Time to get ready for the Larry and Needles show.
Larry and Needles.
And, Larry and Needles.
Larry and Needles.
And, Larry and Needles.
Yeah, we're hot. All right.
Welcome to the Larry and Needles show. I'm Larry.
I'm Needles.
Yeah, and today we're doing this from the control room in the lab itself.
Now the control room in the lab?
In the lab, in the control room.
We're in the lab right now. This is where the magic happens.
Yeah, because...
It's not in the bedroom, it's in the lab.
Yeah, because I've been having some fucking technical difficulties.
We've had a lot of technical difficulties lately.
I think I drank too much last night.
And ate mushrooms.
And too many. I had probably 10 capsules and fucking...
I just... a few buttons didn't get pressed and...
Sounds like you had a rough night in bed.
Yeah.
And, you know...
And we had a really interesting guest, but we'll get her back.
We took 4 hours last night and we got 1 hour out of it.
Right.
We had... it was a shit show though, I shall say.
Yeah.
There was no rhyme or reason.
Everybody was just doing their own thing.
We had people coming up, people coming down, people coming sideways.
I mean, it was like a fucking gangbang.
We tried to gangbang your ears, but it didn't work out.
Right.
We'll see what happens today.
Hey.
How's it doing? How you doing, Larry?
Pretty good.
Okay. Larry wants to get into his shit.
Well, yeah. You know, I was looking at the internet today.
Oh, really? The WWW, a worldwide web?
Yeah.
Okay.
And I was looking at... they were showing parallels between Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy.
Okay. Well, elaborate.
It was pretty cool.
Well, elaborate on them.
There were 17 different things.
And the first one was Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
And Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
In between this next fact, did it say, do you want to beg MILF in your area?
Because I know you signed up for that.
It did.
Local MILF in your area.
Shit.
Yeah.
Next fact.
Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860, and Kennedy was elected president in 1960.
Okay.
Both were concerned with civil rights heavily.
Okay.
Both of their wives lost a child while they were in the White House.
All right.
Both were shot on a Friday.
And both of them were fucking shot in the head.
Okay. Well, I mean, John Wilkes Booth got close and personal.
Yeah.
I mean, they...
Well, you know, it could have been the driver that shot Kennedy.
But you know what happened?
He was pretty fucking close.
I don't know about that. That magic bullet doesn't come from...
If that magic bullet started in the driver's seat and went around behind it...
No, it fucking shot him in the front of the head.
That's why his brains were sprayed all over the truck.
Back into the left. Back into the left.
Remember that movie, fucking...
There's a brooder, fucking...
No, that does a brooder film.
Yeah.
You're in the grassy and old, just whacking your meat.
In the background.
Wrecking itself.
Kennedy's getting shot in the head.
You're destroying your shit in the fucking background.
I made up all week on Amphetamine.
How about this shit, man?
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy, and Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
No, that's a fucking crazy fact.
That is fucked up, right?
I mean, come on, really?
Yeah.
The parallels between them are...
Here's another fucking weird one, too.
I mean, you got 12 of them or 15, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Both of them were assassinated by Southerners, and both of them were succeeded by Southerners,
named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson replaced Lincoln, and Lyndon B. Johnson replaced Kennedy, and both of them
were also born in some numerical things, like Andrew Johnson was born in 1808, and LBJ was
born in 1908.
Damn, Larry, I am so proud of you that you did your homework like this.
This is amazing.
Yeah, check this out, too.
John Will Spooth.
Hit me, cat.
Yeah, John Will Spooth was born in 1839.
Okay.
Lee Harvey Oswald was born in 1939.
Do you think Lee Harvey Oswald did it by himself?
No, I think he was just a fucking patsy that they set up.
I don't even think he was involved.
Well, how many patsies were involved?
Oh, man.
I mean, Jack Ruby was a patsy.
They don't fucking care.
He was a street club guy, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
He was a fucking straight pimp.
We should do an episode on Jack Ruby.
Yeah, we should.
We're gonna start doing dirtbags of the nation.
Yeah, he's...
Like, just, like, low-level dirtbags.
But they gotta be cool.
Well, yeah, they do cool stuff.
We'll do cool dirtbags.
That's our next segment.
Nice.
Okay, next fact?
Well, both, obviously, both assassins were known by three names.
And here's the weird part, but both of their names are composed of 15 letters each.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Lincoln was shot in a theater named Ford.
Kennedy was shot in a car called Lincoln, made by Ford.
His favorite car ever, 1967.
I think it is Lincoln Continental Suicide Door with the Trot Top.
My friend Mark, Mark B.
Oh, my God, my neighbor had one of those, man.
Yeah, they're fucking dope.
It's a shagging wagon.
You could have a gang bag in there if you really wanted to.
You could open the trunk and fucking...
We'd fit like nine kids in the backseat.
Yeah, I bet you you would, Larry.
That mustache.
How many in the trunk?
How about this, though?
How about where's that joint?
Okay, how about this for convenience, though?
Oh, boy.
Booth and Aswald were both killed before the fucking trial, you know, so nobody could really find out the actual truth.
You know what happened with Booth?
He jumped out of the fucking...
He jumped out of the second story, I think, and broke his leg.
Yeah.
And then he found suicide.
Well, he jumped out of the balcony.
Was the balcony...
The theater.
I know, I think it was going...
No, he jumped from the balcony of the theater where he shot Lincoln.
I thought he was going towards the alley.
I think he went out the door out of the alley.
I was escaping.
But he ran away on a broken leg.
But then he found some sympathizers and he pulled up with them.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, keep going.
And you know what, Lincoln didn't die right away.
He was alive for like six days or something.
No shit.
Yeah.
Hey, hand me that glow-in-the-dark-ass shirt.
Yeah, no problem, kiddo.
Okay.
Next fact?
Yeah, this is...
This next one is a pretty good one.
This next one's a pretty good one.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
Okay.
And a week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Maryland, Monroe.
Oh.
