1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:17,640 Welcome to the NICU Dad Podcast, a podcast for NICU dads by NICU dads. 2 00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:23,060 I'm Alex Zavala, a father to two preemie girls, Mia who was born at 30 weeks and Emerson 3 00:00:23,060 --> 00:00:25,280 who was born at 27 weeks. 4 00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:29,040 Combined my wife Jen and I both spent over 100 days in the NICU. 5 00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:32,440 After my last NICU experience, I started the NICU Dad. 6 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:37,560 I did this to try and fill the gap of information and support that was lacking for NICU dads. 7 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:42,480 Be sure and check out thenicudad.com and hopefully you will find it a useful resource. 8 00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:46,920 In this podcast, we will cover many topics that NICU parents face, but from the NICU 9 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:48,680 dads perspective. 10 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:54,200 Topics such as premature birth, bereavement, PTSD, and many others. 11 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:59,360 These dads who you'll hear share their stories in hope of letting other NICU dads know they 12 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:07,720 are not alone. 13 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,400 In today's episode, we'll be speaking with Dan Miller. 14 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:14,520 Dan is a financial coach with Three Buckets Wealth Management based out of upstate New 15 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:15,520 York. 16 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:19,920 He is an avid reader, Mets fan, and a board member of the local Ronald McDonald House 17 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:20,920 Charities. 18 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:25,600 Most importantly, he's a husband to his wife, Lindsay, and the proud father of Benny, a 19 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,120 premature baby born on Christmas Day 2019. 20 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:33,680 Hey Dan, I just want to thank you for being on here and being brave enough to share your 21 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:36,240 story with us and your NICU experience. 22 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:38,000 We really appreciate it. 23 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:43,480 And if you don't mind, if you want to go ahead and get started and tell us about your NICU 24 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:48,880 experience and probably from that early pregnancy and how things were going for you. 25 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:49,880 Sure, Alex. 26 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:50,880 Yeah. 27 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,800 Thank you for having me. 28 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:56,440 I will like to start by thanking you for everything you're doing. 29 00:01:56,440 --> 00:02:01,880 I do remember pretty early in our NICU experience being on Google looking for some resources 30 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,640 on NICU parenting or what to do. 31 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:09,760 And I did find your blog and your Instagram is really the only resource out there for 32 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:10,760 NICU dad. 33 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:16,640 So thank you for being here and happy to be a small part of the podcast today. 34 00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:17,640 Appreciate it. 35 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:18,640 Yeah. 36 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,680 So we started at the beginning, our story. 37 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,680 My wife found out she was pregnant. 38 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:28,240 And at the same time, we found out in the ultrasound that there was something in her 39 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:34,360 uterus called a fibroid, which we became experts on. 40 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,480 Basically they are fibroid is a cyst. 41 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,000 And we were told this would be no big deal. 42 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,680 And that actually fibroids are very common. 43 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:49,000 We came to find out that a woman walking down the street might have five or six of these 44 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,000 fibroids. 45 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:55,400 They're usually the size of a pea and really cause no problems. 46 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,480 You wouldn't even know they were there. 47 00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,960 But unfortunately, my wife's fibroid grew, which is a little uncommon. 48 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:07,200 So as we kept going to the doctors for our routine ultrasounds, they kept noticing that 49 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:11,200 the fibroid was getting larger and larger and larger. 50 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:15,920 Towards the end of her pregnancy, this cyst was the size of a grapefruit. 51 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:23,520 So our son was really fighting for some real estate and was out of room there in the uterus. 52 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:27,760 So through this process, we were transferred to a high risk team. 53 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:31,320 We had to move our care to a different hospital. 54 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:37,480 And we were being seen by the high risk surgeon who developed a plan that we were comfortable 55 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:41,760 with for the birth. 56 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:48,440 The plan was we were going to go in for ultrasounds every week as we got closer to her due date, 57 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:53,160 which was the end of February, because we wanted to make sure two things happened. 58 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:59,600 We wanted to make sure that the birth, the C-section, happened before he went into labor 59 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:03,700 because the fibroid, the cyst, was blocking the birth canal. 60 00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:09,000 So if he attempted to a traditional birth, he would be stuck here. 61 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,200 And they were concerned about his breathing and his vitals. 62 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:15,960 You know, traditional labor was not an option here. 63 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:21,600 And the other concern was the location of the fibroid, which we learned if the fibroid 64 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:27,280 would happen to be cut by accident in the C-section, there would be a major blood loss 65 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:30,400 and a major concern for my wife's life. 66 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,160 So two major concerns. 67 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:38,300 So it was really important that we schedule the C-section a couple weeks out from the 68 00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:40,080 due date. 69 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,440 The pregnancy was very tough. 70 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,840 This fibroid caused a lot of pain. 71 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:52,160 My wife was really in pain the second trimester. 72 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:56,080 We kind of joked she had a quote unquote easy first trimester. 73 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,960 There was no morning sickness or anything like that. 74 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:03,840 And we, I should say, I made light of that and said, oh, this pregnancy thing is a walk 75 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:04,840 in the park. 76 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:11,640 Unfortunately, things took a turn there and she had a very difficult and painful second 77 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,440 trimester. 78 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,240 She was hospitalized a few times. 79 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:20,880 We spent a week in the hospital with the fibroid pain. 80 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,680 So this continued. 81 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:25,880 And unfortunately, with this fibroid pain, obviously, when she's pregnant, there's not 82 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,040 a lot they can do. 83 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:32,680 They couldn't give her much pain medicine because she's pregnant, obviously. 