Time to get ready for Larry Needle Show.
Larry and Needles and Kiki.
He did it.
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't even do anything.
I mean, the most fucking pollack we know right next to us right now.
Double bubble baby.
Kiki's uh...
I mean, are these gonna last the whole episode maybe?
He's gonna be flipping around like a fish on the ground.
Well, he better hold on though when he gets slapped.
You're gonna get one right to the fucking chops if you drop one at him.
You can't, Tony.
I've never, I've never.
Okay, how are you gonna drink?
He just fucking got that thing though.
You can't slap him.
Yeah, but how's he gonna drink?
Yeah, you're gonna have to give it to him, Larry.
Dude, if these things last an hour, I'm gonna win the next lotto.
I don't know about that.
He's gonna kill more brains.
Yeah.
If I put this gas into my mouth and try to deprive myself of oxygen, I'm gonna win the lotto.
That's all right.
Yeah, there's a lotto in the old chair.
Yeah, yeah.
That's my lotto.
Sucking on them titties, dude.
Shit, do we...
The Canadian teacher.
Kiki, the Canadian teacher.
Mmm, the nitrous reacher.
Seriously, look, Canadian teacher.
I mean...
She was just fucking playing everybody.
Yeah, he was.
Good for him.
He got famous off of it, but then people found out he looked like Tim Dillon.
You know what that is?
No.
He looked just like him.
Dude, I love Tim Dillon.
He's okay.
I can't even hold my fucking lighters.
And you know that's a bullshit okay.
You gotta give me one back.
Just because you're on nitrous, you wanna fight now.
You see my friend in his IDF shirt over there?
I will sick him on you.
Look at him.
No, Tim Dillon...
He was worse at...
Well, exactly.
He got big, he's making money.
He still a gay fat dude.
Funny as fuck.
I mean, you can say whatever you want.
You should put the fucking Fezz of Truth on right now.
This is what we should do.
Tim, hit me up when you're in Tony.
Man, do I want to give you the Fezz of Truth right now.
Should we put the Fezz of Truth on him?
Hey, good luck if that thing was sick.
My dad put the Fezz on yesterday.
He's gotta do the Fezz of Truth.
My dad was down here with me and Robert and he put the Fezz on.
Yeah, well now he's gotta come do the bit.
We should do the Fezz of Truth on Nitro.
Where's my lighter, man?
That thing wouldn't fit my fat.
Dude, I gave you both of them.
I'm gonna get Monkey that does the grinder and shit.
Dude, how about Trunk Monkey?
The Argyr grinder?
Did I send that to you?
What's a Trunk Monkey?
Dude, if you're driving around and someone fucks with you,
like some guy fucking fucking with you,
you hit your button to Trunk Monkey
and Monkey comes out with a crowbar
and smacks the guy.
Or if you got little kids fucking with you,
if you got a couple black guys.
Little kids fucking with you.
Yeah, the Trunk Monkey.
They were Samurai Edition too.
In the Samurai Edition, he hit the customer.
Where do you get that?
It's fictitious, man.
Yeah, I don't know about that.
Dude, you're high on nitrous.
I wanna get a Trunk Monkey.
Anything you say is credible.
Nah, dude. Trunk Monkey is fucking as real as it gets.
Okay, where are you gonna get a Monkey?
And get a license and train it.
Wait, wait, wait. Have you ever seen these videos
in Asia of the monkeys like stealing little kids?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or the monkeys ditching a cycle until little kid is excited?
That's all right.
They're stealing.
They steal little kids. Do you see the wonderland?
Yeah, you wanna sip of a drink? Larry,
give them a sip of a drink, please.
Where's the drink?
Here you go.
No, did you see the last one?
He's parched.
He's been walking through the nitrous desert for three days.
No, he went.
Well, thank you, Larry, son.
You're welcome.
Did you see the video? You're welcome.
The monkeys are one of those mini ninjas
and all of a sudden he ditches it the last second.
So the mini ninja takes out a little kid.
Oh, yeah, we saw him.
And the monkey points at him.
Like, yeah.
I tell you, videos from third world countries are amazing.
I mean, mind us all, the murders, shit.
I do like to watch when the people get...
they try to rob people.
I always keep going for any monkey riding
a little motorbike anytime, anywhere.
What's that?
A little monkey on a motorbike is always great.
Oh, no, this monkey is coming full blast
at like 20 miles an hour.
And he ditches the bike out and takes the kid out
and then he like points at him.
That was hilarious.
Yeah, seriously.
I like to...
I like you later.
Yeah, except T.A. Young.
He was going for vengeance, dude.
That kid must have like poked his finger at his butters.
Yeah, he was fucking weird.
Dude, you know what? The best videos I like
from third world countries are like the random
tire coming out of nowhere.
Oh, yeah.
Taking people out.
Like all of a sudden a tire is coming from
some highway down the road.
A motorbike.
Just take somebody out.
Oh, that's fantastic.
That sounds great.
I wish I could have been there.
Where? With the monkey?
Yeah, or seeing someone getting taken out by the tire.
Dude, that monkey would be awesome.
I was going to go to any third world country.
Huh?
I like any third world country.
Why is that?
Some of the best times of my life I ever had
was in third world.
I was like, I'm not going that way.
I'm going to do this.
No, you can't. Here's 50 bucks.
Okay, go ahead.
Here's 10 bucks.
Smoking and bars.
You do whatever you want.
Smoking and bars.
That's the craziest you're talking about.
Well, no, I'm just saying.
I'm just saying.
I'm saying the 60s aspect of it.
No, I get what you're saying.
None of that shit flies like it is here.
It's just a chain.
It was fucking $7.
The drugs are easy to accessible.
Dude, listen to what I say.
People don't realize this country...
It wasn't a tropical paradise.
It was a paradise.
Any of those places, Mexico, South America,
fucking...
Yeah, Costa Rica.
I'll tell you what, I was in Thailand 25 years ago.
