time to get ready for the Larry and Needle show.
Music
Alright, here we go.
No wait a minute, we're going to start right now.
No, no wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
No, no, no.
Why not?
You just can't do that Larry.
Why not man?
Okay, whatever.
Why? What do you got to get some heavy preparations?
More I mean fucking A, I wasn't even planning on doing this.
You need preparations?
Look at this.
Okay here we are, welcome to the Larry and Needle show.
I'm Larry.
And I'm Needle.
And I don't know if we aired the last episode or not man, but I-
I bet you he's going to get let out.
I really, when you hear the one where all you can hear is-
How about-
When you can literally fuck up one, and then you listen to literally fuck up two,
this one's really-
You'll see a pattern.
This one's really a fuck up though.
That last one was just a small minor fuck up compared to this one.
That's right, people can still hear you Larry, and I love you.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, which makes me-
Oh you didn't even give it back.
I love you too.
No I don't want to hear it now.
No if you-
Hey I got to go check-
I was distracted.
I got to go look at something now because I'm paranoid.
Yeah, well Larry's going to go check the levels and see what's going on.
Alright so Larry's going back.
Oh, he sees his boyfriend and he kisses him.
Man, these guys are embracing themselves.
This is kind of weird.
Okay we're good.
I haven't been this paranoid since I used to fucking-
Have black fingers?
Since before Jeff moved to Texas.
I mean that's a weird statement.
We used to do a lot of poof with this guy.
Yeah, I bet you did.
I mean it wasn't your nickname poof.
Yeah.
Actually not even a nickname, that's just what they called you.
Are you eating a rice cake?
Yeah.
Okay.
No flavor.
I'm hungry man.
Okay.
I mean you could have waited until-
So yeah, the last episode I was laying down some tracks with my-
I was making a song.
Kind of fun.
My little digital audio workstation and I had the microphone that I thought I was plugged
into.
And I was out here, I thought it was out where we were doing this podcast but it was actually
in another room.
And?
So that's why on that last episode you could only hear needles and I sound like a producer
guy from the background.
And that was a big fuck up.
That was my biggest fuck up so far.
Well no, we got fuck up Larry fucks up number one and we got Larry fucks up number two.
Like I said-
Yeah but Larry's fuck up number one is nothing compared to the fuck up that I just did.
But it was a whole episode this one.
It's alright though.
Listen, we're personable.
Yeah last time we lost-
If people want to listen they'll listen if they don't fuck them.
I mean really?
What are you looking for?
I'm not looking for anything.
I just want to rip on you.
Call you gay.
Hey fuck off.
Yeah now all of a sudden you're going to get salty because you just ruined the whole
episode.
No I didn't ruin this episode.
I didn't get to bring that up.
You're going to ruin this episode.
I'm going to bring that up if we do 60,000 episodes of the fucking 59,999 I'm still going
to bring it up.
I'm never going to let you live that down Larry.
Never going to let you down.
I don't really fucking care at all.
The guy's a ginger right?
Who?
The guy who sings that song.
I don't even know who it is.
Are you going to rip that thing or what?
Because I don't have a re-heater.
Dude man, all I do is fucking get you high.
Oh thanks.
You gotta fucking get me high once in a while.
Sure.
Okay no problem.
So no.
So no I can't smoke that joint?
And why would you just air that laundry out there like that?
You make me sound like a complete fucking dirtbag which I am but not to that degree.
He gets me high.
He didn't get me high today.
So what have you done to me lately?
You just airing your fucking dirty laundry out?
What do you mean dirty laundry?
Yeah because obviously there's a feeling.
Like it's a secret that works.
You just see things and they're high.
Is it bad if I put my cell phone on my leg?
Well give me nut cancer.
Yeah it will.
Probably will.
Yeah.
Everything emits radiation right?
Mm-hmm.
To some degree.
Yeah but you don't want your balls emitting radiation.
Well it depends.
What are you planning on doing with it?
Nut.
I don't know.
Are you gonna fucking fuel your rocket ship with it?
I'm gonna bang my rocket ship.
I'm just outside fucking the gas hole.
This guy really loves rockets.
Fuck man.
What's that?
Lab called in.
I don't know.
Okay.
I'm doing this voting thing.
Okay well I don't care.
Hello.
Hello?
Yeah.
Hello this is the National Police and Trooper Association.
We're calling over to let them know the new drive is underway.
Like always your support will go to representing the needs of law enforcement officers whether
that means for better equipment or staff or fair wage.
We also believe in the family of all officers who receive assistance from the law enforcement
officers.
So if we send you a message on your non-taxed uptool support.
We support the police.
Yeah sure.
Send me an envelope.
How much is the minimum donation?
There are three levels of support.
There we go.
25, a 35 and a $50 level.
Okay.
That is best for you.
I'm going to send you some information in the mail.
Yeah send some information in the mail and I'll check it out and then I'll get into it
and send it back to you guys.
How's that sound?
We need a commitment to send it out wherever your heart needs your budget.
Oh man.
25, 25 or 20.
Which one do you need?
You can't commit to a one year lease.
I can't commit to it man.
I gotta let you go.
I'm in the middle of, I'm working right now.
I'm sorry buddy.
Okay.
Well I mean.
If you want to call this work.
I had to hang up on that guy because I don't, I'm rude and I don't know how to deal with
people on a normal level.
