Time to get ready for the Larry and Needles show.
Hey everybody. Is the mic on or what? Yeah, welcome
to the Larry and Needles show. I'm Larry. I'm
Needles. We're back into our regular - Ed Spalding's
here with us today. We got we're back in our
regular habitat With the good microphones and
in the studio. Yeah Shalom shalom The reason
we stopped coming down here is when I fucked
myself up in that motorcycle rack, but now I
Can handle it I? Could have handled a long time
ago. It was just basically a lot of laziness
after a while. It was so easy to just You know,
be lazy. Larry's a lazy faggot. That's what it
boils down to. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, exactly.
You're finally... I'm very happy that you finally
admitted it, Larry. How about fucking, uh...
You know, the cream of the crop rises to the
top, and Larry, unfortunately, you always be
at the bottom. Mm -hmm. That's hilarious. Mm
-hmm. Mm -hmm. How about Luigi got the death
penalty removed from his, uh... The plumber brother?
Yeah. Mario's brother. What happened? He shot
that guy Remember Luigi the plumber? Yeah, he
shot somebody. Don't you remember all that free
Luigi stuff? No, I thought they lived underneath
the sewers. No, dude. He was in New York and
he shot this guy Man, do you think they were
hanging out with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
Probably. Can I hit that please Larry? Sure.
You know, unfortunately, Larry's mulatto a strange
wife has gone to abscond on a carnival cruise
to Africa and we are left with pretty Spalding.
Say hi, Spalding. Say goodbye. But as you can
tell, Spalding's mom's new husband is Jewish.
And how do we know that, Larry? I don't know
how. Well, what is Spalding wearing there on
his wrist? Oh, yeah. The Kabbalah bracelet. Oh
man, you are a black dad. You just forget everything
about your kid and it's literally a foot away
from you. You're like, which one has an apostrophe
and which one doesn't? So what are we talking
about all this Luigi guy? What do you want to
talk about him? Well? I do it first of all yeah
Second of all listen everything's faking gays.
We always talk about but they took the death
penalty off the table And it was yeah, cuz he
didn't do anything wrong his original charge
was stalking and the judge decided that Stalking
is a non -violent crime. Yeah, that's what the
cops told you when you're in the bushes So it's
all good. But peeping is supposed to be a crime.
Speaking of peeping. Oh boy. Peeping town. Here
we go. Now we're on a roll. The plane has left
the runway. Now that's a perfect segue into my
story. I was going to talk about Lady Godiva.
The chocolate lady? Yeah. And she, not only did
she make chocolate, what she did was she rode
a horse through the town naked. Come on, you're
kidding me. No, her kid. What town? Whatever,
some fucking place in France or something. It
was a long time ago. Obviously there were no
Muslims there because you'd have been raped.
Well anyways, the King, the reason she was doing
this, the reason she was going through the town
naked was she was protesting the King, her own
husband's... Rise of taxes against the poor so
I'm gonna take some right now. How many mistresses
you think this king had? I don't know but Lady
Godiva was probably not his bottom bitch. So
anyways, right? Well, you want to you don't want
to play along and have some fun. Okay, then yeah
In front of your son what was wrong with you
so anyways The king made a decree where everybody's
got to look away. You can't look at her away
You know look away cuz cuz she's gonna ride through
the town naked and everyone knows she's gonna
do it I want to sniff her horse so Everybody
everybody looked away except one guy and his
name was Tom and that's where peeping Tom came
from What do you think they did to this guy What
do you think he really got though? What do you
think he got? I probably burned at the stake
like he was a witch or something. And he took
his fucking eyeballs out and then they fucking
executed him. What did they do with him though?
I don't know, they just blinded him. They struck
him blind. But the guy's name was Tom and that
was where peeping Tom comes in. I have a fucking
story just like that in my phone, but I'm too...
Yeah, man. Welcome to our mushroom cast today.
Well, I do nitrous, and we babysit Larry's illegitimate
black son. He's not illegitimate. Yeah, he's
illegitimate. I mean, look at your nose. Doesn't
it tell you in the fucking Torah not to create
with these people? Whatever. Earmuffs spalding
these people. It's not nice. Oh all of a sudden
you're nice liberal Larry over here Yeah, check
me out. I'm liberal Larry just fucking shining
like a beacon of liberal hope absolutely Okay,
so and what's your next thing you got some things
written down. I'm gonna let you do your thing
Larry I'm gonna do nitrous and just you know
work. Well. I don't have that much written down.
I only got a couple things written down Catherine
O 'Hara died. Who's that? Who that bitch? SCTV,
Home Alone. I don't know who that bitch is. Oh!
Schitt's Creek. Wait a second. Oh, really? From
Schitt's Creek? I'd like to Schitt's on her chest.
No, not the hot young girl. The mom. Catherine
O 'Hara. Yes, obviously, because you said Home
Alone, and the kid lady child probably wasn't
born. I didn't see Home Alone, but... I've seen
all the other movies, like she was in... Best
in show wait one of the greatest fucking movies
of all times and I don't know where anybody says
you ever seen that Fuck yeah, oh my god. Look
at you Let's do the predator handshake right
now What is it just bend elbows, bro 1488 and
then we both meet in the moon Do you know that
you know where they got the word for dollar why
we have eight listens What's because of you?
Yeah? I know yeah, okay? Well, my name's in the
title. We have hundreds otherwise so if you just
ran it by yourself the layer those Larry show
Larry show Run it right into the crowd. You'd
be like flight 97 into the Pentagon Hell no,
man. Yeah, okay. They find your passport burning
on the ground and whatever it was. You know how
they call dollars, bucks, like a buck? You owe
me 50 bucks or whatever. Okay, yeah. Clams, snatch,
snus, yeah. Yeah, you know where bucks came from?
