I am a drag performer, and I play Pique, the tiefling warlock.
And my fun fact is that jumping spiders have eyes on the back of their head, and they are
the smartest spider of the spider kingdom.
And that will connect to Pique somehow in a very exciting fashion.
Probably not.
You didn't specify it had to be a fun fact about me or my character.
You just said fun fact, and that is a fun fact for myself.
Can I just say that the player's rules lawyer has made themselves known?
Well, actually.
And I love it.
I'm here for it.
The people need representation.
Yeah.
Thank you for that fun spider jumping fact.
Yeah, of course.
Little jumpin' spider.
Dear sweet Hammy.
Hi.
I am Saharla, but you're not going to be able to pronounce that, so you can call me Hammy.
And I am a dancer, drag artist.
Any art form I can get my hands on.
That makes my money.
And my character's name is Jenn of Ah, sexy dragonborn.
And my fun fact is that when she's feeling a little down, life's a little low, she sings
Say My Name by Destiny's Child in the mirror.
Very intensely.
Relatable.
And it's beautiful.
Nobody should see it.
Wow.
Private moment.
Private.
Dear listeners, I want you all to know that we are all doing this explicitly for the
money.
When we got together and said what's the fastest, easiest, and most lucrative thing that we
could do, and it was a podcast that came out on top.
And that's why I started drag.
Exactly.
You get me.
So I could get money.
That's why I'm acting in my mid-30s.
That's why I'm doing drag in my mid-30s.
That's why I'm starting a podcast in my mid-30s.
Well, now I'm realizing I should make a career shift real rapidly.
You still have time.
Never mind.
Save yourself.
This is actually just a long-form Dickens novel.
We're all the future.
It was the worst of times.
It was still the worst of times.
It was awful all the time.
And my name is Eris.
I am also a drag artist slash serial DM.
So I am your humble game master here to bring you into the world of hearth space and spell
jamming and the astral sea.
Wonderful.
And so we are all performers in our own right here to just kind of make more queer content
because that's what life's about, baby.
And it's going to be awesome.
Let's get into it, shall we?
Yay.
Yass queen.
Yass.
House down.
Sleigh boots, titties on.
Kakada, kak, kak, boom.
House down, sleigh boots, catty on.
Something about a titty.
Charlie XCX.
Wow.
I'm glad we have one distinct catchphrase.
Someone said branding.
Excellent.
Let's get this spread.
Sounded like you were questioning that.
I don't know.
What do the kids say these days?
I don't know.
What's this TikTok I hear all about?
Wonderful.
Our time begins in an era of interplanetary peace amongst the stars.
A solar system of seven planets.
Hearth space is a system isolated from the astral sea.
It's where you feel safe.
It's where you feel like you, you know.
Part of the isolation of the astral sea means that there are no kind of like weird visitors
to kill the vibes of pure peace and happiness that exists amongst you all.
No one's unhappy.
Ever.
No.
Yeah, it's impossible.
How could we be?
There's no way.
And within hearth space, seven planets are Ceres, the planet of the Tabaxi, Kalastor,
which is actually a shattered planet, but it is the origin of the plasmoid people, Mar,
the planet of the tieflings, Krimva, the planet of elves, Valkior, the planet of Dragonborn,
and Threk, the planet of the orcs.
And the final planet of our solar system is Ulthu, the harmonious planet that was formed
in an age of peace.
It was uninhabited and then occupied by all various ancestries to bring a kind of a chord
amongst all.
And that, dear space intrepid traveler, is where we begin.
Wow.
Amazing.
Space noise.
Gaze in space.
We're going to save so much on a sound effects person.
That's what I'm saying.
A Foley artist?
Yeah, that's right.
Every laser will pew pew it.
Set these lasers to slay.
We are working.
Do you get it?
Ulthu is a rather metropolitan planet, whereas all the other planets still have major pockets
of nature and beauty and some preservation of culture.
Ulthu did away with all that.
It's a mishmash of whatever people could bring into this uninhabited area.
And then just through the advent of magic and advancements of space travel technology,
it's turned into this almost like a sprawling combination of New York City and Vancouver.
Oh.
So like seaside and it's a little nice, a little gritty, a little tall, a little sprawling.
You betcha.
From the outside looking in, it has a nice lavender tone all across.
And that's just because of the artificial, artificial, what do you call it, atmosphere
that permeates the air.
It smells like lavender.
Yum.
And looks like lavender.
Could it be lavender?
Lavender?
Yeah.
It's a very literal place.
And our story begins on a beautiful seafoam ship called the Light Azor.
This ship is a seafoam, but if you look closely, it's actually still made of wood.
It's almost structured like a big, a big ship, like a yacht, but less fancy, less polished.
Not like our mega yachts of today.
This is a yacht of yesteryear in space.
Azor is one of its kind.
It is a luxury eco-tourism vessel for Pristine Ventures LLC.
And you all are its illustrious crew.
Well.
And how?
Hot dog.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is support.
The worst part is I was not supporting.
I was stating how I, nothing, nevermind, continue.
Oh, you're not part of the crew.
I'm not part of the fucking crew.
No.
Well, then that-
We'll explore that, right?
That's actually a great introduction.
I think that through time and narrative structure to break that fourth wall comes Jenn of Ah, the
beautiful copper dragonborn that says, fuck no, I'm not on the crew.
We can say fuck, by the way.
Absolutely fucking can.
Yeah, fuck.
Fart.
Oh, fudge stick.
Oh, shut up.
I mean, fuck.
I'll get there.
Lisa's going to work their way up for sure.
Jenn of Ah is, where could we, where would we find Jenn of Ah in the ship right now in Azor?
Jenn of Ah would be in the spa, my darling.
Now is a beautiful time-
To tell me that there's no spa?
No.
Oh, okay.
Keep going.
To roll for existence.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
Okay, the beautiful thing about the ship Azor is aside from our quarters and the captain's
room or the captain, what do you call that thing?
The quarters?
The galleys?
No.
The captain's quarters.
So I was going to roll for existence.
Yeah, let's get out of this hole.
Which sparkle dice do I do?
Get the-
The big one?
The D20.
Yeah, that's the D20.
Okay.
And roll it for us.
12.
So in order for a room that is not either the quarters or the control room to exist,
you must get above a 10.
Oh, yay.
And so the spa is there for you.
Fuck, yes it is.
The dice have said there's a spa.
Incredible.
Jenn of Ah is simply lounging in the spa, cucumber-esque fruit veggie on eyes, butt naked of course
in the sauna, as she do.
The scales gotta be throwing out the toxins that build up in them as it do be.
Do be.
As it do be do be do.
Because you are a copper dragon.
Because I am a copper dragonborn.
Yes, indeedy, sweetie.
Sippin' on a little tropical bevragino.
That's it.
Wonderful.
Steaming away.
And you're just there kind of lounging about and then you hear some kind of like bubbling.
Just like, oh, something's under the water.
And sure enough out pops.
Beam beam.
Oh, my dear sweet baby boy.
Hello.
Hi hi hi.
My sweet.
Beam beam is of course your?
Drake.
Your Drake.
Your pet Drake.
My pet Drake.
What kind of Drake is it?
Everyone collectively wants to know.
Your Drake is a radiant Drake.
The radiant dragons are a spell jammer unique creature.
And so we were like, oh, that looks cool.
Is that allowed based on FizzBand's Treasury of Dragons, Drake Warden class?
Absolutely not.
And I don't care.
We have the power.
I do what I want when I want it.
Iconoclast.
Exactly.
And if anyone doesn't like that, well, you should stop listening.
Please, please, please.
