Welcome to Larry Needles Show. Thank you very
much for tuning in. As you can see, I'm very
grateful. I'm Needles. I'm Larry. I'm Kiki. Happy
Friday to everybody today. Happy Friday. Even
though we probably won't air this till Monday.
Yeah. We had a viewer question those they wanted
to ask Larry how his new car was I Shouldn't
laugh. Yeah, but the Lord giveth and the Lord
take all I say get the lighter, please I got
a brand new, well not brand new, I got a 2011
Camry for my wife. I had. Because I didn't want,
I said I got, I bought. I got a car. So we bought
a car. Technically you still got it. Because
I wanted her to, you know, be safe because our
other cars are quite a bit older than 2011. Let's
just go with car talk right off the bat. And
so, first time we got insurance two days ago.
First time fucking driving the thing. Some bitch
pulls out right in front of my wife. Couldn't
even stop. I mean, like, I'm talking five feet
in front of her, plowed right into her, T -boned
her. Thank God that she got the ticket. It was
her fault. That wasn't your wife. No, no. It
was the other lady's fault. So needless to say,
Larry's car is... Donzo one day drove it for
fucking ten minutes, and then here's the other
thing that's bad though now my wife another lost
to Larry She's all bruised up her chest and shit,
and that's cuz Larry's on steroids and that has
nothing to do with the car I also got I got bronchitis.
Yeah, you got no time for that nobody That's
what we wanted you to do. I thought I was gonna
die I woke up in the middle of the night get
me a cold pop how cold It was fucking cold, and
I thought I smelled smoke, and I said, Lord Jesus,
it's a fire. Oh, a fire? I ran out the house.
Well, you wanna know why she didn't know? Because
her smoke alarm wasn't working because it kept
beeping. The ceiling bird. You don't know what
that's from? Why do I have a ceiling bird? You
don't want to have time for that? I know where
I'm from, but... So no, so I got diagnosed...
Wait a second, let's catch Kiki up. Remember
the black lady that said her house is on fire
and she ran... I got bronchitis! I got bronchitis!
Yeah, but that's why she didn't realize it was
on fire because the ceiling bird was a jerk.
But two days ago... It all comes together, holy
shit! I thought I was gonna die because I couldn't
fucking breathe at all. I thought I had pneumonia
for sure. You're like Larry Floyd. Cause it was
going on. Wait a second. What's the date today?
What's the date today? 18th? No, is it? 17th.
So wait a second. George Floyd, six years clean.
14th. That was George Floyd's birthday, wasn't
it? No, his birthday is on Charlie Kirk's birthday.
Yeah, the 14th. Yeah, something like that. So
it was three days ago. So you missed George Floyd
by one day. So I went to the doctor. I went to
one of those, remember, you walk in places. Well,
you went to what's -his -name's clinic. Vinnie
Boombats. No, Tom's. Oh yeah, Tom's. Yeah, but
he went in ass first. I went to Tom's and it
turned out I had bronchitis. He took some x -rays.
He got a new x -ray machine from a veterinarian
that didn't need it anymore. So I had to get
pretty low for the x -ray. Yeah, he's like, you're
in between this raccoon and this cat that has
diabetes missing a leg. I can't lie. Yeah, we
call him Bernie Mac. So I feel better that it's
bronchitis instead of pneumonia, but I am all
fucking steroided up now. And he just wants to
fight and fuck right now. Who knows what's going
to happen first? But smoking's good for you while
you're in bronchitis. Oh yeah, they said smoke
as much as you can. You should do cocaine too
while you're at it. Let's bring the sphere together.
And then he said, here's a phone book. Work the
body, not the face on your wife. But yeah, no,
so Larry Carr, RIP. So now, yeah, we got to deal
with this shit. No, that's right, though. You'll
get a couple fucking shackles and you'll be good.
Hopefully you get the same amount that you paid
for the car. Yeah, we just paid probably $8 ,800
for that. $8 ,800. Man, it must be warm up. And,
um... Yeah, shoulder hurt. Yeah, it's fucking
sad, because, you know, she really liked the
car, too, and it was a nice car. So now we gotta
fucking go through that bullshit again. Fuck
the government. They fucking really just bamboozle
you out of everything. I was thinking the other
day, I meant to say it last week, we were talking
about Rogan. You know, Rogan this, Rogan that.
You were talking about Rogan last week? Yeah,
a little bit. Somebody was on his show that we
were talking about. Oh yeah, the fucking O. And
the thing is, his name is Rogan, it's so close
to Rogan, and the fucker don't have a hair on
his head. This is what you think about. Doesn't
that seem a little ironic to you? Not really.
His name is so close to Rogan, and he's fucking
bald. I mean, you're making my head hurt right
now. You really are. That's what you came up
with? You ever written down on a piece of paper?
So I didn't forget. I wrote down Rogan. You wrote
that down on a piece of paper? I wrote Rogan
down because... Rogan Rogane. I mean, you're
fucking like John Panetta over here. Well, here's
the thing, man. I didn't want to forget. Hey,
you know what? I'm going to get back to your
car real quick. The accident. Is Illinois a no
-fault state? As in, if you're an illegal, then
you have no fault. No. Well now, you know, San
Diego, I got t -boned by a guy. Going down a
hill. I was at stop sign. He was supposed to
stop I go through he just goes right through
the stop sign because the Sun was setting He's
like, I didn't even couldn't even see the damn
stop sign. I really think this is just a euphemism
for gay sex underneath the boardwalk. He got
me real good. He ran me real good. I hate those
stop sign situations. He rear -ended me. Guy
rear -ended me right under the boardwalk. But
now all of a sudden we call the cops and the
cops are like Nah, they're like, was anybody
hurt? I'm like, oh yeah, Illinois isn't. So he
didn't get a ticket? I'm like, no. He's like,
well, it's a no -fault state, so it doesn't matter.
Like, even like my insurance, they're like, well,
technically you weren't at fault, but you're
still getting screwed with your insurance. Oh,
really? Yeah, oh, my insurance skyrocketed. Ours
is not a no -fault state. The other lady's insurance
is going to pay for us. Yeah. Well, no, even
if you don't get a ticket. Their insurance still
cover my car, but my insurance, like now, there's
no tickets issued. Yeah. Nothing. Thank God she
got a ticket. No, no, we just talked about this
with my Kia. Remember dude, so fucking dude.
I was driving down the fucking road. Some guy
break checks me. I run into him I'm in a Kia
this guy's in a huge Tahoe a fucking I chased
this guy down to get his license plate It's not
a Kia truck ladies and gentlemen. No, no, it
was a little it was the school It was the hamster
Kia the one with the whatever. Yeah, and uh the
fucking uh, he has code for little sweet. It
was a gear Very gay, but uh, what do you call
it? Um The fucking guy, the brake checks me again.
And then so I pull up next to him and I'm like,
what the fuck? Yeah, he rams into my car. Larry
saw my car. Yeah, I did. It was hit on every
single side. This guy in a huge Tahoe. He was
trying to kill you. Dude, he fucking T -boned
me. Yeah, he T -boned me. Yeah, you don't go
against a bigger truck. Dude. He owned me, and
we were on the highway, and we're doing like
55. And he's just hammering the gas. Pushing
him sideways. And I'm looking right at him. Dude,
my driver's side was pushed like all the way
in. It was like all the way fucking up to me.
Holy shit. I didn't get a ticket. The guy got
a ticket, and I still, my insurance went up.
No, that's all of a sudden. That's what I mean.
Sorry. My insurance, yeah, my insurance. That
was a real problem. But his insurance pay for
it? No. I had to go to the company, and then
they said that I was supposed to get double of
what I got from the insurance company, and they
didn't give it to me. Sorry, Kiki. Those fucks.
But that's what's fucked up now. All of these
blue states are fucking no -fault states. Dude,
first of all, they're giving... I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to interrupt you, but they're giving
licenses to people that say no given name. Yeah,
no name given. First of all... Well, they said,
well, they're giving them C -class truck driving
license. Yeah, they're giving them both. You
have a fucking deadly weapon. Check this out,
though. We all know... What it go what you got
to go through to the fucking state, Illinois
to get your fucking license How many may have
pieces of mail and other IDs with pictures Social
Security card of birth certificate passport How
do you get through and have a blank spot on your
card? What do you mean? How do you really are
you really asking? Yeah, but I mean how how is
this possible man? We mean how is it possible?