Yeah. Because before, if you didn't have any
money in the old days... You would use buckskins
as fucking... Hides. Yeah. Yeah, tanners and
shit like that. But it's gotta be a male skin
from a male deer. It's just a holdover from back
then. What, you think they had trannies back
then, like a guy would show up in a buckskin
dress? No. You can't even play, I mean... Lord
have mercy, I tried to do a bit with... What?
We tried to have fun. You asked me if I thought
they did. I don't think so. Yeah, and you can't
be like, oh yeah, that'd be hilarious, but you're
like, no. Just shut me down. You can keep going,
motherfucker. This is a two way, I mean, there
is no hall without oats. The joke ain't gonna
fucking work if I say no. Come on. But this is
the other part of the joke and you're so retarded.
Yeah, that's great. Yeah, I can imagine if they
had trannies back then. There we go. I wish we
had a little beep for him to check on his little
ankle monitor little light You're a little light
in the loafers All right, so well, I mean, are
you done talking or do you got anything else
to talk about? Let's see what you got. No, he's
not here smart guy Wow, now you're gonna take
okay Einstein, which is now you're being called
a fraud and a pedophile Which is the great? Did
you see the I like the one meme that's out there
where it says to you? How is ice doing in Minnesota
and it's pretty good and it shows the fucking
guy, you know, whatever's now I mean explaining
things is killing me right now. Okay, so okay,
I Love to talk about this with Yeah Okay, there
we go the train passed by all right, so Getting
back to this. What did you just say now with
the ice thing? And I like that I like the meme
where it says how is ice doing in, Minnesota?
And it says pretty good and it shows their faces
the Alex pretty and the whatever good bitch whatever
name is You talk about the Mount Rushmore No,
I didn't Mount Rushmore. It just has their fucking
pictures next to each other So one look one white
lady gets killed and BLM comes out and tries
to support her like Like Minnesota is the hotbed
for stupidity. Well, it really is I mean we talked
about this before that The amount of retardedness
that is going on in our neighbor, shall I say?
Yeah, well, it's kind of our neighbor. We're
technically connected to them, right? No. I'm
just saying. How do you get there? How do you
get there by car? It's above Indiana, right?
Yes. I hope so, man. Wish we had a fucking man
Yeah, I could tell you what's going on in North
Fox I'm Gonna be honest with you fucking Richard
Branson this guy names his company virgin I Mean
Larry this guy stole your aura. I know I should
be suing that motherfucker. You're like. I'm
the one who likes virgins It's my territory What
the hell right by fucking I think he dealt I
think brain deals with the a -list celebrities
and Epstein Dealed with the b -list ones the
ones that were a little bit more perverted Shall
I say what the rancid is more of like a discreet
guy? You know everybody comes in and they all
come out with chlamydia. All right. That's all
right Here's your pills and your swag bag as
you walk out the door. Here's your iPad is more
like meat and potatoes kind of shit, if I'm gonna
say. See, you knew exactly what I meant by that.
I mean, that made Spaulding giggle. Made Spaulding
nervous. But it's like, why don't we look at
this fucking guy who's got Virgin written on
an airplane? Yeah. Imagine if I just bought a
van, a white van, and wrote Virgin on it. Virgins
wanted now you're adding Quieter with thank God
you never became a famous musician you'd be so
compromised Just like fat girl they just fucking
put two pieces of loose in front of her like
I'll give you the codes Um, oh shit, where was
that boy I wanted to talk about? Aw, man. That
poor little boy. He's gone. He went down the
drain. Who did? I don't know. Dude, you're just
making shit up. Watch out for my balloons, bro.
I'm not gonna hit your balloon, bitch. I'm just
tending to my child. You know what's so crazy?
Like, how many people do you think have died
from DEI shit? DEI? Well, shit. I'm just saying,
there's probably a number that you can't... Put
any quantitative. There's got to be a couple
hundred at least that have died well remember
that lady so a year ago remember that that fucking
dog bring that was flying the helicopter and
Then her co -pilot was a man and she was supposed
to steer and she ran into the commercial jet
I think I remember something. Was this about
a year ago? Yeah, yeah. I just said that later.
Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's coming back
to me. It was by the runway. It was by a runway.
I am so happy everybody gets to see your diminishment
of mental stability right in front of you. Oh
yeah, a year ago. Yeah, I just said that two
seconds ago. Okay. Yes. Remember she was told
to steer. I didn't know the detail. She hit the
commercial on the jetliner. Which, I mean, there
was more records of this flight between 9 -11
and the Pentagon. Sure. It was more records there
than fucking dollars. At least the engines matched
up with these fuselages, shall we say. But, she
just like, drove a helicopter into a freaking
commercial airliner and killed like 60 -something
kids. Well, women drivers. What did I just say?
I said helicopter. Let's add that to the list
We need a white board of what women should that's
our new thing now that we're down. Let's see
vote what ride Lady cops Helicopter by Anything
that lifts off the ground well listen if we're
gonna fuck it when it goes with driving We should
really send away. They should make a bill and
see if they'll pass it just for sure Take it
to the helicopter driver She's a pilot, oh my
god. Who's... Who's saying drivers? He said like
four different things. Oh my god. But yes, she
just like ran into a plane and you can hear it
on the audio. The guy's like turn, she's like
no, and then all of a sudden boom. Oh my god.
And they kill all these kids. But I think that
was such a sacrifice to Moloch. Sure. Or some
sort of demigod or whatever satanic thing. Why
would she say no when the guy says turn? Because
I think it was in Washington, too. It might have
been in the... I can't remember what that means.
Listen. You don't want to get your news from
a guy who's doing nitrous. You think that was
a DEI hire? Or do you? You think that was a DEI
hire? News on nitrous. That'll be our thing.
