time to get ready for the Larry and Needle show
you know what I mean? yeah yeah
the couch amazing yeah alright
yeah sit here and Michael grab that other mic right there
so I was just telling my dad
we looked up the Disneyland poster
oh yeah it was like a couple jeans
brand new
well no look in the 70s though
60s it was from the 60s or 70s
like 1971 or 1970
and that specific poster
hey you want to go check the mics really quick
huh yeah
you need a table or something big Joe
no I'm fine
gonna smoke some weed you want to get high
I'll have a few hits
I've been laying off I've been doing good
see now here's the conundrum
we smoke weed on Michael off
well life is life
life is life we do what we do
we're all gonna enjoy ourselves to some extent right
too much of everything is just enough
I'll be sure not to tell any dirty jokes or stories
hopefully he's still that's the whole point of this
I can't do that
we can just pass one around
are we hot right now?
yeah
Shalom
let's them gain
oh the board game I was telling you about
Hitler won did you see that when I sent you
no it's amazing that they make board games now
where it's about Auschwitz and you can raise a regimen
and sort of that communist and what shall I say
altruistic belief is that the right terminology
I shit my phone's on I apologize
so do you have a lighter?
I just saw in the Costco magazine
this lady wrote a book about
hunting Hitler
yeah that's what they're watching
besides that this is another
a couple whose parents were from that era
they don't believe Hitler's dead either
they think he went to Argentina or some American country
right Jojo?
I was telling Joey
he probably heard a ton of these stories
when I was a kid
the propaganda bullshit was out there like crazy
and even back then
after the war
now I'm about
when the war ended I'm about 6 years old
so I know what's going on I know about the victory gardens
all of this bullshit
McCarthyism didn't come to the 50s
so now they're talking about Hitler
maybe he isn't dead even back then
there was no, I never listen to news on the radio
I'm a kid what do I give a shit
especially when it's centralized on one ass right there
but I did catch the fact that he was a painter
and in my little mind I'm thinking
house painter I don't know artists
so now I'm on my guard
and I'm going to walk in and here's this guy with his little mustache
he's going to be painting you know
like a little paint mustache
hey you missed his spot over there
I mean back then they weren't sure that he was dead
so we just did his Nazi salute
oh yeah wait a second
this is fucking Larian Needles right
Larian Needles show
featuring my dad
oh okay I'm saying welcome to Big Joe
thanks for being with us Big Joe
your gentleman and among gentlemen
how do you feel about your first born being gay Joe
hahahahahaha
what
he never came out
maybe witches
oh I wish
your poor wife
tough to explain the insurance company when your AZT runs out
that's funny
what does that mean
the AIDS medication
so
you're the guy that's eating you
all about the fucking AIDS medication
Jesus Christ
we were talking about hot dogs before
Big Joe where do you like hot dogs
well when I was a kid every corner stand
a true Chicago hot dog
is not a pickle it's a cucumber
a slice of cucumber and then celery salt
they don't even know what that is out here
it had the flavor and taste to it
and the idea is you didn't want him to wrap it
you know what I mean he would give it to you on the paper open
it wasn't crushed it wasn't
so it doesn't fucking get all mushy and shit
it was the guy that we would go by he had a truck
what the fuck is that with the things on the bread
oh the poppy seeds
no poppy seeds oh yeah that's nice
poppy seeds is cool
I don't know about cool but I mean it's a fucking bun
I like when all of them you know there's a lot in the bag
and you just dump them in your mouth
and you know the drug test from his poppy seeds
yeah right
no you will it's the same thing
I saw him on Zyphel
people are full of shit when they say that
Elaine failed the drug test
cause she was having a poppy seed
that was a TV show
good luck telling your PO that
you get drugged
kick with enough to drag in the hole
I had a bagel already
and when you get a hotdog at the beach
aside from the sand in there
like North Avenue beach and stuff
that's the first time I ever saw a ground mustard
you know or a tan you know
and that's all I gave you on those
the mustard in there out the door was horrible
well I eat them like that
I'll have it just mustard
you're hungry enough you're gonna eat them
I hear the mustard in hot peppers
I mean fuck nothing else
no that guy the time you did the thing
that goes out of music that dog doctor
that was a pretty good dog he had
they're not bad
I just never think to go up there
for a fucking hot dog
remember we went there whatever
a fucking hot dog talk I mean come on
nothing better than a good hot dog
would you like to talk about it
are you insinuating I'm gay
well now I went to Portillo's yesterday
got two hot dogs in an order of fries
and it was almost $12 so
damn that's fucking outrageous
we got a pizza
we got a piece of cake and a slice of pizza
and a can of coke
and any of that fucking box
yeah give them a $5 tip
you tipped them when we went in there
just because they know me
you know what I mean they know fucking
I don't tip them when I pick up
you threw it in the jar there
no I put it on my card
so they spread it amongst the fucking
that's different I don't know
fucking working in a pizza place stinks
I know
how do you know do you work through one
no but when we were kids
you know Wershing had his
when we were kids he worked in the pizza joint
when he cut his
when he cut his finger
and they bullshitted him and said
ooh you better not
say anything because you're underage
oh my gosh
was it 1982
yeah
it was working in Soparo's pizza
it was a wild fucking west basically
to this, to the day he died
his finger was fucked up
and he played guitar in our band
and it became useless
and then he eventually switched the bass
and he learned to do it and then he played
guitar again but he pretty much did it
with just the three fingers
in this one middle ring finger
