Time to get ready for the Larry Needles show.
Alright, welcome to Larry Needles show. I'm Larry. I'm Needles.
Hello. See you there, woofer.
And Fat Joe, coming to you live from the basement of Guantanamo Bay tonight.
We're going to do a, ah, Shizer. We're going to do a, just a belated Christmas episode.
First of all, we got to say we lost a member of the Larry Needles universe.
Chaddalax father. So, R.A.P. Bob.
And, uh, and, uh,
Keep you in our prayers.
Also, to one of our big listeners, Sherry, her niece's son,
or maybe her nephew got killed in the car wreck last night.
Really? Christmas? Yeah.
Wow. What was it? Just wreckless driving?
I'm not sure. I didn't get all the details. You know, the kid lives in California.
Oh, really? Oh, he lives in California right now.
Yeah. It's Sherry's sister's kids. Godspeed, fellas, and brothers.
Brothers, kids. I can't remember. You fly on Jesus's wings.
Yeah. Because it's very sad, especially around the holidays.
Absolutely. So, obviously, you can see we have
Senor Wolffers here today. And Fat Joe.
And Fat Joe. He can't be up here.
No, you can't put him on your microphone, though.
How was your Christmas, Senor Wolffers? Good.
Yeah, do you have a good time? Yeah.
I mean, just still in the Christmas spirit, obviously.
Yeah. I know my Christmas call.
Yeah, it looks like you were doing a Christmas hit for the Mexican cartel.
And Fat Joe and Fat Joe was born on Christmas.
Was he born on Christmas? Okay, well...
December 25th.
Happy birthday, Fat Joe. You know who also was born on Christmas?
Who? Jesus. But that's a lie.
He was born... Jesus isn't a lie.
No, the birth date is... Yeah.
Why? We used to have calendars.
We used to have calendars in your wolfers, where every day was equal.
28 days. Wow.
It's now some of them have 31 days. 13 months.
Yeah, 13 months. Christmas.
Yeah, Christmas. Well, yes, I mean... I mean December.
Yeah, December.
April 1st was the first day of the year, not January 1st.
Yeah, so April Fool's Day, basically.
People, they fooled people. And that's why they haven't...
April was first, but January 1st.
That's it. That's why they have April Fool's.
Oh, it's all... Just like when you go to school.
It's all some sort of a Rockefeller, Ford-based thing
where they want you to get up this early in the morning
and then you go to school and they kind of indoctrinate you to do this every single day.
Yeah, I am 75 years old.
You're 75 years old? You're a dog?
No.
Okay, in human years. I'm the son of you.
Oh, you are the son of me. Yes, you are. I love Sonia Wolfers.
He's my favorite. You're 105.
I'm 105. I feel like it. Let me tell you.
Yeah, me and Senior Wolfers just figured out that my cats are older than him.
Which is very funny.
So...
By one year, they grew up together.
You guys grew up together.
Yeah, they did.
But... So then, what do you think Christmas is about Senior Wolfers?
It's about having fun.
It's about having fun and something...
Being with your family?
Being with family.
Being with your loved ones?
Kind of leading the Sicario right now.
And also, I'd say, what more things? Fadjo?
Yeah, Fadjo's out there.
So you had a good Christmas, everything was fun.
Well, you get school off too, right?
Yeah, for a whole year until January 5th.
Wow.
Yeah, I still go to school even though I'm 75.
Yeah, I was going to say.
You never stop learning, you know.
Yeah, I know. But it's kind of weird when you're 75 years old and the classroom full of children.
Oh yeah, I still children.
Yeah, you better watch out about that.
I'll be alone.
I'll be right down. You better not cry. I'm coming for you right now.
This is my desk from when I was 75 years ago.
Yeah, Larry went to school back in the 50s.
Do you have a desk like this where you put stuff inside?
We didn't have a desk, we put up a butt.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, that's a lot of butt space.
Yeah.
I mean, how do you not comfortable?
All we have is a notebook and a pen.
That's a lot to fit up your butt. You roll it or you just put it, you roll the notebook up or you just put it up there.
Leave it flat.
Oh, we just show it up there.
You're poor janitor in the bathroom.
There must be poop everywhere.
Yeah, it's blood.
Oh, jeez. Five people die from it every month.
Five people die from it every month?
Well, that's not good ads.
How do they keep all these people in there?
Hey, it's not me at least.
Yeah, that is true.
Five people a month, those ads are good.
How big is your class? It's got to be 5,000 people.
No, it's about, let's say, 100 in the school.
100? Okay, but...
So five a month?
No, there's more than 100 kids in your school.
Yeah, there's a lot more than that.
Well, I got to a place called the drug school.
Oh, jeez.
I've never heard of this.
You totally are a Sicario.
You're working for the cart's help.
And what does this drug school entail?
Oh, people smoke pot.
Oh, jeez.
All day long.
At school?
Yeah.
And you don't do drugs?
No.
You don't.
I'm not.
I will send your woofers slap you.
Yeah.
They just smoke pot all day?
Well, the funny thing is...
They smoke pot and just write, and then show it back up.
And then show it, but the funny thing is
Senor Woofers is learning about drugs right now.
At school?
Yeah, at school. And sex.
Which is kind of weird, but okay.
I mean, I don't...
They're ruining this kid.
So, that was the ruining it.
Actually, he's pretty...
He has a good time about it.
Does everyone laugh when you're in the class?
The teacher starts talking about that stuff?
No, they show up 15 feet real up their butt.
Oh, jeez.
But when the teacher starts talking about...
And then use them as a kebab.