I wish I purchased land.
I wish I didn't get caught with that underage girl.
Fuck.
No.
Well, I actually, I tried...
From what I checked...
It was two underage girls.
You had to be...
You had to purchase the land with a 51%
Thai owner, but that's changed.
The rules have changed.
You have to find someone to
sign it with you on a fucking ice.
I have old girlfriends.
And he needs an older than 70s.
And they're men.
I know a couple lady boys.
That's alright.
They have nice boobs.
Don't tell me the...
The way the pornography is going right now,
like...
Is there a lot of he-she shit going on?
Well, you watch a lot of porn, I'm asking you.
I don't watch a lot of porn, actually.
I do a lot of Reddit lately.
Oh.
I watch a lot of porn.
I watch a lot of porn, actually.
I do a lot of Reddit lately.
Reddit and cams, but cams bore me lately.
So here's the thing.
What?
The porn has to be going crazy with
fucking trannies, right?
Like chicks with people...
Dudes with dicks and tits.
It's probably always been going crazy on that shit.
But I mean now, at this day and age,
it's gotta be...
It's been shoved in your face.
You know?
You don't have to dig as deep.
It's just mixed in.
Yeah, now it's just...
So you're watching porn and it's straight porn
or whatever, and then the next thing,
all of a sudden, you're watching fucking gay shit.
I mean, it's four in the morning,
and I'm on like 36 high-lifes.
Yeah.
You know?
At that time, anything's free game.
You throw a dog at me.
What the hell's this?
Wait a minute.
Two seconds ago, you didn't watch porn, then.
You were a really curious customer
at that point in time.
What the hell's this guy about to do?
He's like, pretty curious George.
I'll tell you what.
Where's this gonna go?
How did they get that animal in the room?
You want to watch...
Dude, Brazilian shit.
They got some weird fucking shit down there.
Listen, they got some hot chicks.
They're just talking about...
Oh, my lord.
Yeah, they do, but we were just talking about the...
They were all fucking beautiful.
The United States is like the most gluttonous country.
We also produce the most child porn.
Ew.
All right, let's get off this top.
Really? Why do you always go there?
What do you mean, why do I always go there?
Why? What do you mean, what do I mean?
What do I mean, am I speaking Chinese?
We just...
Yeah.
The enemy of the state over there.
So, I was, you know, one of these forums.
I remember...
Oh, boy.
I know. I mean, you can't even finish those words, man.
I mean, what goes on in our mind?
Oh, shit.
Well, listen...
Eddie Sniffer-Buttwiffer?
So, you've been on my site.
You've been on my site.
Dude, that's actually a great name.
Eddie Sniffer-Buttwiffer.
I gotta write that down.
We should write that down.
So, don't forget, that's the name.
Yeah, that's gross.
Oh, that's gross.
I've heard of a guy who's been doing nitrous.
Yeah.
15 minutes.
I know my shit.
Hey.
I'm on top of my game right now.
That's great.
Dude, going back in Brazil, like early 2000s.
I got called by the...
A guy told me, oh, what did he say?
The forums, because I was talking about, like, the bars.
Like, the bars on the beach.
Where are you on?
I forget what forum.
You were talking about bars on the beach in Brazil.
But I was saying, it was sweet.
Sweet told me about the forum.
He was talking about brothels with people.
And some kid comes on.
And he's like, oh, man, it's like the medieval times.
When they actually had the help.
Because help was like, you know, it was like a...
It was a...
It was a bar where men couldn't find nice women.
Oh, it was a whorehouse.
I mean, what the...
Why are you pantyhosing around that?
Well, no, but it was...
I mean, I'm sorry.
This is a very old show.
I'm just gonna get excited.
In case my mom watches this...
Shout out to them.
They were...
They were just getting rented out.
Well, no, the great thing about this is like...
This is on Copacabana beach.
Right next to the Copacabana hotel.
I mean, come on.
It was a place called...
Yeah, Help Bar.
Oh, dude.
I got another story about that place.
I rented a...
Place in Ipanema right on the beach.
And we were trying to cut through from the beach
as we were walking.
And we had some locals.
And they told us, oh, go this way and this way.
And they started laughing to each other.
And we didn't get while they were laughing
until we started walking through the cut-through.
And all of a sudden we're walking through.
I'm like, why does it smell like shit?
And all of a sudden we walked up on
a couple of people
having some extra curricular...
Yeah, man.
I don't know what you're talking about.
It was the area.
They were two dudes.
Yeah, and one thing is it smelled like shit.
It didn't smell like pussy.
I thought he walked through sewage.
Yeah.
We basically...
We basically did.
We were like, oh, man.
And we were like, this guy's carrying around
something in him, man.
It was bad.
It's a world disease.
And then he's going to look at it for nooks.
Well, it wasn't on purpose.
But when you're following a trail and it leads to ass...
I was just in another guy with an n-force.
The gay forest.
Wait, what?
This was the gay mangrove.
They know this.
The gay forest, for sure.
It's the forest, though, right?
What was on the beach? It was a mangrove.
Oh.
A mangrove.
This was a mangrove.
What'd you say improperly?
Oh, my God.
They wasn't the sewage.
Yeah, especially when we walked...
It was all man-ass-ramming.
It was all man-love going on.
It was man-logs all over the place.
But, yeah, all of us were like...
But we all walked up to it.
Oh, all of us were like, oh, Christ.
Everyone around glass tables.
Oh, man.
Yeah, that's the one thing I'll never get about being gay.
You can just do it wherever you want.
That's fine, hey.
Those guys are free.
Just to smell a shit.
You gotta prepare for that.
You can't just drop a deuce and then go do it on the beach.
Yeah, well, what do you wear? Nose plugs or something?
I think you're so hopped up in Fetamine,
you don't know what's going on.
Man-love self-reduce.
They said stuff they sniff the...
Emel nitrate.
Amel nitrate.
He said, amel.
