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Welcome to the Nick you dad podcast, a podcast for Nick you

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dads by Nick you dads. I'm Alex Zavala, a father to two preemie

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girls via who was born at 30 weeks and Emerson who was born

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in 27 weeks. Combined my wife Jen and I both spent over 100

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days in the NICU. After my last NICU experience, I started the

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Nick you dad. I did this to try and fill the gap of information

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and support that was lacking for Nick you dads. Be sure and check

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out the nick you dad.com and hopefully you will find it a

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useful resource. In this podcast, we will cover many

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topics that Nick you parents face but from the Nick you dad's

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perspective, topics such as premature birth, bereavement,

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PTSD, and many others. These dads who you'll hear share their

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stories in hope of letting other Nick you dads know they are not

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alone.

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In this episode, we talked to Adam Wood. Adam is a retired

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military leader and a first time author who lives in South Windsor,

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Connecticut. He is the father of a 25 week old one pound four

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ounce micro preemie named Brady who spent 135 days in the NICU

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with his wife Jen wanting to give back to the NICU community

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after his son had survived. Adam wrote and funded the upcoming

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book our preemie adventures, which chronicles a journey he

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and other premature families go through in the NICU. The book

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uses humor, heartwarming moments and celebrates the milestones

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these children achieve as they work towards going home. He

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hopes the humor and shared experiences will allow families

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to see the NICU a little less different and help to heal the

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wounds. Along with writing the book, Adam currently works with

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a variety of organizations to help premature families and sits

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on the Family Advisory Council for his local Children's

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Hospital. His goal is to bring the concept of preemie adventures

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to be a mantra for all families to bond over. In today's

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episode, we want to welcome Adam Wood. Adam, we really, really

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appreciate you being on here today and, and sharing your

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story with us.

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Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. Well, you know,

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our NICU journey was, you know, very unique, but it's also like

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a lot of journeys that are out there. Our we went through prior

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to the NICU, we went through about a year and a half of in

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vitro to conceive. And part of the reason why we went through

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in vitro was because my wife suffers from PKD, which is a

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kidney disease, a genetic disorder, which causes cysts to

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grow on her kidneys. And in fact, as a result of not only

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is her disease, but the process of labor and everything that

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she's gone through, and the NICU with our son, she's actually

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on the kidney transplant list, because that the whole process

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actually depleted her quite a bit. So we are actually going

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through that as well. But we had gone through this whole process

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in the hopes that potentially we could not pass that gene down

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because my wife understood what that was her mom had gone

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through it and had a transplant her uncles as well. And while

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we wanted to have children, we wanted to try to avoid if we

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could pass that gene down. So unfortunately, we went through

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the process, we went to Yale, New Haven, and we went through

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several miscarriages in that process. And we really weren't

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able to alleviate finding the gene that was, you know,

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responsible for that. But we still decided to go through with

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the process with in vitro, and try to conceive through that

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way. And we went through, like I said, you know, several

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miscarriages, which was heartbreaking. And I know a lot

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of moms out there and dads out there that end up having

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preemies, usually a lot of them are going through in vitro and

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other processes. So that adds on to their pain as well, the

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whole process of getting there. And my wife has been with a

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trooper throughout it. I mean, she really, really was the

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strongest person I know. And to talk with her sometimes you

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think that wouldn't be the case. And she's, you know, very

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passive and very relaxed and doesn't like to be out in the

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front at all. But I mean, she really was this warrior

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throughout everything from the NICU and the whole the whole

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lead up to it. We were finally able to, you know, have in

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vitro worked and to be honest, it was pretty much at our last

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point, we, we had gone through so many miscarriages, that we

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were just like, maybe it's not meant to me, maybe we need to

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adopt, you know, maybe there's something else that's telling

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us we need to do with our lives. And, and our, you know, finally

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we were able to go through and it worked. And my wife just was

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amazing. She was driving two hours every day, twice a week,

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up to Albany from Connecticut, getting her treatments, getting

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lipids done to give her fat to help, you know, take, you know,

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the process and going through all that, and doing all the

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injections and I joke around, but if you ever have to give

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injections, it's not the thing that you want to do your wife.

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And she would come up with these like black and blues and things

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like that. And I would look at her and say, please don't tell

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people that I'm abusing you because it looked like I was like

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hitting her and doing all this stuff. And she would laugh and

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kind of smile at me, but she never really said she wouldn't.

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So that was kind of a running joke with us. But we, we got

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through that process. And we got to about 22 weeks. And then Jen

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as a result of her kidney disease, developed very high

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blood pressure. So she was in ICU at about 22 weeks, for about

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a week. So we spent quite a bit of time there, talking with

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doctors and all of them to learn about the process and whether or

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not our son was okay, whether or not she was okay. So not only

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were we struggling with her life, but his life at the same

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time and wondering, this is our last chance and seeing it's kind

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of slowly drift away was harder and harder with each day and

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wondering if we would have to terminate to save her life. And

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I know that she wanted it so so bad. And she wanted to be a mom

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so so bad. And it's part of the reason why I married her is

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because when I met her, I knew not only was she a great person,

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but she would make the best mom in the world. Like she exudes

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that mom spirit that I love you, I'll do anything for you. I'm

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such a sweet mom. And that's one of the things I fell in love

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with her and to see her go through this process. And to

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break down and to cry and to go through all that pain. And

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everything she went through to lead up was very hard to do it

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as a as a man as a dad. And you're so helpless, there's

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nothing you can do except be there, hold her hand and you

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feel completely helpless in that situation. And, you know, we

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got out of the hospital. And about a week and a half later,

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we went back to a follow up appointment, we were just about

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24 weeks or so. And the doctor, you know, said, Listen, you

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know, he's tracking a little bit behind. We don't think he's

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going to make it we may have to report. And my wife just broke

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down, like she cried a crowd I've never heard before. And I

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could just feel her body shaking as I'm trying to hold on to her

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and to comfort her and to avoid the tears coming down my own

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face because as a guy, you don't know if you should cry or not

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cry. Do I do I feel that emotion with her? Or do I be stoic and

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allow her to release on me and be there for her in that moment?

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And it was just very hard balance one of the two. And I

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remember looking at the doctor and pulling her aside and said,

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don't you ever say that to her ever about aborting the baby

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about any of that stuff. And as a result of that conversation

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and the feedback, she ended up having to be admitted to the

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hospital. Once again, and we were under observation and the

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doctor said, Listen, we're going to try to get to 28 weeks that

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meant her being in the hospital for a couple weeks at this point

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now, she would have to be. And I remember we're like, okay, we're

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gonna get to 28 weeks. And we were just past that 24 week

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mark. And viability was so low. But you know, and then four days

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later, our son, Brady was on his way, we only got a few extra days

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to get us just past the 25 week mark. And he was already kind of

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undersized even 4025 weaker. And I remember I came in on a

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Friday and at 8am and I had all these gifts from the gift shop

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for my wife and all the stuff that she wanted. And I remember

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saying you're going to be a dad today. And I just remember being

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the most excited and most scared I'd ever been in my entire life.