When the teacher starts talking about drugs,
does everybody laugh or is everybody just like,
what the hell are you talking about?
Yeah, they just stare forward
because they don't know what's going on.
Except you, because obviously people are smoking pottles
in school.
At least you're not a narc, I like that.
You're not telling anybody.
You're perfect for this thing.
I'm from the FBI.
Please don't say that.
You're not from the FBI. We don't trust the government.
What? Come after your nap!
You're not coming after them?
We don't trust the government in these parts.
You better watch out.
What would you do for the FBI?
I just lure kids into my bed and then take them...
Jesus!
Holy Jesus.
Did you just see your kids?
You would lure kids into your bed and then take them.
I mean, actually that really does sound like the FBI.
Absolutely.
I mean, you'd fit right in.
I mean, you wouldn't even need an interview.
You'd just have to write that right on your resume.
And they wouldn't even want to fingerprint you, probably.
And then we used the kids. It's our new FBI agency.
Oh, okay. So you're honey potting.
Yeah, you send the honey pot to other kids.
I mean, how many vans do you have?
Just one?
We have the big Diddy Van.
You have a Diddy Van?
Oh my God.
How do you know about Diddy?
And what is in the Diddy Van?
You don't want to know.
No, I don't want to know.
Sounds dangerous.
Well, I mean, how do you...
And what does Fat Joe have to do with the Diddy Van?
See the driver?
Yeah.
He just...
Most of the time he crashes because he can't see over the thing.
Well, he can't touch the pedals either.
He can't just sit there.
So you guys load the van up with children.
And then it just sits there because you can't touch them.
And if one of them...
Oh, that's a shut up.
We just throw Fat Joe over them.
You throw Fat Joe at the kids?
And what does he do to them? He takes care of them?
No, he torques them.
He torques them?
Oh, because it's the Diddy Van.
Where did you buy this Diddy Van?
Or did the FBI specially make it?
And does he have a picture?
Oh, we killed Diddy.
Wow.
Dude, from senior woofers to FBI agents,
howl to your ears.
Where'd you kill him at?
His mansion.
He's been dead probably for weeks, right?
Yeah.
We hid the body in somewhere.
You can't say where you hid it because it might be hidden anymore.
Do you know where Jimmy Hoff is at?
No? Okay.
He's totally FBI.
Uh-uh.
I don't know.
Who's Jimmy Hoff?
He was a guy that was murdered by the mob,
supposedly.
Teamsters Union.
Well, yeah, he was ahead of the Teamsters Union
and caused a big kerfuffle and they did not enjoy it.
He was a very powerful guy.
Also, they were stealing money from the Teamsters Union
and the pensions.
Well, one of the things that happened was he went to prison
and the mob saw how much money he was making
and they were like, fuck this guy.
We can cut him out of this scene.
He had a lot of power
and the truckers loved him,
but that's why they had to off that moment.
And then, as usual, they threw a stink and guess what?
Buy-buy Jimmy.
And they never found him.
His body is missing.
It's a funny thing when you get older,
we'll talk about where's Jimmy Hoffa.
But they always try to do that.
But back to this Diddy Van.
How many miles per gallon does he get?
Is it a good gas mileage?
Oh my god.
I can't believe that.
I mean, so basically,
you're saying that you're running the kind of like an Epstein Island.
I didn't say that.
Epstein's bus.
Epstein's van.
That's like, what's that called?
Oh man.
It was going to say Rorschachs,
but not Rorschachs.
Pavlov.
Oh, is that called Pavlov's dog?
Pavlov's dog.
I forgot.
But um, so then
Schrodinger's cat.
Thank you Larry, that's what I was looking for.
I knew it was one of those animals.
Owned by a scientist.
Okay.
So then what part do you play in the FBI,
senior Wolfers?
I just played the thing that
mostly,
it's just anybody in my way that's taking
of our kids.
We kill them, we take the van
and we just drive without a friend.
How many people have you killed?
This isn't good, and I don't know if you should admit this,
but that's okay.
As many free candy vans
are there in the world.
Okay, do they have to say,
so they do write free candy on them?
No.
I understand why he wears a disguise now.
Yeah, exactly. We should have muffled your voice too.
We said you want some drugs.
We said you want some drugs to kids?
And they say no, because right?
You want some candy?
There you go.
We want some V-box?
You ask them, do they want to get high,
and then if they say no, you say you want some candy instead?
Yeah.
And then there's drugs in the candy.
You want some dogs?
So what happens if someone tries to take you?
I have a Glock on me.
You have a Glock on you all the time?
You are strapped to the end.
How do you think I'm in the FBI?
I think there's other reasons that you're...
I think there's other reasons that you're in the CIA then,
because usually you guys butt-eds.
They don't like...
they want to always encroach on your territory.
They almost killed me, but I killed 10 of them.
You killed 10 CIA agents?
Yeah.
How many shots?
One to each guy or multiple?
Some of the nuts.
So that's two shots per burst.
Free if you're kind of wee wee.
Oh, you got them in the nuts and the wee wee?
No, I mean, worldwide.
Better than John Wick.
Better than John Wick? I know we watched John Wick 4 last night.
He's all gacked out on murder.
How many murders were there last night in that movie?
A thousand?
150 something.
For real?
Holy fuck.
I mean, I don't even know these 10.
I killed a thousand.
I think it was like 450 murders for all the 4 John Wick movies.
That is crazy.
Which is very funny, because...
He actually worked for the CIA?
Who?
John Wick? No, he didn't work for the CIA.
I linked him and then I just killed him.
You killed John Wick?
With my fists.
With your fists?
You have bold statement.
You understand that, right? Now people are going to come after you.
