Time to get ready for the Larry and Needles show.
Larry and Needles.
And...
And Needles.
Larry and Needles.
And...
And Needles.
Show.
Hey, hey, hey.
Welcome to Larry and Needles show. I'm Larry.
And I'm Needles.
I'm sitting down later.
Nice, uh, hump, no, not hump, morning delight.
Afternoon delight.
Yeah, afternoon delight.
Little surprise up the ass.
Little finger in the butt.
Little big lighter.
Lodged in your ass.
You got to go to the fucking hospital and try and tell them how you fell on it.
Sounds like this is actually happened to you.
How did this get up there, sir?
I fell on it.
You know, it was just sitting perfect and I fell perfect.
You could really stick a lighter in your ass though. You probably need it, right?
Yeah, what?
So I had court this morning.
Oh, boy.
You mean, oh, boy, you make it sound like it's a death sentence. I'm still here.
I know.
It's good though. Every continuance is a couple more months that you're not in jail and we could fucking do this program.
Two months continuance. Not bad.
Yeah.
But when I go back, I think they're going to try to figure my fate out.
Do you think they'll give you any time or is it going to be...
I'm not the lawyer.
No, I know. I'm just a defendant.
Does it look like this kind of case could have time attached to it?
I mean, possibly.
Possibly, yes. I mean, I don't know. That's why I'm paying a lawyer to hopefully not have to go to Cook County.
Yeah.
Which will not be fun.
No, exactly.
I'm sure he'll fucking at least get you bail and keep you out, you know.
Yeah, but it's still going through processing. Let me tell you.
The bullpen there is the greatest thing ever.
They don't do the stick anymore though.
Yeah, they don't put stick in your dick.
So that's one good thing. You know, one less fucking thing at least.
It's not a good thing ever to go to Cook County, but...
It's better when they don't stick the stick up your dick.
To test for STDs. That's what they're just talking about.
Now they don't care if you get them.
They would stand you in a row and cotton swab your dick.
With the wooden stick.
Cotton swab is putting it lightly.
It was a cotton swab.
But with a metal or a metal with a wooden stick and like a pencil tip, you know.
And then they actually paid those people out for cruel and unusual punishment.
I think everybody... I can't remember. It was like a hundred bucks or something.
A hundred bucks for every guy that screams out...
What a fucking ache. What do you call it?
It's a fucking barbaric fucking way to...
Archaic. There we go.
An barbaric.
Yes.
Let's check if you got anything.
And the crazy part is, is they never change the fucking Q-tip.
What are you talking about?
Oh my god.
Now you're gonna get us sued.
That's not good.
No, they would change the Q-tip.
And usually every four guys...
A lady would do it too.
And there would just be dude standing around.
There was chicks in the room when I did it, but here's the thing though.
They were in a fucking...
You were in jail. This isn't a playground.
Much different.
These doctors... I mean not to say that they're not fucking sadistic motherfuckers, but they're not at least...
Did we ever talk about sounding?
Sounding.
They put the rod in your wiener and then they hit it?
Oh yeah.
Why do they do that?
Like a tuning fork?
Yeah, I forgot about that. I think that was like on episode fucking three or something.
Way back then.
We're just playing the hits now.
What was sounding again?
I told you they put a rod in your...
Is it a tuning fork?
Yeah, well something to that extent.
It was just a long metal rod.
Metal rod.
A tuning fork.
You can do two at once.
You get a double dog.
I'm sure they do right. Hit it with a hammer then.
Well no, they flick it or they hit it with something.
And it vibrates.
And they...
Just like, you know Edward Fish's?
Yeah.
Old school from like the 1800s.
Children ate, right?
Well everybody. He was a cannibal.
Well children was his favorite dish I heard.
Yeah, well I think they eat, yes.
But he was a cannibal. He really was an EOE employer.
He didn't really care.
Who the fuck were you?
He was gonna kill your ass.
He used to take hat pins and stick them in his gooch.
Nice.
And they found him.
He had like six or seven in there when they x-rayed him.
Oh my god.
And it's like the thing with the...
What's the thing where the Christians
where they put the belt on
and they strap it on and it has like the spikes in it?
I don't know what you're talking about.
You've never seen the...
What was that movie called with Tom Hanks?
No, fuck Tom Hanks.
He's a funerck. I heard it allegedly.
Now you made me lose my treat.
No, the Christian belt with the spikes.
Yeah, the fucking...
Oh my god.
Albert Fish.
Anyway, it's Albert Fish, not Edward Fish.
Albert Fish, yes. I'm sorry. Did I say Edward?
Yes.
It's okay. And I'm sure our audience members
fucking probably...
The Da Vinci Code.
Oh, okay. Now I didn't see that one.
Thank god.
He put this...
It was like a belt that had spikes in it
and he would strap it on
and it sounds like a Catholic thing, not a Christian thing.
Well, it's Catholicism.
I mean, they are hand in hand, right?
No. Satanism and...
And what?
Catholicism are hand in hand.
Well...
But not Christian and Catholicism.
I think Christianity is a derivative of Catholicism, right?
They use Catholicism...
No.
Catholicism is supposed a derivative
of Christianity.
Tomato, tomato.
No, no. Not tomato, tomato.
Oh, come on.
So what the Catholic Church does is hide behind
the word of the Lord and perverts it into
fucking satanic shit.
Well, we were talking about how they tore down
Jeffrey... Jeffrey Dahmer...
So that's why it sounds like they wore those belts
to fucking punish themselves.
Sounds like a fucking Catholic thing.
I don't remember the... I was just putting it out.
I don't think Jesus said, hey,
torture yourself a little bit.
Why not?
My God.
Well, yes, so I go to court this morning
and it's, you know, there's a lot of
there's a lot of people, it's a nine o'clock roll call.
And
I walk in and there's this guy
that is visibly
high on fentanyl.
I mean... Fucked up.
Visibly high.
So they have this like little table
and they have these plastic trays where you put all your fucking
shit in, you know? Like for people
that don't... Yeah.
Like the airplane. Like the airplane.
Like an airplane sort of.
You gotta put your belongings in the tub.
These guys carry guns. They're not tear-to-tage.
And so the guy
walks over to put his stuff in now.
He's like two people in front of me.
Super fucked up.
Well, when I go to put my stuff,
because nobody knows, you know, it's hustling, bustling.