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I felt like I was drunk on emotions because I didn't know

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what to expect. I didn't know what a 25 week baby was. I read

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the books and did all the research and the most part this

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baby is not going to be very big. And as a dad, you kind of

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think in your head, what does a 25 week look like? You know,

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you're thinking you see what a 40 week looks like. And they're

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pretty big, like this can't be very much bigger. You know, it

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can't be a very large life. And, you know, my wife got prepped

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up. And at noon that day at 1203, you know, my son was born

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and I remember my wife was, you know, behind the curtain and

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they're doing the C section and all that stuff to get the baby

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out. And I remember my wife was just constantly itchy from the

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stuff that they were giving her. So I was constantly scratching

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her face and asking me what was going on. And I just didn't know

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what was going on. And you wait for that cry and you don't hear

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it. And I remember thinking something's wrong, or I just need

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some reassurance of what's going on. And thankfully, our nurse

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Sam, who had been there, you know, with us throughout the

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week, said he's got the cutest little button nose. And I was

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like, okay, step one, he's alive. He's got a button nose.

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That's about as much as I know right now. And I remember him,

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you know, being brought and ushered into the next room and

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didn't get a chance to see him. And I remember them coming to me

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and say, you know, Mr. Wood, do you want to meet your son? And

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my wife is, you know, they're getting sewn up and all of that

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stuff. And I just was like, I don't know if I want to do this.

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I felt guilty for being the first one to see our son. My

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wife had gone through so many miscarriages, all the pain, the

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injections, the constantly being tired, the back and forth, her

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blood pressure, all the stuff she had gone through to bring

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this life and I was going to be the first person to see him. And

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I felt she had just been robbed of so many things. A lot of moms

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out there do. They get robbed of the, you know, painting the

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room, decorating the baby showers and all the great things

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that come with being pregnant. The ability to eat food without

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feeling guilty and getting cravings. I mean, she hadn't even

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got to that point yet. And I just remember feeling so guilty,

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but at the same time, if this was the last time I was going to

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see him alive, not knowing what was going to be ahead, I at

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least wanted to see him and let her know what he looked like or

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something or be able to reassure her. And I remember I walked

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into the room and it was like a pit crew of people. They had

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one person just hand pumping each breath into him. And all

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these doctors are congratulating you and everything. And you're

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like, you don't know how to feel. Like how do you, you know

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what they mean, but you don't know how to react and feel.

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You're still in this whole shock and you see this little tiny

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life and he at that point was only one pound, four ounces and

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about 10 inches long. I could literally put my hands over his

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entire body and cover him. And he was just this little scrawny

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thing with these ugly, eaty looking feet. I remember looking

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at him going, God, I hope he grows into those feet because

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they're just so long. And it was crazy to see him like that. But

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he was also the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my entire

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life. And he couldn't look at me. I mean, his eyes were closed.

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I couldn't see a lot of the features that you would normally

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see with a baby, but he was mine. And I remember looking at

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him and just saying, please God, let everything be okay. Like,

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please make this okay. And they took him out, my wife got to see

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a brief glimpse of them and then he was brought to the NICU. And

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you know, my wife, Jen, we, we brought her downstairs and you

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know, she had to do the whole pumping thing. And I remember

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the doctors were looking at her and said, okay, Jen, I know

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you're only 25 weeks and you haven't even done your Lamar

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classes or breastfeeding classes or anything like that. But I

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need you to start pumping now. And she's just looked at the

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doctor and said, say what? Like, I gotta, I gotta do what? I gotta

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start this whole process. She's like, I'm not prepared. I didn't

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study. Like, I'm not ready for all this. And I looked at her

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and said, we got this. And she looked at me and said, no, I

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really don't got this because I'm so numb from the surgery. I

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can't feel most of my body. So I actually had to hold my wife up.

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And so she could actually dip her body to be able to start

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pumping and everything to get milk for her son. And I

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miraculously, it's crazy that you're, you're 15 weeks early

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from when you're supposed to start this whole process. And

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nature tells you, and all of a sudden nature just suddenly knew,

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hey, you're ready to go. I know we're a bit early, but you know,

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she was able to start getting milk going, which I think really

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did help her at least feel a little more connected at that

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point and, and feel like more part of the process that she had

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been. And you know, we were able to get that down to the NICU

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and start giving that to him, which was a great thing. But,

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you know, my wife didn't get a chance to see him for the first

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24 hours. And I remember I had to go down to the NICU and I

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met who would become one of the most important people in our

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lives over the next four months, but over the next three years as

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well, but our nurse Ellen. And Ellen brought me around and she

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wasn't even his assigned nurse, but she saw something in us,

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or maybe him, and she knew how much we wanted it and how

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invested we were in him. And she brought me around to this area

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and said, this is where he's going to be at. And she talked

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me through everything. And, you know, she showed me, there's

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these other children right here, they're 25-weekers, and she

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gave me a little bit of hope. And she showed me my son and, you

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know, she let me ask all the questions and it still was

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overwhelming to see your baby with all these wires coming out

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and these ventilators and these systems. I mean, he was hooked

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on oxygen and he had the PICC line going through his stomach

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and he had, you know, his whole body covered with just wires

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and everything just all over. You could hardly make out him.

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And I just remember looking at him and being amazed that he was

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alive and just wondering if this was going to be the last time.

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Because you just don't know, you don't know what to expect at

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these moments. And I remember that I talked with the nurse and

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I got all the information and I was like, I've got to bring this

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back to my wife. And I remember I left there and before I went up

247
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to the next floor, I stopped in the chapel and I cried for about

248
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five minutes straight. There was nobody there. And I cried and

249
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just let it out. And I just told God, please just make this

250
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better. Please do anything you can. Please help us, you know,

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give us the strength to get through this day and the days

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ahead. And then went up and told my wife how he was doing, gave

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her updates and all of that so she could feel a little more

254
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connected. And then we were finally able to go down into the

255
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NICU and get a chance for him to see him. And I remember seeing

256
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her and you could just tell she didn't know how to react. I had

257
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had 24 hours, I had time to process and talk to nurses, but

258
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she had nothing but time to sit there in her bed and think about

259
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what was going on. She didn't really get a chance to think

260
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about it. She had no clue other than what I was telling her. And

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the nurses were telling her what to expect either. And I remember

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thinking, man, at least I've gotten this 24 hours to process

263
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she's just getting this now and dealing with all this. And again,

264
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as a as a husband and as a father, I couldn't help either of

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them. You know, I could only hold her hand and, and listen to

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her and try to reassure her. And for my son, I could do even less

267
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at that moment. It was medicine, doctors, injections, it's

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everything. And I felt like I couldn't even touch him. And,

269
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you know, it took I think a couple of days for her and I to

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get used to everything that was going on. I think we were in a

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lot of shock. You know, I remember my parents and my my

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in laws being there and just, they were so proud and all of

273
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that. And I, they were excited. And I wasn't, I was, I was

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scared. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to do.

275
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I didn't know how to process everything and make things

276
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better because we as as men and as fathers and as dads, we're

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there to fix things, we're there to protect our kids to protect

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our wives. And in that moment, I felt like I was a failure at

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that. I could not do anything. There was anything in my body I

280
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could will to do that in that moment. And it sucks because you

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want to be able to make things better. You want to be able to

282
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make things better. You want them to be able to turn to you

283
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and make everything all right. You want to be able to take that

284
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pain away even if it's, you know, absorbing it take every

285
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ounce of their pain into you and you feel only you can't do that.

286
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That's not how life works. That's not how we do things and

287
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process things. And it would be great if we could. But I just

288
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couldn't do that. And it was a it was a long process. Brady,

289
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he, you know, he was always a little bit behind in everything.