84 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:36,680 And of course, they couldn't remove the fibroid or do much about it. 85 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:41,320 So the medical advice was, unfortunately, you just kind of have to deal with this pain 86 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,200 and get through it. 87 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:49,560 So one of the last kind of hospitalization and ultrasounds we had, they gave my wife 88 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:51,720 a premature birth test. 89 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:57,060 I guess there's a protein that they can test for and that came back negative. 90 00:05:57,060 --> 00:06:02,440 So about a week prior to her inevitably giving birth, we were convinced that premature birth 91 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:10,040 was not happening and that this pain was 100% fibroid related pain and she was not in labor. 92 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:14,240 So that was the mindset that we had going into a Christmas Eve party. 93 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:22,400 So Christmas Eve, we go to my parents' house for Christmas gathering and my wife's in some 94 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,400 pain. 95 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,560 She's uncomfortable. 96 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:26,840 We now know this was labor. 97 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:32,200 But again, that was not on our radar and not what we thought was even possible. 98 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:39,120 My 97-year-old grandmother pulled my wife aside and told her that, she goes, oh, honey, 99 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:41,000 you look tired. 100 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:45,080 So that was her way of saying, something's not right here. 101 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,620 My poor wife is having a tough time. 102 00:06:47,620 --> 00:06:50,480 So we go home and the pain gets worse and worse and worse. 103 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:54,760 And I've heard this on your podcast by a few other guests. 104 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:59,440 You start to realize something's not right and there's actually a problem here. 105 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,360 So fast forward a couple hours and my wife has had enough. 106 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:05,200 She really can't deal with this anymore. 107 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:09,640 We call the hospital and they tell us to come on in and they'll treat her for the pain. 108 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,440 They'll see what they can do for the pain. 109 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,240 They'll do something. 110 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:19,080 So we do not pack our bag that we have prepared because again, this is not labor. 111 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,080 Right? 112 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,080 Yeah. 113 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:22,080 You have the test. 114 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,080 Yeah. 115 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:24,080 We're convinced. 116 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:26,780 And we head out. 117 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,600 Now it's Christmas morning, maybe around 2 a.m. 118 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,680 We're the only car on the highway. 119 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:34,280 Nope, nothing behind us, nothing ahead of us. 120 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,400 We're to get off the highway. 121 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,240 We're the only car in the city streets. 122 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:44,560 And actually right before we get off the highway, my wife's water breaks, which was a very alarming, 123 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:45,560 scary thing. 124 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:48,680 And at that point, we didn't even know what that means. 125 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:49,680 Right? 126 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:55,200 So we run into the emergency room now fully panicked and are quickly brought up to the 127 00:07:55,200 --> 00:08:00,240 labor and delivery floor where we're told we do not have any time to call the high risk 128 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:05,120 surgeon who of course is not there being it's Christmas morning, 3 o'clock in the morning 129 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:06,320 now. 130 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,240 We don't have time to do that ultrasound to check where the fibroid is. 131 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:10,240 We got to go right now. 132 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,240 We got to go now. 133 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,240 We got to go now. 134 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,240 Right? 135 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:16,520 So really out of a movie, we're running beside the stretcher. 136 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:19,640 My wife's signing forms and it's a full sprint. 137 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:27,360 I'm throwing the scrubs on and we head into the emergency ultrasound emergency C section. 138 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,800 So I'm sitting by my wife's head. 139 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:36,480 There's the big curtain here blocking the view as they perform the emergency surgery. 140 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:44,480 And the two doctors there save my wife's life and give life to my son, which was absolutely 141 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:48,960 incredible. 142 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,040 Something before it comes to mind about a movie, right? 143 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:54,640 It's almost like this is happening to someone else. 144 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,160 You're kind of just watching all this happen. 145 00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,680 There's not enough time to even process what's going on. 146 00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:02,680 You're just kind of in it, right? 147 00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:07,120 But my only experience, this is our first son, our first child. 148 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:13,960 My only experience with any direct childbirth of any kind is from a movie or TV shows, right? 149 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:20,040 And what happens in those scenarios is the wife smiles, the music changes, you hear the 150 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:23,640 baby crying and the baby is given to the mother. 151 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,120 Baby's laying on the mother's chest, right? 152 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,360 And everything's good. 153 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,920 And that didn't happen here. 154 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:32,120 The room was silent. 155 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:35,800 Our son was not breathing. 156 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:36,800 You could hear a pin drop. 157 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,440 We just kind of froze. 158 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:42,960 The NICU staff, however, was in the operating room. 159 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,160 I didn't know it at the time. 160 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:48,920 All of a sudden this whole crew of people had been behind me the whole time. 161 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:56,000 The NICU staff, they take our son and they very quickly leave the room. 162 00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:00,400 They go to an adjoining room and the door closes behind them. 163 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:05,320 And if I kind of move my, shift my weight, if I move to the right, I can kind of get 164 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,520 a view of this door. 165 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:12,600 And the door has a glass vertical panel in it, a little window. 