Not being associated with these fucking things.
Yo, ladies and gents, welcome to the Larry and
Needles show. I'm Larry. And I'm Needles. And
Fat Girls here, too. I'm Kiki. How you guys doing?
So we just got to start off by saying, we had
a rough year in the Larry and Needles universe.
We lost another person. Mm -hmm. So RIP Dom.
Mm -hmm. Yeah. Kid, I mean, I don't know if we
should. say what happened we don't want to say
too many details but just that you know so that
dominic was a cool kid yeah so now piggybacking
off of that so we were at my friend jimmy's house
who had a little party after dominic's wake and
uh goes right into it saying names well that's
not that's not his real name i know i'm joking
see how quickly i said okay let's let's set this
up okay so so we go to a we go to a party That
is all of our friends. I would say the majority
of our friends are 99 points Yeah, that's fine
I'd say 99 friends are alcoholic Place well this
weird to go to a part. Well, okay. Yeah, just
weird to be drinking at a place but you know,
but uh So we go to this party and it's all of
our lowlife dirtbag friends everybody that you
know and Out of notes, this is the first time
I've ever been to this place Okay, and let me
tell you these people are so hospitable. They
are awesome. They're the greatest people Absolutely,
and they live in this unincorporated part of
town. We're Jimmy Jr fixes Mary's breaks all
the time. Yeah, I know. But what do you call
it? So they live in this unincorporated part
of town and it's usually it's mostly like rednecks.
It's sort of nice houses and shit. So I walk
in and there's an Asian lady in there. Tiny little
Asian lady and kind of out of place. You know
what I mean? Like. Basically, the enemy is in
this town. Does she have like a redneck accent
though? No, no. She talked like this. Yeah, but
she's the best. I want to say that. Yeah. She
cooked for us. Yeah, so she cooked, she made
the ultimate food is what you do to the, you
know, that's how you get them. You feed them
and get them fat and then they're lazy. Then
you kill them. And then you can kill them. Yeah,
you know what I mean? Cause they can't really
run away. And fat, then steamboat. She was handing
out glasses of hot sake. Yeah, which is the complete
opposite. They were getting us and she was getting
us fucked up. Yeah, so she was Japanese. So she's
getting his hand. So she's trying to throw you
guys off. I say, you got any heroin? I ask her.
Nobody really paid attention to me, though. I
figured it was kind of a blue comment. But it
was Chinese. Yeah, the Golden Triangle. Right.
So. The Golden Triangle is not China. It's anywhere
where that shit comes from. Yeah, that's where
they got it. The Golden Triangle is where that
shit comes from. Thailand, Burma, and Cambodia.
It used to be called Burma, what was it? Okay,
whatever. So, just very odd. that all of us white
people are there, and there's just one Asian
lady, and she's like feeding us, getting us hammered,
and then, like making sure you're drunk. Why
you not want some, Larry? Okay, now you had to
do that, didn't you? That's what she said to
me. Larry's son. Rari -san, why are you laughing?
You're too skinny, Rari -san. Drink, eat. So,
and the food was amazing. Like probably the best
Chinese food. You want sake? You want sake? Yeah.
Yes, I do. And she's not partaking in any of
this. She's dumb American. I didn't eat anything
or drink anything. Let me just put that down.
Round eyes. Easy. I drank only things out of
cans that I opened. What does that mean? Did
she try to poison us? I don't know. I'm fine.
I drank some sake. Okay, we'll see. Glasses.
Dude, glasses. I'm sorry. You had the boiling
water. She put the boiling water and put the
glass in there. It was amazing. So it was really
heat up. It was pretty. So I think the Chinese
are watching us. Pretty elaborate. That's what
I'm coming down to. At one point, she's walking
around on her laptop taking photos and photographs.
No, no, no. An iPad. An iPad. Taking films of
everybody and photographs of everybody. So Larry
and I are... Extra ones of you guys. Larry and
I are dying laughing. I'm like, you know she's
sending that back. We're totally like eye to
eye. Look how blunt they are. Round eyes, so
easy work over. She's like, it would be easy
to take these. So lazy and slovenly. Look at
the fat one, steamboat, still eating. He like
my food. And he's just like eating. She's like,
oh, keep eating, keep eating. Oh, Bobby, you're
lying here. Have another. So she's like taking
pictures. Look at this fat motherfucker. American
Wokka? Crazy. Right back to the fucking office
in the CCP. Totally like... But it blows my mind.
Where did this... Think about it. There's not
that big of an Asian community. Wait, so who
was she? It's my buddy Jamie's wife. So then
I ask Jay, I go, well you know she's a spy. She's
like, oh no. And I'm like, well does she have...
Does she have family that still lives in China
and she wouldn't add to me and I go She's a spy.
Otherwise, they kill your family. They told you
100 % you got to report back to them. Okay Whether
or not she's a it's her by choice or not. So
she's like taking these pictures with this iPad
of like everybody She does I wasn't gonna bring
that Mary fucking cover story. Yeah, right. Yeah,
that's cool That's code for human traffic I don't
they all work together. They don't back. Listen,
they don't you don't I mean we talked about that
how they got busted fucking the Chinese had a
wouldn't call it those try that boy And when
they get compromised, they get put into Tesla,
and it backs into a lake. Yeah. The doors lock
automatically, the windows stay shut, and you're
done. Remember when they had the police stations
in New York? I'm sure they still do. They had
their own separate cops. No, they had a tower.
Yeah. There was an illegal, like a tower that
rises above, like a lift. Like from China. And
they would put it in Chinatown and they were
watching their own people. Well, you got to make
sure there's no dissidents, man. Do you remember
when they had a California warehouse and they
were making all biological shit there? Yeah,
they were making vaccines. Nothing ever happened
of it? Yeah. No, and they remember they got caught
because they somebody was doing inspection and
the shit leaking out the window Leaking which
you would think that the Chinese are more meticulous
than that. Mm -hmm They're allowed to do that
kind of shit in their own country. And then what
do you call it? I was reading this thing about
how Tiananmen Square was But all the meticulous
stuff and all that's just propaganda fed to us
throughout our life. It's all propaganda. You
know, we don't know how meticulous they really
are. They're probably just as lazy as we would
like to be. Oh, dude, I've been to Asia. They're
not as lazy. Well, and they're not meticulous.
I know. Some of them, a small percentage of them
are, but yeah. Sure, maybe the scientists. Well,
they're all just, they're all sheep anyways.
You know what I mean? Like, they are commies,
first of all. But yeah, so now, now we're probably
in some weird Chinese database. Larry and I.
I've already, I've been to his house before.
Oh yeah, you're already compromised. So now I'm
compromised. That's right, that's right. You
guys are top of the wood border, right? I adopted
a Spalding from her. Get out of here, really?
That's where you got it from? Yeah. That's great.
Spalding was at a grond sale. That was starting
to make sense. I was just going to say, now things
are adding up. Now it's all 30. She's sitting
there. Spalding was at a grond sale. She's got
a bug in him. Yeah, seriously. You didn't think
about that, did you? Or maybe he's got, maybe
there's a pound of pure, great horse in there.
Or maybe wipe off his skin. Maybe he's fucking
a little Asian baby. He's got contacts in, so
he's got round eyes. Larry's going to get his
dolls. I'm going to make sure he's not a spy.
Well, like we were talking about before, Larry's
the ultimate black daddy. He just leaves him
in the basement for like a month. He checks up
on him every once in a while. But dude, that's
what they want, because now he's sitting there
walking around. Pauling's a good boy. He's got
a Kabbalah bracelet. Feel how heavy he is, man.
