time to get ready for the Larry and Needle show.
Okay, welcome to Larry and Needle show. I'm Larry and today we got a very special
episode for you. I did a stand-up routine last night at this bar called
The Club Shot and a Beer in Elmhurst, Illinois and it was my first time doing stand-up
and I gotta say for my first time I fucking killed it. So here it is, the live performance.
So here's a vision job and my boy Larry gonna do a couple minutes of jokes. Get up for Larry.
Thank you, Charlie. Alright, how are you guys doing man? I didn't fucking did this before as well.
Alright, man my wife was pissed off at me the other night. She was screaming at me. She's like,
what are you doing coming home half drunk like this? I said I ran out of money.
She told me I got a split personality and she doesn't fucking like either one of them.
She's like, what are you doing? You got your wedding ring on the wrong hand. I said I know.
I said you're a fucking woman. Hey man, you guys hear this one about the
veterinarian in the tax service that joins forces? No matter what you're gonna get your animal back.
Seriously though, the only four animals a girl cares about, they want to make on their back,
a jag in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a fucking jackass to pay for all that shit. My wife,
you know, she always wants all these fucking treatments, hair, nails and shit. The other
day she got a muck pat. She fucking looks beautiful and then the shit dried and fell off.
Everything was best for her. She cooked so fucking terribly. Last summer, the flies pitched in and
bought me a new screen door. Excuse me. You know the longest sentence in the world, right? I do.
No, but seriously, on a serious note, it's really rough losing a wife.
A couple months, yeah. Mine is almost fucking impossible to lose.
All right, I know something about sluts too. Every girl I ever went out with was a slut when I
met her or a slut when I was done with her. This one girl I knew, if she had as many pricks
sticking out of her as we're stuck in, if she looked like a fucking porcupine. My wife doesn't
want to fuck me though, I'll tell you. We switched date night, you know, because people never have
time for anything. We switched date night into ring night just to fucking, you know, get it over with.
You know the best part of fucking 29 year olds is, there's 20 of them.
All right. All of a sudden, I crossed the fucking line with you, dirtbags. Fuck you.
This vibe now and shit is fucking killing me, man. I can't make ends meet. I sent my
wife out on the street and I said, honey, you got to start selling your ass so we could fucking
pay the bills. She did pretty good. The first night she came home with $300 and 10 cents.
I'm saying, fuck, that's pretty good. Who gave you 10 cents though? She's like everybody. Why?
Thank you, goodnight.
Oh, you should give it up for fucking Larry right there, ladies and gentlemen.
First time you've stayed up right there.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words. You still holding that ladder down there, son?
All right. Thanks for tuning in everybody and have a great fucking day. This is Larry
telling everybody cheers. Peace.