Time to get ready for the Larry and Needles show.
Is it hot?
Just to check the mic or not, will it be hot?
Yeah.
Jesus, you're a stumbling fool.
Alright, here we are.
Welcome to the Larry and Needles show. I'm Larry.
I'm Needles.
Larry just does what he wants.
We're all in Larry's world.
Oh, man.
What? Ah, fuck, I forgot my notes.
Ah, fuck me, man.
This guy's got notes.
Well, I'll tell you.
We got a couple episodes in the bag and
we're just about to go live because by the time you hear this,
you might have already heard us live,
but we just figured everything out.
We're kind of excited.
We're two fucking druggies that really are idiots.
It's our drugs.
It's our fucking shield of coat of arms.
It's amazing that we're going to be able to get this shit off the ground
and it's probably going to be hopefully pretty good listening.
I really don't care.
I just want to fucking tell Larry he's gay and I want to laugh at him.
That's all that I want to do.
There's nothing wrong with that, right Larry?
What was that?
That was hilarious.
Yeah, it's very funny.
That's why you giggled after you said it.
So, I'm going to give you a situation.
Tell me what you think about this.
You tell me, man.
You're a gambler.
No.
Oh, it's a situation.
I see, I see.
I already forgot what's going on.
No, it's not even four seconds.
I thought you were asking me that question.
It's not even four seconds.
I'm going to give you a situation.
Fucking Larry.
So, you're a gambler.
Yes, okay.
And you live in Vegas.
I love it there.
It's so beautiful.
You get very upset with the casino because they don't give you perks like they used to.
They're cutting back.
Because in your eyes, you're a high roller.
Right.
So, all of a sudden,
you know,
you get mad
because they're not giving you perks.
But who do you get mad at?
The casino?
The casino's not giving you perks, right?
No.
It's the waitress.
Well, not the waitress, but you get mad at the casino.
They're diminishing.
They're tightening up.
They're cheap skates.
You're spending a lot of cash here.
So...
All of my kids' college fucking tuition.
The car, the house.
What's your game, Larry Roulette?
Yeah, everything I...
I hope so.
It puts the gun in the mouth.
Russian Roulette with a magazine.
I mean, you can't have that in a casino though.
Maybe in Thailand.
Definitely.
Somewhere where it goes.
So, you're very mad at the casino because...
They're not giving me drinks and sandwiches.
Well, it's not even that.
It's no more perks, no more rooms.
Yeah, everything.
You're cutting back.
So, guess what you do?
Instead of getting mad at the casino,
you climb up
and I don't know the room number,
and you
bust the window out,
and you kill
60 people.
Right.
And 867 people
are injured.
411 of those
867 people
are injured by gunfire.
Right.
Do you know who I'm talking about?
Yeah, the Vegas shooter.
What's his name?
I don't know his name.
Stevie Paddock.
But not because he was mad at the casino, man.
That was the government plan.
The FBI came out and said
that Stevie Paddock
shot this country music festival
and they stopped giving him his perks.
At the casino.
I don't believe that. I think the FBI is full of shit, man.
Larry, you fucking don't think.
I just saw, I just literally was scrolling through the man.
Man, it's so fucking crazy.
Isn't that a ass of mine?
Oh my God.
60 people. It's the biggest mass shooting
in the United States,
and nobody says anything about it.
Isn't that something?
It's why I brought it up today.
For a week, they say Vegas strong on TV
and they say,
I'm not sure.
And then that's it.
But when is the last time you heard about this?
When it happened.
867 people injured.
Yeah.
I know towns smaller than that.
40 minutes and 1.50.
And I can't remember the guy that was singing at the time.
It was a country music festival.
It was a country guy.
And I never heard of his fucking name before that.
But boy, that sure skyrocketed him in the fame.
He sold words for a fucking day or two.
If he was singing something about America, then yeah, definitely.
It didn't matter.
You heard his name over and over.
I don't remember Stephen Panik.
I don't remember it either because my mind is fucking scrambled.
But isn't that ass of mine that these fucking people say
that he was disgruntled
because of his perks got taken away?
That is fucking crazy.
The fucking guy lived in Vegas too.
So I mean, what kind of perks do you need?
You have a house.
Exactly.
You have a home.
Bring the fucking prostitute home.
Well, no.
He had like an Asian wife.
Oh, nice.
Hey, you gonna spark that or what? Do you have another jib?
I'm looking for a lighter, man.
Okay, would he use the fucking crack baby mobile?
Nah, I'm looking for.
It's right there, dude.
But I mean, do you think this guy really
shoots up and kills all those people?
To get the listeners at home an idea of the
lighter.
It's not a crack either.
We can if we want.
Jesus, you gotta have some context in that.
But if you look at the videos of it,
there's actually videos of shit.
Have you ever watched it?
Yes, I have.
But here's the other thing, man.
How the fuck did this guy
get duffel bags full of guns
up into that room?
He did get duffel bags, but there's no video.
No, I know because it's all bullshit.
Because it's all fucking bullshit.
He was an FBI plant.
They wanted that
fear.
You say he's like Jack Ruby?
Yeah.
Or whoever was in the grass, you know.
Exactly.
Allegedly.
And this guy allegedly fucking pulls
all that shit up into that room.
No one notices.
People did notice.
Come on, man. Don't be a fucking and ass clown.
First of all,
there were so many conspiracy theories
about this. Like it was a bad arms deal.
It was all
set up in...
What do you mean a bad arms deal?
