Welcome to the Nick you dad podcast, a podcast for Nick you
dads by Nick you dads. I'm Alex Zavala, a father to two preemie
girls via who was born at 30 weeks and Emerson who was born
in 27 weeks. Combined my wife Jen and I both spent over 100
days in the NICU. After my last NICU experience, I started the
Nick you dad. I did this to try and fill the gap of information
and support that was lacking for Nick you dads. Be sure and check
out the nick you dad.com and hopefully you will find it a
useful resource. In this podcast, we will cover many
topics that Nick you parents face but from the Nick you dad's
perspective, topics such as premature birth, bereavement,
PTSD, and many others. These dads who you'll hear share their
stories in hope of letting other Nick you dads know they are not
alone.
In this episode, we talked to Adam Wood. Adam is a retired
military leader and a first time author who lives in South Windsor,
Connecticut. He is the father of a 25 week old one pound four
ounce micro preemie named Brady who spent 135 days in the NICU
with his wife Jen wanting to give back to the NICU community
after his son had survived. Adam wrote and funded the upcoming
book our preemie adventures, which chronicles a journey he
and other premature families go through in the NICU. The book
uses humor, heartwarming moments and celebrates the milestones
these children achieve as they work towards going home. He
hopes the humor and shared experiences will allow families
to see the NICU a little less different and help to heal the
wounds. Along with writing the book, Adam currently works with
a variety of organizations to help premature families and sits
on the Family Advisory Council for his local Children's
Hospital. His goal is to bring the concept of preemie adventures
to be a mantra for all families to bond over. In today's
episode, we want to welcome Adam Wood. Adam, we really, really
appreciate you being on here today and, and sharing your
story with us.
Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. Well, you know,
our NICU journey was, you know, very unique, but it's also like
a lot of journeys that are out there. Our we went through prior
to the NICU, we went through about a year and a half of in
vitro to conceive. And part of the reason why we went through
in vitro was because my wife suffers from PKD, which is a
kidney disease, a genetic disorder, which causes cysts to
grow on her kidneys. And in fact, as a result of not only
is her disease, but the process of labor and everything that
she's gone through, and the NICU with our son, she's actually
on the kidney transplant list, because that the whole process
actually depleted her quite a bit. So we are actually going
through that as well. But we had gone through this whole process
in the hopes that potentially we could not pass that gene down
because my wife understood what that was her mom had gone
through it and had a transplant her uncles as well. And while
we wanted to have children, we wanted to try to avoid if we
could pass that gene down. So unfortunately, we went through
the process, we went to Yale, New Haven, and we went through
several miscarriages in that process. And we really weren't
able to alleviate finding the gene that was, you know,
responsible for that. But we still decided to go through with
the process with in vitro, and try to conceive through that
way. And we went through, like I said, you know, several
miscarriages, which was heartbreaking. And I know a lot
of moms out there and dads out there that end up having
preemies, usually a lot of them are going through in vitro and
other processes. So that adds on to their pain as well, the
whole process of getting there. And my wife has been with a
trooper throughout it. I mean, she really, really was the
strongest person I know. And to talk with her sometimes you
think that wouldn't be the case. And she's, you know, very
passive and very relaxed and doesn't like to be out in the
front at all. But I mean, she really was this warrior
throughout everything from the NICU and the whole the whole
lead up to it. We were finally able to, you know, have in
vitro worked and to be honest, it was pretty much at our last
point, we, we had gone through so many miscarriages, that we
were just like, maybe it's not meant to me, maybe we need to
adopt, you know, maybe there's something else that's telling
us we need to do with our lives. And, and our, you know, finally
we were able to go through and it worked. And my wife just was
amazing. She was driving two hours every day, twice a week,
up to Albany from Connecticut, getting her treatments, getting
lipids done to give her fat to help, you know, take, you know,
the process and going through all that, and doing all the
injections and I joke around, but if you ever have to give
injections, it's not the thing that you want to do your wife.
And she would come up with these like black and blues and things
like that. And I would look at her and say, please don't tell
people that I'm abusing you because it looked like I was like
hitting her and doing all this stuff. And she would laugh and
kind of smile at me, but she never really said she wouldn't.
So that was kind of a running joke with us. But we, we got
through that process. And we got to about 22 weeks. And then Jen
as a result of her kidney disease, developed very high
blood pressure. So she was in ICU at about 22 weeks, for about
a week. So we spent quite a bit of time there, talking with
doctors and all of them to learn about the process and whether or
not our son was okay, whether or not she was okay. So not only
were we struggling with her life, but his life at the same
time and wondering, this is our last chance and seeing it's kind
of slowly drift away was harder and harder with each day and
wondering if we would have to terminate to save her life. And
I know that she wanted it so so bad. And she wanted to be a mom
so so bad. And it's part of the reason why I married her is
because when I met her, I knew not only was she a great person,
but she would make the best mom in the world. Like she exudes
that mom spirit that I love you, I'll do anything for you. I'm
such a sweet mom. And that's one of the things I fell in love
with her and to see her go through this process. And to
break down and to cry and to go through all that pain. And
everything she went through to lead up was very hard to do it
as a as a man as a dad. And you're so helpless, there's
nothing you can do except be there, hold her hand and you
feel completely helpless in that situation. And, you know, we
got out of the hospital. And about a week and a half later,
we went back to a follow up appointment, we were just about
24 weeks or so. And the doctor, you know, said, Listen, you
know, he's tracking a little bit behind. We don't think he's
going to make it we may have to report. And my wife just broke
down, like she cried a crowd I've never heard before. And I
could just feel her body shaking as I'm trying to hold on to her
and to comfort her and to avoid the tears coming down my own
face because as a guy, you don't know if you should cry or not
cry. Do I do I feel that emotion with her? Or do I be stoic and
allow her to release on me and be there for her in that moment?