You probably forgot. Yeah, because you probably
even changed his diaper. Jesus, Larry. You're
complicit. Now they got your fingerprints. I
know, right? Dude, this thing weighs heavier
than a regular baby. Yeah, I know. It doesn't
hit the wall like a regular baby. Everything
about him is just like a regular baby. I love
when they do those jokes like that when they're
like walking with the baby and the guy trips
and the baby flies out of there. The stroller
or something, yeah. Like if we went, if we should
go take Paul, the small thing to the park and
just throw him back into Florida. And then see
if the cops come. Go to this park right here.
Yeah, right down the street. We'll push him right
out of the fucking swing. Yeah, launch him. Jesus,
what's wrong? Do you have a camera set up? The
swing is all fucked up. Do you have a camera
set up downstairs? He may be getting up at night
and like walking around. He's cooking crack.
I thought I smelled something. Yeah, make a dying
bed. Is there a meth lab in my basement? I'm
making you proud, manny. Oh, Jesus. You and that
doll. He's a good boy. I can't even really see
him with just his eyes. I know, he blends in
with the couch. His diapers are good things.
You can see his diaper. His diaper. Now you can't
see him at all. He's a good kid though, I gotta
throw him away. Hey, get out of my pockets, bowling.
Check your wallet. Yeah. Even though he's got
an ankle monitor on. He does. He's got this fucking
ankle monitor taken off and then as soon as he
gets it off. I think he was born with it on.
I don't think that it's just an attache or a
coutrement that comes with spasms. That's how
it works, yeah. Look, you can't see him. Oh,
yeah, you can. Hey, you can. Yeah, you can. Wow,
he disappeared. They got a baby on their podcast.
I can't believe one day they got that baby with
a chain. Baby Smoke. I can't see him, though.
You can't see him now? I wonder why. Smoking
to hit her, no. You'd be liking it, that. That's
very funny. Oh, that's classic. So anyway, so...
So you guys got compromised. Mei Pang fucking
took a lot of pictures of us and sent them off,
and I know she has to fucking report back, because
Jay would have said, no, she doesn't have any
family in China. If she didn't, she would love
to... through all that in my face, right? And
then so then silence. That's kind of very Sun
and I are in the we're in the backyard in the
screening porch and we're all hanging out or
booze and having a good time. And I'm sorry,
Jay, but this was so funny. So we're like asking
her questions about her. But that's what he said.
Does she have family in China? And she's starting
to lose it. She's getting all mad. Listen, you
two, Sue is off. Oh, yeah, first of all, she
didn't... Larry. I know. Come on, Rary, son.
So what did I, okay, whatever. So fucking, I
mean, if you listen, you know who we're talking
to, our friends. But so we're in the back, so
we're poking her. You know what I mean? She's
like, yeah. She was fucking so mad. Does he have,
that's not a good question, Larry. He'd say something
and I'd say something and he'd laugh and we're
both just laughing. And he was like, I'm like.
So does she have any family in China? That is
not funny. She is off the list. So we're like,
why is she off the list? Everybody's laughing,
because they know what we're going to do next.
So now for the next hour, we're talking about
something. We're like, hey, Jay, does she have
any family in China? Oh, man. And you fucking
guys have no respect. And I said, because you
know, I read this article that said. Not even
on drugs. Every single person has to report back,
like it or not, or they'll do shit to your family.
Especially if they were born in China? Yeah.
Oh, that's your state. It's just like Israel.
Well, you don't get a visa. You're loyal to Israel.
You're not allowed to travel abroad unless you're
working for your fucking... No, you've got to
get special permission or escape somehow. Yeah.
But you don't escape with your kids. No, no.
It's not a true escape. Unless you're open like
a nail salon. I don't know if they were born
here or how long she's been here, but maybe she's
been here that long. I don't know. It could be.
I know she was only married to my buddy for maybe
10 years, 15 years. The kids are older than that,
though. Okay, all right. Well, the story's taking
a real dive now. But yeah, man. So we were on
the thing, and Jay just would not fucking go
along with it. But we just kept poking her and
poking her. Yeah. Because that's what we do.
We're gonna needle her. Well, she's one of our
good friends. Oh, yeah, they're very good friends.
Yeah. But it's like... And you know what? The
lady is fucking... She's a saint. She's amazing.
I love her. She's so awesome. She's really great.
And I don't care if she is a spy or not, but
it's just so funny how Jay just flips the fuck
out. Well, it was so funny when I walked in.
Wow, she's fallen in love with America. I thought
she stopped to do her duty. Like, I kind of knew
what was going on. I walked in, I'm like, oh,
this ain't good. Let me tell you. I can kind
of feel a room pretty quickly. You guys never
met her before? I have. He has. He knows her.
This is my first time, but I met him. I know.
She's been to our gigs and stuff, but this is
my first time. And you know what, you get that
little tingle when you walk by a little Catholic
church or something. No, she was probably jabbing
you with something. What are those called? What
are the juice prays? Synagogue? Synagogue. You
walk, you know, you get that kind of tingle when
you walk past the synagogue. Well, she may have
given you guys like, oh, here's a sockie thing
and shoot me up. Give me a bridge. Advanced COVID?
Yeah. She like blows. Yeah, exactly. I'm surprised.
Here's some sockie, a bat flies out of her pocket.
I mean, that's not the worst thing that could
happen. Technically, they could turn us all into
communists, but that's fine. Well, unfortunately,
last week, we didn't get to play our game. So
we'll play our game right now. Last week we had
Big Head on here, Steve, and man, I'll tell ya.
I'm surprised he made it home. Me too, I'm glad
he did. Don't implicate anybody. I'm not going
to implicate him. Just stay with that. But if
he has to back him up. I'm just glad he made
it home. He hurt his foot. He's drinking foot.
Yeah. Turns out you do get a sore toe if you
open 100 doors of your chalice. Yeah. If you
drink too much, it gets a little itchy. Hey,
how about me? Yeah. You know, you got to get
the break foot and the gas pedal. Exactly. They
got to be in sync. You can't have one be one.
So now we're going to play. Our game, which I
love to do, guess the race of the case. So I'm
gonna read. Fantastic game. This is my favorite
game. I'm gonna read a news article and you have
to guess the race of the person who committed
the crime. All right. All right. First one, woman
attacks boyfriend. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding. That's it? No, no, no, no. I was
doing it. Women at tax point. Women steals wigs
off. Chicken stand rob. Which happened because
the watermelon store got night robbed. It was
a multi -interstate crime. It was like one of
those KFC Pizza Hut things combined. Yeah, watermelon
chicken. And let me tell you, right now, I'm
pissed that the blacks got that moniker, shall
I say. Fried chicken and watermelon is awesome.
Oh, absolutely. You know what I mean? He doesn't
like it. Yeah, absolutely. It's so good. It's
like because everybody's like, why do you don't
know how to spice their food that we get fried
chicken and watermelon? But I mean granted if
you look at the old days in cartoons They really
did play that one where they had the black guys
eat watermelons. They were spitting the seeds.
I think bullets. Yeah All you just see for their
lips. Oh, man Shut up to Hitler. Donald was always
doing the cooking. It was Mammy. Yeah, and she
made shit But it was the Colonel who brought
the syrup over This butter were told to bring
the syrup. I need a house n -word Yeah, oh with
the rice to uncle Ben all right All right, so
a woman attacks boyfriend with hatchet his head
sounds his head hounded that sounded like splitting
wood witnesses said as she hit him Other was
witnesses. I was gonna say white chick Sounds
like a friend with sounds like Lena his head
sounds like witnesses said when she hit it You
know what? It's a hatchet. It's a white jade.