Please keep us on.
Yeah, we die if you turn us off.
That's actually we go away.
Yeah.
Wait, what?
And now you'll notice that attached to your pacemaker is.
Wonderful.
Yeah, don't roll a one.
Don't roll a one.
With an else you die.
The nerdiest saw.
Really high stakes.
I don't know if I want to play anymore.
Inside your eyeball is a die for.
And so, Jen, tell us a little bit.
What's what's on Jenn of Ah's mind?
You haven't you haven't really been on Tele on Crystal Vision in a number of years.
Like what's Jen's next move?
I am trying to figure that out in this fucking hot ass sauna right now.
I tell you that much.
I can't necessarily go back to my planet because God knows those bitches are jealous with a
capital J and I don't need that energy in my life.
Beam beam doesn't need that poor thing gets so stressed around the jealous hussies.
Oh, can I say I can say hussies.
Hussies.
Fuck and hussies are on the approve the hussies.
And honestly, the ship I was supposed to come here and help revive its terrible reviews
and not the best vessel to be on compared to others at this moment in time.
And truly, I'm feeling lost.
Feeling in need of a new journey.
New journey.
I'm hoping that some motherfucker on this ship has an exit plan for me, you know, mention
something and I'm like, aha, that's my next move.
I feel it in my gut.
Beam beam fails it.
And we're going to cut away.
Someone deep in their thoughts in their own quarters, we see a little, little adventurous
guy.
Take us there.
Where are we?
Yeah.
OK, so Flanders room is it's filled with a bunch of books about like, like, the like
fantasy national geographics about like the different planets.
And they're all like, you know, color coded and like arranged on some shelves in like
perfect order.
And there's encyclopedias and a lot of pens.
It's all the same pen.
It's his favorite pen.
And there's a closet that's kind of like full of just it's sort of like a Doug Funnies
closet.
You open it up and it's just like all the same wardrobe.
Not a Doug Funny reference.
So sorry.
Is that chill or we chill with Doug Funny?
Doug is great.
I don't know her.
So go.
Oh, my goodness.
I knew it.
I'm old.
I feel like dust and I want to die.
Oh, my God.
You can know things of the time of birth.
What is it?
So you see Flandal standing in front of a full length mirror.
He's buttoning up his his white shirt.
He's putting on a green sweater vest and he's just sort of schlorping his his light blue
translucent goo body into that.
And two sort of like like kind of stubby arms appear and they fill the sleeves and two stubby
legs appear and they sort of fill his black trousers.
He picks up his his little clipboard for the day just to check the day's itinerary agenda,
what he's got on his list of things to do.
And oh, he forgot something on his desk.
A little like pseudopod whips out and snags a pair of dark black rimmed glasses.
And he pops those into his face where eyes should be so cool.
Swag monster 3000.
And they just sort of drift in the head area.
A little askew.
So stylish.
And he stands in front of the mirror and he says, you are strong.
You are brave.
You have everything you need.
Yeah, facts.
Affirmations are important.
They are important.
They're what like really moves you forward.
And so they do move Flandre forward in a lot of ways.
What is Flandre really excited about upcoming?
What's motivating Flandre this fine day?
Flandre knows that we're going to be touching down pretty soon in one of the in the place
that we're heading to.
Yeah, Flandre is like we're making planet fall really soon.
To all through.
Yeah.
Wonderful.
Great.
You're excited about that.
I love the like the tentative toe touching of narrative.
Exactly.
It's like it is.
Is that okay?
Oh, I fully went for it.
No, it's real.
That's the truth though.
Wonderful.
And there's one other place we'd be remiss if we didn't visit.
Dear Sweet Pique, where do we find you on this auspicious day?
I think I've I've gotten dressed.
Is there is there a uniform for the for the tour guides?
100%.
Yeah.
Okay.
Maybe I like have like I don't have my tour guide uniform on but I have it like with me
and I'm eating breakfast in the buffet cafeteria and I'm just like trying to wake up and trying
to think about everything and like in my head thinking about like what I'm what my next move
is going to be on this ship and I'm so tired of the bathrooms moving and constantly being
under construction and then not under construction and I'm just so glad that the cafeteria was
here this time.
Or should I roll for the cafeteria?
I think you should roll for buffet.
I feel like a cafeteria would exist but like what is the cafe?
What isn't the cafe?
Oh well I figured like on ships there's usually like wherever where there's like constant
buffet type style eating happening and then there's like the fancier restaurants that
people can eat at and I'm just in the like standard cafe buffet style like place where
I've got.
Like the mess hall.
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna roll for that.
That sounds real.
Okay.
Yeah.
I feel like it would be.
Sounds about right.
Sure.
I feel like it would be crazy if the ship got rid of all of the food on the ship.
Like oh the ship's trying to kill people now.
Cool cool cool.
Cool cool cool cool cool cool.
But yeah that's that's what I'm doing so I'm like finishing up my breakfast and the ship
is about to dock so I have to get into my uniform and then wave people wave people goodbye.
Thank you for traveling with us.
Brilliant.
And just like that you do hear an announcement over the intercom.
Hello everyone.
We are about to dock.
Please make sure that you make your way to the landing base so that we can see our final
charter of the season off.
Thank you very much.
And this is Maximus out.
Was that good?
Yeah that was good sir.
Thank you.
And so with that you've all been back into the landing bay.
What I'm most curious about is how does Jen get what does Jen wear what does Jen get dressed
on?
Fucking A. I was trying to relax god damn it.
These bitches just keep on moving.
Okay.
Very reluctantly and nakedly walk directly back to my room without a fucking care in
the world and I put on my travel outfit which consists of a sexy sleek skin tight blazer
and some nice ABBA style pants actually.
They have a nice flare at the bottom.
They have a little sparkle glimmer and it's all copper baby so I look butt ass naked and
gleaming how I like it.
And of course I'm adorned with various jewels and you know ornaments such as brooches all
over my scales and my body.
My tail has at the very end a little shiny what do you call it cover that I place on
it and just you know and it's a little it's a little sharp just in case I have to like
lightly whack a bitch or beam beam to get back into line you know.
Just like soft protection just in case that's non-lethal.
You hit your dog?
No I gently tap beam beam when it is an instructive test.
Yes it's an instructive it's called training and sometimes beam beam gets a little too
out of this world dare I say and goes a little rogue and I just need to pop move him back
into shape really quick.
Just a little bump nothing more.
I mean it is a dragon.
It's a fucking dragon.
You think that bitch is just in line 24 7 no.
Not a helpless little puppy.
Absolutely not.
This is not a demure house pet.
This is an active lethal animal.
Wonderful so you all are making your way to the landing bay and as you are walking through
navigating the various kind of changing pathways of the ship it's almost as if the core path
the main hallways never change but you pass by various rooms one more than half of them
say under construction or changing or you even see that the sign is slowly morphing
out of this kind of metal wood is shifting almost under juridic control and you're very
much reminded that that other voice besides Maximinus was actually the ship Azor a sentient
ship the light Azor is unique in the entire fleet of pristine ventures in the sense that
it was created in order to be able to be the best accommodations that gold could buy within
heart space it's meant to anticipate people's whims but trying to anticipate all of the
whims might be a little too whimsical luckily there are a few controls in place that make
sure that you are able to get to the key thing and so you all descend into Ulthun for what
it's worth the ship is smooth it's almost as if that gravitational magic just gently
ebbs and carries you softly like babes born into the currents and suddenly you're atop
the inky black waters of Ulthun.
Or on top of the water?
Yeah.
Standing on water?
No no no well the ship like Jesus?