And it was just very hard balance one of the two. And I
remember looking at the doctor and pulling her aside and said,
don't you ever say that to her ever about aborting the baby
about any of that stuff. And as a result of that conversation
and the feedback, she ended up having to be admitted to the
hospital. Once again, and we were under observation and the
doctor said, Listen, we're going to try to get to 28 weeks that
meant her being in the hospital for a couple weeks at this point
now, she would have to be. And I remember we're like, okay, we're
gonna get to 28 weeks. And we were just past that 24 week
mark. And viability was so low. But you know, and then four days
later, our son, Brady was on his way, we only got a few extra days
to get us just past the 25 week mark. And he was already kind of
undersized even 4025 weaker. And I remember I came in on a
Friday and at 8am and I had all these gifts from the gift shop
for my wife and all the stuff that she wanted. And I remember
saying you're going to be a dad today. And I just remember being
the most excited and most scared I'd ever been in my entire life.
I felt like I was drunk on emotions because I didn't know
what to expect. I didn't know what a 25 week baby was. I read
the books and did all the research and the most part this
baby is not going to be very big. And as a dad, you kind of
think in your head, what does a 25 week look like? You know,
you're thinking you see what a 40 week looks like. And they're
pretty big, like this can't be very much bigger. You know, it
can't be a very large life. And, you know, my wife got prepped
up. And at noon that day at 1203, you know, my son was born
and I remember my wife was, you know, behind the curtain and
they're doing the C section and all that stuff to get the baby
out. And I remember my wife was just constantly itchy from the
stuff that they were giving her. So I was constantly scratching
her face and asking me what was going on. And I just didn't know
what was going on. And you wait for that cry and you don't hear
it. And I remember thinking something's wrong, or I just need
some reassurance of what's going on. And thankfully, our nurse
Sam, who had been there, you know, with us throughout the
week, said he's got the cutest little button nose. And I was
like, okay, step one, he's alive. He's got a button nose.
That's about as much as I know right now. And I remember him,
you know, being brought and ushered into the next room and
didn't get a chance to see him. And I remember them coming to me
and say, you know, Mr. Wood, do you want to meet your son? And
my wife is, you know, they're getting sewn up and all of that
stuff. And I just was like, I don't know if I want to do this.
I felt guilty for being the first one to see our son. My
wife had gone through so many miscarriages, all the pain, the
injections, the constantly being tired, the back and forth, her
blood pressure, all the stuff she had gone through to bring
this life and I was going to be the first person to see him. And
I felt she had just been robbed of so many things. A lot of moms
out there do. They get robbed of the, you know, painting the
room, decorating the baby showers and all the great things
that come with being pregnant. The ability to eat food without
feeling guilty and getting cravings. I mean, she hadn't even
got to that point yet. And I just remember feeling so guilty,
but at the same time, if this was the last time I was going to
see him alive, not knowing what was going to be ahead, I at
least wanted to see him and let her know what he looked like or
something or be able to reassure her. And I remember I walked
into the room and it was like a pit crew of people. They had
one person just hand pumping each breath into him. And all
these doctors are congratulating you and everything. And you're
like, you don't know how to feel. Like how do you, you know
what they mean, but you don't know how to react and feel.
You're still in this whole shock and you see this little tiny
life and he at that point was only one pound, four ounces and
about 10 inches long. I could literally put my hands over his
entire body and cover him. And he was just this little scrawny
thing with these ugly, eaty looking feet. I remember looking
at him going, God, I hope he grows into those feet because
they're just so long. And it was crazy to see him like that. But
he was also the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my entire
life. And he couldn't look at me. I mean, his eyes were closed.
I couldn't see a lot of the features that you would normally
see with a baby, but he was mine. And I remember looking at
him and just saying, please God, let everything be okay. Like,
please make this okay. And they took him out, my wife got to see
a brief glimpse of them and then he was brought to the NICU. And
you know, my wife, Jen, we, we brought her downstairs and you
know, she had to do the whole pumping thing. And I remember
the doctors were looking at her and said, okay, Jen, I know
you're only 25 weeks and you haven't even done your Lamar
classes or breastfeeding classes or anything like that. But I
need you to start pumping now. And she's just looked at the
doctor and said, say what? Like, I gotta, I gotta do what? I gotta
start this whole process. She's like, I'm not prepared. I didn't
study. Like, I'm not ready for all this. And I looked at her
and said, we got this. And she looked at me and said, no, I
really don't got this because I'm so numb from the surgery. I
can't feel most of my body. So I actually had to hold my wife up.