166 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,320 And through that window, I can see them looking down at my son. 167 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:22,280 I can see them breathing for him with the bag valve mask, forcing his lungs and getting 168 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,320 oxygen into him. 169 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:31,360 And what feels like maybe a half hour, you know, might have been a minute, but finally 170 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:35,080 we do hear him cry. 171 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:39,520 Prior to that, my wife was yelling, is he alive? 172 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,240 Is he alive? 173 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:45,160 And I was by her head saying, yes, yes, yes. 174 00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:48,520 Of course with no knowledge if that was accurate. 175 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:53,600 So hearing him scream gave us both an unbelievable sense of relief. 176 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:58,040 I'm sure my wife didn't believe me or trust my answer. 177 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:01,800 We had no idea what was going on, right? 178 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:10,440 So in a wonderful sense of relief, we're told that our son is going to be transported upstairs 179 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:16,680 to the NICU and we would be able to see him in a couple of hours. 180 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:22,840 My wife still having some complications from this emergency C-section and the fibroid. 181 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,920 She is obviously admitted to the hospital and she spends a couple days as a patient 182 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:30,800 and she's in recovery room for the next couple of hours. 183 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:37,720 So I'm allowed to go in by myself first and meet my son. 184 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:42,680 And walking into that NICU, into that room, it's quite an experience, right? 185 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:49,880 Anyone listening to this kind of knows that overwhelming sense where you don't know anything. 186 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,600 You don't even know what you don't know. 187 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:59,360 You're just kind of taken back by the weight of the situation, by the machinery, the beeping, 188 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:00,360 the incubator. 189 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,360 It's a very tough visual, right? 190 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:07,400 The first time you walk in that room, it's really something. 191 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:13,120 I remember just being shocked at how small he was, right? 192 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:17,760 And how every inch of him is covered in this equipment that you don't even know what it's 193 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,640 doing, right? 194 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:27,960 Prior to this, I had no understanding what a premature baby was. 195 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:33,880 I think I ignorantly thought the baby is born small and the baby grows, right? 196 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:39,400 I had no concept of the development and the challenges and the incubator services that 197 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,440 these NICUs provide, right? 198 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,840 So that was our Christmas morning. 199 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,320 Walked out into the lobby now. 200 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:53,880 Maybe it was five or six or so in the morning by the time I went out there and both my parents 201 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,600 and my in-laws were there. 202 00:12:55,600 --> 00:13:00,700 A few hours later, our brothers and sisters and our nieces arrived and our whole family 203 00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:07,240 had a Christmas morning breakfast in the NICU's lobby where we would spend the next month. 204 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:08,240 Wow. 205 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,240 What a Christmas. 206 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:12,240 Yeah. 207 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:13,240 Yeah. 208 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,240 Yeah. 209 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:19,880 When that first morning, you spend some time with the doctors. 210 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:25,440 They went through an explanation to me, of course, of all these moving parts and what 211 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:33,320 each machine was doing and the oxygen and they kind of explain that EKG to you. 212 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:39,920 I remember asking every nurse or doctor who would come in, I remember asking, is he going 213 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:40,920 to be okay? 214 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:41,920 Is he going to be okay? 215 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,120 Is he going to be okay? 216 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:48,220 And Alex, you may know they don't answer that question. 217 00:13:48,220 --> 00:13:54,240 Maybe one they don't know or they can't tell you or maybe secondly, what does okay even 218 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:55,240 mean, right? 219 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:56,240 They can't answer that question. 220 00:13:56,240 --> 00:14:06,440 So I started asking, what should I be asking was my question because I realized you have 221 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:07,440 no idea of this process. 222 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:08,600 I don't even know where to begin. 223 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,720 So I started asking, what should I be asking you right now? 224 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:15,680 And I learned that was a good way simply to get them talking. 225 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:19,600 That answer seemed to be more timeline-based, which I really needed. 226 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:23,400 They would explain to me, okay, next we're going to do a brain scan. 227 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,400 After that, we're going to do this. 228 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,240 Or after that, we're going to increase the feeds. 229 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,280 After that, we're going to decrease the breathing. 230 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,280 Okay. 231 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:31,760 So what should I be asking? 232 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,560 And then I would follow that up with what else? 233 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:35,560 What else? 234 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:36,560 What else should I be asking? 235 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:37,880 What else do we need to know? 236 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,080 And I would keep asking that until they stopped talking, right? 237 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:45,720 But that was my way of getting the information out of them because that was the first couple 238 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,200 days you just didn't even know where to begin. 239 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,400 I didn't even know what to do. 240 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:51,080 Yeah, you're absolutely right. 241 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:58,760 I mean, it's almost, you could almost describe it as someone taking you and dropping you 242 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:05,360 in the middle of a country whose language you don't speak and you're just dropped in 243 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:09,360 there and you have to fend for yourself and understand it and pick it up as fast as you 244 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:18,520 can and get going for the sake of yourself and your family and your baby. 245 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:27,000 And it's kind of crazy too how fast we pick it up and understanding what things are. 246 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,000 Yeah, yeah. 247 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:33,120 Well, and to use your analogy, which I'll point out, there are interpreters. 248 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,240 There are people that can help you. 249 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:36,560 You just have to ask them, right? 250 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,120 Which that was another hurdle for me to get around. 251 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:44,560 I remember the first couple days I was turning my family down when they were asking to bring 252 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,520 dinner or to go do our laundry. 