It's a blue state. They go to the DMV, they pay
these people off. We live in a blue state. Yeah,
they pay these people off. Remember Dan Ryan?
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or, dude, they fucking, that
was a cute - Jim Ryan? Jim Ryan, yeah, Jim Ryan,
my bad. Dan Ryan's a highway. Dan Ryan's a expressway.
Yeah. Jim Ryan got busted. Oh, yeah, he did he
got he was a secretary He was giving out legal
licenses And what happened was a tractor trailer
rammed into a fucking car full of people on the
highway killed all four of them guys on drugs
same bullshit Listen, it's the same shit over
over here. Tell you what itself if I was secretary
of state I'd be doing the same shit. I'll tell
you what though, if I owned a business and it
was a trucking company and some asshole came
to me with a CDL that said no name given for
first name, I would not hire the motherfucker.
You're $50 ,000 to hire me. Well, no, you know
what they do though. No. Why would they do that?
They're $10 .99, they're self -employed. They're
just getting hired to deliver something. Yeah,
but first of all - You're picking up, they're
a middle man. But here's the deal though. You
have, okay, so this guy has this license. You
gotta have a liaison, a middleman, like you said,
a conduit to put him with this person that's
gonna hire him. They're getting kickbacks to
hire these people. Well, if they're driving a
company truck, yeah. Who's getting the kickbacks?
Exactly, the fucking state. It's all like USAID
shit, man. It's all trickled back. It's probably
some NGO. Yeah. You know? Non -gay official,
unlike you. Yeah, I was writing down this thing.
Some Haitian cover. Yeah, some guy who fucks
chickens and drinks blood. I was listening to,
you know, I was thinking of that Beatles song
where he's like, and the FBI, and the CIA, and
the BBC, BB King, Matt Busby, dig it. Dig It,
you don't know that one, okay? No, I've never
heard of this thing. This is the most vaguest,
fetal song ever. It's a deep cut, man. Yeah,
it's very vague. What's the name of it? It's
called Dig It. And then I just started writing
down all the fucking things, and I thought I'm
gonna make my own song that says fuck the A -T
-F. I thought you should put Nigget. HHS, IDF,
FISA, FBI, CIA, CDC, MI6, MI5, CFS, CDC, ICE,
IRS, IRA. There's so many of them. D -E -I. Here,
listen. C -P -D, C -P -S. Jesus, man. The who?
W -E -F. You know what I mean? Okay, now you're
just reading off acronyms. But I'm just saying
there's so many. What do the E -T -F and chocolate
have in common? They'll kill your dog. Ruby Ridge.
Because they killed fucking what's -his -nuts
-his -dog. Snuggles? Of course, snuggles. Yeah.
RIP Snuggle. He died in vain for two inches on
a sawed -off shotgun. You know, I just saw...
I got to watch it. Not that it's Raider. Interview
with the guy that was on... That survived. Gary
Ridge. Is that what his name is? Ruby Ridge?
Yeah, he survived. Yeah, Gary Ridgeway. I got
to watch that. I think it was. Yeah, two inches
short on a shotgun. But you know, listen, here's
the fucking deal. We're in a police state right
now Literally, we can drive 20 minutes away from
here and be completely involved in a riot right
now Yeah, which would be amazing because tomorrow's
that protest and it's literally gonna be fucking
blocks away, dude Yeah, well that black protest.
Yeah, no King's not tomorrow 20 minutes away.
I'm gonna tell you right now. They're gonna have
the highway shut down Everything every time they
say no Kings I think of some black dudes. Martin
Luther King? Total Sanuk? Well not Martin Luther
King shit, but it's like the blacks call themselves
kings. Latin Kings. Well, here's the thing, though.
If there were kings, there'd be no - Protests.
Yeah, there'd be - There'd be no protests against
them. They would reel out the guillotine, and
everybody would - Who wants to protest first?
Yeah. Boom. And that's how they make an example
of it. Absolutely. That's what they fucking do.
Hey, boy, were you stealing? This is your Saudi
Arabian friend. Yeah, I was stealing. All right,
put your hands on this block. I'm going to chop
them off. That's what we need. We need fucking
repercussions. We need people to be scared. On
the third strike, you lose a hand if you steal.
Third strike? Not even the third strike. Third
strike? You're a lenient motherfucker. Well,
I think it's just because you've got such big
hands that take two chops. Here's the thing.
Underage kid stealing a candy bar from the drug
store. That sounds like Larry's fantasy. They
lose a finger and you tell them when you get
older, dude. Well, first of all, you're going
to know an aunt, an uncle, a friend. You're going
to see a guy fucking two -digit Larry. This one
was a Hershey bar. Imagine those guys just eating
that dirty food with their two fingers, man.
You can always tell them. They're usually skinnier
because they can't scoop as much. We're living
in the greatest. We've lived in the greatest
times, man. These are the best of times and the
worst of times. Our parents actually grew up
in the best of times. We had no technology and
now we're flush with technology. I could live
without the technology. Let me tell you, my parents
don't know how to do shit on the phone. They
watch stupid TV. All day long? No, my mother
has... Wow, but they're old. Yeah, my mom makes
sure she has the exact same kind of phone I have
at all times because I could go over there and
work her phone for her and shit. She has a thing
where it's hooked straight up to her hearing
aid. So all of a sudden, you don't even hear
her phone ring or anything. It's on hearing aid
and all of a sudden she's talking to somebody
and you're like... Wait, what the fuck? Are you
losing your mind? This bitch is crazy, yeah.
Did she get my eyeballs again? But it's just
funny that people are like they got nothing else
better to fucking do How about you faggots get
to work? Don't go out on a Saturday and impede
working people that want to get to work and have
got to do their bullshit That's that's all that
matters Highways I've been in the back of an
ambulance and when I see an ambulance go by I
always say fuck. I hope they make it Imagine
now you're in a situation like that where you
got to get to the hospital But don't you think
that's like almost like murder, you know Fucking
retarded. Thank you. That's fucking like, it's
like rejuvenating lives and shit. Oh, well that's
a guess. Should we just care? All of a sudden
you think these people care? First of all, you
should be able to fucking run right through them
at your car. Two things I believe. Two blacks
shouldn't hang, no more than two blacks should
hang out anywhere at any time. No more than four
liberals at any time. or you're allowed to plow
them. Which way though? With your car? Yeah.
Well, here's the thing though. The last time
they did the King's protest, wasn't it during
the Biden administration? Oh, shoot, I'm about
to slam you, Benz. I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm
not sure. If this is the first... Hey, Maria!
No, this is not. Did they ever have a no -Kings
protest when Biden was president? No. They did
have one, but it was still against Trump. Well,
yeah, it was against Trump because he was running.
So they wanted, or when Kamala was running. It
wasn't against Biden, who was actually more like
a king than any president. But here's the thing
though, with Trump as president, I think they're
more lenient if you plow through the crowd now.
Like in Florida? If you protest on the street,
you're a free game. I'm sure there's going to
be guys in trucks. Fuck all this bullshit. We
need to talk about how the Muzzies are taking
over Minnesota. That's going to be a big fucking
problem. You know we need to build a wall around
Minnesota. That's what we need to do. And then
you know what we need to do? But there's a lot
of beautiful country there. OK, how about this
then? I'll give you another. How about this?
You know those big planes when they scoop up
the water? We do pig's blood. We just fly over
them. Oh, we just scoop up Muzzies. We do bacon
on little parachutes, you know, the army guy.
We do hot dogs at the ball games. Take all the
fucking wild boars through Florida, truck them
up there, and you start splitting it through
a tower. What we do is we build a chain link
fence around Minnesota. We put boars in between
them, and then we build another fence. And here's
the other thing. It's the land of 10 ,000 lakes.
We could give them maybe like 12 of them. No.
Twelve of them. No. Ten thousand of them. We're
not giving them any. This is my America. Yeah.
First of all, we blood them with pig's blood.
Yeah, and in my America, it's no bluzzies. Actually,
that's the better answer, but you know what?
I'm being tolerant right now. I'm being a Christian.