And so she could actually dip her body to be able to start
pumping and everything to get milk for her son. And I
miraculously, it's crazy that you're, you're 15 weeks early
from when you're supposed to start this whole process. And
nature tells you, and all of a sudden nature just suddenly knew,
hey, you're ready to go. I know we're a bit early, but you know,
she was able to start getting milk going, which I think really
did help her at least feel a little more connected at that
point and, and feel like more part of the process that she had
been. And you know, we were able to get that down to the NICU
and start giving that to him, which was a great thing. But,
you know, my wife didn't get a chance to see him for the first
24 hours. And I remember I had to go down to the NICU and I
met who would become one of the most important people in our
lives over the next four months, but over the next three years as
well, but our nurse Ellen. And Ellen brought me around and she
wasn't even his assigned nurse, but she saw something in us,
or maybe him, and she knew how much we wanted it and how
invested we were in him. And she brought me around to this area
and said, this is where he's going to be at. And she talked
me through everything. And, you know, she showed me, there's
these other children right here, they're 25-weekers, and she
gave me a little bit of hope. And she showed me my son and, you
know, she let me ask all the questions and it still was
overwhelming to see your baby with all these wires coming out
and these ventilators and these systems. I mean, he was hooked
on oxygen and he had the PICC line going through his stomach
and he had, you know, his whole body covered with just wires
and everything just all over. You could hardly make out him.
And I just remember looking at him and being amazed that he was
alive and just wondering if this was going to be the last time.
Because you just don't know, you don't know what to expect at
these moments. And I remember that I talked with the nurse and
I got all the information and I was like, I've got to bring this
back to my wife. And I remember I left there and before I went up
to the next floor, I stopped in the chapel and I cried for about
five minutes straight. There was nobody there. And I cried and
just let it out. And I just told God, please just make this
better. Please do anything you can. Please help us, you know,
give us the strength to get through this day and the days
ahead. And then went up and told my wife how he was doing, gave
her updates and all of that so she could feel a little more
connected. And then we were finally able to go down into the
NICU and get a chance for him to see him. And I remember seeing
her and you could just tell she didn't know how to react. I had
had 24 hours, I had time to process and talk to nurses, but
she had nothing but time to sit there in her bed and think about
what was going on. She didn't really get a chance to think
about it. She had no clue other than what I was telling her. And
the nurses were telling her what to expect either. And I remember
thinking, man, at least I've gotten this 24 hours to process
she's just getting this now and dealing with all this. And again,
as a as a husband and as a father, I couldn't help either of
them. You know, I could only hold her hand and, and listen to
her and try to reassure her. And for my son, I could do even less
at that moment. It was medicine, doctors, injections, it's
everything. And I felt like I couldn't even touch him. And,
you know, it took I think a couple of days for her and I to
get used to everything that was going on. I think we were in a
lot of shock. You know, I remember my parents and my my
in laws being there and just, they were so proud and all of
that. And I, they were excited. And I wasn't, I was, I was
scared. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how to process everything and make things
better because we as as men and as fathers and as dads, we're
there to fix things, we're there to protect our kids to protect
our wives. And in that moment, I felt like I was a failure at
that. I could not do anything. There was anything in my body I
could will to do that in that moment. And it sucks because you
want to be able to make things better. You want to be able to
make things better. You want them to be able to turn to you
and make everything all right. You want to be able to take that
pain away even if it's, you know, absorbing it take every
ounce of their pain into you and you feel only you can't do that.
That's not how life works. That's not how we do things and
process things. And it would be great if we could. But I just
couldn't do that. And it was a it was a long process. Brady,
he, you know, he was always a little bit behind in everything.
And we were on the oscillator and ventilator and you're on
oxygen blends. And, you know, I remember we would go back and
forth every day. And we'd walk through those doors. And I'm
sure that you know it and every dad here knows it. You scrub up,
you get your hands to completely be clean as can be. And then
the butterflies, if they're not already there are there as you're
getting ready to turn that corner or to walk over to that
bed to see how the night went. And every day that we were
there, no matter how good the day before was, I always got
those butterflies every single time it never went away. And
even to this day, sometimes I'll get the butterflies of walking
into his room making sure he's okay to check up on him and
he's almost three years old actual now and I still have to
get those butterflies occasionally when I think back
and go, man, I hope he's okay. And I just randomly go check on
him in the middle of the night. But I remember we had that and I
would walk in every day and talk with them and it became our
routine we dedicated our lives to him and we were there for
every round we talked with the doctors, we got everything from
them and we gave them feedback. I mean, we, we were there for
every round. I mean, we were the subject matter experts and for
dads that are out there listening, you are you're an
advocate for your child and you should always be an advocate
and you should never be afraid because you are a father to voice
your opinion. Because if anytime there's a time to voice your
opinion is that that's when you can protect your child from, you
know, things that you feel inside of you are not right. I
remember there were times when my son, they would say, oh,
we're going to do this, we're going to take them off that. And
I would say, I don't think it's right because I watched the
stats for the last 12 hours today. Your monitors could tell
me all this, but I watched him and I reacted to his, his up and
down with his breathing and his oxygen O2 levels. I don't think
he's ready. And there were many times where they would go ahead
and try it. And he'd go, he'd get back down again and go back
and forth and he would do that. And, you know, I always trusted
my gut in there, but I always asked the questions. I always
talked to them about what are the alternatives, you know, how
can we combat this? How can we combat that? And I think that's
where parents can get involved, you know, be more proactive in
your child's care. Because it's not just the doctors there to
impact on that baby. You can do so many things to impact their
health more than you realize. And I remember that we would
read every day to him. I would read religiously everything.
