Time to get ready for the Larry Needles Show.
So how often you guys do this?
As much as we want.
Alright, welcome to Larry Needles Show. I'm Larry.
I'm Needles.
We got a special guest today, Frank.
How you doing, Frank?
Doing good, man.
Frank is a friend of ours.
He's known Mary for a long time, right?
Yeah, if I didn't know Mary, I wouldn't know you.
Larry, you're Joe.
Oh man, I feel sorry for you.
I apologize.
So, oh, so we got a new website.
Yes.
It's all, it's lowercase, the Larry and Needles Show.
At Yahoo.
At Yahoo.com.
Like we said, we do all of our shit in-house.
So, first 10 listeners...
And we don't know what we're doing in fucking.
It's really amazing that we actually were able to get a fucking website going today.
I mean, an email thing.
Yeah, well, I mean, people are laughing at their scoffing at us right now.
I know.
At the same time. So, the first 10 people we get with their addresses will send you a T-shirt.
We make them in-house, send us your size, send us your address.
And then, you know...
And you get a free Larry and Needles Show.
The wife's dirty shoes on the way back.
Yeah, if you send us some of your wife's dirty underwear, we can inscribe those too.
We'll hang them up on the wall.
Exactly. We'll display them.
So, we're going to try to add a video aspect.
Yeah, so, the Larry and Needles Show all lowercase at Yahoo.com.
Like, subscribe, tell your friends.
You know, hopefully we're like...
We'll spread like wildfire.
Yeah.
We're not in it for the money, are we, Larry?
No, we're not.
Just for the fame.
I've been doing shit like this for my whole life.
And I, you know, I made just enough money to be a dirtbag.
You're a sugar baby.
Yeah, whatever.
What do you mean, whatever? That's the truth.
Hey, how about these fucking kids in Chicago, the cops are already bracing for this weekend,
for what they did last fucking weekend.
Yeah, because they're on social media.
They're flipping the fuck out, yeah.
You know about that, Frank, right?
Yeah.
You know about the kids running rampant downtown?
Okay, Larry, so what are you talking about?
They're just gearing up for a weekend.
Closer to Frank's face.
It was just, yeah, it was just that the police recently...
Police and the residents and also the business owners, they're like, fuck, man.
They're vamping up for everything?
Yeah.
They're freaking out.
But nowadays it's kind of easy to see like these kids are doing stuff on social media,
right?
Yeah.
They've got to be a way to figure out, somebody can infiltrate this, they're kids.
You guys heard of, you ever hear of the Shake Shack?
You know, it's like this fucking, like, I kind of like a McDonald's or something.
It's like the higher level McDonald's.
Step up.
They were going to have one open in Portland, you know, and Monday was going to be the grand
opening, and the mayor was going to cut the fucking ribbon and everything.
And somebody already fucking broke the windows and vandalized the fuck out of the place,
and they're not going to be able to open.
What do you mean?
They got to postpone the fucking opening.
So somebody didn't get there in the morning and realize that they didn't get the decision?
Dude, kids are, people fucking vandalized the joint.
Okay, and?
It's going to open Monday.
Fucking...
So they wanted to do a ribbon cutting?
No, they didn't go to do the ribbon cutting.
They were going to have all that big ceremony, but they're not going to bother doing it anymore.
Because they fucking wrecked the place over there.
People vandalized shit, man.
Yeah.
It didn't even open yet though.
So you don't care.
Fuck you, man.
I can arrange for that.
Needles is a fucking asshole.
Larry coming out.
Fucking jack off.
All right, well, keep going.
Larry, entertain me.
I entertain you, okay.
You entertain me.
How about Life Foot is fucking complaining now.
Oh, man.
About the soft-eyed crying prosecutors.
Yeah.
Now that she's leaving office, she's saying, people...
This is why this is so bad.
You know, she said Democrats need to wake up and admit that they have a crime problem.
Is it just that?
Now that she's leaving.
Yeah.
Now that she knows she'll never fucking be back in the machine.
You fucking say like he...
Yeah.
Isn't that funny?
Yeah.
Fucking contuffa...
Fucking bitch.
Well, it's just the fucking ferocity that...
Same thing is going on though with Adams in New York City.
He's also fucking saying what the fuck to these prosecutors.
And he's not going anywhere.
The problem is, is that if you're going to be soft on crime, what's going to happen?
Crime's going to increase.
If there's no repercussions for your actions, you're just going to keep on doing it, right?
Yeah.
You can't...
Like they were saying that these...
Now people are afraid because of these rights.
Now street that they're going to be racially profiled.
Right, right.
And it's okay.
And I completely understand that.
But if you're looking out to do trouble...
It doesn't matter what fucking color you are.
You got six guys with masks on.
You know, just walking around downtown.
You know, nobody else has got masks on.
Hey, I got some questions for Frank.
By the way, Frank is a pizza delivery guy around the neighborhood and shit.
Whoa.
Hey.
I identify as a conspiracy theorist.
Oh, really?
And my three pronouns are future fact, spoiler alert, and I told you so.
Nice.
All right.
Any scenarios happen when you get to the place and the lady can't pay for the pizza?
Like the porno movie or anything?
No.
I don't want to talk about stuff like that.
I don't really want to talk about the USSA either.
Okay.
Or maybe like religion, I know you guys.
Oh, no.
We'll have fun with religion.
Those are opinions.
We feel like about...
Okay Larry, come on.
Keep going.
No, well shit, man.
Why do you think it's so funny that they're making little kids work in those factories
and stuff?
It's not funny at all.
You were laughing about it before.
It's not funny.
It's funny.
You were telling me.
Well, I was telling you, they debunked that story about the kid working in the slaughterhouse.
It was actually a 21 year old Hispanic male, which is very funny.
I mean, anybody will fucking bite on anything nowadays, right?
Oh my God, look at this child.
Nobody fact check anything?
No, I know.
The news cycle rotates so quickly that unless it's a really big story, you might be on a
day or two.
Yeah.
You gotta murder your kids or school shooting or something like that.
Yeah.
You know what's funny though?
It's not funny, but you know what's fucking sickening is?
What's like, you hear about a shooting at a school and you're like, oh, they only killed
three people.
It's like if it's not...
That's crazy.
You know?
We're so fucking jaded and so damn down.
Well, we're just inundated with all of this fucking infirm...
You know, there's always something with...
It's good versus evil.
What's that?
It's good versus evil.
Yeah.
It's always been good versus evil, but now everything's...
It's not even...
Some things aren't even like left versus right.
No.
Things are just right and wrong.
Yeah.
That's it.
Yeah.
Everybody's thing is a skew now.
It's never been more prominent than now though.
Well, it's like I want to belong to the party that's common sense and truth.
Yeah.
Too bad there's not one.
Let's start one.
Yeah, it'd be nice.
I mean, but it's hard to get the...
That needs to follow up.
Yeah.
We're in some scary times, man.
Yeah.
I mean, it's going to get worse before it gets better.
Definitely.
I mean, there's a trend going on right now with...
I mean, the way the gas is, the way the groceries are, people can't fucking afford to feed their
families.
I mean, something's got to swing.
The pendulum has got to fucking...
It's not only that, man.
The school system is fucked.
I was watching this thing on TV today, man, and they said, literacy nationwide is just
fucking plummeting.
They got these new methods to teach the kids...
The scoring system.
Yeah.
Well, no, not a scoring system, but these new methods to teach the kids and it just isn't
working.
It's not the old school way.
I don't know what...
They didn't get into the actual process of it.
You automatically pass.
That too.
And that's one of the problems.
This is exactly it.
They said 87% of the kids graduate and only 30% of them can fucking read.
Come on, though.
That's grade level.
Well...
Yeah.
No, listen, man, third graders, 27% can read at grade level.
Fourth graders, 33%.
30% fifth graders.
Where was this?
I don't know.
It's...
No, these are the statistics that they fucking...
Yeah, I know, but I understand.
The education system gathers up and they just push them fucking right through, man.
They can't read.
They can't fucking matter.
I mean, look at my vocabulary.
It's horrible and I can fucking read.
The caveman.
You know, it's gonna be bad.
We're in some fucking crazy shit.
In all the other countries, they're just gonna fucking surpass like a motherfucker because
they're already laughing at us.
Yeah, we're laughing stuck.
We got no skills, though, and it's gonna get fucking worse.
It's tough to be a superpower when fucking draw everybody weak.