You know what I mean? As Funtates would say,
yeah, we're not here to kill anybody. No, just
name them. Yeah, we just want to scare them so
they leave. Or yes, exactly. Just make them realize
that... But it is really aggravating if some
assholes would be fucking blocking the highway.
Yeah. I remember we were in fucking, check this
out. Listen, you're not going to be able to drive
downtown anywhere. Ambulances are not going to
get through like you said. Cops are not going
to get through like you said. Shit is going to
be going. Here's what they did. This is the most
opposite of what, no kings. The surfs are out
there fucking other surfs. for no kings right
now. Well, we'll see how the National Guard,
ICE, and all them handle these no ICE protests.
We were going to... Somebody's gonna get shot,
somebody's gonna get killed, the bomb's gonna
go off. Santiago, Chile, the city, from the airport,
and all of a sudden... the traffic just stops
and the cab driver just turns the car off. And
we sat there for like three hours and I'm like,
what the fuck is going on? He says it is a protest,
a political protest. They started the whole highway
on fire. And so by the time we got by there,
you could see the remnants of all this shit that
was on, and some shit still on fire. They had
traffic moving in and I told, I was with Mr.
X and I said, dude, We're gonna fucking see this
shit on the news tonight. And he's like, oh,
fuck yeah. And they didn't say a fucking word
about it. Yeah, protest or gay, cause you know
what? Just like here though, like because the
left fucking leaning government doesn't want
you to see. You'll see it all over the place
tomorrow. Internet is - But we didn't see anything
about it. You're in Chile though. Yeah. That's
completely different than fucking the United
States. I'm just saying though, that was the
first time I experienced getting shut down and
it was - I'll tell you right now, I can find
a feed, I'm sorry to interrupt you, I'll get
quick. I can find a feed right now that people
are gearing up right now for the protest tomorrow
and they're out there all night already and somebody's
filming it and I can find it. So is it tomorrow?
Yes, 18th. Well here's the thing too, I don't
understand like these protests. You think people
are going to get behind you when you're shutting
down hybrids? Right. That's the worst way. Well,
but people don't think like that. Let's make
friends. You're going to fucking make everyone
mad at you. Yeah. You know, it'd be great though.
We could probably go into that crowd and just
grab butts all day long. Yeah, but just sexually
assault all the blue hairs. And you'd have a
mask on. They'd never find out who it was. But
you know what's going to happen? You're going
to hit a mixed bag every once in a while, if
you know what I mean. Always. Most of those chicks
have Adam's apples. Yeah, I got that door knocker
all of a sudden. Oh, because some of those loonies
are pretty good. There are some good -looking
loonies out there. It's like a knock -knock joke.
Knock -knock. Who's their Paula? It's just like
anything. There's always good -looking people
out there, but their fucking minds are warped
right now. What, did you see that one broad that
got charged with trying to kill an ICE agent
or officer? She had some tattoo on her forehead
and a bunch of earrings everywhere. What'd it
take? What's that? You see it? What was her name?
Yeah, she had some kind of like, some, it almost
looked like the Nazi... Was it written or tattooed?
Swastika wings, but it was something... Oh, the
Waffen, the Luftwaffen. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah.
Oh Mike, oh my mrs. Kelly bail bail her out,
but there was no swastika. Oh, yeah, she had
the I think she had nose ring like What do you
call that? I get a 9 -volt battery and we do
full play with it. What did they call though?
Oh, it's like a bull ring. It's like some sort
of ring. What was the name for that though? The
septum? The septum piercing. Yeah, but she wasn't
bad -looking. Minus the ring But they're just
for play though, you think they'd take a 9 -volt
battery? I know a couple of those ring girls.
A little tug. They're not all so bad. The funny
thing is - Who's not all so bad? A lot of those
girls with those rings like that. No, they're
brainwashed. I know a lot of them. They are brainwashed.
Which brings me to my next point. Oh boy, here
we go. I made the fucking punk rock thing Tuesday
night. Which please don't use that when you show
these, because that's not punk rock. I know,
but this is how brainwashed they are. These are
four stickers I got. I got them in little plastic
stagefarm things. Show them the sticker first.
This is at your show? Not my show, but it was
an open mic. One of them says, is he dead yet?
The other sticker says, voting is hard, fascism
is harder, which I don't really even get. And
then they got, fuck ICE with the Run DMC. That
sort of looks like it, yeah. Which is cool, because
I like Ike. I do like that, yeah. It almost looks
like fuck Ike. And then this one's funny. Don't
be a Jagoff. Fight fascism. And I think I'm just
going to cut this one and just have it don't
be a Jagoff and stick it on a guitar. I mean,
so I love how State Farm sponsors that. Well,
I was at the insurance place. I had to get some
paperwork. Oh, you had to get some cards. You're
like, hey, can I put my faggot stickers in here?
This is crazy. These people are idiots. Who's
making those stickers though? And this is at
a show. Some band or some kid. We should hand
out our own stickers. That's what they do. Someone
made them. Yeah, we should hand out our own stickers.
Can you come up with a good one? I'm giving you
something to do right now. Okay, let's do it.
My god, he just looks at me. Yeah. But the fuck
ice with the Run DMC is here. Democrats are faggots.
That's what we should make. That's a good one.
You know what I mean? Okay. You understand now?
Can you pick up with that? I'm picking up with
your legs. Does your blue hair match the drapes?
That's a good one. There you go. See? My other
car is Kamala Harris. I mean, you can't do this
with me? No back and forth with you guys? What
the fuck? Oh, man. How many inches under your
neck is the highest tattoo? Dude, that is the
longest bumper sticker ever. Jesus. It didn't
even make sense either. Neck tattoo, comma. I
see you've had sexual intercourse with your family.
I know that's a little long. I mean, that is
a comma in it, even. You might land a tilde It's
a complete bumper sticker man Larry I mean, yeah,
it's a whole bumper sticker What starts at one
end of the one wheel well to the other oh My
god, well, I mean you did try Larry. I'll give
you that You're just wearing fucking stanzas
now. I do love it. But yeah, no, these people
are insane, which I love. I could say, I got
one for you. Vegan, with a question mark. Does
my dick in your mouth count? I mean, Larry, you
can't, a bumper sticker is simplistic. It's not,
you just can't. Can you hear this guy? These
can be t -shirts, not bumper stickers. If you
don't like girl sex, keep your mouth shut. I
like young and dumb. That's how I like them.
You got, I mean, it's like... I got one. Hey,
I think I know your dad. That's pretty good.
I mean it's not even it's horrible My head hurt
it was so bad you actually drew attention to
us to watch that bomb hey guys look at this shit
bag I'm about to throw But that's all right though.
The funny thing is is that I wonder where...
Come here, I got a rag for you to sniff. Yeah.
Smell my flower. But I'm telling you though we
could fucking we would probably clean up there
too It's like uh, but what do these people do
during the day? That's what I don't understand
cuz I know they bust a lot of these fucking people
in obviously, you know what? And I mean shout
out to JP JB fucking fat boy fat and It's white
Brandon Johnson. They are doing the best job.
I've ever seen anybody do you see Pritzker said
he won 1 .4 million dollars winning black Yeah,
I mean he didn't go and tell anybody but people
found it lucky night one night like holy shit
man you're the luckiest son of a bitch i ever
know playing cards playing blackjack yeah that's
such bullshit yeah like they would say get this
motherfucker off the table i'm gonna tell you
right now who's this fat fuck he's gotta eat
he's not gonna sit down and do a run maybe he
spent a hundred and four million dollars in on
food no but here you want to do some blue hairs
well i have a theory of what it's about because
you know online games a gambling came to Illinois
this year, okay? So it's a kickback. And so they're
gonna say, you know what I mean? Like that's
how they paid them off. Because it's all for
gambling. No, yeah, we're gonna let you win 1
.4 million. You give us the license, the first
license of online gambling. It's like sporting
draft kings or sports, something like that. Where
did he win this? It supposedly was at, oh, in
Vegas. Someone's gotta find the video now. This
wasn't at the Elgin Boat. This is a way for them
to legally give them a kickback. Yeah, well not
legally because you got to fuck it He's got to
show the guy playing cards chips. They don't
do anything First of all, if you if you're playing
1 .2 million dollars, I've seen I mean, I this
is gonna be boring for people But I've seen fucking
like Dana White and these guys gambled you watch
them. They're quarter five hundred thousand dollar
hands Yeah, and then he lose he loses 2 .2 million
and win 700 back and he's at the table for eight
hours. Yeah Fat boy Pritzker, like I said, he's
gotta eat. And you can smell the buffet from
the floor. He didn't sit there for no eight hours.