like a nob or a fucking dead finger
bent down where it couldn't
straighten out at all
dude he could get like a thing
you tend to make a mark
I used to get a press on the back
of it because it couldn't straighten out
they reconnected the tendon
and didn't do it
they reconnected it and that's what happened
it got worse than before
it wasn't successful
it was gonna lose its fuck
it was a bad deal for him
yeah it was like
this fucking guy got fucking shrimp finger up
it was all curled up
and shit
but he still managed to play the guitar
yeah he did
like he was fucking with Jerry Garcia
he had four fingers right
I don't know
he had some
he had a deformity
some was wrong
something with the hippie
that's all that matters
oh god
uncle John's birthday today
he turned 88
and I texted him
just like the car
the old josh mobile
and there used to be
88 and 98
old josh mobile
yeah yeah yeah
so I texted him and he texted back
he said you're the only one who knows what that means
well you would have known
but only because of you
they were prevalent
he turned 88 too
dad had adult 88
98
the 98 was the big one
he had the big one
all the bells and whistles on it
and he had
they always were
and the reputation
that became that of an old man
and the brand died
and he was
Buick's is the same way
but they were able to save them
Pontiac went the way
they were there
so the Pontiac didn't make it
but that's right though
he was a funny duddy guy
remember he had those dorky by vocals
and he was bald with the rim going around
Crap
yeah
kid from England I was in the band with him
little nicky in the perverts
remember when Denison Maureen came over
and
mom was so pissed off
because we decided to have our band practice
oh like the house
yeah and Nick
and we didn't have a microphone back then
so we would put the recorders
and Nick still didn't have a shirt on
exactly
we put the tape recorder in the room
with Nick
and then he would sing in your workroom
and then the band would be
in the other in the basement
part and so but the mix
was perfect with him yelling his brains out
in the workroom and I was singing about
what were they singing about again Joey
he was going to remind us
motherfucker and you know
and then he gets sexual
oh so we're probably sitting right above him
in the kitchen
it was one of the first times Denison Maureen came over
and the next day
mom was like I am so
embarrassed
you guys what the hell
you know she was
she was fucking pissed
Nick was just fucking
you know stream of profanity
but they were the coolest couple you want to know
how old was he though
we were young
we were young we've known them
he's talking about getting sexual
40 years we've known them
you know over 40 years
they were in our life
it was the first time they came over
I met him
even before he was married
to Maureen
they might have just been married
but he was a crazy guy
oh my god
who's that? Dennis
our husband
he was cool as shit
he still is
yeah he did a lot of crazy shit
oh my gosh
we probably shouldn't use names
we just won't say
we won't say anymore what he did
we'll blip out his name
we should have flashcards
we're still learning big jokes
we're gonna do everything
we bleep out those names
Nick's just gonna stand over in the corner with his shirt off
with cards reminding us what to do
he's gonna be a producer
we should have said the things he did
he was amazing
what do you think about life foot?
oh jeez
with the laughing stock of the country
are you kidding?
somebody gets murdered on the day she gets
pushed out that cop
which is the last time it's happened in how long
you know what I mean that's pretty fucking sad
18 years old the guy killed them
18
in front of a bunch of school kids
and shit
and you know what that neighborhood
was a strong
strong neighborhood years ago
and what happened there
the blacks never came in there
it was taken over by the Mexicans
in spanish
but a different you know a hard working
people in there
if you see videos or drone or something
you see the neighborhoods clean you know what I mean
the guy lived two blocks from where he got killed
you know
so it was a heavily
a white
nice beautiful single family dwellings
years ago when
we were really young Danny and I
we worked for a company
a company called California's Best
it was a home juice delivery company
remember home juice delivery?
liquid juice?
orange juice, pineapple
went right to the door
what year was this?
let's see now
this has got to be
shit
it's got to be 50
57, 56
around in there
and the home juice delivery was a huge
industry there was a company called
home juice
years ago they still sell it in the store
I'll bet they do
and their whole premise was
you know you go I count
like overwice they deliver that shit
exactly but this was you come
you put your empty out there
you got the pre-ordered
or if he wants extra
so Danny and I
were route builders
you know what I mean
we would go to
like cold calling like Alex is doing but not that sophisticated
the deal was
you buy this
you buy this talk about trust
this wouldn't fly today
today you buy this bottle of juice
for me for a dollar
and next week we'll deliver one free
oh shit
but people trusted you back then
the juice is certainly
worth a dollar you're not getting hurt
so him and I would build
you know build a route
before we got our own route
that was the deal until you got your own route
and it was a big
industry you know
delivery was like that
once the people around this route they're getting juice every fucking day
every and once they call
they come home on vacation
and they're like wow
so the point I'm making
the neighborhood was solid
you can get out on the corner and you're not going to run into
any ethnic group other than
the white polish people
despite a midway it's a solid area
you know
and now you know it didn't go black
it went to these people you know
spalling is around Kedzie and the 5300 south
it was a very nice
neighbor's the point that I was making
you know it was very nice
but it was a fun
a fun thing to do you know
because he'd be on one side of the street
and I'd be on the other side and you know
I did do it
we were knocking
did you sell your routes or what?