There were books that were there. My in-laws and parents
would bring books I'd read. I would bring history books. I
love history. I would read, you know, the kid who knows about
Andrew Jackson, The War of 1812. I would actually read to him
history books, journals that the staff left behind, you know,
doctor stuff about the NICU. I would read to him because I could
watch his stats and watch them go up as you listen to my voice.
Or if I held my hand over him and touched his body, his stats
would rise up. And sometimes I remember sitting there with my
both hands in the isolate, my wife on the other side, holding
him and doing that care. And your hands would go numb from
being in there for so long because every time you pull them
away, it stops and dips down to like 88, 82. Then it would go
back up to 90, 95. And you become so superstitious. You
start wearing the same shirt because he had a great day when
you wore it that day. It's just like little things. Yeah, like
you're, I'm not a super such guy, but like I got to wear
these same pair of socks. And it's kind of like sports
fanatics. You kind of, you have these same routines and you get
that. And, you know, we went through all that with him and
we had an amazing staff of nurses that were invested and
loved him to death and saw we were, we were so invested in
him and wanted nothing but the best. And there's a lot of
families out there that are like that too. And, and that's
great. But there's also a lot of families that I'm, you know,
I'm sure that if you've been there, you've seen that a lot
of families that just never showed up either, whether they
couldn't or they just didn't. And you just kind of watch and
you felt sorry for some of these, you know, babies that
are there. And sometimes I just wanted to go over and hold
them and read to them and say, it's going to be okay, because
you'd, you'd be there for 15 hours and nobody would show up
every single day for them. And you just want to go over and
be like, you know, can I just read to them? They're like, no,
you can't do that. And you just want to kind of be there
because you know the impact it makes. But, you know, the
hardest day was just before he came off of oxygen. And it's
the day that I always want to remember and never forget. And
people think it's the weirdest thing, but I remember it was a
it was a Friday and my wife had called me and we had thought
we had just made a turn and everything was going well. And
she called me and she said, you need to get to hospital now.
And I remember thinking she's never called me like this. And
I was at work and I dropped everything and I drove as fast
as I can to the hospital and that drive from my house to the
hospital felt like an eternity. It felt like I was just a
solitary confinement with my own thoughts. Like I couldn't
turn the radio up loud enough to distract myself. I was just
thinking of the worst possible situation. And I remember
getting through there and coming around the corner and I
remember seeing our nurse Ellen and Amy who was another nurse
who became a huge impact and my in-laws and my wife and I
remember seeing the yellow curtain and the dividers that
they have all around our son. And at that point, he had so
many oxygen tanks. He was at 100% oxygen. He was on
everything that he could do at that point for him and they had
bagged him that morning and we had almost lost them. And I
remember crying over his isolate. I remember the tears
coming down like rain hitting a tin roof and just pouring on
and my nurse Ellen and my wife trying to hold me up because I
was crying so hard and I remember begging God to please
take me that just let him be okay. I'm okay if you just take
me now. I've had a good life. I just want you to keep them
safe and that it's not fair and that I did everything right and
I just remember thinking it was the worst day of my life. I
I've survived two wars. I have done so many things in my life
from jumping out of airplanes to you know being in combat and I
was never more scared and terrified than I was that day.
But that day is a defining moment in my life. Everyone has
that one moment or two moments that defines you and sometimes
it's the birth of your child. Sometimes it's your marriage.