Well the ship's...
Yes.
Sorry yeah.
The ship great I just needed information.
The ship can float.
But we float.
Like Moses.
Baby Moses in a basket of reeds.
We got biblical.
I thought that's where we were going right?
The ship the ship the ship is there yeah it's it's it's like when you stand in the boat.
I'm scared if I can walk on water.
You know what I'm saying?
It's like when you're in a boat and then the boat is in water.
And you're standing in the boat?
You're in the boat?
We're in the boat.
Oh!
We're in the boat?
I thought we were levitating off of the boat.
I mean it's tech...
The planets are boats?
It's a spaceship too right?
It's like it's like one of those planes that can land on water.
Got it thank you that's very helpful.
The crucial explanation.
Yeah I completely understood where you were coming from.
You will sink if you get into the water.
Again yes logic that was what I thought.
Okay great.
Metallic planks shoot out from the dock into the ship.
You see that a really just a really happy family of elves is kind of like bounding off the
ship.
Just two two gay dads and their three daughters and they just had a very wonderful time.
They look like they're gonna leave a good review.
I want to like Flandel from the docking bay that kind of waves like a sheet of paper over
after them.
So please don't forget to fill out your your guest surveys.
They're very important if you could just make sure that gets filled out and then placed
in the box and thank you.
Bye.
You were wonderful thank you bye I won't do that.
Okay.
They do go up to Maximinus and and shake his hand and hand him like a little envelope.
With that they're off and you know that you have about a day just kind of like sitting
here in this dock to kind of contemplate how that trip went with the elven family.
They were a very simple mission.
They were just wanted to observe some of some space nature and go whale watching and see
the kendori.
The kendori those are like whales you said?
Space whales yeah.
Space whales.
Yeah if you could imagine orca but with like glowing lights embedded everywhere all over
them.
Whoa.
Do they speak full sentences or do they make whale noises?
They are telepathic but they make whale noises.
Creepy.
Stunning.
I hate it.
Thank you.
Yeah they talk like that now.
Maximinus looks around at the crew and it's like my illustrious crew let us all meet in
the in the control room at once.
Post haste.
Charlotte Cuddery?
My name is Maximinus and I am not James Bond.
I've told you a million times I am not part of the crew but I'll be at the meeting.
You're my favorite crew member Jenn of Ahal you really always have been.
With that you're all in you all follow him to the control room yes?
Yeah definitely.
As a special guest yes.
As a special guest.
Wonderful.
And then the control room which based on the name you'd expect screens and buttons.
Oh my god the bridge.
The bridge.
No it should be the bridge.
Le Brige.
Hon hon hon hon hon.
Yeah the bridge is so much better than the control room.
Yeah.
We'll go with the bridge.
But that's not what is in the bridge.
The bridge is really just one big wheel that is purely decorative because this is a sentient
ship and it just flies on its own.
The ship also just like speaks full sentences so really it's just a room with little rickety
chairs facing the front and a projector and a projector screen for the really fancy presentations
but otherwise it's just a room with plastic chairs.
So is the captain just solely decorative then?
The captain isn't decorative.
I mean.
The captain is integral to the way that the ship functions.
Whatever you say.
Sure.
He's integral to the way the ship functions.
The captain has a very special way of talking to Azor that no one else really can.
No one else can.
You're absolutely right.
Give me a history check.
Marshmallow.
I just like to say Marshmallow.
Got a nice schmaw.
Someone was saying the other day that the ship is just a little bit more
mysterious.
James Bond they somehow mixed up Martini and Margarita and they were like James Bond does
not order Margaritas.
He should.
Very silly.
I would live for a James Bond on Margaritas.
I feel like that would be a more energetic, like there would be a dance number in the
middle of the movie.
I don't know.
James Bond and let's turn up and get these Margaritas.
And then it's like flashing strobe lights and you're at a discotheca.
So I got a seven history.
So I don't I don't know any better.
Yeah with a seven he does.
You tell that you ask the ship to do things sometimes and the ship just kind of is like
no.
So maybe.
Okay.
Like please create this bathroom.
Please open this bathroom.
Five more feet down the hall.
You think.
Thank you.
Dear crew I'm so glad you're here and we had another successful adventure.
We didn't see the whales, but the family was very happy and he waves his little envelope
and they gave us a tip and he opens it up and inside are little cardboard cutouts of
every single person on the ship.
And so they made a family made a little paper dolls for every single one of you.
Scratch that out of my notes to be fucking kidding me.
I think they're sweet.
Jenn of Ah sweet does not pay bills.
What those do you have?
Jennifer you have everything you could ever want on this ship.
You're so right.
Never mind.
I don't have bills either.
What are bills?
Sir, what does your cutout look like?
Show everyone.
I want to see an example.
All right here.
And it's actually a origami stack of money.
I'm so happy that we have these cutouts.
This one seemed a little different.
It was a little plainer.
I feel like you all got the really good end of the deal.
It's just they're so true to life.
Landles clearly has jelly smeared on it.
Piques has these toenails that are glued on to look like horns.
And then Jen's is just copper pieces just taped onto it.
At least they got my vibe.
And you got money too technically.
So that's true.
Oh my gosh.
You are so right.
Flandreau.
This is why you're my favorite.
You little smarty pants.
You stop.
Okay.
Anyways, enough about how much you all adore me.
I just want to say that I received this letter upon landing here in Ulthun from pristine
ventures.
Oh my God.
Congratulations.
Insert ship name.
You're only 10 pristine points away from qualifying for astral missions.
Oh my God.
Showcasing and preserving the unbridled beauty of the astral sea.
While one pristine point requires insert current conversion rate, man hours on job.
We at pristine ventures want to offer you an opportunity.
Based on your pristine record, we'll reward you with 10 pristine points upon successful
completion of the load job.
You have one cyclone from receiving this to accept this once in a lifetime offer.
I'm sorry, captain.
I'm having a hard time understanding you.
Was that a blow job or blow job?
The blow job is the one that's blow this letter that I received.
Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
The blow job.
Thank you, captain.
It clarifies things.
It sure does.
Does it?
Okay.
The blow job.
Blow job.
Dear enunciate.
Not above.
For crying out loud.
Not above.
It's blow.
As above.
So blow.
As above.
So blow.
It's like my one accent.
I don't have any.
It's perfect.
That's all you need.
It's perfect.
There's nothing wrong with it.
I just genuinely heard blow job and I was like, oh, it's that kind of podcast.
Okay.
I have to roll for suckage.
What?
Is that animal handling?
Yes.
I'm asking.
These are the key questions.
What spells do I have?
Well, I have, what's that one?
Mirror image.
So let's go.
That's somebody's fantasy for sure.
That's my fantasy.
I don't need to know that.
How did you know?
Wonderful.
Flannel, in the several years that you've been with this venture, you've never received
an email directly from pristine ventures even acknowledging your existence.
I think ever since the beginning failures, y'all were kind of written off.
One great thing about the structure of this franchise is that it's one of the few organizations
within all of hearth space that is actually able to leave under very controlled circumstances
into the astral sea.
Now the astral sea is this other worldly space outside of space, so to speak, where you can
just travel, not actually worry about food or drink and the power of thoughts actually
have some type of sway there.
It's the sea of gods and well as other worlds that are able to visit.
So nature out there is wild and vastly different.
While hearth space can be dangerous, there's plenty of untamed areas, it would be a completely
new source of income for you all to get there and hence why Maximinus is very excited at
the prospect of being able to get out there.
Yes.
And so Maximinus continues.
Show everyone, as you know, this is all I want.