290
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And we were on the oscillator and ventilator and you're on

291
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oxygen blends. And, you know, I remember we would go back and

292
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forth every day. And we'd walk through those doors. And I'm

293
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sure that you know it and every dad here knows it. You scrub up,

294
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:56,520
you get your hands to completely be clean as can be. And then

295
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,960
the butterflies, if they're not already there are there as you're

296
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getting ready to turn that corner or to walk over to that

297
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bed to see how the night went. And every day that we were

298
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there, no matter how good the day before was, I always got

299
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those butterflies every single time it never went away. And

300
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even to this day, sometimes I'll get the butterflies of walking

301
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,280
into his room making sure he's okay to check up on him and

302
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,840
he's almost three years old actual now and I still have to

303
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,240
get those butterflies occasionally when I think back

304
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,480
and go, man, I hope he's okay. And I just randomly go check on

305
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:34,320
him in the middle of the night. But I remember we had that and I

306
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:38,480
would walk in every day and talk with them and it became our

307
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:43,800
routine we dedicated our lives to him and we were there for

308
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every round we talked with the doctors, we got everything from

309
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them and we gave them feedback. I mean, we, we were there for

310
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every round. I mean, we were the subject matter experts and for

311
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:03,760
dads that are out there listening, you are you're an

312
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,320
advocate for your child and you should always be an advocate

313
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and you should never be afraid because you are a father to voice

314
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your opinion. Because if anytime there's a time to voice your

315
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:18,760
opinion is that that's when you can protect your child from, you

316
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:23,600
know, things that you feel inside of you are not right. I

317
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:27,000
remember there were times when my son, they would say, oh,

318
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we're going to do this, we're going to take them off that. And

319
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I would say, I don't think it's right because I watched the

320
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:35,360
stats for the last 12 hours today. Your monitors could tell

321
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:39,840
me all this, but I watched him and I reacted to his, his up and

322
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:43,160
down with his breathing and his oxygen O2 levels. I don't think

323
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he's ready. And there were many times where they would go ahead

324
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and try it. And he'd go, he'd get back down again and go back

325
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and forth and he would do that. And, you know, I always trusted

326
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my gut in there, but I always asked the questions. I always

327
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:05,920
talked to them about what are the alternatives, you know, how

328
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can we combat this? How can we combat that? And I think that's

329
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where parents can get involved, you know, be more proactive in

330
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your child's care. Because it's not just the doctors there to

331
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impact on that baby. You can do so many things to impact their

332
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health more than you realize. And I remember that we would

333
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read every day to him. I would read religiously everything.

334
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There were books that were there. My in-laws and parents

335
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would bring books I'd read. I would bring history books. I

336
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,360
love history. I would read, you know, the kid who knows about

337
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Andrew Jackson, The War of 1812. I would actually read to him

338
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history books, journals that the staff left behind, you know,

339
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doctor stuff about the NICU. I would read to him because I could

340
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watch his stats and watch them go up as you listen to my voice.

341
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Or if I held my hand over him and touched his body, his stats

342
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,960
would rise up. And sometimes I remember sitting there with my

343
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both hands in the isolate, my wife on the other side, holding

344
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him and doing that care. And your hands would go numb from

345
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,480
being in there for so long because every time you pull them

346
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,640
away, it stops and dips down to like 88, 82. Then it would go

347
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back up to 90, 95. And you become so superstitious. You

348
00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:27,560
start wearing the same shirt because he had a great day when

349
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you wore it that day. It's just like little things. Yeah, like

350
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you're, I'm not a super such guy, but like I got to wear

351
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,880
these same pair of socks. And it's kind of like sports

352
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,760
fanatics. You kind of, you have these same routines and you get

353
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that. And, you know, we went through all that with him and

354
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we had an amazing staff of nurses that were invested and

355
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:54,680
loved him to death and saw we were, we were so invested in

356
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,880
him and wanted nothing but the best. And there's a lot of

357
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families out there that are like that too. And, and that's

358
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,400
great. But there's also a lot of families that I'm, you know,

359
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,680
I'm sure that if you've been there, you've seen that a lot

360
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of families that just never showed up either, whether they

361
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:12,360
couldn't or they just didn't. And you just kind of watch and

362
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:15,320
you felt sorry for some of these, you know, babies that

363
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:19,640
are there. And sometimes I just wanted to go over and hold

364
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:22,120
them and read to them and say, it's going to be okay, because

365
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:25,640
you'd, you'd be there for 15 hours and nobody would show up

366
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,360
every single day for them. And you just want to go over and

367
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,280
be like, you know, can I just read to them? They're like, no,

368
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,760
you can't do that. And you just want to kind of be there

369
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:38,120
because you know the impact it makes. But, you know, the

370
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:43,480
hardest day was just before he came off of oxygen. And it's

371
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the day that I always want to remember and never forget. And

372
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:53,880
people think it's the weirdest thing, but I remember it was a

373
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it was a Friday and my wife had called me and we had thought

374
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we had just made a turn and everything was going well. And

375
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:06,280
she called me and she said, you need to get to hospital now.

376
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:10,680
And I remember thinking she's never called me like this. And

377
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:16,280
I was at work and I dropped everything and I drove as fast

378
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:20,680
as I can to the hospital and that drive from my house to the

379
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:26,680
hospital felt like an eternity. It felt like I was just a

380
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:30,120
solitary confinement with my own thoughts. Like I couldn't

381
00:25:30,120 --> 00:25:34,600
turn the radio up loud enough to distract myself. I was just

382
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:39,080
thinking of the worst possible situation. And I remember

383
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:42,520
getting through there and coming around the corner and I

384
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,920
remember seeing our nurse Ellen and Amy who was another nurse

385
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:52,200
who became a huge impact and my in-laws and my wife and I

386
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:56,920
remember seeing the yellow curtain and the dividers that

387
00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,680
they have all around our son. And at that point, he had so

388
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:04,840
many oxygen tanks. He was at 100% oxygen. He was on

389
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,960
everything that he could do at that point for him and they had

390
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:14,920
bagged him that morning and we had almost lost them. And I

391
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:22,280
remember crying over his isolate. I remember the tears

392
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:27,880
coming down like rain hitting a tin roof and just pouring on

393
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:31,880
and my nurse Ellen and my wife trying to hold me up because I

394
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:37,320
was crying so hard and I remember begging God to please

395
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:43,320
take me that just let him be okay. I'm okay if you just take

396
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:47,160
me now. I've had a good life. I just want you to keep them

397
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:54,280
safe and that it's not fair and that I did everything right and

398
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:57,960
I just remember thinking it was the worst day of my life. I

399
00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:04,680
I've survived two wars. I have done so many things in my life

400
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:10,280
from jumping out of airplanes to you know being in combat and I

401
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:15,560
was never more scared and terrified than I was that day.

402
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:22,280
But that day is a defining moment in my life. Everyone has

403
00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,480
that one moment or two moments that defines you and sometimes

404
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:31,240
it's the birth of your child. Sometimes it's your marriage.