Sometimes it's something else but that moment was my moment
and for as dark as it was, it changed me forever because we
weren't sure what was gonna happen to him and I just I prayed
and I prayed and I prayed and we even had the priest come up
and and baptize our son in the isolate with this little shell
and just bless him because we didn't know what was gonna
happen. That could be the last day I ever saw him again and
that would be the end of our story but it wasn't. God blessed
us and allowed him to live and he started to take a turn over
the next 24 48 hours and eventually things got to a much
better point where he started to come off the oxygen going to
see Pap and all of those other steps as you make towards going
home but that moment I never ever ever wanna forget that
moment because every time I think something's bad every
time I feel down on myself every time I look at my son and
he does something that I don't want him to do or he's acting
up and being bratty and being a two year old. I think back to
that day and everything else doesn't matter because that day
I almost lost them and I carry that pain not because I wanna
carry the pain for because I like pain. It's because that
they made me appreciate the rest of the days that followed
so anytime that I ever get to a point where I'm content or I'm
you know in a moment where I feel like I'm not things aren't
going right for me and think and and life is is getting too
overwhelming. I think that day and say it's not that day so
everything could be okay and and that moment allowed me to
change how I do things in my life how I look at it how I
value my son how every moment from then on every experience
that I had with him was cherished tenfold and I always
will keep that with me and I always will do everything in my
power now as a parent and getting involved now with you
know the NICU community and pre me families and other dads
and other people so that people that are going through that same
day that I went through you know whatever or days or weeks
that I went through that they don't have to deal with that
alone or one less person has to deal with that because we make
strides where it's a lot easier for these kids to be getting
through the NICU and to have a higher survivability rate and
he is why I do everything going forward in my life not only for
him but for other kids for my family and and everything that
I do I do because of that moment because God gave me a
second chance to change my life to make a difference in my
son's life to be a good role model for him a parent for him
and to do things for other people to ease their pain so I
always will remember that day and I wish that I could take
that pain from other dads that are feeling but it's okay to
feel that pain. It's okay to break down. You know if you're
listening to this if you've had that moment talk to somebody
let it out. Let your wife your spouse your other know that
you're vulnerable. It's okay to let that stuff out because if
you let it internalize it will eat you away. It will change
you as a person and you won't be able to be the good dad that
you need to be. So I always tell people to try to talk to
somebody find somebody out there that can understand your
pain and I've always told people that the NICU while I
have been through it you have been through it you know
listeners have been through it and other people around the
world have been through it every journey is unique my
journey while it may sound bad to to somebody else way worse
doesn't discount your journey every journey is different.
Every situation is different and don't ever judge another
person's journey because you never know what they're going
through internally at home balance that they have to have
you know I've heard your story before and to be able to I
don't know what it's like to have to balance having a child
at home and having to do that and a wife and all these other
places and I'm sure that there's parents out there that
have you know kids at home and kids in other places my own my
own niece had recently during covid she had pre me twins at
the same hospital in the same caregivers that we had and I
can't imagine being that during covid and not being able to be
there with your spouse to be a part of that two person system.
So there's a lot of people out there that are going through a
lot of things and your journey is unique. I'm not here to tell
anyone you know how to feel or anything like that and your
journey is is sacred to you but there are people out there that
understand and there are people that are willing to listen and
I'm glad that there are things like this like the nick you dad's
podcast that you're doing and others are out there that are
giving a voice and giving an ability for people to get these
experiences not only off their chest because I feel like when
you talk about it while it's hard it relieves a weight off
your chest. You know we carry all these weights and pebbles
and stones and every time you share an experience like that
it takes a little bit off your chest and allows you to breathe
a little more because you're able to get that off and be
honest about what's going on in the world and what's going on
in your feelings and maybe that helps somebody else as well. So
I'm glad that there are things like this available for dads.
Now that's that's perfect. You know you talk about that day
and so many of us experience days like that and our lives do
change and you know it it does make you
almost at least in your own eyes feel like you appreciate
things more. Those days you know every day is a blessing
when you've had a day like that. It's even sweeter I think.
But you guys you know so he turned around
and you know obviously things got better and you started hitting more milestones
and things like that. What was it like for you towards the
I don't want to say the end of your NICU journey because it once you go home it
still continues but exactly what were some of the things
that you saw and that you guys experienced
towards that I guess leaving the NICU and even after the NICU what kind of
things did you have to deal with you know medically and things like that
for your for Brady? Oh wow well yeah we had
quite a bit so not only did you know my son he had
chronic lung disease so he had a lot of respiratory issues so
for the entire stay and until you know we went home actually on oxygen
so low grade oxygen so we had to go home on that.
So that was its own experience but we also ended up getting
a g-tube and getting his hernias fixed and then when we got home we also had to
deal with the helmet because a lot of these babies that are there
especially the ones that are very small they're on their back a lot you know
they're on their head so we actually had to get two helmets
for our son to kind of help reform his head because he had a bit of a flat head
as they say and so we were kind of dealing with all that
not only did we have the oxygen and the foot probe to monitor the foot
probe and all that we had you know the polyvisol we had
you know all the medications that he had to have so we actually
you know when we got him home finally it was in October about a month after
his due date because his due date was September 5th he was born May 25th
you know we we got to go home and it was right around Halloween which
was great and got him home and I just remember like
trying to set everything up we had our own Purell station
and everything so I I joke around I was like I was ready for the pandemic before