Was that DEI? She's a lady. Yeah. Unqualified
any more of an explanation than that and that
much Okay, who is the driver she was Asian? Agent
woman never run those broads flew that plane
upside down Listen I'm on a night response. I
might be making this up right now, but I swear
to God that I thought there were these Canadian
broads that flip the plane upside down like a
jet. And we could look that up. Interesting.
Yeah, it was very, very funny. How were they
driving, how were they piloting a jet? You still
don't understand how aerodynamics works. Who
was letting them pilot a jet? What? Who let them
pilot a jet? I mean, it's probably some retard.
Somebody, some guy who's autistic and is like,
yeah, you know what? I got my money from selling
wrestling figures. I let these two smoke hot
and smoke shows fly. Next thing you know, you're
upside down and your shit's flowing on ya. Spills
drinks. Everything. You're real peach today,
aren't ya? Yeah. So these fucking broads were,
uh... That's another thing. Which ones? Jet pilot.
Write that down on the fucking whiteboard. Jet
pilot no anything that lifts off the ground more
than one inch a lady cannot Or be wheels huh
or wheels? Anything wheels I mean, I think I've
covered a fucking broad spectrum with anything,
but I mean now you want to add wheels. Yeah,
well Yeah, this is Larry's stipulation. You're
saying things that go - See, this is what happens
when you try to run the government. What if they
don't leave the ground at all? You're gonna want
to have to ban - I mean, Larry's arguing with
me. This is like, you know what? I'm Tom Homan,
and he's Minneapolis right now. It's just like,
let me do my thing. I want to cook, brother.
Just sit over there and let me say - Okay. How
about this? Women shouldn't be able to get in
the front seat of anything. Is that better for
you? Yeah, I like him better in the back seat.
We need to install What what do we need to install
well if you're driving some sort of like sprinkler
system to cool you down When you start getting
a lot heavy it'll be like voice recognition Oh,
shit, that's great, dude. Where'd that chip at,
bro? Chip, man. How you doing, brother? I love
you, I haven't seen you in a while. It's gone.
Last night we didn't do, last week we didn't
do Larry Needles because Needles flaked. I didn't
flake, man. Kid's got things going on in life,
you know what I mean? Stiffed me. Shit happens.
You wish I stiffed you you faggot My name is
Larry and it was so funny I didn't get that joke
till yesterday It's so funny. Listen, I'm gonna
get a nose meter out cuz that thing looks like
it's getting bigger and bigger by every day Are
you cashing your shuckles? It does grow I think
your ears and your nose. Real part of the IDF
the international dick feelers Don't get me fucking
involved in your Because that's what I want to
do if I'm in a gay club I want to get my boy
involved No, it's gonna be secretive, you know
what I mean? It'd be like LBJ just walking around
the White House and long though. What are those
called? Asian boys I Don't know what they're
called Boys? Pages? Where do they get these fucking
kids? From the farm that they're farming them
from? You have to be more specific. Do they even
have mothers or fathers? Okay, can we be more
specific? Let's start at point A and work our
way back. Children from where? Like, okay, back
in the uh... 1800s, early 1900s. The Cabbage
Patch Kids and those fucking incubator babies
and all that shit. Yeah, man. Remember the orphan
train also. And they showed all those kids, okay,
where the fuck did those kids come from? Well,
people... And that was back then. Imagine what
they could do now. Oh, they could make that shit.
Yeah, man. If you can clone a sheep over the
dollar or something. Yeah, when they let us know
that they were cloning a sheep, that means they
were already, well, you know... My favorite thing
I heard today was... Mary talking to one of her
friends saying that, what was it? Technology.
Hidden technology. Yeah, hidden technology is
all around us. And don't you want to stay alive
to see it? It's like. Hidden technology. It's
not hidden if it's, you know what I mean? Like,
we all know this part. And then you want to get
into DARPA and all that gay -ass bullshit. No,
man. It's hidden technology. Are you kidding?
No, not at all. There's all kinds of fucking
hidden technology. How so, Larry? What do you
think is so hidden about technology? Well, there's
technology that's hidden that you don't know
about. If you say technology one more time, I'm
gonna hit fucking... How can I tell you what's
hidden if it's hidden? That's the whole thing.
It's hidden. Okay, what do you think about the
pyramids, Larry? Is that hidden? There's gotta
be some technology in there. So technically,
if it's inside the pyramid, is it hidden technology?
No. Oh, now you're writing the rules and parameters.
Well, no, if it's there in front of you, it's
not hidden. But what if it's in the inside? What
if on the facade it looks completely different?
Well, then yeah, then there's hidden technology
in there. Listen, you would be the most crooked
anthropologist or whatever these guys are called.
Why? Because they could just sway you with anything.
I don't know. I wouldn't lie. You're a digger.
You really are. I wouldn't lie. You know. Oh
shit, did we read the fucking, you brought your
things down. Very honorable, these are some shitty,
we went out to... Where's it going at? A Chinese
place, I couldn't find the... Really petering
out here. Luck is coming your way, that's not
much. Bro, what are you doing, man? Where's it
going at? It's over there, but here's the thing,
I don't know where the thing is, the... Hit her,
the stick. Oh, you have a stick there. There's
a stick there. Oh, hello, man. You need the fucking...
You need the mallet. There's a fucking number...
I couldn't find it. I looked all over for the
fucking ring. We reaped the production for a
bit. All right. Keep going, honorable son. Luck
is coming your way. Ruck is a coming... Oh, you
go Ray. Yeah, honorable. Wait a second. What
are the numbers? Lucky number. Eighteen... nine...
64 65 33 and 44 Wow, that's more numbers. Why
the fuck so many numbers? There's gotta be code
for something. You ever think there's gotta be
code for shit on there? Somebody's combination,
huh? Somebody's combo. No, it's like code for
something like, you know You want to buy a candy
song? This one has a lot less lucky numbers.