But no, they have cameras in Vegas. Yeah. The
cameras all over this is Vegas they can rig one
hand You can bet three hands win all three. I
won. There's no way I mean come on, but yeah,
it's just funny though that this is the world
We're in right now. We're living in the fucking
live. What do you call it? Libya fucking the
United States right now shit is go actually not
Libya at all general butt naked But general butt
naked of Uganda where these guys are just buck
wild, going into war, doing whatever they want.
Pritzker took three toilets out of his house,
dropped his taxes. Eleven toilets. Eleven toilets,
by the way. Three hundred grand he got dropped
off of the house. That's what it was. He probably
left two toilets. Who takes toilets out to get
a tax break when you're the governor? A smart
motherfucker. Well, not at all. Dirty motherfucker.
You have so many properties and you don't use
them. You should dress up as, I'll be his cousin,
I'll be his trans cousin and you can be Pritzker
for Halloween. Alright, that's a great idea,
I'll take a picture. Fucking, here's the thing
though, if you have the money for all those mansions
and houses and have a place where you can remove
11 toilets, we got one toilet in this house.
When you can remove 11 toilets and you have multiple
houses like this, you should have to fucking
pay the full taxes. That's not bad, it smells,
too. And then where you get... Dude, 11 toilets
is a lot. That's a fucking... You got maids and
shit. You were talking a lot of fucking room
for 11 fucking toilets, man. Yeah, but they're
not getting used every day, all of them, I don't
think. No, I think they took them off the premises
so when they came in to inspect the house, well,
he paid somebody off. They had to remove them.
They had to remove them, yeah. Is that bunk still
going? Yeah. Never forget about the USS Liberty.
It's sad how all that shit works, but there's
loopholes for a reason. Well, yeah, for rich
people, not poor people. We're just going to
keep getting fucking Shambuzels. Shambuzels by
Jews. But yeah, didn't he say he was gonna donate
it to charity or something? No, I think he said
he wanted me. Well, I guarantee it's gonna be
his own charity. Yeah, I think he said he wished
he could find it in his heart to donate. Yeah.
But he just can't. I think that's the name of
the donut shop charity. Yeah. I wish I could
find it in my heart. That's all right. He's gonna
fucking... Hey, you know, I give fucking half
all the money I earn. to charity. She's a stripper.
When she's not working, I give it to Destiny.
And when she's not working, you give it to Steve.
Boys gotta do what the boys gotta do. I blew
like 90 % of my money on fucking fast women and
drugs and cheap booze. And then the other 10
% I wasted. Wait, what'd you say the other 10
%? 90 %? That was an old baseball player said
that. Fast women and what? Fast women and drugs
and cheap booze. And the rest of it I wasted.
Yeah, that's such a great line. That is gold.
It really is. But that is gold. It is. Here's
one Yogi Beres said, he goes, I don't want to
go to that place. There's too many people. Nobody
goes there anymore. Those aren't classics. Yeah.
They never get old. They always put a smile on
my face. Is nobody gonna talk? We're just gonna
sit here? We're waiting to know how great Yogi
Bear was, man. Oh, that's great, you weirdo.
Wow, what a great guy. How do you know? Do you
meet him? Oh, yeah, he was my uncle. Okay. No,
I didn't meet him. Played Tummy Sticks with him?
Yeah. Ha ha, Tummy Sticks. What the hell is Tummy
Sticks? I have no idea. Something that Roller...
Some gay shit. Something that Roller does. Alex
Tummy plays Tummy Sticks with his uncle. What
is it? Is he really doing it? I don't know, dude.
I just think he's doing some gay weird pedophile
shit with his uncle. It sounds like a stick you
put in your belly button. No, it sounds like
you play on your tummy and your uncle just spanks
your ass or something. Oh, man. And it's called
tummy sticks. Your tummy sticks to the floor.
After he's done with you. That was great. Tummy
sticks together after you jizz on each other.
Exactly. I'm thinking of the wrong kind of stick
here. At first I was thinking of the sticks you
play with outside. So was I. You're making more
of sticky fucking fluids. You know how sticky
it can get. Oh lordy. So man, I've been playing
the fucking guitar so much that it's ridiculous.
How much have you been playing the guitar? So
much. Nice. What's your next gig? Don't tell
me November 6th through 11th. November 7th. That's
how it always happens and all of a sudden I'm
out of town. Well, me and Bobby are gonna go
Tuesday night to the taco joint so people who
are watching this on Monday can go. Hopefully
nobody I know is watching so I don't think they
are especially if you just show those stickers
I can't believe these people fucking say that
they're punk rockers and hang out this gas. Well,
here's the thing man I understood these guys
are they're young and dumb. No, they're not.
They're not that young. It's all ages like old
as me Between I'd say the ages of you know teenagers
to fucking 40 fucking 50 year old people hanging
out smoking. Older than that, you said, that
old lady with the tattoos that was on stage.
There was an old lady fucking, okay, there was
this chick that's probably maybe a little younger
than me. She hangs out there. I always talk to
her, but I should know her name. I forgot her
name. And now it's like one of these things where
you know someone so long. And it's too late to
ask her name again? Which is the weirdest thing
ever. I know, but it's just weird. I mean, you
can't just ask one of your friends what her name
is. Yeah, I will. And fucking not. Oh, you just
thought of that, didn't you? I will. Well, but
at the point, yeah, I don't care. It's just weird,
because I never think of it until I see her.
But all of a sudden, she's up on stage jamming,
with a fuck ice sticker on each. The milk is
sour. The old lady. Oh, I thought it was the
old lady. No, it's some old lady that's singing
with her. She's got some milk and sour stickers.
Yeah. And she's got tattoos all over. She looks
like she's an actual mob barker, like a biker
bitch from the old days. And she's up there singing
hardcore shit. And I'm like, what the fuck is
going on? And there was a kid playing drums,
this kid Nick. He's really fucking good. Imagine
him to take that lady home. And yeah, they fucking
belted out a few songs. And I was just like,
wow. I had no idea that she probably told me,
I play and all that, but I just, yeah, yeah,
whatever. Which, because she's a chick, you know?
Yeah, I'm a misogynist. Yeah, which skirt should
I wear with my BLM flag? How about this, you
dumb bitch? Why don't you clean the sink and
get stuck in the fucking dishwasher? Get stuck
in the dishwasher first. Yeah. I'll clean that
blue hair right out. I think that's a sign of
mental illness. She doesn't have blue hair. Okay,
Larry. I mean, there you go. That's a way to
work with jokes. The other lady had gray hair,
like she was a grandma, like an old lady. Did
you check her oil? No. I didn't even approach
them because I was kind of frightened of her.
You were frightened of an old lady? Nah, just
frightened of the fact that she's an old lady
screaming out some hardcore shit. It wasn't like
punk rock cover songs. It was more like some
kind of grindcore. It sounds like all of my ex
-girlfriends an old lady screaming out shit.
I didn't feel the need to fucking talk to her.
I didn't feel the need to talk to her. Probably
a good thing. I may have to deal with that in
the future. But she was also a dog. She was an
old lady. She wasn't even good looking though?
Some of the old ladies can have some fun stuff.
Not at all. Yeah, but she wasn't that good looking
at all. kind of tough being a punk rock broad
wearing depends. You know what I mean? Fucking
snatches leaking and you're just playing the
Ramones. I don't know about that. It was far
from the Ramones. Diaper break. Yeah, you can
just see she's wearing like yoga pants. You can
see the diaper on her. Hey, no, listen. You guys
are idiots. Hey, you guys are idiots. Because
if that was the case, she'd be the biggest fucking
thing. The belle of the ball? There'd be enough
perverts online that would want to see that.
Yeah, online, but we're talking in person. Well,
then you'd build up a following online. Larry,
you're talking about getting a whole team together,
hiring fucking marketing people. Dude, it doesn't
take a whole team, man. You take a fucking movie
with your iPhone. How did you get from Kiki and
I busting this old lady's balls for wearing diapers?