I go over, I look, this guy is
knotted out fully
standing up and he's got like
he's just got his hands in his bucket.
The cop comes over
and he's like, hey buddy, are you
alright? And the dude
puts his hands on the cop.
Like I told ya. And the cop
says, hey, don't do that. And then what
does good old fucking fenny boy do
again? Touch him. Put his hand right back on the cop.
And the cop realize
that this guy is not a threat.
Right. He's super fucked up. You could have blown him over
and taken him out. It wasn't that...
So then they transfer
his stuff over to the X-ray machine. And I mean
it is the funny...
This guy looked like... So they wound him
because he forgot his belt
or his watch or something. I can't remember.
And it looked like he was doing...
Remember that old DUI test? And they make you stick
your head up and touch your fingers.
His head was like looking at the ceiling
and the guy was wounding him.
And then he starts walking away.
The good old days. Yeah. He starts walking away
and he forgets all his stuff.
So then they call him over
and they're like, hey, this is your belt.
He's like, I wasn't wearing a belt.
They're like, yeah, but it's in with your stuff.
Here's your belt.
This is your wallet and your phone too, right?
He's like, oh yeah, that's fine.
You know, when you're on that shit
and you're like, oh yeah. Yeah, man.
Oh yeah, I had a belt.
You have that epiphany on.
That's fucking crazy. So then he walks
over to the end
and he tells the cop to wish him good luck.
And then he touches the cop.
The other one.
And these guys are not too pleased
with what's going on. They know.
If I would have had, if I swear to God,
I would have, I should have followed
this guy into the courtroom to see what would happen.
Too bad. I wasn't with you because
I would have broke off. Yeah.
I mean, I don't want to see the downfall of any male.
No. I'm all about positive.
But here's the bad part though. Humankind.
Is male and female.
When this fucking guy goes in front of the judge,
all disrespectful and super fucked up.
Disrespectful is a
mildly. A mildly. I mean, yeah.
This guy's high on junk
in the courtroom. Yeah. And then when he goes
to jail, he's really going to be dope sick.
Either way, unless his case is so bad
where he knows he's going to jail anyway,
I guess, you know, I would
might do the same thing. The last hurrah
and get as fucked up as possible.
I would assume that this guy is not
going to go meet his probation officer.
Even though I have done that.
God is highest.
I've pissed lava for a fucking
for my probation officer
before and she would
be like, why would you even pee in a cup?
You should have just said no.
And I was like, well, you told me to come here.
I'm like, I can't even put a warrant out for my arrest.
Four warrants were issued also
in my court because people didn't show up.
Wow. You see, very important
listeners to show up when they give you that court date.
Yeah, because for some reason they want me to show up every fucking time.
I don't know why. It's not like I'm a flight rick.
It's giving me an ankle.
It's for them to show their power.
I'll make this motherfucker have to show up.
You know, it's the cause and convenience
to taking days off work and everything else.
Listen to this though. You want to hear something crazy?
Um,
so
they have like a public defender,
you know, somebody that's pro bono that does work
and somebody from the
like my wife,
somebody from the
the bar attorney
and the judge says, hey,
if you don't have a lawyer,
this guy over here and he raises his arm,
this guy
will look at your case
and then help you out. And then he says,
the first one's free, the next one's going to cost you.
Hmm.
He talked like a dealer. Wow.
Isn't that crazy?
It is, man.
That is fucking insane.
And here's the thing, the first
the first
guy that comes up to him
that day or is it
your first case? Well, no, they're just saying, yeah,
if you came to court without a lawyer, yeah,
this guy can help you out, but
you know, you got to give you a taste first
and then, you know, we're going to blow smoke
up your ass and this is what might happen.
But if you pay more money, this is what might happen.
That's all it is.
Just throwing money at the fucking state.
Yeah.
And this guy works for them.
And then there was another lady. That's dirty, man.
Huh? That's fucking dirty.
Okay. Well, I mean,
how do everybody gets a kickback?
Now that guy's going to probably donate to that judge's campaign
to try to keep them into office.
Yeah. And just goes to show you how
skew everything is. They don't give a fuck.
Everything's a conspiracy theory, Larry.
They don't give a fuck, man, as long as you got the money.
And the more money you have,
the nicer they'll be.
Well, isn't it ironic that
you can't pay your child support so they take your license away
so then you can't go to work and pay your child support?
Very ironic.
I mean, talk about a fucking cyclical thing.
They did that to our drummer, Stoney.
And, you know, all of a sudden it's like,
well, bitch, how the fuck do you expect me to get to work?
Now that my fucking license is spent.
And of course he's getting, because then he's got to keep going
and he's got to keep going and he's got to keep going.
And then he's getting pulled over.
And, you know, lucky for us that Tony's a good fucking doctor.
There's ways to get out of things.
Like, how about you throw a little bit of faith money down?
Like, here you go.
As long as you give people money, they'll shut the fuck up.
Bill collectors.
You know, child support, shit.
This is all I have right now.
Yeah, but no, once you get caught up with the courts,
it's as soon as you fuck up,
they're suspending your license.
He paid it off. He thought it should be paid off.
He's got to get it.
And he's got to get it.
And, you know, once he got his license,
he paid it off.
He thought his shit was good and he was driving around
with the kids and all of a sudden,
it was suspended again.
And the cops like, well, obviously you got your kids.
They don't want to take you to jail right now.
But it's funny. You just said, once you fuck up again,
how about now fucking up?
Well, no, I said the wrong, I don't mean to say fuck up,
but once they cut your driving.
The wrong verb that you used.
Yeah, but you are kind of fucking up
with your kids from fucking missing.
From the chick that's suing you for her body.
Yeah.
That knows you don't, that you know,
it's all huge setup. She could be like,
hey, pick the kids up, fucking pull his ass over.
And then call the cops and say, he's driving.
Women are scandalous.
We're a struggle of her.
Yeah.
I mean, men are scandalous too.
No, I don't think, well, I don't know the today's man,
I don't know what they're like, but
I know today's man are like, they have blue hair
and they have white hair.
Yeah, but you're married.
No, I'm just saying back in the day.
Well, you can't barely stoop that low now.
Fuck you.
Now we can talk about it.
I can fucking out, I can out fucking power,
tower of death you on the fucking.
So now we'll get into our Crop McGot story.
Going down because of you.
So Larry and I started Crop McGot.
Yeah.