You know what I mean?
Like, we're so worried about pronouns and gender and all this agenda that people keep
on pushing on us.
It doesn't matter if you're a Republican or a Democrat.
The stupidity of both levels that's going on right now, like just two idiots bumping
their heads like nothing's gonna get done.
Everyone's like, oh, Biden's an idiot.
Okay, we have video proof of that.
The guy who's not in his right mind.
But this fucking guy is just a patty.
You know what I mean?
He's a puppet.
He doesn't do much.
I mean, look at him.
I just wonder whose hand is actually up his ass working him.
That's the part.
Who is actually calling the shots?
What do you mean, who's calling the shots?
I just wonder who they are.
I wonder who those fucking few people are.
The guy's almost senile.
No, I know.
I wonder who the fuck is the ones in charge.
You know what I mean?
If you asked all these people, like, do you trust this guy?
Do you trust you don't even know, like, do you, there's nothing?
I'm sure nobody would.
Well, it's your job.
That's the thing.
Who the fuck wants to be president?
What a horrible job.
Yeah, it's fucked.
Yeah.
Larry Alder wants to be president.
Is that who he is, right, Frank?
I don't know who that is.
That's pretty cool.
Afro man's running for president.
Is he really?
Yeah.
I'll vote for Afro man.
Fuck.
It's a woman beater.
Huh?
Didn't he point to that?
No, she jumped on stage.
Yeah, and he fucking cocked her.
Yeah, she assaulted him.
She didn't assault him.
What if she had a knife on her?
Uh-uh.
What if she did?
Oh, oh, I see.
Dude, you gotta fucking, okay, so here, well, now, okay, you want to, wait, wait, wait,
I got something crazy for you.
Listen to this.
All right.
So this happened in Texas.
This is a crazy fucking story, man.
So the suspiring model, 22 years old, loses, Jesus man.
Did you hear that, man?
And she doesn't listen to this bullshit.
She loses all four of her limbs.
Oh, the picture you showed me?
After contracting Legionnaires' disease.
Oh.
From a mist machine at a concert.
Holy fuck.
Isn't that crazy?
Holy fuck.
So she fell into a coma for 16 days.
Wow.
She fucking wakes up, all of her limbs were black, and the blood wasn't circulating properly,
because what happened is they hooked her up to these machines, and it diverts your blood
flow to your organs rather than your extremities.
Keep you alive.
Yeah, well, yeah, because she was just fucking crushed in shit, man.
Fuck, dude.
Dude, so she fucking had both of her legs taken off below the knees.
God bless it.
What was the band?
I don't know.
They didn't say, man.
Ah, fuck.
What a lawsuit, though.
You know?
Yeah.
You got to lose all four limbs.
I mean, I don't know how much that's going to happen.
That's what happened with Frank's first garage band.
Everyone caught Legionnaires' disease off the air conditioner.
So then fucking, what do you call it?
Then she had to have a right arm amputated.
Fuck, man.
Two weeks after the legs, and then the left arm below the elbow.
Damn.
Isn't that fucking crazy, dude?
The thing is that nobody else got it, though.
And she's a fucking supermodel.
She was.
I mean, no, she's somebody's kickball.
Fuck.
Well, remember that one chick you showed me the picture of her?
She was looking with her arms and legs.
Yeah.
I mean, amputees are called nuggets, amputee porn.
I told you about that one chick in Minneapolis with the missing leg, right?
No.
We were playing that show in Minneapolis.
Ah, man, I wanted to fuck her so bad.
But what happened?
She couldn't run away, obviously.
Nah, she turned me down politely and befriended me, and what she did, she was real nice.
She let me buy my own bottle of vodka at the liquor store.
I did her fucking prosthetic leg.
Nah, and she was giving it to me at the bar.
She said, I can't let you drink for free, really, and everyone see it, but I can fucking
pretend you're.
And so she was still cool to me, but, and we were the band, too, so she had to put up
with me.
Hey, right.
She was cute.
Check everything?
Is the timer's going?
Yeah.
All right.
Let's shift gears, though.
I want to hear.
Yeah, let's go for it.
Did you tell him about our DRI?
Pirates, yes.
Yeah, we talked about it, yeah.
About our experience.
Yeah, we talked about it.
Let's talk about it.
Looked in from your view.
Nice Saturday night, right?
Yeah.
DRI fucking, you know, shout out.
They're still fucking...
Great concert.
Oh, man, it was awesome.
Great sound.
40 years later, they're still mashing.
Yes.
I pick up Joe.
It's a Saturday, like, I don't know, five o'clock.
Larry.
And we had downtown pregame a little.
A couple cold pops, you know, a couple little doobish.
Pregame in with Larry.
So then we get down there, right?
We're downtown.
Oh, I forgot.
I have no desire to go down there.
The Vic, right?
Wasn't it?
No, it was Reggie's.
Reggie's.
Cool place.
Great place.
Anyways, we get down there early, right?
Yeah.
Trying to find a place to park.
Camp park nowhere, right?
Right.
Find a spot.
Yeah.
Four blocks away.
And I'm like, fuck it, let's just go here.
Because it was kind of nice out.
Yeah.
First.
Four blocks ain't that bad.
I mean, shit.
City blocks.
Yeah, it's not.
So anyways, it's one of the fucking meters, right?
No.
Shit.
We got no fucking change.
Credit card.
No, whatever.
All I got is cash.
I don't know what he had.
So then we find this spot.
I already got to take it.
Right.
Like, I'm on the curb.
And then he goes to this bank, right?
There was a bank on the street.
We're like, it was like, go to your bank.
It was like a three hour limit.
We had to get like $50 and quarters.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
And they're closed.
Right.
So he's on his way back, right?
And I see a cop coming with his four ways on.
So he's looking.
He's like three cars behind me.
So I'm like, fuck it, let's get out of here.
So then we just started coming around again.
We're super early.
Yeah.
All of a sudden I turned on this alley, right?
Tight as shit.
And I'm like, bro.
I said turn there.
I knew we were gonna have a play.
We had the overpass, like the L's.
And man, this fucking alley is like cars, double parked.
Oh, yeah.
It was as tight as it is.
You had to do like a three point turn.
So like.
And not only that.
So the listeners know Frank's got a big motherfucking truck.
But if the four.
So yeah, it's a big fucking thing.
America.
Not made for L's.
So we're like, and then all of a sudden I'm like, holy shit.
I'm like, we're at the fucking back door.
Sure.
We're at Reggie's.
So I'm like, you guys want to do Larry's favorite hangout?
All right, let's back in.
Yeah.
We back in, we grab a spot.
The back door.
And we're sitting there and I'm like, hey, right.
I'm like, what do you think?
I'm like, score.
Titsamiggy.
Well, here's the funniest thing.
So now we're sitting there.
Here's the thing.
I said to Frank, I go, this is cool.
And he was like only one beer in.
He's like, I don't know.
I'm scared because there's no, you know, towed, pros.
No, we looked right in front of us.
It said tow like two hundred and sixteen bucks or something.
All that shit.
Yeah.
I look at him and I go later Frank.
It's like, let's roll the dice.
I'm feeling like I'm like, I'm like, I'm doing.
He goes, I go, you know what?
I'm not going to fucking drive around anymore.
Yeah.
We got a good spot.
You got to like, you got to look like you belong there.
Like we've seen the employees coming out.
If we wouldn't went up to him and be like, Hey, is it cool?
They probably would told us to beat it.
Then we might have shut off us.
And I'm like, we were like way early.
So I'm like, we were just party and drinking beer.
Fuck it.
When the cops did come back and then yeah, we got the windows down and we're rocking
out.
He's got the fucking under cover cop combs and he's got like six, seven empty fucking
gear.
Right in front of my fucking with me.
Dude, I go, I put the windows up.
I'm like, Oh, what do we do?
And he goes, dude, I got a good vibe, man.
He's not, he's not going to bust us.
Remember he snuck by that wall.
Yeah.
And he went in that lot of cars.
Oh, it was so tight.
It was driving, driving.
Driving.
He got out of the car.
He almost hit the front of my truck.
There's nothing.
He had to back up and then he went.
I'm the worst one to cop behind you, man.
And you're doing so.
We're sitting there.
I'm like, I'm going.
I'm going.
We can't get out of the car.
You nuts.
We got to roll the windows up.
We're sitting there.
Yeah.
Right.
