Time to get ready for the Larry and Needles show.
Larry and Needles.
Alright, here we...
Yeah, we're hot.
Hey, welcome to Larry and Needles show.
I'm Larry.
And I'm fucking Needles, man.
And we got Mark and Kiki with us today
and it's gonna be good because, uh...
Yeah, man, they're fucking cool cats and, uh...
Well, no, man, keep going.
They're our boys. They're our boys, man.
I mean, he's a flashy kid.
Yeah, he loves...
Mike loves everyone so much that the fucking meaning starts to wear off.
It's like following a racist.
You're racist.
I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry so many times it doesn't mean anything.
It also doesn't mean anything.
I'm racist.
I love his racist.
Man, I love you, buddy.
He's racist.
You know what?
He loves everyone.
He loves that hand.
Alright, so who wants a...
Alright, so what's racist?
Who's a racist?
She's a racist.
I know, he's just muttering.
That's the Tourette's.
And I wanted to read you a little passage from this, uh...
Up and Down with the Rolling Stones by Tony Sanchez.
Okay, well, give some backstory on it before they do it.
This is actually a...
This is a cool...
Larry, give some backstory, please.
Well, this...
Oh, so this is Sanchez's drug dealer.
Yeah, he was a drug dealer.
He was like Keith's runner and shit.
So he's a drug dealer that sold drugs to Keith Richards.
But this had none to do with the story.
He wrote a book which is, I mean, you get beat down from your hand all day.
This is Sigmund Freud's quote, anyway.
Hasn't done to do with Keith or anything.
Oh, Sigmund Freud?
Yeah, and he said in 1884 to his wife...
Yes?
...Woe to you, my princess.
When I come, I will kiss you quite red and feed you until you are plump.
And you will willfully resist, you shall see, who is the stronger, a gentle girl who doesn't eat enough,
or a big wild man with cocaine in his veins.
Oh, yeah.
I just thought it was funny.
Every single wild man with cocaine...
Every single deadly sin.
You know what I mean?
Walk me and you know what I mean?
Like, I mean, this fucking guy...
Sigmund Freud, he wanted to fuck his mom.
And there was Sigmund Freud?
Yeah, you know, and he's the guy that everything...
Everything was...
Everything connected to fucking his mom.
He was a psychiatrist.
I know he was a psychiatrist, but when did he start, though?
Well, that quote was from 1884, so that mother of Freud was old, yeah.
Okay, so...
150 years ago.
Well, and you know, at the dawn of psychiatry and mind fucking and shrink, you know, like shrink...
I mean, the East half of those fucking...
You know, calling, like, naming the parts, like the id and the ego and your psyche and all that shit,
when they started coming up with that.
Well, when he started becoming self-aware sort of.
Yeah, well, he's like at the dawn of that shit.
He's one of the...
I mean, think about it, though.
Everybody's got to fucking...
When it was expressed.
Yeah, you gotta come up with a theory to some extent, you know what I mean?
Like, people are fucking...
People are fucking whimmyings.
I mean, East half of those clinics, what was that movie, remember?
With the Kellogg's Reef to Fury of the Lion?
He was the only one that wanted to fuck his own mom.
Well, I mean, that's a weird thing to say.
I don't want to bang my mom.
No, but there's a lot of people out there that don't like that.
I mean, there's a lot of people that want to bang dogs and do other shit, but you know, you can't...
But not everyone's needle.
As long as it's two years old and dog age, you're good.
Well, if it's two years old, if it's a two-year-old dog, that thing's like what?
14.
Yeah, there you go.
That was the joke, Larry.
You finally caught up over it.
Dude, I didn't do the math myself.
He was explaining the joke.
It's just a big joke.
How much slow fucking learn, fuck off.
Clip it.
It sundered out.
Look at the slider my buddy gave me.
I love it.
Dude, that's a massive Zippo.
That's like bigger than a pack of ciggies.
No, I mean...
It's like a flask.
It's a flask, but it's a lighter.
What are you looking for there?
There we go.
Alright, I got a story for you guys.
Tell me a story there, all right.
What do you guys consider a hate crime?
One at a time.
Okay.
I'm being serious.
Yeah, well I would consider a hate crime if you, you know, do something to somebody,
and not because they did something to you, but because of who they are, and you just hate them.
Well, no, because, yeah.
Oh, because of the race.
Hey, slow down.
Because of the race.
Sorry, sorry.
Yeah, because, yeah.
You can't even keep his mouth shut.
But not because they did anything to you.
Yeah.
Okay.
What do you think of a hate crime?
Yeah, what do you mean?
Are you telling me?
I mean, the definition of a hate crime in your words.
Well, hate crime, like the media sees it like it's a racist type thing?
No, your words.
What do you think it is?
The real meaning.
Yeah, what?
I mean, it's all going to start at a basis of people.
Right?
Yeah, well you go out to intentionally hurt somebody.
Yeah, because of race, creed, and all that bullshit.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Crime, what do you think of a hate crime?
Yeah, that's just it.
Like...
The definition of a hate crime?
Like, in particular race or whatever, religion, and you attack them somehow or you're some
of them.
Just because that's what they are.
Right.
This is what the fucking...
That is a crime.
This is a stature.
Crime.
The actual new definition of a hate crime?
Yeah, a crime that targets a victim typically motivated by prejudice on the basis of ethnicity.
Ethnicity.
Yes.
Religion, sexual orientation.
Right.
So a man, and I'm not making this up.
Okay, crime.
So someone went out and beat up someone because they were gay.
Because they're Asian.
Because they're...
That's a hate crime.
Yeah, that's a hate crime, man.
So here, this man, Freddie Innocent.
I love the name.
54 years old, man.
I mean, this is like SVU.
Dun dun dun.
Is this the onion?
I mean, come on.
Freddie Innocent.
This guy's making Freddie Innocent.
Yeah.
Freddie Innocent.
This guy's on my side.
Two Ns.
You know, I'll definitely answer her.
Two Ns.
Freddie Innocent.
This guy didn't do nothing.
Sounds like a turkey game.
I see Freddie Innocent wearing like a purple suit.