Although you had someone in front of you,
I can't blame it all on you.
So Larry and I go to our first class
on Tuesday, today's Friday.
And, man, I almost fucking died.
Couldn't breathe.
Okay, calm down George.
I was picturing, I can't breathe.
I was picturing an ambulance coming
and someone was stepping on my neck almost.
And then it's all better.
And then it's all Larry not to take mushrooms before class.
Oh, that's a good idea.
No, it's not at all.
So we go in on Tuesday to go fuck it,
sign up for our class, we got to sign a waiver.
So Larry and I smoke a joint
in the parking lot.
Uh,
wait, wait, wait, we'll get there.
Now you finally got what I'm getting to.
So,
we smoke a huge fatty
and it's all these people
waiting for their kids out in the parking lot.
They're taking karate lessons.
Yeah, so these kids are taking karate.
Larry and I are there for our Crop McGot class.
And we show up early,
smoke huge joint.
It was a big joint.
Yeah.
A regular Larry sized joint.
But we had to roll the windows down.
So now all the parents have their windows down.
And our cars just permeating weed smoke.
And
so we go inside
and we go meet the lady
and
the girl. I would say she's the girl.
Okay, the girl. How old would you say she is?
I don't know.
She could kick you right in the nothing.
She'll rip someone's fucking larynx out.
But that's besides the point.
That's kind of hot. Yeah.
I'd let her slap me around. She will eventually.
Thanks. Second you hit on her,
you'll see how hard she kicks.
Yeah, I'll open my legs.
Ha ha ha ha.
Like that.
Chinamin there was getting his balls worked over.
Yeah.
So we go in there and we just stink like weed.
I mean, we literally
just clam-baked.
No, no, no, you're getting ahead of yourself.
Oh, yeah. You have slowed down.
Okay. So then we sit down and I'm like, oh,
I'm like, yeah.
We're signing up.
And I tell the lady Larry's name is Larry Jones,
which is completely not
his real name. It is the
furthest from the truth.
So now all this paperwork says Larry
Jones, which now we have to
make a social security number up for.
Ha ha ha.
So we got to fucking find some
dead guy and taking social security.
So then it comes to the point to pay.
And I'll be, and I'm going to be honest, I asked Larry
to come and do this with me. Needles was very generous.
No, so I pay because Larry's my boy
and we both get out.
So then she says- Plus let me just say it was 25 bucks.
So. Yeah, but she says
it's not like you bought me a Rolex or nothing.
I said you're bringing your dad out.
Yeah. She goes, so
I go,
she goes, are you guys going to pay separately?
And I say, well, I don't know unless
he's going to pay for me.
And she goes, oh,
and he's like, yeah, I'll pay Larry.
And she's like, oh, that's real nice.
You're, is this your dad?
And I'm like, wait, stop right there.
We laughed the hardest
we've ever laughed.
Smelling like weed
in a dojo. Yeah.
Filled with children that just got
done doing karate and she's
wearing her gi. Yeah.
She's wearing her red gi.
And she's got to be one in late
early 30s, maybe early 30s,
maybe late 20s, maybe
late 20s.
And she's a karate master.
15 years she's been doing karate.
Yeah. So then
she's like, I
don't mind to ask you.
No, no, the, the, oh, okay, keep going.
She's like, uh,
how are you guys going to get here?
Are you driving together? Yeah.
And I'm like, what do you mean?
She goes, well, do you live together?
So then I go, it's because
of your haircut needles.
So then she insinuated
that Larry and I were gay.
Right.
And
keep going.
No, go ahead. We're not going to go.
We laughed even more than we did
when they said it was. It was I his dad.
And we kept on ribbon out around like
she thinks we're gay Larry.
She was getting like blushing
and I'm so sorry, you guys.
I didn't mean it.
We're just laughing, laughing, calling
each other gay or like you think we're gay Larry.
Just stone out of her mind
for her first class.
It was very, very funny.
It was very funny. We had a great fucking time.
But she then she says to
us, do you guys smoke?
And I go, what do you mean?
And she goes, anything.
Because we're smell like fucking
Amsterdam.
And she's like
we're like, yeah.
Sheepishly telling her, yeah.
Because you're an asshole.
She's a mom. You're 57
and I'm fucking 42.
And fucking
She's in her 30s.
She goes, just don't smoke in the dojo.
And I'm like, oh my god.
We're going to light up in the
I think we're going to smoke weed in the dojo.
Which is great.
We're going to be very worried about it.
We won't. I won't smoke.
We won't. And so we didn't even
smoke pot outside the second time.
Yeah. Yesterday we didn't even get high before
we got high, but we didn't get high before we went
in. And I'll tell you what, I was
winded like a motherfucker after a couple of
things. The first time I took it a little
better the second time, but
I haven't been smoking cigarettes.
Larry goes hard.
He goes hard.
Maybe I was going a little hard.
Yesterday. I didn't mean to do that.
Yes, you did. You came at me like a fucking
Russian bear, dude.
Even the fucking
even Sonny was like calm down Larry.
Which is hilarious.
I told him, I go, you know, real life
situation.
And he kind of maybe little chuckle, but this
guy, this Sonny kid is a killer.
He's a bad motherfucker, man.
Holy fuck, man. And he's got to be in his early
20s, mid 20s. Yeah, middle
20s. And if you
saw this kid, you'd think anybody
any poll. Yeah,
you'd think, I'll blow this guy over with
the feather. This motherfucker will
kill you. You'll be either
paralyzed or dead. That's about
all the two fucking options I could
think of because damn, this motherfucker
is fast.
And he hits hard and he kicks fucking
hard. Remember when he told the chicks,
he said, this will be good when you're
getting dragged into the bedroom or the
van.
So what? So listen up, lady.
And he also, you know what?
I heard the
other instructor, the older cat
that also fucking kill anybody in the
world. He also said
the same line to the younger kids.
It was like, yeah, it was like,
you know, between like 12
year old and
18 year old Indian kids,
girls, boys, some of the boys were
good at it. Some of the girls were like there.
You could tell their parents were just
forcing them to do it and they had to do it.
And the parents are watching from
this little, you know,
there's like a three bench bleacher
area behind the glass where you can
watch the class and progress.
Yes, as you walk in. And you can see
that some of the Indian
parents are there and they're probably going to
say, you did not try hard
enough. You know, later they're going to get critiqued.