Ever since my father put me in charge of this ship, this has been my goal all these years.
And I couldn't have done it without you all.
Specifically the number of you.
I don't know if any one of you specifically is the reason for it being my success, but
I do have to say that you all collectively have been some amount of important to my success
and for that I thank you.
You're so welcome.
And thank you.
I will not be thanking you after that slight snob, so do without what you will.
Whenever a celebrity is coutty with me I feel important.
Fuck.
I think he was boosting us up.
He was you darling.
You were on different levels.
It's okay.
It's nothing personal.
Okay, I got it.
Just lie.
Yeah.
I adore you.
Thanks.
I think every time that like I think that the captain is going to just shatter you,
I'm like and then you're always like yes and I'm like oh god thank god.
You're so positive Flandre and I miss that part of my youth.
Jen is actually canonically the oldest character on the ship.
On the ship?
Yeah.
I want to ask but I know that's wrong.
And you will not and I will not answer.
And I won't.
Boop.
Just nose boop.
Boop.
It's a little like.
Squish.
And with that he hands out a sheet of paper to all of the crew.
There's the first mate, the alloy engineers, just everyone out and about with their little
papers and they're reading it.
And so it's a little bit of a docket about who your next charter member is.
And that would be Farnel the Orc.
And this final mission is kind of a standard one that you all have.
It's asteroid cleaning which doesn't seem very eventful.
It's kind of a standard job that you would always take.
Asteroid cleaning.
It's weird.
It's almost like the people that pay to go on these types of charters, it's almost like
this self-inflicted punishment to like make themselves feel better.
But they're excited to do it you know.
It's like yeah we're gonna go clean up the galaxy.
But you know in the grand scheme of things like the asteroids aren't hurting anything.
They're natural.
They're just there so you're just making space for more space.
Oh.
Space for space.
It's deep.
I think I listened to that boy band when I was in high school.
And so you know this Farnel is bringing two other Orcs onto this beautiful charter.
So we're really just, we're just cleaning up the asteroids just to get them like just
out of space right?
Make an investigation check.
I feel like we haven't done anything like this yet.
Are we touring the asteroids while cleaning them?
Like are we not touring?
What's the sites?
Yeah so that's a great point.
So I thought one of the tenets of pristine ventures was to leave things better than you
found them.
Yeah and better is getting rid of those dumb rocks.
Oh.
I suppose you're right.
In a certain way they are kind of, I mean we wouldn't want anybody to run into them.
I suppose.
Well canonically those rocks are dumb.
They have no intelligence.
There are some rocks that do have intelligence.
These don't.
And how are we supposed to clean these up?
I mean do we have any kind of vaporizing equipment or do we put them in a net and drive them
into the water?
I'm sorry I'm really just riffing here.
No it's a wonderful question and hopefully by the time we get there Aesor will figure
it out won't you Betty?
Yeah sure.
So is Farnell overlooking this cleaning?
Oh Farnell wants to take part in it.
Oh.
He's the charter guest.
Oh.
The charter guest wants to clean on vacation.
He wants to save the space.
Yeah he wants to save space isn't that?
Space is safe.
That's the reason we're here.
What?
I think I have.
Jen with your incredulity I'm gonna give me an insight check.
Plus seven.
So 16 plus seven.
Is that right?
That feels too high.
Plus seven.
That feels like a lot.
That is a lot.
Ranger C probably would be pretty good at it.
Yeah you're efficient in it so yes it is a plus seven.
Jesus Christ.
That was a 23.
I'm a powerful bitch.
23 insight.
Perspicacious.
Here's the thing.
You're putting something together here.
So this person in order to rent a sentient ship to go into space is number one Rich.
Number two who actually wants to clean rocks?
This seems weird and so as you read through the list you're starting to pick up a couple
of things that don't really make sense.
Like number one none of them have the same last name.
They're not related and it doesn't say anything about what they're celebrating why this is
important.
The lack of information around this mission in particular makes it strange.
And so with that.
Just as I suspected.
So you.
I'm hot on a case.
Your take away should be with such a high roll you anticipate that you should probably
be guarded with these people.
I think this sounds like a great mission.
I'm so glad we're only going to be 10 points away.
This seems like really easy to do.
Yes I never thought I'd see the day that we could get 10 pristine points in one mission
and so I am possibly blinded by greed and ambition.
But oh well.
Greed and ambition.
No we're going to clean rocks.
This is great for the environment.
More space for space right.
That's the way Pique.
Exactly.
Yes.
You always just.
It always seems like it's get later and later in the day for you to pick up that that pep
but you get it.
You just got a peek through.
Great.
It's really good.
Thanks.
How long have you been sitting on that one waiting for the perfect moment.
Oh I got a ton of them.
It's my name.
So hear it all the time and say it all the time I guess when it's convenient.
So the three orcs that are going to be joining you in a couple hours actually are named Farnell,
Dreath and Ixivus.
Three orcs are kind of look pretty rough is what I would say.
You would expect like nobleman like noble orcs to be on here like the pictures should
be of like people in like maybe the opulent robes that are associated with the threat
dynasty but none of that.
You just they look like they have spacer jackets and they have some battle scars.
So can I roll to see if I recognize them.
Yeah totally.
Give me a perception check.
I am not super perceptive.
That's a 15.
You am you've actually sold merchandise to Ixivus at one point in your life.
Years ago perhaps a lifetime ago.
To Ixivus?
But he's probably a good person.
This is probably fine.
Well great people.
I'm so sorry I like want to keep doing the maximus voice but like I shouldn't because
he's not actually stepping into me.
We're great people.
I know he is actually.
I feel like he was.
We're such great people.
We are.
Yeah his daddy really did a good job putting him in charge of the ship.
He's a nepo baby.
That's what I heard about my competitor.
He's a nepo baby.
I don't even know what that means but it's something of a mean thing to say to an audience.
To another person.
To another rich person.
Another rich person.
Well I'm not rich.
I'm a scrappy captain of a fighting vessel.
You sure are scrappy.
Ouch!
Splinter!
This is a fighting vessel?
Yes look at this.
Look at this projector.
That's a fighting projector and he like flicks on the light switch and it doesn't turn on.
It's like yes.
It never does what it's expected.
You know I've never been so intimidated in my life.
Yes.
Perfect.
Keep you on your toes.
You'll learn someday.
So when the hell are we meeting these bitches?
Well I was hoping that you would be a part of the landing crew for them in one hour Jen.
I mean I think seeing a dragonborn of your stature would just really seal the deal and
get us an extra big tip this time.
Maybe they'll give us real dolls instead of paper dolls.
Wouldn't that be fun?
Real dolls?
Sure.
Like the sex doll?
No!
Jesus Christ Pete!
Get your head out of the goddamn gutter!
I'm sorry!
Pete how do you even know what those are?
Oh come on.
Are we just doing with the pretense of employment now?
Have we come on such hard times?
I apologize you said it.
Flandal is like purple now.
I'm so sorry Flandal.
No it's fine.
I get it.
Everybody comes from different backgrounds and it's cool.
So are Flandal and I going to be leading these tours to the asteroids to clean them?
Yes of course you three will be the main expedition group in order to yes of course you'll be
providing the genesis.
The genesis of the doll.
You really okay.
Okay.
Wow that worked.
If you do a pun it works.
I think I can see something happening here.
Flandal dear you are a helpless romantic but this this right here is a sure thing.
Oh okay and I was weird about the real doll okay.
No I'm sorry.
So I need to get ready because you only gave me an hour and I have to re-juge myself.
You can make a late entrance.
You look amazing right now.
Of course I do dear.