I see him wearing an orange jumpsuit.
The complete opposite of Innocent.
He's got like a pit bull.
He's got like a right.
His hat.
What did 100 call Innocent?
Call Freddie Innocent.
I'll get you out of any shit.
Yeah.
When they beat you.
I'm not a lawyer.
But I will fix it.
Just don't record it.
So in cash.
So Freddie Innocent.
Freddie Innocent.
This guy's 45, man.
It was trying to picture to put it up.
We need to get a white board so we can start doing stuff like this.
We're going to get real advanced someday.
So this homeless person had to go to the bathroom.
Okay.
And he took two pride flags.
And shit on one.
Oh man.
The white business.
Well.
Wait.
We're going to white you.
Hey, crime.
I would white my ass through the rolling stones.
Slow down.
And I love the stones.
These two flags.
The closest things to it.
What then reach of them.
Yes.
And hopefully.
And what she just said.
Where's her name?
I don't think it's a hate crime if nobody gets her.
But what color of the flag was used?
If it was a brown rainbow.
One pride flag.
If it was a brown stripe.
If it was a brown stripe and he got it, you know.
Dude, listen.
Imagine wiping your ass with a flag.
What's that?
Imagine wiping your ass with a flag.
Was it a silky one?
Was it a real conny one?
Larry, I mean these are gay flags.
Silky as shit.
I mean they come from China.
We know that.
They fund them.
But this fucking guy.
So what happened to him?
Oh shit.
He's going to get 25 years in an important.
Well, first off, what state was it in?
So it was in California.
New York.
Oh, he's spot.
It was California, New York.
This was a total hate crime.
Courtney Barrell, the shop owner that he took the crime.
The things that.
And then the next quote was he could have used napkins.
Oh.
What a bunch of places.
Well wait, where are the napkins next to the pride flags?
That's the question.
How far away were the napkins?
So you were charged with burglary, harassment.
And trespassing.
And hate crime.
First of all, if a guy's taking a shit in front of your store, he should get charged with something.
Dude, New York's out of control.
I'll tell you what.
I mean.
If this guy was under the age of 40, I just saw a website that pays you $500 for shit.
I mean to do shit like that.
If you have good microbes in your shit, they'll pay you $500.
Oh yeah, listen to what Kiki just sent us the other day.
Oh dear, awesome.
Let's talk about this.
No, seriously.
This is insanity.
Which, if you're like a healthy, you know, health specimen.
Which leaves us out.
At least 30 to 40 years old.
Well yeah, it kind of does leave us out of this.
I think they're age rage.
I think they're farming data.
No, no dude, the thing is, they take, from your stool, they take your microbiome.
Yeah, exactly man.
So if you have a good, healthy microbiome, they'll pay you $500 for a crap.
You get 340, 180 grand a year.
180 grand a year.
And your games are always the first Larry to shit.
Selling your shit?
Selling your shit.
That's amazing.
Yeah, here's the website.
Your shit is worthless Mark.
My shit used to maybe be worth something.
I mean, what the fuck you got to do?
That's a lot of money just for some shit.
Yeah, 180G human.
What are you doing with this?
Humanmicrobes.org.
Well basically they take it and they clean it.
I guess they clean it and they put it up on another person's ass to give them a good
microbiome.
Which I can understand, right?
A transplant.
Yeah, but they want, like, they want, they want a physical video interview with you and
then they want to do blood tests.
Yeah, I mean, come on man.
We can't be going in there or fucking.
So Nio's was never paid.
Oh no, not at all.
I mean, the amount of drugs in my system.
What's all these tracks?
I tried to donate plasma one time and it shot dope the morning before.
And they were like, listen, you can't be here right now.
I'm like, why?
They're like, you can't just.
Someone's gonna owe you money.
Yeah, you're fucking doing it.
You're fucking dope.
Here's your slogan.
Make money, save lives, become a stool donor.
Wow, man.
It's called 4FMT, fecal microbiota.
No shit, huh?
Transplants.
Okay.
Yeah, I mean.
I like it.
I mean, it sounds like you get to wear a white robe.
You keep going, Kiki.
Come on man.
I don't want to wear a white robe.
I mean, if you don't want to.
Do you got a shit there?
Do you got a shit on a plate and send it to them?
You got a shit on a pride flag?
No, you should.
I mean, you got to get to the last table and we can all poop above you.
I mean, that's what it is.
What is an option?
No, yeah, you put it in a bag on ice pack.
They send you like the proper stuff, like ice packs, and then you ship it back to them.
I don't like Venomal.
I'm sure you set up a direct deposit type thing.
Man, it sounds pretty wild.
Yeah, it sure does.
We're seeing chicks involved in this, man.
We can make some fucking kids.
Well, I mean, honestly, I hate it.
It's like, we could film it then too.
Well, here you go.
Hey, pay, hey, hey, you're healthy.
We'll pay you 150 bucks for your stool.
If you pass, we keep the 350.
Man, you are such a creep, dude.
How are you going to tell it?
Yeah, take a shit boy.
You said that so confidently.
No, he said that perfectly.
Say, excuse me, pretty lady.
Can you shit in this thing for me?
We'll take guys shit too.
$150 for a real opportunity employer.
I'm wearing a doctor.
No, he doesn't.
He looks like he blows kisses through a chain link.
She's got to pass the test though.
We got to make sure she's going to be accepted.
That's a deal, right?
They got to pass the test.
Right, right.
What test is it?
They tested blood.
We got to, we're the middleman.
We just do the interviews.
Imagine you get tattooed.
Imagine your shit gets turned down.
What a disappointment.
Your shit isn't good enough for us.
I'm sorry, man.
I've really hit rock bottom.
We'll take your panties though.
Can you fuck those three times for us?
We'll give you ten pounds for those.
Just for our listeners, Kiki is a huge proponent of used women's underwear.
He's wearing a pair of face right now.
Yeah, he's like, he's like, bang.
He was born in the stink.
Not all women, not all women.
Well, you know what though, that's a funny thing though.
We might get a pair of those besides your head.
You still got to sniff them though.