Good news will come to you from far away And
then my comedy from far away. So what does that
mean though? What would that entail a phone call?
I guess man I would think it would be more of
someone bringing it to you, you know Yeah, like,
you know, like what are those guys? Someone from
far away. You're like, yeah, you know what? We
saw you looking through the fence again at the
playground. We read somebody I was thinking more
like, you know, you meet somebody that's from
far away and you get lucky. Oh, how far away?
Couldn't be that far. Could be further. Come
from container. Oh, me and my friend, we come
from container. Container ship. We are container.
We live in container. We are container China
flower. That's where your girlfriend's from.
Oh, what's that? That's where your girlfriend's
from, the container ship. I wish, man. Come on.
Nah, because they come off all stinky and stuff,
and then you know what I mean, what are you going
to do with them, right? Well, yeah. Well, Larry,
that was kind of a double ending. I'm very happy
you just said that. They come off all stinky,
but they fucking give them a bath. You want some
sticky rice, right? They give them a fucking
bath before they fucking put them in the whorehouse.
See where your mind goes. I go straight to the
farm. I buy him off the container Wait till they
get to the field if you catch my drift How are
you gonna be able to fucking afford to go get
a container, huh? I'm not I'm kidding. I know
you're only gonna get one. I know, but I just
go up there, you know, it's a cash transaction.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Get yourself a container.
You know what I do? I walk up to them. Get yourself
a container. You know what I do? I fucking...
Oh man, it's Matt Barber. I don't care. Get off.
We're on the podcast, you faggot. Shit. You know
what I do? I go by the women's container. I have
them look at me. Yeah. Hilarious. If whichever
one doesn't jump, she's my new wife. If someone
doesn't flinch, unlike you, you are not wife
material, Larry. Absolutely not. I love you so
much. I'm not wife material. I love you so much.
You're sugar baby material, that's all you're
good. Fuck you. That's how you know it's the
truth. All right, okay We got food we ordered
a pizza With sausage and maragada Stuffed man
only three minutes in Huh only 26 minutes in
okay. That's fine, bro. Mary got a fucking What
is that called an artichoke stuffed artichoke
this motherfucker was? $13 for one stuffed artichoke
Mm -hmm. Can you fuck it? Mm -hmm. So then why
is it worth $13? I don't know. You could eat
it. Okay. Yeah. Don't want to play along with
me. I was a little high there. No, it's not worth
$13. Stuffed artichoke is amazing. It's asinine.
Why would you charge out? But who else is getting
stuffed artichokes when we're freaking... joint
that used to sell eight balls of pizza. It's
also a blizzard outside. Which is completely
true. What's that? It's not a blizzard at all.
What are you talking about? I don't know. It's
fucking pretty... You're fucking talking about
that it was a blizzard. Making me shoveling.
Oh, you know who got released man? No, let's
get back to this blizzard thing, bitch. You know
who got released? That Caroline Ellison. You
know who that is? Who the fuck is that? The one
with the dork broad with the glasses. They got
busted with Sam Baker and Fry. Sam Freebank,
whatever. The Jew guy. Yeah, his girlfriend.
Yeah, she's on the market, bro. She's fucking
gross. Well, that's why you should fucking...
She's got all the secrets. You should get into
her tunnels. You can become a tunnel Jew with
her. I don't want to be a tunnel Jew. Yeah, I
said no one ever. You know, shalo shalom. Come
on. You don't want to be a tunnel Jew? Whatever
happened to those guys? Remember they had like
a bunch of dirty mattresses too? They're down
there. They still got tunnels, I'm sure. Your
people are still down there? Yeah, man. Just
fucking living with the fucking Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles and shit. They found one tunnel.
Huh? They found one tunnel. You think that was
all that they had, was one fucking tunnel? Come
on. How? Did the Viet Cong do that? Right. I
mean, the Viet Cong had one tunnel. They had
lots of fucking tunnels. Tunnels all over the
fucking place, man. Those fucking noodle monkeys,
they fucking, you know, those are sneaky little
bastards. Tunneling like fucking crazy. All they
did was tunnel. The most fucking, my number one
fear in the world. That would be having to be
a tunnel rat back in Vietnam Climbing through
them with a you know, the flashlight and I had
all my god They'd have like snakes and they're
fucking be like all this crazy booby trap shit.
Yeah Fuck that shit man all for what a fake war
From the Gulf of Tonkin by Jim Morrison's dad.
Yeah, and then LB in a man. I was telling me
the other day He had that Lizard King bullshit
going on Lizard King who you know, he said I'm
Jim Morrison. Oh, yeah He probably was just saying
telling the you know telling the man I'm a lizard
person He was a dork in a band that's fucking
subpar the doors are subpar. They're really not
even that great They're pretty fucking good They're
not even that great. At that point in time, they
were just a fucking cut out for the CIA and MKUltra.
That's all they were. I'm the Lizard King. You
can do anything, you know what I mean? And like,
gay ass poetry and shit. Man! Men used to be
men. Then they turned into faggots, and then
men came back, and then now they're turning back
into fanooks, right? Coming from a guy. Who knows
all about it. Yeah, you do. You know what I mean?
Tough to ride your fucking scooter through Boys
Town now in the snow. Yeah. Way too slippery.
You actually got to ride it forward now. Yep.
You got to pay close attention. Actually, not
with your booty short, your pink booty shorts.
Ah, it's so stupid. Yeah, it's very stupid. I
know, but it makes me laugh. That was funny.
You're a fucking moron. I'm retarded. I'll tell
you that tomorrow. It's so easy to make you laugh.