the pandemic was even cool like I had I still have Purell boxes out the yin yang
and I have a Purell station still to this day
right my front door so every time you walk in you're Purell up you do all your
stuff and you're good to go we we kind of built our own home
you know nursing station so we had everything set up ready to go for him
and the first couple weeks we actually spent sleeping on the couch
downstairs in our living room and taking turns sleeping upstairs because
at that point he had the foot probe on the oxygen
and the oxygen only had like a limited slack of
that you could have so it was like 50 feet so we would have to like
pick up and move the oxygen all the way up and have this big heavy
oxygen tank you know or oxygen I guess ventilator system so you plug it
in it was like loud and we'd have to bring that up and down the stairs so we
just said the first few weeks screw it we're just going to sleep down here with
him and deal with all that we had the foot
probe going off every two minutes so if you think the NICU
sucks but the the alarm's gone off imagine coming back to home
and then having the foot probe go off every two seconds and you have to fix
it and reset it and all that so not a lot of sleep was had in the in the
wood household uh those first couple months but
we were able to get through that and a lot of people say well how did you get
through it and you just get through it I mean you
get into a kind of a groove of things and you get used to
the g-tube and hooking that up and how do you do your feeds
and timing it and you start learning little tricks and stuff like that and
it's weird because once you become a g-tube kid or
uh oxygen kid you learn all the tricks of the trade of different things and
you feel like you're kind of ready for nursing school or some sort of med
school at that point because you've you've gotten you so used to doing so
many things and for parents out there that are fearful
of the g-tube our son next week is at three is finally
getting it out he hasn't used it for over a year I will say
while it can be an inconvenience it is also a blessing in disguise so if
you've got the doctors telling you right now that you're going home on that
it could be overwhelming to understand I I've got to hook it up I've got to do
all the stuff you will get to a groove you'll be able
to do it in your sleep you'll get to the point where you'll be able to do it in
the middle of the night turn it all off unhook it be good to go
you are going to have some accidents it's okay you know
there are plenty of times I forgot to unhook the tube or
unclamp it and messes happened and things like that
um at the end of the day you know you don't want to cry over spilled milk but
I guess if maybe you're not producing enough milk
maybe you can cry a little bit over that but um
you know we we went through a lot of different things with him
and the g-tube really helped us out especially in the winter time
when he wasn't taking to the bottle quite a bit I mean my
my son really had a poor suck so he never got a chance to latch on
so he really didn't take to the bottle very well so the g-tube really helped us
pack on the pounds and allow him to gain weight even in
the winter months when he wasn't you know feeling well and all that we were
able to still get that medicine in him and all that things like that
as you get older we were still able to do that so
in a way it really was a blessing um and we're glad that we got it in
hindsight at the time it seemed like the end of the world but it really was
not um there are there are far harder things
that are out there that a lot of parents do deal with um but after three years of
having it I cannot just say it's not as bad as a
lot of people make it out to be um and the first couple times it pops out
you panic and then you figure out how to pop that bad boy back in
and you're in business I mean my wife became an old pro at it I mean she
didn't get grossed out she just pops it right in
it's good to go so um yeah we we went through quite a bit
um a lot of back and forth the gi pulmonary
um and during the pandemic you know obviously with all that
most of it was virtual um a lot of you know tele ed stuff we
we had a lot of appointments the first year it felt like the first six months
was three four appointments a week um and
that's a process because it's both of us because we've got to bring
his oxygen tank his pulse ox um all of the stuff his diapers everything else
like that so again it was as a two-person team to do
all this stuff to keep this little person alive
and um you know we did it so I'm proud to say we kept
we kept them alive and didn't have any issues and uh
you know we had a home nurse that came in and we all said you know
different people come in to help him along the way with
his growth and development and different things like that
um so there's a lot of great programs that are out there we here in
Connecticut we have birth to three um so they were able to really help them
that first year with motor skills things like that that kids
don't pick up on it much um especially to catch up with you
know being able to eat a little bit better and that's kind of a struggle so
you know if you're struggling with that it's okay you're not a bad parent
um you know normal kids do that I didn't have any other kids
so I always looked at it and said this is my one and only I don't know how to
judge if he's eating good or not you know you can't look at and say okay
well so and so was the same way so this is normal
so for us we kind of panicked a little bit more and I think that first six
months a year we definitely talked to the doctor a lot more than we probably
should but you know that's just the life of a
pre-parent you're you're constantly on the phone with doctors and
reassuring them and they're reassuring you and you know they're used to it they
know you're a preemie parent so they're you know they're okay with
letting you know you're doing a great job and I think that was a good thing
with our our pediatrician and primary care people
is they always took the time to let us know you're doing a great job you're
keeping them alive they're thriving because of you and I
think that helped us along the way and we just weren't sure if we were doing a
great job that's awesome yeah we always you know we talk about
now um looking at after NICU care for NICU
parents and support in that where you know you go through the
the NICU stay and all the stresses that you deal with and
all the things you bring home from that PTSD and different
things like that but now you were now responsible
to take care of oxygen g-tube everything else and so rather than being
able to relax and try to go back to normal things now get
amped up and so you see those stress levels uh increase actually especially
for NICU dads going going home um did you experience things like that
oh yeah I mean definitely stress levels uh you know with being able to take care
of them and feeling am I am I up to this and I
don't want to you know mess things up but I think um
it's the fight or flight it's it's ingrained in our natural
natures the fight or flight and I think when you're a parent but
especially a pre-parent it's amped to like tenfold it's it's I
gotta fight for my kids I gotta I gotta figure this out
I gotta get this done and eventually you just get into this mode and it's
almost like an autopilot where your body like figures out how to sleep