253 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,120 I was saying, no, no, no, we don't need anything. 254 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:50,120 No, no, we're okay. 255 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,120 We're okay. 256 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,880 Once they kind of settled that, oh, no, we're not going home tomorrow. 257 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:55,880 Right? 258 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,560 We're here for an extended period of time. 259 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:02,320 I started having to accept the fact that I'm going to have to take some help here. 260 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:03,320 Right? 261 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,960 So as a father, this is your first experience. 262 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,120 You think you're supposed to do it all. 263 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:09,400 You think you're supposed to take care of everything. 264 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,760 You learn real quickly. 265 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,880 You can't. 266 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,800 And probably unhealthy to even try. 267 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:15,800 Right? 268 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:20,800 So you need the help and as a man, obviously, I think that's hard to accept in some cases. 269 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,120 But the help is there. 270 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,360 There are resources and people. 271 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,400 Maybe it's your family. 272 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:27,400 Maybe it's your friends. 273 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,200 Maybe it's the services provided by the hospital. 274 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:30,200 Right? 275 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:35,600 But there are resources there to help us if we ask and speak up and then say yes and accept 276 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:36,600 them. 277 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:37,600 Absolutely. 278 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:44,160 I think you, I mean, that could be, and I mean, I'm just sitting here hearing everything 279 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:52,720 that I would like literally almost we have almost the same experiences on certain things. 280 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:57,840 Even with us having the test, they came back negative that we were good for two weeks. 281 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,320 But just yeah, what is that test? 282 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,320 Come on. 283 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,720 I think it's called an FFN test. 284 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:06,240 I forget all the time. 285 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:12,240 But I think for us as dads and being, you know, here you're going through the pregnancy 286 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:19,800 and you're waiting for that birth of your baby and then to be thrust into this nightmare 287 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:29,280 of a situation and then to, it's so hard, you know, to ask for help or even accept the 288 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,720 fact that you might need help, especially early on. 289 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,600 And I think you're absolutely right. 290 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:43,600 But you know, as advice, I think the earlier that you can understand that you need help 291 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:48,480 and that you're not going to get through this by yourself, the better. 292 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:52,960 You know, I know for me, I was stubborn and it took me a long time. 293 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:58,080 And you know, all that stuff weighs on you after a while as you know. 294 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:06,800 So you guys had baby was delivered, wife is recovering, baby's in the NICU. 295 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,040 What was that first week like for you? 296 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,800 Like what were you doing? 297 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,320 What were you thinking? 298 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:16,720 And how soon before you knew that your wife was going to be okay? 299 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:20,480 Because I mean, that stuff was pretty serious for her, right? 300 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:21,480 Yeah. 301 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:22,480 Yeah. 302 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:26,000 We knew very quickly that she was going to be okay. 303 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:32,200 There was another trip she did to the took to the ER, maybe the second week, she had 304 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,560 an infection and some complications, but they were minor. 305 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:40,720 So the life threat life and death situation with her was simply if something happened 306 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,040 in the surgery. 307 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,320 So she was going to be okay and she was fine. 308 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:52,360 There was a couple days obviously of recovery where she was, you know, on medication from 309 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:56,980 the procedure so unavailable at certain times. 310 00:18:56,980 --> 00:19:04,520 But our focus, our focus was primarily on our son from the first minute, right? 311 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:13,520 So thankfully she was available and okay and both of our primary focuses was our son. 312 00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:16,200 The first week though was a lot, right? 313 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,400 It's a lot of transition. 314 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:22,400 And on day four, my wife was discharged as a patient. 315 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:27,360 So day four, we realized, okay, we can't stay here in the hospital anymore, right? 316 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:33,800 She was sleeping in her room as a patient and I was sleeping in the NICU on that uncomfortable 317 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,800 couch. 318 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,480 So day four is when talk about taking help. 319 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:45,480 Day four is when we moved her into the Ronald McDonald House, which was right down the street 320 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:49,800 and provided an unbelievable service for us. 321 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:57,480 She was able to breast pump and keep the breast milk in the freezer at the house and shower 322 00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:03,320 and sleep and maybe get a hot meal a couple times a day and be at the hospital late at 323 00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:06,660 night and early in the morning because we didn't have to commute or travel. 324 00:20:06,660 --> 00:20:09,960 We had the Ronald McDonald House right there. 325 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:15,680 And I'll point out on taking help early in our, one of the first conversations my wife 326 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:24,440 and I had early in our NICU stay when she had to go upstairs to her patient room, she 327 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,200 told me, do not leave him. 328 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:32,600 So we agreed that I would spend every night in the NICU and she would spend most of the 329 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:37,520 days in the NICU and we have this kind of system worked out in weeks two, three, four. 330 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:42,600 So I didn't leave the NICU, you know, other than maybe some trips and some errands during 331 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:48,560 the day, but we were with him for the entire 30 days. 332 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:54,940 So looking back on it now, I think that might have been a mistake. 333 00:20:54,940 --> 00:21:01,880 There are signs all over the NICU telling you to go home, to rest. 334 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:06,680 There's a sign in our room that said, this is not a hotel, do not sleep here. 335 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,960 And I did for 30 days, I didn't leave. 