He's like, yep.
Sounds good to me.
Makes sense.
Emel nitrate.
Amel nitrate.
Poppers.
You know what I'm about to say.
We should do some on the show.
Well, that's how Fauci spread around AIDS
the first time was through the drugs
that the fags did.
Well, because of what was their immune system.
And then they said, oh, all the ass fucking.
That's why you're all getting sick.
But what about all that ass fucking...
But I've been watching The Bath House to make sure.
That's been going on for 100 fucking thousand years.
What has?
I'm saying, they're like, oh, it's from the anal sex.
But what about all the ass sex that's been going on?
Yeah, they've been doing it for a long time.
Fucking 8000 years.
It's bullshit. He's spread it through the drugs
that he knew the gays like to fucking get high on.
Yeah, because he would go to The Bath House
and watch them.
Fauci was part of it.
He just made sure he didn't partake in the drugs.
Yeah, he was watching this.
He just tested drugs on these people.
They weren't even shown to do anything.
But he gave them the AIDS in the first place, man.
Okay.
Well, he gave it to one...
I don't know, listen.
Another mystery of human...
No, and then these guys are probably sitting around
sucking nitrous like, let's just say it was done by a monkey.
And then it kind of hit them.
Someone that sucks with a monkey.
Well, I mean, isn't that a great story?
Someone that sucks with a monkey.
Who is this person?
I don't think it was this monkey.
But think about it. Everybody told that story.
How strong could you be to fuck a monkey?
Everybody, yeah.
You want to find out?
You get your balls ripped off.
Yeah, monkeys.
Jungle monkeys.
Unless they drank it and the dude just was that horned up
that he had to have sex with it.
Well, some of these guys in Africa are pretty strong.
I don't know.
We'll take a couple of guys.
We'll take a couple of them.
Can you elaborate on that statement?
He's jungle monkeys.
I know, you got to watch out for them.
Yes, they are very strong.
But here's the thing, man.
It would take a couple of your friends
to hold down the monkey
would take at least
one guy on each side
holding his arms and legs.
Toe in the line, oh, Jesus.
This is a comedic special.
Toe in the line.
So, you know, you imagine
there's got to be at least three people involved
having sex with a monkey.
Two holding them down.
If they drank it.
That's no fun.
What the hell, Larry?
What are you talking about?
What do you mean that's no fun?
Is that what you do on dates?
You drink people?
You like to drink a monkey?
Is that how you do it?
You drink them?
No.
I don't know if you're insinuating right now
that I'm a rapist or something.
Let's get back to the subject here.
Fauci was a dirt bag.
Oh, you think?
He was a kid.
He was a great age.
Decades.
We joke about the other stuff.
Decades deep lies.
Decades deep of killing people.
He's got more bodies out of him than a Kevorkian does.
Dude, he's got more bodies than Hitler.
Honestly, he's probably close.
Yeah, he does.
He and Bill Gates are just up there.
They should be kissing before they get
tired and feathered and shot in a canon.
What up?
Have you guys heard, I don't know if we talked about that.
The Weinstein,
Tucker Carlson,
Yeah.
Brett Weinstein?
No, we're not talking about the other one.
Not the pervert from Hollywood.
Weinstein.
Oh, shit.
Talking about how...
They estimated 17 million people
that have died from the
the jab.
Yeah, be they tread on light water.
Yeah, I know, I'm just saying 17 million.
That's...
And that's low numbers.
Hitler wishes he had those numbers.
Alright, then there we go, Larry.
That's all I'm saying.
He's catching up to Mao.
Yeah.
Listen, we're talking
Hiroshima numbers here.
Yeah, it's more than that.
Excuse me.
Hiroshima's a fucking drop in the
atomic bucket.
My fault, my bad. I meant to say something
different, but...
Hey, speaking of...
No, I'm sorry.
Speaking of Hiroshima...
We haven't done the Fortune Cookie 500 in a while.
Yeah, man.
This is Chinese, but
now we're talking about Japan.
Neil deGrasse Tyson talking about...
That guy's a fraud. He's a fake.
I can't stand him, but
I have to look...
You're a American, you don't like him?
You're a racist.
What did he say?
Well, no, him talking about now, like atomic weapons.
Everybody is worried
about the blowback, the
radiation of how it just carries
everywhere.
What's not only country that has used nuclear weapons?
On people?
Yes.
America.
And testament our own soil.
And then ruin the aquifers
in their bullshit.
But certain atomic weapons
have no blowback.
I don't know if it's...
Here we go, Kiki Story.
Yeah, Kiki Story.
You may want to
you may want to affect
it. Probably should.
From guys to ballooners.
I don't know if it's certain that the way it's
fission or how it creates
the atomic blast itself.
Some of it will have the radiation
that destroys everything forever.
But then some of them don't have any
evaporates. No, it just
doesn't have any blowback.
I don't understand how that works then.
I just remember
Neil deGrasse Tyson, he's the man.
He's a lying fucking.
Don't ever say that again on the show.
He's a big space boy.
We should look this up at what he said though.
He's a space show.
He does spit some facts though.
But he's also
a bull. He's a bullshit artist.
Well, he's an entertainer.
Plus he says whatever they tell him to say.
I don't know about that.
I think he's indoctrinated.
Well, this could be another thing.
Neil deGrasse Tyson is too much of a pussy
to have a fucking one on one
with Hibbler about Flat Earth.
Okay. I mean, I don't know about that.
If he's supposed to be so fucking smart.
I'm not. Ask Hibbler.
Ask Hibbler.
I think the reason why he wouldn't do it
is like, oh, that's so just
I won't even touch that because it's bullshit.
That's because he has no fucking facts
because he's a liar.
He knows nothing about science.
And the same reason he could be saying this too
is to let people be like, well, let them think
there's no blowback. They'll be outside
and get the blowback and be good.
I want to hear something funny.