Yeah, I still got to wrap them up like Princess Leia and Twist Up.
Oh yeah, dude.
Disfact girl panties.
I got to twist up something.
Your whole pH is off.
You can't even get a cell phone signal.
You got five squeeze.
How fast the conversation turns.
Oh yeah, oh.
And fourth.
So who's the fucking Italian guy?
Italian Thor.
So was it an Italian alien?
Okay, explain this to Kiki first.
Italian Thor, no.
It was Valiant Thor.
Oh no, Valiant, yeah, he worked for the government.
Right, Italian Thor is so sorry.
So now, Italian Thor is his brother.
And he's just got like a wife, Peter.
I'm going to go and hand her to you.
I'm crazy.
He's balding.
I like this guy.
I'm going to pound you like a field.
He's kind of hungry.
Across from Mario and Alien and Thor.
I don't know who told you to fucking authorize that.
Fuck off.
I'm Italian Thor.
I don't know who told you you could tell me, motherfucker.
This fucking video is so heavy.
Man, cocaine shit.
Shit.
I'm going to change the subject, but I was thinking about
your guys origin story with Frenchie.
Oh yeah.
I love Frenchie with the character.
I was a character, man.
Oh man, I remember
going, where the hell were we?
We were so piss-faced.
He's talking about dicks not working this and that.
Oh my god.
There was an electric fence.
He was like, piss on the fence.
I've seen the video.
Oh yo, that's right, there was a video.
And he kept saying, he was like, try to
shock his dick to get it to work.
And he kept going back.
Dude, the best was
fucking J-Bird and I went to his basement.
I forgot that was on video.
And the basement flooded and there was a pocket twat.
Just floating.
It just floated away.
So we started calling.
This kid's over in the other room.
PT Cruiser.
Yeah, it's called the PT Cruiser pocket twat.
Fucking hilarious.
And he's like trying to get it out all faith.
I got sciatica from laying on the couch.
Motherfucker, those are bed swords.
Yeah.
He got fucking beat up at the skate park
for trying to sell drugs to children.
Yeah.
Like bad.
They beat him up with the skateboard.
Someone's dad beat the fuck out of him.
About the head with the edge of a plank.
What the hell are you doing at the skate park
trying to sell drugs to?
I'm a surgeon.
I stopped talking to him after he did that.
I was done with him.
The best is
he got arrested at the Hindu place
where he down the street from you guys
crashed. He tried to rob it.
The Hindu temple.
That's right.
The little kid over fucking came in.
There was a sleepover.
New Year's sleepover.
And the little kid stopped doing him.
And they held him for the top.
The one day he picked the other one.
The five little kids filed on him.
He's like a huge festival.
Yeah.
He's like a Vishnu.
Everybody saw him.
Not only did he get busted, but little kids
fucking held him.
He's trying to steal the donation.
Could you imagine how fun that was for those kids?
They're still telling that story.
Oh fuck. Yeah.
They were like, I wonder what happened to that guy.
He's fucking dead.
Yeah.
I'm sure that's what they're predicting.
You knew that.
I set him up with this chick
Christine wants.
They go out on a date and she fucking
texts me.
Does this motherfucker have teeth?
Which he didn't.
Coming from a guy who has no teeth.
I mean the fucking irony. Jesus Christ.
They can cut it with a teeth.
She didn't know.
It's funny.
Mikey and I lived together.
The ones I have a friend kept asking for it.
Mikey had his skis.
Who do you remember that?
For friendship, he had skis and he was so pissed off.
I said, give me my damn skis.
And they were like, oh, you want your fucking skis?
Fucking, we put a tow rope onto his truck
and Mikey put his skis on the road
and we videotaped Mikey with spark shoes.
I've seen that.
He had a huge rooster tail.
He had his head on the door.
We tried to pull the path out.
I've seen the rooster tail of a spark.
He had the video.
Yeah, he was so pissed.
Fuck your cows, man.
I was getting dragged down the street.
Jesus, man.
The best of skis are ruined.
I mean, Larry, let me tell you.
Maybe a whack could wax him.
Yeah, you could only hit a lady with him.
That's the only thing you could do.
You may have to peel the asphalt out of him.
No, that's a domestic bike.
Good old Medina.
Man, there was fucking cowboy rules back then.
Fucking Noxu, baby.
That's hilarious, man.
When you moved into this place,
on the fridge, there was a little Asian girl
picture of an Asian girl.
No, no, no, it was on the fridge.
So this guy, Lou,
a guy had to be 60, 70 years old.
I had to guarantee Mel order bright.
She was younger.
He had a younger kid.
We had to go to his house to sign the lease
and all the stuff.
The printing paper.
I took a little picture of his daughter.
She was on the fridge.
We named her Little Noxu.
Oh, man.
You guys should be in jail.
I mean, it was just like...
There was one of those like an 80's shot.
Hey, Kiki, can we eat some
mushroom maries?
Noxu's as-a.
They understand a couple things.
Cook, clean, back into the closet.
Man, you can't come into the closet.
And I guarantee you this is how this guy was.
He was an odd dude.
He was a midian.
He rented to us.
We grew shit.
We grew shit out of weed in his basement.
Yeah, it was hilarious.
I remember one time I went to Frenchie's house
with my dad and he's showing him around.
He's like, come on down to the basement.
And the whole basement is just filled with weed.
And my dad's like, wow!
Holy fuck.
And it was way before it was legal.
And he's like, what about your kids?
He's like, oh yeah, they helped me water.
Fuck, dude.
I'll tell you what though.
California, North Cal.
This was 20 years ago when I was in North Cal.
And I remember going up to Willets and all this stuff.
And the one guy we went
went with Beaver.
Oh yeah.
All the way up north.
Well, this is Willets.
It's past fucking
Marino.
I've never been far north up in California.
Yeah, it's in the backwoods there.
They pick,
they vote on the DA
and the sheriff if they're pro weed or not.
Oh yeah, yeah.
That's the whole fucking
basis of their vote.
The town is in out of the city.
You can go to a small Monpo place in there.
And all of a sudden,
just for like, they have waters and little bullshit.