Larry trying to sneak in funny.
No, but it's true.
I know.
Yeah, he was begging Marilyn Monroe.
Yeah.
And there's a huge scandal too that they all say that she was drugged and that...
Oh, yeah.
But she OD'd, but she did...
Who OD'd really bad?
I mean, you know, actual people did OD'd.
Well, it was a lot harder though, man, because they were taking pills.
I mean, I guess people would shoot up in Fetamines and shit, but...
Well, you had to be real dirtbagged.
They didn't have syringes back then.
You had to like get...
Really use some head-shape.
Well, they had syringes, but they were like a metal one.
It was harder to come by.
Yeah.
They had to have a key.
Big fucking horse needle on there.
You need a fucking brillo pad to clean the tip off every once in a while.
You don't want to get fucking...
You fucking get an SOS and clean the rust off it, motherfucker.
I was reading this thing about Judy Garland and...
Hey.
Oh, you're going to keep going.
Yeah, tell you Judy Garland thing.
I only got one more small fat.
Okay, that's fine.
So Judy Garland, she wrote her like this memoir, which is completely amazing.
I just read like snippets of it, you know, for idiots.
And they were talking about how they would drug them all day long, and then they would
pill them out at night to sleep.
Judy Garland.
They would speed during the day and then sleep...
Knock them out at night.
Her and Andy Rooney.
Keep those kids working.
Yeah, and that's what they did.
They were...
Build time for sleep children.
And then they were getting like sexually assaulted.
Oh, fuck.
And like all this crazy shit was like intertwined in this story.
Like, um...
Well, you know, the Hollywood shit, man.
Liz who?
What's her name?
Liz of...
Liz Fair?
No, not Liz Fair, you ass clown.
Liz...
What's Judy Garland's niece?
Liza Minnelli.
Liza Minnelli, yeah.
She is a funny ass bitch.
Dude, did you ever see her on...
I would love to see you say that to her face.
She slapped the dogs she had on you.
Did you ever see her on Arrested Development?
Oh, yeah, when she was with the fucking...
She was fucking funny.
Going out with the kid Buster.
With the guy's name with the buster.
Yeah.
What the fuck?
Oh, that was fucking funny.
Hell, yeah.
She was just a lunatic.
Yeah.
And that's her real life, though.
Yeah.
Like, they just captured her essence.
She just was her self-finding camera.
She's pretty cool for them to let them make fun of her like that.
Oh, but they're living their lives about.
Yeah.
If you can't take a fucking joke, then you know what?
You should just die.
Right, I agree.
Hey, and here's the last thing.
Number 15.
This is number 17, actually, but we weren't really counting them down.
No.
This pertains to the fact that you said about him walking in the theater.
How about this?
Lincoln was shot in the theater and the assassin ran to a warehouse.
The city was shot from a warehouse and the killer ran to a theater.
Hmm.
The book depository.
Yeah.
It's pretty crazy.
You know what?
Like we always say on this show, there's some things we're not meant to understand.
No.
There's some things that the government won't let us know.
Exactly.
And that's just how it is.
Are we the people that have to sift through this shit?
You know what I mean?
Like, they won't, they retract shit.
You get these documents, they're all black the fuck out.
It's like, you can't be honest with us.
We literally are taxpayers.
We're paying for the paper that that's written out.
They're blacking out.
And you're fucking using our marker to cover over.
Exactly.
I mean, how the fuck do we just keep taking it in the ass like this?
Yeah, it's fucking crazy.
I mean, and then look at this kid that just released all these documents.
And we should be fucking praising this kid.
We should be giving him a fucking medal.
I don't know about praising because he released this.
But he's uncovering how bad they are and that's why they don't like him.
If it was any, you know, usually in the old days, we would praise a whistleblower now.
But the thing is he didn't release it.
He only released it to like 25 people, I think.
Right.
It was on a discord.
So it wasn't like, what's her nuts?
In a gaming chat room.
Who's the lady that transitioned?
A gaming chat room.
Yeah, who's the lady that, Chelsea Manning.
Chelsea Manning fucking did a drop.
Like she dumped a bunch of shit.
She went to prison.
Oh yeah, Peyton Manning's brother.
And he went to Eli.
But these people, I mean, if you're, the government doesn't want us to know anything, right?
No, they don't.
I mean, the only thing that we need to know is what this cost, what that cost.
Here's your tax bill.
This is how much you're going to pay for it.
And if you don't want to pay for it, then fuck off.
Somebody else will.
Yeah.
That's the American dream.
You don't want to pay for it.
We'll put your ass in fucking jail.
Well, your taxes, yeah.
Yeah.
You can't fucking, taxes and death, right Larry?
That's right.
Two things that are going to get you.
That's right.
And you can't fucking, you can't take it.
Why is her car still here?
That's Nina's car.
Oh yeah.
Man, did we get fucked up last night?
No, man.
I don't know why you're fucking yelling this from the mountaintop.
I just, I'm not used to that shit, man.
You know, it's like a mini party.
Well, what does that mean?
It was almost, we did the same thing we always do.
I know there was just more people here and it seemed like, you know what the difference
was is I drank my ass off.
Well, it was just Jay and Nina were here.
Yeah.
Went in Rome.
We know some bad bitches.
Yeah, we do.
You know what I mean?
Like they're very off-putting.
If you don't know them, if you don't know them, let me tell you, Jay's a biter, or no,
Jay's a choker.
She's a choker and a thrower.
Yeah, she's a choker and a thrower, which I can see that.
She's throw your ass horizontal up against the wall.
She's got a good center of gravity in those hands.
Oh my God, she's got like a bricklayer's hands.
Yeah.
Looks like she's been fucking slinging fucking mortar for the last 20 years.
Yeah, she's been working.
That's for fucking sure.
Yeah, I know.
That's true.
And then fucking Nina on the other hand.
Lord of Mercy.
Yeah.
Well, we all can't be likeable.