did you build your routes up and then you sold them
no no we worked for a company
we built a route up
and then when you paid your dues
doing that shit then they would give you a route
not necessarily where you were
but most of it was
on all those cottages around the south side
which was a blessing for me
because I got to know Chicago like
you can't believe you know
I had all kinds of opportunities
like that
it was fucking awesome huh right back then
we each had our own truck and we'd be
smashing into one another
we were crazy this guy Danny I still see him
I talked to him he calls me
he lives in Michigan City
I was his best man and I went there
for a surprise 80th birthday party
about four years ago
exactly four years ago because
they were all basketball stars
when we were kids we would go visit them
and we would go to the park
and all they would want to do is play basketball
and they were like what the fuck is wrong
with you know me and Nick
they'd be like what the fuck is wrong with these two
they can't play basketball
so all they do is play music
he's like a celebrity
in Michigan City everybody
knows him because his kids played
he played a some
ball too but one of his
sons was in a European League you know
so he lives in Breeze
basketball he's about 6'3
that's a big dude
we look like
kids are taller though right Jeff
imagine if we go to the bad dude
he's got 1 9 7
7 7
6 7
at the birthday party was like
the basement of a restaurant
and the guy could not straighten up
and he was like over here he'd have to be ducking down
in this little spot you know
this fucking thing is like
very sure I mean he's 6 7
no yeah but he had to
this is only like
6 11
he had to be
he'd feel even though he'd just be making it
he'd feel like
you think this ceiling is 6 11
yeah because
with the drop no
that's no 6
I want to go
maybe 6 5
6 6
because here's the thing the PA
speakers are 7 feet tall
and I got to put him in between the fucking
oh so you're putting him between
the false ceiling so yeah there's 6 5
how much is sticking up in there
a couple inches
about 3 4 fucking inches
but that was a yeah
the point is that was a very nice neighborhood
and that's a bad thing to happen
to that guy who's that
that policeman that guy
and you know what
he shot the guy in the mouth
I'm sure once the guy recovers
he'll be suing them for disfiguring
his face he shot
him a couple times on the ground didn't he
I don't know
he was on the ground yeah so
it was a good shot and he was having a domestic
beef with his girlfriend who is 37
and he's 18
it's like he's going out with his mother
the bitch is probably younger
I mean probably
and you know what
domestics are the number one killer of
you know I remember
cops coming in the shooter
telling me stories you know
this one guy Teddy was a Greek guy
he was a
he was a fucking maniac you know nervous
wreck
he said if I had a rookie growing on the domestic
I would put him in front of
you said he was a shield
he was like here you go rookie
and what he would do too
he would he would hawk shoes
you know my closeouts
and shit like that I would give to him
because he also took cash for
these trucks remember
the cusher trucks used to go around dairy
something or other
you remember the cusher trucks
you remember the bells ringing
like an ice cream truck
yeah yeah they didn't sell
hard ice cream they sold that shit
so
I forget the name of the company but he would
take the cash when all the drivers came
in and he'd be selling them shoes
you know he was pretty enterprising
but he would say how he
hated the domestic he said I'd rather go out
on the shooting cus if the guy
don't get you the girl might
you gotta watch out you should change your fucking mind on your
they'll turn on you you mind me
you know there are you know what's going on
he comes out with a fucking butter knife and you catch one right in the shank
oh my god yeah it's crazy
so big joe you still in the shoe store
yeah my gosh
yeah but I did
10,000 things before I got there
well when I got out of the service
this is an interesting one
because
I became and you guys
are too young for this too there used to be
a debit insurance man
who would come to your house on a
bi-monthly or monthly
period and collect the premiums
okay you know what I mean
instead of the mail hand collect them
hand collect the book like this
it was the size of a phone book
they used to give you for the like your car
payment you say of that
exactly but I'm coming to the house
in the interim I'm looking around
to see if any little kids are growing up
and say oh does Mike have insurance
now you know I'm peddling
cus that's why I make my money
you know so but the point I'm making
I got to see
a mixture of homes because I'm in their houses
you know you went door to door
well wherever my customer was
I went there you know
I could smell in the hall always what they're having
for dinner you know it was so cool
and there was blacks and there was
whites and there was Mexican
and I remember things like
the potbelly stove
and the hot steel
iron they're using the black girl lady
is going to straighten out her little girl's
hair you know so just like
we're sitting talking here and she's over there
and I'm sitting over here and just as casual
as we're talking you know
I'm watching her
put that thing in her hair you know what I mean
so I mean I'm in the
I got to meet
in my time I've been to gypsy's houses
oh you gotta watch out for them
I got on there you know because of the
shoot sir they were amazing
amazing a group of people
but I got to see all
shifty though pardon me
shifty oh come on
but
so on the rest of K that they're easily
to manipulate you know what I mean
it's like
I had them well under control
first of all when they walked in
the shoot sir I took the price
off the box you know
and I jacked it up fifty bucks because they're
going to chop me down you know so it was
a big song and dance but anyways
with this insurance job
on rainy days you had to go door to door
and get new customers you know
so I would
go door to door in
Cabrini green
my hand to God
if I'm lying I'm dying
no days you'd have to be scared anywhere in the city
it didn't matter you know
these guys were home during the day they were easy
to sell
but they were lapsed to premium you know what I mean
and then I would get charged back I made
a lot of money and
we had two rates
basically premium a thing
twenty five hundred
if you die loss of limb fifteen hundred
one of the kids could run over you know
it covered all the bases you know
and it's ninety nine cents a week the guy's
going you know what I mean so you gotta
get as many weeks out of them as you can
you know you can't get five weeks
as well we need five weeks you're walking out
with you know two dollars if you're you know what I mean
because they're going to kick out
because in two or three weeks they're not
the picture is gone
they're not going to pay
one of the kids gets run over I don't care
that much
you know but it was
the point I make though I'm soliciting
well let's mouth the feed right
I'm soliciting in
in a black all black building
it was all black at that time and if I was
in a Spanish neighborhood and I will always
say this American national
your free gift you know it was
American National Insurance Company
I gave them a free coloring book it was about
the best
so in Mexico they got people to take it
to Seguro hombre
insurance man you know I gotta learn a little
talk and speak in Spanish
to get your money
so you know so that was a great