on less sleep and do all the things it needs to do because you need to do that
for the time being and um you know the good thing is my wife
and I communicated quite a bit so we we took turns with all the rotations it
was a 50-50 throughout the whole process it wasn't just one or the other so
you know we still had to do work we still had to balance all of those things
with him so we found that balance and I think the big
thing that um I would say is communicate with your
significant other your spouse um that's that's a thing that men
are kind of crappy at sometimes is the ability to communicate
in general their feelings but with their spouse
and so I've talked with other um NICU moms and people and they say you know my
my husband was either stoic didn't talk about it I didn't know his feelings and
it's been years later and they still don't
haven't had that conversation and for me when we went through the experience
there were days where I would turn to my wife and most days I'd be the one that
kept it together but there'd be some days I turned her and say
I need you to be the rock not Dwayne Johnson
I need you to be super hard granite rock and get me through this experience
today allow me to just sit back focus on our son and not have to deal
with anything else and just be the strong one and that's
important because it allows you to get mentally prepared
that I need to be that one today and I think when
guys get that break every now and then if they're in their state if their
NICU stays pretty long too you need that you need that ability to
just shift your focus to other things whether it's just reading to your kid
listening to some music by their bed whatever you need to do
read a book while you're there and that's important because it's part of
your self-care you can't be the be all you can't be the
doing everything all at once and taking care of everything all at once
it's got to be a team effort and when you don't act like a team
that's where you start to break down that's where you have those emotional
breakdowns that's where the miscommunication
comes into place and I think that's also where your breakdown in your marriage
because you're still balancing your marriage at the same time in
this crazy experience so there's other things that are in place
so you don't want to be have any ill will toward your spouse because
of any of these experiences and I've heard I've talked to other dads and the
family members where they left the NICU and the NICU just
ended up really destroying their relationship because of a variety of
reasons you know people that go through
loss with in vitro over and over again it destroys their marriage because there
is no communication there is no free conversation back and
forth openly about what they're feeling and getting that
out and it internalizes and people hold onto that and it
really doesn't do you any good so talk to somebody
if it's a therapist if it's a buddy if it's an old you know friend
talk to somebody if you can't talk to your spouse because they're just going
through so much you don't want to put it on their plate
I get that but talk to somebody find somebody out there
um that's willing to listen there's a ton of great for dads that are out there
there's tons of great ones on Facebook um there's tons of programs in which you
can mentor you know people and help them be there um
you know i've helped mentor others and complete strangers that
um are going through these experiences and it's allowed me
one the ability to feel better than i'm helping somebody but two
to get somebody at a better spot than i was at because
you know when you're becoming a NICU dad and when you become a pre-parent in
general most of the time you have absolutely no
clue it's coming you're you're blindsided no one's giving you a manual
on how to deal with this or what to go through and if you're lucky
maybe you've had somebody in your life that has been through that um
for me you know my brother-in-law had been through it and had been
about 15 or 16 years since he had been through it but for him
if he was able to help allow me to call him
and get some stuff off my chest just me and him
and i think that's important to find that outlet during the process
you know from beginning to when you get home and after the fact you know you
need to be able to get that off your chest because
once you get that stuff off your chest you don't bring it into your marriage
you don't bring it into your relationship with your child like you
you've gotten that stuff off your chest and you're much better for it
yeah speaking of outlets um great segue by the way um
tell us about preemie adventures and some of the other stuff that you guys
are involved with right now yeah so as part of this whole process you
know i wanted to give back so i first um i started out with volunteering to be in
the family advisor council at our local hospital um i i've always
been advocates for a variety of things but
um i wanted the best care for families and i was also appreciative of
everything that the staff had done there for our son and our family
um i mean they were really outstanding at connecticut children's day
did a fantastic job um even even the guy that
you know parked our cars and everything the valet would sit and talk with us
and ask us how our day was i mean he's such a great guy so we had such a great
experience we really wanted to give back so uh
we were i've been volunteering there doing my time to help families
um to add more advocacy for dads and to have that
that perspective because of course when you get involved with anything and you
probably know as well uh when you get involved as a nikkudad in
the hospital into charities and organizations there's not a lot of dads
there it's it's almost like they they see you they go uh yeah that'd be
great and you're like okay uh am i the only dad on this call or or
what and you're like yeah but it it's good to be able to do that so
um i also ended up writing and completing a book called our premier
adventure and the book really takes a humorous
and heartwarming look at the journey that all of our children go through in
the nicu and and this journey particularly follows um our journey but
so many others as well as i tried to encompass as many things as possible in
it and it looks at the milestones they
achieve from you know coming off a cpap to the g2 to your first outfit things
that we celebrate as preemie parents that
other parents just take for granted i mean the first time you get to wear an
outfit sometimes it's several months in before you get to wear an outfit
because they've got all these wires so you're so ecstatic and all of these
things that you're celebrating their first bath sometimes their first bath is
in for a few weeks um or longer because of their their
status so i wanted to make a positive spin on the nicu and take use humor
because i use it in every part of my life and i think a lot of men are like
that we use humor and sarcasm um especially if if you have
guy humor that's out there and women will say i don't you know i
don't get your humor but we use humor to mask the pain and to
mask dealing with hard situations and i think that's always been a tool
that i've used in my military career my personal life i've always tried to find
the humor in the bad situations to get through it so i
looked at it and said you know i want this to be something fun
uplifting that parents can look at and say