405
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:35,640
Sometimes it's something else but that moment was my moment

406
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:42,440
and for as dark as it was, it changed me forever because we

407
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:47,640
weren't sure what was gonna happen to him and I just I prayed

408
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:52,040
and I prayed and I prayed and we even had the priest come up

409
00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:57,240
and and baptize our son in the isolate with this little shell

410
00:27:57,240 --> 00:28:00,040
and just bless him because we didn't know what was gonna

411
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:03,000
happen. That could be the last day I ever saw him again and

412
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:09,080
that would be the end of our story but it wasn't. God blessed

413
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:13,560
us and allowed him to live and he started to take a turn over

414
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:19,480
the next 24 48 hours and eventually things got to a much

415
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:23,640
better point where he started to come off the oxygen going to

416
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:27,000
see Pap and all of those other steps as you make towards going

417
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:33,480
home but that moment I never ever ever wanna forget that

418
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:38,360
moment because every time I think something's bad every

419
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:45,080
time I feel down on myself every time I look at my son and

420
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,560
he does something that I don't want him to do or he's acting

421
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:51,800
up and being bratty and being a two year old. I think back to

422
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:56,840
that day and everything else doesn't matter because that day

423
00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:00,760
I almost lost them and I carry that pain not because I wanna

424
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:05,800
carry the pain for because I like pain. It's because that

425
00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:09,160
they made me appreciate the rest of the days that followed

426
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:16,600
so anytime that I ever get to a point where I'm content or I'm

427
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:21,400
you know in a moment where I feel like I'm not things aren't

428
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:25,080
going right for me and think and and life is is getting too

429
00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:30,840
overwhelming. I think that day and say it's not that day so

430
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:35,240
everything could be okay and and that moment allowed me to

431
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:39,320
change how I do things in my life how I look at it how I

432
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:44,120
value my son how every moment from then on every experience

433
00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:49,960
that I had with him was cherished tenfold and I always

434
00:29:49,960 --> 00:29:54,760
will keep that with me and I always will do everything in my

435
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:59,960
power now as a parent and getting involved now with you

436
00:29:59,960 --> 00:30:02,760
know the NICU community and pre me families and other dads

437
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:08,280
and other people so that people that are going through that same

438
00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:12,920
day that I went through you know whatever or days or weeks

439
00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:15,960
that I went through that they don't have to deal with that

440
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:19,800
alone or one less person has to deal with that because we make

441
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:24,280
strides where it's a lot easier for these kids to be getting

442
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:29,720
through the NICU and to have a higher survivability rate and

443
00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:33,640
he is why I do everything going forward in my life not only for

444
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:38,600
him but for other kids for my family and and everything that

445
00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:43,240
I do I do because of that moment because God gave me a

446
00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:47,160
second chance to change my life to make a difference in my

447
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:51,640
son's life to be a good role model for him a parent for him

448
00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:57,160
and to do things for other people to ease their pain so I

449
00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:02,440
always will remember that day and I wish that I could take

450
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:07,320
that pain from other dads that are feeling but it's okay to

451
00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:11,880
feel that pain. It's okay to break down. You know if you're

452
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:17,800
listening to this if you've had that moment talk to somebody

453
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:23,080
let it out. Let your wife your spouse your other know that

454
00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:28,200
you're vulnerable. It's okay to let that stuff out because if

455
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:34,200
you let it internalize it will eat you away. It will change

456
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:38,200
you as a person and you won't be able to be the good dad that

457
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:42,040
you need to be. So I always tell people to try to talk to

458
00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:45,320
somebody find somebody out there that can understand your

459
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:51,480
pain and I've always told people that the NICU while I

460
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:53,960
have been through it you have been through it you know

461
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:56,200
listeners have been through it and other people around the

462
00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:59,800
world have been through it every journey is unique my

463
00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:03,960
journey while it may sound bad to to somebody else way worse

464
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:07,880
doesn't discount your journey every journey is different.

465
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:12,200
Every situation is different and don't ever judge another

466
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:16,520
person's journey because you never know what they're going

467
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:21,720
through internally at home balance that they have to have

468
00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:27,000
you know I've heard your story before and to be able to I

469
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,960
don't know what it's like to have to balance having a child

470
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:32,840
at home and having to do that and a wife and all these other

471
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:35,720
places and I'm sure that there's parents out there that

472
00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:40,520
have you know kids at home and kids in other places my own my

473
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:46,120
own niece had recently during covid she had pre me twins at

474
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:50,520
the same hospital in the same caregivers that we had and I

475
00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:53,560
can't imagine being that during covid and not being able to be

476
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:57,240
there with your spouse to be a part of that two person system.

477
00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:01,320
So there's a lot of people out there that are going through a

478
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:05,160
lot of things and your journey is unique. I'm not here to tell

479
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,680
anyone you know how to feel or anything like that and your

480
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:12,600
journey is is sacred to you but there are people out there that

481
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:15,240
understand and there are people that are willing to listen and

482
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:19,400
I'm glad that there are things like this like the nick you dad's

483
00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:22,840
podcast that you're doing and others are out there that are

484
00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:26,600
giving a voice and giving an ability for people to get these

485
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:29,640
experiences not only off their chest because I feel like when

486
00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:33,960
you talk about it while it's hard it relieves a weight off

487
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:36,760
your chest. You know we carry all these weights and pebbles

488
00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:41,080
and stones and every time you share an experience like that

489
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:44,200
it takes a little bit off your chest and allows you to breathe

490
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:47,400
a little more because you're able to get that off and be

491
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:49,800
honest about what's going on in the world and what's going on

492
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:54,040
in your feelings and maybe that helps somebody else as well. So

493
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:57,240
I'm glad that there are things like this available for dads.

494
00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:02,040
Now that's that's perfect. You know you talk about that day

495
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:09,320
and so many of us experience days like that and our lives do

496
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:14,920
change and you know it it does make you

497
00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:18,600
almost at least in your own eyes feel like you appreciate

498
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:26,440
things more. Those days you know every day is a blessing

499
00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:30,280
when you've had a day like that. It's even sweeter I think.

500
00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:33,880
But you guys you know so he turned around

501
00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:38,520
and you know obviously things got better and you started hitting more milestones

502
00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:42,920
and things like that. What was it like for you towards the

503
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:46,680
I don't want to say the end of your NICU journey because it once you go home it

504
00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:50,840
still continues but exactly what were some of the things

505
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:54,920
that you saw and that you guys experienced

506
00:34:54,920 --> 00:35:00,760
towards that I guess leaving the NICU and even after the NICU what kind of

507
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:04,760
things did you have to deal with you know medically and things like that

508
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:08,440
for your for Brady? Oh wow well yeah we had

509
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:12,040
quite a bit so not only did you know my son he had

510
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:15,560
chronic lung disease so he had a lot of respiratory issues so

511
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:20,200
for the entire stay and until you know we went home actually on oxygen

512
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:23,880
so low grade oxygen so we had to go home on that.