So then we're like, black star.
We're VIP.
I jumped out and threw the shit in the garbage.
I said, I'm not scared.
Yeah.
There was a fucking dumpster five feet away.
It was.
Yeah.
But the sign said tow.
Yeah.
And then I go like this to him.
I go, man, fuck it.
I'm rolling the bones, dude.
I don't think we're going to get.
He goes like this.
I go, how are we going to get home?
He goes, Mary.
Then I listen to your episodes.
I'm thinking, oh my God.
It would have took us a day to get home.
You guys just saved her a hitchhike.
I was willing to pay the 200 bucks.
Honest to God.
I told him, we could park illegally somewhere and I'll split the parking ticket with you,
but I'm not going to split the fucking tow.
I don't want to pay for that.
Dude, we've seen four bands for 20 bucks.
I'm willing to take a $200 hit on a 20.
Oh, by the way, happy birthday Iggy Pop.
Happy birthday, Auntie Pat in Heaven.
Happy birthday.
It's all right, P.A. Pat.
All right, P. Pat.
Happy birthday, Havad.
Today's Iggy's birthday.
Yesterday was 420.
Nice.
And we saw four bands for 20 bucks.
Continuation of 420, baby.
It's always a continuation of 420.
Yeah, well, we're still smoking weed.
It was a good show, man.
It was fucking great, dude.
Yeah, the sound was amazing.
It was amazing.
We got there at like 6.
We didn't get out till, what, fucking 1.32?
Yeah.
So long.
And then, all right, then we leave, right?
We rock out and have a good time.
White cast.
There's a black...
So there's a gravel lot and there's a white castle.
Yeah, Larry.
We got to go.
Here's the best spot.
Because I'm like, Jean and Jude's are going to be closed by the time I drive home.
It's two in the morning already.
Yeah.
So we were like college though.
We could see white cast and we could easily walk there.
And we drove around the block, drove through the parking lot.
And then, after we fucked up and passed all our opportunities, he did some kind of crazy
backwards move on the street through the drive-through backwards with this big fucking truck and
parked it in some weird spot.
And then we went in.
So we go in there, right?
Dude, we could have walked.
Yeah, the car was right there.
The car was right there.
Needles.
We were in the morning.
All right?
We're fucking hammered, right?
When the cop...
Oh, I forgot this part.
When the cop almost hit my truck, when he pulled in front of me, I look over.
We got...
I'm not saying, hey, drink and drive, but we had some pops in the car.
I look over and this guy's got a sucret...
Dude, he's got a sucret box.
Well, like 15 doobies in there to start to telephone poles.
And I was like, what the fuck?
That's not a good spot to be.
So we go to White Castle, we walk in and we're like just like super munchies, you know?
Yeah.
Walk in.
It was dude.
The best White Castle ever had.
I ordered like $50 worth of food.
You could feed a family of 10 on the South Side.
What'd he ate?
Dude, we had these 60 ounce chocolate shakes that were so thick.
I couldn't even drink it.
It was like, I'm like, he had fucking chocolate.
Hey, cheese.
Dude, the shit was just...
Look how furry I am.
Yeah, the listeners at home, Frank is a two foot beard.
He's got a GZ Top here.
He's a building here.
He's been sitting here.
He's got a top, man.
And then we're sitting there, we shout out, we got onion rings, chocolate chips, slider
eyes.
Guys, dude, I haven't had White guys in 20 years.
They fucking ate double fucking cheeseburgers.
Yeah, I went ape shit.
You're gonna eat fucking go to White Castle, you go to White Castle.
Me and him are the only...
You can't fucking...
We're the only two White guys in there, right?
Yeah.
We don't care.
I didn't feel we're eating everything.
And then we're packing up and I'm like, we're getting ready to leave.
We've got a shit ton left.
So we're bagging it up.
Just bringing it home for Mary.
And then these kids come in and I don't know how he was gonna react because I was like,
he kind of looked like he might have snapped and I'm like, all right, I got your back,
man.
Who snapped?
Me?
I thought you might have.
I knew you might have.
No, these kids came up.
You know, pants hanging down on the...
There you go.
No.
There you go.
No, but no, I'm not saying...
No, I thought you were gonna snap and like fucking...
He grabbed on a frank hand.
The kid came up.
The kid comes up and he kind of was like, hey, man, looking for a handout and then like,
Larry looked up at him like, I'm like, oh, he's gonna fucking lose it.
But then he's like, hey, man, you know what?
There you go.
He hands him the bag.
Right.
But the kid wasn't that grateful.
It was like, no, he was a little ungrateful.
And then he took it.
He went on the side with his buddy, ripped the bag open like a raccoon started eating.
Yeah, it's a thing.
They want money.
That's what they want.
Well, no, no, he came up and said, you think I can get a hamburger?
Yeah.
And I said, here, dude, I'll give you a bubble cheese burger, ham, cheese, onion rings, fried.
We had everything, man.
And an empty cup for him to get a fucking cup.
Crazy.
The kid was like, dude, 50 bucks at White Castle and he gets you a line.
Yeah, I can't believe you gotta really fucking go crazy to spend 50 bucks there.
Fast food is expensive now.
Everything's expensive.
It's way more expensive than it used to be.
Like fuck that.
They were showing in New York like a meal for New York.
It's like 20 bucks.
Well, Stony was telling me he takes his two kids to fucking McDonald's.
It's like 30 bucks.
Yeah, fucking crazy.
And this stuff is horrible for you.
Yeah.
Fuck Joe Biden.
What's that?
Fuck Joe Biden.
What does he have to do with McDonald's prices?
He's to do with prices, period, man.
Doesn't?
Ah, what are you talking about?
Supply and demand and availability of products.
So you're gonna fall for the bullshit?
Of what?
Elaborate.
What kind of bullshit, Larry?
I mean, there is a direct correlation between what the White House does and the prices stuff.
But the companies that make this shit dictate the prices, though.
If gas goes off.
It costs the fuel.
If fuel goes off.
Strictly because it's motherfucking to arrange in the work.
Okay, yes, I understand that.
But it all comes down to certain things.
He makes it crazy.
He makes them jump through fucking hoops.
And, you know, meanwhile, he'll hand out, you know, all the contracts to other countries
that are doing it as sloppy as can be fucking fucking up the environment like crazy.
And it's still the same earth.
It might not be happening right here in Texas or whatever, but it's fucking happening.
It's all still the same planet, you know.
It's just a bunch of bullshit.
If we're not buying fucking oil or not making it where we get it from, you know, that's what it is.
And he goes like a pussy, bagging on his fucking knees.
But I'm gonna tell you, he's so stupid that I don't, he doesn't understand what's going on.
There's so many backdoor deals and what to do.
I know, I know.
And I mean, the atrocities are committed.
That's why they hated Trump because he wasn't fucking gonna be told to.
Well, he was a businessman and he had it all there and he was a Republican.
That's why they hated Trump.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Had none to do with being a Republican.
They liked Mitch McConnell because he's a fucking cunt.
They could push him around.
Well, there you go.
They couldn't push Trump around.
It was because he was, none to do with Republican or Democrat.
Yes, it was.
Had to do with being an outsider.
Well, that's old.
He was an outsider.
Yeah.
He's been, dude.
How is he an outsider?
Because he's not part of the machine, he's not on the take like these fucking assholes
are.
That's why there's a reason they all fucking hate him.
Here's the thing, if they all hate him and they say he's bad, he's gotta be good.
You know, that's just what I think.
They lied to us about everything.
Why would they fucking, why would they be right about Donald Trump being bad?
What's so fucking bad about him?
They looked up his asshole with a fucking microscope and they never found anything wrong
with the guy.
Oh, I mean, besides Stormy Daniels.
Which is amazing.
Come on, man.
This is a big fucking deal.
Who cares?
I mean, this guy banged a porn star and he's a president.
Dude, it was 17 years ago.
No, but I'm just saying, I'm not saying there's anything wrong.
I think it's awesome.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but as usual, dude, three people can keep a secret, Larry, if two of them are dead.
Right.
So following the Clintons, they take everybody out.
Right.
They got no problems.
No secrets there.
No.
I mean, this guy's diddling fucking.
All right, so rumor has it, you guys are like an arguing fucking.
Okay, let's hear it, Frank.
No, rumor has it you like cats.
Yeah.
I like pussy too.
Meow.
But not that guy.