That's an Indian voice? I guess, man.
No, that wasn't good enough. If you want to get
canceled, do a good Indian voice.
I'm not. I don't practice. How about that guy
standing behind me through the glass?
That was fucking weird. Dude, I thought somebody
was going to say that. So many needles are sitting
in the back fucking row bleachers
and we're laughing. Okay, so when you first
were waiting... We're still laughing that she thinks we're gay
and that I'm his dad and everything else.
He's my gay dad. And all of a sudden
there's this guy standing
outside the glass, outside
the building, because there's just, you know,
it's a storefront. It's a strip mall.
And this fucking guy standing, if we were...
If the glass wasn't there, he would have been
touching you. How about this? If I put my back
up to the glass, our bodies would have
formed the same shape. Yeah.
You would have been able to distinguish that.
I mean, he couldn't have been closer. And I felt him.
Yeah. Not in a good way, but I felt him
standing behind me and I look over
at Larry and I'm like, what the...
And I mean, dude, we're ripped. I look over and I'm like,
man, this guy is right on you.
We were way too stoned for our first
Croma McGaw class. Yeah.
And they made me do some shit, man.
Fucking choking, punching.
Dude, the best is I get to kick Larry
in the gut and neum
and then he gets to do it to me. Yeah.
And then we get to choke each other and
fucking, man, we get to do
pressure points. So here's the deal, Larry.
The Mossad Center applications for us are we going to sign up?
Now we're only going to die
four seconds quicker than
one second. Yeah.
Yeah. On the E, on the precipice
of our 9-11 show. On the precipice
of that, we better take a couple more classes.
Well, we can't, I mean. I know.
Next class is Tuesday.
But I'm all about it though.
I'm very happy about
doing this with you.
Of course, Monday is the
9-11 anniversary.
Yeah, we have a big show plan for 9-11.
I mean, we're, you know what?
We're just going to talk about the facts.
This is all public knowledge.
We're going to give you... Just the facts, man.
Well, we're going to give you
places where you can
fact check our shit, where we got our stuff
from.
Like on that old show, you know,
Dragnet.
Is the kid on drugs? Yes, but it's
my son. Just the facts, man. Didn't they used to be
like
9-26 a.m.
place, West Hollywood?
Like, they used to like give you a time
in a place and then
I remember when they went to an acid house.
I remember when... And it was just like
like
Yeah, I remember, you know, they did a lot of
acid
episodes on that show because it was right
in the prime. Maybe a heroin
one, two, a PCP one.
I saw one where a kid was
freaking out on acid
at a house, like a nice
suburban house.
You know, like you and your brother Jay freaking
out on drugs when you were kids.
Yeah. It was the scenes like that
sometimes on Dragnet and the mother
is like freaking out.
She's just losing her shit. All of a sudden
she just kills both babies and writes
pig out all the time. No, it never happens like that.
No, it always does though. It did though.
I think there's been some... People die on there.
Yeah, they would go to like a junkie
motel and shit.
And people are fucking...
They'd want to find a dealer.
They'd fucking solve the crime.
And it was like heroin is off the streets
of LA and one fucking
arrest. One swoop. Yeah.
Everybody in a
Dragnet. That's what they get them in.
The prototypical
G-Man shit.
It was Joe Friday and the
fucking partner was
the Colonel for Mesh.
Fucking
Colonel... The small
blonde-haired dude? The little bald guy.
The little bald guy.
Colonel Potter.
I know what Mesh is.
I used to watch with Mary Lehmann.
The dude that was
the Colonel
was the cop on
Dragnet. He wasn't the dude
with the hat on. No, the hat dude
was... Well, they both were hats.
They both were hats.
They take them off when a woman would be
in her 60s, 60s, 60s.
What a simpler time.
When you watch that shit, you're like,
oh my god, this is how white was.
Well, that was all brainwashing by the
FBI, Dragnet and all that.
It was fucking me.
Getting us used to everyone
freaking out on acid and everything.
Yeah, but they were doing that in
fucking other valley.
Yeah, yeah.
They were fucking MK... Oh, excuse me.
MK-Ultra. They were MK-Ultra, all these
people and they injected...
They were talking about Laurel Canyon. Yeah, Laurel Canyon.
The canyon, I said. But they were
injected... They said the valley, motherfucker.
Oh, did I?
I'm stoned.
That bong here got me.
So Laurel Canyon,
when basically they took...
they concaged me. MK-Ultra, everybody.
You know what they were saying about
all those Huxley?
That he is the...
I'm not even going to get into it right now. We'll talk about that later.
Okay. But
when... I mean, they brought
these people with drugs. They're like, oh, these bands are
popular. Let's fucking feed their people drugs
and see what happens. I mean,
Hade Ashbury was the biggest MK-Ultra
experiment in the 1960s
and 70s. Right. When you watch some of
those like a Grateful Dead
movie or two and they
talk about the parties that they would play
and that... Punch-Bulls of Amphibas.
Yes. Yes. And okay. And so
every
weekend they would do this and
the thing of it is, is where's
all this LSD coming from?
You know. It's coming from the government.
Yeah. I mean, who the fuck made that shit?
Exactly. Timothy Leary, all those guys were
compromised by the government.
When you really look at it, everybody has
some sort of
yarn attached to them
to the government. Yeah. And they were all just
whacked out college professors too.
You know. Well. Freaked out.
Fucking... Well, they... I mean...
Okay, listen. If you're a pervert,
where do you go? To a college.
Where kids are. To a college.
You could be a professor and you get these
freshmen... You know what I mean? These minds
that you could do it. Oh, I mean, you've ever seen
a small house? Come on.
Come over, smoke some weed and let's
talk about Shakespeare.
You know. Yuck.
My God.
Well, I don't really remember
that, but...
And all those guys worked for the government though.
You know, allegedly.
Well, they always had some sort of affiliation.
It's like six degrees of separation. Somebody
knew somebody that knew somebody that knew somebody that
turned his people against them or did that. Well, here's the thing,
man. What blows me away and we never
got deep enough into it because we never researched it.
But I'm gonna...
Is Frank Zappa being his dad?
His father, yes. Was very, very
indoctrinated by the US
government. And Gale too.
And then here's the other thing I heard. All
these guys like... Jim Morrison's dad
the Gulf of Tonkin responsible for it.
But how about this though? Like
John Lennon. Not responsible, actually.