Who has hatchets? I'm going to say Mexican. I
mean, I don't. Hatchets are, you know, a hatchet's
a pretty fucking serious thing. Yeah. It's like
a hammer. That's like something you carry as
a weapon. Yeah. All right. Well, maybe even Puerto
Rican. It's a white girl. Maybe Puerto Rican.
I think maybe I'm changing to Puerto Rican. You
go to Puerto Rican. Is that a race? Yeah, I mean
they are stabby that should be the race You can't
turn your back on a Puerto Rican lady. And good
luck, because they got fat asses too, so they
like block you in front of the door. It's like
a lineman from their hips down. All right, so
what do you say, Larry White? I say White, yeah.
And Kiki, what do you say? Rican. Rican? It was
a Mexican. Oh, damn. You should have just said
Hispanic. That blanket's a whole bunch. Lena
de la Veria. I said it sounded like Lena. Oh,
you did say that. It was Lena. Yeah, I should
have stuck with my first guess. I should get
a bonus point for getting the fucking first name
of the criminal. That's actually, I mean, that's
maybe even a couple bonus points. There's only
five fucking questions. Okay, well. I mean, how
many points do you want? But to guess the name
of the actual killer? The point was promised
to you 3 ,000 years ago. Yeah! So assistant principal's
husband comes to middle school, kills her and
mother before turning gun on self. Really assistant
principal assistant principals husband. That's
a white guy. Okay, come back. He's not gonna
kill himself comes We're gonna walk that one
around the block remember that right there hold
on to that Spaulding Okay, so goes to the middle
school that she works at kills her and her mother
before turning the gun on himself Definitely
a white guy. I mean Yeah, I don't know how much
more I got to go into that I'll say Mexican just
to be different from Kiki. I mean it could be
a Mexican, but like yeah the ones that go after
the mothers, too I mean, that's actually anyway,
but it's like you're gonna do blanket. Yeah,
it's man. That's it should be his middle name
blanket Michael Jackson Michael Jackson. All
right, so it was a black guy Damn, he killed
himself, huh? Stephen Lee. Yeah, he killed himself.
Was he half? Was he half? Well, I mean... Was
he mulatto? I don't think that's the right terminology.
Mulatto? I don't think that's the right terminology.
I still use it. I do too. I don't know if that
means anything though. Kids just go into a college
and be like, hey, look at that mulatto. Why not?
Because that's what they're called. I don't think
that's a derogatory statement. He hasn't had
the news on lately. He's still reading the old
racist handbook. He hasn't gotten the updated
version. I'm still reading the 1997. But uh,
I can't believe the black guy actually turned
the gun on himself. He's like one of my peeps.
Yeah, he's like, oh man. He's making us look
bad. Yeah. Killed the mom and her, imagine, and
then himself. Well, and the mother. That's understandable.
I see a black guy doing that, but turning the
gun on himself afterwards. Yeah, that's, I mean,
that's a rarity. Although the one, one guy we
might know, I shouldn't say his name. This name
I won't say, but he was a, he was a dealer and
uh, he got. He got chased down by the cops. He
killed his girlfriend and the baby, and then
he went out and killed his, and then he went
from Chicago and out to the western, far west
suburbs, and killed, like, his mom and dad, and
then when the cops surrounded the house there,
he blew his brains out. Well, no, yeah, I mean,
when the jig is up, the Nick gives up. Yeah,
I see that happening. Yeah. I can't help myself.
That just flowed a little too nice. I just really
can't help myself. That's needles. But no, I
understand when the jig is up. But like, if you're
just going to go kill the mother and the daughter.
Well, he was in the school. He probably could
have walked. That's a pretty soft target. You
probably could have walked right out on skates.
What is this saying? Then at least you get some
free time. But he was probably suicidal. What's
up, Steven Lee? The guy just walks in. He's like,
not too much, baby. Just shookin' and jivin'.
And he's like, because he's moving now. I went
out of his way out. He's like, did you see that
new Shaft movie? Mm -hmm, I did. Oh, Lordy Boyz,
you guys talking about the new Shaft movie? He's
like, oh, yeah. That was really good. Especially
because the security was probably black. So he
was probably busting around with them. He's like,
D -shirt, you get your hair colored red again.
She's like, oh, you know that? And then, you
know, he's like, how do you wipe your butt with
them big nails? Sorry, I had to go through every,
trying to get as much as I could out through
that one. Yeah, now what did you say now about
the... Again, that's all me Because Larry forgot
how a comedy show works. He's my worst critic.
He's like It's totally fine to say mulatto. It's
not I think I think it is. I mean, why don't
you call you next week if it's okay to say mulatto
Afro -american No, no, American Association College.
Colored people. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. How did you
forget that, of all things? National African
American seat. I mean, are we really going to
break down fucking? Yeah. Oh, OK. It's not colored
people. It's colored people. No way. No, that
is what it is. You know that? Yes. Come on. N
-double -A -C -P. We're always like, look at
those N -double -A -C -P. Wait. Well, I understand
that reference. There's a whole group of N -double
-A -C -P colors. But we're not allowed to use
colored? No. That's why we say the N word. That's
how you could tell that that organization was
invented in the 60s. Watch that. And double ACP.
Yeah, we all know about that. Yeah, I understand
that. Otherwise, it'd be something different.
Yeah, but you'd think they would have changed
it. You look really weird right now. Oh, yeah,
it is. National Association for the Advancement
of Color People. Advancement of color. You think
I would lie about that? Established in 1909.
Oh, wow. Yeah. That's why it's definitely called
colored back then. That's the year my grandfather
was born. That's when my grandfather was born.
That's when my grandparents emirated to his country.
Jesus, you all right there? And then he says,
hopefully to the... The fat tongue on fat girl.
His grandparents kneel down and pray, hopefully
our grandsons won't be too dumb two generations
from now to finally learn the language. They're
not too high and drunk. You get it, right? I'm
just dying over here. It's so funny, let me tell
you. All right, story number three. Hey, get
off your phone. Hey, you know, you can be any
color to join. Huh? Yeah, it's for colored people.
No, any color. You don't have to be black. Yeah,
you don't have to be black. You don't have to
be colored. It says right there. That's how they
get you. Yeah. You know what I mean? They probably
wouldn't let you join, but I bet you I can get
in. Huh? I could probably get in. I'm Sicilian.
Oh, yeah, you could probably join. I'm black.
Yeah. The fucking Morse. That's what I was going
to say. I can get in. Yeah. I mean, you know,
I'm glad. Yeah, that's it. I'm not a mulatto.
I'm an octun. Octaroon. Or an orangutan. Yeah.
But an octaroon. Octageryon. Your dick ain't
black because it's like a black man. Eighth.
Eighth. Yeah, that's one of the other requirements
to get in there. No, eighth. Eighth. One eighth.
Let's stick with the eighth. Let's see your AZD.
If you record, you'd be a quatroon, I think.
Okay, whatever. I mean... What happened? Oh,
here we go. I mean you're gonna break. Let's
go. Let's just do Larry's genealogy corner To
break down the family tree. Nothing. You said
he's made any sense whatsoever. Thank you Everybody
now is dumber for listening to what you think
you factor. Oh What pros for the perfect place
in time that we just had that? Wonderful wonderful.
Is that Billy Madison? Yes from Billy Maddison
That's what he's saying. He goes off on a rant,
like they have a battle off for education, and
he goes on this really good rant and it sounds
great, but then the teacher's like, nothing you
said made any sense whatsoever. They were in
a debate club. Yeah, it was a debate club for
a school, but it was two grown men. He was trying
to get his degree. All right. Boyfriend who claimed
moped riding duo. stabbed girlfriend to death
in New York City, road rage, a New York City
road rage incident, charged with murder. So I'll
read that one more time. Boyfriend who claimed
moped riding duo, stabbed his girlfriend to death
in New York City over a road rage incident and
he was charged with murder. All right, so we're
guessing. We're guessing, okay. You're guessing
he's the boyfriend. Yeah, not the moped rider.