But then all of a sudden, the middle of the store,
they have a big...
They have a big table.
And this is back in like 2003 maybe.
It's a massive table of just packets
of turkey bags.
The little boxes you get grocery store.
I mean, they have hundreds of them.
So you know what's going on up there.
But I remember we got caught and we were going up to meet them.
Mendocino, that's what I was trying to think of.
Mendocino, man.
That's what you remind me.
The guy calls up, all right, meet me at this place.
We finally got up there like 8 o'clock at night.
He pulls up in this truck.
He's got a tarp over the back.
But he's got like plants sticking
out of this guy's car.
He's got to put a red thing out of his stick.
Seriously.
This is like the local...
Like it's Albert's or some of the vans out there.
Yeah, we're in the stores.
And we look at each other like,
this is how it is up here.
We go back to his house.
His kids are sitting there trimming all the weed.
His friends come over.
I mean, that's just the lifestyle.
You look over at the neighbor's house.
They have plants lined up on the side of the house
and they figure out what to do.
That's the industry.
The whole town is like a giant fucking weed pack.
A lot of cartels run that shit now.
Weeds getting cheaper.
The problem is, I don't understand how
they're building all these dispensaries.
Well, here's the thing, man.
There's a brand new one that went to the putt golf.
Remember we used to play putt golf over there?
Yeah, on Lake Street.
How the fuck do you...
How are they making this much money?
The weed today, it gets you real high,
and you got them fucked up, man.
Some GMO shit.
I got some ancient seeds in it.
The weed has always been GMO.
Yeah, I got some seeds from the 90s.
From what?
From my friend Mark.
Well, you'd have to tissue culture them now.
They won't sprout.
You have to germinate them through tissue culture.
Yeah, definitely.
They'll still be with your old plant.
Oh, yeah, no, it'll still be the original.
Nine GMO shit.
The old school.
The land race.
The Mexican fucking...
The land race strains.
Yeah, landrists fucking shit like that.
Old school AK-47.
Remember that shit, man?
The times when we...
We went to old school.
We went to old school. Don't even go together in my world.
We went to Amsterdam.
And I literally snuck the seeds back in click pens.
With the...
Yeah, I want pencils and shit.
Shit like that, man.
Oh, yeah, when I went back in 95...
Well, when back with Curtis.
I dressed real nice.
I remember... I was in that...
I dressed in a suit when I went there.
My passport picture, when I went to take my passport picture, I was all fucked up.
Yeah, imagine that.
So I get to Amsterdam to stamp my passport.
He's like, you coming or going?
Yeah, man, I'm not even here.
He laughed at the picture, stamp 11.
But then, yeah, my buddy brought hashback and shampoo bottles.
And I, you know, I dressed real nice
because we actually find stamp by United.
And I had just button-up shirt.
And I unstitched the bottom hem of the shirt
and like stitched in the seeds into the hem.
Wow.
But that's what I brought back.
I mean, yeah, you probably should have done some heroin or something.
Yeah, I mean, if you're going to go to prison, go for a long time.
I mean, this guy...
He probably tried to put a fucking suit case.
This fucking idiot, you should have brought heroin.
He's like, hey, can I put this toot in check?
Dude, this is vagina sticking out.
Yeah.
Don't mind it, don't mind it.
The one time I went to Vancouver,
I got seeds and I was bringing them back.
I even brought weed back, too.
Well, no, I went through security and I had my shit crouched.
They really fuck where you going.
Yeah, I can't even fucking around.
But then, so I was coming, I went through security,
I'm like, oh, cool, I'm safe.
Took it out of my crotch, put it in my pockets.
We go to board the plane.
There's two female security guards checking everybody
right before you get into the plane.
And it was like too late to do anything.
I was luckily, I didn't give a fuck back down, I know fear.
And I put my bags down and as I did,
my buddy was talking to the one.
I dug in my pocket as my back was turd.
Dug in my pocket, grabbed it, shoved it down my pants,
and it turned around to her.
I just kept her busy.
She checked my pockets, empty her pockets, didn't find anything.
Fucking Kansas City shuffle, man.
Classic Kansas City shuffle.
Well, Mark fucking did a switcheroo.
Oh, man.
But John, coming back with Jamaica,
Mark should be, uh...
Oh, I baffled him.
Tell him.
This fucking guy, the storyteller.
I baffled him.
We had a...
Come back from Jamaica, it's a Saturday morning flight.
And we landed, we got to go with the customs.
And they gave you the customs card to fill out on the plane,
you know, as you were in there.
And so we turned on our customs card with RD
and the guy gets my card,
writing red letters right on top of my car, P-A-T.
Pat.
And I got my card out.
That ass, too.
It's not written on John's card.
It's not written on looking at other people's cards,
because everybody's just kind of like,
I'm a character, and no one's got this book.
Yeah, it sounds like Don Vito, too.
It's something like John, man.
Look, you know, switch cards, you know?
Switch cards.
That's what your friend wants.
Switch cards, yeah.
And, uh, he...
And the Levato, come on.
And, yeah, I had a drug joint.
How much?
I was just going to find you making weed.
Oh, but you're buddy, switch buddy. That's a good friend.
Yeah, well, he didn't know I had the weed.
So he got his ass fingered and got his little gun.
Yeah, he got totally searched.
Okay, a mountain of junk.
He was fucking pissed at you, man.
Well, he saved your ass, though.
Yes, yes, yes. It was good. I gave it a pie.
Well, did you kiss after?
And what were you, what year was this?
It was Jamaica years ago, uh, 80s, 90s, you know, 90s.
Yeah, I got in trouble a lot of times with the band.
But it was a good thing I ran through enough to switch the passes, you know.
Going through customs and they put a little...
I didn't notice the first time they put a little yellow sticker on the back of my passport.
And it was just a little thing.
And I didn't notice it.
And every time I go through, I got fucked with it.
And I'm like, it's just...
I took the sticker off and I was like, sure enough,
that was like, they marked me and I didn't even know what they don't tell you.
No, no, no. Do they really need to mark you later?
But dude, man, I mean, come on.
I got drugs on them.