He was the first guy into the Gulf of Tonkin.
Jim Morrison's dad.
Huh.
John Lennon.
Oh, they say Yoko Ono.
Mark David Chapman. No, like
Yoko Ono was
like his handler. Well, listen.
Paul McCartney, they say Linda
Eastman. Linda McCartney
was his handler.
First of all. Supposedly all these fucking guys.
George Bush was very
good friends with the Chapmans.
They had dinner.
He was
in town and they had dinner.
Wait, Chapman is the guy.
Mark David Chapman. Okay, but I was thinking
about the guy who shot Reagan too.
I always get them confused. Yeah, Hinckley.
John Hinckley and Chapman.
Which we had the tickets to go see him.
Yes, we did. But they canceled the tour.
We had chickens. We had tickets to go see
Bart Tickets. They traded six chickens
to go to the concert. To go see his fucking.
And they said that they couldn't
let him chat or
Hinckley couldn't perform because they
had so many bomb threats and death threats.
So they refunded my money.
Which would have been the greatest show ever.
Okay, so getting back to Chapman.
Ketchor and the Rye.
He knew the Bushes. When he got caught.
He said, Uncle George said I should do it.
Oh, okay, yeah.
There's a lot of correlation between that because
he was, John Lennon was out of the
movement. He was getting ready to get out.
He was no use
to them anymore. And what better way,
it's better to burn out than fade away, right?
Yeah, that's the worst thing.
He lives in infamy now.
Yeah, well here's the thing.
He's adored. There's a place in Central
Park. Dedicated to the
no, the thing on the ground, whatever the
fuck it is. Imagine something.
Dakota.
Yeah, fuck John Lennon anyway.
He beat his first girlfriend.
There's wife Cynthia. Punched the shit out of
that bitch. I think he tried to run
her over once. Well, allegedly.
Allegedly. Thank you, Larry.
But I mean, who's going to come after us?
There's some water right there.
I know, I see you're so fucking high.
So all these
guys have handlers.
And so you got to think if fucking
Frank Zappa's wife's dad
was in some kind of fucking
Gales Apple. Yeah, then fucking
she must be his handler.
Not at all. She could be a sex
kitten. Yeah, but that's how they,
you know, that's part of the deal. You'll have to
fuck these dirt bags also
so they could fully believe the scam.
Well, look at Courtney Love. Courtney Love brought heroin
into Seattle. She was fucking Kurt Cobain's
handler. No, she brought heroin
into Seattle.
Her dad was a high asset
for the CIA and used her
for
very nefarious things
to sway people.
And it's well documented.
Well. Is that thing still rolling or not?
Yeah.
It's rolling, son.
I mean,
Jesus.
Sorry, man.
Grateful dad.
I mean,
the funny thing, okay, so
here's the thing, heavy metal music,
these guys came in, they made great music, everybody
fucking loved it. They signed
outrageous contracts.
Outrageous contracts.
Here's another. Thank you.
And they were getting paid
fucking
the amounts of money that these guys
were being paid was crazy.
So then Grunge comes in
and then what happens is
well, they get these all
sad, sad guys. They totally
change the dynamic of music.
What's that? It didn't lower the money.
No, no, they changed the dynamic
of the music. But no, here's the deal.
They did lower the money. These guys
were junkies and they
all got paid. Okay. You know what I mean?
They all got paid nothing
barely. They scored
the fuck out of them. They drug
the fuck up of them. You know?
I mean, a lot of those people are not alive
still. Well, once you're dead,
you're not alive
still. Well, you know what I mean? Those people are dead.
Sorry. Yeah.
To this day, I will put you in a chokehold right now.
Maybe you should
maybe we should do an episode
of you and I do a crowd like a half or
like an hour
and just fighting. I don't know if
an hour will translate
and just sound. Yeah, well, I mean just beating your
old ass up. Old gay ass up.
I don't know if it'll fucking happen. I don't know
if it'll happen like that.
Dude, it was your fucking
haircut that made us gay. It's not my hair cut.
I don't care about my hair.
Well. You know?
It's not like I have a weird gay haircut.
I just took my hat off and that's what
it looked like and you insinuated
actually, she insinuated. It was funny
that you and I are funuks which is hilarious.
Yeah.
And you know what? Tell me Larry.
It's because you were paying for it.
She thought I was the man.
Yeah.
You pay for it, I said.
You pay for it.
No, you didn't say that at all. You just said
something completely different earlier.
No, I said something like
unless he's paying for it. That thing's cashed.
Well here.
We'll pack it up again. Fuck you man.
Don't drop it.
I'm not going to drop it.
So anyways.
We got some good moves
and I'm going to be fucking pumped up
and I already been doing all my prison yard
fucking exercise. Do you think you could over
take the guys in flight 11?
Yeah, I think I could have.
I'm asking you. Yes, you think you could have?
Two guys with box cutters.
Does Larry Jones think that he could take out
the... Yeah.
Especially... If you had two A-rays...
Okay, listen.
Especially back then.
If you're in first class, the A-Rabs
come busting through the fucker.
Whatever they got.
Curveswords.
Curveswords make it more hilarious.
Yeah.
And then they come and Larry Jones. And Curls and Curls choose.
Two of them, but you're in an aisle.
So it's one in front of the other.
He comes out and it was you, the box cutter.
Now with the box cutter,
you can only probably go, you know,
use that break off. Yeah, it's nothing.
So you could probably do two or three,
but that's gonna slash ya.
If he gets any longer, it's gonna break.
Yeah, you know what I mean?
So, can Larry Jones deter
two Saudi Arabian
hijackers on flight 11
going into the World Trade Center?
I think so.
Because... Be more confident, bitch.
Here's what I would do. I know so.
Me too. Okay, what would you do first?
Here's what. I don't want to say it.
I don't want to sound like a cocky jackoff.
Well, I mean, too late for that.
First thing I would do...
Is blow them.
Yeah, and then after that,
I would fucking... Give him a massage.
I'd grab that bitch by his...
First I'd fucking put his knee out. Risk control.
I'd grab his wrist with the fucking box cutter,
take his knee out, and at the same time,
I'd kick him... Knee out.
Arm stretch.
Hammer fist. Yeah, but no.
I'm going to kick him backwards.
You're in an aisle.
I'm going to kick him backwards into his friend that's behind him.
Okay, I like that. That's a good move.