He's Larry and his boyfriend. He's right. You
know how they're like, right? Like because Larry
rides forward and the other guy rides like they
intertwine their legs. He's saying that he's
laughing. The only guy that's ever been on the
back of my bike is him. Yeah, I know. Which is
hilarious. That's how you guys roll, right? Yeah.
I don't want to fall off. I scissored over my
leg there. Your legs, yeah. That is true. I'm
the only guy. We were so high. And that's why
I say this stuff. Wait, did you guys drive to
the city too? It wasn't a short ride. It wasn't
like going to the Starbucks. High as hell on
China White. I woke up at the stop, like woke
up and passed out for like five minutes and I
woke up. And I like look over and there's like
little kids in a minivan. Look at those fruitcakes.
Look at those Funook's mama. Is that what a Funook
is, mama? Yes. Look at these guys. They're in
love. Oh, you guys were probably shirtless too.
No, no. We were close. I don't do nips to back.
Sweaty nips to backdrop. I remember, clear as
day, I had my head on his back. Oh my god. As
soon as we stopped, we knotted out. That was
one of those wind -up things. We rolled out and
the little kids were looking at us in horror.
It was hilarious. It was pretty hilarious. Roll
up the windows, kids. Don't make eye contact
with them. You don't want to get AIDS. Right.
Don't make eye contact because you'll get airborne.
Yeah. All right. So who's the kid? Is the guy
black? No, that's a white guy. Yeah, Kiki didn't
think it. Oh, yeah. We started talking about
the scooter. Because he's trying to blame it
on some Puerto Ricans on mopeds. Right, right.
So that kind of adds up. So. I say black, you
see? White guy. He's a Mexican. Ah. Dammit! Franklin
Batalas. You guys are, there he goes. Oh, dude.
I got none right. I'm not, yeah, I'm not getting
any right today. Okay, so New Orleans inmate
sentenced to life after throwing feces at corrections
officer. Oh, man. Said it again New Orleans inmate
sentenced to life after throwing feces Corrections,
I'm gonna have to go the obvious one here. It
sounds like James Whatever sounds like one of
your daddies. Yeah Actually, yeah, well Possible
baby, baby daddy. Oh, I just clicked It should
take black people time times they get Not in
one nut to have a baby. You have to have multiple.
I don't get it. So it doesn't happen immediately.
Yeah. After the tenth time. Yeah. Sorry, that
was very classless and low -brow. I apologize,
Spaulding. I'll give you your 40 acres and a
mule after the show. And you know what? People
are pitching about reparations. We already gave
them reparations. We gave 40 acres and a mule.
Where do you think that came from? I need reparations.
That wasn't reparations. I never got reparations.
We're not black. I'm Octoroon. Please, I swear
to God, I'm going to Octoroon you in your face.
They give you eight shots right to the fucking
chops easy there Brazil But uh, what do you call
it? This is a black guy and then Evanston fucking
obvious gave since 2021 they've given they're
giving ten million dollars in reparations they
give $25 ,000 to a black family to do renovations
to their house or Yeah, other shit, yeah But
there's only certain parameters that they can
use it. You can't buy crack. You can't use it
under the guise that you're gonna do your fucking
driveway and you buy an ounce of Sweet Baby Chiva,
you know? Or you buy some sick -ass Chevy fucking
lowrider or something. Or one of those three
-wheeled motorcycles and then just play like
the worst music as loud as you can. I told you
about that, right? I saw a parade of them. Must've
been about a hundred and something of them in
a row. A hundred or something of them. Seriously,
down by Manny's when my niece got married. It
was all those little low three -wheeling black
dudes in those little motorbikes. They know how
to spend money, man. With the tunes blasting
so loud. Every person with a different thing.
We had to wait like fucking 15 minutes for these
motherfuckers to go by. That's how many of them
there were. Yeah, and they were going and they
all went to this gas station because when we
drove down the street we saw them all with the
music still fucking blasting. That's usually
how that story ends. Or a lady was slapped around.
I guarantee there was more than one getting slapped
around. All right, so what do we think about
this inmate? Black person. I'm just going with
the obvious throw and shit. Yeah, I'm going to
have to go hillbilly guy just to be different
than Kiki, white guy. You don't have to be different
than Kiki. You should just be fine with the body
that the Lord has given you, Larry. You don't
want to transition. You can't get some monkey,
so. Well, then I'll transition back to black
guy. OK, all right. You're both right. It is
New Orleans. That's what. But it's just a funny
story. You want to know the guy's name? Yeah.
BB60 Rayburn. So BB. And then in quotation marks,
it says 60. And then Rayburn. The street name
is 60. Yeah. Life in prison for throne. What
is that shit called? There's a name for it. It's
attempted murder, right? Yeah, but there's a
name for it. It's called the monkey pie. Oh,
well, the mixture. They're the gas. I think it's
called gas or something. Oh, you're talking about?
The actual mixture of feces and urine. They make
it, and then they throw it, but I think it's
called being gassed. Oh, it's called the shit
muck. Dude, imagine that. Like, you can't smell
it. That is horrible. Well, and you know, that's
what they say. They fucking, they'll stab somebody,
and then they fucking douse them with piss and
shit to fucking infect them. Yeah, it's like
the fucking, it's like the fucking chuck -a -doos.
Well, that's what Genghis Khan would do. Yeah,
same thing, rub it on shit. Yeah, straight from
the African hand muck. Yeah, well clicks and
for a couple clicks rub your arrow and shit and
shit that motherfucker. Well, that's what the
Vietnam Kong did, too All right last one this
one's not too bad. I like this is a good one.
I got the needles might do yeah, okay off -duty
Florida cop buying hot dog shot dead by man having
a bad day That's a black guy. I'll read that
one more time. I mean, RIP to this guy. That
could be a redneck. I don't condone that. I'm
going to switch my vote. I'm guessing it's a
redneck. This is just comedy. You want me to
pack it up? Yeah, could you please? That adds
up to being a redneck. I'll read it off one more
time. Off duty Florida cop. buying hot dog. I
mean, hey, who the fuck doesn't want a glizzy
during lunch? I love a glizzy. Here's the thing,
man. They have hot dogs? In Florida, yes, they
have hot dogs in Florida. I didn't know. They
have hot dogs where? In Florida. That's what
I was going to ask. I didn't know they had them
there. I thought it was only like Detroit, Chicago.
It's not Russia. Do you want to be slapped now
or after the show? I think my hot dog isn't in
any country in this world. Are you fucking retarded?
Did you just ask if they have hot dogs in the
United States of America in the Redneck Riviera?
Did you just ask us? That's a delicacy down there.
I think the enemy's gotten to them. No. You wore
the fucking yarmulke last week. And then he fucking
did a prayer for BB. Something's going on. Okay,
good. You gotta... Elvis socks. He was probably...
Dude, that was for me and you smoked it, dude!
What a fucking, and it's my reefer too. Here,
I'll pack that for you. Pack it right here. Hey,
don't do that, you're gonna bust the screen.
Oh, I thought that's how you were packing it.
No, push it up against the side, dude. All right,
all right, I didn't know, I didn't know. Dude,
if you bust my screen, I'm gonna bust your ass.