Well, I'm thinking of setting up an online account
for her. Because now I'm thinking of the fucking
money that could be made from the perverts that
would watch this lady shit herself off. So you're
going to become a pimp. He's going to be the
manager over here. No, you're going to become
a pimp for an old lady. Don't say manager, you
dummy. It's a pimp. Yeah, you should slap yourself
for that one. But that's, so now you're going
to get a fucking, what's that called? A hostile,
not a hostile, but what are they called with
all the horses in there? No, no, no, no, no.
Stable. Stable. Yeah. You get a stable. This
is stable of grannies. This is like, you get
them in like depends thongs. You hear the diaper
ruffling. Send them out to a bachelor party.
You know, send her to bachelor parties. Huh?
Dude, Larry, now you're transporting prostitutes.
I'm not gonna take that. Dude, this really went
on pretty quick here, man. Don't go over state
lines. Yeah, I mean, what are you doing? You're
like Jack Johnson. You know what I'm saying?
What's that? I'm only an octaroon. You're an
octacoon, that's what you look like. You're a
tootsoon. So I was watching this... I was watching
this comedian and the guy said something to this
lady and she thought he was an asshole and she
went... She did the face and everything. That
was probably a real laugh. No, it wasn't a real
laugh. Because he was making her laugh, but then
he said something sexual to her. And she didn't
like it. Where was this at? On TV. It was at
the New York Comic Convention. The New York Comic
Convention? Yeah, and some broad was there that
wrote up... She used to be the world... Women's
fighter. I can't rule the woman fighter. What
the fuck me is that fighter you have me? Do they
have a women's you upset? Yeah, I mean they really
shouldn't know the time around here. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah Yeah, that was it was and she went oh, I
can see her doing that Yeah, it's hilarious get
in the kitchen and wash the dishes some fucking
book about some I'd let her pregnant mom that's
going through some kind of fucking practice triangles
on me and the guy was naming different dirty
undies different You know, could you beat up
the Joker from Batman? What the fuck kind of
fictitious shit is that? Or could you beat up
the Penguin? And she's like, well, do they have
weapons? I mean, if we're both naked. And he's
like, oh, yeah, yeah, if you're naked. And then
he starts gaming. Naked? Who says that? Then
you could beat up Cindy Sweeney. And she went,
ha ha ha ha. You know, if you're both naked.
Jesus, dude, that's kind of weird. Because that
lady in the crusher is fucking funny. I thought
it was fucking funny. The crusher's going. But
she said, I'll kick anyone's ass. And then he
started naming. real people, like tough guys,
and she's like... Lady Cops, we could take...
I could probably take out five Lady Cops easily.
I can't believe you knew the name, dude. Yeah,
Ronda Rousey, she was a fucking champion, dude.
She was the original badass. And she was there
signing autographs at the time. And she wanted
a WWE and wrestled. She made movies. Speaking
of Lady Cops, my old partner from Temecula...
He went to prison for a few years for beating
the shit out of somebody. Oh, no, I'm not talking
like that. I'm just talking like tossing them
like fucking cornhole bags. Yeah. You know what
I mean? He tossed them for sure. I think I could
take five. How long did he get? You know, I forget,
because it was a bad coke deal. Well, it sounded
like it was what? It was a coke deal. Oh, yeah,
that's not good. Part of it, too, yeah. So it
was the trifecta of charges. My cousin with the
doing coke, hitting a lady, DUI, knocking the
lady out. Oh, man. Hitting a lady cop, sorry.
My cousin, who had the exact same first and last
name as me, beat the shit out of six local cops
around here. At once, or he just drove around
looking for him? At once, no. And thank God,
he's this tall and he's got blonde fucking hair.
Okay. I don't know what that has to do with them.
This is what it has to do with it, yeah. I go
through a stoplight, I'm speeding, and I'm on
the main road. You're on drugs or you're just
driving fast? I'm just going fast and fucking
I get pulled over. Can I see your license? And
I'm like, fuck, I'm gonna get two tickets. And
I handed my license, they see my name and all
of a sudden like five more cars pull up and guns
are drawn. And all of a sudden some other car
pulls up and a cop gets out an older guy with
gray hair and he looks at me and he goes, that's
not him. And I'm like, oh my God, they think
I'm my cousin. And they hand me back my license
and they go, have a nice day. And I didn't even
get a ticket. My heart was fucking pounding,
man. I'm like, they're going to shoot me right
now. They think I'm my cousin. And then the same
thing happened with me. He eventually killed
himself. And then it was in the newspaper and
all my friends thought I killed myself Same exact
name so when I got pulled over By the cops they
think I was hit and it was like a beating would
be First of all Larry when they pull your shit
up, it shows your height and your weight Yeah,
but they have a name. Yeah, especially back then.
And it was a long time ago. They're gonna double
check. Did this happen on the same day you bowled
your 300 game? Fuck you. It's always the source
of our dream. If I can throw it out, I will.
My wife was there. I know, I'm busting your chops,
homo. Well, I'm real proud of that Yeah, it's
the only good fucking way we really did both
three. No, let's not talk. No, I will shut the
podcast Evergreen part. Oh my god. I bolded 300.
Yeah, I would rather have come Ice in here now
and taze me in my nuts and hear that story again.
Whatever. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, that's
all right. Maybe I should try to put ice on you.
If I called ice on him, what would happen? They'd
probably deport you. I have a fucking U .S. passport.
You look Syrian. You know? I know, but I have
a U .S. passport. You can't plant a fake passport.
I'll make one for Lillie. I'll make one for Lillie.
I'll make one for Lillie. Acme mode. Hang some
flags up. You probably wouldn't even realize.
There's a bunch of Iranian flags. I think all
the shoes are all curly shoes. Goat near. Two
goats, actually. One's for fucking. One's for
watching. The other one mows the lawn. OK, sure,
you can have that too, Larry. That's fine. He
walks in on a fucking, what do you call it, a
fucking beam. A sheet drops over him when he
walks in. Ice knocks him out. He turns around.
Ice goes to all the neighbors first. But you
know this neighbor. This motherfucker's got a
dirty bomb. Oh, shit. Oh, man. He's like, I don't
like that idea. No, not at all. They ship you
right back. Nah, man. They'll know I'm American
instantly. I don't know about that. You look
kind of frail. I may take a couple smacks in
the face. And they're like, oh, shit. Couple
rib shots. We got the wrong guy. Somebody set
us up. Actually, those throw a bag on his head
and taze him. And he'll wake up in a fucking
black spot. Or a black site. A pile of piss.
just chained to the fucking, like, John Kyrg,
who said, they just chain you to the fucking,
they chain you up there, and then they do this
thing, they put you in 50 degree weather cooler,
then they throw buckets of water on you. For
hours and hours and hours. Well, they're playing
death metal. Which is kind of cool, I'd like
that. I don't know about that. Persian death
metal. Look, what are those things called? Fingerees
or whatever? Finger castanets. Castanets. The
clickers? Yeah. You know? Well, you know they
did that to the prisoners. No, they rape you.
Because that's what they're known to do. I know.
The kind of prisoners that are playing like Slayer
and shit. Nice. Over and over. Dude, how about
the fucking Guantanamo Bay? That's a fucking...
Dude, isn't that crazy that it's just like...
Oh, kind of. What's all kind of that fake shit
that they made up? That's what Obama started
with. Yeah, that's the one they started with.
And then Rumsfeld, all those guys were in on
that shit. Just like ISIS and Hamas. Good old
Rummy. All of that shit. Fucking, uh, what do
you call it? The Mujahideen. Well, they all have
to create an imaginary enemy. For everybody to
band together again. Just for the purposes of
our own brainwashing. If not anything else alone,
just that. You gotta create a problem and then
you bring the cause of the problem up and now
you have something to fucking make everybody
stand up against. You need someone to put the
black hat on. Why is Putin our worst enemy? He's
a badass dude. He rides around on a horse with
no shirt on. Motherfuckin' just throwin' around
judo chops and shit. Like, he's a badass, dude.
King John Noon, friend of the show. Love that
guy. Friend of the show. Can't wait to have him
on. Yeah, that would be great. And they survived
this long. Yeah. Yeah. Well, who knows? They
could be clones. Of course, anyone that runs
against Putin dies of uranium poisoning or something.