So I got a story I want to share with you.
Okay.
All right.
I want to get this off of you.
Excuse me.
So growing up as a teenager, right, my mom loved cats.
She had three cats.
She had Marilyn, Mitzi and Jezebel.
I love it.
Marilyn.
No, she had a she.
They all had their own room because they didn't get along.
Each cat.
I'm not trying to bore you, but no, no, no, no.
We're not boring.
Each cat has its own room.
So because this is my cat story experience, right?
I want to hear it.
So growing up as a teenager, my mom had these cats and treated them like gold, like children.
That's what I do too.
I mean, they had carte blanche, rich Carleton life.
They all had their own bedroom.
They all had their own domain, but they couldn't get together.
They'd fight, you know.
So Mitzi was like the top dog.
She was just like a big, fat, white snowball.
Belly hitting the ground.
I gave them all bong hits.
I got all of them stoned at one time or another.
But Mitzi, when she used to get stoned, she would like, she liked her.
And I'm like, what the fuck?
It was like she was in heat or something.
Well, it was like low maintenance.
Jezebel was fucking demonic.
This cat, that's because of the name.
Yeah, and listen.
Wasn't she a whore in the first place?
I used to come home and this cat would be hanging upside down on curtain rods in the kitchen.
And I'm like, am I that fucking high?
What is he doing?
You know, what is she doing?
I'm like doing yoga, stretching out.
You're a fucking cat.
It's not normal to be aamir.
Like if she went to cat school, cat school.
She's driving a short bus wearing a football helmet.
You know what I mean?
She ain't right.
There's something wrong with her.
She's off, man.
She would like get this like, she would like fucking run and then like just jump like she's like shadows and shit.
Well, you know, I used to get high and I would take the flashlight and I'm like,
Yeah, make a wrap for them in the fucking wall.
I'm like, all right, after two times you'd be like, this ain't fun, you know?
I just sit there, you know, shine a flashlight and she, wow, wow, I do it for a half hour.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, you never done that?
Well, I done it with the laser, but the cat didn't fucking slam against the wall.
It's a friend man layer.
20 rated his stomach in the can, Jones.
So I come home one night, right?
I'm out boozing with my buddies and it's like five in the morning or whatever.
And Mary knows where I lived.
I had like maybe shit.
There were like 20 something stairs you had to walk up.
Oh my God.
And I fell down a multiple times.
Yeah, I was an amateur.
So, you ever hurt yourself bad?
Oh yeah.
You fucking break anything?
Never broke nothing.
But it hurt.
Yeah.
But you remember just waking up at the bottom of this.
So I'm like, I'm just thinking about, you know, it's like five in the morning.
I'm like, I just want to go home and like kill a box of Captain Crunch, not a bowl of box.
Like, yeah.
The munchies when you're a teenager just seem more intense than when you're older.
I mean, I still get them, but when you're a teenager, maybe you're growing.
The munchies were like, oh yeah.
I don't have them like I did back when I was a teenager.
Yeah.
So I'm like, come home high looking for fucking anything.
Come up the stairs, right?
Huge elevator.
I come up the stairs like five in the morning.
I'm like, oh, I'm just going to fuck up some Captain Crunch going to pass out.
And I come in and the sink was right by the front door.
And I'm standing there and I go to grab a bowl, right?
And I see the fucking, I see Jezebel just hanging upside down.
I'm like, what the fuck, man?
And you don't bite the hand to feed you.
Like I was cool under this cat, you know what I mean?
So I'm sitting there and I go to get a bowl and I hear this fucking.
And I'm like, what the fuck do the thing like a mountain lion just like your cat attached.
It jumped, landed on my chest.
Okay.
Holy shit.
I got a furry chest, man.
Like I got a lot of hair.
And it's like using my chest as like a scratching post.
Like it's open in a bag of Doritos or something.
I'm like, what's a cat?
Like eight pounds.
I'm like, crap.
My mind wakes up.
She's crying.
I'm like, what the fuck's going on?
Pointy.
Dude, I had this thing on my chest.
It would not let go.
Like a pin.
And I try to pull it.
Finally, I'm like, man, let go.
My mom's like defending the cat.
I'm like, I'm getting assaulted here, man.
What the fuck?
And I got a shirt off with the cat.
I got all these fucking nail marks and I'm like like scissors.
And I'm like, finally I grab it.
I'm like, would you whip it?
Huh?
Did you whip it?
Oh, dude, whip it.
Like last play of the game, no time left.
Hell, Mary.
I threw this thing as hard and as far as I could.
It was like Tom and Jerry just splat and hit the wall, like 10 feet.
Oh my God.
And I used to play ball.
I could throw a baseball.
What are you going to do?
And it just like hit the wall and just fell and it like shimmied like once.
And I'm like, oh fuck.
And my mom's running over there.
You know, crying.
She's like attending it.
And I'm over here.
I'm just bleeding like, dude, I got blood everywhere.
I'm missing chest hair.
I'm like, what the fuck's going on, man?
I just put in some shit.
And what happened to the cat?
So, oh, I don't know until this day.
I mean, did you go back?
I mean, she didn't kill the cat.
No, it's not.
Let's make that clear for you.
Take a fucking deep.
And had to take a look.
He got all fucking scratched up, man.
You're going to get a cat.
I don't trust cats.
I don't like them.
When I was a kid, my grandmother's landlord had a cat and they lived in this apartment
and I fuck with the cat all the time.
This big fat orange tabby.
One day, you know, my mom would always be making me carry shit into my grandmother's.
So I got two shopping bags, you know, with the handles, one in each hand.
And fucking the little cat is out.
Not a fat cat, not a little cat.
Out on the front stoop and he fucking sees his chance.
And the thing jumped up and went right in my face, man, except it didn't scratch the shit out of me or anything.
It just kind of let me know that I could.
And I fucking had a different respect for cats than that day.
I was like, damn, that fucking thing jumped back.
You're slipping.
That's what it did.
You saw your weakness.
That's like this dummy's cutting in your right now.
So I got another one.
My weekend wasn't over after getting assaulted by a cat.
Like, who?
Man, I've been in fights, man.
I've won some, I've lost some.
So it might have been like two days later, like Sunday.
That was a Friday or Sunday, whatever.
And same thing, you know, this party and shit come home.
And didn't have this encounter.
It wasn't expecting this, like, you know, the day before.
Right.
And these are true stories, man.
I'm not making a shit out of a lot of community.
I'm not like trying to, but these are like childhood memories.
Like, so.
Nah, he's telling the truth.
Once again, I got to walk up, you know, fucking 27 stairs or whatever.
But the bottom door, there's like, I used to have this, like, like a, like a barrel,
like a 55 gallon drum.
I had baseball bats, hockey sticks, you know, all kinds of shit in there, balls.
So I come home, I open the door, I start to take a couple of steps up and I hear this,
like, you know, just rough, like something move.
And I'm like, oh man, and I look and I'm like, I thought I was hearing something and I seen it.
And then I look and then dude, I see this possum.
Oh man.
I'm thinking, all right, man, I just got to go to the cat.
Now I got to deal with a fucking possum.
I got no experience with a possum.
And they're ugly, dude.
Oh my God.
He's like, for me to you, these are ugly.
They're so ugly.
Dude, he's like, for me to you.
Okay.
And we're like showdown.
And I'm looking at him.
I'm like, dude, fuck off.
So I've, no, it's just silence.
We're just staring at each other.
So I start reaching for the, I'm like, dude, I don't want to fuck you up, but I don't want you fucking me up.
Dude, he's like, looking at my calves, like, all you can eat buffet.
Nice, nice, nice.
You should get me to collect.
I'm thinking, if this thing comes at me, it's not like a dude, you can punch him in the jaw.
Yeah.
It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like a dog.
It's like, it's like a dog.
It's like a dog.
So I start to reach for a hockey stick, right?
Mm-hmm.
And I get it.
And I'm holding him like, be cool, dude.
You got to hand him up.
I want to go eat my Captain Crunch, man.
Yeah.
Always Captain Crunch.
Yeah.
Like, fuck, dude.
He's winding up the stairs, going to bed.
Like, I got to deal with a fucking kid.
Now I got to deal with a possum.
Yeah.
So, and they're ugly, man.
Yeah.
He's got them eyes.
He's looking at me, you know.
And I'm like, dude, don't fuck up.
Don't do the wrong thing, you know.
Right.