336 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,840 And you get some weird looks from the nurses like, what are you doing here? 337 00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:14,840 Right? 338 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:18,960 And I put sleep in quotation marks because, you know, as you know, every two hours the 339 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:23,040 nurses are coming in for feedings and different things they have going on. 340 00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:30,120 So looking back on it probably would have been healthier to leave and get some rest 341 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:33,920 and unwind a little bit. 342 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:37,440 But we and I chose not to do that. 343 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:44,440 In the moment it was more important to me to be there because we had the means to. 344 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:45,440 We could. 345 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,920 I realized it was possible that I stay here this entire time. 346 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:50,520 Again, this was our first child. 347 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,360 We didn't have another child at home. 348 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:55,480 We didn't have a dog at home. 349 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:59,480 I could take the time off of work, which was a wonderful blessing, right? 350 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:05,040 So because I was able to, I felt like I needed to and had to. 351 00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:09,040 And looking back on it now, I didn't need to. 352 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:15,360 So I would suggest any father in the NICU right now to not feel guilty if you got to 353 00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:22,040 go for a run and leave and go have a burger and leave and sleep at home and come back. 354 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,440 You need that time away. 355 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:24,640 Nothing wrong with that. 356 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:34,280 So you guys did a month in the NICU and were there any complications or anything like that 357 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,520 during that month with either your wife or the baby? 358 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:43,680 No, other than, again, my wife had a little infection the second week and a fever. 359 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,920 So she was back in the emergency room for a day. 360 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:52,760 Our son thankfully had a minor little setback when they decreased his oxygen. 361 00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:58,600 The vitals didn't jive well and they had to increase the oxygen, a couple of minor things 362 00:22:58,600 --> 00:22:59,600 like that. 363 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:03,160 But very thankfully, the brain scans were positive. 364 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,840 He did a great job gaining weight. 365 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:13,000 So he went from three pounds to five pounds, a little over five pounds, and we were discharged. 366 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:21,000 So over the course of the 30 days, the staff, my wife and my son did a great job of increasing 367 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:25,080 the feedings, decreasing the medical support, right? 368 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:31,160 And it all kind of worked out smoothly for us to be discharged 30 days later. 369 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,560 We went home at the end of January. 370 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:37,360 So let me ask you something. 371 00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:44,800 And I see now that you've seen where maybe not sleeping in the NICU for that entire time 372 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:49,320 might have been not the best decision. 373 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:50,640 What was that like coming home? 374 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:55,520 How tired were you once you got home? 375 00:23:55,520 --> 00:24:04,000 And also too, what was that feeling like leaving the NICU and knowing you're taking this baby 376 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,600 home and there's not a NICU staff there? 377 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:08,600 Yeah. 378 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:09,600 Yeah. 379 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,920 Well, I'll point out this weekend is Mother's Day. 380 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:16,000 So I can't say I'm the only person that was tired. 381 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,400 My wife also didn't sleep for those 30 days, right? 382 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,520 So yeah, we took that drive home from the NICU. 383 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,360 We drove home very slowly. 384 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:28,360 Probably the slowest we've ever driven, right? 385 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:34,640 My wife sat in the back seat and we double checked that car seat 10 times before we headed 386 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:37,760 out of there. 387 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,480 Certainly was scary, right? 388 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:47,040 We were confident and comfortable, but the NICU staff did do a great job of in the last, 389 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:51,680 only the last week that we were there, they increased our responsibility, right? 390 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:53,840 So we were holding him more for the feeds. 391 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:59,040 We were doing all of the changing of the diapers, right? 392 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:04,480 Not that it was training or any great example of what life will actually be like, but we 393 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:09,240 did feel comfortable that we could do this, right? 394 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:14,440 But yeah, going home, starting day one after not sleeping for a month, not the easiest 395 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:18,680 thing in the world, but we figured it out, right? 396 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:24,040 And that's kind of my other takeaway is you adapt, you figure it out. 397 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:30,000 If we could get through a month in the NICU, we could get through a month at home is certainly 398 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,860 easier, right? 399 00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:33,680 Certainly less stressful, right? 400 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,000 So I leaned on my wife, she leaned on me. 401 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:41,920 We both kind of watched our son and he taught us a lot, right? 402 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:46,100 And I hope obviously that we helped him get out of there. 403 00:25:46,100 --> 00:25:53,480 So we really walked out of there feeling confident and comfortable and like we just really accomplished 404 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:54,480 something, right? 405 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:58,440 Getting out of that place is a huge accomplishment. 406 00:25:58,440 --> 00:25:59,440 You did it. 407 00:25:59,440 --> 00:26:00,440 You made it out. 408 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:01,440 Absolutely. 409 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:06,980 And so you celebrate the victory. 410 00:26:06,980 --> 00:26:10,800 What was it like being at home coming down? 411 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,440 You guys were getting out in January. 412 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:18,560 Of course, there's some things that we have to be careful with, especially with the new 413 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,760 NICU baby coming home. 414 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:23,360 What was that like for you guys that first year or so? 415 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:29,220 Yeah, so it was a little interesting in that obviously COVID was a factor here, right? 416 00:26:29,220 --> 00:26:32,360 So everyone is affected by COVID. 417 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,440 I know we're not unique to that situation. 418 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:37,780 But yes, we came home end of January. 419 00:26:37,780 --> 00:26:44,080 We were more or less in quarantine because it was flu season and the NICU staff told 420 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:49,680 us not to do anything and not to go anywhere for the month of February and March. 