So you deter, you grab the wrist,
deter the fucking knife.
Yeah, and break the knee, and then fucking...
Oh, break the knee. Yeah, first I go out the knee.
But if you break the knee, he's going to drop, so you can't push him back.
Well, you had to do it.
So then you got to kick him. Yeah, you got to kick him in the chest.
Oh, actually, you should do nuts, then chest.
Yeah.
Because then you go, uh, then, whap!
When he bends over, you can go get him.
Okay, so then now what would you do?
And then, you know, hammer fist...
69th.
Give that fucker a couple of hammer fists
and the fucking neck and paralyze him.
And then...
He's on the ground. How are you going to get to the back of his neck?
The next guy, if he doesn't go down all the way.
Other than that...
Yeah, you don't like that at all.
You got to go down all the way.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I mean, Larry, I don't know what this is.
That's why this lady thought we were fucking fruits.
Because of him.
I didn't say any of this stuff.
I just exude fruitness.
She just knows what you're thinking.
That's hard of being a fucking G.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
That's why she was throwing up.
She's a karate master. She's telling gayness.
She's like, oh boy, this guy really goes...
She's like, these motherfuckers...
Kiss his dad.
The hell's going on?
He was just stinking like a weed farm.
And she was reading your mind.
She thought these guys are gay.
If she was reading my mind, she would have kicked us both in the face.
I know.
I feel bad for her.
Which is funny.
No, I don't feel bad for her.
I feel cool.
No, I'm just saying, I feel bad for her for my thoughts.
Oh yeah, well you should feel bad for yourself
because she's not going to go to help
for what you're thinking.
You are.
You follow.
Yeah, I mean, they're my thoughts.
I mean, I understand that. That's how that works, Larry.
That's how that works.
Yeah, thanks for telling me.
You're welcome.
I'm only responsible for my shit.
Thank you very much.
I know what things I would do to her.
That's what I meant, Larry.
You totally misconstrued that.
I see.
I mean, listen.
It's so funny how you just walk in
and I mean, if that chick was just sitting there
in like a sweatshirt
and not in a fucking karate outfit,
you'd be like, ah, she's a normal chick.
Like remember when she was
because we were doing these like
so you do a choke,
you break out of it,
you get in the chest elbow to the side of the head
to the temple.
And she knows, and we learned that on the first two days,
she knows all that shit by heart for years.
But do you know what she complained about?
Remember, she's like, don't break my nail.
Remember when she said,
but she was fighting another chick.
Like there were two chicks that were like sparring with each other.
Don't fuck up my nails.
Yeah, she said because they cost $75.
It's like, Jesus, man,
this chick could really just rip your fucking
tongue out of your face.
She's worried about nails.
Yeah.
She'll be able to chill elbow here in the fucking temple.
Yeah.
Every other thing except her fists.
Which sounds like a good porno name.
Everything except her fists.
Yeah.
Working your meat over with her elbow.
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
This is the porno I'm coming up with.
I'm not saying this is going to happen.
I'm not going to be in that one.
I'm not making movies, but I'm not going to be in that one.
I'll be behind the camera.
Oh, you just want to watch it?
That's what you're, when you're old age,
you just want to purve a, the purve?
Purve air, the surveyor.
That's all right though.
But it's very fun.
It's very silly that I would suggest
to anyone, hook up with your friend
and go do some fucking
martial arts.
Because there's nothing funnier
than me kicking Larry
in the chest.
Well, he's got a pad on.
And I mean full on kick and full on knee.
And then he tells me to take it,
and he tells me to take it
25%.
Yeah, because you're going too hard.
We're friends. We do a podcast together.
I'm not your enemy.
The fucking, the sensei had to tell you.
He's going full on kick and I'm,
he tells me. No, because
you have pads on.
You grabbed me with your bare hand.
And he had to fucking,
and Sonny was even like,
hey, don't grab him so hard.
I'm like, this is my friend.
I brought him here.
And he's trying to choke me.
Then he understood. Yeah.
I got to go do my DUI assessment.
I'm going to have finger fucking,
what do you call it? This kid was cool.
He showed us the, you know,
spots to hit people for the paralyzing
shot and then fucking.
You're a pressure point.
Yeah. And then he was like, you know,
but before you do one of these, you know,
make sure you know where the door is.
Yeah.
You know, you might have to get out of there.
After, because he's a mean son of a bitch,
he says.
And he likes to elbow people on the back
of the head. Yeah.
Where the spinal cord connects to the brain,
which
is a bad thing.
You know what? You might be eating out of a tube
or just in a wooden box.
Definitely.
This kid, I definitely, you know,
he would be asleep or two.
Somebody would say some shit to his girlfriend
at the bar or something
or fuck with him.
You know, say some shit to his girlfriend.
You have to tell me Larry, the guy kicked me in the stomach
three or four times.
He had a fucking very hard punch
and a very, you know, I held the pad a couple
of times and it was amazingly hard to.
I was like, holy fuck.
It actually kind of hurt through the pad.
Nah.
And the best is we did this, we did this training
where we push each other up against the wall
and choke them and then you break out of the choke.
So we run and slam you into the wall
with the choke
and then you break out of it and fucking
hammer the guy in the fucking head.
Nuts.
You always work the nuts. That's what they tell you.
It's the massage. Do you think they have any fucking rules?
No. I don't know if it's the massage.
That's who did this shit.
That's what
that's what this fight is.
That Krav Maga is
mainly used by the fucking IDF.
I know it's all different countries
and shit. No, it's Israel.
This is where it started. No, but I know all these different martial arts
are different countries. I don't know what the fuck
is from where. Krav Maga is to
debilitate,
destroy your enemy
if they attack you and they come at you.
If you're one on one with the person
and they come at you, Krav Maga
is to dismantle your enemy.
In the most
crudest way
nuts, he told us are the greatest thing to work.
Kicks to the nuts, kneaded in the nuts,
rip them out
if you had to, he told us.
If you want to put a finger in an eye,
do it.
Yeah, it's pretty fucking crazy.
It's not like the honorable karate way.
How is karate honorable?
Well, you know, they're very
very honorable.
Oh, they're honorable.
Now you're using an Asian voice. Yeah.
Took long enough. Listen, we're old.
We don't need honorable. We just want to hurt people
if they attack us. I don't want to hurt people.
If they attack us, I say.
If they attack us, that's it.