Any dumb thing makes you laugh Yeah, yeah, you
you're a dumb thing. You make me laugh. That's
fucking funny. Haha All I'm gonna just say is
haha and you'll laugh haha Oh, it makes me laugh.
Your mind is getting softer and softer. Yeah,
it really is, man, with every hit, man. You want
to hear something crazy, bro? What? What's crazy?
Man, if this article would fucking pull up, man,
the fucking... They had this article that came
out within the last year that 850 women were
killed. Along the highways and they believe that
truckers did it huh that they're involved in
some sort of cross -country Murderous spree shall
I say very salacious stuff Wow stuff that would
make a white liberal lady Freak out come in her
pants. Yeah, you know what I mean like that's
what gets them off. Mm -hmm murder Rapist might
use your hole. I can't wait. We should have a
newspaper. We just print the worst stuff ever.
Rapist likes with young white ladies. In this
neighborhood. Single white rapist looking for
single. Now we're doing ads. Yeah. We started
our own ad company. Slow down, let's walk this
one around the block Larry So we start for felons.
We started dating service for convicted sex offenders
It's a little bit controversial, but we'll get
gay married and we'll pretend to kiss on camera
He can't even play along from the bit. He's like,
I said, not even kiss. So I said, no. You don't
want to do that in front of your black son. I
got to teach him the right way. He's like, this
motherfucker's gay as fuck. You got to teach
him right. You got to do that shit, boy. Right
from chicken wings. Listen to this fucking dummy
over here. Let's steer you wrong. Coming from
the guy who didn't know where his child's been
for the last four weeks. Yeah, and then we just
put him in a chicken bucket Let me tell you when
this mom gets back from he likes it she's gonna
be very upset. Oh, she like he likes it I mean,
it's definitely not getting us any listeners
or followers. No any of this stuff, which is
hilarious. That's why we think to do it You're
right there kiddo. No, I'm thinking Oh boy, that's
a problem you're thinking. You don't like having
followers and listeners, but also I really never
tell anybody about this because, God forbid,
if somebody that I knew fucking listened to this
fucking shit, you know, it would be fucking bad.
My whole world would be fucking done. Your whole
world what? It's not like you have an empire
that's supported by you. And it calls down Caesar
like a Nero over here. You are like Nero. You
go into the whorehouses at night and pretend
you're a slut and just be used. Is that what
he did? That's what he did, yeah. Nero was a
very, very... Come on. Twisted individual Nero
was very twisted and all those Greek people are
Catholics of Roman. Oh fucking got intertwined.
But also, uh, you know, they believed in Unix
Unix they would castrate these people they were
either used for music Well, they did it because
so they wouldn't fuck the girls and they use
them for their Hiram. They were the keeper of
the Hiram Which hey, you know Just slap your
meat all day and knock it off. It's got to be
the worst thing ever. It's horrible. That's like
purgatory for men And they agree to this this
is something How does this happen? I mean, how
do you get this job? Why would you want to fucking
do this? What job? Well, first of all, what does
this mean? You don't apply for it. How the fuck
does that happen to somebody? This is out of
touch with the working society you are, Larry.
Which, okay, wait a second. Do you want to be
a unit? No, but I'm thinking why would anyone
fucking want to do that? Well, first of all,
I think they're picked because they're a nice
looking twink. You need to lie candy around right?
I Think I think when they did that to him that
they fucking got real fat like when you get a
cat fixed or something and they blow up You know,
this is your analogy. Yeah, that's when you fix
a cat It looks like Nero or some sort of God
Greek. He got a cat named Nero. Yeah, I wonder
why She's part of the CIA. Right. That's all
right, though. Yeah, my wife will keep seeing
your letter. My wife is the CIA. I didn't say
I said she's part of. I didn't say she is. She's
part of it. You said it. I didn't. You're part
of it. You see my hand? You're fucking part of
the CIA. What is it? CIA? Yeah. Fucking. See?
Right in front of you, you didn't notice this
whole time, have you? Nah, I thought it was some
construction logo thing. It is a construction.
Actually, it's demolition of countries, and then
we come in there and do the most worst thing
you can think about, and pretend with false pretense
that we're gonna make this place better, even
though Gaddafi brought water to the fucking deserts.
Mary's getting the phone call. I don't think
you can hear it on the... Yes, you can. It comes
from the mics. Do you forget how recording works
all of a sudden? You have a full recording studio
and you're like, man, I don't think they can
hear though. I don't think you can hear it coming
through like the... The computer. Yeah. Onto
the thing like full volume like taking over everything.
It's just a background noise because the mics
are pointing this way. Yeah, but it's still bad.
Yeah, yeah. I mean... I really wish it was you
that got hit by a stingray instead of Steve Irwin.
Ah, man. What are you talking about? Are you
fucking nuts? Dude. I mean, you wouldn't take
it for Steve Irwin. Hell no. Fuck Steve Irwin.
I mean, the guy's a crocodile hunter. Who cares?
You know what? It's amazing he lived that long.
And it's crazy that a crocodile didn't kill him.
But it's amazing that he lived to be whatever
30s, mid -30s. Something like that. I mean, that's
like Australian 70s. Yeah. Especially if you're
hunting fucking crocodiles. Well, I mean, it's
in your name. Yeah. I mean, that's what you're
born and bred to do. Usually those guys don't
live to be a hunter. And then you find abroad
that's like, fuck yeah, this guy's going to just
put his head in a crocodile. And I'm going to
live on a fucking place that's got like a hundred
crocodiles around me and then we're just gonna
you know bang in the bedroom over here you live
on a crocodile reserve did he I would assume
so didn't he I don't think so I think he had
like a reserve that he stayed oh he might have
but I don't think he lived there whatever man
play along with my fantasy here all right And
they're just making sweet love in front of all
the crocodiles. And the crocodiles are just thinking,
I can't wait until these fuckers step out of
fucking pockets. Or she's like, hopefully she
miscarries. I can bite your leg off. Yeah. I
can use a tasty snack. But here's the other thing.