experience and I got to be in these
people's homes you know the Polish people
whose back porch is our bleach from
scrubbing them you know ours was
painted gray they had no more paint
on the stairs they were just
bleach from scrubbing them they were
amazing you could put
without a doubt you put your food down
to clean it up the swale tooth on the steps
so it was like a little bowl
it was a pretty soup man
awesome
so it was so cool doing
that stuff and now it's happening in real
time I don't think it's cool but it was cool
and I'm sure I tell you this story you
being a cat person I'm going in the
hallway I'm coming up an
enclosed hallway and
right at the apex of where the ceiling
is the guy put a flat
board and a couple of
plants and shit up there you know what I mean
so I got a you don't know what I mean
I'm going up the stairs
and now as I come to
a certain portion where
the second landing comes down
he put a shelf there
so he could put
maybe a plant tomatoes or some
bullshitter or whatever no no tomatoes
it's a dark it's not
it's not getting any light a day
so I'm going up the stairs and I'm in
my thought and I got my big book on my hand
and here the cat
was hiding up there jumps on
he comes at me I whacked
with the book he slams
against the wall and slides down
I turn around and leave I'm not going to be
what are you going to do
I don't even know how that turned out I never
seen the little jag off again you know
they got nine lives for sure
I certainly used one of them up
no because I whacked that sucker
it was like a cartoon
he hit the wall and slid down
he attacked you he came at you what are you going to do
you know is she a person that is
that bad cat
no I mean with the fucking little ass
claws they
you got rabies shots and shit
they don't know they're that small
I know
they're fucking slice you up in shit
yeah fucking cut the fuck out of you
man little bastard I hate cats
not a cat cat
so I kind of love Chicago
because of those reasons you know
getting to see all that shit it was a
it was a nice place to grow up
man
and also this is
it was even great when I was a little boy
it was it was still nice
he'd been in his little ass
old car you know with the ding
I was out there by himself
he's like three or something
or maybe four hours and hours
and he'd go up and down the whole side of the house
he'd be on the corner all the
people don't they
they all knew
it was never a neighborhood
was starting to change
he couldn't insert that in there
but the thing was
it was a fine time
it wasn't this what's going on here
what's going on right now
I don't want to get into politics but I don't want to mention
any names Obama it's not fucking
politics I mean people are killing people
right that's what it boils down
everybody's it's not centralized
in any one area anymore
you know what I mean like it goes everywhere
and people are gonna fucking
why would you want to pay that much money
to live somewhere where it's just a shit
oh my gosh
so the thing is with my dad
you know when I would talk to him
I can't even imagine what it was like
like you guys listening to me
you have no idea what it was like
like grandpa had a horse and shit
yeah yeah
he had a little iron and his dad
was a peddler
they go down the alleys
and they're selling produce
and there's another guy picking up
it's a ragged
an old iron
ragged a lot
I never understood the years I'd be listening
like this I found
ragged an old iron
ragged a lot
ragged an old iron that's what he sold
no that's what he's collecting
he'll take paper
he'll take a wrapper
it was after the war
you threw nothing away
the cans when you got a bowl of soup
you took the other end of the can off
smashed it down
put the two lids inside and tied them in bundles
because we were losing this tin
that's why they took the nickel out of the nickel
I had
they replaced it with silver
I sold those nickels for like 8 cents each
because of the contents of the silver
so
everything was just
there just wasn't anything around
they had paper drives at school
you brought newspapers you know
it was a different time
it was amazing the closeness of the can
now we just give money to everybody
oh my god
you can't sustain yourself
I thought it was a story because the statute of limitations
has run out many many years ago
allegedly
when the story is over I'll say that again
the story was the tail end
of the ice box
you know what I mean
people were getting electric
the actual ice box
yeah with the fucking square
and dry ice in
no no no no no no dry ice
it was a square of fucking ice
the guy would have
say this card here
you'd put it like it's a second story
you'd have a 5, a 10, a 25
and a 50
designating the amount of pounds of ice you want
you follow what I'm saying
so this guy isn't deadheading it up there
on his back
he's got a leather thing over his shoulder
with ice
no no no that's just to protect him and he gets a thong
with one
not even both things like this he was able to
and put it on his back and he'd hump it up
the second floor
one block like the three stooges
yeah just like
yeah yeah yeah
it was on the fucking stooge
so if you remember our old house
as you walked out there was like
a ledge
a banister there but it was bricked in
yeah yeah
well that used to be a slider where the ice would go
oh no shit
and then it pushed it down and you opened it on the other side
when you come home
he's not waiting around
so then it was a big industry
ice trucks going down the alley
when you're kiddin' the summer
and you needed this shit
if you had food in your icebox
right right
the problem was
you had to have discipline
no water you don't need water but it's going to create water
yeah you gotta discipline empty the water
you gotta drip pans you can't be negligent
cause you can't run right to the floor
you can't run piping like we do or have a drain
exactly
Bessie still had one
the freezer
that's the only one I knew
my aunt had one but she just got a refrigerator
we always were fortunate enough
I don't remember
always having an electric refrigerator
which is crazy imagine
that switchin' over from fuckin'
I mean
to have power to your house all of a sudden
you don't have to bring ice up
it's amazing
absolutely amazing but that's just that one
novel change
changes everything
step forward and let along the light
at the turn of the century
you had to
fuckin'
chop pieces of wood
and get a fire going to get the hot water going
so everyone could take a bath
or a shower
well yeah there was no gas back then
no there was gas but everybody didn't have it
you know
we had it to the stove we didn't have a hot water
we had a hot water tank but
it was set up when I
make a fire in this little stove
somehow it hits the water in the tank
I don't know exactly how it worked
but that was my job
so that was pretty awesome
but now back to the coal
now the change is coming
and you could actually go to
a place and get out of your car
and walk over there
there's a coal bin at Dave's house in Elgin
a coal bin
if somebody had it in their basement
yeah he's gonna get it
you had to have him to keep the dust down
and then he went right in the basement of the big buildings
you couldn't go down there
so what was I saying
I was saying the coal
oh right
now they also have places where you could go
get your own ice
you get out of your car
you go there you put the money in the slot
push it in and a block of ice will come out
it wouldn't shoot out
a leather flap
the ice comes out
I've seen one of them on a movie