And then I'm starting to like, go like this.
And I'm starting to take a couple of steps.
And I'm like, now that I know he's there, you know, it kind of freaked me out.
Even if I get upstairs, I know he's down there.
Yeah, yeah.
He's still in the building.
So I go to take like two steps to go up the stairs.
And he fucking like, squealed.
He made this noise.
And then like, he started to come at me.
And I was like, oh, game on, dude.
I just fucking, I was hitting like a pinata, man.
I was just cracking it.
It was squealing, making all these noises.
I'm like, kind of people out there allegedly allegedly.
He killed this fucking guy.
No, to the state.
No.
And then I, dude, it was the craziest thing.
I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
So now I'm like, I got him in the corner.
I'm like, it's a rough weekend, man.
And I'm still not even recovered and healed.
Like I still had all these fucking blood marks.
I'm like, now I'm fighting a fucking possum.
Like, what the fuck, man?
They're all coming after him.
So then I, dude, I just kept hitting him
till like he wasn't moving anymore.
He wasn't dead.
They fucking pretend though.
So I picked, yeah, they do.
And they got, they got like that Armadillo fucking show.
Kind of like when they go into like protect mode.
So he wasn't moving.
I was like, dude, man, I'm sorry, man.
You did this to yourself.
Like, you hit the hockey stick.
Yeah. So I'm like, you got to go, bro.
So no, no, I picked them up with the blade.
And I like went in the alley, you know,
I went down like three houses and I just threw him
by the garden.
And I'm like, he probably fucking got up and walked away.
Yeah.
Well, but he took a beating, dude.
There was blood.
Like he was squealing like a pig.
The noises.
He made one time I shot a possum and I didn't kill it.
I fucking didn't hit it good enough.
I fucking it.
It was terrible.
But you shoot it with this rifle and fucking.
BB gun?
No, it was that air rifle.
Yeah, but it doesn't take BBs.
It's like these scenario little.
I know what you're talking about.
It's a BB gun.
Yeah, but no, there's sort of metal ones with the fucking.
Yeah, but this particular BB gun is it comes out
with the same speed as a fucking bullet.
So if you shot a person with it, you could kill them.
Yeah.
I don't know about that.
Do you want to test it?
No.
You don't want to get this motherfucker.
Why do I want to test it?
I don't know.
You're acting like, oh, no, that's nothing.
Dude, I don't want to kill somebody with this air rifle.
You're shooting the fucking temple needles.
Why would you do that?
That you're gonna end the show?
That's what you wanted to prove.
That's the point.
If I have to.
So then you kill me?
If I have to.
All right, get back to shooting your possum.
Yeah, let's hear about the possum.
No, you later.
You said you shot a possum.
Yeah, well, he just crawled off and it was real snowy and there was a blood trail.
Did you try to come?
I had to fucking go and shoot him again.
Did you really?
Yeah.
Did you finish your job?
Yeah.
But he suffered for a while, man.
He was combed out.
I had to put my shoes on and shit, you know what I mean?
I should have left that for you.
Because I was standing in the kitchen and he was eating the cat food.
How close were you?
Pretty fucking close, man.
Wow.
I fucking tried to hit him in the fucking neck.
I don't know.
I guess that was not the spot.
They're like, what's their purpose, man?
They're just like stupid.
Like some animals.
Like bugs.
Yeah, insects.
Like what the fuck is the...
Oh, man.
White-willed mosquitoes.
Like they're so annoying.
Yeah.
Like bees.
I guess the frogs got to eat shit.
Well, bees do the pollen, but I mean bats.
Some are just fucking bats.
Bats get their blood intake through eating mosquitoes.
I don't know.
Dude, their shit's really valuable.
The guano?
The guano.
The guano is fucking...
Yeah, the back guano.
It's crazy.
You can buy it at the grocery store.
Did you ever see the fucking...
Fertilized.
Yeah, they'll let them show you where they show the cave, where they actually get it from.
Yeah, literally, like 50 fucking foot-high pilot bats.
And they're like just pellets.
They look like little fucking renters.
They're fucking shoveling the shit up.
They fucking just take their compelts, put them in a coffee grinder, and they throw them.
You know what I mean?
They're fucking...
They make seabird guano, bat guano, fucking...
Needles like to put it on their sandwiches.
And I jerk off with it.
And make it into a cream.
All right, so how about this?
You guys talked about NASCAR, right?
A little bit.
Never.
No, I think...
No, maybe.
They talked about the...
No, Santa Claus.
I got an idea.
I might have been black top.
I got an idea, but I need help with it.
Like, pay-per-view...
Oh, I would watch this.
We did.
We said we'd throw a baby on the...
Please, Carl.
Tell me if you'd watch this.
Okay.
All right, so like NASCAR, it's just left turn, left turn, left turn, right?
180 miles an hour or whatever.
Yeah.
Driving sober is easy.
Get them fucking ways.
Yeah.
Dude, like a Monopoly game.
Hey.
So you start out...
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
No, you're holding me.
Yeah.
Listen to this.
Hear me out.
What you do is you start, right?
In order to get your keys to the car, you have to drink like two beers and like fucking
smoke a bowl or whatever it might be.
Or do a shot.
Yeah, yeah.
you gotta do like, you gotta rip two rails,
like have another, and just keep it progressing
to the last guy standing.
Dude, he's the best fucking driver.
Think about it.
Survival of the fittest.
Anybody could drive sober.
I wanna see a fucking kid titler from Tennessee
that's just, you can have the cars be like,
one could be Budweiser car,
and the guy is just fucking tanked on Budweiser.
One could be the weed car, one could be the Coke.
Well, you gotta keep doing things.
You're listening to yourself.
Here, listen, wait.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, I got even one better.
So after like five laps, then you gotta get out
and do like three, but you gotta like,
how long is this?
You gotta like do the thing where you want,
yeah, like a three-pack, like 24-hour-old,
and you just keep progressing it to see
who has the endurance to fucking get the, you know,
think about it.
What an insurance nightmare.
Hey, you sitin' on that, you can die driving sober.
You're so many laps.
Yeah, it works.
You gotta do a shot, you gotta do a bong hit.
You gotta do a fucking bang up or something.
Yeah, like the 15th hard core fucking race.
I would watch that.
I would too.
15th lap, you gotta rip two bong hits
and drink two beers to get in your car.
Right.
You can't get back in until you rip.
Yeah.
Dude, it'd be like a speed, you keep,
it would be fun, man.
It would be fun to watch.
To watch.
Hey, they say,
I would love to,
they could build cars, it'll be safe enough
to where these fuckers aren't getting killed.
Dude, it's like Sycamore.
I don't know about that.
It's not even about safety,
it's just about to look for a problem.
Remember Sycamore and a Crash Derby or whatever they had?
Yeah, dude, my dad used to put cars in there.
So what's the difference?
Yeah, everyone would fucking let them go.
They were drunk.
Driving those cars drunk.
I think they still had it.
I think I might even get into that.
I want to get contested.
I could fucking hammer it out, man.
I could throw some underground shit
that you'd have to start out first.
I don't think you're gonna have any sponsors to do it.
Dude, you've got a bunch of,
no, I don't care about sponsors.
You get a lot of dudes that would sign up.
Yeah, I mean, the criminality factor sounds.
But you gotta like, you know, you,
you just get everybody,
it's how they did it.
Please.
What was that for?
It's entertainment.
Oh yeah, it's like UFC.
Listen, now have you ever seen one of that power slap?
Have you ever seen the Russian guys?
Oh, that's fucking hilarious.
Dude, I watched Dude's drinking beer
and driving a crash.
Have you ever fucking,
have you ever seen them do MMA in a phone booth?
No.
They put two guys in a phone booth.
I'm being serious.
Holy fuck.
And then they do one in a car.
They're looking and fighting a car.
One guy starts in the back.
One guy starts in the front.
And they just start pounding the fuck out of each other.
It's like, it's like those dreams.
The fucking Ruskies, man.
Oh wow, Frank is the fucking best fucking guess
because he brought me Bud Light
and fucking Reese's peanut butter cups
and dark corn are good.
But sugar and treats for the sugar baby.
Hey, don't forget to mention a Bud Light.
And he brought a case of Bud Light.
He's like K&Es.
He brought Bud Light?
No, no, he didn't.
I was gonna say.
I don't really care.
I mean, booze is booze.
Who cares, man?
We're just talking shit.