I mean, even if a cop pulls them over down the street from here,
this guy's got something on him.
Or he's the kind of guy that's like, all the drugs are in me.
Yeah.
I mean, drugs, I didn't know they were all in me.
I've gotten lucky too many damn times.
I remember I flew to Malaysia.
And I bought a ticket.
I brought like 7 grams of hash with me.
Because whenever I travel like internet,
well, because it doesn't stink and you can chase the dragon.
So I come to, well, go to Malaysia.
And I remember getting off to play.
I mean, this is, you know,
2000 or 1999 or something.
Yeah, when your boss was calling.
Yeah, I ditched you.
I disappeared for a couple months.
Well, no, I get off the plane, you know,
walking in the tarmac and then walk inside the airport.
And it's a wall. The first thing you see when you get to the airport,
the wall had to be like
15 feet tall by about 30 feet wide.
And it said, in our prisons,
we don't have any drug traffickers because we execute them all.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah. And I'm like, okay, I got 7 grams of hash in my f**k.
You're like, look at my asshole.
And then, you know, everybody there is Muslim
and dark skin.
So I'm like blonde hair and blue eyes.
Everybody's looking at me. I'm like, oh man.
I went right to the bathroom.
I ate like a half of it and I flushed the other half.
Good move.
Let me tell you something.
My friend, he was Chinese and he would go back and forth.
He said they would do heroin and stuff.
If you wipe your hands and there's residue
and they see it in the airport with the thing,
they'll execute you.
Yeah, just like your bags.
Not even having drugs.
You did the drugs.
Yeah, they don't mess around.
Hey, so I would like to welcome our Polish friend.
Last name, Ski.
Did you know what the Pollacks did once?
They built a racket to the sun.
You're f**king genius.
They built a screen door on a submarine.
Yeah.
Dude, I grew up with so many Polish jokes.
I love it.
I got a foreign pollock out of a tree.
You hear about the Pollack terrorists?
They blew up a car.
Burn his lips in the jail pipe.
Yeah.
Classic dude.
Thanks, Mark.
You grew up in Chicago.
No, but that's just funny though.
You know what I mean?
I was talking to a fan
across the country.
A friend of the show.
We shot him out.
Russ?
Yeah, it was Russ.
He said it's so...
like when Mark and
Needles are like, this f**king guy.
This f**king guy.
He's like, man, you guys are from Chicago.
It's so hard.
It's so f**king fun to listen to.
This guy's from Nodtown.
That's the best part of Chicago.
I don't know.
We live in West Side.
Chicago's sober, we just do heroin.
West Side to Nodtown.
Hanging out in the garage.
Man, I got this crazy story, man.
I thought you said a crazy hemorrhoid or something.
I did have a hemorrhoid.
I got this crazy infection.
What my cousin does.
This guy I know.
My friend told me to ask you.
You're a doctor.
It's not me.
I'm bad at your dick is green.
I've never had VD.
I never have.
I've had the clapp.
I've never had the clapp about.
You only got bad though, man.
I had a girlfriend.
I don't have a minor name, but we've passed VD back and forth.
Well, you have GZ.
No, not at all.
You got the VD.
The team now is like these young kids.
Even if they get the clapp or the gonorrhea,
they don't have to get the old swab down the f**king...
Oh my god, dude.
I had to get that recently, man.
Even with the hospital.
I cringe every time I think about it, dude.
I had the catheter.
I remember...
clicking the button all night long.
Just take this damn thing out.
I can't sleep. Just take the damn thing out.
Anytime you move or whatever, it just...
Oh, thank god I never had to have that.
And then finally she's like, okay, I can take it out.
And I remember she's like, I'm gonna do it.
She just rips it out.
And then it's gonna be a few inches long.
Dude, this thing f**king...
Well, it's gotta get your bladder.
Yeah, it's like two feet long.
And then the next three...
like two days pissing, it just burned.
It's just f**king finally getting in there.
It's wounded.
It's like, raw dog in a hole.
Stick up your dick, it's gotta be...
Yeah, and the f**ker's going...
It's a quarter inch too.
It's like, you're not even gonna stick your finger in my dick.
This guy's like a thumb in a bush.
Oh, stop me.
I just got back from a tour and sh**t, and all the doctors
said to me, you know, they want to hear about
all the orgies and wild things.
Yeah, and the doctors said this?
Yeah, so how'd you get it?
Because they knew I'd go in there with the long hair,
I got some infection, my cock, and I...
Jesus, weren't you married at this time?
Yeah.
Mary was right there when there was a slurring thing on my dick.
Oh my god.
I'm like, oh my god, and she's like...
I don't think I want to be here for this part.
And she walked out of the room, and that's when the doctors
started telling me how'd you get this right.
Yeah, right?
Dude, you brought this from Germany or where?
No, it was just...
I was making a Shia video?
No, no.
We were doing around the United States.
It was a couple of November's.
When they quarantined you, it's f**king fool, man.
You're just out there f**king...
Who knows what you're doing, man.
One time I got the crabs, so bad, at Christmas.
That stuff still around?
The crabs?
He ate them.
Bad, dude, bad.
I didn't know what was going on.
I just thought it was too much f**king, you know.
It was who a girl, because we were f**king...
And I had just itching like crazy, dude.
Crazy, crazy.
It was bad, really bad.
And then finally, I went over to her house on Christmas,
and her parents up in Wisconsin...
Jesus, this story checks out.
Christmas f**king morning.
Christmas.
I look and I see, and I actually take a look,
and what's wrong with me, and I...
They're literally crabs, dude, and they look like crabs, man.
They've been feeding for a while.
Yeah, these are big f**king 2-year-olds.
I don't think you can tell. They're crabs.
Clusters, clusters of them.
Giant f**king clusters of them.
And I'm like, what the f**k, bitch?
What's happening? What is going on?
I'm like, John, here. What the f**k is Christmas day?
She didn't notice anything?
She didn't notice anything? Yeah, she was saying nothing about it, though.
I'm like, oh my god, what the f**k is this?
Ben, you don't get to tell me you got crabs.
I heard you were eating that shit.