Nina was fun last night, though, man.
She was pretty fun.
You just can't yell from the rafters all day long.
No, you guys will hear, I mean.
Either shit or get off the pot.
You guys will know what we're talking about when you hear the episode with Jay and you'll
hear somebody barking shit out in the background.
That's Nina.
Yeah.
She didn't have a microphone, although we had one for her.
She used one.
Right, she used the microphone.
She would rather sit in the corner and yell.
That goes a lot to say about Nina.
Love Nina, but she'd rather sit in the corner and yell.
Fuck yeah.
Oh, the story that they told about her, that she was sitting on the bench.
She lifted up her fucking hair and said, fuck you.
I don't talk to anybody that doesn't talk to me.
Yeah.
That's some crazy shit to say as an 11-year-old.
Yeah.
But.
I remember Nina in school.
She didn't talk at all.
You really, really had to be like alone with her and pull it out of her.
That's fine.
But yeah, she was cool.
Good luck to Steamboat.
Yeah.
Godspeed, Steamboat.
Godspeed, my friend.
Fucking Steamboat was crazy last night.
No, Steamboat was fine.
He rifled through the fucking Crown Royal bag, Mary was telling me.
What was in the Crown Royal bag?
It was not his bag.
It was someone else's.
It was his fucking jade.
All kinds of shit.
And there was jars in there.
Of jars of what?
You know, like weed and shit.
And he's opening each one.
She had pills?
I don't think she had pills, man.
She doesn't take pills.
I mean, I don't want any.
I was just asking.
Yeah, no.
You're just curious.
Yeah, you know, I'm in the curious George over here.
Right, the book about Crown Royal bag contents.
What's in that bottle?
Let me take a look.
Can I just cross-reference it on the internet?
Exactly.
That's the greatest thing about the internet, too.
Oh my God.
Isn't that fucking sick?
Yeah.
But now they're fucking...
See that book up there?
Look it.
This is what me and my wife used to use in the old days.
Yeah, the Bible.
The large fucking book with all the...
Yeah, the Pilferian Bible.
Yeah, with the glossy pictures.
Now you don't need the book.
You could take pictures.
I still keep it for fucking nostalgia's sake.
What's that?
The book.
To remind you of fucking...
Remind us all the pills we took.
I think you just have to look at your liver in a couple of years or behind you.
No, fuck.
That's all right, though.
You can always get a new liver.
I don't know about that.
Maybe they could put it on the outside of your body.
Because you're going to need another one soon.
Yeah, you can triple up.
I got three livers.
It's how rich I am.
Fuck, yeah.
I got three livers and a kidney.
You know you're fucking pimping with three livers.
Well, yeah, I mean...
One fucking filters the booze.
One filters the fucking dope.
Geez, you're like a cow now.
Yeah, eight stomachs.
One is...
You have designated fucking...
Like an octopus.
I got nine fucking brains.
Octopus is creeping me out.
Oh, man.
They really do, man.
They can get themselves out of a jar.
Yeah, I won't eat octopus anymore because they're just too fucking smart, man.
I don't feel right eating something that's fucking smarter than I am.
Well, I mean...
That is...
Oh, man.
I mean, so many jokes, Larry.
Come on, Larry.
Do you really just want to throw softballs right now?
No, but...
I'll hit them out of the park.
Those motherfuckers, not only can they get out of a jar...
I mean, I think a pack of rocks is smarter than you.
They can figure out a lot of other intricate puzzles.
I was watching the thing when they sleep in their sleep.
When they're sleeping, they still adapt to their surroundings.
Yeah?
So it's not even...
It's just like...
Listen to this.
I saw a show where an octopus that they had in a tank...
I want to get a submarine and you and I do a podcast in it.
That'd be amazing.
Like a two-man submarine.
Oh, yeah.
One of those ones that goes really fucking deep.
Or just clam bacon.
Fuck yeah, that's really clam bacon.
Listen, this octopus...
Who let you guys bring a bomb down there?
You're not supposed to light that bomb when we're pumping in oxygen.
Like a pvp.
Yeah, fuck yeah.
Who's getting hammered in the submarine.
The larian needle submarine.
No, man.
Okay, what were you going to say, Lar...
This octopus...
No, that's alright, man.
Fucking the octopus...
Literally was in the tank.
They have it in the lab.
The motherfucker waited for everyone to leave.
At night, snuck out of the tank, got into the fucking drain,
and got back to the ocean.
It smelled the ocean water through the fucking drain.
It's fucking creepy, dude.
Yeah, the thing was fucking very, very smart.
I think there was a movie about a guy who fell in love with an octopus.
Octopussy.
Well, that's not James Bond.
No, that's other movies.
Octopussy triple X version.
Oh, well, I mean, she had eight pussies.
No, this guy fucks an octopus.
It's very, very...
But you know, this guy falls in love with this octopus,
and he actually films all what's going on.
I think he bangs it.
Are you fucking kidding?
I don't know, I'm just speculating.
I was just joking.
I think he does, but no, I think this guy has Felicio.
Felicio is when you bang a dead head.
When you cut the head off and then you have sex with this,
you make a bled to your image.
Like fucking Edmund Kemper.
Yeah, that's why I learned that.
But yeah, I think this guy uses an octopus for special effects.
Shout out to Eddie Kemper.
Oh, right now we're calling out serial killers.
Hopefully this makes it to you when you're locked up.
Hey, shout out to our six fucking followers.
Oh, yeah.
We love you, motherfuckers.
Thank you very much.
Remember, tell your friends.
You must be some crazy motherfuckers.
Follow us.
Yeah, please tell your friends.
Review us.
Apple, Spotify, whatever.
Whatever, what knocks out there.
You know, you got to keep this machine rolling.
Larry is, you know what I mean?
Well, Larry's a sugar baby, so he doesn't need any cash.
But I can always use the extra cash.
I need cash.
Well, I know.
He wants to start that mobile fucking, what's that?