Then I took him in the Diddy Van.
Then you took him in the Diddy Van?
Oh, man.
You did not disrespect John Wick's old vantage.
Did he go willingly?
I didn't do that at all.
And then what did the Fat Joe work on him?
No, he did that by your eyes.
We call it Tyrone.
You call Tyrone?
Who's Tyrone?
I mean, there's a lot of players in this game.
Tyrone just shot him in the head with a dragon's breath.
Oh, do you know what?
So, Dragon's Breath, it's a shotgun bullet.
And what it does is it shoots
bullets, it shoots like a...
I don't know if it was buckshot or if it was a slug.
It was like a...
It was a slug, but it shoots fire at you.
So you start on fire when it hits.
I think it's a slug.
Is it a slug? No, but no.
No, it's a buckshot. I thought it was buckshot.
Yeah, it was a buckshot. You could see all the...
You could see the...
The pieces.
But yeah, so Tyrone versus Tyrone.
John Wick on Christmas.
Hey, why don't you talk?
You talk.
It's a great Christmas movie.
Or else what are you going to do? You're going to throw Larry in the Diddy Van?
Oh, no.
Well, the problem is...
Make Tyrone do his thing.
You can't drive past a schoolyard
when Larry's in the van though. You got to take the other route.
Alternate routes.
Oh, no, we just throw him at a kid.
You guys just throw him at a kid?
Oh, man, I was thinking you'd feed him to the alligators or something.
No, it's...
Tyrone, how do you know Tyrone?
I... I found him at...
I found him at Burger King.
You found Tyrone at Burger King?
Yeah. What was he doing there? Working or eating?
He was eating.
And being up people.
At the same time?
This guy's awesome.
How big is Tyrone?
10 feet.
Maybe funny if we said he was a midget.
He was like 3 foot tall.
He's 10 feet tall.
He sounds like a bad mother. He sounds like a Nephilim giant.
Yes.
He's like a giant though.
And what he does, you're bidding? He's like you're underling?
He just beats up the strong people.
The CIA.
You beat the CIA? I know, because you and the FBI and the CIA do not get along at all.
That's a problem.
Fat Joe.
Fat Joe, what do you have to say for being trapped?
I hate you.
Oh, jeez, man.
And that's your getaway driver. You better be nice to him.
I dropped you on that accident. Don't make me slap you.
I mean, so...
And okay, where did...
So the FBI created the Diddy Van or did you buy it from someone?
I bought it from... I stole it from Diddy.
You stole it from Diddy?
Yeah, wherever we killed him.
You could also steal cards too.
Yeah, we also killed Diddy.
Yeah, I know, but I mean...
So let's put it this way.
Okay, how about this then?
So, right now there's a Diddy in jail.
But you killed the OG Diddy?
The original Diddy?
So there's a fake Diddy in jail.
He said a double.
He was hit clown.
Oh, my... Larry, did you just hear that?
He said that again.
He was the clone of Diddy.
He's the clone of... This guy really is a The FBI.
Jamal.
Who is in the same cell?
Jamal too?
So you got Tyrone, Jamal.
These are the people...
Is he a pattern here?
Are these people he met in jail?
I met Jamal in jail.
You were in jail?
Yeah.
Under cover word?
Stealing kids from a van.
Oh, stealing kids from a van?
So wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You got caught stealing kids from a van?
No.
I did accidentally shoot the gasoline thing.
The tank? The gasoline tank?
Please don't tell me you blew the car up with all those kids in it?
No, the kids got out.
Okay.
Well, that would be Fat Joe then.
No, he's R.
Oh, Fat Joe's your getaway driver.
Yeah, and we just got away, but then we got hit by a tank.
You got hit by a tank? Where the hell are you? Afghanistan?
No.
What was it saying?
The army went to us.
The army came to you? Have you ever served overseas?
Have you ever done any...
Excuse me. Have you ever done any work overseas?
Operator work?
You sure?
Never been to Afghanistan?
Iraq?
Afghanistan, yeah.
Okay, I knew that. I saw that in your eyes.
What were you doing in Afghanistan?
I was getting little babies with my friends.
You were kidding. How come it always boils down to putting babies in the van?
For example, they're smoling over there. I kidnapped them.
You kidnapped Spalding? Oh, that's how we got Spalding.
From a family, yeah.
There we go, Larry. There's the worst.
Spalding, say something.
Spalding.
What do you want, sucker?
Tomorrow.
He stole me from Afghanistan.
Who's Spalding?
I'm done with a big body.
So, you're doing all this wet work in Afghanistan, shall we say?
Do you ever see Saddam Hussein, or what do you call it?
You remember Mido Osama bin Laden?
Yeah.
How about the Ayatollah Khomeini?
He's from Afghanistan or is that Libya?
Ayatollah Khomeini.
I think that's Libya.
Is he Libya or is he? Yeah, but you just think you would know all those guys.
Well, yeah, but when we're starting to get there, let's start from the bottom.
We're gonna work our way up.
So, you met Osama bin Laden, right?
Was he a good dude?
No. No? What was wrong with him?
He just messed up here at ADHD.
His what?
He had ADHD. He had ADHD.
He did, huh?
So, what is that happening?
He was always cleaning his guns and his goats.
Yeah, and he's also cross-eyed.
He's cross-eyed?
He was so big though. Did you go to his cave or did you go to his house?
His cave.
Did he ask you about 9-11 or did you ask him about 9-11?
I told him, if he don't tell me about 9-11, I'd shoot you with a shotgun in the head.
With a shotgun in the head?
Yeah.
You know what happened though? He told me everything.