Oh, okay. Ooh, that sounds tempting. I'm gonna
push you over. I'm gonna beat you to death. I'm
gonna beat you to death with your own cane. I'm
gonna push in your ass. All right, I always tell
Larry I'm gonna be the guy that's gonna buy him
new tennis balls every month for his walker Isn't
he funny keeping he's laughing right now like
that bad All right, so what do we think about
that's a white guy off -duty Florida cop buying
glizzy Shot dead by man cuz he's had a bad day.
Yeah, that's a white guy's shit. This pig bought
the last place. Dave. Yeah, I'm gonna say it's
a white guy. So we got white, white. You're both
wrong. Labrado Machado. What the hell's a Cuban?
Hispanic guy. Mexican, yeah. Damn, he's Mexican.
They're all the same fucking island rats. That's
the ting that I know. What's that? No, they're
not. They're not all the same. What are you talking
about? Island rats, you say. I'm talking about
the Puerto Ricans. Yeah, but Mexico, it's totally
different. I understand geography. I'm not saying
that. People are totally different too, man.
I don't know about that. We just talked about
that La Diabla. Did you see that story I sent
about the lady that got caught? I guess I know
a more diverse group than you do. Okay. Fucking
Larry Sandiago. We're Carmen Sandiago. Larry
Sandiago. What you just get sit there and smoke
all that then you don't need to get more retarded
leisure Hot dogs in Florida and then he tries
to do geography. So there's this Chinese guy
He gets off the fucking plane in New York sees
a hot dog stand on the corner and he's like,
oh hot dog So he goes over there. He goes, ah,
yes, the guy gives him a hot dog and the guy's
like, ah That's the only part of the dog. I don't
like That's good. That's good. That means town
street jokes For street jokes about street food,
motherfucker. Talking about street food. You're
so diverse. I swear to God, Larry. Larry's turning
liberal. Have you guys seen these videos? I might
be. You are. You're fucking gay and liberal.
Sorry. Someone's got to do it. I apologize. Tim
Walz, hey, Larry is kind of a... He adopted a
son. A black one. He's like, what's that guy?
Who's the dude that adopted the son? He's progressive.
The president in a hotel. Who's the dude that
got adopted? The black baby. The white guy. With
Anthony Bourdain in the hotel. Oh, uh, uh, uh.
I can't believe I can't remember. Schumer. Yeah,
Chuck Schumer. What? Chuckie fucking Schumer.
Well, there's a... Adopted a black kid? Yeah,
he adopted a black kid. But they were thinking
they were... And he tongue kisses the kid. They
were probably... Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly.
I love how Larry just makes shit up, and then
he's like, allegedly. Like, who else told...
I've never heard that before. That's all you
gotta say, though. You never saw the picture
of Chuck Schumer kissing, like, the ten -year
-old black boy? Yes, I have. But they're not
tongue kissing. Ew, I never seen that. Yeah,
that's what you want, Larry. You're projecting
what you want. You should recreate that with
Spalding right now. This is what Schumer did.
This is what Chucky the Schumer... That's not
how a dad kisses his son. Oh, you know what?
Unless you're a fucking, uh, the Patriots guy,
uh, Tom Brady. Remember when he kissed his kid
on the mouth? Oh, yeah. What the fuck, man? So
according to Mr. X, Tom Brady's probably, well,
he's not maybe a girl, but probably his wife
is allegedly a fucking tranny. Shout out to Mr.
X. Mr. X came in town for five days. Yeah. And
let me tell you, he pointed out all the trannies
to me. So he's saying Giselle bullshit. Exa -palooza,
let's just say. Tranny -palooza. He's saying
Giselle is a tranny. He's saying Giselle's a
tranny. Didn't she go out with Anthony Kiedis?
I don't know. I don't know who those Heidi Klum
did. She's probably a man. He thinks everybody's
tranny. Listen, if they're men, holy shit, I'm
gay as fuck. Well, we already knew that. That's
gonna be a soundbite. Soundbite right there.
That's why I got all quiet. Like, roll with it,
baby. Come on, let me get the media. Dude, those
women are smokin'. Who's that? Those men are
hot. Giselle and Heidelberg. If I ain't a fucking
man, that's who I'd pick too. First of all, if
you look at all the first ladies. They're all
men. I mean, listen, Barbara Bush. Yeah, she's
a... Barbara Bush was... And they didn't even
try and pretend. Remember Kissinger? Remember
when Kissinger went to China and the guy shook
his... You have a strong handshake. Yeah. You
have a strong handshake, for one. He was bigger
than all the Asians. He was bigger than Kissinger.
Schumer's wife... She's a cute guy. Yeah. Yeah,
but it is kind of weird how they have, like,
all these... It's rather queer. Shits that look
like dudes. Like, he... Dude, I'm just gonna
keep smoking. I'm cleaning my bed. Michelle Obama?
Yeah, Michelle. But I'm busting your balls. I'm
not being greedy. I'm just, like, busting your
chops. But what do you call it? So he think,
like... We went through all of this stuff about
how all these... I mean... technical, and he's
like showing these pictures and shit. I'm like,
what the fuck am I looking at? I don't want to
look at this. He's showing pictures of like body
parts and the breakdown of the skeleton. The
collarbones and the hips. He's showing all these
different women. Dummy whore is a man. But it
was just funny. Oh, Dummy Moore. It's just funny
to be like, I don't know. There was a lot of
them. Yeah, there was a lot of them. but I believe
it. There was a lot of them and it was making
me ill because there was a lot of them that I
liked too. It was like, oh man. We will never
know, but this has been going on forever. Like,
allegedly, and this is all alleged, by the way,
people, but allegedly even the fucking one that
I liked, Caroline Levin, he's like, oh man, she's
a man. Who's that? Caroline Levin, the press
secretary? Yeah, the press secretary. The blonde
girl? Yeah. And I'm like, man. She's a man. Yeah,
she's like a nine or an eight. I'm like, I don't
know, man. I'm like now you're trying to indoctrinate
me into this shit. And I'm like, that sucks because
I like her. Now I look at her and all I can think
is, is this a man? No, the only trannies that
look good are like the Asian trannies because
they look, they have like - Those are the ones
you got tricked by. Yeah, I'm going to say, you're
on fire today. You're just admitting all your
sins. Because those are the ones that look like
most women. They're petite. And you know what,
think about this. How come they could fucking
do that shit for so cheap out there, but then
here it's so fucking expensive? Look at the hands.
Well, see, I don't know how the pricing works.
I've never looked into it. Well, no, but think
about that. How much money do those people fucking,
you know what I mean? Like, they're not making
American money. And then all of a sudden, their
hand looks like mine. You know what I mean? It's
like, okay, come on. Plus, then he showed the
other trick about, like, the finger lengths.
I didn't know this, but the woman had... Yeah,
like your ring finger's smaller and shit like
that. You know, the finger lengths are different
sizes. Like, your ring finger... It was just
very funny. It's very funny to think that everybody's...
Like, your ring finger is longer than your index
finger. I don't even remember what he said, but
it was all broken down. And then they're making
these babies that are in the incubators and stuff
like that, and they're giving them to these people
in power. Like, better than Trump. Like, he's
an anomaly. He's huge. You know what I mean?
He's very smart, so they're saying that they
manipulate genetics. He is a big son of a bitch.
And he's a genius. He's smart, too. Melania,
who's a dude, then they get this incubator baby.
Who's Trump's baby and who knows where else they
got the baby. Well, no, but it's not Trump's
baby. Well, it looks just like him. I'm just,
Larry, this is just Jesus. This is your theory?
I mean, you really know the life out of a conspiracy
theory. I'm just guessing at what I think, man.