It's not that you're rude that you want.
If they can send you physical information.
Yeah that's the second guy at the time this guy called for me.
Oh mother.
Is he calling back?
Doctor man.
No this is my mother.
Oh well.
Shit.
All right we're back.
Oh we are hot again?
Look at this guy.
Sorry about that rough cut edit there.
My mother called me to tell me.
What would you say something about that?
My mom called me to tell me that you know sorry that I haven't been cooking any food
and but she didn't cook tonight either but just let me know.
Sorry.
I'm not going to cook tomorrow either.
I'm kind of doing something right now.
Well I mean you love your mom right?
Yes I love my mom.
So we have to pause the podcast.
So it's all good because you know the truth is.
Shout out to Emery.
You know she feeds me a lot.
Someone has to.
She lives very close walking distance and I eat there all the time and she's an excellent
cook and I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sugar baby and a mama's boy.
Oh my god.
Listen to you.
I got it all going on.
Let me tell you on Grindr you'd be a fucking gold star.
Everybody wants it.
And you eat rice cakes?
Gold star sugar baby.
I'm sure that's code for something.
I like rice cakes.
Sure.
I'm sure it's like some weird nasty salmon.
God only knows.
In a Porta John.
Rice cakes.
Can't do something with George Michael or something I think.
Don't you diss George Michael.
I love Wham.
Fuck you.
And you know what?
Careless Whisper.
George Michael just went over a billion watches.
What the fuck is that?
You know I heard Careless Whisper?
No.
I'm sorry.
Oh my gosh.
Later you and I are going to fight for the first time on the podcast.
God man come on.
Listen I love Wham.
And George Michael was the shit.
That's the gayest fucking shit.
What do you mean that's the gayest shit?
You.
I just think it is man.
I mean you can like it.
It's okay.
Dude Wham rocks dude.
Fucking Jitterbug.
Come on baby.
I don't think I heard Jitterbug.
Man you've heard a lot of this shit.
I don't think I paid attention.
I think one of my girlfriends was listening to while she was sucking my dick or something.
You're such a tough guy.
Oh you're skinny jeans.
I heard skinny jeans.
Oh they're not that skinny today.
They don't look like someone threw up in a fucking plaid pajama pants.
Fuck you.
Guys and motherfuckers got 47 zippers.
That one could hold a bag of catamines.
Yeah they could all hold a bag.
No they couldn't.
They're all shallow.
Just like you.
I load those fucking zippers with joints when I go to punk rock shows man.
I'm the only guy that's able to pull out.
You're the only guy that everybody's watching because they think you're a pedophile.
That's off man.
They're like first of all where do you think I go?
I'll wait you just fucking.
Well you're the one who just said you go to punk shows.
Little tits, rollers, skating rinks or something.
I mean you just said it.
I don't know is that where you go?
Yeah that's where you go.
I just see you just sniffing seats wherever you go.
Like excuse me.
You bring your caution tape with you and put it in front of the ladies room.
Just gonna get a couple sniffs before dinner.
Whatever.
Whatever's the bad shit.
I don't know what you're talking about.
It's the greatest answer.
You know exactly what I'm talking about Larry?
I mean come on.
He's trying to deter from the fact that you're a seat sniffer.
But that's alright though.
You know everybody likes what they like.
I know and you always have been a projector.
Of what?
You know you project what you do on other people.
I do.
I tell you my own life's an open book.
You know that.
I know and you also what you do you tell other people they do like you're a seat sniffer
or gay all that shit.
I've never sniffed a seat.
Well no I never have.
Okay.
Yeah right.
I'm trying to think about it.
I wouldn't be honest with you.
Come on.
All of a sudden I stopped being honest to Larry.
I've never sniffed a seat.
But there was this guy that he got busted.
He snipped right out of straight out of his ass.
No no listen you know what he would do?
He would take a saran wrap and put it in a toilet and ladies would piss in it and then
he would collect the saran wrap after.
Oh that's a fucking wonderful guy.
I mean I'm not saying this guy's Jesus but I mean this guy.
This guy got a mission dude.
I mean did you drink it?
I mean did he drink it?
Did I drink it?
Did he drink it?
I don't know what he did.
The guys who collected the piss.
I mean you can only imagine if this guy's going into a relationship.
How do you know he did it?
Cause he got arrested for it.
Oh he did.
Yeah.
Nice.
I mean I'm not.
I just didn't make this story up.
Well.
This guy used to put some.
I thought you were telling me it was your cousin or your friend or something.
Fucking Larry the sneets and the.
Shit the seat sniffer.
Fuck it.
Needles the seat sniffer motherfucking dog.
That does sound a little bit more.
Needles the sneets sniffer seat sniffer dog.
What's that?
That'd be a good children's book.
Needles the seat sniffer dog.
Maybe my lounge act.
That's my lounge act.
Yeah but not the dog.
Where did the dog come in?
Cause it's a children's book.
That doesn't make any sense to you.
He helps the cops through sniffing people's ass.
Who does?
Needles the sneets.
Seat sniffer dog.
Why are you trying to kick me out of here?
Get away from me.
Come on man.
I need to smoke a little bit more of this by myself.
Just get over there in your fucking seat.
You didn't even record the last episode.
Come on.
I need to fucking relax or I'll kill you.
I'll give you this in a second I promise.