421 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:54,040 And then the whole world caught up to us and started doing this quarantine thing, right? 422 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:57,680 So it was back to back. 423 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:02,320 Obviously the two-week quarantine here in New York turned into quite a bit longer than 424 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:03,320 that. 425 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,800 So that was wild, right? 426 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:08,840 Our parents, that was our support system. 427 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:15,680 All of a sudden they weren't around for a while as we were locked down with COVID. 428 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:18,640 And that was a scary situation. 429 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:21,920 It was almost like what else can happen to us, right? 430 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:22,920 We just got out of here. 431 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:26,000 We were finally looking forward to being able to show our son off and have him meet our 432 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,000 family. 433 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:32,400 And then the wool was pulled out from underneath us a little bit. 434 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,920 But again, another example, we got through it. 435 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:43,000 Now things here locally are pretty much opened back up and our son is almost a year and a 436 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,960 half now and happy and healthy. 437 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:47,960 And so are we. 438 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:53,360 So another accomplishment that we're very happy about. 439 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:54,800 That's great. 440 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:55,800 Absolutely. 441 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:59,960 So what has life been like for you guys? 442 00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:06,400 Obviously, you understand everything that you've gone through and all that you've accomplished 443 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,800 with your son, with Benny, right? 444 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:10,800 Benjamin? 445 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:11,800 Yep. 446 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:19,360 And so you and Lindsay, what's it been like for you guys, let's say life after the NICU? 447 00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:20,400 Yeah. 448 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:24,000 So I will point out that it's a challenge, right? 449 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:32,040 I mean, when you have this traumatic stress happen to you, I've kind of realized maybe 450 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:39,200 even in the last couple of weeks is well, Alex, just because I had a premature child 451 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:42,080 in no way means I know what your experience was like. 452 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:46,280 You and I, although maybe they're similar, we had very different experiences and we're 453 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,960 going to walk out of those experiences being different, right? 454 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:51,320 I don't know what it was like for you. 455 00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:54,360 I know what it was like for me, right? 456 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:57,340 And what I realized is my wife had a different experience. 457 00:28:57,340 --> 00:29:02,740 So even within our marriage, we walked out of the NICU having different experiences. 458 00:29:02,740 --> 00:29:07,520 She felt very differently, obviously, through the pregnancy and the connection with her 459 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:11,040 son and I had a completely different experience. 460 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:16,200 So the stressors are different. 461 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:18,280 What each other needs is different, right? 462 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:22,920 The support that I need is different than the support that she needs. 463 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:28,040 And what we had to work on and realize is how can we give that to each other? 464 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:32,620 How can we support each other respecting what the person had just been through? 465 00:29:32,620 --> 00:29:37,920 So a little bit of an adjustment period as we kind of figured out, you know, we transitioned, 466 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:38,920 right? 467 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:42,320 We became we went from husband and wife to a mom and dad, right? 468 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:48,320 So we have a different relationship now and we had an experience that was very unique 469 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:55,920 for each other that we had to adjust and be able to give our partner what they need to 470 00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:58,360 get by to get through it. 471 00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:02,320 Yeah, that's super important. 472 00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:07,400 You that's I can't that's that's really important, man. 473 00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:14,380 I know it's hard and I see it in NICU parents in the relationships, you know, whether it's 474 00:30:14,380 --> 00:30:20,280 on the mom side or the dad side, you know, we all deal with trauma in a different way 475 00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:23,920 and some of us completely different. 476 00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:29,200 And so it's very hard for us, especially when you're going through it, to understand what 477 00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:32,160 your partner might be going through also. 478 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:36,240 And sometimes you see relationships get stronger from a NICU stay. 479 00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:38,760 Sometimes you see that, you know, things get worse. 480 00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:44,720 But it's it's really hard and it's so important if you can just understand that for each other 481 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:48,800 that, you know, we all handle it differently. 482 00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:55,800 And you know, yeah, it's I'm so glad you said that because it's it's something that well, 483 00:30:55,800 --> 00:31:00,840 even on on this end, you know, for us being NICU dads that we don't talk about, you know. 484 00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:01,840 Yeah. 485 00:31:01,840 --> 00:31:06,320 I think and that's probably 80 percent of it is is talking about how you actually feel 486 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:08,920 or even knowing what you actually feel. 487 00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:09,920 Right. 488 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:13,600 So personal experience, I was shoving everything down, everything, everything's fine, everything's 489 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:14,600 fine, everything's fine. 490 00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:15,600 He's OK. 491 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:16,600 He's OK. 492 00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:17,600 Everything's fine. 493 00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:18,600 Right. 494 00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:21,200 But maybe maybe I am worried. 495 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:22,200 Maybe I am concerned. 496 00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,400 Maybe I actually need this and this. 497 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:28,400 And therefore, I need to work a little bit on giving her what she needs. 498 00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:29,400 Right. 499 00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:33,640 And being open and honest and vulnerable and having conversations. 500 00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:39,160 Not not doesn't come easy to dads or men in general. 501 00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:40,160 Right. 502 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:43,760 So if you can, that's that's very important as well, for sure. 503 00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:44,760 Yeah. 504 00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:45,760 Super important. 