you don't want to put a little billy in front of that thing
he's a goner
so now the company
was Jefferson Ice Company
in the winter time
they delivered oil
because now only rich people had oil
we had coal when we moved
that's where my rabbits
would go to
have babies and shit in there
they delivered a coal to Don
they'd smash them
my dad killed one in the door
what was the fuck that thing doing
I think I'm gonna respond to this stupid
so now you got
the scenario
the piece of ice comes out
and then they got some right on
flush with the sidewalk
you could just
pull up in your car on Lake Street where the
elevator is above it
the L run on above it
a dark scene beautiful
and then they got one there
they've got them around the city
so
I don't know how this came about
and how I was the designated guy
but I was designated to go
up the chute
of the elevator now
you could imagine what all of this ice
what it's doing to this wooden chute
it's splintered it's soak and wet
so you got a
weasel up there
a little rat to get in there
and then you get the runway you got designated
right I was a little guy
I wasn't even 10
so now
child labor it works
so I go up there
I was
so I would crawl up the chute
make sure no cars are around nobody's coming
crawl up the chute and get myself
behind it and I had myself
a small crowbar
Jimmy opened the door
how small of a crowbar cause you were a little guy
so you get down
you know there's little hands
Jojo think about it he's like this
he's got a little crowbar
this has got to be 40
where do you go buy a baby crowbar
47 or 48
what store sells that
so I go up there and I get the thing
I open it up and I get the money
I have no idea how much money
it was I don't even remember
the other guy all I remember
is getting out of my house
and going to this thing here I thought it was
a big clandestine thing
so now I'm branching out
I'm going to go to this other one on Lake Street
somebody would ride me
on the bike
and then
he's supposed to be out there
on the handlebars
but bar on the side you would sit
side saddle like you know
I remember one time my brother was riding
me we were going to Grandin Harlem
from when we lived on Hamlin Avenue
this is like a day trip
my leg falls asleep
my shoe falls out I don't know it
it falls off my dad's gun
now he's going to kill me I'm going to go home with one shoe
but I digress
so this is a nice little
cottage engine streaming getting my money
and I'm actually buying toys
that's how young I am
I'm not going everybody pizza
I bought myself a pair of nice
Tom Mix Gun set
you know what I mean
shot the round caps
not the script one
you get killed with that
miss firing those you had
six and two of them they were beautiful
I'm sure my dad must have sold them
but so now
I'm doing this one on Lake Street
and this is right the sidewalk
is right there and it's kind of a low
shoot you know
a dangerous situation
the scenario was so I go up there
and I do it I did my thing
I jimmy it open I get my coins
a lot of coins you know
and
I'm coming out of the thing
and I push open the flap
and right in my face
is a dog
a big dog with a man
attached to it you know
the dog was so stunned
seeing me the little
Jagoff was locked in time
you know he couldn't even move
out of the shoot and I took off
running in the guy was like
what the hell
how about you get away with that
again I don't know the amount
but that is amazing because I mean
I think it's supposed to dispense ice
kids are coming out you know
and it's 15 and a nickel
and 20 cents there's a lot of dimes
and nickels it's heavy
and you've got very few solid
quarters you know I mean
because you could put a mix of change until
you come out you know
there's no dollar bills in it it's all
change it's heavy
you thought you had the whirl on the string
and then remember being on top of the garage
you know I supposed to be in bed now
I crawl out I
I lived I slipped
in an attic of
where we lived you know
and at night
it'd be so hot in there
at night I would crawl out over this peak
portion to get to the
roof the flat part
over the porch
and I'd sleep there my brother
and I by myself
how high was it
it was the first floor
10 feet if you felt it
yeah maybe 15 feet
you're gonna get hurt
that's still enough to dive
so now I discovered I could take it
a step further and shimmy down
the roof under the railing
and then I'm out
they think I'm sleeping
now I'm
8 9 or 10
I'm telling you
I was like a throwaway
was like they had enough kids
so now I remember being
on top of the garage that my dad
was building and giving up
the money whoever the other guy was
and I still didn't fuck whoever was
yeah I did the crawling motherfucker
where were you when I came out of the shoe
I'm a long way from home
on Lake Street
that's not the fun
and in those days
if you were out late and you're wandering
the cops would stop you
really? yeah they say something to you
you knew which cars the guy was an asshole
you know so you kind of avoid them
so tight knit and you kind of like
there were what? tight knit sort of
you know what I mean? very much so
the cops would patrol one they were beat cops
technically yeah well they weren't beat
but they were
like when you came out of the shoe
and the dog was there
where the fuck was your friend that was on the bike
exactly
if he was there for the splitting area
you know what I mean?
he didn't say hey
I remember his name but I can't remember
the guy wasn't even a telly and his name was Jerry Sharkey
he was a bad kid
he was a fucking name like Jerry
I mean come on
if you're married
and Ante Arlene had a crush on the guy
this guy?
Ante Arlene had a crush on Jerry
sounds like he's got a mom tattoo
not again I said
maybe four years older than me
thinks he could really take advantage of me
14 year old making a 10 year old
setting up a shoot for change
and then I come back when I to get in
not really I mean you gotta take advantage of
your labor I mean
and in the middle it wasn't my idea
well no that's what I'm saying
I think he can go along with it
he's gonna be like no and then they're gonna kick his ass
he probably got sent up there by someone when he was a kid
I don't know I think he was in
reform school
I mean he was
fucking name like Sharkey
just mention the name to Ante Arlene
you don't know exactly who you're talking about
he lived in the building on the corner
you know from me
but I mean to do that
when I think about that
putting my life in jeopardy
it was so stupid
if a block of ice came down while I'm in the shoe
you would have been fucking smashed
the momentum that just
crushed her ass off
I've been smashed
the ice is behind me
I don't even know how far it's coming from
it's a big ice house
this ice is being made as we speak
and it was clear nice shit
it wasn't that cloudy stuff
yeah it was nice ice
and in the summer you try to get
a piece of ice while he's up there making
his delivery you couldn't cut it
like he could you know
he'd go ding ding ding ding
and the big thing would fall apart you know
because he's weighing it he looks at the sign
he weighs it up you know and knows how much
he's got to bring up there
I have no idea what it was a pound
but that was the tail end of that
here comes electric now
I mean gas
and electric refrigerators
the old refrigerators were so stupid
we were in Newport
Bieston Vanderbilt built a house out there
that
one guy the news guy is a family
Vander
Anderson Cooper
he's a badass tank
Gloria Vanderbilt
and his yeah
their grandparent
her granddad built a house out there