Oh, man. They're just waiting to fucking bite
your fucking legs off. Who was? The crocodiles,
man. Oh, I thought you were midgets. What do
you think they do? Crocodiles? Yeah. I mean they
do crocodile shit. I don't know what a crocodile
does. Yeah, they bite you and drag you into the
water. Well if you fuck with them it gets you
close. Oh yeah, did you get that spinning shit?
Into that death spiral. Yeah, death spiral. Yeah.
It's like this podcast. It's the death spiral
retardedness. It's like a fucking... It's like
a crocodile grabbed this show and fucking...
Oh yeah, it's just got a little poodle in its
mouth. It's just the tiniest poodle that motherfuckers
got a hundred miles an hour to spit in. You can
just see its fluff. Fucking whims breaking out
left and right. No, you just see the fluff coming
in. That'll be our new merch. We'll do a crocodile
with a poodle in its mouth. Well, no, you know
how like the cartoons they would just draw a
ball of fucking smoke with things flying out
Fur here and there and huh? Yeah Yeah, yeah the
cloud and that could be with the t -shirt looks
like well I remember seeing my cats in the backyard
fighting like that with us with a no You're talking
like old -school shit like with the yeah, it's
just a circle, but I actually saw it where long
It was a circle with the cats fighting, and you
couldn't see anything except fur coming out.
And every once in a while, it was the fur color
of my cat, and it was fucking freaking me out.
And I couldn't get in to stop fucking fighting.
You're like the Michael Vick of cats. No, I didn't
like when they fought. Dude, you were training
fighting cats. That's crazy. Your garage is just
a fucking cat fighting ring. But it's not like
a regular octagon. No. You know, like the wheel
where the dude's driving though. Inside the motorcycle.
Like a thunderball, you know. You just fight
cats. Yeah. Throw them in that little cage and
whatever happens, happens. Or you can give them
little motorcycles. That too. Actually, weapons
would be great. The cats aren't into being on
lots of stuff. No, they're not like I mean I
tried to fucking tried it twice I Tried to put
my cats in a basket on my bike and shit, but
they just jump out right like the retarded This
is an autistic EC. I wanted to fucking... You've
got your cats in your pants. I wanted to ride
around with my cats. Yeah, I mean, dude, let
me tell you, that statement has never been said
clearer than by an autist. I want to ride around
with my cats. Total fucking retard. But think
of how fun that would be. I want to ride around
with my cats. That's the name of the episode.
So yeah, you know and so I put him in there and
fucking took like two petals and the fucking
cat jumped out He fucking fell over and he killed
them both. No, they jumped out, you know, because
you know, here's the other thing even a second
Wait, you could even get the pedal the bike No,
I took one pedal and the cat jumped out and fucking
ran up. Wait a second You just took a fucking
cat from outside put it up. No, it was my cat
was Miss Kitty So then you're that way, dude.
I tried to put her in the basket. Okay, and then
you, were you high on heroin? Maybe. Yeah, okay,
this makes a lot more sense. Drawing a timeline
in my head as we speak. Here we go. So here's
the thing though, she sat in the basket like
all day and it was cool and as soon as I got
on the bike and started pedaling, she jumped
right out. Yeah, she's like, this is never tight.
I'm not getting in here with this guy. He's gonna
kill us both. Are you crazy? Fucking cat's way
smarter than you are. How many times have you
been hit by a car on your scooter? A couple.
Yeah. How many times have you crashed as you
have to pull your leg up because it's all fucked
up into your hip? Ah, man. It's cool. Oh, shit,
man. Huh? I'm alive. Barely. Look at you. Let
me tell you, there's a thing we call in this
parts of town a sugar baby depression during
the winter. This is what you're looking at right
now. This is a sugar baby depression. He can't
handle the cold. Look at him. He's got thermals
on. I got line pants and long underwear. He's
got line pants, long underwear. Socks. And he's
in his own house. This is how he dresses. A sugar
baby is not meant for the cold. And it's not
their natural habitat. They migrate south like
the birds do. And they go down there. And that's
where you bloom, you blossom like a flower in
the sugar baby community. But now here you stop.
Well, the sugar has stopped right now. Now you're
just stuck inside with your sugar mama. At least
during the summer, you can get out and parade
around the pool, you know, shake your ass for
the neighbors. Show them who the pool boy is.
My neighbor's dead, man. That doesn't mean you
don't have others. I know. Sounds just one. RIP
Norm. My neighbor there was my buddy. Norm was
a good dude, man. I'll remember Norm smoking
cigars, cracking old styles, listening to the
Cubs and watching them. Watching the ball game,
getting drunk in the garage. And then after he
was drunk, he would come over and then fucking
want to hang out with me. And I think he liked
Sherry. He tried to touch Larry's bum. I think
he liked Sherry. When he would see Sherry in
the pool, that's when he would want to come swim.
He gravitated towards Sherry. And Sherry fucking
of course. Love you, too. Yeah, we got a lot
of people some ailments going on. Mm -hmm This
motherfucker just walks out to get his mail has
a stroke Drops down has a stroke dies to lay
in there for a couple hours. No, no, no, no Dude,
we were we were there We went out to eat. It
was like an hour. Oh, it's like an hour. Yeah,
so but we don't know when he fell down You might
have been five minutes shit, man. We might have
drove right by him. No No, Larry drove right
by him and you didn't even notice him, dude.
Fuck you. Larry That's a really bad neighbor
Keep going like oh man looks like someone threw
a mannequin out. Let's go My chicken tenders
Wow, looks like someone's down on the ground.