That mobile junk off.
Kissing booth.
Yeah.
Your mobile glory hole.
Man.
I think it's got to get your refrigerator back.
Get one of those little round fucking trailers.
You know, the real small one.
They could pull behind a car.
Yeah, he's going to do tricks in there.
Just a line of dudes in the big parking lot.
You can't stand up in there, but.
That's all right.
You just don't get to go.
I'm at the cash register.
Does they keep coming through, baby?
No, you know, when you're hot, you're hot.
Yeah, Larry needs a new fender.
A new Stratocaster.
Oh, fucking a home.
No, really, what I wouldn't do for fucking Gibson Firebird,
non-reverse anybody that's got one out there.
Yeah, I don't even know what that is, but okay.
It's a guitar.
I'll let you fucking air for that on the part.
Are you going to pay for it?
You just need to do sexual favors.
Whatever is clever.
Whatever they want.
If it's a man, you know.
It's a man.
I have to take money for it.
It's a man, baby.
You don't have to take one for the team.
I don't know.
Maybe I, maybe I have to let him tune your G string.
Oh, shout out, Matt.
Yeah, I'm real excited.
Me and needles were talking to our good buddy Matt down in Florida.
And he lives in Polka Raton.
And he used to be the drummer in my band and his nickname was Casual Matt,
because man, he didn't even have to put any effort forth.
He was so good.
And that's who gave me my nickname.
And he's the one that gave needles his nickname.
Tell that story, that's right.
So one, you know, me and needles would be getting all fucked up.
And he's like, you know, he would hang around me and would help me with my guitar
and help me with gigs and shit.
Amazing drummer.
And we'd go play some, you know, crazy punk rock places and we'd get fucking drunk together
and we'd be high together.
All right, there.
We got the gist of it.
Yeah.
And so Matt really didn't know needles' name yet.
I'm not going to say his real name.
He didn't know my real name.
Yeah.
My Christian name.
And then he said, hey, Larry, where's your, where's your buddy needles?
Because he wasn't there one night or he was late or something.
And I just instantly knew who he was talking about and fucking.
And it was funny, man.
And we just started calling him that.
It's very funny because he was straight edge.
He wasn't the complete opposite of us.
It was the Brady Bunch thrown into the fucking, I don't know, the Sex Pistols.
Yeah.
The Ramones and you know what I mean?
Yeah, it was funny.
And we had fun.
But he was fucking really fun.
He's one of the funniest motherfuckers and we're going to get him on there because he's
going to come up.
There's a drum show that's going to go on and up here in Chicago land.
And he's going to be here on the 17th and we're going to, we're going to get him in
the studio here and do an interview with him and we're going to talk shit about Bobby and
fucking and fork.
Yeah.
And plus we used to work together, man.
And I was such a fuck up and this kid knew everything and he's a lot younger than me.
He's called Larry Kiss and Dudes by the dumpster.
Yeah.
And also he would, every time I would ring up a customer because it was a computer based
fucking system.
And you work at a very small guitar shop.
Yeah.
Like, and the owner was an alcoholic.
Yeah.
Hardcore alcoholic.
Hardcore.
Like, like open up a bottle of Jack Daniels at 8am and drink it at work.
And then I would walk into his office at like, it would be like 10 in the morning.
I walk into the office.
I'd be like, Hey, Pat, like I'd have a question for me.
He'd be like, Hey, you want to drink Larry?
I'd be like, Are you fucking kidding me?
Dude, I'm with a customer right now.
Are you telling somebody that is having a war?
That's me telling him.
I'm a high on heroin.
I don't need any alcohol.
Exactly.
But fuck man, this kid was really a fucking, he drank himself to death.
He used to live here actually.
He remembered the tub story.
When he, when he, he thought it was a bedroom.
Yeah.
He thought it was, it was real dark.
He didn't turn any lights on in the house and he opened the bathroom door and he thought
it was his bedroom.
And he ran full blast.
Yeah.
And just was going to throw himself in the bed.
And.
And it was the bathtub and he smashed his fucking head off the bed.
Gigantic fucking huge bump.
Almost killed himself.
Black and blue mark and shit.
It was fucking hilarious man.
He like dog.
He had to go working with like a total asshole.
Triple jump?
Triple in the jump?
No, no, it was the triple in the jump.
Hey, we're all gonna get laid.
You know the triple jump when they like jump, jump, jump and then they go in the jump.
Yeah.
That's what he, what he just stuff, oh, oh, wouldn't you stand on the line though?
What's that called?
That motherfucker just smashed his head.
Dude, he would drink so much and he was a tiny little fella.
Yeah.
He was, he was so skinny that my wife was going, hey, is Pat home one day?
She's, she's like, hey, is Pat home and I look in his room and I look at his bed.
She's still in the skeleton.
And I'm like, no, he's not there.
And he was there.
He's so skinny that there was no, it looked like his blankets were still fucking flat.
And then he comes walking out of the room later and I'm all high on coke and I almost
had a fucking heart attack.
Like where the fuck did you come from?
Pat ghost shit.
Yeah.
It was crazy.
He was like.
The bed looked made.
Yeah.
He was not even fucking.
Not even hip bones poking out.
He was, he was a skinny little, but he drank a lot man.
Yeah.
All those little goofy tattoos everywhere.
When did he die?
I think he was like 34 years old.
Oh man.
There's his license right behind you on the wall.
I think he was born in 1970.
RIP Pat.
We played, we played our, we set up and me, me, Matt, casual Matt and Bobby.
Bobby Bronco, Steamboat, the guy from my band, Bobby kisses dudes episode.
We played at Pat's funeral.
Yeah.
We set up at the VFW hall.
Man.
Like a fucking beer barrel party.
This fucking story just gets better and better.
Was it an open casket at the VFW hall?
No.
I wouldn't have been.
They just brought it in the body.
He's just in the VFW hall.
Cinnamon at the bar.
Picture of the Twin Towers.