No, I understand that.
I mean, we already talked about that.
Now, what were you saying just now, man?
About what?
Just the last thing you just said, man,
because I had some bad to that.
But if you don't remember, fuck it, it doesn't matter.
I don't even really know you guys that good either, you know?
No, no.
I don't, man.
It's cool.
I know.
I part with you a couple of times,
but I recently got to know him.
Yeah, Larry.
Here's the thing about,
if I didn't know Mary, I wouldn't know Larry.
Yeah, no.
No, really?
And here's the thing about,
and then I used to come by in the beginning
and I'd see this dude had all these axes on him.
I'm like, he looked my age and I'm like,
I got a good vibe on him.
I'm like, he seems like a good girl.
He's got a good aura.
And then one day Mary said that.
Is he that guy, aura?
And then one day I'm paying for the pizza and Mary's like,
oh, shit, that's Frank.
And I'm like, oh, you know this cat?
Coincidence.
Yeah.
Oh, did you see that?
Oh, yes.
Because it's a reason, man.
That was not a coincidence.
No, it's a reason.
It never happened.
It's a reason people meet people.
All Mary had to say was, I was like, is that guy cool?
She would tell me the fucking absolute truth
and she approved, so.
What did you do?
Yeah, Mary's married.
Yeah, and you know, Mary's got a good job.
Your lawyer's good people.
She's a good job.
Fuck my lawyer.
We can't go.
Yeah, I grew up with her, man.
And like a circle of friends, we made good times.
Hey, you ever heard of soaking?
Soaking?
Yeah.
Where's this going?
I was reading an article about it.
It's a funny history.
Mormons, Utah, can't have sex before marriage, right?
So they do this thing where a male,
and I watched a video of it too.
Well, you didn't watch an actual video, but.
Yeah, I saw.
I didn't see the penetration.
That's a guy in tradition.
Yeah, no, there was no nudity or anything.
But they were under the blankets
because they're Mormons, but they were still.
I know, but you just said you saw the video.
You gotta elaborate.
Dude, I saw what they were doing.
I saw how the action went down.
Just tell them, tell them.
You're watching, now that's what you're watching.
It's a Mormon soaking point.
Yeah.
That's how the preview.
Just tell them what it is.
You just brain.
So they do this thing called soaking, Frank,
and the man gets hard, and he inserts his penis in a woman,
and they just lay there, and they can't move.
Because they're not supposed to fuck.
They can't move, though.
So they can't.
Technically, they're not.
No friction.
Yeah, no, yeah.
There can't be any humping or anything like that.
So they call a friend.
No funny straightener ride.
They call a friend over, and they do this thing
called jump humping.
Oh, what the fuck is that?
So somebody, their friend, gets on the bed,
and jumps up and down while the guy's on the bed.
It's cheating, man.
I know.
They're seeing the kids doing it or something.
If you find a loophole.
20-year-old fucking Mormon kid.
Listen, this is what our future looks like.
This is what our future looks like.
I mean, it's more like kids.
But it's hilarious, isn't it?
It takes, they're having like a weird three-some.
And the one I saw was the fucking girl jumping out of the bed
was fucking hot.
And the girl was hot.
Shit.
Yeah, they were fucking Mormon.
They were fucking all good looking.
Mm-hmm.
I was like, shit, I fucking do soaking just to fucking
for the laugh of it.
I mean, you're pretty fucked.
I don't think they'd like that with a dude.
I think that's only females, Larry.
Whatever.
But that's hilarious.
Imagine if I, hey, Larry, can you come on over?
I want you to jump on it.
Get me off.
So what happens?
I would want it to be a girl jumping on the bed, though.
I want to be out by deck in a girl and hit the girl jumping
on the bed.
I know what it is.
That's what a guy that says it.
He's trying to fucking, it's not you doing any of this.
Missing form, us diversers.
Leave me out of your homosexuality.
I know fucking, well, I have so many, Larry.
Legation.
This fucking.
So I don't know where you grew up.
But when I hear you say like, what we say on our side of town
was when you call it like the pillow biters.
Yeah, pillow biters.
Now it's my pillow biters.
No, we used to call them fanoics.
Yeah, fanoics.
Yeah, we call them fanoics.
Yeah, tomato, tomato.
Just call them fanoics.
Larry's a fanok.
They're fucking.
We mis-stablished that.
We knew that.
That's just Italian.
Yeah.
Canuto, cacau.
Yeah, it's just like, what are you?
Yeah, what?
I'm just kicking some fucking Italian here.
We only know the curse words.
Yeah.
Oh, whatever.
Whatever's good for the mood.
I mean, the sauce monkey.
I'm half Italian and half Irish, so I know how to drink.
What's that?
I'm half Italian and half Irish, so I know how to drink.
So am I.
Yeah.
He just knows how to drink.
Oh, piss off.
No, Italians ought to eat.
I know.
That is a buzz food.
If I had a piss.
Yeah.
I'm sick of Italian.
No, but if you had a sushi.
No, you know my favorite shit is grand food.
See, I'm half Greek and half Italian.
Mm.
It's kind of.
I like a good sake sake sake, that's fine.
Actually, I'm not really Italian.
I'm fucking Sicilian.
Oh, so am I.
So am I.
Oh, man.
There you go.
We should all kiss.
You should suck my dick.
Oh, Jesus, Larry.
I want to go for a drink first.
We got three darkies for nows.
Three stooses.
We can't get right to the business.
Right now, you're going to treat me like a lady.
Shout out to our followers, our seven followers, and.
Wow, hopefully we get to five.
Shout out to Matthew, our lord, and shout out to Ross.
No, we didn't, man.
Did we really?
Did we fucking shout out Ross?
Damn, Larry.
I don't recall that.
He's fucking crazy.
Larry's losing it again, folks.
No, I'm not losing it.
When you hear this episode, you'll see that you are.
I just started a company credit card.
I took life insurance out on Larry.
Fuck you.
This guy's gaslighting me, frankly.
I'm totally.
So what's your fucking baseball story or some shit?
We mean something good.
You got something.
It's your notebook.
You don't got any more shit going on in there?
No, I'm talking about Frank playing baseball.
Nah, that's boring.
All right, that's boring, he says.
OK, well.
It's a major league pitcher for the.
I'm going on a year anniversary of not gambling.
That's good.
Oh, awesome.
You know what?
Dude, really?
Yeah.
You know what?
That's the only addiction I don't have.
Like, I never understood it, man.
I really don't understand it.
Like, I don't understand being addicted to shit,
but like, I just I've gone to the boat and shit like that.
And I just can't do it.
I've been to Vegas.
It's like, I lose all my bucks.
No, it's a needle, man.
It's like it's smoking a devil.
What'd you gamble on?
Mostly sports and like anything.
Football, baseball, not mostly.
Yeah, baseball.
Yeah.
What would you would you have a favorite?
Like, no, that's dude, it's a roller coaster.
You never.
Oh, yeah.
You never.
Man, I did.
Oh, yeah.
Just chasing the high PA.
But that's the thing.
You know what?
You're just chasing your tail, man.
Well, yeah.
The first one is basketball.
And you're not on your own team while you're playing.
And then you get to the point where, you know what?
It's like you just get tired of being the nail, not the hammer.
Yeah, yeah.
Definitely.
No matter.
You just also make that.
At the end of the day, why do you think
they keep building casinos in Vegas, dude?
Right.
You're not going to beat the house.
No.
Trust me.
I went on some runs, man.
Dude, Jim.
Oh, yeah.
It's tough to be the tape.
Well, did you just sport?
But you just played roulette?
No.
I mean, yeah.
I play cards.
You play poker?
I play poker.
Blackjack?
Your main thing.
No, I like poker.
Yeah, blackjack.
But mostly sports.
Sports is where, yeah.
It makes it more interesting.
That's where your interests lie.
Well, but it makes it more interesting also.
You know what I mean?
Like, I won't watch football.
But if I put money on the game, then I'm going to be on the game.
You're just with sports that takes a certain amount of calculation
and no acknowledge of the team.
Well, see, you get what I like about it is,
if you think about it, you got a 50-50 chance.
You got a favorite of obviously.
Right.
But there's two teams.
One's going to win, one's going to lose.
Definitely.
Now, I'm guilty of playing those fucking stupid machines, too.
And those are dumb, too.
Which one?
The poker machines?
And they're everywhere.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, yeah, I'm guilty of those, too.