Anybody that talks against Putin dies. You're
lucky if you get to run against him. That guy
is... Listen. It's a Christian faith. Why the
fuck do we care about Russia? Why do we care
about the Jews? Why do we care about anybody?
Fuck everybody. Give us our money back. You need
a beer, dude? I'll grab you one. I'll take another
one, please. Give us our fucking money back.
America first my ass. America fucking last. Everybody
knows by now, we just go and take. So let's just
go and take. Oh, how does go and taking work?
Look at fucking Iraq. Look at Afghanistan. Look
at fucking Syria. Look at fucking Lebanon. Look,
dude, we fucking literally, when we go, or not
Lebanon, well, Lebanon, yes, and then... Gaddafi
we go in there and fucking people love to know
he created the eighth wonder of the world. He
brought water to fucking Africa He was fucking
he was living like a pauper and he had a bad
batch of sexy badass Assassin ladies guarding
them in all time. So cheers the Gaddafi. He was
a man of our heart, man That's a real friend
of the show right there and he was a snazzy dresser.
All right, Pete Gaddafi No, I talked about the
Jews all the time talked about 9 -eleven talked
about JFK There's videos of him. They didn't
kill him before 9 -11? No. Oh, no. It was way
after. It was way after. Really? Yeah. Okay.
Which... It's Saddam Hussein. That was way after
9 -11, too, right? Yes. Not way after. Well,
not... But I mean, it was aft... Not way after.
What do you consider way after? Five, ten years?
Yes. Yeah. Because it was... I mean, Bush...
Senior didn't get it done. No. So Bush Jr. went
in to finish his day. Dummy Bush, which... But
you know, you all know that that wasn't Saddam.
Really? They didn't get so down. Oh, I don't
think so allegedly. They did Gaddafi bad on TV
He got some shit shoved in his ass. Oh shit a
bite bayonet. Yeah. Oh man Bayonet butthole is
not the way I want to go. That's a song title
right there That's a Saudi Arabian country song.
I could probably write the song and sell it to
some fucking hardcore death metal band. Thank
you for the beer. That does sound like a... You
know, it's just a little too savage, man. Who's
that? I don't like that savage fucking murder
shit. Dude, that's what they do though. What
do you mean you don't like it? I don't. I don't.
They're animals. Well, people get fucking treated
like animals no matter who they are. Well, here's
the deal. I don't fucking, okay, so we were getting,
every time the United States intervenes in someone's
government and the revolution starts and they
overthrow it, the fucking, to the victors go
to the spoils and then all these people are -
The bayonet butthole becomes a live action. Well,
then all these people are fucking, Libya, they're
fucking, they have open slave trade markets.
They're animals. They come in there. Well, they
do. No, they get to watch YouTube videos. Go
to a bit shoot. So what the fuck we go in there
and it's just like now - Are you getting with
your Bitcoin? I was bidding on him from here.
But it's not gonna, dude, every time we go into
a fucking place and intervene, it never gets
better. Look who we did to Mexico. It gets worse.
Look who we did to all these places. Of course,
obviously. It never gets better. Who the fuck
are we? Dude, why are we so, we're all implicit
in this shit, or complicit, I mean, in all this
bullshit. killing all these people. Like, you
know what I mean? Like, unequivocally we are
connected to giving taxpayer dollars. Imagine
if we never found oil in the Middle East. Well,
it's all gonna run out. It's never gonna work.
Come on. You got it. You got me. Why not? They'd
be still fucking running around on camels. You
sure rubbed your finger on me. Well, here's the
thing. They're gonna kill more dinosaurs, so
the oil's gonna be there. Who is? Where's dinosaurs
gonna be there? I just love it these people find
like... Who even made that shit up? Like, they
had to be laughing and like stoned when they're
like... Oh, it's the dinosaurs! Yeah, the oil
from the dinosaurs! Yeah, let's make a fucking
weird thing with feathers on it. Because the
brontosaurus, as we all know from the twin stones,
is really big. It's the size of a fucking moose!
It's going to leave a pocket of oil. Yeah, it's
going to produce 50 million barrels of oil. Yeah,
because the bones break down, which okay, yeah,
because that's what really happens. You know
what it's like when you have a fucking... Well,
because when you take a body up, the bones are
really broken down, you know what I mean? Well
the skin makes oil right so not really man, it's
pretty much evaporates to nothing. The only thing
that makes oil is fucking whales. You get blubber,
yes. That's the only thing that really made the
fucking oil. Well, they get stuck in between
the sediment, and it crushes it, and that's what
they say makes the oil. When you bury your body,
you dig up the fucking bone. But that makes no
sense. But that's a different kind of oil. You're
not running a car on whale blubber. No, you probably
could. You probably could. Maybe, but they'll
kill you if you come up with a way to do it.
You could run your slapjack machine on it. And
use it for lube at the same time. What's that?
I was going to say, like, for your lips, lip
balm. That's it, you know, the old fucking, uh,
the old sailors. They used to get the weld candles
and light it up and bang it in. Sailors, they
had to be the gayest people ever. What did they
do now? They would grab bitches, they would fucking
grind. Steel hookers from a town. I mean now
you're really projecting Larry. Shanghai and
they're stuck on Shanghai. Now you're talking
Chinese. Are you the enemy? What do you call
ice on this guy? When they're away at sea though,
they're like fucking prisoners. You're captive.
Yeah. We're not gay. We're only sailors. Yeah.
We're only gay when we're at sea. This is international
water. Yeah. It's not gay out here. It's not
gay out here, matey. There's no rules here. Let
me get the Davy Jones's locker. Yeah, that's
the one thing I don't understand like black dudes
like oh, it's not gay. It's just prison. It's
like The black guys in prison fucking booty hole
cuz they're in my life and that happens Yeah,
okay, but they say it. Well, we're not gay. It
gave him the state. It's just prison Yeah, actually,
but you're there forever Listen, yeah, if let
me tell you if you look at a guy weird, you're
gay is super gay. And I don't care what anybody
says. A man should not lay with another man.
Give him the millstone. The heaviest millstone
that you can find. I don't get it. That's if
you harm a child. Larry, listen. I don't know
why you're so soft on the quiz, but I look at
it the same way. No, no, I'm just saying what
it says in the Bible. I mean, fucking liberal
Larry over here. God says the only... Larry's
the L in the LGBTQ. Now listen, I'm paraphrasing.
I'm paraphrasing. Did you make those stickers,
Larry? Yeah. Listen, I'm paraphrasing, but it
says if a man... Wait. A man should not lay with
another man or a woman lay with another woman.
Whoa, slow down, dude. That's like the highest
fucking sin for the Lord. Lesbian porn is sin?
Besides the top ten that are on the commandments.
Okay, but lesbian porn is sin? Yeah, I hate to
tell you. Man, come on, God. You gotta get that
shit together, bro. We'd have a team meeting
and talk about it. It's an abomination, man.
I really don't watch lesbian porn, but I just
think it's silly. Me either, but it fucking,
you know, like it's real common in porn for all
of a sudden it's not even lesbian porn and then
all of a sudden they start eating each other
out and you're like, okay, but the thing is it's
not God's fucking way. I'm going to tell you
right now, the way that the algorithm works on
pornography right now, it takes you to the most
depraved stuff quickly. Quickly like you're lucky
if you can see that and then they throw a little
CP in there, too I'm being serious. That's why
they've shut down. I don't watch it No, they
shut down. They've shut down pornhub in multiple
states because they want to age verification
Yeah, and the state say we want age verification
porn. I'm like, nope And they they back out because
now you don't want to provide their license.
Yeah, now you now you get more depraved shit
It's kind of weird. It's like a Sodom and Gomorrah
It's like the sword The sword of Damocles above
their head. Yeah, they're the sword of Damocles
Do you know who that teen mom Farah Farah Abraham?
Yeah, Farah Abraham. Oh, yeah, I know her well
So, you know, she's got a video online Which
one? Of her shitting. Did you see how big the
turd was? I've seen that a long time ago. I didn't
realize it. She paid a guy to do that or a guy
paid her to do that and he released it. And she
dropped a deuce, man. I was like, oh my god.
Yeah, it was a triple threat. It kept coming.