I don't know, he was 2001.
When did he die?
That was a long time ago man.
I think he was like 2005 or 2006.
No, so yeah, so there could have been pictures of the Twin Towers in the VFW.
Yeah.
Jesus's hands.
Yeah.
Praying with a rosary.
Yeah.
The present tattoo.
Yeah, but I don't think the VFW guys go for that.
Not at all.
The VFW guys were fucking cool.
Yeah, you think?
Yeah, they were.
I love the fucking vats man.
Without those motherfuckers.
They get dollar beers.
Well, they used to get dollar beers.
The VFW hall rocks.
They always got a good jukebox.
Those guys know how to party.
Yeah.
They talk shit.
You know what I mean?
Not really.
We had a lighter...
Yeah, this morning there was a bunch of bikers lined up at the VFW hall right here in town
in...
The...
They were going somewhere.
I don't know where, but it looked fun man.
They all had these fucking Harleys and ready to go.
Really?
Yeah, I don't...
Probably...
It's nice how it's somewhere on here, definitely.
I was out on my motor scooter today.
Yeah, man, just cruising for dudes.
Fuck yeah.
There was none...
I wonder if I could buy you a place...
Oh, I'll tell you what.
How would I put Larry Kiss's dudes out of license plate?
You had to abbreviate it, but...
L-R-Y-K-S-V-U-D.
Hey, there was this old bitch out...
She was tanning in a bikini and she fucking like...
Where?
I was riding around down by the lake down there.
Oh, okay.
Oh, down by?
Okay, the apartments.
No, no, in Medina.
Okay.
And she's like going out of her way to like really, really wave at me.
Man, did she have a pineapple on?
No, I don't know what that means.
Yeah, she's a swinger.
Yeah, you and Mary can start swinging.
Yeah.
That sounds like a good thing for summer.
It should be the summer of swing.
Oh, yeah, she'll go for that.
It's because you want to treat...
That's what all the lives go for.
You want to tree swing it?
Oh, I thought you guys wanted to bang.
I just wanted to swing.
Where's the swing?
You guys would have a tire back here.
This is lame.
But...
It said swingers.
Okay, so wait, so she goes out of her way to wave at you.
And she's wearing a bikini?
Yeah.
Wow.
Was she good looking?
She was okay.
I mean, she was passable.
For a Saturday morning?
Yeah, passable.
Saturday morning late?
She was not a hot young chick that looked fucking amazing.
She put it that way.
But she was all right.
Okay, but I mean, for a mid-day fucking bikini shot.
Yeah, man.
For dirtbags like us, she was like about a seven.
You're gonna put that in your spank bank.
In the wank bank.
Mary's gonna fucking make up a whole scenario.
Look at that.
His scooter breaks down.
She tries to change the oil.
Yeah, she tries to change the oil.
And you're like, I'll change your oil.
I'll start oil becoming exciting.
Next thing you know, she's got a finger in your bum.
You're like, oh, I didn't picture it like this.
You're using your oil as sluper can.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Down in fucking dirty with that bitch.
She was a black bikini too.
And you know what was weird?
It was like she was already suntanned.
It's like that she must have been laying out when it was still fucking cold out.
Women love a tan.
Yeah.
They really do.
They love a tan.
Let me tell you, they'll be the tannest bitch and she'll date the most translucent dude.
You can see through.
Whitey Ford.
Yeah.
Oh, that's a good album.
From what?
Everlast?
Yeah.
Whitey Ford.
It's the great album.
It's the blues.
But what was she doing?
She was just laying out.
She was just laying in a lawn chair in front of her house.
Oh, in front of her house.
Like the driveway.
Yeah.
Yeah, in her driveway.
And then you drove by in your scooter?
I slowed down, yeah.
Oh, you slowed down.
See now the story is thickened.
Well, I slowed down when she started waving.
The clap thickened.
So I could get a better look.
I waved back.
You pulled your phone out.
No.
Larry's taking fucking secret snaps.
I didn't do that.
Upshots.
Upshots of what?
She's in a bikini.
That's her skirt shot.
I know.
No, you don't.
You just had up shots and she's wearing a bikini.
Well, the way she was sitting would have been an upshot.
Aren't those guys creepy?
Yeah.
I mean, you got a real sick fuck if you'd get off just taking shots of women skirts.
Yeah, I accidentally stumbled on one of those websites.
It was disgusting.
It took me like an hour to fucking.
You said to delete it?
Yeah.
She's like, oh, look at this one.
She doesn't even know what's going on.
This pervert has a toe cam.
I wonder if they sell shoes with the Amazon.
They do.
They have to.
Oh, patent pending.
That's a good idea.
Larry and Needle's toe shoe cam.
Yeah.
You can just put it right down there.
Perfect for parties.
And it's wireless.
Of course.
Yeah, you know what I mean?
You just got to charge it up.
You know, I got to do this thing and take a picture.
But it goes to our servers so all the pictures get downloaded.
We filter through them all first.
And we send out to like, here's some of your pictures.
Like, oh, these aren't even mine.
I wasn't in Thailand.
Those guys were pervs though.
But there's, you know what?
The internet just, like we've all had said before, that the internet, it's accessible
to anything that you like.
Oh my God.
Like that chick that got arrested for banging that dog.
Did you hear about that?
No.
She got out Snapchat videos of her getting banged by her dog.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
And then they arrested her.
That is fucking gross, man.
I mean.
I mean, what's wrong with people?
Well, a lot of things.
Yeah, something's really wrong with that bitch.
And you think she had arrested?
Holy fuck.
That's a fucking bestiality.
Yeah.
That's a fucking crime.
In the Bible it's even a crime.
Oh shit.
Here we go.
You don't think Jesus watched a fucking confide show?
No, I don't think so.
And I don't mean roosters.
I doubt it.
He had to though.
I mean, shit was wiling back then, right?
Well, he might have seen it, but I don't think he was doing it.
You think he partook?