yes that's that's totally what we went through today yesterday
or i'm looking forward to when that happens or if you're a parent like
yourself who's been out of the nicu for a few years
you're going to look back and show your little one or just look back a little
bit more fondly with the nicu and say wow you know i remember the first bath i
remember these these other days that were more positive and celebrate those
great milestones um so i'm really excited about the
project and it really has allowed me to as i talked about that one
point earlier is focus and shift my life into how i can
help people so i'm starting to build not only on
the book and having that come out in the next couple months
um i'm building you know premier adventures on social media
and my website that's going to be up soon and it's really going to be a point
where parents can connect on a variety of things not only
with uplifting humor that will help them get through the
day and to bond over that shared experience
that mantra of the premier adventure we all go through this
together we're all in this together because
we share a unique memories while some would not like to have those
memories we have a unique experience that a lot of parents don't
and i think it's almost i want people to have it like a badge of courage and you
better look back and say you know i'm a preemie parent hear me
roar i'm i'm doing all these great things for my kids
and i see so many preemie parents out there and new families doing amazing
things in the community so i want preemie adventures to be something
that continues on and to be able to have other
organizations like hands a hold be featured there places people that are
doing great work to be featured so that when they come
to my website or when they come to the social media
they're getting that information share with them on there as well so they can
connect with whether it's dads or other moms or or
if they want to volunteer they're looking for an outlet in their community
locally i'd like to be able to share that we've got people from all the way
from australia to the uk right now that are on board
they're going to be on our site they're going to be affiliates with us
and they're going to we're going to share their information so that families
can be helped out in the situations and get the proper care
we're working as well to get people that are caregivers
nurses things like that that will be on there providing
blogs as well as support for families that want that and it's all going to be
free so we're all going to have that there
and of course we're also going to have donation sites so
that site will not only have a donation site where people can donate if they
want to purchase our premium venture and donate
to their nicu they can donate you know just street if they want to
donate money or anything and every month we are going to be
sending to a different nicu or organization that's out there doing
great work free books to them so if somebody wants to come they can
just donate whatever they want and we're going to send take all that
money and send books to you know wherever that may be all across the u.s
and hopefully worldwide so that is our big plan so we are partnering with
organizations that are out there that do care packages things like that to help
provide the books to families in need and to provide as little cost if any to
those organizations as well so i really want this to be a big project
that helps a lot of families out and for people to be able to come bond
over that shared experience and really help
change others lives and so if somebody's out there that wants to get involved
that is looking to that you know they can reach out to
me at our premium adventures at gmail.com or
when the site's up i'll have that up it'll be premium adventures.com
we're going to have a lot of great things if they want to be featured on
there we certainly want to have people that
are doing great work podcast things of that sort so that people
can have an outlet and just connect that's awesome man i mean
we're super excited we can't wait i do have a question for you
um with your experience and all the things you're doing now
what is some of your best advice for new nicu dads
uh dads who are maybe one to two days in maybe one day in or
even guys that are in you know for months weeks right now
what's what's your best advice for them one is
as i said before is communicate um i i stressed that so much because
the communication piece is important because sometimes you're going to have
these these things in your head that you're
going to be thinking and it's important to get that off and
and to not judge each other um on those feelings because sometimes
it's just you need to get that off your chest
and then it's off and you're able to move on another is
take it one day at a time one hour at a time one moment at a time
um the nicu is is not a it's not a sprint it's a marathon it's
it's day by day understand that that things are going to go up and things
are going to go down and there's only so much you can do to
control that but i would also say be as active as you can in your child's
life you may not feel that you being by their
bedside reading to them or holding them or doing you know kangaroo
care has that effect but i i cannot tell you
how wrong you are if you feel that way but we spent
so much time with our son as much as possible holding him and connecting with
him and i honestly think that that played a
big role in how we developed and a lot of the
doctors and nurses came over and said you know we really think
we've seen kids that are in his position not make it so many times
and i think that is a part that you can play as a dad
um don't be afraid to get involved in the care
and to get in there and get used to that process because
you need to work together as a team um your wife's going to go through
a lot of emotions and she's going to need you to be there
or your partner's going to need to be you be there be there for her
you know be if it's just a sounding board to get her emotions out then fine
but also take care of yourself it's a hard thing to do
but take some time when you're not in the NICU
to do something for yourself physically and and try to to eat and do
stuff to keep your body because you you need to be able to get yourself
through the NICU it's a long process so allowing yourself to kind of shut down
and go to this mode where you're not eating you're not sleeping
is not going to do any good for you um you know you may want to be there
every minute of every day but that's impossible you need to take some time
just go home decompress um you know get ready and then come in the next day
you know ready to go as positive as possible
that's great advice well adam and i can talk for days
uh with each other but we want to thank you so much for sharing the story
and sharing your advice and and everything is so powerful you got me i
did cry uh but once again man i can't thank you
enough for doing this and we wish you jen brady all the best
and wouldn't be surprised if you hear adam and i talking about some
nicu dad topics and some of the things that
that we struggle with uh but once again i appreciate it man
uh we thank you so much for being on here
thank you for listening and thank you for your support once again
please take a look at the nicu dad.com we continue to grow the list of
resources we are bringing nicu dads to my fellow nicu dads good luck
and remember you are not alone