Well, this guy was selling guns
to somebody, and that's why he brought them all
up there.
And then...
Because they have video of him bringing all the guns up.
And then the deal didn't go down?
I don't think it was enough
weapons for it to be an arms deal.
First of all, if you're gonna kill people,
you only need one gun
and a lot of ammo.
Yeah.
But he's got duffel bags.
That's who they prey on.
That's the MK Ultra Praise.
And you know what, though?
The way that the government sweeps
things under the rug,
and we're all just lemmings and fucking bump
into the wall, and then turn around
and bump into each other,
like that's how it is, we just bounce bullshit off
and jump.
It's crazy. It is not crazy.
Neato's if I fucking say it's crazy, it's crazy.
It's not crazy Larry, you're crazy.
The whole system is crazy Larry.
It is fucking crazy.
But the crazy is we just accept it.
Yeah, that's the fucked up part.
That's the crazy part is that
we just don't fucking fight
against it, but we really can't.
Well, no.
Well here's the thing, we can't because
so many of the people
believe the bullshit
that when you tell them about it,
they actually do think you're crazy.
They think you're fucking nuts.
Well, the media plays a big part in this also.
Yeah, the propaganda media.
Well, yes.
I remember when,
I've said this before and I'll say it again,
news was news.
It wasn't fucking 24 hour day cycle.
Right, they told you facts and then they moved on.
And then now they're all talking heads,
which I love the talking heads.
Not those kinds.
They're like, I'm gonna get some titties
in a fucking red dress.
I'll watch it. Me too.
Oh, Fox News, come on.
That's why they call it Fox.
Foxes.
They are Fox News men.
But isn't it crazy that we just accept
what's going on?
Like there's no medium.
We're all extreme.
It's either fucking 100% or nothing.
The news just berates your ears.
You know, there's nothing good.
They won't get their ratings.
If they don't have the endless scare tactic going.
It's all about ratings, right?
Yeah.
Like even for us.
And it's also all about the fear too.
They put this guy in Vegas.
They haven't shoot up a fucking crowd of country people.
Because they know that all those country people
are fucking
mega people probably.
Let me read this again.
Wait, stop.
867 people injured.
Yeah.
So listen, they shoot up the country
concert because they know that people
are probably fucking
not left fucking wing.
Oh, Larry, you're too into it.
Well, no, you know, and then
excuse me.
This guy fucking
Stevie Paddock.
Why did he immortalize this fucker?
You know, he pulls off this deed.
What do you mean?
The biggest mass killing in the United States.
The biggest one ever.
And then they make up a fucking cover
story.
They don't question it.
The fucking news media repeats the fucking propaganda.
Everyone believes it.
And it's such bullshit.
It's all cyclical, man.
If you can't see it, you gotta be fucking crazy.
That's what I think, you know?
I mean, it's just fucked up, man.
Well, I mean, I think there's more to it
than just a guy
bust out the window
and just start murdering people.
I mean, come on.
You know what I mean?
School shooters, when you go back to them
are people that mass murder
have an agenda sort of.
Like,
somebody wronged them.
Somebody bullied them.
There's multiple variables that are intertwined.
It's a combo of
environment and mental fucking problems.
Well, mental illness is something that
everybody's like, oh, we need to get a handle on it.
But how the fuck do you get a handle on it?
Well, uh...
You can't just lock people up anymore.
And there's no beds.
Listen, this fucking country is so jacked up
right now that
even if people...
What are you gonna do?
Look what they did in San Francisco.
Fucking...they opened that.
They took a hotel. They put all these homeless people in there.
And a lot of people O.D.
A lot of people that were fighting.
It was crazy.
Security guards didn't even want to be there.
Vagabounds.
Just running rampant.
Fucking in the hallways. Fighting.
O.D.ing.
Drinking. Drugging.
But...
It's just like, uh...
Do...
I mean, being a Democrat...
Is that being a leftist?
No. No, not at all.
What's the difference?
Being a Democrat and Republican, it's all bullshit.
I didn't say that.
I said Democrat being a leftist.
Oh, leftist is someone that's just
fucking got radical ass fucking...
So it's like...
Being on the far right.
That someone that has radical ass beliefs
the other fucking way, you know?
That's all.
I'm a fucking centrist, man.
I don't want shit to be running properly.
Yeah, you like it in your center butthole.
Yeah.
I'm not gonna ban her, baby.
Only if you lick it off when I'm done.
Oh, Larry's Cream Pie Shop.
The best ice cream in Boys Town.
Yeah.
Fuck you, needles.
I'll get you a refrigerator box
and you can just put your butt cheeks out.
We'll cut a hole.
Just lean your ass cheeks out.
You like the hands coming out of the house?
And then you just collect the money.
You're like, what do you want to do?
Like the hand coming out of the house, did you say?
Hand in the house.
Love that story.
But, so...
The feds are after me.
Oh, yeah? What'd you do now?
I was at January 6th.
Oh, come on, you were not.
Yeah, I was. I was making grilled cheese sandwiches in front.
Those people had to eat, dude.
Oh, they had to be fucking...
You know what they're charging me for?
Tax evasion, because I accepted cash.
I did so good.
That QAnon Buffalo dude
he wanted a double one, so I made him one.
Nice.
Yeah, he kind of liked it.
It wasn't bad.
But then I had to go inside and wash my hands
and I ended up in Pelosi's office.
Nice, and you washed your hands in the pile of shit on the desk?
No, I just sniffed it.