No, I don't think so.
He just is a bystander.
Yeah.
He was fucking trying to tell him, hey man, mellow down on the perversions you fucking fucks.
So I'm going to get nailed into a crime scene.
Yeah, trying to fucking behave yourself somewhat, I'm going to fucking say it.
That just, when someone tells you to try to behave yourself, what do you do?
I know, it's so hard.
You go fuck wild.
You're just every time.
Yeah, you just pull out a high slush out of nowhere.
You're just fucking double fisting car bombs.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the shit.
But that's how it was.
You know what my wife would do to me?
She was so smart.
Like all these dudes would hit me.
No, man.
You know what I mean?
All these dudes would hit me.
No, man, don't say that about hers.
I'm going to tell her.
Well, she's going to hear this.
Yeah, I'm going to tell her.
What are you, a narc?
No, but all the dudes in the band would be like their wives would be like, hey now, you know.
No fucking right.
Sounds like an Indian.
Hey now, you know.
You fuck around and I'll cut your fucking dick off.
My wife would be like, you know, you're going to do whatever you need.
People are going to hear this.
You know this, right?
Yeah, and she would just say, you know, you're going to do what you're going to do.
And just don't fall in love with one of them fucking whores.
And it was weird because it worked like reverse psychology, like a motherfucker.
While the other guys were just...
So you just made dudes instead of chicks.
You found the loophole, Larry.
Larry loophole.
Fuck you.
If you want to, I can arrange that.
You have fucking fun hook.
So yeah, you know, and it worked.
She was smart.
Listen, if you're in a band and you're a young dude and you're traveling around...
Yeah, we weren't that young anymore.
Music...
Oh, I mean...
That's a thing.
I mean, if I was 20...
In your 30s?
Yeah.
Okay, so that's young.
I got younger than we were now.
Oh yeah.
We are now.
Right?
Yeah.
But if you're going to travel around and you're going to...
In my 40s too, though.
I still was good.
You're so good, Larry.
You really are, but...
Yeah.
You're a fucking saint.
I don't know about that.
Did you just say you're a saint?
Yeah.
Oh, what a fuck.
Hey, is that mushroom capsules?
Yeah.
And you said you're a saint?
No, I'm kidding.
No, now you're kidding.
Did that mushroom capsule affect you at all?
Yeah.
Okay.
Why are you keep on bringing stuff up?
Because I don't know.
I mean, some things need to be secret, but you just...
I don't know if I can feel it.
I don't know if I was feeling it.
Yeah, obviously when you talk about it, you're feeling it.
You're like, and forked over here.
You didn't eat the mushrooms, and I don't feel anything, but I went to the grocery store
and I took pictures of peppers and sent them to you.
Look at how vibrant the colors are, Larry.
I don't think the mushrooms are working.
Jesus, man.
Yeah, the one capsule is...
Working for you.
It's working.
It's very good, though.
I keep on forgetting what we're talking about because you distract me.
I don't know, but...
Yeah?
You don't know, but what?
I gotta say, man.
What's that?
I'm gonna say to everyone out there that Needles gave me this sheet of Mario, Super Mario
Brothers acid.
It's on Blotter Paper.
Yeah.
But there's no LSD.
It's not real LSD though, yeah.
Yeah, there's no LSD, but...
I like Blotter Paper art.
I think it's cool.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
I mean...
And he gave me some Donald Trump Blotter Paper too.
Yeah, I think that Donald Trump one's funny because it says zero on it instead of $1 bill.
Zero.
Which is amazing.
But the perforations are cool.
And that's pretty cool.
It really is.
It does look cool.
If you have an Eat Now LSD off a sheet, you'll never know.
Remember Jesus is on the cross?
Yeah.
They had all kinds of crazy...
At the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, man.
They had a Jimi Hendrix sheet and they had a Janice Joplin fucking sheet.
Really?
Yeah.
Was it dipped?
It said it wasn't.
But it was old.
Maybe that should be our heist.
Let's go steal those sheets of ass.
Oh my God.
That's gonna be our heist.
Take the shit that Jimi Hendrix is on.
We're gonna...
Our six followers are gonna be involved in the heist also.
Yeah.
The guy in Belgium, you gotta fly your own way here though, and both in Nigeria too.
But if you're gonna be involved, we're gonna try to get the...
Yeah, Nigeria you guys fucking stealing our information.
What does that mean?
Don't talk about our followers like that.
They don't mind.
That's like a shout out.
If you want to sue him for slander or whatever your name is in Nigeria, I got your back.
Fuck you if you want to sue me for slander.
Hey.
It's for Horf.
Everything is a legend.
Huh?
Everything is a legend.
Allegedly.
Yeah, allegedly.
It's a legend.
It's even worse when we say that because then they think it's true.
Right, allegedly.
You know what I mean?
We're like those... you ever see the first 48?
Oh god, yeah.
There's like a hardcore gangster and then they get him in the room and they're like,
oh shit, I killed everyone.
Yeah.
And the mom comes in and she starts slapping him around.
Yeah.
And then the fuck man...
You better do what's right, she tells her.
Yeah, there you go, yeah.
Your cousin deserves better.
He just got whacked after he just killed like six other motherfuckers.
I don't like that show and I'll tell you why.
I do like it and I'm addicted to it but after I watch it I am very depressed.
I feel sorry for everybody involved.
I feel sorry for the fucking victim.
I feel sorry for the fucking kid going to jail.
I just don't like the whole fucking thing.
The craziest... the craziest is when they show them actually committing the crime.
Yeah, when they have it on like a fucking apartment, camera and shit.
CCTV or something like that.
Yeah.
And the guy like... the guy just walks up and shoots a guy.
Pops somebody.
And then now they have him in their interrogation room.
And he's wearing the same fucking clothes.
And he's sleeping.
The guy's sleeping.
Right.
Or...
Or he's got his arms in his shirt.
Yeah, and he's cold and they keep him cold so they can't sleep.