Dude, there's no, I'm getting the gas station.
I'm fucking monkey.
You just hit a button.
I go to the gas station and there's fucking stories.
Addicted to fucking the fucking game.
You're gambling.
You're nine people gambling at like six in the morning.
When I go to the gas station.
Oh, wow.
Ching, ching, ching.
You know, it's like fucking.
Those things are retarded, dude.
They just take money.
Yeah.
I don't remember.
And that's the thing, too.
Like one of my friends, this guy, Nick, shout out, Nick.
He fucking, you know, he likes to drink and fucking play
those games.
And what happens is they let you win just enough
to keep you hooked on it.
They give you a nice big payout once in a while,
and you're still going to fucking feed all your money
and do it anyway.
It doesn't even fucking matter.
I had so many bad beats, man.
Oh my god.
I can't even, I mean.
You remember the loss of the win?
Like if it was raining fucking vaginas,
I get hit with a dick, dude.
Yeah.
If I bought a cemetery, everybody stopped dying.
No joke.
I mean, like the worst hockey games, like 0.03.
You know, I mean, I could, man, it's just crazy.
But it is a, yeah, it's a drug, man, for sure.
It's dopamine.
It's a rush.
And when you, I mean, you can, there are,
it's like, you have to be disciplined.
If you can be really disciplined, you can make money.
But you just can't get, how many games are in football?
You're 17, 17 weeks.
They do 60-hours.
Yeah, I have no idea.
If you bet one game every week, there's
a chance you could go 11 and 5.
You know what I mean?
Or 12 and 4.
I mean, if you take these bats and shit,
what if you want to make money?
10 and 10.
But if you want to make money.
Just for shit, you know what I mean?
Just to throw a dart out there to like, you know,
here's 100 bucks.
You know what I mean?
But the gambler putting $1,000 bets on, you know,
what the first quarter.
You're just going on there fucking.
What was the biggest fucking, most of the biggest
words, bro?
Oh, I don't, I don't.
You know you want to talk about it,
makes you sick to this day?
Come on.
OK.
I've loved guitars in the past that still make me sick
to this day.
So I know the feeling.
I know what it's like, man.
And the double dick ain't no easier, man.
The thing is, you can gamble on your phone.
Dude, I fucking smoke.
Smoked there like five years, dude.
So did I.
Hey, Larry, you know, you can gamble right from your phone.
You don't even have to go to the hotel.
You know what I mean?
I know.
Oh, yeah.
You can sit at home and gamble.
But what's worse is now they got live betting.
So that makes it even more crazy.
Dude, it's like Wild West.
You could just, because when you bet a game,
you used to lock in and just, that's it.
You were done.
You couldn't jump in the middle of a game.
Now you can?
Oh, yeah.
Dude, there's odds after like a first goal of a hockey game.
And so you can jump in.
Dude, it's like stock market.
It just goes like this.
Oh, my god.
By the odds.
Now you can gamble crazy.
So here, the other night.
The boogie's really, it's got to be a computer.
Oh, well, you're just shooting at a fucking moving screen.
You can keep that track of that shit.
You're shooting at a moving screen.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Crazy.
Yeah, the other night I looked up at a game and it was,
the Kings and I was LA and Edmonton.
And LA was down three to one.
And like me being a degenerate, I would have been like,
I would have jumped in on LA to come back.
Because the odds were, and I asked my buddy the next day,
I go, I just looked at it.
I go, I would have threw, you know.
And he goes, oh, they were fucking 11 to one.
And they ended up winning the game.
So that's some fucking good odds.
You would have had to.
11 to one.
Shit.
That's crazy.
But you could, we call it a dime.
So now you feel, do you feel like you miss that bet?
Like a nickel, like our lingo, like boogie's, like a nickel,
a dollar is 100.
Yeah.
Nickel is 500.
A dime is 1,000.
Yeah.
You know, there's terminology with the language.
Sure, sure.
You're not betting a dollar.
You don't want to get a phone call for a dollar.
Why'd you quit?
I don't know.
I know.
I knew a dollar was a hundo because you're not
going to call a fucking boogie and say,
I want to bet $1.
Oh, right.
You'd be like $4.
$4.
Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I mean, I had stunt-smart out of here in there.
I want to bet 10 dimes, Frank.
I want to bet 10 stags.
10 dimes?
That's 10 grand.
But then, you know what?
I got back in, and I picked up a guitar again.
I was like, fuck it.
And they had to find something else to do.
Oh, it's fun, man.
I like it.
I dig it.
Divert from.
Yeah, it was just hobby.
It got where it wasn't even gamble.
You go buy a guitar, and you take it home.
Well, but you got to fucking put that energy
toward something already.
You start over thinking.
Like, it's just like a mind.
You do so much for work.
It's soft.
You feel like you might not do one.
It's just exhausting after a while.
I mean, but if there's a game on, yeah,
I'm that kind of guy would be like, oh, I'll throw a hundred
bucks.
Yeah, you still want me just for shit.
So I can't.
You still watch all the games in shame.
No, I throw in my last hundo for maybe Coke or something.
Not for a fucking.
Not to gamble?
I'm going to gamble with my life, not fucking.
Well, it's twice as sweet to win it than earn it.
Yeah.
When somebody gives you an envelope,
and I've got some fag stags where rubber bands that
could have choked a horse.
Ah.
I mean, I'm not.
Fuck.
But I scored some big.
But back in the day, it was so good because I got to say,
I think brought us a big Frank.
Listen, Kit Kat's and Reese's peanut butter cups,
and they were in this fucking cooler, which makes him ice
cold and is so fucking good.
Let's put this back in there.
I wish back home.
So my neighborhood, there was a little mafia
so going on.
Where'd you grow up at?
Well, we're not supposed to stay location.
Oh, look at the hand if you want.
I want to rule this is no location.
Just give them the city.
It was close to Maywood.
OK, there you go.
That's fine.
That's perfect.
That's all I need.
All right.
But so you had a little congregation of people.
Books back in the day, and they're still, God bless them,
man.
Books are like reading books.
Oh, books.
Books.
Oh, OK.
So like, it's hard for them to go away.
Because they give you credit.
There's a different.
Right.
When you go to these casinos, you've got to put the money in.
They take a person.
They don't know.
The books take a percentage too.
But the books are good.
I'm for the books.
Like, there are these local guys taking a bunch of, actually,
you need to be the book.
Because the house never loses.
Right.
You've got to find 20 guys that when the money comes in,
all you're doing is transferring funds.
Everybody's coming up to you making a donation.
And then at the end of the game, you decide who gets it.
You're transferring it.
Yeah.
Here's the thing, though.
I knew a guy that was a bookie.
And sometimes there are those days
where all the games go fucking wrong for him.
Oh, yeah.
We all been there.
And he would be telling me, oh, man,
if these motherfuckers don't win, he'd be fucking pulling
his hair out, man.
Oh, I broke a TV.
It's not an easy ride.
Just beat the bookie.
Dude, I broke a TV.
Yeah, I'll chill.
I fucking I broke a TV.
He's eating the body.
He's a fucking Melloc.
He's a fucking big man.
Joe, I broke a TV in like 82 or 83
with a glass ashtray like this.
OK?
Shattered it.
Just smoke everywhere.
That's not good.
It was a whole thing.
I had to listen to this.
The team didn't do quite well.
The guy missed three field goals.
So listen, I was up pretty good with my guy, OK?
My book.
And I really had nothing to lose.
I still would have been in the positive.
So I told them, it was now you can remember back then,
it was off phone.
You had a call in there was no computers.
Yeah, fucking hell yeah.
You had to get a number.
You were identified as like, hey, this is 834.
You didn't have any names exchanged.
If there was any friction, they'd say call your agent.
It was like, you know, the legitimate paper.
If the feds came in, they threw it in the toilet.
They fucking flushed it.
You will know.
No, really?
The paper was dissolved.
Now, this is what Mary was telling me.
She knows the guy that defended that shit.
Well, I know a guy who got pinched,
but they were hiding his trees with binoculars.
Like, this shit's for real.
Yeah, no, it's heavy shit.
So anyways, I was up pretty good.
And I called my guy and he go, hey, man,
I want to do a 10 team parlay for $100.
Oh, tell me.
And I was up over.
Yeah, what's a 10 team parlay?
You got to go 10 and 0.
It's 300 to 1 odds.