I didn't...
Actually, I sniffed her seat,
but that guy sat in it first.
So it was kind of bad.
I wanted to steal the chair and sell it on eBay
so you could smell Nancy Pelosi's mom.
But
they weren't interested in it.
Oh, man.
And it had a, you know, the state of the...
Staying on there, being friends.
Yeah, you know, the kids from the state, it has an emblem on it.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know, I mean, me carrying a fucking Nancy Pelosi's chair out
and being like, hey, guys, I just want to let people sniff this.
Yeah.
You know? I mean, because her husbands are fun, okay?
Right. Totally.
I mean, isn't that the... he got hit in the head with a hammer?
Yeah, supposedly.
What do you mean, allegedly? No, there's video of this.
Well, no, there's no video of him getting hit in the head with the hammer.
We're not talking about it.
That happens around the corner.
They tell you.
There's video of that, though.
No, no, no. There's video of the guy lunging at him
with the hammer, but you don't actually see
the actual fucking hammer impact.
Okay.
They go around a corner
in a hallway in their house.
Okay.
So you don't actually see the hit.
100%
I looked at it.
I'm going to fact check you later.
I don't pay attention to much.
That kind of nonsense.
I fucking definitely watch after.
That's the most factual statement that's been said today.
Probably.
You can't do this. Oh, you know what I want to do?
I have a pen and a paper here.
I want you to draw the prophet Muhammad.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
You think you can do that?
I think so.
Maybe we should do that when we have listeners, too.
I want the best drawing of prophet Muhammad.
But I want them cool.
I want one like a punk rock Muhammad.
I want a surfing Muhammad.
But your own interpretation.
We should wait until we get down the line
and we have a video aspect.
Because then we could show my picture.
No, not at all.
We're drawing the prophet Muhammad.
I don't want any video.
I mean, Jesus Christ, man.
This is packaged to the place.
It's right, though.
The feds are looking for me that way.
They work out.
They really fucking mopped up my grilled cheese
in front of the insurrection.
I had a good get going.
Needles grilled cheese.
No, the insurrection cheese, man.
Insurrection burgers.
I know. I mean, Jesus Christ,
I made a couple hundred bucks and now they want tax on it.
They're on government property.
Ha ha ha.
When am I going to fight the government, Larry?
You can't fight city hall, brother.
No, I can't at all.
You can't fight city hall.
I'm just here making tasty cheese
and you want to take my cheese.
Welcome to America.
I mean, and we kicked the British out for taxing us.
Right, I know.
Look at these fucking hypocritical cocksuckers
turn around and do the same fucking thing
that they didn't like to begin with.
Well, we're repressed.
Oh, man. And oppressed.
Well, yes.
I mean, are we...
But at least they're...
At least it's easy to be gay now for you.
You know, you don't have to be in the closet anymore.
Talking to me personally, Jesus Larry,
why are you...
Howdy, man.
You should have asked me first.
You just can't do that on the air.
Ha ha ha ha.
But yeah, I understand what you mean.
Well, did you see the Bud Light thing?
I mean, you know,
what you mean, well, did you see the Bud Light thing?
I mean...
Oh, yeah, the tranny on the can.
Tranny on a canny?
Ha ha ha ha.
Actually, tranny without a canny.
This fucking person...
They got no ass?
Well, this person
um,
dresses like a child
and acts like a child.
Oh my God.
But this is documented. Like, I'm not making this up.
Yes, this person does that.
What the fuck?
Is that the correct person?
I don't care. Is it a man or a woman?
It's a man, baby.
It's a man.
Time to make you lonely, baby.
And I'll move the place.
Ty.
But, yeah,
so the funny thing is, it's like...
Talk about target audience, right?
Yeah.
I put a tranny.
Yeah, that's really targeting the audience.
Well, it's not even... Okay, they made a can for this person.
Yeah.
It's just a one-off can. They're not selling it like that.
If it was still on the days of beer can collecting,
that would be a valuable one.
I'll tell you right now, though,
if I was the head of marketing...
If anyone gave a fuck.
The head of marketing is a genius, because guess what?
What?
To talk about Bud Light.
Any press is good press.
What do you mean, you guess so?
Well, yeah, I guess so.
What the fuck do you mean? What do I mean?
Did I say Chinese?
Yeah, you did. I mean, Jesus.
I couldn't understand you.
Fucking Huxu.
Fuckin...
I saw.
Yeah, why don't you go dip yourself in the duck sauce?
I'll dip my nuts in there
and you can lick it off.
The cream of some young guy
when you want your mouth.
Ah.
But I mean, the fucking...
Any press is good press.
Yeah, that's true.
Just like the sex pistols.
Getting the tour canceled
just as good as them tour.
Yeah, but it was a lot different back in the 70s.
Come on.
But it was a lot harder to get press back then.
There was so much information coming
into our brains right now
that we didn't even fucking ridiculous.
It's ridiculous.
You don't even remember shit that you think
you're gonna remember forever
that you saw three days ago.
You know what I'm saying?
At least I don't.
I always tell my kid, I'm like,
I forgot more than you'll ever know.
Isn't that the truth?
And you're forgetting more than he'll ever know
right as we speak.
Larry, my synapses are bangin, bangin, bangin.
It's like the 4th of July in there.
So then...
How was driving with Mary today?
Oh, huh.
Actually, she did pretty...
This is a new segment, driving with Mary.
She did pretty good today.
She really did.
I was kind of though micromanaging
at the whole time.