Just let me have a couple more bucks.
What is that called though?
Something to.
Pave your intentions.
No, something's paved with good intentions.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Is it the road to hell?
Really?
Yeah.
What's a good intention though?
I'm going to go bang this hooker and then I won't get AIDS.
I'm going to bang this hooker and go lay down with my wife.
I don't know.
What's a good intention?
Good intentions.
Hey man, I gave my buddy a couple extra bags of dope.
Oh shit, you didn't die.
Holy shit.
I meant to be nice.
You got really kind of real for a second.
You know there was a real quick road to hell with a good intention.
Usually it takes many good intentions to get you there.
That was a quick one.
How is it?
I don't understand how that's feasible though.
I mean in my mind the road to hell.
Don't you understand what that means?
I mean what's good intentions?
I never have good intentions.
Well see then you wouldn't know.
I mean do you have good intentions?
It doesn't surprise me that you never have good intentions.
So before you spoke to a joint you're like oh I have good intentions.
Yeah.
Really?
I'm not going to covet my neighbor's wife.
You couldn't.
He's bigger than you.
And so is she.
She'd give you a run for your money Larry.
Well it doesn't matter because I wouldn't do that.
Okay so next would you steal?
No I would not steal.
No you steal kisses from dudes all the time.
Next?
I wouldn't kill.
I wouldn't murder.
I would kill.
I wouldn't murder.
Well you wouldn't do it with.
I wouldn't murder.
You wouldn't do it.
It spur the moment somebody comes into your house.
Hypothetically Larry has guns.
Might have to kill him.
But you know I wouldn't murder somebody.
Illinois is not a shoot to right state.
You have to leave your house.
Bring the right.
What does that mean?
Oh whatever.
Okay now you're just making fictitious stuff up.
Okay but you can't just shoot a purpose.
Let me see it there.
Since you're up you just can't kill somebody in Illinois.
When they break in your house you literally have to leave your premises and then if you
do kill them there's a human investigation.
No no here's what it is.
You could put up as much force as they're putting up.
Not at all.
Yeah.
Not at all.
If an intruder enters your house and you kill him.
My wife was a fucking lawyer.
I'm more liable for that person.
My wife was a public defender.
Texas you shoot first, ask questions later.
Yeah but what?
My wife was a public defender in Cook County, Illinois in Chicago.
And fucking if someone's coming at you with a bat you can come at them with a bat.
Because your life is in danger.
Yeah.
If the motherfucker has a gun.
But there are multitudes of cases that have been proven wrong by people shooting intruders.
Well I know someone that killed someone in self defense and they fucking had to do time
and shit.
Well if it was self defense why did they have to do time?
They still had to do time man.
How long?
Three four years.
Federal County or state?
I don't remember man.
I don't know.
It was a long ass time.
I think you'll do 50% federal you'll do 75%.
Well I don't know.
I think I don't remember.
But you remember what?
I don't know if he did federal or fucking state but all I know is even though it was
self defense and they ruled itself defense the motherfucker still had to do some time.
I'll tell you right now.
Okay so there was a late.
Because he's still regardless manslaughtered somebody.
There's been people downtown in the city that people have tried to rob them.
It's on camera.
They pull out their pistol.
They're concealed carry.
They kill them.
Absolved.
They're okay?
Yeah.
Now you're a murderer.
Why?
Because you just killed somebody but you're absolved by the courts because this person
attacked you.
Well you're not a murderer then man.
You're just protecting your shit.
Exactly.
You gotta think about that every day and every night.
It's different than killing somebody drunk driving.
Well it's different than killing anybody any other way.
Because you're pulling the trigger.
If you shoot them, listen shooting people have you ever seen a person shot?
Yeah after the fact.
I never saw anyone get shot before.
In person?
Yeah.
Okay.
But.
It's not a good scene.
No.
A bullet does a lot of damage.
It does.
Listen.
You should get Jeff on here Mr.
A knife is the way to go.
Shot three times in the abdomen.
A knife is the way to go.
You tell you about bullet wounds.
A knife is the way to go.
It's very personable.
But a gun.
Woof.
That shit blows your back out and not like you banging a fat girl.
No.
Oh man.
But.
Well I might.
I mean this is Larry's phone episode.
Here we go.
Yeah man.
I'm a pop.
I mean come on dude.
Always.
Alright sorry for that abrupt.
So Larry had to take a phone call for fucking 15 minutes.
Yeah sorry for that abrupt.
About nothing at all.
Well you know.
I mean you gotta tickle someone's pickle.
Yeah or else to fucking record here and he's a little drunk and fucking.
So you gotta listen.
You know he's one of my peeps.
I can't fucking chump him off and do whatever you want.
Plus you know I gotta make some money and uh.
We all know how you do that.
Yeah.
I didn't say anything.
Cause he's one of my god.
He's one of my uh.
Johns.
Oh my god Larry a huge revelation for the show.
Larry's a prostitute.
Do you have an only fans?
No.
You should do an only fans.
Man.
Just do a butthole.
That's it.
We'll cover up your balls and everything else when you just do your butthole.
No one wants that man.
How do you know?
I don't wanna.
I don't wanna do that.
You wanna make money?
Nah man.
If you gotta do that you ain't got no game.
Well maybe no soul.
No game is different.
Well if you gotta show your fucking ass.