Well that does not mean that I am a renty.
For our guests they are orcs seemingly of high prestigiousness apparently because they
want to take a ship out to clean things.
Jenn of Ah you're never late everyone else is just early.
Pique.
Oh this is why you are my favorite.
Thank you Jenn of Ah.
And of course the expedition must be Jenn of Ah and her two favorite tour guards.
Definitely.
That's why it has to be that way.
Okay fine.
Affirmative.
And Azor agrees with all of you.
Yeah so you each kind of get ready to prepare.
You all have or don't have your suspicions about this party.
I feel like Flandal just was kind of like okay sounds good.
Not really thinking about it and that's why he's the head tour guide if you will.
Okay.
Always ready.
I have a question.
Since I had my outfit on me and I can just change into it can I find Serika?
You want to go talk to Serika?
Yeah.
Yeah totally.
Serika's in the room.
Oh she's in the room with us.
So it's all the crew.
Oh yeah.
Okay.
Well so here's the funny thing is that the ship is sentient and can magically construct
itself right.
Right.
So if that is like an engineer or a chef or a cleaning person isn't going around and like
constantly cleaning things it's more like they just like kind of look around and give
Azor a gentle reminder of things to do.
It's kind of sad.
They're like app notifications.
Yeah kind of except in reverse.
So Serika kind of walks around and is like hmm it's a little dusty in here can you like
touch that?
And Azor is like yeah sure.
So I give I give I see I make eye contact with Serika from across the room and I like
give her like a motion to like talk to me later.
Serika winks.
I also winked just now.
It made it very real for me.
Thank you.
You got immersive.
Immersive.
I'm method.
Or the podcast listeners.
Can I would this is just a general question of things.
Could if I saw that could that suss me out.
Could I like be like oh noted for never.
What's my question?
Are you trying to see it?
Yeah.
So I mean this is a great with anything that's kind of like set at the table.
Anything that's kind of set at the table you generally could be aware of but if you're
not sure if that looks seem surreptitious or like possibly sneaky if you wanted to see
it what happens is you would roll perception against deception if Pique was trying to hide
that interaction.
I was.
Yeah.
So yeah.
Could I.
Yeah.
So this is a contested role.
So subtle.
I do not.
Can I see that?
I roll all my dice.
I win.
I roll every dice.
I am the dice roller.
That is kind of how I thought it was played at first.
Oh wait.
Let me see if I.
So I'm at nine.
I am also at nine.
Whoa.
What does that mean?
Do we roll again?
Rollies.
Roll off.
Roll out.
Roll call.
Yeah.
I was like meets it beats it but there's no like DC.
Tootsie roll.
That's much better.
I got a 19.
I got a 17 plus five.
22.
You bitch.
I'm very sneaky.
Very deceptive.
I forgot about that.
You see Serika wink and you think of that you.
Okay.
Incredible.
Interesting turn.
Who is she?
First the captain now Serika.
Everyone is on my.
What do I?
Oh.
Oh god.
She's a bronze dragonborn.
Copper?
No.
Serika is bronze dragonborn.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Serika is bronze dragonborn.
Oh yeah.
Sorry.
I'm so selfish.
Copper?
Copper.
Excuse me.
How dare you.
The wrong metal.
Give me a cutie.
Oh.
Dear listeners we have soft fruits to eat.
Because we have soft sensitive teeth.
You've actually been listening to a podcast of people with gummy teeth.
Our dentists are just so disappointed in us.
That's why we can't be on camera.
We thought about making this into a Twitch channel and we're like oh but our gummy teeth.
Oh but our gummy teeth.
Our gummy teeth.
Okay but here's the thing.
We have teeth but they're gummies.
It's not just gums.
It's teeth but gummies.
Mine are cheekly.
Cheekly.
So in that lovely interlude you all went off to prepare for this quick charter.
Some of you with a little bit more trepidation than others.
And as you prepare what do what does each of you grab in order to prepare for an expedition
into space even though it's a simple asteroid cleaning mission things might get shall we
say dicey.
That was Max Minnis talking I guess.
What does each of you bring in order to adventure in space so to speak.
Considering that I remember exchanging with that person I put on my uniform my tour guide
uniform.
I changed my hair into a different style.
The color is the same.
For our readers can you explain how you do that.
I have disguise at will.
Disguise self at will.
So I can just like change my hair.
It's a part of my one of my tome things.
Pack of the tome things.
Eldritch invocation.
So I like it's usually pretty voluminous and puffy looking.
I turn it to like a straight just bob with like the V bag.
Just to clean.
And I have my tour guide outfit on and then I bring a jacket and I have all of my things
underneath like my weapons just in hidden pockets.
All our hidden weapons in pockets.
I love to see it.
I mean I'm sure like they're only as hidden as they can be you know what I mean.
Just like not out and in sight.
Because I don't know what to expect from these people because I know that they are criminals
like you, like me.
Well we have a confession.
What?
I mean I'm a tour guide.
And that's all I've ever wanted to be.
But I'm a cheerleader.
Jen what do you prepare for possible danger time?
I have put on a pair of cargo pants.
You know what?
Can I finish?
Because I knew as soon as I said cargo pants I was going to get some flack and it's like
step one.
Because of the pockets.
They're back in.
They are.
They really are.
It's fashion.
Is it the ones where the legs zip in half into shorts?
Yes.
Okay.
Oh god.
Are the knees unzipped to show a little knee?
Not yet.
Okay.
Oh not yet.
I'm not trying to reveal too much yet.
Wow.
I have put on cargo pants and they are, the pockets are adorned with different miscellaneous,
my little copper coins, my little notebook to write down things that I see that are a
little off.
And other useful things that I will name later.
And up on top I'm wearing a crop top.
A nice tight crop top that keeps everything in check.
All of the scales tight to the bod.
And over it I have a bomber jacket that, you know, utility looking jacket.
Of course everything is copper.
I must look butt naked.
And I also have a cane or walking stick that is adorned with copper jewels all over it.
And it also has a little photo of Beam Beam etched into it.
Wow.
Just in case I got a whack a bitch, you know.
Opulent.
Always prepared to hit someone.
Opulent, stunning.
Gathering that from you.
Tail thing that hits people too.
It's a trauma response.
I can't help it.
It's just trauma response.
And Flandal, what do you prepare to go on this expedition?
Flandal's got like a utility belt that's like a bunch of, like imagine like a fanny pack
but then around the sides there's other like little packs and they're filled with just
random stuff that you might need.
Like there's like a healer's kit in there.
It's like bandages, like first aid stuff.
He puts on like a black puffy jacket, a puffer.
He's also got, oh yeah, that belt.
He just like cinches like almost like a little too tight.
So it looks like he's got like just a little skinny waist and just like the rest of him
kind of like squozes like a little bit up and a little bit down.
So he looks a little bottom and top heavy but it's all.
And an hourglass figure.
An hour like yeah exactly.
Can I visit Flandal before?
Is there time?
So I come and I knock on your office door.
Are you in your office?
Yeah I'm in my office, my quarters.
You roll for your office or your quarters?
Oh are they not the same thing?
They can be.
I just imagine he had it, he rolled it all into one.
Oh great.
Love that.
Yeah.
Efficient.
I don't want to take up too much space.
Oh god.
Okay so I go and I knock on Flandal's office door.
Just a second.
Okay it's just me.
It's Pique.
Oh okay great.
Pique just one second.
Okay.
Okay great.
One.
I'm just kidding.
Please don't come in.
Okay.
I will not.
Okay.
And cinch that belt up tight.
Make sure everything's all together and then I smooth out all the creases in my jacket
and open the door.