I wasn't as relaxed as I was before.
Yeah, you can't be.
Even though the amount of weed you smoke.
I mean, you're not gonna be able to do that.
The amount of weed you smoke.
I mean, you're on an eighth of weed
before you get in the car.
Yeah, and...
And what?
There wasn't, but there was nothing
really too bad to speak of.
Just a couple of times where people...
Couple of incidents.
Couple of times where people honked at her
where she was going, you know,
nine miles an hour in a 45.
Well, wait a minute.
See, this is not...
She's doing nine miles an hour.
But she doesn't even smoke weed.
She doesn't even smoke weed.
No, but she didn't go sideways
in the lanes or anything like that.
I've seen her cross two lanes
of 50 mile-hour traffic at 25.
Yeah, exactly.
And just cut over and the car's like...
I know.
And she's like, look at this asshole behind me.
Exactly.
And you and I are just like cats, nails.
And Duggan.
Scared.
Like a mother going cat under the bed.
Luckily, she hasn't killed us yet.
And she's like all oblivious to it.
Oh, look, she goes, look...
She goes, oh, look, I just figured it out
why they moved...
T.J. Maxx from the place
where I liked it better.
Because they wanted to put it close to home goods
and I'm like, that's great, Mary.
There's people, huh?
And then she...
She got a purse on her lap.
And I mean, this ain't a purse.
This thing was like a fucking army bag.
And then instead of like
stepping on the gas after everyone's passing
and honking, flipping us off...
She don't care.
She turns and looks the other way and sees some other store
and goes, oh, I always wanted to go to that place.
Oh, my God.
And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me?
You are. You just want to die.
You're like, I'm gonna die
in this apartment. I know.
And she doesn't even care.
She doesn't even know we're about to die.
Dude, this is my lawyer we're talking about.
Also, she's oblivious
to the rules of the road.
Yeah.
And she doesn't even smoke weed.
She does that all on her own.
I don't know about that.
She might have...
She didn't have any edibles today,
but it was all a lot of distraction
because we drove down...
I can't think of the road.
Where'd you go?
We went to Costco, but the road...
Oh, we took Gary.
Yeah, Gary, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Between Gary and...
between like, Schick and Army Trail,
there's like 50 fucking stores.
Yeah, she's just like...
There's woodmines over there,
and the mall is over there.
And it's 45 miles an hour.
She was like, oh, I always wanted to go there.
She's like an old school pimp just driving.
It's like a merchandise.
And they're just all stores.
She's like, oh, my God, they got a home goods.
Like, Jesus Mary, it's 45
and you're doing 20.
We're going to get arrested
and there's 50 roaches in the car.
And when you...
It's like Cheech and Chong with...
You...
You roll the wind.
They have to arrest her
just for the amount of roaches.
They're like, oh, my God.
I better clean that shit out.
And they're all over the place too.
It's literally a roach will tell.
What's that? I better clean that shit out.
Yeah, you think? I mean, that's my lawyer.
How's she going to get out of her own situation?
They're never going to believe she's not stoned.
And they always say...
What is she going to be like?
I don't smoke weed and there's just roaches all over.
You literally have an ashtray in the car.
Like a home ashtray.
Yeah.
I was like 20.
But you know what though?
It's kind of like a car ashtray because it says root 66 on the bottom.
That's just a root.
That's nothing to do with cars.
Somebody gave me that ashtray.
All right, well, good for them.
But your first statement, what you just said,
has nothing to do with it.
Well, you know, root 66 and it says on the bottom...
It's a car thing, yeah.
But it's not a car ashtray.
No, I know.
I figured it kind of went with the car because of that.
I mean, fuck it.
I thought they kind of went together.
No, they really...
The car, root 66, you know.
There's some sort of simile there, shall I say, but...
It's all right.
Going to St. Louis, down to Missouri.
Oklahoma City is all so pretty.
Let's see.
And real old root 66, you know.
Who sings that?
Oh shit, Chuck Berry, the Stones.
Man, that guy, man. Chuck Berry.
Dude, I've been listening to Chuck Berry.
The ultimate curve.
No, no, let's not brush over the ultimate curve.
No, I won't though, but I'm just letting you know
before you get into that that
he is great, man.
I've been listening to Chuck Berry solid
for the last, like, fucking week and a half.
The best video ever, Chuck Berry.
Farting in the Hooker space.
No, no, no, no, no. Chuck Berry, John Lennon
and Yoko, and she starts screaming.
That is a good look on his face.
She comes out in a black bag
and he's like, what the fuck is going on?
She was in a trash bag.
Someone threw out the fucking Nuk Sue.
He's like, where the fuck
is this disco room?
And then she goes, man, they turn her mic.
The look on his face, he didn't have that face
when he was farting that chick's face.
I almost, no. He was happy.
The look on his face was like, oh my god.
Unhappy. He thought the feds fighting
and caught him. He wanted to kick John Lennon
in the balls for fucking doing that.
He was like, what the fuck is going on?
He was like, who brought
English cocksucker?
We don't play that shit here.
He brought me this bitch, kid.
She's just yelling and screaming.
Like fucking, you know,
that's got him in Vietnam, just got
fighter bombs.
But the look on his face.
That's how she made her art.
She would evoke images of her old village
going up in flames.
We need to fact check that later.
We need to check that later.
We need to fact check that later.
Hahaha.
Allegedly.
They're using air quotes as we speak.
Let me hit that jib later.
But then the funny
I had another joint.