513
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:27,800
So that was its own experience but we also ended up getting

514
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:33,800
a g-tube and getting his hernias fixed and then when we got home we also had to

515
00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:37,400
deal with the helmet because a lot of these babies that are there

516
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:41,160
especially the ones that are very small they're on their back a lot you know

517
00:35:41,160 --> 00:35:45,400
they're on their head so we actually had to get two helmets

518
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:49,640
for our son to kind of help reform his head because he had a bit of a flat head

519
00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:54,040
as they say and so we were kind of dealing with all that

520
00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:57,480
not only did we have the oxygen and the foot probe to monitor the foot

521
00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:02,680
probe and all that we had you know the polyvisol we had

522
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:06,120
you know all the medications that he had to have so we actually

523
00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:12,920
you know when we got him home finally it was in October about a month after

524
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:18,680
his due date because his due date was September 5th he was born May 25th

525
00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:22,600
you know we we got to go home and it was right around Halloween which

526
00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:26,760
was great and got him home and I just remember like

527
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:30,520
trying to set everything up we had our own Purell station

528
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:35,640
and everything so I I joke around I was like I was ready for the pandemic before

529
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:41,400
the pandemic was even cool like I had I still have Purell boxes out the yin yang

530
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:43,720
and I have a Purell station still to this day

531
00:36:43,720 --> 00:36:48,120
right my front door so every time you walk in you're Purell up you do all your

532
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:51,960
stuff and you're good to go we we kind of built our own home

533
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:57,560
you know nursing station so we had everything set up ready to go for him

534
00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:01,640
and the first couple weeks we actually spent sleeping on the couch

535
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:07,000
downstairs in our living room and taking turns sleeping upstairs because

536
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:10,760
at that point he had the foot probe on the oxygen

537
00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:14,680
and the oxygen only had like a limited slack of

538
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:18,200
that you could have so it was like 50 feet so we would have to like

539
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:22,120
pick up and move the oxygen all the way up and have this big heavy

540
00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:27,880
oxygen tank you know or oxygen I guess ventilator system so you plug it

541
00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:31,080
in it was like loud and we'd have to bring that up and down the stairs so we

542
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:35,000
just said the first few weeks screw it we're just going to sleep down here with

543
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:38,680
him and deal with all that we had the foot

544
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:42,520
probe going off every two minutes so if you think the NICU

545
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:46,520
sucks but the the alarm's gone off imagine coming back to home

546
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:50,440
and then having the foot probe go off every two seconds and you have to fix

547
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:55,480
it and reset it and all that so not a lot of sleep was had in the in the

548
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:59,560
wood household uh those first couple months but

549
00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:03,640
we were able to get through that and a lot of people say well how did you get

550
00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:06,840
through it and you just get through it I mean you

551
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:10,040
get into a kind of a groove of things and you get used to

552
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:13,160
the g-tube and hooking that up and how do you do your feeds

553
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:16,360
and timing it and you start learning little tricks and stuff like that and

554
00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:20,760
it's weird because once you become a g-tube kid or

555
00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:24,280
uh oxygen kid you learn all the tricks of the trade of different things and

556
00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:28,520
you feel like you're kind of ready for nursing school or some sort of med

557
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:31,480
school at that point because you've you've gotten you so used to doing so

558
00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:35,880
many things and for parents out there that are fearful

559
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,160
of the g-tube our son next week is at three is finally

560
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:43,240
getting it out he hasn't used it for over a year I will say

561
00:38:43,240 --> 00:38:49,320
while it can be an inconvenience it is also a blessing in disguise so if

562
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:53,320
you've got the doctors telling you right now that you're going home on that

563
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:57,000
it could be overwhelming to understand I I've got to hook it up I've got to do

564
00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:00,040
all the stuff you will get to a groove you'll be able

565
00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:03,240
to do it in your sleep you'll get to the point where you'll be able to do it in

566
00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:07,480
the middle of the night turn it all off unhook it be good to go

567
00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:11,160
you are going to have some accidents it's okay you know

568
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:14,440
there are plenty of times I forgot to unhook the tube or

569
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:17,880
unclamp it and messes happened and things like that

570
00:39:17,880 --> 00:39:22,040
um at the end of the day you know you don't want to cry over spilled milk but

571
00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:24,440
I guess if maybe you're not producing enough milk

572
00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:27,800
maybe you can cry a little bit over that but um

573
00:39:27,800 --> 00:39:31,880
you know we we went through a lot of different things with him

574
00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:35,880
and the g-tube really helped us out especially in the winter time

575
00:39:35,880 --> 00:39:39,880
when he wasn't taking to the bottle quite a bit I mean my

576
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:43,880
my son really had a poor suck so he never got a chance to latch on

577
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:47,960
so he really didn't take to the bottle very well so the g-tube really helped us

578
00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:51,480
pack on the pounds and allow him to gain weight even in

579
00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:55,320
the winter months when he wasn't you know feeling well and all that we were

580
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:58,840
able to still get that medicine in him and all that things like that

581
00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:01,880
as you get older we were still able to do that so

582
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:07,000
in a way it really was a blessing um and we're glad that we got it in

583
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:11,240
hindsight at the time it seemed like the end of the world but it really was

584
00:40:11,240 --> 00:40:13,880
not um there are there are far harder things

585
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:19,160
that are out there that a lot of parents do deal with um but after three years of

586
00:40:19,160 --> 00:40:22,280
having it I cannot just say it's not as bad as a

587
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:26,760
lot of people make it out to be um and the first couple times it pops out

588
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:30,680
you panic and then you figure out how to pop that bad boy back in

589
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:33,720
and you're in business I mean my wife became an old pro at it I mean she

590
00:40:33,720 --> 00:40:36,280
didn't get grossed out she just pops it right in

591
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:40,280
it's good to go so um yeah we we went through quite a bit

592
00:40:40,280 --> 00:40:44,520
um a lot of back and forth the gi pulmonary

593
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:48,760
um and during the pandemic you know obviously with all that

594
00:40:48,760 --> 00:40:52,760
most of it was virtual um a lot of you know tele ed stuff we

595
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:56,520
we had a lot of appointments the first year it felt like the first six months

596
00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,720
was three four appointments a week um and

597
00:40:59,720 --> 00:41:02,680
that's a process because it's both of us because we've got to bring

598
00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:07,640
his oxygen tank his pulse ox um all of the stuff his diapers everything else

599
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:11,400
like that so again it was as a two-person team to do

600
00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:14,360
all this stuff to keep this little person alive

601
00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:18,840
and um you know we did it so I'm proud to say we kept

602
00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:22,200
we kept them alive and didn't have any issues and uh

603
00:41:22,200 --> 00:41:25,800
you know we had a home nurse that came in and we all said you know

604
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:28,760
different people come in to help him along the way with

605
00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:31,720
his growth and development and different things like that

606
00:41:31,720 --> 00:41:34,680
um so there's a lot of great programs that are out there we here in

607
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:38,520
Connecticut we have birth to three um so they were able to really help them

608
00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:42,120
that first year with motor skills things like that that kids

609
00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:46,520
don't pick up on it much um especially to catch up with you

610
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:50,200
know being able to eat a little bit better and that's kind of a struggle so

611
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:53,880
you know if you're struggling with that it's okay you're not a bad parent

612
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:58,040
um you know normal kids do that I didn't have any other kids

613
00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:02,200
so I always looked at it and said this is my one and only I don't know how to

614
00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:06,360
judge if he's eating good or not you know you can't look at and say okay

615
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:09,080
well so and so was the same way so this is normal

616
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:12,920
so for us we kind of panicked a little bit more and I think that first six

617
00:42:12,920 --> 00:42:15,880
months a year we definitely talked to the doctor a lot more than we probably

618
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:18,040
should but you know that's just the life of a

619
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:21,240
pre-parent you're you're constantly on the phone with doctors and

620
00:42:21,240 --> 00:42:25,160
reassuring them and they're reassuring you and you know they're used to it they

621
00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:28,520
know you're a preemie parent so they're you know they're okay with

622
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:31,000
letting you know you're doing a great job and I think that was a good thing

623
00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:34,200
with our our pediatrician and primary care people