All right, let's go. I'm hungry. Go check his
papers. No. Ola, he's like, hello. All right,
we're calling the ambulance. You were there when
the ladies came running up to me. Do you know
Roxanne? They didn't come running up to you.
Let me tell you, those ladies have not ran a
day in their life. Well. If you catch my drift,
you'll get it in a minute. I can't think of the
words. There you go. Yeah, I can't think of it
Cuz they're big as much. No, no then anyone else
gonna say what I was gonna say, you know Relatively
they ran up as much as they could run In your
mind you thought they ran up they came up frantic.
It was like a fat girl Yeah, they were not like
that at all. I was there. What were they like?
You tell me what they were like. What'd they
say? Not frantic. I thought they were pretty
frantic. Yeah, but you're a simpleton. My wife's
not a simpleton and I'm sure she doesn't fucking
think they're frantic. Look at you. Fuck you.
Look at you. Oh, I know. Who the fuck eats NECO
wafers? You're such a weirdo, too. It's like
some fucking nuclear war shit. You know, that's
fake as hell, too. It's been around since 1840
fucking... Yeah, I know. Why are you still...
Dude, there's some weird -ass shit going on in
those motherfuckers. Show the camera that. Anyone
knows what NECO wafers are? Mm -hmm. Listen.
If you want to be a sugar baby, we need to be
sponsored by Neko. Alright, enough. That's enough.
They're not paying us, dude. Maybe they will.
I mean, fuck. Maybe they'll send us. I don't
think they're gonna send us. If they sponsor
her. I will make you dress up like a Neko Wafers.
We will dress up fucking spauldingly like a Neko
Wafers. A Neko Wafers. Absolutely. We're definitely
not getting sorry. I apologize to our constituents.
Apologize to our Negro fans. You're just not
even thinking anymore before you speak. You're
just saying stuff. Welcome to Mushroom Larry
Talk. You know what's wrong with this country?
You know what's wrong is I don't think I took
enough. You're fucking higher than I am. No,
I'm just having a good time, dude. Look, why
are you wishing? I'm not even... I'm not wondering
about how high you are. I'm not worried about
how high you are, but I'm thinking maybe I should've
took more so I could be silly like you. I took
the same amount as you did. I know, I should've
took more so I could be as silly as you. That's
what I mean. Am I here to make you fucking laugh?
Am I here to amuse you? Yeah. Huh? Absolutely.
Why else do you think you - First of all, yeah,
with that - I mean, I swear to God, that nose
is getting way bigger, dude. And you look like
the Humpty Dance guy with that thing. Hey, yo,
fat girl. Are you ticklish? Dude, rap back then
was crazy. Tupac was a finook. Humpty was getting
some pussy though. Yeah. Well, he said he was
I mean, that's obviously now when you think it's
like will so Will Smith he's like I like girls
girls It's just him and a bunch of dudes fucking
bopping their head. They're like, all right,
well, we got to hear. I like imagine how times
you had to hear that. When they're mixing it
down and exactly shit and coming up. Man, this
motherfucker is gay is fun. Yeah, two dollar
bill. Three dollar bill. Queer is a three dollar
bill. That motherfucking Will Smith is. Well,
and then the funny thing is... And then his wife
fucks everybody in the world, right? Dude, that
cue ball bitch head? Come on, get out of here.
That's the fucking shit my nightmares are made
of. I don't want to fucking listen. She I don't
know what she got like Propecia alopecia Something
like that. It makes her fucking wear a wig. Okay,
you weird -headed bitch. That's what fucking
life's about That's why I wear a beehive or something.
Fuck cool. Get a mohawk Don't be a whiny bitch
and then have your family bitch. Get a mohawk
Fucking get a tattoo Lani doesn't look too bad
though for a guy This is true. This is true.
We're just gonna go today, too So fuck this fucking
there's this guy at this place that I hang out
This guy I met at Zebulon. He's a real cool dude.
No, no. There's this - There's this - Or whoever.
Chattalack and - Let me - Let me read - Let me
read fucking - Chattalack is a little bit - Let
me tell you. This is for real. Fucking gay charles
over here. So me and Evan are hanging out. It's
open mic night. In the taco joint. I guess I
can say where I was. In fucking - I mean, it
just said the taco joint. Just don't - I'm sorry,
I don't - I won't say the name of that. Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, I can't - I won't say the name
of it this time. Thank God. And so there's this
fanook there. Cass. You're just looking in the
mirror in the bathroom? No, listen. This guy's
name used to be Zag. And now he calls himself
Cass and it's short for Cassandra. And now this
motherfucker... Wait a second, Zag. Z -A -G.
Yeah. Why wouldn't he go as Gaz? G -A -Z. Gaz.
I don't know. I don't know why. You should ask
him that next time. I don't really talk to him,
but... Show him the group chat you're in. Okay.
Yeah, he'll love it. He'll start crying. I don't
know. He might try to kiss you. I don't know
This guy's pretty fucking gay. So anyways, he's
wearing a dress and shit, and he's got makeup
on, and he's got long hair, and a girl's fucking
do, like he went to the fucking beauty shop and
got a do. Hey, I respect that shit, dude. So
this guy's balls out, you know, and he's got
- No, I mean, what do you mean by balls out?
Wait a second, Larry, let me go - Meaning he's
reached up and shoved his balls into the car.
His nuts were out? So anyways, yeah. He sat down
and his skirt went up and he was balls out. I
say to Evan, I go, man, you know, it's a fucking
sad fucking thing when the hottest chick in the
fucking joint is a guy. Did you think that he
was hot? No. Oh, it sounded like it. But it's
just that. Oh, somebody said the hottest thing.
It was a fucking funny joke because we were fucking.