to turn of the century
I mean it's absolutely
but he wasn't sure this new
fangled electric thing
so he put both electric
and gas running to all the
oh Jesus
he didn't know if it was going to take hold
every fixture's got dual
setup yeah like okay
dual purpose isn't that something
he didn't know if this new thing would like to go out there
I mean imagine the money that would have
fucking come out of the standard
but it's a beautiful fixture
it's amazing but he was probably thinking
I'm building this beautiful house if this electricity
thing doesn't catch on
I better have the gas
he didn't have enough faith
in the thing you think a man that bright
was that new though
gas in front of the house
and the old lamps that would be
on the street side oh man
the bulbs will burn out do you remember those
well no I don't know where you saw that
that city never had that that was after my time
we had one right in front of our house
that was like
and our property it was like a lamp
on your property somebody that was a
personal touch yeah
they just out in the room
not gas it was gas
it was gas you had to have gas
I might have saw gas lamps
in Germany I'm sure
because they did
you know I was so fucked up
and drunk and everything I don't know exactly
but it's a good chance I did
because they might have said hey look at that it's
old time and I was like
wow you know what sucks is
they didn't have I had a fucking flip
phone back in those days when I was going
to no camera yeah you know
which is good
yeah but it would have been nice to have some pictures
from that yeah it stirs up memories
on my phone what comes up
is uh five years ago
yeah yeah I like
the memories and I like that
I mean I just got one popped up
my israel trip that's so cool
I just learned how to fucking turn
Siri off it's like your phone
reminding you to have a here you go
these are your good times I'm sick of that
I'm listening to me what's that
Siri it's always gonna listen to
I we're talking on microphones
right now yeah I'm not worried about
what I'm worried about
what that bitch is listening to but no years ago
in the 1850s in the
they had lamp lighters
they weren't you gotta go around
pick up the panel and light you know
I mean what the hell you know what I mean
it's light in the city it's a fucking
they weren't that high
most of the city was black
come night time it was dark
so what the river shits in the big
parks right like maybe the downtown
area they had the lamp lighter come
and the park so people could enjoy
the park like London
London oh my gosh
they're probably pretty lit up
how the river shit do you know
now it is but back in the day I
was not this is a lot of darkness
if you want river it was in white
if you want to be lit up you'll be
lit up if you don't want to be lit up
you know what I mean
the prostitutes that they show
I kind of like those fucking
what's that the fat prostitutes
to Jack the Ripper killed
how do you know this because I see pictures
that I watch all the TV shows
about here say or this is what you enjoy
I don't know
they say here's Mary
Parker he killed her and they show her
you know she looks just like
a typical
street walk I don't know what that means
first she said
when she was kind of fat they look
I like them
okay the fucking hooker said he killed her
there was a weird statement
for them Kate
like the hooker
they're kind of fat
they're not like that
he's been hanging out at the manhole
did you ever see that bitch
after she was family the hooker
oh yeah yeah the big one
oh my gosh she's here
what did she say
she's like glow job
she was in the hospital
they wouldn't let him leave
the man had to pick him up
and she said her kid is at the school
she goes to the board meeting
she blows the principle
oh my gosh that is hysterical
that program
it's very funny
it's so great and it's the guy's life
you know
his dad was born
the dad's born in 1937
so he's talking about his dad
all that in the past
then when his dad finally comes
and visits and then dies
the guy's probably
yeah
which was like grandpa Joe
yeah
did you
yeah
yeah that was weird
all that trouble
but that's
that's not alone
there's a lot of people that are like that
it's a tough one
but it's a good program
that guy on the F is for family
it was not about his dad
you know how his dad screwed him up
I mean Jesus
what is fucking hilarious everybody's parents
in their 70s
dad's make their kids flinch
oh my gosh
he gets like 5 or 6 years old
oh my gosh
his dad's got like 3 ripped tops of fucking old style
I don't know where he can peel them back
and he just make them flinch
oh my god
little kids making cocktails and shit
9, 10 years old
they're crazy
first motorcycle accident I saw was at
a family party
with my mom's
friend
and he was way too lit
went to do a wheelie and just smashed on
really
with an old 80's
bike with a sissy bar on the back
did everyone did he get hurt
and shit
that's a lot of machines
it was hilarious
and then my mom's like
never ride a motorcycle
those sissy bars really hold you
like limbs
yeah
it's hilarious though
how things were
so dangerous and now everything's
so safe technically right
to some extent
I mean
can't hit kids anymore right
I don't know where I saw it
but everybody's
dumber is what it is
well now here's it
for instance with today
we just take the playgrounds
and back then
we had a thing called the monkey bars
sure it's literally
all pipes did you have that
yeah now this
this has got to be out
don't you remember
do we have it out here yeah
don't you remember we go to the school and fuck around
in the monkey bars
it's out school
they don't have it there anymore
they also had this
but a high slide
which it took me
a long time maybe a couple of
signers before I had the balls
to go up there
but it was two pipes Joe
with no
two big pipes nothing in the middle
you just straddle it like this
you couldn't fall through it unless you're a complete jerk
you know
but I mean you flew down
that sucker you know what I mean
now couldn't you imagine
something like that today
they specified everybody
I could
that would be cool
they had the regular slide with a couple of jag off
little dips you know
and you stop because it wasn't
it wasn't fair
it wasn't stupid
and then they had the big one
with the pipes
just the stairs
just the stairs alone are brutal
so like stairs and then two pipes holding the slide
the two pipes out of slide
they're just running out
and high bars like trapeze
so you gotta get all the way on the top
stair to get your legs down there
I mean you're high now
they should have had an age limit
I know I was too young
you're fucking committed now
you ain't going anywhere you couldn't get me
you need a fireman to get me down
be like a kid coming down those stairs
I'm scared of heights
so and it was
just two pipes out politically incorrect
and they ran them right into the ground
there was no
so your feet hit
you got up there
you're all rattled
it was like a death slide
it was like a street fucking down
how about Uncle John remembers
I'm a little bit of a dickin
he's a few years older me and that's the school
he went to so he played in that parking
I mean that and the playgrounds
were all stone gravel
oh Jesus Christ
you foul you got a skin
there's no two ways to put fucking nails in there
absolutely
and the sandbox which must have held so much disease
it was a structure
that had a nice roof
on it the same as the building where the
hot house was where you hung out
the hot house because they had heat