624
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:37,480
is they always took the time to let us know you're doing a great job you're

625
00:42:37,480 --> 00:42:40,360
keeping them alive they're thriving because of you and I

626
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:43,800
think that helped us along the way and we just weren't sure if we were doing a

627
00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:48,280
great job that's awesome yeah we always you know we talk about

628
00:42:48,280 --> 00:42:52,680
now um looking at after NICU care for NICU

629
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:58,040
parents and support in that where you know you go through the

630
00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:01,240
the NICU stay and all the stresses that you deal with and

631
00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:04,520
all the things you bring home from that PTSD and different

632
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:09,320
things like that but now you were now responsible

633
00:43:09,320 --> 00:43:15,080
to take care of oxygen g-tube everything else and so rather than being

634
00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:18,680
able to relax and try to go back to normal things now get

635
00:43:18,680 --> 00:43:24,600
amped up and so you see those stress levels uh increase actually especially

636
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:30,520
for NICU dads going going home um did you experience things like that

637
00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:36,440
oh yeah I mean definitely stress levels uh you know with being able to take care

638
00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:39,720
of them and feeling am I am I up to this and I

639
00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:43,800
don't want to you know mess things up but I think um

640
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:47,160
it's the fight or flight it's it's ingrained in our natural

641
00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:51,000
natures the fight or flight and I think when you're a parent but

642
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:55,160
especially a pre-parent it's amped to like tenfold it's it's I

643
00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:57,960
gotta fight for my kids I gotta I gotta figure this out

644
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:01,880
I gotta get this done and eventually you just get into this mode and it's

645
00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:07,560
almost like an autopilot where your body like figures out how to sleep

646
00:44:07,560 --> 00:44:11,480
on less sleep and do all the things it needs to do because you need to do that

647
00:44:11,480 --> 00:44:15,720
for the time being and um you know the good thing is my wife

648
00:44:15,720 --> 00:44:19,880
and I communicated quite a bit so we we took turns with all the rotations it

649
00:44:19,880 --> 00:44:24,440
was a 50-50 throughout the whole process it wasn't just one or the other so

650
00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:27,960
you know we still had to do work we still had to balance all of those things

651
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:31,080
with him so we found that balance and I think the big

652
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:34,520
thing that um I would say is communicate with your

653
00:44:34,520 --> 00:44:39,240
significant other your spouse um that's that's a thing that men

654
00:44:39,240 --> 00:44:43,080
are kind of crappy at sometimes is the ability to communicate

655
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:46,200
in general their feelings but with their spouse

656
00:44:46,200 --> 00:44:50,680
and so I've talked with other um NICU moms and people and they say you know my

657
00:44:50,680 --> 00:44:54,440
my husband was either stoic didn't talk about it I didn't know his feelings and

658
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:56,600
it's been years later and they still don't

659
00:44:56,600 --> 00:45:01,320
haven't had that conversation and for me when we went through the experience

660
00:45:01,320 --> 00:45:04,920
there were days where I would turn to my wife and most days I'd be the one that

661
00:45:04,920 --> 00:45:08,120
kept it together but there'd be some days I turned her and say

662
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:11,400
I need you to be the rock not Dwayne Johnson

663
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:17,160
I need you to be super hard granite rock and get me through this experience

664
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:21,160
today allow me to just sit back focus on our son and not have to deal

665
00:45:21,160 --> 00:45:25,240
with anything else and just be the strong one and that's

666
00:45:25,240 --> 00:45:28,280
important because it allows you to get mentally prepared

667
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:32,120
that I need to be that one today and I think when

668
00:45:32,120 --> 00:45:36,040
guys get that break every now and then if they're in their state if their

669
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:39,560
NICU stays pretty long too you need that you need that ability to

670
00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:45,320
just shift your focus to other things whether it's just reading to your kid

671
00:45:45,320 --> 00:45:49,160
listening to some music by their bed whatever you need to do

672
00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:53,640
read a book while you're there and that's important because it's part of

673
00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:58,520
your self-care you can't be the be all you can't be the

674
00:45:58,520 --> 00:46:02,440
doing everything all at once and taking care of everything all at once

675
00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:06,920
it's got to be a team effort and when you don't act like a team

676
00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:10,360
that's where you start to break down that's where you have those emotional

677
00:46:10,360 --> 00:46:14,600
breakdowns that's where the miscommunication

678
00:46:14,600 --> 00:46:18,520
comes into place and I think that's also where your breakdown in your marriage

679
00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:21,880
because you're still balancing your marriage at the same time in

680
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:25,800
this crazy experience so there's other things that are in place

681
00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:31,480
so you don't want to be have any ill will toward your spouse because

682
00:46:31,480 --> 00:46:34,760
of any of these experiences and I've heard I've talked to other dads and the

683
00:46:34,760 --> 00:46:38,520
family members where they left the NICU and the NICU just

684
00:46:38,520 --> 00:46:41,640
ended up really destroying their relationship because of a variety of

685
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:45,720
reasons you know people that go through

686
00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:49,400
loss with in vitro over and over again it destroys their marriage because there

687
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:54,120
is no communication there is no free conversation back and

688
00:46:54,120 --> 00:46:57,880
forth openly about what they're feeling and getting that

689
00:46:57,880 --> 00:47:03,640
out and it internalizes and people hold onto that and it

690
00:47:03,640 --> 00:47:07,160
really doesn't do you any good so talk to somebody

691
00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:12,120
if it's a therapist if it's a buddy if it's an old you know friend

692
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:15,160
talk to somebody if you can't talk to your spouse because they're just going

693
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:17,240
through so much you don't want to put it on their plate

694
00:47:17,240 --> 00:47:21,080
I get that but talk to somebody find somebody out there

695
00:47:21,080 --> 00:47:24,600
um that's willing to listen there's a ton of great for dads that are out there

696
00:47:24,600 --> 00:47:29,400
there's tons of great ones on Facebook um there's tons of programs in which you

697
00:47:29,400 --> 00:47:34,040
can mentor you know people and help them be there um

698
00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:38,040
you know i've helped mentor others and complete strangers that

699
00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:42,840
um are going through these experiences and it's allowed me

700
00:47:42,840 --> 00:47:47,000
one the ability to feel better than i'm helping somebody but two

701
00:47:47,000 --> 00:47:50,680
to get somebody at a better spot than i was at because

702
00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:55,320
you know when you're becoming a NICU dad and when you become a pre-parent in

703
00:47:55,320 --> 00:47:58,280
general most of the time you have absolutely no

704
00:47:58,280 --> 00:48:03,320
clue it's coming you're you're blindsided no one's giving you a manual

705
00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:06,840
on how to deal with this or what to go through and if you're lucky

706
00:48:06,840 --> 00:48:10,200
maybe you've had somebody in your life that has been through that um

707
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:13,720
for me you know my brother-in-law had been through it and had been

708
00:48:13,720 --> 00:48:17,560
about 15 or 16 years since he had been through it but for him

709
00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:21,480
if he was able to help allow me to call him

710
00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:24,520
and get some stuff off my chest just me and him

711
00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:28,680
and i think that's important to find that outlet during the process

712
00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:33,320
you know from beginning to when you get home and after the fact you know you

713
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:35,560
need to be able to get that off your chest because

714
00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:38,680
once you get that stuff off your chest you don't bring it into your marriage

715
00:48:38,680 --> 00:48:43,240
you don't bring it into your relationship with your child like you