But isn't it crazy?
This guy's a hardcore killer and he's just sleeping it away.
He knows why he's there.
And some of them are super fucking hardcore and some of them you could tell that they feel sorry.
And then some of them are just done.
They're just done living the life and they're just like, fuck it.
Imagine having to go to jail for the rest of your life.
Oh, man.
I think I'd rather go to a federal prison than a state prison.
Yeah, my friend Chris told me that it was fucking so easy in federal prison.
He said that they were actually fucking afraid of him because he was an actual real criminal.
And he's a ginger.
Bank rep.
No, he wasn't.
I know, I'm joking.
I know who you're talking about.
Oh, this one, the proviso?
Yeah.
Okay, so we can say about that, right?
Yeah, I guess.
We had a friend who was a bank robber.
And he fucking was, he did time before, you know.
He robbed multiple banks.
Multiple banks, multiple, multiple banks.
And then he was going to get...
There's a movie about him, actually.
He was going to get caught and he fucking blew his brains out, man.
Well, listen, man, you're fucking, you just chop a story up, Larry.
Come on.
So what happened was this guy gets out of prison, living in a motel.
He was out a couple, he was only out.
How long?
No, he lived with his dad, man.
But how long was he out though?
No, he was staying in the motel when they caught him.
Maybe, yeah.
Well, not when they caught him, but he got out of prison for how long?
He wasn't out there.
Shit, he was probably like, he just got over a year.
No, he just passed a year.
Okay.
So he passed a year and he was a felonious robber.
Yeah.
And he went back, robbed two banks.
Oh, man, more than that.
Was it?
Yeah.
Like about six.
And they had him on camera.
Yeah.
But before that, he robbed several.
But he had a horrible habit.
Yeah.
That's why he was robbing banks.
A debilitating habit.
But...
And what happened was he got, if you know anything about what we're talking about, he got shot
outside Proviso East.
Yeah, and the fucking crazy thing is...
Walking.
He was just walking down the street.
And the cop, somebody noticed him.
Yeah.
And it got him a shootout.
No, I think he just blew his brains out.
He didn't want to fucking deal with him.
I thought it was a shootout.
No, he wasn't shootout so previously, like in Arizona and fucking...
And what's the other state?
New Mexico out there.
And... but the funny thing was, he said he didn't really get all that much money each
time.
And plus he was...
They don't keep him in the trees anymore.
And he was spending so much money on drugs that he had to rob a bank about every four
or five days.
Which is a crazy way.
Three, four days.
Way better licks than that.
Yeah.
And that's a lot.
Larry and I, I had a great lick.
Remember when we used to go to the fucking restaurant?
The Puerto Rican?
Oh yeah, yeah.
With the EBT cards?
Yeah, that was great.
Yeah, but we can't talk too much about that.
No, but that was good.
But listen man, I mean a bank robber, that's a different mentality.
Plus we got fed.
Oh, she used to...
Mmm, the Puerto Rican food is the shit.
But the mentality of a bank robber...
Yeah, it's crazy.
You go in there, I have a gun.
If you show a gun, now you're in more trouble.
If you pass a note, say I have a gun, less trouble.
Yeah, and sometimes you go in there while...
But then you gotta get away.
Yeah, well you gotta while out sometimes.
Yeah, you shoot up fucking a street ball.
But there's buttons all over the place now.
There's people everywhere.
Oh, I know, I know.
How about the guy that shot the bank up at the robbit?
Well, one time in the old days when he got busted, he got caught on a bank robbery.
And because of the cameras, they connected into like 15 other ones, man.
And fucking whacked him all at once one time.
He had to do like fucking...
But he got out though, and then what did he do?
Robbed another bank.
And went to prison again, and then he told me, he actually told me,
if I ever get busted again, I'm gonna fucking kill myself
because I'm not spending more time in a fucking...
And he was a good dude.
Yeah, he was a real smart, real cool.
He was a real good dude, man.
It's crazy.
Really good on the guitar.
The people that passed by your life.
Yeah, yeah.
Weird.
Yeah.
Very weird.
I mean, the guy gets shot in front of a high school just...
Well, okay.
He might have shot himself.
I don't know the exact...
And I was in a band with this kid, and he fucking...
I had a drum kid at his house, an amplifier, all his shit, you know.
I just kiss it off because what are you gonna do, man?
Wow, Larry.
Wow, so selfish.
Oh my God.
Selfish, Larry.
I love Jesus, but I...
The guy kills himself, and then he's like...
Fuck you.
Where's my equipment?
I didn't fucking go with him for it.
Did you ask Jesus for your equipment back?
No.
You should have.
Maybe he would have gave you the okay.
Ah, you know what?
It was okay.
How do you know?
I didn't care that much.
Because you just brought it up.
Yeah, you just brought it up.
It's still positive.
As you say it.
You're like, this guy got killed, and then...
I left some amps over at his house.
Fuck you.
What a heartless son of a bitch you are.
God, you're painting a bad picture for yourself.
Oh, fuck you.
Like you're some kind of fucking priest or something.
Saint?
I am a saint.
A priest.
Oh my God, don't ever call me that.
That's the worst than a dirtbag or a scumbag.
I mean, when you think about, hey, you're a priest.
You're stronger getting caught in the pedophile.
Yeah, well...
I mean, you just can't fucking...
Who kind of circles do you hang in?
Hey, pedophile.
You know, priest.
You had a secret handshake when you were a pedophile?
I wouldn't know.
That was a true question.
Larry actually answered it right.
Why, you wanted me to show you what it is?
Yeah, and I want you to meet your friend.
Larry on the dark web.
So...
You're slacking a little here, Larry.
I see ween on your shirt.
My voice is shot, yeah.
Why is that?
Oh, my God.
From last night, all the drinking and smoking shit.
Man, you're old Larry.
That's all right, though.
That's all right, yeah.
No, it's not really.
Jay was...
Trying to fight you?