I gotta find that motherfucker.
Just like you. You're out.
Coming out of the closet.
Hahaha.
But I heard, I was reading this thing about
John Lennon and there was like some stupid
Yoko Ono did.
He climbed out of ladder and looked through some stupid
thing and then he was like,
ah, you know what?
I'll help the Jap.
Is she Japanese? What is she?
Yeah, yeah, she's a Jap.
Well, here we go. Let me Hiroshima her ass.
No, and here's the thing.
She was a real cool chick.
You think she pooped on him inside?
I don't know about that.
But I'll tell you one thing though.
She hung around with a lot of the jazz cats.
Or Nat Coleman and all these fucking
avant-garde guys.
You know, Lamont Young and shit.
You know, in New York.
And so she already
was in a scene before
she hooked up with John Lennon.
But that's how it was back then.
There was a scene.
But think about that.
Your group was your group.
Like, there was so much going the fuck
on. Punk and fucking
pro whatever fucking
everything was going on.
That's all those people had that was the center of their life.
You know what I mean?
If you could get into the jazz club.
Here's what happened.
He had to climb up this ladder.
Who did?
John Lennon.
And he had to be on the top step
to see what she had.
It was a magnifying glass.
And he had to look at this little piece of paper
with a magnifying glass.
You think Hinkley meant the shit Yoko
when he accidentally shot fucking Lennon?
You think Hinkley accidentally
shot Lennon and studied Yoko?
No, I think Yoko hired his ass.
Yeah, there we go.
I think that fucking hired his ass off.
I think he really did too.
Listen motherfucker, we'll get you out of jail
even later down the line.
Man, we had tickets to go see him.
We'll fucking the guy was probably like drugs.
They said we'll put you in a cycle.
It was Hinkley, right?
No, Hinkley shot Reagan.
I shot David Chapman.
Wasn't that the guy that we had tickets to go see?
Yes, Mark David Chapman.
I apologize listeners.
It was Mark David Chapman.
Hinkley was the guy who shot Reagan.
I shot Reagan.
Suicidal tendency.
Shout out to my boys.
New merch coming out. I shot Reagan t-shirts.
Two thumbs pointing at you.
But Chapman, you think Yoko hired him?
Yeah.
Just like Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain.
Sure, Courtney Love definitely killed Kurt Cobain.
Allegedly.
If you ever saw that movie, Curt and Courtney.
Yeah.
They definitely make you fucking think that she did.
Both the fucking cartoons in the middle of it?
No, no, no.
Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.
They interview her father.
They interview this guy, El Ducci from the mentors.
El Ducci.
This band that fucking wears hoods over their head.
She offered him 20 grand
to kill Kurt Cobain.
And what's his guy's name?
El Ducci.
And what does he wear? A hood.
He doesn't sound that reputable.
No, he's not. He's a little life.
He lives in a fucking trailer and shit.
But anyways, they went back to do a second interview with the guy.
And somebody pushed him in front of a fucking train.
How big was he?
A pretty big guy.
Like fucking, like Brian Harlan.
Oh shit, that's a big dude.
Yeah, dude.
Alright, El Ducci.
Yeah, and so, you know,
on this movie...
You're gonna have this Ducci do the left hand side.
On this movie,
so they go to interview him the second time
and he's fucking dead.
Hey, did you set the timer?
Yeah, and he's dead and so they're like,
da-da!
And then it adds fucking belief
that Courtney Love is a fucking
downright bloodthirsty killer.
Okay, and?
And there was other people that came forward
and said that she asked him
them to kill Kurt Cobain.
And also, they said that Kurt Cobain
never mentioned suicide
ever until
Courtney Love started fucking...
I mean, he's saying a song about it.
After she started planting it,
planting it and said,
that's what they say.
Well, who says that? Who's they?
They, you know, they.
They're fucking...
The Illuminati?
Now we're all done.
Now we're in a triangle of fucking
the Illuminati.
I don't know who the fuck they is.
Well, then why would you say that?
Oh, fuck yourself. Why would I say that?
Now you get all defensive.
Maybe you had a hand in it.
Jesus Christ, Larry,
did you kill Kurt Cobain?
No.
Kurt Cobain was born like 10 days apart.
Where'd you get that chain, Larry?
I'll tell you what, man.
This rug was my uncle got this
in Alaska
when he was in the Air Force.
Nice.
And he brought back a little dog
from there, too.
He brought back a dog? Like a live dog?
Yeah, an Alaskan Malamute.
That's not a little dog.
Well, no, it was a baby when he brought it back.
Yeah, and that fucking was in a wolf.
And it got bigger and then it bit every kid in the fucking...
every kid in the neighborhood except me and my brother.
Oh, well, because you guys were family.
Yeah.
And so my grandmother had to get rid of it.
No.
I mean, it was a...
Fucking bit every...
It just makes up you and no joke, Nick.
It was a vicious motherfucker.
Oh, he was cute though.
Your grandfather brought a dog from Alaska.
My uncle.
What was his name? Pete.
Uncle Pete brought it back.
Your brother.
My uncle Pete gave me my first Rolling Stones record.
First of all, what year was this, you think?
70s?
Yeah.
Okay.
So Uncle Pete goes up to Alaska?
Yeah.
He drove?
No, no, no. He was in the Air Force.
Oh.
He was stationed in Alaska.
And he just brought back a weird Alaskan dog?
Yeah, they found puppies.
You know, they're fucking like army guys and shit.
They fucking see little babies.