716
00:48:43,240 --> 00:48:47,560
you've gotten that stuff off your chest and you're much better for it

717
00:48:47,560 --> 00:48:54,040
yeah speaking of outlets um great segue by the way um

718
00:48:54,040 --> 00:48:57,560
tell us about preemie adventures and some of the other stuff that you guys

719
00:48:57,560 --> 00:49:02,600
are involved with right now yeah so as part of this whole process you

720
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:07,560
know i wanted to give back so i first um i started out with volunteering to be in

721
00:49:07,560 --> 00:49:11,960
the family advisor council at our local hospital um i i've always

722
00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:14,520
been advocates for a variety of things but

723
00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:18,440
um i wanted the best care for families and i was also appreciative of

724
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:22,120
everything that the staff had done there for our son and our family

725
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:25,800
um i mean they were really outstanding at connecticut children's day

726
00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:29,560
did a fantastic job um even even the guy that

727
00:49:29,560 --> 00:49:33,800
you know parked our cars and everything the valet would sit and talk with us

728
00:49:33,800 --> 00:49:37,480
and ask us how our day was i mean he's such a great guy so we had such a great

729
00:49:37,480 --> 00:49:40,840
experience we really wanted to give back so uh

730
00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:45,320
we were i've been volunteering there doing my time to help families

731
00:49:45,320 --> 00:49:49,080
um to add more advocacy for dads and to have that

732
00:49:49,080 --> 00:49:53,160
that perspective because of course when you get involved with anything and you

733
00:49:53,160 --> 00:49:57,240
probably know as well uh when you get involved as a nikkudad in

734
00:49:57,240 --> 00:50:01,400
the hospital into charities and organizations there's not a lot of dads

735
00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:06,520
there it's it's almost like they they see you they go uh yeah that'd be

736
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:10,760
great and you're like okay uh am i the only dad on this call or or

737
00:50:10,760 --> 00:50:15,320
what and you're like yeah but it it's good to be able to do that so

738
00:50:15,320 --> 00:50:20,760
um i also ended up writing and completing a book called our premier

739
00:50:20,760 --> 00:50:26,200
adventure and the book really takes a humorous

740
00:50:26,200 --> 00:50:30,280
and heartwarming look at the journey that all of our children go through in

741
00:50:30,280 --> 00:50:35,320
the nicu and and this journey particularly follows um our journey but

742
00:50:35,320 --> 00:50:39,160
so many others as well as i tried to encompass as many things as possible in

743
00:50:39,160 --> 00:50:42,200
it and it looks at the milestones they

744
00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:48,680
achieve from you know coming off a cpap to the g2 to your first outfit things

745
00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:51,960
that we celebrate as preemie parents that

746
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:55,400
other parents just take for granted i mean the first time you get to wear an

747
00:50:55,400 --> 00:50:59,160
outfit sometimes it's several months in before you get to wear an outfit

748
00:50:59,160 --> 00:51:02,920
because they've got all these wires so you're so ecstatic and all of these

749
00:51:02,920 --> 00:51:06,440
things that you're celebrating their first bath sometimes their first bath is

750
00:51:06,440 --> 00:51:09,800
in for a few weeks um or longer because of their their

751
00:51:09,800 --> 00:51:16,760
status so i wanted to make a positive spin on the nicu and take use humor

752
00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:20,920
because i use it in every part of my life and i think a lot of men are like

753
00:51:20,920 --> 00:51:25,800
that we use humor and sarcasm um especially if if you have

754
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:29,000
guy humor that's out there and women will say i don't you know i

755
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:33,160
don't get your humor but we use humor to mask the pain and to

756
00:51:33,160 --> 00:51:37,320
mask dealing with hard situations and i think that's always been a tool

757
00:51:37,320 --> 00:51:41,720
that i've used in my military career my personal life i've always tried to find

758
00:51:41,720 --> 00:51:45,400
the humor in the bad situations to get through it so i

759
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:48,840
looked at it and said you know i want this to be something fun

760
00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:52,040
uplifting that parents can look at and say

761
00:51:52,040 --> 00:51:55,720
yes that's that's totally what we went through today yesterday

762
00:51:55,720 --> 00:51:59,160
or i'm looking forward to when that happens or if you're a parent like

763
00:51:59,160 --> 00:52:01,400
yourself who's been out of the nicu for a few years

764
00:52:01,400 --> 00:52:04,680
you're going to look back and show your little one or just look back a little

765
00:52:04,680 --> 00:52:09,400
bit more fondly with the nicu and say wow you know i remember the first bath i

766
00:52:09,400 --> 00:52:12,760
remember these these other days that were more positive and celebrate those

767
00:52:12,760 --> 00:52:16,520
great milestones um so i'm really excited about the

768
00:52:16,520 --> 00:52:21,720
project and it really has allowed me to as i talked about that one

769
00:52:21,720 --> 00:52:25,320
point earlier is focus and shift my life into how i can

770
00:52:25,320 --> 00:52:29,640
help people so i'm starting to build not only on

771
00:52:29,640 --> 00:52:32,440
the book and having that come out in the next couple months

772
00:52:32,440 --> 00:52:36,680
um i'm building you know premier adventures on social media

773
00:52:36,680 --> 00:52:40,360
and my website that's going to be up soon and it's really going to be a point

774
00:52:40,360 --> 00:52:43,880
where parents can connect on a variety of things not only

775
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:46,920
with uplifting humor that will help them get through the

776
00:52:46,920 --> 00:52:50,120
day and to bond over that shared experience

777
00:52:50,120 --> 00:52:53,640
that mantra of the premier adventure we all go through this

778
00:52:53,640 --> 00:52:56,600
together we're all in this together because

779
00:52:56,600 --> 00:53:01,800
we share a unique memories while some would not like to have those

780
00:53:01,800 --> 00:53:05,320
memories we have a unique experience that a lot of parents don't

781
00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:09,080
and i think it's almost i want people to have it like a badge of courage and you

782
00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:12,360
better look back and say you know i'm a preemie parent hear me

783
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:16,200
roar i'm i'm doing all these great things for my kids

784
00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:20,600
and i see so many preemie parents out there and new families doing amazing

785
00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:25,720
things in the community so i want preemie adventures to be something

786
00:53:25,720 --> 00:53:28,840
that continues on and to be able to have other

787
00:53:28,840 --> 00:53:32,520
organizations like hands a hold be featured there places people that are

788
00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:35,800
doing great work to be featured so that when they come

789
00:53:35,800 --> 00:53:38,920
to my website or when they come to the social media

790
00:53:38,920 --> 00:53:42,040
they're getting that information share with them on there as well so they can

791
00:53:42,040 --> 00:53:45,720
connect with whether it's dads or other moms or or

792
00:53:45,720 --> 00:53:49,800
if they want to volunteer they're looking for an outlet in their community

793
00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:53,640
locally i'd like to be able to share that we've got people from all the way

794
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:57,400
from australia to the uk right now that are on board

795
00:53:57,400 --> 00:54:00,520
they're going to be on our site they're going to be affiliates with us

796
00:54:00,520 --> 00:54:03,160
and they're going to we're going to share their information so that families

797
00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:07,160
can be helped out in the situations and get the proper care

798
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:10,840
we're working as well to get people that are caregivers

799
00:54:10,840 --> 00:54:14,360
nurses things like that that will be on there providing