Hi.
Wow.
You look, that's really different.
Thanks.
Which is, that's yeah.
Like different like that?
No no no.
Different like good.
It looks great.
Okay.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I just want to make a great impression and speaking of impressions.
Sure.
I was thinking just to flavor up the tour a little bit.
We're going to be on asteroids.
Do you mind if I put on a little accent for them?
Maybe entertain them?
I want to give them the best experience possible and you know I figured an accent might be
fun.
Yeah.
I guess that sounds, sounds really, I mean I've just never, what kind of accent is it?
I don't know.
Just something real simple.
Just to you know show them a good time.
It's really interesting.
I feel like some amount of hospitality being communicated with that.
Exactly.
I just you know want them to feel at home you know.
Wow.
Okay cool.
It would never have occurred to me to literally change the way I speak to give a tour.
But I guess no that's perfect.
Yeah of course.
Oh thank you so much Flandel.
That's a good, good, good instincts.
Thanks Flandel.
I do my best.
You've really come a long way Pique from day one.
I mean you had a lot of experience but just you know I've seen you grow so much in our
year together on this ship and it's just really you know it's amazing.
Thank you for your leadership.
Stop.
Okay.
Okay I'm going to go now.
Okay bye.
Bye Pique.
If you have any other questions just you know where to find me.
I sure will.
I'll see you on the deck receiving those receiving those people.
Uncanny.
Wow.
Okay cool.
Okay bye.
Great so we have a we have a good reason for an accent now.
The very first of many I'm sure to come.
Hello.
Hello all listeners there is four people at this table but only one that can do multiple
accents.
Well that's what you think.
Hell I can do it too.
I can do it too.
There are two people.
There are two people that can do a southern accent.
Oh boy.
All right so we all are excellent at X but one person is ready to oscillate between.
And it's you because you're the GM.
I've got Sean Connery.
That's what we've come to expect from all GMs.
Yeah.
Fuck you Matt Mercer.
Who's Matt Mercer?
I don't know.
He is a.
I've never heard of her.
Yeah.
I always have to temperature check if it's me.
No Matt Mercer is the DM for a very famous show called Critical Role.
Oh yes.
He's also.
Isn't he a voice actor?
He is a professional voice actor.
Oh okay.
Not fair.
Yeah.
Yeah no he yeah it's not fair.
You're right.
We should complain.
Yeah.
Done.
Write a formal note.
Yeah.
Well so you all have gathered your gear and you're ready to clean some asteroids.
As you step out and look upon the city as you go to the observation deck so to speak
you can kind of really get a view of the cityscape of Ulthun.
So there are these inky black waters all throughout and this artificial lavender haze kind of
wafts through the city and you just get that slight scent of brine and lavender mixing
in the air for you.
Ulthun is just this bustling metropolis.
The architecture of all the buildings are like different variations of obelisks and
sharp points.
It just was the natural structure for building up whilst kind of staying firm and then also
maximizing the ability for light to percolate into the city as well since the purple kind
of always adds this overcast kind of look to it.
Through the magical feats of engineering as soon as you leave the city in any small amount
stars, always stars, doesn't matter day or night, stars.
You can see the inky void of hearth space with pinpricks of light, flecks of gold thrown
into the sky.
And this is why you all do what you do in some ways.
I mean you've all got different reasons for being here.
You could have chosen a number of ways to kind of make money but this one puts you in
space regularly.
So this is why you do what you do.
Arriving in a horse drawn carriage is this ramshackle looking carriage and out come these
three orcs and they each have a like pickaxes but they don't look like regular pickaxes.
They've got some type of etchings and enhancements on them.
They look like they're kind of like blessed with runes or something like that.
And they kind of say like, hey you the, you the vessel?
Yes, sir.
Hi, I'd like to introduce myself on behalf of pristine ventures.
My name is Flandal and I'd like to welcome you aboard.
Great then.
I'm Farnell.
These fucks don't matter.
Let's go.
Okay great.
Welcome in Farnell and you must be Exivus and and Dreath.
Dreath.
Oh no one gets my name.
Thank you.
So welcome.
Okay well welcome in and let me start showing you around.
Oh yeah sure.
Really excited to have you on board.
Farnell like kind of elbows Dreath and then they kind of they all go in together.
All right where's our room?
Oh right this way.
And I lead them down to where the last room was for the role for Exist.
I follow behind.
Got a 14.
That is that is a guest quarters.
Yeah.
I lead them to the right place.
I'm glad you're rolling high on this instead of combat.
Jenn of Ah appears in the hallway fashionably late in her attire.
Hello new members of our ship family.
Lovely to meet you.
My name is Jenn of Ah and I am simply the eye candy of the ship all for you.
And I just wanted to properly introduce myself.
Okay.
I'm sorry I should be doing the introductions.
This is Jen of ah she I'm sure you've seen her on crystal vision.
Isn't she that ball that got kicked off the planet or something?
First of all before you go you know you know what I'm going to exercise my patience that
I am known for in this moment.
Wait say your catchphrase again though.
I remember it's say it when you know me.
Oh you know.
Oh my god I never thought I'd see the day.
That's the reaction.
Thank you.
I'm famous.
She's the best.
She is the best.
She is the best and we only have the best on pristine ventures.
Oh.
LLC.
The light of the door.
Just let us know when we get to the rocks.
Sure okay is there any other.
He goes fully goes in and like drags the other two and then closes the door.
Okay.
I think that went rather well.
I think it did too.
Yeah.
I think they're slightly prickish but I'm here for the journey.
Hey guys I just this is the ship talking.
It did not go well.
I just want to let you know that they seemed I could tell that their heart rates were a
little elevated and like the main guy seemed angry just letting you know in case that wasn't
clear.
Thank you.
Gee thanks.
Thank you so much.
We couldn't tell.
Super helpful.
I don't have eyes but I can like feel things you know.
We're aware.
So poetic.
What's my heart rate say right now.
You don't have a heart.
Oh oh.
Oh my god.
Flander you do have heart.
Flander dear.
Don't listen to this motherfucker of a ship.
You're right.
I have the most heart of anybody I've met and I've got a lot of be.
Let the Flanders land.
For Christ's sake.
Yeah.
So we got it.
Thank you.
It's or no problem.
So smart.
I don't know why that felt so bad because you're feeling in your heart.
You're here in your heart.
OK.
Yes.
It's understandable.
Your feelings are valid Flander.
OK.
Cool.
Thanks.
You should get a juice.
I should go get a juice.
Juice always helps.
You're right.
You should go and get a juice.
I'm going to go get a juice.
OK.
If they come out or anything if they need anything I mean maybe we should figure out
what to do just to turn this all around.
What do you think snacks or drinks.
Yes.
We could send maybe everybody needs juice.
I think everyone should get juice.
Lots of it.
I want to go talk to Saffrica.
Maybe I can.
Saffrica.
You know.
Oh.
You've done a lot.
Why don't I go and talk to Saffrica.
Oh OK.
Yeah.
Just I mean yeah.
I would maybe just get like a smattering of different juices maybe like a bug.
Yeah.
Most definitely.
Why don't I come with you.
I'm feeling in the mood to be helpful.
Yeah.
Yes.
Perfect.
Great.
Let's go.
I'll go talk to the captain.
OK.
Wonderful.
So you all track down Saffrica's room.
I knock.
Hold on one second.
Sorry.
OK.
Come on in.
Who is it.
Sorry.
Who is it.
Wait don't come in.
Wait.
Jenn of Ah dear and Pique.
Oh Jen.
Yeah of course.
Oh Pique.