He told you everything?
What did he tell you about 9-11?
I mean, you're very persuasive when you have a shotgun pointing at your head, right?
And this is what you're wearing in Afghanistan too, right?
You're somewhere on your ski mask.
With Fat Joe.
Fat Joe is my shotgun.
He rides shotgun.
He was my shotgun.
He can't shoot Fat Joe.
Out of his ass probably.
We need to get you a drug rug.
I know.
Well, no, that's not like a pullover.
So you were in Afghanistan with the sombra on and the ski mask and nobody said anything to you?
They said, they said, yeah.
We have a reputation though.
Yeah, so people are kind of scared of you, right?
What did they say though?
Who the hell are you?
What did you say?
I said, I'm your worst nightmare.
Oh, Jesus.
You're not going to be afraid to introduce people or introduce yourself to people, do you understand that?
They never talked to me again.
Oh, well, because you probably killed them, right?
How many people you kill out there in Afghanistan?
Oh, no, they moved to Libya.
They moved to Libya?
So was this before or after Mo Mar Gaddafi got killed by the CIA?
Because you see the CIA, they liked...
Before, I was good friends with him.
You were good friends with Mo Mar Gaddafi?
Wow, Gaddafi?
Really?
You drive around in vans and get chipped?
Yeah.
I mean, this seems to be a reoccurring theme with FBI.
I didn't joke.
You knew Fat Joe? He wasn't around then, right?
Fat Joe wasn't alive.
No, he wasn't alive yet.
Did you have Skinny Joe?
No.
I had, I had...
I don't know, who'd you have?
I had Pepe the Frog.
Oh, Pepe the Frog, man.
Now we're definitely going to get canceled.
I know Pepe the Frog, which I try to explain to him is all of a sudden now...
I still get canceled.
I'm as bad as...
I'm so bad.
Because Pepe the Frog has deemed a right wing...
I've got...
...Jose, racist icon.
I'm as bad as Self Park.
I know the Frog you're talking about.
We've seen him, yeah, we've looked it up before.
Self Park's not canceled, though.
It would have been if it was worse.
It's very bad, actually.
It's probably the worst of the worst.
They talk about...
They talk about Diddy Vans, they talk about Osama bin Laden,
they talk about putting kids in vans.
I mean, Daniel, it sounds like you're a writer for them.
Yeah.
Or else they might be living vicariously through your work.
No, no, I'm Eric Cartman in disguise.
You're Eric Cartman in disguise?
Yeah, I was the writer.
Hey, baby.
I'm Sonja Wilfus.
I'm Spassin' Yo' Wilfus.
I just think you were.
Yeah.
Leaving out Eric Cartman in disguise.
But that's very funny, though.
So, do you have a good Christmas, Larry?
Yeah, man.
Got the hand with your fam?
Yeah, we went to...
Shot out of no shirt, Nick and Big Joe?
Yeah, we hung out in my mom's.
Yeah, Big Joe.
Alex didn't show up.
Oh, shorty.
I'm gonna say real names, but that's fine.
I'm surprised you're not gonna give his address out right now.
We want to live in California right now.
What a crampole.
They just started arresting for felonies again,
for shoplifting and stuff.
As they should.
Which against Newsom's orders.
He was totally against this bill.
Should people be arrested, Senior Wilfus,
if they steal or break the law?
As an FBI agent?
Or do you just convert them into...
Or just kill them?
Or do you convert them into agents?
No, not...
What do you call it?
We use them as money.
Informant.
Informant?
Senior Wilfus is gonna kill you if you lie.
No, we use them to...
We use them to get money.
Who?
The informants?
We hold a gun at the head and we tell them...
Man, there's a lot of...
There's a lot of shady stuff going on in the FBI.
I mean...
I mean, you threaten a lot of people.
I think it's about like 20 already.
At least.
That's just the beginning.
That's just the beginning?
There's about a whole year.
Whole year?
We're for talent.
At this point in time, I think that...
You've kind of broken some laws. You know that, right?
Yeah.
Laws? We don't need no stinking laws.
I killed the law.
You killed the law?
I killed police officers.
Don't say that.
If your Wilfus is joking...
If they've found me with a gun...
Obviously this is parody.
If they've found me with a gun...
Yeah, okay. Well, you know what? You do work for the FBI.
And they are definitely corrupt.
And I'm sure they've killed civilians and police officers.
Sure. They get in the way or something.
But man, you really do fit the mold of the FBI.
Absolutely.
Actually, you're more of a CIA guy, shall I say?
Yeah.
You like to travel around the world.
I know where the FBI lives.
Do they have put...
You know what a B-52 bomber is?
Those big planes?
Do they drop bombs?
Do they put Diddy's van in the back of that?
And then when you go to Afghanistan, they drop it to the ground.
So you got something to drive around in?
No.
They make it 4x4 like you got a Land Cruiser Diddy Van?
So first,
let's say this is where he drops it.
Okay, so fat Joe goes in first.
No.
He drops the bomb.
Oh, fat Joe drops the bomb.
The bomb.
That's a bomb or is that the Diddy Van?
That's the bomb.
What kind of bomb?
Nuclear capabilities?
Stop pulling on that thing, sucka.
I know, but it did last time.
Does it have nuclear capabilities?
Is it just a big fire bomb?
It's nuclear.
Nuclear?
Where did you get the material for that?
Hillary Clinton?
Or the tiny head crew?
I mean, either one of those answers is acceptable.
The tiny pug crew?
Oh, the tiny pug crew?
They're probably the worst.
They make it enriched in uranium.
The pug crew?
So that's a worldwide gang then?