Fucking you ain't got no game.
If that's your fucking.
What are you talking about?
If that's your thing.
And that's the only thing.
Tell me that a hot chick that goes on only fans shows her fucking butthole and.
That bitch can't make.
Thousands of dudes pay her.
That bitch ain't got no game.
She can't make a sandwich.
She's not good.
Wow that was completely sexist.
She can't make a sandwich.
That's your first fucking interjection.
I'm just thinking you know amongst everything man.
No that was your first one.
What do you mean you should have been like I don't even know what else you're trying
to get at.
She can't make a sandwich.
Jesus Larry.
She might look good.
You're gonna get us careful.
She probably doesn't even know how to fuck.
You know.
Probably chances are.
I mean any girl knows how to fuck.
Well yeah but I mean well.
Well wait a second.
Any girl that's overly lean.
Really knows how to fuck.
Larry.
Anyways.
So yeah you know they might look good and that's their fucking thing and you know God
bless them.
I hope they make millions of dollars but they ain't got no game for real and the real
world.
I don't know what that means.
They have huge game.
It means they have only talent.
They're making millions of dollars off of dudes.
Well I guess that's their thing man.
They've never met these people and they're giving them money.
They will never touch them or see them.
Okay well that's a thing.
It's not like old prostitution.
Like you okay listen.
These guys give this lady let's say two hundred dollars.
You can get a hooker for two hundred dollars and touch someone.
Yeah.
But they can't do that.
They're just sitting in front of their computer just whacking it.
Well those people that fucking contribute to that are pretty dumb too but whatever.
Pay for sex is nothing new.
No I know that's fine.
But with no contact.
The prostitute has more game.
With no contact.
At least the prostitute has some game.
Yes but Larry I'm talking about they have no contact with these ladies.
I'm gonna send you two hundred dollars and all you're gonna do is show me pictures of
your pussy.
Yeah I wouldn't send it.
I wouldn't send the money.
I wouldn't want to.
But I'm not talking about you Larry.
Okay that's crazy.
You finally realized it.
That's crazy to me then.
What do you mean what's crazy?
That's crazy.
To me that's insane.
That some guy would send money to a woman for her pussy pictures.
That's crazy to you.
Kind of yeah.
You have a wife.
I don't know.
Even if I didn't.
You don't think that's I mean you've never heard of fucking pain for sex.
Oh yeah that's okay.
The world's oldest.
So that's the fucking.
The world's oldest.
That's the lowest denominator of pain for sex.
I guess so man.
Is pussy pictures and me giving you a video of a dude fucking me.
Alright well I mean you know you could just tune in at any point.
I mean not like me though.
I mean I should retract that statement.
That sounds very condescending.
That's your fucking only fan page.
Yeah I know.
I must up my gig there.
Shit.
But if you're gonna make money listen.
It's so much easier for a fucking woman to make money.
My shit.
Don't burn the place down.
Yeah.
Right.
It's much easier.
If you're a good looking chick man.
Fuck.
You don't even have to be that good looking.
Actually you don't.
You just gotta be a chick.
And nowadays you can.
Women go on there and you can tell them what.
I mean I see you know and it depends certain things turn on different people.
Not everybody wants to.
Some guys like hey I want you to put your fist in your asshole and I'll pay you 50 bucks.
Chicks like well man might be more than that.
I've never done that but.
Come on bullshit.
I've never done.
I've watched webcams.
I've never interacted with any of the women ever.
See and that's what I mean.
It's like.
No I just.
What's been doing that now are they paying extra and then anyone can watch it.
Liri.
Okay so.
So while I'm watching.
The guy calling the shots.
Well listen.
Pay 200 and other people watching.
Pay 20.
How does that work.
What they do is they tip them while they go along.
And then what they do is it's a they bait you to go into a private show and then you
have to pay more.
It's like a strip club.
It really is.
Okay.
I just thought I just realized that it's like a strip club.
And then you go in the back room and get a lap dance.
But with virtually.
So called lap dance.
Well I mean.
I'm not going to laugh.
I'm wearing sweat pants.
Allegedly.
You know what I mean.
Never wear sweat pants to a strip club.
No undies.
Commando dude.
Let me tell you.
Good pair of champions.
Tight waistband.
Man.
You gotta watch out what color you wear.
No.
I'm not a strip club guy anymore.
Me either.
I'd imagine the strip clubs aren't doing so great because people don't have as many
ones to give away.
What are you talking about.
You know them bitches don't make as much money as they used to make I bet.
How do you know.
Because man times are tight.
It's just like your asshole but I mean you know what the fuck women are making.
I'm just guessing motherfucker.
Oh yeah then why you're making a generalized statement.
Cuz man.
Dude strippers are making more money than you sugar babies.
So you better calm down.
I know that.
But what I'm saying is.
What's that.
What are you saying Larry.
People don't have as many ones to be fucking putting in the strippers.
Okay this is crap.
Okay I'm going to tell you right now.
If I go into HBs right now and I bring a hundred dollars they will more than happily
exchange it for one hundred dollar bills.
And I'll tell you right now if I lick 50% of them and put the other 25 in my ass I'll
probably get high off a coke.
But you don't think a strip club is going to change your money.
Of course they will.
Yeah then what are you talking about they're running out of dollar bills.
No dummy.