I told Mr. X today that Epstein was behind the ice wall
hanging out with Biggie and Tupac
and he was not happy with it.
He was not happy with that.
What the fuck?
That is funny.
He's like, oh, no, he's living in Israel
under a massage cover.
I'm like, why is that?
It doesn't make any sense.
That's the ice behind the ice wall
with Tupac and Biggie.
Give me my lighter back, Jack.
Nice throw.
Oh, boy.
Aren't you going to ask Kiki about his ears?
What?
I'm not going to ask you.
What?
South Crow Fields?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, he still doesn't shave.
He's trying to hide him with a hat.
What kind of woman wants you?
Dude, they love that shit.
No, they don't love it.
We may love your hair.
When you were getting your nose done,
they couldn't scrape out your ears a little.
They shut up.
See, I got to take notes and tell the doctors,
hey, what do you think about getting your hair cut?
I'm going to get a haircut next.
Ask the lady to clean your ears out.
That's it, dude.
Now do you say something?
Yeah, you can see the hair.
Now I can actually physically hear it.
Now I can see them.
I can hear the fuzz.
It's like...
The fuzz is talking.
You're messing with the speaker.
Yeah.
You're here so thick.
Seriously, you can't look and see it.
I can see it every time I've said about it,
like nine episodes.
I can't see any.
I still haven't done it.
Of course I can't see.
No, it's not.
I mean, this fucking guy...
Maybe we'll get a shaver and shave it on the air.
That's a good idea.
No, we're not going to do that in the base.
She's knocking on the way in.
See, it's got to be blonde.
That's right, because I can't see it.
No, it's gray shit.
I'm only 23.
Damn.
It's terrible for your age.
And dog ears, yeah.
Really bottomed out there.
Yeah, so...
So what?
Now you know.
Oh, yeah.
Now what?
So what were you talking about before this shit happened?
I don't know, man. I really just fucking...
I forgot what you were talking about.
Yeah, my balloons ran out.
I'm not gonna top my game anymore.
We're talking about the death monkey
and the trunk monkey.
Trunk monkey.
No, we're fine with that, though.
That's what I want to get, though.
You want to get a trunk monkey?
Yeah, that's good.
You could probably go there and get a monkey right now
for nothing, practically.
Next to nothing.
Honestly, I think the majority of Japan
and Asia has trunk monkeys.
That is fucking...
That's just a bold statement to make, but okay.
I'll go with that, right?
I believe it.
Dude, all the videos of monkeys doing shit,
why not be in the trunk?
With like a crowbar or a...
Here we go.
Yeah, it's already there.
Guess the race of the case. You ready?
Yeah.
I took a minute. I apologize.
Hooker?
We didn't do this last time either.
Hooker allegedly
streamed mom's murder
on Facebook live.
Jesus.
This is a statement from the cops.
I'll read that one more time because
a little buzzed.
Hooker, I like how they call her Hooker.
Hooker allegedly streamed mom's
murder on Facebook live.
It's a white check.
A Hooker streamed
her mother's alleged murder Monday
on Facebook live.
It's a white check with a black boyfriend.
Man, that's almost too...
Come on, man.
Very difficult, isn't it?
Well, no, but doesn't say.
Mine fits the bill too much.
It's got to be something different.
That's good, though. I mean, shit.
That makes a lot of sense.
It makes you guys think that's why I play these games with you.
Look at how stumped you are.
I went out with this
Hispanic chick.
I love how you talk it off to me.
So, wait, is this from America?
Yes.
I went out with this Hispanic chick
and the older sister used to beat up the mom
all the time, so maybe she
could have been Hispanic.
Yeah.
Hooker
allegedly streamed mom's murder on Facebook live.
Cops.
Damn.
I know I love this.
Man,
I have to...
I'm going to go with Hispanic.
Ki?
The white chick.
Larry's right.
He's always right.
I love how he talked it off.
Yeah.
I dated a chick.
The sister was crazy.
She used to stab me.
The same sister
stabbed my girlfriend with a sister.
Oh, no.
The sister broke
my girlfriend's nose
and tried pushing it out.
That was a completely different story.
Then my girlfriend stabbed her sister
with a scissor.
What's her name?
So, Larry's got one.
So, Larry was here.
Yeah, that was Larry's life story.
Larry's good.
I think I knew those girls.
He's got experience.
I dated a crazy girl like this.
And she came to this.
The best.
Good for you.
Hi.
She was crazy.
I think that might have been the one that burnt my car down to the ground.
We talked about this before.
But we talked about this before.
My girlfriend's carrying house.
And he went on vacation.
You went on vacation?
Yeah, on vacation.
Classic.
Ha ha ha.
That was good.
Ah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
How many you got?
In the Diamond District.
We did talk about...
Oh, shit. Well, I wanted to do this for Donnie and Forth.
Oh, did we do the...
Man, I love this one.
This is funny.
Chinggat.
Come on.
All right.
Yeah, I need to talk.
We're waiting for the race to race again.
I need to go against the first thought that comes to my head.
I got to go against it because it's always wrong.
That's not how it always is.
Because sometimes, you know, you're having a test.
I've got a couple of them.
And they always say the first thing you thought of is probably right.
Hey, do we do this?
Biden administration spends taxpayer dollars on ballroom dancing programs
to uplift transgender youth in Peru.
Oh, White Trash put the race to the case.
But did we do it?
Joe Biden, White Trash.
Yeah.
What?
The case, White Trash, Joe Biden.
Okay.
That can't be real, is it?
What, the story I'm reading?
Yeah, I mean, how much...
Decision, I'm not making this one up.
How much money was spent?
It was like, I think, like $100,000 maybe.
For the Peruvians to learn ballet?
Yeah.
But it's just...
Transgender Peruvians.
There's probably, what, three of them?
Four of them.
They need partners.
Yeah, one.
You can't do three.
There's one short.
It's not like doing crab macaws.
So they had to pay $100,000 to the people that would dance with them.