The tiny pug crew?
No.
The tiny pug crew?
No.
The tiny pug crew?
Better than the Japanese though.
Oh, what do you call it?
Yigmaengwo.
Yakuza.
That's who the Japanese gang is.
Yigmaengwo.
Oh, jeez.
Are you doing the nation?
Oh, what about the Indians?
What about the Indians?
Hello.
Have you ever been to the CIA
and gone to India
and then you're gonna have to deal with those guys?
I am 50% Indian.
Is that your context?
Did you meet a senior
a senior official?
He tried to sell you a microwave.
Senior ding dong.
So now you're doing what work in India also?
What do you Indian?
No, I'm not. Well, I can be Indian
if you want to be.
Would you please enter this code
into your bank account and then send me the address?
No, screw it. Give me Kamalpoop.
You can't ask, screw it. Give me Kamalpoop.
I am also Saudi Arabian.
No, that's not how Saudi Arabian is.
You're gonna get us killed, dude.
Come at me.
How's it going, dude?
It's in World Street.
Quit banging that thing around.
Yeah, you can't be banging because it screws up.
Larry, obviously you can tell Larry doesn't have children.
He tried to pull a knife
on senior woofers.
Come on, squirter.
Man, you're way funnier than Kiki.
Kiki, you're out.
Senior woofers is here.
Come at me, squirter.
So, what do you do in the United States then?
Well, okay, so you started out as FBI
and now we're just gonna move you to the CIA
because, I mean, you're just doing a lot of work that...
So, what do you do in the United States then?
I do a lot of stuff.
No, you're not using an alias?
This thing, this ship,
this show would have been canceled
if I told everything.
Okay, well, I mean,
let's try to keep it nonchalant then.
How about we say, let's go kind of low-key.
Let's just say...
There's nothing that low-key I do.
Let's see, how about this?
You're going...
You're going to be a liberal, not specific.
Yeah, so you're...
Okay, so all of these people invade Colorado
and they're not supposed to be there.
Like, but everybody let them in
without us voting on it
or telling them what to do.
What would you do to get these people out
if you work for the CIA from Colorado?
And there's about 20,000 of them.
But you have full access
to all the CIA's armaments
and gear and personnel.
So how would you get 20,000 people out of Colorado?
I... I...
I copy
40,000 of these new do-do-do's.
40,000 fat Joes?
Yeah.
Okay.
With assault rifles, shotguns.
I mean, they'd have to be kind of tiny.
Well, 10,000 of them have snipers.
You have 10,000 snipers
for 20,000 people?
So wait a minute. Do you plan on killing these people?
Just not deporting them?
No, we just frighten them.
And what do you... but frighten them?
They have to leave the country, though.
Yeah, we push them out of the country.
How do you push them out of the country?
That's a lot of Diddy very well.
What about Brazil?
No, we're talking about Colorado.
Yeah, we're moving them to Mexico.
Oh, man.
That's the smartest thing you said tonight, Sergeant.
Actually, we should just put them on a rocket
and send them to the moon, right?
If we can afford it.
If we can afford a lot, let me tell you.
How many people have killed an odd amount of money?
Yeah, I was going to say, you're probably rich, right?
Uh-huh.
How do you get paid, though?
Per head. Every person you kill
is a certain amount of money.
So are you a counter-killer?
Yeah, remember we talked about that before?
I'm worth about $500,000.
$500,000? It's a half a billion dollars.
You probably don't want to say that, do you?
Come at me!
You heard it first.
Come at me, bro.
Come at me, bro. I'm strapped and ready.
Strapped and ready?
I mean,
so...
I mean,
how are you going to get all these people out of this country, then?
Vans?
Buses?
Um...
Dig a hole and just bury them?
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
It's a lot of bodies, though.
Right?
How many people are in the world?
A billion.
There's about 8.5 billion people in the world, I think.
Yeah, something to that extent.
I negotiate with a medical.
Russia.
What do you think about Russia, then, senior woofers?
I say, not!
You don't like Russia?
No, why not?
But why?
The enemy, too.
That's just great.
I said Trump.
Do you know who said that?
That old guy that keeps on falling asleep on stage.
Joe Biden.
Sleepy Joe keeps on saying that.
But you remember,
can you trust the government?
There you go.
Right from the...
Right from the babes mouth.
I am the governor.
You should run the CIA.
You know you can't be trusted.
You're smarter than half of these people that are doing it.
And you could probably be more clandestine.
Would you...
Fat Joe.
Yeah, we have to make Fat Joe dress light.
Tyrone Jamal.
You got a crew already going on.
What if we made...
What do you call it?
Fat Joe a honeypot.
If you had to dress up like a lady and put him in a dress.
And you had this seduce man.
I said we give him...
5 feet up.
There was a man at the bar
that we wanted to get information out of.
We don't want a water board yet.
Because I know that's your favorite tactic.
Right?
I swear for next Christmas
I'm going to buy Senor Wolfer's
the Guantanamo bacon.
This is a water board.
Comes with a car battery.
And jumper cables.
One of those hoods that they wear.
And definitely two boxes
so they can stand on while you electrocute them.
And turn them into a Christmas tree.
But where were we?
So what if we have to say that...
Say there's a man at the bar
and we got to extract information from him.
Because he knows where the nuclear warheads
that stupid Canada
accidentally put in maple syrup
and they're going to blow up the whole country.
How do we extract information
with Fat Joe dressing like a lady?
Woooo!
He just starts showing his butt.
Okay.
He starts showing his boobs.
Yes, you definitely do work for the CIA.
Get him five feet of them!