but the sandbox had this cover on it
and so the sand
was always moist the bacteria
and shit got in there
I don't ever remember being
exactly you know
to keep the cat piss out but
I don't know about that you don't want to keep it down
you don't want to go in the sandbox because cats are gonna shit in there
I suppose yeah
they like to bury their shit
yeah they said homeless people are probably shit
and then you get this moisture problem
and then what about
that other thing you spun around on
like a gravatron
and get a so fast you'd fly off
of it
that was a series of pipes
and a flat thing
yeah
and then the other thing where you run around
with the rope and they got the big thing
and the ropes and you run around and you
you take off
I mean that's some
1952's
I mean they show a war movie
like when they bomb Germany
that's what they see
the kids are playing with it
shit
they just like a bomb out
they like a bomb out city behind them
whatever you are
oh here it is
you just see like a city
bomb out behind them
I love the rope game
what's that big joke
I love to watch the old movies because
Ken Burns shit is good
oh my gosh the best
those pictures when he was
in Oklahoma and all that shit
the national parks one was good
the baseball one is good
prohibition was good
the jazz it's all good
the thing is
yeah it was really good
the thing is it's just that people are just
they're trying to eliminate the history
and if you take your history away
you're going to be prone to do the same
dumb shit you did
history repeats itself
exactly
how they create a communist country
is by erasing the history
so you have no memory
I mean they're not going to do that
I mean that's not going to happen though
I mean nowadays you can't do that
you're going to be surprised man
what do you mean I'd be surprised
I mean come on think about it
how the hell are we going to forget everything
you're not going to remember
the kids after us won't if Riley never grows up
and sees the statue of Abraham Lincoln
he won't know how important it is
they would have been looking at porn
they would have been looking at history
it's so terrible now
let me tell you it's rampant
I remember one you had to be
you had to
figure out when you were going to do your thing
when you were a kid you know what I mean
now it's just like on your phone
you can do it any avenue
you just want to whack your meat you can just do it now
before it was like
you just fucking do it in front of people
you could just fucking start beating it
in front of people
no you can't that's a fucking felony dude
well I mean if you're a child no it's not
I mean first of all
now that's pretty funny if you got a child to whack off
in front of people who's going to get arrested
the people watching
no I'm just saying
the child or the people watching
everybody involved
everybody's involved
Mike fucking get locked up
it was a wonderful thing
I'll tell you that it was a good city
we could just go anywhere
and you know it's
it's just going down down down
especially after the war I guess that was really a nice time
well I remember even moving here
as a kid
and being afraid of these kids out here
these kids were meaner than the kids in the city
of course I knew more kids here maybe
I was
I only knew the kids on our immediate block
and shit you know
aren't you called I mean back there
yeah but they were just
nicer kids the kids were meaner out here
the thing is you never didn't
feel safe right you know
now you can't go any
some girl got killed in a shopper
somebody knifed her or something 24 year old girl
well I mean you could have put a bulldog over here
you got shot in the head and killed
and they had to change it what do you mean shot
no it was just a wound
she got killed that bulldog
yeah she died at bulldogs
geez
yeah that's why they changed it
I heard it just got shot
no she got killed
so once you have a killing in your place you pretty much
out of business
well I mean I think it was more that they're getting
sued and what are you going to do
you know what I mean like
everybody's so happy now
it's like okay some random guy
walked they kicked him out
came back and started shooting her
and then I said I mean you know
so he didn't even know the person he killed
no man no he went to
the I think he might not even
have went outside I did not know somebody
died are you guys sure no I'm
pretty damn sure someone died
wow I'm not
sure someone died
but whatever yeah
you can't recover from that
well I mean you can to some extent
I'm not I don't think people
want to come in there
everybody's scared enough the rarity
of though that happening
you know what I mean it's like
lightning doesn't strike twice and if it does
there's something going on with your establishment
well you can tell that to the guy who's got
the gun pointed at you do your bleep right now
beep beep
hahahahahahha
it was a little late there bud
that's alright but yeah you know what I mean
you go to the shit and it's like okay
everybody's all amped up
you know they mean everybody's carrying the gun
that's another thing
hey we when I lived in Lombard
by Jim it with Jimmy
there was this bar
called Avenue 64 on North Avenue
oh yeah there was
someone and I was there every fucking
night practically picking up some horror
because I lived a walking distance
from there I
would say
three times a month
at least twice a month someone
got stabbed or shot in the vestibule
well yeah because it's true
it took quite a few fucking
stabbings and shootings before they
fucking changed the name
so not just one
it just depends
which kind of bar it is like what you're saying
yeah I mean at the same time
what kind of fucking crowd you were
trying to make
there's another thing about Chicago
now when we were growing up
now I'm dating
Anne-Marie
and
there was places called Black and Tan
on the south side
if you wanted to hear jazz these were the
only places to go to
and I've taken her we've gone
to these clubs
87th Street this is
61, 62
right in there
but they had all kinds
they had the Blue Note downtown
they had all kinds of jazz clubs but
I was on the south side
a couple of downtown but
if you want to hear them you'd have to go
well I mean you have to travel to find good music
but the point I'm making is
they're black and white people
would I go to 87th Street today
no way
I wouldn't go to a lot of places
I mean
are you not going to walk into a black joint
you can't do that you know it's a different world
and it's not even from being white
they set us back 50 years
it's just about being white it's just about being
danger
white is not helping they took
a survey and
49% of the black people
are dead set against
white
you know what I mean so this is not
a good
thing no but at the same time they're in that little
they control their own area
you know what I mean like
it's not like if they came out here
they would have to be dispersed
if they're out where they're at they're all concentrated
you know what I mean like
they're more of a group
they can control things
they can manipulate things and I'm not being racist
you know
allegedly
supposedly Duke Pan is hard on them
but I see some guys getting
some light ass sentences well at the same time
that's how everything is going right now
nobody's getting I mean the seriousness
of nothing I mean come on
what the fuck did light foot say
that uh
she didn't get re-elected because everybody's racist
because she's a racist and sexist
and then she doubled up on all the way
there was one white candidate for Chicago