They usually shoot them when they see little babies.
Well, they were all gonna go home and leave.
Allegedly.
Everyone grabbed one up and fucking a couple of guys took one home.
And my uncle was one of the guys that took one home.
Would he just bring their fucker on a plane?
Well, you're taking an army plane.
Oh, yeah.
So you're not really on a fucking...
Civilian plane.
Yeah, you're not on a civilian plane.
Oh my God, Larry, that fucking pedo mustache, dude.
Dude, Larry...
Fucking has a pedo mustache.
I got my...
He ran and slowed down, Larry.
Slash poor mustache.
Don't try to defend yourself.
Wait a minute. It's a half a handlebar.
It's a kid's bike, Shelley.
And I swear to God,
this is the guy, Larry looks like the guy
who goes to the play yard during the day
when the kids are running around
and just puts his lips through the chair.
And he's like,
he's running around and just puts his lips
through the chain link fence
and just blows smooches to children.
Okay.
Allegedly.
Whatever you want to think.
Whatever I could see with that mustache,
all of a sudden, man...
Man, this is what Frank Zappa had right here.
I mean, yeah, fucking A.
Same exact thing.
And?
Looks like you like to kiss kids.
And you're just passing me as you getting arrested.
Hey, man.
They can look at my laptop.
I'm no hunter-biden.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Sounds like a guy that got into guilt.
I'd have to hire Hillary's people
to fucking smash it with a hammer.
Couldn't afford Hillary's people.
With that mustache, I'm sure you have a gang of guys around.
You guys don't like to share
on the dark board.
But that's all right, though.
I mean, this thing is amazing.
I've never seen a literary with a mustache
in all the years I've known him.
I used to have a mustache when I was around
these Puerto Rican and Mexican gangbangers.
Yeah, it was before I knew you, though.
Yeah, but I had to fit in.
Did you just...
I was in my 20s, though, so it was black.
Oh, it was pencil thin?
No, it was black.
Oh, Jesus, you're gonna have to get racist.
It didn't look like this, man.
This is pretty...
It's almost like I don't have one from far away.
It's so weird because your hair is black.
And your mustache is completely gray.
Yeah.
But, you know, if you look on the sides,
my hair is getting gray.
It's creeping up, man.
I know it is, but I mean, that mustache,
it fucking screams chocolate milk.
And you like to share with little kids.
You're just handing out gummy bears
at the bus stop.
But that's all right.
Shit. Hey, speaking of little kids,
you should buy this keyboard off me for...
Well, we have to edit that out, but that's fine.
Ah, come on, man.
Yeah, I know. Okay, but I understand that.
You should buy it for your son.
I'm not gonna buy anything. You're gonna give it to me
and we'll be fine.
Yeah, exactly. See, there we go.
Deal...
Ah, fuck.
I lost it for a minute.
Deal sealed?
Yes, you're not even deal sealed,
but the deal is done.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
I'm not gonna be a dumb stone.
The deed is done.
No, well, I mean, that sounds like you're in Boys Town again.
We have to pick you up in the van.
The deed is done.
As you wipe off the day's work.
Oh, man.
I love it.
Just thinking about you rollerblading down there
with your jeans shorts, pockets hanging out.
Ah, shit, man.
Dude, with that mustache, man,
you could get into a gay bar without paying.
I know, I know.
You could get into a gay bar without paying usually anyway.
Oh, I mean, you know, people there, so I mean...
I mean,
guys think I'm just as cute as girls do.
How do you know this?
Well, I get hit on by a lot of
cute guys, what can I tell ya?
Let's clip that
and send it, baby.
But he's not gonna get into the other half of that,
aren't you?
I was hit on them,
and then we were making out by the grease trap.
Although, one time...
That's the name of the club you guys hung out at.
One time when we were on tour,
and this guy was,
I don't know what city we were in,
like Philadelphia or Detroit
or somewhere and fucking...
Allegedly.
And I had no money,
and I wanted to fucking drink,
and I pretended I was gay,
because I knew the bartender was gay,
and he fucking saw right through it.
You loved it.
No, he fucking saw right through it,
and he was like, gay, sorry.
And I was like, fuck, man.
Yeah, because you exude this manhood.
Fuck off.
I mean, right now,
you're like a...
What's that drug called? Pervitin?
That would be...
Pervitin.
You're a drug, you'd be pervitin.
Just knocking kids out all the time.
You'd be that guy with the fake flower.
They could smell my flower.
Oh, man.
Loading him into my lawyer's fucking Hyundai?
Whatever she did.
Ah, shit, man. It's just like deer.
You're making me sound like a weirdo,
just because I fucking give a mustache.
Doesn't mean I fucking...
That mustache speaks louder than words.
People hide their children when they see that mustache.
You know what's funny?
I went and worked the election
the other day with Mary.
Oh, yeah, how was that?
That was fucking pretty fun, man.
We had some good times. It was one girl that was...
You had some... Okay, wait.
Let's explain before we get too far.
Okay.
So locally...
No, well, it was also the Chicago Mayor Arlala election.
But locally you went...
Locally you went to a voting polling station.
I was a polling...
And so was Mary, my lawyer.
And so was my wife.
And it was pretty cool.
We had to be there from 5 a.m.
to fucking 7.30 at night.
Did you get stoned?
Yeah, I went outside and got high four times.
Where were at in the car?
It was just in front of the building.
Well, I kind of had to go in the car
because it was in front of...
Plus there was other people that was going on
to have cigarettes.