How could you f**king not?
This was the girl that looked like Lucy from Trailer Park.
Oh, man.
Yeah, she was fine, yeah.
I like Trailer Park.
That's a say, I hope you were eating that.
So, tell them what you did after that.
Hopefully you shaved your f**king computer.
No, I didn't do anything for them.
Did you say we're getting the f**k out of here and you didn't save for Christmas?
Yeah, so you left the crabs at the house.
Yeah, I remember.
He left them at the bed.
That's where Grandma's sleeping.
I'm waiting on this.
This kid's a piece out of crabs.
We got real drunk the night before their father, too.
He's had a horrible hangover.
We were in this little tiny Milwaukee house.
Went to her grandmother's in Milwaukee.
We were in the little tiny houses,
a little tiny one-room house in Milwaukee.
It was a movie fan-starting.
And the whole family's there.
90 people jammed in this little f**king room.
Oh, man.
And she's making this ham and in the ride-doh thing.
Did you bring the chicken to the house?
Yeah, it was her parents. It was her family.
So all these people were in the house and you were banging this chicken?
No, no, no, no.
We had the crabs.
I was scratching his balls all day.
I got to be a bit worse.
I was hot and sweaty.
I was banging her in the house.
No, no, no.
He's had crabs for like two weeks now.
These women are always got a male past.
They were clusters.
Yeah, they were doing clusters.
Yeah, crab clusters.
They're having a Christmas party too.
They have to throw them three up.
Oh, Jesus.
It was hot in there and I'm thinking about the sh** going on my crotch.
And I'm so hungover and the heat.
And finally, I just couldn't take any longer.
Where'd you go?
I told her, we got to go to another hotel.
Imagine the emergency room you go to.
I got to go.
I got to go to the emergency room.
They're like crabs.
Where are they?
I drove all my driving home from Wisconsin.
Mary's the only f**king way.
I was driving to Wisconsin.
Wait a second.
You drove home with the crabs.
Did you get crabs at your house?
No, what do you mean?
You had the crab from his girlfriend.
Yeah, he brought them home.
We brought them to the restaurant.
They were driving from Wisconsin.
They were in a sweet f**king ride, man.
I'm driving to the AM radio.
So what are you doing? Like shampoo or something?
Yeah, there's just stuff you get in the drug store.
Like lice. There's lice shampoo.
Oh, so you can just go to the drug store and get them up to a doctor first.
No, no.
How do you do it like five times?
Five times.
See, the crabs, I think, were like an 80s thing.
Yeah, well, Pupicare.
That's what they had at Pupicare.
Filthy.
Yeah, I mean white trash.
We had a basement.
There's a code right there.
We had a basement.
We slept in a magic basement.
You're like, you didn't get ringworm also.
Right.
Yeah, I didn't get ringworm, actually.
Just in Jerry and everything.
I mean, he's living in the Middle Ages.
I didn't know if this girl ate.
I was cooking in Russia.
I would go to work and eat food there.
I'd never bought her food.
I don't know.
I don't know how she ate.
I don't know where she ate. I don't know what she did for food.
She was just there to eat.
She was eating those crabs.
I mean, you're sitting there doing drugs with her all night.
We had so much fucking coke.
Yeah, if you don't eat too much when you're doing it.
Hey, do you ever hear the expression,
your balls are really going to be in a sling?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell them about when your balls are in a sling.
That was a different time.
Yeah, they swelled up with something.
The bitch gave me something.
It was something, man.
Were you nuts?
Yeah.
I had a breath of the bandana.
You see him, Larry?
I had a breath of the bandana.
I had a time up in there.
And then hold them, say, in the bandana and walk around.
You had your nuts in the bandana?
Yeah.
They swirled up so fucking bad, man.
Oh, man, that's gotta be the worst thing.
I go to the bar when he ate.
He goes, my balls are actually in a sling.
You get to wear an XXL sweatshirt.
Put it on your feet.
It's like, back to home, man.
This fucking guy.
He's personally an 80s rapper.
He's the height of this fucking bandana.
So what the hell did you have to do with that?
I found some stuff.
We used to do stuff.
I found some stuff.
I put on my balls and it went down.
Holy shit.
I mean, this sounds like the most fucking thing I've ever done.
I mean, this sounds like the most
far-fetched story I've ever done.
My balls swirled up.
I found something.
He came in and he was like,
is this the same girl?
Yeah, same girl.
Oh my god.
She's a fucking fursher.
You come with me, shit my head.
Man, you always have a big dick, dude.
That shit's fucking, I was like, holy shit.
It's hot, dude.
It just gets hemmed up every time I put it in here.
It's because they're fucking everybody else.
Bro, you got a new fucking video every week.
That's why she doesn't eat anything.
She's baking bread, shit, crabs.
Hopefully it doesn't have sickle, though.
Yeah, Joey had a big ball swollen, too, man.
A few times.
Do you bubble?
One time with the one time you were sticking.
My favorite joke of the night.
The stick of my dick, that was one time.
The one time when they were sticking.
My right nut was about as big as my fist.
One time my dick swolled up so big
it was bigger than that Tito's bottle.
Jesus.
It was not that Tito's.
Not even hard, man.
I was like, holy fuck, man.
And I was getting scared.
It was at their motorcycle.
The doctor was like, you'd be surprised, you know,
what the body could do.
Fell to swell up to me.
You'd be surprised on how much drugs
you can take and crush a scooter.
Yeah.
And not feel it until the next day
when your nuts swollen like a volleyball.
What's wrong with my nut?
I'm not straight up.
What happened last night?
You go take a piss and your dick
holds your ball.
I was freaking out and I walked into the...
I went to the hospital
in fucking Malrose Park
and I walked in and the ladies were
behind the counter and she's like, can I help you?
And I'm like, yeah, man.
Whoa, whoa.
The doctor will see you in the back.
And I'm here for the casting couch.
I got a good story with that.
I used to go to Oceanside Clinic every year
just to get...
Well, bang it, bruh.
I'm gonna get a little checkup.
And it was an older woman doing the check.