Is John Wick rated R?
Yes.
Not compared to me!
There's no nudity in barely any swearing.
I'm going to tell you right now.
Like our show?
There's no nudity in hardly any swearing.
The night is not over yet.
But at the same time
isn't that crazy that I would rather see
for a ten year old?
That's more comparable
to seeing nudity
and fortuitous
sexuality
and swearing.
Yeah, pretty gay.
I've never seen it, but
I know about it.
I didn't say it!
I know you didn't, but that's just very funny.
Every time you lie, I hate to slap you.
I mean, I just...
So what did you do in Mexico?
That's what we do to Spalding.
Every time he lies, we slap him real hard.
How about stuff that a fromer?
He's left the gold teeth right out of his mouth.
How about a fromer?
No, you're not throwing Spalding.
I thought you saved him, didn't you?
I saved him from the crazies.
From the crazies, yes.
I'm not saying I fully saved him.
No, but not at all.
He worked for the CIA.
Maybe he could definitely work for the CIA.
He could smuggled in half of those people.
That's all right.
Um...
He goes way undercover.
Yeah.
He may look like a couple months old.
A year old.
But he's 42.
Black dough crack.
Except he gets real ashy, though.
Hey, Spalding, what do you say about that?
Hey, I...
Don't do racist.
Why's that?
It's not racist.
That's true.
I don't like it.
You know Spalding don't like it?
Now you're doing Spalding's voice?
Oh, God.
You're just a triple threat.
You work for the FBI, the CIA.
Do impersonation.
Yeah, do an impersonation.
So then what did you do in Mexico then?
Well, I did in Mexico.
I eat tacos.
You didn't eat in Mexico?
What kind of tacos?
Because I know what you like.
Ground beef.
Yeah, tell everybody how to eat...
Tell everybody as a white person how to eat tacos.
You...
I can't tell you something.
No, you're a flower!
Yeah, no flower tortilla, right?
No flower.
500-pound-o beef man?
Yep, there you go. Tell them like it is.
Speak, sister.
I know, I know.
And then ground beef.
I like onions and cilantro. Cheese, because you're a child.
Well, it's in your woofers.
I'm 75.
I know you're 75.
You're still going to school.
And during the CIA and the FBI,
it sounds like you're a plant for Homeland Security.
And it sounds like you're going to get the Larry and Needle show canceled.
Absolutely.
Truth that you're speaking.
I don't know if this is a good idea to have you on anymore.
Yeah.
Oh, you're 75.
What'd you do in Vietnam?
Oh, Vietnam.
Yeah, do you even know where Vietnam is?
I would...
How about the golden triangle?
If I would say something.
You know the German flag over there, right?
Yeah.
Oh, that's a German flag.
I don't know...
Yes, we know the German flag.
Actually, those are an ally of the Larry and Needle show.
The Germans, shall we say.
Absolutely.
That's like a hippie version of the communist German flag,
where they took out the little hammer and the...
Sickle.
Well, it wasn't a sickle, it was a compass.
It was like, yeah, okay, yeah.
A compass and a hammer.
And they put that heart in the middle.
You see, it's got the heart.
So that was like some kind of thing.
I don't know.
That thing's made out of paper.
I dragged it all the way back home from Germany.
I don't think you dragged it.
It's kind of small.
I put it in my suitcase and carried it around.
Alright, so let's get back to Mexico. You had tacos.
Yeah.
Did you have a mule? A donkey?
So you had a donkey?
I had a donkey!
I had a frutti.
You named it what?
Oh, Freddy Fazbear.
That's the name of this lyric.
Yeah, Freddy Fazballs.
Freddy Fazballs?
Freddy Fuzzyballs, actually.
Your donkey just had huge nuts.
You were in all those Freddy Furry nuts.
Watch out.
You heard how big of a stick your sombrero holds.
What were you doing in Mexico then?
Running pot for the cartel?
Larry, come on.
Is that how they got it to the classroom?
That's how we got our pug army.
You recruited them?
In Mexico?
They were like, ah, we got...
We gave the pugs five pounds of pot.
Five pounds of pot?
Yeah.
How do they carry five pounds of pot?
And that's because...
And they're ass?
Come on.
I love that your point is...
And you didn't even say it.
You're like, show me where they put the pot on you.
That's a lot to put up your ass.
Do you know how big five pounds of pot is, dude?
It's like...
I mean, it's huge, dude.
It's bigger than that drum right there.
Yeah.
Do you see his butt?
Yeah, I see his butt.
It still hurts.
How does he walk, then, if he's got five pounds of pot in his ass?
On his front legs.
I mean, you really do work for the CIA.
This kid's got it figured out.
So then what'd you do with your donkey then?
I mean, so wait, so you meet the pug gang down...
Is it way sign...
This pug gang is all over the place.
They're in Afghanistan and Mexico.
They want tacos.
That's all they want is tacos?
Tacos and pot.
That is the episode, dude.
They put pot on the tacos.
Dude, these guys are out of control.
I don't think you should hang out with them.
You don't hang out with them, right?
You're my best friend, right?
Yeah.
You're just... They're your liaisons, right?
Like, you guys kind of help each other out.
You don't hang out with them.
They're my German army.
Oh my God.
How do you know they're German?
You can tell by their armbands?
No.
No? Dude, you're this kid?
Oh my God.
You're smarter than half the people I know.
And funnier.
Oh my God. With Hymer, we had...
41 minutes.
Holy crap, Sidney.
41 minutes left?
No, we were doing it for 41 minutes.
My eyes have gone red.
Well, yeah, because you keep messing with them.
Stop messing with them.
It's on the pot.