800
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:18,760
blogs as well as support for families that want that and it's all going to be

801
00:54:18,760 --> 00:54:21,320
free so we're all going to have that there

802
00:54:21,320 --> 00:54:24,360
and of course we're also going to have donation sites so

803
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:28,360
that site will not only have a donation site where people can donate if they

804
00:54:28,360 --> 00:54:31,400
want to purchase our premium venture and donate

805
00:54:31,400 --> 00:54:36,040
to their nicu they can donate you know just street if they want to

806
00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:39,160
donate money or anything and every month we are going to be

807
00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:42,760
sending to a different nicu or organization that's out there doing

808
00:54:42,760 --> 00:54:46,360
great work free books to them so if somebody wants to come they can

809
00:54:46,360 --> 00:54:49,960
just donate whatever they want and we're going to send take all that

810
00:54:49,960 --> 00:54:53,800
money and send books to you know wherever that may be all across the u.s

811
00:54:53,800 --> 00:54:58,040
and hopefully worldwide so that is our big plan so we are partnering with

812
00:54:58,040 --> 00:55:02,440
organizations that are out there that do care packages things like that to help

813
00:55:02,440 --> 00:55:06,680
provide the books to families in need and to provide as little cost if any to

814
00:55:06,680 --> 00:55:11,240
those organizations as well so i really want this to be a big project

815
00:55:11,240 --> 00:55:16,280
that helps a lot of families out and for people to be able to come bond

816
00:55:16,280 --> 00:55:18,840
over that shared experience and really help

817
00:55:18,840 --> 00:55:23,320
change others lives and so if somebody's out there that wants to get involved

818
00:55:23,320 --> 00:55:26,520
that is looking to that you know they can reach out to

819
00:55:26,520 --> 00:55:29,960
me at our premium adventures at gmail.com or

820
00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:33,960
when the site's up i'll have that up it'll be premium adventures.com

821
00:55:33,960 --> 00:55:36,360
we're going to have a lot of great things if they want to be featured on

822
00:55:36,360 --> 00:55:38,360
there we certainly want to have people that

823
00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:41,720
are doing great work podcast things of that sort so that people

824
00:55:41,720 --> 00:55:46,920
can have an outlet and just connect that's awesome man i mean

825
00:55:46,920 --> 00:55:51,640
we're super excited we can't wait i do have a question for you

826
00:55:51,640 --> 00:55:57,400
um with your experience and all the things you're doing now

827
00:55:57,400 --> 00:56:01,240
what is some of your best advice for new nicu dads

828
00:56:01,240 --> 00:56:06,280
uh dads who are maybe one to two days in maybe one day in or

829
00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:10,040
even guys that are in you know for months weeks right now

830
00:56:10,040 --> 00:56:13,480
what's what's your best advice for them one is

831
00:56:13,480 --> 00:56:19,560
as i said before is communicate um i i stressed that so much because

832
00:56:19,560 --> 00:56:22,440
the communication piece is important because sometimes you're going to have

833
00:56:22,440 --> 00:56:24,120
these these things in your head that you're

834
00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:27,400
going to be thinking and it's important to get that off and

835
00:56:27,400 --> 00:56:32,120
and to not judge each other um on those feelings because sometimes

836
00:56:32,120 --> 00:56:34,200
it's just you need to get that off your chest

837
00:56:34,200 --> 00:56:38,040
and then it's off and you're able to move on another is

838
00:56:38,040 --> 00:56:42,920
take it one day at a time one hour at a time one moment at a time

839
00:56:42,920 --> 00:56:49,080
um the nicu is is not a it's not a sprint it's a marathon it's

840
00:56:49,080 --> 00:56:53,160
it's day by day understand that that things are going to go up and things

841
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:56,360
are going to go down and there's only so much you can do to

842
00:56:56,360 --> 00:57:01,400
control that but i would also say be as active as you can in your child's

843
00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:05,480
life you may not feel that you being by their

844
00:57:05,480 --> 00:57:10,120
bedside reading to them or holding them or doing you know kangaroo

845
00:57:10,120 --> 00:57:14,120
care has that effect but i i cannot tell you

846
00:57:14,120 --> 00:57:17,560
how wrong you are if you feel that way but we spent

847
00:57:17,560 --> 00:57:22,360
so much time with our son as much as possible holding him and connecting with

848
00:57:22,360 --> 00:57:25,320
him and i honestly think that that played a

849
00:57:25,320 --> 00:57:27,720
big role in how we developed and a lot of the

850
00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:30,360
doctors and nurses came over and said you know we really think

851
00:57:30,360 --> 00:57:33,880
we've seen kids that are in his position not make it so many times

852
00:57:33,880 --> 00:57:37,720
and i think that is a part that you can play as a dad

853
00:57:37,720 --> 00:57:40,680
um don't be afraid to get involved in the care

854
00:57:40,680 --> 00:57:44,440
and to get in there and get used to that process because

855
00:57:44,440 --> 00:57:48,200
you need to work together as a team um your wife's going to go through

856
00:57:48,200 --> 00:57:51,640
a lot of emotions and she's going to need you to be there

857
00:57:51,640 --> 00:57:55,080
or your partner's going to need to be you be there be there for her

858
00:57:55,080 --> 00:58:00,920
you know be if it's just a sounding board to get her emotions out then fine

859
00:58:00,920 --> 00:58:04,760
but also take care of yourself it's a hard thing to do

860
00:58:04,760 --> 00:58:08,120
but take some time when you're not in the NICU

861
00:58:08,120 --> 00:58:14,280
to do something for yourself physically and and try to to eat and do

862
00:58:14,280 --> 00:58:18,120
stuff to keep your body because you you need to be able to get yourself

863
00:58:18,120 --> 00:58:22,680
through the NICU it's a long process so allowing yourself to kind of shut down

864
00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:26,280
and go to this mode where you're not eating you're not sleeping

865
00:58:26,280 --> 00:58:30,600
is not going to do any good for you um you know you may want to be there

866
00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:34,600
every minute of every day but that's impossible you need to take some time

867
00:58:34,600 --> 00:58:40,760
just go home decompress um you know get ready and then come in the next day

868
00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:44,680
you know ready to go as positive as possible

869
00:58:44,680 --> 00:58:48,680
that's great advice well adam and i can talk for days

870
00:58:48,680 --> 00:58:53,880
uh with each other but we want to thank you so much for sharing the story

871
00:58:53,880 --> 00:58:58,200
and sharing your advice and and everything is so powerful you got me i

872
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:02,600
did cry uh but once again man i can't thank you

873
00:59:02,600 --> 00:59:07,240
enough for doing this and we wish you jen brady all the best

874
00:59:07,240 --> 00:59:12,760
and wouldn't be surprised if you hear adam and i talking about some

875
00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:16,120
nicu dad topics and some of the things that

876
00:59:16,120 --> 00:59:20,040
that we struggle with uh but once again i appreciate it man

877
00:59:20,040 --> 00:59:24,680
uh we thank you so much for being on here

878
00:59:24,680 --> 00:59:28,200
thank you for listening and thank you for your support once again

879
00:59:28,200 --> 00:59:32,040
please take a look at the nicu dad.com we continue to grow the list of

880
00:59:32,040 --> 00:59:37,160
resources we are bringing nicu dads to my fellow nicu dads good luck

881
00:59:37,160 --> 00:59:41,320
and remember you are not alone