And I don't listen. The meme I sent you. What
did she do to you? We show up to the scat festival
and we're all playing chat. You got pudding all
over your hands. She did it all over her mouth.
That's what I'm thinking. I'm running the scat,
dude. One time we played this. Thank you, Jesus,
for not making me into pedophilia, shit, or scat.
Oh, thank you, Jesus, Lord. Thank you. Me and
Georgie and Grant, the Rock and Roll Horses,
played at this backyard party. Check Louis' hard
drive. He didn't say anything. Whatever. We fucking
play at this party and there's like 10 fucking
bands, you know what I mean? And so for like,
he went over the mic, some kid says, I will give
anybody, you know, he takes money from people
and it was a punk crowd. So it was like $7 and
14 cents. Whoever shits in this coffee can on
stage could get $7 .14. Some kid hops right up
there. Yeah, some dude. Some dude. And you watched.
I didn't watch. Yeah, OK. But I was amazed that
someone would fucking do that for $7 .14. Now
if it was a check. Yeah, I guess I'd say, since
it's a dude, you kick him in the back off stage
as he shit. Like, it's dead. This is a show you
went to? This was at this kid Mike Ock's backyard.
You don't have to say his last name. He's dead
now. He's dead. I mean, obviously, the guy likes
whatever you condone. See, you know, like, this
is where, like, the guy, whoever... And I said
in my head, not only did this guy go out to a
party having to take a shit, but he just was
ready to jump up on stage and shit. And it was
only, like, maybe 100 people there. He had to
go bad. That's 99 way too many. Unless that one
has to be my girlfriend. Yeah, I would have been
like... If there's a female in here, I would
come on stage. Yeah, exactly. Shit. Oh, OK. Well,
these guys are in here. Now you're being sexist.
Yeah. Well, and OK, another thing now. So then
he just pulls his pants up. Yeah. Yeah. That's
what this kid did. That's the worst part. The
shitting isn't the worst part. Yeah. He's not
wiping your pants up. He's not wiping it. And
having to go back into the party now. Yeah. The
shit shame is off the hook right now. Yeah. He's
got a dirty ass, dude. Yeah. And did he make
it all in the cup? Yeah! I thought you didn't
watch! Well, no. They had an announcer. A guy
announcer. Set that one up. Yeah, okay. They
had an announcer. Dude, man. That was a... 200,
300 feet away, you think I ran up to watch him
keep shit in the coffee cup? Coffee can? I mean,
it wasn't a coffee can. Oh, that was great, Larry.
I love you so much. So yeah, man. So much fun.
And then, but it was bad because, you know, we
had a girl in our band who was like, this is
fucking disgusting. So wait a second. OK, so
did he shit and then more bands came on? Yeah,
he shit in between bands. So he made it all in
the cup. Yeah, how big was this car was a coffee
can I love how you just keep? You know regular
stand. Yeah, I know Larry just a coffee. Yeah,
you're bad. She wouldn't have done it No, and
she fucking thought and most of the girls there
thought that's fucking disgusting Listen you're
really gonna wean out the ladies of you're there.
Yeah, I mean hey, I kind of but dude There wasn't
too many women this guy's gonna pull his pants
up Now go back to the party. He's got shit, Mom.
Does he go right to the toilet, or is he possibly
shithand? I don't know what he did. I fucking
ignored that fucking kid. Scat stuff weirds me
out, man. Especially really into that shit. Like,
what happened to you? Yeah, and it was such low
money. I'm like, really? For that short of money?
I think you were fucked up and forgot how much
money it was. No, it was really not a lot of
money. OK, so now it changed. Because he said,
we're going to collect money so someone could
shit in the can. Most people are going, I don't
want to fucking see that. So nobody gave him
any money. So only the fucking sick bastards.
for the love of the game. Steve, you told me
this was the party I could never listen man.
I shit in a plastic box in a parking lot every
day. Well, not every day, but - These kids were
like homeless punks, fucking - I mean, the story
just gets more - They were living in a house
that was condemned and shit. It's where these
houses are linked to. They didn't run any water.
The toilet wasn't working. Now it makes sense.
I know, Larry, what the fuck, dude? Now it ends
up. Well, no, but it was a fucked up house. A
guy lived in a trailer that was parked in the
driveway. Okay, Larry, how about - Larry, listen,
listen. This should be - They all were out trying
to out -punk each other, you know what I mean?
Larry, this should be the first part of the story.
It might be one of the reasons the kid did it.
Larry, this should be the first part of the story.
And then you tell the shitting, don't start with
the shitting and then say there's no running
water. Say, there's no running water. Well, no,
they might've had, I don't know if they had water.
Well, that's not the exciting part. The house
was fucking unlivable, though. Yeah, the exciting
part is the guy shitting. Yeah. The bathtub was
already full of shit. And people do that, too.
I don't understand how they do that. You ever
see those, the hoarder videos? Were they just
deuce in the tub? No, what are you talking about?
I got a good deuce in the tub story. That's the
name of the episode. Deuce in the tub. So my
first day in the job, I was an apprentice electrician.
Oh boy. The journeyman I had to work for. He
was an alky, telling me about his hemorrhoids
and shit. But then he'd tell me stories about
how he used to hitchhike across the country back
in the day. And he's like, oh, I was a big drinker,
too. So he's like, oh, this one couple picked
me up. I ended up, we partied. I stayed at their
house. I ended up shitting in their bathtub.
I didn't realize it. And he's like, yeah, making
the story, long story short, I didn't stay there
that much longer. But yeah, he ended up shitting
in the bathtub at his per, you know, he's hitchhiking
across, he said he was a Colorado. I don't know
why we can't do that. Why wouldn't they make
the bathtub like a toilet? So you can shit in
the tub, and then you can get rid of the toilet.
Well, Joey Diaz used to do it. He would do the
stuff. Yeah, he'd spit it out. Come on. Yeah,
but I'm saying, if you put like a garbage disposal
sort of in the tub, dude, that is fucking gross.
And then you can shit until you can get rid of
the toilet. That's so much more room for a nice
vanity. Yeah, but then you got to take a shower
every time you shit. Every single time? Yeah.
At somebody else's house, too. Yeah, but that's
perfect. Don't think about it. in a life -size
bidet. I've been in places. I'd rather have the
bidet. No. Listen. I'd rather have the shower.
If I'm at home. I hear nails, but I've been in
places. If I'm at home and I drop a massive deuce,
I hop right in the shower. Dude. What are you
guys fucking shitting all over yourselves? Like,
if I have a bidet, that's nice. Yeah, but I'm
just saying I want that whole cleanliness feeling
after you're done. That's what I'm getting at.
Did you ever use a bidet? I mean, but you know
what the thing is? It's fantastic. And you don't
need as much toilet paper. No, you don't use
any. Well, you get the settings right. Well,
no, but you got to dry yourself off. First of
all, bidet is gay. Yeah, bidet is gay, dude.
It shoots water right in your butthole at a high
rate of speed. And you know what? It gives you
a little tickle. It's just French gay shit, dude.
That's all it is. That is it. It's called a bidet.
It comes a dildo that goes over your ass with
perforations and squirts out water, kind of like
an animal. More projecting, Larry. Slow down.
It jumps up and down. Oh, now a fist? That's
the baguette. Oh. That's the harambe. So the
fist comes up. All right, Larry, come on. I mean,
now who's gay? I thought you were. I do know
about the baguette, though. Listen, I've used
one or two. I'm just saying, if you can shit
in the tub, get rid of the toilet, perfect. And
then get a self -cleaning tub? No, but the problem,
that's the whole problem with the shitting in
the tub. It's like, in the toilet, you just flush.
In a tub, you gotta get like a squeegee thing
out and fucking like... Well, what did you just...
Big ass drain. Big ass drain. Big ass drain.
How big is the drain? How's this shit gonna slide
into that drain? Oh, it's on a pitch. And there's
jets in the tub, so when you shit, you push the
jets and it flushes it down. I mean, you guys
are thinking like this is the 1920s. Yeah, but
is this like the return of the Jedi? Like, sand
pit? Sand pit? We ain't cats, you know what I'm
talking about? Yeah, I was about to say, but
then how are you going to take a shower in this
tub? Yeah. All right, so it's going to be a tub.
You're going to take a fucking shower in this
shit hole? Listen, it's going to be a shower.