No, hey, Larry, come on.
Jesus, man, what are you doing?
That's one of the first words you said this whole podcast.
Yeah, Larry is being quiet.
He's all weird and weird.
Yeah, and you say that?
Well, no, you know what's happening?
I want you to find out that he has his own ditty van.
Do you know?
He's a competitor.
Oh, you're holding it.
What's that?
No.
Is he holding off, you know, the little rat over there?
What's that? I can't hear you.
Is he holding the little rat over there?
Who's holding the rat? No, he's not holding the rat.
But Larry is one of your competitors.
Yeah.
You gotta watch out.
Larry was a good friend with Dean.
I'm gonna pull a Glock on Larry.
Yeah, pull a Glock on Squidward.
Yeah, dude.
Larry will just show you his butt and be like,
I don't have any pot on me.
Yeah, but that's over how pugs do it.
Hmm?
No, that's just pugs do it. How many pugs are in this gang?
In this cart?
Should we call them a cart?
Holy shit, dude.
40,000 pugs. That's a cartel.
And they're all in Mexico or are they all over the world?
No, they're all over the world.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, this sounds like a very dangerous job.
How do you survive?
I give up on pot every day.
That sounds like how they survive.
Why, are they gonna kill you if you don't give them pot?
No, yeah, they'll just pull it.
Man, you better not tell your mom about that.
I can't.
I'm going right to jail.
So that how you survive is you give the pugs pot?
Yeah.
Do they smoke it or do they eat it?
We put in their tacos, he said.
Oh, they put in their tacos?
Yeah, that's what they do. They like tacos.
Yeah.
Pacos.
There you go. Pacos is good. I like that. Man, this kid's good.
Let me tell you.
Pacos.
All right. So then are you trying to overthrow the Mexican government
or are you just happy there?
I'm happy.
Well, what about you're happy here?
You're in a United States citizen, right?
Yeah, but I've also been Mexican.
You've also been, well, yeah, obviously you said we're woofers.
I senior.
My son, Le Bon Le Bix.
Who?
Le Fien, the senior.
I don't know who that is. You have to say it.
Oh, well, Le Bon Woofers.
Le Bon Woofers.
Who's that? He's French?
He's my son.
He's your son? You were married at one time?
Well, he's 75 years old.
Yeah, but usually if you're
and if you're this clandestine
and an operative, you don't want to be married
because then those people become assets
or not assets, but they become.
Oh, no, no, he works in the CIA.
Target. Your kid works in the CIA with you?
He's 25.
Oh, well, excuse me. Like, I know.
What does he do in the CIA?
Same thing as me.
Yeah, I mean, steals kids and sells pug, pot to pugs.
Yeah, he's my second ride.
Oh, he owns the second van.
He owns how many vans are there?
And do you get a gas card from the CIA?
Or do you have to pay for gas yourself?
We get a gas card.
Okay, well, that's good.
We use their farts.
Use pug farts?
Yeah.
You call me gas.
I don't know if you can harness pug farts
into a profitable fuel.
Oh, no, they fart because of tacos.
We give them taco bell.
Oh, I mean, so you're giving them a pop taco?
Well, they got this new thing. You stick the tube up the pug's ass.
Yeah, that's right.
I mean, how many pugs do you need?
Again, all the words you said, that's bad.
Again.
Is he giving away your secrets, just like the guy who made
the water card and they had the can?
I hope that.
If you're better than that.
I made a car out of water. Next thing you know, you're 5 feet under.
He's dead.
I made a car off a pug farts.
No, you're dead.
Yeah, that's all right though.
The 5 feet under pugs.
So you got 40,000 pugs in Mexico.
And they're all at your back end call.
Like, can you tell them what to do whenever you want?
Have you ever tried to overthrow a government
with your pugs?
We've already thrown...
We've already thrown... Overthrown?
The Portuguese.
The Portuguese. And the Belgium.
Wow.
Belgians, man, you get around, don't you?
What did you get, a lot of waffles from Belgium?
I love waffles.
I know you love waffles.
I was there, I thought I noticed an overabundance of pugs.
And pugs.
In little ones, just a fan too.
You're like, ah, man.
I'm starting to see a pattern of all these countries.
What do you think about...
So, um...
What happens... Do you know any...
So what would you do if a country tried to make its own currency
and move away from the U.S. dollar?
To that... What would you do to that country?
We would send the pugs.
Send the pugs to do what?
To...
Well, say, I don't want to use the American dollar anymore.
I'm going to start using this
as my
mode of currency.
And I'm going to completely get away from America
and all the other countries.
So now, for me to do business, say I want to buy a bottle of water
or a beer
or a pot for pugs,
I'm going to use this instead of the American dollar.
How do you feel about that, senior woofers?
Well, I mean, I don't know what that indicates,
though. You dropped the pen.
Oh, well, we're killing him.
You're going to kill him?
So you're like, you have to use the American dollar
or else you're dead? Yeah.
Okay, well, why is that? Because you don't like competition, right?
No.
Just like the Federal Reserve and the CIA,
they don't like competition. I've killed Putin.
You killed... Oh, my God.
So you killed Diddy. You killed Putin.
What about Bill Clinton?
Is he still alive? He's fine.
He's fine? Okay. What about Hillary?
Hillary Clinton. Do you know who she is?
No. Okay, that's what you're supposed to say.
You don't want to be killed from them either.
What's wrong, Hillary?
I got this thing from...
Oh, here it is. If I was back...
Speaking of the presidents and all this,
check this thing out.
If I was back in, you know, I was in the World War...
Yeah, World War I or II?
All of them.