I'm saying this. I know what I'm just saying,
but this is what they're saying is that they
get the dude marries, the guy marries the man
that's a tranny, then they get these incubator
babies, and then they throw them into the public's
eye, but it's just a fucking robot or something
like that. This is what somebody said. Well,
I don't know. I'm just saying that's what they're
saying. When we think of robot, the stuff that
they have is so advanced right now that we couldn't
tell probably. Yeah, I don't think they're in
terms of robot. They're always 100 years ahead.
I'll tell you what, that Asian doll head, you
put that in a glory hole. Oh man, you put it
in a glory hole? Yeah, well. You got that sticking
out of the top of the glory hole. Dude, just
10 Asian heads in a, oh my, did you make a killing?
You totally make a killing. It'd be 24 hours,
they don't need to eat, they don't need to sleep.
24 hour glory hole. That's why you have it in
a glory hole. Coming from the man who knows that.
From the normal, glory hole expert. Give them
some meth. In a tri -state area. And off they
go. What's that? You give them some meth, and
off they go. All you do is you hose them off.
Oh, the robots. I thought you were talking. What
do you mean? How do you give heads? How retarded
are you today? The robot is going to fucking
do all this? Yeah, you just hose them off after
everyone. He thought they were real. I thought
they were going to be people. You didn't realize
that? He thought they were just going to be people.
Yeah, you'd have to feed real people. How would
you feed them? No, no, I thought like the robot
head would be up there. Like, no, here's an out,
in my mind would I imagine. The robot head up
there to track the tension. It's a real beautiful
head and she's speaking and shit. And then like
some dirt bag that's kneeling down at the glory
hole. So you're seeing actual. So that is a mouth
with whiskers. He's insinuating a man like Larry
always like. So when I go to the glory hole,
this is what I want. I knock a couple of times.
I look for the whiskers. Right, right. He's like,
I want a guy with the goatee. He walks in, he's
like, goatee. Guy puts his finger through. He
sure knows a lot about this. Oh, you got me,
Larry. I'm making jokes about it. Exactly. You're
just telling me what you want. I never even fucking
thought about any of those details. I guess you're
a regular glory -holer. I love how you so...
I mean, think about it. I'm not just saying.
A regular glory -holer. Let me tell you every
time I drive past zebulon that place is packed
Like clockwork, dude. I mean, this is an ongoing
thing. Me and my brother were kids. When we were
kids, we had a thing where we would drive past
on Christmas morning to see how many people were
there. The place was packed. And then me and
my brother, you know, because we need to get
out of the house to smoke some weed. And then
we'd fucking laugh and say, Merry Christmas.
There's some food guy that, like, food critic
guy that, you know, goes to restaurants and shit
and judges food. So he was in Roselle, judging
some Australian place. Yeah. Where exactly was
that? It was on Lake Street. I forget where it
was. It actually looked pretty good. Australian
food? Yeah, there's some sausage baked in some
red thing. Yeah, they have the worst food culture,
just as bad as fucking Britain. This looked pretty
good, though. It's a prison. It's a penal fucking
country. It's a prison. Here's our scrap set,
mate. I didn't mean it in the wrong way. Yeah.
Oh, well, no. So people are, oh, if you're in
Roselle, go to this place. And I wrote down,
yeah, you're in Roselle, go to Zebulat. They
got great food. Say Larry sent you. Tell him
Larry sent you. Tell him Uncle Larry. Tell him
Larry sent you. Oh Larry, I know him. You're
going to have to honker around here. You'll never
miss it. It's right next to girls, girls, girls,
24 hours live, ATM inside. You know that place.
That's another place that there's always cars
in front of. Well, that's got actual prostitutes
there. Yeah, that's a Robin Tug. I know that's
why I say to Mary every time we pass him like
it's an actual whorehouse. I've been there You
drive around to the back so you don't know how
many cars seems pricey I mean, if they're advertising
right there, girls, girls, girls, ATM and stuff,
that's an enemy right there. That's Chinese people
fucking... No, my cousin P told me it was like
a hundo to walk in the door before you even fucking...
Well, it's like 160, and then they start adding
stuff, and then it's... And then you deal with
the fucking girl on your own, you know what I
mean? Yeah, the mamasan comes in, and then you
gotta negotiate some shits, you know? But that's
another side of it. And that was a while back,
160 to walk in. I'm sure that's gone up. Oh,
of course. I'm sure there's a good washy, washy
around there. They have like a washy, washy finder.
Well, that's like going into a rubber tug, too.
It's like you're not paying to get in there,
but like for the tug. Well, no, it's a massage.
You want 30 minutes or an hour. That's a that's
your entry fee. It's like the massage. You get
out all fours. Yeah, but then you negotiate.
Not that I know about that stuff. You know, it's
all been told to you. Yeah, yeah. You get the
bottom bitch, and then you get the top bitch.
He's got the bottom bitch. You. Yeah. Absolutely.
What do you call it? Without me he'd be dead.
What time are we at? Saturday, Dad. We got a
ways to go, Sonny. Don't worry about minutes
and shit like that. I bet you it's pretty close,
actually. It's about like that on a world tour.
No, it's not. So then should we do fuck it? It's
not. We still got like another half hour to go.
Tiny Tim, two bits for your knickers. That's
how bad this show is. It's one of my favorites.
You need to show a picture, too. Two bits for
your knickers. It's been cracking me up. I love
it. Every time I talk to Kiki, you're like fucking...
Oh, man. You got to show a picture of that. What?
You already know? This is the childish shit.
No, see, like, you got to take a picture. What
do you mean? It's funny. I've seen the kid with
the knickers. No, you got to take a picture of
Larry with his cane and put them in. Too long,
you didn't see. So what I did was, I was telling
Kiki, I was like, this is what I imagine that
it would look like. And it was like a modernized
version of Tiny Tim. And he's just got one leg
cut off at the knee. And he's like all dressed
like all like 50s. Yeah, old time with the little
hat and he's all just like... Looks like he's
begging for change but he's like... Tiny Tim
is still alive? It's supposed to be like Tiny
Tim is still alive? Who knows? Are you talking
about the guy that plays the ukulele? Dude, I
mean, did we just not explain the whole thing
to him? Yeah, but Tiny Tim... Tiny Tim tipped
through the two lips, guy? The two lips? I'm
gonna put them and hit you right in the two lips.
Okay, because I thought you meant... I thought
you meant Tiny Tim from A Christmas Story. You
know, Tiny Tim and he's got the cake and the
crutch. Yeah, the weird pedophile, dude. No,
I'm talking about the... I'm talking about Ebenezer
Scrooge and the ghost of Christmas. What the
fuck are you talking about? Yeah, Tiny Tim...
Try some more food, Dan. You know, it's a little
English kid that was crippled. I mean, you really
just derailed all things. Well, no, that's it.
That's the guy I'm talking about. That's who
he's talking about. Yeah, not the Tiny Tim, the
ukulele player. Not the ukulele guy. No, not
the ukulele player. I would have said the ukulele
playing pedophile. Okay. So it is the guy from
the Christmas story. Talking about their Tiny
Tim. So son of a bitch, Larry. Yeah, the crippled
kid. The crippled kid is the one we were talking
about. But we were laughing about the... My God,
Larry, I swear to God. Because that's who he
imagined. We went and explained how he's wearing
old -timey shit. Looks like he's begging for
change. Oh yeah, now you remember. But he's just
trying to buy some knickers. Dude, damn. Knickers.
As long as he sees some knickers. So what we
were doing was that he's sick. So everybody thinks
that he's begging for change. So he's like standing
on the corner. He's like... And a lady comes
up to him and she tries to put... She tries to
put some coins in the coffee cup he's drinking.
He's like, hey lady, what you doing? She's like,
I thought you needed some pounds or whatever
the fucking stupid money you guys made. And then
you have some quid. And he's like, oh no ma 'am.