That's probably how it worked.
Like I said, I really...
They don't deal with that shit down there.
No.
They just push you on a fucking train track to call it a day.
Yeah, they don't know what transgender is down there.
They watch American shit and then they get inundated with that also.
Huh.
And they're like, oh, my gosh.
Sometimes I feel like a man,
but I'm a lady or whatever.
I'm more than just a form of man and I feel like a lady.
Kill, God, and take me away.
Yeah.
What the hell is that?
Remember those old commercials?
Yes, they do remember that.
But come on, you were white broad and a tub with a perm.
Yeah.
Sometimes I feel like one.
And sometimes you look like one.
You're a white...
The hell are you doing over there?
There's no one.
I'm gonna blow my nose.
I'm on a real tight shit.
Yeah, real fucking shabby operation here.
You guys are fucking idiots.
Aw, man.
You just come out on a tap.
No, you're not.
If this microphone wasn't in the middle,
it must have kicked you in the throat, Larry.
He's cool.
Who is?
Piggy.
Oh, well, good. I'll kick him in the throat too.
Yeah.
That's all right, though.
I got my fighting knives.
They're just
butter knife and a steak knife.
Yeah.
He's like, all right, who's got food?
The fat girl's here.
That'd be your superhero name.
The fighting knife.
Fat girl.
Yeah.
Big F.
FG.
We're like food stains on my shirt.
It's a white uniform
with lots of fucking spaghetti stains.
Oh, my God. It's white beige.
It's like skin tone.
Is that guy naked?
Oh.
Yeah.
No, those are just ketchup stains.
Is he bleeding?
No, that's just ketchup.
Fat girl's impervious.
What?
Fat girl's impervious.
He can't be bleeding.
Like Superman.
Oh, look.
He can't fucking get hurt.
Yeah.
By fat girls?
Maybe.
Maybe that could do it.
He can cure diabetes.
That's his power.
Yeah.
Kryptonite is like skinny chicks or something.
Get away.
Oh, Lord.
There's a little more race to...
No more race.
Race, race, race.
Oh, shit, man.
My bad. I forgot.
Think, McFly.
Think.
So, yeah, man.
I don't have any more. Shoot.
February 10th.
We'll be at the
Chicago Loop in stream with Illinois.
If you're gonna want to show up
and tell them at the door you're there
to see Spirit of 77.
It's a fucking really kickass...
Put that out on the internet.
Kickass band.
If they want to murder you, you know where to get them.
It wasn't a Chicago Loop.
I've never been to a Chicago Loop.
It's been there a while, man.
It's like...
It's right up front.
Without her being taken...
Let's not just tell everybody where it's at.
If they want to...
We're gonna give the rear fucking ways now to Kiki.
He's totally gonna explain the route.
It's one street, man.
It's a bit of a roadway down Barlett, man.
Is it older than 20 years old?
Something like that.
Maybe 20 years old.
I lived in stream.
20 years ago, I played there.
Really?
Yeah.
The guy that fucking runs the...
The guy that runs the...
The guy that runs the joint.
Fucking...
He yelled at our band for playing cards.
We were killing some time.
We did our soundcheck.
We were wasting time.
Fucking...
You guys can't play.
You can't gamble here.
I'm like, dude, we're just playing cards.
We don't have any money at all.
We're the band.
Yeah.
And he's like, you can't play cards here.
And he got all fucking crazy with us.
And then Dave said he was kind of being a cheuce
when he booked our band.
He's like, no fucking mosh pits.
And no stage dive.
And he got all crazy with us.
And it's like, oh, jeez, what the fuck, dude?
Well, we can't control mosh pits.
That's what I said.
It's like, not up to us if the fucking mosh pit goes.
Yeah, right?
You know, here's the other thing.
It's all...
Everybody's gonna be fucking old.
It's old, suburban, fucking...
It's gonna be my friends.
And, you know, the youngest people...
We're not moshing.
The youngest guys in the band are fucking...
The one kid that's the youngest guy in the band
is his 30th birthday.
So nobody's gonna be fucking...
Stage diving.
It's not like a bunch of fucking 15-year-old kids
killing each other.
You guys already have one bad hip.
You don't need another one.
I can barely make it on stage, all right?
Yeah, okay.
He's like, who wants to rob my hip?
That's a bunch of bullshit.
Yeah, I know.
Just waving your wiener around at everyone.
That's backstage.
I was talking about the school parking lot.
Yeah, I know.
What are you doing?
Oh, Lordy.
The middle school.
Oh, man.
That makes it more palatable.
The middle school.
I was in kindergarten.
When I was in middle school...
Oh, here we go.
Man.
I had a great time.
Please, I hope the statue of limitations
that I offer on this store.
Hey, you could fuck middle school chicks
if you're in middle school.
It's okay.
It's not a weird one.
It's kind of weird when an old man says that.
Yeah.
That's supposed to be weird.
You can't wipe my memory clean, man.
I would hope not to, jeez, man,
because we get all these great stories of you on YouTube.
Talking about weird sex stuff you did.
You're middle school.
Middle school.
Children.
Yeah, when I was in middle school, shit.
Yeah, I was in middle school.
I don't like to tell any stories.
This guy's an open book over here.
Shit, man.
What's the difference?
I'm not looking to be the president
or fucking anything like that.
Oh, that's the funniest thing I heard tonight.
And even if I'm not, it wouldn't matter.
I mean, look what goes on now.
They'd say you're too clean to be the president.
You're not even the president of this house.
Well, honestly, you're not even the VP.
I guarantee you the president, like Clinton,
dude, he's got great stories he ain't shown.
You're a great president.
He's got great stories he ain't shown.
First of all, he's a child rapist.
Yeah.
Second of all, he's never going to be brought to justice.
But just saying.
Third of all, there's evidence of this.
Which I didn't even say...
I'm not even going to say third.
I'm not even going to say first.
He likes to use women as a humidor.