Hey Saffrica how's it going.
She's like furiously writing into her into like a kind of like a flip scripture so to
speak.
She's like oh you know just more notes for the blog later.
What's up.
So those Flandel was saying that we should really turn around the new guests.
They arrived and they were not very happy it seems according to the ship.
The days were not dust.
Pardon.
I don't think it had anything to do with dusting.
OK.
But they do.
I think it would be nice if we brought them some juices and some some nice chocolates
maybe something just a nice you know welcome gift considering that they are our honored
guests and Jenn of Ah was saying that she would love to help you with it.
Oh.
Well initially I meant just like help you ask for the juice and the snacks but I can
carry.
Sure.
Yeah.
I was really surprised that you wanted to come with me.
I am kind sometimes.
Oh Jenn of Ah you're kind all the time.
Pique dear.
No need to flatter me.
I know that's not true.
I appreciate the effort.
I'm just doing my job.
Good job.
Thank you.
And Sarah has like yeah sure sure sure.
Azor can we can we get some some juice.
And he's always like yeah the juice bar is on the second floor now and not the not the
third.
Love that.
So Sarah because like all right.
Well I mean shall we.
You should maybe get them some red juices.
I mean I think you're attention to detail is alarming.
It's tomato you know maybe they can make a Bloody Mary in their room.
So let's let's do let's cut to the quick here.
Yeah.
Can we pretend that are you speaking in thieves can't.
Yes.
OK great.
Thieves can't is like a language that to anyone that doesn't speak it sounds like mundane
conversation but it's coded language for something else.
Great.
I don't think you have these can't.
No I don't.
So what are you trying to say to Sarah.
I'm telling her that the new guests who have arrived I've recognized one of them and they
are criminals just like us and they are on this ship for some reason.
And if she could kind of find out why when she delivers these things to their room like
anything like maybe they say something or like do something just do your best or like
if they leave them like go to clean their room and like try and see.
I'll check their rooms.
OK.
I appreciate that.
Yes.
Red juice yellow chartreuse fuchsia magenta saffron saffron red juice.
I just figured like juice is great but mixing it with booze as an initial welcome is never
a bad idea.
Honestly I think the ship will handle most of the details of the contents of said juice.
I think we should just get it get it into the bods if you know what I'm saying.
I completely agree.
Absolutely.
The faster in the bod the better.
Yes.
Oh the being like racehorses.
Yes.
Nay.
Yes.
Oh there they are.
They've made it onto the ship.
And you see that Azor was like very intently listening to your conversation and like each
color that was being said like kind of like pulsed from the wall and like went off somewhere.
And so as I guess you're not accompanying Serika and Jen Jen do you join Serika in getting
the juices.
Yes.
Great.
And so as you do there's a platter there and she picks it up and it's got way more juices
than three people should handle but it's fine.
Can I have a private conversation with Sarah.
Yeah you're both.
You're both walking with the juices through the halls.
Oh dear so I have the 4 1 1 of sorts on these orcs.
Oh I rhymed.
So I have this odd feeling suspicion tingling that they are on some shady business here.
Who is rich and decides to charter spell jammer ship simply to clean out the Astral Sea.
I call bull as a rich bitch myself.
I just feel that there is some tomfoolery afoot and I would like your help assistance dare
I say you know from an old one old friend to another to figure out what the deal is.
I think I think you're not the only one on this ship that has their suspicions but yeah
I'll check them out.
I'll think thank you for the heads up.
Thank you so much Jen.
Let me know if you're interested.
They I feel like their purpose for the task is dangerous but they themselves puffed just
puffed the cheddar puffed you know the saying of you know they're just some scrappy orcs.
They definitely don't look how their carriage presented when they come in if you know what
I mean.
I guess I do.
They look disheveled.
Got it.
Okay.
Thank you.
Got it.
Sorry.
It's just like you your career really took you in a different direction.
It really did dear.
I know it's hard to get used to the voice the vibe everything.
It's okay.
Well baby steps baby steps.
Got it.
Okay good.
Wonderful catching up.
I'll look out for it.
Thank you darling.
Wonderful.
You bring the juices you knock no answer.
You knock again.
It's like are we there yet.
No.
We just decided to bring you some lovely refreshments.
We have some delicious juice here with a little alcohol and we've also had some a little strawberry
and chocolate snack plate for you as well to munch on.
Oh I love those.
I had a feeling you would.
So Dret opens and it's like yeah and like grabs a bunch and then kind of says like.
I can't talk for very long.
I need you to go now.
Oh.
Okay.
Well um see you soon.
Wonderful.
You hear on the intercom system.
Oh crew we are about to reach the asteroid field.
I recommend that Azor you finish building whatever building to help us clear these out
and then crew I expect you on the observatory deck in 15 minutes to help the guests get
to spelunking.
Is it spelunking if it's in space.
Whatever you want.
Okay great.
I want it to be spelunking.
Great.
Thank you.
Bye.
See if you give him what he wants he fucking leaves.
He goes away.
Could I be knocking on the bridge though.
I do want to talk to Maximinus.
Yeah you talk to Maximinus.
Yeah yeah okay.
Oh yes come in please.
Oh okay.
Hi Captain Sir.
Oh Flandaletche you are just a sweet delight.
What's up?
Well I just I just want to say I think we for some reason we got off to the wrong foot
with these these guests and I'm just wondering do you think we still get the pristine points
if they don't have like a perfect time or does it need to be perfect.
I believe the P word you're looking for is pristine.
Yeah of course.
You've got so much to learn son.
Yes of course and I'm ready to learn.
Always eager.
That's the best thing about you Flannel.
You just you're hungry for hungry for the presentation and the perfection the pristine
venture of life.
Yeah.
Good talk.
But so okay.
Do you have any.
I just don't know anything about them.
I just you know if I had some chicken like a dossier or anything or anything you could
share about.
Well you see Flannel I'm actually an empath and when I need to really get into the heads
of someone else I just think to myself how do I feel.
That's probably how they feel.
Okay okay.
So.
Does that help?
It does actually.
So you're saying.
Great talk.
Okay got it.
Okay thank you so much sir.
I learned I feel like I learned so much when I talked to you and I just I would love to
feel that you do too.
See I'm an.
My God it's working.
Well I'd love to talk to you some time too about what your career path was like when
you becoming a captain.
I could talk about that now.
You can.
Yes.
Great I mean.
What do you want to know about my illustrious career.
I just wanted to how did you get started.
I mean did you work your way up through the through the ranks.
Did you start.
Yes it was a grueling process to watch each of my other siblings become a captain of a
ship and then finally it was my turn at the wheel and my dear dad said this one's especially
for you because the ship is smart enough to do whatever you need.
And I knew I knew that it would be great.
And here we are.
So did you go to like Cap Cap Captain's School or something.
Well of course I did.
I went to the school of life.
You're not a pristine ventures franchisee son and without getting a little bit of information
in life you know it's just like how to how to steer a ship.
Look at this.
We.
And it doesn't actually move.
See I'm steering it.
I think I think I get what you're what you're getting at.
It's more about you know you can only learn so much from a book but it's about real life
experiences.
Yes you've got it.
OK.
Never never let anyone shame you for not going to college.
I did go to college.
Never let anyone tell you otherwise.
OK.
I salute.
Thank you so much sir.
I'm going to turn this around.
Yes we all we all shall.
OK.
Wonderful.
And so you just had a lovely interaction with your father figure.
Wow.
I'm crying.
School of life.
It's very important.
Oh boy.
Sweet.
Empathetic.
Oh man.