I'm saying people don't have the hundred dollar bill to go in there to hand them.
Yes they do.
Oh motherfucker.
You don't think people.
Not as many people.
Okay listen I'm going to tell you El Capone.
A lot of them.
El Capone said.
A few of those dollars.
It's a few less lap dances.
A few of them dollars went in the gas tank.
And a lot of them dollars went to the fucking food grocery store.
And your ass tank.
You got to buy Bud Plugs and everything else and fucking.
What?
You think that card?
Yeah.
But at the same time El Capone always said what's the two things that go to go out of
style during the recession.
Horses in alcohol.
Right?
Right.
Exactly.
I got to find my jacket.
For what you're going to leave again?
Where are you going man?
For what?
I don't know.
You're just going to Walgreens.
Hey Mary is my puffy coat up there?
My black puffy coat.
Oh I got to be racist.
Hey.
Talk to me.
Now we're going to have to fucking pause this shit.
You just keep leaving.
Is it it?
The fucking Larry Wanderer's episode.
Jesus Christ man.
A phone call.
I had more interruptions in this motherfucker.
Yeah you have but I'm fucking subjected to all this shit.
Oh man shit.
All of a sudden Mr. Fucking Needles has been subjected.
Yeah.
That's how you should refer to me from now on is Mr. Needles.
Yeah.
I like that.
Mr. Ass Clown.
Thank you Larry.
Because I'm a what?
I said Mr. Ass Clown.
That's the family story.
Let me ask my wife does she have a fucking.
My lawyer.
Does she have my shit that she needs?
Did you have the thing Larry?
Ah fuck man.
What?
What's fucking wrong?
Alright I'm going to press pause.
Why?
What's wrong?
Alright.
Man Larry.
Back again.
Larry just had a grinder date and it was very uncomfortable.
Ah.
How'd it feel?
I'm fucking tired man.
I bet he wore your ass out right?
I wore out like a motherfucker.
I could barely breathe.
Well.
After the grinder.
I know.
I can't breathe.
After the grinder date I had my wife also ran me through the ringer just now.
Yeah she just took her credit cards.
She doesn't want anything else to do with you.
Even though you're a sugar baby she's like giving you her money which is technically
her money.
Man that's cyclical.
Ah is it crazy it goes to the big fucking.
It's the tightest circle ever in a Venn diagram.
Mary's bunny Larry the pool boy.
And that's it.
It's all one circle.
Yeah it's three just really really tight.
Yeah you barely do it a little sliver maybe here and there.
You know what I mean sugar baby's not bad.
It's a good title.
Hey you know someone's gotta do it.
And not to mention you know my wife needs help.
She needs help around the house with shit and I do things.
I'm not just a sugar baby.
I also fucking put in work you know.
Man.
Mary's making you kiss the fucking landscaping guys.
That's her thing.
Go out there Larry.
Ah man.
And your American flag shorts and kissing in Mexico.
Don't talk about her like that.
It's not her thing.
It's not her sick.
I know it's not my lawyer's thing.
Her sick pervert.
Who me?
Yeah you.
No I'm not a sick pervert.
My wife's not a sick pervert but yeah you are.
Yes I am.
I mean I'll admit it aren't you too.
If you want to kiss the landscaping guy you can.
I don't mind.
I'm not fucking going study with him.
He has to get a step ladder.
He's a short fella you know what I mean.
But oh you know what do you ever see a rodeo?
No I've seen on TV but not live.
You see a rodeo?
Yeah man I'd go to a fucking rodeo.
It's United States vs Mexico.
Where at?
Um Chicago?
No the now center in Hoffman.
We should go.
Do you know what they do to them fuckers?
They tie their nuts up and shit.
They yank at them and that's why they buck.
But they don't kill them like at a bullfight right?
No this is American soil.
This isn't a third world country.
I go to a rodeo.
I seen a bullfight in Mexico.
My dad fucking told me he saw a bullfight in Mexico City and he said man.
It's crazy.
It was terrible.
No they serve it afterwards.
It's terrible.
He said it was horrible.
It's not terrible at all.
He said it was bad.
Dude I seen a motherfucker get beat up by a bull.
Well he deserved it.
It's a fucking Darwinism.
It's just dumb.
It didn't even in there was a fucking wild animal.
Man vs beast.
It's like you and your first girlfriend.
Man my girlfriends are all hot.
That's getting buddy.
Even as my wife all my girlfriends are fucking smokers.
You can't even put your fingers around the wrist.
Suck a dick.
Girlfriends are fucking cute.
Don't tempt me Larry.
Any of my ex girlfriends out there that ever hear this, if they ever do hear this, you
all were fucking hot.
You all had nice pussies and I liked all of you and I still liked you.
Oh wait a minute you're a married man Larry.
I know but I still be cordial to them and fucking I would still be nice.
Everyone would be nice to say hi.
Oh you're gonna be cordial all of a sudden.
Yeah and I would do whatever you know.
Literally cordial.
Look how about this I would egg normal.
You wouldn't even know how to slip into someone's DMs if you had Crisco on your ass.
But that's alright though hey let me hit that thing there.
So yeah you know.
I know a lot of things but I know a lot about a little things.
Mary even likes my old girlfriends.
Oh that's good.
I mean it's not like they're around anymore.
The ones that she did meet.
They're still all alive fuck.
I don't know if they're all alive.