I mean, she was probably in her 60s,
but she was good looking and I started chubbing.
And she's like, oh, that's all right.
It happens.
You see a corner of her sundress
and you can see her.
You sure you don't want to check my prostate?
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Well,
another time, you know,
it was like...
it might have been the same time, you know,
after the stick and then the doctors
were gonna do an ultrasound of my balls
and it was this really hot looking young
black chick that slathered the slippery shit
and ran the thing over my nuts.
Nice.
This part's not bad.
After getting that stick ram though, I did it.
He's like, black people aren't that bad.
At least this one wasn't.
She was real good at slathering that shit on her.
I liked it kind of.
I bet you did.
And I went back and I told everybody,
so that part wasn't so weird.
Excuse me.
If you slathered my one huge testicle,
man, I mean...
I could see it on the screen, too.
Like, you're inside.
Yeah, yeah.
It was fucking pulsating and shit, man.
But the girl had no idea.
I said, mind if I tell her?
She's like, the doctor's gonna have to tell her.
All I do is look good and slather your balls.
Just keep rubbing on it.
Do you mind if I jack off?
The doctors paid way too much
to have to rub your balls.
Oh, the shit...
You have your phone on you?
Yeah, the shit doctors have to deal with.
Oh, my God.
How many...
How many people go into the hospital
with shit stuck in their ass?
All kinds of weird things you see.
Probably at least once a day, right?
Imagine, maybe.
You hear all these weird 911 calls.
I got a bottle in my ass.
I slipped and fell on the bottle.
That's how they always get in my ass.
I slipped and fell on the first.
That's a pretty precision fall, but I mean...
You really fell on that thing perfectly.
My colors are on the floor.
How come you're still in your bath towel?
Yeah, you know. Don't mind the cameras when you come in.
I think there's like hot wheel cars in my ass.
I slipped and fell on them.
Take an eating competition.
You know what I mean?
Like, how many hot wheels can you fit in your ass?
I don't know. You gotta check.
There we go.
I'll blow you in your butt.
How many have you got?
There's some hot wheels right on that shelf.
You can grab them.
Try it out.
There are some hot wheels.
There's gonna be some brown wheels.
Yeah.
But that's all right, though.
And for smoking, let me hit that thing on...
I thought you were smoking a cigarette.
It's a big cigarette thing, right?
Ud's Vape and...
Vape and Z-Dutch.
I gotta take a piss real quick.
Oh, man. That's no fucking piss.
That's right, though. We had a break, so he deserves it if he wants.
And I'm gonna go get some more ice for that drink.
Okay, that's fine, man.
You can do this shit.
I can't believe how much coke I've still got.
All right, that's it?
All right, man.
So I renewed that friendship.
Mark's talking about friendships he rekindled.
People that had a lot of cocaine and shit.
That was a good friendship.
Fuck the one girl with the basement and the cocaine.
I ran in this guy to gas station one afternoon.
Me and her at the gas station.
When I see the guy, I make,
hey, you know what I think?
I get some fucking coke. Want to do some coke?
He says, yes, sure. I walk over.
Hey, man, I haven't seen you in a long time.
Yeah, long time. Hey, what's up, man?
Yeah, hey, did you still get coke?
Oh, yeah, I did still get coke.
Man, here's my number. Call me later, after six.
When I'm home.
See, that's great.
And he was right here in Roselle on the Magillow way.
He lived.
Nice.
And we go there and just pick up fucking eight balls.
And I found a real fucking white fucking shit that stink.
Right. Remember that shit?
Oh, God.
Dude, I'll tell you what, Mike's brother had coke one time.
It was fucking yellow.
I'm the best thing I've ever remembered.
Needles brother? Yeah. Jay.
I was the best shit I've ever done.
I mean, it was crazy.
Did you ever meet Mike's old buddy?
Who the hell was it? Smith? Yeah, Smitty.
Oh, is it recording?
Yeah.
Speaking of Smitty,
I remember the name of the bar in Vista
that we were hanging out.
Yeah.
We're Mikey, uh...
The wheelchair.
No, no, no, no. The bar name.
I remember.
Just hit me in the head.
Don't tell me, man.
I hate those things.
So fucking Larry, for some reason, likes to keep empty handles
of vodka around the house.
Well, that is for my water pick.
So when I put the water in there,
it's cold and it's out of the filter.
Yeah, because I'm like,
wait a minute, Mike, did I bring the Tito's up to the pisser?
No, no, that's what that is.
It's water. There's an empty handle.
Well, it's not empty.
It's got water.
And then the other water bottle is salt water
that me and Mary rinse out our mouths with.
So if there's a bottle of Tito's laying around,
it's not a Tito's.
No, here's how you know the difference.
Those big bottles have the big plastic thing on the top.
Right.
And when it's empty, I rip the plastic thing off.
So if you open it and that's not on there,
it's not vodka anymore.
Well, it's not like you guys drink,
but it's so weird that you just keep on holding the handle
of fucking Larry.
Well, no, it's just weird. I'm pissing.
I'm like, did I bring that bottle on there?
I bought a fifth.
Man, fucking Larry with the handle of vodka in there.
Well, here's the thing, man.
When I drink, you're gonna fucking
get a better bang for your fucking handle.
Yeah, you do.
But then you're gonna drink Tito's.
It's just like if you buy more cigarettes,
you're gonna smoke a lot of things.
Yeah, but I don't drink it in one night just because it's there, man.
I say, me and Mary, you know, have a drink.
Dude, it's great to have a while.
I don't indulge, but that's the problem.
And then, you know, someone comes over, they want a drink.
I got it. Yeah, right?
Until they drink saltwater.
There's like, this Tito's sauce.
Yeah, this Tito's is not great at all.
I know which one is the fucking water.
I mean, this is the worst Tito's I have.
I'm like Larry's tooth.
Yeah, bottle's over the house over there.
This vodka's made by a different Mexican.
Hey, Tito.
Did we ever get into fucking
the Italian fucking Thor or no?
Yeah.
Let's start talking about him, yeah.
No, but I thought we did for a little bit, though.
We did Italian Thor.
He spreads viscity to all the cases.
