1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,880 time to get ready for the Larry and Needle show. 2 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:22,000 Okay, welcome to Larry and Needle show. I'm Larry and today we got a very special 3 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:28,640 episode for you. I did a stand-up routine last night at this bar called 4 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:34,960 The Club Shot and a Beer in Elmhurst, Illinois and it was my first time doing stand-up 5 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:43,120 and I gotta say for my first time I fucking killed it. So here it is, the live performance. 6 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:49,440 So here's a vision job and my boy Larry gonna do a couple minutes of jokes. Get up for Larry. 7 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:55,920 Thank you, Charlie. Alright, how are you guys doing man? I didn't fucking did this before as well. 8 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:03,440 Alright, man my wife was pissed off at me the other night. She was screaming at me. She's like, 9 00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:07,760 what are you doing coming home half drunk like this? I said I ran out of money. 10 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:13,680 She told me I got a split personality and she doesn't fucking like either one of them. 11 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:18,160 She's like, what are you doing? You got your wedding ring on the wrong hand. I said I know. 12 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:23,280 I said you're a fucking woman. Hey man, you guys hear this one about the 13 00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:30,640 veterinarian in the tax service that joins forces? No matter what you're gonna get your animal back. 14 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:38,400 Seriously though, the only four animals a girl cares about, they want to make on their back, 15 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:48,640 a jag in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a fucking jackass to pay for all that shit. My wife, 16 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:53,280 you know, she always wants all these fucking treatments, hair, nails and shit. The other 17 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:59,120 day she got a muck pat. She fucking looks beautiful and then the shit dried and fell off. 18 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:08,960 Everything was best for her. She cooked so fucking terribly. Last summer, the flies pitched in and 19 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:16,960 bought me a new screen door. Excuse me. You know the longest sentence in the world, right? I do. 20 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:23,760 No, but seriously, on a serious note, it's really rough losing a wife. 21 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:27,840 A couple months, yeah. Mine is almost fucking impossible to lose. 22 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:40,560 All right, I know something about sluts too. Every girl I ever went out with was a slut when I 23 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:47,040 met her or a slut when I was done with her. This one girl I knew, if she had as many pricks 24 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:55,440 sticking out of her as we're stuck in, if she looked like a fucking porcupine. My wife doesn't 25 00:02:55,440 --> 00:03:02,480 want to fuck me though, I'll tell you. We switched date night, you know, because people never have 26 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:08,880 time for anything. We switched date night into ring night just to fucking, you know, get it over with. 27 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:16,160 You know the best part of fucking 29 year olds is, there's 20 of them. 28 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:27,120 All right. All of a sudden, I crossed the fucking line with you, dirtbags. Fuck you. 29 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:36,960 This vibe now and shit is fucking killing me, man. I can't make ends meet. I sent my 30 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:41,600 wife out on the street and I said, honey, you got to start selling your ass so we could fucking 31 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:48,240 pay the bills. She did pretty good. The first night she came home with $300 and 10 cents. 32 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:54,160 I'm saying, fuck, that's pretty good. Who gave you 10 cents though? She's like everybody. Why? 33 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,000 Thank you, goodnight. 34 00:03:56,000 --> 00:04:06,000 Oh, you should give it up for fucking Larry right there, ladies and gentlemen. 35 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,080 First time you've stayed up right there. 36 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:19,360 I'll never forget my grandfather's last words. You still holding that ladder down there, son? 37 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:24,800 All right. Thanks for tuning in everybody and have a great fucking day. This is Larry 38 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:48,000 telling everybody cheers. Peace.