And I couldn't really smoke a joint while.
I was having a cigarette.
Why not? I'm a polling judge.
If I would have known him as good as I did
at the end of the day and the beginning of the day,
I would have.
That's probably the highest statue you've ever held as polling judge.
It's the second time we did it, too, man.
And it was pretty fucking fun.
Did you like it, Mayor?
But the funny thing is none of them noticed my mustache.
Even the one lady told me I was good looking.
Mayor, get that prick maybe mobile.
I'll grab it, Mayor.
Okay, so what you said though that...
One lady...
One lady even told me I was good looking
and she didn't even notice I was a good looking mustache.
Oh my God, was she blind?
She had a good mustache.
She was probably...
No, she had fucking 20-20 vision.
How do you know?
Because I looked through her glasses.
You did what?
She said he was a good looking.
Yeah, and then she saw a stash and she was like,
stay away from my children.
She's like,
that thing is illegal in 42 states.
Nah, man.
You're a Florida man with that stash.
Fuck yeah, baby.
Actually, there was a lady there that goes to Florida
obviously all the time because you could tell
because of her...
10. Yeah, and she was real nice.
Did she give a lot of jewelry on?
Did she? Yeah, she did.
Yeah, she smelled good.
Did she? Yeah.
Probably.
She was older for sure.
She was a good mom. You're a sugar baby.
I need a sugar mama. She was definitely a sugar mama.
I want to follow Larry's footsteps.
Should I kick him in the balls, Mary?
Right now, you can't...
We need a visual aspect for that.
No, we don't.
And you're talking to my lawyer.
My wife wants me...
You're talking to my lawyer. Should I kick your client in the balls?
No.
She wants me to kick you in the balls.
She didn't say I don't suggest that either.
She didn't.
That's why I'm asking.
Hey, Larry, we should get Mary a driving class.
A day before...
in video tape.
She got a D.
She got a DUI.
That's going to be when we get the cable for our special.
We'll take her to driver's ad
and then we'll go get a fucking drive.
We'll go to the DMV.
Yeah.
No, we can't go to the DMV.
That's a government establishment.
We'll just go a pay for a driving class
and Mary gets to drive with the guy.
She just got her kids back
and she got her license back.
She goes
and runs errands.
No, she runs errands.
She goes to Walmart and leaves the guy in the car.
During her driving thing.
Driving class.
That's a good idea.
And you and I just sit in the back.
We don't know what she's doing in there.
Why are we at Walgreens?
I don't know, man.
You guys can't smoke weed in here.
Hey, Mary, could you hand me the backpack?
Why?
It's hanging on the guitar stand there
because I want some M&M's.
I mean, kill you.
You're talking all about Walgreens over and over.
I just talked about Walgreens and you thought about M&M.
You're a fucking junkie.
Jesus.
As a west side, you're like heroin.
Let's go.
Here, honey.
Now we're just playing the M&M game.
Just hang it right there.
Yeah, perfect.
Well, no, she can't reach it, man.
Okay, I'm going upstairs.
All right, doll.
I'm glad you came down here.
I didn't drink that.
Yep.
I'm going to put the rags in the dryer.
Okay.
And then there's a laundry basket of art clean clothes.
This is great content.
Amazing.
In case you didn't hear that.
Yeah, I know.
Larry couldn't even carry a laundry basket up there.
I need to carry a laundry basket up and put some things in the dryer.
But he could carry a child if you know what I mean.
Oh, fuck you, man.
That must be a...
Needles is a fucking asshole if you know what I mean.
That must be a strength around playgrounds.
Yeah.
Who even thinks of this shit except the weirdo?
I do right now.
That's what I'm saying is live.
Well, it's not really live,
but it's just very silly to think of you
and that weirdo mustache.
I mean, Jesus Christ, man.
Do you really look at yourself in the face and you're like,
Yeah, you know what's funny?
I'm starting to get used to it.
Like the first day I was laughing every time I looked in the mirror.
And then the second day I forgot I had it
and I scared myself in the morning when I washed my face.
I was like, whoa.
And now I'm like the third day I was like, hey, man, it's starting to look pretty dope.
And you know what the best is?
I'm just gonna put a little bit of a mustache
and a tooth on the bottom.
Can you incorporate that with
pedophile mustache?
I mean, Jesus Christ, Larry.
If somebody made a composite drawing,
you fit half of them.
That's what we do for our fans.
Please make a composite drawing of what you think Larry looks like.
And we'll put it up in the local post office.
Oh my God.
That'd be very funny.
That's all right though.
That tooth will grow back, right Larry?
We have faith in it.
Totally.
Could you get, if you pray, if everybody prays.
Oh, now we're talking about Jesus.
The power of the Lord, my tooth could come back man.
Dude, I love Jesus.
Me too. So much man.
He gave me herpes and he's not calling me back.
Oh my God.
This fucking guy won't even call me back there.
The son of God gave me herpes.
This guy's gonna burn.
Oh my God.
Please Lord, forgive this dummy.
He doesn't know what he's doing.
Oh my God.
Dude, he won't even call me back.
I mean, you think the son of God doesn't have herpes, but.
How many horses do you think Jesus banged?
Oh man.
He looked around with mostly horses.
Huh?
Well, Mary Magdalene was a whore.
Well, I don't know if I'd say that about her.
Well, I mean, I just did.
Are you gonna?
I don't know.
I don't know the facts totally.
I mean, the facts are the Bible's a made up book.