Take me through your lead.
I'm gonna bonge you like a veal.
Don't you like a veal?
He's got a meatball on his string.
Yeah.
He's like Wonder Woman.
I'm the Italian Thor.
Fucking right.
Dang, sauce monkeys.
Let me tell you.
Those guys are crazy.
So, Danforth,
what did you watch again last night?
So, we talked about...
I can't remember now, man.
I mean, the reptilians you were talking about.
I watched it. It was a good one, too.
We were watching Ancient Aliens
and they're talking about...
We're watching one about abductions and I say,
oh, man, I hope they have ducked me and I yell out,
abduct me, Aliens and Mary.
He's like, shut the fuck up.
What are you, crazy?
I'm like, come on.
You just want to get probed.
That's all it is.
I saw how big that ass probe was on the South Park.
I'm on to try that.
I was like, shit, aliens could kidnap me
if they got those Bond aliens up there.
I'll start producing for them.
That's the whole thing, though.
You need to dictate once they have you tied to a table
what they're going to do to you.
I don't even think they have to tie you down.
They can paralyze you with their mind.
You can't do it.
I'm kind of a fan of things.
They will it and you can't move.
I did watch a show last night
and the guy was saying that that tic-tac craft,
you know what they talk about, the tic-tac?
That actually is an R.
No, that makes sense.
It's one of ours, a tic-tac.
Flying saucer.
Anti-gravity craft.
They released it in CNN.
It was shot by a crazy dude.
It looked like a pill or something.
Yeah, like a tic-tac.
They finally are starting to slowly release it.
There are fucking foes out there.
But that's what it is.
It's ours.
It actually was ours.
That makes sense.
I knew the coordinates of the meetup spots
that was there.
It kind of makes sense.
I don't understand.
This is like third hand information.
No, this is shit on CNN.
The pilot's name was Fravor.
Right.
He's done podcasts.
You see his background.
There's a lot of interceptions
between planes and all this shit.
They just showed that one at the coordination.
They were like, whoa.
Oh yeah, 24,000 miles an hour.
It goes to 20,000 feet
within a split second.
Then it goes in water.
There's two microwaves
between the coating.
There's two things.
They create some kind of thing
where there's no friction at all.
Everything stays away.
There's no friction.
It's moving through its own bubble.
It's got its own feel.
There's no friction.
It really gets in water.
Put that right in front of the Enforced Butt.
There's nothing in it.
No friction.
They say it's actually called the molecule.
It's not on our...
I think it is now.
It's Element 115.
Bob Lazar.
He was talking about it back in the 80s.
Anytime they censor
or say somebody's crazy,
that's the guy to listen to.
It's like Alex Jones.
I think it was like 20, 30 years later,
Russian scientists actually
created Element 115 for a split second.
Fucking Ruskies, man.
This was the element that powered the craft.
That's what they're thinking.
It was heavier metal
than what we have here on Earth.
What we can even create.
It's such a heavy metal.
They think it was so heavy
that Slayer couldn't fuck with it.
It's like the Devil.
They've got the
anti-magnetic one
or the electromagnetic kind.
They got the other kind
with the microwave inside.
The other one is too with the Element one.
There's three different types of propulsion.
We have all this...
What do you mean?
My hair was long.
I would walk right into Fermilab
and they would think I was a scientist.
They think you were an experiment.
They'd be like, right this way, you finook.
You know what?
Your scientists have the long-awaited
all their looking shit.
They blend right in.
If you had some business call,
I would be floating around
taking a little pamphlet and shit.
This place is fucking freaky, man.
You remember that?
That shit was right there.
I landed here recently.
It was in the last five years.
I got a laboratory.
You split Adams, two of them.
What kind of weird shit
did you do in Boys Town?
I did a lot of downhill.
Oh, we had a lot of fun in Boys Town.
It was a good time.
Not you, Mark. I'm talking to Mike!
He's reminiscing now.
It was a ball.
I was a catcher.
I remember the boys' sound.
The kids were orphans.
Whitey Martians.
They would put a sticker on you.
With the priest?
Oh
Andy something like that. Yeah, yeah father little handy. It's a good movie. He's had tiny hands
But they fire a boy and can they move? Oh, yeah, watch out for a father. Oh Andy
He's like the Bruce Lee of fucking chai chomo
Well, especially that day too, you know, he was drinking. Oh, I mean, yeah, you can't do confessional without having a couple
Dips off of wine. Yeah, but that's the problem though these guys getting retwined
I mean, we're not gonna get it. It's like the half Nelson the full Nelson the father Nelson
Father Andy
Let me show you something come in my boy
Time to do confession. Oh my god. Take your pants off
The priest needed a break so he told janitor to just sit in here for a minute and pretend you're me
So the girl goes in there and she goes I gave a boy a blow job
Says to the altar boy real quick. What is the priest usually give her blow job? He says five bucks in a candy
Now we're telling street
I
It's better than Larry Stott's last time you tried to do the quote
Oh, fuck you man. That was a great quote. That was Martin Luther King, Jr. Bitch
I tried to get a guy to photo shop. You think you're smarter than him. I think with the thumbs up. Yeah
I'm smart
No, not at all. It's fucking racist do now. I'm did you hear this guy? Did you hear that racist shit?
You're racist man. Oh, what the fuck? Yeah, I raise it woke up to call me a racist. Yeah, I'm gonna sleep in for 20 minutes
I'll tell you what Mike. He's not racist. I know you ain't he used to he used to help Mexicans get across the border
I know man. I know he's a traffic. Oh, I know
They may have been in his trunk
Good drugs, sorry needles
Serial for all we know
Remember that little kid. Hey Mikey
The pop out to be Pablo Escobar's partner
Yeah, that'd be great if that was the truth man. No, but you know the prison courtship of Eddie's father little kid. Yeah, he was a
No, man
He wanted to prison. He well, that's like mass murdered allegedly. He's in prison
Really? No allegedly. I mean Jesus. He's just making shit up now as we go along. Let's end here like subscribe follow follow us on Apple
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Yeah, he'll cut off to our followers you guys are the bad
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