Humidor.
Cigars, get it?
You're a humorous fucking idiot.
Whatever, I understand.
This guy, Huma Dean.
What's her name?
Amidine or Clinton's...
No.
Frezzledrip, bitch.
Hillary.
What's her, her personal assistant or whatever?
Amidine, Master Dean or something like that.
She was the husband.
Anthony Weiner's wife.
Frezzledrip, dude.
When they cut off the girl's face and put it out.
No, no, no, that's speculative.
That's speculatory, but...
That's what I like to believe.
What?
You just like to yell stuff out at the same time.
There's no factual evidence behind it.
We all know that.
Hillary couldn't have known the pizza shop.
But it was in Maine.
She made damn good pizzas.
Yeah.
But there were children in the basement.
And they couldn't care.
And they were in cages.
Waiting to get fucked, probably.
Or eaten or whatever she does at witch.
I don't know.
You guys are gonna see the painting.
Somewhere outside of LA.
Gavin Newsom.
As a reptilian.
With the face mask.
Human skin being pulled out of the face.
It's a painting?
No, it's a graffiti.
Hey, you guys know the graffiti artist
with the horns and the tattoo.
All over his head.
Fuck, man.
I can't remember his name.
I love it.
Tell stories without any...
Are you key physically?
There's like horns put into his head.
Well, they're like fucking like red horns.
Impressive ways.
Yeah, they do like...
What's that shit called?
I've seen this cat on social.
Body modification.
Scarification.
Well, no, that's completely different.
That's what it is. No, what do you think tattoos are, man?
It's scarification.
Those are not...
That's not wanting a job.
Cutter girl.
I think well, cutter girl when you say scarification.
That should be your next album.
Scarification.
That's a good idea.
Scarification of the children?
No.
Did you ever see those?
Do you think that'll sell?
Probably.
It doesn't matter. I don't sell now anyway.
So, fuck, man.
I'm trying to...
Now, you know what, here's the thing.
I don't want to sell because...
It's a fucking...
That's so out of bullshit.
And then you start to worry about, oh man, they like that.
I want to make another thing that sounds like that.
I'd rather just keep doing what I'm doing and do anything
what I like to do.
Larry Epstein over here.
I don't make any...
No one's going to stop me.
Yeah.
I'm going to just keep on doing what I'm doing.
That's right.
Keep on truckin', baby.
Gotta keep on truckin'.
You hear that guitar ring?
Oh, is that the cymbal?
Look at that note.
Let's do fortune cookies.
I was just going to say we haven't...
Yeah.
Very...
Very honorable time.
Nice one.
Wow, let it ring. You can do it again.
One more time, yeah.
Man, I love it. He doesn't know where he's at.
No, I do know where he's at.
I'm excited because this is a good one.
Oh, really?
That's a very honorable time of day.
Fortune cookie 500. Hit the gong.
One more time.
One more time, man.
Fortune cookie 500.
With the Rary Jones.
This is very honorable fortune.
Very fortunate fortune.
You are very fortunate to get this fortune.
Okay.
I thought that's what it was.
It was pretty cool.
It was a good song.
I just came out.
I'm feeling up.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness.
Only light can do that.
Man, it sounds like gentrification.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
I mean, doesn't it?
Darkness?
Yeah, that might be Chinese code.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness.
Only light can do that.
I don't know what they're trying to get at.
I just told you what they're trying to get at.
We like this area.
We can take it over.
There's a couple variations of that.
Read it one more time.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness.
Only light can do that.
So kind of like a metaphor maybe for angels and demons?
Would you think?
Yeah, but I think the first one is dark.
Darkness and darkness fighting each other.
Well, you know, it's like you can't put out fire with fire.
You gotta put it out with water.
It's always darkest before dawn.
You can't fucking brighten up a room.
Too wrongs don't make a right.
Too longs don't make a right.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ah, hit the gong.
Ha ha ha ha.
They're very funny.
Very funny joke.
Hey.
Hey, shout out to the audience.
Hey, shout out to
Shout out to Pad Terry.
He's dead.
Listen to this though.
Five nine.
135 pounds.
He was fucking lying about his weight though.
By at least 20 pounds.
So he wasn't at 135?
Not even.
He was the skinniest motherfucker I ever fucking knew in my life.
Besides like,
unless you know, like your grandpa was in a death camp
and fucking Nazi Germany.
Dude, that's how skinny this kid was.
I don't know about that.
I mean, they were fairly thin.
The first night, Mary, okay.
First of all, there is an Auschwitz deny herself.
What?
He does not believe the Holocaust.
I didn't say that.
You totally said that upstairs.
Holy shit, man.
How do we get back on this?
The first night that he moved in here, Mary,
because he needed somewhere to live,
he was a fuck man.
And so I let him move in here.
I knew he would be troubled though,
because I knew he was a bad fucking alcoholic.
And the very first night,
he's like, alright, good night.
And he gets up from the kitchen table,
me and Mary are partying.
He is drinking his ass off.
And he gets up from the chair
and he crawls away.
And Mary starts crying because he is so fucked up.
And I'm like, well shit,
if you're going to cry from that,
this guy gets fucked up.
And but she got used to it.
Let's let this huge alcoholic
live in our house.
And my wife cries too.
And then my mom.
Man, you're just a horrible husband.
Yeah, you can live here.
I think it might have been before we were married.
No, even worse.
But, you know, I asked her,
what a saint.
Well here's the thing, Mary was kind of just
living here with me too.
In her house.
If I'm thinking back now.
These are my friends.
They're going to want to live with us.
Plus I also needed someone to help me pay the rent
too, I can't lie and fucking, you know.
This is before you were a sugar baby.
Yeah.
I mean, these are a free sugar baby.
Free sugar.
This is sweet and low.
That's what I was called.
Sweet and low.
Yeah, boys.
I was like,
I'm going to get married.
Yeah.
You're a whore.
Yeah.