Oh, now it's a joke. Nothing worse than getting
a massage by a man I don't know how dudes do
that. Well, I've never fucking gotten a massage
by a man. Neither have I. Where would you do
that? I don't know. In the bath house? Well,
I mean, they're doing a lot more than that. That's
like the beginning of the portal. That's how
it starts. That's when the boom chicka boom boom
kicks in. The wah -wah pedal. Some guy with a
big mustache comes in. Yeah, they always have
a fucking mustache. Oh, I've never seen you here
before. Yeah, I think that's like a prerequisite
to fucking do porn, is you have to have a mustache.
Not anymore. No. I think you just don't have
to have AIDS. Yeah. I think that's the number
one prerequisite. You have to pass an AIDS test.
Oh, God. That leaves me high. Yeah, I was going
to say. Thank God we've been running to fucking
San Juan to get through your AZT medication.
So speaking of San Juan, fucking Ivan, Ivan,
my buddy in Columbia. That's not, I mean Puerto
Rico and Columbia are two different countries.
I know, I know. So speaking of two different
continents. My good buddy Ivan is like one of
my good buddies. I know, he's a great guy. He
is... His best friend like some guy that he fucking
grew up with and went to school with and all
this shit is about to become president of Columbia
if they don't about this if they don't fucking
you know kill all the guy yeah Exciting right
now and it's a couple months away or whatever
the election down there the election. Yeah I
mean, that's you know Can I tell you? It goes
on. It's fun. I've been watching rewatching Narcos
and it is crazy. They start with Escobar and
they move on to the Cali cartel and move on to
where it like breaks off to like Mexico and like
Ecuador and all these other fucking places. And
it's like, you know, who's always involved in
that? Huh? The CIA. Oh, yeah. Kingmakers, Queenmakers,
Shacklebom down in Mexico. Yeah. You know, you
play a part. Fucking play your boys or 20 something
people have been 37 people that got killed that
were running to that fucking spot for for uh
What do you call it president? But that's all
right though, then we had this thing called Fast
and Furious, remember that one? We caught the
fucking... There's this chubby Mexican chick
at the taco joint that kind of likes me. Slow
down, talk a little bit softer. She's attracted
to my Hello Kitty guitar. Oh, you know what,
Larry? You're just a pussy magnet. Everybody's
attracted to you. I mean, you got your sugar
baby vibe going. It was what fucking opened it
up. Huh? That's what fucking opened up the fucking...
The tortoise coming after you? Yeah. Well, just
the one. Yeah, but when there's one tortoise...
I know. There's a lot more. Let me tell you,
they breed like rabbits. There's a lot more tortoises.
I know. They're watching you from behind, afar.
I know. Gathering intel. And I actually brushed
up against her, too. Oh, she's pregnant now.
I know. Now she's pregnant. Shit, Larry. Right
in front of Spaulding. You can't do that. You're
going to have a brother or sister soon, Spaulding.
Or three of them. Because that's how usually
they're like hyena. They're going to be like
you, little half -breeds. All right, stop touching
the props. They're going to be... Mexican instead
of black. He's not gonna be Mexican, he's black.
I know, I'm telling him about his brother or
sister, whoever's coming. Oh, yeah, okay. Well,
you know what you should probably stop doing?
Huh? Rubbing up against Mexican girls. I can't
help it. I know you can't, Larry, but I'm just,
listen, as your, as your best friend probably,
I'm just giving you some, not even advice, just
a suggestion, because I don't give advice. Maybe
stop rubbing up against the tortoise. Tortoise.
What time are we at? Probably way over. Time
is a construct. We're right there. 59 minutes
or 40 something seconds. Cheers, my nigga. Because
I'm thinking about the pizza. And I'm thinking
about... Oh, you want a slice of cheese, do you,
Larry? Now I'm hanging out with James Elefantis
and doing Pizzagate. And then Podesta Brothers,
both of them. Will you order and then all of
a sudden that mean yeah, I mean is she here Yeah,
Mary said a long time ago. Yeah, man. I mean,
I can't even joke around. Is she here? I ordered
a slice of cheese Whoa, that's a sign from God.
Listen, we talked about this fucking broads.
They talk so much on the phone. Who the fuck
are you talking about? My wife talks on the phone.
My wife? Maybe more than anybody I know. Number
two whore in Kazakhstan. Very nice. Number two
prostitute in all of Kazakhstan. Oh, you know
what we're going to do? Here's a deal. You want
fucking free merch? We'll give it away. Send
us some shit. But I acquired a shoulder -mounted
Stinger rocket from the fucking Operation Desert
store. If you would like that, please send us
your P .O. Box. I swear to God, we won't ruby
-ridge you. Send us anything and not your underwear.
No ladies needles send you for kiki though the
boys I said needles will send you kiss. I will
kiss whatever you send Now that could be fucking
terrible you heard it here for kids whatever
you said On the air So come up with some good
shit this time. Something gross. And let me tell
you, we got some fucking merch that'll blow your
tits back. It's a very silly merch. Yeah. You
probably can't wear it at work. Well, probably
it'll be just worth it to see him kiss him. You
probably can't wear it anywhere except your house.
You scot them or something like that. Children
don't mind if it's 88 degrees out. Yeah. Fuck.
Felt like it was like two hours, man. Well, that's
because you're fucking whacked on drugs. Coming
from a guy who's whacked on drugs. That's what
I know. I'm also whacked on drugs. I know, as
I'm saying. Oh, shilly, shilly cast. That's all
right, though. All right, you want to go eat,
kiddo? Yeah, we can do another one. Yeah, we
can now listen check it out We're back to another
one need some more mushrooms. We're back to our
professionalism of having our intro song and
our exit song again, so Thanks for tuning in
peace Thanks for tuning in. One more fucking
try. Oh man, we need a producer. There it is.
Man, that song is so fucking good. I'm going
to play it twice. Thanks for tuning in.