I don't know.
Thank you track.
You should find out.
I don't look you know I would have to be looking them up and shit.
You can barely see with your glasses on so looking at Facebook is a joke.
I mean you're all hopped up on peanut M&M's and shit.
Peanut M&M's and reefer.
I think that's what Mary's going to get.
What's that?
M&M's.
They're so expensive they're fucking Walgreens aren't they?
Here catchler.
It's like twice as much as you said right.
But you guys have a sweet tooth.
Yeah it's twice as much.
Right?
Yeah.
If you get M&M's at Woodmans it's half the money that it is at Walgreens.
Well soon you can ride your scooter.
Oh boy.
Yeah.
Scooter lottery.
I've been doing wheelies right now.
Fucking out on the prowl dude.
I'd be out there.
Oh yeah.
Fucking going up and down.
Jean Short's pocket hanging out.
Whoever can grab these pockets can get a ride.
Yeah.
Flag football.
That's what it's called.
I was going to say that but I don't know.
Dude that's great.
That's what it's called on your scooter.
If somebody can grab your pockets on your Jean Short.
Huh?
Does it?
What?
You can say fag.
You're stepping out of my joke again.
Fag football.
Your Jean Short's are cut short.
I get it.
Pockets are hanging out.
You know what I mean?
You don't even fucking explain it.
You didn't even laugh at it.
Yeah I did.
I said.
Dude will you listen?
Fuck man.
You fucking.
Jeez.
God.
Jeez.
Your fucking head is made out of wood.
Here listen.
Here's what I said.
I was going to say fag football except I didn't think it was good to say fag.
Well you don't have to keep on saying it.
That's a problem.
I mean I think it's bad but I'm going to say it nine times.
Does that really diminish?
So I didn't say it the first time.
Yeah but you said it the nine other times.
It doesn't diminish the fact that you didn't know what you were saying.
My god we're going to have to get the lawyer down here to say if this is okay.
I'm going to train whistles because of Larry tonight.
There's not.
I think we can leave that.
We can probably keep that in.
I mean fuck we're a small fucking shop.
We're a small community.
No we're a small shop.
You know what I mean?
We're just starting our product.
We're trying to get it out to people.
If you're one of them they can't really say anything.
One of who?
You know.
You know I don't.
I'm asking you.
Well one of us is gay not me.
So they will give you a part of the gay community.
I mean see they have a child do you?
No.
So.
I got children your age.
Where?
They're all over the place.
In a sock somewhere.
I've been holding onto this thing since the 60's.
And whenever you were born.
You ever just jerk off into a sock?
I used to know a guy who would take a wet sock, put it in the microwave, heat it up and then
jerk off into it.
No.
I'm being serious.
I know obviously.
So how often did you do this?
I didn't.
I never had.
I never really have.
Really?
You never really have like as a habit or you just did it once or twice?
No I never actually I never put my dick in a warm sock.
It sounds weird.
It sounds pretty sick.
It sounds weird.
I mean I've been with the wife of a microwave.
I'm going to be in a microwave.
What if it's too hot?
You know like tonight you burn your mouth.
Oh my god.
There's a sock in the microwave.
You burn your fucking balls.
The convection oven.
The sock starts on fire.
Convection oven though.
I burned the house down.
You know like in a microwave you can feel it and it doesn't feel hot.
Then inside it's fucking weird.
Listen I burned the house down because I was heating a sock up.
I was going to whack my meat.
Ah man.
You ever watch porn?
Yeah back in the day.
Back when it was VCR and DVDs and shit.
I haven't seen a fucking porn on shit since you know.
It's not even porn anymore now it's just clips of chicks.
Yeah?
Yeah seriously.
Like literally clips, 30 second clips of women.
I can show you on Reddit.
It's my favorite porn shit.
Dude thousands and thousands every day.
Thousands and thousands of women just doing the greatest things in the world to themselves.
What was the one man?
I don't know that's kind of vague.
There was one fucking very popular porn.
Chet Roulette?
Pornhub?
No no before that.
XXNX?
Before Pornhub.
I don't know.
It was a...
Ah man.
Yeah give me more Larry.
Some color or something.
Red, blue.
Red tube?
Red tube.
It's still around.
Okay that was the last time I seen porn was when that came out.
How long ago was that?
I don't know I'm asking you.
You're the fucking...
You're the one who just told me what you just...
Yeah but you're the one that's fucking you know...
I'm not the porn connoisseur.
I don't know.
Okay listen I like my kind of porn.
Cause your brother was the porn connoisseur.
I thought you were maybe...
Man you want to hear a great story?
So we went and saw...
I always want to hear a great story.
So we went and saw fucking Jay Bird, me and someone else in Minnesota.
Yeah.
Okay.
Tri-Cities and he was the manager of a porn store and literally a stone throws...
I mean literally next door connected to this place was a strip club and the ladies came
in and just tried all these clothes on.
Jay told me this story.
Well they did this every night or they didn't do this but...
And literally they were like hey come back here and watch us and they fucking changed
all these outfits.
And what does this one look like?
And does this one look good?
They got a little frisky with each other and then we had a good night.
But shout out to Jay Bird.
It's pretty vague.
R.I.P.
But anyways yeah he told me that story.
He also told me when he worked at the fucking porn shop and he was the fucking jizmapper
at the Jerk Off Booth.