I was a whore.
I had to,
I had to get padding here.
And Mary was just like, Oh my God, this guy is so
fucked up.
And then I'm like I know.
All the time.
and he wanted nothing to do with them.
He'd like,
Like to drink?
Bang him and tell him to get the fuck out.
Like this girl's girls would be in love with him
and then he'd be going out with them for a couple months
and then all of a sudden be like,
get the fuck out of here and kick him out
and like tell him to never call again.
And I would be like, holy shit.
Booze was his lady.
Yeah, he was fucked up man.
Booze was his life.
That's revenge to kill him.
But one time one of his best friends came over to visit
and hang out and even maybe drink with him
and say okay whatever and succumb to the fucking demons.
And Pat fucking made him.
Well that's also copious amounts of alcohol.
Yeah and Pat fucking made him want to drink too.
I want to fucking.
He turned to me and he's like,
dude I don't know how he put up with this fucking guy.
And I was just so wound up in my own thing
that I barely even fucking noticed him
because I was so fucked up.
But yeah.
That's another criminating story by Larry.
Nobody in the local's watching this.
Again, Pat's dead.
I mean I would never say anything like this
about any of my living friends.
So all you guys out there if you're listening.
If you're alive.
If you're still alive.
You know you're still safe with me.
Until you die then I'm gonna fucking say
everything I know about you.
That's what a serial killer says.
It's safe to stay with me.
You're safe with me.
I don't know about that.
Just get in the trunk.
Put these handcuffs on.
Man you gotta ask them to put handcuffs on.
Well no dude.
He's trying to be polite.
He's being funny.
He's probably gonna slap you.
I don't know how to do it.
I'm not a real serial killer like you are.
That's all right.
You have to prepare Larry.
You know my favorite serial killer joke?
Oh you guys are.
You guys are.
Let's hear it.
Let's go.
No the one guy picks up a hitchhiker.
I just told you that one.
No did you?
I think so.
Yeah.
This fucking guy stealing Valor over here.
Yeah well no yeah the hitchhiker gets in the car.
Yeah.
I said this on this show.
It's on here a couple.
Did you?
Yeah.
I think we have to talk about it.
Well I forgot it.
I'll tell you.
You forgot it.
You forgot it?
I forgot it.
No you didn't.
You forgot it.
No you didn't forget it.
Yeah he didn't forget it.
You didn't forget it.
Well no he said yeah hitchhiker gets in the car.
He's like.
Fucking sauce monkey.
Hey how do you know I'm not a hitchhiker.
And then the driver.
Yeah he said.
How do you know I'm not a serial killer.
And then the driver's like well the odds
of two serial killers being in the car at the same time.
Man I mean you.
That's a great.
Assholes.
I swear to God this is what I'm dealing with.
You can quiet over that.
This idiot tells a joke on the hang.
How do you know I'm not a serial killer.
This idiot steals his joke.
And doesn't even tell it.
I didn't steal.
I said it's my favorite joke.
Yes he did.
He did steal it though.
I didn't steal it though.
Predictive programming.
I'm sure.
I didn't make that one up either.
I didn't make it up either.
My uncle told me.
Yeah that's an old joke.
My uncle told me.
I didn't make it up to.
Oh my uncle told me.
That's original.
He might have.
I just came out.
Yeah well you guys are playing tummy sticks.
To me.
Tummy rubs.
Tummy sticks.
Whatever.
Weirdo.
I don't know what you're doing.
You're wrong.
Tummy sticks.
You're doing tummy sticks.
Oh shit.
Just cause Roller does it with his uncle.
Doesn't mean I do.
You guys never played tummy sticks
when you were with your uncle?
Show ya.
Yeah.
What?
Tummy sticks.
What are you talking about?
You've played tummy sticks.
I don't even know what that would mean.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
Look at this guy over here.
He looks like the...
Oh shit was that the monster's fucking
bad uncle.
Yeah he is.
The dirty uncle.
Yes.
He's got a proclivity for the underage.
What?
Why would you say that?
I do not.
Guess what it makes me laugh.
I'm cheeky.
For all you listeners out there.
I can see what it was.
I do not.
An episode of the monsters.
I do not.
Yeah totally.
He's got a gang of 14.
Oh man.
He's got a pocket full of candy.
All together there are 100.
Yeah.
Tummy's use of math out here.
Yeah.
Oh lord.
Oh man.
Oh.
Can't even defend himself.
I'm not gonna defend the lie.
Oh.
That's all right.
What time are we at soccer?
Oh shit.
40 minutes.
54 minutes.
Another 55 minutes.
Dang that one went by quick.
I apologize for coughing in the microphone.
All right.
I'm kind of disappointed we only had one guest to race.
I apologize for that.
It's okay.
Next time we'll be moving.
That's my fault.
But Larry got it.
So he's winning again.
He's a goal.
Hey, I want to say happy birthday to my mom.
Happy birthday, Emory.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, mom.
I love you the best.
You fucking totally rule.
I know you're probably gonna say this.
No, my mom watches.
My mom listens to Larry and Nils.
And it's something.
She tells me to stop calling you gay.
But your birthday is a good day.
Sorry, Emory.
She said, people are gonna think you're really gay.
Why do you guys keep doing that?
I'm like, okay, mom.
Okay, mom.
I'm 58 years old.
I'm not gay.
I'm married.
I'm with a wife.
She still doesn't believe it.
Yeah.
She's like, why are you saying that?
No, she thinks.
People are gonna think you're gay.
She thinks the listeners are gonna think that.
Yeah, I know exactly.
She doesn't think you're totally sat in being with your wife.
And I said, how are we gonna get a bunch of hot guys
to the show when we go do a live gig?
Yeah.
When Larry Nils goes on the road.
Yeah, when we go on the road.
Nils is gonna need something to do.
The chicks are gonna naturally.
Now you push it to me all of a sudden.
The chicks are gonna naturally show up for me.