All right, so I was ready to get all 10 teams.
You got to go 10 and 0.
10 teams to win.
You got to go 10 and 0.
You got to win.
10 and 0, no hiccup.
You got to sweep the board.
Holy fuck.
No, but I'm up over like five dimes.
So what's 100 bucks?
You know, I'm like Rockstar status, like 100 bucks ain't.
And he took it.
I was like, oh, I went fuck, dude.
If I lose, I'm still up almost $5,000.
You know?
OK, let it roll.
This is like the 90s.
I was working at the airport.
I was driving a truck.
And this is before, I don't even think ESPN was around yet.
They used to put the ticker at the bottom.
And CNN.
I'd be watching elephants.
And my wife would be like, what are you looking at?
I'm looking at scores at the bottom.
You know, it's like a ticker with all the.
So anyways, I didn't even want to go to work.
I had to work like 3 to 11 at the airport.
I didn't want to go.
And my buddy's calling me on a house phone on a landline.
My buddy Nick and he's like, dude, you're fucked.
I'm like, shut up.
You're pushing me.
I hung up on him.
So time I leave the work, I'm 8-0.
I got two games left.
Oh my god.
If I hit this, wait.
Huh?
Football?
College football.
Yes.
Holy fuck.
I'm 8-0.
I'm driving to the airport.
Right?
Go into work.
Well, if I hit that.
He didn't win yet.
No, I know.
That's 30 grand.
Yeah.
I went $30,000 on $100 bet.
Wow.
And I'm 8-0.
And I'm like freaking out, man.
Now I don't have the technology.
I can't listen to the game.
I can't get scores.
So you don't know what's going on.
No, no idea.
And now I have no phone.
I had a landline.
So I'm at work.
And I'm like, we have pay phones, I think.
That's how long ago.
It might even been longer than that.
So I shit the bed.
The next two games, one game I lost by a hook,
by half a point.
And the other game they got destroyed.
And then my guy called me and he goes, hey, listen.
That's 100 points.
We're not doing this again.
I go, I understand.
You've got to put 30 large out.
I'm putting out 100.
Here's 520s.
You've got to put out 30 large.
It's a suck bet.
You're going to scoop up my 100 like that.
But that would scare the fuck out of you.
Yeah.
I'm fucking 30 large.
You're thinking, oh shit.
What am I getting at?
It's $100?
Benjamin?
He's like, no, he ain't doing this no more.
I'm like, OK.
I was going to say, that fucking take you.
Did they ever get worked over?
How are you?
Oh, yeah.
But how often are you going to do that?
That's why the odds are 300.
Oh, yeah.
That's a big.
Yeah.
It's like.
You've been pistol whipped, man.
Give me a little bit more cooth about it, Larry.
Why?
This is the fucking.
Maybe I did some pistol whip.
Maybe.
Oh, yeah.
We don't want to incriminate anybody around here.
No, I'm fucking around, man.
You know what the problem is?
It's like what you were saying, the guy's
the loan you the money, then you got juice on it.
Yeah.
You keep gambling.
You know what happens with the mafia, like gambling,
is that it's when the Deb Beats don't pay up.
Well.
And then there's violence.
Yeah.
That's what I'm going to add.
If there's street corner guys and they go, hey, Mikey,
you want to come play with us?
You want to put 50 bucks on the bears?
We'll take your action.
They're not bad guys.
No.
They're not.
They get a bad reputation because then when guys,
like it's an honor system.
The one that's forced to be bad.
If you want to play with me with money,
if you're not an honor for them, they come down.
Yeah.
They do.
Yeah.
Like if you stiffed me four games in a row and I'd be like,
and you want to keep betting, I'd be like,
you know, where's my cash?
Yeah.
But at the same time, it's kind of, if you just.
This guy's already a gamble.
If you're on the up and he up.
Kind of taking advantage of them, right?
If you're on the up and he up, then there's no problem.
You're both getting your fix.
Yeah.
But then you're into someone.
And then you got to keep on doing it.
As long as you're cool.
You're not looking over your shoulder.
Just pay your debts.
They pay you.
They do.
I never had.
They make movies about guys who.
Never had an issue.
Always got paid.
Always paid.
Never.
But don't be a fucking shine box.
And then when it comes time you lost 2,000, you go,
I don't have the money.
Yeah.
Then that don't look good.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
How would you feel?
No, I know exactly.
You'd do me wrong.
If I'm putting out that sword and I'm paying you,
be a man, honor it.
And then you got Rocky and Vito come knocking at your door
going, hey, where's my five dimes?
Yeah.
And the biggest.
It's like drugs.
And the biggest still comes.
It's like, I said, I want my money for it.
The problem is, it's not like drugs,
because those fuckers come sooner.
No, no, no.
They come to find you.
Where's my money?
This is our first time talking to you.
When I come back, I'm going to come and see you in a different
way.
And you know what I mean?
Yeah.
No, but you know what they'll do first?
They will.
They're not at that ruthless.
They'll put you on a payment plan, but they're going to juice you.
Yeah, they're going to put the big on you.
They're going to juice you.
Yeah, they're going to hit it big time with the big.
For sure.
And that's understandable, though.
How can you?
I'm not trying to be excited.
No, no, not at all.
When I was a kid, my dad told me that.
But how is your whole fucking business
is getting these guys on the arm,
getting them on the juice, and fucking.
Then you got something on them.
Yeah, and then it's just payment coming in.
You don't care if the motherfucker ever pays them, pays it off.
As long as he keeps on paying on this.
Here, when you're a bookie, your what, dream
is when you get a Monday night game, say, Bears Packers, right?
And you get, there's like three scenarios that could happen.
If you're a book, and I got 100 players, right?
It's a Monday night, the only game in a week, Bears Packers.
You're going to get all this money fucking coming at you.
You're going to get 10,000 on the Packers, 6,000 on the Bears.
At the end of the day, you're just holding all that money.
Whatever the spread is, there's a couple of scenarios
that could happen, either.
Sure, Frank, we'll rob them.
Oh, yeah, you can.
And like split.
So when you split, if you get even money,
so he bets 100, right?
He's got a risk, 110 to 100, and so do you.
So the house keeps 10 bucks on every 100.
OK, you follow me?
Kabish?
So if you get even money distributed,
say you get like 15,000 and 14,000, like divide it,
all you're doing is taking all the loser's money,
paying the winners, putting 10 bucks in your pocket
on every 100.
Now, you could have another scenario
where you're going to get lopsided.
You're going to get all this money on one team.
You're either going to take it up your ass,
or you're going to clean house.
There's no money.
There is no.
You know what I mean?
You follow?
All you're doing is playing with the people
that are coming up to you, putting money.
And you're playing with your broker.
You're just sitting there, being a buck.
I got 20 you guys, like you, Needles, 20 you guys.
So you're one guy's betting the bears,
one's betting the packers, one's betting the bears, one.
All I'm doing is sitting there with all this cash.
How often do you think it is?
Or everybody's betting that one fucking team.
Oh, dude, it's out of control right now.
You know what's funny about gambling?
You see all these ads now on TV and everywhere, right?
All these casinos, rivers, all this stuff.
After they run like three or four of them,
then you'll see an ad about, do you know somebody
would an addiction to gambling?
Oh, no.
It's like a Betty Ford after showing four beer commercials.
That's like putting a billboard about the dope spot, Larry.
Well, here's the funny thing.
He helped with your addiction.
Outside Mark's fucking hotel room was the fucking 290 East.
Fucking Expressway sign.
He's like, oh, man, it's like a sign calling me, Larry.
He's looking at his hotel room window.
He just looked right at it first thing in the morning.
It's like, it's so hard to not just get on the highway.
And I'm like, oh, man, God speed my brother.
I'm too old for that, which is hilarious.
All right, Larry, should we wrap it up then?
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for tuning in to the Larry and Needle show.
Thank you, Frank.
We really appreciate it, brother.
Hey, man.
The Larry and Needle show at Yahoo.org.com.
Larry and Needle show at Yahoo.com.
First 10 people are going to get 10 t-shirts.
God bless.
No, no.
Yeah.
The first 10 people are going to get one t-shirt each, not 10 t-shirts.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I meant, ass clone.
Yeah.
Thanks for tuning in.
All right.
I'll set up another round.
Yeah.
You want to go upstairs and chill for a minute?
I think Mary.
Yeah, Larry and Needle show.