Oh man, now you're really gonna burn in hell.
You keep doing this.
What is that?
The problem is that you keep on saying I'm gonna burn in hell
and now Jesus' ears tingle.
That's not a problem.
You can't just call your boy out.
You can't hear you.
You can't multiply say you're gonna burn in hell.
His ears are tingling because he hears me trying to tell him,
please Lord, don't fucking send the old soul.
Please Jesus, don't fucking finger bang children.
Oh man.
I mean, the Catholics are, they love the boys.
Yeah, but Jesus is in Catholic.
No, they love children.
Jesus is in Catholic.
Okay.
And I think they're part of it.
I mean, Jesus is in Catholic.
Right. Is that what I just said?
Yeah, you just said that three times.
I'm so fucking high.
Dude, the M&M's are getting you fucking up.
I got a sugar high.
I think I'm having a stroke, man.
Larry's gonna start kissing kids.
Oh fuck you, man.
Luckily there's a playground in fucking thousands of doors.
But that's gonna be the parameters next time.
We're gonna have to hire a construction crew
to move the playground.
So we can still podcast.
Right.
So they go, literally, we can't be around them.
We can't have any live like less than fucking 300 feet
from the playground.
But I know that's what I'm saying.
We're gonna have to hire a construction crew
to move it. So we can podcast.
I'm allowed to go anywhere, man.
I have no, I'm not.
Well, I mean, until the feds hear this.
I'm not a fucking, I'm not a sex plender of any kind.
Yeah, that's what a sex pervert doesn't say.
I don't like kids.
They disgust me.
Real American hero.
I tell you.
Oh my gosh.
Stereotypical.
Epipy, bud-lating children.
You can't change a book by the cover.
Yes, you can.
But that mustache, oh my god.
That blows your cover.
I'm telling you, man.
All I see is your lips going through a chain link fence.
Children.
I don't know where you just...
You look like a puffer fish.
Chain link fence shit.
All right, daddy.
Larry's wearing a shirt that says daddy at it.
And he doesn't want me to believe
he's working in Boys Town every weekend.
This shirt says daddy 66.
Now listen. This is my friend.
Should be 69.
My friend Richie made this clothing line
and Dennis Rodman
started wearing it.
And so he's such a bullshitter
through Dennis Rodman
and somehow we got on entertainment tonight.
Our band.
Our band. Through this guy Richie.
Which band?
My old band with my brother.
We'll say it. Charlie's Pipetrain.
And it was through this daddy 66 wear.
Okay.
Oh my god. It is the most...
They came with TV cameras to my...
It's a thin cotton shirt.
It's really old.
It's like from the 90s.
It's from the 90s.
And it's like...
We had TV cameras in my mom's basement
while we were jamming.
Rocking out. Yeah. It was kick ass.
And then they did...
And then...
No, yeah. They didn't wait a second.
They did that was getting interviewed.
They did that stuff. He fucking posted in Playgirl magazine.
Really? Don't say it?
Billy. I'm not going to say his last name.
Oh, we should do with it.
I don't remember it.
And then there was this other kid...
Billy Gibhins?
God damn it.
Billy Gibhins.
And then there was this other kid and I can't remember his name.
I think it might have been Frankie.
And then they got interviewed
by entertainment tonight.
And they sat on my car.
Listen. They sat on my car.
Because it was such a beater.
You know?
I had this old fucking Buick
fucking like a 1971.
Perfect for picking children up.
It was yellow.
Looks like a school bus.
No. It was faded out.
It was faded out yellow.
It had a white rag top.
It had a Buick like a school bus.
It had a white rag top with all the black mold spots.
Yeah. You could tie them all down.
Fuck you.
It's an old Buick like a school bus.
Come on kids get in.
You got the stop sign on it.
So not only did I get on
on TV with my
orange Stratocaster.
Peanut or regular.
These are peanut butter.
Ooh. Look at you.
Fancy pants. That's a lot for a sugar baby.
Yeah. Well, you got to keep my sugar level high.
Yeah. For sugar baby.
For your sugar mama.
Uh huh.
I could have watched my leftist self tonight.
He likes me sweet.
He'll jacked up.
When I tell everybody
that Hunter was right.
Oh man.
You missed the joke.
But.
But anyways. Yes.
That was a real good session dude.
I think we're coming to a close here and uh.
Oh. Now you're just controlling the pod leery?
Yeah. Dude I'm the fucking guy.
I mean what do you do? You can stop a wall of a sudden?
Yeah. Jesus.
You're gonna be fucking like eight times.
What does that mean?
It's gonna be someone gonna be Gestapo.
It's gonna be me. Just because you've been there eight times?
It started fucking rubbing off.
So now you're a Nazi leery?
No. I mean Jesus. You just said you were.
Just the efficiency part.
I mean don't fucking
say that on the podcast you're a Nazi.
I mean that's not good for listeners.
So.
To our Jewish contingents.
We love you.
And.
To all our contingents.
We love everybody.
Whatever contingents means. We love you.
Aw man.
Like I said Larry's gonna go kiss children.
The perpetendi's not a Nazi.
No.
You gotta distract one from the other.
Right. You know what I mean.
And thank you for tuning in to the Larry and Neal show.
Have a good night.
I'm Larry.
I'm Larry Parker.
You fucking do that to me man.
I love doing it.
It's my favorite.
This is all stating it too.
I'm gonna shit every time.
I almost said I'm needles.
I know that's what I'm trying to get.
Larry good night. Thank you.