It's so gross. Work with me. It's going to have
a tub base. So it's enclosed this big, all right?
It's gonna have jets going all the way around
the side like you do in one of those old school
80s fuck things in your bedroom. You know what
I mean? Why don't you just do like they do in
prison with the sink and the toilet? Make the
bathtub part of the toilet. Huh? You know how
they have the sink connected to the toilet in
jail? I think there's a reason why it is the
way it is. Make the fucking bathtub, and then
like how a swimming pool with a jacuzzi. You
guys have no initiative. You guys really, I am
embarrassed to be your friend. I'm never going
to eat in one of your houses. This fucking guy's
talking about Tron or whatever over here. What
the fuck, dude? You guys are talking about using
two seashells to wipe your ass? One for below
and one for right. But no. Don't mix those up,
boy. I mean, I'm just saying, now you've got
more room in the bathroom. OK, whatever. I don't
need your bathroom. But you could also say -
I'll be seeing my constituents don't fucking
- What are you - What are you - What are you
gonna buy? A cleaner version of what you - What
you're thinking is a fucking - Some kind of -
Almost like this table, like a fender headstock.
No! Like the main tub would be shaped round,
you know? Yeah, like a regular tub, you ass -clown!
Where it had a toilet seat section. Hell, they
do that in Europe. See, you may as well just
stick your ass out the window and shit outside.
On the toilet. On the bathtub. In the bath -
in the shower. On the bathtub. Why on the bathtub?
So, okay, so you're gonna have the toilet in
the bathtub so when the bathtub fills up with
water it's gonna flood the toilet. I mean you
hear this right? Are you an idiot also? I really
hope you're not an idiot. You guys are idiots.
I'm an idiot. You want a toilet and a tub that
you gotta fill with water? No, no, no. You want
a shit -toilet? Listen, it's like a jacuzzi.
This little part here, the little left part,
would be separated by a bowl from the bathtub
but it's... Part of the bad. I mean, this is
just crazy. I mean, this is the most asinine
thing I've ever heard in my life. And nobody
even brought up a woman taking a shit. You're
king retard. You are. Fuck you. I can see if
it was like a thing to set up. What? I've never
watched women take dudes. All right, now we're
talking. All right. Let's get into what kind
of. We're getting somewhere. Let's get into like
how you would place a toilet clamp. Let's think.
With waterproof cameras. OK. Self -cleaning.
How big is this thing? Larry's got like the old
80s one. It's only like this big. Sticking out
the rim. It's got the VHS tape. It's not a camera.
VHS tape in the side of it. It's just recorded.
The red blinking light. It's plugged into the
wall because the battery's bad on it. I've been
in bathrooms where it was like, you know, like
the bathroom in some bar, like you could sleep
overnight in the venue and I'm like, oh, we got
a shower and they tell you all these great amenities
and you're like, oh, cool. And then you realize
the shower is a shower head. in the men's bathroom
at the fucking bar, and it's like a big drain
in the fucking floor, and like the toilets are
getting wet, the urinals are getting wet. Yes,
we just talked about this, but you really distracted
us about our toilet cam bit. But I'm just saying,
they had some fucked up bathrooms there where
you could have sat there and took a shit and
took a shower at the same time, easily. and makes
you wipe, walk around and everything. You get
a detachable head too, you're fine when you use
it in the tub. And that's the thing, man. And
it's like, what the fuck, man? This is the same
bathroom that there was 500 people in last night.
Yeah, exactly. I was here, I know. It wasn't
the cleanest fucking place. But you know what?
You just turn the shit on and let it run for
a while. It's like a truck stop glory hole. Yeah.
Except with no glory hole. Except with no glory.
Just a lot of hole. Yeah. Glory's long gone.
Yeah. That was just Larry behind the door. Glory
left a little while ago. And then I also fucking
took a shower one time and then fucking listened
to this, man. It was like a janitor's closet
in the high school. It was like one of those
rooms with a wooden door with a fucking shower
nozzle coming out of the top. Are we still talking
about this bathroom? It was like, here's the
shower. And I'm like, man, it's disgusting. They
literally had the bucket with the mop and the
thing still there in the corner. And I'm like,
there's this little thing. You also know you
see eyes. No, like the goatee color on the thing.
The finger comes out. The finger comes out of
the gloria. That's how they alert you. Is that
how they do it? Yeah, we talked about this two
weeks ago. Jesus, the steroids are making you
real angry. Concussions. I didn't get a concussion.
You sure? Fucking rump buster. Yeah, exactly.
I know this guy. Left for dead twice. Yeah, I
know. That's what sucks. That should be your
memoir. Well, you know why you want to hear the
worst thing about the accident? Was... I braced
myself for it. I saw it come in the airbags pot.
And I look over at Mary and I'm like, are you
okay? And she's like, no. And I'm like, oh my
God. That's why I drink when I drive so I don't
brace myself. No, that's what they say. That's
why drunks are always the one. There's nothing
wrong with a car. I was ready for it. Plus I
had the seatbelt on. It was the first time I
wore a seatbelt ever. It was literally the first
time I ever had a seatbelt on. Yeah. Unless I'm
in someone else's car. Bullshit, I've ridden
with you with seatbelts on. I make you put them
on in my car because someone tells me to put
your seatbelt on. Because when I'm driving by
myself, my car is so old, it doesn't have that.
So I just fucking forget about it and go. But
now I'm like halfway down my street and I'm like...
Oh, shit, and I put it on. Now I have PTSD. I'm
never gonna not wear it again. Don't say that.
You don't have PTSD. Well, it's weird not wearing
it. Like, for me, now it's weird if I don't have
a seatbelt on. Fucking pretty small, tiny dick.
That's what you have. P .S .T. Oh, P .T. My bad.
Whatever. P .S .T.? Yeah, P .S .T. Yeah, pretty
small, tiny dick. Pretty tiny small dick, there
we go. PTSD, there we go. Like when someone ODs
at your house and then when someone fucking locks
himself in the bathroom for a half hour and you're
like, yo. Who's that? You know, like say when
someone croaks in your house, right, where you're
laying right there. What are you talking about?
Why would you point right at me and say that?
That was so weird. Because that's what happened,
man. Somebody died right here? Timmy, yeah, he
was laying right there when he died. Why would
you say that? Because he was! But why would you
bring that up? Well, I'm talking about PTSD.
Are you fucking... How many people have died
in here? I mean, well, Larry's soul, at least
one. Oh, man. Anyways, fucking... How many gay
prostitutes have you strangled in here? I have
fucking actually, I've brought people back or
saved them. All right, your next words need to
be very cautious. So when someone goes in the
bathroom and locks himself in there, I'm like,
yo, what the fuck is going on in there? Yeah,
right. I don't want some asshole shooting up
in my house and ODing. I don't want none of that
shit. So you go in the front yard and do that
shit. Yeah, go on the sidewalk. Go on the neighbor's
yard. I'll go over here. What are you doing?
Yeah. close enough to the neighbors here so they
can roll you over. It's too bad there's a playground
over here and you can't get a hundred yards in
by that. Yeah, it's like you shouldn't even be
here. You're too close to the playground. Get
the fuck out of my neighborhood. You know, you're
on the precipice, let me tell you. I am. You
really are. Actually, I should get ice out here
to measure. Well, they did when they built the
first playground. They had a guy with a super
long tape measure go from my front door to the
edge of the slide. No, the edge of the slide.
From where the slide comes out. We need a potential
measurement for future, for reference. What time
are we at? Oh, I don't know. Probably fucking
long. Oh, shit. They're like, yeah. 116. Oh,
that's fine. Yeah, all right. That was fun. It's
like Carole King. You playing Carole King? Yeah,
man. I was fucking playing. I feel the earth
move. Yeah, all right. I was like, I got to learn
that on the piano. All right. Well, we're just
going to have a regular conversation. Peace out.
Yeah. Thank you guys for listening. Like, follow,
subscribe, tell your friends. Yeah. If you listen
to this one along, you're awesome. Yeah, if you
listen time if you listen to this point of the
show You're probably the first person that ever
did and send us your ideas about the shit tub
and your underwear if you're a lady No, thanks.
Yeah, no face right out of the hamper. Yeah,
you know, all right enough for a shit You could
send the needle still nice piece