505 00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:51,080 So, you know, a lot of times we go through the NICU stay. 506 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:53,720 We have life after the NICU. 507 00:31:53,720 --> 00:32:01,360 And for for some, there's you're so grateful, I guess, for all the help that you did get. 508 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:09,080 And you see there's a want sometimes to give back and help others and and do some volunteer 509 00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:13,040 stuff and things like that, especially around the NICU. 510 00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:14,560 You guys are involved in some stuff. 511 00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:16,520 What can you tell us about that? 512 00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:17,520 Yeah. 513 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:18,520 Yeah. 514 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:23,920 I just recently became a board member of our local Ronald McDonald House. 515 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:27,840 The Ronald McDonald House was really wonderful for our family. 516 00:32:27,840 --> 00:32:32,240 So we have a few different projects working on. 517 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:38,120 We have we were cooking meals for the house and for the guests there, which obviously 518 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,200 became a problem with covid. 519 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:44,760 So we're really back to the drawing board now as things are opening up and trying to 520 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:49,040 figure out how best can we help in a post covid world. 521 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:50,840 A lot of things still aren't possible here. 522 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:56,640 But yeah, being volunteers and advocates for the Ronald McDonald House is going to be a 523 00:32:56,640 --> 00:33:01,360 big focus of us in in 2021 and in the future. 524 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,600 Yeah, that's that's amazing. 525 00:33:04,600 --> 00:33:10,560 So I've our family, my family also is an ambassador family for the Ronald McDonald House. 526 00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:18,720 And can you describe what your experience might have been without the Ronald McDonald 527 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:21,720 House? 528 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:23,520 Yeah, certainly a lot different. 529 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:27,920 So we live about an hour away from the hospital. 530 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:32,680 So without my wife being a minute away from the hospital, you know, would have added an 531 00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:36,520 hour at the beginning and end to each day would have been a problem for transporting 532 00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:38,360 the breast milk. 533 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:41,360 It would have made every single thing harder. 534 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:47,840 I also think without the Ronald McDonald House, my wife would have left the hospital at five 535 00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:50,360 or six p.m. instead of 10 p.m. 536 00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:51,360 Right. 537 00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:56,000 And she would have got to the hospital at 11 a.m. instead of 8 a.m. 538 00:33:56,000 --> 00:34:01,760 And it was really important to us that we be next to the incubator and with him as much 539 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:02,760 as possible. 540 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:09,520 I think that the amount of time that we spent in the NICU is why he was discharged at 30 541 00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:10,920 days and not 60 days. 542 00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:16,040 I don't know if that's medically true, but that's how I feel. 543 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:21,000 So without the Ronald McDonald House, we're there half the amount of time that we were. 544 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:24,880 So the Ronald McDonald House gave us the opportunity. 545 00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:29,500 It made it possible for us to do what we felt like we had to do. 546 00:34:29,500 --> 00:34:32,680 So it made us our job of being parents. 547 00:34:32,680 --> 00:34:35,360 The Ronald McDonald House made it possible. 548 00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:40,760 I'll also add we have and we're lucky to have an amazing family. 549 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:47,180 We had our sisters cooking us lunch and dinner and doing our laundry and helping. 550 00:34:47,180 --> 00:34:50,800 There was many guests at the Ronald McDonald House that did not have that because they 551 00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:55,240 were from out of town or certainly didn't have the support there. 552 00:34:55,240 --> 00:34:59,000 And the volunteers of the Ronald McDonald House and the donations stepped up and filled 553 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:00,400 that void. 554 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:06,560 So the Ronald McDonald House provides a great service for everyone and makes the situation 555 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,440 10 times, 100 times better. 556 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:10,440 Absolutely. 557 00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:13,000 I totally agree with you 100%. 558 00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:17,400 I don't think people... 559 00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:21,080 It's almost unimaginable unless you go through it. 560 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:23,600 I mean, and even then, it's... 561 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:33,480 I don't even think you can put it really into words on the credit of what they do and how 562 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:39,400 important it is for us NICU parents or kids that are having surgeries and stuff in the 563 00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:40,400 hospital. 564 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:41,400 Yeah. 565 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:43,960 And there's volunteers there around the clock, 24-7. 566 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:52,160 There's volunteers, which again, a year ago, a year and a half ago, I didn't know it existed. 567 00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:56,640 I've been to McDonald's my fair share of times and I used to never throw the change in the 568 00:35:56,640 --> 00:35:57,840 Ronald McDonald House jar. 569 00:35:57,840 --> 00:35:59,600 I will admit, I didn't do it. 570 00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:02,040 It wasn't on my radar. 571 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:06,400 And now I go to McDonald's too much and I do put the change in the jar. 572 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:07,400 Absolutely. 573 00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:09,920 We owe them quite a bit. 574 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:10,920 Yeah. 575 00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:15,520 It's a completely different feeling now when you go and you almost feel a little connection 576 00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:19,000 anytime you step into a McDonald's, you're like, this is part of us. 577 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,000 This is... 578 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:21,000 Right. 579 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,440 I wish it was a salad bar, but it's McDonald's. 580 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:26,720 So you got to do what you got to do. 581 00:36:26,720 --> 00:36:27,720 Yeah, exactly. 582 00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:35,440 So through this NICU experience and everything like that, that you saw and experienced, what 583 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:44,440 advice would you offer current NICU dads or even past NICU dads, that guy that's in there 584 00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:50,880 for the first day and also the guy that's been in there and is out now, what kind of 585 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:53,040 advice would you give them? 586 00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:54,040 Yeah. 587 00:36:54,040 --> 00:37:00,720 So there's the Ronald McDonald House family room in our NICU or there's a lobby or most 588 00:37:00,720 --> 00:37:06,040 hospitals I'm aware have some space for the family. 589 00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:10,920 My advice would be to talk to the other fathers, the other mothers, the other family members 590 00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:12,840 that are there. 