All of them? Okay.
So I got this thing from the White House.
It's 2024 ornament.
But it's got Jimmy G.
Carter.
And look at this thing.
How did he get that?
Lynn gave it to me.
Look at this intricacy on this thing, man.
Jimmy Carter, not a great president.
He killed the two of them.
No, but if you read this little booklet,
it would sound like he was the greatest...
Oh, man.
He was the only guy that was...
If I would say...
He was the only president that was
certified in the submarines
and they named it Submarine After
and there's a picture of it up there.
And...
That Joe loves the camera.
But it's pretty crazy, you know,
and it's just weird because it's 20...
It's a 3D. Yeah, and it's 2024.
And...
But it's fucking Jimmy Carter,
like the worst president we've ever had.
Maybe that's to make us...
besides Joe Biden, and maybe that's why
they made this year's
ornament, Jimmy Carter,
was to show you in contrast
that maybe Biden was his...
Right. That's weird, isn't it?
And you're woofers. What would you do if you were president
in the United States?
I would...
If you had your own ornament,
you'd have an ornament, right?
Mm-hmm.
There'd probably be two Oozies
with a lot of pop.
With two cross Oozies and a pug.
And a feeling pot.
No, wait, wait, wait.
In the ditty van, going peace out the window.
No, wait, wait, wait.
In the ditty van, going peace out the window.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, man. What would you do if you were the president?
Kiddo?
I'm 75.
Yeah, but what would you do if you were the president?
I would kill.
You would kill? I mean, jeez, man.
No, boy, you're totally shit.
I said, don't call me kiddo.
Whatever, senior woofer.
It's not to me, I am.
What would you do if you were president?
What I would do if I was president,
I would give
every dog
their journey to smoke drugs.
Yeah, man.
So that's your whole platform
as dogs can get high?
They don't have thumbs.
We feed the dog.
Peta.
I'm a griffin.
So, okay, so you let
dogs do drugs, okay?
That's your first thing. What's your second thing?
My second thing?
I want five things of your platform.
Not to
probably one thing.
Number two?
Try, no, not to
get rifted.
I say
I would
take down
the state closest to
to Mexico.
State, well, there's a bunch of them
that's over in Mexico.
Texas, Arizona, New Mexico.
California.
And I tell them to run, make a bigger border.
Make a bigger border?
Okay, so you would combine all these
states and make one state to make a big
border? Yep. Okay.
I like that.
What would you do to the border wall?
I would man it with pugs.
With machine guns?
Pugs are our best weapon.
Yeah, I see.
But I mean, so are the
pugs loyal to Mexico
or would they fight for the United States?
Uh,
fight for the United States.
I mean, they're contract killers, right? So you just give them
money. They're all mercenaries.
They're about every
pugs worth. What about the chihuahua's
on the cartels
on lease on the chihuahuas?
Those are little bastards.
We have to lock them up when we give them pot.
Who the chihuahua's?
So we set them up.
We give them a little weed and then we lock them up.
I like this idea.
They're too crazy. They kill us.
Yeah, I mean, if that isn't a metaphor, let me tell you.
That is the greatest metaphor.
They're like aliens. Yeah, I mean,
illegal aliens. Yeah, illegal aliens.
Yeah, I mean,
call a spade a spade.
Antiron and his other friends
and do that work for you.
Who's it?
Also, also the leader of the pugs.
Yeah. Which is name?
Uh,
Le Pug Le Hitler.
Le Pug Le Hitler?
Did you just say that?
Larry.
The Pug the Hitler.
That is this guy's name.
Oh my god.
I mean, that is a t-shirt right there.
That is the best t-shirt I've ever seen.
He's like this pug.
Has a mustache.
Has the German tattoo on his tongue.
Swastika.
It's called a swastika.
And he wears an armband.
So he has a little mustache.
I mean, dude, I mean, how does this kid
not fit into this pie?
Anybody I've ever met.
He's 10 years old and he's a regular.
75.
I don't know what that was.
He was going to be able to grow a mustache.
Don't ask me that.
Yeah, exactly.
I was just going to say, listen to this guy.
Actually, wait, I know how.
How was that?
They have so much pot that they have.
Oh, he grows a mustache.
I was going to say that he's on steroids.
Nice.
He's on pug steroids.
I think we have a Tyrone pug.
Oh, you have a Tyrone pug also?
And a Jamal pug.
They have an extra bone in their foot.
Oh, my God.
They have 206 bones.
Oh, my God.
They have 206.
207, Riley.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm missing your woofers.
I'm so sorry.
208.
I tried to hold it together.
208.
I'm missing your woofers.
208.
I tried to hold it together.
208.
Because they're weird.
Oh, Jesus.
They must be fast runners.
What's going to be them?
What do you think they call them?
Boner.
All right. I think we're at the end, Barry.
I think we're done.
Okay. Thank you for being here today, senior woofers.
Thank you.
Thank you, dad.
We got to say thank you to Tom's Free Clinic Automotive
and Veterinarian Services
and for taking care of
Fat Joe.
And all his sexually transmitted
diseases from sharing
sharing pipes with the other pugs.
Oh, God.
They got pug herpes.
Absolutely.
Oh, man.
You think they'll be okay?
I know.
They're going to be killing each other one day.
Oh, my God.
I don't even know how to do a top.
All right. Thank you for tuning in.
I mean, baby!
Special episode with Nilo Sund.
It's been a while. Like, follow, subscribe,
and thank you for listening.
Subscribe for a senior. Subscribe for another pug.
One pug
and two to the crew.
Subscribe!
Holy shit.
Peace. Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Let me see you.