Well you just got to think about how you feel and then other people probably feel like that's
how that works.
That's how that works.
Wonderful.
So you all head towards the observatory deck.
And so in this instance as you look up and out into the world or the world the universe
you can see off in the distance pin bricks of other stars other other places and it's
kind of it's difficult to imagine that it is finite like hearth space doesn't actually
continue on forever.
There is the installed barrier that semi-permeable membrane that stops you from kind of exploring
out there.
And this might be the last mission that you all need to take before you can do that.
So there is a palpable feeling of excitement bubbling and even with all the strange weirdness
about this last job like why is this specific job worth 10 pristine points yet it seems
simple yet the personnel don't seem to have any real reason to be spending this type of
money on a well let's face it a mega yacht.
It just doesn't make sense but who cares you're so close so close.
I never look a gift horse in the mouth that's what I always say.
And so you go.
Upon seeing the asteroid field can I get a perception check from everyone.
Natural 20.
I got a 15.
Wow natural 20 with the natural 20.
We're gonna lay it all out there.
Wow okay.
It's a 23 technically.
Thank you yeah that's really important.
Yeah you notice that like might of dust over in the left corner.
No I'm kidding.
You just see everything.
No so you see the asteroid cluster so to speak but it's not just rocks.
You instantly recognize that these are not I mean in our language we'd say manmade but
they're they're artificial looking they're not natural so to speak but it's been billed
as an asteroid cluster and the orcs are kind of stepping up and looking out and with that
natural 20 perception you know that these machine structures probably have something
volatile in them and they're from like a bygone era back when there were warships that existed
in this galaxy there were fights there were there was loss of a planet due to a plague.
This era of peace that you all live in did not come easily but it did arrive.
That technology could kind of be from anywhere but you do sense a level of familiarity because
there is some type of an artifact that's close to home with you.
Oh oh you mean the one that I have.
It's the one that that pulses inside your little your little goo body.
Oh my god.
It's pulsing right.
I sense like I'm looking and I'm sensing like.
As much as you could feel you Nick a heartbeat right now that's what Flandel feels from emanating
from that spot.
Wild.
Yeah.
Whoa.
I'm just like damn.
In game Flandel goes whoa.
What?
Nothing I just I actually think those are dangerous.
No no they're not dangerous they're fine let's go.
They're filled with something volatile like explosive.
Volatile.
Yeah.
I think we should maybe just wait on this maybe get somebody out here maybe the engineer.
You want your you want your mommy to come help.
Well you do get your mommy to help.
We are not related although we are a close family here on this ship.
We are not actually each other's brothers sisters mothers or fathers in any way shape
or form.
What you heard me.
You give me an intimidation check.
Yes.
Oh.
It's a nine.
Super intimidating.
Well thank you for instructing me on the familial elements of this vessel but I do not appreciate
being talked down to just because I'm an orc that came here of my own volition.
Oh I did not mean to offend you in any way.
I am a tour guide and so I was simply explaining how the ship and the crew work.
We are all very tight knit crew but we are not familial.
Familiary related at all although sometimes I really wish we were.
Yeah.
Me too and everybody feels that way.
If you could just wait.
We really can't put you in harm's way.
I mean that's our number one goal is to keep you safe while you explore.
So if you don't mind just waiting here for a second I'll go.
I'm just I'm going to I'm going to jump now.
And please don't.
What nothing.
So you see that far and all actually just kind of like backs up a little bit and then
makes running start.
Can I try and stop him.
I want to try and grapple him.
OK.
That make a make a make a make a grapple check grapple check.
Which is I believe that's.
I got to do with it.
It's like a strength check right.
Yeah.
It's his AC.
Yeah I think it's actually like just a yeah it's a strength check.
That's right.
Can I tell us or to get the engineers up here.
Oh it's contested.
Can you tell is order.
Yeah yeah.
I'm like a Zor.
Can you can you alert the engineers to come and make their way towards us with haste please.
And I quietly aside to Jenn of Ah.
I'm trying on this.
I'm trying on this accent.
I heard it's a very interesting choice but I'm going to let you roll with it.
See where it goes.
I'm trying to make them feel that I thought I got like an advantage on this but I guess
maybe I don't.
I thought because I was a goo I got.
Well I can grapple the shit out of people if necessary.
Wait don't you with your your feet.
What's this to initiate or escape a graph a grapple because I'm amorphous.
16 with a athletics check of 22.
Oh no actually just like kind of runs through you.
Can I try to hit it with my tail.
Sure.
Would that be a grab.
You're trying to trip.
Yes.
I'm trying to trip that bitch with my tail.
Let's call it an attack.
Great let's attack the charter guys.
This Flandel.
Oh my God.
Wait do I do you add anything to attacks or is it just.
You do but you roll the net 20.
And that's what 20 bitch.
Oh my God.
Wow.
And no one is moving away from Jenn of Ah.
No doing nonlethal damage.
Of course just want to trip the motherfucker.
Right.
I love that for us.
Real quick when Flandel when he runs through Flandel does Flandel split like how does how
does that happen.
Like you still have clothes right.
Yeah yeah.
OK it might look like I like I split part of me just sort of like I'm trying to go in
for a hug right.
OK OK.
And then he just sort of pushes past that part and I just kind of reform on the other
side of him.
Right.
It's almost like you made the back part of yourself too thin.
Yeah.
And now I'm wearing my clothes but everything's on backwards.
I got a front but.
Oh my God.
The front but.
Oh what was that.
What was that kids group that front but they did that in the 90s.
There was that there were those two kids that would sing and they wore their clothes backwards.
My brother dressed up as them for Halloween.
What.
Yeah.
Crisscross.
Was that them.
They wore their pants.
They wore their clothes backwards because it was hip and cool in the 90s.
You made a tripping attack.
Aha.
Motherfucker.
Go ahead and roll damage.
It's a one.
So you do one plus your strength which is one.
So you did two damage but it's doubled.
So roll the D4 again.
Two.
Oh God.
Did I kill him.
No.
Oh thank God.
He tripped for the last time.
I didn't mean to.
He tripped for the last time.
I didn't mean to.
I tried to be light about it.
Trips.
Which one was this?
This is Farnell.
Farnell.
Trips.
Oh my God our charter guest.
Oops.
His head thuds ominously against a sharp corner.
This is not Million Dollar Baby.
Farnell's like hey what's the meaning of this.
I pay you good money.
You're not supposed to trip me.
You are so right.
But in light of danger potential danger we just need to keep you extra extra safe and
check it out really quick and you were kind of being a pill and not letting us do that.
So I had to trip you.
Also Jenn of Ah is not a part of the crew.
No I'm a celebrity dear.
The rules do not apply to me and I apologize in advance for what that may make me do.
Persuasion check.
And she's an influencer.
She's yes.
Influence you to stay on the ship.
Ten.
Oh no.
Let's go ahead and roll initiative.
Oh my God.
Oh man.
Wait so all of us roll?
Yeah.
Cheese and rice.
Let's go.
I'm so excited that we got to our first moment of combat.
Oh wait we're fighting this dude.
That's what roll initiative means.
What I had no fucking idea you guys.
I'm going to put some battle music in over this.
Oh my gosh it's so.
Is that it?
Yeah.
It needs to be flight of the bumblebee.
Okay yeah it could be that too.
So we're fighting this foe.
Yes.
So fuck you guys I'm sorry.
Oh no it was bound to happen.
Oh okay cool.
We were yeah they were cruising for a bruising.
Yeah.
Did you see those weapons they brought on board?
That's what I'm saying.
Heck no techno.
Combat in space.
That's that's unfathomable.
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