And he goes, I'm very sick. And she's like, oh,
what's wrong with you? And he's like, well, I
got this condition, my lady. You got a little
bit of a cold, do ya? Yes my lady, I got a little
cold. Well, do you need some medicine lad? He's
like, oh yes, I need a special medicine. She's
like, oh, will you go get it at the pharmacy?
No, whatever, some stupid word they called it
back then. You're going to get it at the pot
to carry? Yeah, the pot to carry. And he's like,
oh, you can't get it there, mom. Me medicine
comes from a very special place. He's like, where
does it come from? He's like. How about I give
you two bits for your knickers? And this is what,
a screenplay you have in your house, isn't it?
It's over and over. Going over. How about I give
you two bits for your knickers, Mom? And then
the next scene. The best part is, he turns it
on her. Then you flash forward and tiny killin'
four bits. Would you like me to climb up in there,
m 'lady? Get a couple sniffs from me? Would you
take four bits? Four bits for a sniff of your
bumhole? Yeah, it just goes over and over in
my head. I'm fucking retarded. The funny thing
is it makes us laugh. I love it. It makes you
laugh. Dude, what are you talking about? You
have no idea, man. I'm sure any listener out
there is like, what the fuck? They're still listening
at this point. Yeah, that's true. They're almost
as retarded as we are. I picture you as playing
this young kid. You just want to tell stories
about your dolls. I'm not telling anything. This
doll is not a doll. It's a human, man. It's not
a human. Dude, you're gonna play this young kid
the movie. Yeah, I'm gonna be his voice I'm gonna
do the voiceover. Oh, and then when I was nine
years old. Oh, come on. You could do better than
that Yeah, you got to do like a little educated
voice. Oh Yeah, you're doing like a third person
when he's a baby. It's gonna be like then when
I was Oh, boy. Now let's hear your movie script.
I got in my first game when I was six. I met
my first mulatto. I joined the mulatto boy when
I was six. I was a high -ranking mulatto. We
were huckin' and drivin'. By second grade, I
was in charge of the whole neighborhood. I wonder
if they have all, you know, the gingers get together.
I wonder if they have a mulatto get together.
They probably do. I doubt it. You hit the mulatto.
I see a lot of them. Yeah, that's what the t
-shirt would say. You hit the mulatto, 2025 picnic.
Yeah. You know. Oh, man. And they're just all
wearing like t -shirts, you know, like all the
mulatto. And they all like run around. You can't
win mulatto if you don't play mulatto. You get
like a hundred of them and you put them in numbered
t -shirts and then you run around and you pull
a ball out. And you seal them all up. Yeah, you
pull the ball out and that's the mulatto. You
won the mulatto. Well, I'm sure you can make
up a little bingo game to play while they're
having their little picnic. Well, yeah, that's
what it is. It's like a skin care product. They
all have a number on their back. If you look
inside the collar, you're sure there's a little
number and a letter. Oh, no, it's on the front.
M4. They run around like they're bouncing. Yeah.
No, I'm saying every participant. Yeah. They
have the number. Oh, yeah. Bonus number. You
gotta keep checking your collar. Am I, does he
not hear what the fuck I'm saying? Am I speaking
Chinese? Do you not only understand Chinese now?
This is a side fucking hustle. Do you understand?
Do you understand what's coming out of our mouth?
He's talking about the second, yeah, the bonus
lotto. He's always gotta warm up me. He's gotta
come up with a bonus lotto. No, I just was thinking,
you know, like if you don't have the people to
run around, you could also play it that way.
Or we could just get a hundred spaldings. Spray
them half black and white throw them in a big
bin The diaper to see what the number is Larry,
why would you want to do that? That's just a
painting on his head. Yeah rather than looking
a baby inside a fake baby's wiener Number I mean
be seven or whatever shit took a rough turn Your
scat play fantasy Whatever floating heads and
Larry's Larry's like I like it. Yeah, it works
Dude stick your finger through to let you know
he's got that's your fucking thing That would
be pretty funny. He'd just walk in and he'd be
like, goatee. That's a signal. That's a signal.
Goatee killing the finger. Oh, man. Whatever.
I'm going to get vulgar if you don't stop. You're
gonna get more vulgar or just actually vulgar.
Let's hear how Larry gets vulgar. I don't want
to do that. You don't want to do that in front
of your bastard child. Dude, don't talk about
him like that. I just did. That's not cool. I'm
gonna bounce him around like a spalding. Nah,
we'll see. We'll see. What you think about that?
Spalding? Shit. Shit. Larry's peetering out over
there. Nah, I'm just... Yep, the white claws.
Oh, yeah, I'm hammered. You have one white claw.
I'm fucking wasted. Still that warm sake is getting
to him. You know, yeah, I didn't have any, man.
I'm smarter than that. I don't like sake. What
are you smarter about? What? It was just sake.
I don't know, you know. Did she try to poison
us? All those decorative bottles. I'm not saying
anything. You're drinking white claws and she
had some high... I watch a lot of forensic files
and shit. But that's after people are dead. Larry's
no dummy. The only way is though it was a big
party anybody anybody could have put stuff in
the guy at the Miller Factory And then or the
guy at the White Claw Factory or whatever Which
I had several brands of beer and alcohol all
different brands all were sealed from the factory
That's all I know well hers were sealed off in
Larry's smart. Oh she did yeah I said, she opened,
she's like, oh, he, sorry, what'd he do? From
what? From Carrie Shack? No, Carrie Shack put
the cap on the bottle. Oh, I opened it for you.
Oh, yeah, like, oh, he put the water cap. It
just pops out. I was born to love you. I was
born to lick your face. OK. But what do you call
it? Oh, no, Larry's smart. He knows. She opens
the bottle, and he's like, oh, yeah, well, anybody
could have put that in there. It's like, all
right, man. Jesus. They're good at doing that
shit. They're good at roosting. You know, I'm
sure the food was good. It was amazing. I was
hungry and I wanted some. Oh, you didn't even
eat? Better safe than sorry. Yep. Yeah. This
is really going to your head. For all I know,
she's trying to kill her husband. Well, then
why would she kill us? That would be kind of
suspicious. Wow, we're there. Let's kill all
his friends. And let me tell you, they're smarter
than that. They're right in the corner, fucking
smoking heaters waiting for the orders, dude.
I know. They're not fucking killing people. They
slowly do it. How many fucking people do you
hear a week killing random people, you know what
I mean? Unless you live in Chinatown or something
like that. How many times? Or how about Wing
Hing? Wing Hing's been slow. Oh, Mr. X ate there.
He wanted to go there. Mr. X ate there. I'll
tell you what, they did have the best peanut
butter egg rolls back in the day. That's what
he got. That's what Mary fucking had some, too.
And she's like, oh, they're really good. No,
dude, the egg rolls there, I haven't had them
in... shit, probably 20 something years. But
they used to be the best. Who Jay used to work
there? You see the cockroaches were huge. Oh
yeah, dude, even my cousin. 20 years ago. We
were going to a funeral. Not that cockroaches
worked there. I rode with bad boy Mario. Little
walks and shit. In between leaving the funeral
service and then they're going to have a little
luncheon for the closer circle of people at Saraswan.
And Wing Hing just happened to be in between.
the locations and I was driving with Mario and
he went there and he ordered six egg rolls and
ate them all, wolfed them down in the car. Wolfed
them down in the car on our way to go have lunch.
You ever see the movie Fatso? Yes. I actually
saw that in the movie theater. Oh, did you really?