591 00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:18,960 I remember the second or third day when we were in the hospital, my wife and I were hugged 592 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:26,760 by another mother who we came to found out later was dealing with a situation a lot more 593 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:28,360 challenging than ours. 594 00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:30,960 And she was hugging us and making us feel better. 595 00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:33,320 The parents rally and support each other. 596 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:39,520 So my advice would be to open up and you will be helped by talking to the other parents, 597 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:40,520 right? 598 00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:44,560 That team atmosphere, they are there, the parents need each other and can help each 599 00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:45,880 other. 600 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:50,440 My second piece of advice would be again, ask the doctors what should I be asking? 601 00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:51,880 You don't know what you don't know. 602 00:37:51,880 --> 00:37:54,080 What should I be asking? 603 00:37:54,080 --> 00:37:59,880 And then again, to bring it around, my last piece of advice would be go for a walk and 604 00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:00,880 leave. 605 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:02,880 Give yourself the time. 606 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:05,040 Yeah, absolutely. 607 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,600 That's one of the things we were talking about before is that self-care. 608 00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:12,480 And it really sounds like what you shouldn't be doing. 609 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:15,280 And I didn't do it. 610 00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:16,280 I should have. 611 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:18,440 Yeah, I didn't either. 612 00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:20,480 And let me ask you this. 613 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:29,640 So do you see anything that you carry around now from this experience that you notice or 614 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:34,920 you see and you're like, you know what, that's a NICU or that's something? 615 00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:42,000 Yeah, so a little bit, and this speaks to the COVID in general, I have a desire for 616 00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,040 there not to be any problems, right? 617 00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:50,080 I feel like we just got through a nightmare that I very much want to be over. 618 00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:55,600 So I think I'm not as patient as I should be with the challenge that life does throw 619 00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:56,600 at you, right? 620 00:38:56,600 --> 00:39:02,080 So I'm quick to go back to that high stress anxiety level of, well, we got a problem here. 621 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:03,080 I got to fix it. 622 00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:04,080 I got to fix it. 623 00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:05,080 I got to fix it. 624 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:06,080 Right? 625 00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:12,880 I shared with my wife a couple months ago, the microwave beeped and my heart rate jumped 626 00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:16,080 and I heard the NICU machine beeps, right? 627 00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:19,560 Just the microwave going off put me back there for a second, right? 628 00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:24,680 So again, whether you like to admit it or not, I think you walk out of that place a 629 00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:31,640 little different and taking the support from your wife or partner or family that are there 630 00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:36,920 to help you can help you immensely if you are open to it. 631 00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:37,920 Absolutely. 632 00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:39,080 That's awesome. 633 00:39:39,080 --> 00:39:40,080 Great advice. 634 00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:45,160 And you know, if the guy that slept in the NICU for 30 days tells you to get out and 635 00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:49,640 take a walk, you should get out and take a walk. 636 00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:52,480 Maybe not a long walk, but a little bit, a little bit. 637 00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:53,480 Yeah. 638 00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:58,120 You definitely got to take some time for yourself, especially once we get home. 639 00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:00,400 You know, a lot of that stress is on us. 640 00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:02,760 So a lot of guys don't realize that. 641 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:08,440 They just look at getting out of the NICU, but it's almost like you need to train for 642 00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:11,840 that time when you come home because it's not over once you get home. 643 00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:13,880 Yeah, the NICU is the preseason. 644 00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:19,040 You get home and that's when the actual dad work starts, right? 645 00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:20,600 Yes, absolutely. 646 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:21,600 Absolutely. 647 00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:25,520 If everybody would just focus on it like that, that would man, yeah, you want to definitely 648 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:26,960 be stronger once you get home. 649 00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:29,560 And I think we all do the exact opposite. 650 00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:36,520 For me, I've sleep deprived and we did 67 days in the NICU and it was rough. 651 00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:42,280 And knowing that and, you know, hearing this from guys that have been in it, take our advice 652 00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:46,240 guys, you know, if you're new NICU dad, take care of yourself. 653 00:40:46,240 --> 00:40:50,480 You know, your wife's going to need you, your baby's going to need you. 654 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:58,760 And you want to make sure that you're ready for that season of coming home because it's 655 00:40:58,760 --> 00:40:59,760 a lot of work. 656 00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:00,760 Absolutely. 657 00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:01,760 A lot of work. 658 00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:07,120 Well, Dan, I appreciate you sharing today and sharing your guys story. 659 00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:12,480 I'm so glad to hear that Benny's doing great and that you guys are have, you know, really 660 00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:16,480 bouncing back from being in the NICU and look forward to all the things that you guys are 661 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:17,480 doing. 662 00:41:17,480 --> 00:41:22,640 So glad you're working with Ronald McDonald House and, you know, such a great organization. 663 00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:24,040 But I can't thank you enough. 664 00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:25,040 Thank you, Alex. 665 00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:26,040 No, thank you. 666 00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:27,720 And again, I'll say it again. 667 00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:32,360 I found your content when I was in the NICU and you were the only voice for the NICU dad 668 00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:33,640 that I could find. 669 00:41:33,640 --> 00:41:36,440 So thank you for putting that all out there. 670 00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:38,760 And for this platform, you're doing a great job. 671 00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:39,760 Thank you. 672 00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:40,760 We appreciate it. 673 00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:43,640 Thank you for listening and thank you for your support. 674 00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:45,960 Once again, please take a look at the NICUdad.com. 675 00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:51,360 We continue to grow the list of resources we are bringing NICU dads to my fellow NICU 676 00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:52,360 dads. 677 00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:53,360 Good luck. 678 00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:57,920 And remember, you are not alone.