Oh we shouldn't have named this character.
I'm not.
Is that...
It was a job.
All jobs need to be done dude.
Do you want to go in a Jerk Off Booth where the fucking jizmapper is on strike?
I wouldn't.
How would you know?
Well I mean...
Listen guys are horny.
They go in there.
You would want the fucking...
I mean listen you've been...
Clean occasionally.
If you...
Okay you're a married man.
Okay.
I don't know what guys are like because...
You know you understand horny anymore.
It's so long.
You're an old man.
You're almost 60.
You're like God man.
You don't understand horny anymore.
So if you get to that point where you have to go to a Jerk Off Booth imagine a horny you
are.
And you gotta pull over.
Yeah dude seriously man.
They make Jerk Off Booth for truckers.
It's a horny the trucker you know what I mean.
Dudes rock.
They really do man.
I mean they'll pull their dick out and square booth and just whack it to a video.
And so everybody knows what you're doing in there.
Well yeah.
It's not like you're...
It's not like you go to fucking Waffle House and you just pull your dick out and jerk
off on the table.
Okay one time...
Hey listen.
Oh boy here we go.
You like this.
Oh I will.
We were on the tour for you know we were on the tour we were touring around the east coast
United States fucking upper midwest northern east coast.
It's not upper midwest technically east coast.
Yeah but you know from here to there.
New England.
Yeah and you know Cleveland and fucking Ohio.
The mistake on the lake.
Turbos used to say that.
What did he say?
The mistake on the lake.
Yeah.
And so I'm in this restaurant.
You can walk across Lake Erie.
Oh.
And we only were eating in these restaurants either it said food or eat.
And it kind of tells you what you want to do there.
And it didn't have any but if it had a name or brand name or title we didn't eat there.
It had to be the most stripped down generic place.
We were in Cleveland?
No we were on the whole tour we did this.
I don't remember what city we were in or town I should say because we were in between places.
Breakfast was in the morning.
We stopped somewhere along the highway for breakfast.
We saw a place that just said breakfast or eat or something.
Well you can kind of tell a restaurant by the outside of it's exterior.
And so we went in there and they had shit on a shingle on the menu.
Oh man.
Chip beef?
Well anyways this is for getting your side tracking me.
No.
So anyways I get in the fucking um.
Shit on a shingle.
I'm in the bathroom to take a little horse bath so I'm completely fucking naked and I'm
washing up.
Pissed on you?
In a fucking uh.
Horse bath.
You know in a little in a bathroom in a fucking in this little restaurant and I'm fucking
totally naked and I'm washing my balls in the fucking sink.
Why would you get totally naked?
Because man we were on the road and I was fucking.
You should pull your pants down.
Was washing off the whore from the fucking night before and shit dude.
The whore from like before.
That's your memoir.
You're traveling you know and uh some guy some man in his little boy command like you
and your son maybe.
Oh hey what the fuck don't make a person.
Three, four years ago the kid was you know like a four year old or something five year
old and uh I'm fucking completely naked now like ah fuck man in the fucking man just turns
around with the kid and walks out.
Yeah you think.
Shit so I finish washing up and I get dressed and I walk out and I'm laughing and I'm like
man that those people right there that man and that child with that family.
Yeah they saw my dick and balls in my ass.
Yeah they just fucking came in the bathroom.
No they didn't come in the you were taking a shower in a public bathroom.
Well here's the thing though.
No here's not the thing it's a public place.
I needed to get through.
You're not a homeless person.
I was though.
At that point in time you were.
You were on tour yeah.
You were living in a van down by the river.
Kissing dudes for quarters.
Ah man.
More than a quarter so.
Yeah maybe a couple fucking nutty bars.
My wife is going to be bringing a nutty bar.
Yeah but she is.
Yeah.
And those are like hey are you going to hit that or what?
No I'm putting it away because.
I'm not worth it.
Sorry.
Yeah I'm right.
I'm going to light one of these roaches man.
Do you ever play the guitar?
Guitar?
Guitar yeah.
My ex-girlfriend had one.
It was like a fun instrument.
And it was fun and it was cool.
It was a Roland.
Yeah.
The color was it.
It was red.
Oh like fucking Van Halen.
Van Halen had a red one?
Yeah.
Van Halen had a guitar?
Yeah.
You're kidding me.
I don't think so.
I don't even ever read that.
I don't want to shit you you're my favorite turd.
Ah.
The first time I heard that joke.
Ah fuck off.
Keep going Larry I'm going to look it up right now.
So yes.
Yeah and it was cool when you worked the thing on the neck it was like a metal strip so you
could finesse it and get like wiggles like you're bending the strings and shit.
And then it had another little lever up on the neck little portion that was just a bar
like tremolo or sustain or some shit.
Like a fucking what do you call it?
A whammy bar?
Not really because it was more like.
Yeah look at that motherfucker was red motherfucker.
Look at it.
Yeah that was the one I had man.
Did you put in your ass ever?
No.
Well she played it.
Yeah.
No wait mine wasn't like that.
This isn't mine man.
Look up a Roland.
Why do you look up a Roland asshole?
I don't know how to do all that.
I just showed you a fucking old red guitar and you said no.
That's not the one.
But it was red.
It was red but it wasn't that tight.
Holy shit man.
Jesus literally are you going to take another phone call?