But that's dumb. You shouldn't say that because...
Yes, because if somebody attacks me...
If somebody tries to punch me...
If somebody tries to punch me... You're inviting people
to attack you on a fucking podcast.
I want you to attack me.
I'm going to work you over like yesterday.
It's a lot of me. Okay.
But...
I'm not encouraging people to attack needles.
How am I doing that? We got like four listeners.
I don't know.
Good thing they live far away.
Or at least hope they do.
I'll tell them where you live. Fuck you, man.
69, 69 humpback lane.
Yeah, okay. In any ways,
um...
What else you got besides that, motherfucker?
Just ask me what else I got.
You can't come up with anything.
No, you're so smart. Let's hear it.
Oh, yeah. See, I put it back on you and then you may...
And then you say something rude to me.
Fuck you. You're so smart.
You know what I mean? I'm so smart. I'm just talking about things.
I'm not doing fucking equations and shit.
Why not? You're so smart.
That was like the worst thing you could have done.
I mean, man, we take two Crivin McGaw classes
and you want to fight now all the time?
You did elbow me in front of Mary the other day in the kitchen.
When I was trying to... We were going through a demonstration
and Larry just got all riled up in front of Mary.
Oh, man. He's like, man...
I didn't mean it. What do you mean you didn't mean it?
You totally meant it. You elbowed me.
I did not. You elbowed me where I could get fucking paralyzed.
No way.
Yes, you did. That's why you're laughing.
You're like, I didn't mean to.
Jesus, man. I really can't take you anywhere
because now you're using your shit on me.
No, I'll be okay. I'll be okay.
I hope so.
I'm excited to fucking get more further into it.
Yeah.
I do like it.
Anything... Listen, either you're fucking creating...
See, I didn't know what the origins of it or where it came from.
Yeah, it's the idea if it's a fucking massage.
So it's not that old.
It's got to be some kind of old technique that's...
No, it's multiple techniques in a drawing.
Put together.
Yeah, it's a different technique.
It's multiple techniques that are combined into one.
Put together.
And then using pressure points and fucking
shit that's going to hurt you
or kill you.
You know what I mean? Like, we were watching those videos
where they were getting attacked by three people.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't know, you know, that one guy might have been able to do it,
but there's videos of this shit.
It's crazy.
Maybe these instructors at the place could do it.
The funny thing is, it's like, okay, you box.
You use your hands.
You know, you do karate.
You do that shit.
But with like, Krav Maga, it's all with that.
It's kicks, punches.
But then you want Aigau Jean,
which he told us is okay.
Ball grabbing and ripping out is okay.
He said, fucking, kick him in the asshole
at one point.
But he did also say, you know, he didn't say like...
Choking kill?
He didn't say like this was going to be okay with the law.
Well, I mean, he's definitely not a cop.
No.
I mean, he's a masod probably.
It's okay with him. That's what he means.
Well, I mean, you got to get the job done and defend yourself.
That's what it boils down to.
If you feel threatened and somebody's coming after you,
I really don't fucking...
First of all, somebody's coming in.
You know, we're not...
I'm not a bar fly. I don't ever go to the bar.
Rarely to go see a band or something.
And that's when usually shit happens.
A drunk guy and a drunk guy get into a fight.
Yeah.
Oh, of course.
And it's always over who knows what.
No, it's who knows what it's over.
You'll never... You bumped into him.
He spilled a drink. You looked at his girl too long.
You talked to somebody he knows, you know, whatever.
Somebody that you know said something fucked up to one of his friends.
All it is though is that when I look at somebody
and they look at me now, I have a lot more points
to work with than just my brain.
Right.
I always try to deter the situation.
Of course.
I don't know if I've ever seen anybody ever.
But if somebody hits me in the head,
now...
You have to.
You have to what?
You have to fight then, man.
Well, yeah. Well, I have to stop them from hitting me again.
That's what I have to do.
I'm not looking to fight.
I'm looking to isolate this person and neutralize him.
Exactly.
And get him on the ground.
Because what do they always teach us at the end of...
I'm just using the old 1800s terminology.
Push him away.
You know what I mean?
So if you knee him in the face and kick him in the groin,
you fucking...
Paralyze him. You still push him away.
Yeah, you push him away and then you give yourself space
if anybody else comes at you.
That's what it is.
Or find the exit.
Which I'm a huge fan of.
Yeah.
But now cameras and shit, they get your license plate.
But if you're not the first person to attack, then you're fine.
That's just how the law goes.
Yeah.
What if you suspect someone's going to attack though?
Huh? You're a mind reader now?
I guess it's got to be under attack only.
Yeah, Duras.
What if they're fucking coming swinging and punching at you?
That's called an attack, Larry.
I mean, what else do you need them to do
shit and piss on you?
You know.
No, I don't know because I don't know what you just said.
You said some guy comes at you swinging and punching.
That's an attack.
So then you can do...
Mary better not be smoking on my heaters.
I know that's what she's doing.
They're fucking gone, man.
So then that's what they...
Then it's open season.
You can just break his legs and do all that good shit then.
Gouches eyes out.
If you don't throw the first punch and somebody attacks you,
you have to defend yourself.
You saw hammer fists and fucking neck punches and...
Seat belt.
Remember the seat belt?
Lock the arm up, put the hand behind the neck,
pull the neck forward to your knees.
Smashes face.
Two knees to the face and then elbow to the ear.
Behind the hammer.
And that's it, baby.
And then a hammer on the way down to the back of the neck.
Listen, we're not fighters.
We had two classes in Krav Maga.
But at the same time, it's a team...
It's hilarious.
It's a team building experience.
We should probably claim this on our taxes.
See, you know how we have an LLC?
There you go.
You put it on your taxes because I don't need to...
I don't need to...
You don't have a job.
I mean, you're a sugar baby summer.
Soon it's gonna be sugar baby fall.
Whatever.
Yeah, I mean, what do you put on your W-2?
Nothing.
You have no income.
Seriously, it says zero on it.
Dude, you should try to claim your weed fucking.
I don't do anything like that.
You get receipts every time you buy weed.
Yeah.
You get receipts for this.
Can you sign your name?
We're not doing that, man.
You're not doing that because you're...
I mean, what else are you doing?
No.
Just sitting around playing guitar.
No, I just don't need them start looking into my shit
just because we claim some dumb thing.