That's fine.
You can have all the dudes, man.
I mean, there's no shortage, probably.
Fucking, that scarf is gonna attract a lot of them.
This scarf, I don't care what it attracts.
It's a beacon for a homo.
I like it.
You think it's a homo beacon?
I don't think so.
I think it's awesome.
You can.
Okay.
We're gonna thank Russ, God, Jesus.
Oh, before.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you, Jesus.
Alex, my nephew, thanks for what he did.
Thanks, Shorty.
No shirt, Nick.
Jeff.
Hey, where's the lighter?
Noel, Bobby, no filter frame, Kiki, my dad, Groucho.
Hey, big joke, thanks for the light.
Chris, Matt, Russ again, Dave.
Hey, did we say Mr. X, be careful in Thailand?
No, be careful in Thailand, Mr. X.
Yes, we love you and let me tell you.
Watch out for the-
Zodiac.
Zodiac killer?
No, Zodiac mind warp.
These are worse.
Mary, my wife, very nice.
My wife.
Very nice.
Harvey, my cat.
You made me autistic.
You're laying out.
You really did.
It just exudes from him, his autism.
I want to throw an extra name in here tonight
and start adding it forever.
My niece, Noel, I'm there in California.
Be careful, Toots.
Sherry.
She's black.
No.
Jay, you know, that's what you call chicks
in like the 20s of your fucking-
He didn't get it.
Toots.
I get it.
Chrissy, I'm trying to fucking deflect you, idiot.
Becky, Tiffany, Georgie out there in Colorado,
Swarthog, Richie, my cousin, you travel.
Oh man, did he get those rupees we sent him?
He probably did.
Yeah, I hope he's not spitting out horrors in fast cars.
I hope he is.
He's got, he just bought a Maserati.
He wants you to smell his finger.
Good for him.
He always wants you to smell his finger.
Carlo, David.
I like him already.
Starbucks, Camille, old fans, girls.
Wait a minute.
Did you shout out a corporation on our show?
No, no, David at Starbucks.
Oh, say David at Bleep.
David at Bleep.
What the hell, man?
Man, this kid.
It was just a free fucking ad.
I'm sure somebody's gonna be like,
I need to start a box out.
After hearing that.
Exactly.
It's not like anybody doesn't know about it.
It's still a free ad.
Nobody, everybody knows about that place.
All right, let me just say.
We will never bow down to the machine.
We do not condone drinking Starbucks.
No, I wouldn't say that at all.
But we will never advertise on our podcast.
Well, we gotta advertise.
Tom's Free Clinic Automotive and Veterinarian Services.
What?
Tom's Free Clinic Automotive and Veterinarian.
Man, he can't even read his own shit, dude.
Tom's Free Clinic Automotive and Veterinarian Services.
The best place to bring yourself,
your car, and your dog or cat, or whatever animal.
Yeah, it's gonna be a huge cat burnt
and he gets his gun hurt.
He calls Tom Franklin.
All right.
He's on the fly.
That's great.
Love you guys.
The best.
I really do love you guys.
Everybody, man, thanks for tuning in.
You got your pitch, you got a film in your gooch.
Save it for next week, sucker.
I'll let you do the next one.
I'm not gonna remember it.
I'll come up with a new one each time.
If your twat is hurting, you know for a certain,
you go to Tom's Free Clinic.
And you'll be back squirting.
All right, here we go.
Kick you with the fist of the cooch.
Yeah.
Is that how you do it?
Oh, man, I really don't know.
Like this?
Look at his skull gloves and all.
Yeah, the iron fizz.
Be more fisting like that.
Nothing like this.
Look at those hand locks, though.
That white claw can looks so small.
He doesn't.
It really does.
He's like, Polak Popeye.
Yeah.
Did you ever see the family guy episode of Popeye?
It's like, you know, Popeye,
your arms aren't normal.
Those are tumors.
Er, giddie, giddie, giddie.
Oh.
Poor Popeye.
Yep.
Well, have a great day.
He died in kind of.
Have a great day.
Popeye, you just say that.
I didn't know.
Have a great day, Popeye's Dash.
Was it a show?
Yeah, I don't know.
No, that's a problem.
You can always end whatever we want, dude.
Hey, I just want to say how sad I am about Popeye
being diagnosed like this.
He does look like a Polish Popeye.
Didn't realize it was tumors.
It looks like just a doc worker.
Yeah.
That's what he looks like.
A Polak doc worker.
That's basically what I am.
He lives in Brooklyn.
With those hands.
No, I didn't say Brooklyn.
He lives in Warsaw.
Time it booze.
I mean, he's against the Federation,
but those are far right.
That's great.
At night, I make bombs.
I make bombs for what do they call regime?
No, definitely get flagged.
No, man, we don't do that shit here.
I'm just saying if you were back in the day,
Polish fucking doc worker,
and then at night, you had your hobby.
Blokin' bombs from the fucking.
Just blokin' bars.
He's gonna blow the tavern up soon.
Yeah, that's what I treat.
Blokin' it.
Nothing's gonna fucking make it better.
All right, let's end this bitch.
All right, man.
Peace.
Thanks for tuning in.
We appreciate it.
Don't forget, fucking tell your.
Can I have a outro, can you?
Yeah, I'll edit on later.
Tell your life.
Oh, you mean play again?
The Larry Needles out.
Yeah, it's too good.
You got the punk version.
See you the other time.
Oh, yeah, let's do a song for our with.
All right.
Your wife.
She's a whore.
She banged the neighbor.
Left the door open.
What a whore.
She's not beautiful.
She can't get enough.
He's black.
African-American.
She filmed it.
But in unreddit, we all saw.
Guess what now?
She's pregnant.
She's got three more.
Oh, she's a whore.
Oh, that was a catchy tune.
That's real good.
The one you came up with before was fucking amazing though.
Yeah, you're about the fat guy.
All right, man.
Thanks for tuning in.
Peace.