was
you know what I mean like I'm talking out of turn here
she's talking out of her ass
I'm just saying but I mean I don't know that much
but I've read the cliff notes on what's going on
and she was
everything went up 25%
30%
but she's
her stand is that I turned Chicago
around all the guns we took off
the street and you know
I mean how could you be that
he sent the guy Brown
put his resignation in well he was
63 so
by CPD
requirements you have to retire
at 63 I'll bet there's a
dispensation for the higher echelon
oh definitely but if you're
a street cop maybe but he
didn't have to he's got a sweet job
oh he's going to be a CEO
and insurance company in Texas or COO
he's going to be the head
company in Texas CEO anything
in a fucking company
anything we're going to see in front of it
if you're a chief you're an operating officer
you're doing
I mean
he started off on the street in Detroit
went to Chicago
and now he's bumped up to
I mean
he's got a lot of life's about
he started to do these
hard jobs and get a cush ass one
just completely ripping people off
and robbing people
or doing everything that's good for yourself right
yeah
I mean how the hell are cops making all this money
like you ever see the 75
the
yeah yeah
the one New York cops you ever see that
what's it what is it
75 were they stealing
crazy
yeah
just recently
these guys they had no fucking rules back then
it's like
they had double bags
of money they were stealing fucking cocaine
well that was in my time
where the crooks were working with the cops
there was a kid
the cops were the crooks and this one
the cops would work for the crooks
they would tell them about
the whole thing
that's when they cracked down on the police force
because they were so out of hand
you never got a ticket you just walk up with
a 5 or a 10 and throw it
in the back there there was a couple of guys
putting the book where they
a mallet on their dash
guilty and they'd find a guy
really
it was wide open
crazy that's when mom
when she moved out here
they didn't go for that shit
she handed the guy a 5 and he's like what the fuck are you doing
yeah
she was so used to Chicago because
I remember going to
the airport
we were speeding on that entrance park there
and Maz in the car and Franks in the car
we were going to get out and Maz was going to drive the car home
and I'm going like crazy
and the
the cop gets me pulls out
I jumped out of the car
I went by the window and I threw
20 in his lap and I ran right
never said a word to the guy
in the car and went
right to the fucking airport
otherwise I would have missed the flight
you're first to him hauling around
who are you
before you just
don't go
some of them have a hat in the back
you don't want to take it
so that's when Uncle Rich
was the cop and they brought in a guy
from California man
he was a tough guy
more guys were quitting
Uncle Rich got off at that point
I don't know what he did
the other guy his pal
Mike G.
he was a patty wagon driver
he loved it
because if somebody is dead
you go there and you got time to search the house
he would tell me where they would pin the money
the old Italian ladies
and their insider
underwear, their little money
so all they need is 10 minutes alone
yeah they're dead alright
in the corner
so he made a nice
living this guy
stealing from the dead
well yeah
well actually he was stealing from the dead's family
she don't care anymore
you know what I mean
but he made a nice
extra dough
so I'm not saying anything about Uncle Rich
cause I don't want one thing about him
but that was his pal
so I don't know
but it was wide open
it was wide open
this guy was
and he got shot coming out of
26th in California
somebody shot him yeah
he got wounded and then he disappeared
they might have put him in some kind of
witness he's probably selling shoes
in some other city
why would they put him in witness just because
the cops were gonna kill him
the feds got him
cause he turned in all the cops
it was like hold the cops
the cops were all in on it
they knew about the alarms
if there's a silent one
years ago the alarm just rang
in front of the store
you know what I mean big deal
if the only one that
shakes up is the crook you know what I mean
so here's what they did one time
when we just had that alarm before we went
had to get a sophisticated alarm
they take and they fill the box
with sand
the bell box
and then they shoot it out
with a 357
magnum they shoot the alarm out
makes no noise at all
then they go into the building you know
now you gotta get a hook up to ADT
and now you gotta get this
so it's getting worse and worse
well I mean criminals
have nothing to do just sit around and
fucking watch
you know what I mean like the kids
when the alarm would go off
and mom would not
she didn't want me to go with
I'm surprised I took you guys
I must have known it was bullshit
you said by the time I get there
if there's anybody there they're gone
yeah
except one time the guy was still in the building
really? yeah
so this is funny and mom would always
get real nervous when that happened
yeah I'm sure
I was the first one on the list when the bell went off
oh that sucks
they contact me
so I'm hot footin' it from here
which is gonna take me 30 minutes
no matter what
and then I'm surprised
I took you guys, jeez
but the one time we go the guy's still in the building
okay?
he cut through the ceiling and the circle in the back
there was like three ceilings
the roof
the regular thing and then a drop ceiling
that we built like the structure inside this
and he cuts through all of that shit
and
man
he goes and he must have watched or something
he cuts off some alarm
but I have two different settings
you know I have
remember when I had underneath the thing there
it was like a camouflage
and then I had the aisles
I had mats in the aisles so if you went on them
oh like pads? like pressure pads and shit
yeah
so it was pretty well hooked up
but now this mooch is still in the building
and
where the hell is he?
in the cops this is the conversation
well he's in the vents you know the vents were big
like this
he's in the vents and the guy's well go up after him
he said fuck you I just got my pants out of the cleaners
you know this is the conversation
yeah I love it
okay call a canine
here comes the dog
you gotta be a small guy to get into those vents too
not exactly big
well this guy's gonna stay there until he stars at that
and then he goes in and get him
but the dog flushed him out pretty quick
you know what the dog's carrying down there
dog doesn't know color
you can be black
you can be white you can be brown
the dog don't give a fuck man
the guy had no exit plan
unless it was gonna charge out a window
put a lot of effort in getting in
yeah
you could imagine all the shit on the floor
it's just a turmoil of doing all that
you know oh wow another ceiling
oh wow
so and that's the drop there
what was that
that's a nice high
yeah but I mean you gotta
think about it if you're cutting
from the roof to the next
you know what I mean
well just to cut the roof you gotta have a pretty nice
tools and blades
and power and she can't do it by hand
he had a half ass plan
maybe it was somebody outside
he was gonna let them in I don't know
you know nothing sound like it
but the door is open
there's no turn
you need a key in and around
it's not somebody's house you know
you're locked in yeah you need
an actual key it's only a back key
the back key could open up because I just had
the bars across there
back so
great room