And then all of a sudden, they want to start
looking at the inner workings of my shit.
Larry, you don't have a job.
You don't claim taxes.
What are they gonna look into?
That old stoner that smokes weed
and plays guitar and
is trying to fucking do Krav Maga.
I mean, this guy is
the least threat we know.
That's exactly
the kind of person they want to fucking come after, bro.
That's what you want to sleep ourselves.
That's exactly
what you're talking about right there.
That's exactly what they fucking...
What?
Well, come after. Someone like me.
Just because, you know.
Well, it's usually
you have to sort of give them some red flag.
I mean, you'd have something to say to them.
Yeah, the first red flag
is trying to claim Krav Maga
on your taxes.
Fucking more.
That would be great.
I'm definitely gonna do that.
That's why he said, that's why he said
do it on your taxes.
First of all, it's not even your real name.
I mean, I'm gonna claim Larry Jones.
Good luck tracking him down.
Okay, whatever.
He's a Caribbean.
I mean, I could just point him to you,
but then we wouldn't have a show anymore.
Yeah, okay. Thanks, pal.
You're welcome, Larry.
What a great guy.
You want to do your head list? Do you still got it or no?
Um...
Yeah.
I got it.
All right.
First of all,
I wanted to see
at
Tom's
free clinic. Oh, man.
They have, they had
a special going on.
You couldn't just say the names first, could you?
Okay, I'll say the names.
No way, now you're in a Tom's ad.
So, I mean, don't disparage Tom.
And, uh...
I forgot what it was, man.
I'm so stuck with it.
The vaccines?
Yes.
That's what I was.
I knew it was something.
Because they wanted me to talk about this
very important thing. Who wanted you to talk about this?
Tom's.
Tom's free clinic. They said,
if you want me to keep paying for the studio time
for this stupid fucking podcast, Larry,
and see what I tell you.
And so here's, you know...
You totally conformed to Tom.
Oh, I mean, you want to keep the, uh...
show going.
You've got to get the steel real hot to make it bend, right?
He doesn't make us...
This is the only thing he does.
He never makes us alter what we say.
Do you think he's thermite?
Tom has no input on our content whatsoever.
Did Tom sell thermite?
I don't know.
Okay, well, maybe we should find that out.
Keep going.
Anyways, at Tom's, they have a...
There's a...
You could get a free...
Vaccine?
Special vaccine.
The vaccine special.
And it's a vaccine special.
And it's made by Tom's.
And, uh...
In the auto shop, the veterinarian or the human part?
Well...
Wait, what?
Oh, where did they make the vaccines?
In the auto shop for the veterinarian or the human part?
They, uh...
Coordined off a little section in the garage
and they swept it up and cleaned it really good.
Yeah, well, they moved the tire machine...
That's not that much room over there.
They moved the tire machine a little bit.
I mean, where did they get to move the parts cleaner?
That's Tom's fucking worries.
I don't know.
It's really not. If he's making vaccines,
then Tom should be able to have a little bit more cleanliness.
I'm sure Tom's going to pass
all the stringent...
FDA regulations.
Yeah, all the regulations, all the testing.
Well, I dropped off the first batch.
It was 25 pallets of mountain water.
And then Tom said he was going to put
a little yellow dye in them
and then we were just going to make 50 bucks a pop.
I said,
Tom, that's illegal.
I don't think Tom fucking rolls like that.
He's a straight-up fucking company.
That was a fictitious scenario I made up.
He doesn't lead anybody astray
in the doctor's office
or in the automotive department.
Also...
What?
You know what Tom said?
What?
You know what Tom's selling?
N95 masks.
Oh, yeah.
They're N93, but don't worry.
They're just as good.
No, 95.
Because the higher numbers, the higher, so it makes you feel safer.
Mm-mm.
All right, no shirt, Nick.
Fuck, I almost fell.
Fuck.
No shirt, Nick, man.
What's up?
Matt Ross.
No filter, Frank.
Hascola, Zodiac.
Chrissy,
Becky, Tiffany,
Luann,
Sherry,
Jay, Clara,
Hela, Helena,
Harmony,
of course, Mary,
and only fans, girls, of course,
and I already talked about that.
You've got a rash on your little pussy cat.
Call Tom's free clinic.
Yeah,
so we already mentioned Tom's.
I know, but I had to come over to the jingle.
I would, we would wait.
I guess that is part of the deal.
That is the only thing Tom's makes us do ever.
We never...
That's what we're contractually obligated to do.
But we never...
Jingle every time.
That's it, but we never have to, you know,
like if we want to talk about something,
even if it's against, say,
God's code?
No, I never
talk about anything like that, man.
No, you know, even if it's
against, say, the
abortion thing
or the car...
car fixing scams or anything like that,
we can talk about anything like that.
Any of the businesses that Tom's
is affiliated with,
if we, you know,
find a scandal, we're still going to talk about it.
There's a scandal of Bruna Tom's?
No, I'm saying if there was...
I mean, I hope they don't mix
the puppies and the fetuses together.
You know, if there was a car,
if there was a big car scandal going on right now,
we would report that.
We could always do Tom's 3 clinic,
no fetus will beat us.
That's horrible.
That's why you're fucking sick.
I feel fine.
Yeah.
I'm gonna wrap this bitch up.
Alright.
Thanks for tuning in.
Needles, I want to apologize for Needles
over there. You should apologize
for elbow me in the fucking back of the neck
the other day. That's what you apologize for.
Sorry, Needles. In the kitchen in front of
fucking Mary. Sorry, brother.
I won't do that again.
Thanks. I'll go...
25%
Yeah.
I wasn't like I went full
ass though. Dude, you elbowed
me in the back of the neck.
50%
Not even. Bullshit, I said
ow, Larry. You're like, oh, I'm sorry
as soon as you did it.
Shit, man.
Oh, you don't realize your old man strength.
Yeah. You know, that's why they don't allow
you around the playground. Just throwing
children around.
Ah, man. That's your kink.
I don't want to touch him. I just want to throw him around.
Anyways,
Needles is still a pervert and
have a great night.
That's your shape. Thank you for your
okay. It's not a legend.
It's fact. That's your shape.
He's so used to be
he's so used to being in court.
Talk to my attorney. Exactly.
I want to thank everybody for tuning in
and to have a great fucking day
and I'm Larry. And I'm Needles. Peace.
Love you, Larry.