Yeah what's up man.
Come on man what are you doing?
Nothing man.
What's that?
It's Mark.
Inforth?
Yeah.
How you doing inforth?
Me and Needle.
Oh yeah who's there Mike?
Yeah me and Needle are doing a Larry and Needle's episode.
What are you up to?
Yeah.
No no what are you up to?
You should come over man.
What's he up to?
Ask him what he's up to.
Yeah what are you up to?
I'm about to grab a day.
Grab a day huh?
Is it pure fennel?
Pure fennel?
Yeah yeah it's only the purest for me.
We got that big foot.
Ask him what he's doing.
Tell him to come over.
Yeah.
We got food.
I'm too busy guys.
Oh you're too busy what?
I think I can make it tonight.
Yeah flick it in your little wiener head.
Ah man.
Yeah no I could probably come by man.
Okay we'll get food.
You gonna be there awhile?
Yeah we'll get food and we have weed.
Alright alright yeah I'll be there.
Alright cool I love you.
I'll ask you a little bit.
Yeah.
Oh man come on over and forth.
Yeah.
I know I'm feeling young.
Okay see you later man.
Alright later.
Okay cool.
Alright and now this is the end of the Larry and Needle show because our greatest guest
is gonna come over and we need to prepare.
Yeah we're gonna have a guest coming up but that doesn't mean we gotta end right now.
Oh we need an hour?
I had the wrong one.
An hour?
Oh yeah I thought we hit an hour.
We're close to an hour.
Oh okay.
We got a few more minutes.
You ever kiss your cousin?
My cousin?
Yeah.
Well it's funny you say that.
Yes or no.
No because it was but it was third cousin.
A cousin of a cousin.
Yeah so third cousin yeah third cousin.
That wasn't connected to me by blood.
But they knew that you were their cousin.
Oh yeah.
Yeah so I mean yeah.
I did that yeah a lot of times.
You were like those fucking the genealogy hunter.
We had certain family parties I couldn't wait to go to when I was a kid.
Oh man this guy keep him away from your cousin and your aunt.
Oh man one time I fucking speaking of aunt I thought it was my it was our drummer's mom
and my drummer old drummer my old band.
Yeah.
I used to party with this kid's aunt you know and fucking she liked me and shit.
Used to party with this kid's aunt.
Yeah.
How old were you and how old was she?
I don't know I was like I was about I know how old I was I was about like third.
Dude Larry how long have you been alive?
I'm 98 years.
Yeah.
67 years.
I was I was like 30 years old.
Okay.
And how old so she had to be in her 60s.
No no no no.
Oh she was like 15.
Once I started throwing numbers out you're like no no no.
She was like 49.
No no not even.
How old?
This kid this kid Matt was much younger than me in fact he was your age.
Yeah.
My age 46.
Was one of your schoolmates I'm not gonna say his last name because I don't want to do
a beatbox.
I mean I don't want to edit you anyways.
We're getting lazy here.
Yeah anyways fucking I thought his I thought it was his aunt she came to one of our shows
and I used to you know and so I slide across the table and you're lucky with his funkle.
Listen no listen and I slide across the booth and I stick my tongue in her mouth.
Ew.
You know and start making out of there.
Then you got her piece.
She looked at me all shocked and then I look and I realize that you're why is she acting
all weird and then later I say to my buddy I go hey man I saw your aunt here and she's
acting like weird tonight and he goes my aunt's not here that's my mom and I'm like oh my god.
Yeah.
I just stuck my tongue in my friend's mouth.
She has a tracheotomy.
I made out with her throat hole.
You wanted to rip a heater while you made out with her.
And so yeah that was that.
Dude okay so if you put your dick in a chik's tracheotomy hole.
Is it really still are you fucking kidding me.
It's while you kiss her.
It is fucking throat hole.
That's great.
You think.
You think there's a genre of porn out there like that.
I'm sure there is.
Okay that's it for the.
No you don't have to make it come to this great show.
You're so fucking dumb.
No it's not dumb.
I fucking my brain works in different ways.
Yeah one way it works.
Guys patronizing me now.
Listen if you're an American stick with needles.
May.
Could you throw me some of them.
This is staying indefinitely.
Oh man my wife is pretending she can't hear me now.
Why.
Okay she says what.
I mean she doesn't because she's got all the MMS towards ourselves.
Yeah I know.
She doesn't want to share.
I know.
I mean Jesus Christ you're lucky you're still alive after driving with her.
I know.
My fucking lawyer is the worst driver ever.
Yeah my lord is his lawyer the worst driver ever.
Huh.
My lord is.
My lord is his lawyer.
Your lord and savior.
Jesus.
Yeah my lord and savior Jesus.
Jesus Christ.
He's a great driver.
How do you know?
Is he drinking so much?
Because man he knows what he's doing.
I mean that'd be great if he had Jesus Uber.
This is the end of the Larry and Needles episode.
No it's not the end right now because I want to look kind of driver Jesus.
Thank you for tuning in.
We appreciate it.
This is egregious.
What kind of driver is Jesus?
We'll see you next time.
No not at all.
Thank you very much.
I'll hit the space bar when this motherfucker wants to.
What kind of driver is Jesus Larry?
Come on.
You're a man.
Only driver.
We're in her face.
Holy driver.
Larry and Needles show.
Let me in need a show