Dude, so it's Dom DeLuise in the movies called
Fatso. Him and his fat brother are like cousins
or something. I haven't seen it in so long. They
got to chain the fucking cab and it's a refrigerator
shot with chains. They would call him Fatso and
hit him and shit. He was really fat. So he went
to go get Chinese food and he goes and picks
it up. and he eats it all before he gets home.
Before he gets to the house, and it's for like
four or five people. Oh, man. And he gets to
go inside, so he just eats it all. And my grandma's
beating him with her piece of paper. Dude, I
saw it. They're just like totally yelling. It's
fat. It's so fat. Why would you? I saw the black
version of it. That's a movie recommendation
of the day. Yeah, that's a damn good one. Oh,
man. Great movie. Did you ever hear of a car
pizza? Like this black film, too. fat black people
were bringing pizzas over to their family, for
a family party. And they get a, I forget what
they call it, they call it the car pizza. They
get a whole pizza just for the car ride. Oh yes,
I've heard of this. Oh yeah, okay, a car pizza,
yeah, yeah. A car pizza to eat on the way home.
When you go to the ballpark, you get a walking
around slice or hot dog to go get another one.
To find the right place. Well, you know what's
weird? The woofers, they were pissed because
they couldn't get - I got a walking around dog.
When we were like - Well, we would be on tour
in Germany and shit. One thing there, we'd get
pizza all the time and they'd be like, what do
you like on your pizza? And I'd be like, well,
whatever anybody else likes, I'm good. No, what
do you like? And then you tell them. And then
there's nine people and then the guy comes with
nine pizzas. Everybody eats a whole pizza. I'm
like, wow. Yeah, because the ingredients are
way better there. Yes, but it's just freaky to
me that each person gets a whole pizza. How big
was it, though? It was like a medium. I could
eat a medium pizza in one sitting. You could
eat a fat girl. I mean, look at him. Wow. The
guy, the two -slice kid over here. Maybe right
here. He's got... But if there was nine people,
you probably wouldn't order nine pizzas. I'd
order one for myself or whatever they want. We
just had pizza. That was the craziest pizza that
I've had in a while. Artichoke hearts and roast
beef. I didn't like the roast beef ajarne part.
I could have lived without the roast beef, but
the artichoke hearts were great. It was all right.
So you're familiar with the car pizza, then?
Well, after this, yeah, I didn't realize. I mean,
I've got a pizza in my car and I'm eating it.
But bringing pizza home for the family? I wouldn't
buy one just for the ride home. No, no, no. I'll
have a slice out of it if I fucking feel like
it. I would have a piece or two. You know what
I mean? I'd take a piece or two out and then
be like, what the fuck, Tamari? She's like, really?
And I'm like, come on. God, you and the dad jokes.
She fell for it. Mamma Mia, someone stole a tour
of slices from her fucking pizza marriage. What
are we ever going to do? Did I ever tell you
the story about Juman, this guy I used to work
for? His name was Juman? Yeah, Mike Newman. Oh,
I just answered his name was Juman, you said
yes, and then you said Newman. So it wasn't.
What was his nickname? He was a Jew. But we would
get these pizzas and he was so in the pizza bag.
This is a long time ago. So on Thursday night
we'd order a large pizza and it was $7 .57. Good
old days. So we would take turns. Each week the
one guy or the other guy had to pay the extra
penny. Oh, yeah, we thought this yeah, he would
count the pieces of pieces whoever paid the extra
penny would get the extra piece in the middle
I mean, this is how bad the guy was. Oh, so one
week his nickname. So my dad had this fucking
scissor That was really heavy duty. The one you
see on TV where you can cut a penny in half So
I cut a penny in half. Oh man, they came I came
back in and like Hey, hey Mike There's your change
and I throw the half cent on the... And he gets
infuriated. That's why you'll never have any
money. He was right about that. Your people are
stupid. Yeah, he was right about that. This is
a federal... This is a federal... This guy's
three for three. This is a federal offense. Three
for three. You're defacing government property.
Four for four. He's been waiting for this moment.
And I'm like, holy fuck, dude. And I'm like,
man, you're the whole reason that Jews get a
bad name. like you can't even laugh at this joke.
I've been working here for fucking a year. It's
a penny. And we've been getting pizza every Thursday,
and you're fighting over the last penny. I'm
going along with you. I thought we could make
a fucking joke. You're an idiot. And I go, you
know, it's Jews like you that get the rest of
the Jews a bad name. You're the fucking guy that
makes everyone fucking not like Jews. All of
a sudden, he starts smiling from ear to ear,
and he calls up his brother, and he's like, hey,
listen to this. And he's like, go ahead, tell
him what you just told me. And then I hand the
phone back to him, and he's like, huh? And the
brother's like, jealous. Oh my god. That he's
got a goalie like you? No, that he got nominated
as the guy that's the reason that people hate
Jews. He told his brother, ha, in your face.
I'm more Jew than you. Yes. Yeah. That's what
he did. Yeah, he took that as a badge of honor
for that guy. It was a badge of honor. I mean,
I don't want to be, you know. Well, that's brutal,
man. That's where it's crazy. Snack Shuckle Sniffer
of the Year. Yeah, right. And now here, to top
it off, did he take that half penny? Because
he probably took it, brought it out. Oh, he was
going to save it as evidence. He should have
turned you in. He could bring it to the bank.
He could get a free penny. He probably did. You're
a deviant. You deserve to be provided. That's
why he was asking me for the other half a couple
days later. Seriously. He was going to bring
it in. So here's what he did, Peaky. First day
I'm working there, he's like, you want a Coke?
And I'm like, no, I'm good. And he's like, no,
I'm going to get some pops. You want one? I'm
like, yeah. And his son says, yeah, I'll take
one. So he comes back, and he writes 26 cents.
Because there were 25 cents back then, even at
the restaurant. It was a long time ago. 26 cents.
And I'm like, oh, wow, man. So I flip him a quarter,
and he crosses that off and writes, Larry, minus
1 cent. So now I owe him a penny. And I'm like,
wow, man. How do you think they get rich? And
he's like, if you don't have the money, I could
take it out of your check at the end of the week.
And I'm like, OK. Here's the penny I gave him
a couple of days later. He made his own son pay
him the $0 .26 fucking cents. And I'm just like,
damn, my dad was buying lunch for the whole crew.
Yeah, right? Fucking whatever, you know? Well,
yeah. It's just better. Charging a penny, man.
It's better, though. The thing is is that you
don't get rich doing that shit. We had a payphone.
At work, like if I wanted to call my girlfriend
or my mom or something. You shouldn't be making
calls at work anyways. Huh? You shouldn't be
making calls at work anyways. One time, Anne
Forth came in there. Oh, Jesus. Oh, boy. Who
the fuck is this guy? Oh, my God. We didn't even
talk about that. What do we? Don Anne Forth.
What's the new story? I can't even remember.
There's so much shit that happens to him. Do
we talk about it now? Or do we wait until fuck
it? Dude, this is gonna be a long podcast. Or
do we wait for Don Anforth to come in and defend
himself? What time we're at 109? Yeah, that's
a pretty good way. Yeah. No, we're good, man
We're gonna say this is a good pot. That's gonna
be a fucking cheese. That's it You're gonna remember
you gotta write that down. I don't and for its
story. I didn't remember for today Don't tell
us now though And let me tell you excited if
you guys even though I was there if you haven't
listened to the Don and fourth episode sandal
slaps and dirt naps Go listen back to that one
because next week you're going to be kind of
in the dark. So we're going to start about that.
It's going to be part two of that one. Alright
everybody, thanks for tuning in. Like, follow,
subscribe. I hate to say that but whatever. Thanks
for listening. You did record this week, right?
Wait, did I? Oh yeah. I can see the red numbers.
Have a great night everybody. Cheers. Adios.