Still here this morning.
Oh, she did you?
Oh, my God.
She made some more cigarettes with that...
Man, she's got a fucking machine.
I literally thought she was putting the fucking...
I never saw anything like that in my life.
I have never either.
But I thought she was putting her Miller lights.
And I thought it was a cooler.
It's a cooler, basically.
You could fit a six-pack in it with some ice.
And so I asked Jay,
can we put some fucking beers in there?
And she says, no, that's my tobacco bag.
And I mean, it's a cooler.
Big fucker.
And then she pulls the fucking tobacco
because she rolls her own heaters.
And plugs it into the wall.
She needs power for this thing.
I've never seen anything like that.
And then jams her fingers into this motherfucker,
gets tobacco all over the place.
And then she pulls his handle down like an old-school slot machine.
Yeah, it did.
It was like fucking...
Bam, hits a ciggy.
Yeah, it really did it remarkably fast.
Well, but I mean, she's got...
There's a lot of work, though, too.
Let's work on rolling a joint, though.
I can't remember what she said she paid for a carton,
like 20 bucks for a carton.
But it seems like a lot of work.
Yeah, but, you know, she...
Ciggies are expensive.
And the best is she's trying to tell me that they're more healthy.
Nine out of 10 doctors recommend them.
You could buy bag fucking tobacco,
and then it's way better than ciggies.
It's fucking raunchy shit.
It's all raunchomatic.
What's that?
Cigarettes.
No, it's not.
No, it is.
It's fucking horrible, man.
Yeah, we're the last generation on them.
Yeah, we'll be dead soon, because of them.
No, I mean, that'll be a good episode if one of us dies on air.
Oh, yeah, that'll be fucking wonderful.
You should row Shambow to see who does it.
I don't think we get the choice.
Well, it's God's plan, right?
Unless someone's gonna get killed.
Yeah, we should go do it by...
I mean, we could figure out a lot of things to do.
Larry and Needle's life from the aquarium.
Yeah.
This ain't Jackass.
No, aquarium.
I want to get hurt.
Fucking...
Yes, Larry?
There's always, you know, Mary's driving.
Oh, well, that's the number one killer between the both of us.
Yeah.
I mean, I think that's gonna kill us before heaters.
Yeah.
If we survive another...
I remember the old days when she'd be like, smoking a cigarette,
has a coffee, fucking around with her phone, trying to drive,
and I'm like, really?
I mean, this is just slander.
It would be crazy.
It really is. You can't just say that.
And now she's only fucking around with the coffee and the phone
because she doesn't smoke cigarettes anymore.
I don't know about that. She rips heaters.
Only once in a while, man, not to the extent that she did.
Okay.
You're still fucking bad.
I don't know. What's better?
Cocaine or heaters?
Coke.
That was quick.
I'd rather smoke coke than heaters.
Jesus, man.
Nobody even gave you that option.
You just came over.
Literally bending the rules over here.
If you're gonna smoke.
I've never smoked coke.
I don't know what it's like.
Okay.
But...
I don't understand what you mean about cigarettes.
They're fucking raunchy.
Yeah, they're the worst.
Yeah.
They're just bad.
Like, my mom had some shit with her heart.
And the doctors, like, this is from smoking.
And my mom's like, I smoke weed, too.
Is this, you know, is there anything to do with that?
And they're like, no, it's all from cigarettes, you know?
They're the worst.
Yeah.
They really are, but they're so addictive.
Oh, my God.
This is kicking fucking Skag is easier than kicking Siggies, dude.
It really is.
There's nothing like a good heater.
No, it really isn't.
Couple beers, man.
Hanging out with the boys.
Fucking mushrooms.
Joints are going around.
A few packs of cigarettes.
No, not even.
You just want it.
You eat something.
There's always nothing like a good...
Yeah, you want a cigarette after you eat.
After some pizza, man.
After Rosario.
You want to have a cigarette when you take a shit?
I don't know about that.
While you're shitting?
Yeah.
That's kind of weird.
I don't like that.
Oh.
I'm more of an interactive guy.
I want to read a magazine.
You guys got candy up there.
You can't fucking smoke and read.
I mean, what are you, fucking mental?
Yeah, but that's what makes me mental.
Because you want to shit and have a Siggie, and I can't shit.
And you can't.
No.
God damn it, Larry.
Hey.
You know.
That was the first one.
They gave me the second one.
Forgive this fucking moron.
He really doesn't understand.
Is that going to be the prayer of needles?
Oh, Zassel does not understand.
Oh my God.
What happened there?
She fucking closed down on us.
Ah, shit.
No, I didn't, man.
The screen just turned on.
Okay, cool, man.
Well, because we've only had a technical difficulty.
Yeah, it has been a fucking rough day or two.
Yeah, we're just trying to get by.
But we got it down now, man.
I think we did.
I think we fucking got it figured out.
I don't know about that.
I still got to call no shirt, Nick.
I mean, there were grassroots.
I still got to call no shirt, Nick, for some good advice.
But once they fucking, you know what?
These guys don't want to know this shit.
Oh, they might.
I mean, unless we're just going to fight about it, because you didn't fuck up.
No way shit happens.
Yeah, it's all good.
Yeah.
Anyways.
I love my boy.
You know what I mean?
I would never fucking...
That was a pretty good episode.
Needles almost made it through almost the whole way without using the Lord's name in
vain.
Maybe he did a couple times in the beginning.
I didn't notice, but...
I mean...
But, you know, God noticed and he's going to fucking burn in hell.
God damn it, we got a lot of followers.
I don't know what a fucking idiot is.
Shout out to you.
Tell everybody to like and follow us.
I mean, give us some reviews.
And...
We're grassroots.
And I mean, we're just two idiots on drugs.
And we're signing off.
Okay.
Love you guys later.
Thank you for tuning in to Larry and Needle Show.
Peace.
I'm Larry.
I'm Needles.
Peace.
Larry and Needle Show.